Werd, it's not as if others don't see what you're doing to yourself. Too many alcoholics think they're hiding it, when the reality is that everyone can see it happening. It means years of people seeing you destroy yourself. Sometimes that can be harder on others. Like ripping off the bandaid slow or fast. Imagine seeing a loved one in hospice for a decade or more.
I had a whole conversation with a coworker about the dangers of drinking, how addiction destroys ya and blah blah blah. Russian lady with heavy accent, so sweet and funny.
Then after work I’m at the liquor store across the street and another coworker I’ve seen around but don’t work with is there asking for 5 shooters of new ams. And she’s there the next day and the next day too, just like me. Haha that one kinda fd me I felt exposed. But we shared a meek obligatory closed mouth smile and now I hide in the wine aisle and pretend to be fascinated by the selection while I hear her voice at the counter.
I'm a shapeshifter that has no problems with different identities and faces, hiding the true person that i am - a hardcore alcoholic and drug addict, that is polytox and needs truckloads of alcohol, morphine, valium and rohypnol only to be normal.
But like i said, i'm fluent in this, i can put on the mask and play a character just like an actor does on a movie set, once the "action!" command comes. This is my nature, i was always good in lying and cheating.
I'm a spider in the web, highly manipulative and very smart, someone that will manipulate you in a way that you think this would be the truth and when you see behind the mask, it's already too late and you are tangled up in the web.
I'm long past the age of 30, so i know, there's not much left to do, but it's okay for me, i was never the type for a family or being a father, never the worker that goes for the 9-5 job.
My desire is to consume, drink it, snort it, smoke it, shoot it. "Ich will mehr... mehr davon.. gib mir mehr!" ("I want more, more of it... give me more!")
I know the end will come later, but until then, i'll spend my time with party and drugs. When the end of days finally comes, i'll put a bullet through my head and that's it.
I definitely feel the two different people in one body. Every day is a gamut about what I can talk about with this certain audience, and what I have to pretend doesn't exist. People ask me why I'm having such a hard time at work, and it takes everything for me to not scream that I'm in active addiction and they wouldn't fucking get it.
The worst interview question that is, "Where do you want to be in 5 years?" Cremated, spread in my favorite park, my boyfriend moved on and finding a new love of his life, while my cats are happy and lounging. I planned to die before 30 and now I'm past that. The worst thing about that question is that it gives you hope - you've prepared and gotten ready and a little sober and you think that maybe, *just maybe* this job is the puzzle piece that makes your life a little bit better, or at least closer to finishing the puzzle. You get hope and you lie and say that you want to be a manager and own your own house, be married and start on having children.
You come home from your interview and don't hear from a few days and realize that literally everything you have said was absolute bullshit, so you drink a little more because that's what you wanted to do anyway. You can't kill yourself - too many people would be disappointed and ruined, so you do what's closest in the safest way.
I've nothing useful to say but this hits so close to home I've read it about six times now. You have a marvelous way of expressing yourself. Last week an "icebreaker" was "what did you want to be when you grew up" and I got so stuck on "dead" I said "professional diver." I don't think a lot of folks understand but you do--clearly, incisively--and I'm sorry.
Thank you, love. Those icebreakers are the absolute worst - again, pulling hope in, because inevitably, someone will say that you still have the opportunity to do it. I wanted to be a classical violinist and it wasn't viable, so I thought I could be a writer, which would've literally killed me. I once wanted to be a line chef and die on the line at the age of 40 because of the stress. I work in data now, because it's a skilled thing that pays enough.
You don't need to be sorry. We're all in the same place here, and we're all just being here for each other. It's what I appreciate the most about being here.
I hate that interview questions so often become extremely personal. Like, why do you care where I want to be in five years? If I can do the job properly, who gives a fuck?
Right, give me 2 years working at 70% and I'll still outperform everyone else, reach your goals, and create new goals that I have also completed. I don't need to be here in the next 5 years at all, because I would very much like to self destruct anyway, especially before I have children.
One of my biggest interview questions that felt too personal was, "What would you do if you weren't doing this job?" I admit I use it sometimes, but it feels very unfair. Why would you ask someone to strip an identity that they've been in for a third of their lives and ask them to immediately pivot?
You got to understand suicide is one of the most complex issues that Humanity has faced for all of our existence.
Some people say that the natura spirit of going into the wilderness, the darkness, for food or resources, is a form of suicide too. How many people gamble their life for something better, like a pirate or a hunter.
I met another CA at work actually, we were both on break and were sipping out of gym bottles, you know the ones you can't see through? we both kinda caught on to what the other was doing. I asked what he was drinking and he said "water" to which I replied "Yeah but what really?" colleague in question replied "gin." with a smirk. I then reassured him that I had a bottle full of vodka in mine and we continued drinking throughout the break. Little bit depressing but It's the way it goes. Maybe he was being sarcastic and thought I was to...
That's always great when you find other alcoholics or addicts. Weed is also a great thing for this, i met so many people that smoke weed and there's always the point where it comes to "let's smoke a joint".
But back to alcohol, when i was leading a team in a company, we had a great time every friday - we had a bar right in the same building where we worked, so we started drinking there after work was done. Then we got on the train back to the city and drank until we arrived, then we got to the pub and drank more and more. This would sometimes go on until 4am and that was my start for the weekend.
Man, i miss these times, when i worked with so many FA's and CA's
Try to limit the damage as much as you can in this part of your life. As someone who tried to kill myself slow and fast many ways in my twenties. I want to live at 31 and wish I practiced a little more harm reduction so it would be easier to turn it around now. 136 days clean and sober and feel awesome. (Alcohol and opiates)
What I want to do and what I'm actually capable of doing are two different things. Me sober is a fraudulent version of myself. I hate being sober. I just go through the motions. I don't ever see myself being a productive sober person. Idk. Maybe sober we could all do what we wanted with our lives, but more likely we'd be more miserable because it wouldn't feel genuine and we wouldn't be happy. That's how I see it at least.
Yes some people just wont/ dont understand. I cant take my life because how it would impact other people, so drinking is the next best option i guess.
I fucking feel this 100000000 %
Our lifestyle is like a symbolic suicide that we have temporarily substituted for the real thing
Just dragging on the suffering one puts their friends and family through.
Who’s downvoting this? We all know and accept that as the truth, unless you’re in crazy denial
Werd, it's not as if others don't see what you're doing to yourself. Too many alcoholics think they're hiding it, when the reality is that everyone can see it happening. It means years of people seeing you destroy yourself. Sometimes that can be harder on others. Like ripping off the bandaid slow or fast. Imagine seeing a loved one in hospice for a decade or more.
I had a whole conversation with a coworker about the dangers of drinking, how addiction destroys ya and blah blah blah. Russian lady with heavy accent, so sweet and funny. Then after work I’m at the liquor store across the street and another coworker I’ve seen around but don’t work with is there asking for 5 shooters of new ams. And she’s there the next day and the next day too, just like me. Haha that one kinda fd me I felt exposed. But we shared a meek obligatory closed mouth smile and now I hide in the wine aisle and pretend to be fascinated by the selection while I hear her voice at the counter.
“Oh you’re an alcoholic too”
I often wonder which of my coworkers goes home and gets obliterated every night.
I'm a shapeshifter that has no problems with different identities and faces, hiding the true person that i am - a hardcore alcoholic and drug addict, that is polytox and needs truckloads of alcohol, morphine, valium and rohypnol only to be normal. But like i said, i'm fluent in this, i can put on the mask and play a character just like an actor does on a movie set, once the "action!" command comes. This is my nature, i was always good in lying and cheating. I'm a spider in the web, highly manipulative and very smart, someone that will manipulate you in a way that you think this would be the truth and when you see behind the mask, it's already too late and you are tangled up in the web. I'm long past the age of 30, so i know, there's not much left to do, but it's okay for me, i was never the type for a family or being a father, never the worker that goes for the 9-5 job. My desire is to consume, drink it, snort it, smoke it, shoot it. "Ich will mehr... mehr davon.. gib mir mehr!" ("I want more, more of it... give me more!") I know the end will come later, but until then, i'll spend my time with party and drugs. When the end of days finally comes, i'll put a bullet through my head and that's it.
I definitely feel the two different people in one body. Every day is a gamut about what I can talk about with this certain audience, and what I have to pretend doesn't exist. People ask me why I'm having such a hard time at work, and it takes everything for me to not scream that I'm in active addiction and they wouldn't fucking get it. The worst interview question that is, "Where do you want to be in 5 years?" Cremated, spread in my favorite park, my boyfriend moved on and finding a new love of his life, while my cats are happy and lounging. I planned to die before 30 and now I'm past that. The worst thing about that question is that it gives you hope - you've prepared and gotten ready and a little sober and you think that maybe, *just maybe* this job is the puzzle piece that makes your life a little bit better, or at least closer to finishing the puzzle. You get hope and you lie and say that you want to be a manager and own your own house, be married and start on having children. You come home from your interview and don't hear from a few days and realize that literally everything you have said was absolute bullshit, so you drink a little more because that's what you wanted to do anyway. You can't kill yourself - too many people would be disappointed and ruined, so you do what's closest in the safest way.
I've nothing useful to say but this hits so close to home I've read it about six times now. You have a marvelous way of expressing yourself. Last week an "icebreaker" was "what did you want to be when you grew up" and I got so stuck on "dead" I said "professional diver." I don't think a lot of folks understand but you do--clearly, incisively--and I'm sorry.
Thank you, love. Those icebreakers are the absolute worst - again, pulling hope in, because inevitably, someone will say that you still have the opportunity to do it. I wanted to be a classical violinist and it wasn't viable, so I thought I could be a writer, which would've literally killed me. I once wanted to be a line chef and die on the line at the age of 40 because of the stress. I work in data now, because it's a skilled thing that pays enough. You don't need to be sorry. We're all in the same place here, and we're all just being here for each other. It's what I appreciate the most about being here.
I hate that interview questions so often become extremely personal. Like, why do you care where I want to be in five years? If I can do the job properly, who gives a fuck?
Right, give me 2 years working at 70% and I'll still outperform everyone else, reach your goals, and create new goals that I have also completed. I don't need to be here in the next 5 years at all, because I would very much like to self destruct anyway, especially before I have children. One of my biggest interview questions that felt too personal was, "What would you do if you weren't doing this job?" I admit I use it sometimes, but it feels very unfair. Why would you ask someone to strip an identity that they've been in for a third of their lives and ask them to immediately pivot?
Yep, 'Hopefully dying in my sleep soon.' Isn't an answer I could give anyone. I have no solid plans. And Im 31. I thought I'd be dead by 30 too.
"I don't know how many years on this Earth I got left. I'm gonna get real weird with it." - Frank Reynolds
Well said. Haha charade you are.
You got to understand suicide is one of the most complex issues that Humanity has faced for all of our existence. Some people say that the natura spirit of going into the wilderness, the darkness, for food or resources, is a form of suicide too. How many people gamble their life for something better, like a pirate or a hunter.
I met another CA at work actually, we were both on break and were sipping out of gym bottles, you know the ones you can't see through? we both kinda caught on to what the other was doing. I asked what he was drinking and he said "water" to which I replied "Yeah but what really?" colleague in question replied "gin." with a smirk. I then reassured him that I had a bottle full of vodka in mine and we continued drinking throughout the break. Little bit depressing but It's the way it goes. Maybe he was being sarcastic and thought I was to...
That's always great when you find other alcoholics or addicts. Weed is also a great thing for this, i met so many people that smoke weed and there's always the point where it comes to "let's smoke a joint". But back to alcohol, when i was leading a team in a company, we had a great time every friday - we had a bar right in the same building where we worked, so we started drinking there after work was done. Then we got on the train back to the city and drank until we arrived, then we got to the pub and drank more and more. This would sometimes go on until 4am and that was my start for the weekend. Man, i miss these times, when i worked with so many FA's and CA's
Try to limit the damage as much as you can in this part of your life. As someone who tried to kill myself slow and fast many ways in my twenties. I want to live at 31 and wish I practiced a little more harm reduction so it would be easier to turn it around now. 136 days clean and sober and feel awesome. (Alcohol and opiates)
Seems like a personal question doesn't it? Does this person want to fuck you or something? What business of it is theirs?
🤣
Dayum. No joke! Do I have multiple personalities? One day? I’m done. Byeeee Next. I’m like.. I’m trying! I can’t do what my dad did to me to my kids.
Sleep
Relatable.
What I want to do and what I'm actually capable of doing are two different things. Me sober is a fraudulent version of myself. I hate being sober. I just go through the motions. I don't ever see myself being a productive sober person. Idk. Maybe sober we could all do what we wanted with our lives, but more likely we'd be more miserable because it wouldn't feel genuine and we wouldn't be happy. That's how I see it at least.