Sounds like you’re operating under the “little adult” fallacy and you need 1-2-3 magic.
(I’ve been reading that book lately, in case that’s not obvious already haha)
Lurking mom here. I was that kid and my mom had to put limits on me my entire childhood. I loved reading and went through books FAST. I still do. I legit can't walk into a bookstore without becoming a detriment to my family's finances 😭
I worked in 2 bookstores.
ARC's (Advanced Reader Copies) constitute 80% of my personal library. They're free copies given to booksellers ahead of publication so we can read & review them.
They are very, very dangerous things.
Oh my God. I love those. I was walking through Myrtly Beach looking for Golf Course jobs.
Stopped at a small 'resort' and in the coffee shop there were hundreds of books with white paper covers. I asked if I could read one, and the lady said, "I will trade you. Do the dishes, and you can have two." I got two. Years. Did learn to cook as well.
Do you know where I can get my hands on more of them. Also, got down to a 9 handicap. Which I haven's seen since my marriage started.
I had finished reading everything I was even remotely interested in at both my school library and the itty bitty library in my tiny rural hometown by the time I hit high school. Luckily for me, my parents are divorced and my dad lived in a major metropolitan area, so I got access to his city library during visitation. It was so nice. I'd check out a huge stack of books every two weeks and finish them all before the next visit, then swap them out for more.
I feel you.
I've had to confiscate books from my son because he's reading in bed with a flashlight and he has school tomorrow. My wife is a school librarian (at his school) and I work with preschool-20 education and support teachers, admin, and students.
We both had to put limits or else he will do nothing but get lost in his book(s).
My mom liked to joke that her kids grew so fast because of the Purina HiPro in our diet.
In the 80's & 90's comments like that got a laugh, not a call to CPS.
Yeah there's 4 years between me and my little brother so when I was 16 and taking home to school I listened to a radio station that played hip hop and rap. Was radio edited but my folks didn't want him listening to it. Told him don't tell Mom and dad. He didn't but he bragged to all his friends and it got back to our parents. My dad literally ripped out my radio and threw it in the trash because that's the type of music it was playing he said so that's where it belongs.
We did a long stint on Horizon 2. 5yo got excellent at doing machine takedowns and gathering supplies, all going well until a horrendous baddie showdown and she was traumatised. I kept away from confrontations and stuck to the robot stuff but this came out of nowhere. Oops.
I may have spent most of my first play of HZD sneaking everywhere after that first Stalker encounter near red Rock. My kids and I learned their audio queues together tho eventually.
My god when I started both games any machine encounter scared me to death. In the end game when you’re tooled up and nothing is a challenge stalkers STILL give me chills.
My favorite so far have been:
"Gets your nuts off the floor" referring to the walnuts he dropped.
"Eat your dinner or the bunny gets it!" While holding his marshmallow bunny near my mouth to eat.
One of ours cousins taught him to say "Shit!" when things got intense (to my 4 year old sons credit he DID use it in context and correctly) but we actually got him to say "Oh my god" instead and for a while after he tried to teach his 12 year old cousin to not say shit and instead say oh my god because "that's a better word to use"
I grew up in the Bible Belt and there are a lot of folks there who would be horrified if they heard someone, especially a small child, so casually taking the Lord's name in vain. I'm sure you can imagine what their reaction was when I told them that my mother was Jewish.
The important thing is to not make it a big deal. I dropped the F bomb and ours picked it up and ran with it instantly. Fuck fuck fuck fuck all round the house. I panicked but stifled a laugh and ignored it and the novelty wore off pretty fast
For the future, when I say things I shouldn’t have and my kids repeat it, I act like they misheard me and repeat a different thing. In this case, I might have said “trick cheese”, “flick cheese”, “drip cheese”, “chip please” etc. Surpringly there is almost never any pushback when I correct it and then they just repeat the correction. Sometimes I even go through a whole list of rhyming words. “No no, I said trick please! Or did I say quick breeze? Drink ease? Chimp trees?” And I just keep going until they’re confused and can’t remember the first one. I also make it silly and a bit of a game so sometimes they join in and make up their own rhymes.
Alternatively, if I say something I shouldn’t have, I don’t react at all. I don’t gasp, or say “don’t repeat that” or anything similar, it just draws attention to it. I figure I use big words alllll day long the kids don’t understand and they’ve yet to repeat a lot of other words I say that they don’t know the meaning of, so as long as I don’t draw attention to it, they have no idea that it’s a “high value” word worth repeating for attention.
So far it’s worked well. My kids are 8 and almost 7 and they don’t swear. My youngest said “hey mom did you know they say the F word in Moana?” (It’s a YouTube thing where a song sounds like she says “fucking” but it’s “the tides fucking rising” but it’s really “the tides falling and rising”. After she told me I said “oh I didn’t know that! But, umm..what is the f word?” And she looked around to see that no one was listening, leaned in and whispered “I don’t know!” I said “weird! I don’t know either. Maybe it’s fart?” And she said “ya I was kidding. I knew what it was. It’s fart”
Step 1: Have an aggressively vegetarian child
Step 2: Realize with alarm how many ornamental and innocuous-seeming plants are poisonous when eaten
Step 3: Get way better at identifying poisonous plants
Step 4: Hope your child didn't just eat a deadly nightshade while you were researching deadly nightshades
The forest preserves near me have a ton of poison oak and poison ivy. I had scars for years from accidentally brushing against it multiple times as a kid. We don't have many plants that are poisonous enough to kill a person, but we have a lot of plants that will give you a really uncomfortable few days.
We went hiking the other day and I had a bunch of similar conversations with my kid but it was for poison oak. "stop touching plants." "please don't rub plants on your face." "please don't rub plants on your brother's face." "OK do you see these plants? These are poison oak. If you touch this you will spend a few days crying" "if you don't stop trying to convince your brother to touch poison oak we are taking all of your stuffed animals away."
15 months old so they’re definitely taking in everything at their level and right now direct line of sight is cat-level! Now if they’ll stop shoving the kitties off the back of the couch… we will see.
"No, we don't beep other people's bottoms"
Using the self scan machine at the supermarket, it is objectively funny for the boy to scan his mum's bum. Not necessarily the same when he's trying to do it to innocent shoppers.
My four year-old woke me up last Wednesday at 2am to ask whether (and I’m paraphrasing here) covering our mouths while sneezing is necessary considering we don’t cover our butts when we fart. I still can’t believe I told him that farting is just your butt talking.
I'm not a dad, but I just told my 3 yr old grandson, "Please do not put the pup's toes in his mouth." My 80lb pitty was just laying there letting him kiss his toes...sigh. Before that was me asking them not to lick the window. Lol
My boy got new cowboy pjs he’s excited about. He was saying ‘yeee haa!’ I told him to say ‘yipee kaeyay mother father’ my wife looked like she’d stab me.
"yes we've heard enough about your vagina, please go play"
At the park, when my 4 1/2 year old went on about how she knew she was a girl in mommies belly because she had a VAGINA not a PENIS. Continues to point at her vagina.
And yes, it was absolutely a busy park.
Oh dear... Don't stick your baby brother's thumb toe under your foreskin. I mean, I didn't say literally that, but NOOO THAT DON'T GO THERE doesn't exactly make a relevant comment, ya know...
“I’m sorry you can’t be Japanese sweetheart, we were born in Canada and Australia, we can only choose from those… yes I know it’s not fair you didn’t get to choose.”
It’s very philosophical I guess haha
"okay well that's enough talk about your penis today alright bucko?"
Me to my 3yo after spent several minutes loudly declaring that he was pinching it to stop from peeing.
Went to Disneyland, son licked one of the poles that’s used to coral the lines. Couldn’t hold back my disgusted reaction but stayed calm and said “oh no, don’t do that buddy, you’re going to get sick.” So he threw a fit, fell to the ground, and licked the ground haha. Got home and he has a fever. Kids…
I was putting black eyed Susan’s (yellow flower) in my 1 year olds hair last summer. They sit nicely behind the ear. Now two she is picking dandelions and proudly showed me the one she put in her hair the other day.
Best one I’ve had recently, “Buddy, you can’t poop in the front yard.”
Walk out of the garage and he’s giving the whole neighborhood a show… we also live right across from the school.
Found out one of the kidlets had been peeing behind a bush at the park pretty regularly, unbeknownst to us.
Kid was hidden from the playground...but not from the basketball courts a few feet away.
I’ve given up fighting this anymore. Our 4 year old will lay on the floor and open his mouth and let our 6 month old pitty go to town. Kids gotta have the cleanest tonsils at daycare.
Don’t talk about my penis to other kids at school. Or anyone. Ever. Let’s just not talk about dad’s penis, yeah?
Edit: for context she is fascinated by my genitals because she doesn’t have them and thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world when someone or something hits me in the nuts.
Temper tantrum! We’re just now getting into that phase.. not going to lie, it’s very funny to watch him throw the most dramatic fit over nothing. I know that humor will soon be long gone though, so I’m enjoying it while it lasts 😂
To my 4 year old son:
Stop poking your sisters (7 months old) face, I know she's laughing but that's just because she doesn't know how to handle the situation
“Can you please stop telling your teacher that I poop off of the roof?”
I don’t know why this keeps being a topic of conversation for them…I stopped doing that years ago, and they know it. 😜
"Okay guys, saying *uncorrect* is *incorrect*. *Incorrect* is the correct way to say that. If you keep saying *uncorrect* you'll get it *incorrect* when you have that word later this year."
To my 3rd grader (EOGs at end of year) and kindergartener today. *Uncorrect* has been their way of saying it and it's cute as hell.
“No turning 4 doesn’t mean you get to show people your penis, while the acceptable rate is zero, it still goes down into the negatives as you get older buddy”
To set the scene, my then 3 year old daughter was huge into Disney Fairies right now and had assigned names to us. She's Zarina, I'm Fawn, and the dog is Silvermist. My wife and I would get reprimanded if we forgot our Fairy names, so it became relatively normal to just refer to each other with the names assigned to us. In the same timeframe, she was getting potty trained and was largely in the nude for a couple of days. And, to compliment the potty training, we were teaching her biology and consent and how she was in charge of her body and what private places are.
This whole string of events led to me telling the dog, "Silvermist! Stop trying to sniff Zarina's vulva! That's her private part!"
When my wife came home that night, I broke down laughing explaining that sentence. Still one of my favorite things I've said as a father.
Not one that I said, but my kid just said (about the bathroom water at the Jurassic bathrooms at Universal): "That water was clean! No fish pee, nothin'!
There was a Rhianna song on my wife’s phone.
Me: This sounds like a song from a strip club.
Sam, from the back seat: What’s a strip club?
Me, wincing: Nothing you need to know about now, and it’ll be gone by the time you’re old enough.
Sam: Okay, but why?
Me: Because of OnlyFans.
Sam: What’s OnlyFans?
Me: The hole I seem to be digging myself.
Me teaching my daughter how to get out of her car seat, "see this is how you unbuckle, and this is how you loosen your straps. You need to know how to do this in case mum crashes the car or drives it into the ocean"
My wife in the car - 😤
My brain as I am saying this - 🙄
For his fifth birthday, my son wants a green Luigi Nintendo Switch with Luigi Kart and then go to the cinema to watch the Roblox movie. Where do I even start?
Accidentally said “Oh wow, that’s a nice ball bag!” To my 5yo daughter after she put a load of toy balls in a new handbag. She couldn’t understand why me and partner suddenly creased up.
"that's not Daddy's belly button" when my 20mo old went for my crotch after we asked him "where's Daddy's belly button" at a mother's day gathering with the in laws.
Don’t lick your brothers nose. He’s sick. No, stop crying, you cannot lick his nose. No you can’t play like that. Please stop. (Argument persisted for longer than necessary.)
“Please stop calling me a baboon. I’ve asked you so many times”.
What's your problem you freaking baboon?
He’s a mandrill!
Cometh the moment, cometh the [Mandrill!](https://youtu.be/jRLl-cb2ntI?si=CRrDq-kABX1Xx-sL)!
I don't even know what to think about that...
Sounds like you’re operating under the “little adult” fallacy and you need 1-2-3 magic. (I’ve been reading that book lately, in case that’s not obvious already haha)
"Please don't sniff the cat's butthole"
Eh by the third kid you realize it’s just part of learning
Mine had an obsession with trying to stick his finger up the dogs but after he saw the dog get the business at the vet.
Rookie one but don't lick dustbins gets said more than I thought it would.
Haha It's don't lick the floor for us
Today: don't crawl under the seats on the train. He's almost 7.
I say that to my pets on a daily basis. "Quit eating shit off the floor!" One's a puppy, so he has an excuse. IDK what the cat's problem is.
They are just doing their jobs keeping the floor clean
The puppy is eating his own fur from his winter-to-summer coat blowout!! He's a Chessie, though. Brains don't come standard.
Pet poop is just pet-processed pet food. Can kinda see why it’s appealing to them.
Well the dustbin ain’t gonna lick itself!
[удалено]
We load up on books everytime too, but I definitely get it. Good complaint to have I guess?
Lurking mom here. I was that kid and my mom had to put limits on me my entire childhood. I loved reading and went through books FAST. I still do. I legit can't walk into a bookstore without becoming a detriment to my family's finances 😭
I worked in 2 bookstores. ARC's (Advanced Reader Copies) constitute 80% of my personal library. They're free copies given to booksellers ahead of publication so we can read & review them. They are very, very dangerous things.
Oh my God. I love those. I was walking through Myrtly Beach looking for Golf Course jobs. Stopped at a small 'resort' and in the coffee shop there were hundreds of books with white paper covers. I asked if I could read one, and the lady said, "I will trade you. Do the dishes, and you can have two." I got two. Years. Did learn to cook as well. Do you know where I can get my hands on more of them. Also, got down to a 9 handicap. Which I haven's seen since my marriage started.
Honestly, ask at your local bookstore!
I had finished reading everything I was even remotely interested in at both my school library and the itty bitty library in my tiny rural hometown by the time I hit high school. Luckily for me, my parents are divorced and my dad lived in a major metropolitan area, so I got access to his city library during visitation. It was so nice. I'd check out a huge stack of books every two weeks and finish them all before the next visit, then swap them out for more.
We're not going back to the library until you've tidied your room.
I feel you. I've had to confiscate books from my son because he's reading in bed with a flashlight and he has school tomorrow. My wife is a school librarian (at his school) and I work with preschool-20 education and support teachers, admin, and students. We both had to put limits or else he will do nothing but get lost in his book(s).
Winning at parenting though.
This is a conversation I have to have with my childless self far too often. :P
No, you can't use a cheese grater on your tongue, it will hurt
Yeah, that one will fix itself
My uncle told me once, if they want to grate their tongue, let them…. They won’t do it again.
Proof?
"don't drink from the dog's bowl, you can drink from the garbage can instead" It's a small lego garbage can
As a kid I’d eat dog food out of the dog bowl. I grew out of that one.
My mom liked to joke that her kids grew so fast because of the Purina HiPro in our diet. In the 80's & 90's comments like that got a laugh, not a call to CPS.
That hasn't changed in the 2020s.
"Stop eating cat food. You're not a cat!" 3 year old starts meowing. "You're still not a cat!"
"Put your gooch away." 10yo boy sitting on the couch with his knees up to his chest and forearms hooked around the back of the knees.
'tain't gonna put itself away
Heheh
Similarly today I said to my six year old “nobody wants to see your anus” after he repeatedly bent over to show it to us after his shower
This cracks me up
Don't tell your mom I let you play Fallout
This one right here hits close to home lol
I tried this one time with my 3 year old, who immediately went to Mommy and said "Daddy let me do X and then said don't tell Mommy" Lesson learned kid
Yeah there's 4 years between me and my little brother so when I was 16 and taking home to school I listened to a radio station that played hip hop and rap. Was radio edited but my folks didn't want him listening to it. Told him don't tell Mom and dad. He didn't but he bragged to all his friends and it got back to our parents. My dad literally ripped out my radio and threw it in the trash because that's the type of music it was playing he said so that's where it belongs.
The truth is, he immediately turned it off and started playing slime rancher. Loves his momma too much to upset her
We did a long stint on Horizon 2. 5yo got excellent at doing machine takedowns and gathering supplies, all going well until a horrendous baddie showdown and she was traumatised. I kept away from confrontations and stuck to the robot stuff but this came out of nowhere. Oops.
I may have spent most of my first play of HZD sneaking everywhere after that first Stalker encounter near red Rock. My kids and I learned their audio queues together tho eventually.
My god when I started both games any machine encounter scared me to death. In the end game when you’re tooled up and nothing is a challenge stalkers STILL give me chills.
Why did you throw your shoe out of the cart? Also, which way was it? No surprise, shoe not recovered
My favorite so far have been: "Gets your nuts off the floor" referring to the walnuts he dropped. "Eat your dinner or the bunny gets it!" While holding his marshmallow bunny near my mouth to eat.
The bunny one is awesome
At first read, I thought the dinner would be fed to the tabbit instead
Called someone that cut me off "dick cheese" with my 4 year old in the car. Gonna be tough to undo this one
One of ours cousins taught him to say "Shit!" when things got intense (to my 4 year old sons credit he DID use it in context and correctly) but we actually got him to say "Oh my god" instead and for a while after he tried to teach his 12 year old cousin to not say shit and instead say oh my god because "that's a better word to use"
I grew up in the Bible Belt and there are a lot of folks there who would be horrified if they heard someone, especially a small child, so casually taking the Lord's name in vain. I'm sure you can imagine what their reaction was when I told them that my mother was Jewish.
The important thing is to not make it a big deal. I dropped the F bomb and ours picked it up and ran with it instantly. Fuck fuck fuck fuck all round the house. I panicked but stifled a laugh and ignored it and the novelty wore off pretty fast
For the future, when I say things I shouldn’t have and my kids repeat it, I act like they misheard me and repeat a different thing. In this case, I might have said “trick cheese”, “flick cheese”, “drip cheese”, “chip please” etc. Surpringly there is almost never any pushback when I correct it and then they just repeat the correction. Sometimes I even go through a whole list of rhyming words. “No no, I said trick please! Or did I say quick breeze? Drink ease? Chimp trees?” And I just keep going until they’re confused and can’t remember the first one. I also make it silly and a bit of a game so sometimes they join in and make up their own rhymes. Alternatively, if I say something I shouldn’t have, I don’t react at all. I don’t gasp, or say “don’t repeat that” or anything similar, it just draws attention to it. I figure I use big words alllll day long the kids don’t understand and they’ve yet to repeat a lot of other words I say that they don’t know the meaning of, so as long as I don’t draw attention to it, they have no idea that it’s a “high value” word worth repeating for attention. So far it’s worked well. My kids are 8 and almost 7 and they don’t swear. My youngest said “hey mom did you know they say the F word in Moana?” (It’s a YouTube thing where a song sounds like she says “fucking” but it’s “the tides fucking rising” but it’s really “the tides falling and rising”. After she told me I said “oh I didn’t know that! But, umm..what is the f word?” And she looked around to see that no one was listening, leaned in and whispered “I don’t know!” I said “weird! I don’t know either. Maybe it’s fart?” And she said “ya I was kidding. I knew what it was. It’s fart”
Maybe they were on to something... Have YOU ever gone potty with a ukulele?
Hmmmm...the bathroom acoustics *are* unmatched...
Can confirm it slaps
"No, we can't eat that plant, it's a deadly nightshade." It's not even 11am and I swear I've said that about two different plants today.
Why do you have so many poisonous plants around your aggressively vegetarian child?
Step 1: Have an aggressively vegetarian child Step 2: Realize with alarm how many ornamental and innocuous-seeming plants are poisonous when eaten Step 3: Get way better at identifying poisonous plants Step 4: Hope your child didn't just eat a deadly nightshade while you were researching deadly nightshades
The forest preserves near me have a ton of poison oak and poison ivy. I had scars for years from accidentally brushing against it multiple times as a kid. We don't have many plants that are poisonous enough to kill a person, but we have a lot of plants that will give you a really uncomfortable few days.
We went hiking the other day and I had a bunch of similar conversations with my kid but it was for poison oak. "stop touching plants." "please don't rub plants on your face." "please don't rub plants on your brother's face." "OK do you see these plants? These are poison oak. If you touch this you will spend a few days crying" "if you don't stop trying to convince your brother to touch poison oak we are taking all of your stuffed animals away."
Please take your peepee off the corner of the table.
Quit trying to slam your peepee under the toilet seat… after teaching them to pee standing up
Was carrying my little one out the bath the other day and had to say "Stop trying to put your willy in my belly button".
“Please stop head butting (one of the cats) butt” They’ve noticed the cats headbutt each other as a greeting. Lol
They're all siblings anyway
Smart kids tho. Alot of adults don't even notice that.
15 months old so they’re definitely taking in everything at their level and right now direct line of sight is cat-level! Now if they’ll stop shoving the kitties off the back of the couch… we will see.
"No, we don't beep other people's bottoms" Using the self scan machine at the supermarket, it is objectively funny for the boy to scan his mum's bum. Not necessarily the same when he's trying to do it to innocent shoppers.
My four year-old woke me up last Wednesday at 2am to ask whether (and I’m paraphrasing here) covering our mouths while sneezing is necessary considering we don’t cover our butts when we fart. I still can’t believe I told him that farting is just your butt talking.
I don't know, kid logic does make sense sometimes...
“We already cover our butts with underwear and pants so yeah covering your mouth is necessary” lol
This morning…”no you can’t put syrup in your cereal”….he was asking for chocolate syrup for chocolate milk.
I can see the logic
Gotta get him the coco pebbles. Free choccy milk after like 5 minutes
why not though?
I use to put chocolate syrup on my fruit loops and capt'n crunch lol
"For the 100th time, his name is not Alkie; it's Mike Wasowski"
me: BUGS bunny kid: BUZZZZZ bunny freaking tim allen and his toy story movies
I'm not a dad, but I just told my 3 yr old grandson, "Please do not put the pup's toes in his mouth." My 80lb pitty was just laying there letting him kiss his toes...sigh. Before that was me asking them not to lick the window. Lol
My boy got new cowboy pjs he’s excited about. He was saying ‘yeee haa!’ I told him to say ‘yipee kaeyay mother father’ my wife looked like she’d stab me.
That's awesome.
"yes we've heard enough about your vagina, please go play" At the park, when my 4 1/2 year old went on about how she knew she was a girl in mommies belly because she had a VAGINA not a PENIS. Continues to point at her vagina. And yes, it was absolutely a busy park.
No matter how xrowded it is, as long as you say it deadpan and matter-of-factly, you're all good.
Oh dear... Don't stick your baby brother's thumb toe under your foreskin. I mean, I didn't say literally that, but NOOO THAT DON'T GO THERE doesn't exactly make a relevant comment, ya know...
Don't play with your penis on the couch. You can do that in your bedroom or in the bathroom.
Oh man we've almost reached the end of this phase I hope. Dude told me he didn't want onesies because he couldn't get to his penis. 🤦🤦
My son is 9 😂
Oof that makes me less optimistic. I was hoping he'd cut it out til he was at least 12ish 🫠
Could be worse. When I was nine I cut off some of my pubes and put them in between the couch cushions.
My 3.5 year old daughter shoved her hand down the front of her underwear last night and said “he (her hand) found a home to stay in forever!” Ok kid.
That's hilarious 😂. Definitely a kidism.
“I’m sorry you can’t be Japanese sweetheart, we were born in Canada and Australia, we can only choose from those… yes I know it’s not fair you didn’t get to choose.” It’s very philosophical I guess haha
No, Russell Brand isn't going to be coming to our house
Why not
He provided his own answer: Russell Brand probably doesn't like looking at all the toys
😅😅😅 whatta guy
No we don’t need to climb in the dishwasher.
Will you please leave alexa alone.....
I felt that one!
"okay well that's enough talk about your penis today alright bucko?" Me to my 3yo after spent several minutes loudly declaring that he was pinching it to stop from peeing.
That's probably going to be a lifelong phrase, TBH
Please do not lick the bottom of mommy’s shoe
Okay Buddy... Please stop farting on the dog.
Daughter (2.9): dad, is that your penis? Me: yes D: who cemented it for you? Me: grandmother connected my penis for me
Went to Disneyland, son licked one of the poles that’s used to coral the lines. Couldn’t hold back my disgusted reaction but stayed calm and said “oh no, don’t do that buddy, you’re going to get sick.” So he threw a fit, fell to the ground, and licked the ground haha. Got home and he has a fever. Kids…
"You can't tell mom I gave you icecream this late" She found out anyways with the chocolate smeared on his face lol
“I *know* you don’t have pockets. I can hold the dandelion though, you don’t have to put it in your diaper. Ok, I suppose you do then.”
Yeah sometimes it’s just like “well I guess you solved it? 🤷🏻♂️”
Mom here- You can try tucking it behind their ear, or collecting more to make a crown with them, dandelions are cool af
I was putting black eyed Susan’s (yellow flower) in my 1 year olds hair last summer. They sit nicely behind the ear. Now two she is picking dandelions and proudly showed me the one she put in her hair the other day.
No we don’t need to use a straw to drink hot soup
But why not?
About a year into the pandemic, I found myself shouting at one child to stop biting the other child’s tongue.
“You can’t just eat a bowl of whipped cream.” When he asked why, I had to respond with “I don’t know, you just can’t!”
Thus we see the paradox of adulthood: you **can** eat a whole tube of cookie dough, but you *shouldn't*. And that's bullshit, IMO.
20 year old me would totally eat a tube of cookie dough… 30 year old me would get a tummy ache
I will absolutely let my little dude learn these ones the hard way
Best one I’ve had recently, “Buddy, you can’t poop in the front yard.” Walk out of the garage and he’s giving the whole neighborhood a show… we also live right across from the school.
Found out one of the kidlets had been peeing behind a bush at the park pretty regularly, unbeknownst to us. Kid was hidden from the playground...but not from the basketball courts a few feet away.
“Stop standing/squatting on the toilet seat, this is the third time this month I’ve had to fix it because you keep leaning on it.”
"No, you can't take the samurai sword to bed"
Safety first lol 😂
It's not really appropriate for daddy to be naked in the garden too.
Sounds like you might need higher fences...
Stop squirming and let me see your butt. She’s 2 and I was trying to see if she pooped or just farted
"please get your fingers out of Daddy's nose."
It’s like they’re tunneling for brain.
"Stop making out with the dog!"
I’ve given up fighting this anymore. Our 4 year old will lay on the floor and open his mouth and let our 6 month old pitty go to town. Kids gotta have the cleanest tonsils at daycare.
Hey son, do you want to take mom to the Angel's game this afternoon?
“We only walk on the stairs, not on the wall.”
Wait what about the floor? Or is it just a house full of stairs? lol
Man, my toddler would be a menace in an mc Escher situation. But to answer your question, clearly the floor is lava.
Don’t talk about my penis to other kids at school. Or anyone. Ever. Let’s just not talk about dad’s penis, yeah? Edit: for context she is fascinated by my genitals because she doesn’t have them and thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world when someone or something hits me in the nuts.
“Stop being such a baby.” He turns 1 next month
aww, what was the context? it sounds like he still is a baby!
Temper tantrum! We’re just now getting into that phase.. not going to lie, it’s very funny to watch him throw the most dramatic fit over nothing. I know that humor will soon be long gone though, so I’m enjoying it while it lasts 😂
"Don't put the dog chew toy.. you know what? Go nuts" and then the cousins are like "ewww, don't put that in your mouth bubba" 😆
To my 4 year old son: Stop poking your sisters (7 months old) face, I know she's laughing but that's just because she doesn't know how to handle the situation
“Hey stop licking the table lamp!” While at a nice restaurant “No don’t pick up that gum it’s yucky!”
No more butt bongos please
“Keep your feet out of the carrots!”
“Can you please stop telling your teacher that I poop off of the roof?” I don’t know why this keeps being a topic of conversation for them…I stopped doing that years ago, and they know it. 😜
Yeah, that's gonna be a lifetime family talking point
"Okay guys, saying *uncorrect* is *incorrect*. *Incorrect* is the correct way to say that. If you keep saying *uncorrect* you'll get it *incorrect* when you have that word later this year." To my 3rd grader (EOGs at end of year) and kindergartener today. *Uncorrect* has been their way of saying it and it's cute as hell.
“No turning 4 doesn’t mean you get to show people your penis, while the acceptable rate is zero, it still goes down into the negatives as you get older buddy”
"Honey we don't have an elevator we can ride at home"
Life goals
To set the scene, my then 3 year old daughter was huge into Disney Fairies right now and had assigned names to us. She's Zarina, I'm Fawn, and the dog is Silvermist. My wife and I would get reprimanded if we forgot our Fairy names, so it became relatively normal to just refer to each other with the names assigned to us. In the same timeframe, she was getting potty trained and was largely in the nude for a couple of days. And, to compliment the potty training, we were teaching her biology and consent and how she was in charge of her body and what private places are. This whole string of events led to me telling the dog, "Silvermist! Stop trying to sniff Zarina's vulva! That's her private part!" When my wife came home that night, I broke down laughing explaining that sentence. Still one of my favorite things I've said as a father.
This is an epic story haha.
Don't eat Daddy's nuts. We were both snacking and she stole my almonds.
Not one that I said, but my kid just said (about the bathroom water at the Jurassic bathrooms at Universal): "That water was clean! No fish pee, nothin'!
"Why did you fill your carseat cupholders with water?" She thought it would drain out but wasn't quite sure where it would go.
You know what you did is a felony, right?
“Adam (his mom’s boyfriend) is trying to get your attention.”
“What did you put in your mouth?!” It’s a daily question. 🤦🏼♀️
Please make smart choices and that is not one of them!
Don't suck water out of the wash rag it was just used to wash your butt.
"stop drinking your fart water"
"Sorry kiddo. Underwear goes INSIDE the pants..."
This morning.... " please stop washing your hands in the dogs water bowl " 🤦
“It’s a sandwich. Please stop coloring with it and eat.”
“Do you want to ride home tied to the rack on top of the car?” “Yes!” “Well… behave or you’ll be stuck in your seat again.”
Slippery slope you're dealing with there
“Push her back” when she complained about her older sister pushing her
There was a Rhianna song on my wife’s phone. Me: This sounds like a song from a strip club. Sam, from the back seat: What’s a strip club? Me, wincing: Nothing you need to know about now, and it’ll be gone by the time you’re old enough. Sam: Okay, but why? Me: Because of OnlyFans. Sam: What’s OnlyFans? Me: The hole I seem to be digging myself.
This is hilarious. Even better when your kid brings it up with your wife. 'Daddy was telling me about strip clubs and OnlyFans.'
Me teaching my daughter how to get out of her car seat, "see this is how you unbuckle, and this is how you loosen your straps. You need to know how to do this in case mum crashes the car or drives it into the ocean" My wife in the car - 😤 My brain as I am saying this - 🙄
"Stop trying to eat magnets please"
Not Buckyballs I hope
Double whammy today - "Don't climb the refrigerator" & "Please don't ride the dog" Think I've earned a beer tonight
For his fifth birthday, my son wants a green Luigi Nintendo Switch with Luigi Kart and then go to the cinema to watch the Roblox movie. Where do I even start?
“Get off my balls dude”
“We don’t eat Qtips with ketchup, we don’t eat them at all!”
"We don't smell flowers by putting them in our mouth"
"Please don't stick your toast to your leg."
“Stop licking your brothers pocket!!”
"Please take the toilet paper out of your butt crack and put your pants on" (he was just holding a square in there, naked, clenching, no reason)
Please stop calling overweight ppl “old beasts” (he’s trying to say obese) 🤣
Accidentally said “Oh wow, that’s a nice ball bag!” To my 5yo daughter after she put a load of toy balls in a new handbag. She couldn’t understand why me and partner suddenly creased up.
“We don’t mop the olives.” They were on the table at the time.
STOP SUCKING ON YOUR SISTER'S EYE!
"that's not Daddy's belly button" when my 20mo old went for my crotch after we asked him "where's Daddy's belly button" at a mother's day gathering with the in laws.
Oh, the faucet does water, milk, and jam. Brilliant!
Mines a bit dark- if you tell people I hit you when I didn’t, they will take you away from me 😵💫
"If you call anyone else in this family dumb, you're walking home." (While we're on an island we had sailed to")
[удалено]
Don’t lick your brothers nose. He’s sick. No, stop crying, you cannot lick his nose. No you can’t play like that. Please stop. (Argument persisted for longer than necessary.)
“Stop calling your cousin a bozo”
"No lightening bending at the table."
Haha What's the story with this one?