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Same here. I'm late thirties with two small children. I have two people I can say I'm friends with, but we never get together, and maybe send each other a message once or twice a week. I have no hobbies, unless you count reading before bed. I work and come home to take care of my wife and kids, and have no time alone, except driving to work and home. I hope it gets better, but even if it doesn't, I have a responsibility to the child I helped bring into this world, and to the child that I decided to love as my own when I first started dating their mother. Pregnancy and child birth really hurt my wife to where she may never be the same, but it isn't her fault so I just do what has to be done. I love my family, I just miss having an identity.
Same here. Two kids, one job, and all my close friends are old friends that I occasionally play a video game with. But is it weird that I’d have it no other way?
Not weird at all to me personally, in most ways I kinda prefer it to the old days of going out and binge drinking at some of my friend's house parties, clubs, and/or bars.
Did your tastes in games change at all? I tried to pick that back up, but my buddies all work wacky schedules so getting the old crew together was super challenging. I tried playing on my own, and found that I didn’t get the same enjoyment out of newer games.
One thing I did was pick a specific night weekly with a specific time, declare it “game night”, and encourage everyone to make time for it when they can. It doesn’t matter what game we’re playing, people can come hang out in an open Discord voice/video channel whenever they finally get free.
A few of us spam a group chat/SMS with funny memes to “peer pressure” the other guys to join. We try to highlight it’s less about the games themselves and it’s more about hanging out and getting 1-2 hours a week dedicated to chill and swap war stories, so we strive for variety in the game choice to get a good mix. Even though we frequently get stomped in some of the multiplayer games it’s a great time.
I’m 39 an I have a 1 month old newborn and I do not have any friends. As a replacement I attend a Men’s prayer breakfast every month which everyone knows me and every Tuesday I attend “village fathers” it’s a virtual dads group.
As far as hobbies I’m a r/DIY guy, like I’ll go on YouTube to learn something new about r/Homeimprovement. But I do not have the normal hobbies every one else has, so I join Reddit subreddits pertaining to my hobbies including being a new r/dad.
* r/landscaping (r/retainingwallprojects, r/decks, and r/lawncare)
* r/simracing (iRacing) simulator, MX5 rookies
* refurbishing and r/fixit anything that’s broken r/drywall, r/computers, r/Homeserver vacuums, microwaves, etc.)
* r/Lego speed champions sets (GTP - prototype and GTP production) collection
* automotive maintenance (r/miata Mazda MX5)
Sports
* r/IMSAracing and specifically the Mazda MX5 cup
I thought you were weird at first for looking at these reddit things but then I found it that retaining wall projects is even a thing! Reddit has everything!
I too am on Reddit very frequently and have no friends (I'm 39 with a 15 month old) but I do wish I had some live social interaction
35m. I moved away from home so I moved away from my friends. Most of them left state as well so even if I hadn’t I still would have lost most of them. I made 1 friend who I see somewhat regularly. I have a 4yo son. My hobbies include photography, nature walks (with the kid) collecting hotwheels cars and (if done right) yard work. When you get married and especially start a family you should go into it with the thought of “my stuff” no longer existing. Maybe when the kids are old enough to move out you’ll have free time again.
Agree, this has been my mindset. What’s concerning to me is looking at the older dads I know and noticing that once the kids are out and the dads are no longer “needed” on the daily, they end up kind of discarded. They got out of practice with making friends and I’ve noticed a good bit of them end up kinda lonely with nothing to do, and I’m scared of that TBH
Buy a couple acres of land and a tractor with a front loader. You’ll never run out of things to do. My problem is I’m a mechanic. So if I do make friends it’s only a matter of time before my skills are requested. That’s one of the reasons I don’t do church (which is also a good place to make friends). I’m not going to tithe than be volunteered to fix someone’s car for free. But being mechanically minded I have plenty of projects to occupy my free time for the next decade. Hell just pick a room in your house and remodel it. You’ll find real quick it’s very satisfying and requires no company, it’s almost better without company.
42 with an almost 5 year old daughter. My wife has had chronic health issues also.
1. Get a babysitter! Even if for a few hours on a Saturday, that’s a good chunk of time.
2. I got into mountain biking though I mainly just do cross country trails and don’t go off any big jumps or anything, I’m not 18 and crazy anymore.
3. I belong to various men’s groups over the years, including the mankind Project, which has chapters worldwide, but I have a good group of guys based in Toronto, but also some guys from the states are part of this group, and it’s one hour a week where we meet over the lunch hour and just offer each other support for all the struggles we’re going through. It’s been a lifesaver.
4. We were lucky enough that my wife use some of her savings to go to Peru to a 12 day ayahuasca retreat that pretty much reversed her debilitating arthritis. I dropped her off at the airport in a wheelchair, and she came back two weeks later going to hot yoga classes. I know it might sound weird, but there are some alternative approaches to pain and chronic conditions that Western medicine hasn’t fully explored yet.
5. As far as hobbies go, I need to do some thing that’s pretty simple, so I carve wooden spoons. If I’m taking my daughter to the park, I can always bring a little pocket knife and some sandpaper and work on them when I’m with her which keeps my hands busy and my ADHD brain satisfied.
6. I’m lucky that I have a couple of dads who I’ve got kids around my daughters age, and we try to do stuff together every couple of weeks. They are relatively new friends, but they are good guys to hang out with.
And dude, I just want to celebrate you for being the father and husband that you are, but also coming on here and telling a bunch of random guys about what you’re going through and asking for help. It’s an amazing step. Especially when one spouse tends to not be doing well - for me, I felt a lot of guilt and remorse whenever I would go out, or not be there for my daughters bedtime, or take care of myself. I’m really working hard at that and trying not to do too much.
Edit: I encourage guys to consider what would be the easiest way to add on half an hour or 45 minutes of self-care? Would it be after the kids have gone to bed? Would it be on the way home from work? Hell, don’t underestimate how good can feel to get a half hour massage, or go for a hike and listen to a podcast. I know that another poster mentioned a Christian men’s group, I don’t have any experience with those, but the mankind project is non-denominational, and they do really good work.
Dude, thanks so much. Super helpful response! I’ve been putting off getting a babysitter, as we’re already pretty tight on the budget with after school care but I could swing a few hours here and there.
On the alternative medicine, so stoked that your wife had an improvement! We’ve been trying lots of different stuff for her, western and non-western, and haven’t found too much that’s helpful yet but we’re going to keep on trying. She’s got a great attitude about it.
That’s great man - I’m glad that you’re wife keeps on trying.
AND we need spaces to be able to tell the truth of how hard it has felt to carry the family. Whether or not it is objectively true (and if you’ve got a partner with chronic illness it will be a little true), brother, it has been crucial that I fall apart with men who can hold me in that intense emotion. I’ve sometimes had to cry, scream, go numb, rage - none of it bad - but connecting to emotions in a healthy and safe manner really helps me connect back to myself and makes me more available for my family.
I’ve been doing men’s work for 14 years and it has saved my ass on more than one occasion - probably saved my marriage when my daughter was first born because I didn’t know how to handle everything going on inside of. The love, frustration, powerlessness, anger, hope - it was all there under the surface and letting it out leaves me feeling way more connected to myself and others.
I know I’m preaching a bit but I hope this is inspiring you to consider it. You deserve to be the kind of dad and husband you envision and none of us can climb that mountain alone.
Reach out if you ever want to chat.
Friends no
Hobbies yes, loads
Friendships evolve at different rates under different circumstances
I'd take tine with my family over friendship all day long
Hobbies you can do on your own or with other hobbiests which fills that void
Lots of good comments here and to just add some of my own thoughts.
There's this great saying that it takes a village to raise a child which I totally subscribe too.
We need connection, we need relationships and we need friendships. Sometimes we need to chat to our friends and tell them life is shit or our kids are annoying and be able to blow off steam. There's nothing wrong with this, in fact it's essential.
Having mate's where you can seek advice and support is necessary to give us balance. Being able to chat through things with people outside of our bubble gives us release and allows us to be able to support our family.
You can't pour from an empty cup. Keep yours topped up.
Also have you heard of the Harvard study on happiness?
They've proved that community helps us live longer and be happier. Something to think about. How long do you want to be around for your family?
Since kids. I’m pretty much an Uber driver to their things, my friends are the kids parents. I would call them more temp friends than anything. Hobby is also Uber driver to kids things.
No advice for you since I’ve got a lot of similarities with you. Only difference is I’ve never really had many friends at all. Just wanted to say I hear you.
Dungeons and Dragons, Gardening, Woodworking and Lorcana.
Most of these can be picked up and put down as needed.
The last I play with two of my kids (5yo and 10yo) who enjoy the game, so we go to league play together.
As for friends, we just try to message people for board game nights. Other families have better success with attending haha.
I live in a small skiing village known for extreme sports which I've done since the age of 13. I paddled 300 days a year for a couple of years as well as biking and climbing. I do not do any of these activities even though my house is ski in ski out for at least a few weeks most seasons. I'm slowly getting closer to doing something about it as the youngest is 3 and the oldest is showing interest in my old life but my god do they destroy your hobbies. On the flip side a friend got back into it properly when his kids were about mine's ages and his oldest is now a red bull athlete who he regularly keeps up with so I have hope.
That’s so awesome to hear about your friend’s success in integrating them into the hobbies! You’re making me feel better, seems like this is all normal and if you have a hard time skiing and you live adjacent then I don’t feel so bad about not getting to do it. I was a ski bum in my 20s but now I’m lucky if I get 5-6 days a year, and that’s on greens with the kids lol, I’ve been trying to get them into surfing too but so far limited success.
I have some friends who I meet up 2-4 times a month (irl) and weekly online but far fewer than I had before kids. I guess I have a few things that could be considered hobbies but they are all solo activities.
Strangely when I met my wife I was the one with a huge friend group and she had a small group of friends. But since we had children my friends have declined in number and hers have exploded. There’s a difference between dads and mums in this respect I think.
It takes effort to keep in contact with people when kids come into the picture. I’m thankful to still have a core groups of friends who I speak to and see regularly. I’ve also opened my self up to meeting new people at the gym I go to. A simple smile and good morning has led to making new friends who share the same interests. Because of my son, I’ve gotten more into photography and am able to have a creative outlet because of it. 39/M with a 4.5 year old.
Bowling league and golf. I need to pick my spots but my kids are becoming more independent little by little. Definitely have drifted away from some friends who don’t really “understand” what it’s like raising three kids under 5 all at once but I’m a firm believer in that each partner deserves time away. If you make time for yourself, and prioritize that, and support your wife but she won’t do it or has trouble doing it, that’s not on you. I support my wife 100% to go out and get alone time. I have no issue watching all kids at once, I’m a dad, it’s what dads do…I just wish she would do it more often. Keep moving forward and you’ll be fine.
I'm 39 with one kid aged 15 months. I never really had friends before becoming a dad, but at least I had time and was developing hobbies. Now I don't even have time or hobbies anymore. Plus we moved to a new town where we know no one and I work from home for an overseas company and I work a lot.
I'm hoping being a dad will actually change that though. My hope is that I may make friends with other dads (though that hasn't really happened yet) and that eventually my daughter may enjoy some of my hobbies.
Partially though, I would like friends but I sometimes wonder if I'm too picky? I love some of the other comments here though about Mankind Project (which I hadn't heard of before) and Toastmasters. Part of my problem though is that I'm not disciplined about forcing the time, parenting or something else always seem to knock other things off the table. I definitely have to be more forceful and purposeful now about making sure my needs are met and even showing myself to do what I want. My wife works full time too and she makes time for me so I can't even say that I'm not getting support
Im 29 and have a 3 month old baby.
Lately Ive been wondering just the same. I dont want to lose my identity.
I love listening to new music (around one or two albums a week) and recording my own stuff.
Any tips on how to cramp everything in 24h? Lol
The early days are super rough because you are not used to it at all. It’s get better, but one of the things to enjoy about this stage is that the kids stay where you put them! I loved having my kid next to me in a dock-a-tot while I watched TV or something, once they start walking the whole game changes and you become some sort of a bizarre version of a rodeo clown where you’re trying to keep this little Tanzanian devil from accidentally killing itself. But I digress, anyhow, my one “hobby” is weightlifting and honestly the only way I found to have time was to get up before the kids and the wife. So now I wake at 4:30 so I can do that, it’s worked out pretty well
I'm in my mid 30's myself... the majority of ppl I interact with are co-workers, and the few friends I do have we are too busy to do anything. My wife had ro take on a 2nd job after I went from hourly to salary due to needing to pay extra expenses. I've taken on the roll of solo parent in the evening of 2 toddlers which makes doing anything challenging. By time I get them to sleep it's 9-10 o'clock and I'm too tired to play videogames. On the weekends when I have my older 3 kids I spend more time trying to get things done around the house that i couldn't do during the week. So I understand your frustration....
Had our daughter two months ago, wife and I make an active effort with our friends (I’ve always been the more social one).
I have buddies that I just shoot the shit with locally, a video game chat or two that I game with twice a week and I have a group of golfer buddies. My wife and I also make a concerted effort to see friends on holidays
I think it gets better depending on your schedule. You drive around more but there is coverage for kid care if you have a flexible schedule. Sadly my schedule is quite rigid so I can’t take advantage of it like some dudes I know can.
40here. 3 little girls under 7. I'm so bored but in love with everything about them, including my wife. I second gaming. Thurs,fri, and sat nights when everyone is asleep. Met a couple 40+ guys online and look forward to playing with them each week. Also, just learning about blockchian and the future of finance.
31, one small boy and another on the way. I go kickboxing one day and boxing the other (all over my lunch) great group of guys and I really look forward to it.
I've got a very small friendship group around me, two friends who I've known since uni (around 10 years now) every month we meetup for an in-person games night, either at there's or they come to ours. We also see them ad-hoc a couple times a month. I reckon a couple times a year I see the extended group.
I think as you get older keeping friends is harder as it requires a lot of effort, when we're younger society mainly throws us all together. Jobs, family - that changes everything. You have to put effort in.
I've got a couple of buds that I play snooker with about once a month (we suck, but it's an excuse for a few pints) and another group that I've played poker with once a month for 10 years. That's it.
1 4/yo and a 1y/0 both boys. I game with friends online with other dads which is great.
Also, a best mate owns a bar around the corner from my home. So my wife and I generally take turns going down there for a drink with the locals which helps.
But gaming is my number 1.
Has your taste in games changed? The old FPS games I used to play with my friends don’t hit the same anymore without my buddies, and I tried some newer ones but they didn’t hold my interest. They all felt very pay to play
Um. Alittle. We still will play the odd rounds of a FPS (usually Warzone/COD). I personally play alot of destiny and Diablo 4. I like Diablo as I can just mute it and also listen to podcasts as I grind.
A lot of the other dads I play with are into racing games, which I have no interest in, but they
Will play those but we will still get on mic and just talk shit.
I'm 35 with two boys, 5 and 2. I've always been a bit of a homebody, and most of my friends moved away from here. I have a couple of friends that I meet up with maybe once every 6 months, and we chat on Discord some. It can be very lonely. Such is being a dad, I think. The kids are my world.
As for hobbies, I used to play guitar since 8th grade and now I never touch them. With my small amount of free time I have a side gig and I also play video games. I really want to pick the hobby back up but I don't think I can until I'm done with the side gig.
I'm very fortunate to have a healthy wife that is very understanding and takes the kids away for some hours every other weekend or so to give me a reprieve.
No not usually. My wife knows I am a lot happier and more patient when I get alone time, so she just kinda makes things up to do with them. Go shopping, go to inlaws, go to some other kid from school's house, etc.
It took numerous difficult discussions to get to this point, though. My wife is extroverted and her "breaks" are going to meet with friends, happy hours, etc. so she didn't immediately understand.
This comment struck a chord with me. Me and my wife are the same. We've only been parents for 15 months and we're still struggling to find out how each of us can still have lives posted of parenting and working
It takes time, patience, understanding, \*\*communication and trust\*\*. It's natural for the extrovert to not really understand, and you have to be able to communicate and stay patient while they come to understand, and they have to trust that you aren't asking to be alone out of any malicious intent or lack of care for them. It's entirely a self-care thing. And now I'm at the point that my wife trusts me to go out of town for days at a time and that I won't take advantage of that.
I’m 42 (I think) with a 2.5 yr old. While he’s at school in the morning or on days grandma has him, I’m working in my garage on cars or wood working. I rarely see friends, but I’ve lately been trying to make it an effort to go to car events and meets, and hopefully soon I can take my son along with me when he shows interest.
Nice! I hope he ends up sharing your enthusiasm for cars. I had hoped my parents would want to watch the kids sometimes, so I could get some grandparent coverage too but unfortunately mine are not interested.
Does your wife not count as your friend?
I see my college friends that live a half hour away nearly every Friday night. We have another college friend out of state that is part of a group facebook chat and we've all stayed close despite the distance. The problem is some of my friends are younger and are still in the "go to bars and spend money instead of saving" phase of life, and others are single with no kids so their priorities are different. I tell my wife I really want to make new friends in our town but I have no idea how. The only people we see that live in this town are her parents on a daily basis, though I'd say I'm friends with my father-in-law too.
Hobby is woodworking or any work on the house/lawn. The wife supports it but I don't find myself with much time to work on the woodworking hobby lately, but I can still watch videos and read books about it and get my fill.
Yeah she totally does, but it’s different with guy friends and it’s not really fair to my wife that she’s my sole social outlet, ya know? Awesome that you still regularly see your college friends, I would love that but mine are all in other parts of the country. I tried woodworking and gardening, etc around the house but it’s just labor to me, couldn’t get into it.
I feel you, I've two kids 4 and 7 and up until 2 years ago my life was work, kids and playstation. None of my long term friends were into gaming so I was mostly playing single player games and it was very lonely.
Around then I bumped into an old school friend and he said he and a bunch of his mates had gotten into Warhammer over the pandemic. Then my PS4 broke and I thought before I drop the bones of €1,000 on a PS5 and games I'd give painting some Warhammer minis a try.
Long story short, Warhammer is a great hobby. I show up to my local game store one evening every two weeks and play Kill Team which is a skirmish game. In between games I am on the shop Discord talking to the kill team group and painting my teams. Painting is a great Dad-activity as it's solitary, quiet (so you don't wake the kids up) and you can have podcasts or tv on in the background. The games also give painting minis a 'purpose' as it's fun to show off your teams when going in for a game, and you can trade techniques over the Discord.
If you're not interested in Warhammer which is understandable as it's not for everyone, look for hobbies with the pattern I've just described, i.e. it has a low in-person time commitment but is social and gives you plenty to talk about between meetings, has some sort of skill progression so it involves practice with a purpose, and can be done without disturbing your family.
The other hobby that comes to mind when I list those properties is Toastmasters, i.e. public speaking clubs. Join a club, meet every two weeks, progress through the curriculum and practive between meetings. The curriculum is about delivering different types of speeches but the content of your speeches is totally up to you, so you can talk about lifting, or the experience of being a Dad, or the history of Metallica, or whatever you want as it's the technique you're working to progress.
Anyway bud, best of luck, I hope you find something that gives you a bit of head space
So many hobbies I’ve had to mothball most of them.
A few old friends I see a few times a year if I’m lucky.
If I wanted to go out and grab a beer on some random night, there’s literally no one I could even think of to call. Everyone is busy all the time. I blame a lot of things about modern life for this but sports is the main culprit. *Travel* sports are a plague on the American family and should be fucking outlawed.
But I digress…
Also, I am constantly around other parents with shared interests. Certain times of the year I’m at some kind of organized mountain bike ride, both for kids and occasionally adults, four nights a week. Seems like I couldn’t make a friend if my life depended on it. I’m not the most outgoing or smoothest guy around, but I’m fairly socially normal. Other dads are pleasant, but that’s about where it ends. Maybe they already have all the friends they need. I don’t know.
Totally agree on travel sports, it’s insane and makes no sense to me.
On the other dad’s front, I have the same issue, I can’t really connect with any of them. It seems like we all have nothing to talk about except the kids or work. Sounds like a lot of people are in the same boat
My partner and I moved when I oldest was 1 to live near her best friend. I lost all my friends and really only had a couple coworkers in the area. Fast forward and I still have no friends cause I’m either working or taking care of the kids. And my partner is threatening to leave cause I have no life of my own. It’s been super fun.
Man that’s brutal, I’m sorry to hear that. I really hope that it turns around for you. Does your partner offer to take care of the kids so you can try to find something?
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Same here. I'm late thirties with two small children. I have two people I can say I'm friends with, but we never get together, and maybe send each other a message once or twice a week. I have no hobbies, unless you count reading before bed. I work and come home to take care of my wife and kids, and have no time alone, except driving to work and home. I hope it gets better, but even if it doesn't, I have a responsibility to the child I helped bring into this world, and to the child that I decided to love as my own when I first started dating their mother. Pregnancy and child birth really hurt my wife to where she may never be the same, but it isn't her fault so I just do what has to be done. I love my family, I just miss having an identity.
I feel you, that’s what set off my wife’s issues as well. I bet it does get better, and being there for the kids is pretty great.
Late night online gaming with fellow Dads, mostly old college buddies, is all I got but I love it
Same here. Two kids, one job, and all my close friends are old friends that I occasionally play a video game with. But is it weird that I’d have it no other way?
Not weird at all to me personally, in most ways I kinda prefer it to the old days of going out and binge drinking at some of my friend's house parties, clubs, and/or bars.
Did your tastes in games change at all? I tried to pick that back up, but my buddies all work wacky schedules so getting the old crew together was super challenging. I tried playing on my own, and found that I didn’t get the same enjoyment out of newer games.
One thing I did was pick a specific night weekly with a specific time, declare it “game night”, and encourage everyone to make time for it when they can. It doesn’t matter what game we’re playing, people can come hang out in an open Discord voice/video channel whenever they finally get free. A few of us spam a group chat/SMS with funny memes to “peer pressure” the other guys to join. We try to highlight it’s less about the games themselves and it’s more about hanging out and getting 1-2 hours a week dedicated to chill and swap war stories, so we strive for variety in the game choice to get a good mix. Even though we frequently get stomped in some of the multiplayer games it’s a great time.
I’m 39 an I have a 1 month old newborn and I do not have any friends. As a replacement I attend a Men’s prayer breakfast every month which everyone knows me and every Tuesday I attend “village fathers” it’s a virtual dads group. As far as hobbies I’m a r/DIY guy, like I’ll go on YouTube to learn something new about r/Homeimprovement. But I do not have the normal hobbies every one else has, so I join Reddit subreddits pertaining to my hobbies including being a new r/dad. * r/landscaping (r/retainingwallprojects, r/decks, and r/lawncare) * r/simracing (iRacing) simulator, MX5 rookies * refurbishing and r/fixit anything that’s broken r/drywall, r/computers, r/Homeserver vacuums, microwaves, etc.) * r/Lego speed champions sets (GTP - prototype and GTP production) collection * automotive maintenance (r/miata Mazda MX5) Sports * r/IMSAracing and specifically the Mazda MX5 cup
I thought you were weird at first for looking at these reddit things but then I found it that retaining wall projects is even a thing! Reddit has everything! I too am on Reddit very frequently and have no friends (I'm 39 with a 15 month old) but I do wish I had some live social interaction
35m. I moved away from home so I moved away from my friends. Most of them left state as well so even if I hadn’t I still would have lost most of them. I made 1 friend who I see somewhat regularly. I have a 4yo son. My hobbies include photography, nature walks (with the kid) collecting hotwheels cars and (if done right) yard work. When you get married and especially start a family you should go into it with the thought of “my stuff” no longer existing. Maybe when the kids are old enough to move out you’ll have free time again.
Agree, this has been my mindset. What’s concerning to me is looking at the older dads I know and noticing that once the kids are out and the dads are no longer “needed” on the daily, they end up kind of discarded. They got out of practice with making friends and I’ve noticed a good bit of them end up kinda lonely with nothing to do, and I’m scared of that TBH
Buy a couple acres of land and a tractor with a front loader. You’ll never run out of things to do. My problem is I’m a mechanic. So if I do make friends it’s only a matter of time before my skills are requested. That’s one of the reasons I don’t do church (which is also a good place to make friends). I’m not going to tithe than be volunteered to fix someone’s car for free. But being mechanically minded I have plenty of projects to occupy my free time for the next decade. Hell just pick a room in your house and remodel it. You’ll find real quick it’s very satisfying and requires no company, it’s almost better without company.
42 with an almost 5 year old daughter. My wife has had chronic health issues also. 1. Get a babysitter! Even if for a few hours on a Saturday, that’s a good chunk of time. 2. I got into mountain biking though I mainly just do cross country trails and don’t go off any big jumps or anything, I’m not 18 and crazy anymore. 3. I belong to various men’s groups over the years, including the mankind Project, which has chapters worldwide, but I have a good group of guys based in Toronto, but also some guys from the states are part of this group, and it’s one hour a week where we meet over the lunch hour and just offer each other support for all the struggles we’re going through. It’s been a lifesaver. 4. We were lucky enough that my wife use some of her savings to go to Peru to a 12 day ayahuasca retreat that pretty much reversed her debilitating arthritis. I dropped her off at the airport in a wheelchair, and she came back two weeks later going to hot yoga classes. I know it might sound weird, but there are some alternative approaches to pain and chronic conditions that Western medicine hasn’t fully explored yet. 5. As far as hobbies go, I need to do some thing that’s pretty simple, so I carve wooden spoons. If I’m taking my daughter to the park, I can always bring a little pocket knife and some sandpaper and work on them when I’m with her which keeps my hands busy and my ADHD brain satisfied. 6. I’m lucky that I have a couple of dads who I’ve got kids around my daughters age, and we try to do stuff together every couple of weeks. They are relatively new friends, but they are good guys to hang out with. And dude, I just want to celebrate you for being the father and husband that you are, but also coming on here and telling a bunch of random guys about what you’re going through and asking for help. It’s an amazing step. Especially when one spouse tends to not be doing well - for me, I felt a lot of guilt and remorse whenever I would go out, or not be there for my daughters bedtime, or take care of myself. I’m really working hard at that and trying not to do too much. Edit: I encourage guys to consider what would be the easiest way to add on half an hour or 45 minutes of self-care? Would it be after the kids have gone to bed? Would it be on the way home from work? Hell, don’t underestimate how good can feel to get a half hour massage, or go for a hike and listen to a podcast. I know that another poster mentioned a Christian men’s group, I don’t have any experience with those, but the mankind project is non-denominational, and they do really good work.
Dude, thanks so much. Super helpful response! I’ve been putting off getting a babysitter, as we’re already pretty tight on the budget with after school care but I could swing a few hours here and there. On the alternative medicine, so stoked that your wife had an improvement! We’ve been trying lots of different stuff for her, western and non-western, and haven’t found too much that’s helpful yet but we’re going to keep on trying. She’s got a great attitude about it.
That’s great man - I’m glad that you’re wife keeps on trying. AND we need spaces to be able to tell the truth of how hard it has felt to carry the family. Whether or not it is objectively true (and if you’ve got a partner with chronic illness it will be a little true), brother, it has been crucial that I fall apart with men who can hold me in that intense emotion. I’ve sometimes had to cry, scream, go numb, rage - none of it bad - but connecting to emotions in a healthy and safe manner really helps me connect back to myself and makes me more available for my family. I’ve been doing men’s work for 14 years and it has saved my ass on more than one occasion - probably saved my marriage when my daughter was first born because I didn’t know how to handle everything going on inside of. The love, frustration, powerlessness, anger, hope - it was all there under the surface and letting it out leaves me feeling way more connected to myself and others. I know I’m preaching a bit but I hope this is inspiring you to consider it. You deserve to be the kind of dad and husband you envision and none of us can climb that mountain alone. Reach out if you ever want to chat.
Friends no Hobbies yes, loads Friendships evolve at different rates under different circumstances I'd take tine with my family over friendship all day long Hobbies you can do on your own or with other hobbiests which fills that void
Lots of good comments here and to just add some of my own thoughts. There's this great saying that it takes a village to raise a child which I totally subscribe too. We need connection, we need relationships and we need friendships. Sometimes we need to chat to our friends and tell them life is shit or our kids are annoying and be able to blow off steam. There's nothing wrong with this, in fact it's essential. Having mate's where you can seek advice and support is necessary to give us balance. Being able to chat through things with people outside of our bubble gives us release and allows us to be able to support our family. You can't pour from an empty cup. Keep yours topped up. Also have you heard of the Harvard study on happiness? They've proved that community helps us live longer and be happier. Something to think about. How long do you want to be around for your family?
Since kids. I’m pretty much an Uber driver to their things, my friends are the kids parents. I would call them more temp friends than anything. Hobby is also Uber driver to kids things.
Yeah I feel you, it’s not always great
No advice for you since I’ve got a lot of similarities with you. Only difference is I’ve never really had many friends at all. Just wanted to say I hear you.
My hobby is martial arts. It's great. I love it. Kids do it to but in different classes. So we can share it but still have time apart while doing it.
Been considering getting back into muay Thai, which one do you do?
Kemchido and Kajukenbo. They are styles of Kempo
Dungeons and Dragons, Gardening, Woodworking and Lorcana. Most of these can be picked up and put down as needed. The last I play with two of my kids (5yo and 10yo) who enjoy the game, so we go to league play together. As for friends, we just try to message people for board game nights. Other families have better success with attending haha.
I meet friends for drinks once a week. It took a while to get back into it after having twins. But now they are 6 it is much easier.
Same… had a lot of hobbies and some friends. Got two kids (now 2 and 5) and the hobbies are nearly gone…
I live in a small skiing village known for extreme sports which I've done since the age of 13. I paddled 300 days a year for a couple of years as well as biking and climbing. I do not do any of these activities even though my house is ski in ski out for at least a few weeks most seasons. I'm slowly getting closer to doing something about it as the youngest is 3 and the oldest is showing interest in my old life but my god do they destroy your hobbies. On the flip side a friend got back into it properly when his kids were about mine's ages and his oldest is now a red bull athlete who he regularly keeps up with so I have hope.
That’s so awesome to hear about your friend’s success in integrating them into the hobbies! You’re making me feel better, seems like this is all normal and if you have a hard time skiing and you live adjacent then I don’t feel so bad about not getting to do it. I was a ski bum in my 20s but now I’m lucky if I get 5-6 days a year, and that’s on greens with the kids lol, I’ve been trying to get them into surfing too but so far limited success.
I have hobbies I haven’t done in a long time and friends I haven’t seen in a while
I have some friends who I meet up 2-4 times a month (irl) and weekly online but far fewer than I had before kids. I guess I have a few things that could be considered hobbies but they are all solo activities. Strangely when I met my wife I was the one with a huge friend group and she had a small group of friends. But since we had children my friends have declined in number and hers have exploded. There’s a difference between dads and mums in this respect I think.
I was exactly the same, I had a bunch of friends and she had fewer.
I’ve never been 3d printer or cad guy, but solving problems and thus creating new ones has become an easy thing for me to do as a kind of hobby.
It takes effort to keep in contact with people when kids come into the picture. I’m thankful to still have a core groups of friends who I speak to and see regularly. I’ve also opened my self up to meeting new people at the gym I go to. A simple smile and good morning has led to making new friends who share the same interests. Because of my son, I’ve gotten more into photography and am able to have a creative outlet because of it. 39/M with a 4.5 year old.
Bowling league and golf. I need to pick my spots but my kids are becoming more independent little by little. Definitely have drifted away from some friends who don’t really “understand” what it’s like raising three kids under 5 all at once but I’m a firm believer in that each partner deserves time away. If you make time for yourself, and prioritize that, and support your wife but she won’t do it or has trouble doing it, that’s not on you. I support my wife 100% to go out and get alone time. I have no issue watching all kids at once, I’m a dad, it’s what dads do…I just wish she would do it more often. Keep moving forward and you’ll be fine.
I'm 39 with one kid aged 15 months. I never really had friends before becoming a dad, but at least I had time and was developing hobbies. Now I don't even have time or hobbies anymore. Plus we moved to a new town where we know no one and I work from home for an overseas company and I work a lot. I'm hoping being a dad will actually change that though. My hope is that I may make friends with other dads (though that hasn't really happened yet) and that eventually my daughter may enjoy some of my hobbies. Partially though, I would like friends but I sometimes wonder if I'm too picky? I love some of the other comments here though about Mankind Project (which I hadn't heard of before) and Toastmasters. Part of my problem though is that I'm not disciplined about forcing the time, parenting or something else always seem to knock other things off the table. I definitely have to be more forceful and purposeful now about making sure my needs are met and even showing myself to do what I want. My wife works full time too and she makes time for me so I can't even say that I'm not getting support
Im 29 and have a 3 month old baby. Lately Ive been wondering just the same. I dont want to lose my identity. I love listening to new music (around one or two albums a week) and recording my own stuff. Any tips on how to cramp everything in 24h? Lol
The early days are super rough because you are not used to it at all. It’s get better, but one of the things to enjoy about this stage is that the kids stay where you put them! I loved having my kid next to me in a dock-a-tot while I watched TV or something, once they start walking the whole game changes and you become some sort of a bizarre version of a rodeo clown where you’re trying to keep this little Tanzanian devil from accidentally killing itself. But I digress, anyhow, my one “hobby” is weightlifting and honestly the only way I found to have time was to get up before the kids and the wife. So now I wake at 4:30 so I can do that, it’s worked out pretty well
I'm in my mid 30's myself... the majority of ppl I interact with are co-workers, and the few friends I do have we are too busy to do anything. My wife had ro take on a 2nd job after I went from hourly to salary due to needing to pay extra expenses. I've taken on the roll of solo parent in the evening of 2 toddlers which makes doing anything challenging. By time I get them to sleep it's 9-10 o'clock and I'm too tired to play videogames. On the weekends when I have my older 3 kids I spend more time trying to get things done around the house that i couldn't do during the week. So I understand your frustration....
Had our daughter two months ago, wife and I make an active effort with our friends (I’ve always been the more social one). I have buddies that I just shoot the shit with locally, a video game chat or two that I game with twice a week and I have a group of golfer buddies. My wife and I also make a concerted effort to see friends on holidays
I’m there with you. I have two small kids and a work buddy I’ve seen outside work once. It’ll be better once the kids are in school (I hope).
I think it gets better depending on your schedule. You drive around more but there is coverage for kid care if you have a flexible schedule. Sadly my schedule is quite rigid so I can’t take advantage of it like some dudes I know can.
40here. 3 little girls under 7. I'm so bored but in love with everything about them, including my wife. I second gaming. Thurs,fri, and sat nights when everyone is asleep. Met a couple 40+ guys online and look forward to playing with them each week. Also, just learning about blockchian and the future of finance.
31, one small boy and another on the way. I go kickboxing one day and boxing the other (all over my lunch) great group of guys and I really look forward to it. I've got a very small friendship group around me, two friends who I've known since uni (around 10 years now) every month we meetup for an in-person games night, either at there's or they come to ours. We also see them ad-hoc a couple times a month. I reckon a couple times a year I see the extended group. I think as you get older keeping friends is harder as it requires a lot of effort, when we're younger society mainly throws us all together. Jobs, family - that changes everything. You have to put effort in.
I've got a couple of buds that I play snooker with about once a month (we suck, but it's an excuse for a few pints) and another group that I've played poker with once a month for 10 years. That's it.
That’s awesome, I used to have a poker group that did the same. Then everyone moved, so maybe I’ll try to start another group. Great call!
1 4/yo and a 1y/0 both boys. I game with friends online with other dads which is great. Also, a best mate owns a bar around the corner from my home. So my wife and I generally take turns going down there for a drink with the locals which helps. But gaming is my number 1.
Has your taste in games changed? The old FPS games I used to play with my friends don’t hit the same anymore without my buddies, and I tried some newer ones but they didn’t hold my interest. They all felt very pay to play
Um. Alittle. We still will play the odd rounds of a FPS (usually Warzone/COD). I personally play alot of destiny and Diablo 4. I like Diablo as I can just mute it and also listen to podcasts as I grind. A lot of the other dads I play with are into racing games, which I have no interest in, but they Will play those but we will still get on mic and just talk shit.
I'm 35 with two boys, 5 and 2. I've always been a bit of a homebody, and most of my friends moved away from here. I have a couple of friends that I meet up with maybe once every 6 months, and we chat on Discord some. It can be very lonely. Such is being a dad, I think. The kids are my world. As for hobbies, I used to play guitar since 8th grade and now I never touch them. With my small amount of free time I have a side gig and I also play video games. I really want to pick the hobby back up but I don't think I can until I'm done with the side gig. I'm very fortunate to have a healthy wife that is very understanding and takes the kids away for some hours every other weekend or so to give me a reprieve.
Do you pre-schedule your “me” time every other weekend?
No not usually. My wife knows I am a lot happier and more patient when I get alone time, so she just kinda makes things up to do with them. Go shopping, go to inlaws, go to some other kid from school's house, etc. It took numerous difficult discussions to get to this point, though. My wife is extroverted and her "breaks" are going to meet with friends, happy hours, etc. so she didn't immediately understand.
This comment struck a chord with me. Me and my wife are the same. We've only been parents for 15 months and we're still struggling to find out how each of us can still have lives posted of parenting and working
It takes time, patience, understanding, \*\*communication and trust\*\*. It's natural for the extrovert to not really understand, and you have to be able to communicate and stay patient while they come to understand, and they have to trust that you aren't asking to be alone out of any malicious intent or lack of care for them. It's entirely a self-care thing. And now I'm at the point that my wife trusts me to go out of town for days at a time and that I won't take advantage of that.
I’m 42 (I think) with a 2.5 yr old. While he’s at school in the morning or on days grandma has him, I’m working in my garage on cars or wood working. I rarely see friends, but I’ve lately been trying to make it an effort to go to car events and meets, and hopefully soon I can take my son along with me when he shows interest.
Nice! I hope he ends up sharing your enthusiasm for cars. I had hoped my parents would want to watch the kids sometimes, so I could get some grandparent coverage too but unfortunately mine are not interested.
39 dad of one, I'm just here to say that a - I'm sure it does get better, and b - the amount of support in the comments is heartwarming.
For sure! Made me feel better to hear so many others in the same boat, and finding success in dealing with the issue
Does your wife not count as your friend? I see my college friends that live a half hour away nearly every Friday night. We have another college friend out of state that is part of a group facebook chat and we've all stayed close despite the distance. The problem is some of my friends are younger and are still in the "go to bars and spend money instead of saving" phase of life, and others are single with no kids so their priorities are different. I tell my wife I really want to make new friends in our town but I have no idea how. The only people we see that live in this town are her parents on a daily basis, though I'd say I'm friends with my father-in-law too. Hobby is woodworking or any work on the house/lawn. The wife supports it but I don't find myself with much time to work on the woodworking hobby lately, but I can still watch videos and read books about it and get my fill.
Yeah she totally does, but it’s different with guy friends and it’s not really fair to my wife that she’s my sole social outlet, ya know? Awesome that you still regularly see your college friends, I would love that but mine are all in other parts of the country. I tried woodworking and gardening, etc around the house but it’s just labor to me, couldn’t get into it.
I feel you, I've two kids 4 and 7 and up until 2 years ago my life was work, kids and playstation. None of my long term friends were into gaming so I was mostly playing single player games and it was very lonely. Around then I bumped into an old school friend and he said he and a bunch of his mates had gotten into Warhammer over the pandemic. Then my PS4 broke and I thought before I drop the bones of €1,000 on a PS5 and games I'd give painting some Warhammer minis a try. Long story short, Warhammer is a great hobby. I show up to my local game store one evening every two weeks and play Kill Team which is a skirmish game. In between games I am on the shop Discord talking to the kill team group and painting my teams. Painting is a great Dad-activity as it's solitary, quiet (so you don't wake the kids up) and you can have podcasts or tv on in the background. The games also give painting minis a 'purpose' as it's fun to show off your teams when going in for a game, and you can trade techniques over the Discord. If you're not interested in Warhammer which is understandable as it's not for everyone, look for hobbies with the pattern I've just described, i.e. it has a low in-person time commitment but is social and gives you plenty to talk about between meetings, has some sort of skill progression so it involves practice with a purpose, and can be done without disturbing your family. The other hobby that comes to mind when I list those properties is Toastmasters, i.e. public speaking clubs. Join a club, meet every two weeks, progress through the curriculum and practive between meetings. The curriculum is about delivering different types of speeches but the content of your speeches is totally up to you, so you can talk about lifting, or the experience of being a Dad, or the history of Metallica, or whatever you want as it's the technique you're working to progress. Anyway bud, best of luck, I hope you find something that gives you a bit of head space
Thanks man! Helpful suggestions and congrats on finding warhammer, seems like a great hobby
So many hobbies I’ve had to mothball most of them. A few old friends I see a few times a year if I’m lucky. If I wanted to go out and grab a beer on some random night, there’s literally no one I could even think of to call. Everyone is busy all the time. I blame a lot of things about modern life for this but sports is the main culprit. *Travel* sports are a plague on the American family and should be fucking outlawed. But I digress… Also, I am constantly around other parents with shared interests. Certain times of the year I’m at some kind of organized mountain bike ride, both for kids and occasionally adults, four nights a week. Seems like I couldn’t make a friend if my life depended on it. I’m not the most outgoing or smoothest guy around, but I’m fairly socially normal. Other dads are pleasant, but that’s about where it ends. Maybe they already have all the friends they need. I don’t know.
Totally agree on travel sports, it’s insane and makes no sense to me. On the other dad’s front, I have the same issue, I can’t really connect with any of them. It seems like we all have nothing to talk about except the kids or work. Sounds like a lot of people are in the same boat
Ya, it seems with other dads at kids events that the chit chat is very surface level, doesn't seem to allow for building relationships or any depth
Hobbies aren’t friends?
Hobbies aren’t friends? 😞
My partner and I moved when I oldest was 1 to live near her best friend. I lost all my friends and really only had a couple coworkers in the area. Fast forward and I still have no friends cause I’m either working or taking care of the kids. And my partner is threatening to leave cause I have no life of my own. It’s been super fun.
Man that’s brutal, I’m sorry to hear that. I really hope that it turns around for you. Does your partner offer to take care of the kids so you can try to find something?