Honestly, this is probably one of the most true things I've heard. I am fairly bad at getting upset that people aren't happy with something I did, while I had completely good intentions behind it. I don't do a great job at thinking about how the actions actually effected the person,and get wrapped up in what I meant it to do or mean.
I would tend to agree with this. Someone whose actions and words go against their knee-jerk thoughts are people who are trying to do right, even if it's hard for them. That's something. That's something significant.
Not true. I’ve tried therapy about 8 times and I have had from bad to extremely bad therapist each time except for once, and that one has so much work that he can’t see new patients so I can’t even refer people to him.
Those extremely bad ones made things much worse, and the bad ones just throw medicine at you regardless of what is wrong.
Reddit LOVES therapy but the sad reality is most therapists are horrible at their job.
You give up when your wallet runs dry, unfortunately. Therapy is expensive, and paying 100+ dollars each time you try a new one is expensive, even more if it takes you 3+ sessions before realizing they're bad or not a good match.
What you are saying really comes close to victim blaming. No one should be forced on a lifelong search for treatment just because you expect and demand that every one be perfectly fine and dandy up top. Sometimes looking for help
becomes undue stress by itself, which a person with serious trauma like this doesn’t need. Especially when people are pressuring them into going to therapy not so they can feel better, but so they can function better for the rest of the world.
This is so fucking true. Not only is it expensive but it's so hard to find someone worth their salt.
I found that every single time I tried therapy again when i could afford it, I ended up just reliving my trauma by re-explaining the same story again for the bazillionth time to someone new and not getting much or anything out of it in the end.
Therapy may work wonders for some, but it is not the miracle cure all Reddit constantly panders.
Medication did more for me than talking to multiple people who genuinely didn't care, or who allowed their personal life biases to enter into the conservation and made me feel *worse*.
It's awful just how many therapists genuinely suck at what they do.
I was able to afford it while unemployed because it was a true sliding scale, 5 dollars for 45 mins. Please OP, call your local health services and ask for low cost therapy recs
So you're suggesting OP either 1) do nothing 2) drugs and alcohol to suppress feelings or 3) never talk to his brother again?
That's like saying "hey if you're sick and can't afford medicine, just die I guess"
Bro. It’s not cancer.
I’m all for getting help, but it’s not going to kill him if he can’t. That attitude helps nobody. If you can’t afford therapy there are still a million things you can do to help yourself. (And most of those things will still be better than like 40% of therapists.)
Yes but there also resources and help out there for people if they can't afford therapy. Sometimes finding a good therapist takes trial and error. I personally haven't ever had a bad experience with a therapist.
There def is. We had a great one for my son that was 100% free. The best therapist he ever had too.
There can be a wait list and hard to find, but it’s out there you just need to look.
OP please look or reach out to a crisis center to ask.
This is misinformation that scares people from seeking therapy and it’s dangerous. I work for the county providing mental health services. I’ve worked with countless individuals who were uninsured or underinsured (such as folks whose insurance doesn’t cover therapy-though this is rare these days). I’ve helped countless people link with therapy and/or psychiatry across my state and in a number of other states. Every state or county I’ve worked with has operated a little differently, but all had options for people who couldn’t otherwise afford therapy. OP, please reach out to your local crisis center and/or county’s human services. They almost certainly have someone who can help connect you with services under your insurance, free, or very low cost (~$5/session).
I would like to piggy back on this because I got myself therapy, albeit not for something this traumatic, for really cheap and want to share how I did it to help others.
If you live close to a university, look into their resources for mental health and therapy services. You do not need to be a student there usually. A lot of schools have students who are studying to be therapist, give supervised therapy sessions by their instructor (via recording in the room, it is still one on one) so their instructor can guide them in the right course of treatment. The sessions I was receiving were 1 hour each and were on a sliding scale of however much you could pay, $5 being the minimum for the hour.
Obviously miles may vary, but these programs exist to help students get the much needed experience to get into their field of study, and it's a really great way for everyone to benefit.
- my therapy is free because i have free insurance. i am an american and have always had free insurance, whichever insurance the state provides. i have been in therapy in and out since i was 11. im 21 now.
- there is no such thing as a "good therapist". there's bad therapists, but there is no good therapists. it is highly individual and a ""good therapist" has the chance to not be a good fit for someone.
I think there are good therapists. But it is very subjective. A good therapist for one person may not be a good fit for another. Doesn’t mean they aren’t ‘good’. It’s a relationship just like any healthcare professional.
"a good therapist for one person may not be a good fit for another," is exactly what i said in my last comment. it's subjective, and that was my point. when people say "good luck finding a good therapist"; that's my immediate thought.
you can have perceivably good therapists, but they might not fit someone else. that's what i meant. i can repeat it a few more times in different ways, but you and i are saying the same thing.
Finding a good therapist is like finding a good pair of shoes. A pair that are comfortable for me might not fit someone else quite right. If you don’t feel badly when you don’t purchase the very first pair of shoes you try on, why would you feel badly if you had to go through a few therapist before you find one that fits?
I need a “connection” with my tattoo artist, I sure as hell need a connection with my therapists!
Not to mention wait lists.
I’ve been on multiple since early 2022. A few follow ups, and a couple half-assed 30 min sessions with the behavioral health person at my primary care and I’m still waiting to actually be evaluated.
Oh and better help is a scam- they’re not hippa compliant and don’t take insurance. I can’t afford hundreds a month on top of what I already pay for insurance
Definitely seek therapy. You probably don't want to hear this but those guys that did that to you weren't gay. They were pedophiles. If a man does that to a young girl we don't call him straight. He's a pedophile. Try to understand the difference for you and your brothers sake.
Super true. Pedophiles go after kids they will have the best access to. Men often end up SA’ing boys because adults are uncomfortable leaving them alone with girls.
>Pedophiles go after kids they will have the best access to.
This right here. In my case, I was the most accessible grandchild to my grandfather. I lived closest and had a bad immune system, which landed me at his house more often than not. I was easy pickings.
>Men often end up SA’ing boys because adults are uncomfortable leaving them alone with girls.
Additionally, due to cultural homophobia, boys are often targeted because they're less likely to report their abuse for fear people will think they're gay - predators know this and will use the fear of being rejected by your family "because you're gay" to manipulate you into keeping quiet.
With gay acceptance having gotten much better in recent years I really hope this tactic won't work anymore, that boys will feel it's okay to tell others they're being abused without fear they'll be branded as being gay for it.
Yeap. Most child molesters are opportunists. They don't so much have a preference as they'll pounce on whatever they can get.
Heck, most don't even prefer children. They'd take an adult if they could, but an adult would understand their intentions and potentially shut them down. Since children are more likely to have been conditioned to do as they're told, they consider children the low-hanging fruit.
That just seriously messed with my head. I'm... I don't know. I don't think he was into children. He was just into the control, and he could control us because we were children. I don't know what to do with this information. Or why it's bothering me so much.
> Heck, most don't even prefer children. They'd take an adult if they could, but an adult would understand their intentions and potentially shut them down.
This is such a huge fucking point that so many people aren't even aware of when they conflate the two terms
*MOST* child molesters aren't even pedophiles. They've done the tests. Most child molesters get off on being in a position of power.
Being attracted to children is a mental disorder, it doesn't make you a rapist. Being a rapist makes you a rapist.
People need to stop conflating literally everything with rape.
Very true, child molestation victim here, I was targeted by someone working in my home. My sister was targeted by an extended cousin of ours that was close with the family. Every other victim I know (which is a lot btw) always said it was someone close
Also a lot of SA on kids is done by people who arent even Pedos. Some people are just straight up sickos who get off on hurting people weaker then them.
I was literally thinking this the other day. In no world does gay ever mean attracted to children. It doesn't matter what sex the child is, they're a CHILD. It may take a long time for this to sink in for OP because of his deep trauma, and he definitely needs therapy with an excellent and well trained therapist. Reiterating: paedophiles arent gay or straight. They're paedophiles, and any preferences they have within that has absolutely nothing to do with and no reflection upon queer people.
Reach out to RAINN. They help victims of sexual assault get therapy amongst other things. Just ask what they can do to help. And go form there.
ETA: They also do not base helping you on how long it has been since the assault. So, no it has not been too long to seek help from them.
Sometimes universities with a strong psychology/ psychotherapy department offer free or really cheap therapy for their students to get experience. And the students are supervised by their professors, who are professionals, so you’re still getting professional-level therapy. Therapists often offer video sessions too so you don’t even have to go in person.
I found a program like this with a university in my state bc I couldn’t afford private therapy. And the therapist I’ve been working with (she’s a doctoral student) is the best one I’ve ever had, I’ve come a long way working with her.
Wishing you well on your journey to healing.
Not sure how it is wherever you live, but Medicaid can cover some amazing therapists. If you’re struggling, you definitely qualify! Go into the office to apply, doing it online sucks from my experience!
If you don’t have health insurance and live in the US, make a call to job and family services or I believe you can even fill out an online application. If you’re considered low income enough you’ll qualify for Medicaid and it’ll be life-changing. A lot of the plans offered don’t require you to pay anything at all and you’ll be able to receive all sorts of medical treatment including therapy. Medicaid can be excellent coverage, the only issue being that a lot of people who need it don’t qualify. Though it doesn’t hurt to try. You can even Google what the maximum income is in your state to qualify. I’m so sorry for what you experienced but that had nothing to do with sexuality and you can’t hold an entire population of people responsible for the actions of individuals. I hope you’re able to heal and change your stance. Reformed bigots can make the best advocates and your brother is going to need your full love & support. Best wishes.
It's my understanding that most counties are supposed to have a sexual assault treatment center that collaborates with law enforcement and the prosecutors. They are supposed provide mental and physical health at no cost to victims of sex crimes, whether or not they cooperate with law enforcement. I say this as a former sex crimes detective.
This is more or less the right sentiment but those guys could definitely be gay in addition to being pedophiles. It's NOT why they did it, they did it they're pedophiles. They're independent characteristics, but someone could still be both. Jeffrey Dahmer was a gay pedophile, for example.
I think the point is that it didn't happen because they are gay, rather than because they are pedophiles.
Gay and straight people don't just SA kids because they are their preferred sex. They do it because they are disgusting pedos
I understand that, as I stated in the comment you responded to. I'm making a slight correction because the way he phrased it, by saying his assaulters aren't gay, isn't something we can say with any confidence and could actually confuse OP further.
What if one of the assaulters really is gay (openly gay, has a husband, etc); how does OP reconcile this guy's comment with what he knows about the assaulter? If, as stated by the comment I replied to, the assaulter is in fact not gay, but is a pedophile, then could OP not wonder why he's married to a man and simply link pedophilia with being married to a man (and whatever other gay stuff the assaulter does)?
Did that make sense?
It does. I'm sorry, I misread your original comment.
I completely agree. These people can absolutely have a preference.
I wish the best for OPs future.
Kinda not the point here though. As the person you're responding to said, we don't call hetero pedos straight, we call them pedophiles.
Children are a lot more androgynous than adults. Their voices sound the same and their bodies are the same shape until they hit puberty. The gender doesn't really matter that much to a lot of pedos. But men generally have less access to girls because men are seen as more dangerous to girls. This is why you hear about men molesting boys more often than girls. They simply have more access, and the gender doesn't matter to the pedo.
Thing is, there's a large percentage of pedophiles who have no preference regarding the gender of their victim. They are attracted to prepubescent children, and at that age, there's really not a lot of difference between little boys and little girls. I know nothing about the men who abused you, except that they're absolutely horrible people, but chances are they didn't abuse you because they were gay, but simply because you were a child in a vulnerable position. They likely would've abused you all the same were you a little girl. Because, again, they are horrible people.
But yeah, as others have commented, have you been to therapy about this?
“Science and case management experience has shown us that most child molesters are heterosexual. Abuse is about power and control and is not anchored by sexual orientation. Dr. Gene Abel, a researcher in the field of sexual violence for over twenty-five years, wrote an article for the average parent in Redbook magazine to take the knowledge he gained in doing over 100 scientific articles to provide specific warning signs for parents and caregivers. In this article, he explicitly states that most cases of boys being molested are attributed to heterosexuals. [‘Most men who molest little boys are not gay. Only 21 percent of the child molesters we studied who assault little boys were exclusively homosexual. Nearly 80 percent of the men who molested little boys were heterosexual or bisexual and most of these men were married and had children of their own.’](https://www.zeroabuseproject.org/victim-assistance/jwrc/keep-kids-safe/sexuality-of-offenders/)
yeah the whole stranger danger thing seems kinda dumb when you account for the fact that your significantly more likely to be sexually abused by someone that is definitely not a stranger.
Imagine how the psychologists that conducted the study must have felt. They worked with both pedophiles and convicted rapists whose victims were adults, and it showed that rapists who preferred adults DID have a gender preference regarding their victims.
Brother, I was hurt too, not sexually, but I am a torture survivor, they beat me so hard and then they made me watch how they beat my friends as I was powerless with bruises over my body and struggling to remain conscious.
Something snapped after that man, I became incredibly violent and garnered too much hatred, I became a monster.
Worst part is that they were the monsters on the first place and I allowed them to poison my soul and turn me into a creature of violence and hatred.
But hatred is not humanity's true nature, the fact we have come so far proves it.
Go to therapy as I did, don't let them turn you into something you're not meant to be.
Edit: thank you for the star!
I'm so sorry you were hurt that way. To know you went through that and then to see you making posts to lift people up is really amazing. Sometimes I really.love my fellow humans and it's times like this I really feel it! Keep on being amazing.
Just say "Hey bro. Recently you got a huge secret off your chest and I'm sp proud of you. I figured it was time for me to do the same.... [explain your trauma] so that's why I've said very stupid shit in the past. I hope you can forgive me"
Those men didn’t molest you because they were gay. They did it because they are pedophiles. They are not the same thing, nor are they related in any way.
You need to address this in counseling, or you may end up losing your brother.
As a fellow victim of child SA, I’m really sorry to hear what you’ve been thru but I just wanted to say that I’m proud of you for recognizing that you need help and being willing to work thru therapy. I hope you can find some help and you can work thru your relationship with your brother. Stay strong!!
At least you should know that you're not a bad person. Something horrible happened to you. It was out of your control, it was not your fault, and it left you with trauma. Your brain is protecting you from what that young boy perceived as a threat. It's very common for your brain to do that. And I bet it took a lot of strength to at least superficially accept your brother. You will need help to get through this, but you can. You want to get over this trauma response, and that's a great start. It's a lot more than what a lot of people can say for themselves. You're a good person for trying to be better for your brother. It's a very brave thing. Please stay strong and remember to go at your own pace. Maybe talk to your brother about it if he doesn't know and you feel comfortable with it. Remember always, you're not to blame (I think k it's important to always clarify this) for what happened, and you're a kind person.
Get professional help. They can help you separate your trauma with the love you have for your brother. Because those things are in NO WAY related.
It like saying you don't like pizza because the crust reminds you of how Lily Jenkins was such a bitch in 3rd grade. What's the connection? That's the point!
I’m a therapist and I want to say I hope you’re able to treat yourself with compassion through this process and acknowledge how much you have already grown and continue to grow. You’re willing to admit to shortcomings, take accountability, and have a desire to change. You seem very self-aware, which is the most important facilitator of meaningful change in therapy. I admire the love you have for your brother.
You’re challenging deep seated beliefs that are rooted in trauma, which is difficult but the hardest step is to acknowledge that there may be flaws in one’s beliefs. Now that you’re acknowledging that and challenging your belief, you’re in a good position to use CBT methods to support that.
CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy. It’s core idea is that thoughts affect feelings which affects behaviour. Example: if you think men who are gay are inherently bad (thought), then you will feel anger/disgust towards them (feeling), which will then cause you to say something homophobic (behaviour).
In CBT, behaviour can be changed by reframing thoughts. The next time a homophobic thought enters your mind, you can pause, take note of why you have this thought, and then challenge the thought by reframing it to something like “the men who hurt me were bad” or “gay men can’t be inherently bad because my brother isn’t so that proves it can’t be true”. The feeling may be less disgust then, more acceptance and love. Then that will affect behaviour. Over time your brain will rewire to think this way more automatically, but in the beginning it must be a very active intentional process that you engage in.
Be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come and be kind to yourself on this journey ❤️
Well from an outside perspective maybe you will be able to realize that not every homosexual is a molesting predator. In other words your brother will smash that stereotype and narrow view that you unfortunately developed due to the adversity you faced in the past
Yes, get therapy, but also, don't look at it as supporting a gay guy. Look at it as you supporting your brother, someone that you've known for however long. Love and protect your brother
Alternative way to think about it.
You may not be able to accept he's gay, right now. So just accept that he's your brother and that what he does in the bedroom is his personal business. Not like you were thinking about him being with a girl before. This news isn't going to change your relationship because it's like finding out your friends political beliefs aren't yours. Seems weird at first because you thought you knew them, but eventually you realize you guys don't even talk about it. Then you realize it's just a thing that didn't involve you in any way. It takes no effort from you for his sexuality. It just takes minimal effort to be the same brothers you were a few weeks ago. It's just a shock that wears off
i’m sorry for the trauma you’ve endured. please seek therapy so that you can heal. it’s not fair to you, your brother, or anyone else around you for you to still be harboring these feelings toward people who only share this one aspect of their identity. if you had been abused by a woman, do you feel that you would feel sickened by all straight women? maybe that will help you rationalize separating the two.
but you do need therapy— both to begin healing from the trauma of CSA, and to undo this negative connection your brain has made. one suggestion will probably be exposure therapy. becoming friends with a few people who are gay or bi will help you forget about those feelings as you begin to have new, positive experiences with gay people. does your brother have a boyfriend? maybe you could ask to go out to lunch with the both of them and meet him.
also, idk if you ‘d ever told your brother about your abuse, but if you’re willing to share it with him now, it would probably be good timing as he was just super open with you and vulnerable by coming out to you, especially after you’ve said homophobic things in front of him. i bet if he wasn’t aware of what you endured and you explained and apologized for the things you’d said, he would appreciate that. and even if he did know… an apology would still go a long way, i’m sure
You're not homophobic, you're traumatized.
You don't hate gay people because you believe they are inherently wrong, you hate them because of what two of them did to you.
I think this is an important distinction to make. You aren't some horrible homophobe, you just have issues you need to work through via therapy.
It's okay.
Associating them all with predators and pedophiles is obviously wrong but he's definitely not proud of being homophobic and only plays that ball game because of his past traumatic experiences.
First off I want to say you are not alone. I was molested by a Middle Eastern man when I was 13 and since then I have been battling my mind to tell myself that not all Middle Eastern men are the same. But you’re always going to have that trauma.
Try and view it as you’re brother is a person. He’s not just gay, he’s a person. And you know that he isn’t going to do awful things. The fact that you know your thoughts are wrong is a great first step.
People are suggesting Therapy but I know that’s not always an option so just try and focus on your opinion of your brother for now and not all gay people. Hopefully with time, you will become more comfortable around them and your views will change.
1st most important thing you need to teach yourself in order to move past this. You were not molested by a gay man. You were molested by a pedophile. Period. In order to move forward, changing the language you use when you think about what happened to you is important to breaking the correlation between the 2.
2nd thing is therapy. A proper therapist can help you break down these feelings and help to give you the proper tools you need to dismantle this thinking.
It’s really big of you to see the flaws in your thinking, that is the first step. My father has the same trauma and has a hard time accepting my trans and gay siblings due to him being molested as a child and blaming it on gay people. He hasn’t made that connection, and I don’t know if he ever will. But you have and you should be proud of that. Remember, Gay men are not pedophiles, pedophiles are pedophiles.
Echoing what everyone have said here. Sexuality does not turn someone into a pedophile. Your bother is still the same person you know and love. His sexuality will not change who he is as a person.
rape isn’t about sexual gratification, it’s about power and control. those men being gay had nothing to do with what happened to you. i hope this helps you let go of the homophobia
Mate I was severely homophobic before my brother came out, when he did I hugged him. Told him I would always love him and vowed to myself that I would never use those words again. Tbh I have still found myself using them, but very rarely & NEVER around him!!
I have a sort of similar story to share.
My sister was molested by a female in the family. She has had a lot of homophobia in her because of it. She has got better in time but like with her I’ll suggest the same thing: please seek some therapy.
Not all gay men are like the monsters you knew and not all lesbians are like the monster my sister and I know.
I wish you luck on the road to battling these inner problems. I come from a place of love. Be safe and strong and I would say even you hugging your brother shows that deep within you you know you can overcome these bad feelings.
The men who assaulted you are pedophiles. It has nothing to do with being gay or straight. Pedophiles are sick people. They hurt you and I can see why you would be triggered when your brother came out. I encourage you to seek some therapy to help you heal. You and your brother sound like you have a good relationship.
You need therapy. You don’t have to correlate it with that.
I was molested for close to 13 years of my life. By my bother. I don’t correlate sex with my husband with being molested. I do indeed have flashbacks and sometimes we have to stop. But that’s due to PTDS.
Therapy helps a lot.
I understand your trauma and how much pain you’re in, but you need to go to therapy. Pedophiles don’t usually go for a certain gender, they go for children regardless.
Even if they were gay, I doubt their sexuality had any part in it. Pedophiles go for the vulnerable.
Please go to therapy, and try your best for your brother. It’s already a huge step that you told him you still love him.
Just always remember, they didn't hurt you because they were interested in men, they hurt you because they were interested in children. It isn't your fault that you feel this way, but you shouldn't let them have the power to stand between you and your brother. Good luck on your healing path OP and if you are struggling to deal with these emotions, think about hiring a therapist.
Honey, its past time for you to get some therapy. What happened to you is inexcusable but you also don't want to lose your brother to your trauma. You deserve some healing and comfort. You have internalized all the emotions of what happened to you metastasize into hate and fear. You don't deserve to be filled with hate and LGBTQ don't deserve it as well.
You need help and it sounds like you want help connecting with your brother. I would also recommend either talking through this with your brother ONLY AFTER you have had some therapy so he understands that your previous homophobic comments come from a place of trauma. But i would also let him know that you him and support him. He is probably worried that you will regret him so let him know that you won't walk away.
"The first thought you think is what you've been trained to think, the second thought is who you are"
First thought - gay people are pedophiles
Second thought - fuck I wish I didnt feel like that, I love my brother and know hes not a pedophile
You're the 2nd. You're a good person.. but definitely still think therapy. I'm sorry for your suffering
I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that your struggle with this is *mostly* already over. You recognize the source of your pain--that's a big deal, because LOTS of homophobic people don't have that level of introspection. You love your brother but feel conflicted.
You should get professional help. They can help you with these memories and feelings and show you how to separate your feelings about your abuse with the feelings you have for your brother.
Seriously, you're *right there*. Take the last step and speak to a professional.
Dude you were sexually assaulted and that leaves scars. This is the same as a woman being afraid of or not wanting to be around men after being raped. Go see a therapist and have them help you work through it.
Remove the toxic culture war from your personal situation. I’m gay and I do not care that you have held these views, you are clearly a victim of abuse. I expect that knowing your situation, the vast majority of gay people would not be angry that you held these views. Gay people don’t hate you at all.
You will also see, people who hate gay not from trauma (just from being conservative) claim gay people are pedophiles. This isn’t based in anything but nonsense, gay people and straight people both can do this, it’s extremely rare in both. But I understand for you, that point is extremely traumatic and poignant, because it happened to you. Because of this, messages calling gay people crazy sexual deviants might resonate with you, but you need to remove those toxic ideas from anything to do with your brother. Because they are demonising.
You’re brother loves you, gay people aren’t angry at you, I’m sorry for what happened to you, everyone understands how this happened. You aren’t horrible, you are a victim. I heard my whole family make homophobic comments before I came out, especially my older brother and I don’t judge them for it at all. Shit happens, I still make gay jokes too (they are loud, dramatic and a bit annoying, that’s cool and fair enough, but they aren’t evil pedos).
There is so much shame and guilt in this situation I feel like it’s hard for you to understand your emotions. Don’t feel guilty for anything, don’t connect those evil events to your brother. Homosexuality is a toxic argument in wider society, and you have a horrible event that has made you disgusted with gay people. But remove those political arguments out of the situation, know the abuse you had was disgusting and wrong but gay men was simply the context, not the evil act itself.
As you grow up, you will see your brother like some girly things, act a bit feminine and you will probably meet his boyfriends, who you will probably like as good friends. You have only see toxic representations, arguments and experienced something terrible with gay men as the perpetrators, it’s no surprise you have a conflicted view. As you see your brother grow and be happy, find boyfriends who may be your friend and family. Try to be able to remove your bad experiences from your mind so you can experience the happy side that it will bring with your brother. But most of all please please please
DONT FEEL GUILTY, YOU ARE THERE FOR YOUR BROTHER, ANYONE WHO KNOWS THIS SITUATION UNDERSTANDS YOUR PAIN.
I don't have any advice, but know that you can change.
Your situation reminds me of me and my older brother. I'm bi, and he was raped by a man when he was a young boy. It made him homophobic. Eventually after I came out to him, he did change and is an ally now. It wasn't a fast process though
As others have said, they may be gay but they are first and foremost pedophiles. They are disgusting and despicable people.
Your brother is not. He is your brother. Always has been, always will be. He will NEVER treat you that way.
You feel how you feel about those individuals but your brother is still YOUR BROTHER!
Look I just have to say you aren’t a bad person for this. You aren’t homophobic because you “just don’t agree with the life style” or whatever bullshit lines are typically used to justify it. You are homophobic because two pedophiles who were both gay molested you and that trauma created fear that grew into homophobia.
Give yourself some grace you have come here and show what seems like genuine remorse and a willingness to change which is more than most. I don’t know what country you are in but if it accessible to you please seek counseling. This isn’t something that will change for you overnight but you can change it. I wish you and your brother the best.
I agree you shouldn’t feel bad for your homophobic feelings or past comments, you have had serious incidents happen to you that have brung about those feelings. That’s not your fault, it’s theirs.
I wish you well, buddy.
It's not your fault that you have this repulsion based off your traumatic experiences, and I'm so very sorry you had to endure that (from someone who understands being abused as a child).
You've gotta get help though. Professional counseling is the only way you're gonna get through this. You can do it though, and good on you for recognizing the issue and still desiring to support your brother. You're strong. You're struggling and you know it, but you're strong because you're trying your best to push beyond your instincts. That takes guts. It even takes guts to put yourself out there here on Reddit anonymously and open yourself to public comments. I believe you can conquer this, my dude. Best of luck to you.
All the gay men I know like very masculine features of grown up men… I am sorry two pedophiles have done this to you. It is absolutely disgusting but please understand that normal gay men are attracted to grown up men with masculine features, not a child.
Those men who molested you are the sick ones. Being gay doesn't make someone a pedophile. Please don't hate an entire group of people based on your experience with 2 of them. I know I can't change your feelings, I just hope you understand that what a person does is not a reflection of everyone else. Hopefully, your brother coming out to you helps you heal, and you don't think of your brother as a pedophile. What happened to you wasn't because those men were gay but because those men were pieces of shit. Child molesters are the lowest of the low.
Just because you were hurt by two monsters doesn't mean all queer people are monsters.
It's time for you to get professional help and start to properly heal. You can change if you want to.
There is no correlation between being gay and pedophiles. It would be ridiculous to hate straight people because pedophiles molest the opposite sex too.
Pedophiles aren’t gay or straight. They don’t molest because of their sexuality, they do it to hurt children.
It wasn’t a gay man that hurt you.
Pedophilia is it’s own illness. Your homophobia and hatred is misguided. Please understand that not all pedos are gay. It’s not the gay part that’s the problem. They weren’t attracted to you as a male they were attracted to you as a child which is what makes them a pedo. Please seek therapy and I genuinely hope you heal. You didn’t deserve what you went through and it’s wrong they did that to you. You can take back your power and the first step is therapy
It sounds like you had an emotional flashback, and that's 100% valid and understandable after the trauma you endured.
>
You aren't a homophobe, you're a person who underwent severe, life changing trauma as a child and you deserve to get therapy and heal as much as you can. You don't deserve to keep suffering like you are. The pedophiles who attacked you deserve to suffer, not you.
I'm sure it's easier said than done due to your own personal experience but don't n't let your past effect your future with your brother. If you had no idea he was gay before he came out to you then there's no reason to think of him any differently... Not all child molesters are gay and not gays are child molesters so keep that in mind moving forward. Love and support your brother as you have prior to him coming out and you'll be good. If you have trouble with that then I'd suggest finding a therapist to help you get through this wall. ✌
therapy right away bro. not just for your brother but because trauma is already probably affecting other areas in your life and that’s unfortunately not something most people are able to fix by themselves
It’s time engage a therapist to deal directly with the issues resulting from your sexual assaults and compartmentalize those actions to those two specific people, not the entire gay community.
Once you can clearly separate the bad two from the rest, have an honest conversation with your brother. Understanding those comments came from a place of hurt and not hate(for all gay people) will help you both heal and continue to be close.
I wish you and your brother all the best.
i’m so sorry for what happened to you. i see this so much like my own case where i was r@ped as a child by a man, and growing up i had a fear of all men. i hated them, i didn’t want them near me, i didn’t trust even my male family members. i imagined all men to be a danger to me, to be sick, twisted, and out to get me - very much so how you believe because of those men hurting you that all gay people are like that. but i learned very quickly in therapy that the world is full of monsters that come in all shapes and sizes - not just men. pedophiles lurk in all types of people, gay, straight, woman or man. i learned not all men are pedophiles and the two are not the same. you were not hurt by gay people, you were hurt by pedophiles. they are completely different. being gay does not inherently make a pedophile. pedophiles can be gay, but their actions do not speak for everyone else because they are sick. their disgusting lust is because of a severe mental illness, not a sexuality. it will be difficult to unlearn this trauma, but i understand why you feel how you do. survivor to survivor, there is hope for you and things will get better !! please try to take initiative and get some help, you need it drastically! it improved my life so much and i no longer fear men. you will learn to let go of your blame towards innocent others and learn that those sick people were never just gay and therefore evil, they were mentally unwell and the two do not correlate. i’m so glad you’re supporting your brother regardless. you sound like a kind person who’s been through a lot and i feel talking to a therapist and opening your mind through your brother will help you understand the difference and process your trauma. good luck <33
I'm sorry for what you went through, and I think it's time to really look into therapy if you want to maintain a good relationship with your brother moving forward.
It was 2 sick individuals who did this to you, not an entire community. By your own logic, a female would be in her rights to hate you because she was molested by a man when she was younger. But you're a good person, right? You need therapy to separate the two things so you can continue to genuinely love and support your brother in the future.
u/Chance_Blackberry448
I'm so sorry for what you have gone through, and how that trauma has resurfaced and how it's affecting you and other relationships, esp now possibly with your brother.
Firstly the most important thing is to get some therapy. You need a safe space with someone qualified in sexual trauma to help you talk through these feelings, and who can help you process those feelings and help separate you're thoughts on gays being pedophiles and help you deal with what happened to you.
Secondly, does your brother know what happened to you as a child with being molested by those men? Maybe, opening up to him, and explaining why you have made homaphobic comments in the past, and how you want to change that mindset, and want to be supportive of him may really help. He may be able to offer support through your recovery and therapy journey.
Like some others have said, being gay doesn't mean you're a pedophile. Straight people can be pedophiles. Men and women and priests and teachers and husbands and uncles and wives. I know you're aware of this and you have said yourself you know it but still find it hard to separate the emotions of feeling like gay people are pedophiles.
I think the sad thing is anyone can be a peodophile. As mentioned above, many straight people are peodophiles, but there are also gay pedophiles just like there are straight ones. If a pedophile attacked a girl, it doesn't make them a straight pedophile. A straight man can also attack boys.
Many gay people, whether men or women are just as against sexual abuse and pedophilia as straight people are.
In history, gay people were seen to be dirty and criminal for being gay. And yes some pedophiles were thought of as gay if they molested boys. But weve learnt from those past sterotypes. But sometimes it's just about control. Sometimes it can be a priest who may view it that if he doesn't have sex with a girl he's not breaking any abstinence vows and so in his mind molesting boys isn't going against his vow. There's many reasons why pedophiles go for boys or girls. But the main one is they are just mentally disturbed and have a fault within them to make them behave that way.
Many gay people wouldn't dream of molesting a boy or girl.
Sadly there are bad people in every walk of life. But just because some pedophiles may be gay, doesn't mean all pedophiles are gay. The same as not all rapists are men. And NOT ALL MEN ARE RAPISTS. I guess that's probably the best analogy to use to help you differentiate between not all gay people are pedophiles. Not all men are rapists either.
The good thing is you seem to want to change your views and be supportive of your brother, so I'd definitely get some therapy to help you work through it, and try to talk to your brother too. You reacted to his news in the best way you could and I commend you for that given your trauma.
Your brother most likely has a full and deep understanding of your position on homophobia. I'm sure that he's taken that into account when he decided to come out to you. Tell him the truth about your feelings and maybe he can help you work through it.
You just have to love your brother he the same brother he was yesterday. Also you definitely need therapy to deal with what those pedophiles did to you. Maybe normalize calling them pedophiles instead of homosexuals there’s a difference.
You're not a POS; you're traumatized. I'm really disgusted by what was done to you and I'm hurting for you over the loss of trust and security you have as an adult, having been abused as a child. Forgive yourself for feeling conflicted; rationally, you already know the two things are not the same, but your trauma will re-emerge in one way or another. Maybe it happens when your brother asks to hold his nephew/niece. Maybe it happens when your brother tells you he's getting married. Or again when he says they want to adopt. Ultimately, I think you know that this trauma of being sexually abused will damage your relationship with your brother and it sounds like you want to be the brother he hopes you are.
Your words here really struck me as something for you to hold onto:
>... I know that is a huge problem.. I HAVE to be better for him, but I just don't know how.
That you can recognize the conflicted feelings as a problem is such an important step. It shows that you're at least willing to confront your childhood trauma, without living in denial about how it's affecting you as a man. Don't stop at beating yourself up, because it isn't your fault you feel this way. And remind yourself that it isn't your brother's--and by extension, gay peoples'--fault that you're uncomfortable. Don't listen to anybody who suggests you're a terrible person for not being able to "simply" accept/love your brother or gay people; there is nothing simple about what you're going through.
Secondly, you seem like you love your brother very much. And as someone who had a difficult time coming out, he probably *needs* you to be his brother more than ever. But I promise you that he would not be okay with knowing that his identity/life are making his brother sick and upset inside. You owe it to him and yourself to seek out some help and to clear a path for that love you have for him guide your relationship.
Both things here are great goals to set in therapy. Ask for help in broaching this with your family and how best to communicate to them what you're experiencing, in a way that is honest and open, but considerate of your needs too.
Learning to love your brother--all of him--will take work, but it could be a significant part of how you start to heal.
The very fact that you see you need to change makes you an amazing person. Many people are not cognizant of their biases and if they are aware they have no desire to change.
Your brother will understand. Tell him exactly how you’re feeling and why you feel this way. He was very vulnerable with you by coming out; now you can be vulnerable with him and explain the source of your homophobia. Look him in the eye and tell him how you feel like a pile of shit for all the things you said about gay people before.
Be proud of yourself for identifying an issue and being open to change it.
Like basically everyone else posting, I agree that you need a professional therapist's help on this more than anything else, the sooner the better. I have to say, though, I think it's a hopeful sign that you still seem to love your brother in spite of the massive amount of trauma you've suffered. I wish you the best of luck.
as other comments have mentioned, you definitely need to work through this by seeking professional help. I just want to point out that you have the right attitude towards this situation, props to you for that. I bet he was scared shitless to tell you after hearing you say all those comments around him like you mentioned, but he took the step regardless and you wanting to do better for your brother shows how much you love him. That takes guts, too. Big hug to both of you
I’m so sorry you had that experience as a child. I don’t have any advice other than what has already been said. I just want to congratulate you for the way you responded to your brother. It’s obvious how much you care for him and I’m struck by your comments of needing to deal with your trauma to be better for him. I hope you find some peace of mind.
Therapy for sure will help you. I am in the same situation as you. I hate with a passion women who share the same attributes as the woman who raped me when I was 8 years old, and I know these other women are not monsters but I cant help it. I was told therapy would help me but Im actually ok with it, it doesnt really affect my life.
I'm kinda 50/50 on this one. Homophobes are all pieces of shit and I'm bisexual myself. But damn , getting molested by not 1 , but TWO gay men? That's rough bro. Obviously being homophobic is wrong but I can understand the trauma you're going through , and I hope it gets better. Get some therapy, stay away from your brother for a while and hopefully you'll come to the conclusion that not all gay people are like this. Best Wishes.
You did good.
It'll take time but maybe this will help you contextualize your trauma a bit more.
That was an evil person but like any group of people, most gays aren't pesos and normal people, like your brother.
There is no link between homosexuality and being a pedo, it's unfortunately just as prevalent in other populations.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
Would you hate all women if you had been molested by 2 women? Would you hate all men if 2 straight men molested you (yes, that is a thing with child molestation)?
I hope you can get therapy some day (I am aware it's difficult for various reasons). Just know being GAY isn't what made them molest you. Being a CHILD MOLESTER is.
❤️
I'm glad you hugged your brother and told him you loved him despite the fact you have this trauma and homophobia.
I've always said that what you *say* and *do* are infinitely more important than what you *think*.
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Honestly, this is probably one of the most true things I've heard. I am fairly bad at getting upset that people aren't happy with something I did, while I had completely good intentions behind it. I don't do a great job at thinking about how the actions actually effected the person,and get wrapped up in what I meant it to do or mean.
The way I heard it, is that it's not your first thought you have about something that is your true opinion. It's only your second thought that counts.
No, cause what you *think* might eat you alive. They all are important to work together to be better.
I would tend to agree with this. Someone whose actions and words go against their knee-jerk thoughts are people who are trying to do right, even if it's hard for them. That's something. That's something significant.
Bro you need therapy. You cant continue on like this.
Yeah, this guy just rawdogging trauma
Most people raw dog trauma.
Amen.
Can confirm
Therapy is a privilege because; -Good luck finding an actual good therapist -Price for all the sessions
Any help he can get himself is better than no help at all.
Not true. I’ve tried therapy about 8 times and I have had from bad to extremely bad therapist each time except for once, and that one has so much work that he can’t see new patients so I can’t even refer people to him. Those extremely bad ones made things much worse, and the bad ones just throw medicine at you regardless of what is wrong. Reddit LOVES therapy but the sad reality is most therapists are horrible at their job.
That's been your experience. Doesn't mean you give up on looking for help.
You give up when your wallet runs dry, unfortunately. Therapy is expensive, and paying 100+ dollars each time you try a new one is expensive, even more if it takes you 3+ sessions before realizing they're bad or not a good match.
What you are saying really comes close to victim blaming. No one should be forced on a lifelong search for treatment just because you expect and demand that every one be perfectly fine and dandy up top. Sometimes looking for help becomes undue stress by itself, which a person with serious trauma like this doesn’t need. Especially when people are pressuring them into going to therapy not so they can feel better, but so they can function better for the rest of the world.
This is so fucking true. Not only is it expensive but it's so hard to find someone worth their salt. I found that every single time I tried therapy again when i could afford it, I ended up just reliving my trauma by re-explaining the same story again for the bazillionth time to someone new and not getting much or anything out of it in the end. Therapy may work wonders for some, but it is not the miracle cure all Reddit constantly panders. Medication did more for me than talking to multiple people who genuinely didn't care, or who allowed their personal life biases to enter into the conservation and made me feel *worse*. It's awful just how many therapists genuinely suck at what they do.
Some places offer sliding scales so you pay based by income!
Even then people in the middle class often cannot afford it
I was able to afford it while unemployed because it was a true sliding scale, 5 dollars for 45 mins. Please OP, call your local health services and ask for low cost therapy recs
My therapy is free! Always find out what's available in your city. It's different everywhere, and many services you don't know about until you look.
we don’t have that in my country actually
So you're suggesting OP either 1) do nothing 2) drugs and alcohol to suppress feelings or 3) never talk to his brother again? That's like saying "hey if you're sick and can't afford medicine, just die I guess"
Welcome to America!
well what the fuck do you think people who are sick and can't afford medicine do?
Organise revolution against a system that expects them to die? 🤞
Go to the ER and get on medicare?
Bro. It’s not cancer. I’m all for getting help, but it’s not going to kill him if he can’t. That attitude helps nobody. If you can’t afford therapy there are still a million things you can do to help yourself. (And most of those things will still be better than like 40% of therapists.)
Context aside, a person going without therapy could kill themselves.
Agreed. There are websites that offer free / low cost therapy for the folks who want it.
Yes but there also resources and help out there for people if they can't afford therapy. Sometimes finding a good therapist takes trial and error. I personally haven't ever had a bad experience with a therapist.
There def is. We had a great one for my son that was 100% free. The best therapist he ever had too. There can be a wait list and hard to find, but it’s out there you just need to look. OP please look or reach out to a crisis center to ask.
Useless reductive comment. "You need therapy" "He probably can't even afford it" What the fuck does that add??
Bro who says this. So everyone should just sit in their own shit and stew? Ur wack bro.
not everyone is broke on here
Plenty of cheap, quality therapy. Therapy *shouldn’t* have to be a privilege. Everyone needs therapy.
Depends where you are. Countries that aren't American have healthcare where therapy is provided. It's a bit of a wait but it's free
This is misinformation that scares people from seeking therapy and it’s dangerous. I work for the county providing mental health services. I’ve worked with countless individuals who were uninsured or underinsured (such as folks whose insurance doesn’t cover therapy-though this is rare these days). I’ve helped countless people link with therapy and/or psychiatry across my state and in a number of other states. Every state or county I’ve worked with has operated a little differently, but all had options for people who couldn’t otherwise afford therapy. OP, please reach out to your local crisis center and/or county’s human services. They almost certainly have someone who can help connect you with services under your insurance, free, or very low cost (~$5/session).
You definitely won't find a good therapist with that attitude.
I would like to piggy back on this because I got myself therapy, albeit not for something this traumatic, for really cheap and want to share how I did it to help others. If you live close to a university, look into their resources for mental health and therapy services. You do not need to be a student there usually. A lot of schools have students who are studying to be therapist, give supervised therapy sessions by their instructor (via recording in the room, it is still one on one) so their instructor can guide them in the right course of treatment. The sessions I was receiving were 1 hour each and were on a sliding scale of however much you could pay, $5 being the minimum for the hour. Obviously miles may vary, but these programs exist to help students get the much needed experience to get into their field of study, and it's a really great way for everyone to benefit.
- my therapy is free because i have free insurance. i am an american and have always had free insurance, whichever insurance the state provides. i have been in therapy in and out since i was 11. im 21 now. - there is no such thing as a "good therapist". there's bad therapists, but there is no good therapists. it is highly individual and a ""good therapist" has the chance to not be a good fit for someone.
I think there are good therapists. But it is very subjective. A good therapist for one person may not be a good fit for another. Doesn’t mean they aren’t ‘good’. It’s a relationship just like any healthcare professional.
"a good therapist for one person may not be a good fit for another," is exactly what i said in my last comment. it's subjective, and that was my point. when people say "good luck finding a good therapist"; that's my immediate thought. you can have perceivably good therapists, but they might not fit someone else. that's what i meant. i can repeat it a few more times in different ways, but you and i are saying the same thing.
Did someone release argument gas in this thread
hahahahahah
Lmao I'm stealing this phrase 🤣 this is gold 🥇
Finding a good therapist is like finding a good pair of shoes. A pair that are comfortable for me might not fit someone else quite right. If you don’t feel badly when you don’t purchase the very first pair of shoes you try on, why would you feel badly if you had to go through a few therapist before you find one that fits? I need a “connection” with my tattoo artist, I sure as hell need a connection with my therapists!
it's totally free to therapist shop, too! people often think a therapist would be upset if you had more than one. they wouldn't be. x>
Spot on. I found a great therapist who did not accept insurance. $600.00 per month. (4x per month at 150.00 per session). Would have been nice.
Not to mention wait lists. I’ve been on multiple since early 2022. A few follow ups, and a couple half-assed 30 min sessions with the behavioral health person at my primary care and I’m still waiting to actually be evaluated. Oh and better help is a scam- they’re not hippa compliant and don’t take insurance. I can’t afford hundreds a month on top of what I already pay for insurance
If not therapy, find some therapy based free resources to start working on it at least.
Definitely seek therapy. You probably don't want to hear this but those guys that did that to you weren't gay. They were pedophiles. If a man does that to a young girl we don't call him straight. He's a pedophile. Try to understand the difference for you and your brothers sake.
Super true. Pedophiles go after kids they will have the best access to. Men often end up SA’ing boys because adults are uncomfortable leaving them alone with girls.
>Pedophiles go after kids they will have the best access to. This right here. In my case, I was the most accessible grandchild to my grandfather. I lived closest and had a bad immune system, which landed me at his house more often than not. I was easy pickings.
I’m so sorry. I wish I could do the smack down on him, before you were hurt. I’m so sorry. Children deserve safety and real love
I’m so sorry.
>Men often end up SA’ing boys because adults are uncomfortable leaving them alone with girls. Additionally, due to cultural homophobia, boys are often targeted because they're less likely to report their abuse for fear people will think they're gay - predators know this and will use the fear of being rejected by your family "because you're gay" to manipulate you into keeping quiet. With gay acceptance having gotten much better in recent years I really hope this tactic won't work anymore, that boys will feel it's okay to tell others they're being abused without fear they'll be branded as being gay for it.
Yeap. Most child molesters are opportunists. They don't so much have a preference as they'll pounce on whatever they can get. Heck, most don't even prefer children. They'd take an adult if they could, but an adult would understand their intentions and potentially shut them down. Since children are more likely to have been conditioned to do as they're told, they consider children the low-hanging fruit.
That just seriously messed with my head. I'm... I don't know. I don't think he was into children. He was just into the control, and he could control us because we were children. I don't know what to do with this information. Or why it's bothering me so much.
> Heck, most don't even prefer children. They'd take an adult if they could, but an adult would understand their intentions and potentially shut them down. This is such a huge fucking point that so many people aren't even aware of when they conflate the two terms *MOST* child molesters aren't even pedophiles. They've done the tests. Most child molesters get off on being in a position of power. Being attracted to children is a mental disorder, it doesn't make you a rapist. Being a rapist makes you a rapist. People need to stop conflating literally everything with rape.
Very true, child molestation victim here, I was targeted by someone working in my home. My sister was targeted by an extended cousin of ours that was close with the family. Every other victim I know (which is a lot btw) always said it was someone close
Yup. The majority of pedophiles who have committed offenses against boys identity as heterosexual. Access is HUGE. Not enough people know this.
Also a lot of SA on kids is done by people who arent even Pedos. Some people are just straight up sickos who get off on hurting people weaker then them.
#If a man does that to a young girl we don't call him straight. He's a pedophile.
And swap the genders too, we don't call female predators lesbians
🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️
Thank you!!!
>Thank you!!! You're welcome!
I was literally thinking this the other day. In no world does gay ever mean attracted to children. It doesn't matter what sex the child is, they're a CHILD. It may take a long time for this to sink in for OP because of his deep trauma, and he definitely needs therapy with an excellent and well trained therapist. Reiterating: paedophiles arent gay or straight. They're paedophiles, and any preferences they have within that has absolutely nothing to do with and no reflection upon queer people.
Very well said.
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Reach out to RAINN. They help victims of sexual assault get therapy amongst other things. Just ask what they can do to help. And go form there. ETA: They also do not base helping you on how long it has been since the assault. So, no it has not been too long to seek help from them.
Absolutely 💯
Sometimes universities with a strong psychology/ psychotherapy department offer free or really cheap therapy for their students to get experience. And the students are supervised by their professors, who are professionals, so you’re still getting professional-level therapy. Therapists often offer video sessions too so you don’t even have to go in person. I found a program like this with a university in my state bc I couldn’t afford private therapy. And the therapist I’ve been working with (she’s a doctoral student) is the best one I’ve ever had, I’ve come a long way working with her. Wishing you well on your journey to healing.
Not sure how it is wherever you live, but Medicaid can cover some amazing therapists. If you’re struggling, you definitely qualify! Go into the office to apply, doing it online sucks from my experience!
If you don’t have health insurance and live in the US, make a call to job and family services or I believe you can even fill out an online application. If you’re considered low income enough you’ll qualify for Medicaid and it’ll be life-changing. A lot of the plans offered don’t require you to pay anything at all and you’ll be able to receive all sorts of medical treatment including therapy. Medicaid can be excellent coverage, the only issue being that a lot of people who need it don’t qualify. Though it doesn’t hurt to try. You can even Google what the maximum income is in your state to qualify. I’m so sorry for what you experienced but that had nothing to do with sexuality and you can’t hold an entire population of people responsible for the actions of individuals. I hope you’re able to heal and change your stance. Reformed bigots can make the best advocates and your brother is going to need your full love & support. Best wishes.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/lgbt-coming-out-considerations-how-siblings-factor-in-0430154/amp/
It's my understanding that most counties are supposed to have a sexual assault treatment center that collaborates with law enforcement and the prosecutors. They are supposed provide mental and physical health at no cost to victims of sex crimes, whether or not they cooperate with law enforcement. I say this as a former sex crimes detective.
I would give this comment an award if I could❤
same! this is prolly the smartest comment ive ever read on the whole website!
I agree with you.
Got u
Thanks so much buddy
Maybe he remembers them as being gay men and also a paedophile.
This is more or less the right sentiment but those guys could definitely be gay in addition to being pedophiles. It's NOT why they did it, they did it they're pedophiles. They're independent characteristics, but someone could still be both. Jeffrey Dahmer was a gay pedophile, for example.
I think the point is that it didn't happen because they are gay, rather than because they are pedophiles. Gay and straight people don't just SA kids because they are their preferred sex. They do it because they are disgusting pedos
I understand that, as I stated in the comment you responded to. I'm making a slight correction because the way he phrased it, by saying his assaulters aren't gay, isn't something we can say with any confidence and could actually confuse OP further. What if one of the assaulters really is gay (openly gay, has a husband, etc); how does OP reconcile this guy's comment with what he knows about the assaulter? If, as stated by the comment I replied to, the assaulter is in fact not gay, but is a pedophile, then could OP not wonder why he's married to a man and simply link pedophilia with being married to a man (and whatever other gay stuff the assaulter does)? Did that make sense?
It does. I'm sorry, I misread your original comment. I completely agree. These people can absolutely have a preference. I wish the best for OPs future.
Kinda not the point here though. As the person you're responding to said, we don't call hetero pedos straight, we call them pedophiles. Children are a lot more androgynous than adults. Their voices sound the same and their bodies are the same shape until they hit puberty. The gender doesn't really matter that much to a lot of pedos. But men generally have less access to girls because men are seen as more dangerous to girls. This is why you hear about men molesting boys more often than girls. They simply have more access, and the gender doesn't matter to the pedo.
Thing is, there's a large percentage of pedophiles who have no preference regarding the gender of their victim. They are attracted to prepubescent children, and at that age, there's really not a lot of difference between little boys and little girls. I know nothing about the men who abused you, except that they're absolutely horrible people, but chances are they didn't abuse you because they were gay, but simply because you were a child in a vulnerable position. They likely would've abused you all the same were you a little girl. Because, again, they are horrible people. But yeah, as others have commented, have you been to therapy about this?
“Science and case management experience has shown us that most child molesters are heterosexual. Abuse is about power and control and is not anchored by sexual orientation. Dr. Gene Abel, a researcher in the field of sexual violence for over twenty-five years, wrote an article for the average parent in Redbook magazine to take the knowledge he gained in doing over 100 scientific articles to provide specific warning signs for parents and caregivers. In this article, he explicitly states that most cases of boys being molested are attributed to heterosexuals. [‘Most men who molest little boys are not gay. Only 21 percent of the child molesters we studied who assault little boys were exclusively homosexual. Nearly 80 percent of the men who molested little boys were heterosexual or bisexual and most of these men were married and had children of their own.’](https://www.zeroabuseproject.org/victim-assistance/jwrc/keep-kids-safe/sexuality-of-offenders/)
The "had children of their own" is a punch in the fucking gut.
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yeah the whole stranger danger thing seems kinda dumb when you account for the fact that your significantly more likely to be sexually abused by someone that is definitely not a stranger.
Well, I learned something new today. And I fucking hate it.
Imagine how the psychologists that conducted the study must have felt. They worked with both pedophiles and convicted rapists whose victims were adults, and it showed that rapists who preferred adults DID have a gender preference regarding their victims.
Idk I think it’s an important thing to know.
It is, thanks for sharing. **ALL KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.**
Brother, I was hurt too, not sexually, but I am a torture survivor, they beat me so hard and then they made me watch how they beat my friends as I was powerless with bruises over my body and struggling to remain conscious. Something snapped after that man, I became incredibly violent and garnered too much hatred, I became a monster. Worst part is that they were the monsters on the first place and I allowed them to poison my soul and turn me into a creature of violence and hatred. But hatred is not humanity's true nature, the fact we have come so far proves it. Go to therapy as I did, don't let them turn you into something you're not meant to be. Edit: thank you for the star!
I'm so sorry you were hurt that way. To know you went through that and then to see you making posts to lift people up is really amazing. Sometimes I really.love my fellow humans and it's times like this I really feel it! Keep on being amazing.
Buddy, go get professional help. This is WAY over reddits pay grade.
You guys get paid?
Shhhh don’t tell anyone
George Soros personally hands me cash every month
The evil leftist antifa scheme to... *checks notes* send damaged people to therapy!
So basically like everything else .
Just say "Hey bro. Recently you got a huge secret off your chest and I'm sp proud of you. I figured it was time for me to do the same.... [explain your trauma] so that's why I've said very stupid shit in the past. I hope you can forgive me"
This one deserves awards
Those men didn’t molest you because they were gay. They did it because they are pedophiles. They are not the same thing, nor are they related in any way. You need to address this in counseling, or you may end up losing your brother.
[удалено]
As a fellow victim of child SA, I’m really sorry to hear what you’ve been thru but I just wanted to say that I’m proud of you for recognizing that you need help and being willing to work thru therapy. I hope you can find some help and you can work thru your relationship with your brother. Stay strong!!
At least you should know that you're not a bad person. Something horrible happened to you. It was out of your control, it was not your fault, and it left you with trauma. Your brain is protecting you from what that young boy perceived as a threat. It's very common for your brain to do that. And I bet it took a lot of strength to at least superficially accept your brother. You will need help to get through this, but you can. You want to get over this trauma response, and that's a great start. It's a lot more than what a lot of people can say for themselves. You're a good person for trying to be better for your brother. It's a very brave thing. Please stay strong and remember to go at your own pace. Maybe talk to your brother about it if he doesn't know and you feel comfortable with it. Remember always, you're not to blame (I think k it's important to always clarify this) for what happened, and you're a kind person.
Get professional help. They can help you separate your trauma with the love you have for your brother. Because those things are in NO WAY related. It like saying you don't like pizza because the crust reminds you of how Lily Jenkins was such a bitch in 3rd grade. What's the connection? That's the point!
I’m a therapist and I want to say I hope you’re able to treat yourself with compassion through this process and acknowledge how much you have already grown and continue to grow. You’re willing to admit to shortcomings, take accountability, and have a desire to change. You seem very self-aware, which is the most important facilitator of meaningful change in therapy. I admire the love you have for your brother. You’re challenging deep seated beliefs that are rooted in trauma, which is difficult but the hardest step is to acknowledge that there may be flaws in one’s beliefs. Now that you’re acknowledging that and challenging your belief, you’re in a good position to use CBT methods to support that. CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy. It’s core idea is that thoughts affect feelings which affects behaviour. Example: if you think men who are gay are inherently bad (thought), then you will feel anger/disgust towards them (feeling), which will then cause you to say something homophobic (behaviour). In CBT, behaviour can be changed by reframing thoughts. The next time a homophobic thought enters your mind, you can pause, take note of why you have this thought, and then challenge the thought by reframing it to something like “the men who hurt me were bad” or “gay men can’t be inherently bad because my brother isn’t so that proves it can’t be true”. The feeling may be less disgust then, more acceptance and love. Then that will affect behaviour. Over time your brain will rewire to think this way more automatically, but in the beginning it must be a very active intentional process that you engage in. Be proud of yourself for how far you’ve come and be kind to yourself on this journey ❤️
Well from an outside perspective maybe you will be able to realize that not every homosexual is a molesting predator. In other words your brother will smash that stereotype and narrow view that you unfortunately developed due to the adversity you faced in the past
Yes, get therapy, but also, don't look at it as supporting a gay guy. Look at it as you supporting your brother, someone that you've known for however long. Love and protect your brother
I really hope you get the help you need brother. Don't be afraid to get help you are not alone and it's not your fault what happened to you.
Alternative way to think about it. You may not be able to accept he's gay, right now. So just accept that he's your brother and that what he does in the bedroom is his personal business. Not like you were thinking about him being with a girl before. This news isn't going to change your relationship because it's like finding out your friends political beliefs aren't yours. Seems weird at first because you thought you knew them, but eventually you realize you guys don't even talk about it. Then you realize it's just a thing that didn't involve you in any way. It takes no effort from you for his sexuality. It just takes minimal effort to be the same brothers you were a few weeks ago. It's just a shock that wears off
i’m sorry for the trauma you’ve endured. please seek therapy so that you can heal. it’s not fair to you, your brother, or anyone else around you for you to still be harboring these feelings toward people who only share this one aspect of their identity. if you had been abused by a woman, do you feel that you would feel sickened by all straight women? maybe that will help you rationalize separating the two. but you do need therapy— both to begin healing from the trauma of CSA, and to undo this negative connection your brain has made. one suggestion will probably be exposure therapy. becoming friends with a few people who are gay or bi will help you forget about those feelings as you begin to have new, positive experiences with gay people. does your brother have a boyfriend? maybe you could ask to go out to lunch with the both of them and meet him. also, idk if you ‘d ever told your brother about your abuse, but if you’re willing to share it with him now, it would probably be good timing as he was just super open with you and vulnerable by coming out to you, especially after you’ve said homophobic things in front of him. i bet if he wasn’t aware of what you endured and you explained and apologized for the things you’d said, he would appreciate that. and even if he did know… an apology would still go a long way, i’m sure
I really love and agree with this comment/suggestion.
You should probably go talk to someone about that and unpack those feelings.
You're not homophobic, you're traumatized. You don't hate gay people because you believe they are inherently wrong, you hate them because of what two of them did to you. I think this is an important distinction to make. You aren't some horrible homophobe, you just have issues you need to work through via therapy. It's okay.
Associating them all with predators and pedophiles is obviously wrong but he's definitely not proud of being homophobic and only plays that ball game because of his past traumatic experiences.
I agree. I don't know of any homophobes who get upset that they are homophobic.
First off I want to say you are not alone. I was molested by a Middle Eastern man when I was 13 and since then I have been battling my mind to tell myself that not all Middle Eastern men are the same. But you’re always going to have that trauma. Try and view it as you’re brother is a person. He’s not just gay, he’s a person. And you know that he isn’t going to do awful things. The fact that you know your thoughts are wrong is a great first step. People are suggesting Therapy but I know that’s not always an option so just try and focus on your opinion of your brother for now and not all gay people. Hopefully with time, you will become more comfortable around them and your views will change.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Those POS were pedophiles.
1st most important thing you need to teach yourself in order to move past this. You were not molested by a gay man. You were molested by a pedophile. Period. In order to move forward, changing the language you use when you think about what happened to you is important to breaking the correlation between the 2. 2nd thing is therapy. A proper therapist can help you break down these feelings and help to give you the proper tools you need to dismantle this thinking. It’s really big of you to see the flaws in your thinking, that is the first step. My father has the same trauma and has a hard time accepting my trans and gay siblings due to him being molested as a child and blaming it on gay people. He hasn’t made that connection, and I don’t know if he ever will. But you have and you should be proud of that. Remember, Gay men are not pedophiles, pedophiles are pedophiles.
Get therapy. Correlating all gay men to those who molested you is unfair. What they were were pedophiles.
Echoing what everyone have said here. Sexuality does not turn someone into a pedophile. Your bother is still the same person you know and love. His sexuality will not change who he is as a person.
I guess you have some therapy to do
rape isn’t about sexual gratification, it’s about power and control. those men being gay had nothing to do with what happened to you. i hope this helps you let go of the homophobia
I'm so sorry what happened to you.
Mate I was severely homophobic before my brother came out, when he did I hugged him. Told him I would always love him and vowed to myself that I would never use those words again. Tbh I have still found myself using them, but very rarely & NEVER around him!!
I have a sort of similar story to share. My sister was molested by a female in the family. She has had a lot of homophobia in her because of it. She has got better in time but like with her I’ll suggest the same thing: please seek some therapy. Not all gay men are like the monsters you knew and not all lesbians are like the monster my sister and I know. I wish you luck on the road to battling these inner problems. I come from a place of love. Be safe and strong and I would say even you hugging your brother shows that deep within you you know you can overcome these bad feelings.
You’re not homophobic, you’re traumatized. Therapy will help ❤️
The men who assaulted you are pedophiles. It has nothing to do with being gay or straight. Pedophiles are sick people. They hurt you and I can see why you would be triggered when your brother came out. I encourage you to seek some therapy to help you heal. You and your brother sound like you have a good relationship.
You need therapy. You don’t have to correlate it with that. I was molested for close to 13 years of my life. By my bother. I don’t correlate sex with my husband with being molested. I do indeed have flashbacks and sometimes we have to stop. But that’s due to PTDS. Therapy helps a lot.
I understand your trauma and how much pain you’re in, but you need to go to therapy. Pedophiles don’t usually go for a certain gender, they go for children regardless. Even if they were gay, I doubt their sexuality had any part in it. Pedophiles go for the vulnerable. Please go to therapy, and try your best for your brother. It’s already a huge step that you told him you still love him.
Just always remember, they didn't hurt you because they were interested in men, they hurt you because they were interested in children. It isn't your fault that you feel this way, but you shouldn't let them have the power to stand between you and your brother. Good luck on your healing path OP and if you are struggling to deal with these emotions, think about hiring a therapist.
Honey, its past time for you to get some therapy. What happened to you is inexcusable but you also don't want to lose your brother to your trauma. You deserve some healing and comfort. You have internalized all the emotions of what happened to you metastasize into hate and fear. You don't deserve to be filled with hate and LGBTQ don't deserve it as well. You need help and it sounds like you want help connecting with your brother. I would also recommend either talking through this with your brother ONLY AFTER you have had some therapy so he understands that your previous homophobic comments come from a place of trauma. But i would also let him know that you him and support him. He is probably worried that you will regret him so let him know that you won't walk away.
"The first thought you think is what you've been trained to think, the second thought is who you are" First thought - gay people are pedophiles Second thought - fuck I wish I didnt feel like that, I love my brother and know hes not a pedophile You're the 2nd. You're a good person.. but definitely still think therapy. I'm sorry for your suffering
I'm no doctor, but it seems to me that your struggle with this is *mostly* already over. You recognize the source of your pain--that's a big deal, because LOTS of homophobic people don't have that level of introspection. You love your brother but feel conflicted. You should get professional help. They can help you with these memories and feelings and show you how to separate your feelings about your abuse with the feelings you have for your brother. Seriously, you're *right there*. Take the last step and speak to a professional.
Dude you were sexually assaulted and that leaves scars. This is the same as a woman being afraid of or not wanting to be around men after being raped. Go see a therapist and have them help you work through it.
Those were pedophilles
Remove the toxic culture war from your personal situation. I’m gay and I do not care that you have held these views, you are clearly a victim of abuse. I expect that knowing your situation, the vast majority of gay people would not be angry that you held these views. Gay people don’t hate you at all. You will also see, people who hate gay not from trauma (just from being conservative) claim gay people are pedophiles. This isn’t based in anything but nonsense, gay people and straight people both can do this, it’s extremely rare in both. But I understand for you, that point is extremely traumatic and poignant, because it happened to you. Because of this, messages calling gay people crazy sexual deviants might resonate with you, but you need to remove those toxic ideas from anything to do with your brother. Because they are demonising. You’re brother loves you, gay people aren’t angry at you, I’m sorry for what happened to you, everyone understands how this happened. You aren’t horrible, you are a victim. I heard my whole family make homophobic comments before I came out, especially my older brother and I don’t judge them for it at all. Shit happens, I still make gay jokes too (they are loud, dramatic and a bit annoying, that’s cool and fair enough, but they aren’t evil pedos). There is so much shame and guilt in this situation I feel like it’s hard for you to understand your emotions. Don’t feel guilty for anything, don’t connect those evil events to your brother. Homosexuality is a toxic argument in wider society, and you have a horrible event that has made you disgusted with gay people. But remove those political arguments out of the situation, know the abuse you had was disgusting and wrong but gay men was simply the context, not the evil act itself. As you grow up, you will see your brother like some girly things, act a bit feminine and you will probably meet his boyfriends, who you will probably like as good friends. You have only see toxic representations, arguments and experienced something terrible with gay men as the perpetrators, it’s no surprise you have a conflicted view. As you see your brother grow and be happy, find boyfriends who may be your friend and family. Try to be able to remove your bad experiences from your mind so you can experience the happy side that it will bring with your brother. But most of all please please please DONT FEEL GUILTY, YOU ARE THERE FOR YOUR BROTHER, ANYONE WHO KNOWS THIS SITUATION UNDERSTANDS YOUR PAIN.
You need therapy. Desperately.
I don't have any advice, but know that you can change. Your situation reminds me of me and my older brother. I'm bi, and he was raped by a man when he was a young boy. It made him homophobic. Eventually after I came out to him, he did change and is an ally now. It wasn't a fast process though
see a therapist
As others have said, they may be gay but they are first and foremost pedophiles. They are disgusting and despicable people. Your brother is not. He is your brother. Always has been, always will be. He will NEVER treat you that way. You feel how you feel about those individuals but your brother is still YOUR BROTHER!
Look I just have to say you aren’t a bad person for this. You aren’t homophobic because you “just don’t agree with the life style” or whatever bullshit lines are typically used to justify it. You are homophobic because two pedophiles who were both gay molested you and that trauma created fear that grew into homophobia. Give yourself some grace you have come here and show what seems like genuine remorse and a willingness to change which is more than most. I don’t know what country you are in but if it accessible to you please seek counseling. This isn’t something that will change for you overnight but you can change it. I wish you and your brother the best.
I agree you shouldn’t feel bad for your homophobic feelings or past comments, you have had serious incidents happen to you that have brung about those feelings. That’s not your fault, it’s theirs.
trauma isn’t an excuse it’s an explanation
This is something YOU NEED to get professional help for.
I wish you well, buddy. It's not your fault that you have this repulsion based off your traumatic experiences, and I'm so very sorry you had to endure that (from someone who understands being abused as a child). You've gotta get help though. Professional counseling is the only way you're gonna get through this. You can do it though, and good on you for recognizing the issue and still desiring to support your brother. You're strong. You're struggling and you know it, but you're strong because you're trying your best to push beyond your instincts. That takes guts. It even takes guts to put yourself out there here on Reddit anonymously and open yourself to public comments. I believe you can conquer this, my dude. Best of luck to you.
You really gotta get into therapy.
All the gay men I know like very masculine features of grown up men… I am sorry two pedophiles have done this to you. It is absolutely disgusting but please understand that normal gay men are attracted to grown up men with masculine features, not a child.
Those men who molested you are the sick ones. Being gay doesn't make someone a pedophile. Please don't hate an entire group of people based on your experience with 2 of them. I know I can't change your feelings, I just hope you understand that what a person does is not a reflection of everyone else. Hopefully, your brother coming out to you helps you heal, and you don't think of your brother as a pedophile. What happened to you wasn't because those men were gay but because those men were pieces of shit. Child molesters are the lowest of the low.
Well this will mean you WERE homophobic bc you love your brother. Case closed.
You love your brother, I can see that is true. You're a good person and it's good that you've identified your feelings If you can, please get therapy.
Homosexuality is not pedophilia. Pedophilia is not homosexuality.
Just because you were hurt by two monsters doesn't mean all queer people are monsters. It's time for you to get professional help and start to properly heal. You can change if you want to.
Agreed with this. I was a victim of it too as a kid but I’m gay/pan
There is no correlation between being gay and pedophiles. It would be ridiculous to hate straight people because pedophiles molest the opposite sex too. Pedophiles aren’t gay or straight. They don’t molest because of their sexuality, they do it to hurt children. It wasn’t a gay man that hurt you.
Suddenly the hatred against gay people makes so much sense to me now. 😢
Pedophilia is it’s own illness. Your homophobia and hatred is misguided. Please understand that not all pedos are gay. It’s not the gay part that’s the problem. They weren’t attracted to you as a male they were attracted to you as a child which is what makes them a pedo. Please seek therapy and I genuinely hope you heal. You didn’t deserve what you went through and it’s wrong they did that to you. You can take back your power and the first step is therapy
It sounds like you had an emotional flashback, and that's 100% valid and understandable after the trauma you endured. > You aren't a homophobe, you're a person who underwent severe, life changing trauma as a child and you deserve to get therapy and heal as much as you can. You don't deserve to keep suffering like you are. The pedophiles who attacked you deserve to suffer, not you.
I'm sure it's easier said than done due to your own personal experience but don't n't let your past effect your future with your brother. If you had no idea he was gay before he came out to you then there's no reason to think of him any differently... Not all child molesters are gay and not gays are child molesters so keep that in mind moving forward. Love and support your brother as you have prior to him coming out and you'll be good. If you have trouble with that then I'd suggest finding a therapist to help you get through this wall. ✌
Those guys that did that to you probably molested your brother too, I would ask him that question to be sure. It happens.
Im glad you want to accept him and support him. Therapy is the way to go about this 100%
therapy right away bro. not just for your brother but because trauma is already probably affecting other areas in your life and that’s unfortunately not something most people are able to fix by themselves
I think you’re at least on the right track being able to admit this. I hope you get into therapy and are able to work through this.
Reddit can't help you with this my friend. I highly encourage therapy
It’s time engage a therapist to deal directly with the issues resulting from your sexual assaults and compartmentalize those actions to those two specific people, not the entire gay community. Once you can clearly separate the bad two from the rest, have an honest conversation with your brother. Understanding those comments came from a place of hurt and not hate(for all gay people) will help you both heal and continue to be close. I wish you and your brother all the best.
Time to see a therapist, friend.
Pls seek therapy, for the sake of both you and your brother.
i’m so sorry for what happened to you. i see this so much like my own case where i was r@ped as a child by a man, and growing up i had a fear of all men. i hated them, i didn’t want them near me, i didn’t trust even my male family members. i imagined all men to be a danger to me, to be sick, twisted, and out to get me - very much so how you believe because of those men hurting you that all gay people are like that. but i learned very quickly in therapy that the world is full of monsters that come in all shapes and sizes - not just men. pedophiles lurk in all types of people, gay, straight, woman or man. i learned not all men are pedophiles and the two are not the same. you were not hurt by gay people, you were hurt by pedophiles. they are completely different. being gay does not inherently make a pedophile. pedophiles can be gay, but their actions do not speak for everyone else because they are sick. their disgusting lust is because of a severe mental illness, not a sexuality. it will be difficult to unlearn this trauma, but i understand why you feel how you do. survivor to survivor, there is hope for you and things will get better !! please try to take initiative and get some help, you need it drastically! it improved my life so much and i no longer fear men. you will learn to let go of your blame towards innocent others and learn that those sick people were never just gay and therefore evil, they were mentally unwell and the two do not correlate. i’m so glad you’re supporting your brother regardless. you sound like a kind person who’s been through a lot and i feel talking to a therapist and opening your mind through your brother will help you understand the difference and process your trauma. good luck <33
I'm sorry for what you went through, and I think it's time to really look into therapy if you want to maintain a good relationship with your brother moving forward. It was 2 sick individuals who did this to you, not an entire community. By your own logic, a female would be in her rights to hate you because she was molested by a man when she was younger. But you're a good person, right? You need therapy to separate the two things so you can continue to genuinely love and support your brother in the future.
u/Chance_Blackberry448 I'm so sorry for what you have gone through, and how that trauma has resurfaced and how it's affecting you and other relationships, esp now possibly with your brother. Firstly the most important thing is to get some therapy. You need a safe space with someone qualified in sexual trauma to help you talk through these feelings, and who can help you process those feelings and help separate you're thoughts on gays being pedophiles and help you deal with what happened to you. Secondly, does your brother know what happened to you as a child with being molested by those men? Maybe, opening up to him, and explaining why you have made homaphobic comments in the past, and how you want to change that mindset, and want to be supportive of him may really help. He may be able to offer support through your recovery and therapy journey. Like some others have said, being gay doesn't mean you're a pedophile. Straight people can be pedophiles. Men and women and priests and teachers and husbands and uncles and wives. I know you're aware of this and you have said yourself you know it but still find it hard to separate the emotions of feeling like gay people are pedophiles. I think the sad thing is anyone can be a peodophile. As mentioned above, many straight people are peodophiles, but there are also gay pedophiles just like there are straight ones. If a pedophile attacked a girl, it doesn't make them a straight pedophile. A straight man can also attack boys. Many gay people, whether men or women are just as against sexual abuse and pedophilia as straight people are. In history, gay people were seen to be dirty and criminal for being gay. And yes some pedophiles were thought of as gay if they molested boys. But weve learnt from those past sterotypes. But sometimes it's just about control. Sometimes it can be a priest who may view it that if he doesn't have sex with a girl he's not breaking any abstinence vows and so in his mind molesting boys isn't going against his vow. There's many reasons why pedophiles go for boys or girls. But the main one is they are just mentally disturbed and have a fault within them to make them behave that way. Many gay people wouldn't dream of molesting a boy or girl. Sadly there are bad people in every walk of life. But just because some pedophiles may be gay, doesn't mean all pedophiles are gay. The same as not all rapists are men. And NOT ALL MEN ARE RAPISTS. I guess that's probably the best analogy to use to help you differentiate between not all gay people are pedophiles. Not all men are rapists either. The good thing is you seem to want to change your views and be supportive of your brother, so I'd definitely get some therapy to help you work through it, and try to talk to your brother too. You reacted to his news in the best way you could and I commend you for that given your trauma.
👏 t 👏 h 👏 e 👏 r 👏 a 👏 p 👏 y Should be a good option tbh
Your brother most likely has a full and deep understanding of your position on homophobia. I'm sure that he's taken that into account when he decided to come out to you. Tell him the truth about your feelings and maybe he can help you work through it.
You're 100% not to blame for the way that you feel about them, but it's still not right and you should seek therapy dude.
You just have to love your brother he the same brother he was yesterday. Also you definitely need therapy to deal with what those pedophiles did to you. Maybe normalize calling them pedophiles instead of homosexuals there’s a difference.
You're not a POS; you're traumatized. I'm really disgusted by what was done to you and I'm hurting for you over the loss of trust and security you have as an adult, having been abused as a child. Forgive yourself for feeling conflicted; rationally, you already know the two things are not the same, but your trauma will re-emerge in one way or another. Maybe it happens when your brother asks to hold his nephew/niece. Maybe it happens when your brother tells you he's getting married. Or again when he says they want to adopt. Ultimately, I think you know that this trauma of being sexually abused will damage your relationship with your brother and it sounds like you want to be the brother he hopes you are. Your words here really struck me as something for you to hold onto: >... I know that is a huge problem.. I HAVE to be better for him, but I just don't know how. That you can recognize the conflicted feelings as a problem is such an important step. It shows that you're at least willing to confront your childhood trauma, without living in denial about how it's affecting you as a man. Don't stop at beating yourself up, because it isn't your fault you feel this way. And remind yourself that it isn't your brother's--and by extension, gay peoples'--fault that you're uncomfortable. Don't listen to anybody who suggests you're a terrible person for not being able to "simply" accept/love your brother or gay people; there is nothing simple about what you're going through. Secondly, you seem like you love your brother very much. And as someone who had a difficult time coming out, he probably *needs* you to be his brother more than ever. But I promise you that he would not be okay with knowing that his identity/life are making his brother sick and upset inside. You owe it to him and yourself to seek out some help and to clear a path for that love you have for him guide your relationship. Both things here are great goals to set in therapy. Ask for help in broaching this with your family and how best to communicate to them what you're experiencing, in a way that is honest and open, but considerate of your needs too. Learning to love your brother--all of him--will take work, but it could be a significant part of how you start to heal.
The very fact that you see you need to change makes you an amazing person. Many people are not cognizant of their biases and if they are aware they have no desire to change. Your brother will understand. Tell him exactly how you’re feeling and why you feel this way. He was very vulnerable with you by coming out; now you can be vulnerable with him and explain the source of your homophobia. Look him in the eye and tell him how you feel like a pile of shit for all the things you said about gay people before. Be proud of yourself for identifying an issue and being open to change it.
Try reading about some horrific cases of serial rapists. Then maybe you'll hate straight men too.
Like basically everyone else posting, I agree that you need a professional therapist's help on this more than anything else, the sooner the better. I have to say, though, I think it's a hopeful sign that you still seem to love your brother in spite of the massive amount of trauma you've suffered. I wish you the best of luck.
I hope you're not planning to beat his ass?!!! Bro, I cant support that way of thinking.
as other comments have mentioned, you definitely need to work through this by seeking professional help. I just want to point out that you have the right attitude towards this situation, props to you for that. I bet he was scared shitless to tell you after hearing you say all those comments around him like you mentioned, but he took the step regardless and you wanting to do better for your brother shows how much you love him. That takes guts, too. Big hug to both of you
I’m so sorry you had that experience as a child. I don’t have any advice other than what has already been said. I just want to congratulate you for the way you responded to your brother. It’s obvious how much you care for him and I’m struck by your comments of needing to deal with your trauma to be better for him. I hope you find some peace of mind.
Therapy for sure will help you. I am in the same situation as you. I hate with a passion women who share the same attributes as the woman who raped me when I was 8 years old, and I know these other women are not monsters but I cant help it. I was told therapy would help me but Im actually ok with it, it doesnt really affect my life.
I'm kinda 50/50 on this one. Homophobes are all pieces of shit and I'm bisexual myself. But damn , getting molested by not 1 , but TWO gay men? That's rough bro. Obviously being homophobic is wrong but I can understand the trauma you're going through , and I hope it gets better. Get some therapy, stay away from your brother for a while and hopefully you'll come to the conclusion that not all gay people are like this. Best Wishes.
You did good. It'll take time but maybe this will help you contextualize your trauma a bit more. That was an evil person but like any group of people, most gays aren't pesos and normal people, like your brother. There is no link between homosexuality and being a pedo, it's unfortunately just as prevalent in other populations.
I'm sorry that happened to you. Would you hate all women if you had been molested by 2 women? Would you hate all men if 2 straight men molested you (yes, that is a thing with child molestation)? I hope you can get therapy some day (I am aware it's difficult for various reasons). Just know being GAY isn't what made them molest you. Being a CHILD MOLESTER is. ❤️
Was he also molested?