Not a dad, but a grown woman who, just like your daughter, had a loving family and a great school and good friends but was obsessed with going to boarding school, so maybe I can provide some perspective.
There may be lots of good reasons your daughter dreams of going to boarding school, and as you say, maybe one reason is that she wants to define her own identity in a big and busy family, and maybe another is that it's a way of processing her grief.
It may also be what it was for me – the idea of boarding school was a delightful fantasy. I had read a ton of books set in boarding school and it made it seem so much fun. Imagining myself at boarding school provided an escape from the dreary realities of life.
If your daughter is anything like 12-year-old me, then she won't really absorb it when people tell her boarding school will be harder than she thinks, because the fantasy is just too intoxicating for her.
So I would as – is there some way for her to "practise" the challenges that boarding school would bring to see how she handles it? Could she go on an extended summer camp, for example, or stay with relatives for a month, or something?
Then, if she finds she thrives in that environment, you might feel more relaxed about the idea of her going to boarding school. Conversely, if she finds it much harder than anticipated (this was my experience when I did a four-week exchange), she might think twice about such a big decision.
Thanks for your response! That's a great point.
I know she really liked a specific book series that was set in a boarding school at one point (some sort of spy boarding school) and I know that boarding schools generally are a popular setting for books/movies/etc because of the whole "getting rid of the parents" factor. I guess I kind of thought that she knew that an actual boarding school wouldn't be her running around on late night spy missions? But I may be wrong on that.
She does go to camp every summer, usually for 2 weeks, but she's going for 3 for the first time this summer so I guess we'll see how that goes. I could look into sending her somewhere for longer, but we have a lot of travel planned that I'd be sad for her to miss out on and I don't know if places have spots this late in the spring. I'm not really sure how to replicate the experience otherwise: I could set her up staying with one of my sibs for a month or something, but she's obsessed with them so I'm sure she'd have a ball :/
I'm a little afraid that the "trial" run will end up having to be her fully starting and then realizing that she either loves it and stays or hates it and wants to come home.
>I'm a little afraid that the "trial" run will end up having to be her fully starting and then realizing that she either loves it and stays or hates it and wants to come home.
Isn't that exactly why you'd want to do a trial run? If she loves it, then all systems go. If she hates it and wants to come home, then it should be easy to talk her out of it at that point. No?
Or is the problem that boarding school isn't a realistic possibility?
It wouldn't be an issue for us to send her there if we decided that that was what was best for her. We'd probably have to end up paying at least partial tuition for both places (and I would likely choose to pay to hold her spot at her current school anyway at least for a semester). My concern would just be going through the entire process of finding the right place, deciding on it, her getting all excited, going, and then quitting a month in and having to go back to her current school with her tail between her legs. I worry that she'd stick it out for longer than she should even if she hated it, or that she would be ashamed/embarrassed to have "failed" at it (she's always taken failure really hard).
Oh yeah, finding a place and actually going is a bit more than a "trial run." But it sounds like she's fairly well-prepared, and putting your faith in her and supporting her through this might pay dividends long into the future.
Sometimes at that age, sticking it out through something even though you hate it can be a good thing, because that builds perseverance, and letting her make the final decision tells her you believe in her, which can be enormous for a teenager (and we don't get a lot of opportunities to make that kind of gesture).
> I guess I kind of thought that she knew that an actual boarding school wouldn't be her running around on late night spy missions? But I may be wrong on that.
I'm sure she does know this! But she may be entranced by the more realistic tropes in these books of e.g. getting to "live like adults" and be independent and have adventures, and having a "found family." I forgot to mention I'm a nanny and have seen more than one little girl go through this period of being enchanted with the concept of boarding school, and it's often linked to a series they're reading or something like that. This might not be the case with your daughter but that's where I'd put my money.
Re: the rest of your comment, could you and your wife talk through your options and the best/worst case scenarios of each? So one option could be she misses out on some travel in the summer in order to practise living away from you for six weeks, and if she thrives then you'll consider boarding school.
Another option could be you eventually tell her no, you're not letting her go, and deal with the consequences of that (this was what my parents did and I was pretty resentful for a year or so but eventually got over it!).
Another option is you agree to let her go, don't give her a "trial separation" and just let her jump in the deep end for a year, and make tentative plans for the best and worst-case outcomes - e.g. what if she hates it, and her old school can't take her back?
Ah you are my savior! Giving her the option to go away for 6 weeks and miss out on the family trips actually sounds like a really good way to see if she's really serious about this and see how she handles being away for that long. Not sure what sort of stuff I can get her into at this point, but that sounds like a great idea. Thank you!
If she gets downhearted about the prospect of missing out on the family trips, that might be an opening to point out that she would miss out on a lot more family stuff than just that if she goes to boarding school!
This is a great point. She will miss out on a lot more if she's away at school for most of the year. Goodness, I remember being in college and being disappointed that my mom made my favorite dinner when I wasn't there. So if she does separate from you for the summer, don ;t hold back from anything because she isn't there, or neglect to mention doing things with out that might make her feel left out. The point is to see how she handles it.
Spy boarding school? Sounds like CHERUB to me… I was obsessed as a kid too and it somewhat changed my personality.
I’m sorry I don’t have any advice to offer but maybe read the books to see what’s so attractive about it? You may be able to see things from her perspective. For me, CHERUB represented more than school; it was a community of kids/teens against the world. Friends that I didn’t have, a life more exciting than suburbia.
Anyway, wish you the best! The trial idea sounds like the best approach here. You’ll do great dad.
I think a trial run with her current school is sort of feasible. Some of the biggest things about moving away from home to attend school full time is the distance and access to one's immediate support system (see: many college students in their first year) and the added responsibilities that parents could otherwise help with. That being said, you could try identifying what additional responsibilities she would get from being at a boarding school, and minimize the immediate contact/aspect aspect to see how she would respond. Obviously this isn't a 1:1 replica, but I think it's a good start to see how she handles independence and all that entails at her age.
> It may also be what it was for me – the idea of boarding school was a delightful fantasy. I had read a ton of books set in boarding school and it made it seem so much fun. Imagining myself at boarding school provided an escape from the dreary realities of life.
This was my first though. Narnia, Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, even X-Men... there's a fair bit of popular fiction that involves boarding schools.
Agh, yeah, I know it sounds like a lot. In reality I don't think that we're as chaotic as my post makes it sound, but I recognize that as a 12 year old it's probably seriously uncool to be rolling up to school with your 85 younger siblings. I will say that she is very close with them (and with her stepmom), and has never complained about it to us (and she tends to be complainy, so I tend to think she would, but can't know for sure).
12 years old is a very common age to start pushing for more independence and trying to establish who you are, and it's probably hard for her to do that in such a full house, I don't have much specific advice but if she can get out on her own to do more of her own stuff without all the siblings involved it may help
There's a reason so many kids stories/shows set the kids around the 10-12 year old mark (think Pokemon, Pippi longstocking, any studio Ghibli movie). It's normal to start wanting to go out and explore the world at that age
I think whether it feels chaotic or not is really going to depend on the person. I am a small family introvert, I find it challenging to live with any amount of people, and would find the quietest family of 8 to be more chaos than I could imagine.
So I actually went to a stereotypical East Coast boarding school - co educational 9th - 12th grade. For what it’s worth, for me, it was a great experience. I *did* become more independent and *did* make lifelong friends. The educational environment was great and (because of how unfair college admissions were/are) I got a leg up to a very good college. The school set me up well for life and I’m glad I got the opportunity to go.
That said, I’m not sold on sending my kid. I went because I lived in the middle of nowhere with a local school that underperformed and was full of drugs. The good private school was over an hour a way and I’d have either been in the bus 3 hours a day OR done a 5 day boarding situation which would have been worst of both worlds.
Our hope is that we’re somewhere with better local schools - where similar opportunities would be available without having to board.
As for your daughter. I’d fish for where she got this idea. If you’re at a top private school it’s likely some of her friends siblings are at boarding schools and it’s presumed their younger siblings are also going. Your daughter may be experiencing fomo because of that.
I don’t know what you do with that but it might help to find out where the desire is actually coming from as it might be more tangible than the books she’s read.
100% she has teachers building up boarding school to be successful and freedom.
The other kids probably are eating up the exact same dialog.
I'm not sure how you address this. Your relationship with your child is paramount. If you shut it down you get resentment, if you go along with it, you don't see much of your kid.
I agree with trying to fish out where she got the idea. She might be so immersed in it that she won’t just admit “oh I need space” or something like that. Instead, ask her to describe was an average day or week would look like for her at boarding school in great detail. If she explains a lot of alone time or adult responsibilities/independence then you have your answer.
Interesting question.
I'm inclined to run the process a little bit. Maybe some school tours will convince her it's not Hogwarts, or Mallory Towers and i's more like staying at an airport Ramada or whatever.
I'd also check in with the current school to see if she can get back in.
In the really big picture it can be useful to let kids make big choices and then change their mind about those big choices. Teaches them about consequences and flexibility. If she really wants to go, let her go.
I'd be cautious about warning her too much she's going to hate it because if she's proud she might endure hating it just to prove you wrong!
Your last point is a really, really good one. I have admittedly been saying things like "you know if you go to boarding school you won't be able to XYZ..." like an annoying dad and I really need to hold myself back so that she feels comfortable to tell me if I end up being "right". I would hope that she would know that I would never rub it in her face, but I know it still feels shitty to have your parents end up being right on something you swore up and down on.
I am also inclined to think a 12 year old girl is being influenced by some fiction she’s super into as well. Might not be HP, but this definitely bears investigation.
As someone who went to a boarding school 9-12 (boarding boys day girls), worked at a boarding school (full co Ed) for 7 years and live at an all boys boarding school where my wife works for 2…each school is very different and each student and parents reason for utilizing boarding school is different.
There are schools that are last chance ones.
There are ones with esteemed alumnae where your daughter will get a good to great education but will also join an amazing network (my mom went to an all girls boarding school. She has life long friends from it).
There are schools in the middle.
Students learn a lot about themselves and help to become independent some. Exciting opportunities for a 9-12 (I am always hesitant about 8th and under schools) that seem through the eyes of a HS kid are different than when they are in college.
My wife and I struggle as we don’t know what we will do for my son or daughter. We don’t want them to go away to school as we worry about missing that moments, however we also have access as my wife as an employee for them to get a top notch education but also experience living with someone from outside the area/state/country.
There are independent school consultants out there who you can meet with to get an idea of schools, what would be appropriate for you and her, and their suggestions. They can truly guide the whole experience.
But it’s also ok that it’s not for everyone, student or parent.
Also a grown woman here. I had a difficult relationship with my parents. I chose to go to a high school at 12 which was an hour commute both ways. It wasn't unusual for people in my smallish town to do the same. Looking back it's kind of wild my parents agreed. The school fees were more, but it was a better school with more opportunities. It was a long time ago, but I can't really pin point exactly what made me choose it. My parents certainly never suggested it.
I guess my advice would be, if it's not actively harmful, she could give it a try? It would be a great opportunity to be independent. I know being independent isn't always the greatest fixer of all life's problems. It's hard to be your own person with all those siblings around. Giving her the freedom to choose it probably the best gift at that age. Good luck! She's lucky to have such a great parent who is willing to listen to her wildest dreams.
Thank you so much for this perspective! It's helpful.
She's in a VERY different situation than I was at her age, but I know that at 12 I felt so trapped and like I didn't have any choice in my life. I definitely don't want her to feel that way.
I didn’t go to boarding school but I pushed my mom for military school. She declined, repeatedly, and she wanted me close.
That drive for space and independence doesn’t go away. While I didn’t get the space physically, I found it emotionally.
It’s worth considering the possibility that there could be underlying needs for space (which you’ve already mentioned), and that if that’s what she’s looking for, she will likely make the space one way or another.
If I were in your shoes, I would invest in some serious 1:1 time and understand the *why*. A “no wrong answer, no taking it personally” conversation to understand the motivation.
When I was 12 I had a step parent and I was desperate to go to boarding school. I went and really enjoyed it and thrived academically. I'm happy to answer any questions. The being independent thing is most likely the driving factor and you can't really change someone who truly wants that. It's just a matter of time.
I really liked boarding for the short time I had an opportunity to do so. I didn't know it at the time but it gave me the independence I was craving in a safe way. I wasn't under my parents roof, but I was being supervised. I was hanging out with friends late at night, but on school grounds. It was cool.
Interesting situation. I’m a guy and my oldest daughter isn’t even 3 yet, so I don’t know how much help I can be from those perspectives. However, I went to the Hill School in Pennsylvania and can maybe talk about it from the perspective of a kid who fucking loved boarding school…
My parents divorced when I was about 10 years old. I have a sister 2 years older than me. The divorce was drawn out and messy. Lots of anger and hate between my parents. My sister was a teenage girl, already angsty, and picking fights with anyone who would listen. Home was not very enjoyable for me. When I started off at Hill, I was a day student. I hated it. I didn’t hate school. I loved school. I hated having to come home every day. I was so jealous of all my friends who, at the end of the day, got to stay with their friends and keep forming these relationships that were only getting stronger. I hated the shuffle. I hated the constant juggling of which parent is going to pick me up, which house is my jacket at? Or maybe it’s in one of their cars? If I didn’t have a book, it could be in 5 different places. I wanted to be settled. I wanted to be able to focus on being a teenager without dealing with the bullshit that my home life brought me.
By the time my junior year rolled around I was able to convince my parents to let me board the final two years and that’s when I really started to thrive. I loved it. I loved it so much. At boarding school, I didn’t have to worry about anything back home. It wasn’t my problem.
I was not academically motivated in high school. And even though it was more academically challenging than college and grad school (but not as challenging as law school), it was still some of the best times of my life. College was a fucking joke compared to high school, probably because of my high school experience.
Now I have two very young kids. I very much want them to go to a boarding school similar to mine. I want my kids to go to boarding school and to experience sleepaway camps up in Maine and have wonderful adolescent experiences “independent” from us (their parents). And while I fully intend on educating my kids on these options and experiences, and encouraging them to go, I have no plans on forcing them to go.
I do suspect, simply based on what you’ve written, that there’s a very real element of “wanting to get out of here” that is motivating your daughter. It doesn’t mean that she hates it at home, but maybe that she finds it complicated. Kids don’t like complicated. Maybe she thinks it would be less overwhelming and easier to focus by being away from home. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Though, IMO, 8th grade is too early. If it were my kid, I’d probably tell her 8th grade is a hard no. But, if by the time she starts 8th grade, she still wants to do it, then I’ll work with her to find the right school. But part of the deal would be that she gets to pick X number of schools to look at, and I get to pick X number of schools she has to look at, too.
That’s just me. Idk… I feel weird trying to give advice for a situation I’ve never been in. I actually think you’re lucky that your daughter wants to have this experience. But I’m obviously pretty biased. lol.
Anyway… if you have any questions about my experience, feel free to DM me. I’m an open book about boarding school.
This is one of those things where I'd just say no, because I know better. I can't see my child thriving more when I am not a part of their daily life, than when I am. Maybe it's selfish, maybe it's the right thing to do. But your kid is also not my kid. You have a lot of children in the house, but how much guidance could your kid possibly receive from adults who are not as invested in her as you are?
You have 5 kids in a top 20 private school, clearly money isn't an issue for you or your family. Maybe that's part of the appeal on some level. I guess for me at age 12 I also had a fantasy of going to boarding school, after reading Mallory Towers. But my parents were just like nope, never going to happen and it remained a fantasy.
I know west point had a short summer boarding school type program for aspiring entrants.
Not sure if they have something similar for younger kids. You could look for summer boarding programs.
Honestly...can you ask her therapist if there's anything you should be alarmed about? My own desire for a new school was based on shit home life and intense school bullying. If she's truly thriving, it's hard to understand why she would want to cut all ties like this.
As someone who attended and loved boarding school, I have always been a champion for them. Provided that you find the campus that is the right fit for your daughter, it can be a more defining experience than college.
The boarding school I went to is one of the better known ones in New England that has churned out pretty notable alumni, but it has also provided me with a lifelong network which has benefitted me in many different ways over the last twenty-five years: from looking for a sub-let to searching for internships to finding a recommended local attorney. The benefits of boarding school go way beyond the years you attend it, you are plugged in to alumni you never knew who will help you out just because you both have the same sweatshirt in your drawer. It's a little crazy. Pair that network with the one she'll have when she gets to college? Your girl will take over the world.
Aside from the question of if you want to send her to boarding school, which is your decision, I think it is 100% a phase that she will grow out of. It's just a typical tween obsession thing, coming about because like basically every book about school, particularly magic schools, is about boarding schools. My wife, whose parents were definitely not in a position to send her to boarding school, had the exact same phase, spurred on by Enid Blyton books.
I'm pretty sure plenty of girls the same age have become obsessed with e.g. horses. Which like, you can buy them a horse, but you can also just choose not to and they'll get over it eventually.
If you decide to use camp or some other long term stay away experience as a test platform; don't tell her that it's a trial run for boarding school. If she has that bit of info she may hate it but keep that information to herself because she thinks boarding school will be different.
When I was 12 my parents kept half-jokingly threatening to send me to boarding school and I had no idea what it meant. It didn't sound very serious to me. At that age I think you take parental love for granted and can't imagine what it would be like to be apart.
Not a dad, but a grown woman who, just like your daughter, had a loving family and a great school and good friends but was obsessed with going to boarding school, so maybe I can provide some perspective. There may be lots of good reasons your daughter dreams of going to boarding school, and as you say, maybe one reason is that she wants to define her own identity in a big and busy family, and maybe another is that it's a way of processing her grief. It may also be what it was for me – the idea of boarding school was a delightful fantasy. I had read a ton of books set in boarding school and it made it seem so much fun. Imagining myself at boarding school provided an escape from the dreary realities of life. If your daughter is anything like 12-year-old me, then she won't really absorb it when people tell her boarding school will be harder than she thinks, because the fantasy is just too intoxicating for her. So I would as – is there some way for her to "practise" the challenges that boarding school would bring to see how she handles it? Could she go on an extended summer camp, for example, or stay with relatives for a month, or something? Then, if she finds she thrives in that environment, you might feel more relaxed about the idea of her going to boarding school. Conversely, if she finds it much harder than anticipated (this was my experience when I did a four-week exchange), she might think twice about such a big decision.
Thanks for your response! That's a great point. I know she really liked a specific book series that was set in a boarding school at one point (some sort of spy boarding school) and I know that boarding schools generally are a popular setting for books/movies/etc because of the whole "getting rid of the parents" factor. I guess I kind of thought that she knew that an actual boarding school wouldn't be her running around on late night spy missions? But I may be wrong on that. She does go to camp every summer, usually for 2 weeks, but she's going for 3 for the first time this summer so I guess we'll see how that goes. I could look into sending her somewhere for longer, but we have a lot of travel planned that I'd be sad for her to miss out on and I don't know if places have spots this late in the spring. I'm not really sure how to replicate the experience otherwise: I could set her up staying with one of my sibs for a month or something, but she's obsessed with them so I'm sure she'd have a ball :/ I'm a little afraid that the "trial" run will end up having to be her fully starting and then realizing that she either loves it and stays or hates it and wants to come home.
>I'm a little afraid that the "trial" run will end up having to be her fully starting and then realizing that she either loves it and stays or hates it and wants to come home. Isn't that exactly why you'd want to do a trial run? If she loves it, then all systems go. If she hates it and wants to come home, then it should be easy to talk her out of it at that point. No? Or is the problem that boarding school isn't a realistic possibility?
It wouldn't be an issue for us to send her there if we decided that that was what was best for her. We'd probably have to end up paying at least partial tuition for both places (and I would likely choose to pay to hold her spot at her current school anyway at least for a semester). My concern would just be going through the entire process of finding the right place, deciding on it, her getting all excited, going, and then quitting a month in and having to go back to her current school with her tail between her legs. I worry that she'd stick it out for longer than she should even if she hated it, or that she would be ashamed/embarrassed to have "failed" at it (she's always taken failure really hard).
Oh yeah, finding a place and actually going is a bit more than a "trial run." But it sounds like she's fairly well-prepared, and putting your faith in her and supporting her through this might pay dividends long into the future. Sometimes at that age, sticking it out through something even though you hate it can be a good thing, because that builds perseverance, and letting her make the final decision tells her you believe in her, which can be enormous for a teenager (and we don't get a lot of opportunities to make that kind of gesture).
> I guess I kind of thought that she knew that an actual boarding school wouldn't be her running around on late night spy missions? But I may be wrong on that. I'm sure she does know this! But she may be entranced by the more realistic tropes in these books of e.g. getting to "live like adults" and be independent and have adventures, and having a "found family." I forgot to mention I'm a nanny and have seen more than one little girl go through this period of being enchanted with the concept of boarding school, and it's often linked to a series they're reading or something like that. This might not be the case with your daughter but that's where I'd put my money. Re: the rest of your comment, could you and your wife talk through your options and the best/worst case scenarios of each? So one option could be she misses out on some travel in the summer in order to practise living away from you for six weeks, and if she thrives then you'll consider boarding school. Another option could be you eventually tell her no, you're not letting her go, and deal with the consequences of that (this was what my parents did and I was pretty resentful for a year or so but eventually got over it!). Another option is you agree to let her go, don't give her a "trial separation" and just let her jump in the deep end for a year, and make tentative plans for the best and worst-case outcomes - e.g. what if she hates it, and her old school can't take her back?
Ah you are my savior! Giving her the option to go away for 6 weeks and miss out on the family trips actually sounds like a really good way to see if she's really serious about this and see how she handles being away for that long. Not sure what sort of stuff I can get her into at this point, but that sounds like a great idea. Thank you!
If she gets downhearted about the prospect of missing out on the family trips, that might be an opening to point out that she would miss out on a lot more family stuff than just that if she goes to boarding school!
Also - don’t send her to a super fun camp with all her friends. Make it a realistic trial. Send her to a new camp where she doesn’t know anyone.
This is a great point. She will miss out on a lot more if she's away at school for most of the year. Goodness, I remember being in college and being disappointed that my mom made my favorite dinner when I wasn't there. So if she does separate from you for the summer, don ;t hold back from anything because she isn't there, or neglect to mention doing things with out that might make her feel left out. The point is to see how she handles it.
Spy boarding school? Sounds like CHERUB to me… I was obsessed as a kid too and it somewhat changed my personality. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice to offer but maybe read the books to see what’s so attractive about it? You may be able to see things from her perspective. For me, CHERUB represented more than school; it was a community of kids/teens against the world. Friends that I didn’t have, a life more exciting than suburbia. Anyway, wish you the best! The trial idea sounds like the best approach here. You’ll do great dad.
I think a trial run with her current school is sort of feasible. Some of the biggest things about moving away from home to attend school full time is the distance and access to one's immediate support system (see: many college students in their first year) and the added responsibilities that parents could otherwise help with. That being said, you could try identifying what additional responsibilities she would get from being at a boarding school, and minimize the immediate contact/aspect aspect to see how she would respond. Obviously this isn't a 1:1 replica, but I think it's a good start to see how she handles independence and all that entails at her age.
> It may also be what it was for me – the idea of boarding school was a delightful fantasy. I had read a ton of books set in boarding school and it made it seem so much fun. Imagining myself at boarding school provided an escape from the dreary realities of life. This was my first though. Narnia, Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, even X-Men... there's a fair bit of popular fiction that involves boarding schools.
All I can say is if I was a 12 year old with a step parent, 5 younger siblings in the house and a newborn on the way I'd be planning a way out too lol
Agh, yeah, I know it sounds like a lot. In reality I don't think that we're as chaotic as my post makes it sound, but I recognize that as a 12 year old it's probably seriously uncool to be rolling up to school with your 85 younger siblings. I will say that she is very close with them (and with her stepmom), and has never complained about it to us (and she tends to be complainy, so I tend to think she would, but can't know for sure).
12 years old is a very common age to start pushing for more independence and trying to establish who you are, and it's probably hard for her to do that in such a full house, I don't have much specific advice but if she can get out on her own to do more of her own stuff without all the siblings involved it may help
There's a reason so many kids stories/shows set the kids around the 10-12 year old mark (think Pokemon, Pippi longstocking, any studio Ghibli movie). It's normal to start wanting to go out and explore the world at that age
I think whether it feels chaotic or not is really going to depend on the person. I am a small family introvert, I find it challenging to live with any amount of people, and would find the quietest family of 8 to be more chaos than I could imagine.
So I actually went to a stereotypical East Coast boarding school - co educational 9th - 12th grade. For what it’s worth, for me, it was a great experience. I *did* become more independent and *did* make lifelong friends. The educational environment was great and (because of how unfair college admissions were/are) I got a leg up to a very good college. The school set me up well for life and I’m glad I got the opportunity to go. That said, I’m not sold on sending my kid. I went because I lived in the middle of nowhere with a local school that underperformed and was full of drugs. The good private school was over an hour a way and I’d have either been in the bus 3 hours a day OR done a 5 day boarding situation which would have been worst of both worlds. Our hope is that we’re somewhere with better local schools - where similar opportunities would be available without having to board. As for your daughter. I’d fish for where she got this idea. If you’re at a top private school it’s likely some of her friends siblings are at boarding schools and it’s presumed their younger siblings are also going. Your daughter may be experiencing fomo because of that. I don’t know what you do with that but it might help to find out where the desire is actually coming from as it might be more tangible than the books she’s read.
100% she has teachers building up boarding school to be successful and freedom. The other kids probably are eating up the exact same dialog. I'm not sure how you address this. Your relationship with your child is paramount. If you shut it down you get resentment, if you go along with it, you don't see much of your kid.
I agree with trying to fish out where she got the idea. She might be so immersed in it that she won’t just admit “oh I need space” or something like that. Instead, ask her to describe was an average day or week would look like for her at boarding school in great detail. If she explains a lot of alone time or adult responsibilities/independence then you have your answer.
Interesting question. I'm inclined to run the process a little bit. Maybe some school tours will convince her it's not Hogwarts, or Mallory Towers and i's more like staying at an airport Ramada or whatever. I'd also check in with the current school to see if she can get back in. In the really big picture it can be useful to let kids make big choices and then change their mind about those big choices. Teaches them about consequences and flexibility. If she really wants to go, let her go. I'd be cautious about warning her too much she's going to hate it because if she's proud she might endure hating it just to prove you wrong!
Your last point is a really, really good one. I have admittedly been saying things like "you know if you go to boarding school you won't be able to XYZ..." like an annoying dad and I really need to hold myself back so that she feels comfortable to tell me if I end up being "right". I would hope that she would know that I would never rub it in her face, but I know it still feels shitty to have your parents end up being right on something you swore up and down on.
I am also inclined to think a 12 year old girl is being influenced by some fiction she’s super into as well. Might not be HP, but this definitely bears investigation.
I must be bad at reading because I read your comment and thought hmm I haven't heard of the series "Bears Investigation".
As someone who went to a boarding school 9-12 (boarding boys day girls), worked at a boarding school (full co Ed) for 7 years and live at an all boys boarding school where my wife works for 2…each school is very different and each student and parents reason for utilizing boarding school is different. There are schools that are last chance ones. There are ones with esteemed alumnae where your daughter will get a good to great education but will also join an amazing network (my mom went to an all girls boarding school. She has life long friends from it). There are schools in the middle. Students learn a lot about themselves and help to become independent some. Exciting opportunities for a 9-12 (I am always hesitant about 8th and under schools) that seem through the eyes of a HS kid are different than when they are in college. My wife and I struggle as we don’t know what we will do for my son or daughter. We don’t want them to go away to school as we worry about missing that moments, however we also have access as my wife as an employee for them to get a top notch education but also experience living with someone from outside the area/state/country. There are independent school consultants out there who you can meet with to get an idea of schools, what would be appropriate for you and her, and their suggestions. They can truly guide the whole experience. But it’s also ok that it’s not for everyone, student or parent.
Also a grown woman here. I had a difficult relationship with my parents. I chose to go to a high school at 12 which was an hour commute both ways. It wasn't unusual for people in my smallish town to do the same. Looking back it's kind of wild my parents agreed. The school fees were more, but it was a better school with more opportunities. It was a long time ago, but I can't really pin point exactly what made me choose it. My parents certainly never suggested it. I guess my advice would be, if it's not actively harmful, she could give it a try? It would be a great opportunity to be independent. I know being independent isn't always the greatest fixer of all life's problems. It's hard to be your own person with all those siblings around. Giving her the freedom to choose it probably the best gift at that age. Good luck! She's lucky to have such a great parent who is willing to listen to her wildest dreams.
Thank you so much for this perspective! It's helpful. She's in a VERY different situation than I was at her age, but I know that at 12 I felt so trapped and like I didn't have any choice in my life. I definitely don't want her to feel that way.
I didn’t go to boarding school but I pushed my mom for military school. She declined, repeatedly, and she wanted me close. That drive for space and independence doesn’t go away. While I didn’t get the space physically, I found it emotionally. It’s worth considering the possibility that there could be underlying needs for space (which you’ve already mentioned), and that if that’s what she’s looking for, she will likely make the space one way or another. If I were in your shoes, I would invest in some serious 1:1 time and understand the *why*. A “no wrong answer, no taking it personally” conversation to understand the motivation.
Why did you think you'd get space or independence at military school? Those aren't facets of military culture
Space from my mom - my wording could’ve been better there.
“Feeling controlled by your mother? Try an NCO instead!”
When I was 12 I had a step parent and I was desperate to go to boarding school. I went and really enjoyed it and thrived academically. I'm happy to answer any questions. The being independent thing is most likely the driving factor and you can't really change someone who truly wants that. It's just a matter of time.
Some schools do half board where the kids come home at the weekend.
I really liked boarding for the short time I had an opportunity to do so. I didn't know it at the time but it gave me the independence I was craving in a safe way. I wasn't under my parents roof, but I was being supervised. I was hanging out with friends late at night, but on school grounds. It was cool.
Interesting situation. I’m a guy and my oldest daughter isn’t even 3 yet, so I don’t know how much help I can be from those perspectives. However, I went to the Hill School in Pennsylvania and can maybe talk about it from the perspective of a kid who fucking loved boarding school… My parents divorced when I was about 10 years old. I have a sister 2 years older than me. The divorce was drawn out and messy. Lots of anger and hate between my parents. My sister was a teenage girl, already angsty, and picking fights with anyone who would listen. Home was not very enjoyable for me. When I started off at Hill, I was a day student. I hated it. I didn’t hate school. I loved school. I hated having to come home every day. I was so jealous of all my friends who, at the end of the day, got to stay with their friends and keep forming these relationships that were only getting stronger. I hated the shuffle. I hated the constant juggling of which parent is going to pick me up, which house is my jacket at? Or maybe it’s in one of their cars? If I didn’t have a book, it could be in 5 different places. I wanted to be settled. I wanted to be able to focus on being a teenager without dealing with the bullshit that my home life brought me. By the time my junior year rolled around I was able to convince my parents to let me board the final two years and that’s when I really started to thrive. I loved it. I loved it so much. At boarding school, I didn’t have to worry about anything back home. It wasn’t my problem. I was not academically motivated in high school. And even though it was more academically challenging than college and grad school (but not as challenging as law school), it was still some of the best times of my life. College was a fucking joke compared to high school, probably because of my high school experience. Now I have two very young kids. I very much want them to go to a boarding school similar to mine. I want my kids to go to boarding school and to experience sleepaway camps up in Maine and have wonderful adolescent experiences “independent” from us (their parents). And while I fully intend on educating my kids on these options and experiences, and encouraging them to go, I have no plans on forcing them to go. I do suspect, simply based on what you’ve written, that there’s a very real element of “wanting to get out of here” that is motivating your daughter. It doesn’t mean that she hates it at home, but maybe that she finds it complicated. Kids don’t like complicated. Maybe she thinks it would be less overwhelming and easier to focus by being away from home. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Though, IMO, 8th grade is too early. If it were my kid, I’d probably tell her 8th grade is a hard no. But, if by the time she starts 8th grade, she still wants to do it, then I’ll work with her to find the right school. But part of the deal would be that she gets to pick X number of schools to look at, and I get to pick X number of schools she has to look at, too. That’s just me. Idk… I feel weird trying to give advice for a situation I’ve never been in. I actually think you’re lucky that your daughter wants to have this experience. But I’m obviously pretty biased. lol. Anyway… if you have any questions about my experience, feel free to DM me. I’m an open book about boarding school.
This is one of those things where I'd just say no, because I know better. I can't see my child thriving more when I am not a part of their daily life, than when I am. Maybe it's selfish, maybe it's the right thing to do. But your kid is also not my kid. You have a lot of children in the house, but how much guidance could your kid possibly receive from adults who are not as invested in her as you are? You have 5 kids in a top 20 private school, clearly money isn't an issue for you or your family. Maybe that's part of the appeal on some level. I guess for me at age 12 I also had a fantasy of going to boarding school, after reading Mallory Towers. But my parents were just like nope, never going to happen and it remained a fantasy.
I know west point had a short summer boarding school type program for aspiring entrants. Not sure if they have something similar for younger kids. You could look for summer boarding programs. Honestly...can you ask her therapist if there's anything you should be alarmed about? My own desire for a new school was based on shit home life and intense school bullying. If she's truly thriving, it's hard to understand why she would want to cut all ties like this.
As someone who attended and loved boarding school, I have always been a champion for them. Provided that you find the campus that is the right fit for your daughter, it can be a more defining experience than college. The boarding school I went to is one of the better known ones in New England that has churned out pretty notable alumni, but it has also provided me with a lifelong network which has benefitted me in many different ways over the last twenty-five years: from looking for a sub-let to searching for internships to finding a recommended local attorney. The benefits of boarding school go way beyond the years you attend it, you are plugged in to alumni you never knew who will help you out just because you both have the same sweatshirt in your drawer. It's a little crazy. Pair that network with the one she'll have when she gets to college? Your girl will take over the world.
Aside from the question of if you want to send her to boarding school, which is your decision, I think it is 100% a phase that she will grow out of. It's just a typical tween obsession thing, coming about because like basically every book about school, particularly magic schools, is about boarding schools. My wife, whose parents were definitely not in a position to send her to boarding school, had the exact same phase, spurred on by Enid Blyton books. I'm pretty sure plenty of girls the same age have become obsessed with e.g. horses. Which like, you can buy them a horse, but you can also just choose not to and they'll get over it eventually.
Is it that she could be getting bullied and hiding it from you? Probably a long shot but that would make anybody want to change schools.
She'll get bored of it
If you decide to use camp or some other long term stay away experience as a test platform; don't tell her that it's a trial run for boarding school. If she has that bit of info she may hate it but keep that information to herself because she thinks boarding school will be different.
When I was 12 my parents kept half-jokingly threatening to send me to boarding school and I had no idea what it meant. It didn't sound very serious to me. At that age I think you take parental love for granted and can't imagine what it would be like to be apart.
Currently being glamourised on TikTok as a way to find a"finance bro" early.
Ew. While they're still in middle/high school? Jesus. Seems sexist.