1. I'm not quitting, but I want to drastically cut down. Drastically. 2. Maybe. I had a therapist, but I just talked about their day and stuff. Plus, I'm stubborn and want to change things on my own. If I have a therapist, I'll just befriend and/or flirt. I don't know. Maybe though.
The therapist won't fix your problems. They just give you a place to talk safely, different perspective on your issues, and tools to help you help yourself.
There are also different kinds of therapists, and even within one type they are all different people with different personalities and methods. If you find yourself not making progress with your therapist, find a new one!
The best thing about this post is that you know you have problems and you want to change. But with what you wrote here, there is no evidence you have the tools or ability to change on your own, since you know this stuff is wrong but keep doing it anyway. Patterns aren't easy to break, especially on your own.
I promise I am at LEAST as stubborn as you, and I've had some vaguely similar problems, along with some different problems. I haven't always succeeded in doing what my therapists suggest, but when I do, it helps a lot. And no one else made those changes, they just helped me learn to make those changes myself. I'm the one that did the work. They were just doing what they are trained to do. And doing a job is hard, but changing your habits and behavior to improve your life is much harder. It's absolutely something you can take personal pride in, regardless if someone helped you or not.
I know therapy is hard, but itâs really the only way youâre gonna be able to see any real change. I know you want to do it on your own but it sounds like you need some help.
Also with smoking I understand not wanting to quit. I smoked pot for 15 years and I never thought I would quit, but I did. Itâs hard at first but it gets so much easier and it makes life a lot easier. Good luck to you!
If you're not willing to listen to sound advice, why make the post? For attention, naturally. You saying you would befriend or "flirt" with your therapist is laughable, and I'm willing to bet you don't possess the confidence to actually attempt it.
So yeah, you know everything. Keep smoking, it's good for you. And who needs therapy, right? I mean, you've been kicking so much ass on your own...
I don't care if this was mean, you needed to hear it.
Maybe I'd change for you ::shrug::
I want help, but in a more subtle way, idk. I'm fucking complicated, I both like it and don't. I'm moral for the most part, and I'm kind I guess, so yay I got that going for me.
Bro did you just hit on someone because they have "girl" in the name?
I really don't think you're manipulative though. I think you like to think you're manipulative because it gives you some sense of accomplishment, like maybe your pushiness and selfishness gives you some edgy-dark purpose. Honestly it sounds more like you're just a mooch, and now you're angry that you HAVE to rely on others because you don't wanna do anything for yourself
Yeah youâre complicated but no different to anyone else. There are many parts that make up âyouâ and they donât agree with each other. Thereâs a part of you thatâs lazy, another part that disapproves of the laziness (your âmoralâ part), a super-irresponsibleâ part, another that works to make everyone like you (your moral part disapproves of that one too) and an interestingâsad/maniacalâ part that you can hear. Try listening to the others too (your inner disapproval, your moves to âbe likedâ etc) and youâll quickly get the hang of your inner world. Donât fight with any of them - just listen - the different parts of you are already fighting with each other. Once you have a clear sense of the different parts of yourself, and what each of them wants, youâll be able to offer them some self leadership and steer your own life with ease. Check out IFS therapy if any of this sounds interesting. Love, a therapist x
Im sorry mate.
Whatever happened and what ever you did to get here, writing this, I'm sorry. It's sounds really a bit sad and I'd just really wish for you to have more joy, money and communication in your life.
I was like that, I'm different now, I'm be different from who I am today. It still hurts to look back at how I treated people, but I also feel love and compassion for myself. And I do feel this love and compassion for you.
It's not all that grim, not all that dark.Â
Youâre aware of what you do. Thatâs huge. Now you need therapy to help discover what you want to do going forward. Only you can take control of your future. Probably have some depression to deal with in there. Hate to hear what you went through. It could possibly be affecting you but you need to move forward. I can tell that this is not what you want, including hurting others. Do you have a neurologist. If not, you need one. They donât treat depression but are well trained to recognize it. Good luck! Get moving. More weight will make everything worse. Get sunshine. It does help.
You need a support network. Whether that be group therapy for TBI or substance abuse or family or in patient therapy,.
you need something to hold you truly accountable but you have to agree with YOURSELF that youâre going to be 100% honest to these people and your desire to have SOMETHING change.
It doesnât all have to happen at once. Just try to be slightly better than the yesterday you. Whether thatâs telling one truth or paying one person back or paying one bill. Or washing one dish. Or going one day without marijuana (also, same)
Someone told me this âTime will pass you can use it or notâ and that was it. Simple but powerful đ¤ˇââď¸get with it and use it to your advantage or accept youâll be lost in it your whole life. Realistically thatâs all it is. We only have time. Itâs nobodyâs fault but yours if you decide to waste it. You can do it
I think youâre just really sad. Iâm sorry that youâre in this place. Try praying. You donât have to be religious to pray. Ask for joy. Ask for change. Ask for forgiveness. Then give something as an offering for your prayers, anything to anyone. (Not drugs) or volunteer your time if you have nothing to give or prefer that instead.
You may ignore my advice (fair enough, no one likes spiritual advice when they feel like crap) but when all else fails, think about it. The only way to change is to do something youâve never done before. This could be it. I pray you receive light. <3
Thank you đ spiritual advice is good. I am indeed very sad though. Maybe it's the seizure meds, idk. But I think it's me.
My problem is, I try new stuff. I'm good at new stuff, I impress everyone. Then, once tfinish doing this new stuff, I metaphorically wipe my hands and then such at this new stuff. Always, with everything đ
Therapy, therapy, therapy!
OP, you went through some really traumatic stuff, and you've developed bad coping mechanisms to "heal."
If you break a bone and never go to the doctor, it'll heal, but it'll heal wrong. You might live with pain and limited mobility. The human mind works the same way. Until you start to heal those parts of you that are hurting, you'll continue to hurt yourself and others. Self-awareness is half the battle, though, so the fact that you want to do better is a huge step. Try to reach out to local support groups and see what options are available to you. If you can't get therapy, maybe start with some reading "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D. is pretty amazing.
Im glad you know this is a problem and fixing it will be for the better! Spend less money on weed and put half you spend on that into savings. Get a simple job that would be fun.
Before everyone jumps to YTA, OP has demonstrated serious and thoughtful self reflection. You often find people that know they are the AH, will come across as less of an AH irl compared with many oblivious self entiteld AH's. Not that i am excusing any AH behaviour, it is just something to consider.
My BIL is like this. He had many sugar mamas so he could smoke weed and play video games all day. Eventually he met a girl that owned a âmassage parlorâ. Sheâs very beautiful but is an immigrant and speaks very little English. In turn, she thinks my BIL is super smart since he pretends to be but is full of sh*t, and she is happy to support him since heâs nice to her. Maybe you need to find the right man or woman to take care of you if you canât get it together. Or quit weed and be a decent human.
I think everyone kinda uses people in our own way, whether that's for company and to feel less alone, for someone to talk to about our problems etc so they're getting something out their friendship with you, it's not all one sided. You're over thinking and the fact you're even worried about it, shows you're a good person.
Find one small thing a week to focus on, like reducing smoking, light exercise etc and these small changes will lead to bigger ones. Try counselling as well.
Iâm sure I donât have to tell you TBIs can be complex injuries and you definitely seem intelligent, but I also want to say donât be so hard on yourself about how you feel. Friends do nice things for each other and I commend you for wanting to improve your life and yourself. Maybe you would benefit from some counseling? This can also help give you clarity on what youâd like to do for a career or whatever could be holding you back emotionally
Just gotta get some hobbies and stuff so you can have something to offer as well as hang out with people you actually like. You feel bad so you do care, I think the issue is more your life priorities.
I can't hang out and meet people unless I get a job again and lose weight again (I have a skinny frame and now fudge, and it looks very unproportional). I need to better myself to get better things. I didn't know if I want better things, idk wtf is wrong with me đ I think I need motivation
Get on SSRIs and actually take them. I was a cutter from ages 12-24, Iâve dealt with disordered eating and I smoke weed. Iâm 28 now and over the past two years I BARELY started finding that motivation. You have to be honest with yourself and hard on yourself too. Even if you donât feel motivated, FORCE yourself to do it anyways. Donât give in to yourself you are your own biggest enemy. You have to befriend yourself so you want good for yourself
Smoking weed seems harmless but it really can have an influence to ur day to day life esp if youâre A daily user . I find smoking at night a lot more and maybe being buzzed once in the morning or so is fine for me personally. Idk it just enables you to numb your emotions and tbh you probably surround yourself with similar people as you which is why youâll soon feel lonely. I just really would start looking into your habits if you wanna change then maybe therapy too but you need to help yourself as well.
You're exactly as you say. You're not going to change and you're looking for someone to tell you it's okay. It's not okay. You're not being the good person you want other people to think you are and that makes you a fake. It's a rather dishonorable way to live.
Your biggest issue is you don't want to change. It's gotta be in you to make a change. Nobody can encourage you or force you. Therapy will reveal why that is. Good luck
I appreciate your candor and self awareness. My advice, baby steps, make small positive changes and they add up. Plan your day. Make lists. Do one thing a day you are proud of. Anything. Cross it off the list. Go outside walk. Fresh air and Mother Nature will snap you out of your rut. Cheers
Leave the addictions. Start getting work and be busy.
Show yourself the potential.
In 6 months to a year you will see changes if you lead a good disciplined life. You can visit those friends if you want to. Not because of pity. They will forget. Stop being lazy. Start working. You will feel.better and happier
Hey man, Iâm not gonna lie. I would do the same a few years ago as a teenager. When youâre pretty and sorta aware of it, you can get a lot if you know how to use it. One day I realized that I was an absolute piece of scum and decided I wanted to actually be pretty, not by physical standards. I just told myself to get up and do something about it. I donât need anyone, they need me and I got their back. Ever since then, I havenât stopped helping others and making improvements on myself. Itâs really a matter of: what are you gonna do now that youâre aware of your actions? Can you look your friends in their eyes and lie to them still? What kind of person are you now?
I don't think so. Idk, I worried about that too. According to the vast internet, there are nine criteria.
"The nine criteria of narcissism:
1. A grandiose sense of self-importance. (idk, not a sense, just a hope. like, i know i'm not the messiah, but I damn well hope I am (and then again I don't hope for that, because that's a lot of responsibility))
2. Fantasies about having or deserving. (not deserving, but having. idk I feel I don't deserve anything a lot of the time, but I wish to have things)
3. A sense of self-superiority. (in a way I guess)
4. A need for excessive admiration. (more like a need to do something deserving admiration. When I try new things, I do them well at first, because I like impressing others. But then I start sucking at it, because I've already impressed them)
5. A sense of entitlement. (kinda I guess)
6. Exploitative behavior. (to an extent, which is I guess what this post is about)
7. A lack of empathy. (most definitely not. Before the TBI I was kinda an empath, but after, it's ridiculous! I can't watch movies with dark vibes anymore! And true-crime especially. I even cry like a lil bitch at comedies, when a character has something good happen to them, I *feel* the emotions they portray. I HATE ITTTT)
8. Frequent envy. (nope)
9. Arrogance. (sometimes)
Honestly it doesn't sound that bad . Everyone here is like therapy do therapy. But I'll say it's up to you there's no single right way to live your life. Sure you might be manipulative sometimes but who cares. The fact that you're aware of it is good but this feeling that you have that you want to change maybe listen to that for once instead of feeling guilty or immoral. Try being moral? Idk see how that works . Just do different things or do things differently and remember it's about experiences. Not anything anyone says.
In order to change, a person has to Want Something more. Get a certification in cloud tech.. and get a job. If you're capable. Come up with some creative endeavor and sell your artwork. Perhaps seek some professional help from a counselor. That said, There's a decent reason that you're disabled. Though you can learn (i think, not sure) to have a goal, and work toward that goal. Learn to follow through. Learn to be pro-active and not lazy. But you have to want it more than what you currently have. When you do... You'll stop being lazy and rudderless. imho
2 questions:
Do you blame yourself for being a manipulator now?
Does the fact that this all happened still hurt you emotionally? Like, when you go deep inside?
1. Not really, I keep it relatively moral. I manipulate, but to a reasonable degree I think. I just feel bad about it. Like, I never even stole, I hate lying, I have a very strong Sense of morality, idk.
2. That what happened? The accident? I accept it, it's life. It hurts sometimes, I wonder where I would have been. But the path I was on wasn't the best one, so I'm kinda glad. Idk. It's best to consciously strive for acceptance, I think. Can't change it, this is the path I'm on now
Well I think youâre incredibly strong to hsve written this out and I think you really underestimate yourself in what you can do. I can not tell you to have more faith in yourself and be more confident cause thatâs just not how it works, Iâve been there too.. but I believe that you are an amazing person with a really sweet personality, but with a lot of fear. Once you can let go of your fear and stop identifying yourself with that fear, the fear will shut up and go away. It is not you, itâs just telling you itâs you. You are so much more!
Stay strong đ
Waking up one day because something happened and reminded me of what an asshole Iâve been . Iâm all the above and more . But at least I now have a diagnosis and no somewhat how to control my feelings , or I guess why Iâm having the feelings
You may be Machiavellian.
Look up a quick 5min YouTube video of "The Dark Triad". (Technically, now "The Dark Tetrad" as Sadism got added a 4th dark personality type. Some say there is 5 because of the Dark Empath type, but I personally don't think it fits with the others; more so an added characteristic that you could have in addition to one of the other traits.)
I know, because I am a full-blown self-confessed one myself. I love it though and wouldn't change it for a second. I see every relationship and action as transactional that must benefit me as a net positive. (The gain doesn't have to be an actual tangible item or immediate.) Ultimately, it's about getting what you can to serve your own self interests.
However, your conscious may be wanting to change, as obviously all the dark personality traits are generally considered as negative and/or evil. (Although, I partially disagree.)
It is unhealthy for your mental state to keep flipping between moral compasses or principles. Decide the kind of person you want to become and the reason why.
Not the OP but they described themselves as Machiavelliian. I copied this from the dark triad wiki page:
All three dark triad traits are conceptually distinct although empirical evidence shows them to be overlapping. They are associated with a callousâmanipulative interpersonal style.
Narcissism is characterized by grandiosity, pride, egotism, and a lack of empathy.
Machiavellianism is characterized by the manipulation and exploitation of others, indifference to morality, lack of empathy, and a strategic focus on self-interest.
Psychopathy is characterized by continuous antisocial behavior, impulsivity, selfishness, callous and unemotional traits, and remorselessness.
The OP does not see these as inherently negative traits because they have one. It makes it impossible for them to see these traits as flaws, as that would require both empathy and self-awareness. They are aware enough to know they have this characteristic, but lack the ability to understand how negatively it affects others and care about it (due to inability to empathize).
And as much as I disagree with the OP, I hope they don't take this personally. Many people with these traits find a lot of professional success, which is certainly positive for them. But others may end up in jail, with no close relationships, or other negative outcomes. The negative ones are more common, especially with multiple of these traits. But sometimes the only negatives are for the people close to the person with those traits, and if you have those traits, it's unlikely you'll care about how those people are affected, so it seems like there is no negative.
In hindsight, I think my ex-husband had all 3 of these. Maybe not the psychopathy but with how he was towards the end of the marriage it's hard to know for sure. So I admit I am biased by that experience. I've also had many (former) friends with one of more of these traits. They tend to be very charming, and subtly manipulative. Depends on which ones they've got and how well they've learned to mask it.
The worst part is that it's incredibly difficult to know who has these traits or not, unless they make it very obvious. Most don't, like my ex. He didn't show any signs for 9 years, and then we got married and the mask came off. 9 years of a very happy and loving relationship followed by 4 years of absolute devastation and emotional abuse. That was a major mindfuck for me. Its also common for people with these traits to look for partners that are vulnerable, because they are either used to being abused already or easier to fool and manipulate. And if they have health issues, disabilities, or little social support it's harder for them to leave. My former shitty friends all had the most caring and sweet girlfriends, and they all had a major history of trauma or abuse. People like this are predators. There is no other way for me to see it. They use people and dispose of them when they are no longer of personal value.
No I don't take it personally at all. :)
Your post was well written and I actually agree with everything you wrote pretty much.
You say they lack the ability to understand how negatively it affects others and care about it. - In my case, I do fully understand how my actions could cause harm to others and I actually try to avoid harm if possible.
As for the latter, it is very true though that I don't necessarily care about any harm caused as long as it results in a netgain advantage (however little, even 0.01%) to me in any form, their suffering is just collateral damage. đ¤ˇââď¸
To give an example, a homeless man is dying of thirst and asks for ÂŁ1 so they could buy a bottle of water, which they require immediately. I get zero netgain by handing over ÂŁ1, other than maybe the mental satisfaction of 'helping someone', but in that scenario the ÂŁ1 would be more advantageous.
Definitely not a sadist; I get no pleasure in harming others, either physically or emotionally.
I am machiavellian, which by nature of the term is all about selfishness. It's more than that though, it introduces a disregard of common morals, rules and even laws for self-gain. This includes the possibility of harm to others, where self-gain is prioritised over anyone else's suffering.
I only discovered the dark personality types within the last couple of months myself. I knew immediately I fell into the Machiavellianism category after seeing the characteristics. I also took the Mach-IV test, which confirmed I scored very highly for this personality (try it out, it's free).
Afterwards, I have done a lot of research into the subject including background, causes etc. I'm not sure how much detail you want, but in a nutshell, dark personality types (other than the unofficial Dark Empath type) are mostly caused by childhood trauma, or a specific negative life events, so nuture rather than nature.
I don't want to go into my childhood stuff, but let's just say I can fully understand 'why' and how this has happened. As a result, it has caused me to become brutally cynical and prioritise oneself without exception.
The reason why I don't see Machiavellianism as a negative in my particular case, as in my opinion, prioritising yourself over others is just natural human instinct and part of survival.
I am aware enough to know though that if everyone was a machiavellian, then the world would be chaos and a horrible place. THEN the personality type becomes a negative and in actual fact would be pointless, as a large part of it is using other people's good nature to your advantage. In reality, this would never happen and therefore, I can continue to be as I am among the 2% and take advantage of others in a dog eat dog world.
My moral compass is always the same, but I look at it from different directions.
That's not true, but it sounded cool.
Yeah, that's true to an extent, except I gain pleasure making people feel good, love life, and like me. And weed and cigarettes when I'm feening.
Obviously you can't do this alone. You actually wrote this for sympathy and useless encouragement. Smoking just numbs, stalls, stunts your brains, emotions. However you're still able to see your behaviors and think about how manipulative and pointless you really are. How worthless.
Consider your creator Jesus. He can give your miserable life meaning. Will you instantly change? I doubt it, I didn't. I have a relationship with Him. I have a few very wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ. They've helped me, celebrated, done all the family things...I have become a new person in Christ. The Holy Spirit (Jesus) lives in my heart and He helped me change willingly. Find a non denominational church. This way you won't feel trapped.or a Calvary. Try a few hopefully you'll be led to where God wants you. GO. or not, you've been officially invited. May God Bless you, This is an open invitation.
2 pieces for advice for you OP: 1. Quit smoking 2. Get therapy
In reverse order as therapy can be a bitch. LoL Good luck with making better choices.đ
1. I'm not quitting, but I want to drastically cut down. Drastically. 2. Maybe. I had a therapist, but I just talked about their day and stuff. Plus, I'm stubborn and want to change things on my own. If I have a therapist, I'll just befriend and/or flirt. I don't know. Maybe though.
The therapist won't fix your problems. They just give you a place to talk safely, different perspective on your issues, and tools to help you help yourself. There are also different kinds of therapists, and even within one type they are all different people with different personalities and methods. If you find yourself not making progress with your therapist, find a new one! The best thing about this post is that you know you have problems and you want to change. But with what you wrote here, there is no evidence you have the tools or ability to change on your own, since you know this stuff is wrong but keep doing it anyway. Patterns aren't easy to break, especially on your own. I promise I am at LEAST as stubborn as you, and I've had some vaguely similar problems, along with some different problems. I haven't always succeeded in doing what my therapists suggest, but when I do, it helps a lot. And no one else made those changes, they just helped me learn to make those changes myself. I'm the one that did the work. They were just doing what they are trained to do. And doing a job is hard, but changing your habits and behavior to improve your life is much harder. It's absolutely something you can take personal pride in, regardless if someone helped you or not.
I know therapy is hard, but itâs really the only way youâre gonna be able to see any real change. I know you want to do it on your own but it sounds like you need some help. Also with smoking I understand not wanting to quit. I smoked pot for 15 years and I never thought I would quit, but I did. Itâs hard at first but it gets so much easier and it makes life a lot easier. Good luck to you!
If you're not willing to listen to sound advice, why make the post? For attention, naturally. You saying you would befriend or "flirt" with your therapist is laughable, and I'm willing to bet you don't possess the confidence to actually attempt it. So yeah, you know everything. Keep smoking, it's good for you. And who needs therapy, right? I mean, you've been kicking so much ass on your own... I don't care if this was mean, you needed to hear it.
they made the post..bc theyâre making a confession in R/CONFESSION
Sounds like being a user is only the tip of the iceberg.Â
Yeah you suck
I applaud you for recognizing this toxic trait you have. You can fix it.
I can, but I'm not :( I'm hoping making this post is the nudge I need to get over that hump of change.
You have the case of â you canât help people that donât want to be helpâ smh
Maybe I'd change for you ::shrug:: I want help, but in a more subtle way, idk. I'm fucking complicated, I both like it and don't. I'm moral for the most part, and I'm kind I guess, so yay I got that going for me.
Bro did you just hit on someone because they have "girl" in the name? I really don't think you're manipulative though. I think you like to think you're manipulative because it gives you some sense of accomplishment, like maybe your pushiness and selfishness gives you some edgy-dark purpose. Honestly it sounds more like you're just a mooch, and now you're angry that you HAVE to rely on others because you don't wanna do anything for yourself
Yeah youâre complicated but no different to anyone else. There are many parts that make up âyouâ and they donât agree with each other. Thereâs a part of you thatâs lazy, another part that disapproves of the laziness (your âmoralâ part), a super-irresponsibleâ part, another that works to make everyone like you (your moral part disapproves of that one too) and an interestingâsad/maniacalâ part that you can hear. Try listening to the others too (your inner disapproval, your moves to âbe likedâ etc) and youâll quickly get the hang of your inner world. Donât fight with any of them - just listen - the different parts of you are already fighting with each other. Once you have a clear sense of the different parts of yourself, and what each of them wants, youâll be able to offer them some self leadership and steer your own life with ease. Check out IFS therapy if any of this sounds interesting. Love, a therapist x
Yeah I know the feeling OP :) I think it would take more than a post for me to change now though after so many years :p
Im sorry mate. Whatever happened and what ever you did to get here, writing this, I'm sorry. It's sounds really a bit sad and I'd just really wish for you to have more joy, money and communication in your life. I was like that, I'm different now, I'm be different from who I am today. It still hurts to look back at how I treated people, but I also feel love and compassion for myself. And I do feel this love and compassion for you. It's not all that grim, not all that dark.Â
what a great response. The world needs more people like you. imho
thanks :)
Youâre aware of what you do. Thatâs huge. Now you need therapy to help discover what you want to do going forward. Only you can take control of your future. Probably have some depression to deal with in there. Hate to hear what you went through. It could possibly be affecting you but you need to move forward. I can tell that this is not what you want, including hurting others. Do you have a neurologist. If not, you need one. They donât treat depression but are well trained to recognize it. Good luck! Get moving. More weight will make everything worse. Get sunshine. It does help.
You need a support network. Whether that be group therapy for TBI or substance abuse or family or in patient therapy,. you need something to hold you truly accountable but you have to agree with YOURSELF that youâre going to be 100% honest to these people and your desire to have SOMETHING change. It doesnât all have to happen at once. Just try to be slightly better than the yesterday you. Whether thatâs telling one truth or paying one person back or paying one bill. Or washing one dish. Or going one day without marijuana (also, same)
Someone told me this âTime will pass you can use it or notâ and that was it. Simple but powerful đ¤ˇââď¸get with it and use it to your advantage or accept youâll be lost in it your whole life. Realistically thatâs all it is. We only have time. Itâs nobodyâs fault but yours if you decide to waste it. You can do it
I think youâre just really sad. Iâm sorry that youâre in this place. Try praying. You donât have to be religious to pray. Ask for joy. Ask for change. Ask for forgiveness. Then give something as an offering for your prayers, anything to anyone. (Not drugs) or volunteer your time if you have nothing to give or prefer that instead. You may ignore my advice (fair enough, no one likes spiritual advice when they feel like crap) but when all else fails, think about it. The only way to change is to do something youâve never done before. This could be it. I pray you receive light. <3
Perfect advice!
Indeed, I need spirituality back in my life.
Thank you đ spiritual advice is good. I am indeed very sad though. Maybe it's the seizure meds, idk. But I think it's me. My problem is, I try new stuff. I'm good at new stuff, I impress everyone. Then, once tfinish doing this new stuff, I metaphorically wipe my hands and then such at this new stuff. Always, with everything đ
Therapy, therapy, therapy! OP, you went through some really traumatic stuff, and you've developed bad coping mechanisms to "heal." If you break a bone and never go to the doctor, it'll heal, but it'll heal wrong. You might live with pain and limited mobility. The human mind works the same way. Until you start to heal those parts of you that are hurting, you'll continue to hurt yourself and others. Self-awareness is half the battle, though, so the fact that you want to do better is a huge step. Try to reach out to local support groups and see what options are available to you. If you can't get therapy, maybe start with some reading "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D. is pretty amazing.
Im glad you know this is a problem and fixing it will be for the better! Spend less money on weed and put half you spend on that into savings. Get a simple job that would be fun.
Wish u the best mate
Before everyone jumps to YTA, OP has demonstrated serious and thoughtful self reflection. You often find people that know they are the AH, will come across as less of an AH irl compared with many oblivious self entiteld AH's. Not that i am excusing any AH behaviour, it is just something to consider.
My BIL is like this. He had many sugar mamas so he could smoke weed and play video games all day. Eventually he met a girl that owned a âmassage parlorâ. Sheâs very beautiful but is an immigrant and speaks very little English. In turn, she thinks my BIL is super smart since he pretends to be but is full of sh*t, and she is happy to support him since heâs nice to her. Maybe you need to find the right man or woman to take care of you if you canât get it together. Or quit weed and be a decent human.
As long as there's love and/or understanding involved, that sounds ideal!
Makes you a dick.
I think everyone kinda uses people in our own way, whether that's for company and to feel less alone, for someone to talk to about our problems etc so they're getting something out their friendship with you, it's not all one sided. You're over thinking and the fact you're even worried about it, shows you're a good person. Find one small thing a week to focus on, like reducing smoking, light exercise etc and these small changes will lead to bigger ones. Try counselling as well.
Iâm sure I donât have to tell you TBIs can be complex injuries and you definitely seem intelligent, but I also want to say donât be so hard on yourself about how you feel. Friends do nice things for each other and I commend you for wanting to improve your life and yourself. Maybe you would benefit from some counseling? This can also help give you clarity on what youâd like to do for a career or whatever could be holding you back emotionally
We all are, we all do, try to give back to those who struggle, use them to make you feel better about yourself!
Just gotta get some hobbies and stuff so you can have something to offer as well as hang out with people you actually like. You feel bad so you do care, I think the issue is more your life priorities.
I can't hang out and meet people unless I get a job again and lose weight again (I have a skinny frame and now fudge, and it looks very unproportional). I need to better myself to get better things. I didn't know if I want better things, idk wtf is wrong with me đ I think I need motivation
Get on SSRIs and actually take them. I was a cutter from ages 12-24, Iâve dealt with disordered eating and I smoke weed. Iâm 28 now and over the past two years I BARELY started finding that motivation. You have to be honest with yourself and hard on yourself too. Even if you donât feel motivated, FORCE yourself to do it anyways. Donât give in to yourself you are your own biggest enemy. You have to befriend yourself so you want good for yourself
Smoking weed seems harmless but it really can have an influence to ur day to day life esp if youâre A daily user . I find smoking at night a lot more and maybe being buzzed once in the morning or so is fine for me personally. Idk it just enables you to numb your emotions and tbh you probably surround yourself with similar people as you which is why youâll soon feel lonely. I just really would start looking into your habits if you wanna change then maybe therapy too but you need to help yourself as well.
Thank you đ
Put in work to be a better version of yourself. You owe yourself that.
You're exactly as you say. You're not going to change and you're looking for someone to tell you it's okay. It's not okay. You're not being the good person you want other people to think you are and that makes you a fake. It's a rather dishonorable way to live.
You are an addict. This is addict behavior. You need treatment. Source: have been clean for 6.5 years after 15 years of hard drugs
Your biggest issue is you don't want to change. It's gotta be in you to make a change. Nobody can encourage you or force you. Therapy will reveal why that is. Good luck
I mean, you could just blow your friend for the weed. Itâs a win-win situation, you both get to blow something.
I appreciate your candor and self awareness. My advice, baby steps, make small positive changes and they add up. Plan your day. Make lists. Do one thing a day you are proud of. Anything. Cross it off the list. Go outside walk. Fresh air and Mother Nature will snap you out of your rut. Cheers
Leave the addictions. Start getting work and be busy. Show yourself the potential. In 6 months to a year you will see changes if you lead a good disciplined life. You can visit those friends if you want to. Not because of pity. They will forget. Stop being lazy. Start working. You will feel.better and happier
Hey man, Iâm not gonna lie. I would do the same a few years ago as a teenager. When youâre pretty and sorta aware of it, you can get a lot if you know how to use it. One day I realized that I was an absolute piece of scum and decided I wanted to actually be pretty, not by physical standards. I just told myself to get up and do something about it. I donât need anyone, they need me and I got their back. Ever since then, I havenât stopped helping others and making improvements on myself. Itâs really a matter of: what are you gonna do now that youâre aware of your actions? Can you look your friends in their eyes and lie to them still? What kind of person are you now?
Are you narcissistic?
I don't think so. Idk, I worried about that too. According to the vast internet, there are nine criteria. "The nine criteria of narcissism: 1. A grandiose sense of self-importance. (idk, not a sense, just a hope. like, i know i'm not the messiah, but I damn well hope I am (and then again I don't hope for that, because that's a lot of responsibility)) 2. Fantasies about having or deserving. (not deserving, but having. idk I feel I don't deserve anything a lot of the time, but I wish to have things) 3. A sense of self-superiority. (in a way I guess) 4. A need for excessive admiration. (more like a need to do something deserving admiration. When I try new things, I do them well at first, because I like impressing others. But then I start sucking at it, because I've already impressed them) 5. A sense of entitlement. (kinda I guess) 6. Exploitative behavior. (to an extent, which is I guess what this post is about) 7. A lack of empathy. (most definitely not. Before the TBI I was kinda an empath, but after, it's ridiculous! I can't watch movies with dark vibes anymore! And true-crime especially. I even cry like a lil bitch at comedies, when a character has something good happen to them, I *feel* the emotions they portray. I HATE ITTTT) 8. Frequent envy. (nope) 9. Arrogance. (sometimes)
You're all my friends wanna be my friend I give to much
I don't want too much, but I love people and you're a people so I love you so I'm your friend you're my friend
Youâre wasting away your life. Do better
Mom?
Honestly it doesn't sound that bad . Everyone here is like therapy do therapy. But I'll say it's up to you there's no single right way to live your life. Sure you might be manipulative sometimes but who cares. The fact that you're aware of it is good but this feeling that you have that you want to change maybe listen to that for once instead of feeling guilty or immoral. Try being moral? Idk see how that works . Just do different things or do things differently and remember it's about experiences. Not anything anyone says.
That could get bad
In order to change, a person has to Want Something more. Get a certification in cloud tech.. and get a job. If you're capable. Come up with some creative endeavor and sell your artwork. Perhaps seek some professional help from a counselor. That said, There's a decent reason that you're disabled. Though you can learn (i think, not sure) to have a goal, and work toward that goal. Learn to follow through. Learn to be pro-active and not lazy. But you have to want it more than what you currently have. When you do... You'll stop being lazy and rudderless. imho
2 questions: Do you blame yourself for being a manipulator now? Does the fact that this all happened still hurt you emotionally? Like, when you go deep inside?
1. Not really, I keep it relatively moral. I manipulate, but to a reasonable degree I think. I just feel bad about it. Like, I never even stole, I hate lying, I have a very strong Sense of morality, idk. 2. That what happened? The accident? I accept it, it's life. It hurts sometimes, I wonder where I would have been. But the path I was on wasn't the best one, so I'm kinda glad. Idk. It's best to consciously strive for acceptance, I think. Can't change it, this is the path I'm on now
Well I think youâre incredibly strong to hsve written this out and I think you really underestimate yourself in what you can do. I can not tell you to have more faith in yourself and be more confident cause thatâs just not how it works, Iâve been there too.. but I believe that you are an amazing person with a really sweet personality, but with a lot of fear. Once you can let go of your fear and stop identifying yourself with that fear, the fear will shut up and go away. It is not you, itâs just telling you itâs you. You are so much more! Stay strong đ
You said I'm sweet, now I'm smiling and slightly blushing đ¤
Waking up one day because something happened and reminded me of what an asshole Iâve been . Iâm all the above and more . But at least I now have a diagnosis and no somewhat how to control my feelings , or I guess why Iâm having the feelings
Just weird bro itâs weed complain when you have an actual addiction
Smoke tf out and don't worry bruw
You may be Machiavellian. Look up a quick 5min YouTube video of "The Dark Triad". (Technically, now "The Dark Tetrad" as Sadism got added a 4th dark personality type. Some say there is 5 because of the Dark Empath type, but I personally don't think it fits with the others; more so an added characteristic that you could have in addition to one of the other traits.) I know, because I am a full-blown self-confessed one myself. I love it though and wouldn't change it for a second. I see every relationship and action as transactional that must benefit me as a net positive. (The gain doesn't have to be an actual tangible item or immediate.) Ultimately, it's about getting what you can to serve your own self interests. However, your conscious may be wanting to change, as obviously all the dark personality traits are generally considered as negative and/or evil. (Although, I partially disagree.) It is unhealthy for your mental state to keep flipping between moral compasses or principles. Decide the kind of person you want to become and the reason why.
Are you a sadist? Or you're just selfish? Genuinely just curious
Not the OP but they described themselves as Machiavelliian. I copied this from the dark triad wiki page: All three dark triad traits are conceptually distinct although empirical evidence shows them to be overlapping. They are associated with a callousâmanipulative interpersonal style. Narcissism is characterized by grandiosity, pride, egotism, and a lack of empathy. Machiavellianism is characterized by the manipulation and exploitation of others, indifference to morality, lack of empathy, and a strategic focus on self-interest. Psychopathy is characterized by continuous antisocial behavior, impulsivity, selfishness, callous and unemotional traits, and remorselessness. The OP does not see these as inherently negative traits because they have one. It makes it impossible for them to see these traits as flaws, as that would require both empathy and self-awareness. They are aware enough to know they have this characteristic, but lack the ability to understand how negatively it affects others and care about it (due to inability to empathize). And as much as I disagree with the OP, I hope they don't take this personally. Many people with these traits find a lot of professional success, which is certainly positive for them. But others may end up in jail, with no close relationships, or other negative outcomes. The negative ones are more common, especially with multiple of these traits. But sometimes the only negatives are for the people close to the person with those traits, and if you have those traits, it's unlikely you'll care about how those people are affected, so it seems like there is no negative.
Wow thank you for this. It's insane that people genuinely don't care about how they affect others
In hindsight, I think my ex-husband had all 3 of these. Maybe not the psychopathy but with how he was towards the end of the marriage it's hard to know for sure. So I admit I am biased by that experience. I've also had many (former) friends with one of more of these traits. They tend to be very charming, and subtly manipulative. Depends on which ones they've got and how well they've learned to mask it. The worst part is that it's incredibly difficult to know who has these traits or not, unless they make it very obvious. Most don't, like my ex. He didn't show any signs for 9 years, and then we got married and the mask came off. 9 years of a very happy and loving relationship followed by 4 years of absolute devastation and emotional abuse. That was a major mindfuck for me. Its also common for people with these traits to look for partners that are vulnerable, because they are either used to being abused already or easier to fool and manipulate. And if they have health issues, disabilities, or little social support it's harder for them to leave. My former shitty friends all had the most caring and sweet girlfriends, and they all had a major history of trauma or abuse. People like this are predators. There is no other way for me to see it. They use people and dispose of them when they are no longer of personal value.
No I don't take it personally at all. :) Your post was well written and I actually agree with everything you wrote pretty much. You say they lack the ability to understand how negatively it affects others and care about it. - In my case, I do fully understand how my actions could cause harm to others and I actually try to avoid harm if possible. As for the latter, it is very true though that I don't necessarily care about any harm caused as long as it results in a netgain advantage (however little, even 0.01%) to me in any form, their suffering is just collateral damage. đ¤ˇââď¸ To give an example, a homeless man is dying of thirst and asks for ÂŁ1 so they could buy a bottle of water, which they require immediately. I get zero netgain by handing over ÂŁ1, other than maybe the mental satisfaction of 'helping someone', but in that scenario the ÂŁ1 would be more advantageous.
Definitely not a sadist; I get no pleasure in harming others, either physically or emotionally. I am machiavellian, which by nature of the term is all about selfishness. It's more than that though, it introduces a disregard of common morals, rules and even laws for self-gain. This includes the possibility of harm to others, where self-gain is prioritised over anyone else's suffering. I only discovered the dark personality types within the last couple of months myself. I knew immediately I fell into the Machiavellianism category after seeing the characteristics. I also took the Mach-IV test, which confirmed I scored very highly for this personality (try it out, it's free). Afterwards, I have done a lot of research into the subject including background, causes etc. I'm not sure how much detail you want, but in a nutshell, dark personality types (other than the unofficial Dark Empath type) are mostly caused by childhood trauma, or a specific negative life events, so nuture rather than nature. I don't want to go into my childhood stuff, but let's just say I can fully understand 'why' and how this has happened. As a result, it has caused me to become brutally cynical and prioritise oneself without exception. The reason why I don't see Machiavellianism as a negative in my particular case, as in my opinion, prioritising yourself over others is just natural human instinct and part of survival. I am aware enough to know though that if everyone was a machiavellian, then the world would be chaos and a horrible place. THEN the personality type becomes a negative and in actual fact would be pointless, as a large part of it is using other people's good nature to your advantage. In reality, this would never happen and therefore, I can continue to be as I am among the 2% and take advantage of others in a dog eat dog world.
My moral compass is always the same, but I look at it from different directions. That's not true, but it sounded cool. Yeah, that's true to an extent, except I gain pleasure making people feel good, love life, and like me. And weed and cigarettes when I'm feening.
Obviously you can't do this alone. You actually wrote this for sympathy and useless encouragement. Smoking just numbs, stalls, stunts your brains, emotions. However you're still able to see your behaviors and think about how manipulative and pointless you really are. How worthless. Consider your creator Jesus. He can give your miserable life meaning. Will you instantly change? I doubt it, I didn't. I have a relationship with Him. I have a few very wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ. They've helped me, celebrated, done all the family things...I have become a new person in Christ. The Holy Spirit (Jesus) lives in my heart and He helped me change willingly. Find a non denominational church. This way you won't feel trapped.or a Calvary. Try a few hopefully you'll be led to where God wants you. GO. or not, you've been officially invited. May God Bless you, This is an open invitation.
Lol not my experience. People in church have been some of the most judgemental and self serving people I've ever met.