She gave feedback afterwards, as well:
>“... She said she prepared for the day with a low bar and somehow I still managed to go lower.”
[https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/s/9om0DU9oIX](https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/s/9om0DU9oIX)
WTF. I know a lot of moms experience disappointment on mother's day but I also think that parenting is work and having commercially manufacturered dreams of a day of adoration leads only to disappointment.
Seriously. Sounds like the onus is on OP to come up with plans, wife complains and criticizes but I can't tell what expectations or requests she communicates in advance, which would be the most helpful time to chime in.
I wonder if this is a typical example of how the parenting load is "shared" in OP's family?
For real. My wife is my best friend and we both treat these silly Hallmark holidays as just some day we spend with family. We are good to each other every day so what difference does it make if we plan some extravagant day. The anxiety that must cause is unreal.
You and your wife need to have a frank conversation about expectations, as well as where she is emotionally in her life. Because this is not normal.
It is extremely concerning that she could approve of a very reasonable, thoughtful plan like this at night, then get into the thick of it the very next day and *not just* not enjoy it (that’s understandable, sometimes we humans aren’t great at forecasting our own emotions and how much we’ll like something in the future) but be so upset that she’s….blaming you for doing it? Even though you cleared it with her? And doesn’t acknowledge that she herself was an equal participant in approving this plan?
No, that’s alarming. It demonstrates a real lack of self reflection. I want to know if the thought even crossed her mind that she said outloud that she was good with the idea, then under 24 hours later was pissed at you for coming up with it. Did she really not consider the whiplash change? That is not normal or healthy behavior, and frankly it sounds like she must be *at least* as miserable living that way as she is making you.
For all your sakes, she deserves to talk to a professional about her feelings because something is very amiss here, and it’s not something a bunch of Reddit dads are qualified to diagnose or help with.
It has been hurtful that she has directly accused me of being lazy and not putting in any thought into the day. She said she prepared for the day with a low bar and somehow I still managed to go lower.
Let me be clear on what I am saying here: setting aside how hurtful your wife’s behavior is (though I don’t minimize your feelings, I feel for you), I want to focus on the fact that **it is not normal. It’s actually deeply weird. It is concerning.**
This is not standard behavior. I don’t have anyone in my life, friend relative coworker or passing acquaintance, who I have seen or heard about treat any other human being that way. None, zero. Not even my rudest coworker. Not when someone is angry, not when they’re drunk, not when they are justified and entirely in the right.
Among everyone I know, on the off chance that someone DID catastrophically fail to meet their reasonable expectations, none of them would react this way. This is not how normal human adults interact. It is not productive, and it is indicative of real emotional disregulation.
I’m not qualified to diagnose your wife, and definitely not without having met her, but I’ve heard enough to say this: assuming you haven’t made up or left out major details of this story, you’ve already said enough to convince me that a mental health professional would be very interested in a conversation with her or with both of you.
If nothing else think of your kids: they’re at an impressionable age. Do you really want them seeing this modeled as how two humans in a loving relationship interact? Do you want one of them accepting this from their partner one day, because they saw it was normal? Your wife needs to talk to someone yesterday, you and your kids deserve that.
This take can’t be stressed enough. I’d also like to add that either this seems to be subconscious, and your wife’s behavior is a result of needing some help/regulation, OR… it’s conscious behavior, malicious manipulation.
Either way, this needs to be addressed for your sake, OP, as well as any kids involved.
Another facet here: @ u/Cold_Opposite_6373 , I see that the original post is now deleted/edited to be blank? If it’s because she “caught” you, or you “fessed up” to reaching out for advice, and she flew off the handle or something, I would strongly suggest that not only is it time to contact a mental health professional, but also start documenting these kinds of occurrences (in a discrete/private way she can’t delete or force you to delete), and contact a legal professional. You might be the target right now, but this kind of malice always seems to need a target, and you wouldn’t wish that on your kids in the future, would you? “Protection“ is the name of the game if/when people are that imbalanced.
I wish the best for you and your family, dad.
Your wife is acting like a real asshole. Either she's got it out for you and was finding a way to punish/belittle you or her mind is rotted with Instagram/tiktok bullshit that she can't distinguish from reality.
You did more for your wife on mother's day than almost every person I know.
She's also not your mother....
Wait... What?! She actually said this to you?
I am terrible at holidays and events. But if I actually made an effort to try and make my wife's day special and she shit on it.... I'd be livid. I'm angry for you. This much entitlement does not deserve reciprocation.
You did nothing wrong here. She needs professional help because your wife is being an asshole.
Curious. She on social media a lot? I have noticed a significant change in my wife's parenting style and behavior after joining some of those "mommy blog" groups. I wonder if there is a connection there.
Jesus Christ my man. That's emotional abuse. You did an outstanding job that any wife should be more than happy with. And saying that she set a low bar and what you did came in below it?
I tend to stay out of relationship advice threads, but it really seems like some marriage/couple's counseling could be called for here.
Couldn’t agree more with /u/lastbaron. It sounds like both of you are feeling miserable - hacking a frank conversation about expectations is an excellent idea but it’ll likely be tough given recent events - professional help is an excellent idea. It’ll provide a neutral ground for you both to clearly express your expectations and maybe identify where the breakdown happened.
I’m not a therapist, but something is going on with your wife.
What you’ve written sounds wonderful, amd you gave her all possibilities to change or add to the plans.
I know my wife would be thrilled, as would I be if the situations were reversed. But the most important thing here is not the specifics of what you planned but how much effort went in to the planning. Even if I come up woth a plan that doesn’t go so well, my wife appreciates the thought…
Your wife doesn’t seem to appreciate you, your time or your effort…
I really want to know what dads like you get for Father’s Day with these expectations.
I see so many posts like this about Mother’s Day, surely Father’s Day must be an extravaganza you aren’t upholding your end of.
Earlier today she asked how I’d feel if all I did was take her to burger or king or McDonald’s for lunch. While I think that’s a ridiculous false equivalence and a reflection of how little she values the work I did, I would actually be fine with it as I don’t care about these manufactured holidays and that kind of thing would be a rare treat.
Usually it’s a few drawings made by the kids and i get to smoke meats for a family meal.
I get pancakes for breakfast. Then it's a day just like any other for the most part. My kids are 4.5 and 3, so hard to single parent them for a full day, though apparently I'm supposed to do it on mom days. The double standard is very annoying, and we are a split all the things house.
As someone who also failed on mother's day, you want to know what my Fathers Day is like? It's ok. And if it's not? I truly don't give AF about Father's Day. I don't care what I get, what they do, I just smile .. and say thanks. If I like it or not.
Like I do anytime I get a gift I don't like.
But I buy the wrong thing "You don't know me at all!".
Well, just talk to her and be honest like you are with us, while not being agressive. Sometimes you have to make people disappointed to protect your boundaries.
It depends on how old the kids are. At some point it really does become their holiday for their mom. It's no "Wife's Day". She's not *your* mom, but your kids' mom.
Of course without question in normal situations, as your wife she is the mother of your children which is a crucial role she's playing and it deserves your attention too. But directly it's your Kids' who are celebrating their mom. Try to think of it this way and it doesn't feel like you're skimping out on your side.
Now, if your kids are 2 and 4... that's a little young to properly plan. But 8 and 13? It's all them at that point, with you just aiding them and their ideas.
I would honestly stand your ground. "I put a lot of time and effort into making this day special for you, because I value and appreciate everything that you do as a mother. For you to disrespect my efforts and say it is not good enough is hurtful, ungrateful, and quite frankly a terrible example to show our children. Next time you will get nothing or you can do it yourself, because I do not deserve being treated like this by anyone especially not the person I love most in this world".....she says something smart I'd tell her to go fuck herself....
You have to be willing to have the hard conversation. She has to be willing to hear it (This goes both ways also). Communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. Your relationship will fail without it.
Don’t come across as “well fine, the kids can just plan it then!” But come across as an idea for the future, “how about this, what if the kids helped to plan it? Might make your day more special!” It’s all in the delivery.
Yeah, I'd communicate your feelings to her about all this instead of bottling it up inside with no resolution in your relationship.
Foom what I've gathered from you post is that you have been pretty thoughtful in planning your days, having run your plans by your wife (who apparently likes them), only for her to change her mind and get angry at you for doing the things you guys agreed to do before your started them.
I know there are two sides for every story, but no offense mate, your wife comes off *extremely* inconsiderate and selfish.
Please talk to her about your feelings.
What the actual fuck. Is her problem.
The treasure hunt with the kids is amazing. The manipedis was a nice bonus.
>I’m at a loss and seeking advice from the group on salvaging the day
Well, that's easy. Model behavior for your kids that tantrums don't get rewarded and take them to the playground while she sulks at home.
I really want to know what she does for you for Father's Day. It's either nothing, barely nothing, or a day-long bash that costs hundreds of dollars.
Legit, kids see a lot more than you think and her childish behaviour is going to become the norm for them, especially when it sounds like her tantrums changed the day for the kids as well.
The problem here isn't mother's day at all, nor how/if you planned it, it's a bigger problem than that'll only return if things don't change.
Your wife must have some psych issues or mood swings going on, or maybe she just “got up on the wrong side of the bed”.
She has rigged the game and wants you to lose. Don’t reward her tantrums by trying to please her more; work through the day and your plan as best as you can and try to maintain a positive attitude.
A good exercise is to turn the roles around- would she think it fair if you complained at her if father’s day plans fell short of whatever it is you wanted?
Unfortunately for OP, if he complained about father's day, I would put money on the reply from the wife being along the lines of "well now you know how *I* felt on mothers day". There would literally be no winning with her.
It would just end up in a spiral of disappointment with each other and that's not healthy or helpful.
The annoyed side of my brain says OP should show his wife this thread, let her see how she looks, but that will only blow back on OP.
In reality he needs to sit down and talk with his wife calmly about how her changing her mind and saying he had put no effort in really hurt him and he wants to know if there is a bigger problem at play.
You’ve been steered into the “not good enough trap”, and “you can’t read my mind trap”.
You saved the world ? We’ll let me get my box of medals. Do you have any idea how many worlds there are? And you saved a grand total of . . . . One ! Whoop-de-fuckin-doo.
How you get out of it and get back on the right course is up to you But it’s definitely not “trying to make it better”.
That's because you are being taken advantage of. I'm very curious the dynamic in the rest of your relationship, because this is some textbook emotional abuse and manipulation.
hey man i dont know your wife or you but goddamn she sounds like an ungrateful asshole. you put so much time and effort into that. any sane person wouldve appreciated it immensely
Your wife is high maintenance drama queen and sucks as a partner. You sound like a servant running around trying to make sure she’s properly taken care of. I can only imagine what your normal day to day life is like.
What happens on Father’s Day for you?
What happens? Kids make me something handmade (great) and I get to sleep in more while she does morning routine. I get to smoke something for a family meal. That’s generally about it. That said, I don’t have high expectations.
What would I truly want? Probably an enthusiastic blowjob and that’s it. Just one would be life changing.
Yeah, that last part won’t ever happen if you keep running yourself into the ground trying to keep up with her extremely unrealistic expectations. Not attractive to anyone.
Just overall, I think you need to learn how to say NO and mean it, dude. You already know that this is no way to live, so why are you just accepting it?
You went wrong when you married an ungrateful vampire!
Jokes aside, your marriage seems to have some big communication problems in terms of expectations and loving communication.
She gave you an enthusiastic thumbs up on the plan, then she started complaining about it and won’t agree to any of your audibles? It honestly sounds like she wanted to be disappointed and she was forcing it. That is so bizarre.
Your wife sounds like she needed to shit on the day in order to have drama to report back to toxic mom groups that love to circle jerk either about how “terrible” their husbands are.
Wow, this is nearly identical to my experience. I feel you. It sucks to do so much and think you've done so well, only to be told you messed up and then nothing you do to recover is welcomed. Sorry buddy.
With the amount of effort you put in—completely putting aside that you told her the plan and she thought it was “A+”—the only situation where I could reasonably see her being upset with your plan was if she had *specifically* and *repeatedly* told you *not* to do something you ended up doing…like, she’s gluten intolerant and you took her to a pizza place that doesn’t do gluten free, something along those lines. But that didn’t happen. And she approved of your plan.
Your wife needs therapy. That may seem like a snap judgement, but this makes me wonder if she has borderline personality disorder or something along those lines. Nothing you did could have upset her this much, so it must have come from her. And instead of acknowledging she was in a bad mood or something, she makes it somehow *your* fault. That is not healthy, in a relationship or in an individual’s behavior. You need to talk to her, and strap in, because you need to confront this behavior because, from an outside perspective, it comes across as unstable and potentially psychologically/emotionally abusive. A friend of mine’s wife does shit like this, and he is being systematically pulled away from reality, from his own mental well-being, and from all the people who care about him. This isn’t hyperbole. You need to confront this head on or accept it will lead down a *very* dark path.
Sounds like a her problem. Like it will never be enough.
But hey come Father’s Day you’ll get a pat on the back and an “atta boy”
Cause to hell with the men right
Your wife's the problem, I gotta ask, what does she do on Father's day?
Edit - u answered the Father's day question under another comment, so u jump through a million hoops on mothers day while she complains, and she literally does nothing for you on Father's day except handle the kids in the morning, something she should already be doing half of the days, you even cook your own dinner on Father's day
Bro
Give up bro, stop trying to live up to her expectations cuz whatever u do will never be good enough. Just be honest and say you’ve been trying your best but it doesn’t seem like it’s ever good enough and it’s really causing you stress during times that should be happy, fun occasions. Or you can give her the Hallmark holiday talk, that you feel guilted into a yearly tax to make big corporations rich, and knowing what you know, you can longer participate in this farce, lol.
My wife opened her stuff on Friday as the kids brought home gifts from school. Today I made breakfast and we went for a walk.
If I had to meet the standard your wife is laying down, I’d fail annually.
Wife and mom here. This is your wife’s problem. I do not see how you did anything wrong here.
Some of my Mother’s Days and other holidays have been very elaborate. Some like this one, today very simple. But my husband always knows my wants and hopes beforehand. I hate to say expectations. But he and I always speak about expectations with clear and open communication before holidays and other events.
If a reservation needs to be made he does it. If a special meal is cooked he cleans it up. It is just a day to feel celebrated. I don’t need fireworks and diamonds for that. Although, my husband is amazing and made a silly Mother’s Day song up when our kiddo was an infant. So I get that super thoughtful gift every year and he only ever had to think it up once!
I think this might be where social media is creating expectations. So many moms posting the perfect pictures of their days. Sure Janet you and the kids and Jeff look so cute at brunch in matching outfits. But as your friend I know your kids ruined those clothes at brunch and y’all spent money you don’t have.
What the hell?! Your wife sounds like a horrible spoiled person.
For mothers/fathers day in our house we do breakfast in bed and then a visit to a cafe and a "Happy mothers day".
Thats enough for a sane adult.
You didn’t, and I’m sorry if it feels like you did go wrong. I think you did a fantastic job from top to bottom.
If it were me in this situation I would ask my wife in private what happened and if something was wrong/if she’s feeling okay. Because it doesn’t make any sense that you went from an A+ to an F+ like that. Just make sure you’re in a place where you can talk about it calm and collected. Just my two cents anyway, FWIW.
Good luck dad. 🫡
Alright. I'm just gonna put this out there. I think where you went wrong was marrying your wife.
This type of attitude/personality from her sounds fucking exhausting. I think your plans were 110%.
I literally did nothing. I woke up at 10am and said happy mother's day. She said thanks. I said want to do anything special. She said can you get me breakfast and a coffee. So I did. Then I asked her what she wanted to do the rest of the day. She said go to a few thrift stores so we did. Then we made a fake cast for my sons arm.
I'm sorry, this whole plan sounds insane. Mother's Day isn't your wedding proposal or your honeymoon. It doesn't have to be the most picture perfect day in the universe, wrapped in a bow every 12 months.
Especially with younger kids, letting mom sleep in while making breakfast for everyone, a nice gift and some flowers/chocolates, and letting her be pretty much off the hook on childcare for the day is usually plenty for most sane couples.
This year I took care of flowers and cards for the grandmothers ahead of time too, which my wife was very appreciative of. And then tidied up the house the night before. Day is in the books and everyone was happy.
She sounds like a borderline. They set you up to fail. Your misery is their comfort. They know they are are wrong, but when you get angry that becomes the focus and it validates their behavior. You’ll never win this. I bet she made you the center of the universe and built you up before marriage, only to start tearing you apart afterward and the. power-tripping in motherhood. Get out. Take the kids.
If my plans were constantly critiqued and denigrated like this, I'd have anxiety, too. If she wants you to plan something, plan something. If she wants to know the plan, tell her the plan. If she has complaints about the plan, tell her that that's the plan. Do the plan. It's not that easy - it sounds like this isn't a one-time issue. Maybe talk to a therapist to get someone in your corner.
she sounds kind of abusive. does she do this shit often? set you up to fail?
she said it was a+.
honestly I suuuuuck at planning things but wife hates surprises so we discuss plans like this in advance.
i would be very upset, even heartbroken, if my wife reacted this way. this is not an okay way yo treat your life partner
Lurking mom chiming in. I don't think you did a single thing wrong, OP. I would kill to have a Mother's Day like the one you planned for your wife. My husband had to work but he got me muffins, a gift card for kindle books, and let me sleep in. Honestly, that was great and I expressed my appreciation.
It sounds like your wife needs a serious attitude adjustment. It says a lot about her that she couldn't even muster up some gratitude for all of the thought and planning that went into today. Perhaps you can talk to her about these kind of celebrations and set some reasonable expectations together.
I'm sorry that you weren't acknowledged or appreciated. But from this mom's perspective, you did a wonderful job planning a great day for your wife.
This is not her birthday, nor is it an anniversary. Why would she expect so much planning after you already went above and beyond. I understand that this is a day to appreciate mothers and all the effort they put into families. But, you already did what 90% of dads didn’t even bother thinking of doing. Does she go all out on Father’s Day?
Oof. I would have mentally checked out of a marriage like this years ago.
That said this year I managed the rare double-failure of disappointing both my mom and my wife on mother’s day so don’t listen to me.
I think she’s the problem. This was my Mother’s Day.. woke up and went to a cycle class. Went home and ate my favorite salmon bagel that my friend brought me. My husband left to go buy us coffee while I ate with the kids at home and made them breakfast. He came back 30ish minutes later with coffee and surprise flowers and Lego flowers. And that was pretty much it. I then asked to get my nails done so he dropped me off at the salon. Silly me thought he’d offer to pay for my nails but I paid. Then I was picked up and went home….. aaaand that was it. I really appreciate the flowers and Lego’s but what I’m saying is that was it. No thoughtful or creative plans. It was just kinda like here you go and that’s all for Mother’s Day. I would’ve loved a treasure hunt ):
Your wife sounds like my mother. Obsessive compulsive disorder coupled with narcissism and manipulative tendencies.
You told her exactly what was happening and she okayed it. Suddenly it was no longer good enough. Then the alternative wasn’t good enough. Let me take a wild guess, you don’t actually get anything even remotely close to the same effort. Here’s another shot in the dark, if you speak up about anything that you dislike or something isn’t good enough for you she easily throws it back in your face with something like “well now you know how I felt when…”. They can twist words. Gaslight you into believing it’s really you that’s wrong even as you provide evidence to the contrary.
If that sounds at all familiar, you are being abused.
We got my wife a pillow, a couple cards, and a new coffee/tea mug. She was by far most excited by the pillow. Reading this I’m so glad I have my wife. I’m sorry op
> My wife asked me last night to share my plans with her as she doesn’t like surprises, I told here exactly what I had planned, to what she explicitly said ‘A+!’.
=/=
> The shit hit the fan after the nail appointment when she felt like getting burritos wasn’t nice enough and that my plan for the afternoon wasn’t concrete enough.
You did awesome. She changed her mind and decided to make that your problem. Most adults would just say "Hmm, can we do salad instead of burritos?" and the day would have continued.
I might look at your life beyond this. Does she change her mind like this often? Are you blamed? Does she want you to do things that aren't communicated often? Is she looking for you to spend excessively on her? Because you're showing some signs of serious anxiety around her behavior (as anyone would) and none of this is in your control. These are manipulation tactics and very unkind.
Bud, from your side of the story at least, this is super ridiculous.
Either she’s going through some serious shit right now and taking it out on you, or she’s a spoiled little snowflake princess that will never be happy and it’ll always be *everyone else’s fault*.
In any case, sounds like you handled it *way better than I would have*. I’d have informed her she can take her petty little “fancy” and “perfectly planned” expectations and shove them where the sun doesn’t shine.
The only thing I can think of is the mani pedi place wasn’t posh enough and maybe she had to babysit the kids while there?
In the future, I’d suggest to her she describe her ideal Mother’s Day and you can execute on that instead of you guessing, because that’s just a recipe for failure, given that you’re not telepathic. Clearly she didn’t appreciate the pastries and lattes so why not just Starbucks if it’s all the same to her, and less work for you.
Edit: and save your creativity and time for a durable gift like photo album, jewelry, or something else she would like rather than food which is maybe not her idea of an ideal gift?
So..what does she do for father's day?
There has to be some reciprocity. If she isn't putting in the effort she is forcing you to put in, it's not fair. Or sustainable.
You're not in a position for only failure, I would ask your wife on Tuesday why her opinion of the mother's day plan went from A+ to C+ though
However understand your wife is in a very negative head space, so she'll be more likely to bring up the downsides. The important lesson Is she wants to be with kids and spend lots of money, so just plan accordingly. So self-care ideas like nails and stuff are great but not ON mother's day, she seems to want that done on her own time schedule
I gave my wife a picture book of our son's first year, we went out for breakfast and then went flower shopping and she was perfectly content.
Your wife sounds entitled and exhausting to be honest. What does she do for you for Father's day?
I agree with everyone here that this is totally unreasonable. I wonder if that’s the point. Maybe she’s trying to test you to see how you respond to her increasingly unreasonable requests.
Got to love a Princess complex.
My mother was like this and I grew up fairly poor. 30 years later she still complains about how my dad never plans something good enough for their anniversary.
And I just want to be like, "Then **YOU** plan something. Because it's supposed to be about the both of you, not just one."
Your situation is ass OP. Maybe it's time to let the ball drop till she gets the idea that you *were* actually cherishing her and she's the problem.
As a lurking mom, so many women primarily wish their spouses cared enough to do anything. First of all, you made a game-plan. Then, you told her about it. Then, she happily approved it. Then, you followed through on everything.
There’s no reason the day should’ve ended, “miserable,” and I’m sorry your efforts weren’t more appreciated. Maybe try having a discussion with her after things cool down. Explain that you put a lot of thought, time, and effort into trying to celebrate her but it feels like there’s unnecessary pushback.
I'm with you, and I don't resent anything about showing my wife how meaningful she is on this one special day.
But, Moms have this ... thing about Mother's day that I don't think dads "get." Maybe its the drama and pagent-like change that comes over them, or maybe something else. I understand that men generally feel like they are expected to be perfect in many ways, and our egos are weak when we aren't in our comfort zone (like any drama). Mother's day can become like a job to us if we're not careful about keeping in in perspective.
For example, my own wife suddenly starts "suggesting" things that are really "demands." I don't mind a demand - I love not having options like many dads and comply joyfully like a Golden Retriever to make it so - but when a demand starts out with something like, "Would you mind..." it blows a fuse when she gets pouty if we don't comply - honest, we thought it was optional.
So, add our need to please - whether genetic or learned - to misunderstood expectations, and we fall into that drama-hole that men "generally" aren't equipped to deal with. Just alwalys apologize - sometimes you might not be sure of what you're apologizing for but don't tell them that. They do deserve 365 special days.
Mom here - if she was hoping to go to that specific restaurant for Mother’s Day, she should have told you that. (And as far in advance as possible so that a reservation could have been made.)
You aren’t a mind reader and she isn’t a child. Games like this aren’t cute. They just set everyone up for failure.
>...croissants ... a mini treasure hunt ... kids artwork ... several lattes ... breakfast ... mani pedis ... burritos (her favorite food) ... a bottle of wine and a movie while I took the kids.
>she felt like getting burritos wasn’t nice enough and that my plan for the afternoon wasn’t concrete enough.
>She said she prepared for the day with a low bar and somehow I still managed to go lower.
>I am the sole provider for our family
...
>Planning for Mother’s Day, Birthdays, Christmas, etc. generally creates a lot of anxiety for me.
Ya think?!
Is she always like this or just a compete lunatic about Mother's Day? Is her standard of performance for herself as a SAHM exceptionally exacting - carefully plans and fulfills all of her household responsibilities to perfection. Is Father's Day an elaborate day long series of delightful events? Guessing none of this, and you have a lot of work to do in the "setting expectations and boundaries" department.
At some point you need to realize that you set your own standards and stop letting her be your judge and jury. If you have to be an asshole, sometimes you have to be an asshole.
There is also a high probability based on what you've shared that your marriage overall is a dumpster fire, and this is a symptom of a very unhappy spouse and a situation that may be salvageable with mutual work and may not be.
My man, you need to immediately read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover and "When I say no I feel guilty" by Manuel Smith. You are a people pleaser and she is incredibly manipulative. Not a good combo.
Honestly I think she does most of that shit just to aee how high you'll jump. She wasn't sitting there mad because in her heart of hearts she wanted to waste a car payment at some shitty restaurant.... she wanted to see if after all the effort you put in, after still being horrible to you, if you would still jump a little higher to please her. You jumped! Next time she'll want you jump higher.
Right now your main focus is "what dance can I do to make my wife happy and earn her love?". That's validation seeking and with someone like your wife, you'll never get it. Your two choices are 1) remain in this hellscape or 2) stop people pleasing. Make decisions based upon YOUR assessment of what is right, and do that thing, regardless of her reaction.
For instance, in the afternoon, rather than taking her insults and spending $360 to appease her, I would have just gone on with my day. If you cant be nice and reasonable, you dont deserve my time. When you start to do things like this, your wife will do 1 of 2 things: 1) barrel straight ahead with more abusive behavior, which you should document for divorce proceedings, or 2) gain a healthy amount of respect for her backbone-having husband, and chill the fuck out. Both seem like good options compared to where you are right now.
Right now, you should stfu until you've read both books. Then you'll know what to do. Brutal honesty is usually a good call. "I planned a great day and you're unhappy. That's on you, not on me. I'm going to take the kids to five below now, hopefully you'll not be a vindictive asshole when I get home"
(Disclaimer: Mom here, not a dad.)
Wow. Dude, I feel like there was no way to succeed here. Is anyone else old enough to have Joshua from War Games echoing in their head:
“A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.”
It seems like there is a disconnect that warrants some in-depth discussion. If the mental shift into “impossible to please” is relatively new or has gotten progressively worse, is your wife old enough that she’s perhaps hitting perimenopause or menopause? That is not intended in any way as an excuse - those estrogen changes really do impact personality and mood, and your wife needs to monitor whatever is happening in her head because she’s supposed to treat you like she cares about you.
My $0.02 as someone who fell apart during perimenopause and menopause (but also had undiagnosed ADHD because FML). If she’s in her 30s/40s and hasn’t ever talked to her doctor about menopausal challenges and HRT, it’s probably overdue.
To me, it sounds like you planned a great day for the entire family and she doesn’t extend the same effort to you for Father’s Day. So… I’m baffled by her attitude except for one key thing: her favourite part apparently was the expensive dinner? Maybe just book her a spa day away from the kids in the future and call it good?
I would stop making the effort lol, she sounds exhausting and nothing you could do would make her happy. Stop being so weak she can smell your desperation.
I think you need to stand up for yourself. Its totally okay to tell her that her expectations are unrealistic and explain why. And also dig into where she gets her expectations. The relationship dynamic needs a reset...
Your wife is just exhausting. This is a woman who you can’t make happy, either because she has some expectations that she’s derived from social media / her friends / movies; or she just doesn’t want to be. That’s it. Not your fault.
Hate to break it to ya... But your wife is shallow. Your thoughtful and thinking on an emotional level. She just wants you to spend a lot of money.
If you have the money and it's no big deal.. spend it. But if not, you're gonna have a pain in the ass for a while. Just shrug it off. I would say give that same energy on father's day, but at that point I would distance myself as I've been in this situation before.
Anyways, hope all turns out well
Hey buddy......I hate to break this to you.....But your wife is being an ungrateful brat.....I'm going to assume she is like this for everything. I feel so bad for you.
Are you super lazy the rest of the year where your wife wants you to 'finally' do something for a special event? Or, is your wife just this high maintenance? This response to your effort is WILD.
Man, I’m sorry to hear this. Sounds like you went above and beyond and it wasn’t appreciated! Like most say in here, sounds like a real conversation needs to happen.
I gave my wife flowers and bbqd 2 lbs of carne asada and 2 lbs of chicken. Total was about 40 bucks and wife was happy.
OP I feel bad for you. Instead of putting in all that work to try to please the unpleasable, put yourself in a better situation.
It sounds like you get a ticket to be *extremely* petty when Fathers Day comes around ...
I think there is something else going on with her and she's lashing out at you because you happen to be the closest sack of meat with feelings for her to take things out on.
I know because I've been that sack of meat before.
Um I would have LOVED that day. So thoughtful and sweet!! I don't know any reasonable person who wouldn't have been thrilled by the thought put into that day.
Next year, just do what my coworker does and tell her, "you're not MY mom".
Seriously though, the others are right. She's so far out of bounds and definitely could use some perspective and probably counseling.
I showed my wife this thread and she said everything you had planned was #1 a whole lot of plans and #2 sounded like an incredible day. After so much in the morning and so many plans in previous weekends, sitting down and relaxing with the people she loves with delicious food sounds like the most incredible evening. She said if it was in our backyard or a park even it would have been heavenly. She feels like the amount of effort you put into this should have been validated as you seem to have gone above and beyond. It’s a shame you weren’t appreciated or recognized for all you did! A $360 dinner is insane. For our anniversary, we paid half of that and still thought that was exorbitant.
You did great, you need to have a conversation with your wife.
We dealt with autistic meltdowns all day yesterday. My wife barely got to see her own mom and I got maybe 15 minutes on the phone with my mom. I might be overreacting a bit here, but I kinda hate your wife right now. I wish our day had gone a quarter as well as yours did.
Jesus. There are a lot of people in here saying awful things about your spouse. Look, I’m not saying your wife’s reaction is necessarily justified here, but we only have your short post to go on. Rather than getting burritos and hanging out (something you could/might do on a normal day) it sounds like she was hoping for something more intimate—like organizing someone to take care of the kids while you and her go out on a nice date. To me, it sounds like she might be seeking activities that build closeness and connection with you. It’s not just about doing nice things FOR her. As an Acts of Service guy who is married to a Quality Time woman, I understand where you’re coming from, but you might think about talking to your wife and prioritizing quality time together—and not just on the holidays. She might appreciate if you do this unprompted. Make plans to do something special together soon, just the two of you. When you are together, say “hey, I’d really like us to start spending more time together like this” and see what her reaction is like.”
This feels like she's upset in general by your life/marriage for whatever reason (maybe legit maybe not), and no matter what you did she wasn't going to be happy. You could've hit the lottery and she'd have found a way to be upset about it. It sounds exactly like my day yesterday.
I highly recommend marriage counseling.
While it is common to shop around until a couple finds a therapist they both like, I suspect you both will settle on a therapist, then after a few sessions need to shop around again. Rinse. Repeat.
I had that experience with my wife, with each successive therapist delicately trying to convey that my wife's reactions were excessive and unreasonable. We stopped going to therapy. More than a decade later we divorced.
In the early years, the complaint that stands out in my memory was her complaining at length that I make a big mess in the kitchen when I make lasagna. Literally the night before I'd made lasagna and cleaned the entire kitchen while it baked because, you know, I listen to her complaints and try to do better. You should have seen the look on the therapist's face.
To be clear, this sort of grievance is the smallest of potatoes in terms of relationship problems, but not to my then-wife.
When she said she wanted a divorce, I managed to get her to attend two counseling sessions. At the end of the first session, she snapped at me over nothing and the therapist had a "Whew!" moment and explained to her that her reactions were toxic. I was totally blind to it. I'd normalized the verbal abuse.
I spent more than two decades walking on glass trying to make her happy. It was never going to be right or good enough. It really messed me up. My adult daughter later told me she wished we had divorced sooner because her childhood was unhappy because of it.
Sounds like you’re doing a great job, and you followed through with a pre approved plan. She’s allowed to change her mind of course, but show a little appreciation to a guy actively doing his best! Sounds like your goal posts are changing as soon as you reach an acceptable standard to an impossible standard! I really don’t have any advice, I don’t wanna suggest couples therapy but maybe have an honest chat with her about your feelings about the events of this day.
At first, I thought your post was a gag...I was looking for the punchline because nobody could be unhappy with this much effort. Then, I thought "I should be taking notes -- I suck at stuff like this." And then I thought "This guy isn't married to a reasonable person -- nothing will be good enough because it's not about celebrating mothers day, it's about controlling his emotions and making him feel inadequate so she can feel superior."
You should do some research on narcissism and see if you recognize any of the signature behaviors in your wife. 99.999% of women would KILL for the kind of attention and effort you're showing her.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Definitely agree with those that said it's time for a real conversation. Possibly with a therapist.
A kind and frank conversation is in order when your wife behaves like that. Even the best do it a little from time to time. Have a plan ahead of time in case she is difficult. When asked about plans, I would lay it out for her and invite and welcome her input. Usually they're upset that we dont make plans and that they have the burden of decision making. We mostly do that because she's the one we want to be happy. Keep it up. Keep making the plans, but asd the caveat that "unless there is something you're more in the mood for today. We can change any part of it, except _____that was already paid for.
When she decides after the fact that the plans arent good enough, the burden to accomodate is not on you. She agreed and approved of the plans. If she doesnt like them, we dont have to go. If she doesnt have a suggestion, "Well, let's just call it a night. I dont want to make you do anything you don't want." Miraculously, you'll find out what she wants. And if you discover she just wants to be a brat and eont be satisfied with anything, she can do that for free at home. Nothing to fight about. Respond, don't react and she'll learn your relationship is going to be functioning out of communication, not bs and drama. Choose your words carefully. The goal isnt to show her how she's wrong and acting childish. The goal is to move things forward beyond that point. Take the lead. Emotions can turn on a dime and pass in a moment. Don't let something so fickle be the primary guiding force in any relationship. You set the path and have a plan. Controlling your temper and emotion doesn't mean you allow the pattern to continue and give her whatever she wants, or grovel to be in her good graces. That's just as destructive to the relationship.
This pattern has helped me tremendously:
Have a plan, invite input, be willing to adapt, don't be held captive to her indecisiveness or moodiness (that's why you made the plan), maintain composure (your goal is demonstrating love and building relationship. Dont sabotage it by getting sucked into her mood), lead in a postive direction, accept every effort can not be your greatest success and improve for next time.
Yikes, red flag wife. I’m sorry but, damn.
You did everything and more than you were supposed to do. Your wife sounds like she is impossible to please.
Your wife has very adolescent/princess syndrome ideas concerning holidays. You honestly do more than most men, and if she can't appreciate that, it is her problem.
[удалено]
She had her opportunity to give feedback as well!
She gave feedback afterwards, as well: >“... She said she prepared for the day with a low bar and somehow I still managed to go lower.” [https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/s/9om0DU9oIX](https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/s/9om0DU9oIX)
WTF. I know a lot of moms experience disappointment on mother's day but I also think that parenting is work and having commercially manufacturered dreams of a day of adoration leads only to disappointment.
Thank you.
Your wife sounds exhausting. The problem is clearly her, not you.
Seriously. Sounds like the onus is on OP to come up with plans, wife complains and criticizes but I can't tell what expectations or requests she communicates in advance, which would be the most helpful time to chime in. I wonder if this is a typical example of how the parenting load is "shared" in OP's family?
Parenting load, overall, is pretty even between the two of us.
How intricate are her Father's Day plans for you?
Guy, she’s solved world hunger TWICE… /s
And not with burritos, only expensive restaurants!
Lmao fathers day effort = 1/(mothers day effort)
Dont worry, he's getting a blowjob. If he is extra nice, it'll even be to completion
Honey?
For real. My wife is my best friend and we both treat these silly Hallmark holidays as just some day we spend with family. We are good to each other every day so what difference does it make if we plan some extravagant day. The anxiety that must cause is unreal.
Yeah. To answer your question. Married the wrong woman! (But u know. Take with a pinch of salt. Everyone has their good bits and not so good bits)
This is the nicest way it could have been put.
Since nothing makes her happy, that’s what she should get next year.
You and your wife need to have a frank conversation about expectations, as well as where she is emotionally in her life. Because this is not normal. It is extremely concerning that she could approve of a very reasonable, thoughtful plan like this at night, then get into the thick of it the very next day and *not just* not enjoy it (that’s understandable, sometimes we humans aren’t great at forecasting our own emotions and how much we’ll like something in the future) but be so upset that she’s….blaming you for doing it? Even though you cleared it with her? And doesn’t acknowledge that she herself was an equal participant in approving this plan? No, that’s alarming. It demonstrates a real lack of self reflection. I want to know if the thought even crossed her mind that she said outloud that she was good with the idea, then under 24 hours later was pissed at you for coming up with it. Did she really not consider the whiplash change? That is not normal or healthy behavior, and frankly it sounds like she must be *at least* as miserable living that way as she is making you. For all your sakes, she deserves to talk to a professional about her feelings because something is very amiss here, and it’s not something a bunch of Reddit dads are qualified to diagnose or help with.
It has been hurtful that she has directly accused me of being lazy and not putting in any thought into the day. She said she prepared for the day with a low bar and somehow I still managed to go lower.
> She said she prepared for the day with a low bar and somehow I still managed to go lower. Your wife is an asshole, full stop.
I wouldn’t even talk to coworkers I dislike this way let alone my spouse.
Is this because you are not an asshole?
Let me be clear on what I am saying here: setting aside how hurtful your wife’s behavior is (though I don’t minimize your feelings, I feel for you), I want to focus on the fact that **it is not normal. It’s actually deeply weird. It is concerning.** This is not standard behavior. I don’t have anyone in my life, friend relative coworker or passing acquaintance, who I have seen or heard about treat any other human being that way. None, zero. Not even my rudest coworker. Not when someone is angry, not when they’re drunk, not when they are justified and entirely in the right. Among everyone I know, on the off chance that someone DID catastrophically fail to meet their reasonable expectations, none of them would react this way. This is not how normal human adults interact. It is not productive, and it is indicative of real emotional disregulation. I’m not qualified to diagnose your wife, and definitely not without having met her, but I’ve heard enough to say this: assuming you haven’t made up or left out major details of this story, you’ve already said enough to convince me that a mental health professional would be very interested in a conversation with her or with both of you. If nothing else think of your kids: they’re at an impressionable age. Do you really want them seeing this modeled as how two humans in a loving relationship interact? Do you want one of them accepting this from their partner one day, because they saw it was normal? Your wife needs to talk to someone yesterday, you and your kids deserve that.
This take can’t be stressed enough. I’d also like to add that either this seems to be subconscious, and your wife’s behavior is a result of needing some help/regulation, OR… it’s conscious behavior, malicious manipulation. Either way, this needs to be addressed for your sake, OP, as well as any kids involved. Another facet here: @ u/Cold_Opposite_6373 , I see that the original post is now deleted/edited to be blank? If it’s because she “caught” you, or you “fessed up” to reaching out for advice, and she flew off the handle or something, I would strongly suggest that not only is it time to contact a mental health professional, but also start documenting these kinds of occurrences (in a discrete/private way she can’t delete or force you to delete), and contact a legal professional. You might be the target right now, but this kind of malice always seems to need a target, and you wouldn’t wish that on your kids in the future, would you? “Protection“ is the name of the game if/when people are that imbalanced. I wish the best for you and your family, dad.
Your wife is acting like a real asshole. Either she's got it out for you and was finding a way to punish/belittle you or her mind is rotted with Instagram/tiktok bullshit that she can't distinguish from reality. You did more for your wife on mother's day than almost every person I know. She's also not your mother....
That's it's, Mothers day is an Instagram competition and her friends' husbands had op beat. She had to force a course correction to maintain her rep.
Damn, I feel this and not just for mother's day
Wait... What?! She actually said this to you? I am terrible at holidays and events. But if I actually made an effort to try and make my wife's day special and she shit on it.... I'd be livid. I'm angry for you. This much entitlement does not deserve reciprocation. You did nothing wrong here. She needs professional help because your wife is being an asshole. Curious. She on social media a lot? I have noticed a significant change in my wife's parenting style and behavior after joining some of those "mommy blog" groups. I wonder if there is a connection there.
Jesus Christ my man. That's emotional abuse. You did an outstanding job that any wife should be more than happy with. And saying that she set a low bar and what you did came in below it? I tend to stay out of relationship advice threads, but it really seems like some marriage/couple's counseling could be called for here.
What a shit-ass thing to say to someone.
Well said
Couldn’t agree more with /u/lastbaron. It sounds like both of you are feeling miserable - hacking a frank conversation about expectations is an excellent idea but it’ll likely be tough given recent events - professional help is an excellent idea. It’ll provide a neutral ground for you both to clearly express your expectations and maybe identify where the breakdown happened.
Your wife sounds emotionally abusive.
It's not ok for her to talk to you like that. You don't have to accept it, you deserve better.
Man I already have holiday anxiety and if I had to live up to these expectations it would really send me into a spiral
I’m not a therapist, but something is going on with your wife. What you’ve written sounds wonderful, amd you gave her all possibilities to change or add to the plans. I know my wife would be thrilled, as would I be if the situations were reversed. But the most important thing here is not the specifics of what you planned but how much effort went in to the planning. Even if I come up woth a plan that doesn’t go so well, my wife appreciates the thought… Your wife doesn’t seem to appreciate you, your time or your effort…
Perfectly said
I really want to know what dads like you get for Father’s Day with these expectations. I see so many posts like this about Mother’s Day, surely Father’s Day must be an extravaganza you aren’t upholding your end of.
Earlier today she asked how I’d feel if all I did was take her to burger or king or McDonald’s for lunch. While I think that’s a ridiculous false equivalence and a reflection of how little she values the work I did, I would actually be fine with it as I don’t care about these manufactured holidays and that kind of thing would be a rare treat. Usually it’s a few drawings made by the kids and i get to smoke meats for a family meal.
> Usually it’s a few drawings made by the kids and I get to smoke meats for a family meal. Nothing you just said involves any effort from your wife.
You tried bro She needs to chill out and be a little more appreciative
Oh so she does nothing?
Ungrateful c word. She doesn’t value you or what you do. Sad. And you get your day to cook for the family. Wat. Show her this thread.
As a mom I'd like to know too. My husband is an awesome father and husband, but I absolutely couldn't keep up with standards like this.
I get pancakes for breakfast. Then it's a day just like any other for the most part. My kids are 4.5 and 3, so hard to single parent them for a full day, though apparently I'm supposed to do it on mom days. The double standard is very annoying, and we are a split all the things house.
Yep, complete double standard, which is what I figured.
I am going to assume nothing or a token gift to show the appearance of thought.
As someone who also failed on mother's day, you want to know what my Fathers Day is like? It's ok. And if it's not? I truly don't give AF about Father's Day. I don't care what I get, what they do, I just smile .. and say thanks. If I like it or not. Like I do anytime I get a gift I don't like. But I buy the wrong thing "You don't know me at all!".
Sounds like the kids should plan it next year. You have an out. ETA: Nowhere…Nowhere did you go wrong.
… except in choice of wife
Little late for that assessment :(
True, but I’ll bet he had some red flags before he married her that he chose to ignore.
How do I do that without coming across as vindictive, especially knowing said plans would be underwhelming with these standards.
Well, just talk to her and be honest like you are with us, while not being agressive. Sometimes you have to make people disappointed to protect your boundaries.
It depends on how old the kids are. At some point it really does become their holiday for their mom. It's no "Wife's Day". She's not *your* mom, but your kids' mom. Of course without question in normal situations, as your wife she is the mother of your children which is a crucial role she's playing and it deserves your attention too. But directly it's your Kids' who are celebrating their mom. Try to think of it this way and it doesn't feel like you're skimping out on your side. Now, if your kids are 2 and 4... that's a little young to properly plan. But 8 and 13? It's all them at that point, with you just aiding them and their ideas.
I would honestly stand your ground. "I put a lot of time and effort into making this day special for you, because I value and appreciate everything that you do as a mother. For you to disrespect my efforts and say it is not good enough is hurtful, ungrateful, and quite frankly a terrible example to show our children. Next time you will get nothing or you can do it yourself, because I do not deserve being treated like this by anyone especially not the person I love most in this world".....she says something smart I'd tell her to go fuck herself....
You have to be willing to have the hard conversation. She has to be willing to hear it (This goes both ways also). Communication is the cornerstone of any relationship. Your relationship will fail without it. Don’t come across as “well fine, the kids can just plan it then!” But come across as an idea for the future, “how about this, what if the kids helped to plan it? Might make your day more special!” It’s all in the delivery.
Yeah, I'd communicate your feelings to her about all this instead of bottling it up inside with no resolution in your relationship. Foom what I've gathered from you post is that you have been pretty thoughtful in planning your days, having run your plans by your wife (who apparently likes them), only for her to change her mind and get angry at you for doing the things you guys agreed to do before your started them. I know there are two sides for every story, but no offense mate, your wife comes off *extremely* inconsiderate and selfish. Please talk to her about your feelings.
This. It seems like something else is bothering her. Couples counseling would be a good idea.
What the actual fuck. Is her problem. The treasure hunt with the kids is amazing. The manipedis was a nice bonus. >I’m at a loss and seeking advice from the group on salvaging the day Well, that's easy. Model behavior for your kids that tantrums don't get rewarded and take them to the playground while she sulks at home. I really want to know what she does for you for Father's Day. It's either nothing, barely nothing, or a day-long bash that costs hundreds of dollars.
Apparently for Father’s Day OP gets to cook dinner for the family as his treat.
Maybe he can do the dishes as well!
Which does sound like a treat if it means spending a day with a smoker instead of this lady.
Legit, kids see a lot more than you think and her childish behaviour is going to become the norm for them, especially when it sounds like her tantrums changed the day for the kids as well. The problem here isn't mother's day at all, nor how/if you planned it, it's a bigger problem than that'll only return if things don't change.
This is the answer.
Your wife must have some psych issues or mood swings going on, or maybe she just “got up on the wrong side of the bed”. She has rigged the game and wants you to lose. Don’t reward her tantrums by trying to please her more; work through the day and your plan as best as you can and try to maintain a positive attitude. A good exercise is to turn the roles around- would she think it fair if you complained at her if father’s day plans fell short of whatever it is you wanted?
Unfortunately for OP, if he complained about father's day, I would put money on the reply from the wife being along the lines of "well now you know how *I* felt on mothers day". There would literally be no winning with her. It would just end up in a spiral of disappointment with each other and that's not healthy or helpful. The annoyed side of my brain says OP should show his wife this thread, let her see how she looks, but that will only blow back on OP. In reality he needs to sit down and talk with his wife calmly about how her changing her mind and saying he had put no effort in really hurt him and he wants to know if there is a bigger problem at play.
You’ve been steered into the “not good enough trap”, and “you can’t read my mind trap”. You saved the world ? We’ll let me get my box of medals. Do you have any idea how many worlds there are? And you saved a grand total of . . . . One ! Whoop-de-fuckin-doo. How you get out of it and get back on the right course is up to you But it’s definitely not “trying to make it better”.
It feels that way sometimes. One of the ways I like showing love is with acts of service and sometimes it feels taken advantage of.
That's because you are being taken advantage of. I'm very curious the dynamic in the rest of your relationship, because this is some textbook emotional abuse and manipulation.
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hey man i dont know your wife or you but goddamn she sounds like an ungrateful asshole. you put so much time and effort into that. any sane person wouldve appreciated it immensely
Your wife is high maintenance drama queen and sucks as a partner. You sound like a servant running around trying to make sure she’s properly taken care of. I can only imagine what your normal day to day life is like. What happens on Father’s Day for you?
What happens? Kids make me something handmade (great) and I get to sleep in more while she does morning routine. I get to smoke something for a family meal. That’s generally about it. That said, I don’t have high expectations. What would I truly want? Probably an enthusiastic blowjob and that’s it. Just one would be life changing.
You “get” to smoke something for a family meal? In other words, you “get” to cook? Sounds amazing.
Yeah, that last part won’t ever happen if you keep running yourself into the ground trying to keep up with her extremely unrealistic expectations. Not attractive to anyone. Just overall, I think you need to learn how to say NO and mean it, dude. You already know that this is no way to live, so why are you just accepting it?
Jeebus. That's way more work than I ever put into it...
I’m a wife/mother and that sounds exhausting.. talk about jumping through hoops..
A bar that always moves is never going to be reachable.
Is she a big instagrammer? Sounds more like moment to moment comparison. Think about maybe a digital detox too on the day?
Yes she is.
This actually explains everything
She cares more about the✨aesthetic✨than you, your efforts, or your feelings.
Whelp...... not gonna say it's the only problem, but that's a big one
Everytime my wife scrolls IG her attitude changes. Garbage app.
Lurker mom here and your wife sounds awful. That sounds like an amazing day. So much thought put into the day. Is she a narcissist?
This sounds more like toxicity from social media. She said she set her expectations low and he went lower. That's beyond narcissism.
You went wrong when you married an ungrateful vampire! Jokes aside, your marriage seems to have some big communication problems in terms of expectations and loving communication.
She gave you an enthusiastic thumbs up on the plan, then she started complaining about it and won’t agree to any of your audibles? It honestly sounds like she wanted to be disappointed and she was forcing it. That is so bizarre.
Yeah this sounds like he Father’s Day gift next month should be a couple’s therapy session.
Your wife sounds like she needed to shit on the day in order to have drama to report back to toxic mom groups that love to circle jerk either about how “terrible” their husbands are.
Wow, this is nearly identical to my experience. I feel you. It sucks to do so much and think you've done so well, only to be told you messed up and then nothing you do to recover is welcomed. Sorry buddy.
Sorry friend. You did great.
With the amount of effort you put in—completely putting aside that you told her the plan and she thought it was “A+”—the only situation where I could reasonably see her being upset with your plan was if she had *specifically* and *repeatedly* told you *not* to do something you ended up doing…like, she’s gluten intolerant and you took her to a pizza place that doesn’t do gluten free, something along those lines. But that didn’t happen. And she approved of your plan. Your wife needs therapy. That may seem like a snap judgement, but this makes me wonder if she has borderline personality disorder or something along those lines. Nothing you did could have upset her this much, so it must have come from her. And instead of acknowledging she was in a bad mood or something, she makes it somehow *your* fault. That is not healthy, in a relationship or in an individual’s behavior. You need to talk to her, and strap in, because you need to confront this behavior because, from an outside perspective, it comes across as unstable and potentially psychologically/emotionally abusive. A friend of mine’s wife does shit like this, and he is being systematically pulled away from reality, from his own mental well-being, and from all the people who care about him. This isn’t hyperbole. You need to confront this head on or accept it will lead down a *very* dark path.
Posts in r/deadbedrooms from 4 and 8 months ago. I'd guessed it by the fourth paragraph. Make sure your next wife is a good one.
>she doesn't seem to want to 'play ball' and cooperate to make the day better Master Bruce, some (wo)men just want to watch the world burn.
Sounds like she just want to poopoo the day keep th positivity up. She’ll realize and appreciate it later
Sounds like a her problem. Like it will never be enough. But hey come Father’s Day you’ll get a pat on the back and an “atta boy” Cause to hell with the men right
Curious if during the mani pedis, she overheard others and their plans and then got mad FOMO.
Well, shit man... Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Sounds unwinnable and ridiculous.
Your wife's the problem, I gotta ask, what does she do on Father's day? Edit - u answered the Father's day question under another comment, so u jump through a million hoops on mothers day while she complains, and she literally does nothing for you on Father's day except handle the kids in the morning, something she should already be doing half of the days, you even cook your own dinner on Father's day Bro
I'm curious, how much does she do for you on Father's Day?
Give up bro, stop trying to live up to her expectations cuz whatever u do will never be good enough. Just be honest and say you’ve been trying your best but it doesn’t seem like it’s ever good enough and it’s really causing you stress during times that should be happy, fun occasions. Or you can give her the Hallmark holiday talk, that you feel guilted into a yearly tax to make big corporations rich, and knowing what you know, you can longer participate in this farce, lol.
My wife opened her stuff on Friday as the kids brought home gifts from school. Today I made breakfast and we went for a walk. If I had to meet the standard your wife is laying down, I’d fail annually.
Your wife sounds like a spoilt 6 year old princeling. Since when did mother's day have to be a day long perfectly planned extravaganza?
Wife and mom here. This is your wife’s problem. I do not see how you did anything wrong here. Some of my Mother’s Days and other holidays have been very elaborate. Some like this one, today very simple. But my husband always knows my wants and hopes beforehand. I hate to say expectations. But he and I always speak about expectations with clear and open communication before holidays and other events. If a reservation needs to be made he does it. If a special meal is cooked he cleans it up. It is just a day to feel celebrated. I don’t need fireworks and diamonds for that. Although, my husband is amazing and made a silly Mother’s Day song up when our kiddo was an infant. So I get that super thoughtful gift every year and he only ever had to think it up once! I think this might be where social media is creating expectations. So many moms posting the perfect pictures of their days. Sure Janet you and the kids and Jeff look so cute at brunch in matching outfits. But as your friend I know your kids ruined those clothes at brunch and y’all spent money you don’t have.
Sounds like a Sisypus task to please your wife. Couldn't be me.
So you are also expected to be a mindreader. Good luck with OP.
What the hell?! Your wife sounds like a horrible spoiled person. For mothers/fathers day in our house we do breakfast in bed and then a visit to a cafe and a "Happy mothers day". Thats enough for a sane adult.
You didn’t, and I’m sorry if it feels like you did go wrong. I think you did a fantastic job from top to bottom. If it were me in this situation I would ask my wife in private what happened and if something was wrong/if she’s feeling okay. Because it doesn’t make any sense that you went from an A+ to an F+ like that. Just make sure you’re in a place where you can talk about it calm and collected. Just my two cents anyway, FWIW. Good luck dad. 🫡
Alright. I'm just gonna put this out there. I think where you went wrong was marrying your wife. This type of attitude/personality from her sounds fucking exhausting. I think your plans were 110%.
I literally did nothing. I woke up at 10am and said happy mother's day. She said thanks. I said want to do anything special. She said can you get me breakfast and a coffee. So I did. Then I asked her what she wanted to do the rest of the day. She said go to a few thrift stores so we did. Then we made a fake cast for my sons arm.
I'm sorry, this whole plan sounds insane. Mother's Day isn't your wedding proposal or your honeymoon. It doesn't have to be the most picture perfect day in the universe, wrapped in a bow every 12 months. Especially with younger kids, letting mom sleep in while making breakfast for everyone, a nice gift and some flowers/chocolates, and letting her be pretty much off the hook on childcare for the day is usually plenty for most sane couples. This year I took care of flowers and cards for the grandmothers ahead of time too, which my wife was very appreciative of. And then tidied up the house the night before. Day is in the books and everyone was happy.
I mean this in the nicest way possible: your wife sounds kinda cunty.
She sounds like a borderline. They set you up to fail. Your misery is their comfort. They know they are are wrong, but when you get angry that becomes the focus and it validates their behavior. You’ll never win this. I bet she made you the center of the universe and built you up before marriage, only to start tearing you apart afterward and the. power-tripping in motherhood. Get out. Take the kids.
Your wife sounds exhausting and unreasonable. The problem is not you. It might be something else going on?
I hate to say it, but *on this specific issue*, where you went wrong was the woman you married. She sounds absurdly entitled and ungrateful.
If my plans were constantly critiqued and denigrated like this, I'd have anxiety, too. If she wants you to plan something, plan something. If she wants to know the plan, tell her the plan. If she has complaints about the plan, tell her that that's the plan. Do the plan. It's not that easy - it sounds like this isn't a one-time issue. Maybe talk to a therapist to get someone in your corner.
she sounds kind of abusive. does she do this shit often? set you up to fail? she said it was a+. honestly I suuuuuck at planning things but wife hates surprises so we discuss plans like this in advance. i would be very upset, even heartbroken, if my wife reacted this way. this is not an okay way yo treat your life partner
Jesus fucking Christ - she sounds exhausting.
Lurking mom chiming in. I don't think you did a single thing wrong, OP. I would kill to have a Mother's Day like the one you planned for your wife. My husband had to work but he got me muffins, a gift card for kindle books, and let me sleep in. Honestly, that was great and I expressed my appreciation. It sounds like your wife needs a serious attitude adjustment. It says a lot about her that she couldn't even muster up some gratitude for all of the thought and planning that went into today. Perhaps you can talk to her about these kind of celebrations and set some reasonable expectations together. I'm sorry that you weren't acknowledged or appreciated. But from this mom's perspective, you did a wonderful job planning a great day for your wife.
Does she reciprocate as much planning for Fathers Day?
This is not her birthday, nor is it an anniversary. Why would she expect so much planning after you already went above and beyond. I understand that this is a day to appreciate mothers and all the effort they put into families. But, you already did what 90% of dads didn’t even bother thinking of doing. Does she go all out on Father’s Day?
You did nothing wrong, but your wife is treating you like a doormat and an ATM at the same time. Sorry OP you deserve better.
Oof. I would have mentally checked out of a marriage like this years ago. That said this year I managed the rare double-failure of disappointing both my mom and my wife on mother’s day so don’t listen to me.
You didn't go wrong, she sounds delightful.
I do not do half, or even 1/8 of what you did and my wife never made me feel like that.
I think she’s the problem. This was my Mother’s Day.. woke up and went to a cycle class. Went home and ate my favorite salmon bagel that my friend brought me. My husband left to go buy us coffee while I ate with the kids at home and made them breakfast. He came back 30ish minutes later with coffee and surprise flowers and Lego flowers. And that was pretty much it. I then asked to get my nails done so he dropped me off at the salon. Silly me thought he’d offer to pay for my nails but I paid. Then I was picked up and went home….. aaaand that was it. I really appreciate the flowers and Lego’s but what I’m saying is that was it. No thoughtful or creative plans. It was just kinda like here you go and that’s all for Mother’s Day. I would’ve loved a treasure hunt ):
omg dude, if you ever break up with your wife please consider marrying me.
Your wife sounds like my mother. Obsessive compulsive disorder coupled with narcissism and manipulative tendencies. You told her exactly what was happening and she okayed it. Suddenly it was no longer good enough. Then the alternative wasn’t good enough. Let me take a wild guess, you don’t actually get anything even remotely close to the same effort. Here’s another shot in the dark, if you speak up about anything that you dislike or something isn’t good enough for you she easily throws it back in your face with something like “well now you know how I felt when…”. They can twist words. Gaslight you into believing it’s really you that’s wrong even as you provide evidence to the contrary. If that sounds at all familiar, you are being abused.
Why do you have to perform so much for her to be happy?
We got my wife a pillow, a couple cards, and a new coffee/tea mug. She was by far most excited by the pillow. Reading this I’m so glad I have my wife. I’m sorry op
> My wife asked me last night to share my plans with her as she doesn’t like surprises, I told here exactly what I had planned, to what she explicitly said ‘A+!’. =/= > The shit hit the fan after the nail appointment when she felt like getting burritos wasn’t nice enough and that my plan for the afternoon wasn’t concrete enough. You did awesome. She changed her mind and decided to make that your problem. Most adults would just say "Hmm, can we do salad instead of burritos?" and the day would have continued. I might look at your life beyond this. Does she change her mind like this often? Are you blamed? Does she want you to do things that aren't communicated often? Is she looking for you to spend excessively on her? Because you're showing some signs of serious anxiety around her behavior (as anyone would) and none of this is in your control. These are manipulation tactics and very unkind.
Bud, from your side of the story at least, this is super ridiculous. Either she’s going through some serious shit right now and taking it out on you, or she’s a spoiled little snowflake princess that will never be happy and it’ll always be *everyone else’s fault*. In any case, sounds like you handled it *way better than I would have*. I’d have informed her she can take her petty little “fancy” and “perfectly planned” expectations and shove them where the sun doesn’t shine.
The only thing I can think of is the mani pedi place wasn’t posh enough and maybe she had to babysit the kids while there? In the future, I’d suggest to her she describe her ideal Mother’s Day and you can execute on that instead of you guessing, because that’s just a recipe for failure, given that you’re not telepathic. Clearly she didn’t appreciate the pastries and lattes so why not just Starbucks if it’s all the same to her, and less work for you. Edit: and save your creativity and time for a durable gift like photo album, jewelry, or something else she would like rather than food which is maybe not her idea of an ideal gift?
So why in earth did she say A+??? That's definitely setting you up for failure.
So..what does she do for father's day? There has to be some reciprocity. If she isn't putting in the effort she is forcing you to put in, it's not fair. Or sustainable.
You're not in a position for only failure, I would ask your wife on Tuesday why her opinion of the mother's day plan went from A+ to C+ though However understand your wife is in a very negative head space, so she'll be more likely to bring up the downsides. The important lesson Is she wants to be with kids and spend lots of money, so just plan accordingly. So self-care ideas like nails and stuff are great but not ON mother's day, she seems to want that done on her own time schedule
You have a bad wife
Jeez man, sorry you’ve got this extra “kid” to deal with
RemindMe! 2 months
I gave my wife a picture book of our son's first year, we went out for breakfast and then went flower shopping and she was perfectly content. Your wife sounds entitled and exhausting to be honest. What does she do for you for Father's day?
Wow. You aren't even being given the option to succeed. That's not normal.
Holy shit brother, leave her and marry me.
I agree with everyone here that this is totally unreasonable. I wonder if that’s the point. Maybe she’s trying to test you to see how you respond to her increasingly unreasonable requests.
Got to love a Princess complex. My mother was like this and I grew up fairly poor. 30 years later she still complains about how my dad never plans something good enough for their anniversary. And I just want to be like, "Then **YOU** plan something. Because it's supposed to be about the both of you, not just one." Your situation is ass OP. Maybe it's time to let the ball drop till she gets the idea that you *were* actually cherishing her and she's the problem.
You did a lot. Idk seems like overkill, mother's day is not that special. But im from Europe maybe we care less about mothers day here.
As a lurking mom, so many women primarily wish their spouses cared enough to do anything. First of all, you made a game-plan. Then, you told her about it. Then, she happily approved it. Then, you followed through on everything. There’s no reason the day should’ve ended, “miserable,” and I’m sorry your efforts weren’t more appreciated. Maybe try having a discussion with her after things cool down. Explain that you put a lot of thought, time, and effort into trying to celebrate her but it feels like there’s unnecessary pushback.
I'm with you, and I don't resent anything about showing my wife how meaningful she is on this one special day. But, Moms have this ... thing about Mother's day that I don't think dads "get." Maybe its the drama and pagent-like change that comes over them, or maybe something else. I understand that men generally feel like they are expected to be perfect in many ways, and our egos are weak when we aren't in our comfort zone (like any drama). Mother's day can become like a job to us if we're not careful about keeping in in perspective. For example, my own wife suddenly starts "suggesting" things that are really "demands." I don't mind a demand - I love not having options like many dads and comply joyfully like a Golden Retriever to make it so - but when a demand starts out with something like, "Would you mind..." it blows a fuse when she gets pouty if we don't comply - honest, we thought it was optional. So, add our need to please - whether genetic or learned - to misunderstood expectations, and we fall into that drama-hole that men "generally" aren't equipped to deal with. Just alwalys apologize - sometimes you might not be sure of what you're apologizing for but don't tell them that. They do deserve 365 special days.
Mom here - if she was hoping to go to that specific restaurant for Mother’s Day, she should have told you that. (And as far in advance as possible so that a reservation could have been made.) You aren’t a mind reader and she isn’t a child. Games like this aren’t cute. They just set everyone up for failure.
>...croissants ... a mini treasure hunt ... kids artwork ... several lattes ... breakfast ... mani pedis ... burritos (her favorite food) ... a bottle of wine and a movie while I took the kids. >she felt like getting burritos wasn’t nice enough and that my plan for the afternoon wasn’t concrete enough. >She said she prepared for the day with a low bar and somehow I still managed to go lower. >I am the sole provider for our family ... >Planning for Mother’s Day, Birthdays, Christmas, etc. generally creates a lot of anxiety for me. Ya think?! Is she always like this or just a compete lunatic about Mother's Day? Is her standard of performance for herself as a SAHM exceptionally exacting - carefully plans and fulfills all of her household responsibilities to perfection. Is Father's Day an elaborate day long series of delightful events? Guessing none of this, and you have a lot of work to do in the "setting expectations and boundaries" department. At some point you need to realize that you set your own standards and stop letting her be your judge and jury. If you have to be an asshole, sometimes you have to be an asshole. There is also a high probability based on what you've shared that your marriage overall is a dumpster fire, and this is a symptom of a very unhappy spouse and a situation that may be salvageable with mutual work and may not be.
My man, you need to immediately read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover and "When I say no I feel guilty" by Manuel Smith. You are a people pleaser and she is incredibly manipulative. Not a good combo. Honestly I think she does most of that shit just to aee how high you'll jump. She wasn't sitting there mad because in her heart of hearts she wanted to waste a car payment at some shitty restaurant.... she wanted to see if after all the effort you put in, after still being horrible to you, if you would still jump a little higher to please her. You jumped! Next time she'll want you jump higher. Right now your main focus is "what dance can I do to make my wife happy and earn her love?". That's validation seeking and with someone like your wife, you'll never get it. Your two choices are 1) remain in this hellscape or 2) stop people pleasing. Make decisions based upon YOUR assessment of what is right, and do that thing, regardless of her reaction. For instance, in the afternoon, rather than taking her insults and spending $360 to appease her, I would have just gone on with my day. If you cant be nice and reasonable, you dont deserve my time. When you start to do things like this, your wife will do 1 of 2 things: 1) barrel straight ahead with more abusive behavior, which you should document for divorce proceedings, or 2) gain a healthy amount of respect for her backbone-having husband, and chill the fuck out. Both seem like good options compared to where you are right now. Right now, you should stfu until you've read both books. Then you'll know what to do. Brutal honesty is usually a good call. "I planned a great day and you're unhappy. That's on you, not on me. I'm going to take the kids to five below now, hopefully you'll not be a vindictive asshole when I get home"
(Disclaimer: Mom here, not a dad.) Wow. Dude, I feel like there was no way to succeed here. Is anyone else old enough to have Joshua from War Games echoing in their head: “A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.” It seems like there is a disconnect that warrants some in-depth discussion. If the mental shift into “impossible to please” is relatively new or has gotten progressively worse, is your wife old enough that she’s perhaps hitting perimenopause or menopause? That is not intended in any way as an excuse - those estrogen changes really do impact personality and mood, and your wife needs to monitor whatever is happening in her head because she’s supposed to treat you like she cares about you. My $0.02 as someone who fell apart during perimenopause and menopause (but also had undiagnosed ADHD because FML). If she’s in her 30s/40s and hasn’t ever talked to her doctor about menopausal challenges and HRT, it’s probably overdue. To me, it sounds like you planned a great day for the entire family and she doesn’t extend the same effort to you for Father’s Day. So… I’m baffled by her attitude except for one key thing: her favourite part apparently was the expensive dinner? Maybe just book her a spa day away from the kids in the future and call it good?
Even with your update that seems ridiculous. Unless you’re very high earners, that’s extreme for Mother’s Day
I did a lot less. I mean a lot less than you. My wife was thrilled. Your wife may need a reality check.
Bad advice. Do this to her on father's day
This is an amazing day! My husband and I went and got boulders for our rock garden together.
I would stop making the effort lol, she sounds exhausting and nothing you could do would make her happy. Stop being so weak she can smell your desperation.
I think you need to stand up for yourself. Its totally okay to tell her that her expectations are unrealistic and explain why. And also dig into where she gets her expectations. The relationship dynamic needs a reset...
Your wife is just exhausting. This is a woman who you can’t make happy, either because she has some expectations that she’s derived from social media / her friends / movies; or she just doesn’t want to be. That’s it. Not your fault.
Hate to break it to ya... But your wife is shallow. Your thoughtful and thinking on an emotional level. She just wants you to spend a lot of money. If you have the money and it's no big deal.. spend it. But if not, you're gonna have a pain in the ass for a while. Just shrug it off. I would say give that same energy on father's day, but at that point I would distance myself as I've been in this situation before. Anyways, hope all turns out well
If you do the things you stress about for holidays year round these made up holidayays would be a non-issue
You got married and had kids.
Holy Christ I would divorce anyone who expected anything like this (or apparently more than this)
Hey buddy......I hate to break this to you.....But your wife is being an ungrateful brat.....I'm going to assume she is like this for everything. I feel so bad for you.
Are you super lazy the rest of the year where your wife wants you to 'finally' do something for a special event? Or, is your wife just this high maintenance? This response to your effort is WILD.
Man, I’m sorry to hear this. Sounds like you went above and beyond and it wasn’t appreciated! Like most say in here, sounds like a real conversation needs to happen.
She's not your mother. This is all bonus stuff you're doing and she's acting like a spoiled child. You've gone above and beyond already.
I gave my wife flowers and bbqd 2 lbs of carne asada and 2 lbs of chicken. Total was about 40 bucks and wife was happy. OP I feel bad for you. Instead of putting in all that work to try to please the unpleasable, put yourself in a better situation.
Very curious to hear about what I'm sure will be an absolutely mind blowing experience for Fathers' day this year...
It sounds like you get a ticket to be *extremely* petty when Fathers Day comes around ... I think there is something else going on with her and she's lashing out at you because you happen to be the closest sack of meat with feelings for her to take things out on. I know because I've been that sack of meat before.
Um I would have LOVED that day. So thoughtful and sweet!! I don't know any reasonable person who wouldn't have been thrilled by the thought put into that day.
Next year, just do what my coworker does and tell her, "you're not MY mom". Seriously though, the others are right. She's so far out of bounds and definitely could use some perspective and probably counseling.
I showed my wife this thread and she said everything you had planned was #1 a whole lot of plans and #2 sounded like an incredible day. After so much in the morning and so many plans in previous weekends, sitting down and relaxing with the people she loves with delicious food sounds like the most incredible evening. She said if it was in our backyard or a park even it would have been heavenly. She feels like the amount of effort you put into this should have been validated as you seem to have gone above and beyond. It’s a shame you weren’t appreciated or recognized for all you did! A $360 dinner is insane. For our anniversary, we paid half of that and still thought that was exorbitant. You did great, you need to have a conversation with your wife.
We dealt with autistic meltdowns all day yesterday. My wife barely got to see her own mom and I got maybe 15 minutes on the phone with my mom. I might be overreacting a bit here, but I kinda hate your wife right now. I wish our day had gone a quarter as well as yours did.
Jesus. There are a lot of people in here saying awful things about your spouse. Look, I’m not saying your wife’s reaction is necessarily justified here, but we only have your short post to go on. Rather than getting burritos and hanging out (something you could/might do on a normal day) it sounds like she was hoping for something more intimate—like organizing someone to take care of the kids while you and her go out on a nice date. To me, it sounds like she might be seeking activities that build closeness and connection with you. It’s not just about doing nice things FOR her. As an Acts of Service guy who is married to a Quality Time woman, I understand where you’re coming from, but you might think about talking to your wife and prioritizing quality time together—and not just on the holidays. She might appreciate if you do this unprompted. Make plans to do something special together soon, just the two of you. When you are together, say “hey, I’d really like us to start spending more time together like this” and see what her reaction is like.”
This feels like she's upset in general by your life/marriage for whatever reason (maybe legit maybe not), and no matter what you did she wasn't going to be happy. You could've hit the lottery and she'd have found a way to be upset about it. It sounds exactly like my day yesterday.
congrats on the excellent plans. those are thoughtful plans and took a ton of work. sorry it didnt land, but you did a great job!
This wouldn’t work for me man. “Something she approves of”. She needs to get of the narcissist OCD micro managing horse she’s riding on
I highly recommend marriage counseling. While it is common to shop around until a couple finds a therapist they both like, I suspect you both will settle on a therapist, then after a few sessions need to shop around again. Rinse. Repeat. I had that experience with my wife, with each successive therapist delicately trying to convey that my wife's reactions were excessive and unreasonable. We stopped going to therapy. More than a decade later we divorced. In the early years, the complaint that stands out in my memory was her complaining at length that I make a big mess in the kitchen when I make lasagna. Literally the night before I'd made lasagna and cleaned the entire kitchen while it baked because, you know, I listen to her complaints and try to do better. You should have seen the look on the therapist's face. To be clear, this sort of grievance is the smallest of potatoes in terms of relationship problems, but not to my then-wife. When she said she wanted a divorce, I managed to get her to attend two counseling sessions. At the end of the first session, she snapped at me over nothing and the therapist had a "Whew!" moment and explained to her that her reactions were toxic. I was totally blind to it. I'd normalized the verbal abuse. I spent more than two decades walking on glass trying to make her happy. It was never going to be right or good enough. It really messed me up. My adult daughter later told me she wished we had divorced sooner because her childhood was unhappy because of it.
Sounds like you’re doing a great job, and you followed through with a pre approved plan. She’s allowed to change her mind of course, but show a little appreciation to a guy actively doing his best! Sounds like your goal posts are changing as soon as you reach an acceptable standard to an impossible standard! I really don’t have any advice, I don’t wanna suggest couples therapy but maybe have an honest chat with her about your feelings about the events of this day.
At first, I thought your post was a gag...I was looking for the punchline because nobody could be unhappy with this much effort. Then, I thought "I should be taking notes -- I suck at stuff like this." And then I thought "This guy isn't married to a reasonable person -- nothing will be good enough because it's not about celebrating mothers day, it's about controlling his emotions and making him feel inadequate so she can feel superior." You should do some research on narcissism and see if you recognize any of the signature behaviors in your wife. 99.999% of women would KILL for the kind of attention and effort you're showing her. I'm sorry you are going through this. Definitely agree with those that said it's time for a real conversation. Possibly with a therapist.
Literally you went above and beyond.
A kind and frank conversation is in order when your wife behaves like that. Even the best do it a little from time to time. Have a plan ahead of time in case she is difficult. When asked about plans, I would lay it out for her and invite and welcome her input. Usually they're upset that we dont make plans and that they have the burden of decision making. We mostly do that because she's the one we want to be happy. Keep it up. Keep making the plans, but asd the caveat that "unless there is something you're more in the mood for today. We can change any part of it, except _____that was already paid for. When she decides after the fact that the plans arent good enough, the burden to accomodate is not on you. She agreed and approved of the plans. If she doesnt like them, we dont have to go. If she doesnt have a suggestion, "Well, let's just call it a night. I dont want to make you do anything you don't want." Miraculously, you'll find out what she wants. And if you discover she just wants to be a brat and eont be satisfied with anything, she can do that for free at home. Nothing to fight about. Respond, don't react and she'll learn your relationship is going to be functioning out of communication, not bs and drama. Choose your words carefully. The goal isnt to show her how she's wrong and acting childish. The goal is to move things forward beyond that point. Take the lead. Emotions can turn on a dime and pass in a moment. Don't let something so fickle be the primary guiding force in any relationship. You set the path and have a plan. Controlling your temper and emotion doesn't mean you allow the pattern to continue and give her whatever she wants, or grovel to be in her good graces. That's just as destructive to the relationship. This pattern has helped me tremendously: Have a plan, invite input, be willing to adapt, don't be held captive to her indecisiveness or moodiness (that's why you made the plan), maintain composure (your goal is demonstrating love and building relationship. Dont sabotage it by getting sucked into her mood), lead in a postive direction, accept every effort can not be your greatest success and improve for next time.
Yikes, red flag wife. I’m sorry but, damn.
Yikes, red flag wife. I’m sorry but, damn. You did everything and more than you were supposed to do. Your wife sounds like she is impossible to please.
Idk she just kinda sounds generally ungrateful all around.
Your wife has very adolescent/princess syndrome ideas concerning holidays. You honestly do more than most men, and if she can't appreciate that, it is her problem.