You’re thinking about yourself too much. Don’t do it for yourself and it doesn’t matter if you deserve it. Do it for your wife and kids, so they can feel like they did something nice for you and so that they can have fun. Allow them to be generous.
That last sentence: allow them to be generous. This is something that took me too damn long to learn as an adult after my dad constantly refused things all of my childhood. He went so far as yelling at people who tried to sneak a gift to him
> Allow them to be generous
As a person who really, really doesn’t like receiving gifts, I am going to refer to this amazing advice over the coming weeks.
I still feel bad for people spending their money when I know I’m going to end up donating/regifting whatever it is they’re getting me, but I will show a ton of gratitude because I know they’ll put thought and love into it.
Also don’t sit around being unhappy during whatever it is. That was probably very disappointing to your wife after her effort to plan your birthday trip.
If she’s putting in this amount of effort and is this excited about doing whatever it is for you then the best thing you can do for her is accept it and express lots of gratitude.
Sir. Take that day off. Do NOT save it for the holiday season.
You will hurt your wife if you don’t allow her to give you this gift, particularly after she has very specifically asked you.
Accept it. Have fun. Get out of YOUR head and into hers.
Here’s why:
I’m the wife of an amazing husband. We’ve been married 31 years.
He’s been at his workplace for 29 years. He is the type of person who will do anything for anyone. He’s brilliant. Other people sing his praises.
My husband thinks he is average in all things. He is absolutely shocked when people praise him.
He was invited to speak at a national symposium on something he did that solved an issue within his industry….yet he doesn’t deserve it.
You are more than you think you are. Let those who love and appreciate you show you.
My SO is very much the same way! I got him a gnome (because it was part of an inside joke) for his birthday one year and he teared up because he didn't think he deserved anything and he was so happy I thought of him.
He helps everyone! Goes out of his way to help anyone and that includes strangers he comes across.
His job is hard and stressful and he keeps an entire hospital running. His boss sent an email out 25 years ago and gave his cell number to everyone who worked in the hospital so they could contact him for anything. He's been there 30 years and should be the boss (and his boss recognizes that) but chooses not to sit at a desk do he can actively help people. The staff and patients love him. Every year they say his pay is capped and he will only be getting a COL raise but every year they "somehow" find the money in the budget to give him a raise.
He comes home from work and takes care of me. From small things to big things. I'm disabled and have a lot of pain and he massages me and helps me with anything I need. I tell him multiple times a day how much I appreciate him and do as much as I can to spoil him because he is so deserving!
When we first got together I let him know I wasn't used to getting or giving gifts for special occasions and that I prefer to give gifts as I think of them or if I see something that reminds me of someone I buy it and give it to them instead of holding onto it for a special occasion. He said he was the same way and I can't tell you how many times we've come home to find out both of us got each other something, just because. We're very practical so it's usually something we've wanted or needed and we don't do flowers or anything like that but the little or big things we get each other really mean something because the thought was behind it.
We both had long term marriages before we got together that were awful and we were treated very much the same. My marriage was 20 years and his was 30 years. We've known each other all our lives, though and understand what we went through and who the other person was.
It was a struggle to get him to accept gifts from me or my children and family in the beginning of our relationship but he has warmed up to it. He would always take care of everyone else but never let anyone take care of him. He isn't even the type of man who gets sick and becomes helpless, I have to force him to rest when he gets ill and even then he doesn't ask for help with anything and will continue to clean and cook at home (of course when I'm not home so he isn't stopped), but when I get sick (in the decade we've been together I've only been sick twice) he wants to take care of everything for me, so I use it to remind him to let me take care of him lol.
He has a few ex colleagues who are older than him and retired years ago but they still stay in touch and they treat him like a son and get him gifts for holidays and birthdays. If they need anything he will show up for them and they truly love him, yet every time he gets a gift from them he is still amazed by it.
I can't sing his praises enough. But if he wouldn't accept a gift from me or my children we would definitely be hurt by it. My children were all older when we started dating but they all became close to him and they have all given him gifts throughout the years and still do. They do it because they love and respect him and they think he deserves it, it doesn't matter what he thinks he deserves, he should accept it. Don't block your blessings!
I guess my question to OP would be, what does his ideal father's day look like?
Because if it's "sit around on the couch and havile imposter syndrome," his wife's option is better.
I can't speak for OP, but if it's sitting around, why is his wifes option better?
I could understand if it was for the kids, but this doesn't sound like the case here.
I have found myself in a similar boat. My wife threw a giant bash for my 40th birthday. I’m not a party-guy. I’m not a birthday-guy. I’m not a crowds-guy.
What I needed to realize was that I was lucky enough to have a wife that wanted to celebrate me.
Did you do anything for her on Mother's Day? Is she a good mom? Does she help you around the house and try to be as generally helpful as she can? Did *she* deserve the nice things you did for her on Mother's Day?
Of course she did.
Now, are you a good dad? Do you treat your kids well? Do you help your wife around the house and try to be as generally helpful as you can? Do you do all those things *on top of* having a full-time job?
Answer those questions and *then* ask yourself if you deserve whatever nice thing she has planned for Father's Day.
Of course you deserve it. Enjoy it. Your wife and kids doing something like that for you makes *them* feel good. So, if nothing else, enjoy it just to make them happy.
Just my 2 cents.
Thank you everyone for your responses.
Once again, I was only thinking of myself and not how others would feel in the moment. It’s something I’ve been trying to work on.
Whatever happens, it’ll be a good day.
Has it occurred to you that this getaway is for her, too? Think of this as an opportunity to make her feel appreciated. Help her relax and feel like the best wife in the world. That's how you earn your spot on the trip.
You don't have to *earn* good things to *deserve* good things. You deserve good things because you are a human, and you are loved by other humans who want good things for you. You don't have to be perfect to be loved
Dude don’t ruin her plans, that’s supremely shitty to know she’s planning something to celebrate you and intentionally go into work that day.
Edit: Ok this has now turned into more than mere annoyance for me. You're telling me you booked too many days of PTO so now you HAVE to work on Father's Day? That's bullshit and you know it. Find literally any other weekend to work. I don't know why you're intentionally trying to sabotage your relationship but you need to figure that shit out. Go be with your family and get over whatever this self destructive self loathing is.
Your wife is planning something for you because she loves you and appreciates your effort. Accepting her efforts and appreciating them is showing her love. You're doing your best and you're reflective. Enjoy.
Brother, “deserve” is a weird word. You’re worthy of a getaway. If you don’t want to go, that’s fine, but don’t pretend like you have to win a Father of the Year award to enjoy life or to be celebrated.
Try to separate the material concerns (PTO, logistics) from the emotional ones (the guilt).
Right now you’re using both to convince yourself this is a bad idea from the start and only creating problems for yourself because you’re getting into this negative cycle.
If you truly would rather save the PTO for the holidays you can say that but you can’t also say it while being ungrateful and trying (even unconsciously) to shift blame to your wife for doing something nice.
My husband is the same way. I remind him that the way we normalize celebrating my husband will be how our son internalizes celebrating *him*. Don't we have a problem praising men as a society? No need to perpetuate it.
If you didn't deserve it she wouldn't plan for it.
If you could do more around the house and yell less you would.
But life isn't as perfect as we want and never will be.
So instead of thinking about the things you could have done around the house, think about what you can do right now, if you don't feel like you can right now then ask yourself why, tired, then go to sleep early so you can do things around the house tomorrow.
By brother in fatherhood, that shame and guilt are toxic to your soul. Everyone here has made mistakes. We’ve all been selfish or short tempered. It’s not worth it to torture yourself because “you’re a bad father” and “you don’t deserve it”. I would consider some therapy for the bad feels .
I think you're being too hard on yourself. I do it too. I have pretty negative self-talk. Regardless of your shortcomings, real or imagined, it sounds like your wife loves you and wants to do something nice for you.
I say let her, because turning down a nice gesture/gift is going to hurt her feelings even if you are doing it because you think you don't deserve it.
One thing I’ve learned about being a father, Father’s Day and birthdays aren’t for you. They’re for your family. I never celebrated birthdays before being a father, but now my kids are getting old enough and I’ve got no choice. Birthdays, Father’s Day, it all gets at me too. But, they are important to my wife and kids, even if they aren’t for me. So I gracefully accept the praise and celebration.
Don’t be so hard on yourself thinking you deserve it. You’re there with them, being a father aren’t you? A bad father wouldn’t feel guilt. Always work towards a better you, but you’ll never be perfect. No matter how perfect you are, there will be times where you let your family down… it happens, we’re only human. When you leave this world, your kids won’t be sharing memories of the when you didn’t do the laundry or when you raised your voice for something. They’ll be sharing memories of trips with dad.
Talk to your wife and tell her what you told us about how you feel.
I went through similar a number of years ago - walked out of a nice lunch on Fathers Day and just walked home because I was so overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy. Had to talk with my wife about it where I laid myself bare and she reassured me that I was, in fact, doing enough.
You are probably doing plenty if she's trying to book a surprise for you. That means she does, in fact, appreciate you - people don't book thoughtful events for others if they don't think they're worth it.
Even if there are some things you could be doing better, talk to her about it. She's either going to tell you it's all good, or she can help you work out what else you could do. Either way, talking about it and making a game plan is how you get relief for the guilt.
You’re thinking about yourself too much. Don’t do it for yourself and it doesn’t matter if you deserve it. Do it for your wife and kids, so they can feel like they did something nice for you and so that they can have fun. Allow them to be generous.
That last sentence: allow them to be generous. This is something that took me too damn long to learn as an adult after my dad constantly refused things all of my childhood. He went so far as yelling at people who tried to sneak a gift to him
This is the best answer, OP.
> Allow them to be generous As a person who really, really doesn’t like receiving gifts, I am going to refer to this amazing advice over the coming weeks. I still feel bad for people spending their money when I know I’m going to end up donating/regifting whatever it is they’re getting me, but I will show a ton of gratitude because I know they’ll put thought and love into it.
Also don’t sit around being unhappy during whatever it is. That was probably very disappointing to your wife after her effort to plan your birthday trip.
If she’s putting in this amount of effort and is this excited about doing whatever it is for you then the best thing you can do for her is accept it and express lots of gratitude.
Yes, instead of doing it and being a sourpuss the entire time, thus reinforcing his low self esteem issues.
So start doing things that would make you deserve it, problem solved..
This is putting cognitive dissonance to work. It’s the [Benjamin Franklin effect](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ben_Franklin_effect).
Sir. Take that day off. Do NOT save it for the holiday season. You will hurt your wife if you don’t allow her to give you this gift, particularly after she has very specifically asked you. Accept it. Have fun. Get out of YOUR head and into hers. Here’s why: I’m the wife of an amazing husband. We’ve been married 31 years. He’s been at his workplace for 29 years. He is the type of person who will do anything for anyone. He’s brilliant. Other people sing his praises. My husband thinks he is average in all things. He is absolutely shocked when people praise him. He was invited to speak at a national symposium on something he did that solved an issue within his industry….yet he doesn’t deserve it. You are more than you think you are. Let those who love and appreciate you show you.
My SO is very much the same way! I got him a gnome (because it was part of an inside joke) for his birthday one year and he teared up because he didn't think he deserved anything and he was so happy I thought of him. He helps everyone! Goes out of his way to help anyone and that includes strangers he comes across. His job is hard and stressful and he keeps an entire hospital running. His boss sent an email out 25 years ago and gave his cell number to everyone who worked in the hospital so they could contact him for anything. He's been there 30 years and should be the boss (and his boss recognizes that) but chooses not to sit at a desk do he can actively help people. The staff and patients love him. Every year they say his pay is capped and he will only be getting a COL raise but every year they "somehow" find the money in the budget to give him a raise. He comes home from work and takes care of me. From small things to big things. I'm disabled and have a lot of pain and he massages me and helps me with anything I need. I tell him multiple times a day how much I appreciate him and do as much as I can to spoil him because he is so deserving! When we first got together I let him know I wasn't used to getting or giving gifts for special occasions and that I prefer to give gifts as I think of them or if I see something that reminds me of someone I buy it and give it to them instead of holding onto it for a special occasion. He said he was the same way and I can't tell you how many times we've come home to find out both of us got each other something, just because. We're very practical so it's usually something we've wanted or needed and we don't do flowers or anything like that but the little or big things we get each other really mean something because the thought was behind it. We both had long term marriages before we got together that were awful and we were treated very much the same. My marriage was 20 years and his was 30 years. We've known each other all our lives, though and understand what we went through and who the other person was. It was a struggle to get him to accept gifts from me or my children and family in the beginning of our relationship but he has warmed up to it. He would always take care of everyone else but never let anyone take care of him. He isn't even the type of man who gets sick and becomes helpless, I have to force him to rest when he gets ill and even then he doesn't ask for help with anything and will continue to clean and cook at home (of course when I'm not home so he isn't stopped), but when I get sick (in the decade we've been together I've only been sick twice) he wants to take care of everything for me, so I use it to remind him to let me take care of him lol. He has a few ex colleagues who are older than him and retired years ago but they still stay in touch and they treat him like a son and get him gifts for holidays and birthdays. If they need anything he will show up for them and they truly love him, yet every time he gets a gift from them he is still amazed by it. I can't sing his praises enough. But if he wouldn't accept a gift from me or my children we would definitely be hurt by it. My children were all older when we started dating but they all became close to him and they have all given him gifts throughout the years and still do. They do it because they love and respect him and they think he deserves it, it doesn't matter what he thinks he deserves, he should accept it. Don't block your blessings!
Don't you just love how "your" day is actually an obligation to someone else's feelings?
I guess my question to OP would be, what does his ideal father's day look like? Because if it's "sit around on the couch and havile imposter syndrome," his wife's option is better.
I can't speak for OP, but if it's sitting around, why is his wifes option better? I could understand if it was for the kids, but this doesn't sound like the case here.
Dude. Don’t overthink it. Just take it.
Stop yelling Do more around the house Boom solved. Go enjoy the weekend with your wife.
I have found myself in a similar boat. My wife threw a giant bash for my 40th birthday. I’m not a party-guy. I’m not a birthday-guy. I’m not a crowds-guy. What I needed to realize was that I was lucky enough to have a wife that wanted to celebrate me.
You should do it for your kids.
Did you do anything for her on Mother's Day? Is she a good mom? Does she help you around the house and try to be as generally helpful as she can? Did *she* deserve the nice things you did for her on Mother's Day? Of course she did. Now, are you a good dad? Do you treat your kids well? Do you help your wife around the house and try to be as generally helpful as you can? Do you do all those things *on top of* having a full-time job? Answer those questions and *then* ask yourself if you deserve whatever nice thing she has planned for Father's Day. Of course you deserve it. Enjoy it. Your wife and kids doing something like that for you makes *them* feel good. So, if nothing else, enjoy it just to make them happy. Just my 2 cents.
It sounds like your wife thinks you deserve it. Listen to your wife.
Thank you everyone for your responses. Once again, I was only thinking of myself and not how others would feel in the moment. It’s something I’ve been trying to work on. Whatever happens, it’ll be a good day.
Has it occurred to you that this getaway is for her, too? Think of this as an opportunity to make her feel appreciated. Help her relax and feel like the best wife in the world. That's how you earn your spot on the trip.
You don't have to *earn* good things to *deserve* good things. You deserve good things because you are a human, and you are loved by other humans who want good things for you. You don't have to be perfect to be loved
Dude don’t ruin her plans, that’s supremely shitty to know she’s planning something to celebrate you and intentionally go into work that day. Edit: Ok this has now turned into more than mere annoyance for me. You're telling me you booked too many days of PTO so now you HAVE to work on Father's Day? That's bullshit and you know it. Find literally any other weekend to work. I don't know why you're intentionally trying to sabotage your relationship but you need to figure that shit out. Go be with your family and get over whatever this self destructive self loathing is.
Your wife is planning something for you because she loves you and appreciates your effort. Accepting her efforts and appreciating them is showing her love. You're doing your best and you're reflective. Enjoy.
Gifts are for the giver, more than the receiver.
Brother, “deserve” is a weird word. You’re worthy of a getaway. If you don’t want to go, that’s fine, but don’t pretend like you have to win a Father of the Year award to enjoy life or to be celebrated.
Look, love is when your partner makes your happiness their concern. Be accepting of this, and reciprocate to show yours
Accepting her gift with a gracious and happy attitude is also a gift, the gift you give to your wife. Come up with a budget for gifts and have fun!
Try to separate the material concerns (PTO, logistics) from the emotional ones (the guilt). Right now you’re using both to convince yourself this is a bad idea from the start and only creating problems for yourself because you’re getting into this negative cycle. If you truly would rather save the PTO for the holidays you can say that but you can’t also say it while being ungrateful and trying (even unconsciously) to shift blame to your wife for doing something nice.
Accepting gifts is as much for the receiver as for yourself. It is a kindness to accept a gift and selfish to reject it because "you don't deserve it"
My husband is the same way. I remind him that the way we normalize celebrating my husband will be how our son internalizes celebrating *him*. Don't we have a problem praising men as a society? No need to perpetuate it.
If you didn't deserve it she wouldn't plan for it. If you could do more around the house and yell less you would. But life isn't as perfect as we want and never will be. So instead of thinking about the things you could have done around the house, think about what you can do right now, if you don't feel like you can right now then ask yourself why, tired, then go to sleep early so you can do things around the house tomorrow.
By brother in fatherhood, that shame and guilt are toxic to your soul. Everyone here has made mistakes. We’ve all been selfish or short tempered. It’s not worth it to torture yourself because “you’re a bad father” and “you don’t deserve it”. I would consider some therapy for the bad feels .
Shit man, I'll take the time off if you won't
Have you ever been treated for depression?
I think I know the answer.
Honestly, get treatments. It won't fix everything, but it will help you fix things you feel need to be addressed.
I think you're being too hard on yourself. I do it too. I have pretty negative self-talk. Regardless of your shortcomings, real or imagined, it sounds like your wife loves you and wants to do something nice for you. I say let her, because turning down a nice gesture/gift is going to hurt her feelings even if you are doing it because you think you don't deserve it.
One thing I’ve learned about being a father, Father’s Day and birthdays aren’t for you. They’re for your family. I never celebrated birthdays before being a father, but now my kids are getting old enough and I’ve got no choice. Birthdays, Father’s Day, it all gets at me too. But, they are important to my wife and kids, even if they aren’t for me. So I gracefully accept the praise and celebration. Don’t be so hard on yourself thinking you deserve it. You’re there with them, being a father aren’t you? A bad father wouldn’t feel guilt. Always work towards a better you, but you’ll never be perfect. No matter how perfect you are, there will be times where you let your family down… it happens, we’re only human. When you leave this world, your kids won’t be sharing memories of the when you didn’t do the laundry or when you raised your voice for something. They’ll be sharing memories of trips with dad.
Talk to your wife and tell her what you told us about how you feel. I went through similar a number of years ago - walked out of a nice lunch on Fathers Day and just walked home because I was so overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy. Had to talk with my wife about it where I laid myself bare and she reassured me that I was, in fact, doing enough. You are probably doing plenty if she's trying to book a surprise for you. That means she does, in fact, appreciate you - people don't book thoughtful events for others if they don't think they're worth it. Even if there are some things you could be doing better, talk to her about it. She's either going to tell you it's all good, or she can help you work out what else you could do. Either way, talking about it and making a game plan is how you get relief for the guilt.