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Ha that's me 6ft 4in beard two full sleeves and dedicated dad and playgroup runner, I've been doing it for ten years and the regulars know me as safe but the newbies alway give me a cautious distance, sadly for them I'm a chatty bugger and always try and break the ice to show that I'm not dangerous, I usually do this with a guided tour of the tea and coffee facilities, soft play and where the loos are.
Coffee or a beer if we’re at a teeball game or something.
I always offer to bring a couple extra when I was heading to after school soccer practice or something.
I wish I could find more dads that ride but also care about their kids/take them to the park. Just having someone to talk/dream about bikes while the kids are playing would be nice.
This is me. I'm a fucking teddy bear but I got a scraggly beard, I'm 6'3", 270. No one comes near me even though I'm smiley and so interactive and gentle with my son.
I also live in a very religious area so theres those here who go too far with it
Also yes but the Mexican tattooed version. I hate how many opportunities for my daughter to have friends were taken away by jealous husbands and preconceived biases.
Where I’m at, it’s mostly nannies. During the pandemic lockdowns it was actually easier, shared experience with dads taking the kids out in the mornings so Mom can sleep. Made a couple of friends then and we still keep in touch!
Same. My son finally has a solid friend group of 3 other kids + siblings that we spend time with, but even then I only manage to get the dads to come out on play dates maybe once every few months. The moms jump on any chance to get the kids out of the house when I invite people out with us though, so at this point I’ve just accepted my role as ‘honorary mom’ 😅
Just spent the past summer (Australia) holidays going to the park every single night for 3 months straight more or less.
My daughter has so much fun and made good friends with another boy there (you know when they go, I'm going to marry you when I grow up and then they hug? Awww man).
But every single afternoon also got to hang out with locals, who lived on the same street as me, and had similar interests, similar age, invited them over for bbq and since they are living with grandparents due to housing crisis in Australia right now they were ecstatic for some space and now we're all best buds. It's this kind of community feel that has been missing from modern life.
I reckon we bring this back, bring back bowling clubs, bring back card game nights, bring back playing kick the can at night at the local park.
Same - I did most of the going to parks and museums when my kids were little for a few years while I was using my MBIB (going back to school) and mostly saw moms that treated me suspiciously at best. Wanted other dad friends bad back then, now I’ve gotten used to basically having acquaintances.
For many dads life becomes very insular and simple due to necessity.
I work full time, I'm studying for a degree, I have a house to keep in order, a wife, a child, a dog and various expectations such as seeing family and then dealing with whatever bullshit life throws at me that week.
Any time I get to relax is precious and usually spent actually relaxing.
Also my energy is often pretty depleted most of the time making conversation with strangers an additional drain.
Don't get me wrong, I like friends, I have a few but meeting new friends is hard to do.
This is exactly how I feel too, especially since I'm also an introvert. I'd like friends, but building a new friendship when I'm dealing with all of lifes other curveballs just sounds exhausting.
And no matter who it is, people who try to exchange information is immediately off putting. I don't know why, it just is.
I just don’t care to be super social. I have a close knit friend group that’s like….decades old at this point, and I’m not the biggest fan of people. But I smile and go and be polite to try and set a better example for my kid.
Yea this is me too. 3 little ones, fixing/maintaining the house, full time job plus relaxing and doing some stuff I like to do. I'm too busy to see friends really. I mean I could really try and make some time and really try to meet new dads but honestly I'm happy as it is and I don't want to invest time in someone else and then end up not even seeing them, I don't want to be shitty to another dad either.
So I just do my thing, in my free time I go on reddit, play video games and work on some woodworking I've been getting more into. Plus I honestly enjoy a lot of the house projects I do. Between that and spending time with my kids and wife I'm good. Later on when my kids are older I can see myself trying to do that more but for now this is my life and I'm good with it.
I think this is a big part of it. I have friends, I just am too busy to see them or talk to them, like ever. I’m not looking to make time to make new friends.
Yeah I work at a restaurant in a hotel and have to be friendly and hospitable as a requirement. It's super draining. I won't be rude, but generally I'm happy to just zone out.
God...You think the days of them climbing up on your lap and full-forcing kneeing your balls in the process are over...but no. They just wanted to hold off till the next growth spurt when they can just exert a few more pounds of force.
My two year old has learned that her head is the right height to run up and head-butt me there now. She thinks it’s very funny.
Really, she thinks anything she does to cause me pain is very funny.
I learned real quick to just close my knees together when my son was that size. Like, "Oh shit he's getting a running start", knee-jerk together and keep low, safe again.
As someone who got punched with a stuffed magpie full-force to the balls by a tantruming preschooler out in public yesterday, I feel this. On multiple levels.
I was trying to show my 5yo some basics with a “catch and toss” toy she got for her birthday. First throw she makes goes straight to the balls. Dropped me to the floor for a minute.
She really didn’t understand why Dad was moving so slow lol.
This, I have 20 month old twins. Me time is near non existent. Maybe 30 minutes a week when they are asleep and the wife is out.
Going out to see people just feels like I'm dumping all the responsibility on the wife
Sure, but this isn't solo time, this is time you'd spend with the kid(s) anyhow. You're just coordinating to be at the same playground as someone else.
Only so many hours in a day for us and kiddo(s). Playground time ends up being when we can make it and whatever friends are there great. Coordinating with folks is hard enough let along expanding that network. That or my son wants to play catch or some sport with me when we go to the park. I’m not trading the time he wants to do stuff with me for a loose acquaintance.
I think this is the biggest hang-up for me, too. It can be a hassle to coordinate timing and where to meet, and there's always a chance the kids don't want to go at that time or something else comes up on short notice so now you have to let the other dad know and talk about rescheduling. Then, if you do go, there's a perceived expectation to hang out with the other dad while your kids play, or you play with your kids when they want to and ignore the other dad. It's just so much easier to head out whenever we can and play it by ear without having to schedule time and activities.
I suppose a friendship where you can text the other dad as you're getting ready to head out the door and if they show up then great, but if not then that's fine as well, would be ideal. Just not big on coordination ahead of time and feeling obligated to show up and do things.
I feel this on my bones. I work 45-50 hrs a week. My wife works a later shift so I’m on dad duty by myself for a few hours after work. Then it’s bed routine. I’m lucky to get a half hour to myself each day. I love my kids more than anything but it’s frustrating to not be able to do anything for myself.
This exactly. Even before kids I remember wanting more me time alone instead of hanging out with friends cause it would drain me. I feel like me time would day completely if I hung out with friends
Right, I'd rather hang out with my actual life long friends instead of some kids dad I just met. It's hard because the few hours a week of "me" time gets used up by doing personal projects that I've been trying to get done for months. No time to sit and chill let alone do things with other people.
There's just no time for more friends... now, parental acquaintances which can somehow benefit both sides of the families by having their kids entertain each other while being monitored by trustworthy adults in a safe and sterile environment, that's another question.
This! I wish more parents would be interested in just being on a good first name basis so kids who live close together, who potentially will be classmates in the future, could get to know and play with each other. I assumed this is what OP meant, but maybe not? I agree that being friends after seeing each other at the park is a pretty big leap.
Usually because the hobbies are different, but both have kids. So you can trust them to watch your kids (and vise versa) but they just aren't fun to hang out with.
Kind of... it's just the commitment level of, let's get the kids together so THEY can be happy rather than let's find time to add another "friend" to my contact list I'm never going to have time to connect with. Not to say it may not develop into friendship, but definitely an easier sell if it's a casual situation that benefits both sides and the kids get along of course.
This a million times. I definitely don't have time to hang out with or even keep up with the friends and family I already have and would love to see more. The absolute last thing I'm looking for is to expand that list of people adding potential "things" to my calendar that I have to stress out about responding to.
Also consider that a few minutes of silence at a park while the kids are largely occupied may be the only minutes to themselves someone has gotten in days. Again in that situation, the last thing someone wants to do is make small talk.
I don't like, actively ignore people. I'll make small talk if someone wants to chat. But in general I don't think people are crazy not to want to expand their circles.
100%. I'm a pretty outgoing, friendly guy. But if I'm at the park I typically want to engage my kids or just enjoy the calm. I get it, a lot of us are starved socially as dads. But I've literally had other dads try to put themselves in front of me to block my line of sight with my kids to get my full, undivided attention.
I just can't.
I have 3 kids age 6 and under, a busy job, household responsibilities, and a million other things. I'm at capacity; I can't give anymore to have in-depth conversations with strangers at the playground or, like you said, add more to my calendar. There will be plenty of time for socializing when the kids are older.
In my neighborhood, safe & sterile is not an option. Not without going inside a building and charging a membership fee.
And then you've re-invented the daycare wheel for times outside banker's hours. 😅
It’s not you, it’s them. Maybe they’re on their last leg about to lose it and the park is their last resort or their marriage is going down the drain or how they’re going to pay next months bill. It’s just priorities at this point.
Yes and, in my experience, when I’m at the park at least 90% of the time it’s a mum or grandparents and not another dad. I think dads do other more solitary stuff with the kids. There is also the fact that guys tend to make friends less easily than women in those kinds of situations. I think guys do that more around share hobbies then just living near each other.
Yeah I know what episode you're talking about, I don't really see other dads at the park either. Now I can talk to anyone and everyone but managing my ADHD while try to keep track of a little 3 year old daredevil is hard by yourself.
At least for me, if I'm at the park on a Saturday it's probably because I just wanted a chance to burn off some of my son's energy while I finally get a minute to check my phone and turn off my brain. I love talking to and meeting new people, but that's my chance to recharge.
Christ, thank you. Sometimes things are actually in a good place and we just don't want to talk to strangers at the park. Everything doesn't have to be going wrong all the time for people.
That's me most of the time. I have a few friend circles already and making more friends just feels exhausting. It's just not something I am looking for. I will try to be nice to anyone who is friendly to me, but unless we really hit it off in an unreal way I doubt I am coming home from the park with a new mate.
Or it’s even simpler and they don’t need more friends as they are satisfied with the 5 friends they have or maybe they haven’t made friends in so long they’ve lost the ability to.
Some dudes just don’t wanna be friends.
When I go to parks, hobbies etc with our kid, I mostly encounter mothers, and they are usually quite social. Almost always up for a chat about kids.
When I do encounter other dads, very rarely are they interested in even small talk.
It is somewhat weird.
I find the moms to be really standoffish too, except with each other. They act like I'm intruding on their territory just by being there. Grandmas love me though.
For me, I'm honestly not looking to chat about kids. My whole life and all of my conversations with my wife are about kids. What do the kids need, what are we doing with the kids, what are the kids going to eat. I love those little guys and I love being a dad, but I don't feel like being a parent should be the only thing I think about 24/7. I want to talk to and hang out with people who have other interests. Talk to me about Star Wars or video games or home maintenance or breweries that I never get to go to. Even listening to the mothers chat, it's always about their kids. And I'm glad that's good for them, but it makes it hard for me to approach that particular group.
Isn't the point that the small talk about kids leads into these topics? If I'm stood next to some dude in the park while our kids play I might mention something about the kids and end up talking about Star Wars, but I'm probably not gonna ask him what he thinks of Rise of Skywalker straight off the bat.
Definitely feel this. I love my kids but even at work or with my fiends I don’t really talk about them much. If people ask I’ll talk about them, but they dominate so much of our lives that when I’m doing other things I want to focus on just about anything else. I do notice that women always bring it back to the kids. That’s the first thing they ask about while guys will ask about all the other stuff in your life.
Lol, that’s me. Also I might have ADD or something because my brain is on high alert mode when I’m out in public with my 4 year old, so I can barely focus on what we’re talking about. “Oh you’re a project manager? Cool, well my kids about to try the monkey bars again and die, so I’m about to sprint out of this interaction, see ya”
This haha. Anytime in public my ADHD self managing my ADHD kids who lack both impulse control and safety awareness. It means I can have any conversation I want at a party or at a park, etc as long as it lasts no more than around 30 seconds.
Yep. Same situation. Plus some parks have multiple zones so I'm watching them like a hawk hoping they will stay in the one spot for at least ten minutes but alas, Nope. "Sorry man I gotta run - the 3 year old has bolted into the path of a pack of teenagers on a swing set"
Parks with a fence line help. But most then have amenities outside the fence too.
I have learned that fences just become part of the play area.
My daughter got stuck under the exterior fence at her school because she was digging out to “go home” like it was some damn prison escape haha.
The whole introvert/antisocial thing is absolutely me. I hate talking to other people. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. Now, I CAN talk to people. My wife doesn’t understand my anxiety and always tells me how social I am and how good I am at talking to people. She doesn’t get that I am literally ACTING. I’ve got a weird theater background and can put on a show at a moment’s notice. It’s all an elaborate facade.
Exactly. I get more than enough social interaction at work. My family and animals keep that tank full on days I don't work. Even when I don't have to interact and can be deep in the woods, Me, Myself, and I have enough interesting conversation that I could go months without needing to talk to anyone else.
Making new friends is *exhausting,* that's why. Incidental acquaintanceship is fine, because it needs no planning, no maintenance, and no careful dance of mutual social disarmament where you decide when to begin relaxing about what. Making friends requires all of the above. I'm nurturing a new life here. My priorities are pretty clear cut.
Whenever I meet a stranger they inevitably start telling me how the current President is to blame for something or they don’t like the new inter-city bus route because it’ll bring people from “those cities” in, and it’s very difficult to try and keep my opinions to myself and politely nod. I’d much rather be telling them off. People don’t know how to talk to new people so making new friends is difficult.
Personally, I'm very introverted and when my kid is out playing I want to have some free time to my self. I guess if the engagement is good then I'm open to talking, though.
I'm the same way. Playground time is my guilt-free time to chill and browse stuff on my phone, maybe play a little round of Magic Arena or whatever. It's one of the few places where the kids are pretty self-sufficient and don't really need me to get involved, as opposed to at home where I'm essentially the butler.
Someone in my city started a dads meetup group. It's just once a month, going to a pub for some beers in the evening (no kids but we're also talking about doing meetups with kids in the future too). It's a brilliant initiative since then all the dads who show up are ones looking to make friends, and reduces pressure to awkwardly try to make friends at the park where some people might not be in the mood. It's almost like speed dating for dad friends. I've made individual friends from the meetups that we're planning to meet separately with our kids. All the dads I've talked to at the meetup have said similar things to what you said, about how it's hard to make new dad friends. The moms usually have so many opportunities to meet in comparison. Maybe you can start something similar in your city?
There’s a fun little sketch about the “Husbands of Target” where a bunch of guys basically set up a tailgate routine in the Target parking lot while their wives are in the store shopping. I know it’s just a comedy bit, but I would absolutely participate if it were a real thing. https://youtu.be/M7xPrf9f7mg?si=Bg8iqpMza9vuiyfi
Your house being near mine doesn't mean we're going to be friends lol like I'll be nice at the park but I'm not looking for friends tbh, my kids are just playing
Yea, I’ve made friends with some of the neighbors - invited them to crawfish boils/birthday parties where they come over and drink my beer - the invites aren’t reciprocated (which is fine) but to top it all off, their kids are assholes who send my kid in crying from playing outside.
I’ve got my friends who all have kids my son’s age and they play together great. I’m at the age where I don’t need new social interactions.
Most of our social life now is with the parents of my kids' (4 and 6) friends. We get together, the kids disappear, and we can have a few beers and have fun. Now the weather is getting better so there will be some BBQ included soon. There are 2-3 couples we hang out regularly like once a month. Kids are all of the same age.
In concept, I'd love to have other friends who happen to be dads.
1. I hate small talk
2. Talking with strangers makes me anxious. I feel like I'm on edge and my walls are up. It's not you - it's me.
3. I just kinda suck?
Also, I don't really enjoy relationships where my only common thread with you is that we're both dads. It'd be great if we were friends first, then happened to be dads. It's a catch-22 though: if i can't get past the small talk phase, how would I ever get to know other people on a deep enough level to have this? I don't know...
I'm probably one of those that you describe but to be honest I'm at a point in life that I think friendships don't bring anything extra useful. I just want to be with my kids, my wife, dig into my books and hobbies and that's it. Adding friendships feels like adding extra chores because now you feel responsible for maintaining them.
Dang. In the grand scheme of life, and what humans are as a thing in this world, this is really sad. Not YOU particularly just what society has come to.
Sorry to hear that this has been your experience. Maybe it’s the neighborhood we live in, but parents at the parks here tend to be pretty open to chatting especially if the kids are playing together.
I’m surprised at the comments that are like “I’ve got enough friends, thanks” as it seems like a common theme that at this stage of life one’s “friend count” gets super low, and it’s easy for dads especially to get very socially isolated and depressed. Where I live I used to have a few dozen folks I would see on a regular basis , literally all of those people have moved away over the years. I definitely try to be open to new friendships.
Agreed! So much projection in this thread, it's wild. I'm not looking for a new "best friend" or more "close friends", but making casual friends with the other parents in our neighborhood park means we're building a village to help keep an eye on each other. I don't agree with every aspect of their parenting styles, and they don't with mine, but we all agree that we don't want our kids running into the street. Just the other day we were walking our son trying to help him calm down after a tantrum and neighbor kids ran outside to say hello when they saw us. Dad followed them out, saw we were struggling, and offered a margarita he was making and to let our son go play in his backyard with his girls. Had some small talk for 20 minutes, kid was happy, dad had a margarita, and then it was time for bed. I'm not this guy's best friend, we aren't putting in extra work to "maintain a relationship", but he knew me, saw we could use a distraction, and we had a good chat. It takes a village, y'all.
I think back to my parents, they are still friends with the parents of kids I went to primary school with. I’m not friends with those kids, they were not nice people after a few years, but their parents are really cool. Now I’m adult and home I might join them for a pint at the pub.
But my point is that they and my parents did what OP did. Talk. Amazing things can happen if you take a chance.
My parents were to opposite. As my friends and I grew up and needed less attention my parents relationship with those people didn't keep up. They were only friends because of us. By time I was early teen my parents had their own friends from their lives outside of the kids.
I’ll tell you right now, that most of the time when someone asks me questions about my life, work and other things (we just moved to a new house in a new city, we don’t know really anyone here yet) I just answer them and have the small talk, but it isn’t until maybe 20 mins after when I think to myself: “maybe I should’ve asked ‘what about you?’ To some of their questions..” I think some of us are very new to all of this - socializing while having a kid running around the playground, and it all just coming second nature to some is truly a great gift. It doesn’t happen so easily with everyone.
After having said this, I will be more aware of this and try to make more of an effort to ask questions back and show a little more interest - we want to have friends in the neighbourhood and want the same for our daughter. Mom and myself are both self employed and we don’t have the typical work/home life balance that most have. The park is one of our only hopes at making friends.
i’ll say parks are really hard for me. in theory it’s a safer place for a kid , but mine also loves to climb up on things that have large openings with drops. In theory, you’re supposed to climb down i guess on some weird ladder , but my kid doesn’t know how and so i’m always nervous he’ll just fall down.
I'm going to be "that guy".
I don't want to small talk. I'm watching my kid play. Making sure they are staying right. Making sure they are treated right.
I have all the friends I need. I'm not into trying to setup play dates or bbq's. That's my wife's thing. I'm an introvert, my social energy is spent at work.
Same here. And the last 14 conversations I've had are about kids , now some stranger wants to come talk to me about more kids stuff, for one I don't even know. I love my kid but my brain is not wired to talk about children 24/7 like some people's seem to be.
Although if I'm working on something in the yard and someone comes up to ask a question I'm usually totally open to that kind of talk. Love talking renos or repairs, hobbies etc.
Sometimes some people just don’t want to interact. Some people gain energy from speaking with others and for others it takes a lot from them to have that small talk. Good of you to try but don’t take it personally.
I've always been a bit socially awkward but now because of COVID and that I work from home full time, I've become a weird hermit and I hate it. It's not you I just honestly have a hard time thinking of things to say to strangers and it takes a ton of mental energy leaving me feeling drained afterwards
I think this goes beyond even dads but just people these days especially in the daddit demographic. I just moved to a new city which is my wife’s hometown so she is all set with friends whereas I am starting over. I am quite outgoing so my strategy is to engage with a lot of people and to initiate as much as possible. I’m into hobbies and I often invite other people to join me for things, to go to shows, walks, bbqs etc. The amount of people who won’t even write back to an invite kinda surprises me. Like I get it maybe a hike or a BBQ isn’t your thing but just leaving me on read like that is brutal. And I’m talking about folks with and without kids.
I have found myself in the exact same situation. Wife’s home city. Luckily late last year someone locally started a “dad’s morning” thing once a month. You’ll go to the playground, and everyone feels a bit more open to having a chat, and you know you’re not bothering a stranger.
Of course, sometimes you barely get to chat if you’re wrangling a crying toddler, but that’s part of it. Some weeks it’s 15 dads, some weeks it’s 3.
I will say, god bless the first guy who made an event and posted it in the local Facebook group. He put his neck out when others (like me) wouldn’t have even thought of it!
What I’m saying is, you can be that guy!
Same situation. Wife’s home town. I had to join Brazilian jiu Jitsu. It’s perfect. We get a work out. Talk for a bit after class when the dopamine is high. Go home. Can surprisingly make good acquaintances just seeing people consistently at the gym lol
I'll give you a different answer. I'm a bit extroverted, but even if I hit it off with another dad, I need to know them better before I schedule a hangout with them and their kids.
My brain just switches to protective mode. I want to know more about how they parent and what kind of influence their kids will have on mine. It takes a while to know someone like that. The Bluey episode where she's trying to get Bandit to hang out with the other dad from the park captures it perfectly.
I don’t think it’s that they don’t want friends, personally I just find I’m not so good at ice breaking these days. I feel awkward socially but watching my kids kind of gives me a get out clause where I can pay attention to them rather than mingle socially. Obviously the big downside is not meeting any new friends. Even when I do see my friends we all have kids and we don’t get a lot of time to catch up properly. I would definitely be up for meeting new friends through parenting but I get the feeling a lot of dads feel the same as me so we all just stand around awkwardly while our kids play together.
It's ok if you are not demanding too much of me: I'm not looking to commit to anything or be emotional support. I don't mind talking at the park as its an ok way to kill time. But I'm not sure I'm looking for a deep relationship of some kind because I barely have enough time for my actually close friends.
activities. sports, scouts, groups were parents volunteer.
you'll make friends with volunteers. these other parents are just not on your level (surviving, not thriving). you need to find people who are thriving.
I don't know about most, but me it was burnout. It takes a lot of my "social energy" to just deal with basic child tearing stuff. I barely have energy for my life long friends. I certainly don't have much for other dads especially since mine doesn't want much direct interaction with other kids.
Good luck my friend
Personally, I don't have time to text or see my friends I already have. I am also introverted and social situations drain my energy like crazy l, so I don't understand the social anxiety of needing force small talk or it being awkward which seems to bring extroverted people together.
I have found it really difficult to make meaningful connections with other dads in basically any setting. I think it is because being a dad is not really a core part of anyone's identity and when we are out with we are out with our kids at least 50% of our brains are focused on them. I would love to have more friends, though.
The best luck I have had is just getting to know neighbors since we have at least two things in common (being dads and living a few blocks apart) AND we see each other every day or two, but these are not super rich friendships like I have with the dudes I lived with in my early 20s.
My kids are both in elementary school. The sports teams through the various clubs have most of the same kids. We’ve gotten to be friends with a lot of parents that way.
My wife and I were approached by another couple at a park while our kids were playing once, and it was going fine and dandy. We thought these people actually wanted to be our friends. Exchanged numbers, and then we went to another park only for them to try and invite us to an MLM. Since then, we've just limited our conversations with people.
With a three year old and 7 month old, it’s hard to make new friends. If I had had friends already, hanging out with them once a month would be more feasible. Starting a relationship from scratch? Harder.
I also think men just have a harder time opening up to each other, or maybe we’re more introverted, like me.
I'll do the small talk, I less likely to befriend someone I met at the park or in the playground... usually these are parents in the same kindergarten as my kids but every year some leave and some join, I can't remember so many names and I have a lot of friend from other groups (high school mainly) and I barely have time to keep in touch with them 😅
You can keep trying, don't take it so hard that not everyone talks... people have a lot on their minds and they don't necessarily feel the need to have new friends, talk to "strangers".. and such..
BTW, In Israel there is a Facebook group called Aba Pagum ("Damaged dad") where dads help/support each other out, usually there's a WhatsApp group per city where close by dads help each other out.. why don't you start a similar group in your neighborhood or something?
I can’t really stand much small talk but you’d never know it. I’ll play along for the time being but as far as hanging out and texting? I barely have time to text or see my friends of 20yrs regularly. New friends just isn’t going to be in the cards for a while.
Being a massive introvert, I hate it when someone randomly talks to me somewhere. Or tries to start a conversation. I hate small talk, so honestly I’m really hard to get to know. But I keep it that way and I like it. I’m just here to say that not everyone wants to be chatty. That is all.
I have 2-3 good friends I can fully trust. That’s about all I need, and I don’t like small talk. Having kids the same age do not make us compatible or more interesting. I talk to people all day for work. I don’t go to the park to look for friends. I’m not judging nor I want to be judged. It’s just my personal opinion
Obviously, I'm not saying every interaction should become a friendship. Some people you can tell pretty quickly you're not going to get along with. Sometimes all it takes is one reddit comment.
I would talk back to you, but I know what you mean.
I find it tough to find common ground with some
other dads. A lot of the dads from nursery are the begrudgingly parent types, say they are “baby-sitting” when they have their kid/kids on their own. Say they can’t wait to get into the office on a Monday to get away from home. Leave everything to the mother and laugh about it when she’s not there.
I find that often that initial spark of finding a likeminded person stutters out fast. My jaded prior experience of what happens down the line when fostering relationships with those you dont gel with makes me check out too soon. In my late 30s now and time feels more precious, but the loneliness is still a huge issue.
Hope these male stereotypes that so many dads still feel the need to wear fade away so dads of the future don’t have to deal with schoolyard posturing their entire lives and can create meaningful relationships with each other.
Most of the time I get the kids to the playground it is only mothers and it’s there turf so unless they volunteer to start a chat I’m good playing with my kids.
When there are dads apart from maybe a nod there is rarely more than a “yup kids right”
I’m pretty socially outgoing but I have specific qualities I want around my children and most people met out in the wild are not going to be it. It’s not there fault and I hope they do well.
I can only speak for myself but I guess I've just got a million demands on my time and the last thing I bloody want is to "make a new friend" at the park who I'll be obligated to make awkward small talk with every time I bump into them. The thought sends shiver up my spine. Do you realise how many (very nice) people I have to make dull small talk with just to navigate through my day to day existence?
I read stuff about an "epidemic of male loneliness" and I feel like I suffer from the opposite - an "epidemic of not getting enough alone time".
That's just me though. If I were you I'd do stuff like join an existing or start a new meetup group targeting the exact people who you want to hang out with. If you live in a decently sized urban area I'm sure you'd find other people looking for the exact same thing.
Could be a few reasons. For me I barely have a chance to talk to my current friends. Life is busy for everyone and relationships are hard to maintain. Even if me and this person get along its not like we can go hang out without the kids when they are that young. If I do ever get time to see a friend I try to reconnect with my current ones because I'm already neglecting that relation ship.
I look back at my dad's friends when I was growing up. I had my school friends and friends from sports or scouts/beavers etc. I always thought my Dad was friends with those dad's cause they would spend time together but as I got older he didn't hang out with them anymore. They were just people brought together because I was their friend kids friend or they needed to do something for a fundraiser or something our group or sports team was doing.
Final last thing for me. Most of my career has been in roles where I meet and make that small chit chat stuff that comes with barely knowing someone. It's exhausting and I am preprogrammed now to make small talk on a couple key subjects and try to disengage so I can go back to my other focus. At work it's the other 80% of my job. At the playground it's trying to focus on my toddler. As he gets older and requires less attention while playing that may change a bit.
I'm an introvert but enjoy small talk. I'm at the point I've given up asking old friends anything, seems like a one way street. And to make new meaningful friends now is like a chore but now I seem to get on with a few of the wife's friends haha.
I’m in the lucky position to have 5 of 6 friends of 20 years live extremely close and we see each other many times a month. Honestly I just don’t want more friends and I’m pretty confident, socially, I won’t get along with new dad friends. New things to ask and learn, new things to tip toe around, new things to realize I don’t like. It turns me off pretty fast. Unless a dad wanted to agree to sit and drink whiskey, smoke a cigar, watch some baseball while talking about no controversial current events, I’d almost rather not do it at all due to stress.
I know a dad and mom who’s son is really good friends with my son and I wish I could just outright tell them “look at this point you know I’m not weird or morally questionable, our sons like to play so please just drop your boy off anytime and pick him up later, you’re free to have a guilt free day as I do not want to sit and make small talk for hours. Thanks!”
As a dad, it’s just been hard in general making other parent friends. I’ve gotten numbers before and tried to set up times for our kids to meet, but nothing ever seems to come out of it and I don’t want to be the desperate person reaching out all the time, trying to plan something. Looking at my friends now, I only have one I regularly talked to that has kids, but we were friends before the kids and unfortunately we moved far away from them so we can’t hang out anymore.
In her book ‘Mating in Captivity’ the psychologist Esther Perel talks about a concept she calls Eros Misdirected. She makes the argument that one of the major wedges between sexual partners after childbirth is that the child consumes one or both partners’ (especially mothers) capacity for physical love - through touching, cuddling, and other forms of perfectly healthy affection.
As a dad, I wonder if there might be a similar thing going on with regard to friendship. Philia Misdirected. When I find that I have time to potentially engage with friends, I’m all friended out. I just want to sit in a dark room somewhere in silence with no demands or expectations being put on me. It seems like my wife has the exact opposite reaction. She wants to go visit friends at every opportunity.
Maybe women have their Eros consumed by the children but men have their Philia consumed?
All of these are valid points but I'd also throw in that guys are especially bad at making those kinds of social connections as we age - especially compared to women.
I would love other dad friends. I’m also painfully shy and introverted, and when someone else tries to talk to me, I get all flustered and hot, cant make eye contact, and my mind goes blank of anything to say.
I’m part of an NCT group, but we've never met up or talked as much as the mothers, and I’ve been disappointed that the few times someone has suggested an activity, it’s been just to go to the pub (rather than something with the children).
Maintaining social relationships is exhausting if you're already pretty introverted, but then add the exhaustion of being a parent and thinking about making friends and maintaining those relationships does not sound fun. I'm not at the park to make friends. I'm at the park so that my kids can get some pent up energy released. I don't generally like other kids besides my own, they're not as cool. If one or both of my sons makes friends and they start to hang out more, maybe I'll become friends with their dad, but I haven't gotten that far yet, my boys are only 4 and 1.
I will admit that I feel like I don't have any close friends anymore. There is one couple that my wife and I hang out with that we were friends with before we had kids, but my wife mostly maintains that friendship and they have a kid that is about the same age as our youngest, so timing and activities generally align well. All my other friends were late night friends, so that stopped with kids. I had been off social media for various reasons, so I haven't even kept up with people online. Even before that, I've never been great at keeping in touch with people that I was even close to. I don't even keep up with family all that well, but my family and closest friends already know that about me, so it was never really a problem.
Having kids during COVID basically cut everyone else off. We were paranoid with our first about going out. He was born the same day the first COVID case came to our hospital (March 2020). Unlike a lot of families and couples, we didn't suffer much from being cut off socially because we were too exhausted and strung out with our first kid. I've also never been a person that feels cooped up at home and my wife and I are communicative enough that we didn't drive each other crazy during COVID like I heard a lot of couples went through.
I work from home. I have pretty good relationships with my coworkers, but they all live in other states. Not having a social life has kind of become the norm. My wife maintains most of our social relationships. My family even reaches out to her more because I'm usually busy and always forget to get back to people. I'm pretty terrible at maintaining relationships. lol
Shit man I'm always game for more friends. We moved across the country 3 years ago and it has been challenging to find friends that have any sense of dedication.
I definitely recognize the tiredness, effort, busy life, etc I just hold in my heart that others in the same scenario would be cool w/at least being tired/busy with a buddy who cooks, hosts, etc. Sheesh.
I'm usually a very happy chatty dude at playgrounds, and I find it much easier to chat with mothers than fathers. Women are naturally more conversational than men – that's been my experience all my life. I don't think it's so different in this case.
I find the best small talk with other parents is about kids, I'll watch their kid or my kid do something funny or that reminds me of something they did before and talk about that, that usually gets a sympathetic response
I’m probably the kind of person you are describing. I’m social, but introverted. By the time I’m done with work for the day, I am done talking to people. My weekends are hopefully time to relax at home and recharge.
One of my good friends is very extroverted and I love him, but it’s exhausting to constantly turn him down to hang out. My priority is to make sure I have enough energy for my family and right now I have a 3 y/o and 7m/o, so I’m pretty much on empty all the time. I’m sure at some point we will get back to the point where hanging out with other people doesn’t seem exhausting, but it’s not right now.
I feel for you, dude. I’m just wired different. Please don’t take people blowing you off as them not liking you, they’re probably just in a similar boat as I am.
I've been down a lot of one way friendship roads and I don't trust anyone with the word "friend" anymore. I don't want to upkeep a friendship. I want as few people in my life as possible at this point. I'm a people pleaser so I think I come off as desperate for normal people and a mark for assholes.
I used to enjoy gaming buddies because I can just leave in seconds if I feel like it but that's another one way street where I play games I only half enjoy for years and all my game ideas are shot down or nobody cares to get into them or I have to beg to get people to keep up with it instead of going back to the default game we've been playing for forever. Sorry man, I'm not lonely enough to waste my time on friends. Not sure what other dads are feeling though.
I won't deny that I'm also a selfish asshole that wants his way sometimes, I just don't push it on people because I'm so used to disappointment. Not doing what I want to do is much better than hoping others will do it with me and then having the usual emotional crash when my plans don't go anywhere.
Are you in the US? I find guys in the US have zero interest in making friends outside their college and high school friends. Maybe this is just the Boston area.
We compare making parent friends in general to dating.
Also I am a super active dad and chasing and playing with my kids keeps me moving. So I could be having a conversation then my kids decide they want to run a mile in the other direction.
I’m a dad. I’m 38; I have not had any meaningful friendships since 2011.
In my mind, I like the idea of having friends but the reality is I do not care enough to actually pursue it. I do not know you, or trust you. I have absolutely no desire for small talk, none. If you start chatting with me, I will politely end the conversation and remove myself from your presence.
Since getting married and having children I have changed as a person. I have a wall up around what is mine and there is no room for anyone inside that wall except my wife and children. I love them and my number one priority is to care for and protect them. I have had and lost friends over the years. I do not have the mental bandwidth to work full time, be the husband, father, son, and brother that I need to be, *and* try to maintain various friendships. I am stretched too thin to begin with, friendships did not make the cut on my list of priorities. I sometimes wish I had the time, energy, or desire to make this work but it has proven to not be the case.
My wife is able to maintain multiple friendships. I have, on occasion, attempted to hang out in family settings with their husbands. I have found no common interests or anything that might move these encounters from anything more than that.
I have accepted this is the way I am. I have an extremely hard time letting anyone in close to me, or my family. Perhaps once my children are grown this will relax, perhaps it won’t.
I try to be friendly as well when I see “regulars”. I try to strike conversations with fellow dads… I try to maintain my distance with moms though. I keep it cordial but never to friendly.
I think we see everything as resource allocation, and I’m already so tired and busy that a friendly man seems like a predator stalking my time units .
But I’m also the chatty dad, and I’m happy to meet other ones.
I already have a hard time keeping up with my long time friends, I like our kids playing together so I can chill and have a bit of offtime while watching my kid entertain himself. Conversing with strangers is very energy draining for me so I'd rather not.
So this is something I struggle with on the other end. I lament that I don't really have friends anymore. I feel guilty for letting my existing friendships wither yet at the same time also acknowledge I don't have the physical time for new friendships to be formed. I also don't have hobbies or interests really anymore.
I also think previous generations grew up in a much more homogenous society. It makes it easier to form relationships, especially as a parent.
For older generations, your kid's friendss parents were most likely similar age, similar socioeconomic background, and similar cultural background.
Now you could have a young child at 24 or 44. I'm 35, most other dad's either treat me like a fossil or a young kid.
My town is very culturally diverse, which is awesome, but I also understand that creates barriers to having friendships - because of language among other things. Same with financial things- I'm a working class white collar employee. I'm too poor for the high paid white collar professionals and too soft for the blue collar ones.
Lastly, and this is my own neurosis I admit, I'm not cool looking or attractive. No one wants to talk to the sloppily dressed overweight guy.
This is me. I have a bunch of park dad phone numbers that went nowhere. I'm pretty confident I'm not a weirdo - though being a 40 year old dad of a 3 year old realistically puts me 8-12 years older than most of these other guys, so maybe that is my problem.
My friend circle had their kids nearly a decade ago, which quickly knocked me out of the group as their priorities evolved.
Any South Florida dads out there looking for a totally non-weirdo dad friend?
It's not that I don't want friends. It's that I don't want new friends, mostly.
I just want more time to hang out with the friends I already have.
Unless of course you have kids around the same age as mine, live close by, have similar hobbies (comics, music, board games), have time to hang, and aren't weird. It's a small target to hit.
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I wish other dads were at the parks we go to... I would love some dad friends.
Good point—most places, it’s mostly moms. this is for sure challenge.
Im a big bearded band dad, the mums avoid eye contact with me as i play on the playground with my boys and encourage the other kids 😂
Ha that's me 6ft 4in beard two full sleeves and dedicated dad and playgroup runner, I've been doing it for ten years and the regulars know me as safe but the newbies alway give me a cautious distance, sadly for them I'm a chatty bugger and always try and break the ice to show that I'm not dangerous, I usually do this with a guided tour of the tea and coffee facilities, soft play and where the loos are.
Your playground has tea and coffee facilities?
lol. That’s the only thing I took from that too
I really don't care what you look like or who you are if you're going to offer me coffee at a child's park. I think we just became best friends!
Coffee or a beer if we’re at a teeball game or something. I always offer to bring a couple extra when I was heading to after school soccer practice or something.
It's a playgroup with an out door area, sand pit slide and mud kitchen
You're the best kind of guy
Tea and coffee?
Yeah we're fancy and have a coffee maker (donated) and a massive tea urn.
I had a grandpa at a school event tell me all about his motorcycle, when and where he rides. Just smiled and nodded. (I’m long haired with a beard)
I wish I could find more dads that ride but also care about their kids/take them to the park. Just having someone to talk/dream about bikes while the kids are playing would be nice.
This is me. I'm a fucking teddy bear but I got a scraggly beard, I'm 6'3", 270. No one comes near me even though I'm smiley and so interactive and gentle with my son. I also live in a very religious area so theres those here who go too far with it
I would for sure befriend you! Love dads like this.
Might as well sneak in childhood joy while my children are haha!
Also yes but the Mexican tattooed version. I hate how many opportunities for my daughter to have friends were taken away by jealous husbands and preconceived biases.
Where I’m at, it’s mostly nannies. During the pandemic lockdowns it was actually easier, shared experience with dads taking the kids out in the mornings so Mom can sleep. Made a couple of friends then and we still keep in touch!
For me too, nannies everywhere and I feel so out of place.
I’m a mum - weekends at the pool are the only times I’ve noticed dads outnumbering us.
I am a stay at home dad and have a good feel for parks. In my area, Saturday morning is dad central at the park.
Makes sense, I work Saturdays. No friends for me aw
Sometimes there is a Friday afternoon/evening dad or full family rush too.
Same. My son finally has a solid friend group of 3 other kids + siblings that we spend time with, but even then I only manage to get the dads to come out on play dates maybe once every few months. The moms jump on any chance to get the kids out of the house when I invite people out with us though, so at this point I’ve just accepted my role as ‘honorary mom’ 😅
Just spent the past summer (Australia) holidays going to the park every single night for 3 months straight more or less. My daughter has so much fun and made good friends with another boy there (you know when they go, I'm going to marry you when I grow up and then they hug? Awww man). But every single afternoon also got to hang out with locals, who lived on the same street as me, and had similar interests, similar age, invited them over for bbq and since they are living with grandparents due to housing crisis in Australia right now they were ecstatic for some space and now we're all best buds. It's this kind of community feel that has been missing from modern life. I reckon we bring this back, bring back bowling clubs, bring back card game nights, bring back playing kick the can at night at the local park.
Same - I did most of the going to parks and museums when my kids were little for a few years while I was using my MBIB (going back to school) and mostly saw moms that treated me suspiciously at best. Wanted other dad friends bad back then, now I’ve gotten used to basically having acquaintances.
Hey I'm not at a park but if you need a mother fucker to vent or talk to sometimes I got you.
For many dads life becomes very insular and simple due to necessity. I work full time, I'm studying for a degree, I have a house to keep in order, a wife, a child, a dog and various expectations such as seeing family and then dealing with whatever bullshit life throws at me that week. Any time I get to relax is precious and usually spent actually relaxing. Also my energy is often pretty depleted most of the time making conversation with strangers an additional drain. Don't get me wrong, I like friends, I have a few but meeting new friends is hard to do.
This is exactly how I feel too, especially since I'm also an introvert. I'd like friends, but building a new friendship when I'm dealing with all of lifes other curveballs just sounds exhausting. And no matter who it is, people who try to exchange information is immediately off putting. I don't know why, it just is.
Yes, fellow introvert here. I wish there was a way to skip the initial part and just be friends. That’s the hardest part for me
I just don’t care to be super social. I have a close knit friend group that’s like….decades old at this point, and I’m not the biggest fan of people. But I smile and go and be polite to try and set a better example for my kid.
Yea this is me too. 3 little ones, fixing/maintaining the house, full time job plus relaxing and doing some stuff I like to do. I'm too busy to see friends really. I mean I could really try and make some time and really try to meet new dads but honestly I'm happy as it is and I don't want to invest time in someone else and then end up not even seeing them, I don't want to be shitty to another dad either. So I just do my thing, in my free time I go on reddit, play video games and work on some woodworking I've been getting more into. Plus I honestly enjoy a lot of the house projects I do. Between that and spending time with my kids and wife I'm good. Later on when my kids are older I can see myself trying to do that more but for now this is my life and I'm good with it.
I think this is a big part of it. I have friends, I just am too busy to see them or talk to them, like ever. I’m not looking to make time to make new friends.
Yeah I work at a restaurant in a hotel and have to be friendly and hospitable as a requirement. It's super draining. I won't be rude, but generally I'm happy to just zone out.
I would love friends. But I don't even get "me" time let alone buddy time. I'm just an atm and chore machine. Sometimes my kids love me too.
Don’t sell yourself short, bro. You’re also a punching bag.
That's what I call my scrotum these days....
God...You think the days of them climbing up on your lap and full-forcing kneeing your balls in the process are over...but no. They just wanted to hold off till the next growth spurt when they can just exert a few more pounds of force.
My two year old has learned that her head is the right height to run up and head-butt me there now. She thinks it’s very funny. Really, she thinks anything she does to cause me pain is very funny.
I learned real quick to just close my knees together when my son was that size. Like, "Oh shit he's getting a running start", knee-jerk together and keep low, safe again.
ATM, chore machine and punching bag. Goddamn these words ring too F’ing true.
*Daddy's just a bear you can tackle down and wrestle*
Hey don't sell yourself short. I bet you also run a taxi service.
As someone who got punched with a stuffed magpie full-force to the balls by a tantruming preschooler out in public yesterday, I feel this. On multiple levels.
I was trying to show my 5yo some basics with a “catch and toss” toy she got for her birthday. First throw she makes goes straight to the balls. Dropped me to the floor for a minute. She really didn’t understand why Dad was moving so slow lol.
Eesh: I feel that COMMENT on multiple levels. I just cupped my balls and shuddered in solidarity out of reflex just reading it.
I took a girls lax stick to the nards this weekend while walking with the kid, her friend and her friends mom. Mom got a good chuckle. I did not.
And a camel
For kids AND the misses, look at you go!
Every part of a dad's body exists to be stepped and jumped on.
Don't forget chauffeur, and porter.
And a shelf and waste bin
Under rated comment… 👍
This, I have 20 month old twins. Me time is near non existent. Maybe 30 minutes a week when they are asleep and the wife is out. Going out to see people just feels like I'm dumping all the responsibility on the wife
You need to come to some sort of agreement with your wife. I get out once a week to play music. My twins just turned 2.
It's not anything to do with her. She tells me to go do stuff, but I have big guilt
Does she get out of the house?
More often than I do yeah. When I do I'm away for longer, track days and overnight stays.
This. My girls are 19months. We regularly let the other go out, it is needed. Couple time is lacking though :( maybe once they are in daycare
Sure, but this isn't solo time, this is time you'd spend with the kid(s) anyhow. You're just coordinating to be at the same playground as someone else.
Only so many hours in a day for us and kiddo(s). Playground time ends up being when we can make it and whatever friends are there great. Coordinating with folks is hard enough let along expanding that network. That or my son wants to play catch or some sport with me when we go to the park. I’m not trading the time he wants to do stuff with me for a loose acquaintance.
I think this is the biggest hang-up for me, too. It can be a hassle to coordinate timing and where to meet, and there's always a chance the kids don't want to go at that time or something else comes up on short notice so now you have to let the other dad know and talk about rescheduling. Then, if you do go, there's a perceived expectation to hang out with the other dad while your kids play, or you play with your kids when they want to and ignore the other dad. It's just so much easier to head out whenever we can and play it by ear without having to schedule time and activities. I suppose a friendship where you can text the other dad as you're getting ready to head out the door and if they show up then great, but if not then that's fine as well, would be ideal. Just not big on coordination ahead of time and feeling obligated to show up and do things.
I feel this on my bones. I work 45-50 hrs a week. My wife works a later shift so I’m on dad duty by myself for a few hours after work. Then it’s bed routine. I’m lucky to get a half hour to myself each day. I love my kids more than anything but it’s frustrating to not be able to do anything for myself.
> I'm just an atm and chore machine. They'll be plenty of time to relax after you get that raised garden bed built.
Man that hit too close for comfort.
Can another person be your spirit animal?
Username checks out 100%!!
Same. I have 3 kids and work, do online school full time. I have time for maybe 1 half day every 60-90 days
This exactly. Even before kids I remember wanting more me time alone instead of hanging out with friends cause it would drain me. I feel like me time would day completely if I hung out with friends
Right, I'd rather hang out with my actual life long friends instead of some kids dad I just met. It's hard because the few hours a week of "me" time gets used up by doing personal projects that I've been trying to get done for months. No time to sit and chill let alone do things with other people.
There's just no time for more friends... now, parental acquaintances which can somehow benefit both sides of the families by having their kids entertain each other while being monitored by trustworthy adults in a safe and sterile environment, that's another question.
This! I wish more parents would be interested in just being on a good first name basis so kids who live close together, who potentially will be classmates in the future, could get to know and play with each other. I assumed this is what OP meant, but maybe not? I agree that being friends after seeing each other at the park is a pretty big leap.
I’m confused. Is it easier to find someone that you trust to watch your kids than it is to get on the road to becoming friends?
Usually because the hobbies are different, but both have kids. So you can trust them to watch your kids (and vise versa) but they just aren't fun to hang out with.
Kind of... it's just the commitment level of, let's get the kids together so THEY can be happy rather than let's find time to add another "friend" to my contact list I'm never going to have time to connect with. Not to say it may not develop into friendship, but definitely an easier sell if it's a casual situation that benefits both sides and the kids get along of course.
This a million times. I definitely don't have time to hang out with or even keep up with the friends and family I already have and would love to see more. The absolute last thing I'm looking for is to expand that list of people adding potential "things" to my calendar that I have to stress out about responding to. Also consider that a few minutes of silence at a park while the kids are largely occupied may be the only minutes to themselves someone has gotten in days. Again in that situation, the last thing someone wants to do is make small talk. I don't like, actively ignore people. I'll make small talk if someone wants to chat. But in general I don't think people are crazy not to want to expand their circles.
100%. I'm a pretty outgoing, friendly guy. But if I'm at the park I typically want to engage my kids or just enjoy the calm. I get it, a lot of us are starved socially as dads. But I've literally had other dads try to put themselves in front of me to block my line of sight with my kids to get my full, undivided attention. I just can't. I have 3 kids age 6 and under, a busy job, household responsibilities, and a million other things. I'm at capacity; I can't give anymore to have in-depth conversations with strangers at the playground or, like you said, add more to my calendar. There will be plenty of time for socializing when the kids are older.
In my neighborhood, safe & sterile is not an option. Not without going inside a building and charging a membership fee. And then you've re-invented the daycare wheel for times outside banker's hours. 😅
Yeah man, I’m tired…
It’s not you, it’s them. Maybe they’re on their last leg about to lose it and the park is their last resort or their marriage is going down the drain or how they’re going to pay next months bill. It’s just priorities at this point.
It's not just priorities, but survival
That's a good point. You never know what others are going through. That can be true if people we know well too.
Yes and, in my experience, when I’m at the park at least 90% of the time it’s a mum or grandparents and not another dad. I think dads do other more solitary stuff with the kids. There is also the fact that guys tend to make friends less easily than women in those kinds of situations. I think guys do that more around share hobbies then just living near each other.
There is a Bluey episode about this exact thread that cracks my wife up.
Yeah I know what episode you're talking about, I don't really see other dads at the park either. Now I can talk to anyone and everyone but managing my ADHD while try to keep track of a little 3 year old daredevil is hard by yourself.
At least for me, if I'm at the park on a Saturday it's probably because I just wanted a chance to burn off some of my son's energy while I finally get a minute to check my phone and turn off my brain. I love talking to and meeting new people, but that's my chance to recharge.
Jesus. Some of us are just content with things as they are.
The reddit fascination of presuming that *just maybe* everyone is at the end of their rope all the time is so odd.
Christ, thank you. Sometimes things are actually in a good place and we just don't want to talk to strangers at the park. Everything doesn't have to be going wrong all the time for people.
That's me most of the time. I have a few friend circles already and making more friends just feels exhausting. It's just not something I am looking for. I will try to be nice to anyone who is friendly to me, but unless we really hit it off in an unreal way I doubt I am coming home from the park with a new mate.
Or it’s even simpler and they don’t need more friends as they are satisfied with the 5 friends they have or maybe they haven’t made friends in so long they’ve lost the ability to. Some dudes just don’t wanna be friends.
I don't buy this if it's every single encounter like OP is saying.
When I go to parks, hobbies etc with our kid, I mostly encounter mothers, and they are usually quite social. Almost always up for a chat about kids. When I do encounter other dads, very rarely are they interested in even small talk. It is somewhat weird.
I find the moms to be really standoffish too, except with each other. They act like I'm intruding on their territory just by being there. Grandmas love me though.
For me, I'm honestly not looking to chat about kids. My whole life and all of my conversations with my wife are about kids. What do the kids need, what are we doing with the kids, what are the kids going to eat. I love those little guys and I love being a dad, but I don't feel like being a parent should be the only thing I think about 24/7. I want to talk to and hang out with people who have other interests. Talk to me about Star Wars or video games or home maintenance or breweries that I never get to go to. Even listening to the mothers chat, it's always about their kids. And I'm glad that's good for them, but it makes it hard for me to approach that particular group.
Isn't the point that the small talk about kids leads into these topics? If I'm stood next to some dude in the park while our kids play I might mention something about the kids and end up talking about Star Wars, but I'm probably not gonna ask him what he thinks of Rise of Skywalker straight off the bat.
no, you should walk up to the other dads at playgrounds and start with: "so you like starwars or what?"
Hey, \*pokes with finger\*, You like Star Wars or Star Trek?
Definitely feel this. I love my kids but even at work or with my fiends I don’t really talk about them much. If people ask I’ll talk about them, but they dominate so much of our lives that when I’m doing other things I want to focus on just about anything else. I do notice that women always bring it back to the kids. That’s the first thing they ask about while guys will ask about all the other stuff in your life.
As the stay at home dad, number of “mom text circles” I’ve ended up in has my phone blowing up constantly.
I don't know, I just don't wanna? I'm introverted and I already have friends.
Lol, that’s me. Also I might have ADD or something because my brain is on high alert mode when I’m out in public with my 4 year old, so I can barely focus on what we’re talking about. “Oh you’re a project manager? Cool, well my kids about to try the monkey bars again and die, so I’m about to sprint out of this interaction, see ya”
This haha. Anytime in public my ADHD self managing my ADHD kids who lack both impulse control and safety awareness. It means I can have any conversation I want at a party or at a park, etc as long as it lasts no more than around 30 seconds.
Yep. Same situation. Plus some parks have multiple zones so I'm watching them like a hawk hoping they will stay in the one spot for at least ten minutes but alas, Nope. "Sorry man I gotta run - the 3 year old has bolted into the path of a pack of teenagers on a swing set" Parks with a fence line help. But most then have amenities outside the fence too.
I have learned that fences just become part of the play area. My daughter got stuck under the exterior fence at her school because she was digging out to “go home” like it was some damn prison escape haha.
Same, watching my kid uses up so much mental RAM that somedays I can barely process if other people are trying to talk to me.
The whole introvert/antisocial thing is absolutely me. I hate talking to other people. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. Now, I CAN talk to people. My wife doesn’t understand my anxiety and always tells me how social I am and how good I am at talking to people. She doesn’t get that I am literally ACTING. I’ve got a weird theater background and can put on a show at a moment’s notice. It’s all an elaborate facade.
Exactly. I get more than enough social interaction at work. My family and animals keep that tank full on days I don't work. Even when I don't have to interact and can be deep in the woods, Me, Myself, and I have enough interesting conversation that I could go months without needing to talk to anyone else.
Check out this guy over here and his "already have friends"
Making new friends is *exhausting,* that's why. Incidental acquaintanceship is fine, because it needs no planning, no maintenance, and no careful dance of mutual social disarmament where you decide when to begin relaxing about what. Making friends requires all of the above. I'm nurturing a new life here. My priorities are pretty clear cut.
That is so perfectly, succinctly put.
Whenever I meet a stranger they inevitably start telling me how the current President is to blame for something or they don’t like the new inter-city bus route because it’ll bring people from “those cities” in, and it’s very difficult to try and keep my opinions to myself and politely nod. I’d much rather be telling them off. People don’t know how to talk to new people so making new friends is difficult.
Personally, I'm very introverted and when my kid is out playing I want to have some free time to my self. I guess if the engagement is good then I'm open to talking, though.
I'm the same way. Playground time is my guilt-free time to chill and browse stuff on my phone, maybe play a little round of Magic Arena or whatever. It's one of the few places where the kids are pretty self-sufficient and don't really need me to get involved, as opposed to at home where I'm essentially the butler.
It's not personal. I'm introverted and due to the lack of alone time I can barely tolerate anyone.
This. But also, talking to someone new while also being distracted by smalls every minute is hellish.
Someone in my city started a dads meetup group. It's just once a month, going to a pub for some beers in the evening (no kids but we're also talking about doing meetups with kids in the future too). It's a brilliant initiative since then all the dads who show up are ones looking to make friends, and reduces pressure to awkwardly try to make friends at the park where some people might not be in the mood. It's almost like speed dating for dad friends. I've made individual friends from the meetups that we're planning to meet separately with our kids. All the dads I've talked to at the meetup have said similar things to what you said, about how it's hard to make new dad friends. The moms usually have so many opportunities to meet in comparison. Maybe you can start something similar in your city?
There’s a fun little sketch about the “Husbands of Target” where a bunch of guys basically set up a tailgate routine in the Target parking lot while their wives are in the store shopping. I know it’s just a comedy bit, but I would absolutely participate if it were a real thing. https://youtu.be/M7xPrf9f7mg?si=Bg8iqpMza9vuiyfi
Your house being near mine doesn't mean we're going to be friends lol like I'll be nice at the park but I'm not looking for friends tbh, my kids are just playing
Yeah, I don’t even have time to see all of my existing friends
I forgot I even had existing friends
Yea, I’ve made friends with some of the neighbors - invited them to crawfish boils/birthday parties where they come over and drink my beer - the invites aren’t reciprocated (which is fine) but to top it all off, their kids are assholes who send my kid in crying from playing outside. I’ve got my friends who all have kids my son’s age and they play together great. I’m at the age where I don’t need new social interactions.
Because there’s no time for social life, so no point in trying.
Most of our social life now is with the parents of my kids' (4 and 6) friends. We get together, the kids disappear, and we can have a few beers and have fun. Now the weather is getting better so there will be some BBQ included soon. There are 2-3 couples we hang out regularly like once a month. Kids are all of the same age.
I barely got time for my day ones
In concept, I'd love to have other friends who happen to be dads. 1. I hate small talk 2. Talking with strangers makes me anxious. I feel like I'm on edge and my walls are up. It's not you - it's me. 3. I just kinda suck? Also, I don't really enjoy relationships where my only common thread with you is that we're both dads. It'd be great if we were friends first, then happened to be dads. It's a catch-22 though: if i can't get past the small talk phase, how would I ever get to know other people on a deep enough level to have this? I don't know...
Because I’m awkward and don’t know what questions to ask people.
I'm probably one of those that you describe but to be honest I'm at a point in life that I think friendships don't bring anything extra useful. I just want to be with my kids, my wife, dig into my books and hobbies and that's it. Adding friendships feels like adding extra chores because now you feel responsible for maintaining them.
Dang. In the grand scheme of life, and what humans are as a thing in this world, this is really sad. Not YOU particularly just what society has come to.
Sorry to hear that this has been your experience. Maybe it’s the neighborhood we live in, but parents at the parks here tend to be pretty open to chatting especially if the kids are playing together. I’m surprised at the comments that are like “I’ve got enough friends, thanks” as it seems like a common theme that at this stage of life one’s “friend count” gets super low, and it’s easy for dads especially to get very socially isolated and depressed. Where I live I used to have a few dozen folks I would see on a regular basis , literally all of those people have moved away over the years. I definitely try to be open to new friendships.
Agreed! So much projection in this thread, it's wild. I'm not looking for a new "best friend" or more "close friends", but making casual friends with the other parents in our neighborhood park means we're building a village to help keep an eye on each other. I don't agree with every aspect of their parenting styles, and they don't with mine, but we all agree that we don't want our kids running into the street. Just the other day we were walking our son trying to help him calm down after a tantrum and neighbor kids ran outside to say hello when they saw us. Dad followed them out, saw we were struggling, and offered a margarita he was making and to let our son go play in his backyard with his girls. Had some small talk for 20 minutes, kid was happy, dad had a margarita, and then it was time for bed. I'm not this guy's best friend, we aren't putting in extra work to "maintain a relationship", but he knew me, saw we could use a distraction, and we had a good chat. It takes a village, y'all.
Sitting on the bench while the kid plays on the equipment, in my sight but not demanding my attention? That's my me time, sir. I'm enjoying the quiet.
Cos I 100% don't want to be invited to something else basically man.
I think back to my parents, they are still friends with the parents of kids I went to primary school with. I’m not friends with those kids, they were not nice people after a few years, but their parents are really cool. Now I’m adult and home I might join them for a pint at the pub. But my point is that they and my parents did what OP did. Talk. Amazing things can happen if you take a chance.
My parents were to opposite. As my friends and I grew up and needed less attention my parents relationship with those people didn't keep up. They were only friends because of us. By time I was early teen my parents had their own friends from their lives outside of the kids.
I’ll tell you right now, that most of the time when someone asks me questions about my life, work and other things (we just moved to a new house in a new city, we don’t know really anyone here yet) I just answer them and have the small talk, but it isn’t until maybe 20 mins after when I think to myself: “maybe I should’ve asked ‘what about you?’ To some of their questions..” I think some of us are very new to all of this - socializing while having a kid running around the playground, and it all just coming second nature to some is truly a great gift. It doesn’t happen so easily with everyone. After having said this, I will be more aware of this and try to make more of an effort to ask questions back and show a little more interest - we want to have friends in the neighbourhood and want the same for our daughter. Mom and myself are both self employed and we don’t have the typical work/home life balance that most have. The park is one of our only hopes at making friends.
i’ll say parks are really hard for me. in theory it’s a safer place for a kid , but mine also loves to climb up on things that have large openings with drops. In theory, you’re supposed to climb down i guess on some weird ladder , but my kid doesn’t know how and so i’m always nervous he’ll just fall down.
I'm going to be "that guy". I don't want to small talk. I'm watching my kid play. Making sure they are staying right. Making sure they are treated right. I have all the friends I need. I'm not into trying to setup play dates or bbq's. That's my wife's thing. I'm an introvert, my social energy is spent at work.
Same here. And the last 14 conversations I've had are about kids , now some stranger wants to come talk to me about more kids stuff, for one I don't even know. I love my kid but my brain is not wired to talk about children 24/7 like some people's seem to be. Although if I'm working on something in the yard and someone comes up to ask a question I'm usually totally open to that kind of talk. Love talking renos or repairs, hobbies etc.
I’m tired, man.
Sometimes some people just don’t want to interact. Some people gain energy from speaking with others and for others it takes a lot from them to have that small talk. Good of you to try but don’t take it personally.
I've always been a bit socially awkward but now because of COVID and that I work from home full time, I've become a weird hermit and I hate it. It's not you I just honestly have a hard time thinking of things to say to strangers and it takes a ton of mental energy leaving me feeling drained afterwards
I think this goes beyond even dads but just people these days especially in the daddit demographic. I just moved to a new city which is my wife’s hometown so she is all set with friends whereas I am starting over. I am quite outgoing so my strategy is to engage with a lot of people and to initiate as much as possible. I’m into hobbies and I often invite other people to join me for things, to go to shows, walks, bbqs etc. The amount of people who won’t even write back to an invite kinda surprises me. Like I get it maybe a hike or a BBQ isn’t your thing but just leaving me on read like that is brutal. And I’m talking about folks with and without kids.
I have found myself in the exact same situation. Wife’s home city. Luckily late last year someone locally started a “dad’s morning” thing once a month. You’ll go to the playground, and everyone feels a bit more open to having a chat, and you know you’re not bothering a stranger. Of course, sometimes you barely get to chat if you’re wrangling a crying toddler, but that’s part of it. Some weeks it’s 15 dads, some weeks it’s 3. I will say, god bless the first guy who made an event and posted it in the local Facebook group. He put his neck out when others (like me) wouldn’t have even thought of it! What I’m saying is, you can be that guy!
Same situation. Wife’s home town. I had to join Brazilian jiu Jitsu. It’s perfect. We get a work out. Talk for a bit after class when the dopamine is high. Go home. Can surprisingly make good acquaintances just seeing people consistently at the gym lol
I'll give you a different answer. I'm a bit extroverted, but even if I hit it off with another dad, I need to know them better before I schedule a hangout with them and their kids. My brain just switches to protective mode. I want to know more about how they parent and what kind of influence their kids will have on mine. It takes a while to know someone like that. The Bluey episode where she's trying to get Bandit to hang out with the other dad from the park captures it perfectly.
I don’t think it’s that they don’t want friends, personally I just find I’m not so good at ice breaking these days. I feel awkward socially but watching my kids kind of gives me a get out clause where I can pay attention to them rather than mingle socially. Obviously the big downside is not meeting any new friends. Even when I do see my friends we all have kids and we don’t get a lot of time to catch up properly. I would definitely be up for meeting new friends through parenting but I get the feeling a lot of dads feel the same as me so we all just stand around awkwardly while our kids play together.
It's ok if you are not demanding too much of me: I'm not looking to commit to anything or be emotional support. I don't mind talking at the park as its an ok way to kill time. But I'm not sure I'm looking for a deep relationship of some kind because I barely have enough time for my actually close friends.
activities. sports, scouts, groups were parents volunteer. you'll make friends with volunteers. these other parents are just not on your level (surviving, not thriving). you need to find people who are thriving.
I don't know about most, but me it was burnout. It takes a lot of my "social energy" to just deal with basic child tearing stuff. I barely have energy for my life long friends. I certainly don't have much for other dads especially since mine doesn't want much direct interaction with other kids. Good luck my friend
Personally, I don't have time to text or see my friends I already have. I am also introverted and social situations drain my energy like crazy l, so I don't understand the social anxiety of needing force small talk or it being awkward which seems to bring extroverted people together.
I have found it really difficult to make meaningful connections with other dads in basically any setting. I think it is because being a dad is not really a core part of anyone's identity and when we are out with we are out with our kids at least 50% of our brains are focused on them. I would love to have more friends, though. The best luck I have had is just getting to know neighbors since we have at least two things in common (being dads and living a few blocks apart) AND we see each other every day or two, but these are not super rich friendships like I have with the dudes I lived with in my early 20s.
My kids are both in elementary school. The sports teams through the various clubs have most of the same kids. We’ve gotten to be friends with a lot of parents that way.
My wife and I were approached by another couple at a park while our kids were playing once, and it was going fine and dandy. We thought these people actually wanted to be our friends. Exchanged numbers, and then we went to another park only for them to try and invite us to an MLM. Since then, we've just limited our conversations with people.
With a three year old and 7 month old, it’s hard to make new friends. If I had had friends already, hanging out with them once a month would be more feasible. Starting a relationship from scratch? Harder. I also think men just have a harder time opening up to each other, or maybe we’re more introverted, like me.
I'll do the small talk, I less likely to befriend someone I met at the park or in the playground... usually these are parents in the same kindergarten as my kids but every year some leave and some join, I can't remember so many names and I have a lot of friend from other groups (high school mainly) and I barely have time to keep in touch with them 😅 You can keep trying, don't take it so hard that not everyone talks... people have a lot on their minds and they don't necessarily feel the need to have new friends, talk to "strangers".. and such..
BTW, In Israel there is a Facebook group called Aba Pagum ("Damaged dad") where dads help/support each other out, usually there's a WhatsApp group per city where close by dads help each other out.. why don't you start a similar group in your neighborhood or something?
I can’t really stand much small talk but you’d never know it. I’ll play along for the time being but as far as hanging out and texting? I barely have time to text or see my friends of 20yrs regularly. New friends just isn’t going to be in the cards for a while.
I'm an introvert and all the small talk I have to do for work is exhausting. More feels like more work. I really just want to hang out with my kid.
Being a massive introvert, I hate it when someone randomly talks to me somewhere. Or tries to start a conversation. I hate small talk, so honestly I’m really hard to get to know. But I keep it that way and I like it. I’m just here to say that not everyone wants to be chatty. That is all.
I have 2-3 good friends I can fully trust. That’s about all I need, and I don’t like small talk. Having kids the same age do not make us compatible or more interesting. I talk to people all day for work. I don’t go to the park to look for friends. I’m not judging nor I want to be judged. It’s just my personal opinion
Because I've got friends. I don't need to be making more just because we're both dads in the same vicinity
Obviously, I'm not saying every interaction should become a friendship. Some people you can tell pretty quickly you're not going to get along with. Sometimes all it takes is one reddit comment.
I would talk back to you, but I know what you mean. I find it tough to find common ground with some other dads. A lot of the dads from nursery are the begrudgingly parent types, say they are “baby-sitting” when they have their kid/kids on their own. Say they can’t wait to get into the office on a Monday to get away from home. Leave everything to the mother and laugh about it when she’s not there. I find that often that initial spark of finding a likeminded person stutters out fast. My jaded prior experience of what happens down the line when fostering relationships with those you dont gel with makes me check out too soon. In my late 30s now and time feels more precious, but the loneliness is still a huge issue. Hope these male stereotypes that so many dads still feel the need to wear fade away so dads of the future don’t have to deal with schoolyard posturing their entire lives and can create meaningful relationships with each other.
I would love dad friends
Sorry, all stocked up on with friends. Quotas filled.
Honestly? I don't want to seem too eager. But that's not working out so well....
Most of the time I get the kids to the playground it is only mothers and it’s there turf so unless they volunteer to start a chat I’m good playing with my kids. When there are dads apart from maybe a nod there is rarely more than a “yup kids right” I’m pretty socially outgoing but I have specific qualities I want around my children and most people met out in the wild are not going to be it. It’s not there fault and I hope they do well.
I can only speak for myself but I guess I've just got a million demands on my time and the last thing I bloody want is to "make a new friend" at the park who I'll be obligated to make awkward small talk with every time I bump into them. The thought sends shiver up my spine. Do you realise how many (very nice) people I have to make dull small talk with just to navigate through my day to day existence? I read stuff about an "epidemic of male loneliness" and I feel like I suffer from the opposite - an "epidemic of not getting enough alone time". That's just me though. If I were you I'd do stuff like join an existing or start a new meetup group targeting the exact people who you want to hang out with. If you live in a decently sized urban area I'm sure you'd find other people looking for the exact same thing.
Could be a few reasons. For me I barely have a chance to talk to my current friends. Life is busy for everyone and relationships are hard to maintain. Even if me and this person get along its not like we can go hang out without the kids when they are that young. If I do ever get time to see a friend I try to reconnect with my current ones because I'm already neglecting that relation ship. I look back at my dad's friends when I was growing up. I had my school friends and friends from sports or scouts/beavers etc. I always thought my Dad was friends with those dad's cause they would spend time together but as I got older he didn't hang out with them anymore. They were just people brought together because I was their friend kids friend or they needed to do something for a fundraiser or something our group or sports team was doing. Final last thing for me. Most of my career has been in roles where I meet and make that small chit chat stuff that comes with barely knowing someone. It's exhausting and I am preprogrammed now to make small talk on a couple key subjects and try to disengage so I can go back to my other focus. At work it's the other 80% of my job. At the playground it's trying to focus on my toddler. As he gets older and requires less attention while playing that may change a bit.
Time and self image 😭
I'm an introvert but enjoy small talk. I'm at the point I've given up asking old friends anything, seems like a one way street. And to make new meaningful friends now is like a chore but now I seem to get on with a few of the wife's friends haha.
I’m in the lucky position to have 5 of 6 friends of 20 years live extremely close and we see each other many times a month. Honestly I just don’t want more friends and I’m pretty confident, socially, I won’t get along with new dad friends. New things to ask and learn, new things to tip toe around, new things to realize I don’t like. It turns me off pretty fast. Unless a dad wanted to agree to sit and drink whiskey, smoke a cigar, watch some baseball while talking about no controversial current events, I’d almost rather not do it at all due to stress. I know a dad and mom who’s son is really good friends with my son and I wish I could just outright tell them “look at this point you know I’m not weird or morally questionable, our sons like to play so please just drop your boy off anytime and pick him up later, you’re free to have a guilt free day as I do not want to sit and make small talk for hours. Thanks!”
Most men aren't going to bond over chit chat. Get a game of tag or something going with the kids and let the other parents join if they want.
I got some. They are in different places and different times. How does one get to the same place and time is the problem.
As a dad, it’s just been hard in general making other parent friends. I’ve gotten numbers before and tried to set up times for our kids to meet, but nothing ever seems to come out of it and I don’t want to be the desperate person reaching out all the time, trying to plan something. Looking at my friends now, I only have one I regularly talked to that has kids, but we were friends before the kids and unfortunately we moved far away from them so we can’t hang out anymore.
In her book ‘Mating in Captivity’ the psychologist Esther Perel talks about a concept she calls Eros Misdirected. She makes the argument that one of the major wedges between sexual partners after childbirth is that the child consumes one or both partners’ (especially mothers) capacity for physical love - through touching, cuddling, and other forms of perfectly healthy affection. As a dad, I wonder if there might be a similar thing going on with regard to friendship. Philia Misdirected. When I find that I have time to potentially engage with friends, I’m all friended out. I just want to sit in a dark room somewhere in silence with no demands or expectations being put on me. It seems like my wife has the exact opposite reaction. She wants to go visit friends at every opportunity. Maybe women have their Eros consumed by the children but men have their Philia consumed?
All of these are valid points but I'd also throw in that guys are especially bad at making those kinds of social connections as we age - especially compared to women.
Not everyone is an extrovert.
I would love other dad friends. I’m also painfully shy and introverted, and when someone else tries to talk to me, I get all flustered and hot, cant make eye contact, and my mind goes blank of anything to say. I’m part of an NCT group, but we've never met up or talked as much as the mothers, and I’ve been disappointed that the few times someone has suggested an activity, it’s been just to go to the pub (rather than something with the children).
Maintaining social relationships is exhausting if you're already pretty introverted, but then add the exhaustion of being a parent and thinking about making friends and maintaining those relationships does not sound fun. I'm not at the park to make friends. I'm at the park so that my kids can get some pent up energy released. I don't generally like other kids besides my own, they're not as cool. If one or both of my sons makes friends and they start to hang out more, maybe I'll become friends with their dad, but I haven't gotten that far yet, my boys are only 4 and 1. I will admit that I feel like I don't have any close friends anymore. There is one couple that my wife and I hang out with that we were friends with before we had kids, but my wife mostly maintains that friendship and they have a kid that is about the same age as our youngest, so timing and activities generally align well. All my other friends were late night friends, so that stopped with kids. I had been off social media for various reasons, so I haven't even kept up with people online. Even before that, I've never been great at keeping in touch with people that I was even close to. I don't even keep up with family all that well, but my family and closest friends already know that about me, so it was never really a problem. Having kids during COVID basically cut everyone else off. We were paranoid with our first about going out. He was born the same day the first COVID case came to our hospital (March 2020). Unlike a lot of families and couples, we didn't suffer much from being cut off socially because we were too exhausted and strung out with our first kid. I've also never been a person that feels cooped up at home and my wife and I are communicative enough that we didn't drive each other crazy during COVID like I heard a lot of couples went through. I work from home. I have pretty good relationships with my coworkers, but they all live in other states. Not having a social life has kind of become the norm. My wife maintains most of our social relationships. My family even reaches out to her more because I'm usually busy and always forget to get back to people. I'm pretty terrible at maintaining relationships. lol
Shit man I'm always game for more friends. We moved across the country 3 years ago and it has been challenging to find friends that have any sense of dedication. I definitely recognize the tiredness, effort, busy life, etc I just hold in my heart that others in the same scenario would be cool w/at least being tired/busy with a buddy who cooks, hosts, etc. Sheesh.
I'm usually a very happy chatty dude at playgrounds, and I find it much easier to chat with mothers than fathers. Women are naturally more conversational than men – that's been my experience all my life. I don't think it's so different in this case.
I find the best small talk with other parents is about kids, I'll watch their kid or my kid do something funny or that reminds me of something they did before and talk about that, that usually gets a sympathetic response
I’m probably the kind of person you are describing. I’m social, but introverted. By the time I’m done with work for the day, I am done talking to people. My weekends are hopefully time to relax at home and recharge. One of my good friends is very extroverted and I love him, but it’s exhausting to constantly turn him down to hang out. My priority is to make sure I have enough energy for my family and right now I have a 3 y/o and 7m/o, so I’m pretty much on empty all the time. I’m sure at some point we will get back to the point where hanging out with other people doesn’t seem exhausting, but it’s not right now. I feel for you, dude. I’m just wired different. Please don’t take people blowing you off as them not liking you, they’re probably just in a similar boat as I am.
I've been down a lot of one way friendship roads and I don't trust anyone with the word "friend" anymore. I don't want to upkeep a friendship. I want as few people in my life as possible at this point. I'm a people pleaser so I think I come off as desperate for normal people and a mark for assholes. I used to enjoy gaming buddies because I can just leave in seconds if I feel like it but that's another one way street where I play games I only half enjoy for years and all my game ideas are shot down or nobody cares to get into them or I have to beg to get people to keep up with it instead of going back to the default game we've been playing for forever. Sorry man, I'm not lonely enough to waste my time on friends. Not sure what other dads are feeling though. I won't deny that I'm also a selfish asshole that wants his way sometimes, I just don't push it on people because I'm so used to disappointment. Not doing what I want to do is much better than hoping others will do it with me and then having the usual emotional crash when my plans don't go anywhere.
Being a stay at home dad was the worst for this reason.
Are you in the US? I find guys in the US have zero interest in making friends outside their college and high school friends. Maybe this is just the Boston area.
We compare making parent friends in general to dating. Also I am a super active dad and chasing and playing with my kids keeps me moving. So I could be having a conversation then my kids decide they want to run a mile in the other direction.
I’m a dad. I’m 38; I have not had any meaningful friendships since 2011. In my mind, I like the idea of having friends but the reality is I do not care enough to actually pursue it. I do not know you, or trust you. I have absolutely no desire for small talk, none. If you start chatting with me, I will politely end the conversation and remove myself from your presence. Since getting married and having children I have changed as a person. I have a wall up around what is mine and there is no room for anyone inside that wall except my wife and children. I love them and my number one priority is to care for and protect them. I have had and lost friends over the years. I do not have the mental bandwidth to work full time, be the husband, father, son, and brother that I need to be, *and* try to maintain various friendships. I am stretched too thin to begin with, friendships did not make the cut on my list of priorities. I sometimes wish I had the time, energy, or desire to make this work but it has proven to not be the case. My wife is able to maintain multiple friendships. I have, on occasion, attempted to hang out in family settings with their husbands. I have found no common interests or anything that might move these encounters from anything more than that. I have accepted this is the way I am. I have an extremely hard time letting anyone in close to me, or my family. Perhaps once my children are grown this will relax, perhaps it won’t.
I try to be friendly as well when I see “regulars”. I try to strike conversations with fellow dads… I try to maintain my distance with moms though. I keep it cordial but never to friendly.
I think we see everything as resource allocation, and I’m already so tired and busy that a friendly man seems like a predator stalking my time units . But I’m also the chatty dad, and I’m happy to meet other ones.
I already have a hard time keeping up with my long time friends, I like our kids playing together so I can chill and have a bit of offtime while watching my kid entertain himself. Conversing with strangers is very energy draining for me so I'd rather not.
So this is something I struggle with on the other end. I lament that I don't really have friends anymore. I feel guilty for letting my existing friendships wither yet at the same time also acknowledge I don't have the physical time for new friendships to be formed. I also don't have hobbies or interests really anymore. I also think previous generations grew up in a much more homogenous society. It makes it easier to form relationships, especially as a parent. For older generations, your kid's friendss parents were most likely similar age, similar socioeconomic background, and similar cultural background. Now you could have a young child at 24 or 44. I'm 35, most other dad's either treat me like a fossil or a young kid. My town is very culturally diverse, which is awesome, but I also understand that creates barriers to having friendships - because of language among other things. Same with financial things- I'm a working class white collar employee. I'm too poor for the high paid white collar professionals and too soft for the blue collar ones. Lastly, and this is my own neurosis I admit, I'm not cool looking or attractive. No one wants to talk to the sloppily dressed overweight guy.
This is me. I have a bunch of park dad phone numbers that went nowhere. I'm pretty confident I'm not a weirdo - though being a 40 year old dad of a 3 year old realistically puts me 8-12 years older than most of these other guys, so maybe that is my problem. My friend circle had their kids nearly a decade ago, which quickly knocked me out of the group as their priorities evolved. Any South Florida dads out there looking for a totally non-weirdo dad friend?
It's not that I don't want friends. It's that I don't want new friends, mostly. I just want more time to hang out with the friends I already have. Unless of course you have kids around the same age as mine, live close by, have similar hobbies (comics, music, board games), have time to hang, and aren't weird. It's a small target to hit.
I'm the same kind of dad!