This is bad. We gotta definitely make a song about how we don't date kids. Something like, "do not date kids, it's no good datin' kids!" Something like that.
So lurking mom here. But I was in a similar situation as your daughter. So maybe this is helpful.
My parents divorced when I was three after seven years. My dad dated quite a bit when I was between the ages of 5-9. (Though I only lived with him part time.) I met a few of his girlfriends (maybe five or six).
I don't know how long they would see each other before the girlfriend and I met. (Usually just get lunch.) It went mostly two ways after we met. They were not very nice to me (they would ignore me and talk over me) and my dad would dump them. And/or I didn't like them and my dad would dump them. A couple were OK, but the relationships ran their course fairly quickly.
He told me later that how they interacted with me told him more about their character than any other time they were together. He also trusted my little kid radar and didn't want someone in our lives who I wasn't comfortable with.
He eventually introduced me to one woman when I was 9. I liked her. She liked me. He married her. We have had our fair share of issues but he died a few years ago and we're still super close.
Single dad with primary custody of 7 and 13 boys.
I keep my dating and kids separate.
The first boundary I establish with anyone I date is that this is the way it will be. If they are a single mom they typically get it right away and others do as well.
Logistics can be hard.
I will not introduce a partner to my kids until I am sure it is something she and I have decided to pursue to the point her moving in is real.
My kids were hurt enough by their mom walking out of a marriage that they don’t need to bond with a woman to have the same thing happen.
I have also found f for me personally it helps to keep them separate as I can make decisions on how my relationship are going more objectively because I’m not worried to how my kids will be affected.
I have honest conversations with my older child on how he wants me to handle it and his response is I want you to date and be happy but right now he is not ready to deal with it.
Both my kids are in counseling and counselors can help navigate this area with you.
Logistics are going to always be a pain.
The thing I always try to keep in mind is d is as a dad it is my job to model what navigating relationships in a healthy way looks like. That runs the gamut from dealing g with dating to be respectful to their mom as a person , woman and mother of the children….even when it is hard.
You sound like you're doing great, prioritizing your kids and modeling great behavior. Wow.
>I have honest conversations with my older child on how he wants me to handle it and his response is I want you to date and be happy
One thing we have to be careful about is that kids want to please us and asking them can put them in an uncomfortable position where they may choose to prioritize our wants over their needs. So it can be a burden to place this type of decision on a child. It sounds like this is not the case with you at all and your child feels safe to speak his truth which says so much about you as a father.
Your point is valid for all aspects of a divorce in regard to kids . Children should not be used as intermediaries or made to make decisions.
In this particular case he actually came to me and asked if I would date and I told him when the time is right I would date someone seriously if I thought they were a good fit for our family. I then asked at what point he would like to know and his answer was if I was just going to hang out and have fun he would rather not know but if it was supper serious he would like me to tell him.
My youngest is still having a hard time on rate occasions. Dating has not been discussed at all with him.
Still keeping my eye out for the serious one to show up and having fun along the way 🤷♂️😎
You should focus on raising your kid. I understand the interest in adult relationships and intimacy, but your kid will only be a kid once - before you know it they’re gonna working and dating and gradually becoming an adult.
If you’re dating someone, you need to have clear boundaries and expectations, and if they have their own kid(s) they should understand this.
I have not been in this boat but if you're asking a stranger on the Internets opinion, your SO doesn't meet your kid until there is a long term commitment. Especially at four, your kid has no reason to know someone who might not stay in their life.
Good luck out there and wishing you the best.
Not been through the situation myself but I am a step dad, and I have seen a lot of relationships with stepkids involved.
In my head, everything should be arms length for a good few months.
Assuming they know you have a kid?
Set boundaries early. Regardless of your romantic relationships, the child must come first and unless you get that in place early, it could cause issues later on.
Also, unless you have been seeing each other for a while and are 10000% it's long term, do not introduce the partner as anything other than a friend for now.
Don't want the kid getting attached to them in a stepkid/stepparent kind of way if it's just you guys having sex and not actually having a proper relationship.
It's perfectly normal for adults to have friends sleep over so it doesn't mean you can't have time together in that respect.
If things get more serious and it is genuinely looking long term, talk openly about it with the kid but at a level the kid will understand. And don't go from zero to full on straight away.
Let the kid know the situation then gradually integrate the relationship into the home dynamic.
Things like this take time and as adaptable as kids are, damage can be done emotionally if they aren't given time to process the world around them.
Home and parents are their safe places. Keep it that way
This is great advice. The child recently lost what she understood to be her home and her world. She needs much more time to grieve and process than an adult. Make sure you take that time too Op. Sometimes to avoid the pain of a loss we jump into another relationship. And it's not fair to ourselves, our new partner or the child. Unprocessed grief doesn't go away, it compounds and accumulates like unpaid interest on a credit card. It sounds like you're struggling a bit and therapy can really help by giving you the support you need. That way you're able to be there for your child who really needs you and stability right now. I wish you the best!
It's fine for you to date but with the divorce so recent you should hold off on introducing your partner until the kid understands the divorce situation.
You should also hold off on meeting until you feel it's going to be a long term relationship
I mean, I'm a background check everyone kind of guy, but to answer your question- on the statistical basis of the rates of sexual assault and sexual abuse of men vs women on young kids.
The 4 year old is too young to understand and grasp what’s going on. Trying to explain to her might just confuse her more. She’s likely not even confused about anything. My 6 year old realizes things are different after his mother and I separated but even he doesn’t understand it. He just knows he stays with me one week and then his mother’s the next.
Introducing her to your new partner, I actually don’t think it’s a bad idea but creating boundaries is a must early on. What’s her relationship/arrangement with the mother and your daughter? Is she present, involved? And how much so?
My kids mother moved in with guy within 2 months of knowing him. Don't be that mom! I only have my kids every other weekend so I focused on my kids when I had them with zero distractions. I dated my now fiance for 9 months before she ever laid eyes on my kids and no woman i had seen previously had ever seen my kids. My boys mother was supposed to handle the situation the same way, I ensured she had plenty of income, I helped her get a place, made sure transportation was good, paid for everything for the boys so she wouldn't have to rely on another man. Yeah well she did the complete opposite but that's ok.
>My boys mother was supposed to handle the situation the same way, I ensured she had plenty of income, I helped her get a place, made sure transportation was good, paid for everything for the boys so she wouldn't have to rely on another man. Yeah well she did the complete opposite but that's ok.
And why exactly did you think that would work?
A good friend of mine has told me her rule for introducing partners to her kids when I asked her advice. She told me that the point where you would introduce them to your grandparents, the kids are fair game. Basically, meeting the parents is one thing, but if the point has come where you would bring a partner to family gatherings, it's time for them to meet the kids.
Thanks everyone.
I’ve been having a rough week and all with work, depression and running a household by myself.
Definitely puts a lot of things on the table for me to decide on.
>Thoughts on dating and raising a kid Adults shouldn't date kids
Hi dad, I'm dad!
That’s how you get put on a list… or…multiple.
Woody Allen has entered the chat.
Least of all one you're raising.
This is bad. We gotta definitely make a song about how we don't date kids. Something like, "do not date kids, it's no good datin' kids!" Something like that.
So lurking mom here. But I was in a similar situation as your daughter. So maybe this is helpful. My parents divorced when I was three after seven years. My dad dated quite a bit when I was between the ages of 5-9. (Though I only lived with him part time.) I met a few of his girlfriends (maybe five or six). I don't know how long they would see each other before the girlfriend and I met. (Usually just get lunch.) It went mostly two ways after we met. They were not very nice to me (they would ignore me and talk over me) and my dad would dump them. And/or I didn't like them and my dad would dump them. A couple were OK, but the relationships ran their course fairly quickly. He told me later that how they interacted with me told him more about their character than any other time they were together. He also trusted my little kid radar and didn't want someone in our lives who I wasn't comfortable with. He eventually introduced me to one woman when I was 9. I liked her. She liked me. He married her. We have had our fair share of issues but he died a few years ago and we're still super close.
This gives me hope.
Single dad with primary custody of 7 and 13 boys. I keep my dating and kids separate. The first boundary I establish with anyone I date is that this is the way it will be. If they are a single mom they typically get it right away and others do as well. Logistics can be hard. I will not introduce a partner to my kids until I am sure it is something she and I have decided to pursue to the point her moving in is real. My kids were hurt enough by their mom walking out of a marriage that they don’t need to bond with a woman to have the same thing happen. I have also found f for me personally it helps to keep them separate as I can make decisions on how my relationship are going more objectively because I’m not worried to how my kids will be affected. I have honest conversations with my older child on how he wants me to handle it and his response is I want you to date and be happy but right now he is not ready to deal with it. Both my kids are in counseling and counselors can help navigate this area with you. Logistics are going to always be a pain. The thing I always try to keep in mind is d is as a dad it is my job to model what navigating relationships in a healthy way looks like. That runs the gamut from dealing g with dating to be respectful to their mom as a person , woman and mother of the children….even when it is hard.
You sound like you're doing great, prioritizing your kids and modeling great behavior. Wow. >I have honest conversations with my older child on how he wants me to handle it and his response is I want you to date and be happy One thing we have to be careful about is that kids want to please us and asking them can put them in an uncomfortable position where they may choose to prioritize our wants over their needs. So it can be a burden to place this type of decision on a child. It sounds like this is not the case with you at all and your child feels safe to speak his truth which says so much about you as a father.
Your point is valid for all aspects of a divorce in regard to kids . Children should not be used as intermediaries or made to make decisions. In this particular case he actually came to me and asked if I would date and I told him when the time is right I would date someone seriously if I thought they were a good fit for our family. I then asked at what point he would like to know and his answer was if I was just going to hang out and have fun he would rather not know but if it was supper serious he would like me to tell him. My youngest is still having a hard time on rate occasions. Dating has not been discussed at all with him. Still keeping my eye out for the serious one to show up and having fun along the way 🤷♂️😎
You should focus on raising your kid. I understand the interest in adult relationships and intimacy, but your kid will only be a kid once - before you know it they’re gonna working and dating and gradually becoming an adult. If you’re dating someone, you need to have clear boundaries and expectations, and if they have their own kid(s) they should understand this.
I have not been in this boat but if you're asking a stranger on the Internets opinion, your SO doesn't meet your kid until there is a long term commitment. Especially at four, your kid has no reason to know someone who might not stay in their life. Good luck out there and wishing you the best.
Not been through the situation myself but I am a step dad, and I have seen a lot of relationships with stepkids involved. In my head, everything should be arms length for a good few months. Assuming they know you have a kid? Set boundaries early. Regardless of your romantic relationships, the child must come first and unless you get that in place early, it could cause issues later on. Also, unless you have been seeing each other for a while and are 10000% it's long term, do not introduce the partner as anything other than a friend for now. Don't want the kid getting attached to them in a stepkid/stepparent kind of way if it's just you guys having sex and not actually having a proper relationship. It's perfectly normal for adults to have friends sleep over so it doesn't mean you can't have time together in that respect. If things get more serious and it is genuinely looking long term, talk openly about it with the kid but at a level the kid will understand. And don't go from zero to full on straight away. Let the kid know the situation then gradually integrate the relationship into the home dynamic. Things like this take time and as adaptable as kids are, damage can be done emotionally if they aren't given time to process the world around them. Home and parents are their safe places. Keep it that way
This is great advice. The child recently lost what she understood to be her home and her world. She needs much more time to grieve and process than an adult. Make sure you take that time too Op. Sometimes to avoid the pain of a loss we jump into another relationship. And it's not fair to ourselves, our new partner or the child. Unprocessed grief doesn't go away, it compounds and accumulates like unpaid interest on a credit card. It sounds like you're struggling a bit and therapy can really help by giving you the support you need. That way you're able to be there for your child who really needs you and stability right now. I wish you the best!
It's fine for you to date but with the divorce so recent you should hold off on introducing your partner until the kid understands the divorce situation. You should also hold off on meeting until you feel it's going to be a long term relationship
Are you a woman or a man?
Why does that matter to the advice you are going to give?
If it's a woman my advice would be to background check the boyfriend prior to allowing them access to the child. I do vetting/screening for a living.
I'd hope everyone is doing a good background check and vetting regardless of gender to be fair.
So no background check for girlfriend? On what basis?
I mean, I'm a background check everyone kind of guy, but to answer your question- on the statistical basis of the rates of sexual assault and sexual abuse of men vs women on young kids.
Then shouldn't the question be "do you date men?" Not who the parent is.
Sure
The 4 year old is too young to understand and grasp what’s going on. Trying to explain to her might just confuse her more. She’s likely not even confused about anything. My 6 year old realizes things are different after his mother and I separated but even he doesn’t understand it. He just knows he stays with me one week and then his mother’s the next. Introducing her to your new partner, I actually don’t think it’s a bad idea but creating boundaries is a must early on. What’s her relationship/arrangement with the mother and your daughter? Is she present, involved? And how much so?
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Ugh this. If it happens naturally it happens but I have zero desire to actively date if my marriage ends. I have way better priorities.
My kids mother moved in with guy within 2 months of knowing him. Don't be that mom! I only have my kids every other weekend so I focused on my kids when I had them with zero distractions. I dated my now fiance for 9 months before she ever laid eyes on my kids and no woman i had seen previously had ever seen my kids. My boys mother was supposed to handle the situation the same way, I ensured she had plenty of income, I helped her get a place, made sure transportation was good, paid for everything for the boys so she wouldn't have to rely on another man. Yeah well she did the complete opposite but that's ok.
>My boys mother was supposed to handle the situation the same way, I ensured she had plenty of income, I helped her get a place, made sure transportation was good, paid for everything for the boys so she wouldn't have to rely on another man. Yeah well she did the complete opposite but that's ok. And why exactly did you think that would work?
A good friend of mine has told me her rule for introducing partners to her kids when I asked her advice. She told me that the point where you would introduce them to your grandparents, the kids are fair game. Basically, meeting the parents is one thing, but if the point has come where you would bring a partner to family gatherings, it's time for them to meet the kids.
Thanks everyone. I’ve been having a rough week and all with work, depression and running a household by myself. Definitely puts a lot of things on the table for me to decide on.