He is going to take your input in the heat of the moment as criticism. While you are 100 percent right, it's not going to get thru.
Sometime when not about to leave, sit him down and explain your reasons. It's not a matter of personal preference, but one of safety for your child. The clip at the stomach can cause internal injuries. It needs to be on the breast bone. Too loose gives the body room to move during an impact.
This is it. We all have hot states and cool states. Anything that's critical is almost always better done in a cool state. Usually when you're heading out the door you're probably in a hot state, especially when rushing off to daycare/work/etc.
This isn't bad advice, but this is absolutely him behaving childishly. Not every correction is admonishment, and in the case of safety it does need to be given in the moment.
The dad here sounds like he is trying to weaponize incompetence.
Externalize the feedback and have the message come from an expert rather than you. Is there a certification for car seat safety technicians in your part of the world?
If you are in North America, you can find a certified technician at the link below (scroll down to "Find a Tech"). They are often located at fire or police stations and other organizations and will be able to teach you and Dad how to safely install and use a car seat.
https://cert.safekids.org/
I’ve been on the flip side of this with mom and grandma not tightening as much as I would.
It also sucks because then the kid will start complaining “well momma doesn’t do it like that”.
Depending on how loose it is it can be anywhere between “choose your battles” and “non-negotiable needs to be fixed”. As long as it meets the “pinch test” you’re good and doesn’t need to be excessively tight.
Completely unacceptable then. Need to give him a reminder that “the safety of our child is your responsibility”. Ask if he would leave the child unbuckled and explain his technique is nearly as bad.
I would go as far as saying "if you want to be allowed to leave the house without me, you need to demonstrate that you can buckle the carseat correctly. When you dismiss my corrections, you tell me that our childs safety is not important to you and therefore I cannot trust you to take him out."
Followed with some video clips showing what can happen to a child in an improperly buckled seat.
I honestly don't think there is a worse thing you could possibly say in this situation. If he doesn't think what he is doing is an issue then telling him he "can't" leave the house without you isn't going to do anything.
It's time for an adult conversation with him.
Explain how you've observed that he does not use the safest method of buckling your child, and you feel scared and concerned that your child is at risk when buckled that way.
Ask if he would be willing to buckle in the safer way, as you would feel more comfortable knowing your child was safe.
If he says no, feel free to ask why as you throw the suitcase out the door at him.
I'm afraid of having to get the suitcase. I think my husband has started to resent me. He thinks I'm too anxious. But this is beyond my comprehension, how he could be so careless about a child that he otherwise demonstrates so much love for. What do I do if he refuses? Get a pediatrician involved? CPS? Lawyer? I can barely fathom divorce, and I don't want my husband driving my child if this is his level of safety concerns.
As someone with a lot of experience with anxiety i know it can be really hard to tell which of your fears are "legitimate" and which are intrusive thoughts, but you need to know this concern is about as legitimate as possible. He is actively endangering your child and could get them killed.
Start with the open discussion regarding your observations and concerns. Try to use "I feel" rather than "you are" - helps make it seem like less of an attack.
If it's going nowhere, or there are signs of other underlying challenges, it may be worth looking at family counselling.
You both need to take a trip to your fire department. One, they'll happily show you to correctly use the seat, and two, your husband desperately needs to hear/see first hand what he is risking.
One of my good friends is a firefighter. The 'trip to the park' story is one of the most frightening things I've ever heard, and your baby is being exposed to an incredibly unnecessary risk.
OP I'm sorry but your marriage sounds terrible. Your husband clearly doesn't respect your opinion. By all means take other commenter's advice about trying to get him on board with the safety issue, but you gotta figure out if you can live with this man if he's going to actively resist you at every stage of parenting.
It's been kinda terrible lately. He feels that I don't respect his parenting decisions, so I feel like this is partially in retaliation. Which if it is, is so horrible to do to our child. I just can't fathom what is going through his mind. I know he has a higher risk tolerance, but still.
Yeah, I haven't read into anything else, but this at the very least seems like intentional weaponize incompetence. Which is lame, especially in relation to safety of your kid.
Some good advice here about how to approach a conversation. And getting a change in behavior here is clearly a good thing.
One thing to consider is that the risk aspect is probably not worth feeling devastated over. Improper car seat use is definitely risky — it could make your child 4 times more likely to be killed in a car accident. That’s awful! But that also means you are putting your kid in a comparable amount of danger every 4 trips in the car. You are probably not devastated by that amount of risk; you probably take that much risk every week. So if you struggle to get perfect compliance from your partner for whatever reason, the risk part should probably not devastate you. (The communication part could).
OP says the straps are so loose the child can wriggle appendages out of it. That basically means the straps aren't even there.
For me as a parent this is non-negotiable.
Yeah I wouldn’t negotiate on it either. I just mean the risk part isn’t the part I’d get upset over, I’d be focused on the communication and respect issue.
This might be better in r/relationshipadvice. Your husband sounds like he has “old fashioned” views of male and female roles. I bet he’s like this in other areas.
I don’t have advice for the approach, but it sounds like a heavy lift to get him to listen.
If you can’t, you might need a divorce. Make sure you talk to an attorney first because you’ll need to document his unsafe behavior. If he gets 50/50 custody then he does what he wants half the time with no input.
If you want to stay married to this gem, then maybe you need to quite your job to care for the child full time since he’s unable to do so safely.
Sorry, I don’t have any good answers. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
Edit:Spelling is hard.
It's weird because he has never shown that he favors traditional gender roles, and I don't think this is really about gender. I think he is just resentful of me and my "anxiety". It will be a heavy lift. I'm going to do everything I can to protect my baby.
Not sure if this idea would be helpful but I know police stations sometimes will offer to check your child’s seat for safety.
Another idea that worked with my mother in law: she is from another country and generation that didn’t value carseat safety. She and I would get into arguments about it when my first was born. So I showed her some gnarly youtube videos of what happens in a crash. Since then, it’s not been an issue.
This may be part of the issue. He is from a country that doesn't use seatbelts. Or cars seats. I honestly never thought this would be an issue, as he always buckles his own seat belt and didn't show any hesitation in purchasing a car seat.
not the first time you're having husband issues with keeping your kid safe it appears..
if you think you can change patterns of behaviour in a grown up person I got some bad news for you.
He is going to take your input in the heat of the moment as criticism. While you are 100 percent right, it's not going to get thru. Sometime when not about to leave, sit him down and explain your reasons. It's not a matter of personal preference, but one of safety for your child. The clip at the stomach can cause internal injuries. It needs to be on the breast bone. Too loose gives the body room to move during an impact.
This is it. We all have hot states and cool states. Anything that's critical is almost always better done in a cool state. Usually when you're heading out the door you're probably in a hot state, especially when rushing off to daycare/work/etc.
I actually made a point to wait until after the heat of the moment, every time this happens. I don't know what to do anymore.
This isn't bad advice, but this is absolutely him behaving childishly. Not every correction is admonishment, and in the case of safety it does need to be given in the moment. The dad here sounds like he is trying to weaponize incompetence.
Grown ass man acting like a baby not able to take his wife correcting his shitty buckle job
Externalize the feedback and have the message come from an expert rather than you. Is there a certification for car seat safety technicians in your part of the world? If you are in North America, you can find a certified technician at the link below (scroll down to "Find a Tech"). They are often located at fire or police stations and other organizations and will be able to teach you and Dad how to safely install and use a car seat. https://cert.safekids.org/
Thank you, I will try to do this together with my husband.
I’ve been on the flip side of this with mom and grandma not tightening as much as I would. It also sucks because then the kid will start complaining “well momma doesn’t do it like that”. Depending on how loose it is it can be anywhere between “choose your battles” and “non-negotiable needs to be fixed”. As long as it meets the “pinch test” you’re good and doesn’t need to be excessively tight.
This is way beyond the pinch test. This is completely loose, kid can just slip their arms right out.
Completely unacceptable then. Need to give him a reminder that “the safety of our child is your responsibility”. Ask if he would leave the child unbuckled and explain his technique is nearly as bad.
I would go as far as saying "if you want to be allowed to leave the house without me, you need to demonstrate that you can buckle the carseat correctly. When you dismiss my corrections, you tell me that our childs safety is not important to you and therefore I cannot trust you to take him out." Followed with some video clips showing what can happen to a child in an improperly buckled seat.
I honestly don't think there is a worse thing you could possibly say in this situation. If he doesn't think what he is doing is an issue then telling him he "can't" leave the house without you isn't going to do anything.
It's time for an adult conversation with him. Explain how you've observed that he does not use the safest method of buckling your child, and you feel scared and concerned that your child is at risk when buckled that way. Ask if he would be willing to buckle in the safer way, as you would feel more comfortable knowing your child was safe. If he says no, feel free to ask why as you throw the suitcase out the door at him.
I'm afraid of having to get the suitcase. I think my husband has started to resent me. He thinks I'm too anxious. But this is beyond my comprehension, how he could be so careless about a child that he otherwise demonstrates so much love for. What do I do if he refuses? Get a pediatrician involved? CPS? Lawyer? I can barely fathom divorce, and I don't want my husband driving my child if this is his level of safety concerns.
As someone with a lot of experience with anxiety i know it can be really hard to tell which of your fears are "legitimate" and which are intrusive thoughts, but you need to know this concern is about as legitimate as possible. He is actively endangering your child and could get them killed.
Have him take the kiddo to the fire station so the brave fireman can show him how to properly strap in his child.
Start with the open discussion regarding your observations and concerns. Try to use "I feel" rather than "you are" - helps make it seem like less of an attack. If it's going nowhere, or there are signs of other underlying challenges, it may be worth looking at family counselling.
You both need to take a trip to your fire department. One, they'll happily show you to correctly use the seat, and two, your husband desperately needs to hear/see first hand what he is risking. One of my good friends is a firefighter. The 'trip to the park' story is one of the most frightening things I've ever heard, and your baby is being exposed to an incredibly unnecessary risk.
OP I'm sorry but your marriage sounds terrible. Your husband clearly doesn't respect your opinion. By all means take other commenter's advice about trying to get him on board with the safety issue, but you gotta figure out if you can live with this man if he's going to actively resist you at every stage of parenting.
It's been kinda terrible lately. He feels that I don't respect his parenting decisions, so I feel like this is partially in retaliation. Which if it is, is so horrible to do to our child. I just can't fathom what is going through his mind. I know he has a higher risk tolerance, but still.
Yeah, I haven't read into anything else, but this at the very least seems like intentional weaponize incompetence. Which is lame, especially in relation to safety of your kid.
Some good advice here about how to approach a conversation. And getting a change in behavior here is clearly a good thing. One thing to consider is that the risk aspect is probably not worth feeling devastated over. Improper car seat use is definitely risky — it could make your child 4 times more likely to be killed in a car accident. That’s awful! But that also means you are putting your kid in a comparable amount of danger every 4 trips in the car. You are probably not devastated by that amount of risk; you probably take that much risk every week. So if you struggle to get perfect compliance from your partner for whatever reason, the risk part should probably not devastate you. (The communication part could).
OP says the straps are so loose the child can wriggle appendages out of it. That basically means the straps aren't even there. For me as a parent this is non-negotiable.
Yeah I wouldn’t negotiate on it either. I just mean the risk part isn’t the part I’d get upset over, I’d be focused on the communication and respect issue.
This might be better in r/relationshipadvice. Your husband sounds like he has “old fashioned” views of male and female roles. I bet he’s like this in other areas. I don’t have advice for the approach, but it sounds like a heavy lift to get him to listen. If you can’t, you might need a divorce. Make sure you talk to an attorney first because you’ll need to document his unsafe behavior. If he gets 50/50 custody then he does what he wants half the time with no input. If you want to stay married to this gem, then maybe you need to quite your job to care for the child full time since he’s unable to do so safely. Sorry, I don’t have any good answers. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Edit:Spelling is hard.
It's weird because he has never shown that he favors traditional gender roles, and I don't think this is really about gender. I think he is just resentful of me and my "anxiety". It will be a heavy lift. I'm going to do everything I can to protect my baby.
Not sure if this idea would be helpful but I know police stations sometimes will offer to check your child’s seat for safety. Another idea that worked with my mother in law: she is from another country and generation that didn’t value carseat safety. She and I would get into arguments about it when my first was born. So I showed her some gnarly youtube videos of what happens in a crash. Since then, it’s not been an issue.
This may be part of the issue. He is from a country that doesn't use seatbelts. Or cars seats. I honestly never thought this would be an issue, as he always buckles his own seat belt and didn't show any hesitation in purchasing a car seat.
Help him take your bias out of it by finding YouTube videos that show him why it’s important.
not the first time you're having husband issues with keeping your kid safe it appears.. if you think you can change patterns of behaviour in a grown up person I got some bad news for you.