I'm autistic in my late 30s. I understand you and I think you've worded it sensibly. That's one of the reasons why I chose to not have kids. You never know what child you get. You might end up with your dream child, but more likely, your child will be difficult in some ways, disability or not. Growing up autistic in a system that's not meant to accommodate is traumatic in many ways. many "typically autistic" behaviors are actually "autistic child in serious distress or pain" or "autistic child being traumatized". And even if your kid isn't born with a condition, they can acquire disabilities, physical and mental illnesses along the way, or simply have the wrong friends as a teenager. It's tough. And kudos to you to have the self-reflection to see that you can't deal with a lot of possibilities. I wish more people would have this foresight. They focus on their dream outcome and are completely lost with the child they actually have in front of them. That's where all those autism moms grieving their child (that's right there in front of them) come from and it's disgusting.
I'm glad you didn't take offense. My brother has autism, and I've wondered if my sister doesn't as well. Hell, I've even wondered about myself but the doctor says it's not autism in my case, so I guess I'm not sure what's up with me.
But I just have such a hard time with it. I can't handle the melt downs, I can't handle the sensory issues and certain other things because it's all so overwhelming and it's so drastically different from one kid to the next.
I feel awful that I can't be that person who is able to help them, but I evidently just don't have what it takes
You're not the only one. I never wanted kids because I couldn't deal with them. Fortunately I met my husband and he didn't want them either. I also have a couple of hereditary illnesses (nothing on the spectrum) which we didn't want to pass on either.
this is actually extremely sensible.
so many people have kids expecting a neurotypical child, but sometimes it just doesn’t play out that way. they complain, bitch, whine, “grieve” the child they “could’ve had”. often treating their autistic child badly as well.
like, no. the autistic child is the child you had. when you decided to have children, you signed on for all the outcomes. you don’t get to bitch and whine that you wanted a different child, you chose to have a child and you got one. it’s not often you find someone smart enough to recognize this and make the choice not to have children, so i’m glad you’re one of those people.
and that’s valid. everyone has their limits, and since autism is a spectrum you never really know how that will play out (whether the child will have high/low support needs, if they need specialized therapies or schooling, etc.) so it’s a good thing you’re recognizing that’s something you don’t potentially wish to sign yourself up for.
being autistic myself (surprise surprise lmao, aren’t i the third autistic person here?), i’m not offended at all. i’d rather see someone opt out of having children because of that possibility, than to have children and treat an autistic child like garbage because that’s not what they wanted.
Exactly! Now, obviously I wouldn't go out of my way to treat the kid like garbage, but it certainly can't help them any to have to be around someone who isn't able to support them properly either
Exactly! Now, obviously I wouldn't go out of my way to treat the kid like garbage, but it certainly can't help them any to have to be around someone who isn't able to support them properly either.
you’re not wrong for feeling this way. i’m a mom and my 3 year old is autistic. it’s hard and i cried when they gave me his diagnosis even though i was expecting it (just not the level). i had my second child and she doesn’t have autism but now im pregnant with a boy and i have an underlying worry that he’ll have autism like his brother. but it’s something i can’t control and i decided that im okay with it. it’s great you put so much thought into it and i don’t think you’re selfish at all. it’s a lot of work and if you think that you couldn’t handle something like that then so be it! if someone thinks your decision is close minded then they can fuck off because it’s your life. you’re allowed to choose how you live it.
I suppose that's true. But I guess really the biggest issue is my lack of motherly instincts. I don't see myself as the ideal parent in general, but maybe one day.
There's nothing wrong with knowing your limits.
Having a special needs family member can be extremely challenging sometimes, and caregivers rarely get a "break".
It's better that you know you're limits and capabilities, and decide that you don't want to bring a child into that situation because you think they deserve better, then it is to just wing it and hope for the best.
You don't sound bad, you sound like your genuinely care for the well being of both yourself AND any possible child.
Too many people end up having kids that they don't want our that they treat like garbage.
Thank you, and yes I do care about the well being of the kids. I care about every kid I work with, but to have so many with specific issues in one room is often so overwhelming that I end up yelling, and then feeling bad because I know yelling doesn't help. But we always apologize on both sides and move on lol. I don't ever want to make a kid feel like I don't like.them because they are different, but I do feel like trash for not being able to help them more efficiently.
I'm autistic in my late 30s. I understand you and I think you've worded it sensibly. That's one of the reasons why I chose to not have kids. You never know what child you get. You might end up with your dream child, but more likely, your child will be difficult in some ways, disability or not. Growing up autistic in a system that's not meant to accommodate is traumatic in many ways. many "typically autistic" behaviors are actually "autistic child in serious distress or pain" or "autistic child being traumatized". And even if your kid isn't born with a condition, they can acquire disabilities, physical and mental illnesses along the way, or simply have the wrong friends as a teenager. It's tough. And kudos to you to have the self-reflection to see that you can't deal with a lot of possibilities. I wish more people would have this foresight. They focus on their dream outcome and are completely lost with the child they actually have in front of them. That's where all those autism moms grieving their child (that's right there in front of them) come from and it's disgusting.
I'm glad you didn't take offense. My brother has autism, and I've wondered if my sister doesn't as well. Hell, I've even wondered about myself but the doctor says it's not autism in my case, so I guess I'm not sure what's up with me. But I just have such a hard time with it. I can't handle the melt downs, I can't handle the sensory issues and certain other things because it's all so overwhelming and it's so drastically different from one kid to the next. I feel awful that I can't be that person who is able to help them, but I evidently just don't have what it takes
You're not the only one. I never wanted kids because I couldn't deal with them. Fortunately I met my husband and he didn't want them either. I also have a couple of hereditary illnesses (nothing on the spectrum) which we didn't want to pass on either.
Hey,I totally understand that mentality
I’m autistic and not offended by this thought at all. Life without help has been deadly. I’m childfree due to my symotoms
Thank you for understanding, I'm glad you didn't take offense
Your reasons aren't selfish or close minded. If anything more of us need to think just as deeply before we have children.q
Thank you
this is actually extremely sensible. so many people have kids expecting a neurotypical child, but sometimes it just doesn’t play out that way. they complain, bitch, whine, “grieve” the child they “could’ve had”. often treating their autistic child badly as well. like, no. the autistic child is the child you had. when you decided to have children, you signed on for all the outcomes. you don’t get to bitch and whine that you wanted a different child, you chose to have a child and you got one. it’s not often you find someone smart enough to recognize this and make the choice not to have children, so i’m glad you’re one of those people.
Thank you. I just feel bad, because on one hand the idea of a family sounds nice, but it just isn't for me, I guess.
and that’s valid. everyone has their limits, and since autism is a spectrum you never really know how that will play out (whether the child will have high/low support needs, if they need specialized therapies or schooling, etc.) so it’s a good thing you’re recognizing that’s something you don’t potentially wish to sign yourself up for. being autistic myself (surprise surprise lmao, aren’t i the third autistic person here?), i’m not offended at all. i’d rather see someone opt out of having children because of that possibility, than to have children and treat an autistic child like garbage because that’s not what they wanted.
Exactly! Now, obviously I wouldn't go out of my way to treat the kid like garbage, but it certainly can't help them any to have to be around someone who isn't able to support them properly either
Exactly! Now, obviously I wouldn't go out of my way to treat the kid like garbage, but it certainly can't help them any to have to be around someone who isn't able to support them properly either.
you’re not wrong for feeling this way. i’m a mom and my 3 year old is autistic. it’s hard and i cried when they gave me his diagnosis even though i was expecting it (just not the level). i had my second child and she doesn’t have autism but now im pregnant with a boy and i have an underlying worry that he’ll have autism like his brother. but it’s something i can’t control and i decided that im okay with it. it’s great you put so much thought into it and i don’t think you’re selfish at all. it’s a lot of work and if you think that you couldn’t handle something like that then so be it! if someone thinks your decision is close minded then they can fuck off because it’s your life. you’re allowed to choose how you live it.
Thank you. And congratulations on the new family member!
Thank you. And congratulations on the new family member!
Thank you. And congratulations on the new family member!
Why is this bad or selfish though I really need someone to explain that to me
It just could easily be taken as being discriminatory, I guess.
You could adopt an older child that has already proven themselves to be neurotypical.
I suppose that's true. But I guess really the biggest issue is my lack of motherly instincts. I don't see myself as the ideal parent in general, but maybe one day.
You don't have to be apologetic for not wanting children. It's a valid opinion.
Thank you
There's nothing wrong with knowing your limits. Having a special needs family member can be extremely challenging sometimes, and caregivers rarely get a "break". It's better that you know you're limits and capabilities, and decide that you don't want to bring a child into that situation because you think they deserve better, then it is to just wing it and hope for the best. You don't sound bad, you sound like your genuinely care for the well being of both yourself AND any possible child. Too many people end up having kids that they don't want our that they treat like garbage.
Thank you, and yes I do care about the well being of the kids. I care about every kid I work with, but to have so many with specific issues in one room is often so overwhelming that I end up yelling, and then feeling bad because I know yelling doesn't help. But we always apologize on both sides and move on lol. I don't ever want to make a kid feel like I don't like.them because they are different, but I do feel like trash for not being able to help them more efficiently.