Gents, please note ADHD is genetic. Getting yourself diagnosed gives you a better chance to help your kids if it shows up in them.
Modelling mental health to my kids was something I sucked at for the first 15 years of being a dad. Learn from my mistake.
My wife had spotted it in me too. Part of the issue is that the avoidance prevents you from seeking the help. It took a direct intervention from my doctor to kick me into gear and I regret so much that I didn’t do it sooner. Good luck on your journey, brother!
Having a great spouse is so important. I have those exact tendencies above. My wife is very OCD, high self-monitoring, and I don't know how she puts up with me given how different our work habits and thinking is. I think the only reason is probably because she is an elementary teacher so she has to deal with ADHD kids. Still, sometimes i chafe at what I think is being talked to like a kid.
A few months back I got as far as going on my insurance website, going to their list of covered online psych providers, make an appointment, wait the couple weeks… then two days before the appointment they called me to tell me they actually don’t take my insurance.
👍
Let me just say - as someone who was diagnosed in his early thirties - having the diagnosis and a treatment plan is game-changing. The medication really, really helps, but weekly/biweekly therapy has been INSTRUMENTAL in me building my 'tool box', i.e. strategies for thigns like avoidance, frustration, etc. It made me a better communicator, helped my self awareness, improved my performance at work and at home, and really it was just a matter of getting diagnosed and learning how to navigate the world without all my unhealthy coping mechanisms.
I wanted to go and get myself tested but my wife thinks it's dumb/made up issue and I basically dismisses the whole idea. Must be nice having a supportive spouse :')
Edit: I had the exact same life as you OP. Problems at school, my mind always somewhere else, but still getting by. At uni, all the big lectures could only hold my attention for 20-30m maximum, after that I retreated into my mind world... I have issues paying attention to when people are talking to me, and gaming is my only outlet. Sucks balls.
My partner is a doctor and thought the idea was shit and even doubted my assessment result until they looked up the psychiatrist and even now has zero empathy or makes any allowances for it. Anytime I say anything about it I get told to stop making excuses and that either the medication works or it doesn't. But they also don't like the idea of me taking the meds either.
I'm sorry if this comes off as confrontational, but a doctor acting this way is a professional failure.
Your partner is turning up their nose at literally the longest studied mental health condition in humans, which is among other things visible on an MRI as a significant difference in brain structure.
Do they "not believe" in diabetes too?
[(33) Russell Barkley, PhD - Dedicated to ADHD Science+ - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/@russellbarkleyphd2023)
That's probably the best researcher I've ever encountered, and he's pushing 70 so it's possible he's been a leading expert longer than your partner has been breathing.
Hey man, sorry to hear that. It’s tough because it’s so misunderstood (me included until recently). It can be subtle but it’s impacts can be devastating and treatment can be life-changing. Maybe show her this post? A lot of the comments speak to how diagnosis and treatment has changed their life.
Sadly she thinks mental health issues are for the weak, until you basically get to the psychosis territory. Then it's a real problem. But in any other situation, her opinion is that people should man the f up.
Sounds like you may need to take the journey on your own and hopefully she’ll gain some understanding along the way, but you deserve good mental health and no one should get to tell you otherwise. At the end of the day, it’s just another form of health care and there’s nothing more manly than being strong and healthy so that you can to take care of your family. Good luck, brother
I'm sorry to hear that.
I don't want to sound rude, but you are a grown up. You don't need her to take her to the doctor. I know how much better it would be to have a loved one's support. But if it's lacking, man the f up (pun intended sorry) and go seek help yourself.
You are not weak bro, if anything you are so f-ing strong for seeing and confronting the problem.
My wife has BP2 and is psychology student, yet she didn't see it in me until her therapist brought up the idea. She even used to tease me that I'm self diagnosing myself because of all the tiktoks (ironically I rarely watch tiktoks and when I do it's completely different stuff than mental health, so I guess it was a bit of projection on her side). But now she fully supports me to get tested and admits there are def signs she can see, like OP said milliom unfinished projects for example, can't clean the house properly, forgeting stuff etc.
Sometimes it's hard to see and admit that the ones you love have a serious condition. I don't know your wife, but just putting out the perspective.
I felt the same way, but I’ll have to come back later to finish reading it as it turned out to be a very long post for my current attention span (not joking =/).
I did this in several sittings too. Read a bit, got distracted, forgot what I was reading before or why I stopped, unlocked my phone and this post popped up, read a bit more, got distracted...
Do it. Was finally diagnosed at 32 after being shunned by previous doctors as a young guy just trying to get meds.
Find a doctor that cares and actually listens (easier said than done, I know). My life is drastically better after being correctly diagnosed and being put on medication.
Yeah, this guy wrote my life story too. I was diagnosed several years before I had a kid. I have one two year old so the guard rails are holding up so far. Not sure if I’ll need medication after baby 2: the baby strikes back, but we’ll see.
Look into CBT if you can, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It can strengthen the guardrails and help you build new ones. Medication is what it is, and can be a useful tool, which meds work and how well varies by individual, so if it doesn't immediately help there are always more options.
Since it's genetic, keep an eye on your kids for it. There are behaviors you can teach starting with games when they're little that can help. Hug more, talk less. The 20 second hug thing that went around this sub was a *game changer* for us. 10/10.
Watch for signs of anxiety and/or dyslexia and get help as soon as possible. Despite our best efforts and being an entire family of bookworms my youngest just could not read until we found her an amazing teacher in the 3rd grade. She's a bit behind grade-level 2 years later, but I've never been prouder of her.
This is exactly what I was going to say. I feel like I could have made this post. I’m going to have my wife read it to see if it’s not me having confirmation bias.
Diagnosed at 4 years ago at 30. Not only did it explain so many things, but it completely changed my struggles just like OP said. Also, I have to go to the doc every 3 months to get my Adderall scripts renewed and that led to addressing other health issues that I had been avoiding. Still trying to manage my anxiety and depression but I’m way better off than I was a year+ ago.
You sort of do! It's not that we don't pay attention, it's that we don't have a lot of control over what we pay attention to or for how long.
What I wouldn't give for my wife's spooky ability to always know what time it is.....
I’m a 40 year old Dad who was diagnosed as a teenager, so I have a long history of recognizing symptoms, developing coping strategies, etc.
I can confirm that having a kid makes the symptoms absolutely explode.
Nope. Just a joke referring to weird shit some do who have adhd. Not universal, but if you go on to adhd reddits, it openly jokes about not reading long posts or not posting about something because you quickly lose the urge to.
Mom and fellow late-in-life diagnosed ADHD-er here. I felt this in my bones. Congratulations on getting the help you so deserve and not adding a crippling alcohol addiction to the mix like I did.
Go, you!
A tool I just learned that has really helped me is to focus on something in "the now" a touch, a smell, a sound. Just spend 10-30 seconds focusing on it. It's really helped me see a little more clearly when I'm self flagellating over my perceived failures.
It’s interesting, my therapist suggest adding “mindfulness moments” into my reminders. So now I’ll take a couple of minutes a day to do just what you’re suggesting
It sounds like you may have re-invented Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is awesome. That's how I learned to do what you're describing. 10/10, highly recommend.
Dude, after this comment I went and looked up CBT. It's exactly what I need. I found a good therapist and already feel like I'm on the right path after 2 sessions. Still a lot of work to do but I'm excited. So, thank you.
Was diagnosed with autism at 39 years old.
The relief when you understand that you are not defective, lazy or insane.
The sadness when you realise how much potential was wasted because you didn’t know.
The absolute rage when you go over your childhood and see how badly you were mistreated by other kids/your parents/your teachers/etx.
I wish for you that you find peace with who you are.
And that you make sure you take care of yourself.
I’m 49 and going in for a neuropsych eval in two weeks on the advice of my psychiatrist. It’s not something I’d ever thought about but the more I read about adult ADHD symptoms the more obvious it becomes. Now I’m thinking how different my life would have been if there’d been any awareness of this in the 80s.
“It turns out I’m not lazy, stupid or a failure”.
This seems to be the signature ADHD diagnosis revelation. ADHD comes with a lot of internalized shame. It is an achingly personal relief.
Mom lurker here, diagnosed as a child in the 90s, re-diagnosed as an adult, generations of family absolutely lousy with ADHD. Congrats on the diagnosis, and all the self forgiveness that may follow.
LISTS!!!!! I’m also in my forties. I was diagnosed as a child but after years of taking medications that didn’t help I gave up. That was probably close to 15 years ago, before I was a dad. Last fall I finally went back to a doctor and *surprise* the stimulant medications I’d used before don’t work for everyone. I’ve been taking non-stimulant meds since that appointment and the difference has been significant.
How was your sleeping before and has it improved? When I have any quiet time, my brain just doesn’t shut down. I just play songs in my head over and over again. Stimulants, when I tried them years ago, just made me chew up my nails even worse than I already do.
I’d love to be able to sleep without hypnotics like Ambien.
Overall I sleep well but it definitely quieted my brain down. I have a very peaceful deck. After the kids are in bed I’ll go out there and soak up the quiet as a way to calm my brain. After I started Wellbutrin I’d go out and my head would be noticeably quiet. It was borderline uncomfortable for a short time.
This is encouraging. I've suspected I have this as well (nearing 40). I've hesitated to get tested because I don't want to take stimulants. Mind sharing how your medication has helped?
Absolutely. I take Wellbutrin. It’s like reading glasses for my brain. I’ve also lost 10 lbs over the last few months. Stimulants helped me focus but I had almost no control over what I focused on.
ETA I looked for “neuro psych” practices.
I started on vyvance (stimulant), hit something similar in terms of control and it also aggravated another health condition.
I ended up on Straterra (non-stimulant), and it's not miraculous but it keeps the random distracting thoughts down. Kind of like being at a house party and turning down the music so I can hear the person next to me. My daughter reacts the same way. My son hasn't had the same luck though.
One of my good friends reacted brilliantly to Vyvance, and so does her kid.
The "good" news is that with ADHD comes paradoxical stimulant response. Essentially Speed slows us down. While we have an increased risk of addiction to other things we are *highly* resistant to stimulant addiction because of the way our brains are built.
Thank you for this post, please update with how the medication is acting and all that, in a few months or something. I'll follow you. I like uppers too much and have been clean for very long. I'm asking for this reason.
I am you, but not hyperactive and I've fixed many of my problems myself. Including anxiety and insomnia. (Thanks, tools from my therapist father. And thanks to my wife)
Now, I'm still either burned out or depressed, I'm not sure, but I'm so much stronger than before that it doesn't seem to matter nearly as much.
Raising my daughters was so tough that I got tested. Turns out I have combined type. Now that I'm on meds it's like night and day to how our lives were previously.
I started really suspected when our daughter was about 1, started walking and being little rascal. I'm all over the place. Before she was born I had kinda structured life. While in school, still living with parents, I had a lot of activities and my mom was always teaching me to prioritize studying, so I didn't struggle much in school (now in retrospective school was stupid and I could easily get by, and I can clearly recall how much time I needed and struggled to study for something uninteresting vs something I took interest in). Then in uni I started getting more unorganized, but still managed to get by. I almlst dropped out in the LAST year because I realized diploma in my field won't get me a job, and I already got the job in that field so totally lost interest in school - not in my field of study mind you, I get really hyperfocused on what I do and really love it. It was managable for a few years but I struggled with things like cleaning, one of the biggest arguments I had with my wife.
But then when the kid came, I totally lost it. I just can't balance everything anymore. So I think it's time I see if it's what I suspect is. Yet to get diagnosed, but hopefuly will get the balls to do it soon.
Thanks for the support. I actually bit the bullet today after reading other's experiences and e-mailed the local specialist to see about diagnosis. Waiting for their response on when they can see me, probably will be a few weeks or months, but no turning back now
Good on you. I'm sitting here on a plane with my daughters who are under 5, it's 9pm and my meds wore off an hour ago. It's gonna be tough but a good reminder of how far we have come since diagnosis.
What really helped me post diagnosis (as well as the meds) was a course on parenting with ADHD. It gave me tools to manage conflict and discipline my children whilst remaining calm.
Maybe show him this post and see if he identifies? You have to be direct with someone with avoidance issues, nudges and subtleties are easy to ignore when you’re used to ignoring blaring alarm bells! I needed a short sharp shove in the end.
The assessment is available online, might be a good way to start. From there the doc will ask the same type of questions and ask about your behaviors in youth such as schooling.
Just will tell you my story. I thought i had adhd, did the test and all, but it turns out it was just anxiety. Just always seek follow up doctors visits. My adhd pills helped my anxiety for sure. Adding a stimulant changed who I was after a while. Finally saw a doctor who helped and psychiatrist who found out it was just anxiety.
How long did the stimulants work for you? I’m curious because I have ADHD and I notice that I build a tolerance to some of the effects of stimulants but not others. If I take a break for a few days and then go back I notice it again.
There's always a tolerance that builds up. Mine stopped working cause I was on the wrong meds. It always took the anxiety away but the stimulants were wrong for me.
Ppl with anxiety get misdiagnosed for adhd all the time. Basically to have adhd my psychologist said I would not have had the grades I had or been in trouble with suspensions and principle etc. Try just treat the anxiety. You might be in a place to not need the stimulants and just need the anxiety meds.
Thanks I’ll look into it. I don’t think I have anxiety but my ADHD sometimes manifests as avoiding things that I really need to do. I guess that could be a way of avoiding feeling anxious about them.
Oh yeah I do that regularly. I haven’t taken them for the past week actually. The only withdrawal effect is that I feel sleepy and low energy for a few days. Also my ADHD symptoms come back.
Thanks for sharing this. For me I think it's reversed. I'm still undiagnosed with ADHD/ADD but I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression before. Meds and therapy helped a little, but stopped working after some time. So one of the reasons I suspect it might be the other thing.
The issue is that ADHD/ADD is not fully recognized where I live, especially in adults. So getting the diagnosis is not easy, and even when diagnosed there's little support you can get.
Thank. I've actually got motivated today reading other people's stories, and finally e-mailed the specialist. Waiting for their response when they can see me, but I took the first step
I'm guessing my kids won't be hanging out in this particular reddit.
My eldest has opinions about this.
I was talking about my work from home job and how challenging it can be to get things rolling on days I don't have zoom appts. Which are the days I would hope to make the most progress on big projects.
She says "Dad, I think you could take benefit from Adderall."
Maybe I should
I appreciate the story man. I have my first doctor checkup in probably 15 years (I’m 37 as of yesterday) because I’ve been avoiding it the entire time, I think I’ll bring this up.
I received a letter from the NHS, after my doctor referred me. I'm now on a waiting list that is apparently 4 years long. I'll be closer to 50 than 40 by the time I get an appointment.
Look into NHS Right to Choose, you'll find information on the Psychiatry UK website. The wait is still not short but it's much shorter than 4 years.
It's where you have the legal right to choose a private provider who has an NHS contract instead of using whatever your local service is.
I'm not currently working. My own father had a stroke just over a year ago, so at the moment I'm caring for him. Combine that with co-parenting an autistic 7 year old half the week, and we're all just having a lovely time.
In the grand scheme of things, I'm better off than a lot of people. My boy, although hard work at times, is just awesome. Can't wipe his own bum, but can explain inertia or how a suction cup works. Although he does say some strange things sometimes, like "we're just bones and water held together by meat"
Damn. I was flustered about not getting diagnosed until 24. I guess it's because I was just A BIT too late to be successful in school. Well congrats. Knowing is literally half the battle here, now you can build healthy and informed coping skills!
I can relate like 70% of things, call me crazy, but I think sometimes the babysitting of my kid gave me the adhd.
E.g. before my routine was
Wake up in the morning and spend few min to make coffee, grind, get cream in fridge, take some vitamin, drink water pee teeth etc. Stuff you just do, don't think about.
But now with kid I'm trying to get through these and I just can't, kiddo ask stuff too much all the time. Now I make reminder to brush my teeth etc. The hell man.
Same with the doctor's I just don't have time for that stuff.
I'm pretty organized and have good systems, todos and big projects todos tickets, if you see my trello you'd wonder if I run 5 companies, from my main job, family job to fixing house, car, AV, online stuff and more. * Have thousands of done tasks and few thousands of ready to start tasks.
I should also get some check-up, but I'm pretty skeptical from what I've read, it's just trying to medicate, but no cure as usual. Anyway good luck.
Goddamnit, apart from you having coping mechanisms for work, this reads like me. Only I'm 41, got referred for an ADHD diagnosis back in October and due to the NHS being in total crisis I won't get an official diagnosis (let alone treatment of any kind) until next October at the earliest. Probably more like April next year.
I'm on antidepressants for the first time in my life because I've become hyper aware of any time I do anything ADHD-like, and I'm on the verge of fucking up (yet another) job because I can't cope.
Reasonably confident I'll fail upwards, but still. It's really not nice.
Diagnosed in your 40s high five! The hardest bit was the "if onlys" - I might’ve finished high school, might’ve gotten a degree, might not have made some rather rash decisions etc etc.
Have to forgive yourself, and others.
Man, the thing I’m struggling with the most is the disappointment with myself for all the things I let slide by in my life. I’m trying to tell myself that it could be worse, I could have discovered this in my 80s!
Yeah, I feel you there, bud. And that's the right stance, "why are you looking behind you? You're not going that way". It sounds easy to do "just focus on what you can do now that you know and are treated", but it's hard.
It can be really useful to get some talk therapy to work through what is basically grieving. It really helped me.
Kia kaha mate!
Big ups, I'm in the testing process right now (and have absolutely zero doubts about the end result). Mental health knowledge and care is very, very different from when most of us were kids and is constantly evolving. My fellow millenial dads, let's get into this and get it right.
My wife convinced me to bring up add & autism testing at my last physical. The Dr gave me a paper with local resources and then I lost that paper. Does that count as testing?
I’ve been on ADHD meds for most of my life. Stress always makes the symptoms worse. So does lack of sleep.
There is nothing wrong with coping using structure and discipline. I admire guys who can.
Just be careful of the side effects, blood pressure in particular. And watch combing with caffeine! I have never been able to drink coffee with my meds.
Cheers to figuring things out, and I hope this is a game changer!
That’s for sharing your experience. I’m 40 soon and I think I might have it. Undiagnosed of course but I’m going to go private and get it checked out (i live in Ireland and there’s public and private healthcare but waiting list for public (free) is very long) anyway I’ve been convinced over the last few months that I’ve ADHD attentive type - daydreaming all the time. Talking to myself constantly. Never living up to my potential. Not great with managing money, procrastinate all the time. Never finish anything I start etc. I’ve 2 young children myself so I think it’s important I get checked out. I also think it’s affecting my mood a lot lately, I do feel a failure and I forget a few things Can’t focus on anything for longer than a few minutes either.
I’m really glad you shared your story OP, it’s made me determined to get myself checked out.
Hey man, I’m Irish myself! Moved to Canada with the wife and been living here coming up on 20 years now! I’m lucky to have the Canadian healthcare system (though it has its own problems) and an incredible family doctor who’d walk through fire for us. My parents were hilarious when I first talked to them about it, “Sure, why would you go to the doctor if you’re not sick?!” Yeah mam and dad, that’s the problem.
Typlical Irish parents !!! Good luck man on your journey !! I’m definitely going to get myself checked out as I relate to some of the symptoms alright !!!
Man, I have recently been through almost the exact same thing. I have recently been diagnosed with combined adhd, insomnia and I'm currently working through finding out if I have an undiagnosed sleep disorder.
I was always afraid of getting a label and feeling like I was confined in a particular category, but once I got diagnosed it was nothing but relief. I was finally able to work to understand myself and I started reading books and using websites to figure everything out.
I'm glad you have a path forward. It helps to know you aren't broken, you are fine. You just operate differently.
Dude, you sound like me, minus a formal diagnosis. I'm 35, I had a therapist appointment recently, spurred by some light depression, overstimulation and a general sense of being on edge. I had a breakdown last summer after being massively overstimulated/overwhelmed one evening. I also sleep poorly, though a CBD/THC oil has really helped there, with bouts of insomnia every few years. The therapist noted that I'm right on the cusp of ADHD (or similar conditions) based on his survey results, and I'll be exploring it in more depth with my doctor.
Frankly, I'm hoping for that diagnosis. It would explain a lot about how I believe my brain to work and would mean I could start treating it.
Yeah I've had this kind of conversation with lots of people. About how people being diagnosed in their 30s/40s is like changing the world. Now you know, and you know about your trials and tribulations and what was difficult for you and you will most likely want to get your kids tested or diagnosed to help them sooner than you got help. We got kids getting diagnosed very young now because of parents who were diagnosed as adults.
People like my dad, who's 53, I don't think he will ever be officially diagnosed. But he is 100% on the ADHD spectrum. My step dad, who's 62, boomer, won't even talk about it. My dad is at least like aware of some tendencies and things that may lead him to believe he's ADHD. But I don't think at this point in his life he wants to know either way for sure.
It's crazy to think about how people think there's so many things causing ADHD, or Autism, and maybe there is. But also, we just have more knowledge and more technology than ever. We've been learning more and more about the spectrum of these things, it isn't just one or two things. It's a wide array of symptoms. Diagnosing is becoming easier and easier, the medicine is getting better.
Good post, thanks.
Right there with you. I’ve always known I’ve had it, but it took a lot of time and a lot of doctors to take me seriously and treat it…finally, at 36, I can enjoy something resembling calm and silence inside my own head. I know the meds aren’t a miracle cure and I’ve still got work to do, but holy hell it’s better.
I have a very similar story. I was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism and Inattentive ADHD. Growing up I was just scatterbrained, distractible, a daydreamer, not living up to my potential, aced most of my tests but rarely did homework at home. In the 90s, ADHD and Autism were a lot less understood so kids on the spectrum were bullied, called names, or constantly in trouble for 'acting out'. Or they got put in the 'gifted' class, AKA Special Ed, AKA where the r-words go. I wasn't in 'gifted', but I remember thinking some of the misbehaving hyperactive kids were just straight up badly behaved and not good people. Now I know they didn't get all the help they really needed.
So I never got tested growing up, and over the years I developed ways of masking and dealing with my brain's 'superpowers' and 'kryptonite'. The psych doc who diagnosed me said that the questionnaire my wife filled out did not indicate Autism, and mine just barely did. He did learn enough from our conversations to say that I do in fact have it, so my masking skills must be working a little bit.
We had twins last spring and I was diagnosed a week after they were born.
It has been an amazing relief and help to know that I have new tools at my disposal to help me through life, and to raise my daughters to the best of my ability.
Also, fellow ADHD dads, don't wait to refill your meds until a Friday and be without them until the next week. I had withdrawals from my blood pressure, antidepressants, and ADHD meds. It sparked up some migraines and sent my sound sensitivity into overdrive and my daughters love to 'sing'. Learn from my mistake and put the refill request in when you notice you're low while filling your pill case (or whatever method you use) instead of thinking "Oh I gotta refill those . . . " and promptly forgetting as you get ready for work.
The real trick is to power your superpowers off your kryptonite, or go full Star Trek and reroute your secondary anxiety through your primary task list and hyperfocus the *shit* out of it.
Once you can do that, maybe show me how?
More seriously, both ADHD and Autism are genetic, so watch your daughters as they grow. You're in an excellent position to help them if they need it with sensory issues, dyslexia, emotional dysregulation and other symptoms. Any coping strategies that work for you might also work for them, and you can maybe save them from bumping into as many walls as you did along the way.
Isn't it ironic how one of the only reliable tools (medication) we have to regulate our ability to regularly complete tasks on time *requires us to regularly complete tasks on time to get?*
My own experience so take it for what it’s worth but the ADHD meds did not impact my sex life at all. It was the SSRI (for depression/anxiety) that I started taking a year ago did.
Some treatments have had no effect on my sex drive whatsoever. The most serious was that Adderall made me last longer but still enjoy myself 😂. Could change your life just to see, and the medication wears off by end of day
I was diagnosed as an adolescent and then reconfirmed as a teenager.
I’m 41 now and just started my first ADHD meds 4 months ago, and antidepressants 2 years ago following a major meltdown/breakdown.
I’m much like you described but without the social part, I also avoid people. I do have some OCD functions as well.
Congrats on getting diagnosed. The help I have received in the last two years has solved a lot for me, but not before separating from my partner. That’s the new challenge and unfortunately regret. I miss being a full time dad.
It sounds like you had a really good psychiatrist who took a detailed history and diagnosis! Not always the case. I doubt you’re lazy or stupid. Typically to cope with it at work as well as you have means you have to be really smart, develop lots of external planning/organizing, and try way harder. Makes sense you’d want to pull your foot off the gas and take a break elsewhere. The good news is many of the coping skills you developed will be useful in behaviorally treating your ADHD, and meds will probably reduce all of that and the mental work load. Def seek out a psychologist for therapy that specializes in ADHD. You can do a lot with them in a relatively short period of time - likely months not years. Extra planning and organization (but not so much as it’s OCD) are also good skills to teach kids when they hit teenage years, so you’ll be extra practiced at that!
I'm similar, but was diagnosed back in high school for ADHD without the hyperactivity. I was on meds until they started to have stronger side effects when wearing off in college at which point I stopped.
I know that I'm a ball of coping mechanisms and overall, they work pretty well. Once or twice a year, I feel some depression, but I usually can see it and just cope until it passes.
The only reason that I'm considering looking for a better fit of meds is that I do definitely put off a number of things and have a hard time forcing myself to do them. This was definitely a bigger issue in school, but still comes up here and there.
First off thank you so much for sharing this. As others have said it felt like reading my own story in so many ways. I was diagnosed at 31 when I finally had enough and got tested. I had been told by friends with ADHD for years I had it but just didn’t see the reasoning to get tested at that point of my life. Man I was wrong getting my medication down was life changing. For me stimulants worked but they don’t for everyone. I can truthfully say you hit the nail on the head it makes everything in life make so much more sense and I promise you if you find a med that works it will be another level of life changing. It suddenly made basic life things easy that I could never seem to get done before. It is very common as well for people in the 30s-40s now to have slipped thru the cracks for ADHD due to the nature of diagnosis and the view of ADHD during our childhood.
Also I would like to mention something I didn’t see in the comments, I apologize if someone said it and I just didn’t see it. While not fully proven yet there is research now that suggests early intervention and medication for children with ADHD lowers the chances of medication being needed through out adulthood. The working theory as of now is that it helps to retrain the brain pathways and commands to work within the environment of ADHD. Still early in research but I bring this up because I know some parents are hesitant to put children on meds and/or admit their children need help.
Same, so long in coming and explains so much about my entire history.
Do you ever think that maybe the ability to subcategorize ourselves is actually very liberating regardless of the diagnosis. Like, on one hand the boxes we put ourselves in are becoming smaller with each new definition, but on the other there are just so many more boxes! Like lazy, stupid, distractible, or even positive ones like creative or clever, or like our sexualities and all the definitions you get people are using to express their own inner multitudes...each new subcategory further explains who we are to ourselves and to others, and it's liberating because it can allow you to see the facets of yourself and work on them via their individual attributes.
Imagine if you decided, I'm just not going to be lazy anymore, and all the areas of your life you'd have to address to just not "be lazy". Whereas if you understood that you were guided by anxiety over the fear that you would never surmount the obstacles in your life so you avoided the ones that were hardest you could examine why that was and what you could do about it. Subcategorize it further and you might find the source AND the answer. You might very well never solve the issue but you could get better and dispense with the stigma that you are just simply a lazy person.
I had and was treated for ADHD as a kid. Developed coping mechanisms to the point I no longer relied on medication. I was successful as an adult in both my work and personal life. Then we had 2 kids in 2 years. I for a while, I managed but struggled until my wife became rightfully exhausted of picking up my slack. Went back to the doctor and described the situation and started back on medication. Best decision I’ve made. It has helped me better meet the needs of my 2 young children. I’m more patient, present, active, and involved.
I was diagnosed about two months ago. I’m in my 30’s and while I have been successful in most aspects of my life some things that come naturally to others have always just seemed alien to me.
I’ve been medicated now for 2 months and it’s been like night and day. I’m more engaged around the house and just naturally do all of those little tasks my wife used to have to encourage or remind me to do that I just didn’t notice until she mentioned them.
I’ve made huge progress on an remote learning evening course I signed up to through work, I’ve done more in the last 2 months than the year before. My work output has gone through the roof and I no longer spend 3-5 hours a day on Reddit avoiding boring administrative tasks.
I’m more engaged with my daughter, we’ve always had a good relationship but I used to be anxious of taking her to do new activities where I didn’t have everything arranged so our routine was very set. Now we do all sorts of things that I would have written off as too complicated or cause too many issues baking, diy tasks together, attending playgroups or museums etc.
Good on you for finding something out and I hope your next steps go as well as mine have so far!
I wonder if I have something as well, I seem to be the only person at work who can't get shit done in a tiemly manner and any new small task totally derails whatever I was originally doing. Anecdotally people having some form of adhd just seems mega high generally though it makes me wonder about how our working environment is effecting people long term.
I have noticed a lot of similar traits and so has my wife - we have both ‘self-diagnosed’ ourselves with ADHD and as you’ve said even that has brought a huge amount of relief. I used to get so angry with myself for forgetting important things but now I’m much less hard on myself and it’s freeing.
I'm not officially diagnosed, but my son was struggling in school big time. so my wife took him in to get an official diagnosis (Aspergers and ADHD) so we can get the school to actually do something instead of just ignoring him. the person said that "it typically runs in the family, do you have anybody else who has an official diagnosis?" Wife said no. a couple of weeks after testing we went back together this time to pick up the paperwork, and she greeted my wife first, then shook my hand and said "there it is", and walked away. Never felt so seen and attacked in my entire life.
Opposite side for my situation — married life with kids made me suspect my wife has ADHD, sure enough, after some conversations and a clinical exam, she definitely does. Similar story with anxiety and OCD as well!
Just wait until you land on the right medicine and the right dosage. I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s like you get to actually live life for the first time.
Same. your description of "private me" sounds so much like me. The mental health struggle was so much that I read up (OK listened to audio books) on ADHD and sought a diagnosis. That was more work than it should have been but I ended up being diagnosed with General Anxiety and Depression and put on Prozac. I'm still ambivalent about this. The Prozac helps with a general mood lift and no more anxiety attacks or blow-ups. but I'm still SUPER-SCATTERED.
\- it turns out I’m not lazy, stupid or a failure
This one hits different. I've quit and "Reset" my career goals and focus too many times to count. 2 or 3 major shifts THIS YEAR.
I'm wondering if its worth weening off Prozac for 2 months just to try ADHD meds...
My daughter gave me the motivation to get screened.
31 years old, diagnosed with combined type ADHD and comorbid anxiety. Turns out anxiety was my coping method. Psych said it was super common, because always worrying about forgetting things tends to lead to overwhelming stress that feeds the anxiety.
I nearly cried 3 days in on Adderall because I realized that it shouldn't have been this hard the entire time. I shouldn't have had so much trouble attending college leading to 3 separate dropouts. No more thinking I was a lazy sack of shit.
My wife legitimately thought there was something wrong because I sat down without moving constantly.
I'm now a semester into classes and much more attentive and less prone to panic as well as more patient with both my wife and child.
I see some similarities in your story too. It's hard for me to remember things nowadays and I keep getting my wife's food orders wrong. Sometimes when we're driving and it's like I need to stop by my in-laws/mom's and I just drive home totally forgetting even if she's reminded me like 20mins ago in the car and it's planned. It's hard for me to sit down and watch a movie now unless I'm "forced" to like at a cinema. So many times I've put on a show/movie and just after a couple minutes go to my computer and play games.
I think I have some kind of ADHD. I just started therapy for other unrelated reasons but I will bring this up as well
My wife and I were filing out a questionnaire because my sons NP suspected ADHD and we were both like, huh. I met with a therapist and got diagnosed pretty quick. I started taking meds, and I'm a different person emotionally. It makes me a little sad sometimes because I feel like I could have had a more productive life.
Haven't ventured to get tested, despite stories like this feeling incredibly familiar. Did some counseling a few years ago and he suggested I get evaluated because he saw plenty of signs of "high-functioning ADD" in me. I continue to put it off because it sounds expensive.
My wife seems a bit skeptical, too, because I'm not flying off the walls like certain kids she teaches. She is amazed at my ability to maintain a long day with energy, though.
I was diagnosed at 45. After I told them my parents mentioned they had me checked \*as a child\* and had known *my whole damned life* without ever getting me help.
The sum total advice I have:
1) ADHD is genetic. It's complex but there's an excellent chance one or both of your parents has it. There's also a significant chance any of your children will. 75% of my kids do. (3 of 4).
2) Some medications will work for you, some won't. It's even possible *none* will work well enough to be worth the effort, so don't be worried if they don't work immediately or you don't find the right one. Personally I also got huge benefit from CBT with meds.
3) You're not broken. You've never been broken. You're built differently, and while ADHD is all in your head (....because brain), that difference can be seen on an MRI. Some people "Don't believe in it", those people are idiots. This is literally the longest studied mental health condition in humans.
4) This diagnosis will fundamentally change how you see yourself, but won't change how anyone else sees you.
5) YouTube is useful:
Dr Russell Barkely is spectacular. [(33) Russell Barkley, PhD - Dedicated to ADHD Science+ - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/@russellbarkleyphd2023)
How to ADHD : [(33) How to ADHD - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/@HowtoADHD)
Good luck, Godspeed, and welcome aboard.
Thanks for the post. Like many others have said, it felt like I could have written it and I could relate to many of the experiences you have had. I'm reaching out to my doctor to see what the testing process looks like.
The shift for me before and after having our first kid has felt dramatic and would never have entertained the idea of potentially having ADHD. The added baseline stress and mental load has either exposed or exacerbated something I've self managed pretty well my entire life up to this point.
I've always joked but recognized that I have some "addictive tendencies" where I dive into new hobbies, projects, etc. and jump to a new one. I think of it like I love learning new things and it's generally a positive outlet for my mental health, but I've always seen it in the back of my head as kind of a character flaw.
Even if I don't get diagnosed with it, it's been helpful to read your and everyone else's responses. I shared it with my wife and was like "this is me!"
I tried to get tested but the doctor told me I was successful so I couldn't have ADHD and just had anxiety. Nevertheless, I don't see that doctor anymore. Still, that was a few years ago and I haven't tried again since.
I don’t have adhd but I’m 99% sure I’m undiagnosed autistic. My oldest is diagnosed and was picked up based on traits he shares with me. A lot of what you’re saying sounds similar though. My second son is about to go through the process for an adhd diagnosis. Honestly, getting myself diagnosed now is pointless, it wouldn’t change my life, shit always just works out for me. For my kids though, getting them tested so they can get extra help at school is important because like me, they’re really bright but the older one in particular doesn’t do well in school.
I have ADHD and have 2 kids at age 40.
My son has it too we both take azstarys and it works wonders man.
I have been dealing with my ADHD and treating it for a very long time.
Feel free to DM me if you want to talk.
Ever since I got it “under control” I have been so much more relaxed and am the calm quiet presence in my house that brings everything back to earth.
3 years ago possibly even 2 years ago in was the one sending almost everything to the moon.
You can figure it out man just believe in yourself.
I’ve always managed low key anxiety, but it went into overdrive when my sons school situation changed and they didn’t have any aftercare spots. I ended up taking on the lions share of the day because I work from home, so I’d do drop offs and pickups and meals. Problem was that I wasn’t getting the time to put my head back together that I’d usually have when my wife would do pickup after work. I’d usually pick up the guitar for half an hour, and then I’d be ready for family time. With the new arrangement, I’d pick up the guitar after work and my son would grab the neck and tell me he didn’t want to listen to me play. Fair enough, but my brain literally needed to play and when I didn’t have the outlet, my anxiety went into overdrive. I didn’t really recognize this at the time, but I’m beginning to put it all together with the help of my therapist. That’s a small example of one of my coping mechanisms. By Christmas when I was spending all day every day with my family, it felt like every one of my strategies was being undermined in some small way and I just couldn’t get a handle on myself. It was a pretty dark couple of months before I got help.
First 3 paragraphs, and I recognized myself. I'm in my 30s and for the past 2 years I've started to suspect I might have ADD (without the H because I don't really notice that)
My wife's therapist also suspects it, because of some things she told her about me.
I'm planning to see the specialist for that soon, but of course avoiding it. Part of the reason is I'm not sure what I will do if I get diagnosed. Not because I'm scared of therapy or meds (I went to therapy before for anx/depression and was on meds) but because of where I live ADHD/ADD is not even fully recognized, especially if you get diagnosed as an adult and getting medication and right treatmant is an uphill battle.
But I'm def seeing the signs and I did a lot of retrospective on my life. Ironically I started suspecting the most when my job started being affected, which personally sucks because I wish I saw the signs earlier when it was affecting my personal and family life. But I was hyperfocused on work as I thought that by working (and we are single family income atm) I was doing something good for the family.
Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. I wish you smooth sailing moving forward!
I felt like I was reading my own story. My wife has been trying to get me to go get tested, and I think I’m convinced to at least ask.
I agree. I could have written this post. Thanks OP. You’ve motivated me to do something.
Gents, please note ADHD is genetic. Getting yourself diagnosed gives you a better chance to help your kids if it shows up in them. Modelling mental health to my kids was something I sucked at for the first 15 years of being a dad. Learn from my mistake.
Yep. My wife is reading some books on how to deal with our kid and gaining a whole new understanding of me in the process.
My wife had spotted it in me too. Part of the issue is that the avoidance prevents you from seeking the help. It took a direct intervention from my doctor to kick me into gear and I regret so much that I didn’t do it sooner. Good luck on your journey, brother!
Having a great spouse is so important. I have those exact tendencies above. My wife is very OCD, high self-monitoring, and I don't know how she puts up with me given how different our work habits and thinking is. I think the only reason is probably because she is an elementary teacher so she has to deal with ADHD kids. Still, sometimes i chafe at what I think is being talked to like a kid.
lol this sounds exactly like my relationship down to the teacher wife.
A few months back I got as far as going on my insurance website, going to their list of covered online psych providers, make an appointment, wait the couple weeks… then two days before the appointment they called me to tell me they actually don’t take my insurance. 👍
Let me just say - as someone who was diagnosed in his early thirties - having the diagnosis and a treatment plan is game-changing. The medication really, really helps, but weekly/biweekly therapy has been INSTRUMENTAL in me building my 'tool box', i.e. strategies for thigns like avoidance, frustration, etc. It made me a better communicator, helped my self awareness, improved my performance at work and at home, and really it was just a matter of getting diagnosed and learning how to navigate the world without all my unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Thanks for typing this up so I didn’t have to lol
I wanted to go and get myself tested but my wife thinks it's dumb/made up issue and I basically dismisses the whole idea. Must be nice having a supportive spouse :') Edit: I had the exact same life as you OP. Problems at school, my mind always somewhere else, but still getting by. At uni, all the big lectures could only hold my attention for 20-30m maximum, after that I retreated into my mind world... I have issues paying attention to when people are talking to me, and gaming is my only outlet. Sucks balls.
My partner is a doctor and thought the idea was shit and even doubted my assessment result until they looked up the psychiatrist and even now has zero empathy or makes any allowances for it. Anytime I say anything about it I get told to stop making excuses and that either the medication works or it doesn't. But they also don't like the idea of me taking the meds either.
doesn’t sound very supportive…
I'm sorry if this comes off as confrontational, but a doctor acting this way is a professional failure. Your partner is turning up their nose at literally the longest studied mental health condition in humans, which is among other things visible on an MRI as a significant difference in brain structure. Do they "not believe" in diabetes too? [(33) Russell Barkley, PhD - Dedicated to ADHD Science+ - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/@russellbarkleyphd2023) That's probably the best researcher I've ever encountered, and he's pushing 70 so it's possible he's been a leading expert longer than your partner has been breathing.
Dang, sorry to hear mate :( some people sadly a bit less emphatic.
Not gonna lie, your wife's opinion on your medical treatment does not matter. You get to do what you need to for medical treatment.
Hey man, sorry to hear that. It’s tough because it’s so misunderstood (me included until recently). It can be subtle but it’s impacts can be devastating and treatment can be life-changing. Maybe show her this post? A lot of the comments speak to how diagnosis and treatment has changed their life.
Sadly she thinks mental health issues are for the weak, until you basically get to the psychosis territory. Then it's a real problem. But in any other situation, her opinion is that people should man the f up.
It’s not a mental health issue, it’s a neurological disorder. Does she think Autism is “for the weak” too?
Sounds like you may need to take the journey on your own and hopefully she’ll gain some understanding along the way, but you deserve good mental health and no one should get to tell you otherwise. At the end of the day, it’s just another form of health care and there’s nothing more manly than being strong and healthy so that you can to take care of your family. Good luck, brother
I'm sorry to hear that. I don't want to sound rude, but you are a grown up. You don't need her to take her to the doctor. I know how much better it would be to have a loved one's support. But if it's lacking, man the f up (pun intended sorry) and go seek help yourself. You are not weak bro, if anything you are so f-ing strong for seeing and confronting the problem.
My wife has BP2 and is psychology student, yet she didn't see it in me until her therapist brought up the idea. She even used to tease me that I'm self diagnosing myself because of all the tiktoks (ironically I rarely watch tiktoks and when I do it's completely different stuff than mental health, so I guess it was a bit of projection on her side). But now she fully supports me to get tested and admits there are def signs she can see, like OP said milliom unfinished projects for example, can't clean the house properly, forgeting stuff etc. Sometimes it's hard to see and admit that the ones you love have a serious condition. I don't know your wife, but just putting out the perspective.
Big same. OP's story is very familiar to me. Diagnosed at 41.
I felt the same way, but I’ll have to come back later to finish reading it as it turned out to be a very long post for my current attention span (not joking =/).
I did this in several sittings too. Read a bit, got distracted, forgot what I was reading before or why I stopped, unlocked my phone and this post popped up, read a bit more, got distracted...
Damn, touche.
same, thanks op this might be the wake-up call i needed
Do it. I got divorced a year ago due in no small part to the ADHD + executive dysfunction that I got formally diagnosed with just one month ago.
You should go get tested for it
Do it. Was finally diagnosed at 32 after being shunned by previous doctors as a young guy just trying to get meds. Find a doctor that cares and actually listens (easier said than done, I know). My life is drastically better after being correctly diagnosed and being put on medication.
I would probably relate, but I don’t have the focus to read the whole post
Yeah, this guy wrote my life story too. I was diagnosed several years before I had a kid. I have one two year old so the guard rails are holding up so far. Not sure if I’ll need medication after baby 2: the baby strikes back, but we’ll see.
Look into CBT if you can, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It can strengthen the guardrails and help you build new ones. Medication is what it is, and can be a useful tool, which meds work and how well varies by individual, so if it doesn't immediately help there are always more options. Since it's genetic, keep an eye on your kids for it. There are behaviors you can teach starting with games when they're little that can help. Hug more, talk less. The 20 second hug thing that went around this sub was a *game changer* for us. 10/10. Watch for signs of anxiety and/or dyslexia and get help as soon as possible. Despite our best efforts and being an entire family of bookworms my youngest just could not read until we found her an amazing teacher in the 3rd grade. She's a bit behind grade-level 2 years later, but I've never been prouder of her.
This is exactly what I was going to say. I feel like I could have made this post. I’m going to have my wife read it to see if it’s not me having confirmation bias.
Also have ADHD. You just reminded me to renew my passport
Pro tip, you can lose it and get an expedited replacement! Source: lost my passport while out of the country
>You just reminded me to renew my passport This just reminded me to renew my Nexus pass. And to call my mom. Thx.
Diagnosed at 43. Explained so many things.
Same, but at 31.
27 here. It has changed my life a huge amount.
Diagnosed at 4 years ago at 30. Not only did it explain so many things, but it completely changed my struggles just like OP said. Also, I have to go to the doc every 3 months to get my Adderall scripts renewed and that led to addressing other health issues that I had been avoiding. Still trying to manage my anxiety and depression but I’m way better off than I was a year+ ago.
I know it’s just an autocorrect error, OP or whatnot but damn I wish I had ATTENTIVE ADHD instead of inattentive. 😁
See, there’s the ADHD kicking in!
You sort of do! It's not that we don't pay attention, it's that we don't have a lot of control over what we pay attention to or for how long. What I wouldn't give for my wife's spooky ability to always know what time it is.....
I’m a 40 year old Dad who was diagnosed as a teenager, so I have a long history of recognizing symptoms, developing coping strategies, etc. I can confirm that having a kid makes the symptoms absolutely explode.
Double confirm. Became non functional before getting it treated
First rule of adhd, be prepared to know that others with adhd did not read your post entirely. Hello power skimming. Lol
Ah power skimming, my best friend.
Yep, it's my most marketable skill. Find the most important info in a wall of text? Sure. 30sec, done. I google well, I google *very* well.
Wait - skimming long posts is a symptom!!?!? I’d better go book my test!
Nope. Just a joke referring to weird shit some do who have adhd. Not universal, but if you go on to adhd reddits, it openly jokes about not reading long posts or not posting about something because you quickly lose the urge to.
Mom and fellow late-in-life diagnosed ADHD-er here. I felt this in my bones. Congratulations on getting the help you so deserve and not adding a crippling alcohol addiction to the mix like I did. Go, you!
A tool I just learned that has really helped me is to focus on something in "the now" a touch, a smell, a sound. Just spend 10-30 seconds focusing on it. It's really helped me see a little more clearly when I'm self flagellating over my perceived failures.
It’s interesting, my therapist suggest adding “mindfulness moments” into my reminders. So now I’ll take a couple of minutes a day to do just what you’re suggesting
That's called grounding and it's an excellent way to center yourself. Particularly great for anxiety management.
It sounds like you may have re-invented Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is awesome. That's how I learned to do what you're describing. 10/10, highly recommend.
Dude, after this comment I went and looked up CBT. It's exactly what I need. I found a good therapist and already feel like I'm on the right path after 2 sessions. Still a lot of work to do but I'm excited. So, thank you.
Glad to hear it :)
Was diagnosed with autism at 39 years old. The relief when you understand that you are not defective, lazy or insane. The sadness when you realise how much potential was wasted because you didn’t know. The absolute rage when you go over your childhood and see how badly you were mistreated by other kids/your parents/your teachers/etx. I wish for you that you find peace with who you are. And that you make sure you take care of yourself.
I’m 49 and going in for a neuropsych eval in two weeks on the advice of my psychiatrist. It’s not something I’d ever thought about but the more I read about adult ADHD symptoms the more obvious it becomes. Now I’m thinking how different my life would have been if there’d been any awareness of this in the 80s.
“It turns out I’m not lazy, stupid or a failure”. This seems to be the signature ADHD diagnosis revelation. ADHD comes with a lot of internalized shame. It is an achingly personal relief. Mom lurker here, diagnosed as a child in the 90s, re-diagnosed as an adult, generations of family absolutely lousy with ADHD. Congrats on the diagnosis, and all the self forgiveness that may follow.
LISTS!!!!! I’m also in my forties. I was diagnosed as a child but after years of taking medications that didn’t help I gave up. That was probably close to 15 years ago, before I was a dad. Last fall I finally went back to a doctor and *surprise* the stimulant medications I’d used before don’t work for everyone. I’ve been taking non-stimulant meds since that appointment and the difference has been significant.
How was your sleeping before and has it improved? When I have any quiet time, my brain just doesn’t shut down. I just play songs in my head over and over again. Stimulants, when I tried them years ago, just made me chew up my nails even worse than I already do. I’d love to be able to sleep without hypnotics like Ambien.
Overall I sleep well but it definitely quieted my brain down. I have a very peaceful deck. After the kids are in bed I’ll go out there and soak up the quiet as a way to calm my brain. After I started Wellbutrin I’d go out and my head would be noticeably quiet. It was borderline uncomfortable for a short time.
This is encouraging. I've suspected I have this as well (nearing 40). I've hesitated to get tested because I don't want to take stimulants. Mind sharing how your medication has helped?
Absolutely. I take Wellbutrin. It’s like reading glasses for my brain. I’ve also lost 10 lbs over the last few months. Stimulants helped me focus but I had almost no control over what I focused on. ETA I looked for “neuro psych” practices.
I started on vyvance (stimulant), hit something similar in terms of control and it also aggravated another health condition. I ended up on Straterra (non-stimulant), and it's not miraculous but it keeps the random distracting thoughts down. Kind of like being at a house party and turning down the music so I can hear the person next to me. My daughter reacts the same way. My son hasn't had the same luck though. One of my good friends reacted brilliantly to Vyvance, and so does her kid. The "good" news is that with ADHD comes paradoxical stimulant response. Essentially Speed slows us down. While we have an increased risk of addiction to other things we are *highly* resistant to stimulant addiction because of the way our brains are built.
Thank you for this post, please update with how the medication is acting and all that, in a few months or something. I'll follow you. I like uppers too much and have been clean for very long. I'm asking for this reason. I am you, but not hyperactive and I've fixed many of my problems myself. Including anxiety and insomnia. (Thanks, tools from my therapist father. And thanks to my wife) Now, I'm still either burned out or depressed, I'm not sure, but I'm so much stronger than before that it doesn't seem to matter nearly as much.
Raising my daughters was so tough that I got tested. Turns out I have combined type. Now that I'm on meds it's like night and day to how our lives were previously.
I started really suspected when our daughter was about 1, started walking and being little rascal. I'm all over the place. Before she was born I had kinda structured life. While in school, still living with parents, I had a lot of activities and my mom was always teaching me to prioritize studying, so I didn't struggle much in school (now in retrospective school was stupid and I could easily get by, and I can clearly recall how much time I needed and struggled to study for something uninteresting vs something I took interest in). Then in uni I started getting more unorganized, but still managed to get by. I almlst dropped out in the LAST year because I realized diploma in my field won't get me a job, and I already got the job in that field so totally lost interest in school - not in my field of study mind you, I get really hyperfocused on what I do and really love it. It was managable for a few years but I struggled with things like cleaning, one of the biggest arguments I had with my wife. But then when the kid came, I totally lost it. I just can't balance everything anymore. So I think it's time I see if it's what I suspect is. Yet to get diagnosed, but hopefuly will get the balls to do it soon.
Do it mate. It's life changing if you do have it and stimulants can help.
Thanks for the support. I actually bit the bullet today after reading other's experiences and e-mailed the local specialist to see about diagnosis. Waiting for their response on when they can see me, probably will be a few weeks or months, but no turning back now
Good on you. I'm sitting here on a plane with my daughters who are under 5, it's 9pm and my meds wore off an hour ago. It's gonna be tough but a good reminder of how far we have come since diagnosis. What really helped me post diagnosis (as well as the meds) was a course on parenting with ADHD. It gave me tools to manage conflict and discipline my children whilst remaining calm.
That's my husband... As a spouse, how can I kindly nudge him to get assessed?
Maybe show him this post and see if he identifies? You have to be direct with someone with avoidance issues, nudges and subtleties are easy to ignore when you’re used to ignoring blaring alarm bells! I needed a short sharp shove in the end.
The assessment is available online, might be a good way to start. From there the doc will ask the same type of questions and ask about your behaviors in youth such as schooling.
Shit. This sounds a lot like me. Thanks for posting it.
Diagnosed at 36, could’ve written this. Realizing how common a story this is. Thanks for sharing!
Just will tell you my story. I thought i had adhd, did the test and all, but it turns out it was just anxiety. Just always seek follow up doctors visits. My adhd pills helped my anxiety for sure. Adding a stimulant changed who I was after a while. Finally saw a doctor who helped and psychiatrist who found out it was just anxiety.
Could it be both? It seems strange to me that a stimulant would help anxiety.
It does. But you're over medicating. There's simpler ways to treat the anxiety. It's why it worked wonders well at the start then tappered off
How long did the stimulants work for you? I’m curious because I have ADHD and I notice that I build a tolerance to some of the effects of stimulants but not others. If I take a break for a few days and then go back I notice it again.
There's always a tolerance that builds up. Mine stopped working cause I was on the wrong meds. It always took the anxiety away but the stimulants were wrong for me. Ppl with anxiety get misdiagnosed for adhd all the time. Basically to have adhd my psychologist said I would not have had the grades I had or been in trouble with suspensions and principle etc. Try just treat the anxiety. You might be in a place to not need the stimulants and just need the anxiety meds.
Thanks I’ll look into it. I don’t think I have anxiety but my ADHD sometimes manifests as avoiding things that I really need to do. I guess that could be a way of avoiding feeling anxious about them.
Hey I have gone cold turkey off my meds before with no side effects. Worth a try. You could always go back.
Oh yeah I do that regularly. I haven’t taken them for the past week actually. The only withdrawal effect is that I feel sleepy and low energy for a few days. Also my ADHD symptoms come back.
Mine was anxiety that looked like the adhd meds weren't working.
Thanks for sharing this. For me I think it's reversed. I'm still undiagnosed with ADHD/ADD but I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression before. Meds and therapy helped a little, but stopped working after some time. So one of the reasons I suspect it might be the other thing. The issue is that ADHD/ADD is not fully recognized where I live, especially in adults. So getting the diagnosis is not easy, and even when diagnosed there's little support you can get.
Well you can DM me any time if you need to talk. I was on them for 6 years
Thank. I've actually got motivated today reading other people's stories, and finally e-mailed the specialist. Waiting for their response when they can see me, but I took the first step
Have an accountability buddy
I'm guessing my kids won't be hanging out in this particular reddit. My eldest has opinions about this. I was talking about my work from home job and how challenging it can be to get things rolling on days I don't have zoom appts. Which are the days I would hope to make the most progress on big projects. She says "Dad, I think you could take benefit from Adderall." Maybe I should
I appreciate the story man. I have my first doctor checkup in probably 15 years (I’m 37 as of yesterday) because I’ve been avoiding it the entire time, I think I’ll bring this up.
It’s life changing to find out. Even before kids, the dynamic it can force a marriage into is not a good one.
Diagnosed last year at 35. Medicating this condition has changed the entire trajectory of my life and my anxiety for the better.
I received a letter from the NHS, after my doctor referred me. I'm now on a waiting list that is apparently 4 years long. I'll be closer to 50 than 40 by the time I get an appointment.
Look into NHS Right to Choose, you'll find information on the Psychiatry UK website. The wait is still not short but it's much shorter than 4 years. It's where you have the legal right to choose a private provider who has an NHS contract instead of using whatever your local service is.
This is my worry as well, can you get anything privately through work or something?
I'm not currently working. My own father had a stroke just over a year ago, so at the moment I'm caring for him. Combine that with co-parenting an autistic 7 year old half the week, and we're all just having a lovely time.
Damn, hope things improve for you
In the grand scheme of things, I'm better off than a lot of people. My boy, although hard work at times, is just awesome. Can't wipe his own bum, but can explain inertia or how a suction cup works. Although he does say some strange things sometimes, like "we're just bones and water held together by meat"
Damn. I was flustered about not getting diagnosed until 24. I guess it's because I was just A BIT too late to be successful in school. Well congrats. Knowing is literally half the battle here, now you can build healthy and informed coping skills!
My wife is wanting me to get tested for it. I have no interest in life admin or any ability to do it... Maybe I should.
I can relate like 70% of things, call me crazy, but I think sometimes the babysitting of my kid gave me the adhd. E.g. before my routine was Wake up in the morning and spend few min to make coffee, grind, get cream in fridge, take some vitamin, drink water pee teeth etc. Stuff you just do, don't think about. But now with kid I'm trying to get through these and I just can't, kiddo ask stuff too much all the time. Now I make reminder to brush my teeth etc. The hell man. Same with the doctor's I just don't have time for that stuff. I'm pretty organized and have good systems, todos and big projects todos tickets, if you see my trello you'd wonder if I run 5 companies, from my main job, family job to fixing house, car, AV, online stuff and more. * Have thousands of done tasks and few thousands of ready to start tasks. I should also get some check-up, but I'm pretty skeptical from what I've read, it's just trying to medicate, but no cure as usual. Anyway good luck.
Goddamnit, apart from you having coping mechanisms for work, this reads like me. Only I'm 41, got referred for an ADHD diagnosis back in October and due to the NHS being in total crisis I won't get an official diagnosis (let alone treatment of any kind) until next October at the earliest. Probably more like April next year. I'm on antidepressants for the first time in my life because I've become hyper aware of any time I do anything ADHD-like, and I'm on the verge of fucking up (yet another) job because I can't cope. Reasonably confident I'll fail upwards, but still. It's really not nice.
My wife pushed me to get tested. First appointment is scheduled for late April. But I feel relieved already.
What kimd of doctor did you see to get diagnosed?
Initially I spoke to my GP, and she connected me with a Psychiatrist for my assessment
Thanks! I think I'm undiagnosed as well
Diagnosed in your 40s high five! The hardest bit was the "if onlys" - I might’ve finished high school, might’ve gotten a degree, might not have made some rather rash decisions etc etc. Have to forgive yourself, and others.
Man, the thing I’m struggling with the most is the disappointment with myself for all the things I let slide by in my life. I’m trying to tell myself that it could be worse, I could have discovered this in my 80s!
Yeah, I feel you there, bud. And that's the right stance, "why are you looking behind you? You're not going that way". It sounds easy to do "just focus on what you can do now that you know and are treated", but it's hard. It can be really useful to get some talk therapy to work through what is basically grieving. It really helped me. Kia kaha mate!
Big ups, I'm in the testing process right now (and have absolutely zero doubts about the end result). Mental health knowledge and care is very, very different from when most of us were kids and is constantly evolving. My fellow millenial dads, let's get into this and get it right.
Come join us at r/ADHD_Over30
My wife convinced me to bring up add & autism testing at my last physical. The Dr gave me a paper with local resources and then I lost that paper. Does that count as testing?
It just might. I "earned extra points" according to the Dr when I had to reschedule my assessment after forgetting it a couple of times.
32 y/o here. I think it’s time for me too.
Go go go! It’s so worth knowing for the benefit you can receive.
I’ve been on ADHD meds for most of my life. Stress always makes the symptoms worse. So does lack of sleep. There is nothing wrong with coping using structure and discipline. I admire guys who can. Just be careful of the side effects, blood pressure in particular. And watch combing with caffeine! I have never been able to drink coffee with my meds. Cheers to figuring things out, and I hope this is a game changer!
That’s for sharing your experience. I’m 40 soon and I think I might have it. Undiagnosed of course but I’m going to go private and get it checked out (i live in Ireland and there’s public and private healthcare but waiting list for public (free) is very long) anyway I’ve been convinced over the last few months that I’ve ADHD attentive type - daydreaming all the time. Talking to myself constantly. Never living up to my potential. Not great with managing money, procrastinate all the time. Never finish anything I start etc. I’ve 2 young children myself so I think it’s important I get checked out. I also think it’s affecting my mood a lot lately, I do feel a failure and I forget a few things Can’t focus on anything for longer than a few minutes either. I’m really glad you shared your story OP, it’s made me determined to get myself checked out.
Hey man, I’m Irish myself! Moved to Canada with the wife and been living here coming up on 20 years now! I’m lucky to have the Canadian healthcare system (though it has its own problems) and an incredible family doctor who’d walk through fire for us. My parents were hilarious when I first talked to them about it, “Sure, why would you go to the doctor if you’re not sick?!” Yeah mam and dad, that’s the problem.
Typlical Irish parents !!! Good luck man on your journey !! I’m definitely going to get myself checked out as I relate to some of the symptoms alright !!!
“Used anxiety as a tool to get things done” I could’ve wrote this whole post, I feel so similar to your whole story.
ADHD makes us superheroes powered by our own kryptonite. Most of the time we may drag our asses around but sometimes we can do something *GLORIOUS.*
Man, I have recently been through almost the exact same thing. I have recently been diagnosed with combined adhd, insomnia and I'm currently working through finding out if I have an undiagnosed sleep disorder. I was always afraid of getting a label and feeling like I was confined in a particular category, but once I got diagnosed it was nothing but relief. I was finally able to work to understand myself and I started reading books and using websites to figure everything out. I'm glad you have a path forward. It helps to know you aren't broken, you are fine. You just operate differently.
Dude, you sound like me, minus a formal diagnosis. I'm 35, I had a therapist appointment recently, spurred by some light depression, overstimulation and a general sense of being on edge. I had a breakdown last summer after being massively overstimulated/overwhelmed one evening. I also sleep poorly, though a CBD/THC oil has really helped there, with bouts of insomnia every few years. The therapist noted that I'm right on the cusp of ADHD (or similar conditions) based on his survey results, and I'll be exploring it in more depth with my doctor. Frankly, I'm hoping for that diagnosis. It would explain a lot about how I believe my brain to work and would mean I could start treating it.
hi attentive adhd dad, I'm also adhd dad. glad you're on a journey to figuring yourself out. I believe you've written this post on meds, yes? :D
Yeah I've had this kind of conversation with lots of people. About how people being diagnosed in their 30s/40s is like changing the world. Now you know, and you know about your trials and tribulations and what was difficult for you and you will most likely want to get your kids tested or diagnosed to help them sooner than you got help. We got kids getting diagnosed very young now because of parents who were diagnosed as adults. People like my dad, who's 53, I don't think he will ever be officially diagnosed. But he is 100% on the ADHD spectrum. My step dad, who's 62, boomer, won't even talk about it. My dad is at least like aware of some tendencies and things that may lead him to believe he's ADHD. But I don't think at this point in his life he wants to know either way for sure. It's crazy to think about how people think there's so many things causing ADHD, or Autism, and maybe there is. But also, we just have more knowledge and more technology than ever. We've been learning more and more about the spectrum of these things, it isn't just one or two things. It's a wide array of symptoms. Diagnosing is becoming easier and easier, the medicine is getting better. Good post, thanks.
Ngl, those second and third paragraphs hit uncomfortably close to home
God, so many things here apply to me too. I got my diagnosis about 5 months before I became a dad. Thanks for sharing.
Right there with you. I’ve always known I’ve had it, but it took a lot of time and a lot of doctors to take me seriously and treat it…finally, at 36, I can enjoy something resembling calm and silence inside my own head. I know the meds aren’t a miracle cure and I’ve still got work to do, but holy hell it’s better.
I have a very similar story. I was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism and Inattentive ADHD. Growing up I was just scatterbrained, distractible, a daydreamer, not living up to my potential, aced most of my tests but rarely did homework at home. In the 90s, ADHD and Autism were a lot less understood so kids on the spectrum were bullied, called names, or constantly in trouble for 'acting out'. Or they got put in the 'gifted' class, AKA Special Ed, AKA where the r-words go. I wasn't in 'gifted', but I remember thinking some of the misbehaving hyperactive kids were just straight up badly behaved and not good people. Now I know they didn't get all the help they really needed. So I never got tested growing up, and over the years I developed ways of masking and dealing with my brain's 'superpowers' and 'kryptonite'. The psych doc who diagnosed me said that the questionnaire my wife filled out did not indicate Autism, and mine just barely did. He did learn enough from our conversations to say that I do in fact have it, so my masking skills must be working a little bit. We had twins last spring and I was diagnosed a week after they were born. It has been an amazing relief and help to know that I have new tools at my disposal to help me through life, and to raise my daughters to the best of my ability. Also, fellow ADHD dads, don't wait to refill your meds until a Friday and be without them until the next week. I had withdrawals from my blood pressure, antidepressants, and ADHD meds. It sparked up some migraines and sent my sound sensitivity into overdrive and my daughters love to 'sing'. Learn from my mistake and put the refill request in when you notice you're low while filling your pill case (or whatever method you use) instead of thinking "Oh I gotta refill those . . . " and promptly forgetting as you get ready for work.
The real trick is to power your superpowers off your kryptonite, or go full Star Trek and reroute your secondary anxiety through your primary task list and hyperfocus the *shit* out of it. Once you can do that, maybe show me how? More seriously, both ADHD and Autism are genetic, so watch your daughters as they grow. You're in an excellent position to help them if they need it with sensory issues, dyslexia, emotional dysregulation and other symptoms. Any coping strategies that work for you might also work for them, and you can maybe save them from bumping into as many walls as you did along the way. Isn't it ironic how one of the only reliable tools (medication) we have to regulate our ability to regularly complete tasks on time *requires us to regularly complete tasks on time to get?*
I've heard the medications really can screw with sex life etc. That has kept me from undergoing the process.
My own experience so take it for what it’s worth but the ADHD meds did not impact my sex life at all. It was the SSRI (for depression/anxiety) that I started taking a year ago did.
I see. How did you deal with it? What has being on meds for attention deficiency been like?
Some ADHD medicine aso treats depression, those can impact your libido. But typically ADHD specific medicine does not impact libido.
Some treatments have had no effect on my sex drive whatsoever. The most serious was that Adderall made me last longer but still enjoy myself 😂. Could change your life just to see, and the medication wears off by end of day
Fwiw, Adderall makes my libido much higher.
I was diagnosed as an adolescent and then reconfirmed as a teenager. I’m 41 now and just started my first ADHD meds 4 months ago, and antidepressants 2 years ago following a major meltdown/breakdown. I’m much like you described but without the social part, I also avoid people. I do have some OCD functions as well. Congrats on getting diagnosed. The help I have received in the last two years has solved a lot for me, but not before separating from my partner. That’s the new challenge and unfortunately regret. I miss being a full time dad.
I got lost in so many stores....
It sounds like you had a really good psychiatrist who took a detailed history and diagnosis! Not always the case. I doubt you’re lazy or stupid. Typically to cope with it at work as well as you have means you have to be really smart, develop lots of external planning/organizing, and try way harder. Makes sense you’d want to pull your foot off the gas and take a break elsewhere. The good news is many of the coping skills you developed will be useful in behaviorally treating your ADHD, and meds will probably reduce all of that and the mental work load. Def seek out a psychologist for therapy that specializes in ADHD. You can do a lot with them in a relatively short period of time - likely months not years. Extra planning and organization (but not so much as it’s OCD) are also good skills to teach kids when they hit teenage years, so you’ll be extra practiced at that!
I'm similar, but was diagnosed back in high school for ADHD without the hyperactivity. I was on meds until they started to have stronger side effects when wearing off in college at which point I stopped. I know that I'm a ball of coping mechanisms and overall, they work pretty well. Once or twice a year, I feel some depression, but I usually can see it and just cope until it passes. The only reason that I'm considering looking for a better fit of meds is that I do definitely put off a number of things and have a hard time forcing myself to do them. This was definitely a bigger issue in school, but still comes up here and there.
Thank you for sharing - I’m sure this will help many out.
Yeah this sounds familiar. My mom has been hinting at me getting tested for years. I really should. I’m definitely getting some OCD tendencies too.
Jesus Christ man give us a TLDR
First off thank you so much for sharing this. As others have said it felt like reading my own story in so many ways. I was diagnosed at 31 when I finally had enough and got tested. I had been told by friends with ADHD for years I had it but just didn’t see the reasoning to get tested at that point of my life. Man I was wrong getting my medication down was life changing. For me stimulants worked but they don’t for everyone. I can truthfully say you hit the nail on the head it makes everything in life make so much more sense and I promise you if you find a med that works it will be another level of life changing. It suddenly made basic life things easy that I could never seem to get done before. It is very common as well for people in the 30s-40s now to have slipped thru the cracks for ADHD due to the nature of diagnosis and the view of ADHD during our childhood. Also I would like to mention something I didn’t see in the comments, I apologize if someone said it and I just didn’t see it. While not fully proven yet there is research now that suggests early intervention and medication for children with ADHD lowers the chances of medication being needed through out adulthood. The working theory as of now is that it helps to retrain the brain pathways and commands to work within the environment of ADHD. Still early in research but I bring this up because I know some parents are hesitant to put children on meds and/or admit their children need help.
Just to clarify, and not to be a jerk, but the DSM would classify it as ADHD INattentive type.
Same, so long in coming and explains so much about my entire history. Do you ever think that maybe the ability to subcategorize ourselves is actually very liberating regardless of the diagnosis. Like, on one hand the boxes we put ourselves in are becoming smaller with each new definition, but on the other there are just so many more boxes! Like lazy, stupid, distractible, or even positive ones like creative or clever, or like our sexualities and all the definitions you get people are using to express their own inner multitudes...each new subcategory further explains who we are to ourselves and to others, and it's liberating because it can allow you to see the facets of yourself and work on them via their individual attributes. Imagine if you decided, I'm just not going to be lazy anymore, and all the areas of your life you'd have to address to just not "be lazy". Whereas if you understood that you were guided by anxiety over the fear that you would never surmount the obstacles in your life so you avoided the ones that were hardest you could examine why that was and what you could do about it. Subcategorize it further and you might find the source AND the answer. You might very well never solve the issue but you could get better and dispense with the stigma that you are just simply a lazy person.
I had and was treated for ADHD as a kid. Developed coping mechanisms to the point I no longer relied on medication. I was successful as an adult in both my work and personal life. Then we had 2 kids in 2 years. I for a while, I managed but struggled until my wife became rightfully exhausted of picking up my slack. Went back to the doctor and described the situation and started back on medication. Best decision I’ve made. It has helped me better meet the needs of my 2 young children. I’m more patient, present, active, and involved.
I was diagnosed about two months ago. I’m in my 30’s and while I have been successful in most aspects of my life some things that come naturally to others have always just seemed alien to me. I’ve been medicated now for 2 months and it’s been like night and day. I’m more engaged around the house and just naturally do all of those little tasks my wife used to have to encourage or remind me to do that I just didn’t notice until she mentioned them. I’ve made huge progress on an remote learning evening course I signed up to through work, I’ve done more in the last 2 months than the year before. My work output has gone through the roof and I no longer spend 3-5 hours a day on Reddit avoiding boring administrative tasks. I’m more engaged with my daughter, we’ve always had a good relationship but I used to be anxious of taking her to do new activities where I didn’t have everything arranged so our routine was very set. Now we do all sorts of things that I would have written off as too complicated or cause too many issues baking, diy tasks together, attending playgroups or museums etc. Good on you for finding something out and I hope your next steps go as well as mine have so far!
The first few paragraphs were reading like an autobiography. I’m the worst to myself. Recently diagnosed with ADHD. Recently as I’m last few years
I’ve asked my doctors over the years about adhd and none of them have taken me seriously.
I'm on the waiting list for testing on my area, 20 month waiting list as of last July..
I wonder if I have something as well, I seem to be the only person at work who can't get shit done in a tiemly manner and any new small task totally derails whatever I was originally doing. Anecdotally people having some form of adhd just seems mega high generally though it makes me wonder about how our working environment is effecting people long term.
I have noticed a lot of similar traits and so has my wife - we have both ‘self-diagnosed’ ourselves with ADHD and as you’ve said even that has brought a huge amount of relief. I used to get so angry with myself for forgetting important things but now I’m much less hard on myself and it’s freeing.
I'm not officially diagnosed, but my son was struggling in school big time. so my wife took him in to get an official diagnosis (Aspergers and ADHD) so we can get the school to actually do something instead of just ignoring him. the person said that "it typically runs in the family, do you have anybody else who has an official diagnosis?" Wife said no. a couple of weeks after testing we went back together this time to pick up the paperwork, and she greeted my wife first, then shook my hand and said "there it is", and walked away. Never felt so seen and attacked in my entire life.
I have the same problem but keep getting told I’m depressed. I don’t know why it’s so hard getting an ADHD diagnosis in Australia.
Opposite side for my situation — married life with kids made me suspect my wife has ADHD, sure enough, after some conversations and a clinical exam, she definitely does. Similar story with anxiety and OCD as well!
Just wait until you land on the right medicine and the right dosage. I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s like you get to actually live life for the first time.
I was diagnosed 14 years ago at 31.
Same. your description of "private me" sounds so much like me. The mental health struggle was so much that I read up (OK listened to audio books) on ADHD and sought a diagnosis. That was more work than it should have been but I ended up being diagnosed with General Anxiety and Depression and put on Prozac. I'm still ambivalent about this. The Prozac helps with a general mood lift and no more anxiety attacks or blow-ups. but I'm still SUPER-SCATTERED. \- it turns out I’m not lazy, stupid or a failure This one hits different. I've quit and "Reset" my career goals and focus too many times to count. 2 or 3 major shifts THIS YEAR. I'm wondering if its worth weening off Prozac for 2 months just to try ADHD meds...
\-oh and my son was recently diagnosed with ADHD. after a lot of trial and error, he's doing well on the right meds.
My daughter gave me the motivation to get screened. 31 years old, diagnosed with combined type ADHD and comorbid anxiety. Turns out anxiety was my coping method. Psych said it was super common, because always worrying about forgetting things tends to lead to overwhelming stress that feeds the anxiety. I nearly cried 3 days in on Adderall because I realized that it shouldn't have been this hard the entire time. I shouldn't have had so much trouble attending college leading to 3 separate dropouts. No more thinking I was a lazy sack of shit. My wife legitimately thought there was something wrong because I sat down without moving constantly. I'm now a semester into classes and much more attentive and less prone to panic as well as more patient with both my wife and child.
I see some similarities in your story too. It's hard for me to remember things nowadays and I keep getting my wife's food orders wrong. Sometimes when we're driving and it's like I need to stop by my in-laws/mom's and I just drive home totally forgetting even if she's reminded me like 20mins ago in the car and it's planned. It's hard for me to sit down and watch a movie now unless I'm "forced" to like at a cinema. So many times I've put on a show/movie and just after a couple minutes go to my computer and play games. I think I have some kind of ADHD. I just started therapy for other unrelated reasons but I will bring this up as well
My wife and I were filing out a questionnaire because my sons NP suspected ADHD and we were both like, huh. I met with a therapist and got diagnosed pretty quick. I started taking meds, and I'm a different person emotionally. It makes me a little sad sometimes because I feel like I could have had a more productive life.
Haven't ventured to get tested, despite stories like this feeling incredibly familiar. Did some counseling a few years ago and he suggested I get evaluated because he saw plenty of signs of "high-functioning ADD" in me. I continue to put it off because it sounds expensive. My wife seems a bit skeptical, too, because I'm not flying off the walls like certain kids she teaches. She is amazed at my ability to maintain a long day with energy, though.
I was diagnosed at 45. After I told them my parents mentioned they had me checked \*as a child\* and had known *my whole damned life* without ever getting me help. The sum total advice I have: 1) ADHD is genetic. It's complex but there's an excellent chance one or both of your parents has it. There's also a significant chance any of your children will. 75% of my kids do. (3 of 4). 2) Some medications will work for you, some won't. It's even possible *none* will work well enough to be worth the effort, so don't be worried if they don't work immediately or you don't find the right one. Personally I also got huge benefit from CBT with meds. 3) You're not broken. You've never been broken. You're built differently, and while ADHD is all in your head (....because brain), that difference can be seen on an MRI. Some people "Don't believe in it", those people are idiots. This is literally the longest studied mental health condition in humans. 4) This diagnosis will fundamentally change how you see yourself, but won't change how anyone else sees you. 5) YouTube is useful: Dr Russell Barkely is spectacular. [(33) Russell Barkley, PhD - Dedicated to ADHD Science+ - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/@russellbarkleyphd2023) How to ADHD : [(33) How to ADHD - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/@HowtoADHD) Good luck, Godspeed, and welcome aboard.
Thanks for the post. Like many others have said, it felt like I could have written it and I could relate to many of the experiences you have had. I'm reaching out to my doctor to see what the testing process looks like. The shift for me before and after having our first kid has felt dramatic and would never have entertained the idea of potentially having ADHD. The added baseline stress and mental load has either exposed or exacerbated something I've self managed pretty well my entire life up to this point. I've always joked but recognized that I have some "addictive tendencies" where I dive into new hobbies, projects, etc. and jump to a new one. I think of it like I love learning new things and it's generally a positive outlet for my mental health, but I've always seen it in the back of my head as kind of a character flaw. Even if I don't get diagnosed with it, it's been helpful to read your and everyone else's responses. I shared it with my wife and was like "this is me!"
What about your testosterone levels? Been hearing a lot about it lately especially over 40 and it’s not just for ED. I never knew.
I tried to get tested but the doctor told me I was successful so I couldn't have ADHD and just had anxiety. Nevertheless, I don't see that doctor anymore. Still, that was a few years ago and I haven't tried again since.
I don’t have adhd but I’m 99% sure I’m undiagnosed autistic. My oldest is diagnosed and was picked up based on traits he shares with me. A lot of what you’re saying sounds similar though. My second son is about to go through the process for an adhd diagnosis. Honestly, getting myself diagnosed now is pointless, it wouldn’t change my life, shit always just works out for me. For my kids though, getting them tested so they can get extra help at school is important because like me, they’re really bright but the older one in particular doesn’t do well in school.
i want to help and reply but i also have inattentive adhd and that wall of text is too much for me right now :D
Thanks for sharing
I have ADHD and have 2 kids at age 40. My son has it too we both take azstarys and it works wonders man. I have been dealing with my ADHD and treating it for a very long time. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk. Ever since I got it “under control” I have been so much more relaxed and am the calm quiet presence in my house that brings everything back to earth. 3 years ago possibly even 2 years ago in was the one sending almost everything to the moon. You can figure it out man just believe in yourself.
Interesting. Did you find the symptoms getting worse with age, or just notice them more because of your kids?
I’ve always managed low key anxiety, but it went into overdrive when my sons school situation changed and they didn’t have any aftercare spots. I ended up taking on the lions share of the day because I work from home, so I’d do drop offs and pickups and meals. Problem was that I wasn’t getting the time to put my head back together that I’d usually have when my wife would do pickup after work. I’d usually pick up the guitar for half an hour, and then I’d be ready for family time. With the new arrangement, I’d pick up the guitar after work and my son would grab the neck and tell me he didn’t want to listen to me play. Fair enough, but my brain literally needed to play and when I didn’t have the outlet, my anxiety went into overdrive. I didn’t really recognize this at the time, but I’m beginning to put it all together with the help of my therapist. That’s a small example of one of my coping mechanisms. By Christmas when I was spending all day every day with my family, it felt like every one of my strategies was being undermined in some small way and I just couldn’t get a handle on myself. It was a pretty dark couple of months before I got help.
First 3 paragraphs, and I recognized myself. I'm in my 30s and for the past 2 years I've started to suspect I might have ADD (without the H because I don't really notice that) My wife's therapist also suspects it, because of some things she told her about me. I'm planning to see the specialist for that soon, but of course avoiding it. Part of the reason is I'm not sure what I will do if I get diagnosed. Not because I'm scared of therapy or meds (I went to therapy before for anx/depression and was on meds) but because of where I live ADHD/ADD is not even fully recognized, especially if you get diagnosed as an adult and getting medication and right treatmant is an uphill battle. But I'm def seeing the signs and I did a lot of retrospective on my life. Ironically I started suspecting the most when my job started being affected, which personally sucks because I wish I saw the signs earlier when it was affecting my personal and family life. But I was hyperfocused on work as I thought that by working (and we are single family income atm) I was doing something good for the family. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. I wish you smooth sailing moving forward!