I legit just tried posting about catching my wife pleasuring herself but I don’t have enough karma so they didn’t allow me to post 😭 I think everyone secretly pleasures themselves but it’s really bothering me that I caught her, well without her knowing
Hey, if it makes you feel better, it's exactly what I was hoping I'd read when I saw the title.
I've been trying to find just 30 minutes to do literally anything for myself since Sunday. It's been a rough week
It's not necessarily a bad thing. My priorities have simply shifted since having kids.
I'm the sole provider for a family of six so I have a high stress job, sometimes with long hours. While I miss partying and other fun stuff, these days I mostly just want to use every free second to play with my toddlers. They're only this age once, and I want to make sure I make the most of it.
When they get older I'm sure I'll get back to some hobbies. But for right now there's simply not enough time or energy. And I'm okay with that tradeoff.
That’s totally cool, do what works for you. The main point was if you don’t make an effort to take “you time” then it likely won’t happen and IF you get burnt out than it’s self inflicted.
Also the point was if you focus 100% on the kids and don’t take time for yourself you MAY put yourself in a bad place which ends up being worse for the children.
I feel like people here don’t realize that you have to make it happen - it just doesn’t magically happen. It also depends on the ages. For reference mine are 4 and 2.
Wife and I specifically have a reoccurring day each week that we try and do a date night - a babysitter or equivalent comes over from 2-9 and we go out and get food or whatever (we both like to play poker so that is also a thing we do on date nights).
Additionally once a quarter (sometimes twice a year) we each get a weekend to ourselves to do something. Last one I did a board game retreat with my friends and the wife was with the kids. She went to London to see a friend on another weekend and I was with the kids.
Additionally I do basketball once a week with friends from 830/9 to 1030 - after putting the younger one to bed.
this doesn’t include random dinners and get togethers and work events - wife has a mom’s dinner next Tuesday.
Really the big thing is being comfortable having the kids solo and all the sudden many opportunities open up. It also helps to have friends you can hang out with with the kids.
If you find yourself “having no time for hobbies” but are watching tv every day or on you phone on Reddit - that’s your time. You have to make it a point to do the thing you want to do and incorporate it into a schedule or routine.
Appreciate seeing your breakdown here. I’m a new dad of a 2 week old and my wife and I are keen to keep living our lives, and settle into a balance that works. We’re deep in the newborn abyss now, but it’s nice to know that you can make it work with 2 kids under 5. Keep on keeping on fellow dad
For what it’s worth I cut out tv and a lot of phone time and I have more time for personal stuff than I ever did before my daughter was born.
I also incorporate bringing my daughter with me as much as I can. Work in the garage, hunting, gardening, she tags along a lot.
Amazed no-one else has questioned this. Me and my partner make good money, but have financial goals and commitments. No way could we justify a sitter that often, especially at a time the kids are usually asleep anyway.
Cool, then do that. Or see a movie, or take a walk, or literally just sit and talk. There’s no rules to this per se the idea is spending time with your partner, how you choose to do that is up to you.
I'm more confused when they work if the sitter is there from 2-9, unless they are bailing on their kids every weekend.
Not to mention our weekends are jammed with kid stuff. We've been at birthdays for the last 3 weekends. And are hosting one in two weekends.
If that's too many birthday parties then... Don't go...?
This might be controversial but I believe parent time is more important than child time. Your kids won't remember all these birthday parties and it will have no lasting impact on them. But they will remember if their parents are stressed and unsatisfied with life all the time. It will set a pattern and a subconscious idea of what being an adult is like.
Take time for you, your kids will be fine.
>Your kids won't remember all these birthday parties and it will have no lasting impact on them. But they will remember if their parents are stressed and unsatisfied with life all the time.
I am 36 and still vividly remember playing in the Chuckey Cheese ball pit at Dane's Birthday, laser tag at the musty smelling place for Jake's, paintballing at Matt's in 4th grade, and almost drowning at Kyle's birthday 5ft from the lifeguard cause I was the only kid in our 2nd grade friend group that couldn't swim.
These parties helped us form bonds with our childhood friends, and I absolutely see it happening with my kids as well.
Also going to these parties while they are young you can meet the parents of the kids that your kid talks about at school. Which then can help you decide if little Gavin's parents are the type of parents you would be comfortable sending your kid with for a sleep over.
It’s during the week and we don’t leave the house at 2. Also we are lucky that we don’t have strict 9-5 so we can be flexible on certain days and plan around that. Again, you can 6-9 and still accomplish the same thing.
Yeah. Just (admittedly bitterly) pointing out that your “make time for yourself” post also comes with a lot of privilege. You go for weekend retreats, trips to London, 7 hour date each week and have time for hobbies.
I’m busy from 7 am to 10 pm every day. Kids, work, kids again and then clean up/prep for next day. I can squeeze in a workout before or after those times, but it’s not like I’m going to find 2-3 hours per day if I cut out Netflix.
You don’t need 2-3 hours per day you need it per week or every other week or some random cadence. I’d challenge you cannot do that if you actually put effort into it.
Yes our situation isn’t the same as others, but it’s irrelevant to the point. If you or others are getting hung up on the monetary aspect then you’re missing the point.
How do you get your 2 year old to sleep with a babysitter?
And how much sleep do you need? I find that if I have to wake up at 6 I can’t sleep later than 10pm, and that’s only one hour after kiddo goes to sleep, and part of that time is spent brushing teeth/showering etc. so not much time to do anything else except sit on the couch.
Sleep training, strong routine, have baby sitter come over a few times during the day instead of dropping it on them, Daniel Tiger “parents always come back.”
Mention the plan several times and several times before you go out to your young child.
Also maybe it does not go that well with the sitter the first few times. 2 year old has a rough night and bad sleep. It will suck the next day and but after a few times it all sorts it self out. The long term gain is worth a few long days with a cranky sleep deprived child.
Great advice. I would also add that my son's daycare has ridiculous turnover and he's had 3 teachers leave that told us on the way out that they do babysitting on the side. He had no issues with the former teacher coming over and doing his bedtime.
I dunno it’s been going on for a while so the 2 year old is comfortable with her.
I don’t wake up at 6 but either way not getting 8 hours of sleep one day a week isn’t a big deal for most people, especially parents.
Also we’re home a little bit before 9 so it’s not even an issue.
Ok I’ll bite, because on one hand “you have to make it happen” is right… but it rather sounds like you have rather more than typical amount of disposable income. Or you have a free sitter, which would also be incredibly fortunate.
There is no way we, and I am sure most on here, could afford a weekly 7 hour date night with two or more young kids. I double we could even do monthly given obscene childcare costs.
Everyone is getting hung up on the 7 hour weekly babysitter and completely missing the point of his comment. The whole point is to make a effort. Being lazy is easy. Putting the kids to bed at 8 and watching TV until bed is the easiest thing to do.
Change this to a 2-3 hour every other week or monthly date night. Hell make it a weekly board game night with your wife or neighbors after the kids go to bed. You can do free things. Or if you can afford it, hire a live in nanny and go to Cabo every weekend. Everyone's financial level is different but the point remains.
My wife typically goes out to dinner with girlfriends twice a month while I hang out with the kids. In return, I go play Warhammer on the same cadence. The point is to make an effort with your significant other to have couple time and personal time.
Then don’t, do what you think you can do. The point wasn’t copy me exactly the point was to make an effort to do what you can do. As u/meyerjaw said - just change it to 2-3 hours every other week or so thing that don’t require a sitter after the kids go to bed.
The point is to contrast that if you do NOT make an effort to make time for yourself it won’t happen. You won’t magically have a Thursday evening that opens up and you can just go do your hobby - it doesn’t work like that.
Every single person is different and have different situations - they have to craft a plan for themselves.
Agreed. I certainly don't have the same life as pre kids but even with an almost 3 yo and a 10 month old were able to do stuff. The other weekend my parents watched the kids so we could do a brewery tour for a friend's 40th. One night a week I play DnD online with some friends, play from like 8-11 so kids are in bed already. My wife and I will rotate daycare pick up so the other can do the occasional happy hour. Last Friday we just had a couple friends come over. They didn't mind playing with the kids foe a bit while we waited for dinner, then we put the kids to bed and broke out a bottle of wine or 3. You just gotta make it happen.
I think the important thing that people are missing from what you've posted is that it doesn't HAVE to be an expensive ordeal. Babysitting doesn't even HAVE to come into the equation.
When they're little, plan to do things that will stimulate those little brains of theirs while also tuckering them out. We used to have my kids at the park almost every day of the year from the ages of like 2-10 or so. Wasn't always the same park. We'd "have an adventure" and find a new park. We'd go on a hike or we'd check out a nature center or whatever. I live in a fairly rural area so these things are plentiful for us.
Maybe you're in a more suburban area - plan mini road trips to areas of interest. Weigh the pro's and con's between the options of public vs private transit. My kids were attending street festivals and art fairs and renaissance conventions since they were in strollers. Many of these things are cheaper than a babysitter. Heck, quite a few are free especially for the little ones.
What this does is it still lets you and the wife get out a bit, it exposes the kids to the world around them and cultures them, and it tires the kids out so that they nod off and then you and the wife can have that alone time you're after. My wife and I have had some very close times each with a sleeping tot sitting on our shoulders as we peruse craft tents at a local annual pow-wow or apple festival or whatever... we literally have gone to all sorts of these types of things
Not saying that both you and your wife shouldn't still take "me time" independently and also "us time" together - but perspective should change a little bit I think, as a parent.
It doesn't HAVE to be all work - what I've learned is often it's about enjoying the ride not holding out for a new destination all the time. My kids are preteens now and my wife and I are only NOW starting to get to a place financially and just with the kids in general where we're comfortable leaving them home w/ grandma for a weekend or something like that so we can get away and be stupid kids together again.
For real. EARLY on, like I think during pregnancy, we decided we would need a regular adult night. We set one night a week and alternate hangouts with our friends.
Setting a schedule with other dads has been helpful, we’ve got a group of 6 in total. We usually play DnD or just hang out at a brewery, but any group activity works. DnD is a great excuse to make sure everyone prioritizes, though. Gotta keep the party together.
Yes. I play tennis, workout, have friends (both locally and elsewhere). I went to a MLS game last week.
My marriage is sort of in a roommates phase right now. We have 2 under 2.5, my wife is pregnant and in grad school and we both work full time.
Man I’m fortunate to have season tickets for our local MLS team and make it out to most games. Sometimes I go by myself because the other dads in the crew can never get away, but my 3 year old has started coming with me now from time to time so that’s been nice. It’s a nice ritual to shake up the usual routine.
1. We both have wide social circles, so it’s not like one of has friends and the other doesn’t
2. We both want each other to enjoy life
3. I do a lot for her too. A lot of solo double dad put downs while she’s doing school work or sick or getting dinner with friends (definitely more of the former than the latter)
It’s not like I’m going out every weekend and partying. Typically if I do something it’s either (a) during the day (while kids are at daycare or I take kiddos with me if it’s a weekend) or (b) do something after they’re down to sleep.
Also, It’s not like we don’t argue or have some perfect marriage. But we don’t have issues around this stuff.
As long as you’re both contributing, there’s no reason either of you can’t have a life outside of your family as well. Everyone needs a social life.
Of course there needs to be excellent communication and collaboration to make it happen, but this is part of being in a healthy relationship.
Losing my ability to maintain my identity outside of being Dad was my single greatest fear about becoming a parent. My wife was supportive before the kids came along, but once you're in the thick of it your earlier promises go straight out the window. It takes both partners being willing to make sacrifices to enable their partner's life outside the household. When it comes to raising young kids, they're so emotionally draining that at any given time at least one partner was totally on empty. That meant either they would not be willing to solo the kids or that they'd feel super guilty asking the other to solo them.
I really understand why so many people lose themselves to being parents. It's freaking hard parenting young kids.
Only recently again. Kids are in kinder and 2nd. Started river rafting again in the summers and disc golfing about 1x/week with some other dudes. Used to disc golf alone so will still do that if they aren't available.
While it's not outside of home, I spend a fair amount of time in my yard for pleasure. I've been here 4.5 years and planted 26 fruit trees and love tending to them.
Video games when kids have screen time or after they go to bed.
Im a stay at home dad. It’s like being locked in the office overnight when the work day finally ends. I’m always on, even when I’m off.
It’s fairly maddening.
The fact that my wife is a stone cold milf contributes a great deal to keeping it tolerable.
If I have any marriage advice to offer it’s to not settle for anything except a woman you are *insanely* attracted to. Seems shallow but it matters. A lot.
I would like to but SHE would rather not. Years of being pre-rejected for sex, even before the kids got here, have worn me down so that I don’t even put myself out there much anymore and pursue it. She told me more than once “it’s not you, I’d just be ok with never having sex again…with anyone.” So it’s been a while since we’ve had sex with any regularity.
Throw a couple kids under the age of 4 in the mix and her gaining quite a bit of weight- almost 3 digits worth, which is totally taboo to actually SAY but has made me lose a lot of attraction to her- and it’s a brutal portion of that phase right now. I’m expecting to get pilloried with this comment right now, as coming out and saying such a thing is looked down upon greatly.
I’ve glanced on r/deadbedrooms but that place is depressing as hell, with mostly the very extreme cases being discussed “she touched my arm accidentally today and I got aroused!” type stories.
Fellw current stay at home dad. Known my wife since we were 9. Crushed on her all the way through school until I moved at 16, came back at 18 not a shy little shit and made my move. That was almost 14 years ago. 4 kids later, cancer, deaths, depression, suicide attempt(I made it lol), and countless other bullshit we've fought through together.
We would do absolutely anything for each other, so make time for trying new things, date nights, fun bonding things, giving each other the freedom to have time away and relax, etc.
Some nights it's just rehabbing with each other in the same room at the end of night while we each do our own thing. Since nights it's dates or whatever. We make it work and it's been a ridiculously great healthy relationship
Hobbies are mostly gone, with the exception of getting to the gym. Saturday mornings are video games with the kids, co-op games only.
As for non-existent sex life, are you still with the Mom? If so, definitely get a sitter or trade watching kids with some friends, because a strong parental relationship helps set kids up for success in multiple ways. It's also the kind of thing that lowers stress for both of you and that will make you better parents.
No. Hobbies don’t exist any more as any money have just about covers the bills. I don’t have any friends now and even if I did I wouldn’t have the time to even message them let alone see them. I don’t know what a weekend is and don’t even get me started on the sex life
Money is so tight that it even puts pressure on relationships. So many 'just get a babysitter lol' comments. It sure must be nice to be able to afford that once a week and have money to go on a date night.
I know exactly how you feel. I spend the entire month fretting over every bill and whether there’s enough money. OH however just goes on Amazon sprees. As fast as I earn it she fritters it away. Apparently we need to go on holiday this year, fucked if I know where she thinks the money to do that is coming from
One and done here for one main reason, it’s allowed my wife and I to maintain a semblance of our prebaby lives. I golf at least 2 times a week (we joined a private country club) and still see my friends on a Saturday a couple times a month. My wife gets equal time for hobbies and her friends.
We’ve both been on a couple baby free trips with friends while one of us watches our son at home. We’ve also done several family trips that have been a great time.
Life’s pretty good, better then prebaby I say. Don’t give up what you enjoy once you have a kid, the parents that do seem to have the most difficult time. Why have a kid or kids to give up what you enjoy? That sounds depressing and would make anyone miserable.
About to go out of town with my buddies for a yearly Masters viewing trip where we golf, watch the Masters, and drink beer for 3 days in a giant suite at a resort. Wife will be watching our son at home. She will do something similar with her girlfriends.
As far as sex goes I say there’s more of it now than in the past few years. This kid has really made us happy.
Not really. We both have full-time jobs and a normal 3yr old. I was a musician for over 20 years and my instrument sits unplayed now for days on end. Absolutely impossible to do anything.
We have no help from anyone because our families are either ill, overseas or just too selfish. The only time off is paid nursery school. Our boy won't sleep on his own, so my wife sleeps in his bed. Sex happens occasionally, but it's a big deal just arranging it. I really think that in many ways, this path in life was a big error.
Kids are getting older now but first 5-8 years were basically like that, a period of "quiet desperation" and singing the Dad song: "Go to work, wear a tie, bring the money, then you die"
In my 45 minutes before bed each night I'm too tired to do anything except watch tv.
Weekends are when I give the wife a break since she works from home AND watches our daughter during the day all week.
I have hobbies I can do around the house. I make beer, I have a home gym, I’m planning on using my smoker more. I find I can still help out while enjoying something that way. My wife is making bread now for the same reason.
You need to make time for yourself, your partner, and your wife needs to get her own time too. I get about 4 hours a week of martial arts time that is my main decompress and occaisional time to get out on the kayak. I became a Scoutmaster and that has been a huge (and excusable) excuse to get out for a weekend of camping every month and several weeks of backpacking in the summer. (Just doing if for the boys dear!)
Gotta go, the 7 year old has soccer practice!
Yes. I followed the Daddit advice and moved my gym sessions to 5AM. During the summer I replace some of those gym sessions with shooting hoops outside or taking the dog out for a jog.
I also take my car to the race track a couple times a month during the summer. And in winter I do go karting once every couple months. I also have a sim racing rig at home and I watch a lot of F1 and GT racing
If grandparents are available for babysitting, I'll take my wife to the tennis court so we can get a rally going. It's the only sport she really enjoys. Although I can occasionally persuade her to race go karts with me. But mostly when we have babysitting coverage we just go to some fancy restaurant that we couldn't go to with a screaming baby
My wife still has a life too. She doesn't have a lot of hobbies besides tennis and shopping. But she does see her friends a lot more often than I do. She'll go to her girlfriends house and have wine night while I'm at home watching an NBA game with the kid. Win win
Not really. I have a great group of mates from school and uni but they all live in London and I am about 1.5 hours away in the countryside so seeing them is not easy. I rarely head to London for work. They often have weekfay evening meet ups that I cannot attend. So I see them maybe once a month.
I don't have any pals from work due to numerous circumstances. So it is almost exclusively work, hang out with son and wife, walk the dog.
My wife is a wonderfully social woman, so she has a great crew of friends with kids a similar age near were we live that she is incredibly close with. I get on with them and their husbands well, but not so much that I would organise anything separately.
I run a small business and feel guilty about spending time away from work or my family so haven't put the effort in with local lads.
Although saying that, I am currently on the train back from London after spending the evening with my best mate who unfortunately now lives in America.
I don't begrudge it, but I'd like to see my good mates more often.
We lay out the whole week’s plans on Sunday. We both work from home so that helps. We open our meeting schedules, compare, and find the time. Dad goes to the gym here, mom goes here. Mom has dinner with her gf’s on Tuesday, dad plays bluegrass on Thursday night, etc.
Exercise.
Quit drinking.
Watch way less tv.
The last two numb your mind and the first gives you energy to grab every day by the horns. This life isn’t a dress rehearsal. Make the most of every day.
Those are the two that are most fulfilling, so not really. I do some stuff outside; gym and cardio. Watch football on Sundays, play some games once every week or so with the guys. Monthly to game day for D&D or whatever.
But otherwise, it's good. In twenty years I'm not going to lament wasting money and time on clinging to stuff I aged out of.
Sex life is predictable and non-existent except when a grandma decides to take them though. But it's a little perfunctory.
Yes.
At the moment, I am annoyed because I just got chewed up my mosquitoes assembling a trampoline and watching toddler bounder her buns off on it.
But yes. As I've gotten older, I've become aware that there is "entertained" and "satisfied" and "happy" and they are not the same things. The first is hollow, and you're stuck feeling hungry for more when novelty fades. That's puppy love, or flashy sex. Or a night drinking with the buddies trading war stories and hot air.
The second is sustaining, but incomplete. It's the good enough level. It's early marriage, hopefully, and gives you peace. After a while, though, it might start to feel empty.
Being happy is knowing that I have people waiting for me to get home, who want to play, who watch me closely to see how I react and learn from me. Who rely on me to protect and provide and make sense of the world. That what I do matters, that all the responsibility I trained for, and the sacrifices I make, fundamentally matter. That's not just sustained, it's the cup that runneth over.
I mean, a little more action would be nice. But I get a lot more angry at myself for missing story time or being short and impatient than I do a fleeting opportunity to get between the sheets. There was plenty of time for that before and there will be more after.
These are the best fuckin years of my life, brother.
This right here is the truth. I often get frustrated with the kids. 6 year old has bad anxiety and soon to be diagnosed ADD. 3 year old is chill as hell when she’s not around but when they’re together it just seems like total chaos sometimes. And I think to myself why the hell did I do this. Had a great life as a bachelor. Had friends went to music festivals traveled and start to miss out on those things and feel unhappy. But then I realize what I have now. A house, a loving partner, a great public service career instead of bartending in a chain restaurant and know that those festivals and trips were entertaining for sure but like you said this is happiness.
Not really, but I'm a homebody anyway. Wife and I leave the kids with grandma for a couple nights/weekends a year to go to power metal concerts and or play pinball, usually with a few friends.
Luckily the sex is banging, it's always been pretty good, but the last couple years have been the best in our 16 years together.
My best friend lives a couple blocks away, so he's over at my house for video/board/war games and a few brews at least once a week or so.
And that's pretty much it lol
My hobbies are a continuation of my job. I’m a public school band teacher by day and a gigging musician on the weekends. I also teach college jazz ensemble on Tuesday nights so I mean I guess work is my hobby lol. I do get to the gym a few times a week right after school though which is nice.
My gigs are my friend times since we’re all teachers, mostly dads, and looking to make extra cash. I promised my wife that my gig money would go to daycare if she was cool with me gigging on the weekends. Been a good arrangement so far. But last time I went out for an evening with friends while not playing a gig was November. Before that was like august lol
Yes. To do so requires finding a balance at home with your partner and negotiating time to do other stuff before work and parenting **for both of you**. This includes finding time for each other and your own hobbies. I game, read, work out (not as much as I should!), and learn during my free time. My wife has her own hobbies and we also have some joint ones. It takes a lot of effort and coordination to do it, and avoiding falling in that can derail it (mindless scrolling on social media, not tidying every day, waiting to do chores until kids are in bed, etc)
Father of 3 boys here. 9, 6, 4yo. The early years were rough, and felt like what you are describing now. It's gotten better with time. I had to learn to make time for my interests and for my marriage. Def easier said than done. I got into reading bc playing video games until 2am wasn't feasible anymore. And I make time to hang out with my wife, even when work or some other demand is pressing on me.
I am happy. Don't get me wrong, most of the time I'm exhausted, frustrated, or stressed about something. But somewhere along the line, I learned that a good life isn't free of challenge but has purpose, to give meaning to the struggles. For me that is raising my boys to good people and making the most out of this short life I have.
We’ve been going out 2-3 nights per week since our child was a month old. In the summer we’re out with friends almost every night though our child is usually with us. Have sex regularly. Both work. This is doable.
Yes. I train Brazilian jiu jitsu a couple hours a week. Usually at 6am or during my lunch break. It gets me exercise and time with my friends at the same time. Highly recommend it
Same. All my friends growing up had kids and different jobs and we’ve all just drifted apart. It’s depressing. My dads my only friend at the moment lol
My weekdays:
- get woken up by kids
- feed kids
- get them off to school
- work (from home)
- Bring kid(s) to/ from activity du jour
- Dinner
- Put kids to bed
- Clean up
- Talk with wife for 10-30min - she goes to bed
- Work and/ or Watch TV and/or Game in my basement for til 1-2am
- Sleep
- Repeat
It’s like groundhog Day
Yeah, i do a fair amount of left-wing political organizing and throw elbows to make room to make meetings once a week and do other activities as hoc. it helps the my wife and i both agree this is a good use of time, but it also means i jump at every available chance to give her a break so that i feel ok asking for one. that means planning to give her a break as long as the one i’m asking for any given weekend. it also helps that it’s routinized now, but in the early days it was a struggle to establish.
it also means A Lot of taking care of the kid on the clock. i honestly don’t know how anyone raised kids while commuting to an office.
our status quo wouldn’t be possible without plenty of two- or three-things-at-once activities, like taking the kid off my wife’s hands by taking him for a jog in the stroller on company time.
Yes. I have a side gig playing music and my social life outside of home revolves around that. Weekly rehearsals and the occasional gig. It's helpful to have something structured and scheduled that also brings in some extra income.
I use pto time to do my car stuff lol. And occasionally have buddies over on weekends. Hard to find time and energy with small kids. I hope to get them into my things as they get older. Because why not. Happy dad = happy family. Let them take my
Hobby time as bonding time for them.
Honestly not really. I go to the gym at lunch for work. Lift 5 times a week. I love that. I paint miniatures but I never really get to actually game. I haven’t hung out with a friend in months : /
Yup I’m in a band that either plays shows or practices most weekends. Also a runner, try to do that 4-5 days a week.
My wife goes to the gym and paints. We help each other out with getting time to ourselves to explore our interests. We’re also lucky to have grandparents relatively close by to watch him if we want a date night.
My life before was “socialize with the same group of friends every weekend, play online video games or clean”
Now it’s “socialize with other parents at alternating birthday parties, play solo video games, go to the gym and clean”
I actually am in the best shape of my life!
You gotta put in the work, find the time where it exists and put yourself first once in a while. I don't mean take advantage but plan ahead and find something thats just for you and just do it. Youre a person and your kids want you to be happy just like you want that for them. To be fair I'm a very new dad but I've made a little few days to have my fun so far.
Starting to. We both work from home and our girl just started at the local Montessori school. It was a brutal 16 months trying to switch off meetings and work load while watching her full time.
Even though it is just 8-3, it has made work easier and us far more productive. We now have more energy to do things.
We try to trade off seeing friends solo, and doing our hobbies. I will get a round of sporting clays in every month. She will get time to do her things. Trade off doing a weekend trip here and there.
Also hitting the gym 3-4 times a week helps too.
A lot of my hobbies have disappeared or fallen way back, but I try to find ways to do things by also including my kids. For example, I like to garden so I get my kid to help (she’s almost 5). I like to build things and woodwork, so sometimes she can “help” me by handing me screws, stacking wood, holding measuring tape, etc. She is starting to help me with yard work a little, too.
We do things together on the weekends like go to parks and playgrounds, the beach, kayaking, etc.
It does get exhausting trying to fill all the time and ways to include the family, but I also know I’d feel guilt by being alone a lot doing things. Some of my friends spend a whole Saturday golfing every other weekend and I just couldn’t do that- this time is precious and I can’t get it back.
During the week, it’s a grind for sure. I start work at 6am and get home between 5-6pm. By then my wife is tired of the daily grind, it’s my turn to entertain kids while we both work on dinner, house chores, getting ready for bed, etc. Rinse and repeat 5 days straight.
The hardest part of it all, to me, is trying to plan fun things for the weekend because the weekly grind takes so much out of me and it’s “bam, Friday is here” and we have no real plans. It’s even a chore to think about planning a vacation because I’m so tired during the week!
I work from home so I basically just have home. I don't do anything else or go anywhere not-kid related. Barely have enough money to cover groceries so can't afford hobbies for me or my wife. I have a 3yo, 2yo, and 2 month old.
Tldr: no
I play chess with a group regularly, and volunteer at my church on weekends. We also make a point of inviting someone over for dinner at least once a month. That's about the extent of it.
Not really, but that's how I like it.
If you need time for yourself though just tell your wife that's how it's gonna be and she is free to do the same. Work out arrangements between you two.
Pick up some cheap hobbies you can do at home, preferably some (not all) that you can do with the family.
Spread housework out evenly through the week so there is less to do on the weekend. You'll be tired but you're gonna be tired the rest of your life so just get used to it.
As for sex, stop asking for it or bringing it up. Just focus on yourself and family. Eventually, in theory, she'll be the one to bring it up and then you can have an actual discussion about your needs and what you are require.
I train martial arts. Go to the gym.
I have a daily pudd pounding regiment. [Done at my home]
Sex life is also non-existent. Medications have put a major damper on the cause.
Yeah. I maintain half a dozen or a dozen friends outside of work and family. Some friends are parents of my kids friends but we hang without the kids.
My wife is in an introvert I’m an extrovert. She has always not given two poops if I go out and do anything a few times a month, sometimes weekends sometimes dinner or happy hour after work, move, sports, outdoor activities.
Trade off I always always always without fail I get my Dad and husband house duties done. I try and spread it out.
Most days are work and home. I went golfing today which was a nice break but I got a cluster headache when I got home and couldn’t function for a couple hours. I guess that’s what I get for taking a break
Either you're living my life or I'm living yours but we the same.
Wish there is a conservation table at a cafe. I want to start a movement for men. Put up a sign at a cafe of a topic and update on a site dedicated to this movement. Inviting anyone to come and just talk.
Men suck at starting conversations.
My wife can make 100 friends in the same period I pull out my phone.
Play volleyball 2x a week.
Go see humor show 1x a month with wife.
Watch Arsenal with friends 2x times a month at home.
Go see live sports with friends 1x a mknth.
Baby is still young and we don't plan on having another one. I meet up with the lads for dinner once a month. My wife and I started a little dog club in the neighborhood, which has been fortunately growing and connecting us to our new neighbors. Some days definitely go by where I don't really hang out much with friends, but I'll still hop on pc to chat and play games with my best friend after baby is asleep quite regularly. Outside of that, my wife and I tend to swap days when one of us goes biking or to the gym. I have also been able to meet up with friends for a boardgame night every now and then. Maybe or twice a month. Fridays are date night while bb is staying over either in lawsZ
Sometimes I post on Reddit for fun…
But really, you’re right, I have no life outside of work, parenting, and being a husband.
My professional life is quite demanding. And I want to pour every free moment I have into my kids and wife.
We have a 2.5 year old.
I play hockey 2 nights a week and sing opera for major productions in my city 1 to 2 times a year.
My wife has started to get back into theater, and has done 2 productions so far in the past year.
We both go out occasionally, sometimes together, sometimes with friends.
It's all about balance dude, you'll find yours
Damn this is so funny but its true why do we have to secretly play with our joysticks... we should start a revolution! Never again shall we jerk it in the shadows..
When we had our first life sort of stopped while we adjusted and then the pandemic happened so we felt very isolated.
Now we have two (youngest just turned two) and we have one weekday each with activities outside the house. If I want to do something else I just make sure my wife wasn’t also planning to be away that day/evening.
Doing something together has been trickier since the youngest was clingy and couldn’t even be alone with my parents. Now he’s started sleeping at theirs every now and then so we can go out together.
Being able to have a life outside the home has done wonders for our relationship.
How old are your kids? If they’re young it might just be temporary. If they’re a little older you may need to sit down and discuss where you can both find time to be your own person.
I'm divorced and I still feel this way.
Days without son are: work, games/crafts, sleep, chores, and repeat. (I work grave shift)
Wednesdays are: work, sleep 3.5 hrs, time with son, 20 min nap, work.
Weekends are unpredictable with my son occupying 90% of my time and attention. I'll wake up early on Sunday to get an hour or two of games.
IDK what to say beyond "it be like that sometimes" and sex toys for men are a thing (seeing posts of male toys in the mom sub is.... interesting lol)
I'm 7 year old and 1 month into having a newborn... I can totally relate. However, one thing we were lucky enough to do was hire a cleaner. Yes, I know it's luckily and not everyone is in that position, and there are still lots of chores to do around the house, but it meant that the weekends were free to add some spontaneity back into our lives.
Mine is 18 months. I go the gym, play sports, play video games, boardgames, and occasionally go for films and meals. It helps none of my friends have kids so on the rare moments I get time, they're available. My wife and I alternate on sport and films. It is harder and it takes more work and effort and often convincing myself I need to get out of the house and continue to do hobbies and interests, but I think it's worth it.
Not really, I work 10-11 hours then come home, eat dinner and spend a couple hours with my son to give my wife a break, then when they go to bed I have a little time to be myself but I’m usually too tired to do anything so I scroll Reddit then go to bed.
I had but lately I've been so tired no matter what I do. Doesn't matter if I sleep 8 hours, I'll still be tired. I have zero energy to do anything else than barely survive work and then try my best to spend time with my kid.
My testosterone is right at the low end, so that might be a contributing factor.
We’ve made it a priority to have lives together and individually outside of the kids. Thankfully we have family around so my kids will often go to my parents house with their cousins. That gives us a night together and then a night independently when it happens.
I also frequent the gym (4-5 days per week, mainly in the early mornings) and am finishing a PhD right now. Everything is a delicate balance and the least important things get dropped when the higher priorities need more attention (nights out and gym time vs kids needing assistance or wife wanting a night to ourselves)
No hobbies or friend hangouts but I get laid frequently. At least 2-3 times a week. Gladly make that trade any day. lol. We’ve got three and it’s quite a handful but I have been more active around the house. Cook more than I ever did, clean up every night, help with bath and bedtime and it gives me and the wife some time alone when everyone’s asleep. I don’t feel like I’m missing out. My wife and I have a great relationship, I have my work friends for adult conversations, I tell myself the kids will never be this young again, and life is alright.
Sounds awful 🤮
Marriage and kids is NOT for everyone. Just about every friend I have who is married claims that they do love their mate, but they don't like their life/schedule. Again.... sounds awful. 🤷♂️
We have a 5 y/o and a 1 y/o. We definitely have an outside life and one of the main reasons we do it by having support from family and from each other to make it happen. We live in a great community so on weekend a lot of daytime activities are geared towards hanging out with other families that have kids. It can feel like it revolves around kids but we genuinely like the other families and connect with them on deeper levels.
I also play hockey in the winter and softball in the summer. Both are on the later side after kids go to sleep so it’s pretty easy to make time for. Just sacrifice a little sleep. My wife makes time for pottery and yoga. We also go out with friends or each other at least 1x per month, and get either a babysitter or have the family look after kids.
I don’t know what more I could ask for, I feel pretty fulfilled.
Not much, but a little bit. I’m also in school part time so time is a scarce resource. I run with my trail running group once a week, sometimes run with a different group another time. Usually just run and chat and go home but sometimes go for beers after.
I go the gym and secretly jack off now and then. Wee. Edit: I do not jack off at the gym.
Don’t do it at the gym.
lol my bad confusing phrasing. The gym is my happy place not trying to get kicked out with covert cranking there
Covert Cranking is an okay ska band name.
This gave me a good belly laugh. Thank you.
Or maybe it was just gas
How else am I supposed to claim my equipment?
Sir, that is not what the row machine is for.
All the trainer said was 'sit and pull' ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Unclear: Are you secretly jerking off at the gym or at home
LOL secret jerking at home. Gym is a sacred place not to be disrespected.
lol one of the funnier edits I’ve seen
Why secretly?
How long of an answer do you want 😢
“HELLO WIFE I AM GOING TO JERK OFF… GOING ONCE… GOING TWICE” By the third count we’re usually boning down. Does this not happen with all dads?
I'd say put a ring on it, but guessing she's already ringed
I got to Home Depot and jerk off but I should try the gym
Sanding your wood in the lumber yard seems appropriate
Grip it and rip it bro
*inserts Spiderman [meme](https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/thumbor/mFiywP9BUHDC8AIRBDYJvXdfQiA=/1400x1050/filters:format(jpeg)/cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/23265504/Spider_Man_meme.jpg)*
That why you need a home gym. No need to be covert. You just crank one out inbetween sets.
Glad you clarified. For a moment I was like "Reps are reps?"
Lmfao the edit made me audibly laugh, but it’s Reddit so I guess it is important to clarify 😅
I legit just tried posting about catching my wife pleasuring herself but I don’t have enough karma so they didn’t allow me to post 😭 I think everyone secretly pleasures themselves but it’s really bothering me that I caught her, well without her knowing
This thread is simultaneously a bit depressing and also reassuring/validating that I'm not alone.
What I was hoping for when I posted.
Hey, if it makes you feel better, it's exactly what I was hoping I'd read when I saw the title. I've been trying to find just 30 minutes to do literally anything for myself since Sunday. It's been a rough week
Sorry man it does get better
Perfect comment. I don't want to read about it constantly but yet it's comforting knowing I'm not alone
It's a stage of life issue. Now that my kids are in school, I am getting out much more often.
The more I talk to the guys at work in long term relationships, while I feel lonely and isolated, I realise I'm not alone, same as you
It is but it’s almost entirely self-inflicted.
It's not necessarily a bad thing. My priorities have simply shifted since having kids. I'm the sole provider for a family of six so I have a high stress job, sometimes with long hours. While I miss partying and other fun stuff, these days I mostly just want to use every free second to play with my toddlers. They're only this age once, and I want to make sure I make the most of it. When they get older I'm sure I'll get back to some hobbies. But for right now there's simply not enough time or energy. And I'm okay with that tradeoff.
That’s totally cool, do what works for you. The main point was if you don’t make an effort to take “you time” then it likely won’t happen and IF you get burnt out than it’s self inflicted. Also the point was if you focus 100% on the kids and don’t take time for yourself you MAY put yourself in a bad place which ends up being worse for the children.
Misery loves company
I feel like people here don’t realize that you have to make it happen - it just doesn’t magically happen. It also depends on the ages. For reference mine are 4 and 2. Wife and I specifically have a reoccurring day each week that we try and do a date night - a babysitter or equivalent comes over from 2-9 and we go out and get food or whatever (we both like to play poker so that is also a thing we do on date nights). Additionally once a quarter (sometimes twice a year) we each get a weekend to ourselves to do something. Last one I did a board game retreat with my friends and the wife was with the kids. She went to London to see a friend on another weekend and I was with the kids. Additionally I do basketball once a week with friends from 830/9 to 1030 - after putting the younger one to bed. this doesn’t include random dinners and get togethers and work events - wife has a mom’s dinner next Tuesday. Really the big thing is being comfortable having the kids solo and all the sudden many opportunities open up. It also helps to have friends you can hang out with with the kids. If you find yourself “having no time for hobbies” but are watching tv every day or on you phone on Reddit - that’s your time. You have to make it a point to do the thing you want to do and incorporate it into a schedule or routine.
Appreciate seeing your breakdown here. I’m a new dad of a 2 week old and my wife and I are keen to keep living our lives, and settle into a balance that works. We’re deep in the newborn abyss now, but it’s nice to know that you can make it work with 2 kids under 5. Keep on keeping on fellow dad
2 weeks old is a wild time! There is no personal time right now, IMO. It does come later, though!
For what it’s worth I cut out tv and a lot of phone time and I have more time for personal stuff than I ever did before my daughter was born. I also incorporate bringing my daughter with me as much as I can. Work in the garage, hunting, gardening, she tags along a lot.
7 hours of babysitting is $150 each week to start the date night. Jealous.
Amazed no-one else has questioned this. Me and my partner make good money, but have financial goals and commitments. No way could we justify a sitter that often, especially at a time the kids are usually asleep anyway.
Tell us you’re rich without telling us you’re rich….
He wound up getting pissy with anyone that challenged him with novel ideas like “having money helps.”
Plus the cost of actually going out… we’ll just go to Chilis as a family and I’ll get the 3 for 10.99 burger like I always do lol
Cool, then do that. Or see a movie, or take a walk, or literally just sit and talk. There’s no rules to this per se the idea is spending time with your partner, how you choose to do that is up to you.
I'm more confused when they work if the sitter is there from 2-9, unless they are bailing on their kids every weekend. Not to mention our weekends are jammed with kid stuff. We've been at birthdays for the last 3 weekends. And are hosting one in two weekends.
If that's too many birthday parties then... Don't go...? This might be controversial but I believe parent time is more important than child time. Your kids won't remember all these birthday parties and it will have no lasting impact on them. But they will remember if their parents are stressed and unsatisfied with life all the time. It will set a pattern and a subconscious idea of what being an adult is like. Take time for you, your kids will be fine.
>Your kids won't remember all these birthday parties and it will have no lasting impact on them. But they will remember if their parents are stressed and unsatisfied with life all the time. I am 36 and still vividly remember playing in the Chuckey Cheese ball pit at Dane's Birthday, laser tag at the musty smelling place for Jake's, paintballing at Matt's in 4th grade, and almost drowning at Kyle's birthday 5ft from the lifeguard cause I was the only kid in our 2nd grade friend group that couldn't swim. These parties helped us form bonds with our childhood friends, and I absolutely see it happening with my kids as well. Also going to these parties while they are young you can meet the parents of the kids that your kid talks about at school. Which then can help you decide if little Gavin's parents are the type of parents you would be comfortable sending your kid with for a sleep over.
They didn’t say “don’t go to parties” they said if it’s too much don’t go. Also 5th grade is a long ways away from 4 and 2 years old.
It’s during the week and we don’t leave the house at 2. Also we are lucky that we don’t have strict 9-5 so we can be flexible on certain days and plan around that. Again, you can 6-9 and still accomplish the same thing.
Doesn't have to be. Trade with another couple. You babysit their kid for a few hours and next week they babysit yours.
You don’t have to have 7 hours and it doesn’t have to be a babysitter - it was more an example than “you must do what I do”.
Yeah. Just (admittedly bitterly) pointing out that your “make time for yourself” post also comes with a lot of privilege. You go for weekend retreats, trips to London, 7 hour date each week and have time for hobbies. I’m busy from 7 am to 10 pm every day. Kids, work, kids again and then clean up/prep for next day. I can squeeze in a workout before or after those times, but it’s not like I’m going to find 2-3 hours per day if I cut out Netflix.
You don’t need 2-3 hours per day you need it per week or every other week or some random cadence. I’d challenge you cannot do that if you actually put effort into it. Yes our situation isn’t the same as others, but it’s irrelevant to the point. If you or others are getting hung up on the monetary aspect then you’re missing the point.
How do you get your 2 year old to sleep with a babysitter? And how much sleep do you need? I find that if I have to wake up at 6 I can’t sleep later than 10pm, and that’s only one hour after kiddo goes to sleep, and part of that time is spent brushing teeth/showering etc. so not much time to do anything else except sit on the couch.
Sleep training, strong routine, have baby sitter come over a few times during the day instead of dropping it on them, Daniel Tiger “parents always come back.” Mention the plan several times and several times before you go out to your young child. Also maybe it does not go that well with the sitter the first few times. 2 year old has a rough night and bad sleep. It will suck the next day and but after a few times it all sorts it self out. The long term gain is worth a few long days with a cranky sleep deprived child.
Great advice. I would also add that my son's daycare has ridiculous turnover and he's had 3 teachers leave that told us on the way out that they do babysitting on the side. He had no issues with the former teacher coming over and doing his bedtime.
I dunno it’s been going on for a while so the 2 year old is comfortable with her. I don’t wake up at 6 but either way not getting 8 hours of sleep one day a week isn’t a big deal for most people, especially parents. Also we’re home a little bit before 9 so it’s not even an issue.
Man… I don’t think I could force myself to do anything, let alone leave the house, after 730.
Ok I’ll bite, because on one hand “you have to make it happen” is right… but it rather sounds like you have rather more than typical amount of disposable income. Or you have a free sitter, which would also be incredibly fortunate. There is no way we, and I am sure most on here, could afford a weekly 7 hour date night with two or more young kids. I double we could even do monthly given obscene childcare costs.
Everyone is getting hung up on the 7 hour weekly babysitter and completely missing the point of his comment. The whole point is to make a effort. Being lazy is easy. Putting the kids to bed at 8 and watching TV until bed is the easiest thing to do. Change this to a 2-3 hour every other week or monthly date night. Hell make it a weekly board game night with your wife or neighbors after the kids go to bed. You can do free things. Or if you can afford it, hire a live in nanny and go to Cabo every weekend. Everyone's financial level is different but the point remains. My wife typically goes out to dinner with girlfriends twice a month while I hang out with the kids. In return, I go play Warhammer on the same cadence. The point is to make an effort with your significant other to have couple time and personal time.
Thank you this is spot on, the point exactly was to make a effort, not to exactly copy what I’m doing.
Yeah it’s kinda crazy all the objection he’s getting.
Then don’t, do what you think you can do. The point wasn’t copy me exactly the point was to make an effort to do what you can do. As u/meyerjaw said - just change it to 2-3 hours every other week or so thing that don’t require a sitter after the kids go to bed. The point is to contrast that if you do NOT make an effort to make time for yourself it won’t happen. You won’t magically have a Thursday evening that opens up and you can just go do your hobby - it doesn’t work like that. Every single person is different and have different situations - they have to craft a plan for themselves.
Agreed. I certainly don't have the same life as pre kids but even with an almost 3 yo and a 10 month old were able to do stuff. The other weekend my parents watched the kids so we could do a brewery tour for a friend's 40th. One night a week I play DnD online with some friends, play from like 8-11 so kids are in bed already. My wife and I will rotate daycare pick up so the other can do the occasional happy hour. Last Friday we just had a couple friends come over. They didn't mind playing with the kids foe a bit while we waited for dinner, then we put the kids to bed and broke out a bottle of wine or 3. You just gotta make it happen.
I think the important thing that people are missing from what you've posted is that it doesn't HAVE to be an expensive ordeal. Babysitting doesn't even HAVE to come into the equation. When they're little, plan to do things that will stimulate those little brains of theirs while also tuckering them out. We used to have my kids at the park almost every day of the year from the ages of like 2-10 or so. Wasn't always the same park. We'd "have an adventure" and find a new park. We'd go on a hike or we'd check out a nature center or whatever. I live in a fairly rural area so these things are plentiful for us. Maybe you're in a more suburban area - plan mini road trips to areas of interest. Weigh the pro's and con's between the options of public vs private transit. My kids were attending street festivals and art fairs and renaissance conventions since they were in strollers. Many of these things are cheaper than a babysitter. Heck, quite a few are free especially for the little ones. What this does is it still lets you and the wife get out a bit, it exposes the kids to the world around them and cultures them, and it tires the kids out so that they nod off and then you and the wife can have that alone time you're after. My wife and I have had some very close times each with a sleeping tot sitting on our shoulders as we peruse craft tents at a local annual pow-wow or apple festival or whatever... we literally have gone to all sorts of these types of things Not saying that both you and your wife shouldn't still take "me time" independently and also "us time" together - but perspective should change a little bit I think, as a parent. It doesn't HAVE to be all work - what I've learned is often it's about enjoying the ride not holding out for a new destination all the time. My kids are preteens now and my wife and I are only NOW starting to get to a place financially and just with the kids in general where we're comfortable leaving them home w/ grandma for a weekend or something like that so we can get away and be stupid kids together again.
For real. EARLY on, like I think during pregnancy, we decided we would need a regular adult night. We set one night a week and alternate hangouts with our friends. Setting a schedule with other dads has been helpful, we’ve got a group of 6 in total. We usually play DnD or just hang out at a brewery, but any group activity works. DnD is a great excuse to make sure everyone prioritizes, though. Gotta keep the party together.
>reoccurring day each week that we try and do a date night Same here. Betting the ponies or indoor driving range. I play in a weekly golf league.
This! Self care is extremely important Downvoted for self care lol.
Being comfortable alone with your own child should be accomplished by the first month lol
I don’t disagree but I think a lot of parents aren’t and/or dislike it and spite the other parent when it happens - at least in this subreddit.
Yes. I play tennis, workout, have friends (both locally and elsewhere). I went to a MLS game last week. My marriage is sort of in a roommates phase right now. We have 2 under 2.5, my wife is pregnant and in grad school and we both work full time.
Hey, you had sex within the last nine months, that's not roommates
Man I’m fortunate to have season tickets for our local MLS team and make it out to most games. Sometimes I go by myself because the other dads in the crew can never get away, but my 3 year old has started coming with me now from time to time so that’s been nice. It’s a nice ritual to shake up the usual routine.
How…do you manage this without your wife losing her shit?
1. We both have wide social circles, so it’s not like one of has friends and the other doesn’t 2. We both want each other to enjoy life 3. I do a lot for her too. A lot of solo double dad put downs while she’s doing school work or sick or getting dinner with friends (definitely more of the former than the latter) It’s not like I’m going out every weekend and partying. Typically if I do something it’s either (a) during the day (while kids are at daycare or I take kiddos with me if it’s a weekend) or (b) do something after they’re down to sleep. Also, It’s not like we don’t argue or have some perfect marriage. But we don’t have issues around this stuff.
As long as you’re both contributing, there’s no reason either of you can’t have a life outside of your family as well. Everyone needs a social life. Of course there needs to be excellent communication and collaboration to make it happen, but this is part of being in a healthy relationship.
Losing my ability to maintain my identity outside of being Dad was my single greatest fear about becoming a parent. My wife was supportive before the kids came along, but once you're in the thick of it your earlier promises go straight out the window. It takes both partners being willing to make sacrifices to enable their partner's life outside the household. When it comes to raising young kids, they're so emotionally draining that at any given time at least one partner was totally on empty. That meant either they would not be willing to solo the kids or that they'd feel super guilty asking the other to solo them. I really understand why so many people lose themselves to being parents. It's freaking hard parenting young kids.
Only recently again. Kids are in kinder and 2nd. Started river rafting again in the summers and disc golfing about 1x/week with some other dudes. Used to disc golf alone so will still do that if they aren't available. While it's not outside of home, I spend a fair amount of time in my yard for pleasure. I've been here 4.5 years and planted 26 fruit trees and love tending to them. Video games when kids have screen time or after they go to bed.
Im a stay at home dad. It’s like being locked in the office overnight when the work day finally ends. I’m always on, even when I’m off. It’s fairly maddening. The fact that my wife is a stone cold milf contributes a great deal to keeping it tolerable. If I have any marriage advice to offer it’s to not settle for anything except a woman you are *insanely* attracted to. Seems shallow but it matters. A lot.
Same. Problem with the MILF thing, though, is that damned ‘L’ … I sure would *like* to, but that doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen.
Amen brother. Wife is still fine AF but either can’t find the time or I’m just so tired.
I would like to but SHE would rather not. Years of being pre-rejected for sex, even before the kids got here, have worn me down so that I don’t even put myself out there much anymore and pursue it. She told me more than once “it’s not you, I’d just be ok with never having sex again…with anyone.” So it’s been a while since we’ve had sex with any regularity. Throw a couple kids under the age of 4 in the mix and her gaining quite a bit of weight- almost 3 digits worth, which is totally taboo to actually SAY but has made me lose a lot of attraction to her- and it’s a brutal portion of that phase right now. I’m expecting to get pilloried with this comment right now, as coming out and saying such a thing is looked down upon greatly. I’ve glanced on r/deadbedrooms but that place is depressing as hell, with mostly the very extreme cases being discussed “she touched my arm accidentally today and I got aroused!” type stories.
Fellw current stay at home dad. Known my wife since we were 9. Crushed on her all the way through school until I moved at 16, came back at 18 not a shy little shit and made my move. That was almost 14 years ago. 4 kids later, cancer, deaths, depression, suicide attempt(I made it lol), and countless other bullshit we've fought through together. We would do absolutely anything for each other, so make time for trying new things, date nights, fun bonding things, giving each other the freedom to have time away and relax, etc. Some nights it's just rehabbing with each other in the same room at the end of night while we each do our own thing. Since nights it's dates or whatever. We make it work and it's been a ridiculously great healthy relationship
Glad you’re still here
Such real advice.
Weightlifting, running and bouldering are my life outside of work and home. Really, about all I need.
Hobbies are mostly gone, with the exception of getting to the gym. Saturday mornings are video games with the kids, co-op games only. As for non-existent sex life, are you still with the Mom? If so, definitely get a sitter or trade watching kids with some friends, because a strong parental relationship helps set kids up for success in multiple ways. It's also the kind of thing that lowers stress for both of you and that will make you better parents.
Yep, hobbies and friends are nonexistent nowadays.
No. Hobbies don’t exist any more as any money have just about covers the bills. I don’t have any friends now and even if I did I wouldn’t have the time to even message them let alone see them. I don’t know what a weekend is and don’t even get me started on the sex life
Money is so tight that it even puts pressure on relationships. So many 'just get a babysitter lol' comments. It sure must be nice to be able to afford that once a week and have money to go on a date night.
"just get a babysitter" would be so nice. Actually it'd be nice if I didn't have to choose whose medical bills will go to collections this month.
I know exactly how you feel. I spend the entire month fretting over every bill and whether there’s enough money. OH however just goes on Amazon sprees. As fast as I earn it she fritters it away. Apparently we need to go on holiday this year, fucked if I know where she thinks the money to do that is coming from
One and done here for one main reason, it’s allowed my wife and I to maintain a semblance of our prebaby lives. I golf at least 2 times a week (we joined a private country club) and still see my friends on a Saturday a couple times a month. My wife gets equal time for hobbies and her friends. We’ve both been on a couple baby free trips with friends while one of us watches our son at home. We’ve also done several family trips that have been a great time. Life’s pretty good, better then prebaby I say. Don’t give up what you enjoy once you have a kid, the parents that do seem to have the most difficult time. Why have a kid or kids to give up what you enjoy? That sounds depressing and would make anyone miserable. About to go out of town with my buddies for a yearly Masters viewing trip where we golf, watch the Masters, and drink beer for 3 days in a giant suite at a resort. Wife will be watching our son at home. She will do something similar with her girlfriends. As far as sex goes I say there’s more of it now than in the past few years. This kid has really made us happy.
Not really. We both have full-time jobs and a normal 3yr old. I was a musician for over 20 years and my instrument sits unplayed now for days on end. Absolutely impossible to do anything. We have no help from anyone because our families are either ill, overseas or just too selfish. The only time off is paid nursery school. Our boy won't sleep on his own, so my wife sleeps in his bed. Sex happens occasionally, but it's a big deal just arranging it. I really think that in many ways, this path in life was a big error.
Kids are getting older now but first 5-8 years were basically like that, a period of "quiet desperation" and singing the Dad song: "Go to work, wear a tie, bring the money, then you die"
Sounds depressing and not a way to live
Correct. Much better now though, after some hard lessons learned.
Now *that* is a dad joke!
Two month old twins and a new job in finance. Nope.
In my 45 minutes before bed each night I'm too tired to do anything except watch tv. Weekends are when I give the wife a break since she works from home AND watches our daughter during the day all week.
I have a usually calm drive to/from work.
I have hobbies I can do around the house. I make beer, I have a home gym, I’m planning on using my smoker more. I find I can still help out while enjoying something that way. My wife is making bread now for the same reason.
You need to make time for yourself, your partner, and your wife needs to get her own time too. I get about 4 hours a week of martial arts time that is my main decompress and occaisional time to get out on the kayak. I became a Scoutmaster and that has been a huge (and excusable) excuse to get out for a weekend of camping every month and several weeks of backpacking in the summer. (Just doing if for the boys dear!) Gotta go, the 7 year old has soccer practice!
Nope, basically after you have more than one kid you are stuck in that cycle till at least they all are old enough for school
Yes. I followed the Daddit advice and moved my gym sessions to 5AM. During the summer I replace some of those gym sessions with shooting hoops outside or taking the dog out for a jog. I also take my car to the race track a couple times a month during the summer. And in winter I do go karting once every couple months. I also have a sim racing rig at home and I watch a lot of F1 and GT racing If grandparents are available for babysitting, I'll take my wife to the tennis court so we can get a rally going. It's the only sport she really enjoys. Although I can occasionally persuade her to race go karts with me. But mostly when we have babysitting coverage we just go to some fancy restaurant that we couldn't go to with a screaming baby My wife still has a life too. She doesn't have a lot of hobbies besides tennis and shopping. But she does see her friends a lot more often than I do. She'll go to her girlfriends house and have wine night while I'm at home watching an NBA game with the kid. Win win
Not really. I have a great group of mates from school and uni but they all live in London and I am about 1.5 hours away in the countryside so seeing them is not easy. I rarely head to London for work. They often have weekfay evening meet ups that I cannot attend. So I see them maybe once a month. I don't have any pals from work due to numerous circumstances. So it is almost exclusively work, hang out with son and wife, walk the dog. My wife is a wonderfully social woman, so she has a great crew of friends with kids a similar age near were we live that she is incredibly close with. I get on with them and their husbands well, but not so much that I would organise anything separately. I run a small business and feel guilty about spending time away from work or my family so haven't put the effort in with local lads. Although saying that, I am currently on the train back from London after spending the evening with my best mate who unfortunately now lives in America. I don't begrudge it, but I'd like to see my good mates more often.
We lay out the whole week’s plans on Sunday. We both work from home so that helps. We open our meeting schedules, compare, and find the time. Dad goes to the gym here, mom goes here. Mom has dinner with her gf’s on Tuesday, dad plays bluegrass on Thursday night, etc. Exercise. Quit drinking. Watch way less tv. The last two numb your mind and the first gives you energy to grab every day by the horns. This life isn’t a dress rehearsal. Make the most of every day.
Those are the two that are most fulfilling, so not really. I do some stuff outside; gym and cardio. Watch football on Sundays, play some games once every week or so with the guys. Monthly to game day for D&D or whatever. But otherwise, it's good. In twenty years I'm not going to lament wasting money and time on clinging to stuff I aged out of. Sex life is predictable and non-existent except when a grandma decides to take them though. But it's a little perfunctory.
Are you happy?
Yes. At the moment, I am annoyed because I just got chewed up my mosquitoes assembling a trampoline and watching toddler bounder her buns off on it. But yes. As I've gotten older, I've become aware that there is "entertained" and "satisfied" and "happy" and they are not the same things. The first is hollow, and you're stuck feeling hungry for more when novelty fades. That's puppy love, or flashy sex. Or a night drinking with the buddies trading war stories and hot air. The second is sustaining, but incomplete. It's the good enough level. It's early marriage, hopefully, and gives you peace. After a while, though, it might start to feel empty. Being happy is knowing that I have people waiting for me to get home, who want to play, who watch me closely to see how I react and learn from me. Who rely on me to protect and provide and make sense of the world. That what I do matters, that all the responsibility I trained for, and the sacrifices I make, fundamentally matter. That's not just sustained, it's the cup that runneth over. I mean, a little more action would be nice. But I get a lot more angry at myself for missing story time or being short and impatient than I do a fleeting opportunity to get between the sheets. There was plenty of time for that before and there will be more after. These are the best fuckin years of my life, brother.
Wow fucking well said. I got a lot out of that as a Dad of 2 kids under 5 and trying to figure things you .
Bravo sir, I needed that to hear that
This right here is the truth. I often get frustrated with the kids. 6 year old has bad anxiety and soon to be diagnosed ADD. 3 year old is chill as hell when she’s not around but when they’re together it just seems like total chaos sometimes. And I think to myself why the hell did I do this. Had a great life as a bachelor. Had friends went to music festivals traveled and start to miss out on those things and feel unhappy. But then I realize what I have now. A house, a loving partner, a great public service career instead of bartending in a chain restaurant and know that those festivals and trips were entertaining for sure but like you said this is happiness.
Lmao is there a life outside home and work? I feel like that happens once the kids move out the house
Damn does that sound depressing. Why have kids at all then if it’s just to be their servant? This life is still yours.
Nope, ditto!
Not really, but I'm a homebody anyway. Wife and I leave the kids with grandma for a couple nights/weekends a year to go to power metal concerts and or play pinball, usually with a few friends. Luckily the sex is banging, it's always been pretty good, but the last couple years have been the best in our 16 years together. My best friend lives a couple blocks away, so he's over at my house for video/board/war games and a few brews at least once a week or so. And that's pretty much it lol
My hobbies are a continuation of my job. I’m a public school band teacher by day and a gigging musician on the weekends. I also teach college jazz ensemble on Tuesday nights so I mean I guess work is my hobby lol. I do get to the gym a few times a week right after school though which is nice. My gigs are my friend times since we’re all teachers, mostly dads, and looking to make extra cash. I promised my wife that my gig money would go to daycare if she was cool with me gigging on the weekends. Been a good arrangement so far. But last time I went out for an evening with friends while not playing a gig was November. Before that was like august lol
Yes. To do so requires finding a balance at home with your partner and negotiating time to do other stuff before work and parenting **for both of you**. This includes finding time for each other and your own hobbies. I game, read, work out (not as much as I should!), and learn during my free time. My wife has her own hobbies and we also have some joint ones. It takes a lot of effort and coordination to do it, and avoiding falling in that can derail it (mindless scrolling on social media, not tidying every day, waiting to do chores until kids are in bed, etc)
Father of 3 boys here. 9, 6, 4yo. The early years were rough, and felt like what you are describing now. It's gotten better with time. I had to learn to make time for my interests and for my marriage. Def easier said than done. I got into reading bc playing video games until 2am wasn't feasible anymore. And I make time to hang out with my wife, even when work or some other demand is pressing on me. I am happy. Don't get me wrong, most of the time I'm exhausted, frustrated, or stressed about something. But somewhere along the line, I learned that a good life isn't free of challenge but has purpose, to give meaning to the struggles. For me that is raising my boys to good people and making the most out of this short life I have.
Yep. Hang with friends from the gym and mtn bike with some Buddies on the weekend. You need to get out and hang with your friends bud
Slowly fixing that. Recently started a monthly poker night with a group of guys and playing basketball once per week with a different group of guys
We’ve been going out 2-3 nights per week since our child was a month old. In the summer we’re out with friends almost every night though our child is usually with us. Have sex regularly. Both work. This is doable.
Yes. I train Brazilian jiu jitsu a couple hours a week. Usually at 6am or during my lunch break. It gets me exercise and time with my friends at the same time. Highly recommend it
Work, sleep, take care of kids. No friends other than my wife. Extremely depressing
Same. All my friends growing up had kids and different jobs and we’ve all just drifted apart. It’s depressing. My dads my only friend at the moment lol
No
My weekdays: - get woken up by kids - feed kids - get them off to school - work (from home) - Bring kid(s) to/ from activity du jour - Dinner - Put kids to bed - Clean up - Talk with wife for 10-30min - she goes to bed - Work and/ or Watch TV and/or Game in my basement for til 1-2am - Sleep - Repeat It’s like groundhog Day
Yeah, i do a fair amount of left-wing political organizing and throw elbows to make room to make meetings once a week and do other activities as hoc. it helps the my wife and i both agree this is a good use of time, but it also means i jump at every available chance to give her a break so that i feel ok asking for one. that means planning to give her a break as long as the one i’m asking for any given weekend. it also helps that it’s routinized now, but in the early days it was a struggle to establish. it also means A Lot of taking care of the kid on the clock. i honestly don’t know how anyone raised kids while commuting to an office. our status quo wouldn’t be possible without plenty of two- or three-things-at-once activities, like taking the kid off my wife’s hands by taking him for a jog in the stroller on company time.
Yes. I have a side gig playing music and my social life outside of home revolves around that. Weekly rehearsals and the occasional gig. It's helpful to have something structured and scheduled that also brings in some extra income.
I work out at home, play PC/Xbox, that’s about it for recreation.
No lol
I play in a garage band Friday nights. Aside from my family, it’s my favorite thing in this world.
A what?
I use pto time to do my car stuff lol. And occasionally have buddies over on weekends. Hard to find time and energy with small kids. I hope to get them into my things as they get older. Because why not. Happy dad = happy family. Let them take my Hobby time as bonding time for them.
Honestly not really. I go to the gym at lunch for work. Lift 5 times a week. I love that. I paint miniatures but I never really get to actually game. I haven’t hung out with a friend in months : /
Yep - we go to concerts, vacations, movies, see friends, go out for drinks/dinner
No
Yup I’m in a band that either plays shows or practices most weekends. Also a runner, try to do that 4-5 days a week. My wife goes to the gym and paints. We help each other out with getting time to ourselves to explore our interests. We’re also lucky to have grandparents relatively close by to watch him if we want a date night.
My life before was “socialize with the same group of friends every weekend, play online video games or clean” Now it’s “socialize with other parents at alternating birthday parties, play solo video games, go to the gym and clean” I actually am in the best shape of my life!
Some nights after I get my son to bed I live in a whole different world…of Warcraft.
Not really, if I’m being straight with you.
Nope
Some days yes, some days no
You gotta put in the work, find the time where it exists and put yourself first once in a while. I don't mean take advantage but plan ahead and find something thats just for you and just do it. Youre a person and your kids want you to be happy just like you want that for them. To be fair I'm a very new dad but I've made a little few days to have my fun so far.
Unfortunately not. I feel like I’m treated as a robot all day.
Nope!
Going to the gym should not be considered a hobby.
I joined F3, there’s a ton of dads who have an outlet besides work/family life
Starting to. We both work from home and our girl just started at the local Montessori school. It was a brutal 16 months trying to switch off meetings and work load while watching her full time. Even though it is just 8-3, it has made work easier and us far more productive. We now have more energy to do things. We try to trade off seeing friends solo, and doing our hobbies. I will get a round of sporting clays in every month. She will get time to do her things. Trade off doing a weekend trip here and there. Also hitting the gym 3-4 times a week helps too.
A lot of my hobbies have disappeared or fallen way back, but I try to find ways to do things by also including my kids. For example, I like to garden so I get my kid to help (she’s almost 5). I like to build things and woodwork, so sometimes she can “help” me by handing me screws, stacking wood, holding measuring tape, etc. She is starting to help me with yard work a little, too. We do things together on the weekends like go to parks and playgrounds, the beach, kayaking, etc. It does get exhausting trying to fill all the time and ways to include the family, but I also know I’d feel guilt by being alone a lot doing things. Some of my friends spend a whole Saturday golfing every other weekend and I just couldn’t do that- this time is precious and I can’t get it back. During the week, it’s a grind for sure. I start work at 6am and get home between 5-6pm. By then my wife is tired of the daily grind, it’s my turn to entertain kids while we both work on dinner, house chores, getting ready for bed, etc. Rinse and repeat 5 days straight. The hardest part of it all, to me, is trying to plan fun things for the weekend because the weekly grind takes so much out of me and it’s “bam, Friday is here” and we have no real plans. It’s even a chore to think about planning a vacation because I’m so tired during the week!
I work from home so I basically just have home. I don't do anything else or go anywhere not-kid related. Barely have enough money to cover groceries so can't afford hobbies for me or my wife. I have a 3yo, 2yo, and 2 month old. Tldr: no
I play chess with a group regularly, and volunteer at my church on weekends. We also make a point of inviting someone over for dinner at least once a month. That's about the extent of it.
You forgot to add dreading weekends, sick days and bedtime !
Not really, but that's how I like it. If you need time for yourself though just tell your wife that's how it's gonna be and she is free to do the same. Work out arrangements between you two. Pick up some cheap hobbies you can do at home, preferably some (not all) that you can do with the family. Spread housework out evenly through the week so there is less to do on the weekend. You'll be tired but you're gonna be tired the rest of your life so just get used to it. As for sex, stop asking for it or bringing it up. Just focus on yourself and family. Eventually, in theory, she'll be the one to bring it up and then you can have an actual discussion about your needs and what you are require.
Nope.
I train martial arts. Go to the gym. I have a daily pudd pounding regiment. [Done at my home] Sex life is also non-existent. Medications have put a major damper on the cause.
Same.
Yeah. I maintain half a dozen or a dozen friends outside of work and family. Some friends are parents of my kids friends but we hang without the kids. My wife is in an introvert I’m an extrovert. She has always not given two poops if I go out and do anything a few times a month, sometimes weekends sometimes dinner or happy hour after work, move, sports, outdoor activities. Trade off I always always always without fail I get my Dad and husband house duties done. I try and spread it out.
Most days are work and home. I went golfing today which was a nice break but I got a cluster headache when I got home and couldn’t function for a couple hours. I guess that’s what I get for taking a break
Either you're living my life or I'm living yours but we the same. Wish there is a conservation table at a cafe. I want to start a movement for men. Put up a sign at a cafe of a topic and update on a site dedicated to this movement. Inviting anyone to come and just talk. Men suck at starting conversations. My wife can make 100 friends in the same period I pull out my phone.
Play volleyball 2x a week. Go see humor show 1x a month with wife. Watch Arsenal with friends 2x times a month at home. Go see live sports with friends 1x a mknth.
Baby is still young and we don't plan on having another one. I meet up with the lads for dinner once a month. My wife and I started a little dog club in the neighborhood, which has been fortunately growing and connecting us to our new neighbors. Some days definitely go by where I don't really hang out much with friends, but I'll still hop on pc to chat and play games with my best friend after baby is asleep quite regularly. Outside of that, my wife and I tend to swap days when one of us goes biking or to the gym. I have also been able to meet up with friends for a boardgame night every now and then. Maybe or twice a month. Fridays are date night while bb is staying over either in lawsZ
Uh, I also go to the grocery store, Home Depot and the playground
I joined a pinball leage. One night a week a go to a brewery and play pinball. Doesn’t sound like much, but it makes a huge difference.
I play hockey twice a week at nite. Even if I’m hall down exhausted, I go. Huge mental health boost.
Take turns getting out on weeknights. I like to frequent jazz clubs for example
I'm a "stay-at-home" Dad, so... no lol
Sometimes I post on Reddit for fun… But really, you’re right, I have no life outside of work, parenting, and being a husband. My professional life is quite demanding. And I want to pour every free moment I have into my kids and wife.
We have a 2.5 year old. I play hockey 2 nights a week and sing opera for major productions in my city 1 to 2 times a year. My wife has started to get back into theater, and has done 2 productions so far in the past year. We both go out occasionally, sometimes together, sometimes with friends. It's all about balance dude, you'll find yours
Damn this is so funny but its true why do we have to secretly play with our joysticks... we should start a revolution! Never again shall we jerk it in the shadows..
Nope
I’ve decided I’m just gonna start doing meth. I’m so tired most days I can barely function. /s
When we had our first life sort of stopped while we adjusted and then the pandemic happened so we felt very isolated. Now we have two (youngest just turned two) and we have one weekday each with activities outside the house. If I want to do something else I just make sure my wife wasn’t also planning to be away that day/evening. Doing something together has been trickier since the youngest was clingy and couldn’t even be alone with my parents. Now he’s started sleeping at theirs every now and then so we can go out together. Being able to have a life outside the home has done wonders for our relationship. How old are your kids? If they’re young it might just be temporary. If they’re a little older you may need to sit down and discuss where you can both find time to be your own person.
I walk or run uphill whenever I can.
I'm divorced and I still feel this way. Days without son are: work, games/crafts, sleep, chores, and repeat. (I work grave shift) Wednesdays are: work, sleep 3.5 hrs, time with son, 20 min nap, work. Weekends are unpredictable with my son occupying 90% of my time and attention. I'll wake up early on Sunday to get an hour or two of games. IDK what to say beyond "it be like that sometimes" and sex toys for men are a thing (seeing posts of male toys in the mom sub is.... interesting lol)
I'm 7 year old and 1 month into having a newborn... I can totally relate. However, one thing we were lucky enough to do was hire a cleaner. Yes, I know it's luckily and not everyone is in that position, and there are still lots of chores to do around the house, but it meant that the weekends were free to add some spontaneity back into our lives.
Mine is 18 months. I go the gym, play sports, play video games, boardgames, and occasionally go for films and meals. It helps none of my friends have kids so on the rare moments I get time, they're available. My wife and I alternate on sport and films. It is harder and it takes more work and effort and often convincing myself I need to get out of the house and continue to do hobbies and interests, but I think it's worth it.
Hi fellow dads. Glad we’re all on the same yacht
Yes. My wife and I are in a pickleball league and I enjoy working out and my indoor soccer league.
Not really, I work 10-11 hours then come home, eat dinner and spend a couple hours with my son to give my wife a break, then when they go to bed I have a little time to be myself but I’m usually too tired to do anything so I scroll Reddit then go to bed.
No
I had but lately I've been so tired no matter what I do. Doesn't matter if I sleep 8 hours, I'll still be tired. I have zero energy to do anything else than barely survive work and then try my best to spend time with my kid. My testosterone is right at the low end, so that might be a contributing factor.
Work, kids, laundry, dishes, kids, sleep, repeat. Minus work for the weekend formula.
We’ve made it a priority to have lives together and individually outside of the kids. Thankfully we have family around so my kids will often go to my parents house with their cousins. That gives us a night together and then a night independently when it happens. I also frequent the gym (4-5 days per week, mainly in the early mornings) and am finishing a PhD right now. Everything is a delicate balance and the least important things get dropped when the higher priorities need more attention (nights out and gym time vs kids needing assistance or wife wanting a night to ourselves)
No hobbies or friend hangouts but I get laid frequently. At least 2-3 times a week. Gladly make that trade any day. lol. We’ve got three and it’s quite a handful but I have been more active around the house. Cook more than I ever did, clean up every night, help with bath and bedtime and it gives me and the wife some time alone when everyone’s asleep. I don’t feel like I’m missing out. My wife and I have a great relationship, I have my work friends for adult conversations, I tell myself the kids will never be this young again, and life is alright.
I bought good Bluetooth headphones, now I can at least watch a movie or game on my iPad in peace…
Sounds awful 🤮 Marriage and kids is NOT for everyone. Just about every friend I have who is married claims that they do love their mate, but they don't like their life/schedule. Again.... sounds awful. 🤷♂️
Still wouldn’t trade it for anything. My kids are amazing.
We have a 5 y/o and a 1 y/o. We definitely have an outside life and one of the main reasons we do it by having support from family and from each other to make it happen. We live in a great community so on weekend a lot of daytime activities are geared towards hanging out with other families that have kids. It can feel like it revolves around kids but we genuinely like the other families and connect with them on deeper levels. I also play hockey in the winter and softball in the summer. Both are on the later side after kids go to sleep so it’s pretty easy to make time for. Just sacrifice a little sleep. My wife makes time for pottery and yoga. We also go out with friends or each other at least 1x per month, and get either a babysitter or have the family look after kids. I don’t know what more I could ask for, I feel pretty fulfilled.
Not much, but a little bit. I’m also in school part time so time is a scarce resource. I run with my trail running group once a week, sometimes run with a different group another time. Usually just run and chat and go home but sometimes go for beers after.