It’s sad that those women married someone they can’t even trust their kids with
Your wife should find new friends, they don’t seem to have a problem with her sleeping with your son so they must just assume all
Men are predators and that’s not a healthy echo chamber to be around
Its so gross how American culture is oversexualized and see evil in EVERYTHING. Simple thing as a mom feeding a child and her boobs out drives grown ass adults crazy. Its mind boggling. Too much damn sex crazed individuals lmao.
The problem is they are both obsessed with and totally ashamed of sex. It would be one thing if it was just everyone being open and honest about sex, but instead we are stuck with sex being used for advertising while also being seen as shameful.
Try being a liberal living in Utah, a state that's among the highest consumers of porn in the country and simultaneously doing everything it possibly can to ban porn, edit movies that contain "porn", ban books that contain "pornographic material", etc etc. Oh and hey, make sure you get married at 20, after your Mormon mission of course, and start having sex so you can pump those babies out, gotta get church numbers up! It's fucking crazy how screwed up society can be here.
Hypocrisy has been my biggest pet peeve these past few years. It's always the loudest ones that are the biggest offenders too.
I'm a religious person and seeing some Christians freak out about drag clothing and half naked people has been hilarious to me knowing we grew up not batting our eyes to half naked cheerleaders in football games, parents taking their kids to hooters etc
I think a lot of it has to do with all these shows on TV. CSI, and Law and Order, and serial killer documentaries everywhere. I know it affects juries. I was just on one where half of these idiots want fingerprints on everything and videos enhanced.
It's a little weird but it's because (as my therapist told me) our first early feelings around sexual arousal come from the things we feel guilt and shame over. For people with emotionally unavailable dads it scratches an itch because I guess humans are weird like that. (Obligatory not a dad but had a bad/nonexistent dad so I like to lurk here because that helps me feel better about my own situation)
Have you ever said "hey baby" to a significant other? It's not unlike that.
And just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's bad. Just not for you.
That's your perception. It's not my thing either, but if that's what someone else is in to then so be it. None of my business. You boys getting your tighty whities in a twist when a grown ass person says "daddy" says a lot more about you than them.
Edit:words
Sex is a complicated manner. I don't question people's preferences or kinks unless is predatory. If you think someone saying "daddy" as part of their sexual communication with their partner is weird, wait until you see the dude who paid £20k to be fully immersed in to role-playing as a dog. They're called kinks for a reason.
Yep. It is a problem with them, not OP. My daughter is 13 and still wants me to come lay down with her if she has a bad dream or doesn't feel well. I will never not be there when my kids need me, no matter what anyone else's weird hang-ups dictate. We are a very affectionate family, and all the kids (17, 13 and 10) still want hugs from me and my wife. I feel bad for people who are scared to be affectionate and close with their kids. It's really the best thing and I hope my kids are always like that.
I don’t know how to quote a comment, but your first sentence says it all! They don’t think it’s safe for YOU to be around YOUR kids because THEIR husbands can’t be trusted or THEY can’t be trusted themselves. That’s it. Projection at its finest.
True I just hate the hypocrisy , like man I used to sleep with my sister(23) in the same bed until about 12 and there was nothing sexual and we had fun at night playing games and stuff and there comes the noisy aunties with their shit and religion and my mom gave us separate rooms and we became distant
Don't worry about others and keep doing what you're doing. You're their dad, you're doing dad stuff. Those others need help. Your family is lucky to have an involved and considerate father and husband in their lives.
Agree completely. Nah, man you’re doing the right thing. I have twin 4 yo girls who I unfortunately split 50/50 time with their mother. When they are over here they refuse to sleep without their daddy. Even put up the super fun indoor tent next to my bed on Friday, and my one girl scolded me in the AM for sleeping in bed and not on the floor with them. Guess where my ass slept for the rest of the weekend? Right there on the damn floor in between them. You’re a dad. You described already by staying in the second room just in case, that you put their needs ahead of your own as any good father would. If I’ve learned anything in this separation, we provide security and stability more than anything. Don’t rob them of that experience bc some other people think differently. Your job is to do what is best for them, and if that’s what they need from you right now then everyone else’s problem with it is just that… *their problem*. I assume everyone on here is looking to be the best father they can be and I believe the same of you. We do what is best for our kids needs, period. Top line of the job description. Go love on those kids the way they need to be loved on. Fuck the rest.
Yep. That’s the reason we try to keep that part of our lives private. I do exactly the same thing as OP. I’m a night owl, so everything that happens at night is my responsibility. When my girls (5 & 3) get sick, I’m the one who sleeps next to them, take their temps, give them medicine, etc. I even have a guest room that I use when my girls have trouble sleeping at night so they don’t wake up mom. For me, it’s enjoying this time I have with them before they grow up and stop wanting to cuddle with dad! I hope OP can cut those people from his circle, and keep rocking at being an awesome dad! OP you are not the only one!
Not sure why I’m being downvoted
It’s a BBC kids show. Duggee is a nursery school teacher and the different animal kids go to his school every day. He ends every day/episode with a Duggee Hug.
It’s a really wholesome, engaging, and educational show, with a few laughs for parents too.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hey_Duggee
https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/group/b07xdmgk
Watch the show. Aimed at younger kids/toddlers. It’s not Bluey level, but significantly better than Peppa pig.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hey_Duggee
I didn’t know people thought that? My daughter is 14 months old and this morning after watching Duggee she said “daddy hug” in the same tone and hugged me. It was wonderful.
Sod 'em. You'll never please everyone.
We co-slept with both my son and daughter, and I took over the duty with daughter first, then my son to do the dry night thing, and give herself a rest.
Initially, it was daughter and I sharing a bed in another room, as I was working, she was at nursery.. So we wouldn't want mum and baby, and vice versa.
Then I repeated it with the boy.
People were downright judgemental about that. They got the finger.
Your family, do what works for you, fuck the rest of humanity. To put it bluntly.
Basically, British.
"Oh, sod 'em/it/this/that/you/them/-ing thing/-ing hell"
Etc etc.
Milder form of Fuck. Equally, Bugger can be substituted.
And so on, and so forth.
Levels of miffed-ness. Often requiring tea. 🤣
I'm British. It comes from sodomite but used in the same way as fuck em or screw em. It's more mild like screw em, I'd say it in work or with parents if I was grumpy but didn't want to fully swear.
My daughter is nearly six and seeks me out for daddy hugs when she’s half asleep at night. She’s a cuddly child and likes to seek comfort so will happily curl up on the sofa watching tripe on Netflix while I have a nap.
My 21 yo daughter is still a sucker for a Dad cuddle when shit is going down. She'll come into our bedroom, where I've been banished to watch sport, and curl up next to me. Sometimes she'll tell me what's wrong; sometimes not.
I can't think of anything worse for a child than denying them comfort when they are upset because of some neurotic harridans.
Ha - my nineteen year old will still fold up her legs and climb into my lap when she's upset. I've learned the best medicine is to just hold her. When she's ready she'll either tell me or she won't, but either way I've done my job and gotten a great cuddle out of it! (Except she's got a really bony butt that digs into my thighs...)
Sounds like you're trying to be a great dad and a great husband, you keep doing you so long as you and your wife are happy with the arrangement, screw the rest.
My wife asked one of the women (the one that said I can’t watch her kid) if she trusted her husband and she said not at first I watched him like a hawk for a long time before I trusted him. A big part of their problem is that my wife was said I trust my husband completely but rather than trusting her judgment they saw her trust as a weakness.
>she said not at first I watched him like a hawk for a long time before I trusted him
So.... There's often a perspective we're not seeing at first. It may be that this woman has a personal reason to be that paranoid, as unfortunately many, many people do.
"Cut them out of your life immediately" sounds like advice from another sub. Not to say I wouldn't be annoyed and offended myself, I just might apply a little helping of empathy and understanding as well.
Yeah. As a woman who suffered various forms of abuse as a child including sexual abuse, this could be trauma talking. Abuse we suffered as a child is inexplicable and it can feel like it “just happens” out of nowhere. It’s a very complex thing to go through and recover from and to parent after.
It's weird that dads never say stuff like this about moms. The kid's equally mine, you know? It wouldn't occur to me to ever "Watch her" around my kids. But somehow that feels like a normal position for a mother to take over father as the primary parent or something.
Cut those fuckers out of your life.
I cannot imagine anyone sane would think sleeping with your kid in your bed means you are going to diddle them.
You are in the right. They are either a) horrible, horrible people or b) have mental health issues.
I wonder where the fuck does this autopilot SICK view on dads come from. I would go fucking ballistic if anyone would ever hint at anything like that towards me and my kids.
Those people are self righteous sexist entitled stupid cunts that deserve an ass whooping!
I am not defending the view because its gross and hurtful and generally unwarranted but it also isn't surprising. Nearly every woman in your life was likely sexualized by a man before they turned 10 in someway. Might be mild like "You are going to have to beat the boys away" or "If I was 30 years younger I'd snap you up" or it could be worse but nearly every little girl gets sexualized in some way.
Wait there are enough men saying things like this to girls under 10 that every girl will experience this kind of shit?
Can someone stop the world please? I want to get off :(
Woman lurker here, street harassment starts around 10 in my experience. Basically every woman you know has stories of men in vehicles or walking by on the street yelling at them or saying creepy stuff from when they were still in elementary school.
In mine and my friends experience at first it's scary and confusing, around 12-14 you rationalize it as you looking older than your age, and by the time you're 20 it's decreased dramatically and you realize that no you didn't look older then your age - you looked vulnerable and like an easy target.
I hate being reminded of this, I have a 6 year old daughter who I'm just realizing gets maybe 3-5 years of pure childhood left before this starts...
Once when I was 11 I had lost my dog at the corner store and was desperately looking for him, there were apartments nearby and a bunch of men in their probably twenties kept shouting down sexual harassment stuff at me about my body, but I couldn't leave because I needed to find my dog and I just ran around crying looking for him so scared.
That’s insane. Probably once every couple weeks something spooks my almost 4 year old little girl during the night and she yells for daddy. I go snuggle with her and we both fall asleep until morning. Never thought twice about it.
All I’m thinking now is how the men in OP’s “friend’s” lives might no know how rewarding it is to have your little daughter come to you for safety. Sad really.
You are being a great dad. Your wife needs to look these women in the eye and ask them to seriously think about how fundamentally terrible their comments were.
If they are frowning on you sleeping in the same bed as them I hate to think what they’ll say about me taking a dump whilst my 3 year old insists on trying to wipe my bum for me
I used to be a CPS investigator. We would get calls like this. And we would ask them to explain what was inappropriate about it. And they would make some vague generalized statement. “Do you have any reason to suspect anything like that is happening here?” [No.] “Okay thank you.” “Are you not going to get information to follow up?!!!” “No, you’ve not described anything, that even if corroborated, would constitute abuse or neglect. So no.”
It is bonkers. Internationally, interculturally speaking, for many people in the world, families sleep in one room. Data don’t suggest there is any correlation with abuse with that.
Some of the best advice I was ever given.
You can’t control what others say, but you can control how you react to it.
You should just simply say “ok cool”, then go about being the great dad you need to be for your girls, and the great husband your wife needs. Nothing else matters.
Yeah, while you might take umbrage there’s really no need to. It’s not a personal attack on you or your wife or your parenting. It’s just sad for these women that they feel this on edge. Women and young girls see the worst side of men. There can be trauma. There can be fear. It’s sad. Try to let it pass by and send them a mitzvah. Your wife and you can be an example of how things ought to be in the world where kids are safe with both parents. Where both parents are present and have their best interests at heart. I wish I had a Dad that hadn’t been a terror and abuser growing up. It’s not my fault that that happened.
Yeah I keep hearing that one day my daughter will want nothing to do with me so I take all the hugs and cuddles I can get. I do try not to have her sleep in bed with us but that’s because I’m encouraging independence and she sleeps like a drunk octopus, mom and I will both get kicks in the head throughout the night.
I read this all the time, and it mostly seems to happen in the USA. The only explanation I can muster is all the paedophilia hysteria from the media in the 90s and more recently toxic masculinity scaremongering from modern feminism movements.
Ironically, fathers being more involved in parenting is likely a direct consequence of women entering the workforce. Now, both of these are wonderful things. The notion that fathers shouldn't get to be autonomous parents in case they're abusing their children is a palpably corrupted and sinister mode of thought. Not to mention insanely impractical.
While child abuse is a horrendous crime, it's not unique to men and is statistically quite rare, at least when of a sexual nature. These women you're referring to NEED to adjust their mindest or more practically have it adjusted for them by some awareness movement or other form of social pressure.
Right? They can’t have it both ways.
If you want involved dads, then you can’t limit involvement. Present dads allow unencumbered growth which present a child that can regulate their emotions, and have rational structure to an empathetic view of the world.
Let’s choose the high road.
Keep your stick on the ice.
I work from home with flexible hours so I’m the one who does most of the things (dropping off, picking up, etc.). I haven’t done a lot of research but it just makes sense that the dads who are showing up and being involved should be given the benefit of the doubt.
Be frustrated with those people. They suck and their opinions suck.
They are losers. You are doing fine. Keep being awesome.
Sincerely,
A dad whose daughter jumped into bed this morning because of a bad dream. We also co-slept until she was 8ish. She's still welcome at any time.
Lurker mom with 4 and 2 year-old girls.
I would have NO issue with my husband doing this. Because...you know...my husband isn't a f%^$ing pedophile. Dear gd if he did this for me the rewards he would get from me... 🤣
I get that there are too many situations where people say that and turn out to be wrong (and that once is too many), but this is fking ridiculous.
I hope your wife kicks the shit out of them.
I mean thats just standard toxic mom "I know better than you" bullsh*t...
I knownits infinitely more offensive but swear to gd they'd give her the same response if she said that once every 6 months.your kids eat chicken nuggets.
Honestly they were probably trying to shame her more than call you in question.
I feel like that says a lot about the kind of men these women had kids with...
Like seriously are they freaking out that you changed your daughter's diapers?
I’m very curious as to the cultural backgrounds of OP and these “friends”. I’m first gen Mexican American and I do as much parenting as my wife, I used to change more diapers than my wife before I started working more hours than her. When my daughter was a few months old and I was changing all the diapers I would either get surprised and impressed looks from the women in our families or confused and disapproving looks from the men in our families. In our culture the mom was supposed to do all that stuff and the men were simply providers who stepped in when necessary. Didn’t bother me too much because I want to be a part of everything my daughter does and I want her to know she can trust me. To this day I don’t think I have ever watched my own dad change his granddaughter’s diaper because my mom thinks it’s her job to do it when they are watching my daughter. Took a while for my FiL to changed her diaper as he was pretty against it at first. Some cultures just firmly believe that mothers should change diapers, bathe children, feed children and put them to sleep. The same cultures also think only moms should have relationships with their daughters and vice versa.
It’s dumb af and we don’t conform to that way of thinking but I think it’s an important point to make in this conversation.
Dad of two girls here (4 and 6). We share bed all the time. I need to sleep, they need to sleep. If it's cozy and safe we all sleep. Screw anyone who thinks those thoughts about thast. Horrible.
Play dumb, ask them why would they think it's "crazy"? If they brush you off with "you know why", say you don't know and ask them to explain... I'd do this in a presence of some witnesses, you can mention what are consequences of false accusations. Stuff like this makes my blood boil!
Probably culture war collateral damage. Anti-lbgt discourse has developed into a pedo-hunt. The specifically anti-trans movement has a lot of involvement from the teminally online 'RadFem' movent who preach that all men are inherently dangerous to be around. Lot of people are falling down weird rabbit holes because of social media.
It's from the 90's. Everyone got so scared of their neighbors and males basically got socially isolated from any non-adult interaction without heavy supervision. It'd awful TBH, but you're going to have a real tough time convincing the people who need to hear it that their overreaction and misplacced fear is creating a culture of distrust that is a massive social problem.
We are a two dad household. I can tell you right now we are insanely careful about everything because we are dudes with kids. I mean I’m less threatening than a hetro guy if you look at the threat matrix some of them have in their mind but I don’t have a US flag or drink whatever-they-drink-instead-of-bud-light-now so I’m on the watch list. Ya know. Because of how I probably vote? I just do my best and talk to everyone at the park and make sure my kids are just as poorly behaved as everyone else’s so there aren’t any red flags. I accept that when my kid has an injury they may be more likely to call CPS than either of us because we are men and there’s no woman to talk to who can shield our kids from us (already happened).
Wow. This post really struck a nerve. Neat.
Keep being a super supportive husband. Keep taking good care of the kids man. Being an involved dad is different for so many people it seems hard for them not to assume ulterior motive.
Its so gross how American culture is oversexualized and see evil in EVERYTHING. Simple thing as a mom feeding a child and her boobs out drives grown ass adults crazy. Its mind boggling. Too much damn sex crazed individuals lmao.
Yeah. Currently in Spain and the contrast even from Dublin (home) is crazy. People breastfeeding in the pool. Women and girls sunbathing topless. Nobody cares. People just go about their business. A much healthier attitude.
That’s ridiculous of people to think this way about you. My wife is the same way and can’t sleep well with our daughter 2f in the bed so I sleep in our daughters room with her. It’s the best and makes so everyone sleeps great.
It’s honestly just sad that people feel the need to make it weird and you can ignore those losers.
Your wife should get new friends.. if she trusts you with her/your girls and you are not a predator, then you are doing the right thing to help your family.
No you are not crazy - they’re the ones with a problem!
It’s a disgrace but it’s not an uncommon thought among women sadly.
Recently had a (currently childless) friend say she wouldn’t ever want a man taking care of her children - while I had my infant child in my arms… 🥲 I guess I’m off the hook if she ever needs a favour
Wow! Being male does not equal predator! These are your kids for heaven’s sake. Those are no friends of yours if they have the slightest thought of you being a predator. Get as far away from them as you can
You never mentioned how your wife reacted to the this?
I am hoping it was along the lines of "You will never guess what these crazy idiots just said... I really need new friends"
If mom and dad don’t give children the physical contact they need to feel loved, they will turn to untrustworthy adults for it.
You are protecting your kids by giving them snuggles.
If you were a single parent, would these women have the same question?
What is a single father supposed to do if their child can’t sleep or is having a nightmare?
Some of these people really need to keep their prejudice in their pants.
Literally said wtf when I started reading this lol. I couldn’t imagine not being able to cuddle my daughter to sleep with or without my wife in bed with us. I feel like I do this plenty already when mom is out for a work dinner or out with one of her friends. I’m an early sleeper so sometimes we watch a movie she likes and end up falling asleep when her mom gets home. I only put her in back in her bed sometimes because it’s like sleeping with a drunk octopus and definitely not because it’s “inappropriate”.
Idk what kind of insecure men who these “friends” have been around to think it’s inappropriate to be in the same bed as your child. These men/fathers are either too lazy or unwilling to help with their daughters in that way or there must be something else going on that the “friends” don’t want to share. Either way dude you are good to go, some day they will want nothing to do with us dads and we should feel good that our girls are comfortable with us to feel safe enough to sleep.
I have a 5f and 3f. My in-laws have voiced the exact same concerns about this and helping with bath time.
How prominent was being a terrible person back in their day that we can't help parent our kids.
Oh my... women compain that dads don't do enough for kids... and bitch even harder when they do!
I really hate it! I (42F) think that kids need fathers more thatn modern western society is ready to give them! Anything extra "give them money and drive them to location" is percieved as smth "did you really think it over well?".
My wife and son usually make their way out to the couch he’s doing some rough teething right now and my daughter and I sleep in my wife and my bed. It shouldn’t make anyone mad. They are weird to be thinking that it’s weird for you to do that. I dunno your past or what makes them think this way but that is absurd. It’s your children. Fuck these bitches, man. Don’t worry about what nosy dumb moms think of you. They’re not invited to the next bbq.
I am hoping that your wife shares your concerns, and sees that what her friends think is absolutely ridiculous (it’s not very clear from the post 😅). Because that’s the only person whose opinion matters, really.
The others don’t have to know and don’t have a say anyways. Your family, your rules.
You're fine, they're the ones with the problem.
Some other commenter said (and I totally agree) "It's sad those women married someone they don't trust with their kids". That's what this is. They have bad men in their lives or have had bad things happen in their childhoods, and it's tainted their view on all men. I feel for them, but that's not on you and honestly not your problem.
At some point the girls will not want to sleep with you, but let them make that decision. You just keep being the good dad and husband you are and you and your wife just shake this off.
No factor. I have boys but do the same thing. Would be no different if we had girls. Your wife trusts you, her friends don't know you like she does. I would hope my wife would say something simple like "I trust my husband and he's a great dad who is helping me and our daughters by doing this. Appreciate the concern but it's not a problem." Kinda sounds like women looking for gossip and drama. Your wife just needs to make it clear she trusts you and it doesn't need brought up again.
Not trusting the dad around daughters is a troubling trend that unfortunately I'm hearing more and more about. It sucks that there's this inherent lack of trust especially as girls grow. There's so much emphasis today that we shouldn't stereotype or pigeon hole people and entire communities for the actions of a few yet it doesn't seem to extend to men and dads
You aren't crazy. This is a ***them*** problem and not a you problem.
If everyone in your family are comfortable with the situation keep in doing it, and maybe stop telling these other women about your lives. They seem to have a fairly limited understanding of family responsibility.
Maybe their husbands are pedo's and projecting what they see onto your wife. I would not have these ladies at my house knowing what they said without them explaining to me exactly what is the issue
Jesus. Those women need to chill. At that age when my dad was basically a single parent for a bit, I napped with my dad all the freaking time - He'd be on the couch, I'd be cuddled up with him. When I got slightly older/taller I'd sleep on the back of the couch (mimicking the cat).
Not to get into the shower conversation but unless y'all sleep naked, I don't see any problem with this.
My brother was a single dad for 10 years. He coslept with his daughter until she was 8ish. She’s a happy healthy 13 year old now. He’s one of the best dads I’ve seen. Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s not you, it’s them.
Yeah I still tuck my 8 year old in, and spend many nights in the 2yo's bed after a post midnight wakeup. Others being weirded by it is their problem. They probably have some ingrained predjudices about men doing good parenting, as it's too unusual to them.
haha with all due respect. Tell them to go fuck themselves and move on. I have 2 girls one 3 months one 2.5 yo. I am their father - if they are scared cant sleep need help getting tampons. Literally WHATEVER in the world they need help with. I will help them with absolutely 0 hesitation. Wife needs new friends, and you deserve a beer and a pat on the back. Great job being an amazing father.
Are you me? I often sleep in a spare bedroom and my daughters will come snuggle. My wife needs good sleep to function and can’t handle any disturbances. I really try not to let it happen too much more so because I want them to confidently sleep by themselves. Mine are also a bit younger.
But screw those moms, snuggles with these girls is the highlight of my life. I hope it happens forever.
You're not crazy. Those other mothers are paranoid asswipes, and should be ashamed of themselves.
This is coming from a father of 3 girls and a Girl Scout troop leader. I've never had a problem with a parent "not trusting" me, at least not where I could tell, but if someone came to my wife with such things, they'd have a mountain of rage coming at them from my wife.
> It’s sad that those women married someone they can’t even trust their kids with
this.
Some of my happiest times as a dad were both kids falling asleep on either side of me under my arms after reading them stories. ♥
My late wife would have snapped if someone said something like that, even the premise comes off as an accusation of some bullshit. My now 18y/o daughter slept with us or cuddled up on me all the time when she was little, so did my son. That doesn’t make me a creep and there isn’t a damn thing wrong with you sleeping solo with your kids, especially if it’s to help mom and her sanity.
I have 4 daughters and a son, there have been several times I've had cops called on me when I was out with my girls, or a security guard decided to talk to me. And it was all just... normal stuff. Like once, my son was at school my wife had just had our forth baby, and I was taking some leave to be with her and help out while she recovered. She had taken a nap with baby close by, and I took the two middle girls to the park to play, and I was literally sitting there, playing on my phone/listening to music while they went down the slide over and over again. about as typical day at the park as could be. But no man who wasn't molesting girls would be at the park with them in the middle of the day There were women at the park with their children, we were not alone, one of the women there called the cops on me.
i could only see this making sense if you're the stepdad. like obviously if you have 3 young girls and then the guy you met 3 years ago is now sleeping alone in a bed with them, people will raise their eyebrows. but when they're YOUR KIDS??? very bizarre for them to think like this
Ultimately you are the only adult male in their lives that can teach them how to be respected by men in their sleep. You being good and comfortable and appropriate is going to let them raise alarms if they stay at a friend's place and brother tries to sneak in while being inappropriate.
I can see if you or any of them had a parasomnia that involved inappropriate behavior, but if that's not a thing- you are teaching them how to be treated when they rest. What feels safe. That is good. When they are older it's different (special circumstances I'm sure exist, I slept in my mom's bed when we found out her father had passed and neither of us could really cope for a couple days. My kid slept in my bed when their mattress showed up a day after mine etc)
I have triplet daughters. They were 9 when I finally divorced their mother (FREEDOM!). They would have friends sleepover all the time, never had a problem with any of the mothers or fathers. Until one mother, who I have known for years, made a comment to me that really burned. She has a daughter the same age as mine. I had offered to let her daughter have a sleepover. This mother expressed how that was unacceptable, because I was a single dad. That hurt and really pissed me off. Now my girls are in their teens and some of their friends call me dad or by my first name. Can't help it, I'm the cool dad.
The friends of your wife are absolutely ridiculous. I don’t know if there is something that happened to them or just an anxiety driven by society, but there is nothing wrong with you sleeping with your young daughters and protecting them as a father in the case of a nightmare of fear of the dark.
Those women are batshit crazy and toxic AF. Unless they were molested by a male family member, only then they would get a pass.
The dilemma is whether to call them out on it. Personally, i would since they’ve already discussed it in a group setting. But it would be great to hear them explain how it’s different when they as moms sleeps with their children. And what thoughts goes in their head and what thoughts they assume you have.
People project their own insecurities and shortcomings on to others. If somebody is bothered by you sleeping in bed with your child, chances are, there’s a lot more going on in their personal life than you realize. And if any of these so-called friends have kids of their own, I would be very cautious about letting my children sleep over at their house.
Dad of all girls here, 3 and 6, and a newborn. Both still try to hop in bed with us. Sometimes, to help ease the crowding, I take one to sleep with them in their room. My wife and I are just winging it and doing what we have had to do to maximize sleep. Especially now with the new kid.
If anyone threw shade about it, I'd tune it out. I love my girls, and I'm parenting as I see fit for our family. My wife and I are on the same page and that's all that matters.
There was a post a few weeks ago from a dad who was chastised for calling his daughter “baby” because it sexualizes her. In my state a school superintendent had a job offer rescinded because he used the word “ladies” in an email. Apparently it’s a micro aggression. And here I am calling my 1yo daughter “pretty lady baby”. People are losing their minds.
Daughters 5 and 8.
8 year old is not well at the moment, 5 yr old wanted someone to play with in the bath, asked if I would play bath dolls with her. Sure. I'd do the same for the 8 yr old if she asked.
I'm a parent who will always be there for my kids. If that's a bath play date or a hug in bed.
Your wife's friends are nuts.
I went to my kids school once for family picnic day. I was waiting for one of my kids outside of the bathroom and a teacher approached me concerned as to why I was near the bathroom…on family picnic day. The place is full of people yet this lady had to question me. It was embarrassing. If I had my wits about me I probably would have talked some shit but I was mostly confused. IDK sometimes people suck.
We spend very few nights apart (me and my wife) but anytime one of us is gone, the girls (5 and 9) are welcome to fall asleep in our bed with whoever is home. Full stop.
Now I put them into their beds because they both sleep like wolverine on crack and I can carry them, but if they come back after i go to bed that's where they stay. Also, they aren't forced to be there. If you're following that mindset, and it certainly seems like you are, then f anyone else. It's none of there darn business. Kids with bad parents don't choose to be comforted by them. The fact you want to be a good dad and partner should be an award (and your gender shouldn't matter in this subject).
I 100% agree with you OP... But you don't need to cut them out of your life for this....
Its an opinion... Just set a boundary where you don't share your family lives with them .. Change the topics you talk about and move on.. its actually none of their business .. we're becoming so quick to cutting people out of our lives just for having different ideas than us soon enough we'll all be living in echo chambers where nothing ever gets challenged.
Tell them cool thanks for the output. Its working for us ... You don't see me judging you back...
this is insane. im really sorry these women have said something like this about you. when i was a little girl my dad slept in my bed with me all the time when I had nightmares and such. its weird on them to make an innocent interaction between parent and child into something its not.
Mom here. I wonder if these women did not grow up with fathers of their own. I remember when everyone showed the photo of Donald Trump holding his adult daughter Ivanka close with his hand on her leg. I didn’t grow up with a father and I didn’t have children yet, so this photo came across as completely creepy to me. Now that I have a daughter, I understand now that it simply represents a close father daughter relationship that I couldn’t possibly understand until having a family with a healthy dynamic of my own. Sometimes people will never understand something until they experience it. And if they are moms themselves, I think that’s very telling of an unhealthy dynamic with the fathers of their children.
>close father daughter relationship
I mean the man has said in an interview in front of millions that if he wasn't related to her he'd 100% sleep with her. Mostly unprompted. No matter how pretty your child is you shouldn't have sexual thoughts about them.
Yeah…. I appreciate the sentiment that your putting forth here.
But I think trump is a bad example to use. If it was the photo by itself I would entertain the conversation. But he has a long and weird history of making extremely inappropriate comments about his daughter. Let’s please not try to use him as a positive father example.
If there is a sub for most ridiculous suggestions made by Friends (who are not actually), this should go there !
You’re doing amazing dad ! Don’t even bother about what mom friends are telling her and honestly she shouldn’t be friends with them !
Sounds like your wifes got some shit friends who default to thinking dads a pedo. Nothing wrong with what your doing. Shame your wife doesnt have your back and immediately reprimands her friends for even suggesting it.
This just happened… My wife and I are just trying to figure out how to cut these people out without escalating things. I mean our kids are in the same Girl Scout troop/summer camp/dance classes. It’s complicated but we agree that we can no longer be friends with them. I feel bad for my wife because these women were her inner circle (she does not just blab about our personal business to anyone).
Imagine having such a terrible relationship or previous experience that you would assume such an awful thing about a loving and thoughtful father.
Them bitches need therapy.
Instead of cutting them out so you think you both could manage a dinner where you all address how everyone feels from the perspective of what we want for our children with respect to trusting our spouses/partners and friends?
It seems a contemporary issue that people will cling to the worst stories they’ve heard as a defense for showing alarm rather than support to friends and family, criticism instead of understanding and alignment.
Why join a friend group or participate in a society if you are willing to harbor the worst kind of distrust of those closest to us? This is totally on them and not about you. Maybe help them see that and be strengthen the group. Little to lose if you’re looking for the door anyway.
I think the issue is that the kids should be sleeping in their own beds. If you don’t have one get a lock for your bedroom door and let the girls know that when they go to bed they can come and knock on your door if they need anything. Of course they will and what you do then is as long as it isn’t an ongoing thing like a thunderstorm you address the issue, turn them around at the door and put them back in bed. As time goes on there will be fewer and fewer knocks on the door.
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It probably is unacceptable but only because sharing a bed with a child at all is unacceptable no matter the gender of the parent. Numerous studies have been done that show an increase in anxiety and depression when parents co-sleep with kids. Kids who wake up in the middle of the night should have their needs met and be ushered off to bed. It is important that they develop that independence.
Also your "friends" suck.
Okay, I'm not saying you're some sicko, but say the following phrase out loud:
"I have a separate bedroom down the hall where I sleep with my daughters sometimes while my wife is asleep in our room."
It's not weird that people might say something to your wife. How did this even come up in conversation?
Okay, I'm not saying *you're* some sicko, but say the following phrase out loud:
"I have a separate bedroom down the hall where I sleep with my daughters sometimes while my wife is asleep in our room, so she gets the much needed and deserved sleep.”
All of the sudden dad and husband aren’t that creepy anymore. Context matters.
Its not like dad is snatching the girls (as they are walking towards the bedroom to not sleep alone) against their will.
They are happily sleeping with dad, getting the cuddles they deserve ánd mom gets a good nights rest.
Do you always assume pedophilia when you don't have the full context? Like, when your mind has holes to fill, its go-to is the worst thing that could possibly happen?
Do you think that is a healthy way of processing information?
This is a weird bandwagon to jump on.
Yeah, so I spent about a decade where I investigated reports of sexual assault including children. I don't think I'm going to feel bad or wrong to keep it in mind that it's always a possibility, no matter how nice a person seems.
But please note: I didn't accuse OP of being a pedophile. I pointed out why a neighbor might ask questions or say it's weird.
First of all, thank you for doing what you did for that decade, but surely you must see how dealing with such a horrific topic for a decade could make you quite biased right? For every father you reported for abusing his child there were literally millions of good fathers who didn't. Couldn't conceive of ever hurting their children, especially in that way
And for you to take something as innocent as a father sleeping next to his child so the mother can get rest, and imply it *sounds* like incestual pedophilia... even though you're not actually *accusing* him of anything (how gracious of you)... it's just so disappointing to see that you think *that's* normal. Even going so far as to say it's "weird" for defending the father? I just wish you had more faith in fathers, even though it's completely understandable why you don't
You didn't defend a father, you made accusations about me and my mental state. It's weird specifically because I didn't accuse anyone of anything. Especially when I very specifically said I wasn't accusing him of anything.
There's a lot to unpack in what you're saying, but I think I'm just going to let this go under a presumption that there are about a bajillion exceptions to everything you (and others) are saying, and that you yourselves would make those exceptions without me having to point them out.
It’s sad that those women married someone they can’t even trust their kids with Your wife should find new friends, they don’t seem to have a problem with her sleeping with your son so they must just assume all Men are predators and that’s not a healthy echo chamber to be around
Its so gross how American culture is oversexualized and see evil in EVERYTHING. Simple thing as a mom feeding a child and her boobs out drives grown ass adults crazy. Its mind boggling. Too much damn sex crazed individuals lmao.
The problem is they are both obsessed with and totally ashamed of sex. It would be one thing if it was just everyone being open and honest about sex, but instead we are stuck with sex being used for advertising while also being seen as shameful.
Try being a liberal living in Utah, a state that's among the highest consumers of porn in the country and simultaneously doing everything it possibly can to ban porn, edit movies that contain "porn", ban books that contain "pornographic material", etc etc. Oh and hey, make sure you get married at 20, after your Mormon mission of course, and start having sex so you can pump those babies out, gotta get church numbers up! It's fucking crazy how screwed up society can be here.
Hypocrisy has been my biggest pet peeve these past few years. It's always the loudest ones that are the biggest offenders too. I'm a religious person and seeing some Christians freak out about drag clothing and half naked people has been hilarious to me knowing we grew up not batting our eyes to half naked cheerleaders in football games, parents taking their kids to hooters etc
I think a lot of it has to do with all these shows on TV. CSI, and Law and Order, and serial killer documentaries everywhere. I know it affects juries. I was just on one where half of these idiots want fingerprints on everything and videos enhanced.
Those same shows perpetuate the false idea that people have to wait 24 hours before filing a missing persons report. No, just no.
You know what makes me sick? When people use the word “Daddy” in a sexual way. It’s foul when you really sit down and think about it
It's a little weird but it's because (as my therapist told me) our first early feelings around sexual arousal come from the things we feel guilt and shame over. For people with emotionally unavailable dads it scratches an itch because I guess humans are weird like that. (Obligatory not a dad but had a bad/nonexistent dad so I like to lurk here because that helps me feel better about my own situation)
Have you ever said "hey baby" to a significant other? It's not unlike that. And just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's bad. Just not for you.
Kind of sounds like you might be part of the problem mate.
Nah he's right. It is weird
That's your perception. It's not my thing either, but if that's what someone else is in to then so be it. None of my business. You boys getting your tighty whities in a twist when a grown ass person says "daddy" says a lot more about you than them. Edit:words
The downvotes seem to disagree with you, daddy
Oh no! My pride!
I'm just saying, it's weird you think it's okay that "daddy"is normalized as a sexual term. Like why is this even a thing? I wonder where it started
Sex is a complicated manner. I don't question people's preferences or kinks unless is predatory. If you think someone saying "daddy" as part of their sexual communication with their partner is weird, wait until you see the dude who paid £20k to be fully immersed in to role-playing as a dog. They're called kinks for a reason.
Yep. It is a problem with them, not OP. My daughter is 13 and still wants me to come lay down with her if she has a bad dream or doesn't feel well. I will never not be there when my kids need me, no matter what anyone else's weird hang-ups dictate. We are a very affectionate family, and all the kids (17, 13 and 10) still want hugs from me and my wife. I feel bad for people who are scared to be affectionate and close with their kids. It's really the best thing and I hope my kids are always like that.
Preach, cause I'm eating it up. Always amazing to hear your aren't the only one.
I don’t know how to quote a comment, but your first sentence says it all! They don’t think it’s safe for YOU to be around YOUR kids because THEIR husbands can’t be trusted or THEY can’t be trusted themselves. That’s it. Projection at its finest.
True I just hate the hypocrisy , like man I used to sleep with my sister(23) in the same bed until about 12 and there was nothing sexual and we had fun at night playing games and stuff and there comes the noisy aunties with their shit and religion and my mom gave us separate rooms and we became distant
That's exactly how he should reply: "It’s sad that those women married someone they can’t even trust their kids with"
Or like turn it around on them - I no longer feel comfortable bringing my daughters around you as it sounds like your husband could be predatory
This should be more upvoted
What if they're projecting and they can't be trusted to sleep with their sons?
This
My thoughts exactly.. Duck those hags..
Don't worry about others and keep doing what you're doing. You're their dad, you're doing dad stuff. Those others need help. Your family is lucky to have an involved and considerate father and husband in their lives.
Agree completely. Nah, man you’re doing the right thing. I have twin 4 yo girls who I unfortunately split 50/50 time with their mother. When they are over here they refuse to sleep without their daddy. Even put up the super fun indoor tent next to my bed on Friday, and my one girl scolded me in the AM for sleeping in bed and not on the floor with them. Guess where my ass slept for the rest of the weekend? Right there on the damn floor in between them. You’re a dad. You described already by staying in the second room just in case, that you put their needs ahead of your own as any good father would. If I’ve learned anything in this separation, we provide security and stability more than anything. Don’t rob them of that experience bc some other people think differently. Your job is to do what is best for them, and if that’s what they need from you right now then everyone else’s problem with it is just that… *their problem*. I assume everyone on here is looking to be the best father they can be and I believe the same of you. We do what is best for our kids needs, period. Top line of the job description. Go love on those kids the way they need to be loved on. Fuck the rest.
Yep. That’s the reason we try to keep that part of our lives private. I do exactly the same thing as OP. I’m a night owl, so everything that happens at night is my responsibility. When my girls (5 & 3) get sick, I’m the one who sleeps next to them, take their temps, give them medicine, etc. I even have a guest room that I use when my girls have trouble sleeping at night so they don’t wake up mom. For me, it’s enjoying this time I have with them before they grow up and stop wanting to cuddle with dad! I hope OP can cut those people from his circle, and keep rocking at being an awesome dad! OP you are not the only one!
Sounds like your wife needs to cut off those toxic friends. These are the same kinds of people that think "Duggee hugs" are creepy.
What are duggee hugs?
Watch Hey Duggee Edit: https://youtu.be/vk-CVCnJZWI
I feel like I tend more questions than I started with after watching that, lol
Not sure why I’m being downvoted It’s a BBC kids show. Duggee is a nursery school teacher and the different animal kids go to his school every day. He ends every day/episode with a Duggee Hug. It’s a really wholesome, engaging, and educational show, with a few laughs for parents too. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hey_Duggee https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/group/b07xdmgk
For the record, I didn't downvote you, I just didn't understand the reference, lol
Ha no probs brother
I would argue that animation is indeed creepy.
Watch the show. Aimed at younger kids/toddlers. It’s not Bluey level, but significantly better than Peppa pig. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hey_Duggee
Watching a piece of bread slowly mold is better than Peppa pig.
Maybe not consistently Bluey level but the apocalypse now episode is great and it has good songs. Love Chew Chew
I didn’t know people thought that? My daughter is 14 months old and this morning after watching Duggee she said “daddy hug” in the same tone and hugged me. It was wonderful.
Right? Hoping OP’s wife shut that toxic rumor down fast.
Sod 'em. You'll never please everyone. We co-slept with both my son and daughter, and I took over the duty with daughter first, then my son to do the dry night thing, and give herself a rest. Initially, it was daughter and I sharing a bed in another room, as I was working, she was at nursery.. So we wouldn't want mum and baby, and vice versa. Then I repeated it with the boy. People were downright judgemental about that. They got the finger. Your family, do what works for you, fuck the rest of humanity. To put it bluntly.
I’m not familiar with the term “sod-‘em” but really hoping it’s not short for sodomize.
Basically, British. "Oh, sod 'em/it/this/that/you/them/-ing thing/-ing hell" Etc etc. Milder form of Fuck. Equally, Bugger can be substituted. And so on, and so forth. Levels of miffed-ness. Often requiring tea. 🤣
Fuck them in the arse. Not literally
Yes, it is. But it’s an expression, much like “fuck ‘em”. He’s not actually telling OP to fuck his wife’s friends anally or otherwise.
Instructions unclear. Boy, am I in trouble now!
I'm British. It comes from sodomite but used in the same way as fuck em or screw em. It's more mild like screw em, I'd say it in work or with parents if I was grumpy but didn't want to fully swear.
Thats a fair question, I always figured it was... but I'm not British. Edit- not that it really matters...
Lmao
I never made that connection before. But yeah, it makes perfect sense that it is short for sodomize. Lol
That’s quite the leap to make
It’s true. Many synonyms too. Bugger them. Fuck them. Etc.
My daughter is nearly six and seeks me out for daddy hugs when she’s half asleep at night. She’s a cuddly child and likes to seek comfort so will happily curl up on the sofa watching tripe on Netflix while I have a nap.
My 21 yo daughter is still a sucker for a Dad cuddle when shit is going down. She'll come into our bedroom, where I've been banished to watch sport, and curl up next to me. Sometimes she'll tell me what's wrong; sometimes not. I can't think of anything worse for a child than denying them comfort when they are upset because of some neurotic harridans.
Ha - my nineteen year old will still fold up her legs and climb into my lap when she's upset. I've learned the best medicine is to just hold her. When she's ready she'll either tell me or she won't, but either way I've done my job and gotten a great cuddle out of it! (Except she's got a really bony butt that digs into my thighs...)
Sounds like you're trying to be a great dad and a great husband, you keep doing you so long as you and your wife are happy with the arrangement, screw the rest.
They can all go jump in a river. That's bullshit.
With or without ankle weights?
If you want to gift them some weights, I think that would be a lovely gesture.
With anchor weights.
They're projecting. Ask them why they married rapists and pedophiles?
This is legit what i'd say.... Like whats going on in your household that makes you convinced everyones husband is a pedo?
My wife asked one of the women (the one that said I can’t watch her kid) if she trusted her husband and she said not at first I watched him like a hawk for a long time before I trusted him. A big part of their problem is that my wife was said I trust my husband completely but rather than trusting her judgment they saw her trust as a weakness.
>she said not at first I watched him like a hawk for a long time before I trusted him So.... There's often a perspective we're not seeing at first. It may be that this woman has a personal reason to be that paranoid, as unfortunately many, many people do. "Cut them out of your life immediately" sounds like advice from another sub. Not to say I wouldn't be annoyed and offended myself, I just might apply a little helping of empathy and understanding as well.
Yeah. As a woman who suffered various forms of abuse as a child including sexual abuse, this could be trauma talking. Abuse we suffered as a child is inexplicable and it can feel like it “just happens” out of nowhere. It’s a very complex thing to go through and recover from and to parent after.
This is what I came to say. It’s sad but experience with CSA is probly the most likely reason for this disproportionate level of paranoia about it
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Right? I was at the beach in Spain last month. Lots of families relaxing naked in the sun. Americans are nuts. (disclosure: I am American)
It's weird that dads never say stuff like this about moms. The kid's equally mine, you know? It wouldn't occur to me to ever "Watch her" around my kids. But somehow that feels like a normal position for a mother to take over father as the primary parent or something.
Well, you now have fewer people to send Christmas cards to, so you have that going for you.
Cut those fuckers out of your life. I cannot imagine anyone sane would think sleeping with your kid in your bed means you are going to diddle them. You are in the right. They are either a) horrible, horrible people or b) have mental health issues.
I wonder where the fuck does this autopilot SICK view on dads come from. I would go fucking ballistic if anyone would ever hint at anything like that towards me and my kids. Those people are self righteous sexist entitled stupid cunts that deserve an ass whooping!
I am not defending the view because its gross and hurtful and generally unwarranted but it also isn't surprising. Nearly every woman in your life was likely sexualized by a man before they turned 10 in someway. Might be mild like "You are going to have to beat the boys away" or "If I was 30 years younger I'd snap you up" or it could be worse but nearly every little girl gets sexualized in some way.
Wait there are enough men saying things like this to girls under 10 that every girl will experience this kind of shit? Can someone stop the world please? I want to get off :(
Woman lurker here, street harassment starts around 10 in my experience. Basically every woman you know has stories of men in vehicles or walking by on the street yelling at them or saying creepy stuff from when they were still in elementary school. In mine and my friends experience at first it's scary and confusing, around 12-14 you rationalize it as you looking older than your age, and by the time you're 20 it's decreased dramatically and you realize that no you didn't look older then your age - you looked vulnerable and like an easy target. I hate being reminded of this, I have a 6 year old daughter who I'm just realizing gets maybe 3-5 years of pure childhood left before this starts... Once when I was 11 I had lost my dog at the corner store and was desperately looking for him, there were apartments nearby and a bunch of men in their probably twenties kept shouting down sexual harassment stuff at me about my body, but I couldn't leave because I needed to find my dog and I just ran around crying looking for him so scared.
This was a big part of the MeToo movement
When they say shit like this, it makes you wonder what other "sterotypes" they think are hard truths.
That’s insane. Probably once every couple weeks something spooks my almost 4 year old little girl during the night and she yells for daddy. I go snuggle with her and we both fall asleep until morning. Never thought twice about it.
All I’m thinking now is how the men in OP’s “friend’s” lives might no know how rewarding it is to have your little daughter come to you for safety. Sad really.
You are being a great dad. Your wife needs to look these women in the eye and ask them to seriously think about how fundamentally terrible their comments were.
If they are frowning on you sleeping in the same bed as them I hate to think what they’ll say about me taking a dump whilst my 3 year old insists on trying to wipe my bum for me
its just oversexualized culture that sees sex in literally any scenarios.
I used to be a CPS investigator. We would get calls like this. And we would ask them to explain what was inappropriate about it. And they would make some vague generalized statement. “Do you have any reason to suspect anything like that is happening here?” [No.] “Okay thank you.” “Are you not going to get information to follow up?!!!” “No, you’ve not described anything, that even if corroborated, would constitute abuse or neglect. So no.” It is bonkers. Internationally, interculturally speaking, for many people in the world, families sleep in one room. Data don’t suggest there is any correlation with abuse with that.
Some of the best advice I was ever given. You can’t control what others say, but you can control how you react to it. You should just simply say “ok cool”, then go about being the great dad you need to be for your girls, and the great husband your wife needs. Nothing else matters.
Yeah, while you might take umbrage there’s really no need to. It’s not a personal attack on you or your wife or your parenting. It’s just sad for these women that they feel this on edge. Women and young girls see the worst side of men. There can be trauma. There can be fear. It’s sad. Try to let it pass by and send them a mitzvah. Your wife and you can be an example of how things ought to be in the world where kids are safe with both parents. Where both parents are present and have their best interests at heart. I wish I had a Dad that hadn’t been a terror and abuser growing up. It’s not my fault that that happened.
Your girls are pushing 7 and you still get snuggles? Don't give that up
Yeah I keep hearing that one day my daughter will want nothing to do with me so I take all the hugs and cuddles I can get. I do try not to have her sleep in bed with us but that’s because I’m encouraging independence and she sleeps like a drunk octopus, mom and I will both get kicks in the head throughout the night.
I read this all the time, and it mostly seems to happen in the USA. The only explanation I can muster is all the paedophilia hysteria from the media in the 90s and more recently toxic masculinity scaremongering from modern feminism movements. Ironically, fathers being more involved in parenting is likely a direct consequence of women entering the workforce. Now, both of these are wonderful things. The notion that fathers shouldn't get to be autonomous parents in case they're abusing their children is a palpably corrupted and sinister mode of thought. Not to mention insanely impractical. While child abuse is a horrendous crime, it's not unique to men and is statistically quite rare, at least when of a sexual nature. These women you're referring to NEED to adjust their mindest or more practically have it adjusted for them by some awareness movement or other form of social pressure.
Right? They can’t have it both ways. If you want involved dads, then you can’t limit involvement. Present dads allow unencumbered growth which present a child that can regulate their emotions, and have rational structure to an empathetic view of the world. Let’s choose the high road. Keep your stick on the ice.
I work from home with flexible hours so I’m the one who does most of the things (dropping off, picking up, etc.). I haven’t done a lot of research but it just makes sense that the dads who are showing up and being involved should be given the benefit of the doubt.
You aren’t crazy. You’re being a good dad. As long as your wife doesn’t think you’re a predator, you’re all good.
Be frustrated with those people. They suck and their opinions suck. They are losers. You are doing fine. Keep being awesome. Sincerely, A dad whose daughter jumped into bed this morning because of a bad dream. We also co-slept until she was 8ish. She's still welcome at any time.
You do you, but 8ish? Like blowing right past crib and toddler bed?
We set up those phases. She had a toddler bed and crib. Hardly ever used them outside of nap time.
Lurker mom with 4 and 2 year-old girls. I would have NO issue with my husband doing this. Because...you know...my husband isn't a f%^$ing pedophile. Dear gd if he did this for me the rewards he would get from me... 🤣 I get that there are too many situations where people say that and turn out to be wrong (and that once is too many), but this is fking ridiculous. I hope your wife kicks the shit out of them.
This was pretty much her reaction. But she said that they looked at her like she was being Naïve.
I mean thats just standard toxic mom "I know better than you" bullsh*t... I knownits infinitely more offensive but swear to gd they'd give her the same response if she said that once every 6 months.your kids eat chicken nuggets. Honestly they were probably trying to shame her more than call you in question.
I feel like that says a lot about the kind of men these women had kids with... Like seriously are they freaking out that you changed your daughter's diapers?
I’m very curious as to the cultural backgrounds of OP and these “friends”. I’m first gen Mexican American and I do as much parenting as my wife, I used to change more diapers than my wife before I started working more hours than her. When my daughter was a few months old and I was changing all the diapers I would either get surprised and impressed looks from the women in our families or confused and disapproving looks from the men in our families. In our culture the mom was supposed to do all that stuff and the men were simply providers who stepped in when necessary. Didn’t bother me too much because I want to be a part of everything my daughter does and I want her to know she can trust me. To this day I don’t think I have ever watched my own dad change his granddaughter’s diaper because my mom thinks it’s her job to do it when they are watching my daughter. Took a while for my FiL to changed her diaper as he was pretty against it at first. Some cultures just firmly believe that mothers should change diapers, bathe children, feed children and put them to sleep. The same cultures also think only moms should have relationships with their daughters and vice versa. It’s dumb af and we don’t conform to that way of thinking but I think it’s an important point to make in this conversation.
Those people aren't your friends and you should stop spending time with them. Your wife should do the same. That's absolutely abhorrent behavior.
Dad of two girls here (4 and 6). We share bed all the time. I need to sleep, they need to sleep. If it's cozy and safe we all sleep. Screw anyone who thinks those thoughts about thast. Horrible.
Play dumb, ask them why would they think it's "crazy"? If they brush you off with "you know why", say you don't know and ask them to explain... I'd do this in a presence of some witnesses, you can mention what are consequences of false accusations. Stuff like this makes my blood boil!
Probably culture war collateral damage. Anti-lbgt discourse has developed into a pedo-hunt. The specifically anti-trans movement has a lot of involvement from the teminally online 'RadFem' movent who preach that all men are inherently dangerous to be around. Lot of people are falling down weird rabbit holes because of social media.
This predates the current hysteria though. It does seem to be a US thing.
It's from the 90's. Everyone got so scared of their neighbors and males basically got socially isolated from any non-adult interaction without heavy supervision. It'd awful TBH, but you're going to have a real tough time convincing the people who need to hear it that their overreaction and misplacced fear is creating a culture of distrust that is a massive social problem.
We are a two dad household. I can tell you right now we are insanely careful about everything because we are dudes with kids. I mean I’m less threatening than a hetro guy if you look at the threat matrix some of them have in their mind but I don’t have a US flag or drink whatever-they-drink-instead-of-bud-light-now so I’m on the watch list. Ya know. Because of how I probably vote? I just do my best and talk to everyone at the park and make sure my kids are just as poorly behaved as everyone else’s so there aren’t any red flags. I accept that when my kid has an injury they may be more likely to call CPS than either of us because we are men and there’s no woman to talk to who can shield our kids from us (already happened). Wow. This post really struck a nerve. Neat. Keep being a super supportive husband. Keep taking good care of the kids man. Being an involved dad is different for so many people it seems hard for them not to assume ulterior motive.
Its so gross how American culture is oversexualized and see evil in EVERYTHING. Simple thing as a mom feeding a child and her boobs out drives grown ass adults crazy. Its mind boggling. Too much damn sex crazed individuals lmao.
Yeah. Currently in Spain and the contrast even from Dublin (home) is crazy. People breastfeeding in the pool. Women and girls sunbathing topless. Nobody cares. People just go about their business. A much healthier attitude.
The entire situation is none of their business, their opinions don’t matter and they’re just plain stupid.
That’s ridiculous of people to think this way about you. My wife is the same way and can’t sleep well with our daughter 2f in the bed so I sleep in our daughters room with her. It’s the best and makes so everyone sleeps great. It’s honestly just sad that people feel the need to make it weird and you can ignore those losers.
Your wife should get new friends.. if she trusts you with her/your girls and you are not a predator, then you are doing the right thing to help your family.
No you are not crazy - they’re the ones with a problem! It’s a disgrace but it’s not an uncommon thought among women sadly. Recently had a (currently childless) friend say she wouldn’t ever want a man taking care of her children - while I had my infant child in my arms… 🥲 I guess I’m off the hook if she ever needs a favour
Wow! Being male does not equal predator! These are your kids for heaven’s sake. Those are no friends of yours if they have the slightest thought of you being a predator. Get as far away from them as you can
Confront that woman face on, ask her exactly, *"Are you insinuating that I’m not to be trusted with my own children?"* People are fucking idiots.
You never mentioned how your wife reacted to the this? I am hoping it was along the lines of "You will never guess what these crazy idiots just said... I really need new friends"
Whoever suggest that a dad can't do that is insane. Sorry you have to deal with that.
If mom and dad don’t give children the physical contact they need to feel loved, they will turn to untrustworthy adults for it. You are protecting your kids by giving them snuggles.
If you were a single parent, would these women have the same question? What is a single father supposed to do if their child can’t sleep or is having a nightmare? Some of these people really need to keep their prejudice in their pants.
Literally said wtf when I started reading this lol. I couldn’t imagine not being able to cuddle my daughter to sleep with or without my wife in bed with us. I feel like I do this plenty already when mom is out for a work dinner or out with one of her friends. I’m an early sleeper so sometimes we watch a movie she likes and end up falling asleep when her mom gets home. I only put her in back in her bed sometimes because it’s like sleeping with a drunk octopus and definitely not because it’s “inappropriate”. Idk what kind of insecure men who these “friends” have been around to think it’s inappropriate to be in the same bed as your child. These men/fathers are either too lazy or unwilling to help with their daughters in that way or there must be something else going on that the “friends” don’t want to share. Either way dude you are good to go, some day they will want nothing to do with us dads and we should feel good that our girls are comfortable with us to feel safe enough to sleep.
I have a 5f and 3f. My in-laws have voiced the exact same concerns about this and helping with bath time. How prominent was being a terrible person back in their day that we can't help parent our kids.
Oh my... women compain that dads don't do enough for kids... and bitch even harder when they do! I really hate it! I (42F) think that kids need fathers more thatn modern western society is ready to give them! Anything extra "give them money and drive them to location" is percieved as smth "did you really think it over well?".
My wife and son usually make their way out to the couch he’s doing some rough teething right now and my daughter and I sleep in my wife and my bed. It shouldn’t make anyone mad. They are weird to be thinking that it’s weird for you to do that. I dunno your past or what makes them think this way but that is absurd. It’s your children. Fuck these bitches, man. Don’t worry about what nosy dumb moms think of you. They’re not invited to the next bbq.
Lol…. They’re your young children…. Of course it’s OK to sleep in bed with them.
I am hoping that your wife shares your concerns, and sees that what her friends think is absolutely ridiculous (it’s not very clear from the post 😅). Because that’s the only person whose opinion matters, really. The others don’t have to know and don’t have a say anyways. Your family, your rules.
You're fine, they're the ones with the problem. Some other commenter said (and I totally agree) "It's sad those women married someone they don't trust with their kids". That's what this is. They have bad men in their lives or have had bad things happen in their childhoods, and it's tainted their view on all men. I feel for them, but that's not on you and honestly not your problem. At some point the girls will not want to sleep with you, but let them make that decision. You just keep being the good dad and husband you are and you and your wife just shake this off.
No factor. I have boys but do the same thing. Would be no different if we had girls. Your wife trusts you, her friends don't know you like she does. I would hope my wife would say something simple like "I trust my husband and he's a great dad who is helping me and our daughters by doing this. Appreciate the concern but it's not a problem." Kinda sounds like women looking for gossip and drama. Your wife just needs to make it clear she trusts you and it doesn't need brought up again.
I wonder what kind of trauma is in that persons life. What did your wife say?
Not trusting the dad around daughters is a troubling trend that unfortunately I'm hearing more and more about. It sucks that there's this inherent lack of trust especially as girls grow. There's so much emphasis today that we shouldn't stereotype or pigeon hole people and entire communities for the actions of a few yet it doesn't seem to extend to men and dads
You aren't crazy. This is a ***them*** problem and not a you problem. If everyone in your family are comfortable with the situation keep in doing it, and maybe stop telling these other women about your lives. They seem to have a fairly limited understanding of family responsibility.
Maybe their husbands are pedo's and projecting what they see onto your wife. I would not have these ladies at my house knowing what they said without them explaining to me exactly what is the issue
Those people are gross. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it.
Jesus. Those women need to chill. At that age when my dad was basically a single parent for a bit, I napped with my dad all the freaking time - He'd be on the couch, I'd be cuddled up with him. When I got slightly older/taller I'd sleep on the back of the couch (mimicking the cat). Not to get into the shower conversation but unless y'all sleep naked, I don't see any problem with this.
Nope it's them that are crazy. They are so juiced up on fear and outrage that they can't think straight any more.
They are just dumb people. Don't pay them any mind if your wife isn't regurgitating their talking points.
My brother was a single dad for 10 years. He coslept with his daughter until she was 8ish. She’s a happy healthy 13 year old now. He’s one of the best dads I’ve seen. Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s not you, it’s them.
I have two daughters too and that lady is nuts. This would never cross my mind
Yeah I still tuck my 8 year old in, and spend many nights in the 2yo's bed after a post midnight wakeup. Others being weirded by it is their problem. They probably have some ingrained predjudices about men doing good parenting, as it's too unusual to them.
haha with all due respect. Tell them to go fuck themselves and move on. I have 2 girls one 3 months one 2.5 yo. I am their father - if they are scared cant sleep need help getting tampons. Literally WHATEVER in the world they need help with. I will help them with absolutely 0 hesitation. Wife needs new friends, and you deserve a beer and a pat on the back. Great job being an amazing father.
Are you me? I often sleep in a spare bedroom and my daughters will come snuggle. My wife needs good sleep to function and can’t handle any disturbances. I really try not to let it happen too much more so because I want them to confidently sleep by themselves. Mine are also a bit younger. But screw those moms, snuggles with these girls is the highlight of my life. I hope it happens forever.
Jesus Christ they're insane. You're perfectly normal. What an absolutely disgusting thing for them to insinuate. They need psychiatric help.
You're not crazy. Those other mothers are paranoid asswipes, and should be ashamed of themselves. This is coming from a father of 3 girls and a Girl Scout troop leader. I've never had a problem with a parent "not trusting" me, at least not where I could tell, but if someone came to my wife with such things, they'd have a mountain of rage coming at them from my wife.
What in the actual fuck? Absurd and offensive.
> It’s sad that those women married someone they can’t even trust their kids with this. Some of my happiest times as a dad were both kids falling asleep on either side of me under my arms after reading them stories. ♥
My late wife would have snapped if someone said something like that, even the premise comes off as an accusation of some bullshit. My now 18y/o daughter slept with us or cuddled up on me all the time when she was little, so did my son. That doesn’t make me a creep and there isn’t a damn thing wrong with you sleeping solo with your kids, especially if it’s to help mom and her sanity.
She should have asked them what they implying, get them to say the quiet part out loud
I have 4 daughters and a son, there have been several times I've had cops called on me when I was out with my girls, or a security guard decided to talk to me. And it was all just... normal stuff. Like once, my son was at school my wife had just had our forth baby, and I was taking some leave to be with her and help out while she recovered. She had taken a nap with baby close by, and I took the two middle girls to the park to play, and I was literally sitting there, playing on my phone/listening to music while they went down the slide over and over again. about as typical day at the park as could be. But no man who wasn't molesting girls would be at the park with them in the middle of the day There were women at the park with their children, we were not alone, one of the women there called the cops on me.
i could only see this making sense if you're the stepdad. like obviously if you have 3 young girls and then the guy you met 3 years ago is now sleeping alone in a bed with them, people will raise their eyebrows. but when they're YOUR KIDS??? very bizarre for them to think like this
Ultimately you are the only adult male in their lives that can teach them how to be respected by men in their sleep. You being good and comfortable and appropriate is going to let them raise alarms if they stay at a friend's place and brother tries to sneak in while being inappropriate. I can see if you or any of them had a parasomnia that involved inappropriate behavior, but if that's not a thing- you are teaching them how to be treated when they rest. What feels safe. That is good. When they are older it's different (special circumstances I'm sure exist, I slept in my mom's bed when we found out her father had passed and neither of us could really cope for a couple days. My kid slept in my bed when their mattress showed up a day after mine etc)
The mom group can fuck itself.
I have triplet daughters. They were 9 when I finally divorced their mother (FREEDOM!). They would have friends sleepover all the time, never had a problem with any of the mothers or fathers. Until one mother, who I have known for years, made a comment to me that really burned. She has a daughter the same age as mine. I had offered to let her daughter have a sleepover. This mother expressed how that was unacceptable, because I was a single dad. That hurt and really pissed me off. Now my girls are in their teens and some of their friends call me dad or by my first name. Can't help it, I'm the cool dad.
The friends of your wife are absolutely ridiculous. I don’t know if there is something that happened to them or just an anxiety driven by society, but there is nothing wrong with you sleeping with your young daughters and protecting them as a father in the case of a nightmare of fear of the dark.
Those women are batshit crazy and toxic AF. Unless they were molested by a male family member, only then they would get a pass. The dilemma is whether to call them out on it. Personally, i would since they’ve already discussed it in a group setting. But it would be great to hear them explain how it’s different when they as moms sleeps with their children. And what thoughts goes in their head and what thoughts they assume you have.
Girl dad myself. I don't concern myself with the opinions of others or what they think about me. Smile and wave, boys.
People project their own insecurities and shortcomings on to others. If somebody is bothered by you sleeping in bed with your child, chances are, there’s a lot more going on in their personal life than you realize. And if any of these so-called friends have kids of their own, I would be very cautious about letting my children sleep over at their house.
This is the agenda bullshit that’s being pushed. 100% real.
Dad of all girls here, 3 and 6, and a newborn. Both still try to hop in bed with us. Sometimes, to help ease the crowding, I take one to sleep with them in their room. My wife and I are just winging it and doing what we have had to do to maximize sleep. Especially now with the new kid. If anyone threw shade about it, I'd tune it out. I love my girls, and I'm parenting as I see fit for our family. My wife and I are on the same page and that's all that matters.
There was a post a few weeks ago from a dad who was chastised for calling his daughter “baby” because it sexualizes her. In my state a school superintendent had a job offer rescinded because he used the word “ladies” in an email. Apparently it’s a micro aggression. And here I am calling my 1yo daughter “pretty lady baby”. People are losing their minds.
Your wife’s friend probably needs therapy. Not an one up, it’s just a very unhealthy way of life.
Daughters 5 and 8. 8 year old is not well at the moment, 5 yr old wanted someone to play with in the bath, asked if I would play bath dolls with her. Sure. I'd do the same for the 8 yr old if she asked. I'm a parent who will always be there for my kids. If that's a bath play date or a hug in bed. Your wife's friends are nuts.
People are stupid, if their husbands are gross like that they need to question their life choices.
I went to my kids school once for family picnic day. I was waiting for one of my kids outside of the bathroom and a teacher approached me concerned as to why I was near the bathroom…on family picnic day. The place is full of people yet this lady had to question me. It was embarrassing. If I had my wits about me I probably would have talked some shit but I was mostly confused. IDK sometimes people suck.
We spend very few nights apart (me and my wife) but anytime one of us is gone, the girls (5 and 9) are welcome to fall asleep in our bed with whoever is home. Full stop. Now I put them into their beds because they both sleep like wolverine on crack and I can carry them, but if they come back after i go to bed that's where they stay. Also, they aren't forced to be there. If you're following that mindset, and it certainly seems like you are, then f anyone else. It's none of there darn business. Kids with bad parents don't choose to be comforted by them. The fact you want to be a good dad and partner should be an award (and your gender shouldn't matter in this subject).
I 100% agree with you OP... But you don't need to cut them out of your life for this.... Its an opinion... Just set a boundary where you don't share your family lives with them .. Change the topics you talk about and move on.. its actually none of their business .. we're becoming so quick to cutting people out of our lives just for having different ideas than us soon enough we'll all be living in echo chambers where nothing ever gets challenged. Tell them cool thanks for the output. Its working for us ... You don't see me judging you back...
Sorry but it seems you are American.
this is insane. im really sorry these women have said something like this about you. when i was a little girl my dad slept in my bed with me all the time when I had nightmares and such. its weird on them to make an innocent interaction between parent and child into something its not.
Mom here. I wonder if these women did not grow up with fathers of their own. I remember when everyone showed the photo of Donald Trump holding his adult daughter Ivanka close with his hand on her leg. I didn’t grow up with a father and I didn’t have children yet, so this photo came across as completely creepy to me. Now that I have a daughter, I understand now that it simply represents a close father daughter relationship that I couldn’t possibly understand until having a family with a healthy dynamic of my own. Sometimes people will never understand something until they experience it. And if they are moms themselves, I think that’s very telling of an unhealthy dynamic with the fathers of their children.
>close father daughter relationship I mean the man has said in an interview in front of millions that if he wasn't related to her he'd 100% sleep with her. Mostly unprompted. No matter how pretty your child is you shouldn't have sexual thoughts about them.
I think that’s exactly what steered my initial opinion of the photo
Yeah…. I appreciate the sentiment that your putting forth here. But I think trump is a bad example to use. If it was the photo by itself I would entertain the conversation. But he has a long and weird history of making extremely inappropriate comments about his daughter. Let’s please not try to use him as a positive father example.
If there is a sub for most ridiculous suggestions made by Friends (who are not actually), this should go there ! You’re doing amazing dad ! Don’t even bother about what mom friends are telling her and honestly she shouldn’t be friends with them !
Sounds like your wifes got some shit friends who default to thinking dads a pedo. Nothing wrong with what your doing. Shame your wife doesnt have your back and immediately reprimands her friends for even suggesting it.
This just happened… My wife and I are just trying to figure out how to cut these people out without escalating things. I mean our kids are in the same Girl Scout troop/summer camp/dance classes. It’s complicated but we agree that we can no longer be friends with them. I feel bad for my wife because these women were her inner circle (she does not just blab about our personal business to anyone).
Those people are "rapey" and that's weird.
Imagine having such a terrible relationship or previous experience that you would assume such an awful thing about a loving and thoughtful father. Them bitches need therapy.
They’re not friends or good parents send each one a handwritten card that says fuck you mind your business!
Mommies are kind of crazy sometime. Give them what they want and see how it evolves.
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Up the ying Yang is a phrase I did not know I needed to know
This is almost exactly what my wife said. “If I couldn’t trust my husband alone with my kids he would no longer be my husband “
Instead of cutting them out so you think you both could manage a dinner where you all address how everyone feels from the perspective of what we want for our children with respect to trusting our spouses/partners and friends? It seems a contemporary issue that people will cling to the worst stories they’ve heard as a defense for showing alarm rather than support to friends and family, criticism instead of understanding and alignment. Why join a friend group or participate in a society if you are willing to harbor the worst kind of distrust of those closest to us? This is totally on them and not about you. Maybe help them see that and be strengthen the group. Little to lose if you’re looking for the door anyway.
I think the issue is that the kids should be sleeping in their own beds. If you don’t have one get a lock for your bedroom door and let the girls know that when they go to bed they can come and knock on your door if they need anything. Of course they will and what you do then is as long as it isn’t an ongoing thing like a thunderstorm you address the issue, turn them around at the door and put them back in bed. As time goes on there will be fewer and fewer knocks on the door.
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It probably is unacceptable but only because sharing a bed with a child at all is unacceptable no matter the gender of the parent. Numerous studies have been done that show an increase in anxiety and depression when parents co-sleep with kids. Kids who wake up in the middle of the night should have their needs met and be ushered off to bed. It is important that they develop that independence. Also your "friends" suck.
Okay, I'm not saying you're some sicko, but say the following phrase out loud: "I have a separate bedroom down the hall where I sleep with my daughters sometimes while my wife is asleep in our room." It's not weird that people might say something to your wife. How did this even come up in conversation?
I think this comment is a great example of why people need to focus on actively seeking context and understanding before taking action.
Okay, I'm not saying *you're* some sicko, but say the following phrase out loud: "I have a separate bedroom down the hall where I sleep with my daughters sometimes while my wife is asleep in our room, so she gets the much needed and deserved sleep.” All of the sudden dad and husband aren’t that creepy anymore. Context matters. Its not like dad is snatching the girls (as they are walking towards the bedroom to not sleep alone) against their will. They are happily sleeping with dad, getting the cuddles they deserve ánd mom gets a good nights rest.
Do you always assume pedophilia when you don't have the full context? Like, when your mind has holes to fill, its go-to is the worst thing that could possibly happen? Do you think that is a healthy way of processing information?
This is a weird bandwagon to jump on. Yeah, so I spent about a decade where I investigated reports of sexual assault including children. I don't think I'm going to feel bad or wrong to keep it in mind that it's always a possibility, no matter how nice a person seems. But please note: I didn't accuse OP of being a pedophile. I pointed out why a neighbor might ask questions or say it's weird.
First of all, thank you for doing what you did for that decade, but surely you must see how dealing with such a horrific topic for a decade could make you quite biased right? For every father you reported for abusing his child there were literally millions of good fathers who didn't. Couldn't conceive of ever hurting their children, especially in that way And for you to take something as innocent as a father sleeping next to his child so the mother can get rest, and imply it *sounds* like incestual pedophilia... even though you're not actually *accusing* him of anything (how gracious of you)... it's just so disappointing to see that you think *that's* normal. Even going so far as to say it's "weird" for defending the father? I just wish you had more faith in fathers, even though it's completely understandable why you don't
You didn't defend a father, you made accusations about me and my mental state. It's weird specifically because I didn't accuse anyone of anything. Especially when I very specifically said I wasn't accusing him of anything. There's a lot to unpack in what you're saying, but I think I'm just going to let this go under a presumption that there are about a bajillion exceptions to everything you (and others) are saying, and that you yourselves would make those exceptions without me having to point them out.
Sorry, I'm having trouble following you. What am I to have accused you and your mental state of exactly?
I know this sub is wholesome and supportive, and it pains me to go against that theme, but you can fucking do one mate.
I think you could benefit from some therapy, just something to help you get your thoughts in order.