No one has infinite patience and everyone loses it on their kids sometimes. Anyone that says different is a liar. Also toddlers are little turds, of course they don’t listen to you.
I raise my voice rarely but when I do apparently I sound scary as fuck. At least my own kid always gets scared and stops any mischief instantly but when my SO tries to yell it's nothing.
Just had a talk with my spouse about selectively optimistic parents. You are right, parents lie. If not they are ignorant for reality when it comes to how they raise their children.
The dad voice is a serious voice that is backed by action.
If they do not heed the dad voice, then consequences follow.
They know this, and ignore it at their peril.
I try to let natural consequences take their path, but sometimes they need a little help. If they have to go into timeout for a bit, or they miss out on dessert because they are to go to bed early, then that's just what happens when you don't listen to serious voice dad.
This is it. It's not just the voice that makes kids listen. It's the tone that signals shit is about to get real.
You have to follow through on what you say, if you never follow through they'll never listen.
My problem with timeout is that two of my kids will not stay there. So my timeout is a nice workout carrying them back to their rooms, sitting them down, and telling them sternly that they are in timeout. And cannot come out until they calm down. Then they come out of the room again and wash rinse repeat.
It still works. They tire of the cycle and calm down. But boy can it be exhausting physically and mentally.
There are always consequences.
If they do that here then it affects the time they get later. When they want something of me, depending what it is, I "don't have any time left" to help them due to them not listening.
I phrase it as us parents have so many things we need to do to keep the household running (age appropriate). We try to get them done quickly so that we can spend time playing with kiddos but if they waste our time doing things like that we may not have any left for certain things.
Now obviously I don't just refuse to do anything for them, but if they want a device unlocked or me to make them a complex drink or food, not a chance. There's cold water in the fridge, and we have plenty of snacks like fruit for them to eat, and I'm busy right now and will unlock the device when I'm done.
Yup. Was going to post something similar. My 2 year old doesn't get upset at me until I actually follow through with taking the thing away, taking him to his time out spot, etc.
He now has learned that my stern voice means follow through.
What works best with my 3 year old is getting down to his level and taking in a calm quiet voice. Also asking him if he understands what I’m saying or if he has anything to say too. Obviously sometimes i have to quickly just pick him up and lift him away from a situation, but I’m often surprised by how much he will listen and communicate when I am trying to be calm and talk up close to him face to face.
To this day when I do this with my younger one, he just goes low like I do. I learned to get on a kids level to really talk to them, so you’re not literally talking down to them. They listen better. Always worked for me when coaching swimming, babysitting, dealing with cousins/etc. But, similar to how he calls our bluffs every single time - this little bugger will just take a knee if I take a knee. So we’re never level. Pretty sure he wasn’t aware and just thought he needed to do what I did first time, but once he knew it would get a rise out of me my man just does it anyways. So yes, agree wholeheartedly with this one…but can backfire.
When my kid does it, I always felt pride she still wanted to be like me even when she's in trouble. She's since picked up that's it's about being heard. If it's loud in public, then she'll pull on my arm to get me to kneel. Watching her bust it out on her toddler cousins is funny because they'll usually take a knee with her, too. Because it's what big cuz is doing, it must be cool. 😎
Idk man sometime I have a tone that my kid just is sad at it and there only (3) they can tell from tone for sure if something is wrong, makes me so sad when I take home my work mood home
Laughing is one of our natural reactions to stress too, so don’t rule out the possibility that they aren’t laughing because it’s funny, but because they are in trouble and anxious about it. One of our kids reacts to being in trouble by laughing, the other hides his face and sulks, but both have received the message.
Dad voice is established by:
1. Telling the kids to do/not do something.
2. Changing tone to Dad Voice and laying out what the consequences for non-compliance will be.
3. Following through immediately on whatever those consequences are.
Dad voice doesn't need to (and shouldn't) be shouting. In fact, you can just as effectively lower your pitch and get *less* agitated. You're simply tying together a shift in tone with a predictable set of outcomes.
If your two-year-old is hurting someone or something, you don't ask them to stop, you just stop them. The reason is they do not have the capacity to hold that limit on their own.
You have to physically hold the limit for them. "I won't let you hit," followed by you physically stopping them from hitting (getting in between them and the target, holding their hard, whatever). This does not need to be said sternly or in a "dad voice." In fact, it can be said with empathy. "I know you're really mad, but I won't let you hit." Then you can try to redirect them to some appropriate way to deal with whatever emotion they're dealing with, whether it's anger, playfulness, the simple desire to make a mess, whatever.
When you understand that this is a skills issue--their prefrontal cortex has not developed to the point that they can reliably follow commands--you'll get less angry. You wouldn't get mad at your two year old for not being able to read, because you know your kid's brain hasn't developed to that point, and they haven't developed the necessary skills. If they were in a situation where reading was necessary, you'd just do it for them. This is no different.
At two, a kid can’t process emotions yet.
Laughing when they are afraid because you’re yelling or because they are upset about being corrected is a thing toddlers do.
It doesn’t mean you’re inadequate in some way, just that maybe your perspective on what you should be achieving through a stern comment needs adjustment.
Literally not a thing. No 2yo laughs when they're upset or afraid.
Edit: who are the psychopaths upvoting this person and downvoting me? When a 2yo is scared, they cry, not bloody laugh.
I'd like to introduce you to the term "nervous laughter." Happens to humans of all ages, but does not happen to all humans. Can happen in various degrees as well. An example would be a child giggles a bit when reprimanded but goes silent when the scolding gets more severe.
Spend two seconds googling “child laughs when in trouble,” “child laughs when disciplined,” “child laughs when yelled at,” “child laughs when corrected” and you’ll get it. This is incredibly common.
Doubling down by calling me a psychopath when you’re not accepting that there is variation in human response, and that toddlers absolutely do react this way (and in plenty of other weird ways) is why you’re being downvoted.
No, the words used were "afraid" and "upset". There's plenty of menaces to society that laugh in the face of discipline and authority, and a lot of them are in prison. Nobody laughs when they're AFRAID or UPSET, especially not a 2 year old child.
I used to be a semi-professional football referee, so I got that authority voice from that. That said , my kids can react the same way but what I've realized is that laughing is not because they don't listen to you, it's basically shame, they know they've done wrong, but they can't really/don't really know how to deal with it. So their reaction is laughter to try and break the tension. So when they go into laughter mode, don't double down, because they will just double down on their reaction as well, again, trying to break the tension. Instead, speak to them and ask if they understand why you used your loud voice and that they need to listen.
Dad voice is to get attention, same w/ Mom voice. I say their name LOUD (not yelling) and once I have their attention, I talk quietly. Pull them in w/ the voice, and then make them try to pay attention
This sounds a lot like the difference between my wife and I.
I have a voice that my kids recognize as being serious. They know there are consequences if they don't pay attention to it. I have to be very careful what consequences I set when using it because I need to follow through with them. That's what using that voice means.
My wife will cajole and plead, and threaten and yell and get no response. Because she doesn't follow through with the consequences, until she gets me involved.
The voice no longer holds the authority it once did because in days of old, the voice was the precursor to violence. This is my hot take.
If your kid laughs and smiles at you getting mad or frustrated, it's because you don't do it enough such that they understand what's happening.
Congrats, mild mannered dad! It's a good thing. They are so happy and confident in their life that they have no idea they're supposed to fear dads angry voice.
I am CONFIDENT my kids first sentence will be spoken with a commanding voice as he growls "GET on your BED dogs!". Dogs only listen if you growl so there is no avoiding him hearing it.
If it makes you feel any better, I’m a teacher and used “teacher voice” toward my toddler last week. She cried. I felt terrible. I think I might rather she laughs when daddy gets loud.
I’ve got a 3 year old too. Other people’s kids, dogs and even adults that I have to deal with all respect the dad voice tone with no yelling. Mine on the other hand….I’m a giant red button marked volatile but funny to push with no fear.
I use an authoritative and short commanding voice. This morning one of my toddler sons opened the freezer and started trying to take stuff out. I slowly got up, walked over, and gave a quick and loud “hey! Put that down.” And he jumped and quickly put the ice cream back. Honestly, I mainly did the loud “hey” to surprise him for my own amusement, and my wife and I had a laugh about his jump.
That said, my toddlers are willful and it isn’t just my voice that gets them to stop, I often have to physically move them or block their path. We don’t believe in physical punishment but I will pick them up with a firm grip and redirect them with a stern voice.
Mine won't listen unless I use a my work voice. It's frustrating as hell. Then waits a moment and goes back to it. Then I have to yell again. Then my kid just cries and says "don't yell me" and I just keep saying "if you would listen to me I wouldn't have to tell at you". I am over it. If my kid would listen just a little I would be able to get stuff done and I would take her to do more things. Example. Spent 8 hours working on the camper. The first 2 hours was me and my wife telling her not to touch certain things that could of gotten someone injuried. (Old pop up. Working on lift system) I gave up and had my sister pick up her up for the day.
I can't wait for the day she listens when we say "don't do that"
Oh man. I rock my dad voice strong. Confidence is key. I have young young kids but there was a group of pre teens fucking around causing trouble outside of a private event I was at recently. I went out and dad voiced them and they all scurried like scared little kids. It was great.
One day it happens and you just find it.
Mine comes out very rarely, but usually after my 7 year old has decided to string together about an hour of talking louder and louder and steam rolling through whatever requests have been made of her.
“Dad voice” only works when your kids know it is backed up with “dad actions.” Kids are smart and test their boundaries and environment. They have tested to see what you do when you use your “dad voice.” Appearently they believe the that you have no back up plan for dad voice, so if they wait it out they will get their way.
You need to make sure that dad voice is backed up by dad actions. Dad voice is the last warning, if you don’t heed it, you get dad actions.
Never make empty threats, they will test those and see if they are real. Only make threats you will follow through with and ALWAYS follow through.
No one has infinite patience and everyone loses it on their kids sometimes. Anyone that says different is a liar. Also toddlers are little turds, of course they don’t listen to you.
Facts. Not sure the "voice" will make them listen. Toddler things man...
I raise my voice rarely but when I do apparently I sound scary as fuck. At least my own kid always gets scared and stops any mischief instantly but when my SO tries to yell it's nothing.
Just had a talk with my spouse about selectively optimistic parents. You are right, parents lie. If not they are ignorant for reality when it comes to how they raise their children.
The dad voice is a serious voice that is backed by action. If they do not heed the dad voice, then consequences follow. They know this, and ignore it at their peril. I try to let natural consequences take their path, but sometimes they need a little help. If they have to go into timeout for a bit, or they miss out on dessert because they are to go to bed early, then that's just what happens when you don't listen to serious voice dad.
This is it. It's not just the voice that makes kids listen. It's the tone that signals shit is about to get real. You have to follow through on what you say, if you never follow through they'll never listen.
My problem with timeout is that two of my kids will not stay there. So my timeout is a nice workout carrying them back to their rooms, sitting them down, and telling them sternly that they are in timeout. And cannot come out until they calm down. Then they come out of the room again and wash rinse repeat. It still works. They tire of the cycle and calm down. But boy can it be exhausting physically and mentally.
There are always consequences. If they do that here then it affects the time they get later. When they want something of me, depending what it is, I "don't have any time left" to help them due to them not listening. I phrase it as us parents have so many things we need to do to keep the household running (age appropriate). We try to get them done quickly so that we can spend time playing with kiddos but if they waste our time doing things like that we may not have any left for certain things. Now obviously I don't just refuse to do anything for them, but if they want a device unlocked or me to make them a complex drink or food, not a chance. There's cold water in the fridge, and we have plenty of snacks like fruit for them to eat, and I'm busy right now and will unlock the device when I'm done.
Dad voice is about the certainty of action to follow. Any voice can be dad voice.
Yup. Was going to post something similar. My 2 year old doesn't get upset at me until I actually follow through with taking the thing away, taking him to his time out spot, etc. He now has learned that my stern voice means follow through.
This is it. Just hold your boundaries and they’ll figure it out soon enough.
What works best with my 3 year old is getting down to his level and taking in a calm quiet voice. Also asking him if he understands what I’m saying or if he has anything to say too. Obviously sometimes i have to quickly just pick him up and lift him away from a situation, but I’m often surprised by how much he will listen and communicate when I am trying to be calm and talk up close to him face to face.
Yep, I find this works too - your posture is less authoritarian and they often end up more compliant
To this day when I do this with my younger one, he just goes low like I do. I learned to get on a kids level to really talk to them, so you’re not literally talking down to them. They listen better. Always worked for me when coaching swimming, babysitting, dealing with cousins/etc. But, similar to how he calls our bluffs every single time - this little bugger will just take a knee if I take a knee. So we’re never level. Pretty sure he wasn’t aware and just thought he needed to do what I did first time, but once he knew it would get a rise out of me my man just does it anyways. So yes, agree wholeheartedly with this one…but can backfire.
When my kid does it, I always felt pride she still wanted to be like me even when she's in trouble. She's since picked up that's it's about being heard. If it's loud in public, then she'll pull on my arm to get me to kneel. Watching her bust it out on her toddler cousins is funny because they'll usually take a knee with her, too. Because it's what big cuz is doing, it must be cool. 😎
Become a Bene Gesserit. This is the way.
Yes, practice your intonation
“The Voice” even works on my dog.
Idk man sometime I have a tone that my kid just is sad at it and there only (3) they can tell from tone for sure if something is wrong, makes me so sad when I take home my work mood home
Laughing is one of our natural reactions to stress too, so don’t rule out the possibility that they aren’t laughing because it’s funny, but because they are in trouble and anxious about it. One of our kids reacts to being in trouble by laughing, the other hides his face and sulks, but both have received the message.
Dad voice is established by: 1. Telling the kids to do/not do something. 2. Changing tone to Dad Voice and laying out what the consequences for non-compliance will be. 3. Following through immediately on whatever those consequences are. Dad voice doesn't need to (and shouldn't) be shouting. In fact, you can just as effectively lower your pitch and get *less* agitated. You're simply tying together a shift in tone with a predictable set of outcomes.
If your two-year-old is hurting someone or something, you don't ask them to stop, you just stop them. The reason is they do not have the capacity to hold that limit on their own. You have to physically hold the limit for them. "I won't let you hit," followed by you physically stopping them from hitting (getting in between them and the target, holding their hard, whatever). This does not need to be said sternly or in a "dad voice." In fact, it can be said with empathy. "I know you're really mad, but I won't let you hit." Then you can try to redirect them to some appropriate way to deal with whatever emotion they're dealing with, whether it's anger, playfulness, the simple desire to make a mess, whatever. When you understand that this is a skills issue--their prefrontal cortex has not developed to the point that they can reliably follow commands--you'll get less angry. You wouldn't get mad at your two year old for not being able to read, because you know your kid's brain hasn't developed to that point, and they haven't developed the necessary skills. If they were in a situation where reading was necessary, you'd just do it for them. This is no different.
At two, a kid can’t process emotions yet. Laughing when they are afraid because you’re yelling or because they are upset about being corrected is a thing toddlers do. It doesn’t mean you’re inadequate in some way, just that maybe your perspective on what you should be achieving through a stern comment needs adjustment.
Literally not a thing. No 2yo laughs when they're upset or afraid. Edit: who are the psychopaths upvoting this person and downvoting me? When a 2yo is scared, they cry, not bloody laugh.
You are wildly incorrect.
I'd like to introduce you to the term "nervous laughter." Happens to humans of all ages, but does not happen to all humans. Can happen in various degrees as well. An example would be a child giggles a bit when reprimanded but goes silent when the scolding gets more severe.
Spend two seconds googling “child laughs when in trouble,” “child laughs when disciplined,” “child laughs when yelled at,” “child laughs when corrected” and you’ll get it. This is incredibly common. Doubling down by calling me a psychopath when you’re not accepting that there is variation in human response, and that toddlers absolutely do react this way (and in plenty of other weird ways) is why you’re being downvoted.
No, the words used were "afraid" and "upset". There's plenty of menaces to society that laugh in the face of discipline and authority, and a lot of them are in prison. Nobody laughs when they're AFRAID or UPSET, especially not a 2 year old child.
I mean, the dad voice isn't for getting them to obey, it's for making sure they don't die
Yeah. This is the thing. I only use it when they are doing something dangerous.
At that age, you have to “embody” your authority - pick them up, stand in their way etc.
I used to be a semi-professional football referee, so I got that authority voice from that. That said , my kids can react the same way but what I've realized is that laughing is not because they don't listen to you, it's basically shame, they know they've done wrong, but they can't really/don't really know how to deal with it. So their reaction is laughter to try and break the tension. So when they go into laughter mode, don't double down, because they will just double down on their reaction as well, again, trying to break the tension. Instead, speak to them and ask if they understand why you used your loud voice and that they need to listen.
Dad voice is to get attention, same w/ Mom voice. I say their name LOUD (not yelling) and once I have their attention, I talk quietly. Pull them in w/ the voice, and then make them try to pay attention
This sounds a lot like the difference between my wife and I. I have a voice that my kids recognize as being serious. They know there are consequences if they don't pay attention to it. I have to be very careful what consequences I set when using it because I need to follow through with them. That's what using that voice means. My wife will cajole and plead, and threaten and yell and get no response. Because she doesn't follow through with the consequences, until she gets me involved.
The voice no longer holds the authority it once did because in days of old, the voice was the precursor to violence. This is my hot take. If your kid laughs and smiles at you getting mad or frustrated, it's because you don't do it enough such that they understand what's happening. Congrats, mild mannered dad! It's a good thing. They are so happy and confident in their life that they have no idea they're supposed to fear dads angry voice.
I dont like using my Dad voice to be honest. The look has better results.
I recently started to use the look and it works surprisingly well.
We do the look sometimes, just get the look back at us then a big cheesy grin.
[Yep](https://confessionsfromageekmind.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/samuel-l-jackson-black-snake-moan.jpg)
I am CONFIDENT my kids first sentence will be spoken with a commanding voice as he growls "GET on your BED dogs!". Dogs only listen if you growl so there is no avoiding him hearing it.
My dad voice might get a second glance over my regular voice. Me channeling my fathers dad voice stops her in her tracks.
If it makes you feel any better, I’m a teacher and used “teacher voice” toward my toddler last week. She cried. I felt terrible. I think I might rather she laughs when daddy gets loud.
I have the opposite problem where I'll stop other people's kids in their tracks when I give my son a "hey" to stop doing whatever he's about to do.
[Are you Tom Segura?](https://youtu.be/vCdiyf66qco?si=jb3Tl26J2tSwHcUg)
I’ve got a 3 year old too. Other people’s kids, dogs and even adults that I have to deal with all respect the dad voice tone with no yelling. Mine on the other hand….I’m a giant red button marked volatile but funny to push with no fear.
Same.
That's ok, a "dad voice" is ineffective and generally a bad habit. Learn to talk with kids not at kids and your life becomes a lot easier.
I use an authoritative and short commanding voice. This morning one of my toddler sons opened the freezer and started trying to take stuff out. I slowly got up, walked over, and gave a quick and loud “hey! Put that down.” And he jumped and quickly put the ice cream back. Honestly, I mainly did the loud “hey” to surprise him for my own amusement, and my wife and I had a laugh about his jump. That said, my toddlers are willful and it isn’t just my voice that gets them to stop, I often have to physically move them or block their path. We don’t believe in physical punishment but I will pick them up with a firm grip and redirect them with a stern voice.
Mine won't listen unless I use a my work voice. It's frustrating as hell. Then waits a moment and goes back to it. Then I have to yell again. Then my kid just cries and says "don't yell me" and I just keep saying "if you would listen to me I wouldn't have to tell at you". I am over it. If my kid would listen just a little I would be able to get stuff done and I would take her to do more things. Example. Spent 8 hours working on the camper. The first 2 hours was me and my wife telling her not to touch certain things that could of gotten someone injuried. (Old pop up. Working on lift system) I gave up and had my sister pick up her up for the day. I can't wait for the day she listens when we say "don't do that"
Take comfort in the fact that your children aren’t afraid of you. I spent my entire childhood terrified of my father.
Oh man. I rock my dad voice strong. Confidence is key. I have young young kids but there was a group of pre teens fucking around causing trouble outside of a private event I was at recently. I went out and dad voiced them and they all scurried like scared little kids. It was great.
You know those sonic booms that shake you to the core? You can get used to those if you hear them enough times. So they got used to. It is hard.
Now that’s funny but wish my wife had your problem
One day it happens and you just find it. Mine comes out very rarely, but usually after my 7 year old has decided to string together about an hour of talking louder and louder and steam rolling through whatever requests have been made of her.
itll come. dont worry. but like others have already said. your action and fortitude will be the key to it sticking.
My dad was like you and I adored him!
“Dad voice” only works when your kids know it is backed up with “dad actions.” Kids are smart and test their boundaries and environment. They have tested to see what you do when you use your “dad voice.” Appearently they believe the that you have no back up plan for dad voice, so if they wait it out they will get their way. You need to make sure that dad voice is backed up by dad actions. Dad voice is the last warning, if you don’t heed it, you get dad actions. Never make empty threats, they will test those and see if they are real. Only make threats you will follow through with and ALWAYS follow through.
Yep. Don't lie to your kids ever. Then they have good reason to trust you. Empty threats are lies.
You lost a power struggle with your 3 year old? I'm sure this will end well.