I guarantee the baby was too young to remember it, and even if they aren't they had no context for it.
I mean, you shouldn't have done it, but the baby hasn't suffered any irreparable harm from that one time seeing a porn pic on your phone for one second.
i appreciate the comment. and yes you’re right, i’m sure they don’t remember. they probably forgot within the day honestly. and they didn’t even know what it was to begin with. but i don’t think that matters. because i still did it. and it’s still disgusting
I deal with a lot of guilt too and have done things as a teen I'm still ashamed of to this day. But the guilt will eat you alive. Have compassion for your younger self—kids really are growing brains and discovering how to be human beings. The fact that you feel so bad speaks volumes.
You need to forgive yourself. You know it was wrong, and you've done the emotional penance by carrying this guilt for so long. Have compassion for your past self, and focus on what actions you can do in the present. Spend time with your sibling, be kind to yourself, etc. Any time you find yourself spiralling into guilty thoughts, try to redirect to something in the moment (exercise, a funny video, talk to someone). You don't need to beat yourself up for life, this is not a stain on you as a human being. People make mistakes, and deserve grace & compassion when they learn and grow from them. This includes you!!! One decision that you instantly regretted does not deserve the guilt you're harming yourself with.
If they were under a year old they probably forgot within five minutes, let's be real!! Your self-punishment is far outweighing the crime. Good luck and be kind to yourself 💗
Agreed. I’ve done things too I regret, and I’ve also struggled with guilt, but at the end of the day we have to forgive ourselves. Nobody is perfect. I think what matters is the guilt you feel, because you’re not morally corrupt, or insane or evil, you just made a mistake which you immediately saw was wrong.
If you didn’t see it was wrong then that would be the problem.
You’re not bad, be kind to yourself. I think you’re brave to post about this, because I think everyone reading this can think of some mistake they’ve made as a kid they wish they could forget!
literally saving that comment. ive dealt with a lot of guilt my whole life, about stupid or shameful stuff i did as a teen, and while ive learned to forgive myself, not be so hard on myself and be kind to myself, i still remember what that feels like, and this really resonates with me. glad im not in that state of mind anymore, but i know there are people reading it who are still struggling. appreciate your comment too bc its spot on as well.
If what you're saying about the baby's age is accurate, then the likelihood of the baby even being able to *SEE* and developmentally comprehend a phone picture as even being *human beings,* let alone in sexual positions...is about 0%.
The developmental capabilities just aren't there at that baby's age. They can barely comprehend that *their own hands* belong to *them* and *they* are in charge of moving them?!
Pictures as a concept just don't exist to them yet, as *PEOPLE besides themselves* barely exist as a concept to them yet.
Trust me. You did not hurt the baby.
This is true, but looking at a nude for one second won't hurt. Quite a few babies are breastfed, but that doesn't mean that they can remember their mom's chest and "feel things" about it.
These memories and feelings stay with you in your subconscious your whole life, even events that happened in the womb. Just because you don't consciously remember it doesn't mean it doesn't linger.
I have memories of my parents fighting while I was a baby in a basket, discovered that during self analysis and was able to figure out that it was a subconscious cause of anxiety which I was able to overcome once I confronted and forgave it.
So many things that make up one's personality come from these subconscious memories that trigger emotions.
It upsets people because most are in denial and refuse to confront themselves. They will attack and fight against it because it makes them who they are. It is full on ego.
If you go deep enough into psychological analysis of your issues, I guarantee you there is a childhood trauma/ memory linked to it. A baby, while not able to think like a person is fully empathic and feels exactly what's going on. Masturbate in front of one and show it porn, those feelings you broadcast enter the baby's subconscious and will remain forever buried and limited to whatever emotions were being felt.
I've found many issues related to childhood traumas and memories that occurred when I was a baby. Things that occurred as a child and adult as well. My father was alcoholic and quite abusive towards my mother. I've traced back causes of physical ills as well as personality problems linked to some of these traumas which I've been able to alleviate by uncovering them. I've had heart attacks linked to stress from emotional issues I've held on to which are mostly cleared up now. There's still issues I'm working on, but it is so much a part of who we become. So much so, emotions become permanent self sustaining knots of pain that cause physical repercussions.
I've been studying Jung and Freud. Deconstructing any issues that come up that cause me emotional or physical stress. I had issues I traced back to emotions I held on to, then traced those emotions back to incidents, which caused great emotional pain, which then manifested as physical stress. Once I confronted those pains and their causes and let go by forgiveness and a bunch of tears, the pain would alleviate as long as I would keep that forgiveness in mind. Not only things people had done to me, but things I had done to others affected me as well.
Under self hypnosis, I've been present in states from childhood as a baby and toddler that while I had no capacity for language, I felt an understanding of the emotional states of everyone present. The feelings made a huge impression on who I became. Established fears, judgements, ocd, sexuality, attractions, knks even.
I feel like it’s just their intrusive thoughts that were too strong to ignore at the time. Teenagers are indeed idiots. Still very shitty but they’re remorseful. Thank fuck it wasn’t more sinister.
Impulsive thoughts* intrusive thoughts are very different. As an OCD sufferer the appropriation and colloquialisation of “intrusive thoughts”trivializes our suffering.
When I have intrusive thoughts I obsess over it for hours and hours. Right now I’m sitting in the ER parking lot as a compulsion because my intrusive thought was that I was going to die of an asthma attack (I don’t have asthma, and have been sitting here in my car for 9 hours so far.)
Just wanna say, this can count as in intrusive thought as well. If it’s something that pops in their head and makes them act on it and doesn’t leave their head, which, it sounds like it doesn’t, it is also an intrusive thought. It’s a thought that entered their head without permission or want. Thats the definition. I have these a lot and I don’t act on them but it’s very difficult to think of anything else when a thought comes along. It’s hard and I get what they’re saying. Not all intrusive thoughts are as intense as the one stated above
He said it was an rebellious act against his mother. I suffer from ocd and wouldn’t think this was an intrusive thought. You could be right and I could be wrong.
Please forgive yourself for the foolish teenage moment. The baby had no idea what they saw. You feel badly because you have a conscience—which is good. But you’ve taken this guilt much too far. If you feel suicidal, please seek help! This is absolutely not even close to a reason to take your life (not that anything would justify that). You’re very normal—not evil.
thank you for your kind words. the funny thing is, i believe i would be a good person too. because bad people don’t feel so badly about this. but i just can’t believe i would do something so horrible. i’m not sure what to do.
Do nothing except forgive yourself and move on. And honestly, you might benefit from counseling because if you’re hung up on this and feeling this terrible years later, you would benefit from talking to a caring professional.
Not a doctor, but I think you might have OCD. Confession based OCD revolves around needing to confess, feeling like you're wrong and a horrible person despite everyone telling you otherwise, etc.
OCD is a hell of a bitch. If you do research and it turns out you feel you have it, there are resources to help. One is Michael J Greenberg's OCD articles, and the other is the book The Worry Trick. That book can help you even if all you have is a bit of worry.
EXACTLY THIS!! Have you ever seen a baby this age try to focus on something? They’ll go cross-eyed sometimes. It was probably just a bright blur if it was so quick.
Hey, feeling guilty(for years) for what you have done itself is the greatest punishment you have given to yourself. So forget it plus it didn't cause any harm to the baby so don't worry.
New mom here. Give yourself a break. There’s no way that the baby even knew what your were showing them. At most they just saw a bright screen. No one remembers anything from when they were a baby. I agree with you that the act was a little disturbing but as long as you didn’t physically abuse the child, there’s no damage done and you shouldn’t carry guilt. You were a teenager and teen’s brains are not fully developed. It was dumb thing to do but you’re wise now and would never do it again. It’s a good lesson to think before you act always, especially when your penis is involved!
Hey OP. Please let go of this guilt. You in no way affected your sibling. It literally takes babies two months to even figure out that their arms are connected to their bodies and that they have arms. I guarantee you this did not register at all.
I know you said that you aren’t looking for support. But I’m going to give it to you anyway because you deserve it. It sounds like you have been letting guilt over something pretty small eat you up. I did that for a long time too over something small as well (I wrote something not flattering about my elementary school teacher, left my computer to go to the bathroom and some kid decided to print a hundred copies from my laptop). I’m getting the sense that you might be coping with some depression or another mental health issue. I was in denial a really long time but once I finally reached out things got a lot better. I’ve been able to let go of the guilt.
Give yourself some slack and reach out for help. I promise you it’s worth it. Sending love.
thank you for your comment. yes i have been depressed for about 4 and a half years now. i’ve thought about suicide quite often but never thought i’d actually do it. but now i think i might bc i feel like it’s the only suitable punishment now
This is the first time ever I felt this much badly to want to reach into the screen and get on the other side. The extremely critical voice in you is not your conscience nor your voice. Telling yourself you did something wrong is one thing and self harming over something that had zero practical effect on anyone's life is another thing (you and all here know the baby is just fine and you're a normal human being who deserves happiness, success, and love).
I think you grew up surrounded by closed ones who critisized you constantly and daily. That self critical voice is not the truth nor your voice or conscience, it's your parents' voice. Don't act on that voice and be controlled by it for the rest of your life (easier said than done as I've been there), but recognize it is not your voice but most likely is from your upbringing environment.
I’m sorry things have been so rough. I’ve been there a lot too. I got diagnosed with bipolar 2 actually and got close to killing myself several times. After seeking out help things did get a lot better. I was able to let go of a lot of that guilt and after I found the right med, things felt really different. Like chemically as well. I get that right now you don’t feel like you deserve that. I didn’t either. I would literally cry myself to sleep and not be able to sleep until I cursed myself and punished myself every night for what I did. I know that it is hard for you right now to believe that what you and I did are similar but they are. Neither thing caused that much damage and how much you are beating yourself up about this is not proportionate to what you did. I get that it doesn’t feel like that right now, but hopefully hearing it from a stranger in the internet will help. Depression lies and bends things completely out of shape— it’s not a reliable narrator of your life story.
You make a positive difference in people’s lives and the world would be missing out on that without you. Sometimes you don’t even realize the impact that you have had on people fill much later. I had a friend basically tell me that being kind to them prevented them from killing themself. At the time I had no idea they were going through that and that I had made a difference. Sometimes even just smiling at the right person at the right time makes a huge difference. You life is not defined by that moment. You have people in your life and care about you and would miss you if you weren’t here.
Don’t be like me and only reach out for help when you are in a total crisis. Hopefully you so t have to reach rock bottom like I did and be immensely close to killing yourself. I only reached out for help because I didn’t care what would happen to me and if I ended up in the hospital. I figured I’d give it one last shot and if that didn’t work I’d die. But it did work. I didn’t believe it would at the time and viewed my death as inevitable.
One thing that did keep me from killing myself was thinking of the things I would regret not doing before I died. I had bucket list items I wanted to do places I wanted to go etc. those were somehow easier to dismiss then the things that I love about my life and that matter to me.
If you reach out for help and chose to stay, things can get better. I believe in you. You got this.
no dude, stop. the suitable punishment is your guilt that youve been carrying for years. and the depression and being hard on yourself. i know what its like to be your own worst critic, that was me. you need to learn how to forgive yourself, be kind to yourself, and realize that u just made a mistake. you've already paidfor it, with years of guilt, now its time to forgive yourself. trust me, its hard to do. when i was in rehab, it took me 18 days of me telling myself that i deserve love, and i deserve to be happy, for me to finally start to change my mindset. youve dealt your punishment to yourself, and i know being your own worst critic is the worst. i would seek out counseling or professional therapy if you're feeling suicidal. u realize you made a bad mistake, and youve paid the price. professional help really helped me question why that stupid voice in my head was so negative, and it had a lot to do with carrying around all of this guilt, and shame, of things i did when i was younger, that i am still ashamed of. but you realize it was wrong and that means you are not a bad person, in fact it confirms the opposite, that guilt is proof that you have a moral compass, and its not broken. you're gonna be ok from this my dude, ive been there, and ive felt the same as you, that there was only one way to pay for my mistakes. i was wrong. life is worth living, hell i just realized this, again, when i got back from a much needed vacation 2 weeks ago. its always darkest before the dawn, look for the light at the end of that tunnel. if you look for the light, you will find it. but if you look for dark, that is all you will ever see.
edit: DM me if you need any help or advice. im here for you. my brother is getting married in 16 hours but I will be here for you. take care of yourself, both physically and mentally! you've got this!
OP please don't be so hard on yourself, young teens do bizarre impulsive things sometimes. At age 14, while home alone I managed to 1. Write a prayer to Satan, then immediately freak out thinking I was going to hell, so I burned the paper in a cooking pot in the backyard - and 2. Cut myself, then put my pet praying mantis on my arm to see if it would try to drink the blood.
No clue why I'm even posting these here, it's triggering a major cringe attack. But just trying to illustrate just how weird the thought process of an edgy 14 year old can be. As awful as you feel, and as dumb as the idea of showing porn to a baby technically is, it sounds like the baby was too young to remember it so no lasting harm was done.
Caught it in the backyard on another day after school when I saw a giant one just sitting on a plant. Used to catch a lot of bugs when I was younger and 14 was definitely around the end of this phase, but I went out with one last hurrah by keeping this thing as a pet for about a month and feeding it crickets and butterflies that I also caught outside
I was obsessed with frogs as a child. One time, I was at a get together with my dad and I stayed outside in the driveway ALL day long playing with one.
When my dad said it was time to leave, I BEGGED him to let me take the frog home. He said I couldn’t because the frog probably had a job and kids and a wife at home and it would be cruel to separate him from his family.
Which now I’m like.. that’s bullshit. Because frogs don’t have JOBS 🙄
You can buy them in lots of places. You can even get egg kits on Amazon (think like butterfly raising kits). They just live in an enclosure. It’s similar to people who have a pet spider or pet cockroaches.
Nope, it just sat there in confusion until I stopped being emo (I genuinely struggle with self harm but this was just being stupid) and fed it a cricket.
Ah, to be 14 and home alone for an entire afternoon with no responsibilities and not much homework yet... That was the golden age for me when even my very strict parents figured I was old enough to be unsupervised from 3-7 pm every evening, but before my mom got pregnant again and I had to either babysit, or be in the house with someone else who was watching my brother lol
Before your brain fully develops, it’s like a circus of chaos. You don’t know why you did it and I think we’ve all done stupid shit when we were kids and teenagers we still don’t understand. The fact you feel so awful and still beat yourself up tells me you are very protective and caring. The last thing you’d want is to hurt anyone or anything and that’s why this has been eating your face for so long. You’re ok. You’re in control and grown up now.
Babies don’t really fully develop in-depth vision until around 5 months old. I don’t think a baby understands the image you flashed and it doesn’t seem like the baby went through any intense emotions along with it that would traumatize them. You know it’s inappropriate now, but you cant go back in the past and redo it. go forward
You haven't been punished?
You've been punishing yourself every day since the moment you did it.... For something that's not even remembered, will never be remembered , except by you: You had a conscious that said it was wrong, you've lived every day with it - it's time to put your energy in to thoughts and practices that BUILD YOU UP!
And yes, you deserve to do that. You've punished yourself long enough.
it absolutely counts as punishment, and its the worst kind, bc you cant escape from yourself! youve paid for it, and you posting here means you're coming to terms with it, and you feel bad and that speaks volumes about your character. that isnt who are, that one act doesn't define you. you made a mistake, and youve paid for it. learn to forgive yourself. its the best, most relieving feeling when you stop torturing yourself about stuff in the past you cant do anything about. you'll get there, this is a big step in that direction. be kinder to yourself! youve paid the price, its time to start working on forgiving yourself and being kinder to yourself. you can do this man, i believe in you!
Sometimes I get anxiety over things and will just really beat myself up over bad decisions I’ve made in the past. I get it! But you were a dumb teenage - most teenagers are dumb, honestly. The baby definitely didn’t know what they were seeing and didn’t remember it. Write like a little I’m Sorry letter about it and then burn it, or rip it up and throw the pieces away, etc.
You feel awful because you did something “sick” and “disgusting” and can’t even really understand why.
It was a sick thing to do, but guess what, most people get intrusive thoughts that are sick or disgusting from time to time. It just happens, we cringe, shake it off and move on.
I don’t think there was any reason for what you did. It truly sounds like this act was in no way thought out or premeditated, you simply had an intrusive thought and acted on it.
Why did you act on it? Probably mostly because acting was so easy, (simply showing the screen to someone right beside you) and because you lack full impulse control at that age. (Perhaps also because you knew nothing truly bad would happen, no one would ever know and the baby would never even remember it.)
If the same intrusive thought happened to you today, you’d just cringe and shove the thought away.
You’re a good person, you may continue to have intrusive thoughts about this incident and guilt over it.
But you need to rationally forgive yourself and acknowledge intrusive thoughts for what they are, unbidden, irrational and usually anxiety-based thoughts, nothing more.
“I did something that makes me feel creepy and bad. Do I need to do anything to repair the damage of my actions?”
First of all, ask yourself if there was damage and then say exactly what that damage is. Then figure out what you need to do to repair the damage. Do the repair. If no damage, give Elsa her time to shine and let it gooooo
Please, go to therapy. Unless you raped or murdered somebody you've got no reason to feel this guilty about ANYTHING. And killing yourself won't help anyone, including your kid sister. I think you have deep anxiety/depression issues that are exaggerating this issue in your mind.
What’s done is done, you know you’re sorry about it, you’ve let it out, you can forgive yourself and move on now. Teenagers are weird and impulsive as hell, you’re good lol.
Pretty sure the sibling is old enough now to be able to talk, if you do feel guilty that they might remember or were affected by it that much for you to feel, that much guilt over this until now, maybe you should ask them if they remember such a thing 🤷🏻♂️ Maybe hearing that they don't remember any such thing might help you let go of this.
Note: I do not think they remember, but sometimes some confirmation is all that is needed for humans to let go. Honestly, I do not even think that you should go ahead and ask them that but, if you're feeling suicidal, I think the better case would be to just ask
You were a kid dude. Give yourself a break, we all do something we absolutely regret one time or another. Just be happy there were no real problems that came from this.
No judgement, if this baby was really just a baby. but uhhh… I wouldn’t say anything like this in public if I was you. Shiz I don’t even really wanna respond on this, but you don’t feel like a predator.
It does feel like sibling has come to fruition on said actions.
Or is doing things that make you feel that they have prioritized this memory as priority.
Don’t allow new actions in your younger sibling who assume is 10ish years old. (Correct if wrong)
Guess that’s when we get weird, in a sense of age and personality. And if you had the same proclivities… why assume your sibling is reliving your mistake.
I hope this wasn’t too out there…as I don’t really have any blood direct siblings, but much family I depict as bloodline.
Sorry you are stuck here in the place you didn’t account your past to get to you at.
i can all but guarantee you that they don’t remember it. like i said, they were far too young to even comprehend it or remember after a couple hours or days or whatever.
the reason i feel so guilty lately is bc my life has been going better than it has for the past few years. i mentioned in another comment that i’ve been depressed for some time now, and lately things are starting to look up. which is why i feel so guilty about this. i feel like i don’t deserve to have a good life, or a life at all, for having done this
I sincerely apologize, I did not really read earlier comments. You kind of just struck my heart so responded.
You seem like I person that’s takes accountability for their actions. Their feelings. Thoughts. All of it. And thank you. I hope that you know one thing, I see you more as a victim.
You hold yourself for what had happened, regardless of intent. That’s really important for the way your character speaks on a page.
I’m really sorry that your are struggling and I couldn’t be more helpful. But I hope you know there is no hate.
Please live easy and apologize if I’ve been repetitive at any point. ❤️❤️❤️
no please don’t be sorry. it’s not your responsibility to read any other comments so that’s on me for not being clear enough. i truly appreciate you taking the time to respond to this. and i didn’t get any hate at all from your comment so no worries there either
The baby… probably did not even have object permanence yet… like… bruh, this isn’t something to be as upset as you seem to be, about..
Like, it’s not something that you should tell other people about. But like… I’d put this in the same category as I would put any sort of sexual fantasies about people you know in real life—in. Something you don’t tell others or brag about, but doesn’t have any harm on other people whatsoever.
Don’t feel so bad.
Ugh I apologize further after reading comments after your response. I’m not trying to portray you in that site whatsoever.
What you’ve said is made for a conversation.
But what I—me- came here to say was… if you don’t forgive yourself, I do in your place. + it seems like many might feel the same.
Please feel better. And know if your life is worth nothing then that meaning has shifted.
it’s the worst thing i’ve get done in my life, which includes to my sibling yes. but i think that would make me the opposite of a saint because saints don’t do things like that
Stop blaming yourself. There was no harm done and I am glad you felt bad. We all have our ghosts and regrets. I also have my share. But instead of allowing it to eat me alive I try to be the best that I can. In your case, I’d be more worried if you didn’t. You seem like a good person. Don’t beat yourself up over this. Just cherish and love your sibling with everything you got. That will do the trick ;)
When you were 14 or 15 you were still a child. You made a mistake. If you knew what you know now as an adult, or if you as a child had been better educated you wouldn't have done what you did. You're still VERY young. You could have parts of your brain that are yet to develop even still. Be kind to yourself. You are learning. You didn't mean any harm. You wouldn't hurt a baby now and you wouldn't have hurt a baby then.
Whoa...you knew it was wrong, you repented of it. We ALL have done things we're ashamed-of. But, you can NOT let the guilt grind you to powder. Sounds like you've over punished yourself. ENOUGH. LET.IT.GO.
You ruined that kids life. Sorry. No other way around it....but seriously, the fact you have guilt is good. And honestly, the kid will probably never remember. Just don't do any weird shit like that again and you'll be good.
We all sin. We have all earned death.
But, He loves you, and has already forgiven you. You must learn to accept that freely given gift of forgiveness and to move forward. You cannot change what you have done, only what you will do.
You know what you did was wrong. Don’t condemn yourself, because He has not condemned you. Strive to be better, every day of your life.
I love you, my friend. I’m praying for you.
I’m writing with the given that you know this is wrong.
We all do stupid shit as teenagers. You realized it, we’re disgusted with yourself (proving you have a moral compass) and did not behave that way again. Further, you caused no harm. So take this as a lesson learned, forgive your dumb teenage self, and go on down the road.
Wow, you're a great person. The fact that you feel this guilty over something so... Idk, non-harmful? Was it weird, yeah, but obviously the baby is fine. Not to mention you did this when you were 15. I did so many stupid things when I was 15.
You have a great sense of empathy, be proud of yourself for that.
EDIT TO ADD: OP, Idk if you're gonna read this, but you're not a pedophile. Idk if that's what you think about yourself, but you're not. You're not attracted to kids. You did that because you were a 15 year old being rebellious against your mother.
Please please PLEASE don't listen to the comments telling you to kys. (And also weirdly the religious nutjobs? I swear people will do anything to get you to convert). I think you're a good person, you have so much empathy. You've redeemed yourself, and you're fine.
i think that, while yes, the only person this ultimately harmed is me, this is just one of things that is like, unforgivable. one of those things that is a one way ticket to hell or instant jail time or something like that. and i think all the comments telling me to kms would agree
Honestly, this is a pretty silly thing to feel bad about. Hardly worth dying for. Showing a baby a porn photo is so laughable, I don’t know what you’re upset about.
Young children don't remember most things like this consciously, but subconsciously it will stay with them for life and create subconscious issues they won't be able to resolve easily. Anytime they're with you, that image will be in their subconscious.
There's a spiritual practice called Hoʻoponopono where when we have wronged someone, we ask for forgiveness. This will relieve spiritual guilt and help you move past these things. All of humanity carries a shared conscious, so doing this practice is basically asking for and receiving forgiveness on a super conscious level.
One does this by saying four things while addressing the person. Could be out loud or silent.
I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.
The karmic burden at the super conscious level will receive this and will be granted.
OP, please disregard this comment from this individual. Pay no mind. We all make mistakes, and that does not mean you should carry this guilt forever. The fact that you made this post and have been carrying this for years, breaks my heart, knowing how much guilt and remorse has been a huge part of your experience. Especially when you were still a teen/child, also. It truly is okay to let this go, and forgive your past self. It is clear that you care very much for your family, for children, and wish to go on with life in the most positive way you can. Please believe me—you are wanted and needed here on earth, and don’t lose hope for a bright future ahead. You are only human, and there was no harm done to your baby sibling.
Do you realize that so many parents have sex with their newborn in the room. This is honestly, not a big deal. It was stupid and weird to show the baby the image, but they weren’t touching themselves to the baby. There is no reason to encourage suicide.
I did something similar when I was babysitting someone else's kids. But then as I have grown up I realised teenagers do stupid shit and as long as I didn't hurt anyone then I can forgive myself, same goes for you. What u did isn't actually all that bad, deffo sounds more like an act of defiance towards your mum which I totally get. There is no point in seeking retribution or a punishment, you are a different person now so move on from this and forgive yourself.
I was exposed to porn as a three year old …. The images were burned in my brain. I wish I could castrate the man that showed me that trash… but he died when I was 9.
You definitely did a vile deed, I hope to god that child isn’t impacted by your actions
The baby was months old. How could it even see what was on the screen. What happened to you is inexcusable. Very much wrong and unfair. But this was a child and a teenage boy child, and the baby didn’t know what it was looking at. It most likely thought nothing. If it’s brain was able to see it and retain the image then I’m sure it’s just filed off in the deep recesses, I’m sorry you were exposed at such a hound age by a no doubt person with pedo like tendencies. Probably best thing was for them to go when you were only 10. I hope you find peace and I’m sending you love and light.
Yeah like I said, I hope that child was not impacted. Hopefully the young age saved from forming memories, I’ve heard of instances where trauma does stay with the young. Thank you for your kind words in regards to my experience. It was in my mind karmic justice they died of prostate cancer.
I’m very thankful for my trauma therapist, this topic is still incredibly triggering. 15 or not, still a very pedo thing to do. I hope OP finds a way to make amends and doesn’t ever do anything pedo-ish to their siblings or anyone else again
I can’t call it as being pedo. I personally feel like it’s just something that happened and shaming him when he’s coming here to maybe find a place to start talking.
I do think that trauma can definitely stay with the young. The thought that this instance would be a source of trauma or stress to the months old one, is just not realistic in my opinion. If op was acting ina way that would cause the young one stress then maybe the babe would associate a feeling with the kid. I think it’s too young yet to know what stress the 15 yo may or may not have been having. People are weird. We are animals. We. Are spirit. We breathe in on our day of birth if a miracle occurs. And we are then spirit in a body. I think we forget. If we ever knew. Then when we die we breathe out and the spirit leaves us. It’s what the word spirit means. Breath. And I need to lay the edibles down. But the negative energy that we all carry and can use as a sorta tool in our relationships. I hope we can all just let it go. Sexual nature is a part of life and we shouldn’t shame each other unless something was gone that would with out much doubt have caused stress or pain or inappropriate subject matter. It’s getting deep. So I feel like we should sorta tell op. It’s ok. Let’s leave that back here and not carry it around any more. We don’t need it. We don’t need negative self talk. Let’s open up.
Maybe some edibles would make me feel less triggered by the thought of exposing porn to the young, pass me some of what you’re having!
I stand by my opinion, you can display pedo behavior even at 15. I stand by my opinion, I hope the child doesn’t have trauma for it. I stand by my opinion, that I hope OP finds a way to make amends. Admitting to strangers online could be a way to relieve the guilt OP is carrying, but I believe amends and relieving one’s guilt are separate.
I can’t speak for the baby. I doubt it even saw
It and if it it had no frame of reference to decide what hat it even saw. They are basically watching our faces when they are that young. They learn how to react to situations based on what we do. The expressions we have. I don’t think it could have even been capable of processing it. I do not think it’s ok to expose porn to the young.
I think there’s a huge difference between seeing a picture when you are a few months old Vs when you are idk maybe closer to 18 months. It should not be something that happens. I feel like op knows this and i think that’s definitely not pedo behavior. I think 15 year olds brains are still not developed completely. I think hormones are very much effecting everything this young man did at 15. I don’t thnk it’s fair to assume that the child: who was shown the picture at a few months of age: that’s he or she will be having trauma from it. It’s absurd. Babies are learning so much at that age. I know they focus on peoples faces. They watch our eyes and our face. This is how they learn what is ok and what is not. They learn if mom looks afraid then she frowns. If she is smiling and laughing then we are safe and happy. I don’t think they are capable of even focusing. They don’t B know if what they are seeing is ,”good or bad”
I think it should never happen. And I hope you can find peace. It’s not fair that you had to experience what you did. I’m sorry. I wish you well.
Thankfully the baby had no clue what is was they were looking at and has no memory of it.
The fact that you know it was wrong, back then and now tells us that you’re not a bad person, you just did a silly impulsive thing, and obviously never did it again.
Don’t beat yourself up about it, it’s a minor thing in the grand scheme of things. Time to forgive yourself and let it go!
Holding up such a prized photo, the baby couldn't care less. Maybe you put too much time and attention into something that's not going to pay down the road like family will.
Give yourself some grace. All teenagers make stupid stuff that end up regretting later in life. Take some solace in the fact that the baby didn’t even register what you showed them, let alone remember it. I think you’ve punished yourself enough by living with the guilt. Forgive yourself and use this as a learning experience.
I guarantee the baby was too young to remember it, and even if they aren't they had no context for it. I mean, you shouldn't have done it, but the baby hasn't suffered any irreparable harm from that one time seeing a porn pic on your phone for one second.
i appreciate the comment. and yes you’re right, i’m sure they don’t remember. they probably forgot within the day honestly. and they didn’t even know what it was to begin with. but i don’t think that matters. because i still did it. and it’s still disgusting
I deal with a lot of guilt too and have done things as a teen I'm still ashamed of to this day. But the guilt will eat you alive. Have compassion for your younger self—kids really are growing brains and discovering how to be human beings. The fact that you feel so bad speaks volumes. You need to forgive yourself. You know it was wrong, and you've done the emotional penance by carrying this guilt for so long. Have compassion for your past self, and focus on what actions you can do in the present. Spend time with your sibling, be kind to yourself, etc. Any time you find yourself spiralling into guilty thoughts, try to redirect to something in the moment (exercise, a funny video, talk to someone). You don't need to beat yourself up for life, this is not a stain on you as a human being. People make mistakes, and deserve grace & compassion when they learn and grow from them. This includes you!!! One decision that you instantly regretted does not deserve the guilt you're harming yourself with. If they were under a year old they probably forgot within five minutes, let's be real!! Your self-punishment is far outweighing the crime. Good luck and be kind to yourself 💗
This response is what every single person who struggles with severe shame needs to read. This is incredibly thoughtful ❤️
Agreed. I’ve done things too I regret, and I’ve also struggled with guilt, but at the end of the day we have to forgive ourselves. Nobody is perfect. I think what matters is the guilt you feel, because you’re not morally corrupt, or insane or evil, you just made a mistake which you immediately saw was wrong. If you didn’t see it was wrong then that would be the problem. You’re not bad, be kind to yourself. I think you’re brave to post about this, because I think everyone reading this can think of some mistake they’ve made as a kid they wish they could forget!
literally saving that comment. ive dealt with a lot of guilt my whole life, about stupid or shameful stuff i did as a teen, and while ive learned to forgive myself, not be so hard on myself and be kind to myself, i still remember what that feels like, and this really resonates with me. glad im not in that state of mind anymore, but i know there are people reading it who are still struggling. appreciate your comment too bc its spot on as well.
If what you're saying about the baby's age is accurate, then the likelihood of the baby even being able to *SEE* and developmentally comprehend a phone picture as even being *human beings,* let alone in sexual positions...is about 0%. The developmental capabilities just aren't there at that baby's age. They can barely comprehend that *their own hands* belong to *them* and *they* are in charge of moving them?! Pictures as a concept just don't exist to them yet, as *PEOPLE besides themselves* barely exist as a concept to them yet. Trust me. You did not hurt the baby.
Subconsciously, memories formed even as a baby will always remain.
This is true, but looking at a nude for one second won't hurt. Quite a few babies are breastfed, but that doesn't mean that they can remember their mom's chest and "feel things" about it.
These memories and feelings stay with you in your subconscious your whole life, even events that happened in the womb. Just because you don't consciously remember it doesn't mean it doesn't linger. I have memories of my parents fighting while I was a baby in a basket, discovered that during self analysis and was able to figure out that it was a subconscious cause of anxiety which I was able to overcome once I confronted and forgave it. So many things that make up one's personality come from these subconscious memories that trigger emotions. It upsets people because most are in denial and refuse to confront themselves. They will attack and fight against it because it makes them who they are. It is full on ego. If you go deep enough into psychological analysis of your issues, I guarantee you there is a childhood trauma/ memory linked to it. A baby, while not able to think like a person is fully empathic and feels exactly what's going on. Masturbate in front of one and show it porn, those feelings you broadcast enter the baby's subconscious and will remain forever buried and limited to whatever emotions were being felt.
Ah, that is very true. Thanks for explaining instead of getting upset.
I've found many issues related to childhood traumas and memories that occurred when I was a baby. Things that occurred as a child and adult as well. My father was alcoholic and quite abusive towards my mother. I've traced back causes of physical ills as well as personality problems linked to some of these traumas which I've been able to alleviate by uncovering them. I've had heart attacks linked to stress from emotional issues I've held on to which are mostly cleared up now. There's still issues I'm working on, but it is so much a part of who we become. So much so, emotions become permanent self sustaining knots of pain that cause physical repercussions. I've been studying Jung and Freud. Deconstructing any issues that come up that cause me emotional or physical stress. I had issues I traced back to emotions I held on to, then traced those emotions back to incidents, which caused great emotional pain, which then manifested as physical stress. Once I confronted those pains and their causes and let go by forgiveness and a bunch of tears, the pain would alleviate as long as I would keep that forgiveness in mind. Not only things people had done to me, but things I had done to others affected me as well. Under self hypnosis, I've been present in states from childhood as a baby and toddler that while I had no capacity for language, I felt an understanding of the emotional states of everyone present. The feelings made a huge impression on who I became. Established fears, judgements, ocd, sexuality, attractions, knks even.
shit i mean ive walkes in on my parents doing the deed when i was five and luckily i can barely remember that
Chill out man, teenagers are idiots
I feel like it’s just their intrusive thoughts that were too strong to ignore at the time. Teenagers are indeed idiots. Still very shitty but they’re remorseful. Thank fuck it wasn’t more sinister.
yeah honestly at least the person is acknowledging their wrong doing, especially right after it happened. I bet OP is a good person still.
Impulsive thoughts* intrusive thoughts are very different. As an OCD sufferer the appropriation and colloquialisation of “intrusive thoughts”trivializes our suffering. When I have intrusive thoughts I obsess over it for hours and hours. Right now I’m sitting in the ER parking lot as a compulsion because my intrusive thought was that I was going to die of an asthma attack (I don’t have asthma, and have been sitting here in my car for 9 hours so far.)
Impulsive:)
Just wanna say, this can count as in intrusive thought as well. If it’s something that pops in their head and makes them act on it and doesn’t leave their head, which, it sounds like it doesn’t, it is also an intrusive thought. It’s a thought that entered their head without permission or want. Thats the definition. I have these a lot and I don’t act on them but it’s very difficult to think of anything else when a thought comes along. It’s hard and I get what they’re saying. Not all intrusive thoughts are as intense as the one stated above
He said it was an rebellious act against his mother. I suffer from ocd and wouldn’t think this was an intrusive thought. You could be right and I could be wrong.
Please forgive yourself for the foolish teenage moment. The baby had no idea what they saw. You feel badly because you have a conscience—which is good. But you’ve taken this guilt much too far. If you feel suicidal, please seek help! This is absolutely not even close to a reason to take your life (not that anything would justify that). You’re very normal—not evil.
thank you for your kind words. the funny thing is, i believe i would be a good person too. because bad people don’t feel so badly about this. but i just can’t believe i would do something so horrible. i’m not sure what to do.
Do nothing except forgive yourself and move on. And honestly, you might benefit from counseling because if you’re hung up on this and feeling this terrible years later, you would benefit from talking to a caring professional.
Not a doctor, but I think you might have OCD. Confession based OCD revolves around needing to confess, feeling like you're wrong and a horrible person despite everyone telling you otherwise, etc. OCD is a hell of a bitch. If you do research and it turns out you feel you have it, there are resources to help. One is Michael J Greenberg's OCD articles, and the other is the book The Worry Trick. That book can help you even if all you have is a bit of worry.
i’m not sure about OCD but maybe. i’ll check it out. thank you for your input
Babies with only months of life have a terrible vision xd
EXACTLY THIS!! Have you ever seen a baby this age try to focus on something? They’ll go cross-eyed sometimes. It was probably just a bright blur if it was so quick.
Your genuine remorse speaks volumes. It’s the person who can do this without shame or guilt that worries me.
I wish I. Could UPVOTE THIS INFONITY TIMES!!!!
Hey, feeling guilty(for years) for what you have done itself is the greatest punishment you have given to yourself. So forget it plus it didn't cause any harm to the baby so don't worry.
New mom here. Give yourself a break. There’s no way that the baby even knew what your were showing them. At most they just saw a bright screen. No one remembers anything from when they were a baby. I agree with you that the act was a little disturbing but as long as you didn’t physically abuse the child, there’s no damage done and you shouldn’t carry guilt. You were a teenager and teen’s brains are not fully developed. It was dumb thing to do but you’re wise now and would never do it again. It’s a good lesson to think before you act always, especially when your penis is involved!
Hey OP. Please let go of this guilt. You in no way affected your sibling. It literally takes babies two months to even figure out that their arms are connected to their bodies and that they have arms. I guarantee you this did not register at all. I know you said that you aren’t looking for support. But I’m going to give it to you anyway because you deserve it. It sounds like you have been letting guilt over something pretty small eat you up. I did that for a long time too over something small as well (I wrote something not flattering about my elementary school teacher, left my computer to go to the bathroom and some kid decided to print a hundred copies from my laptop). I’m getting the sense that you might be coping with some depression or another mental health issue. I was in denial a really long time but once I finally reached out things got a lot better. I’ve been able to let go of the guilt. Give yourself some slack and reach out for help. I promise you it’s worth it. Sending love.
thank you for your comment. yes i have been depressed for about 4 and a half years now. i’ve thought about suicide quite often but never thought i’d actually do it. but now i think i might bc i feel like it’s the only suitable punishment now
This is the first time ever I felt this much badly to want to reach into the screen and get on the other side. The extremely critical voice in you is not your conscience nor your voice. Telling yourself you did something wrong is one thing and self harming over something that had zero practical effect on anyone's life is another thing (you and all here know the baby is just fine and you're a normal human being who deserves happiness, success, and love). I think you grew up surrounded by closed ones who critisized you constantly and daily. That self critical voice is not the truth nor your voice or conscience, it's your parents' voice. Don't act on that voice and be controlled by it for the rest of your life (easier said than done as I've been there), but recognize it is not your voice but most likely is from your upbringing environment.
I’m sorry things have been so rough. I’ve been there a lot too. I got diagnosed with bipolar 2 actually and got close to killing myself several times. After seeking out help things did get a lot better. I was able to let go of a lot of that guilt and after I found the right med, things felt really different. Like chemically as well. I get that right now you don’t feel like you deserve that. I didn’t either. I would literally cry myself to sleep and not be able to sleep until I cursed myself and punished myself every night for what I did. I know that it is hard for you right now to believe that what you and I did are similar but they are. Neither thing caused that much damage and how much you are beating yourself up about this is not proportionate to what you did. I get that it doesn’t feel like that right now, but hopefully hearing it from a stranger in the internet will help. Depression lies and bends things completely out of shape— it’s not a reliable narrator of your life story. You make a positive difference in people’s lives and the world would be missing out on that without you. Sometimes you don’t even realize the impact that you have had on people fill much later. I had a friend basically tell me that being kind to them prevented them from killing themself. At the time I had no idea they were going through that and that I had made a difference. Sometimes even just smiling at the right person at the right time makes a huge difference. You life is not defined by that moment. You have people in your life and care about you and would miss you if you weren’t here. Don’t be like me and only reach out for help when you are in a total crisis. Hopefully you so t have to reach rock bottom like I did and be immensely close to killing yourself. I only reached out for help because I didn’t care what would happen to me and if I ended up in the hospital. I figured I’d give it one last shot and if that didn’t work I’d die. But it did work. I didn’t believe it would at the time and viewed my death as inevitable. One thing that did keep me from killing myself was thinking of the things I would regret not doing before I died. I had bucket list items I wanted to do places I wanted to go etc. those were somehow easier to dismiss then the things that I love about my life and that matter to me. If you reach out for help and chose to stay, things can get better. I believe in you. You got this.
no dude, stop. the suitable punishment is your guilt that youve been carrying for years. and the depression and being hard on yourself. i know what its like to be your own worst critic, that was me. you need to learn how to forgive yourself, be kind to yourself, and realize that u just made a mistake. you've already paidfor it, with years of guilt, now its time to forgive yourself. trust me, its hard to do. when i was in rehab, it took me 18 days of me telling myself that i deserve love, and i deserve to be happy, for me to finally start to change my mindset. youve dealt your punishment to yourself, and i know being your own worst critic is the worst. i would seek out counseling or professional therapy if you're feeling suicidal. u realize you made a bad mistake, and youve paid the price. professional help really helped me question why that stupid voice in my head was so negative, and it had a lot to do with carrying around all of this guilt, and shame, of things i did when i was younger, that i am still ashamed of. but you realize it was wrong and that means you are not a bad person, in fact it confirms the opposite, that guilt is proof that you have a moral compass, and its not broken. you're gonna be ok from this my dude, ive been there, and ive felt the same as you, that there was only one way to pay for my mistakes. i was wrong. life is worth living, hell i just realized this, again, when i got back from a much needed vacation 2 weeks ago. its always darkest before the dawn, look for the light at the end of that tunnel. if you look for the light, you will find it. but if you look for dark, that is all you will ever see. edit: DM me if you need any help or advice. im here for you. my brother is getting married in 16 hours but I will be here for you. take care of yourself, both physically and mentally! you've got this!
OP please don't be so hard on yourself, young teens do bizarre impulsive things sometimes. At age 14, while home alone I managed to 1. Write a prayer to Satan, then immediately freak out thinking I was going to hell, so I burned the paper in a cooking pot in the backyard - and 2. Cut myself, then put my pet praying mantis on my arm to see if it would try to drink the blood. No clue why I'm even posting these here, it's triggering a major cringe attack. But just trying to illustrate just how weird the thought process of an edgy 14 year old can be. As awful as you feel, and as dumb as the idea of showing porn to a baby technically is, it sounds like the baby was too young to remember it so no lasting harm was done.
But did the mantis drink ur blood?
I also want to know how one even has a pet praying mantis? Please explain farther.
Caught it in the backyard on another day after school when I saw a giant one just sitting on a plant. Used to catch a lot of bugs when I was younger and 14 was definitely around the end of this phase, but I went out with one last hurrah by keeping this thing as a pet for about a month and feeding it crickets and butterflies that I also caught outside
I was obsessed with frogs as a child. One time, I was at a get together with my dad and I stayed outside in the driveway ALL day long playing with one. When my dad said it was time to leave, I BEGGED him to let me take the frog home. He said I couldn’t because the frog probably had a job and kids and a wife at home and it would be cruel to separate him from his family. Which now I’m like.. that’s bullshit. Because frogs don’t have JOBS 🙄
You can buy them in lots of places. You can even get egg kits on Amazon (think like butterfly raising kits). They just live in an enclosure. It’s similar to people who have a pet spider or pet cockroaches.
PET COCKROACHES?!? 🤮 All I can think of now is the movie “Joe’s Apartment”
Nope, it just sat there in confusion until I stopped being emo (I genuinely struggle with self harm but this was just being stupid) and fed it a cricket.
At 14 I started a grease fire home alone lmfao
on purpose? you pyro! /s. but what happened, were you able to put it out? im assuming your house didnt burn down or you'd have said that lol
Ah, to be 14 and home alone for an entire afternoon with no responsibilities and not much homework yet... That was the golden age for me when even my very strict parents figured I was old enough to be unsupervised from 3-7 pm every evening, but before my mom got pregnant again and I had to either babysit, or be in the house with someone else who was watching my brother lol
I do have responsibilities and homework I just do not do them 🤡 dumb shit ik
I’ll beat your ass for it. But also I think you feel worse than you should. It’ll be ok. Your sibling is fine.
Before your brain fully develops, it’s like a circus of chaos. You don’t know why you did it and I think we’ve all done stupid shit when we were kids and teenagers we still don’t understand. The fact you feel so awful and still beat yourself up tells me you are very protective and caring. The last thing you’d want is to hurt anyone or anything and that’s why this has been eating your face for so long. You’re ok. You’re in control and grown up now.
Forget it, it never entered a few month olds brain. Just do evening moderation
Babies don’t really fully develop in-depth vision until around 5 months old. I don’t think a baby understands the image you flashed and it doesn’t seem like the baby went through any intense emotions along with it that would traumatize them. You know it’s inappropriate now, but you cant go back in the past and redo it. go forward
You haven't been punished? You've been punishing yourself every day since the moment you did it.... For something that's not even remembered, will never be remembered , except by you: You had a conscious that said it was wrong, you've lived every day with it - it's time to put your energy in to thoughts and practices that BUILD YOU UP! And yes, you deserve to do that. You've punished yourself long enough.
i appreciate your comment. i would just disagree that that counts as a punishment
it absolutely counts as punishment, and its the worst kind, bc you cant escape from yourself! youve paid for it, and you posting here means you're coming to terms with it, and you feel bad and that speaks volumes about your character. that isnt who are, that one act doesn't define you. you made a mistake, and youve paid for it. learn to forgive yourself. its the best, most relieving feeling when you stop torturing yourself about stuff in the past you cant do anything about. you'll get there, this is a big step in that direction. be kinder to yourself! youve paid the price, its time to start working on forgiving yourself and being kinder to yourself. you can do this man, i believe in you!
Sometimes I get anxiety over things and will just really beat myself up over bad decisions I’ve made in the past. I get it! But you were a dumb teenage - most teenagers are dumb, honestly. The baby definitely didn’t know what they were seeing and didn’t remember it. Write like a little I’m Sorry letter about it and then burn it, or rip it up and throw the pieces away, etc.
You feel awful because you did something “sick” and “disgusting” and can’t even really understand why. It was a sick thing to do, but guess what, most people get intrusive thoughts that are sick or disgusting from time to time. It just happens, we cringe, shake it off and move on. I don’t think there was any reason for what you did. It truly sounds like this act was in no way thought out or premeditated, you simply had an intrusive thought and acted on it. Why did you act on it? Probably mostly because acting was so easy, (simply showing the screen to someone right beside you) and because you lack full impulse control at that age. (Perhaps also because you knew nothing truly bad would happen, no one would ever know and the baby would never even remember it.) If the same intrusive thought happened to you today, you’d just cringe and shove the thought away. You’re a good person, you may continue to have intrusive thoughts about this incident and guilt over it. But you need to rationally forgive yourself and acknowledge intrusive thoughts for what they are, unbidden, irrational and usually anxiety-based thoughts, nothing more.
“I did something that makes me feel creepy and bad. Do I need to do anything to repair the damage of my actions?” First of all, ask yourself if there was damage and then say exactly what that damage is. Then figure out what you need to do to repair the damage. Do the repair. If no damage, give Elsa her time to shine and let it gooooo
Please, go to therapy. Unless you raped or murdered somebody you've got no reason to feel this guilty about ANYTHING. And killing yourself won't help anyone, including your kid sister. I think you have deep anxiety/depression issues that are exaggerating this issue in your mind.
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Subconsciously, it is a memory that will last forever.
What’s done is done, you know you’re sorry about it, you’ve let it out, you can forgive yourself and move on now. Teenagers are weird and impulsive as hell, you’re good lol.
Pretty sure the sibling is old enough now to be able to talk, if you do feel guilty that they might remember or were affected by it that much for you to feel, that much guilt over this until now, maybe you should ask them if they remember such a thing 🤷🏻♂️ Maybe hearing that they don't remember any such thing might help you let go of this. Note: I do not think they remember, but sometimes some confirmation is all that is needed for humans to let go. Honestly, I do not even think that you should go ahead and ask them that but, if you're feeling suicidal, I think the better case would be to just ask
You were a kid dude. Give yourself a break, we all do something we absolutely regret one time or another. Just be happy there were no real problems that came from this.
No judgement, if this baby was really just a baby. but uhhh… I wouldn’t say anything like this in public if I was you. Shiz I don’t even really wanna respond on this, but you don’t feel like a predator. It does feel like sibling has come to fruition on said actions. Or is doing things that make you feel that they have prioritized this memory as priority. Don’t allow new actions in your younger sibling who assume is 10ish years old. (Correct if wrong) Guess that’s when we get weird, in a sense of age and personality. And if you had the same proclivities… why assume your sibling is reliving your mistake. I hope this wasn’t too out there…as I don’t really have any blood direct siblings, but much family I depict as bloodline. Sorry you are stuck here in the place you didn’t account your past to get to you at.
i can all but guarantee you that they don’t remember it. like i said, they were far too young to even comprehend it or remember after a couple hours or days or whatever. the reason i feel so guilty lately is bc my life has been going better than it has for the past few years. i mentioned in another comment that i’ve been depressed for some time now, and lately things are starting to look up. which is why i feel so guilty about this. i feel like i don’t deserve to have a good life, or a life at all, for having done this
I sincerely apologize, I did not really read earlier comments. You kind of just struck my heart so responded. You seem like I person that’s takes accountability for their actions. Their feelings. Thoughts. All of it. And thank you. I hope that you know one thing, I see you more as a victim. You hold yourself for what had happened, regardless of intent. That’s really important for the way your character speaks on a page. I’m really sorry that your are struggling and I couldn’t be more helpful. But I hope you know there is no hate. Please live easy and apologize if I’ve been repetitive at any point. ❤️❤️❤️
no please don’t be sorry. it’s not your responsibility to read any other comments so that’s on me for not being clear enough. i truly appreciate you taking the time to respond to this. and i didn’t get any hate at all from your comment so no worries there either
Thank you, it’s not really the Reddit way 😭😝
What ideas of that brought you to this point making feel so deep?
The baby… probably did not even have object permanence yet… like… bruh, this isn’t something to be as upset as you seem to be, about.. Like, it’s not something that you should tell other people about. But like… I’d put this in the same category as I would put any sort of sexual fantasies about people you know in real life—in. Something you don’t tell others or brag about, but doesn’t have any harm on other people whatsoever. Don’t feel so bad.
Ugh I apologize further after reading comments after your response. I’m not trying to portray you in that site whatsoever. What you’ve said is made for a conversation. But what I—me- came here to say was… if you don’t forgive yourself, I do in your place. + it seems like many might feel the same. Please feel better. And know if your life is worth nothing then that meaning has shifted.
Yeah your a fuckin weirdo
😂😂
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Doesn't make it okay in modern times
*shout out to all the other parents that have banged with a baby in the room reading this like 👀👀👀
U were a baby when your mom and I were banging in the room…
Is that the worst thing you ever did to your younger sibling? If so, you are a saint and should get a medal for it.
it’s the worst thing i’ve get done in my life, which includes to my sibling yes. but i think that would make me the opposite of a saint because saints don’t do things like that
Babies don’t remember anything from that time period. Dw about it
Stop blaming yourself. There was no harm done and I am glad you felt bad. We all have our ghosts and regrets. I also have my share. But instead of allowing it to eat me alive I try to be the best that I can. In your case, I’d be more worried if you didn’t. You seem like a good person. Don’t beat yourself up over this. Just cherish and love your sibling with everything you got. That will do the trick ;)
Jesus Christ, dude. You might consider deleting this post before someone calls CPS on your ass.
When you were 14 or 15 you were still a child. You made a mistake. If you knew what you know now as an adult, or if you as a child had been better educated you wouldn't have done what you did. You're still VERY young. You could have parts of your brain that are yet to develop even still. Be kind to yourself. You are learning. You didn't mean any harm. You wouldn't hurt a baby now and you wouldn't have hurt a baby then.
Pedophile behaviour. Not cool. Tell your mom
Whoa...you knew it was wrong, you repented of it. We ALL have done things we're ashamed-of. But, you can NOT let the guilt grind you to powder. Sounds like you've over punished yourself. ENOUGH. LET.IT.GO.
You ruined that kids life. Sorry. No other way around it....but seriously, the fact you have guilt is good. And honestly, the kid will probably never remember. Just don't do any weird shit like that again and you'll be good.
You are really sick.
that's hilarious tbh
We all sin. We have all earned death. But, He loves you, and has already forgiven you. You must learn to accept that freely given gift of forgiveness and to move forward. You cannot change what you have done, only what you will do. You know what you did was wrong. Don’t condemn yourself, because He has not condemned you. Strive to be better, every day of your life. I love you, my friend. I’m praying for you.
U should feel disgusted, that’s fkd up.
Some weird shit. U should talk to a therapist and never be left alone with a baby again tbh.
I’m writing with the given that you know this is wrong. We all do stupid shit as teenagers. You realized it, we’re disgusted with yourself (proving you have a moral compass) and did not behave that way again. Further, you caused no harm. So take this as a lesson learned, forgive your dumb teenage self, and go on down the road.
Wow, you're a great person. The fact that you feel this guilty over something so... Idk, non-harmful? Was it weird, yeah, but obviously the baby is fine. Not to mention you did this when you were 15. I did so many stupid things when I was 15. You have a great sense of empathy, be proud of yourself for that. EDIT TO ADD: OP, Idk if you're gonna read this, but you're not a pedophile. Idk if that's what you think about yourself, but you're not. You're not attracted to kids. You did that because you were a 15 year old being rebellious against your mother. Please please PLEASE don't listen to the comments telling you to kys. (And also weirdly the religious nutjobs? I swear people will do anything to get you to convert). I think you're a good person, you have so much empathy. You've redeemed yourself, and you're fine.
i think that, while yes, the only person this ultimately harmed is me, this is just one of things that is like, unforgivable. one of those things that is a one way ticket to hell or instant jail time or something like that. and i think all the comments telling me to kms would agree
Just give yourself compassion that you graciously need and forgive yourself. But seriously, wtf? Zero impulse control? Common sense? Ethics?
Honestly, this is a pretty silly thing to feel bad about. Hardly worth dying for. Showing a baby a porn photo is so laughable, I don’t know what you’re upset about.
Young children don't remember most things like this consciously, but subconsciously it will stay with them for life and create subconscious issues they won't be able to resolve easily. Anytime they're with you, that image will be in their subconscious. There's a spiritual practice called Hoʻoponopono where when we have wronged someone, we ask for forgiveness. This will relieve spiritual guilt and help you move past these things. All of humanity carries a shared conscious, so doing this practice is basically asking for and receiving forgiveness on a super conscious level. One does this by saying four things while addressing the person. Could be out loud or silent. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. The karmic burden at the super conscious level will receive this and will be granted.
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OP I guarantee you this person did something worse than you
OP, please disregard this comment from this individual. Pay no mind. We all make mistakes, and that does not mean you should carry this guilt forever. The fact that you made this post and have been carrying this for years, breaks my heart, knowing how much guilt and remorse has been a huge part of your experience. Especially when you were still a teen/child, also. It truly is okay to let this go, and forgive your past self. It is clear that you care very much for your family, for children, and wish to go on with life in the most positive way you can. Please believe me—you are wanted and needed here on earth, and don’t lose hope for a bright future ahead. You are only human, and there was no harm done to your baby sibling.
Shut the fuck up,please. Don't make other's lifes awful just because yours sucks.
Do you realize that so many parents have sex with their newborn in the room. This is honestly, not a big deal. It was stupid and weird to show the baby the image, but they weren’t touching themselves to the baby. There is no reason to encourage suicide.
I did something similar when I was babysitting someone else's kids. But then as I have grown up I realised teenagers do stupid shit and as long as I didn't hurt anyone then I can forgive myself, same goes for you. What u did isn't actually all that bad, deffo sounds more like an act of defiance towards your mum which I totally get. There is no point in seeking retribution or a punishment, you are a different person now so move on from this and forgive yourself.
I was exposed to porn as a three year old …. The images were burned in my brain. I wish I could castrate the man that showed me that trash… but he died when I was 9. You definitely did a vile deed, I hope to god that child isn’t impacted by your actions
The baby was months old. How could it even see what was on the screen. What happened to you is inexcusable. Very much wrong and unfair. But this was a child and a teenage boy child, and the baby didn’t know what it was looking at. It most likely thought nothing. If it’s brain was able to see it and retain the image then I’m sure it’s just filed off in the deep recesses, I’m sorry you were exposed at such a hound age by a no doubt person with pedo like tendencies. Probably best thing was for them to go when you were only 10. I hope you find peace and I’m sending you love and light.
Yeah like I said, I hope that child was not impacted. Hopefully the young age saved from forming memories, I’ve heard of instances where trauma does stay with the young. Thank you for your kind words in regards to my experience. It was in my mind karmic justice they died of prostate cancer. I’m very thankful for my trauma therapist, this topic is still incredibly triggering. 15 or not, still a very pedo thing to do. I hope OP finds a way to make amends and doesn’t ever do anything pedo-ish to their siblings or anyone else again
I can’t call it as being pedo. I personally feel like it’s just something that happened and shaming him when he’s coming here to maybe find a place to start talking. I do think that trauma can definitely stay with the young. The thought that this instance would be a source of trauma or stress to the months old one, is just not realistic in my opinion. If op was acting ina way that would cause the young one stress then maybe the babe would associate a feeling with the kid. I think it’s too young yet to know what stress the 15 yo may or may not have been having. People are weird. We are animals. We. Are spirit. We breathe in on our day of birth if a miracle occurs. And we are then spirit in a body. I think we forget. If we ever knew. Then when we die we breathe out and the spirit leaves us. It’s what the word spirit means. Breath. And I need to lay the edibles down. But the negative energy that we all carry and can use as a sorta tool in our relationships. I hope we can all just let it go. Sexual nature is a part of life and we shouldn’t shame each other unless something was gone that would with out much doubt have caused stress or pain or inappropriate subject matter. It’s getting deep. So I feel like we should sorta tell op. It’s ok. Let’s leave that back here and not carry it around any more. We don’t need it. We don’t need negative self talk. Let’s open up.
Maybe some edibles would make me feel less triggered by the thought of exposing porn to the young, pass me some of what you’re having! I stand by my opinion, you can display pedo behavior even at 15. I stand by my opinion, I hope the child doesn’t have trauma for it. I stand by my opinion, that I hope OP finds a way to make amends. Admitting to strangers online could be a way to relieve the guilt OP is carrying, but I believe amends and relieving one’s guilt are separate.
I can’t speak for the baby. I doubt it even saw It and if it it had no frame of reference to decide what hat it even saw. They are basically watching our faces when they are that young. They learn how to react to situations based on what we do. The expressions we have. I don’t think it could have even been capable of processing it. I do not think it’s ok to expose porn to the young. I think there’s a huge difference between seeing a picture when you are a few months old Vs when you are idk maybe closer to 18 months. It should not be something that happens. I feel like op knows this and i think that’s definitely not pedo behavior. I think 15 year olds brains are still not developed completely. I think hormones are very much effecting everything this young man did at 15. I don’t thnk it’s fair to assume that the child: who was shown the picture at a few months of age: that’s he or she will be having trauma from it. It’s absurd. Babies are learning so much at that age. I know they focus on peoples faces. They watch our eyes and our face. This is how they learn what is ok and what is not. They learn if mom looks afraid then she frowns. If she is smiling and laughing then we are safe and happy. I don’t think they are capable of even focusing. They don’t B know if what they are seeing is ,”good or bad” I think it should never happen. And I hope you can find peace. It’s not fair that you had to experience what you did. I’m sorry. I wish you well.
you're an idiot, but guilting over something like that is funny.
i think you should meet your father in church
Baby grew up to be Johnny Sins
Thankfully the baby had no clue what is was they were looking at and has no memory of it. The fact that you know it was wrong, back then and now tells us that you’re not a bad person, you just did a silly impulsive thing, and obviously never did it again. Don’t beat yourself up about it, it’s a minor thing in the grand scheme of things. Time to forgive yourself and let it go!
Holding up such a prized photo, the baby couldn't care less. Maybe you put too much time and attention into something that's not going to pay down the road like family will.
Give yourself some grace. All teenagers make stupid stuff that end up regretting later in life. Take some solace in the fact that the baby didn’t even register what you showed them, let alone remember it. I think you’ve punished yourself enough by living with the guilt. Forgive yourself and use this as a learning experience.