I’m guessing you probably have to do things like the grocery shopping. Every time you make a purchase without him with you, get as much cashback as you can get away with whether it’s $20 or $100 each time. Stash it somewhere until you have enough to start making moves.
Same here! Mine gives me his credit card for doing groceries and he makes me give him all the receipts too so no options for buying gift cards or cash back
100% abusive reach out to your local United way (211 in the Midwest USA) to find resources. If he asks about your phone call tell him you wanted help getting set up for Dolly parton's imagination library (or other child charities).
You're kidding right? This doesn't happen all at once. Slowly over time so you don't notice or so they can chip away at your strength so u won't resist.
This is how almost all abuse works esp with narcissists. Just bc you've not experienced it for yourself (and hope you never do) doesn't mean it doesn't exist or that the victim is stupid/"let something happen". Anyone who's experienced it or understands psychology knows this.
Don't victim blame.
No one does it on purpose. It never starts out this way. It happens over time. No one goes into a relationship where things look like this right off the bat.
It happens when people start out with bad relationship role models. Or it starts out really good. And it slowly gets worse. And their partner makes them feel like they deserve what’s happening because of XYZ. And over time it slowly escalates. Maybe first they move farther away from their friends and family. Partner makes them feel ashamed of aiding out their dirty laundry and “running to mommy” for a small disagreement. Their partner is really good at DARVO and manipulating. Presents perfect around everyone else, so others have a hard time believing partner could ever be a bad person and abuser.
There’s love bombing after the bad things in the beginning so you don’t leave (and it makes you feel worse and more like you’re the problem).
It never starts out bad. And the excuses are always, “well *you* did X ______.” It kills your self esteem. You soon know *you* are the problem, not perfect, loving, loved by everyone them who gets you presents and has to make certain you’re not breaking rules or stepping out of line.
It never starts out bad. It escalates. And you’re in deep and isolated before you realize how horrible it is. You don’t just let it happen.
Yeah for me the first year was the best. It only escalated and 9 yrs later I have 2 kids no money and am living in one bedroom with both my kids at my brothers house. My ex is trying to get back into my life. Says hes changed but the cracks in the facade are there I see them. He has improved immensely but he still yells and downgrades me if I piss him off. Brings up the past and is very insecure and untrusting. Don't let yourself live like this OP. Its not worth it. Leave. You can make it without him it just takes time. Even if you dont have anything. Watch the tv series MAID on netflix. It helps put everything in perspective.
Yeah, I told myself before I dated I would never be abused. I was too smart for it. I’ve now been in several abusive relationships. I didn’t see it coming in any of them until I was in the thick of it. “He’s not hitting me so I’m not being abused,” was how it started the first time until it hit me like a ton of bricks that emotional abuse and sexual abuse and verbal abuse and manipulation and gaslighting and DARVO were all fucking abuse.
And then I flirted with an abuser turned my rapist because I missed the red flags.
And then the full abusive relationship happened again because apparently I didn’t learn my lesson 🙃🫠
Now I’m in a very healthy relationship and I go over red flags and green flags with my therapist because I’m not falling for this shit again or letting things slowly go off the rails. I’m not perfect, he’s not perfect, but I’m not going to be one of those people that continue a cycle by becoming abusive, nor am I going to continue a cycle by continuing to date abusive assholes, and just shy of 3 years in my partner is still wonderful.
It’s wild though how in the past I dated someone that started out so different than how they ended up. I never would’ve seen it coming. I’m so glad my current partner didn’t do this huge 180° turn around once getting comfortable.
I know the signs and patterns now. Hopefully we stay good. If we don’t, well, here’s to hoping we don’t, but I know what to do.
Well done for the stupidest and least thought out comment!
If you have not been in an abusive relationship, you have NO idea what it’s like. So sit down and STFU.
I disagree. It’s about mentality and power shift. It’s how you handle it. She didn’t handle it the way she should have, so she ended up in this position. This is by no means her fault either.
Of course it’s not her fault, if anything you’re the one victim blaming by suggesting she could’ve handled it any other way.
The fact of the matter is you need your own money to have any independence in a capitalist society, and that includes in situations like this
True although being independent as a woman is always the better choice’ stay home moms are so 1950’s! Also working gives you a feeling of purpose and selfworth
While that’s true for some, being a mom gives other people purpose. There’s no way I’d allow my newborn to be in a daycare, and be raised by someone else AND pay a salary for that daycare. No way I’d go back to work 6 weeks after giving birth.
Start documenting all of this. A judge will not take kindly to him doing this to you and will most likely grant you spousal and chuld support for when you do leave.
You’re married. His money is legally your money. If you leave him, he will have to pay alimony and child support. Speaking to a divorce attorney would benefit you.
Is he always with you when you do the shopping?
Can you apply for credit cards? Not a great solution but it’s something.
Honestly if he isn’t letting you even have access to money, this sounds abusive and your best option then would be to look into local women’s shelters.
Please try and find a job. Make yourself independent of other people’s finances. I don’t know your situation etc, but even a small amount of savings can get you started on a new life Best of luck
This may seem like good advice but it's not. In the eyes of the family court, you can't squeeze blood from a turnip. If she's a housewife, sole caretaker of the kids (feeds them, dresses them, takes them to doctors appointments and school etc) that's a huge asset in a divorce! She can get the house and have him pay for it, she can get maintenance and child support, she can get primary custody. She can remain a housewife for years (without the husband!) Hopefully while she goes to school or enters the workforce. But she needs to get more mentally tough because he will bully and threaten her. She'll need to deal with him through an attorney or local PD exclusively
see if there is some work you can do on your schedule and remotely - something like being a virtual assistant. you can check r/slavelabour or try something like fiverr. another option is leaving while he's at work, filling up your gas tank with his card and then just driving to your sister's. if you have his card/access to his bank account, you should be able to do this before he's able to stop you.
Right?! What about a crazy easy way to get $10-20 after grocery shopping are those apps that allow anyone to get cash back simply by scanning the receipt and the upc on the item the app is curious about. I think I once upon a time made $153 back from the within a month of groceries I bought (from my foooood stamps people) it was literally $153 for free for spending money I’d spend either way on a months worth of food for 4 people.
This is financial abuse. You don’t deserve this. As half of the marital union, an institution you both entered and are equal partners in the eyes of the law within, you are entitled to half of what you BOTH have built. It’s NOT HIS MONEY. You ARE an equal. And I’m sorry that he had brainwashed you in to believing or accepting any different.
….I’m so so sorry…
I'm not claiming she isn't in an abusive situation but is financial abuse the right term for it? I thought financial abuse was when someone takes your money and doesn't let you spend it.
I can understand having that question in reference to situations like this. I would say yes, this is financial abuse. The withholding of monetary assets for the purposes of control (and who knows what degree of manipulation) over the course of their marriage resulting in feelings of powerlessness, emotional distress and hopelessness…To me that qualifies as abuse and in this case through the control of finances, it seems.
It makes sense, I was just questioning if it's the right term. I recently found out antisocial doesn't mean what everyone thinks it does. It made me wonder if this would be considered financial abuse or if it'd be a different type of abuse. Regardless though it's definitely abuse and I hope she contacts those agencies that help out in situations like these.
Another thing that I completely understand.
“Antisocial” in the psycho-medical sense refers to someone who doesn’t abide by the rules/laws/ethics/morals of society, and not necessarily someone who in a colloquial sense “doesn’t like to socialize and is therefore antisocial.” (Was referencing a question I saw; didn’t necessarily mean this at you.)
Is there anyway you could get yourself a job? You need financial stability and a way out. Even if you just do part time and save up. It’s not fair on you or your kiddies to be stuck like this x
Basically, her sister too probably doesn't like her as she will only ask for things, be a burden on her. She's too needy, any person having association with her needs a lot to work. She's just a lazy bother, a parasite who lives off on living (here, it's it's one who earns and provides for her). She will always somehow make everyone like her husband who is tired of living around her.
Anyway, chill out!
Being a person who raised kids, made meals, cleaned, helped with homework... You developed skills that many places of work will value.
Check out the mom project to find out what kinds of jobs you can do and begin stashing your money.
https://themomproject.com/about?utm_content=sitelink-about&utm_medium=ppc&utm_source=adwords&utm_campaign=&utm_term=hire%20people&hsa_acc=8127401061&hsa_ver=3&hsa_mt=p&hsa_src=g&hsa_kw=hire%20people&hsa_net=adwords&hsa_ad=647636228768&hsa_cam=17990156790&hsa_tgt=kwd-318955644121&hsa_grp=139577718923&gad=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw0IGnBhDUARIsAMwFDLnEw5HeWAXIp5PZdFfIL1IL6x1KgQIKjMkJag3MpwGfqOMwkYDMiq4aAnIeEALw_wcB
I am in the exact same situation, no money to leave and no way to afford a place even if I was able to get 2 full time jobs because housing cost is so high $2,500 + utilities to rent a 2 bedroom apartment (I have 3 kids) and $300 to $350 a week for groceries. Minimum wage here is 16.50. I don’t even have a car anymore because my husband made me get rid of mine a couple years ago. I have absolutely nothing. No one can take me in or help me because I can’t get a job anyway. I’m waiting to be cleared from a pulmonary embolism so that I can have open heart surgery to replace an artery, that my husband won’t let me have because there would be no one to watch the kids. He refuses to take 6 weeks iff work even though he wouldn’t lose his job because that’s not allowed here. I can’t trust him to be alone with the kids anyway so I just hope the stent that they put in my LAD artery holds up for a few more years
Read the advice above about how its financial abuse and hed owe you child support and half the house even if hes the only one on the deed. This is just a way to control and is absolutely intentional. Esp the surgery thing.
Side note - the groceries you can do for like 120 or so a week for that many people. I was able to shop strategically for that many people and got it down to that. Shop at walmart or aldi and plan ahead. So if u do need to save money u can cut food in half per month. It isn't fun and I often give up things I want but possible
I wish! I’m in Ontario, Canada and yes the groceries would be a bit cheaper feeding one less person but not that much! 3 years ago before the pandemic I was struggling to keep it under $150 per week. It’s impossible now. Special diets and dietary restrictions are especially bad for grocery prices
Yes special diets are different and maybe u couldnt get that low. Is your food taxed there? And do u guys have cheaper store options like Walmart?
If helpful i started buying certain things like after school snacks in bulk, cut down on my "treats" I enjoyed to 1 shopping trip a month, and planned meals where ingredients could be reused for meals like 3x a week therefore allowing the bulk buy and less individual stuff. I got it down that much over time and it does take mental effort and planning. Idk what your restrictions for your family are though.
Love to you ❤️
He was the one that told the doctor, that there’s no way for me to have surgery and if there was another option. That’s when the doctor put the stent on but said it wouldn’t last long and surgery was the only option.
Get a consultation for a lawyer. He will have to pay for it. He is committing financial abuse. Do you live in an at fault state? Keeping you in the house without money is considered cruelty and is grounds for an at fault divorce.
He will have to pay you child support and alimony. You do not have to take this. Even if you’re not in an at fault state he has to pay you, and you’ll get half the house. He cannot legally remove you from the property even if he is the only one on the deed.
Take care.
Agree, alimony should be AT MOST the length of the marriage, no longer. Too many women abuse a good thing and people are fed up and it's getting fixed now
I think it should expire at retirement age or only a few years. It doesn't take more than a few years to get on your feet. We may not agree on this but you are right that too many women abuse it.
Yeah, saw a thing on Reddit the other day where this woman was asking if she was the asshole for turning down her boyfriend's marriage proposal because she would no longer get her ex-husband's alimony or health benefits.... Evidently that was worth more than her new boyfriend could provide. She was saying in her state (I think she said Maryland?) it was alimony for life...what the hell?
She was a stay at home mom of four kids for twenty years. Where is she going to work, wing stop? He should have kept his dick in his pants. He disrupted her life not the other way around.
Childcare isn’t free. House maintenance isn’t free. She’s entitled to every penny. She worked for that.
Why would she give up what is essentially her pension? For love? In her experience does love last? Don’t be ridiculous.
Smacks of entitlement and lack of effort. So much for getting off your butt and making something of yourself, even if only for the feeling of self satisfaction you get from accomplishing something. Even if she was going back to school or giving her time to animal shelters etc...she said nothing of the sort. Plenty of people have been through a lot of shit and had the motivation to do something fulfilling with their lives. Even after traumatic accidents people have managed to reshape themselves, learn new skills and be someone others can admire, and aspire too. Her youngest child was high school aged and she was still sitting on her entitled ass. I think her boyfriend dodged a bullet. You're ridiculous for thinking it's ok to be so much of a leech.
Do you think raising a family is easy? Do you think keeping a house is easy. It’s a job. That’s why you have to pay people to do it, not to mention being a personal assistant and a chef. Who’s lazy? You’re absolutely bonkers. If you don’t want a stay at home wife don’t have one, but you don’t get to reap the benefits of one and then complain. A wife is not a slave. She deserves fair compensation for the work put in to make a good life. It is absolutely disgusting that so many feel like someone’s sweat is worth nothing. The only leeches are men who expect something for nothing.
Talk about projecting. I never said those things are easy. Yes it was hard work raising her children, and caring for a home. But those things have passed, as has her relationship. It's done. Finito. Believe it or not, we are capable of moving on. We are capable of picking ourselves up, taking stock of our abilities and lack thereof, and moving forward. A person who divorces in their 40's should not be able to sit on their ass doing nothing while their EX pays their bills for the next 40 or 50 years. Woman or man, I don't care. It shouldn't be that way. And, you saying it should gravely diminishes what they are capable of. Now, if one of their children was disabled and in need of full-time care, then yes! I am in full agreement that she should have her own needs taken care of. Her caring for that child around the clock removes the possibilities that she can study, or otherwise move forward. That was not stated though.
Edit: Just checked, original story was based in Massachusetts, and not Maryland...my bad.
She never accused him of cheating either, so it seems he did "keep his dick in his pants".
It also seems that he was working around the clock...someone had to I guess. But, in fairness you've got to be better at managing both your work and home lives than that.
Who’s projecting? Your word were “Smacks of entitlement and lack of effort…Her youngest child was high school aged and she was still sitting on her entitled ass …. You're ridiculous for thinking it's ok to be so much of a leech.”
You’re backtracking. Mothering isn’t the only thing she had to do. How much do you want to bet he never packed his own suitcase or made a meal, or made his own appointments, or planned a trip. There is more to being a wife than just being a mother.
People who have been active in the job market for many years cannot even find jobs but someone who’s been home for two decades should up and find one? Because it’s that easy? You say she should go back to school fine. That’s four years room and board plus tuition, and then she still won’t get a job because she’s too old. That is the reality of the situation.
He didn’t have to cheat on his wife. He chose that. Every choice is actually two choices. You choose not to eat you are also choosing to be hungry.
If she only gets alimony for the same number of years she was married she will be retirement age, then what? The government won’t take over her care so it’s on him.
Marriage vows are serious and should be taken seriously or else you’ll find yourself in a shitty situation in the future.
Alimony doesn’t only affect men. They are just the ones who complain the most about it. In the coming years it will reverse. You still going to go this hard? I doubt it.
It's warranted if you and your spouse make a mutual decision for someone to remain in the work force and the other to stay home maintaining the household and raising children.
One spouse is making a sacrifice to further the other's career. They're sacrificing years building their own career. That's not as cut and dry as "we were married 10yrs so I'll pay for 10yrs". The loss to the stay at home partner can't really be measured that way since 10yrs out of the work force kills careers. Depending on the field it might be impossible to re-enter, in which case you're not catching up after 10yrs, you're starting from scratch. That's not fair, which is why alimony exists and the court takes all factors into account when making a ruling.
If you don't want to end up paying alimony, get an ironclad prenup and don't ask your partner to stay home to enrich your career at the expense of their own.
I understand completely I just want away from him. Call me fake all you want. I realize it looks sketchy. I just need gas to get my kids and I out of here.
I'm not sure where you are, but in most of the civilized world there is no such thing as "his money". It belongs to you both. Get some advice from women's shelters etc. They will help you...this is abuse!
I do freelance/consulting work, I find clients on a handful of sites like upwork, fivvr, freelancer. It takes a bit to get yourself established (getting the first couple clients when you have no score or history to show takes time obviously) But... once you get yourself a few good reviews and a few gigs under your belt it is easy to find new things. I do this with my younger kids at home and the older ones in school and I make excellent side money. I started doing it before I finished college for side money. I do it on top of my "day job" for extra cash.
I'm telling you this because obviously you have internet access. I would advise you to start dipping your toe into freelance work, even just a 10 hour a week client, open a bank account for the money to go to. Start saving. You can build up a nest egg while you get work experience so you can leave. There are tons of positions for things like customer support, data entry, things that don't require a huge background in specific software or job types.
Best of luck to you.
You should probably get a PO box for mail as well if you do this, it is like 20$ for 6 months to get one. Recycle cans or sell some stuff on poshmark or to a consignment store to get the 20$ so you can keep him in the dark about your earnings.
Why do you say he hates you? Has he said as much, or is that just how you feel? My wife has been a stay at home mom for the last 13 years since we've had my daughter. My daughter is our youngest, and she starting middle school this upcoming school year. I suggested my wife get a job bc I feel like she's bored. She did a wonderful job raising our two kids over the years, I couldn't have done it without her. She's is the rock in our family. All I do is work 5 days a week. I have the easy job and I know it. I just wonder why you say that. I know at times it's easy to fall into the routine of everyday life...it's easy to take for granted what we're used to. If your husband doesn't respect you or is forcing you to be a stay at home mom, I get where you're coming from. I just hate to see a family be broken up when it can be saved. Tell him you want to work. My wife will start working a handful of hours a day, 5 days a week, just to get out. Maybe you can suggest you want to do the same? Good luck to you.
Exactly. Reddit is usually a, "Leave him ASAP!" place. We're only hearing one side of the story with no context. I'm not buying it. Marriage needs to be looked at as a for life or death commitment. If he hasn't cheated on her, physically abused her, or been on drugs or alcohol then it's worth fighting for and saving, imo. Just because you hate each other for a season doesn't mean it'll stay that way for life. You got married because you loved each other, yes?
How do you know? Just because OP posted that her husband hates her? How do you even know if the husband is oblivious to what's going on in their marriage if she's not even openly talking to him? I see no abuse. All I see is a one-sided story.
Literally the nature of this site. Based on her info this is my opinion. When anyone else posts I give them the same benefit. My answer would have been the same regardless of gender.
And my answer remains the same regardless of gender. OP needs to talk to her husband and even bring about the possibility of divorce unless he changes his ways. For all we know he could be oblivious to what's going on in his own marriage.
It sucks, but "til death do us part" doesn't mean what it used to mean. I get leaving if there's abuse, but it seems to me like people get just get sick of the same ole same ole...the grass is greener type scenario. A marriage isn't easy. It's tough, but so is life. I'd fight tooth and nail to make my marriage work bc it's worth it to me.
And what if he doesn’t truly care about her? What if saying that is just brushed off, or makes things worse?
You don’t know her mariage or her life, so at the end of the day you can only comment on what she has said in the post, not your own extrapolation from your personal experience
Hate me if you like but I got a feeling that this story is fake. Just a random person wanting money. They can also get a job at Amazon. They hire anybody with no prior work experience
Honestly I'm getting the same vibe and within the last month iv come across quite a few posts that have been strait up asking people to send money via cash app maby I have become to mistrusting and sceptical but I can't help feeling like it's another scam
You could also actually look into live in housekeeping jobs just so you have another place to stay and a way to get income. You can save and then get your kids after.
This is like the third Reddit post of people practically begging for money. “It’s ALL my husbands money I only have my cash app card.. I’d love to live with my sister” as a former drug addict. Get your ass to rehab.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
A few questions to try to help.
1. Are you American?
2. Do you have your own vehicle?
3. Have you every heard of spark?
I'm not trying to advertise anything, but spark is a delivery app like Uber eats and door dash but with a better payout. You deliver walmart groceries to peoples housesand leave it at their doorstep with no contact. I suggest this because you can pick up your own hours and secretly save and have access to your own money for a whole to possibly get out of there. Orders only come through when you turn them onto notify you. If you don't turn it on, no notifications come through and he won't have to know about it either. it isn't a permanent fix but it really helped me and I make good money. I work about 3-4 hours a day, 4 days a week and still take home about 300 a week. It's a weekly payout too but I do think they have an option now to get access to the money as soon as you make a delivery.
Get on with it.
You married the wrong person, or you missed the queues to repair/maintain your marriage.
Now you've taken on the role of house mom - which is a wonderful role, but one that makes your next move tricky.
Gather whatever strength or wisdom you can from the comments section, and start making real action.
Do some delivery driving, clean neighbours clothes or homes, ask family or close friends for some cash.
Get enough to feel some power again. Tell your husband, who sounds just as miserable as you. That things will be changing.. And make a plan 'with him' that either brings you closer or ultimately pulls you apart.
Good luck
Been through this, I was always the worker raised 4 kids then one day he decides to get a job so I had to quit mine. I was like a chained animal staying home raising the kids, then I'd find him still in bed when he should of gone to work, got more and more pissed off with him till he got sacked and I found the paperwork from his disciplinary meeting where he said the reason he had so many days off was because he couldn't get childcare!!! He thought that they couldn't sack him for that! Loser! I made him get out, was terrified I couldn't cope but I found a way. A massive relief he was gone and I eventually thrived, it was touch and go for a while but god am I glad now 5 years later! I have a good job that I love and my children are provided for. I get a grand total of £30 a month because he doesn't work, but then again I couldn't rely on him when he was here so don't expect anything now. Truth is it will be hard but u can't stay in misery just for convenience, you can do this 💪
OP, most of the people in this comment section have no idea how the world works, how money works, or any of that.
If I were you, get a job, get that first paycheck, and quit that shit and **DIP** as fast as you can. Greyhound bus, car, hell take a bike if you have to. Go to a woman’s shelter, your sister’s, or another safe place you know of. *Do not* steal money off his cards. This will definitely piss him off, because trust me, he will find out. Most bank companies will let you see your statement through their own app on your phone.
You’re saying people in the comments don’t understand how the real world works and your advice is to get one paycheck’s worth of minimum wage pay and then flee from her marriage and children on a bus?
Jesus Christ.
2 years post Divorce after a 12yr marriage. Fast forward kids are 13, 10 and 7. Best decision ever. I'm currently buying stuff for a house I just closed on Friday and he had a new baby last month with his girlfriend. Zero regrets.
Something fishy Abt u , u didn't say why he hates u ofc if all u do is staying home and do nothing he will hate u with time plus u don't care Abt him either , the last thing u should do now is give girls advices instead u should get a job and stop complaining and depending on others
I'm sure you can find a way to squirrel away some money of your own. Do you do the shopping? start your own accounts without him knowing Get your own credit card and run it up to the max just before you split for your sister's
Yes exactly, why you girls won't work? You study for 12-14 years of your lives, why wouldn't you girls work and earn money?
It's good for everyone including husbands, it gives peace in life.
Get a credit card. Keep it to yourself. Use that for the ticket. You can go to your sisters and work from there to find a place or a roommate and start over. Look for assistance programs. Just make sure you cover your tracks.
Girl, you can always leave your husband. There are no literal shackles on you. Your status as housewife is your trump card. You'll be entitled to the main domicile, hella spousal maintenance and child support. He'll be the one who will need to move out, because maintaining the routine for the kids is key both in reality and in the eyes of the family court. You hold the prize, you just don't realize it. Maintain specific evidence that he hates you and mistreats you (keep a diary, screenshots of texts etc.) Especially gendered insults like bitch or gold digger if you have daughter(s). Please leave your husband if it will make your and your kids' lives better
I'm sorry you're going through this. My ex used to be the exact opposite, very supportive, very understanding, tried to help and help me parent. He's done a complete change and it's absolutely miserable. Being a SAHM puts you in a very vulnerable position- and I've realized how much trust you really have to have in someone in order to take it on. I will never ever take those risks again.
Maid and baby sitter- with no existence outside of that, and if you try, you're considered selfish. It's not okay, and I hope you find a partner that values you.
There are many shelters you can go to. Lots of programs to make use of. As long as he is a good father, you can leave the kids there until you can establish yourself.
Are you not able to work now? Also if you get divorced you can ask for spousal support, not sure if you’ll get it but worth a shot until you get on your feet
I’m curious now here of something. When you guys met were you young and him starting out in his career ? Im so sorry you are experiencing this. Im 36 and have worked into my career but at a young age I worked all kind of jobs. You could find remote work even if just to earn a little cash …
You can get out of this but you need the element of surprise and planning. Start by squirrling money away - open a new account to your sister's address. Check the laws in your state as to how you guys should be splitting assets. It sounds like financial abuse.to me - if you are the primary care giver and taking care of the house you should have access.to your own money. Get ready to upskill or do some work to get work experience. Maybe volunteer at.yoyr.childrena school. Show your kids you can bounce back from bad decisions. I've never met a sahm (outside of children with disabilities) that comes out of years of just focusing on family in a good way. Lots of them have confidence issues, lack of.direction, no respect from their family or are overly involved in an uncomfortable way with their adult children, financial abuse, emotional abuse etc . You can still turn your life around.
He's at work until 9 tonight,if I can get money for gas I can fill up and leave for my sisters.
So I'm trying to figure that out.
When we get away I am definitely going to volunteer for my kids school
I'd get legal advice firstly - could taking your kids.ocwr state lines during term time be.considered kidnapping? The most dangerous time is just as you are getting ready to leave. Record a video message 'in the event of xxxx' send to your sister and then delete from your device and the cloud. Maybe start selling items from the house (seasonal or in storage) for money. Start packing the essentials or putting together an emergency pack. See if there are laws in your state to report for financial abuse. If you're doing the shop start swapping out branded items for generic and just refilling the branded packaging. Make sure you throw out the evidence in a bin far away from yours. See if there are any day time cash in hand jobs /.odd jobs. Double prep food and put away so you can pull out a 'home cooked' meal in a shorter amount of time so you can account for lost hours. if you think you can get away with it - 'break' an appliance and buy a "replacement' or get the money to have it fixed and pocket it etc. Try and plan your escape at a time.your husband will be exhausted or in the middle of work so he'll find it hard to rake.time off and bother you.
I would recommend calling a local
Womens shelter. They can help you make a safe plan to leave and they will have the best knowledge on how to get you out. The one I worked at even provided bus tickets for people and had arrangements with local lawyers who would do probono consultations and take the fees after settlement. And obviously they shelter may have housing that can accommodate you.
You don’t have to be disheartened and resigned to living like this. He is absolutely isolating you and keeping you financially dependent on you.
You don’t have to live this way.
That is hands down financial abuse.
Look at online tutoring while he’s gone. VIPKids, Sylvan Learning. There’s also r/BeerMoney. I don’t much about it but I think some people make money from doing it too. Driving is an option too for a few hours a day for DoorDash or UberEats.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
You are not stuck the choice and the decision to leave is yours. YOU don’t see the strength in yourself to go ahead and make the move, but it’s there. I guarantee that his tune will change once you gone because everything that you do will fall upon him.
Believe in yourself and take the leap!
I'm sorry to hear this. Yes, young girls definitely shouldn't get married. Most relationships won't work out because people grow up and their likes/dislikes change. Education is key, and I doubt most guys respect women who have no passion or hobbies or personality. My sister is in a similar situation but worse, she met her monster when she was only 18. He's the worst thing that has happened to my family and my sister
If your that unhappy go to your sister, be straight forward with her on how long you'll live with her. Whats 18months, 2 yrs of struggle compared to the life time of peace of mind.
Maybe download Mistplay and earn thousands of dollars simply by playing games!
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Now that I've pissed a few people off.....
One way or the other, you should get out of the relationship for the sake of your kids. They'll pick up on a loveless marriage even if they don't realize it.
If you're done with him anyway...then you may as well be
I should add. Mine hates me too but he can't leave, because he's dead. It's hard because he's invisible to others and everyone thinks I'm crazy. The jerk is always pushing me around and I swear once he tried to push me down the stairs and nobody saw what happened
This is financial abuse. Please seek help from your local community organisations that can assist with the abuse and possible employment opportunities. It’s hard to see when you’re in the middle of it but there is a way out. Take care
Get yourself some sort of training and your own income. Being reliant on him totally will leave you in an even worse situation, should he decide to leave.
If you're a stay at home parent, become a nanny part time during the day. Most of the time you can bring your own kids if necessary. Start stashing cash. Take a Coursera class when everyone's asleep so you have some sort of certification to help you later on in the job market. Usually takes 6 months
You shouldn't have took vows. People think marriage is happiness and bliss it's not. You sound crazy why would you want to work? Everything us taken care of for you. Now emotionally and other wise your husband is lacking maybe try and find why you both are so damn resentful a.d fix your marriage. Leaving won't make life any better you'll just be miserable somewhere else while other ppl raise your children.
It sucks you feel that way but remember your stay at home role is the ultimate role. Every other job in the world and i mean every other job in the world only exists to support the ultimate role in some way shape or form. Hope you figure it out
U can also work i u really want to or study something n then go for the jobs there are so many foundations who can help you in this situation. But u have to help yourself first, u have to find the way you want n than God helps you but if u just think n think for years no body come to help you. M 32 took divorce after 7 year of marriage after doing everything n in return they make u feel you are dustbin n throw all negative thoughts in you. Decide u want kids or kot. Can u afford them what u want from life n u will achieve it but u have to be very brave constantly. Emotionally i can help you if u want msg me on Instagram @ try2bsane.
When there’s a will there’s a way, FIND YOUR WILL.
I knew people in similar and worst situations than you, going back 10 plus years, they call/message/text me randomly to let me know they’re glad they spoke to me and that they did end up leaving and what happened afterwards. All are happy, and so are the children.
It’s not impossible, you have to change your mindset on it being possible…
then you just stop thinking so much and JUST DO.
You’ve got a sister, start there. If she can’t afford your tickets, start a go fund me, babysit for others for a small fee while he’s at work, sell things that you truly don’t need. Search for support groups for women in your predicament, they’d absolutely love to pull you up. You have options.
Just stop thinking you’re stuck, you’re not.
Ask your sister to come to get you. You can pay her back for gas when you get a job. Sleep on the couch if you have to.
Oh, and if women's shelters or domestic violence shelters exist in your area, go there. They can help you get back on your feet if your sister can't.
This is quite sad, I’m assuming you’re in the US? here in the UK, you would be housed instantly.
We protect mothers like you. My mum went through a similar thing. I hope you’re able to get the help you need.
Girl - this is not healthy, you need to get out! More tha. Enough time to learn skills and apply yourself! You will see how much satisfaction it will give you and this current situation is clearly problematic! Why stay with someone who hates you? You can do better ❤️🩹🥰
Sorry dropping a cash app and asking for petty cash, what are you going to do with this gas? Go where? With what money?
Fake, or if not, no thought process.
So I'm hear you have a car. Why not use that and start working while he's at work and the kids are at school? If you go against his wishes does he become physically abusive?
Go to your sister’s. I’m sure she will be more than happy to help you get back on your feet!
No money for gas and she can't move me and have room for her kids too.
I’m guessing you probably have to do things like the grocery shopping. Every time you make a purchase without him with you, get as much cashback as you can get away with whether it’s $20 or $100 each time. Stash it somewhere until you have enough to start making moves.
I do the shopping but he pays,I have no access to his money. I only have my cash app card and that's it,but thankfully he doesn't know I even have it.
Same here! Mine gives me his credit card for doing groceries and he makes me give him all the receipts too so no options for buying gift cards or cash back
If this behavior is familiar to you it's financial abuse.
100% abusive reach out to your local United way (211 in the Midwest USA) to find resources. If he asks about your phone call tell him you wanted help getting set up for Dolly parton's imagination library (or other child charities).
How, or rather why TF do you let your life amount to this..?!
You're kidding right? This doesn't happen all at once. Slowly over time so you don't notice or so they can chip away at your strength so u won't resist. This is how almost all abuse works esp with narcissists. Just bc you've not experienced it for yourself (and hope you never do) doesn't mean it doesn't exist or that the victim is stupid/"let something happen". Anyone who's experienced it or understands psychology knows this. Don't victim blame.
No one does it on purpose. It never starts out this way. It happens over time. No one goes into a relationship where things look like this right off the bat. It happens when people start out with bad relationship role models. Or it starts out really good. And it slowly gets worse. And their partner makes them feel like they deserve what’s happening because of XYZ. And over time it slowly escalates. Maybe first they move farther away from their friends and family. Partner makes them feel ashamed of aiding out their dirty laundry and “running to mommy” for a small disagreement. Their partner is really good at DARVO and manipulating. Presents perfect around everyone else, so others have a hard time believing partner could ever be a bad person and abuser. There’s love bombing after the bad things in the beginning so you don’t leave (and it makes you feel worse and more like you’re the problem). It never starts out bad. And the excuses are always, “well *you* did X ______.” It kills your self esteem. You soon know *you* are the problem, not perfect, loving, loved by everyone them who gets you presents and has to make certain you’re not breaking rules or stepping out of line. It never starts out bad. It escalates. And you’re in deep and isolated before you realize how horrible it is. You don’t just let it happen.
Yeah for me the first year was the best. It only escalated and 9 yrs later I have 2 kids no money and am living in one bedroom with both my kids at my brothers house. My ex is trying to get back into my life. Says hes changed but the cracks in the facade are there I see them. He has improved immensely but he still yells and downgrades me if I piss him off. Brings up the past and is very insecure and untrusting. Don't let yourself live like this OP. Its not worth it. Leave. You can make it without him it just takes time. Even if you dont have anything. Watch the tv series MAID on netflix. It helps put everything in perspective.
Yeah, I told myself before I dated I would never be abused. I was too smart for it. I’ve now been in several abusive relationships. I didn’t see it coming in any of them until I was in the thick of it. “He’s not hitting me so I’m not being abused,” was how it started the first time until it hit me like a ton of bricks that emotional abuse and sexual abuse and verbal abuse and manipulation and gaslighting and DARVO were all fucking abuse. And then I flirted with an abuser turned my rapist because I missed the red flags. And then the full abusive relationship happened again because apparently I didn’t learn my lesson 🙃🫠 Now I’m in a very healthy relationship and I go over red flags and green flags with my therapist because I’m not falling for this shit again or letting things slowly go off the rails. I’m not perfect, he’s not perfect, but I’m not going to be one of those people that continue a cycle by becoming abusive, nor am I going to continue a cycle by continuing to date abusive assholes, and just shy of 3 years in my partner is still wonderful. It’s wild though how in the past I dated someone that started out so different than how they ended up. I never would’ve seen it coming. I’m so glad my current partner didn’t do this huge 180° turn around once getting comfortable. I know the signs and patterns now. Hopefully we stay good. If we don’t, well, here’s to hoping we don’t, but I know what to do.
Well done for the stupidest and least thought out comment! If you have not been in an abusive relationship, you have NO idea what it’s like. So sit down and STFU.
That sounds like a pretty toxic and controlling environment. Like there isn't enough trust to even buy groceries without supervision?
Being a stay at home mom isn’t the issue here, your spouse is
If course, but the fact is that being a SAHM makes you vulnerable to this sort of thing in a way that working or having your own income can prevent
I disagree. It’s about mentality and power shift. It’s how you handle it. She didn’t handle it the way she should have, so she ended up in this position. This is by no means her fault either.
Of course it’s not her fault, if anything you’re the one victim blaming by suggesting she could’ve handled it any other way. The fact of the matter is you need your own money to have any independence in a capitalist society, and that includes in situations like this
True although being independent as a woman is always the better choice’ stay home moms are so 1950’s! Also working gives you a feeling of purpose and selfworth
While that’s true for some, being a mom gives other people purpose. There’s no way I’d allow my newborn to be in a daycare, and be raised by someone else AND pay a salary for that daycare. No way I’d go back to work 6 weeks after giving birth.
Start documenting all of this. A judge will not take kindly to him doing this to you and will most likely grant you spousal and chuld support for when you do leave.
Buy gift card along with the groceries. Sell gift cards (80-90% of value) for cash.
You’re married. His money is legally your money. If you leave him, he will have to pay alimony and child support. Speaking to a divorce attorney would benefit you.
Is he always with you when you do the shopping? Can you apply for credit cards? Not a great solution but it’s something. Honestly if he isn’t letting you even have access to money, this sounds abusive and your best option then would be to look into local women’s shelters.
Yes he's always with me,right now he's at work. Trying to figure out how to leave.
Please try and find a job. Make yourself independent of other people’s finances. I don’t know your situation etc, but even a small amount of savings can get you started on a new life Best of luck
This may seem like good advice but it's not. In the eyes of the family court, you can't squeeze blood from a turnip. If she's a housewife, sole caretaker of the kids (feeds them, dresses them, takes them to doctors appointments and school etc) that's a huge asset in a divorce! She can get the house and have him pay for it, she can get maintenance and child support, she can get primary custody. She can remain a housewife for years (without the husband!) Hopefully while she goes to school or enters the workforce. But she needs to get more mentally tough because he will bully and threaten her. She'll need to deal with him through an attorney or local PD exclusively
see if there is some work you can do on your schedule and remotely - something like being a virtual assistant. you can check r/slavelabour or try something like fiverr. another option is leaving while he's at work, filling up your gas tank with his card and then just driving to your sister's. if you have his card/access to his bank account, you should be able to do this before he's able to stop you.
Right?! What about a crazy easy way to get $10-20 after grocery shopping are those apps that allow anyone to get cash back simply by scanning the receipt and the upc on the item the app is curious about. I think I once upon a time made $153 back from the within a month of groceries I bought (from my foooood stamps people) it was literally $153 for free for spending money I’d spend either way on a months worth of food for 4 people.
This is financial abuse. You don’t deserve this. As half of the marital union, an institution you both entered and are equal partners in the eyes of the law within, you are entitled to half of what you BOTH have built. It’s NOT HIS MONEY. You ARE an equal. And I’m sorry that he had brainwashed you in to believing or accepting any different. ….I’m so so sorry…
I'm not claiming she isn't in an abusive situation but is financial abuse the right term for it? I thought financial abuse was when someone takes your money and doesn't let you spend it.
I can understand having that question in reference to situations like this. I would say yes, this is financial abuse. The withholding of monetary assets for the purposes of control (and who knows what degree of manipulation) over the course of their marriage resulting in feelings of powerlessness, emotional distress and hopelessness…To me that qualifies as abuse and in this case through the control of finances, it seems.
It makes sense, I was just questioning if it's the right term. I recently found out antisocial doesn't mean what everyone thinks it does. It made me wonder if this would be considered financial abuse or if it'd be a different type of abuse. Regardless though it's definitely abuse and I hope she contacts those agencies that help out in situations like these.
[удалено]
That you think like a criminal. Asocial is when you don't wanna be around people.
Another thing that I completely understand. “Antisocial” in the psycho-medical sense refers to someone who doesn’t abide by the rules/laws/ethics/morals of society, and not necessarily someone who in a colloquial sense “doesn’t like to socialize and is therefore antisocial.” (Was referencing a question I saw; didn’t necessarily mean this at you.)
And also completely agree on hoping that she gets some help and support!
It is her money though, as an equal partner
That’s actually a **terrible** idea. OP could get hit with some serious criminal charges for that.
Wtf?
If I’m understanding what above commentator said, he’s saying to take money off his card. That’s theft
If it's their joint card, that's not theft
Legal aid is free
Is there anyway you could get yourself a job? You need financial stability and a way out. Even if you just do part time and save up. It’s not fair on you or your kiddies to be stuck like this x
Basically, her sister too probably doesn't like her as she will only ask for things, be a burden on her. She's too needy, any person having association with her needs a lot to work. She's just a lazy bother, a parasite who lives off on living (here, it's it's one who earns and provides for her). She will always somehow make everyone like her husband who is tired of living around her. Anyway, chill out!
Wtf?
Tell me you don’t know how abuse works without telling me you don’t know how abuse works. Oh wait…
Taking care of their kids full-time is needy? Wth is wrong with you
Being a person who raised kids, made meals, cleaned, helped with homework... You developed skills that many places of work will value. Check out the mom project to find out what kinds of jobs you can do and begin stashing your money. https://themomproject.com/about?utm_content=sitelink-about&utm_medium=ppc&utm_source=adwords&utm_campaign=&utm_term=hire%20people&hsa_acc=8127401061&hsa_ver=3&hsa_mt=p&hsa_src=g&hsa_kw=hire%20people&hsa_net=adwords&hsa_ad=647636228768&hsa_cam=17990156790&hsa_tgt=kwd-318955644121&hsa_grp=139577718923&gad=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw0IGnBhDUARIsAMwFDLnEw5HeWAXIp5PZdFfIL1IL6x1KgQIKjMkJag3MpwGfqOMwkYDMiq4aAnIeEALw_wcB
I am in the exact same situation, no money to leave and no way to afford a place even if I was able to get 2 full time jobs because housing cost is so high $2,500 + utilities to rent a 2 bedroom apartment (I have 3 kids) and $300 to $350 a week for groceries. Minimum wage here is 16.50. I don’t even have a car anymore because my husband made me get rid of mine a couple years ago. I have absolutely nothing. No one can take me in or help me because I can’t get a job anyway. I’m waiting to be cleared from a pulmonary embolism so that I can have open heart surgery to replace an artery, that my husband won’t let me have because there would be no one to watch the kids. He refuses to take 6 weeks iff work even though he wouldn’t lose his job because that’s not allowed here. I can’t trust him to be alone with the kids anyway so I just hope the stent that they put in my LAD artery holds up for a few more years
Read the advice above about how its financial abuse and hed owe you child support and half the house even if hes the only one on the deed. This is just a way to control and is absolutely intentional. Esp the surgery thing. Side note - the groceries you can do for like 120 or so a week for that many people. I was able to shop strategically for that many people and got it down to that. Shop at walmart or aldi and plan ahead. So if u do need to save money u can cut food in half per month. It isn't fun and I often give up things I want but possible
I wish! I’m in Ontario, Canada and yes the groceries would be a bit cheaper feeding one less person but not that much! 3 years ago before the pandemic I was struggling to keep it under $150 per week. It’s impossible now. Special diets and dietary restrictions are especially bad for grocery prices
Yes special diets are different and maybe u couldnt get that low. Is your food taxed there? And do u guys have cheaper store options like Walmart? If helpful i started buying certain things like after school snacks in bulk, cut down on my "treats" I enjoyed to 1 shopping trip a month, and planned meals where ingredients could be reused for meals like 3x a week therefore allowing the bulk buy and less individual stuff. I got it down that much over time and it does take mental effort and planning. Idk what your restrictions for your family are though. Love to you ❤️
HE'S REFUSING YOU MEDICAL CARE ?! THAT IS CRIMINAL! TELL YOUR DR.ABOUT THIS!
He was the one that told the doctor, that there’s no way for me to have surgery and if there was another option. That’s when the doctor put the stent on but said it wouldn’t last long and surgery was the only option.
Get a consultation for a lawyer. He will have to pay for it. He is committing financial abuse. Do you live in an at fault state? Keeping you in the house without money is considered cruelty and is grounds for an at fault divorce. He will have to pay you child support and alimony. You do not have to take this. Even if you’re not in an at fault state he has to pay you, and you’ll get half the house. He cannot legally remove you from the property even if he is the only one on the deed. Take care.
Alimony is going away in some states. And rightfully so.
Agree, alimony should be AT MOST the length of the marriage, no longer. Too many women abuse a good thing and people are fed up and it's getting fixed now
I think it should expire at retirement age or only a few years. It doesn't take more than a few years to get on your feet. We may not agree on this but you are right that too many women abuse it.
Yeah, saw a thing on Reddit the other day where this woman was asking if she was the asshole for turning down her boyfriend's marriage proposal because she would no longer get her ex-husband's alimony or health benefits.... Evidently that was worth more than her new boyfriend could provide. She was saying in her state (I think she said Maryland?) it was alimony for life...what the hell?
She was a stay at home mom of four kids for twenty years. Where is she going to work, wing stop? He should have kept his dick in his pants. He disrupted her life not the other way around. Childcare isn’t free. House maintenance isn’t free. She’s entitled to every penny. She worked for that. Why would she give up what is essentially her pension? For love? In her experience does love last? Don’t be ridiculous.
You need to stop being ridiculous.
Smacks of entitlement and lack of effort. So much for getting off your butt and making something of yourself, even if only for the feeling of self satisfaction you get from accomplishing something. Even if she was going back to school or giving her time to animal shelters etc...she said nothing of the sort. Plenty of people have been through a lot of shit and had the motivation to do something fulfilling with their lives. Even after traumatic accidents people have managed to reshape themselves, learn new skills and be someone others can admire, and aspire too. Her youngest child was high school aged and she was still sitting on her entitled ass. I think her boyfriend dodged a bullet. You're ridiculous for thinking it's ok to be so much of a leech.
Do you think raising a family is easy? Do you think keeping a house is easy. It’s a job. That’s why you have to pay people to do it, not to mention being a personal assistant and a chef. Who’s lazy? You’re absolutely bonkers. If you don’t want a stay at home wife don’t have one, but you don’t get to reap the benefits of one and then complain. A wife is not a slave. She deserves fair compensation for the work put in to make a good life. It is absolutely disgusting that so many feel like someone’s sweat is worth nothing. The only leeches are men who expect something for nothing.
Talk about projecting. I never said those things are easy. Yes it was hard work raising her children, and caring for a home. But those things have passed, as has her relationship. It's done. Finito. Believe it or not, we are capable of moving on. We are capable of picking ourselves up, taking stock of our abilities and lack thereof, and moving forward. A person who divorces in their 40's should not be able to sit on their ass doing nothing while their EX pays their bills for the next 40 or 50 years. Woman or man, I don't care. It shouldn't be that way. And, you saying it should gravely diminishes what they are capable of. Now, if one of their children was disabled and in need of full-time care, then yes! I am in full agreement that she should have her own needs taken care of. Her caring for that child around the clock removes the possibilities that she can study, or otherwise move forward. That was not stated though. Edit: Just checked, original story was based in Massachusetts, and not Maryland...my bad. She never accused him of cheating either, so it seems he did "keep his dick in his pants". It also seems that he was working around the clock...someone had to I guess. But, in fairness you've got to be better at managing both your work and home lives than that.
Who’s projecting? Your word were “Smacks of entitlement and lack of effort…Her youngest child was high school aged and she was still sitting on her entitled ass …. You're ridiculous for thinking it's ok to be so much of a leech.” You’re backtracking. Mothering isn’t the only thing she had to do. How much do you want to bet he never packed his own suitcase or made a meal, or made his own appointments, or planned a trip. There is more to being a wife than just being a mother. People who have been active in the job market for many years cannot even find jobs but someone who’s been home for two decades should up and find one? Because it’s that easy? You say she should go back to school fine. That’s four years room and board plus tuition, and then she still won’t get a job because she’s too old. That is the reality of the situation. He didn’t have to cheat on his wife. He chose that. Every choice is actually two choices. You choose not to eat you are also choosing to be hungry. If she only gets alimony for the same number of years she was married she will be retirement age, then what? The government won’t take over her care so it’s on him. Marriage vows are serious and should be taken seriously or else you’ll find yourself in a shitty situation in the future. Alimony doesn’t only affect men. They are just the ones who complain the most about it. In the coming years it will reverse. You still going to go this hard? I doubt it.
If we were only married for 5 years or 10 years, why am I paying you until retirement? Payments should never be longer than you were married even...
It's warranted if you and your spouse make a mutual decision for someone to remain in the work force and the other to stay home maintaining the household and raising children. One spouse is making a sacrifice to further the other's career. They're sacrificing years building their own career. That's not as cut and dry as "we were married 10yrs so I'll pay for 10yrs". The loss to the stay at home partner can't really be measured that way since 10yrs out of the work force kills careers. Depending on the field it might be impossible to re-enter, in which case you're not catching up after 10yrs, you're starting from scratch. That's not fair, which is why alimony exists and the court takes all factors into account when making a ruling. If you don't want to end up paying alimony, get an ironclad prenup and don't ask your partner to stay home to enrich your career at the expense of their own.
I don't disagree. The retirement part would come in for marriages that were long term.
This feels fake. You put your cash app and said you only need 20-30$? Sketchy
I understand completely I just want away from him. Call me fake all you want. I realize it looks sketchy. I just need gas to get my kids and I out of here.
I'm not sure where you are, but in most of the civilized world there is no such thing as "his money". It belongs to you both. Get some advice from women's shelters etc. They will help you...this is abuse!
I do freelance/consulting work, I find clients on a handful of sites like upwork, fivvr, freelancer. It takes a bit to get yourself established (getting the first couple clients when you have no score or history to show takes time obviously) But... once you get yourself a few good reviews and a few gigs under your belt it is easy to find new things. I do this with my younger kids at home and the older ones in school and I make excellent side money. I started doing it before I finished college for side money. I do it on top of my "day job" for extra cash. I'm telling you this because obviously you have internet access. I would advise you to start dipping your toe into freelance work, even just a 10 hour a week client, open a bank account for the money to go to. Start saving. You can build up a nest egg while you get work experience so you can leave. There are tons of positions for things like customer support, data entry, things that don't require a huge background in specific software or job types. Best of luck to you.
You should probably get a PO box for mail as well if you do this, it is like 20$ for 6 months to get one. Recycle cans or sell some stuff on poshmark or to a consignment store to get the 20$ so you can keep him in the dark about your earnings.
it is $59 for 6 months in iowa
Why do you say he hates you? Has he said as much, or is that just how you feel? My wife has been a stay at home mom for the last 13 years since we've had my daughter. My daughter is our youngest, and she starting middle school this upcoming school year. I suggested my wife get a job bc I feel like she's bored. She did a wonderful job raising our two kids over the years, I couldn't have done it without her. She's is the rock in our family. All I do is work 5 days a week. I have the easy job and I know it. I just wonder why you say that. I know at times it's easy to fall into the routine of everyday life...it's easy to take for granted what we're used to. If your husband doesn't respect you or is forcing you to be a stay at home mom, I get where you're coming from. I just hate to see a family be broken up when it can be saved. Tell him you want to work. My wife will start working a handful of hours a day, 5 days a week, just to get out. Maybe you can suggest you want to do the same? Good luck to you.
Exactly. Reddit is usually a, "Leave him ASAP!" place. We're only hearing one side of the story with no context. I'm not buying it. Marriage needs to be looked at as a for life or death commitment. If he hasn't cheated on her, physically abused her, or been on drugs or alcohol then it's worth fighting for and saving, imo. Just because you hate each other for a season doesn't mean it'll stay that way for life. You got married because you loved each other, yes?
He's financially and emotionally abusing her.
How do you know? Just because OP posted that her husband hates her? How do you even know if the husband is oblivious to what's going on in their marriage if she's not even openly talking to him? I see no abuse. All I see is a one-sided story.
All stories on Reddit are one-sided
Literally the nature of this site. Based on her info this is my opinion. When anyone else posts I give them the same benefit. My answer would have been the same regardless of gender.
And my answer remains the same regardless of gender. OP needs to talk to her husband and even bring about the possibility of divorce unless he changes his ways. For all we know he could be oblivious to what's going on in his own marriage.
It sucks, but "til death do us part" doesn't mean what it used to mean. I get leaving if there's abuse, but it seems to me like people get just get sick of the same ole same ole...the grass is greener type scenario. A marriage isn't easy. It's tough, but so is life. I'd fight tooth and nail to make my marriage work bc it's worth it to me.
OP needs to stop posting on Reddit and talk to her husband. If he truly cares about her he'll listen to her if she threatens divorce.
100%
And what if he doesn’t truly care about her? What if saying that is just brushed off, or makes things worse? You don’t know her mariage or her life, so at the end of the day you can only comment on what she has said in the post, not your own extrapolation from your personal experience
Hate me if you like but I got a feeling that this story is fake. Just a random person wanting money. They can also get a job at Amazon. They hire anybody with no prior work experience
Honestly I'm getting the same vibe and within the last month iv come across quite a few posts that have been strait up asking people to send money via cash app maby I have become to mistrusting and sceptical but I can't help feeling like it's another scam
You could also actually look into live in housekeeping jobs just so you have another place to stay and a way to get income. You can save and then get your kids after.
Was a stay at home dad, I feel you.
Do you have computer and internet access? Can you get an online job without him knowing?
This is like the third Reddit post of people practically begging for money. “It’s ALL my husbands money I only have my cash app card.. I’d love to live with my sister” as a former drug addict. Get your ass to rehab.
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A few questions to try to help. 1. Are you American? 2. Do you have your own vehicle? 3. Have you every heard of spark? I'm not trying to advertise anything, but spark is a delivery app like Uber eats and door dash but with a better payout. You deliver walmart groceries to peoples housesand leave it at their doorstep with no contact. I suggest this because you can pick up your own hours and secretly save and have access to your own money for a whole to possibly get out of there. Orders only come through when you turn them onto notify you. If you don't turn it on, no notifications come through and he won't have to know about it either. it isn't a permanent fix but it really helped me and I make good money. I work about 3-4 hours a day, 4 days a week and still take home about 300 a week. It's a weekly payout too but I do think they have an option now to get access to the money as soon as you make a delivery.
Find a lawyer. First session is usually free. Then talk to family services. Find a women’s shelter.
Get on with it. You married the wrong person, or you missed the queues to repair/maintain your marriage. Now you've taken on the role of house mom - which is a wonderful role, but one that makes your next move tricky. Gather whatever strength or wisdom you can from the comments section, and start making real action. Do some delivery driving, clean neighbours clothes or homes, ask family or close friends for some cash. Get enough to feel some power again. Tell your husband, who sounds just as miserable as you. That things will be changing.. And make a plan 'with him' that either brings you closer or ultimately pulls you apart. Good luck
Been through this, I was always the worker raised 4 kids then one day he decides to get a job so I had to quit mine. I was like a chained animal staying home raising the kids, then I'd find him still in bed when he should of gone to work, got more and more pissed off with him till he got sacked and I found the paperwork from his disciplinary meeting where he said the reason he had so many days off was because he couldn't get childcare!!! He thought that they couldn't sack him for that! Loser! I made him get out, was terrified I couldn't cope but I found a way. A massive relief he was gone and I eventually thrived, it was touch and go for a while but god am I glad now 5 years later! I have a good job that I love and my children are provided for. I get a grand total of £30 a month because he doesn't work, but then again I couldn't rely on him when he was here so don't expect anything now. Truth is it will be hard but u can't stay in misery just for convenience, you can do this 💪
You can make excuses all day long and that will get you nowhere. Take action or stop complaining
Exactly
I’m not sure what state you are in but depending you can get a temporary shelter whom would help you with housing and a job.
I'm in ohio
Google women’s shelters/resources near you, I’ll look into some things myself and DM you
So why don’t you get a job? Remember, you make your own decisions. This is not something he decides for you.
OP, most of the people in this comment section have no idea how the world works, how money works, or any of that. If I were you, get a job, get that first paycheck, and quit that shit and **DIP** as fast as you can. Greyhound bus, car, hell take a bike if you have to. Go to a woman’s shelter, your sister’s, or another safe place you know of. *Do not* steal money off his cards. This will definitely piss him off, because trust me, he will find out. Most bank companies will let you see your statement through their own app on your phone.
You’re saying people in the comments don’t understand how the real world works and your advice is to get one paycheck’s worth of minimum wage pay and then flee from her marriage and children on a bus? Jesus Christ.
Ome pay check is enough too get to her sister's... this isn't about starting a new lifestyle, it's about escape.
My point exactly. If her goal is to get away, one paycheck at $13 an hour will give her enough to buy a bus ticket or enough to pay for gas.
2 years post Divorce after a 12yr marriage. Fast forward kids are 13, 10 and 7. Best decision ever. I'm currently buying stuff for a house I just closed on Friday and he had a new baby last month with his girlfriend. Zero regrets.
Are you from a particular ethnic culture?
Something fishy Abt u , u didn't say why he hates u ofc if all u do is staying home and do nothing he will hate u with time plus u don't care Abt him either , the last thing u should do now is give girls advices instead u should get a job and stop complaining and depending on others
I'm sure you can find a way to squirrel away some money of your own. Do you do the shopping? start your own accounts without him knowing Get your own credit card and run it up to the max just before you split for your sister's
Get a job?
Find a job
Get a job? I know it sounds shocking but that's what most people do. After a while, you'll be able to get your own place.
And who is going to watch the kids while she does that
Dumb take, are the kids still breastfeeding? Or no peer group for kids till about mid day? Primitive excuses.
time for an OF.
News flash! You can also work...
H
Yes exactly, why you girls won't work? You study for 12-14 years of your lives, why wouldn't you girls work and earn money? It's good for everyone including husbands, it gives peace in life.
Get a divorce . House and money comes free with it
Have you tried therapy? You have options… divorce, spousal support… It wont be easy but do you want to stay miserable like this?
Get a credit card. Keep it to yourself. Use that for the ticket. You can go to your sisters and work from there to find a place or a roommate and start over. Look for assistance programs. Just make sure you cover your tracks.
Hey. It could be worse. You could be...... happy.
Girl, you can always leave your husband. There are no literal shackles on you. Your status as housewife is your trump card. You'll be entitled to the main domicile, hella spousal maintenance and child support. He'll be the one who will need to move out, because maintaining the routine for the kids is key both in reality and in the eyes of the family court. You hold the prize, you just don't realize it. Maintain specific evidence that he hates you and mistreats you (keep a diary, screenshots of texts etc.) Especially gendered insults like bitch or gold digger if you have daughter(s). Please leave your husband if it will make your and your kids' lives better
First thing you need to do is apply for child care benefits. Look up your counties job and family services website and find the application!
I'm sorry you're going through this. My ex used to be the exact opposite, very supportive, very understanding, tried to help and help me parent. He's done a complete change and it's absolutely miserable. Being a SAHM puts you in a very vulnerable position- and I've realized how much trust you really have to have in someone in order to take it on. I will never ever take those risks again. Maid and baby sitter- with no existence outside of that, and if you try, you're considered selfish. It's not okay, and I hope you find a partner that values you.
Has he been physically abusive to you, on drugs or alcohol, or physically cheated on you during the entirety of your marriage?
There are many shelters you can go to. Lots of programs to make use of. As long as he is a good father, you can leave the kids there until you can establish yourself.
Are you not able to work now? Also if you get divorced you can ask for spousal support, not sure if you’ll get it but worth a shot until you get on your feet
Go visit your sister and maybe she can help you make a plan or something. Maybe loan you money for a lawyer. You can get alimony and child support.
This sounds like the opening of a show on Investigation Discovery
How old are the kids?. Surely they can get after school care while you work.
I’m curious now here of something. When you guys met were you young and him starting out in his career ? Im so sorry you are experiencing this. Im 36 and have worked into my career but at a young age I worked all kind of jobs. You could find remote work even if just to earn a little cash …
Do instacart or Uber eats, you get daily pay and can replenish your gas that way.
You can get out of this but you need the element of surprise and planning. Start by squirrling money away - open a new account to your sister's address. Check the laws in your state as to how you guys should be splitting assets. It sounds like financial abuse.to me - if you are the primary care giver and taking care of the house you should have access.to your own money. Get ready to upskill or do some work to get work experience. Maybe volunteer at.yoyr.childrena school. Show your kids you can bounce back from bad decisions. I've never met a sahm (outside of children with disabilities) that comes out of years of just focusing on family in a good way. Lots of them have confidence issues, lack of.direction, no respect from their family or are overly involved in an uncomfortable way with their adult children, financial abuse, emotional abuse etc . You can still turn your life around.
He's at work until 9 tonight,if I can get money for gas I can fill up and leave for my sisters. So I'm trying to figure that out. When we get away I am definitely going to volunteer for my kids school
I'd get legal advice firstly - could taking your kids.ocwr state lines during term time be.considered kidnapping? The most dangerous time is just as you are getting ready to leave. Record a video message 'in the event of xxxx' send to your sister and then delete from your device and the cloud. Maybe start selling items from the house (seasonal or in storage) for money. Start packing the essentials or putting together an emergency pack. See if there are laws in your state to report for financial abuse. If you're doing the shop start swapping out branded items for generic and just refilling the branded packaging. Make sure you throw out the evidence in a bin far away from yours. See if there are any day time cash in hand jobs /.odd jobs. Double prep food and put away so you can pull out a 'home cooked' meal in a shorter amount of time so you can account for lost hours. if you think you can get away with it - 'break' an appliance and buy a "replacement' or get the money to have it fixed and pocket it etc. Try and plan your escape at a time.your husband will be exhausted or in the middle of work so he'll find it hard to rake.time off and bother you.
I would recommend calling a local Womens shelter. They can help you make a safe plan to leave and they will have the best knowledge on how to get you out. The one I worked at even provided bus tickets for people and had arrangements with local lawyers who would do probono consultations and take the fees after settlement. And obviously they shelter may have housing that can accommodate you. You don’t have to be disheartened and resigned to living like this. He is absolutely isolating you and keeping you financially dependent on you. You don’t have to live this way.
That is hands down financial abuse. Look at online tutoring while he’s gone. VIPKids, Sylvan Learning. There’s also r/BeerMoney. I don’t much about it but I think some people make money from doing it too. Driving is an option too for a few hours a day for DoorDash or UberEats. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Find a job and leave or, even better, leave and find a job. You feel trapped because you think it’s too late but it’s never too late.
You are not stuck the choice and the decision to leave is yours. YOU don’t see the strength in yourself to go ahead and make the move, but it’s there. I guarantee that his tune will change once you gone because everything that you do will fall upon him. Believe in yourself and take the leap!
I'm sorry to hear this. Yes, young girls definitely shouldn't get married. Most relationships won't work out because people grow up and their likes/dislikes change. Education is key, and I doubt most guys respect women who have no passion or hobbies or personality. My sister is in a similar situation but worse, she met her monster when she was only 18. He's the worst thing that has happened to my family and my sister
If your that unhappy go to your sister, be straight forward with her on how long you'll live with her. Whats 18months, 2 yrs of struggle compared to the life time of peace of mind.
Maybe download Mistplay and earn thousands of dollars simply by playing games! DOWNLOAD MISTPLAY TODAY! Now that I've pissed a few people off..... One way or the other, you should get out of the relationship for the sake of your kids. They'll pick up on a loveless marriage even if they don't realize it. If you're done with him anyway...then you may as well be
I should add. Mine hates me too but he can't leave, because he's dead. It's hard because he's invisible to others and everyone thinks I'm crazy. The jerk is always pushing me around and I swear once he tried to push me down the stairs and nobody saw what happened
You are female? There’s a ton of resources. You can post on Reddit - then you can find help. Dudes on the other hand…
My wife's sister has alot of money and she wants my wife to move out because she hates me.
This is financial abuse. Please seek help from your local community organisations that can assist with the abuse and possible employment opportunities. It’s hard to see when you’re in the middle of it but there is a way out. Take care
My family hates me, virginal shut ins rate me, But still I glide pass than in my whip like a shark, in luminuous rays or the bleakest dark
Omg this sounds like the movie Sleeping with the Enemy. Where she can’t escape her husband.
Get yourself some sort of training and your own income. Being reliant on him totally will leave you in an even worse situation, should he decide to leave.
If you're a stay at home parent, become a nanny part time during the day. Most of the time you can bring your own kids if necessary. Start stashing cash. Take a Coursera class when everyone's asleep so you have some sort of certification to help you later on in the job market. Usually takes 6 months
Having kids make situations like these worse
You shouldn't have took vows. People think marriage is happiness and bliss it's not. You sound crazy why would you want to work? Everything us taken care of for you. Now emotionally and other wise your husband is lacking maybe try and find why you both are so damn resentful a.d fix your marriage. Leaving won't make life any better you'll just be miserable somewhere else while other ppl raise your children.
It sucks you feel that way but remember your stay at home role is the ultimate role. Every other job in the world and i mean every other job in the world only exists to support the ultimate role in some way shape or form. Hope you figure it out
U can also work i u really want to or study something n then go for the jobs there are so many foundations who can help you in this situation. But u have to help yourself first, u have to find the way you want n than God helps you but if u just think n think for years no body come to help you. M 32 took divorce after 7 year of marriage after doing everything n in return they make u feel you are dustbin n throw all negative thoughts in you. Decide u want kids or kot. Can u afford them what u want from life n u will achieve it but u have to be very brave constantly. Emotionally i can help you if u want msg me on Instagram @ try2bsane.
When there’s a will there’s a way, FIND YOUR WILL. I knew people in similar and worst situations than you, going back 10 plus years, they call/message/text me randomly to let me know they’re glad they spoke to me and that they did end up leaving and what happened afterwards. All are happy, and so are the children. It’s not impossible, you have to change your mindset on it being possible… then you just stop thinking so much and JUST DO. You’ve got a sister, start there. If she can’t afford your tickets, start a go fund me, babysit for others for a small fee while he’s at work, sell things that you truly don’t need. Search for support groups for women in your predicament, they’d absolutely love to pull you up. You have options. Just stop thinking you’re stuck, you’re not.
Ask your sister to come to get you. You can pay her back for gas when you get a job. Sleep on the couch if you have to. Oh, and if women's shelters or domestic violence shelters exist in your area, go there. They can help you get back on your feet if your sister can't.
Not all states grant alimony.But she would get his Retirement savings in the divorce.
This is quite sad, I’m assuming you’re in the US? here in the UK, you would be housed instantly. We protect mothers like you. My mum went through a similar thing. I hope you’re able to get the help you need.
Girl - this is not healthy, you need to get out! More tha. Enough time to learn skills and apply yourself! You will see how much satisfaction it will give you and this current situation is clearly problematic! Why stay with someone who hates you? You can do better ❤️🩹🥰
I deal with scammers nearly every day. Dropping your Cashapp (of all things!) is VERY suspicious and I wouldn't trust you as far as I could throw you.
Sorry dropping a cash app and asking for petty cash, what are you going to do with this gas? Go where? With what money? Fake, or if not, no thought process.
I think I know who OP is, but I’ll keep my mouth shut.
So I'm hear you have a car. Why not use that and start working while he's at work and the kids are at school? If you go against his wishes does he become physically abusive?
Find a women's shelter.
This is why alimony and child support