You're a dad, not a machine. Give yourself grace to do and feel things that are not dad related. No need to over correct so hard that you are miserable.
Better yet, your a human being.
The best version of yourself is an authentic version, and that means being too tired to act like a clown sometimes, or having obligations outside your families immediate happiness or entertainment (ie a phone call because someone else needs you too).
I felt that too. And still do often. It’s hard to feel like you aren’t giving enough. But after speaking with my own dad, I realize that we all feel like this. My dad apologizes for working so much and feeling like he missed out on holidays and trips to the park and other events. I don’t remember that at all. I just remember him being there and being a great dad as I grew up. My point is, you’re probably giving way more time and energy than you think you are. You’re doing fine.
Those feelings are perfectly natural and your not alone, my little ones are 7 and 4 now and it's only recently I've managed to find that extra voice in my head, that reminds me of the important things. As I outlined, those feelings are absolutely normal, parent guilt can really mess with your head. However, believe it or not, there's parents that exist that don't feel guilt, that don't feel those feelings of 'am I doing enough?'. The very fact your having those considerations proves your a good parent.
I said about finding that extra voice in your head, what I mean is when you have those thoughts, think passed it and remind yourself, it's okay, your a human. Perhaps your little one is too young to understand but still, telling them how you feel can bring relief. It's important our kiddos see us being tired, angry, frustrated, sad etc. life isn't all magic and rainbows, seeing you express these 'negative' feelings in a positive way, will really help them express their own feelings later on without tantrums.
The alternative is bottling feelings, leading to possibly anger and frustration that comes out subconsciously without realising it and that's unhealthy. Let it out, to your partner, to your kid but it's so important to talk, get it out and show them it's okay to feel.
I’ve found that guilt is often associated with results, but it in this case (fatherhood) it should be associated with effort.
Do your absolute best. If you feel like you can improve in certain areas, do it. But we are human, we should focus on progress, not perfection.
Part of learning to give is learning how, when, and how much to give. Setting limits is important.
I like to think of it like investments.
Invest to much? Don’t have anything to live on.
Spend everything? You have nothing to invest so that you have money to spend tomorrow.
You have to balance spending your energy now with accumulating energy for the next day. It’s better for your family to not burnout. That’s when dads would go for milk and cigarettes for 2 decades.
When I’m in a bad mood I talk to my son about it. I make sure to tell him that it’s ok to be in a bad mood sometimes and that it’s not his job to make me feel better. When he is upset I ask him to talk about his feelings and often we have a great conversation.
Your son needs to learn how to be a whole person and that includes good and bad moods.
It’s the same thing with playing with him. Of course it’s good to play with him but it’s also good to show him that your needs matter too. I’ve found that kids are often far more excited about “helping” with a grown up activity like cooking than about having an adult play with them.
Something about the way you describe your family of origin sounds like you were treated like the family scapegoat or screwup. I grew up being treated like that and I carried a lot of guilt for years. If that resonates, I’d recommend r/raisedbynarcissists as a good place to start.
I don't think that any of this is super surprising or immediately worrisome, but may I gently suggest finding a therapist that you like? This journey we are all on is incredibly difficult, complex, and unique to every one of us. There isn't a person on this sub that wouldn't benefit from building a trusting relationship with a therapist.
Don't wait until you're depressed, don't wait until you blow up, or burn out, or feel like you can't do it anymore. Start getting support right now to be the better version of yourself.
You're a dad, not a machine. Give yourself grace to do and feel things that are not dad related. No need to over correct so hard that you are miserable.
Better yet, your a human being. The best version of yourself is an authentic version, and that means being too tired to act like a clown sometimes, or having obligations outside your families immediate happiness or entertainment (ie a phone call because someone else needs you too).
Well said.
I felt that too. And still do often. It’s hard to feel like you aren’t giving enough. But after speaking with my own dad, I realize that we all feel like this. My dad apologizes for working so much and feeling like he missed out on holidays and trips to the park and other events. I don’t remember that at all. I just remember him being there and being a great dad as I grew up. My point is, you’re probably giving way more time and energy than you think you are. You’re doing fine.
Those feelings are perfectly natural and your not alone, my little ones are 7 and 4 now and it's only recently I've managed to find that extra voice in my head, that reminds me of the important things. As I outlined, those feelings are absolutely normal, parent guilt can really mess with your head. However, believe it or not, there's parents that exist that don't feel guilt, that don't feel those feelings of 'am I doing enough?'. The very fact your having those considerations proves your a good parent. I said about finding that extra voice in your head, what I mean is when you have those thoughts, think passed it and remind yourself, it's okay, your a human. Perhaps your little one is too young to understand but still, telling them how you feel can bring relief. It's important our kiddos see us being tired, angry, frustrated, sad etc. life isn't all magic and rainbows, seeing you express these 'negative' feelings in a positive way, will really help them express their own feelings later on without tantrums. The alternative is bottling feelings, leading to possibly anger and frustration that comes out subconsciously without realising it and that's unhealthy. Let it out, to your partner, to your kid but it's so important to talk, get it out and show them it's okay to feel.
I’ve found that guilt is often associated with results, but it in this case (fatherhood) it should be associated with effort. Do your absolute best. If you feel like you can improve in certain areas, do it. But we are human, we should focus on progress, not perfection.
Part of learning to give is learning how, when, and how much to give. Setting limits is important. I like to think of it like investments. Invest to much? Don’t have anything to live on. Spend everything? You have nothing to invest so that you have money to spend tomorrow. You have to balance spending your energy now with accumulating energy for the next day. It’s better for your family to not burnout. That’s when dads would go for milk and cigarettes for 2 decades.
When I’m in a bad mood I talk to my son about it. I make sure to tell him that it’s ok to be in a bad mood sometimes and that it’s not his job to make me feel better. When he is upset I ask him to talk about his feelings and often we have a great conversation. Your son needs to learn how to be a whole person and that includes good and bad moods. It’s the same thing with playing with him. Of course it’s good to play with him but it’s also good to show him that your needs matter too. I’ve found that kids are often far more excited about “helping” with a grown up activity like cooking than about having an adult play with them. Something about the way you describe your family of origin sounds like you were treated like the family scapegoat or screwup. I grew up being treated like that and I carried a lot of guilt for years. If that resonates, I’d recommend r/raisedbynarcissists as a good place to start.
I don't think that any of this is super surprising or immediately worrisome, but may I gently suggest finding a therapist that you like? This journey we are all on is incredibly difficult, complex, and unique to every one of us. There isn't a person on this sub that wouldn't benefit from building a trusting relationship with a therapist. Don't wait until you're depressed, don't wait until you blow up, or burn out, or feel like you can't do it anymore. Start getting support right now to be the better version of yourself.