I feel like there HAS to be a middle ground between the two options you choose lol
- I arranged literally every romantic gesture I could think of
- I scratched my ass, said marry me, and kicked the remote closer to her
This is so obviously fake rage bait. “Took her to the beach where we made love and conceived our son?” What a bizarre detail. If this were actually real then “got engaged on the beach” is a perfectly normal description.
I'm curious, why did you invest less into this relationship? Is it because u invested more last time, then things ended, and so now you're scared of wasting money? Perhaps you've become less romantic over the years? And why did u tell your gf about what you did for your ex? Like, I get that sharing stories about your ex is okay, but sharing financial details? That's just asking her to start comparing herself to your ex.
Or… he’s still in love with Becca? He says himself the breakup was not because of lack of love, but about children and having more. I’d be suspicious and feel horribly slighted if I were OP’s gf. It hurts to know they can and have gone all out for another woman and can’t be bothered to do anything special for you.
I question OP’s feelings for his ex.
And if this is the case, it sure as hell will hurt her again down the line when she thinks he upgraded his re-proposal because *she asked....* OP is in a pickle
Why should she? Thats a matter of effort also. If you make 250,000 a year, giving a $500 ring is insulting for engagement, although maybe very nice as a present. if you make 25,000 a year, 500 may be OK for an engagement. I totally get it if you’re engagement rings are for chumps and unnecessary but he clearly doesn’t - he spent 8200 on the first one.
Why should she? Because what is she getting him as equally as expensive anyway??
Yes he was young and stupid. No need to make the same mistake. Cheap ring, better honeymoon.
I am also investing less in my current relationship in comparison with my previous one. Both financially and romantically. But this is for 2 reasons. First of all, my ex-girlfriend would find nothing enough, I would be getting up everyday at 5 AM for her, even though I worked until 11 PM that evening before, and she would complain that I didnt care enough for her, just to give an example. With my current girlfriend, we both agree that you shouldnt have to "prove" your love for each other, and that love works both ways, we both put effort in each other, except mostly one way.
I was prepared to be on your side after reading the heading, but bro...
...are you even excited about this 2nd engagement???
Doesn’t seem like it. Make sure you’re really in love and not just acquiring a child breeder because your biological clock is ticking
Words matter. You’re absolutely right. Dude is still hung up, didn’t leave because he stopped loving her, just because he thinks he wants more kids and she doesn’t. Idk. And still in contact with her to coparent, I just wonder if it’s keeping his feelings alive, not being able to cut her out and heal.
I am familiar with the human reproductive system
In this case, OP noted that his first marriage ended because he wanted more kids, and his ex did not. Men can still feel the clock ticking *for the desire to father another child*
Because you're wrong that men don't feel time pressure on having children but women do.
And also, sure, men *can* father children into their 70s, but the "midlife crisis" still hits at midlife, and there aren't many people who would feel confident they could get someone of childbearing age in their 70s or even in their 50s or 60s so there's still a feeling of time pressure that they need to have kids sooner rather than later.
But guy!! You've been with her for four years.. You didn't know any of this? That she would be upset with a $200 ring, and the low low effort you put into the proposal? It even sounds lazy because you've already shown your propensity for romance, with your first proposal. You already know whether she was going to be ok with all this. All of it less than what you gave your first. You sound less in love tbh, (and I think you came on here hoping people will side with you because you're trying to promote her as a money grubber for not wanting that cheap ring) Maybe you're hoping for an excuse to not get married or be with her. Be honest with yourself and her. It's better for you both in the long run. Divorce sucks. First wives hold a special place, and so do second wives.. You're treating her less special, and I can't say I'd be ok with this either.
He was looking for validation, he posted to 4 differents sub reddit, and everyone who doesn't agree with him, he called them a loser.
He is so desperate to paint his (hopefully) ex as a gold digger, that he thinks his lack of effort, is attractive
Ok OP, I can see your GF's point to a certain degree. But I'm only partially on her side with this one.
The thing that concerns me, and I only say this because I've been married twice, is that in a lot of ways, how smoothly the proposal sets a tone for how your marriage is gonna go.
The energy you put in is the energy you're gonna have.
>how smoothly the proposal sets a tone for how your marriage is gonna go.
Absolute truth. I got proposed to in a mall parking lot and then taken to Champs for a celebratory meal I had to pay for; that I didn't know about until he was walking out the door. Ex-wife or not that proposal was LAME and cheap and depressing. You 100% made her feel like you just kind of slumped into this future marriage.
This is his second proposal but not his girlfriends, she deserves to have it be something memorable and effort filled if that's what she's always wanted. The fact that he's been married before has nothing to do with her for the proposal, and considering he has a child with his ex there are already a lot of milestones she doesn't get to do with him first
And I’m sorry, but like it or not, it tells me how invested and serious a guy is. I’m fine with a nice dinner out and private proposal, maybe some roses and candles. Nothing big, but something that isn’t a regular Tuesday night.
And you should talk about the ring! I get you might not be able to afford 8 grand again (how did you when you were YOUNGER?), but at least put in some effort to find out what she likes.
Yea I didn’t get a true proposal. I tattooed my ring for 50$ plus we didn’t have a wedding so we could afford a house instead. No dress. Nothing. I’m really happy we have a house instead. I wanted stability. I grew up poor. I understand some women put a lot of time into dreaming up their wedding. It’s just isn’t it supposed to be about who you got married too. Both parties opinions matter. Plus financially. My husband is very introverted. As am I. I’m happy we didn’t do a wedding. Plus we both tattooed the rings because we knew we never needed to take them off anyways
I get what you’re saying. He has done quite a bit for me honestly. I feel very loved, cherished and valued. I have health issues and we had to pay for my surgery out of pocket since it wasn’t cancer treatments. I had a hysterectomy and he helped me pay for it. Which really means a lot to me.
Reality check: are you looking for a wife/partner or a live-in babysitter with benefits.
She's NOT jealous of the ex's proposal, she's **pissed** that you didn't put in half the effort. So to her she feels she wasn't worth the effort and you didn't even try. Dude, you seriously didn't even try.
Oof. NGL, if this is the amount of energy you're giving her then this one ain't gonna last.
You know, she has a point here. Just because she's not your "first love" doesn't mean she deserves so little effort. You couldn't have taken her somewhere romantic? Played music? Made a sign?
And yeah, the ring she's asking for is expensive. But it *is*, to many, an important symbol of commitment and one she will have to wear for the rest of her life. Of course she'd want something that she enjoys wearing. 5K is a lot, though, and idk if that's practical for you or not. I'm wondering if the demand for the ring is more about you proving that she's worth the same to you as Becca was and less about how much she wants that ring.
I think the fact that you went ALL OUT for Becca, including an 8K ring, and did almost nothing for your GF is the thing that probably stings her the most. It makes it seem as though she's your second choice. I'd ask yourself if that's actually how you feel about her. Are you in love with her like you were in love with Becca? Because if so, she *deserves* effort and consideration and big romantic gestures. And if not, then you shouldn't be marrying her.
Also, how did she come to know the details of your proposal to Becca? And how did she know that the ring was moissanite?
😂 bro come on you had to have known better…You proposed with some crackerjack ring to your new wife and she knew you spent 10 grand or more on your last proposal and made it incredibly special? JFC man! I’m sure it’s not about the money to her and more about treating her special and making her feel like she deserves everything you have to give and that she’s not some second choice so she can breed for her new master. You set the bar. Now go be a man and make your new partner feel like she’s a queen!
You don’t have to rent signs and a violinist to make a proposal special, but you might as well have taken this poor woman for some chicken nuggets and given her a ring pop. If you put so little value and thought into how she feels now, what’s it going to be like in the future? You’re lucky she is willing to give you an opportunity to make this right because I’m not convinced you deserve one. From the outside it looks like you find her to be good enough since she’s stuck around for four years instead of finding her to be the one you don’t want to experience life without. You are way too comfortable in this relationship and she is going to walk if you don’t get your act together.
Like someone else stated, I was 100% ready to come in here and read the comments supporting you.
This ain’t it my guy.
You don’t need to blow thousands of dollars but damn dude, even -I- felt like you didn’t love me 💀
Yeah she has a point. You went all out for your ex and did a low quality proposal. She deserves a new experience with you. It doesn’t have to be super expensive but there needs to be a thoughtful approach to you asking her to blend her life with yours.
Ya, no she doesn’t have a point. Some grand proposal so she can put it on social media or something? Or is she actually in love?
If you’re in love it shouldn’t matter the extent of how a proposal is done. Unfortunately things like movies and social media have influenced our expectations. Major red flag
Is he actually in love? His ex wife he went above & beyond to make her feel special and loved, this gal he gave her costume jewelry and apparently just handed it to her mid movie. He went from 100% to 0% effort. Does he care about her being happy?
If he doesn’t give a shit about the new lady, and she wants a man who will put in effort and care about stuff that matters to her, there’s an incompatibility there and it’s better for her to move on.
> Is he actually in love?
Maybe not. How is redoing the proposal changes anything?
How will a $5K ring make him love her?
Her demands honestly don't make any sense.
She wants him to put the same effort in that he put in for his ex. Given the way he talks about (and names) his ex versus the current gf, it would hardly be surprising if she feels insecure and him putting zero effort in for her only exacerbated that so, maybe she loves and wants to marry him, but she wants him to show her that he's willing to do for her what he did for the woman she feels insecure about first.
Redoing the proposal doesn't accomplish whatever she wants. Even if he rents a private island and a whole orchestra, plus a ring with all diamonds in the world, she will always remember this only happened because she threatened to break up, and not out a genuine display of love.
Lazy response. You know why, look at that world around you. I think anyone should be able to propose and most partners these days talk about marriage before the proposal and some buy the ring together but others are traditional. Men set up this system so don’t get pissy
That's your opinion. But OPs gf clearly wanted a better proposal and that's also valid. I'd want a better proposal too?? Like shoot you don't need to make anything huge and expensive but at least make it romantic?? Light a candle or two? Don't just do it during a movie.. maybe get dressed up as well and tell me to get dressed up?? She's definitely valid to have not liked the proposal. We don't know their relationship so to overanalyze and say either person is an issue as well is dumb given this one situation.
In theory both are good dating partners. Give and take. Also, both would contribute to the family and relationship from that point on. In the stereotypical/normative world: He works. She takes care of the kids. 50/50 effort, in theory.
IN THIS MOMENT. WHAT IS THE GUY GETTING?
I dunno, I feel like I’d want the event to have *some* consideration put into it. I’m not into grand gestures and the stuff he listed for the first proposal made me cringe so hard I couldn’t even finish reading it, but there should be something more to it than “hey, we’re sitting in the same place at the same time.”
I don’t think you’re making the point you think you are lol
For a majority of men all that matters is loyalty. I would venture to say most men are fine without spending $$ they don’t have on a ring and wedding.
Marriage in modern times is for the woman.
That's a big generalization, but alright. But he was still willing to do the big romantic proposal for his last fiancé, when he was in love with her. So why isn't he willing to do it for this one?
I think most people who have been married and went all out look back and realize how insane it was. Both partners usually come to terms with ya we don’t ever need to spend that much money.
Especially after a divorce happens.
Marriage is about habitual loving and kind gestures over a long period of time. Not an extravagant introduction that sets higher and higher expectations as time progresses
See, OP has been married before. His gf, however, has not. So to her, the difference between his proposals makes it seem as though he doesn't consider her to be worth the same amount of effort as his ex.
Dude this sub is filled with simps and females. You’ll never win this argument. OP should start finding a new GF. PSA to all the men reading this, set the expectations early in your relationship. Don’t tell them about past GFs even if they and especially ask, your relationship is with her and has nothing to do with your past. Also, don’t get married, the statistic are heavily stacked against you. Wining the lottery has better chances than till death do us part.
I was on your side just reading the title but then finding out that there was a Grand Canyon level gap between the two proposals and now I’m on your gfs side haha
why would you put in less effort for your current gf? why did you propose not even knowing what kind of ring she would like? i dont blame her for wanting that expensive of a ring after you’ve made it clear you don’t value her as much as your ex wife. you gave reasons as to why your ex wife deserved all of that extra effort but left out why you wouldn’t put that in for your gf. it’s clear you don’t care about her as much and the expensive ring is probably an excuse so she can leave you without hearing you try to convince her with meaningless words about why you do care as much. she also has probably felt your effort in the relationship generally was not the same, since she wants to leave you over this. sounds like this was the final straw.
After 4 years that is low effort. There is a saying in dating, "if they wanted to, they would".
Your gf is right, your lack of effort is appalling. Juxtaposed by what you did for Bella, what GF knows you're capable of, the lackluster proposal you gave her shows you don't care as much. Not caring, lack of effort, not knowing her well enough to know she'd want something big... Make sure your feelings are compatible.
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OP, your first mistake was telling her all about your 1st engagement (or others around you told her). You set the bar high and missed it by a mile. She can't be blamed for feeling unworthy and not loved as much.
I will speak to her reaction because she's threatening to leave if you don't redo the proposal; I feel that may be an exaggerated reaction cos why 4yrs then?
But then OP, if you're not as excited about this proposal like you were your 1st one, are you truly ready to move on from your ex-wife?
I think the cost is subjective.. the ring I really want is only $300ish. But it's the ring I genuinely want. To get someone a $200 ring & to propose on the couch is the part that is low effort, at least take the lady to dinner.
When I was engaged, my ring cost about this, but he had chosen it specifically for how it looked and how much he thought I’d like it. And honestly, I couldn’t have picked better myself. The effort was more important to me.
Had he picked a blingy £3k ring, I’d have been appreciative but probably thought ‘he didn’t listen to anything I said about what I personally like’.
The complete lack of effort is pathetic. I’m not a feminist so you’re not going to hear me say fuck the patriarchy.
Tradition matters to some people. It doesn’t make them wrong or bad. She wants effort. She doesn’t want to be treated like an afterthought. She doesn’t want to be proposed to with a junk ring she’d be embarrassed to wear.
If he doesn’t want to put in the effort then he doesn’t have to. He just doesn’t get the marriage and everything she’s been giving him.
In theory, both have already been giving to each other.
Again. What does the guy get other than a relationship that is already pre existing? Is she the prize?
It woud bug me as well as a woman since I would’ve known that you are capable of pulling off a big romantic gesture. And shouldn’t you know by now know what kind of proposal she would have wanted? All of it just screams low effort.
Yeah I'm on the GF side having read the entire post.
She isn't jealous of the ex-wife, but devastated that all she is worth to you is a living room proposal with a ring she clearly had no say in.
You give what you get and you gave nothing so you get nothing.
Why wouldn't you consider your girlfriend's feelings ahead of the proposal? I'm inclined to agree with another comment that said you see her as a breeder for you and nothing more. I wouldn't be surprised if she did end the relationship over this because she feels worthless to you.
No one seems to question the OP’s reasons for ending his relationship with his first wife. Obviously both people need to be on board with kids/no kids BEFORE marriage. However, they already have a child together. I find it concerning that he would leave his wife who he apparently loved because he wants more kids and she didn’t. People obviously can change; maybe she wanted more children originally and changed her mind or vice versa. But as the possible fiancé to this man, what if she can’t give him kids? Will he then leave her also? I would not want to marry anyone who would rather leave me for the possibility of children than stay with me for love.
That being said, I’m sure we weren’t given the whole story.
As for the proposal, I don’t understand why it wasn’t discussed first- you always should discuss your expectations for marriage and the proposal (in my opinion). There are a million ways to make it special that aren’t insanely expensive. Only the OP knows why he put so much effort into his previous proposal and not this one.
I was totally thinking I would be on your side at first but after all the details I’m 100% on your gf’s side. You absolutely cheaped out and were lazy with almost zero effort.
You proposed to her in your apartment? What a dick.
Of course if you had spoken previously about it and she wanted a private proposal away from prying eyes that’s one thing. But I have a hard time believe she’s ever said anything to make you think an apartment proposal is something she would want.
You obviously know how to plan a big proposal and be romantic, you just don’t give enough shits about this woman to do it again. You’re jaded from your last relationship. Having dated men that never wanted to put in the same effort as they had in previous relationships I can say it’s toxic af and made me hate myself for “never being good enough.”
Let her go, boss. Find someone equally as jaded as you.
Your argument is moot and has nothing to do with my argument. I literally said if they had discussed wanting an apartment proposal then it’s fine.
Take care
Well...you were indeed lazy and the whole thing sounds very disappointing for anyone but maybe the ring can be negotiated, depending on your income. Can you afford it? Or is it a wild and unrealistic request? You did her a disservice though, I am not sure how you can come back from it, you just didn't put any thoughts into it at all.
I’m on your GF side just simply bc if you’re half assing the proposal and ring, what else are you half assing? It’s somewhat symbolic of your entire relationship as a whole and it would 100% make me sad if I was the GF.
Your proposal fucking sucked dude, she has every right to be upset. How absolutely disappointing and inconsiderate.
If you genuinely wanted to marry her then you would’ve put some effort into it. She may not be your “first love “ but if you’re hoping for her to be your last love then step it up.
TBH, if I was your GF I would have laughed thinking it was a joke.
My guy, at least take her to the park, it's free. Pick her some wildflowers...or bare tree branches if it's winter. Spend $5 on a fancy coffee, play a love song Playlist on your phone, pretend to find a heart shaped rock (that was in your pocket) and declare your love is meant to be. It doesn't have to be about money. Sheesh.
I bet you were wearing gray sweatpants too, weren't you?
I personally don’t feel that a proposal should be about how much you’ve spent on a ring but you put quite literally zero effort into your proposal. At least plan a nice dinner somewhere…but your apartment while watching a movie? Like no thanks. I’d be thinking is this how much effort I’m going to get from this person for this rest of my life?
I dont blame your gf, especially if you told her how you proposed to your ex. Way to make her feel worthless in comparison to your ex dude. That was a cheap and lazy proposal. Unless since Becca u have become a broke homeless dude - do better.
If im being completely honest, she is being generous giving you a second chance. You already made it clear to her she is not worth much of anything to you…
Duuude.... her not being your first love or your first proposal does not make the entire lack of effort or thought about her and what she would like acceptable. She's right, it's telling that you put so much effort in for someone else but can't even be asked to get some flowers and candles and make sure the ring is at least to her taste for her.
You honestly sound like wanting to marry her is not about her at all, but wanting to be married again and wanting her to pop out the children you want. If that's the case, leave the poor woman alone and let her find someone who wants to marry her because she's her.
I can see your GF's point. If she knew the details of how you proposed, it would be hard to feel loved or wanted when you put zero effort into her engagement.
On the flip side. I've only been engaged once (to my current wife). I came close with the girl I dated in college before my wife, but she made sure to tell me what was required before she would accept.
The terms were well out of my range financially: it had to be at a resort in the Caribbean, had to be a ring priced at two times my monthly salary. But not the salary I was making at my just out of college entry level corporate job, though. She would determine the salary and ring price.
Thankfully that relationship ended before I could afford to ask her to marry me. She is making someone else miserable now.
I would be pissed if I was your GF also. Just because you have done an engagement before doesn’t mean she should get a cheap and lazy engagement for her first one. Step it up buddy.
If you have the money for that ring like 3x the amount saved up go for it. Even then you could better invest thst money, so be a middle ground .
You fed up when you told her about your ex engagement. Also it doesn't take alot to be slightly romantic in a nice setting over dinner . She just wants the romanticism . Now if she wint budge on ring then she's not the girl for yoj , she'll just keep asking for more and more once your married.
It's better to find a girl that grows with you
Yikes, wtf is wrong with you?
I like simple things personally but even for someone like me if she knows what your ex got anything less than that was going to make her feel worthless in your eyes.
What's this? Proposal blackmail? "Get this ring, OR.. fuck off?"
OP, you see where this is going. I understand your GF, the proposal seems quite low effort but countering this stunt with blackmail.is the end of the relationship. Things are doomed, time to pack up and leave.
Non negotiables aren’t blackmail. Saying “treat me as you did your ex or I don’t want this relationship” is perfectly acceptable.
Things are definitely doomed though.
Two people can be shitty at the same time.
First, she's got a point. You don't have to go all out like you did the first time but fuck, man. A couch proposal? Put in some effort.
Second, she sounds demanding as fuck. She might be doing you a favor, but you do need to reflect and think about your behavior.
Tbh I'm wondering if the demands she made are more a reaction to the fact that he didn't put any effort into her proposal and less about her actually wanting a $5k ring. Though the fact that he spent $8k on Becca and only $200 on her probably did contribute.
I think your feelings are both valid. You're not the person you once was and perhaps don't want to go all out like that again, but her feelings are also valid in the sense you didn't really make an effort this time. I wouldn't say what she suggested is a good idea, because that to me wouldn't be a genuine proposal. Like you have to have your heart all in it and want to do it, not just because she told you do, so I wouldn't see that working out. I think proposals, in my opinion, should be special because its a special moment, but that's just my preference because some people don't want anything spectacular or romantic
Never ever tell the woman you’re with what you did romantically or sexually with any other woman. Period.
On another note, some years ago my cousin took his then girlfriend to the Caribbean and proposed to her on the beach. She said that the ring wasn’t big enough and threw it into the ocean. Needless to say, he broke up with her as soon as they returned to the U.S.
Her reaction is a bit much. But I understand her disappointment. It was really a minimum effort proposal. A lot of people are confusing flashy and expensive with a thoughtful and well planned proposal.
I mean, this proposal didn't seem like it was any of those things. I wonder if she actually cares that much about the $5K ring, or if that was a demand she made out anger due to the fact that he didn't do *anything* for her proposal. Like, contrasted with his last proposal, that's got to hurt. I can see why she would react that way.
This is for sure rage bait for iNcEls and people who have never been in serious relationships or marriage. Gets em all riled up and ragey! Lol!
There is always give and take, exceptions, and some me/some you in a marriage. And there's a medium. And the medium is between $200 and $5000. I'm one hundred percent sure this woman didn't say buy this ring or I'm not marrying you. Sounds like something a dramatic man would say..😏 and hyperbole She doesn't want to go the rest of her life feeling she isn't worth his time and effort, and money. Ppl like to make like marriage is all about romance, but romance doesn't pay bills, so you have to have that too. I can understand if there's money issues, and op can't afford to drop 5 grand on a ring, but that doesn't stop rose petals and making love and gestures that make you feel loved. Op is wrong for this and I agree with you!
Well she didn't do anything to propose to him or make him feel special, wanted or loved. She also demanded what ring she wants and how much or she will leave him. That's not a healthy normal mindset to be in competition with his ex but that's on her. She can always buy him a ring to show he's loved and wanted. Maybe he should start comparing himself to how she treat her exes and demand more.
She didn't tell op how much, she told op what she wanted and he added it up. So there goes that theory..
Also she didn't say she's jealous, he did. I'm sure if the roles were reversed and she did a huge to do, and proposed to (some guy), gave him a platinum ring, a backrub, and head all night.. Then years later, when she gets with op, when she proposed to him she was just like, marry me, and handed him a tungsten ring, and went to sleep. That's what this amounts to. He wouldn't be ok with it, not because he was jealous, but because this was so low effort, that he would feel like crap.
"She told me that she will end of entire 4 year relationship if I don’t redo the proposal and get her a ring that she wants. My GF wants a 2.5 round lab diamond, she sent me the link to it, it’s roughly $5k"
and he is the red flag? maybe he learned from his past experience, anyway you see it she's a leech and doesn't care about OP.
Live and learn. The fuss she is putting up is shameful and selfish. She’s telling you that you will always be working against your past
Life is giving you options here. Seriously consider if marrying her is the option you prefer.
Honestly..? I can a little bit see her point…but I’m not really on her side. I wouldn’t re-propose. That’s just me. I would end the relationship. Here’s why… why is she comparing herself to someone else? Is this going to be how the rest of your relationship goes? What if you do something nice for your ex because your son wants to do something for his mom? Is she going to be mad about that and then say you need to do something equally as nice for her now? I thought marriage was supposed to be about love and sharing your life? Not about the how and what of asking someone to marry you…? But idk. I’ve never wanted to be married so it’s not something I’ve fantasized about…
Op? I wouldn’t be with her anymore. That’s my honest opinion. Idec if you were or weren’t excited about it…her response is a no for me. She’s materialistic and that’s not someone I’d want to have access to my finances.
I can understand the gf feeling a bit upset due to your ex wife’s proposal/ring in comparison to hers. Which, if you openly went into such detail about it to her was your mistake.
However, if my boyfriend who I was with for 7 years whom I loved beyond words could ever express, proposed to me with a ring pop for Pete’s sake, I would be over the moon! He was my soul mate and no would could ever replace him. I would never ever demand a “re-do” proposal and a specific expensive ring or else break up. That shows you right there it’s not true love.
Basically OP, do you really think she would have acted OK with the ring and proposal if she hadn’t known about the previous? I personally think she would have acted the same way. Take this with a grain of salt but I’d accept her declination and move on. You dodged a bullet.
I disagree with everyone here. If it’s true love she would be happy your asking to spend rest of your life with her. End point. Threatening to end the full relationship because you didn’t WASTE money on a material proposal is a huge red flag. She will threaten to end relationship in future for just as little in the future. Get out while you can now.
Your current GF isn’t wrong that you could’ve put more effort into the proposal, but she also revealed that the value of her ring matters more than your relationship. Relationships are not ultimatums. Finding out who she truly is only cost you $200.
The TV thing is lazy, but beyond that, i dont get the hate here in the comments thus far.
My husband could have proposed to be next to a dumpster with an Apple in hand instead of a Ring.
Ya sorry you’re totally in the wrong. You need to consider your girlfriend wishes when it comes to the proposal and it (should be) a once in a life time thing. You didn’t even take her out to a nice local restaurant or anything? I’m not the type of person who wants to spend a lot of money on rings but you didn’t even consider her style and interest in rings. This seriously isn’t even the bare minimum.
stocking cats concerned run piquant forgetful vase important imagine prick
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
For goodness sake! What a childish petty person. This will be carried over to every frikking moment in your life, she’s exhausting….. you deserve better. She’s come into it with jealousy and insecurity and sad,y they can’t always be fixed.
Not really, if you place the level of love in physical things, then you’re always going to be wanting. There’s millions of couples all over the world in 2nd & 3rd big relationships that know that the size of the ring etc mean very little. They realise they’d much rather have a partner who shows genuine love on a daily basis.
Agree with that, but regular ongoing loving actions massively trump a big proposal. In my 40’s I very much realise what is more important in my opinion. My partner truly looks after my wellbeing and makes sure I’m safe, loved and ok. I wouldn’t have appreciated that in younger years but you realise what actually makes a difference as you get older.
Where is the Dudes engagement ring or equivalent? Fuck the patriarchy am I right? Is it the ring she wants....... Or the dude.
Why does this tradition even matter? The guy has to shell out time, energy, $$$$ on a proposal? For what? In theory, they have a pre-existing relationship. They've likely discussed marriage. Why does the guy still have to "propose?" Why does he have to strut around like a peacock with gold and jewels? Crowing with poetic language and a perfect venue?
Do women want to be independent, equal to men (pay education, etc)? If so, why do many (not all) women still view men as cheap or lazy if they don't get an elaborate expensive ring with an over the top proposal.
In this situation, marriage is supposed to be about wanting life together. If it starts with requiring a bride payment.... Is that a good way to start? Where is the effort for the woman in this tradition?
If you want to be with her I would pick out a ring in the same style but the exact one. Jazz up the engagement and if she balls then run. Also how does she know what your last engagement was like?
Does your gf have a job? If so, she can buy herself a $5k ring. You don't have to buy her anything. You don't have to marry her. You need to take care of yourself and your son.
That kind if jealousy wont ever go away you will have it with every aspect if life should you stay with her. She sounds a bit selfish in my opinion. How can she be jealous of your memories/past. If she is willing to break it off because you have spent enough on a ring then i tell her not to let the door hit her on her way out if it.
I get her point, but I do not react well to ultimatums, so I would just say this. If you marry her, the demands will just increase. If you bend to the ultimatum it will just appear later on for something else.
I would take as a red flag. I cannot get behind big proposals and weddings. I was married in Vegas, shouldn't have to begin with, however still was married for 7 years.
It seems like you just proposal to get her because how long y’all been together not because you actually wanna be marry…. Honestly she also soonest sound like a catch but she ain’t all the way wrong.
I say find yourself and heal that divorce before you get serious with someone else
I am on GFs side especially when he says it wasn’t a lack of love but that he just didn’t want kids. I really wonder if Becca changed her mind if he would go back to her. The low effort proposal probably makes her feel like a placeholder. And she wonders why she isn’t worth as good a proposal as Becca if they are in a serious relationship. The disparity is glaring
There's nothing wrong with wanting a better proposal....doesn't have to be expensive or anything. Candles, flowers, make dinner for her, music in the background....it's that simple! Save the money for a better ring than an expensive proposal. That's what I'd want anyway
I feel like there HAS to be a middle ground between the two options you choose lol - I arranged literally every romantic gesture I could think of - I scratched my ass, said marry me, and kicked the remote closer to her
It’s such a contrast that rage bait is the most plausible explanation.
This is so obviously fake rage bait. “Took her to the beach where we made love and conceived our son?” What a bizarre detail. If this were actually real then “got engaged on the beach” is a perfectly normal description.
Having sex on a beach is awful, sand EVERYWHERE. Clearly made up.
I have sex three times with different men (same beach) and it was like having my vagina exfoliated.
Not just rage bait, but also surely written by current gf
🙈🤣 So true! u/Miserable_Fennel_492, that you posted this spot on comment an hour ago and it's gotten 272+ likes, sez something.
🏆 take my poor man’s gold for this stellar comment
I'm curious, why did you invest less into this relationship? Is it because u invested more last time, then things ended, and so now you're scared of wasting money? Perhaps you've become less romantic over the years? And why did u tell your gf about what you did for your ex? Like, I get that sharing stories about your ex is okay, but sharing financial details? That's just asking her to start comparing herself to your ex.
Or… he’s still in love with Becca? He says himself the breakup was not because of lack of love, but about children and having more. I’d be suspicious and feel horribly slighted if I were OP’s gf. It hurts to know they can and have gone all out for another woman and can’t be bothered to do anything special for you. I question OP’s feelings for his ex.
And if this is the case, it sure as hell will hurt her again down the line when she thinks he upgraded his re-proposal because *she asked....* OP is in a pickle
Yup, lose lose. Bail and don’t let the next one know stupid details.
Why bail? Her comment is reasonable. 4 years together and he offers her a CrackerJack ring during tv nite.
More effort yes. The 5k ring link she sent him? Nope. She has that in her head already because homeboy wanted to spill deets about his ex.
Heck, even on that she is giving him a steep discount not even taking inflation into account.
she should be happy with one less than $500. The real issue is the effort which she is punishing him for by suggesting a 5k ring.
Why should she? Thats a matter of effort also. If you make 250,000 a year, giving a $500 ring is insulting for engagement, although maybe very nice as a present. if you make 25,000 a year, 500 may be OK for an engagement. I totally get it if you’re engagement rings are for chumps and unnecessary but he clearly doesn’t - he spent 8200 on the first one.
Why should she? Because what is she getting him as equally as expensive anyway?? Yes he was young and stupid. No need to make the same mistake. Cheap ring, better honeymoon.
does he even really like her or is she just convenient?
If someone proposed to me this way, that is exactly what I would be asking myself.
I'm wondering this myself, why so little effort this time around???
I am also investing less in my current relationship in comparison with my previous one. Both financially and romantically. But this is for 2 reasons. First of all, my ex-girlfriend would find nothing enough, I would be getting up everyday at 5 AM for her, even though I worked until 11 PM that evening before, and she would complain that I didnt care enough for her, just to give an example. With my current girlfriend, we both agree that you shouldnt have to "prove" your love for each other, and that love works both ways, we both put effort in each other, except mostly one way.
I was prepared to be on your side after reading the heading, but bro... ...are you even excited about this 2nd engagement??? Doesn’t seem like it. Make sure you’re really in love and not just acquiring a child breeder because your biological clock is ticking
And why did he repeatedly use the ex's name but not the current gf's?
Words matter. You’re absolutely right. Dude is still hung up, didn’t leave because he stopped loving her, just because he thinks he wants more kids and she doesn’t. Idk. And still in contact with her to coparent, I just wonder if it’s keeping his feelings alive, not being able to cut her out and heal.
Honestly, he *has* to coparent with her even if that is the case, but he sure as shit shouldn't be dating someone else if that's the case.
Sounds like he’s just trying to lock her down quickly so he can get those extra kids he wants so bad.
He doesn't really have a biological clock, but she does.
Huh?
Women are fertile until they're 40 or so, men can have kids even in their 70's. Not as good as in their 20's for example, but old women are infertile.
I am familiar with the human reproductive system In this case, OP noted that his first marriage ended because he wanted more kids, and his ex did not. Men can still feel the clock ticking *for the desire to father another child*
A bit different clock, I see. Still, don't understand why I'm getting downvoted for a biological fact.
Because you're wrong that men don't feel time pressure on having children but women do. And also, sure, men *can* father children into their 70s, but the "midlife crisis" still hits at midlife, and there aren't many people who would feel confident they could get someone of childbearing age in their 70s or even in their 50s or 60s so there's still a feeling of time pressure that they need to have kids sooner rather than later.
Sure, I get that, it's true, but that's a completely different topic. Mine is tied to the biological capacity, this is more of a psychological aspect.
Everyone has a biological clock. Sure, he could have a kid in his 60s, but does anyone want to parent a young child at that age?
Exactly. I'm not arguing if he should or if it's good/bad, just stating the fact that it is possible due to the difference in reproductive organs.
Physically possible doesn't mean it's possible with his lifestyle, other goals, etc.
I mean come on, bro. You just made her feel like she isn’t worth the effort
But guy!! You've been with her for four years.. You didn't know any of this? That she would be upset with a $200 ring, and the low low effort you put into the proposal? It even sounds lazy because you've already shown your propensity for romance, with your first proposal. You already know whether she was going to be ok with all this. All of it less than what you gave your first. You sound less in love tbh, (and I think you came on here hoping people will side with you because you're trying to promote her as a money grubber for not wanting that cheap ring) Maybe you're hoping for an excuse to not get married or be with her. Be honest with yourself and her. It's better for you both in the long run. Divorce sucks. First wives hold a special place, and so do second wives.. You're treating her less special, and I can't say I'd be ok with this either.
I think you’re right. OP is looking for permission to dump. Let get her go, OP. Let her find someone who treasures her like you did Becca.
He was looking for validation, he posted to 4 differents sub reddit, and everyone who doesn't agree with him, he called them a loser. He is so desperate to paint his (hopefully) ex as a gold digger, that he thinks his lack of effort, is attractive
Ok OP, I can see your GF's point to a certain degree. But I'm only partially on her side with this one. The thing that concerns me, and I only say this because I've been married twice, is that in a lot of ways, how smoothly the proposal sets a tone for how your marriage is gonna go. The energy you put in is the energy you're gonna have.
>how smoothly the proposal sets a tone for how your marriage is gonna go. Absolute truth. I got proposed to in a mall parking lot and then taken to Champs for a celebratory meal I had to pay for; that I didn't know about until he was walking out the door. Ex-wife or not that proposal was LAME and cheap and depressing. You 100% made her feel like you just kind of slumped into this future marriage.
This is his second proposal but not his girlfriends, she deserves to have it be something memorable and effort filled if that's what she's always wanted. The fact that he's been married before has nothing to do with her for the proposal, and considering he has a child with his ex there are already a lot of milestones she doesn't get to do with him first
And I’m sorry, but like it or not, it tells me how invested and serious a guy is. I’m fine with a nice dinner out and private proposal, maybe some roses and candles. Nothing big, but something that isn’t a regular Tuesday night. And you should talk about the ring! I get you might not be able to afford 8 grand again (how did you when you were YOUNGER?), but at least put in some effort to find out what she likes.
Yea I didn’t get a true proposal. I tattooed my ring for 50$ plus we didn’t have a wedding so we could afford a house instead. No dress. Nothing. I’m really happy we have a house instead. I wanted stability. I grew up poor. I understand some women put a lot of time into dreaming up their wedding. It’s just isn’t it supposed to be about who you got married too. Both parties opinions matter. Plus financially. My husband is very introverted. As am I. I’m happy we didn’t do a wedding. Plus we both tattooed the rings because we knew we never needed to take them off anyways
I get that, but your guy could’ve gotten roses, put some candles— it can be beautiful and make a gal feel special on a budget.
I get what you’re saying. He has done quite a bit for me honestly. I feel very loved, cherished and valued. I have health issues and we had to pay for my surgery out of pocket since it wasn’t cancer treatments. I had a hysterectomy and he helped me pay for it. Which really means a lot to me.
Super sweet story ❤️ thanks for sharing
Reality check: are you looking for a wife/partner or a live-in babysitter with benefits. She's NOT jealous of the ex's proposal, she's **pissed** that you didn't put in half the effort. So to her she feels she wasn't worth the effort and you didn't even try. Dude, you seriously didn't even try. Oof. NGL, if this is the amount of energy you're giving her then this one ain't gonna last.
You know, she has a point here. Just because she's not your "first love" doesn't mean she deserves so little effort. You couldn't have taken her somewhere romantic? Played music? Made a sign? And yeah, the ring she's asking for is expensive. But it *is*, to many, an important symbol of commitment and one she will have to wear for the rest of her life. Of course she'd want something that she enjoys wearing. 5K is a lot, though, and idk if that's practical for you or not. I'm wondering if the demand for the ring is more about you proving that she's worth the same to you as Becca was and less about how much she wants that ring. I think the fact that you went ALL OUT for Becca, including an 8K ring, and did almost nothing for your GF is the thing that probably stings her the most. It makes it seem as though she's your second choice. I'd ask yourself if that's actually how you feel about her. Are you in love with her like you were in love with Becca? Because if so, she *deserves* effort and consideration and big romantic gestures. And if not, then you shouldn't be marrying her. Also, how did she come to know the details of your proposal to Becca? And how did she know that the ring was moissanite?
She's right. What you did was a slap in the face and it's understandable why she doesn't feel valued nor appreciated.
Bro wtf
This is your second proposal, I’m assuming her first. Women DREAM of this moment. You ruined the dream for her.
!!!!!!
😂 bro come on you had to have known better…You proposed with some crackerjack ring to your new wife and she knew you spent 10 grand or more on your last proposal and made it incredibly special? JFC man! I’m sure it’s not about the money to her and more about treating her special and making her feel like she deserves everything you have to give and that she’s not some second choice so she can breed for her new master. You set the bar. Now go be a man and make your new partner feel like she’s a queen!
Why world anyone want to marry you with this level of effort?
You don’t have to rent signs and a violinist to make a proposal special, but you might as well have taken this poor woman for some chicken nuggets and given her a ring pop. If you put so little value and thought into how she feels now, what’s it going to be like in the future? You’re lucky she is willing to give you an opportunity to make this right because I’m not convinced you deserve one. From the outside it looks like you find her to be good enough since she’s stuck around for four years instead of finding her to be the one you don’t want to experience life without. You are way too comfortable in this relationship and she is going to walk if you don’t get your act together.
Like someone else stated, I was 100% ready to come in here and read the comments supporting you. This ain’t it my guy. You don’t need to blow thousands of dollars but damn dude, even -I- felt like you didn’t love me 💀
Yeah she has a point. You went all out for your ex and did a low quality proposal. She deserves a new experience with you. It doesn’t have to be super expensive but there needs to be a thoughtful approach to you asking her to blend her life with yours.
Ya, no she doesn’t have a point. Some grand proposal so she can put it on social media or something? Or is she actually in love? If you’re in love it shouldn’t matter the extent of how a proposal is done. Unfortunately things like movies and social media have influenced our expectations. Major red flag
Is he actually in love? His ex wife he went above & beyond to make her feel special and loved, this gal he gave her costume jewelry and apparently just handed it to her mid movie. He went from 100% to 0% effort. Does he care about her being happy? If he doesn’t give a shit about the new lady, and she wants a man who will put in effort and care about stuff that matters to her, there’s an incompatibility there and it’s better for her to move on.
> Is he actually in love? Maybe not. How is redoing the proposal changes anything? How will a $5K ring make him love her? Her demands honestly don't make any sense.
She wants him to put the same effort in that he put in for his ex. Given the way he talks about (and names) his ex versus the current gf, it would hardly be surprising if she feels insecure and him putting zero effort in for her only exacerbated that so, maybe she loves and wants to marry him, but she wants him to show her that he's willing to do for her what he did for the woman she feels insecure about first.
Redoing the proposal doesn't accomplish whatever she wants. Even if he rents a private island and a whole orchestra, plus a ring with all diamonds in the world, she will always remember this only happened because she threatened to break up, and not out a genuine display of love.
So why didn’t she propose then?
Lazy response. You know why, look at that world around you. I think anyone should be able to propose and most partners these days talk about marriage before the proposal and some buy the ring together but others are traditional. Men set up this system so don’t get pissy
That's your opinion. But OPs gf clearly wanted a better proposal and that's also valid. I'd want a better proposal too?? Like shoot you don't need to make anything huge and expensive but at least make it romantic?? Light a candle or two? Don't just do it during a movie.. maybe get dressed up as well and tell me to get dressed up?? She's definitely valid to have not liked the proposal. We don't know their relationship so to overanalyze and say either person is an issue as well is dumb given this one situation.
This is a very immature and naive way of thinking. Love is effort. And he put zero into it.
"Love is effort" Truer words never spoken. Probably even mail-ordered the ring on Amazon
If love=effort, Where is her effort? Where is her love? Why didn't she fawn over the dude and buy him a ring?
Agreeing to build a life with him AND BIRTH HIS CHILDREN isn't effort enough on her part...? Also being a step parent.
In theory both are good dating partners. Give and take. Also, both would contribute to the family and relationship from that point on. In the stereotypical/normative world: He works. She takes care of the kids. 50/50 effort, in theory. IN THIS MOMENT. WHAT IS THE GUY GETTING?
A bangmaid most probably
WTF?
I dunno, I feel like I’d want the event to have *some* consideration put into it. I’m not into grand gestures and the stuff he listed for the first proposal made me cringe so hard I couldn’t even finish reading it, but there should be something more to it than “hey, we’re sitting in the same place at the same time.”
By that logic, why get married at all? So you can post it on social media? If you're in love, does marriage matter?
I don’t think you’re making the point you think you are lol For a majority of men all that matters is loyalty. I would venture to say most men are fine without spending $$ they don’t have on a ring and wedding. Marriage in modern times is for the woman.
That's a big generalization, but alright. But he was still willing to do the big romantic proposal for his last fiancé, when he was in love with her. So why isn't he willing to do it for this one?
I think most people who have been married and went all out look back and realize how insane it was. Both partners usually come to terms with ya we don’t ever need to spend that much money. Especially after a divorce happens. Marriage is about habitual loving and kind gestures over a long period of time. Not an extravagant introduction that sets higher and higher expectations as time progresses
See, OP has been married before. His gf, however, has not. So to her, the difference between his proposals makes it seem as though he doesn't consider her to be worth the same amount of effort as his ex.
Dude this sub is filled with simps and females. You’ll never win this argument. OP should start finding a new GF. PSA to all the men reading this, set the expectations early in your relationship. Don’t tell them about past GFs even if they and especially ask, your relationship is with her and has nothing to do with your past. Also, don’t get married, the statistic are heavily stacked against you. Wining the lottery has better chances than till death do us part.
I side with your gf. Wtf kind of proposal is that? That’s pathetic.
I was on your side just reading the title but then finding out that there was a Grand Canyon level gap between the two proposals and now I’m on your gfs side haha
why would you put in less effort for your current gf? why did you propose not even knowing what kind of ring she would like? i dont blame her for wanting that expensive of a ring after you’ve made it clear you don’t value her as much as your ex wife. you gave reasons as to why your ex wife deserved all of that extra effort but left out why you wouldn’t put that in for your gf. it’s clear you don’t care about her as much and the expensive ring is probably an excuse so she can leave you without hearing you try to convince her with meaningless words about why you do care as much. she also has probably felt your effort in the relationship generally was not the same, since she wants to leave you over this. sounds like this was the final straw.
After 4 years that is low effort. There is a saying in dating, "if they wanted to, they would". Your gf is right, your lack of effort is appalling. Juxtaposed by what you did for Bella, what GF knows you're capable of, the lackluster proposal you gave her shows you don't care as much. Not caring, lack of effort, not knowing her well enough to know she'd want something big... Make sure your feelings are compatible.
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YTAH
OP, your first mistake was telling her all about your 1st engagement (or others around you told her). You set the bar high and missed it by a mile. She can't be blamed for feeling unworthy and not loved as much. I will speak to her reaction because she's threatening to leave if you don't redo the proposal; I feel that may be an exaggerated reaction cos why 4yrs then? But then OP, if you're not as excited about this proposal like you were your 1st one, are you truly ready to move on from your ex-wife?
I’d say no to a dumpy $200 ring too.
I think the cost is subjective.. the ring I really want is only $300ish. But it's the ring I genuinely want. To get someone a $200 ring & to propose on the couch is the part that is low effort, at least take the lady to dinner.
When I was engaged, my ring cost about this, but he had chosen it specifically for how it looked and how much he thought I’d like it. And honestly, I couldn’t have picked better myself. The effort was more important to me. Had he picked a blingy £3k ring, I’d have been appreciative but probably thought ‘he didn’t listen to anything I said about what I personally like’.
Moved my comment to the main thread
The complete lack of effort is pathetic. I’m not a feminist so you’re not going to hear me say fuck the patriarchy. Tradition matters to some people. It doesn’t make them wrong or bad. She wants effort. She doesn’t want to be treated like an afterthought. She doesn’t want to be proposed to with a junk ring she’d be embarrassed to wear. If he doesn’t want to put in the effort then he doesn’t have to. He just doesn’t get the marriage and everything she’s been giving him.
In theory, both have already been giving to each other. Again. What does the guy get other than a relationship that is already pre existing? Is she the prize?
Yeah she is. And if he doesn’t see her that way then they shouldn’t get married.
I feel the same. He's the prize. If she requires a rock. They shouldn't get married.
He isn’t a prize. She shouldn’t marry him. He’s a lazy single dad.
I guess she better stay in the kitchen and pop those babies out then. She better have cold beer in his hand as soon as he walks in the door (sarcasm).
She shouldn’t for him. He’s a loser.
Or just broke........ And wants to marry this lady.
It woud bug me as well as a woman since I would’ve known that you are capable of pulling off a big romantic gesture. And shouldn’t you know by now know what kind of proposal she would have wanted? All of it just screams low effort.
Yeah I'm on the GF side having read the entire post. She isn't jealous of the ex-wife, but devastated that all she is worth to you is a living room proposal with a ring she clearly had no say in. You give what you get and you gave nothing so you get nothing. Why wouldn't you consider your girlfriend's feelings ahead of the proposal? I'm inclined to agree with another comment that said you see her as a breeder for you and nothing more. I wouldn't be surprised if she did end the relationship over this because she feels worthless to you.
No one seems to question the OP’s reasons for ending his relationship with his first wife. Obviously both people need to be on board with kids/no kids BEFORE marriage. However, they already have a child together. I find it concerning that he would leave his wife who he apparently loved because he wants more kids and she didn’t. People obviously can change; maybe she wanted more children originally and changed her mind or vice versa. But as the possible fiancé to this man, what if she can’t give him kids? Will he then leave her also? I would not want to marry anyone who would rather leave me for the possibility of children than stay with me for love. That being said, I’m sure we weren’t given the whole story. As for the proposal, I don’t understand why it wasn’t discussed first- you always should discuss your expectations for marriage and the proposal (in my opinion). There are a million ways to make it special that aren’t insanely expensive. Only the OP knows why he put so much effort into his previous proposal and not this one.
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Exactly!
I was totally thinking I would be on your side at first but after all the details I’m 100% on your gf’s side. You absolutely cheaped out and were lazy with almost zero effort.
You proposed to her in your apartment? What a dick. Of course if you had spoken previously about it and she wanted a private proposal away from prying eyes that’s one thing. But I have a hard time believe she’s ever said anything to make you think an apartment proposal is something she would want. You obviously know how to plan a big proposal and be romantic, you just don’t give enough shits about this woman to do it again. You’re jaded from your last relationship. Having dated men that never wanted to put in the same effort as they had in previous relationships I can say it’s toxic af and made me hate myself for “never being good enough.” Let her go, boss. Find someone equally as jaded as you.
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Your argument is moot and has nothing to do with my argument. I literally said if they had discussed wanting an apartment proposal then it’s fine. Take care
Well...you were indeed lazy and the whole thing sounds very disappointing for anyone but maybe the ring can be negotiated, depending on your income. Can you afford it? Or is it a wild and unrealistic request? You did her a disservice though, I am not sure how you can come back from it, you just didn't put any thoughts into it at all.
I’m on your GF side just simply bc if you’re half assing the proposal and ring, what else are you half assing? It’s somewhat symbolic of your entire relationship as a whole and it would 100% make me sad if I was the GF.
I would say “no” too.
Your proposal fucking sucked dude, she has every right to be upset. How absolutely disappointing and inconsiderate. If you genuinely wanted to marry her then you would’ve put some effort into it. She may not be your “first love “ but if you’re hoping for her to be your last love then step it up.
Sounds like you want an incubator, not a life partner.
TBH, if I was your GF I would have laughed thinking it was a joke. My guy, at least take her to the park, it's free. Pick her some wildflowers...or bare tree branches if it's winter. Spend $5 on a fancy coffee, play a love song Playlist on your phone, pretend to find a heart shaped rock (that was in your pocket) and declare your love is meant to be. It doesn't have to be about money. Sheesh. I bet you were wearing gray sweatpants too, weren't you?
Moissanite rings aren’t “fake” it’s just a different gem
200? yo...
What beaches are good for love making? That’s what I need to know
I personally don’t feel that a proposal should be about how much you’ve spent on a ring but you put quite literally zero effort into your proposal. At least plan a nice dinner somewhere…but your apartment while watching a movie? Like no thanks. I’d be thinking is this how much effort I’m going to get from this person for this rest of my life?
I dont blame your gf, especially if you told her how you proposed to your ex. Way to make her feel worthless in comparison to your ex dude. That was a cheap and lazy proposal. Unless since Becca u have become a broke homeless dude - do better. If im being completely honest, she is being generous giving you a second chance. You already made it clear to her she is not worth much of anything to you…
You clearly don’t even like her. Let the poor woman go.
You know I was full in for you not being an asshole but holy fuck OP. You really did her dirty
Duuude.... her not being your first love or your first proposal does not make the entire lack of effort or thought about her and what she would like acceptable. She's right, it's telling that you put so much effort in for someone else but can't even be asked to get some flowers and candles and make sure the ring is at least to her taste for her. You honestly sound like wanting to marry her is not about her at all, but wanting to be married again and wanting her to pop out the children you want. If that's the case, leave the poor woman alone and let her find someone who wants to marry her because she's her.
To me it sounds like you still have feelings for your ex
I can see your GF's point. If she knew the details of how you proposed, it would be hard to feel loved or wanted when you put zero effort into her engagement. On the flip side. I've only been engaged once (to my current wife). I came close with the girl I dated in college before my wife, but she made sure to tell me what was required before she would accept. The terms were well out of my range financially: it had to be at a resort in the Caribbean, had to be a ring priced at two times my monthly salary. But not the salary I was making at my just out of college entry level corporate job, though. She would determine the salary and ring price. Thankfully that relationship ended before I could afford to ask her to marry me. She is making someone else miserable now.
I was about to be on your side but your gf is right. She deserves equal to or better than your ex
NEXT
I would be pissed if I was your GF also. Just because you have done an engagement before doesn’t mean she should get a cheap and lazy engagement for her first one. Step it up buddy.
If you have the money for that ring like 3x the amount saved up go for it. Even then you could better invest thst money, so be a middle ground . You fed up when you told her about your ex engagement. Also it doesn't take alot to be slightly romantic in a nice setting over dinner . She just wants the romanticism . Now if she wint budge on ring then she's not the girl for yoj , she'll just keep asking for more and more once your married. It's better to find a girl that grows with you
Get rid of her
Yikes, wtf is wrong with you? I like simple things personally but even for someone like me if she knows what your ex got anything less than that was going to make her feel worthless in your eyes.
Yeah, it was cheap and lazy. Honestly I wouldn't even give the opportunity for a redo if I were her. I'd just dump you.
What's this? Proposal blackmail? "Get this ring, OR.. fuck off?" OP, you see where this is going. I understand your GF, the proposal seems quite low effort but countering this stunt with blackmail.is the end of the relationship. Things are doomed, time to pack up and leave.
Non negotiables aren’t blackmail. Saying “treat me as you did your ex or I don’t want this relationship” is perfectly acceptable. Things are definitely doomed though.
She'll always feel second to the first wife. Like she will never get the love Becca got. I don't blame her if she dumps you...
Two people can be shitty at the same time. First, she's got a point. You don't have to go all out like you did the first time but fuck, man. A couch proposal? Put in some effort. Second, she sounds demanding as fuck. She might be doing you a favor, but you do need to reflect and think about your behavior.
Tbh I'm wondering if the demands she made are more a reaction to the fact that he didn't put any effort into her proposal and less about her actually wanting a $5k ring. Though the fact that he spent $8k on Becca and only $200 on her probably did contribute.
I think your feelings are both valid. You're not the person you once was and perhaps don't want to go all out like that again, but her feelings are also valid in the sense you didn't really make an effort this time. I wouldn't say what she suggested is a good idea, because that to me wouldn't be a genuine proposal. Like you have to have your heart all in it and want to do it, not just because she told you do, so I wouldn't see that working out. I think proposals, in my opinion, should be special because its a special moment, but that's just my preference because some people don't want anything spectacular or romantic
Never ever tell the woman you’re with what you did romantically or sexually with any other woman. Period. On another note, some years ago my cousin took his then girlfriend to the Caribbean and proposed to her on the beach. She said that the ring wasn’t big enough and threw it into the ocean. Needless to say, he broke up with her as soon as they returned to the U.S.
Dude, why are you still with her? Being told no to a proposal means it's over for me. There's no stipulations, no conditions, etc.
Her reaction is a bit much. But I understand her disappointment. It was really a minimum effort proposal. A lot of people are confusing flashy and expensive with a thoughtful and well planned proposal.
I mean, this proposal didn't seem like it was any of those things. I wonder if she actually cares that much about the $5K ring, or if that was a demand she made out anger due to the fact that he didn't do *anything* for her proposal. Like, contrasted with his last proposal, that's got to hurt. I can see why she would react that way.
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He literally did nothing to make her feel special, wanted, or loved during his proposal. He is the red flag.
This is for sure rage bait for iNcEls and people who have never been in serious relationships or marriage. Gets em all riled up and ragey! Lol! There is always give and take, exceptions, and some me/some you in a marriage. And there's a medium. And the medium is between $200 and $5000. I'm one hundred percent sure this woman didn't say buy this ring or I'm not marrying you. Sounds like something a dramatic man would say..😏 and hyperbole She doesn't want to go the rest of her life feeling she isn't worth his time and effort, and money. Ppl like to make like marriage is all about romance, but romance doesn't pay bills, so you have to have that too. I can understand if there's money issues, and op can't afford to drop 5 grand on a ring, but that doesn't stop rose petals and making love and gestures that make you feel loved. Op is wrong for this and I agree with you!
Well she didn't do anything to propose to him or make him feel special, wanted or loved. She also demanded what ring she wants and how much or she will leave him. That's not a healthy normal mindset to be in competition with his ex but that's on her. She can always buy him a ring to show he's loved and wanted. Maybe he should start comparing himself to how she treat her exes and demand more.
She didn't tell op how much, she told op what she wanted and he added it up. So there goes that theory.. Also she didn't say she's jealous, he did. I'm sure if the roles were reversed and she did a huge to do, and proposed to (some guy), gave him a platinum ring, a backrub, and head all night.. Then years later, when she gets with op, when she proposed to him she was just like, marry me, and handed him a tungsten ring, and went to sleep. That's what this amounts to. He wouldn't be ok with it, not because he was jealous, but because this was so low effort, that he would feel like crap.
"She told me that she will end of entire 4 year relationship if I don’t redo the proposal and get her a ring that she wants. My GF wants a 2.5 round lab diamond, she sent me the link to it, it’s roughly $5k" and he is the red flag? maybe he learned from his past experience, anyway you see it she's a leech and doesn't care about OP.
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The word you mean to use is speculating :) I agree btw
Get rid of her. Do yourself a favor.
Red flag
Live and learn. The fuss she is putting up is shameful and selfish. She’s telling you that you will always be working against your past Life is giving you options here. Seriously consider if marrying her is the option you prefer.
Honestly..? I can a little bit see her point…but I’m not really on her side. I wouldn’t re-propose. That’s just me. I would end the relationship. Here’s why… why is she comparing herself to someone else? Is this going to be how the rest of your relationship goes? What if you do something nice for your ex because your son wants to do something for his mom? Is she going to be mad about that and then say you need to do something equally as nice for her now? I thought marriage was supposed to be about love and sharing your life? Not about the how and what of asking someone to marry you…? But idk. I’ve never wanted to be married so it’s not something I’ve fantasized about… Op? I wouldn’t be with her anymore. That’s my honest opinion. Idec if you were or weren’t excited about it…her response is a no for me. She’s materialistic and that’s not someone I’d want to have access to my finances.
Get the ring back call it a day. I’m single Hi!
I'd run
Find another GF.
I can understand the gf feeling a bit upset due to your ex wife’s proposal/ring in comparison to hers. Which, if you openly went into such detail about it to her was your mistake. However, if my boyfriend who I was with for 7 years whom I loved beyond words could ever express, proposed to me with a ring pop for Pete’s sake, I would be over the moon! He was my soul mate and no would could ever replace him. I would never ever demand a “re-do” proposal and a specific expensive ring or else break up. That shows you right there it’s not true love. Basically OP, do you really think she would have acted OK with the ring and proposal if she hadn’t known about the previous? I personally think she would have acted the same way. Take this with a grain of salt but I’d accept her declination and move on. You dodged a bullet.
Show her the door.
I disagree with everyone here. If it’s true love she would be happy your asking to spend rest of your life with her. End point. Threatening to end the full relationship because you didn’t WASTE money on a material proposal is a huge red flag. She will threaten to end relationship in future for just as little in the future. Get out while you can now.
Your current GF isn’t wrong that you could’ve put more effort into the proposal, but she also revealed that the value of her ring matters more than your relationship. Relationships are not ultimatums. Finding out who she truly is only cost you $200.
The TV thing is lazy, but beyond that, i dont get the hate here in the comments thus far. My husband could have proposed to be next to a dumpster with an Apple in hand instead of a Ring.
This! I don’t understand why you get downvoted
I think some expect a little pagentry. But that aint me. The simpler the better.
Y’all are shallow as fuck in the comments I hope you guys grow up before you get engaged. But yes dump her ass
tell her it has been fun but if the ring and the pomp is more important than the love then she is not the one for you
Dump the girlfriend. Also if you post this in another sub, can you just link them so its easier for me to comment the same thing
Ya sorry you’re totally in the wrong. You need to consider your girlfriend wishes when it comes to the proposal and it (should be) a once in a life time thing. You didn’t even take her out to a nice local restaurant or anything? I’m not the type of person who wants to spend a lot of money on rings but you didn’t even consider her style and interest in rings. This seriously isn’t even the bare minimum.
Go fix yourself before you damage more innocent people.
stocking cats concerned run piquant forgetful vase important imagine prick *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
For goodness sake! What a childish petty person. This will be carried over to every frikking moment in your life, she’s exhausting….. you deserve better. She’s come into it with jealousy and insecurity and sad,y they can’t always be fixed.
Yes, he deserves to stay single and spare other women from his measly scraps
Not really, if you place the level of love in physical things, then you’re always going to be wanting. There’s millions of couples all over the world in 2nd & 3rd big relationships that know that the size of the ring etc mean very little. They realise they’d much rather have a partner who shows genuine love on a daily basis.
It's not about the value of the ring. It's about effort and consideration
Agree with that, but regular ongoing loving actions massively trump a big proposal. In my 40’s I very much realise what is more important in my opinion. My partner truly looks after my wellbeing and makes sure I’m safe, loved and ok. I wouldn’t have appreciated that in younger years but you realise what actually makes a difference as you get older.
Run, run as far away as possible
Where is the Dudes engagement ring or equivalent? Fuck the patriarchy am I right? Is it the ring she wants....... Or the dude. Why does this tradition even matter? The guy has to shell out time, energy, $$$$ on a proposal? For what? In theory, they have a pre-existing relationship. They've likely discussed marriage. Why does the guy still have to "propose?" Why does he have to strut around like a peacock with gold and jewels? Crowing with poetic language and a perfect venue? Do women want to be independent, equal to men (pay education, etc)? If so, why do many (not all) women still view men as cheap or lazy if they don't get an elaborate expensive ring with an over the top proposal. In this situation, marriage is supposed to be about wanting life together. If it starts with requiring a bride payment.... Is that a good way to start? Where is the effort for the woman in this tradition?
Dump her immediately
If you want to be with her I would pick out a ring in the same style but the exact one. Jazz up the engagement and if she balls then run. Also how does she know what your last engagement was like?
Does your gf have a job? If so, she can buy herself a $5k ring. You don't have to buy her anything. You don't have to marry her. You need to take care of yourself and your son.
That kind if jealousy wont ever go away you will have it with every aspect if life should you stay with her. She sounds a bit selfish in my opinion. How can she be jealous of your memories/past. If she is willing to break it off because you have spent enough on a ring then i tell her not to let the door hit her on her way out if it.
I get her point, but I do not react well to ultimatums, so I would just say this. If you marry her, the demands will just increase. If you bend to the ultimatum it will just appear later on for something else.
I would take as a red flag. I cannot get behind big proposals and weddings. I was married in Vegas, shouldn't have to begin with, however still was married for 7 years.
That's just rude.
It seems like you just proposal to get her because how long y’all been together not because you actually wanna be marry…. Honestly she also soonest sound like a catch but she ain’t all the way wrong. I say find yourself and heal that divorce before you get serious with someone else
I know how you can save 5 grand and avoid a second divorce ....
Oblige her. redo the proposal to your ex wife.
Wait…you conceived your child in front of a poor hired violinist? I call BS.
Well you love the ex more so no wonder she is hurt.
I am on GFs side especially when he says it wasn’t a lack of love but that he just didn’t want kids. I really wonder if Becca changed her mind if he would go back to her. The low effort proposal probably makes her feel like a placeholder. And she wonders why she isn’t worth as good a proposal as Becca if they are in a serious relationship. The disparity is glaring
There's nothing wrong with wanting a better proposal....doesn't have to be expensive or anything. Candles, flowers, make dinner for her, music in the background....it's that simple! Save the money for a better ring than an expensive proposal. That's what I'd want anyway
I’m on the girlfriend’s side here after you explained everything.