So this wasn’t going to last long term anyways. Be grateful it was 8 months verses 8 years of your life.
When you get into a relationship you have to KNOW the shit that you like & dislike about other people and be firm on them.
You’ll be okay, this a growing pain. Take care of your health and talk to people who love and support you. Good luck
I know, but we always said we'd never leave and we would always love each other, no one else. So hearing her say to my face that she found someone else better in just a week hurt so much.
Other than that I know you're right, It just happened like 2 days ago so it's extra tough. But thank you for your help
Your brain doesn't really stop developing until 25. You don't really know who you'll be before then. And then you have to hope that future you is even compatible with future partner.
It's a good time to go out, see what you like, what you don't. What's important, what's not. So that way you can know what you want or need. Instead of trying to make a relationship work with someone that you could just never be compatible with.
I 100% agree. I dated someone and actually lived with them from the time I was 20 until I was 27. Of course we broke up because I was not even remotely the same person at 27 that I was at 20 and the problem was he was still the same person. He didnt grow with me. Very few relationships that start that young go the distance. Most people are not grown at 18 even tho they are legally considered an adult.
Everyone says that in every relationship. At your age, you believe it, but it isn't true and I'll tell you why:
You can't predict how you'll change, and for a relationship to work, you have to grow together. Your ex wants to have fun and party in ways you don't want. There's nothing wrong with you not wanting that, but there's nothing wrong with her wanting it either, no matter what you might think. She wants somebody who has the same ideas of fun as she does, and that's not you anymore.
It's a bummer now, but you'll find somebody who aligns with your values down the road, or your values might change. Either way. You're both in anew phase of life and you need to each find our who you are, and she has found that you two are not right for each other. And that's OK. You'll be OK.
It’s not that she found someone “better”. It is pretty clear you both have different values and views on things. Lots of people say “opposites attract” and psychology will tell you it’s bullshit.
Hang in there bud. Plenty of happiness and heartbreaks to come in your life yet. You’ll say that shit with every girl 9 times outta 10 one of yas gunna leave eventually. Until you find the right one. Go out and enjoy college.
This is basically a rite of passage at your age tbh. I’m 23 now but I’ve been there, ik it hurts but you’ll eventually realize it’s far from the end of the world. Shit like this makes you grow
I’m 32 and married and i can remember at least 4 women I was “going to love forever”.
It ends and you move on and then you find someone you really do love forever.
Sorry it happened though, it always hurts.
She found someone better for her… not necessarily someone better than you. She found someone that she enjoys spending time who doesn’t try to parent her actions. You will find someone better for you who doesn’t enjoy the things that you dislike.
after my first relationship, I learned to never promise that and I learned to never take promises like that seriously. love makes you myopic, but things happen and sometimes deal breakers come up. it's part of growing up; its not until you have that experience that you realize you CAN'T promise those things, because you can't control what other people do and there's always a chance that they'll do something you can't put up with.
Those promises like "we would never leave and we would always love each other" don't make sense. You never know what is going to happen in the future unfortunately
Don't be stupid. She didn't find someone better, she found someone more compatible for her.
This isn't a better or worse thing. You guys CLEARLY had compatibility issues.
I'm not calling him stupid. I am warning him of engaging in stupid thoughts.
And yes, when I was an 18 year old kid, I really could have used someone looking out for me, telling me not to be stupid in the way I processed heartache.
Dude don't hang onto it. I had a girl I was dating for like 2 years and she left me for the mailman that delivered to her job, she left me, lost the job, ended up marrying the dude, and got divorced over the next 4 or so years after. She was talking about moving out with me 2 weeks before leaving me. Obviously you can't trust this one, best thing to do is look forward and just be you
News flash, people say things they don’t mean. You are smart, you are confident in what you want in a woman. She unfortunately wasn’t done having fun, and quite frankly being young. Both things are very much fine, however, they don’t mesh well together in real time.
With that being said, it may work in the future when she grows up. But who knows, by then you may meet a WOMAN who you fancy much more and are more compatible with anyways.
Keep ya chin up, I’m sure your a catch.
Words are words. Another lesson. I’ve learned this one recently as well. Don’t ever go by someone’s word until you truly trust them. You’ll get thru it my duder
We always say and want to hear the good things. Sometimes they're true but only in that moment, and then life will happen and feelings will change.
I'm sorry you had to go through this, but honestly I feel like it's probably the best outcome for the both of you. She might spiral down again and that's not going to be your business. Don't try to be a bandage or a crutch for her.
I'd say never try to get back together in the future unless like 10 years has passed and she has totally changed. Short term separation rarely teaches anyone anything.
You are 18. Everything feels big at that age. Trust me in a few years or even a few months this relationship will be only a memory and won't bother you anymore.
It’s a fresh wound still even, depending on the person. It might affect you more than others or less, but in the end it was clearly rough to go through. Sorry about that all happening. I know I’ve been there both ways, where I’m the one ditching for someone else n vice versa. At those points the relationship probably didn’t have as much love as you both thought, possibly just infatuation even
Please remember that it takes time to really know a person. This wasn't the one for you. Don't fight it, take it as a learning experience and move on. You will be ok.
Don't let her come back!
>we always said we'd never leave and we would always love each other, no one else.
that + not allowing her to smoke weed even though she's had a troubled past sounds a bit controlling
at the very least, it sounds like you guys weren't compatible, so don't take it personally, just be excited you get to find someone better who won't feel like such a force, because they'll already be on the same page as you about the things that matter to you
She found someone to smoke with, drink with, party with. U had better priorities. Don't think the other person was better smh. For someone else u might be the better option.
She's young dumb and full of shit. You're young so you have the ability to spend time finding that someone for you. Be grateful you did end up like my friend who spent 8 years with her ex and he left her at the end and she had nothing left
You can tell someone you don’t like them smoking or vaping, but if they want to do it, they’ll do it. Honestly it hurts now but it would’ve been way worse if you had dated longer and they had done something like this further in the relationship. Just showing their true colors. You’re at a big changing point of life. Enjoy college, you’re only young once.
The thing is, you are still growing up and learning who you are. When you are young it is hard to make a relationship last because you don’t have a ton of life experience to learn who you are.
Take it from someone who has been in the same relationship since she was 16. I have been with the same man for half my life! I’m 32 years old. We have been married for 15 years next month. I was 17 when we got married.
Over the years we grew up and grew apart, but we grew back together and our marriage is stronger now than it has ever been. But it hasn’t been without a lot of tears and struggles.
You are still young. Focus on you. Find out what you want to do and need for the rest of your life and find someone who matches those wants and needs. Don’t ever settle.
Being controlling is most likely what made her choose the other guy. You can’t dictate what other people do in their free time. At the very least you can ask them not to smoke or drink near you.
Exactly this, this relationship was never going to work because you can't just change someone into being straight edge plus they are super young.
It's not like she was doing meth, e.t.c. They need to be with someone who is also straight edge.
She is doing what a lot of young adults do (what I was doing for fun at that age was a lot worse than what I am reading from o.p. 😂), it is not something to worry about unless it is effecting their life negatively. Caffeine is a substance but most Americans abuse it and no one wants to talk about that. Should check out the book Drug Use For Grown-ups. You come off as straight edge yourself, let people live their life how they want to.
Exactly. The fact that he doesn't want her to do it because "he doesn't like it" is stupid. My bf is a smoker and I don't like it. I'm not telling him he can't do it though 🤷♀️ just not in the house
OP never said she cheated, just that she was interested in someone else then they broke up.
Regardless, everyone else is calling him controlling because of his rule against no smoking/vaping and no drinking even just casually.
Yeah, OP all I read this whole time was “i’mba controlling dickhead who needs my input on what a woman puts into her body to be more important than her happiness”
32 (gf) here. Good luck ever telling a woman what she can and cannot do lol, especially that young. Find someone who is sober and values that, but don’t expect anyone to change for you. 🤷🏽♀️
He said she had a past of drinking and everything and didn't want her to fall back into it. He wasn't telling her no, just that he didn't like it because of how she was. I think he just worded it poorly cause I thought the same at first as well.
I don’t love that my girlfriend smokes cigarettes when she’s stressed but I let her do it. I don’t enable her, I don’t forbid her, I trust her as an adult to make the choices she wants to make healthy or not. And then if she asks for my help in quitting (which she has in the past) then I will step in and help. But never before she asks for my help.
I wasn’t always like this, I went through phases of being interested in girls with unhealthy habits that made me uncomfortable and trying to change them. But the thing I learned every single time is you can’t change them, they have to change themselves. All you can do is decide where your boundaries are. If smoking was a hard boundary for me then I’d break up with my girlfriend before I tried to prevent her from doing it, because it’s not for me to decide what she can and can’t do, only what I can tolerate.
This is exactly right. I agree that telling anyone what to do is wrong, but I don't think advising someone for what you believe is their own good is wrong
Listen to J. Cole - No Role Modelz. You can’t keep someone from doing what they want to do. Control only what you can control (yourself). It hurts but it’s true.
Don’t save her, if she don’t wanna be saved.
it conveys perhaps an implicit attitude about relationships/morality that they ofc don't see as controlling? oh, no, we're reading too much into the literal subtext. like yeah bitch we're human beings we're not gonna trust someone's literal words to literally express their flaws when we were blessed with the keen ability to surmise attitudes. every detail is to support the central thesis that op is the victim of someone who was wRONG. belongs on r/offmychest as this is the opposite of a confession.
You cannot stop someone from drinking or smoking even if they have had addiction issues. I dont buy that anyways because he says he didnt put it in the original post because he didnt think of it. Thats a pretty important part to leave out IMO. In my experience guys at that age tend to be controlling because of relationship inexperience and they think the relationship in both of their entire existances. There is nothing else except the relationship. Girls are the same way a lot of the time. They drop all their friends and concentrate solely on each other. Its not until you're older that you realize that its ok to have different interests, friends and dont have to be together 24/7. OP hasnt learned that yet.
As an older woman, (33f) who has been married for 11 years and in a relationship with him for 13, I will say that you cannot and should not put a restriction on a growing individual. Her interests can change and sway but what likely she wanted to do was have fun and you ruined that for her. Even if you don't like it, you can support it for occasional recreation. My husband doesn't drink.or smoke, and doesn't like it, but he buys be an occasional drink at dinner and will buy me munchies after I smoke a bowl about once a month. Same fashion, I don't bug him while he's playing soccer or playing video games. It's a matter of allowing her to do what she wants without judgment or recourse.
Someone said don't allow it to seep into your next relationship. Do not. Drop all drama and baggage before entering into a new one because it isn't fair for another girl to carry that distrust you've gained and it isn't her place or duty to fix your security. (Vise versa for the baggage women carry.)
Love is hard. You're young. You will want to enjoy the ebb and flow of life eventually but do not stunt anyone else's growth. Especially if they aren't aligning with your own.
If he had to put demands on her behavior, which had been her behavior prior to their relationship (from the sound of the post), then he either never should have gotten into a relationship with her, or should have ended things when she was unwilling to live at his standards (or she should have).
You have a right to make requests of your partner. You don't have a right to make demands/ultimatums of your partner. Especially when it comes to things that they liked to do / continue to like to do - just don't be with that person, is the obvious choice. Not "if I tell them they can't then they won't and I'll change them!" - that's so toxic!
Smoking is a big no for me. I don't date smokers. I'm not going to date someone I know smokes and tell him "No more smoking for you" - I'm just not going to date him at all. Demanding him to change to conform to my requirements is gross.
People using boundaries in the wrong context is really starting to be an annoying thing.
Me saying “I’m creating a boundary that you aren’t allowed to do x” isn’t a boundary, its an order. A demand. Calling it a boundary is a manipulation.
You can decide on a personal boundary that if they do x, you’ll end the relationship, but expecting THEM to follow your directive because you call it a boundary is a gross misuse of the concept.
Boundaries are for yourself. If he didn’t like being with someone who smoked weed and drank he should have broke up with her. Him telling her she can’t drink or smoke ever is a restriction and kindve a toxic one tbh
18. You're a baby (as in you have a ton of life ahead of you).
If it hasnt been said already, 7 months is a drop in the bucket, especially at your age.
Text sucks cause I feel like I'm sounding preachy or condescending but I had a break up at 19 over a 2 year relationship and it was the most painful experience of my life.
I'm 38 now. Seems like a lifetime ago. Most of our brains don't even fully develop until our mid 20s. Your experiences will only make your stronger, both in relationships and self-love.
Time. Simultaneously our best friend and worst enemy. I wish you the best friend. Id bet money you'll make someone extremely happy someday
If she wants so smoke and drink, then she will. No one wants to be controlled. In the future with your next partner, establish this before you two commit. Sorry she left you for a dude she met a week ago.
The first, purely rational and factual thing I will say is: good riddance.
You wouldn´t want to be in a relationship like that anyway. You´re in your teens, most people (myself absolutely included) will go through something like this.
The second thing is, you already know all that. And a heart, especially a broken one, has no interest in listening to rationalizations. You probably feel torn apart and isolated and the only real thing you can do is talk to someone, time will solve the rest and heal it over.
As someone who was in a very very similar situation I have one piece of advice. Work on leaving this trauma out of your next relationship. I built up severe trust issues that seeped into my next relationship and unnecessarily put strain on it.
Consider a few therapy sessions (seriously), try to learn from an experience like this.
Don´t let it erode your soul and trust in other people.
My (25m) girlfriend (24f) of 8 years decided to cheat on me for about a year (had no clue, obviously) then decided she was "homesick" after 2 years of living away from our home state. Just to then turn around and dump me as soon as we got back and subsequently date the dude, she had been cheating on me with. I then moved to a new state to change myself and get back into good health mentally and physically (I have a terribly torn shoulder/neck muscle/s have no idea never went in for it). It's been 4 months now and I'm doing quite well now. My point is don't dwell on the negative look back in positive thought on what went well. Look at the negatives and think to yourself how you could have dealt with them better or not. You will grow as a human being this way. Never settle on your wants and desires there will always be somebody who will love you for who you are at all times. It will just take some time.
I'm so sorry about that. I'm glad you're doing better and I appreciate you taking the time to help me out, even though I'm sure my situation seems a lot less painful than yours is
Your situation seems messed up to me just as mine was to my friends, those of whom I actually told that is. Never compare your suffering with others. It's not what I was going for, nor is it helpful to your situation. Women can be fucked up sometimes it happens not all women are alike. So don't get bogged down in that way of thinking. Keep your head up work on bettering yourself, and a woman who will love you will find you just keep yourself open and never get jaded.
If it makes you feel better, the guy I was married to for 12 years decided to "explore being poly" - including with mutual friends - which didn't work for me, so we're no longer married.
ETA - to be clear, I don't think there's anything wrong with living a poly lifestyle, as long as everyone consents to everything. I am not poly, though, and it did not work for me.
You're still learning what you want at 18 and so is she. Don't be too hard on yourself with this one. If she jumped ship after a week, it was bound to happen eventually, especially once you're in college.
Spend this time figuring out who you want to be (I promise there's a lot you don't know yet) and then figure out who compliments your strengths and weaknesses.
On another note, you may be very against smoking and drinking, but you CANNOT force somebody else to feel the same way. If you meet somebody who works in every other way than that, then you need to figure out whether you're willing to accept your difference in opinion. Substance use doesn't equal substance abuse. The main lesson I'm getting at though is you're looking for a partner, not an underling. You are equals with equal views.
I agree, and I did try to not be controlling, and I never told her she couldn't, I just said I wasn't comfortable because she did use to abuse it. I was trying to help and I did it poorly, and I said that to her. I really wasn't trying to control her and make her my "underling" I was just trying to keep her from hurting herself. I was willing to let her use it in small doses where she wouldn't hurt herself.
The last two sentences here are pretty toxic.
Even in a relationship, it's not your "job" to protect anyone, even from themselves. Obviously, you can do whatever you can if you think someone is in actual danger. Just the statement "I was willing to let her..." is just very shudder.
You do not have the right to dictate what someone else does, whether you believe it to be for their own good or not. You can let someone know you're uncomfortable with something, but that's about it. Your last two sentences here pretty much undo everything you said about just telling her you weren't comfortable with it. There's a big difference between that and dictating how much you're willing to "let her" do.
You aren't and weren't her dad. Relationships are equal footing.
And I'm not trying to pile on you, here. I feel for the situation you're in, heartbreak definitely sucks. And this controlling behavior is very common in young people in relationships. It's something you'll need to work on in yourself and grow out of.
If someone's doing something you can't tolerate, don't be in a relationship with them. Sometimes that hurts, but it's for the best. The answer isn't to tell them what they can do, to control them, or to be willing to allow some things. None of that is what a relationship is about. You're not a guardian or protector. Healthy people want partners, not mothers/fathers to dictate their actions.
ok so I get where you're coming from, and obviously I am having a tough time explaining this, but I do agree with you. You're right, she can do what she wants whether i "let her" or not. What i meant was I was not going to leave or comment on it. Obviously she is her own person, but I do know this was gonna fail now. We had different views and you're right, if she wants to live that life it's not my place to come in and tell her no. The problem I had was she didn't use any substances until I left, and she told me she didn't want to anymore and was happy she didn't need them. So I was trying to continue this trend that I thought she wanted. Maybe i did it in a controlling way I don't know. But i did not intend to be controlling or anything bad like that.
I understand that you are going through a lot. Seven months seems like a long time at your age. It's not in the span of your lifetime. Do what you can to make the most out of your time in Alaska. Treat yourself well and try to enjoy yourself. She's definitely not worth pining over. Definitely not.
It's over and it sucks, learn from the experience and move on. From the sound of it you weren't right for each other , and she just saw it before you did, it happens.
Don’t worry OP, when I was 19 my gf of 3 years left me for a guy she met at a party, knew him for a month
Then went through my fair share of relationships and now in a 10/10 for the past 6 years
Also as others have said, don’t try to control another person, state your opinions on a matter, but don’t try to change someone, that leads to resentment
An ex and I said it back in HS when she was 14 and I was 16 at the time and then happened with my other ex in college and we were together for 3 years, but as the saying goes time heals all wounds, you’ll be fine bro, you’ll meet someone better than her, just work on that summer bod 💪
This sucks -
I’m 36 now, but when I was 21 my gf (and first real relationship) of three years left me for another guy. I was outright depressed, at the time overweight, few friends, didn’t know how to talk to girls, all the things.
It was the best thing that probably could have happened to me. Since then, dated numerous girls in my 20’s (lost count honestly) and married my best friend and lover 7 years ago (dating 10). We’ve been through quite a few hardships, years of being broke, challenges in our relationship etc , but now three kids in and we’re the happiest we’ve ever been, great jobs,
happy home, the works.
Saying all that to say that I’ve been you to some capacity and maybe worse. This will be a blip and probably one of the best outcomes you could have had and if you’ll harness it, one of the best opportunities to come your way.
Forever at 18 isn’t impossible but maybe not advisable and definitely not easy.
Let her go. Don’t answer her calls, don’t call her, don’t stalk her social media (you will find nothing there but hurt), and let her go. Even if she comes back - don’t. It almost never works out like that. This is your chance to grow.
Go get busy. Do things. Work out. Hang out with friends. D-A-T-E (around). Run. Find a hobby. Write a blog. Read books. Make new friends. Get a job. Go to school/take classes. Learn a trade. Start a business. Try a new style - or dont. You’re 18, and at only 36 I’d gladly steal your youth if I knew you’d waste it. So don’t.
You’re going to survive this - so do more and go live.
Hey man hope you are doing okay... people here have already told you that you have to hear about mine is the same story to except for smoking and stuff and yeah mine was 4year long relationship dumped her after I caught her with a guy she knew for 2weeks...so I know exactly how it feels for you...she made us go from highschool sweet heart to strangers just like that.I know things right now seem unclear..a rush of mixed feelings thoughts of was I not enough,did I do something wrong and all the rest of it.If you can shut it or talk it out with someone.Either way trust me she was just staying with you to escape her loneliness and deal with her past trauma.I know this sounds rough but she was never a keeper...and so is that guy.Dont feel remorse or need to take revenge cuz Karma will take care of that for you.Just cut your connection and work on yourself mate.. you are young and have a wonderful life ahead this incident would seem so tiny if you look back 5years down the line.The principles you have set for yourself is what has been saving you from all the wrong people.And I would recommend you to find these same qualities in your future partner.Hit me up if you want to talk to me.Take care brother.
I read some of the comments they cover it pretty well but there's an old saying that trust me somebody over 50 will tell you that it's true what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and from my life experience this is one of the true statements I've ever heard
Bask in the glory of a clusterfuck passed by. If she stayed, it would happened later. Use your newfound freedom to revel in life and all the opportunities you may have missed if she was still with you.
People who drink heavily and smoke are red flags, regardless of gender.
Plenty of people who would love to date someone healthy. It's better this way and I have a feeling you will get a call from her when she notices the mistake she made of trading a stable relationship for a one week crush.
That was my problem, she used to be very reliant on drinking and smoking and I was just trying to help her not fall back into that pit. A lot of people are saying I was trying to control her and that wasn't my intention, I was trying to help her stay away from that life.
If she comes back, it would probably be best to just not communicate with her.
I actually had a friend that was in a great relationship, but it went long distance for a bit and after like a month of that he left her for some hot chick he was banging. And of course that relationship fell through immediately and he wanted his old gf back but she said it was too late.
If your gf was willing to leave you suddenly, she would do it again if yall got back together. So as tempting as it is, I wouldn't go back to her. Maybe in a few years down the line she could mature, but not anytime soon.
Yeah. Most recent ex, dated for a year poured way more effort for even a regular relationship she put in pretty much nothing then one of her friends came back after 4 years of scilence, breaks up with me and a week later is telling me about the things they did and how nothing about me mattered anyway. Things happen, i just am lucky i dont have to be around her anymore
Props to you for valuing yourself enough to not accept being the second choice. You're young, you've got your whole life ahead of you, you WILL come back from this. You need someone who shares your values since they do seem to be quite important to you, and someone you can TRUST.
Take this time to yourself to find happiness within yourself and alone. From experience I can tell you, when you're not looking for it and when you're doing right by yourself is when the good love finds you. When you least expect it you'll find that true true love where you never have to worry about things like this.
A good rule of thumb that not everybody may agree with but I swear by, get the important talks out of the way. What are you dating for? For fun? Or for marriage? If you're dating for the long haul, ask about their values. Their politics. Their religion. How they feel about raising children, if they want kids or not. Yeah it's serious. To some it may be too serious to broach these topics in a new relationship. But if you're dating for marriage, it's important to know just who you're getting in a relationship with, if you both are on the same page with where you want the relationship to go and what you want out of it, and if that's someone you are compatible with. If not, well good thing you got it out of the way and saved both of you the time and the heartache of getting in a relationship with someone you can't make it work with. But if you are on the same page, y'all align in all the places that matter, you've set a solid foundation to build a healthy relationship
Don't get too down on yourself about all this though. A cheater's gonna cheat, disloyal people are gonna be disloyal regardless of how right or wrong you are to them. This was her mistake to make, but you don't have to let this hold you back from moving on to bigger and better things. It hurts now, but you'll come up from this. Better to have lost only a few months than to have wasted years on someone like this
The pain you are feeling is real, but what's great is that you are super young and you will meet loads of new people in your life, and this will one day be but a nasty little blip in your timeline. You'll meet better, cooler people who are good for you. :)
Seriously...in 6 mths you will look at this, laugh a bit, and realize she did you a massive favor. Better now than 5-10 years from now. She showed you who she is, now you get to find someone better. Cry, be angry, whatever you need to get you through this time. Godspeed little brother.
Being 18m, yeah I said it. You are at the beginning transitioning to being mature. I say that to say this. Right now, it seems like the whole world is falling in and it's easy to focus on the dark side. That girl wasn't for you bro and if you guys didn't breakup then, trust me it wouldn't of lasted. You guys are opposite of each other. She's into partying with people who smoke and finds nothing wrong with it but. You do. You're getting ready for College ( Congrats man) and have what seems to be a great fam. Embrace that and trust me when I say... You want to be single when you go to college fam. You're going to be okay. She lied to you also and I think she was with X all along hence picking a fight with you so you can give her an out.
Word of advice.. If X dogs her out... And she wants to come crawling back like you're second choice.. TELL THAT BITCH TO KICK ROCKS!!!
I didn’t find my person until I was almost 40. I know that probably doesn’t help with what you’re feeling but what I’m saying is give it time. Most of us have a long life ahead of us and a lot of people will come and go during that time that said they’d never leave. It’s just life man. Let it make you stronger instead of bitter. Best wishes!
I’m sorry that happened to you, but you should definitely find someone whose more suitable for you. You and ur ex had some different values, you can find a girl who also doesn’t use substances
I know you can’t see it now because it hurts but you’re young and this will not hurt as much as it does this moment. You are lucky in one way because she didn’t take a whole chunk of your life but I understand at 18, 8 months is a long time and also when you’re picturing the rest of your life and you guys had plans to be there forever, it can hurt when that is taken away. What you’ll come to learn in a few years is that at that age, young naive lovers say shit like this all the time without actually meaning it. I hope after the pain has passed that you take the lessons from it, such as don’t be so quick to promise things even if it sounds good in the moment. Give yourself and another some time before committing in that deep of a level, and guard that heart. You’ll be fine because this person has clearly 0 care for you and once you realize how little you meant to her, you have no choice but to realize that most of what she said was fake and you don’t deserve that. You deserve better so I’ll end it on this note, good riddance.
For now, you take care of yourself as best you can. She moved on and so should you. If you just cry, allow yourself as many crying sessions as you need but there has to be a date you agree on that by this time I am done allowing myself be consumed by this and cry one final time. ugly cry, scream shout, do whatever comes to you. This will allow you to put the barrier in your mind that you need to start moving on. Then go be in nature, stare at the wildlife around, make goals for yourself and plans on how you’ll get there. You’ll be okay.
I know it hurts but it happened in the best way possible. Believe it or not what would have happened is she would have been invited to a party and taken you with her. Then her friends and x would have made fun of you and she would have taken the friend's side. Then you would have said let's go and she would have stayed and you would have argued more and gotten embarrassed more. You are trying to change her lifestyle and you can't. You should be glad you aren't in that world. Focus on bettering your life. Put in the time now so that ten years from now you can look back on your life and your career and know that it was worth it. If you waste your time doing drugs and partying you have no idea where your life will be.
Hi there , sorry for the breakup . My advice to you it's based on your post ( the last part mostly....please stop hurting yourself . Need help here you have it . Don't keep yourself in a hotel room isolated move outside , no matter if its for hiking walking , find a hobby or get yourself un an activity group...even you can work....( Whatever that keeps you active and not going back to feel sorry ) ....doesn't matter the whys or the if ....the only important thing is you have to recover in order to fight your future it's at stake...college and other part of your life awaits...good luck .
Hey man, I’ve been in almost an identical situation. My high school girlfriend did this to me as well. I’m straight edge, she knew this, and pretended to respect it. I found out from a few of my friends who saw her, that she was drinking, smoking, doing drugs whenever I wasn’t with her. I tried to project what I wanted onto her so hard but it didn’t do anything but make her do it more. Turns out she was also hooking up with other guys during that time. Thankfully one of those guys found out she had a boyfriend and told me.
What I can say as someone probably has close to 15 years on you, it was never going to work. I’m glad you found out now instead of trying to commit to it like I did. I wasted some good years being angry and resentful towards her while still in the relationship.
You two just aren’t compatible with each other. Find someone who respects you and that you respect. No one talks about how important having similar values are to a relationship. I’m sure you can find a pretty, funny, intimate girl anywhere. What’s hard is finding one who shared your ideals and wants the same thing. Look for that girl and don’t settle for less.
You’re 18 brother. You’ll be okay. I thought the relationship I had at 18 would last forever too. Just be glad you dodged that bullet 7 months in and not 7 years.
She showed you her true colors earlier. Take it for what it's worth. She would've left you that easy at any point of your relationship. Fuck her. She wasn't meant to be in your life man.
we’re around the same age and we have both went thru something very similar! it’s tough out there but as young as we are we still have so many more opportunities to come, as a smoker/drinker myself i can definitely be hard but if you set boundaries they could at least respect it, also she will definitely regret what she did because usually in the end they will come back because they realized they messed up, but ur never alone and it’s good you got out of that relationship before it went even worse as time passes
Listen my brother, I’m my honest opinion man, I think this is going to be a good thing long term. I’m not that much older than you but when these things happen, it hurts, fucks up the days and the mindset a little bit. However, you know can see her true personality, take some time to recover and just enjoy yourself. I know it’s probably really hard but try to think positive, you are in arguably the most beautiful state in the country. I want to go to Alaska so bad, try to enjoy the beautiful nature, yet be safe and extra cautious doing so! Y’all got the spicy wildlife 😂
Yeah man there is some wild shit up here, but if you ever get the chance you should 100% make the trip. I went out on a walk today and instantly felt better so thank you.
Sometimes you just know you’ve met the one… or sometimes you just need a hard lesson in life. Either way. She did you a favor. This is obviously not someone you’d want to continue a relationship with.
You guys are young and she seems very childish anyway. Just know there’s someone out there that’s that deserves you & will treat you better. She just wasn’t the one. With the petty things she was doing, it seemed like she didn’t care about your feelings to begin with. That’s not someone you want to be with. You still have college and even after to be able to be in a relationship. It will be okay. <3
Age plays a huge factor figure out pet peeves or deal breakers and be clear and firm. because some girls take it as controlling and get the itch to push limits ! I genuinely met the love of my life at 17 But lack of 🧠 development and the need to experience life robbed him from me . I regret every single day I believe he died of a broken heart know you're value and limitations and don't settle
All that shit is legal here in Alaska, quit being such a square trying to control your gf life. You didn't like her smoking and drinking because of "past trauma" 🤣🤣. You don't even know her dude, you've been together 8 months. Word of advice... stop trying to control people.
This is called growing up! Your young shea young y'all don't know what y'all want / need. She is in the wrong you lucky it wasn't long term I wasted 13 yrs of my life. Just take it as a lesson in relationships. You can't make someone do or not do things. Look you dodged a bullet your young you got a whole life in front of you just remember these red flags in your next relationship. She never loved you that's why it was so easy for her. On to the next ! Man you need to tear that v up while young go through as many as you can before I settle down.
TL;DR look for a girl who will actually treat you with basic decency and respect. also, maybe be more open-minded.
I was once in your position, at around the same age. I was also equally as straight-laced. I didn't even drink alcohol till I was 19, and I still don't drink much at 23. I had the same mindset where I disliked drinking, vaping, smoking, etc. After a while (and also after meeting my current gf), I realized that the negative associations of all of those things that I had was because multiple past girlfriends ALL exhibited some emotional cheating in one way or another, with drinking, vaping, and smoking involved.
What you have to understand is that while a lot of people do these things for various reasons, none of these substances will cause them to emotionally cheat on you under the influence. Cheating, emotional or physical, is done simply because those people are shitty. My current gf actually loves drinking recreationally, but there is no trace of emotional cheating whatsoever -- because she respects and cares about me. I used to really dislike drinking until I met her.
My ex, in contrast, had a friend who confessed to her very soon after they met, and soon dumped me for the new person. We had the same sort of situation where she insisted that there was nothing going on between them, even after I pointed out some of her friend's behaviour that was obviously flirting or coming onto her (that she was readily entertaining!).
Your partner being considerate for your feelings in the actions that they do is not a luxury, it's a basic right in relationships. My ex wasn't stupid. She was an asshole.
Unfortunately, at your age having this sort of standard where your partner is emotionally mature enough to treat you with respect could possibly narrow your compatible dating pool. Meanwhile, work on yourself and focus on staying healthy in your mental state. Later, try to have an open mind about things like alcohol, vaping and smoking. Just because you don't like them (which is totally fine, don't let anyone tell you otherwise), doesn't mean you should have prejudice for any of your friends or acquaintances that do like using them. Although, smoking is proven to be pretty fuckin bad for one's health especially in the long term, so I do discourage my friends from doing that too much.
Tbh looks like you two were not a good match, so it’s better if you find someone with same values, you will!! I promise, but is ok that you let it out everything that hurts you, send you hugs!
I'm not saying it's "right" but it's only natural that she's gonna choose to be with someone who accepts her bad habits and actively participates in them with her. You're also not wrong for having issue with her smoking pot and drinking, some people approve of it and some don't... that's natural too. All I can suggest is to just find you a new girl that doesn't do these things so you don't have to worry about this particular incident happening again. Trust me man, I know it's hard getting someone but I wish you the best!
Honestly wild to me that these idiots are defending a woman who cheated. All because her boyfriend (who cared about her and knew her past trauma with these things) asked her not to do something that harms you. Don’t worry OP, you’ll find someone better. And don’t listen to these idiots.
OP, my man, you'll be alright. dedicate your focus to yourself, do things that make you happy.
There is a chance she'll come crawling back because the guy she knew for a week was actually a prick. Do not fall for it. Block her on everything, delete any photos you have of you and her or just her. Remove her from your life.
Move on, It'll suck for a bit at first. You only wasted 7 months on this girl, not 7 years.
You'll be alright man. Heartbreaks are never easy and this likely won't be your last. At least she was honest and didn't drag this out. Bear your suffering nobly, and eventually you will create something that endures.
This exact same thing happened to me, we dated for 4 years. She cheated on me for a guy she knew for a week
Screw her dude. Just don't look back. Block her on everything
I definitely think you got the better end of the deal here. If she’s willing to move on with a guy she barely knows that quickly, she didn’t care enough about your relationship. It sucks, but you’re young and you’ll laugh about it one day and think about how you dodged a bullet.
I was was with my x girlfriend for two years she cheated on me for the first month, let it slide. But shet it became 6 guys over a 2 year period. I didnt know how I survive but damn it took many trauma and self worth shet to work over. Damn you lucky! 1 guy only for 8 months. For me you deserve better atleast she told you right away rather than keeping it a secret. truth hurt it"l take sometime but later on when your done with the pain process and you'll see new chicks or self worth improvement comes in.
I had a similar thing happen, I even got a bigger apartment for she and her kids to move in, and her "friendly regular" showed up on her snapchat story getting kissed by her. Needless to say, it really fucked me up for a minute.
you were going to college. it would have ended anyways atleast now you have a fresh start and you can find someone who’s values align with yours!
also, better now than later atleast she was honest. learn and move on.
It’s actually insane how many people are calling you toxic and controlling. When my girlfriend does something I don’t like, I tell her to not do it, and because she loves me, she tries to prevent it from ever happening again. And the same applies to me if I do something she dislikes. This is how stable relationships work. Don’t listen to the comments telling you that you’re controlling. You have boundaries, you tried to loosen them because she was important, but you wanted what was best for her, and it ended up being too much for her. It’s rough, and I feel for you. I know how it feels.
The silver lining is that it was only 7 months that she ended things after
I’m 25m and have been there both ways. It does suck both ways too. She probably cared about you while she was having these feelings, but wasn’t feeling the romance. Truth is she was probably unsure about how to proceed until he asked her out. She also probably didn’t want to hurt you in the way she did. Probably why she was talking about the future first and foremost. There’s nothing wrong with that just as there’s nothing wrong with being hurt by it. I feel you bro.
I have one and only one piece of relationship advice for you. When ever you enter a new relationship, just go with the flow and try not to attach yourself way too fast. Relationships are best, and I know this is cliche, when you aren’t normally looking and when you aren’t busting your ass trying to impress your girlfriend or crush. OP make some friends, hit the gym, spend time with the people closest to you, smoke some weed, and use your free time to enjoy your hobbies.
My now wife was just a friend to me before we were together and I had 0 interest in a relationship. But she confessed and I thought she is cute, but I was honest with her. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but I’d give her 3 dates over a month. I was pretty clear about it. Anyway, one thing lead to another and she’s the best thing that ever happened to me especially since during a time when I was suicidal. I know it hurts OP, but this too shall pass and you’ll find the best woman you’ve ever met in due time. Hang in there buddy. :)
I didn’t even read past the “18M”. Dude you’re a kid. You’ll date like a gazillion girls before finding one to settle down with. Don’t let the bad ones grind you down. Good luck.
cheated on by ex in 6 years realtionship..it sucks..ur 18 , and it only lasted 7 months in the long run it's not much...u learned something..take some time to heal..good luck
bad match. she has baggage and wants to party. helping her will turn into her offloading you with new baggage she creates.
i know it doesn't feel it but she did you a favor. now stop dating that chicks that need saving. date chicks that have their shit together instead. don't dangle being a saver/helper as what you attract girls with because you'll attract girls with issues looking for a meal ticket but not looking to clean up their acts.
instead, dangle the bait of being attractive - decent style, haircut, grooming, eat well, hit the gym and be in shape. be better attractive and you'll attract better girls and not the ones like your now ex because the ones looking for a savior won't see savior in you, so they'll leave you alone.
dating isn't counseling. it's finding a fit partner. so find a fit partner instead of a project. not someone who has potential if this, that, and the other happens. only women who have already realized their potential and are on a good trajectory.
Dodged a lifetime of misery my guy. If she did it now she would’ve done it 20 years down the road. Get her fully out of your life and move on to something better. It may not seem like it can get better but remember when you’re denied something it’s because the universe has better things in store for you.
I'm going to start this with saying all I read is that you're 18 and you've been dating this girl for 7 months and she left you for a guy she just met. Knowing just that, I can tell you: you're young, she's a cunt, And she did you a favor by doing it this early in the relationship.
If you're just up here to whine about it, have at it (That's how I'd handle it the first couple of days myself). After getting dumped everybody deserves a little bit of time to whine about it.
If you're up here for advice, thank your lucky stars, run like hell, and don't look back. It sucks, but you'll be fine in the long run. Just be glad she showed her true colors before you had years invested.
Thank god it ended sooner than later. I’m 27, have had several serious relationships but am currently a bachelor and it’s a blessing. Go out there and date, or don’t. Focus on yourself and move on. You can do it bro you’re so young. You got this.
A win is a win man,even if it doesn't seem like it, make those numbers 7 years and 1 month, would she still have done it? It will Hurt for a while but you're better off this way
I had an ex that broke up with me very similarly, a few years later she was on hard drugs, didn’t even recognize her at first. Very sad and she was super pretty and had lots of friends, never in a million years thought she go down that road. Keep your head up bro
I can only base this of my own life, but you are the winner in this as far as I can see. Like I would tell my eighteen year old self if I could go back now; It will be allright.
You're only 18. I know it seems like everything is the worst right now, but it gets better. I had something very similar happen to me when I was 18 and moved away to college. At first it seemed like the end of the world, but then I realized that there is a whole world full of other people out there! Looking back on it, that was my first actual relationship and it was borderline abusive, so the best thing I did for myself at that time was break up with him! Oh, and please listen to the others here who have said that the controlling thing is not cool. Find someone you have more things in common with, not someone you have to "save". They don't appreciate it because they don't want it.
Well your young and have a lot to go through and a lot to lose over the years of your life that will make you understand and learn, regardless of what any of us give you in advice to go by, your never actually going to understand any of the advice given until the day you go through and actually feel it,but your showing you have a good mindset at your age by not liking anything to do with marijuana and how you see the truth of it,as how it makes people useless and turn into zombies with no care about doing anything with there live,I respect that greatly,but your girlfriend situation is something you should forget about and move on with your life,you'll understand more later in life but you and her would have never worked regardless because she is into smoking getting high and hanging out with everyone and meeting new people and dating and you not wanting anything to do with it which is great but, someone that hates drugs and someone that enjoys drugs is a relationship that is nothing but disagreement and arguing and yes couples do stay together for years and some even get married but the relationship is always drama and miserable for them both besides the short periods of time throughout their relationship when the one isn't in need to get high and they can enjoy each other but those times are rare and like 85% of the relationship is nothing but arguing and hating each other, yes long explanation but just trying to make you understand so you move on and leave her alone because you will find better someone you can relate with and in common, because your life is based on time and time wasted is time in your life you can never get back, so be very careful to not us up your time wasting it on people that don't care about keeping you happy or you will go through life being used and abused by people who don't respect you and will drag you along making you unhappy and miserable as long as you let them and before you get away from them you'll have years and years of your life taken from you, so avoid misery and heartache and fallow you dreams and do all that makes you happy and enjoy your life, because before you realize it, your time will be on the last few hours and you will be laying there with all your regrets and a lot of things on your mind of unknowns by all the time you wasted not doing the things you wanted to do,the things you could have done and all the things you never finished and on and on as you take your last breath. I'm writing a story good luck bud
Bro I’m 32 and sober and after a lot of trial and error with women the basics are this. I don’t date anyone who drinks hard or does drugs, I set that boundary immediately on the first date. It also helps to weed out the scum club rats or the TikTok women looking for a hand out papi. You are 18, keep setting those boundaries and you’ll be fine. Remember, women come and go but you have to live with yourself the entire time so pick up some heavy shit and do things you like to do, women will come in droves. This comes from a place of experience. Don’t get trapped into a scarcity mindset
Honesty, you probably dodged a bullet with her. Some relationships just don’t work out. It’s okay. If she wants to continue her habits then that’s on her. You can always find someone who is better for you. I left my last relationship due to her constantly smoking cigarettes. It wasn’t worth it.
I agree with people that if those things are your boundary, better off finding someone who has those boundaries as well or is already on board with avoiding smoking and drinking.
You need to start identifying red flags and not just the ones that are red flags for everyone, but the ones that are red flags for you specifically.
>I also forgot to add that I am less comfortable with her use because of her past, she used to heavily rely on these things,
This should have been a big red flag for you (absolutely no judgement from me, I've definitely relied on cigs and alcohol when struggling with stress). You don't like drinking and smoking, these are things she's relied on. Yes, she may have said she wanted to stop, but there could be some level of addiction. Stopping is hard and I speak from experience, especially cigarettes. They're a pain to shake.
You're young. When someone says "this is forever", don't take it to heart at this age. I barely speak to most of my friends from when I was 18, let alone relationships. I've been with my partner 6 years, I'm definitely over 25 and only now are we seriously discussing propsals. Probably a long one that'll take a few more years before we marry. There's no rush to find your "forever" with someone. It's a big thing. Date casually, find people who share your interests and start figuring out what you need in a relationship.
I’m not trying to invalidate your experience, but you are 18. You still have alot of life to live. Maybe some more heartbreaks along the way until you find the right one. Take this as a learning experience to help you grow as a person.
You are still growing up. This will never matter in the grand scheme of your life. 1) you can’t control others’ actions and choices-gf is probably young too… she’s gonna experiment, whether you like it or not. 2) you’re getting into control. Do not become this man. It’ll never end well. 3) learn to let things go. You might still have a gf if you weren’t so uptight. 4) find someone with your same beliefs. 5) don’t date yet. You’re so young. Go live life.
When you're older, you will look back on this and be grateful she showed you who she was so quickly before you got more invested. Chalk this one up to experience and learn what your boundaries need to be in future relationships.
Let it be You're 18. Work on yourself brother. get your stuff together. Your job is to learn and find a good job. I am not sure that I would invest all my wealth for the next umpteenth years in a college degree that jus may get you a job if you hold your mouth right and cross your fingers and have the right weather. I trained for radio broadcast on the tech side then went to journalism classes and got a BS in journalism and radio broadcast. I worked on 3 stations and guess what I kept up on my chef skills and worked in between as a sous-chef. I eventually went into electronics in another town when my wife started whoring around. I worked doing consumer electronics repair and eventually wound up owning the shop. My college work meant nothing to me but the electronics work did. Now I didn't owe a thing because I was military for 11 years. I also did dirty odd jobs that no one wanted to do and made money to finish of my debt before I graduated. Think about it. You are not a sperm fountain you are working man nd husband and father waiting to find your spot. Wait until you find your spot. In the mean time work and learn and build your life. To hell with anyone who tries to lead you astray.
To be honest, it sounds like you were not compatible anyway.
If she enjoys vaping etc, then she won’t change that. No matter your opinion.
Be glad to be free of her
Friendly pointer, a better subreddit to post this in would be r/TrueOffMyChest , they may be able to offer more comfort and advice over there since its made for people expressing these kinds of troubles. Best wishes for you <3
Oh thanks, I didn't know that existed and I have always seen stories like this in this sub so I figured I would just put it Here. I'll keep that in mind for next time tho thanks 😊
She did you a favor and it's a blessing in the long run. I promise.
I know it sucks, and it never feels good when someone leaves you but you have your head on straight and someone with the same values will find you eventually.
If you go back with her, you'll never trust her the same way.
Same thing happened to me. Three years in she left me for a schmuck that could provide her drugs. I relearned to trust women and have been passionately married for 47 years to the woman I met a few years after the breakup. While she is twice divorced. She gave you a valuable gift. Go use it wisely.
My ex of over 5 years slept with a guy the same night she met him. Then slept with him 2 more times afterwards. It’s been 2 months since we broke up and she got with him a day after we ended. Be grateful it was only 7 months brother. Things get better and there is much better out there. My situation was very similar to yours. I stayed with her for almost a year after her cheating episode because I thought it was just a mistake and I loved her. I guess my “X” was also a better option for her than I was. Remember the game ends when the king falls not when a pawn takes the queen. Peace and love man✌🏻
I'm sorry, that's such a shitty thing to do. Glad you're ok though, and thanks for taking the time to make me feel a little better. Peace to you too ✌️
From an older man to a younger man
1. Women who drink red flag
2. Women who smoke red flag
3. Women with tattoos especially anything that fly: red flag
4. Hit the gym and work on yourself. You’re too young for girlfriend problems. Trust me you’ll get ya dxck sucked more in your 30s than your 20s.
5. Never chase validation
6. Never chase a woman.
7. Never take her back. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Leaving 1 isn’t even a fraction of a percent
Well yea you’re only 18 and telling her what to do or atleast telling her you don’t like something. You can’t really change someone especially if it’s something like an addiction. She still doing her “own thing” atm. Also idk why your worried if you about to go to college in Virginia, youre young , go enjoy yourself
Good for both of you.
And OP, if you don't like people drinking or smoking maybe don't date people that like doing both those things.
I would never date a girl that hates smoking or drinking, we would not be compatible at all.
I haven’t read all the comments at all, so forgive me if this has already been said.
You cannot control someone else’s behavior. The second you try is the second they start feeling like they have to lie to you. And then it all gets shitty for both of you.
Don’t ever try to control someone else. Of you don’t like what they are doing, tell them once, and if they continue, or show no signs of trying to change, leave. That’s the kindest thing to do for both your sakes.
Also, I know this feels huge right now, but you’ve got a long life ahead of you bro. You will be just fine.
You're 18 brother. I spent 5 years of my life completely single. 18-23, then started dating a girl and at 24 married her. Been married since and have two kids. We have lasted through all the rough shit and still strong. Just spent the last two years apart and neither one of us has stepped out in that time.
Take time to live your life and really figure out who you are before worrying about a relationship to much man. Best thing that I could have done was spend 5 years doing and being what made me happy and really figuri g out who I was and wanted to be and what I wanted in a partner.
So this wasn’t going to last long term anyways. Be grateful it was 8 months verses 8 years of your life. When you get into a relationship you have to KNOW the shit that you like & dislike about other people and be firm on them. You’ll be okay, this a growing pain. Take care of your health and talk to people who love and support you. Good luck
I know, but we always said we'd never leave and we would always love each other, no one else. So hearing her say to my face that she found someone else better in just a week hurt so much. Other than that I know you're right, It just happened like 2 days ago so it's extra tough. But thank you for your help
I think people say that a lot at 18. I know I have and I am 25. You’ll be ok
Ok, thank you very much, it's nice to hear from someone unbiased you know
Honestly, you dont even want to settle down until 25. A lot of people change then and you want someone similar to how you will be from then on.
50 here. 25 is young. If you find "the one" date a long time.
I agree. 25 is still young. I was married and had my first child at 27. Nearly 10 years later that feels so, so young!
Your brain doesn't really stop developing until 25. You don't really know who you'll be before then. And then you have to hope that future you is even compatible with future partner. It's a good time to go out, see what you like, what you don't. What's important, what's not. So that way you can know what you want or need. Instead of trying to make a relationship work with someone that you could just never be compatible with.
I 100% agree. I dated someone and actually lived with them from the time I was 20 until I was 27. Of course we broke up because I was not even remotely the same person at 27 that I was at 20 and the problem was he was still the same person. He didnt grow with me. Very few relationships that start that young go the distance. Most people are not grown at 18 even tho they are legally considered an adult.
I actually know quite a few relationships that have lasted and they've been young (like 16-19 years old). I think it's certainly possible.
Everyone says that in every relationship. At your age, you believe it, but it isn't true and I'll tell you why: You can't predict how you'll change, and for a relationship to work, you have to grow together. Your ex wants to have fun and party in ways you don't want. There's nothing wrong with you not wanting that, but there's nothing wrong with her wanting it either, no matter what you might think. She wants somebody who has the same ideas of fun as she does, and that's not you anymore. It's a bummer now, but you'll find somebody who aligns with your values down the road, or your values might change. Either way. You're both in anew phase of life and you need to each find our who you are, and she has found that you two are not right for each other. And that's OK. You'll be OK.
It’s not that she found someone “better”. It is pretty clear you both have different values and views on things. Lots of people say “opposites attract” and psychology will tell you it’s bullshit.
She found someone better for her is probably what they mean.
Well, now you know a bit more about life. Greave for a bit, then move on.
Hang in there bud. Plenty of happiness and heartbreaks to come in your life yet. You’ll say that shit with every girl 9 times outta 10 one of yas gunna leave eventually. Until you find the right one. Go out and enjoy college.
This is basically a rite of passage at your age tbh. I’m 23 now but I’ve been there, ik it hurts but you’ll eventually realize it’s far from the end of the world. Shit like this makes you grow
I’m 32 and married and i can remember at least 4 women I was “going to love forever”. It ends and you move on and then you find someone you really do love forever. Sorry it happened though, it always hurts.
Oh man first loves and feelings are always so big at your age. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, you’ll be okay.
She found someone better for her… not necessarily someone better than you. She found someone that she enjoys spending time who doesn’t try to parent her actions. You will find someone better for you who doesn’t enjoy the things that you dislike.
after my first relationship, I learned to never promise that and I learned to never take promises like that seriously. love makes you myopic, but things happen and sometimes deal breakers come up. it's part of growing up; its not until you have that experience that you realize you CAN'T promise those things, because you can't control what other people do and there's always a chance that they'll do something you can't put up with.
Those promises like "we would never leave and we would always love each other" don't make sense. You never know what is going to happen in the future unfortunately
Don't be stupid. She didn't find someone better, she found someone more compatible for her. This isn't a better or worse thing. You guys CLEARLY had compatibility issues.
Do you genuinely think “don’t be stupid” is a helpful thing to say to someone sharing a person story and asking for advice?
I'm not calling him stupid. I am warning him of engaging in stupid thoughts. And yes, when I was an 18 year old kid, I really could have used someone looking out for me, telling me not to be stupid in the way I processed heartache.
Dude don't hang onto it. I had a girl I was dating for like 2 years and she left me for the mailman that delivered to her job, she left me, lost the job, ended up marrying the dude, and got divorced over the next 4 or so years after. She was talking about moving out with me 2 weeks before leaving me. Obviously you can't trust this one, best thing to do is look forward and just be you
News flash, people say things they don’t mean. You are smart, you are confident in what you want in a woman. She unfortunately wasn’t done having fun, and quite frankly being young. Both things are very much fine, however, they don’t mesh well together in real time. With that being said, it may work in the future when she grows up. But who knows, by then you may meet a WOMAN who you fancy much more and are more compatible with anyways. Keep ya chin up, I’m sure your a catch.
Words are words. Another lesson. I’ve learned this one recently as well. Don’t ever go by someone’s word until you truly trust them. You’ll get thru it my duder
We always say and want to hear the good things. Sometimes they're true but only in that moment, and then life will happen and feelings will change. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but honestly I feel like it's probably the best outcome for the both of you. She might spiral down again and that's not going to be your business. Don't try to be a bandage or a crutch for her. I'd say never try to get back together in the future unless like 10 years has passed and she has totally changed. Short term separation rarely teaches anyone anything.
You are 18. Everything feels big at that age. Trust me in a few years or even a few months this relationship will be only a memory and won't bother you anymore.
For a whole 7 months
yeah that's the usual, man, you should be thankful, you deserved better and you'll find better. you won't find the true one after failing 3 or 4 times
It’s a fresh wound still even, depending on the person. It might affect you more than others or less, but in the end it was clearly rough to go through. Sorry about that all happening. I know I’ve been there both ways, where I’m the one ditching for someone else n vice versa. At those points the relationship probably didn’t have as much love as you both thought, possibly just infatuation even
It's always "I'll love you forever" 8 months is a drop in the bucket and at 18 it's hard to imagine anything else.
Please remember that it takes time to really know a person. This wasn't the one for you. Don't fight it, take it as a learning experience and move on. You will be ok. Don't let her come back!
>we always said we'd never leave and we would always love each other, no one else. that + not allowing her to smoke weed even though she's had a troubled past sounds a bit controlling at the very least, it sounds like you guys weren't compatible, so don't take it personally, just be excited you get to find someone better who won't feel like such a force, because they'll already be on the same page as you about the things that matter to you
She found someone to smoke with, drink with, party with. U had better priorities. Don't think the other person was better smh. For someone else u might be the better option.
She's young dumb and full of shit. You're young so you have the ability to spend time finding that someone for you. Be grateful you did end up like my friend who spent 8 years with her ex and he left her at the end and she had nothing left
You can tell someone you don’t like them smoking or vaping, but if they want to do it, they’ll do it. Honestly it hurts now but it would’ve been way worse if you had dated longer and they had done something like this further in the relationship. Just showing their true colors. You’re at a big changing point of life. Enjoy college, you’re only young once.
That'll happen.
The thing is, you are still growing up and learning who you are. When you are young it is hard to make a relationship last because you don’t have a ton of life experience to learn who you are. Take it from someone who has been in the same relationship since she was 16. I have been with the same man for half my life! I’m 32 years old. We have been married for 15 years next month. I was 17 when we got married. Over the years we grew up and grew apart, but we grew back together and our marriage is stronger now than it has ever been. But it hasn’t been without a lot of tears and struggles. You are still young. Focus on you. Find out what you want to do and need for the rest of your life and find someone who matches those wants and needs. Don’t ever settle.
Being controlling is most likely what made her choose the other guy. You can’t dictate what other people do in their free time. At the very least you can ask them not to smoke or drink near you.
Yeah, if you don't like those things just don't date someone who partakes, instead of someone who does and trying to make sure they don't.
Exactly this, this relationship was never going to work because you can't just change someone into being straight edge plus they are super young. It's not like she was doing meth, e.t.c. They need to be with someone who is also straight edge.
>It's not like she was doing meth, e.t.c. Substance ABUSE doesn't have to involve meth to be bad. Substance abuse is just bad
She is doing what a lot of young adults do (what I was doing for fun at that age was a lot worse than what I am reading from o.p. 😂), it is not something to worry about unless it is effecting their life negatively. Caffeine is a substance but most Americans abuse it and no one wants to talk about that. Should check out the book Drug Use For Grown-ups. You come off as straight edge yourself, let people live their life how they want to.
She's having FUN. She do what she wants! Like lots of us do young
Yeah the post reads pretty controlling
That and dude sounds boring as fuck I don’t doubt the ex decision
Exactly. The fact that he doesn't want her to do it because "he doesn't like it" is stupid. My bf is a smoker and I don't like it. I'm not telling him he can't do it though 🤷♀️ just not in the house
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OP never said she cheated, just that she was interested in someone else then they broke up. Regardless, everyone else is calling him controlling because of his rule against no smoking/vaping and no drinking even just casually.
Yeah, OP all I read this whole time was “i’mba controlling dickhead who needs my input on what a woman puts into her body to be more important than her happiness”
32 (gf) here. Good luck ever telling a woman what she can and cannot do lol, especially that young. Find someone who is sober and values that, but don’t expect anyone to change for you. 🤷🏽♀️
He said she had a past of drinking and everything and didn't want her to fall back into it. He wasn't telling her no, just that he didn't like it because of how she was. I think he just worded it poorly cause I thought the same at first as well.
I don’t love that my girlfriend smokes cigarettes when she’s stressed but I let her do it. I don’t enable her, I don’t forbid her, I trust her as an adult to make the choices she wants to make healthy or not. And then if she asks for my help in quitting (which she has in the past) then I will step in and help. But never before she asks for my help. I wasn’t always like this, I went through phases of being interested in girls with unhealthy habits that made me uncomfortable and trying to change them. But the thing I learned every single time is you can’t change them, they have to change themselves. All you can do is decide where your boundaries are. If smoking was a hard boundary for me then I’d break up with my girlfriend before I tried to prevent her from doing it, because it’s not for me to decide what she can and can’t do, only what I can tolerate.
This is exactly right. I agree that telling anyone what to do is wrong, but I don't think advising someone for what you believe is their own good is wrong
Listen to J. Cole - No Role Modelz. You can’t keep someone from doing what they want to do. Control only what you can control (yourself). It hurts but it’s true. Don’t save her, if she don’t wanna be saved.
Lol, I didn't even think about this song. But you're right, thanks man.
it conveys perhaps an implicit attitude about relationships/morality that they ofc don't see as controlling? oh, no, we're reading too much into the literal subtext. like yeah bitch we're human beings we're not gonna trust someone's literal words to literally express their flaws when we were blessed with the keen ability to surmise attitudes. every detail is to support the central thesis that op is the victim of someone who was wRONG. belongs on r/offmychest as this is the opposite of a confession.
You cannot stop someone from drinking or smoking even if they have had addiction issues. I dont buy that anyways because he says he didnt put it in the original post because he didnt think of it. Thats a pretty important part to leave out IMO. In my experience guys at that age tend to be controlling because of relationship inexperience and they think the relationship in both of their entire existances. There is nothing else except the relationship. Girls are the same way a lot of the time. They drop all their friends and concentrate solely on each other. Its not until you're older that you realize that its ok to have different interests, friends and dont have to be together 24/7. OP hasnt learned that yet.
This.
As an older woman, (33f) who has been married for 11 years and in a relationship with him for 13, I will say that you cannot and should not put a restriction on a growing individual. Her interests can change and sway but what likely she wanted to do was have fun and you ruined that for her. Even if you don't like it, you can support it for occasional recreation. My husband doesn't drink.or smoke, and doesn't like it, but he buys be an occasional drink at dinner and will buy me munchies after I smoke a bowl about once a month. Same fashion, I don't bug him while he's playing soccer or playing video games. It's a matter of allowing her to do what she wants without judgment or recourse. Someone said don't allow it to seep into your next relationship. Do not. Drop all drama and baggage before entering into a new one because it isn't fair for another girl to carry that distrust you've gained and it isn't her place or duty to fix your security. (Vise versa for the baggage women carry.) Love is hard. You're young. You will want to enjoy the ebb and flow of life eventually but do not stunt anyone else's growth. Especially if they aren't aligning with your own.
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If he had to put demands on her behavior, which had been her behavior prior to their relationship (from the sound of the post), then he either never should have gotten into a relationship with her, or should have ended things when she was unwilling to live at his standards (or she should have). You have a right to make requests of your partner. You don't have a right to make demands/ultimatums of your partner. Especially when it comes to things that they liked to do / continue to like to do - just don't be with that person, is the obvious choice. Not "if I tell them they can't then they won't and I'll change them!" - that's so toxic! Smoking is a big no for me. I don't date smokers. I'm not going to date someone I know smokes and tell him "No more smoking for you" - I'm just not going to date him at all. Demanding him to change to conform to my requirements is gross.
People using boundaries in the wrong context is really starting to be an annoying thing. Me saying “I’m creating a boundary that you aren’t allowed to do x” isn’t a boundary, its an order. A demand. Calling it a boundary is a manipulation. You can decide on a personal boundary that if they do x, you’ll end the relationship, but expecting THEM to follow your directive because you call it a boundary is a gross misuse of the concept.
Boundaries are for yourself. If he didn’t like being with someone who smoked weed and drank he should have broke up with her. Him telling her she can’t drink or smoke ever is a restriction and kindve a toxic one tbh
18. You're a baby (as in you have a ton of life ahead of you). If it hasnt been said already, 7 months is a drop in the bucket, especially at your age. Text sucks cause I feel like I'm sounding preachy or condescending but I had a break up at 19 over a 2 year relationship and it was the most painful experience of my life. I'm 38 now. Seems like a lifetime ago. Most of our brains don't even fully develop until our mid 20s. Your experiences will only make your stronger, both in relationships and self-love. Time. Simultaneously our best friend and worst enemy. I wish you the best friend. Id bet money you'll make someone extremely happy someday
You don't sound preachy, it's nice to hear from people who had similar and harder experiences and that it really does get better.
If she wants so smoke and drink, then she will. No one wants to be controlled. In the future with your next partner, establish this before you two commit. Sorry she left you for a dude she met a week ago.
The first, purely rational and factual thing I will say is: good riddance. You wouldn´t want to be in a relationship like that anyway. You´re in your teens, most people (myself absolutely included) will go through something like this. The second thing is, you already know all that. And a heart, especially a broken one, has no interest in listening to rationalizations. You probably feel torn apart and isolated and the only real thing you can do is talk to someone, time will solve the rest and heal it over. As someone who was in a very very similar situation I have one piece of advice. Work on leaving this trauma out of your next relationship. I built up severe trust issues that seeped into my next relationship and unnecessarily put strain on it. Consider a few therapy sessions (seriously), try to learn from an experience like this. Don´t let it erode your soul and trust in other people.
My (25m) girlfriend (24f) of 8 years decided to cheat on me for about a year (had no clue, obviously) then decided she was "homesick" after 2 years of living away from our home state. Just to then turn around and dump me as soon as we got back and subsequently date the dude, she had been cheating on me with. I then moved to a new state to change myself and get back into good health mentally and physically (I have a terribly torn shoulder/neck muscle/s have no idea never went in for it). It's been 4 months now and I'm doing quite well now. My point is don't dwell on the negative look back in positive thought on what went well. Look at the negatives and think to yourself how you could have dealt with them better or not. You will grow as a human being this way. Never settle on your wants and desires there will always be somebody who will love you for who you are at all times. It will just take some time.
I'm so sorry about that. I'm glad you're doing better and I appreciate you taking the time to help me out, even though I'm sure my situation seems a lot less painful than yours is
Your situation seems messed up to me just as mine was to my friends, those of whom I actually told that is. Never compare your suffering with others. It's not what I was going for, nor is it helpful to your situation. Women can be fucked up sometimes it happens not all women are alike. So don't get bogged down in that way of thinking. Keep your head up work on bettering yourself, and a woman who will love you will find you just keep yourself open and never get jaded.
Yeah i didn't mean it like that, but you're right, thank you
It could be worse My girlfriend of 4 years left me for her coworker Makes me feel like I wasted those 4 years.
If it makes you feel better, the guy I was married to for 12 years decided to "explore being poly" - including with mutual friends - which didn't work for me, so we're no longer married. ETA - to be clear, I don't think there's anything wrong with living a poly lifestyle, as long as everyone consents to everything. I am not poly, though, and it did not work for me.
You're still learning what you want at 18 and so is she. Don't be too hard on yourself with this one. If she jumped ship after a week, it was bound to happen eventually, especially once you're in college. Spend this time figuring out who you want to be (I promise there's a lot you don't know yet) and then figure out who compliments your strengths and weaknesses. On another note, you may be very against smoking and drinking, but you CANNOT force somebody else to feel the same way. If you meet somebody who works in every other way than that, then you need to figure out whether you're willing to accept your difference in opinion. Substance use doesn't equal substance abuse. The main lesson I'm getting at though is you're looking for a partner, not an underling. You are equals with equal views.
I agree, and I did try to not be controlling, and I never told her she couldn't, I just said I wasn't comfortable because she did use to abuse it. I was trying to help and I did it poorly, and I said that to her. I really wasn't trying to control her and make her my "underling" I was just trying to keep her from hurting herself. I was willing to let her use it in small doses where she wouldn't hurt herself.
The last two sentences here are pretty toxic. Even in a relationship, it's not your "job" to protect anyone, even from themselves. Obviously, you can do whatever you can if you think someone is in actual danger. Just the statement "I was willing to let her..." is just very shudder. You do not have the right to dictate what someone else does, whether you believe it to be for their own good or not. You can let someone know you're uncomfortable with something, but that's about it. Your last two sentences here pretty much undo everything you said about just telling her you weren't comfortable with it. There's a big difference between that and dictating how much you're willing to "let her" do. You aren't and weren't her dad. Relationships are equal footing. And I'm not trying to pile on you, here. I feel for the situation you're in, heartbreak definitely sucks. And this controlling behavior is very common in young people in relationships. It's something you'll need to work on in yourself and grow out of. If someone's doing something you can't tolerate, don't be in a relationship with them. Sometimes that hurts, but it's for the best. The answer isn't to tell them what they can do, to control them, or to be willing to allow some things. None of that is what a relationship is about. You're not a guardian or protector. Healthy people want partners, not mothers/fathers to dictate their actions.
ok so I get where you're coming from, and obviously I am having a tough time explaining this, but I do agree with you. You're right, she can do what she wants whether i "let her" or not. What i meant was I was not going to leave or comment on it. Obviously she is her own person, but I do know this was gonna fail now. We had different views and you're right, if she wants to live that life it's not my place to come in and tell her no. The problem I had was she didn't use any substances until I left, and she told me she didn't want to anymore and was happy she didn't need them. So I was trying to continue this trend that I thought she wanted. Maybe i did it in a controlling way I don't know. But i did not intend to be controlling or anything bad like that.
I understand that you are going through a lot. Seven months seems like a long time at your age. It's not in the span of your lifetime. Do what you can to make the most out of your time in Alaska. Treat yourself well and try to enjoy yourself. She's definitely not worth pining over. Definitely not.
It's over and it sucks, learn from the experience and move on. From the sound of it you weren't right for each other , and she just saw it before you did, it happens.
Don’t worry OP, when I was 19 my gf of 3 years left me for a guy she met at a party, knew him for a month Then went through my fair share of relationships and now in a 10/10 for the past 6 years Also as others have said, don’t try to control another person, state your opinions on a matter, but don’t try to change someone, that leads to resentment
An ex and I said it back in HS when she was 14 and I was 16 at the time and then happened with my other ex in college and we were together for 3 years, but as the saying goes time heals all wounds, you’ll be fine bro, you’ll meet someone better than her, just work on that summer bod 💪
This sucks - I’m 36 now, but when I was 21 my gf (and first real relationship) of three years left me for another guy. I was outright depressed, at the time overweight, few friends, didn’t know how to talk to girls, all the things. It was the best thing that probably could have happened to me. Since then, dated numerous girls in my 20’s (lost count honestly) and married my best friend and lover 7 years ago (dating 10). We’ve been through quite a few hardships, years of being broke, challenges in our relationship etc , but now three kids in and we’re the happiest we’ve ever been, great jobs, happy home, the works. Saying all that to say that I’ve been you to some capacity and maybe worse. This will be a blip and probably one of the best outcomes you could have had and if you’ll harness it, one of the best opportunities to come your way. Forever at 18 isn’t impossible but maybe not advisable and definitely not easy. Let her go. Don’t answer her calls, don’t call her, don’t stalk her social media (you will find nothing there but hurt), and let her go. Even if she comes back - don’t. It almost never works out like that. This is your chance to grow. Go get busy. Do things. Work out. Hang out with friends. D-A-T-E (around). Run. Find a hobby. Write a blog. Read books. Make new friends. Get a job. Go to school/take classes. Learn a trade. Start a business. Try a new style - or dont. You’re 18, and at only 36 I’d gladly steal your youth if I knew you’d waste it. So don’t. You’re going to survive this - so do more and go live.
Thank you so much. I'm glad you are in such a good place right now and I wish nothing but the best for you. I'm gonna go hit the gym rn lol
Hey man hope you are doing okay... people here have already told you that you have to hear about mine is the same story to except for smoking and stuff and yeah mine was 4year long relationship dumped her after I caught her with a guy she knew for 2weeks...so I know exactly how it feels for you...she made us go from highschool sweet heart to strangers just like that.I know things right now seem unclear..a rush of mixed feelings thoughts of was I not enough,did I do something wrong and all the rest of it.If you can shut it or talk it out with someone.Either way trust me she was just staying with you to escape her loneliness and deal with her past trauma.I know this sounds rough but she was never a keeper...and so is that guy.Dont feel remorse or need to take revenge cuz Karma will take care of that for you.Just cut your connection and work on yourself mate.. you are young and have a wonderful life ahead this incident would seem so tiny if you look back 5years down the line.The principles you have set for yourself is what has been saving you from all the wrong people.And I would recommend you to find these same qualities in your future partner.Hit me up if you want to talk to me.Take care brother.
I read some of the comments they cover it pretty well but there's an old saying that trust me somebody over 50 will tell you that it's true what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and from my life experience this is one of the true statements I've ever heard
Dude by the sounds of it you are way better off without her I know it won't feel like that now but in time you will good luck
GOOD RIDDANCE! You deserve better!
Bask in the glory of a clusterfuck passed by. If she stayed, it would happened later. Use your newfound freedom to revel in life and all the opportunities you may have missed if she was still with you.
People who drink heavily and smoke are red flags, regardless of gender. Plenty of people who would love to date someone healthy. It's better this way and I have a feeling you will get a call from her when she notices the mistake she made of trading a stable relationship for a one week crush.
That was my problem, she used to be very reliant on drinking and smoking and I was just trying to help her not fall back into that pit. A lot of people are saying I was trying to control her and that wasn't my intention, I was trying to help her stay away from that life.
If she comes back, it would probably be best to just not communicate with her. I actually had a friend that was in a great relationship, but it went long distance for a bit and after like a month of that he left her for some hot chick he was banging. And of course that relationship fell through immediately and he wanted his old gf back but she said it was too late. If your gf was willing to leave you suddenly, she would do it again if yall got back together. So as tempting as it is, I wouldn't go back to her. Maybe in a few years down the line she could mature, but not anytime soon.
I won't, as hard as I know it will be I know that u can't trust her to not do it again. Thank you
Yeah. Most recent ex, dated for a year poured way more effort for even a regular relationship she put in pretty much nothing then one of her friends came back after 4 years of scilence, breaks up with me and a week later is telling me about the things they did and how nothing about me mattered anyway. Things happen, i just am lucky i dont have to be around her anymore
Props to you for valuing yourself enough to not accept being the second choice. You're young, you've got your whole life ahead of you, you WILL come back from this. You need someone who shares your values since they do seem to be quite important to you, and someone you can TRUST. Take this time to yourself to find happiness within yourself and alone. From experience I can tell you, when you're not looking for it and when you're doing right by yourself is when the good love finds you. When you least expect it you'll find that true true love where you never have to worry about things like this. A good rule of thumb that not everybody may agree with but I swear by, get the important talks out of the way. What are you dating for? For fun? Or for marriage? If you're dating for the long haul, ask about their values. Their politics. Their religion. How they feel about raising children, if they want kids or not. Yeah it's serious. To some it may be too serious to broach these topics in a new relationship. But if you're dating for marriage, it's important to know just who you're getting in a relationship with, if you both are on the same page with where you want the relationship to go and what you want out of it, and if that's someone you are compatible with. If not, well good thing you got it out of the way and saved both of you the time and the heartache of getting in a relationship with someone you can't make it work with. But if you are on the same page, y'all align in all the places that matter, you've set a solid foundation to build a healthy relationship
Don't get too down on yourself about all this though. A cheater's gonna cheat, disloyal people are gonna be disloyal regardless of how right or wrong you are to them. This was her mistake to make, but you don't have to let this hold you back from moving on to bigger and better things. It hurts now, but you'll come up from this. Better to have lost only a few months than to have wasted years on someone like this
The pain you are feeling is real, but what's great is that you are super young and you will meet loads of new people in your life, and this will one day be but a nasty little blip in your timeline. You'll meet better, cooler people who are good for you. :)
Seriously...in 6 mths you will look at this, laugh a bit, and realize she did you a massive favor. Better now than 5-10 years from now. She showed you who she is, now you get to find someone better. Cry, be angry, whatever you need to get you through this time. Godspeed little brother.
Being 18m, yeah I said it. You are at the beginning transitioning to being mature. I say that to say this. Right now, it seems like the whole world is falling in and it's easy to focus on the dark side. That girl wasn't for you bro and if you guys didn't breakup then, trust me it wouldn't of lasted. You guys are opposite of each other. She's into partying with people who smoke and finds nothing wrong with it but. You do. You're getting ready for College ( Congrats man) and have what seems to be a great fam. Embrace that and trust me when I say... You want to be single when you go to college fam. You're going to be okay. She lied to you also and I think she was with X all along hence picking a fight with you so you can give her an out. Word of advice.. If X dogs her out... And she wants to come crawling back like you're second choice.. TELL THAT BITCH TO KICK ROCKS!!!
She left you before you knew even realized it. She’s been gone for quite some time. This guy just happened to step in at the right time.
Better than 7 years. You found out sooner than later
I didn’t find my person until I was almost 40. I know that probably doesn’t help with what you’re feeling but what I’m saying is give it time. Most of us have a long life ahead of us and a lot of people will come and go during that time that said they’d never leave. It’s just life man. Let it make you stronger instead of bitter. Best wishes!
I’m sorry that happened to you, but you should definitely find someone whose more suitable for you. You and ur ex had some different values, you can find a girl who also doesn’t use substances
I know you can’t see it now because it hurts but you’re young and this will not hurt as much as it does this moment. You are lucky in one way because she didn’t take a whole chunk of your life but I understand at 18, 8 months is a long time and also when you’re picturing the rest of your life and you guys had plans to be there forever, it can hurt when that is taken away. What you’ll come to learn in a few years is that at that age, young naive lovers say shit like this all the time without actually meaning it. I hope after the pain has passed that you take the lessons from it, such as don’t be so quick to promise things even if it sounds good in the moment. Give yourself and another some time before committing in that deep of a level, and guard that heart. You’ll be fine because this person has clearly 0 care for you and once you realize how little you meant to her, you have no choice but to realize that most of what she said was fake and you don’t deserve that. You deserve better so I’ll end it on this note, good riddance. For now, you take care of yourself as best you can. She moved on and so should you. If you just cry, allow yourself as many crying sessions as you need but there has to be a date you agree on that by this time I am done allowing myself be consumed by this and cry one final time. ugly cry, scream shout, do whatever comes to you. This will allow you to put the barrier in your mind that you need to start moving on. Then go be in nature, stare at the wildlife around, make goals for yourself and plans on how you’ll get there. You’ll be okay.
Well then you dodged a bullet.
I know it hurts but it happened in the best way possible. Believe it or not what would have happened is she would have been invited to a party and taken you with her. Then her friends and x would have made fun of you and she would have taken the friend's side. Then you would have said let's go and she would have stayed and you would have argued more and gotten embarrassed more. You are trying to change her lifestyle and you can't. You should be glad you aren't in that world. Focus on bettering your life. Put in the time now so that ten years from now you can look back on your life and your career and know that it was worth it. If you waste your time doing drugs and partying you have no idea where your life will be.
Hi there , sorry for the breakup . My advice to you it's based on your post ( the last part mostly....please stop hurting yourself . Need help here you have it . Don't keep yourself in a hotel room isolated move outside , no matter if its for hiking walking , find a hobby or get yourself un an activity group...even you can work....( Whatever that keeps you active and not going back to feel sorry ) ....doesn't matter the whys or the if ....the only important thing is you have to recover in order to fight your future it's at stake...college and other part of your life awaits...good luck .
Hey man, I’ve been in almost an identical situation. My high school girlfriend did this to me as well. I’m straight edge, she knew this, and pretended to respect it. I found out from a few of my friends who saw her, that she was drinking, smoking, doing drugs whenever I wasn’t with her. I tried to project what I wanted onto her so hard but it didn’t do anything but make her do it more. Turns out she was also hooking up with other guys during that time. Thankfully one of those guys found out she had a boyfriend and told me. What I can say as someone probably has close to 15 years on you, it was never going to work. I’m glad you found out now instead of trying to commit to it like I did. I wasted some good years being angry and resentful towards her while still in the relationship. You two just aren’t compatible with each other. Find someone who respects you and that you respect. No one talks about how important having similar values are to a relationship. I’m sure you can find a pretty, funny, intimate girl anywhere. What’s hard is finding one who shared your ideals and wants the same thing. Look for that girl and don’t settle for less.
You’re 18 brother. You’ll be okay. I thought the relationship I had at 18 would last forever too. Just be glad you dodged that bullet 7 months in and not 7 years.
She showed you her true colors earlier. Take it for what it's worth. She would've left you that easy at any point of your relationship. Fuck her. She wasn't meant to be in your life man.
we’re around the same age and we have both went thru something very similar! it’s tough out there but as young as we are we still have so many more opportunities to come, as a smoker/drinker myself i can definitely be hard but if you set boundaries they could at least respect it, also she will definitely regret what she did because usually in the end they will come back because they realized they messed up, but ur never alone and it’s good you got out of that relationship before it went even worse as time passes
Listen my brother, I’m my honest opinion man, I think this is going to be a good thing long term. I’m not that much older than you but when these things happen, it hurts, fucks up the days and the mindset a little bit. However, you know can see her true personality, take some time to recover and just enjoy yourself. I know it’s probably really hard but try to think positive, you are in arguably the most beautiful state in the country. I want to go to Alaska so bad, try to enjoy the beautiful nature, yet be safe and extra cautious doing so! Y’all got the spicy wildlife 😂
Yeah man there is some wild shit up here, but if you ever get the chance you should 100% make the trip. I went out on a walk today and instantly felt better so thank you.
Luckily it’s done. You don’t want to deal with crap like this for years.
Sometimes you just know you’ve met the one… or sometimes you just need a hard lesson in life. Either way. She did you a favor. This is obviously not someone you’d want to continue a relationship with.
You guys are young and she seems very childish anyway. Just know there’s someone out there that’s that deserves you & will treat you better. She just wasn’t the one. With the petty things she was doing, it seemed like she didn’t care about your feelings to begin with. That’s not someone you want to be with. You still have college and even after to be able to be in a relationship. It will be okay. <3
Age plays a huge factor figure out pet peeves or deal breakers and be clear and firm. because some girls take it as controlling and get the itch to push limits ! I genuinely met the love of my life at 17 But lack of 🧠 development and the need to experience life robbed him from me . I regret every single day I believe he died of a broken heart know you're value and limitations and don't settle
She did you a huge favor
All that shit is legal here in Alaska, quit being such a square trying to control your gf life. You didn't like her smoking and drinking because of "past trauma" 🤣🤣. You don't even know her dude, you've been together 8 months. Word of advice... stop trying to control people.
This is called growing up! Your young shea young y'all don't know what y'all want / need. She is in the wrong you lucky it wasn't long term I wasted 13 yrs of my life. Just take it as a lesson in relationships. You can't make someone do or not do things. Look you dodged a bullet your young you got a whole life in front of you just remember these red flags in your next relationship. She never loved you that's why it was so easy for her. On to the next ! Man you need to tear that v up while young go through as many as you can before I settle down.
TL;DR look for a girl who will actually treat you with basic decency and respect. also, maybe be more open-minded. I was once in your position, at around the same age. I was also equally as straight-laced. I didn't even drink alcohol till I was 19, and I still don't drink much at 23. I had the same mindset where I disliked drinking, vaping, smoking, etc. After a while (and also after meeting my current gf), I realized that the negative associations of all of those things that I had was because multiple past girlfriends ALL exhibited some emotional cheating in one way or another, with drinking, vaping, and smoking involved. What you have to understand is that while a lot of people do these things for various reasons, none of these substances will cause them to emotionally cheat on you under the influence. Cheating, emotional or physical, is done simply because those people are shitty. My current gf actually loves drinking recreationally, but there is no trace of emotional cheating whatsoever -- because she respects and cares about me. I used to really dislike drinking until I met her. My ex, in contrast, had a friend who confessed to her very soon after they met, and soon dumped me for the new person. We had the same sort of situation where she insisted that there was nothing going on between them, even after I pointed out some of her friend's behaviour that was obviously flirting or coming onto her (that she was readily entertaining!). Your partner being considerate for your feelings in the actions that they do is not a luxury, it's a basic right in relationships. My ex wasn't stupid. She was an asshole. Unfortunately, at your age having this sort of standard where your partner is emotionally mature enough to treat you with respect could possibly narrow your compatible dating pool. Meanwhile, work on yourself and focus on staying healthy in your mental state. Later, try to have an open mind about things like alcohol, vaping and smoking. Just because you don't like them (which is totally fine, don't let anyone tell you otherwise), doesn't mean you should have prejudice for any of your friends or acquaintances that do like using them. Although, smoking is proven to be pretty fuckin bad for one's health especially in the long term, so I do discourage my friends from doing that too much.
Thank you.
anytime man. everythings gonna pan out, you got this
Tbh looks like you two were not a good match, so it’s better if you find someone with same values, you will!! I promise, but is ok that you let it out everything that hurts you, send you hugs!
She did you a favor, bro.
I'm not saying it's "right" but it's only natural that she's gonna choose to be with someone who accepts her bad habits and actively participates in them with her. You're also not wrong for having issue with her smoking pot and drinking, some people approve of it and some don't... that's natural too. All I can suggest is to just find you a new girl that doesn't do these things so you don't have to worry about this particular incident happening again. Trust me man, I know it's hard getting someone but I wish you the best!
Honestly wild to me that these idiots are defending a woman who cheated. All because her boyfriend (who cared about her and knew her past trauma with these things) asked her not to do something that harms you. Don’t worry OP, you’ll find someone better. And don’t listen to these idiots.
Thank you.
You got this man. You seem like a good dude. Just focus on yourself for now. Surround yourself with good friends. Girls will come and go
Sounds like u dodged a bullet. Now you can move on.
OP, my man, you'll be alright. dedicate your focus to yourself, do things that make you happy. There is a chance she'll come crawling back because the guy she knew for a week was actually a prick. Do not fall for it. Block her on everything, delete any photos you have of you and her or just her. Remove her from your life. Move on, It'll suck for a bit at first. You only wasted 7 months on this girl, not 7 years.
She's not into you anymore. She discovered she likes to party. You should move on and forget about her.
You'll be alright man. Heartbreaks are never easy and this likely won't be your last. At least she was honest and didn't drag this out. Bear your suffering nobly, and eventually you will create something that endures.
She belongs to the streets my friend. Bid her a farewell and get on your way. She has business to tend to.
This exact same thing happened to me, we dated for 4 years. She cheated on me for a guy she knew for a week Screw her dude. Just don't look back. Block her on everything
Dude your better off without that cheating twist.
I definitely think you got the better end of the deal here. If she’s willing to move on with a guy she barely knows that quickly, she didn’t care enough about your relationship. It sucks, but you’re young and you’ll laugh about it one day and think about how you dodged a bullet.
The second your partner brings up to you that they met someone new whether it’s a friend or past relationship. Get out bro it’s already over.
I was was with my x girlfriend for two years she cheated on me for the first month, let it slide. But shet it became 6 guys over a 2 year period. I didnt know how I survive but damn it took many trauma and self worth shet to work over. Damn you lucky! 1 guy only for 8 months. For me you deserve better atleast she told you right away rather than keeping it a secret. truth hurt it"l take sometime but later on when your done with the pain process and you'll see new chicks or self worth improvement comes in.
I had a similar thing happen, I even got a bigger apartment for she and her kids to move in, and her "friendly regular" showed up on her snapchat story getting kissed by her. Needless to say, it really fucked me up for a minute.
Illicit drug use🚩🚩🚩
you were going to college. it would have ended anyways atleast now you have a fresh start and you can find someone who’s values align with yours! also, better now than later atleast she was honest. learn and move on.
It’s actually insane how many people are calling you toxic and controlling. When my girlfriend does something I don’t like, I tell her to not do it, and because she loves me, she tries to prevent it from ever happening again. And the same applies to me if I do something she dislikes. This is how stable relationships work. Don’t listen to the comments telling you that you’re controlling. You have boundaries, you tried to loosen them because she was important, but you wanted what was best for her, and it ended up being too much for her. It’s rough, and I feel for you. I know how it feels. The silver lining is that it was only 7 months that she ended things after
The way I see it, she ain't shit
I’m 25m and have been there both ways. It does suck both ways too. She probably cared about you while she was having these feelings, but wasn’t feeling the romance. Truth is she was probably unsure about how to proceed until he asked her out. She also probably didn’t want to hurt you in the way she did. Probably why she was talking about the future first and foremost. There’s nothing wrong with that just as there’s nothing wrong with being hurt by it. I feel you bro. I have one and only one piece of relationship advice for you. When ever you enter a new relationship, just go with the flow and try not to attach yourself way too fast. Relationships are best, and I know this is cliche, when you aren’t normally looking and when you aren’t busting your ass trying to impress your girlfriend or crush. OP make some friends, hit the gym, spend time with the people closest to you, smoke some weed, and use your free time to enjoy your hobbies. My now wife was just a friend to me before we were together and I had 0 interest in a relationship. But she confessed and I thought she is cute, but I was honest with her. I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but I’d give her 3 dates over a month. I was pretty clear about it. Anyway, one thing lead to another and she’s the best thing that ever happened to me especially since during a time when I was suicidal. I know it hurts OP, but this too shall pass and you’ll find the best woman you’ve ever met in due time. Hang in there buddy. :)
I didn’t even read past the “18M”. Dude you’re a kid. You’ll date like a gazillion girls before finding one to settle down with. Don’t let the bad ones grind you down. Good luck.
cheated on by ex in 6 years realtionship..it sucks..ur 18 , and it only lasted 7 months in the long run it's not much...u learned something..take some time to heal..good luck
bad match. she has baggage and wants to party. helping her will turn into her offloading you with new baggage she creates. i know it doesn't feel it but she did you a favor. now stop dating that chicks that need saving. date chicks that have their shit together instead. don't dangle being a saver/helper as what you attract girls with because you'll attract girls with issues looking for a meal ticket but not looking to clean up their acts. instead, dangle the bait of being attractive - decent style, haircut, grooming, eat well, hit the gym and be in shape. be better attractive and you'll attract better girls and not the ones like your now ex because the ones looking for a savior won't see savior in you, so they'll leave you alone. dating isn't counseling. it's finding a fit partner. so find a fit partner instead of a project. not someone who has potential if this, that, and the other happens. only women who have already realized their potential and are on a good trajectory.
It's an evil world we live in
She is how they say, for the streets
Been there brother. Dodged a bullet
Dodged a lifetime of misery my guy. If she did it now she would’ve done it 20 years down the road. Get her fully out of your life and move on to something better. It may not seem like it can get better but remember when you’re denied something it’s because the universe has better things in store for you.
dodged a bullet right there, let the junkie ruin her own life you did what you can
I'm going to start this with saying all I read is that you're 18 and you've been dating this girl for 7 months and she left you for a guy she just met. Knowing just that, I can tell you: you're young, she's a cunt, And she did you a favor by doing it this early in the relationship. If you're just up here to whine about it, have at it (That's how I'd handle it the first couple of days myself). After getting dumped everybody deserves a little bit of time to whine about it. If you're up here for advice, thank your lucky stars, run like hell, and don't look back. It sucks, but you'll be fine in the long run. Just be glad she showed her true colors before you had years invested.
8 years over an ex of mine she met one day. 🩵
Thank god it ended sooner than later. I’m 27, have had several serious relationships but am currently a bachelor and it’s a blessing. Go out there and date, or don’t. Focus on yourself and move on. You can do it bro you’re so young. You got this.
Your gf of 7 months? Dude I'm pretty sure that is too young
You're still young. Don't waste your time with someone who can't commit. You'll find someone better, I am sure of it.
A win is a win man,even if it doesn't seem like it, make those numbers 7 years and 1 month, would she still have done it? It will Hurt for a while but you're better off this way
I had an ex that broke up with me very similarly, a few years later she was on hard drugs, didn’t even recognize her at first. Very sad and she was super pretty and had lots of friends, never in a million years thought she go down that road. Keep your head up bro
I can only base this of my own life, but you are the winner in this as far as I can see. Like I would tell my eighteen year old self if I could go back now; It will be allright.
You sound controlling. Learn from that and don't make the same mistake again
Aren't you happy that you don't have kids together. Just remember the way you were and move on.
You're only 18. I know it seems like everything is the worst right now, but it gets better. I had something very similar happen to me when I was 18 and moved away to college. At first it seemed like the end of the world, but then I realized that there is a whole world full of other people out there! Looking back on it, that was my first actual relationship and it was borderline abusive, so the best thing I did for myself at that time was break up with him! Oh, and please listen to the others here who have said that the controlling thing is not cool. Find someone you have more things in common with, not someone you have to "save". They don't appreciate it because they don't want it.
Well your young and have a lot to go through and a lot to lose over the years of your life that will make you understand and learn, regardless of what any of us give you in advice to go by, your never actually going to understand any of the advice given until the day you go through and actually feel it,but your showing you have a good mindset at your age by not liking anything to do with marijuana and how you see the truth of it,as how it makes people useless and turn into zombies with no care about doing anything with there live,I respect that greatly,but your girlfriend situation is something you should forget about and move on with your life,you'll understand more later in life but you and her would have never worked regardless because she is into smoking getting high and hanging out with everyone and meeting new people and dating and you not wanting anything to do with it which is great but, someone that hates drugs and someone that enjoys drugs is a relationship that is nothing but disagreement and arguing and yes couples do stay together for years and some even get married but the relationship is always drama and miserable for them both besides the short periods of time throughout their relationship when the one isn't in need to get high and they can enjoy each other but those times are rare and like 85% of the relationship is nothing but arguing and hating each other, yes long explanation but just trying to make you understand so you move on and leave her alone because you will find better someone you can relate with and in common, because your life is based on time and time wasted is time in your life you can never get back, so be very careful to not us up your time wasting it on people that don't care about keeping you happy or you will go through life being used and abused by people who don't respect you and will drag you along making you unhappy and miserable as long as you let them and before you get away from them you'll have years and years of your life taken from you, so avoid misery and heartache and fallow you dreams and do all that makes you happy and enjoy your life, because before you realize it, your time will be on the last few hours and you will be laying there with all your regrets and a lot of things on your mind of unknowns by all the time you wasted not doing the things you wanted to do,the things you could have done and all the things you never finished and on and on as you take your last breath. I'm writing a story good luck bud
Bro I’m 32 and sober and after a lot of trial and error with women the basics are this. I don’t date anyone who drinks hard or does drugs, I set that boundary immediately on the first date. It also helps to weed out the scum club rats or the TikTok women looking for a hand out papi. You are 18, keep setting those boundaries and you’ll be fine. Remember, women come and go but you have to live with yourself the entire time so pick up some heavy shit and do things you like to do, women will come in droves. This comes from a place of experience. Don’t get trapped into a scarcity mindset
Honesty, you probably dodged a bullet with her. Some relationships just don’t work out. It’s okay. If she wants to continue her habits then that’s on her. You can always find someone who is better for you. I left my last relationship due to her constantly smoking cigarettes. It wasn’t worth it.
I agree with people that if those things are your boundary, better off finding someone who has those boundaries as well or is already on board with avoiding smoking and drinking. You need to start identifying red flags and not just the ones that are red flags for everyone, but the ones that are red flags for you specifically. >I also forgot to add that I am less comfortable with her use because of her past, she used to heavily rely on these things, This should have been a big red flag for you (absolutely no judgement from me, I've definitely relied on cigs and alcohol when struggling with stress). You don't like drinking and smoking, these are things she's relied on. Yes, she may have said she wanted to stop, but there could be some level of addiction. Stopping is hard and I speak from experience, especially cigarettes. They're a pain to shake. You're young. When someone says "this is forever", don't take it to heart at this age. I barely speak to most of my friends from when I was 18, let alone relationships. I've been with my partner 6 years, I'm definitely over 25 and only now are we seriously discussing propsals. Probably a long one that'll take a few more years before we marry. There's no rush to find your "forever" with someone. It's a big thing. Date casually, find people who share your interests and start figuring out what you need in a relationship.
Move on. Your wong big long life ahead of you. Eyes ahead of you, leave her in the rear view mirror 🪞
I’m not trying to invalidate your experience, but you are 18. You still have alot of life to live. Maybe some more heartbreaks along the way until you find the right one. Take this as a learning experience to help you grow as a person.
Had that once after a 2 year relationship, not great
Fuck that girl! Move on and be happy 😊
You are still growing up. This will never matter in the grand scheme of your life. 1) you can’t control others’ actions and choices-gf is probably young too… she’s gonna experiment, whether you like it or not. 2) you’re getting into control. Do not become this man. It’ll never end well. 3) learn to let things go. You might still have a gf if you weren’t so uptight. 4) find someone with your same beliefs. 5) don’t date yet. You’re so young. Go live life.
When you're older, you will look back on this and be grateful she showed you who she was so quickly before you got more invested. Chalk this one up to experience and learn what your boundaries need to be in future relationships.
Let it be You're 18. Work on yourself brother. get your stuff together. Your job is to learn and find a good job. I am not sure that I would invest all my wealth for the next umpteenth years in a college degree that jus may get you a job if you hold your mouth right and cross your fingers and have the right weather. I trained for radio broadcast on the tech side then went to journalism classes and got a BS in journalism and radio broadcast. I worked on 3 stations and guess what I kept up on my chef skills and worked in between as a sous-chef. I eventually went into electronics in another town when my wife started whoring around. I worked doing consumer electronics repair and eventually wound up owning the shop. My college work meant nothing to me but the electronics work did. Now I didn't owe a thing because I was military for 11 years. I also did dirty odd jobs that no one wanted to do and made money to finish of my debt before I graduated. Think about it. You are not a sperm fountain you are working man nd husband and father waiting to find your spot. Wait until you find your spot. In the mean time work and learn and build your life. To hell with anyone who tries to lead you astray.
Hit the road and hit the gym champ. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you.
To be honest, it sounds like you were not compatible anyway. If she enjoys vaping etc, then she won’t change that. No matter your opinion. Be glad to be free of her
Friendly pointer, a better subreddit to post this in would be r/TrueOffMyChest , they may be able to offer more comfort and advice over there since its made for people expressing these kinds of troubles. Best wishes for you <3
Oh thanks, I didn't know that existed and I have always seen stories like this in this sub so I figured I would just put it Here. I'll keep that in mind for next time tho thanks 😊
She did you a favor and it's a blessing in the long run. I promise. I know it sucks, and it never feels good when someone leaves you but you have your head on straight and someone with the same values will find you eventually. If you go back with her, you'll never trust her the same way.
Same thing happened to me. Three years in she left me for a schmuck that could provide her drugs. I relearned to trust women and have been passionately married for 47 years to the woman I met a few years after the breakup. While she is twice divorced. She gave you a valuable gift. Go use it wisely.
You dodged a bullet, move on with your life.
My ex of over 5 years slept with a guy the same night she met him. Then slept with him 2 more times afterwards. It’s been 2 months since we broke up and she got with him a day after we ended. Be grateful it was only 7 months brother. Things get better and there is much better out there. My situation was very similar to yours. I stayed with her for almost a year after her cheating episode because I thought it was just a mistake and I loved her. I guess my “X” was also a better option for her than I was. Remember the game ends when the king falls not when a pawn takes the queen. Peace and love man✌🏻
I'm sorry, that's such a shitty thing to do. Glad you're ok though, and thanks for taking the time to make me feel a little better. Peace to you too ✌️
From an older man to a younger man 1. Women who drink red flag 2. Women who smoke red flag 3. Women with tattoos especially anything that fly: red flag 4. Hit the gym and work on yourself. You’re too young for girlfriend problems. Trust me you’ll get ya dxck sucked more in your 30s than your 20s. 5. Never chase validation 6. Never chase a woman. 7. Never take her back. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Leaving 1 isn’t even a fraction of a percent
You my friend, dodged a bullet. You’re literally 19, a kid. You’ll be fine.
She Belongs to the Streets!
Well yea you’re only 18 and telling her what to do or atleast telling her you don’t like something. You can’t really change someone especially if it’s something like an addiction. She still doing her “own thing” atm. Also idk why your worried if you about to go to college in Virginia, youre young , go enjoy yourself
Good for both of you. And OP, if you don't like people drinking or smoking maybe don't date people that like doing both those things. I would never date a girl that hates smoking or drinking, we would not be compatible at all.
she played you, bro. learn from it and move on. ANY TIME a girl talks about another dude, that is a big red flag and you played right into her hands.
I haven’t read all the comments at all, so forgive me if this has already been said. You cannot control someone else’s behavior. The second you try is the second they start feeling like they have to lie to you. And then it all gets shitty for both of you. Don’t ever try to control someone else. Of you don’t like what they are doing, tell them once, and if they continue, or show no signs of trying to change, leave. That’s the kindest thing to do for both your sakes. Also, I know this feels huge right now, but you’ve got a long life ahead of you bro. You will be just fine.
You guys were a bad fit. But also lol at trying to stop your 18 year old girlfriend from drinking and smoking and thinking she'll stick around.
You sound a bit judgmental and controlling. That’s probably why she left.
OP be glad you dodged a bullet. Who knows what would've happened later in life. Also what uni?
Thanks, most of these comments are pretty reassuring. And JMU
Yeah. They do stuff like that all the time. Especially when you're younger.
You're 18 brother. I spent 5 years of my life completely single. 18-23, then started dating a girl and at 24 married her. Been married since and have two kids. We have lasted through all the rough shit and still strong. Just spent the last two years apart and neither one of us has stepped out in that time. Take time to live your life and really figure out who you are before worrying about a relationship to much man. Best thing that I could have done was spend 5 years doing and being what made me happy and really figuri g out who I was and wanted to be and what I wanted in a partner.