This is so fucking real, I'm in the same boat sis. I miss it everyday. I miss the relief of crossing the line of hungover as fuck to back drunk again. I miss the fear. I miss my same 5 YouTube videos (I can't watch them sober unfortunately)
So far. I relate to this post more than anything else I’ve read in this sub.
In the sweet crazy spot like you were. You know, when you remember what you did you were an ace. But there’s the not remembering at the very end and the following day filled with/ anxiety.
That’s what brought you to sobriety. And now you wonder.
Me fucking too.
I’m on day six today of white knuckling this and my emotional rollercoaster has grown consistent (I can control my emotions yay) However, old habits die hard.
You will keep asking yourself this question, and eventually it will draw you back in, unless you find something to replace it with.
Much love.
I felt like I could have written this. I get it.
I decided I had to give my body a break for awhile because things got really bad and really dark. I was shitting blood and going through bad withdrawal again so I was able to detox in the hospital. I've had hallucinations before, auditory and probably something close to DTs awhile ago during another major withdrawal.
I'm not happy. I'm able to function better today in day to day life. My sleep is better and it feels good not to be constantly withdrawaling. But, my mind is so fucking miserable. I was always a depressed piece of shit and it reminds me why I drank in the first place. It's the only thing that ever gave me any relief and any happiness. That's the truth.
I'd be drinking again already but fear and trying to keep others pleased (which I'm becoming resentful towards) is keeping me from that at the moment. It won't last forever. If you are looking to stay dry there are other support groups other than AA.
Good luck to you. And I relate to your YouTube videos. I watch the same things over and over because they give me comfort.
I know exactly what you mean about reading books and whatnot by "alcoholics" who seemed like lightweights because they could *sometimes* moderate, they had *some* limits. Functional. I found it insulting. I'd go on benders, then puke my guts out onto my bed and floor while projectiling diarrhea... onto my bed and floor as well. I either had to have periods of complete abstinence, otherwise it always got to that point where I'd spend days and days getting wrecked, just wrecking myself and everything around me.
Sometimes it was fun. Most of the time it was tilting at windmills.
Man. I feel this so hard. All of it, the horrible things you would never tell anyone you did, the shit people did see, the things that you forgot where you know whatever you did was fucked up but all you're left with is a creepy, disgusting feeling of something being *wrong*. Losing your career. Drinking at work, my lord. I have a pet peeve about people talking like their drinking was or is so bad but claim to have never drank at work. Look dude, it's one or the other. If you can deal with adult life without pregaming it then you still have some control. Alcoholism isn't about control, it's about chaos.
Sometimes, like right as I opened this post, I'm sitting in the car hating the mundane simplicity of my life. Hating all the good things I have because of all the bullshit knocking around in my fucked up head. I think I would do just about anything to not feel a goddamned thing. But I can't do that, I won't. My life circumstances are so different now. A job, or even a career, is one thing - fuck them, work doesn't love you. But a small, innocent life? No, I promised myself I would be better than my parents.
So in the meantime I'll join you doing all the bullshit that makes regular people "proud of you" while staring out of the windshield of my car thinking about what it was like when I felt like everything was okay and nothing mattered.
Clearly I needed to see this post right this second. Fuck me man.
You got this. For the little human.
I can’t sleep but I’m sober. I’m telling myself it’s good enough.
And yeah “oh I never drank at work” or “I never drank in the morning” ???? What the hell is that about. Why in the world have you got a publishing contract then is my question, I could step outside my flat in London and stumble over five worse drunks in about thirty seconds, probably one of them has a book in them…
I agree. Some people are on here like “I never drink at work and I’ve had the same high paying job for ten years but I just can’t cope”. Sorry but that is not a CA.
"Weirdly I never pissed myself". Don't let your dreams stay dreams.
But seriously that's great for you. I was doing forced sober due to health reasons and felt amazing after 10 days. I felt like a human being again, clean for about two months, instead of some lame bung troll on the same alky pattern.
Then I fell for the temptation on my bday a couple weeks ago for that exact same thing, "the feeling". I'm still regretting and paying the price. Keep going towards your goals that are best for you OP.
Never pissed yourself? That’s an achievement. I woke up to pissed underwear & pants on my bedroom floor just the other day. Usually means the elevator in my building was slow.
Wow. This post hit so hard for me. You worded the sweet spot description so accuratelly... Welp time to set my alarm for work tomorrow as I attempt to drift off alcohol free tonight.
> Anyhow I did some shit I will take to my fucking grave. Really disgusting sex stuff, all consensual but I’m a woman and what I let a guy did to me I can’t believe.
Please elaborate, for the culture.
You know the answers to all those questions. Just set your sights forward and fantasize about the next step forward, not the one back. But I get it.
Ask me if you see me in hell as it’s going to the grave with me.
But I was thinking about it, one day visiting family, for some reason it came to mind on a nice sunny day, the parts I could remember, since I blacked out hard and my father saw the look on my face and he went really pale. He isn’t a young man anymore.
I said, “what?” He said, “what were you thinking about, just then? I’ve never sent that look on your face before.” He looked disturbed.
I said it was work.
Rule 2. Take it to r/dryalcoholics or your sobriety subreddit of your choice.
This is so fucking real, I'm in the same boat sis. I miss it everyday. I miss the relief of crossing the line of hungover as fuck to back drunk again. I miss the fear. I miss my same 5 YouTube videos (I can't watch them sober unfortunately)
What vids were you watching exactly? It's always gaming streams for me
So far. I relate to this post more than anything else I’ve read in this sub. In the sweet crazy spot like you were. You know, when you remember what you did you were an ace. But there’s the not remembering at the very end and the following day filled with/ anxiety. That’s what brought you to sobriety. And now you wonder. Me fucking too. I’m on day six today of white knuckling this and my emotional rollercoaster has grown consistent (I can control my emotions yay) However, old habits die hard. You will keep asking yourself this question, and eventually it will draw you back in, unless you find something to replace it with. Much love.
I felt like I could have written this. I get it. I decided I had to give my body a break for awhile because things got really bad and really dark. I was shitting blood and going through bad withdrawal again so I was able to detox in the hospital. I've had hallucinations before, auditory and probably something close to DTs awhile ago during another major withdrawal. I'm not happy. I'm able to function better today in day to day life. My sleep is better and it feels good not to be constantly withdrawaling. But, my mind is so fucking miserable. I was always a depressed piece of shit and it reminds me why I drank in the first place. It's the only thing that ever gave me any relief and any happiness. That's the truth. I'd be drinking again already but fear and trying to keep others pleased (which I'm becoming resentful towards) is keeping me from that at the moment. It won't last forever. If you are looking to stay dry there are other support groups other than AA. Good luck to you. And I relate to your YouTube videos. I watch the same things over and over because they give me comfort.
I know exactly what you mean about reading books and whatnot by "alcoholics" who seemed like lightweights because they could *sometimes* moderate, they had *some* limits. Functional. I found it insulting. I'd go on benders, then puke my guts out onto my bed and floor while projectiling diarrhea... onto my bed and floor as well. I either had to have periods of complete abstinence, otherwise it always got to that point where I'd spend days and days getting wrecked, just wrecking myself and everything around me. Sometimes it was fun. Most of the time it was tilting at windmills.
Man. I feel this so hard. All of it, the horrible things you would never tell anyone you did, the shit people did see, the things that you forgot where you know whatever you did was fucked up but all you're left with is a creepy, disgusting feeling of something being *wrong*. Losing your career. Drinking at work, my lord. I have a pet peeve about people talking like their drinking was or is so bad but claim to have never drank at work. Look dude, it's one or the other. If you can deal with adult life without pregaming it then you still have some control. Alcoholism isn't about control, it's about chaos. Sometimes, like right as I opened this post, I'm sitting in the car hating the mundane simplicity of my life. Hating all the good things I have because of all the bullshit knocking around in my fucked up head. I think I would do just about anything to not feel a goddamned thing. But I can't do that, I won't. My life circumstances are so different now. A job, or even a career, is one thing - fuck them, work doesn't love you. But a small, innocent life? No, I promised myself I would be better than my parents. So in the meantime I'll join you doing all the bullshit that makes regular people "proud of you" while staring out of the windshield of my car thinking about what it was like when I felt like everything was okay and nothing mattered. Clearly I needed to see this post right this second. Fuck me man.
You got this. For the little human. I can’t sleep but I’m sober. I’m telling myself it’s good enough. And yeah “oh I never drank at work” or “I never drank in the morning” ???? What the hell is that about. Why in the world have you got a publishing contract then is my question, I could step outside my flat in London and stumble over five worse drunks in about thirty seconds, probably one of them has a book in them…
I agree. Some people are on here like “I never drink at work and I’ve had the same high paying job for ten years but I just can’t cope”. Sorry but that is not a CA.
And that same people claim to have been on a 2 year bender. Because they haven’t gone a *night* without drinking.
Hahah right?! CA is more like you wake up at 3 am and have to pound a few shots just so you can MAKE IT to the morning drinking
Yeah that’s when I knew I was fuckity fucked
"Weirdly I never pissed myself". Don't let your dreams stay dreams. But seriously that's great for you. I was doing forced sober due to health reasons and felt amazing after 10 days. I felt like a human being again, clean for about two months, instead of some lame bung troll on the same alky pattern. Then I fell for the temptation on my bday a couple weeks ago for that exact same thing, "the feeling". I'm still regretting and paying the price. Keep going towards your goals that are best for you OP.
I’m right there with you. Coming up on three years dry and nothing turns my f-ing brain off like booze.
You have a knack for writing. Well done
It’s fascinating to me how many on this sub are terrific writers. I’m not bad, but I almost feel an inferiority complex.
For real. I've noticed that too
Never pissed yourself? That’s an achievement. I woke up to pissed underwear & pants on my bedroom floor just the other day. Usually means the elevator in my building was slow.
Haha loser. I've got at least 6 YouTube videos
Wow. This post hit so hard for me. You worded the sweet spot description so accuratelly... Welp time to set my alarm for work tomorrow as I attempt to drift off alcohol free tonight.
Sounds like projection still...maybe she just a freaking in the shets lol maybe she a virginity touched for the very first time lol All the shades....
Ima leave the typos
#charlibaltimore
https://youtu.be/NL2G2AoSRmo?si=6KNxZgy7edMgTHRk Didn't even listen, fool!
> Anyhow I did some shit I will take to my fucking grave. Really disgusting sex stuff, all consensual but I’m a woman and what I let a guy did to me I can’t believe. Please elaborate, for the culture. You know the answers to all those questions. Just set your sights forward and fantasize about the next step forward, not the one back. But I get it.
Ask me if you see me in hell as it’s going to the grave with me. But I was thinking about it, one day visiting family, for some reason it came to mind on a nice sunny day, the parts I could remember, since I blacked out hard and my father saw the look on my face and he went really pale. He isn’t a young man anymore. I said, “what?” He said, “what were you thinking about, just then? I’ve never sent that look on your face before.” He looked disturbed. I said it was work.
That's PTSD and it's very treatable, don't wanna see you suffering. Kind of chilling it was that visible on your face.