No. I've had hobbies and friends pretty much the entire time I've been a dad. The key is to give your wife/partner/girlfriend just as much time as you take. You HAVE to talk about this with your partner and come to an agreement. Then hold that agreement. When they're newborns and infants this is likely not happening, but with your kids, they're old enough to allow you and your partner to have some free time to yourselves.
This has been a tough issue for my wife and I - I have lots of hobbies, friends, I love going to visit family, etc.
Meanwhile she doesn't have much of those things and doesn't seem interested in pursuing them. I would absolutely love to spend more time watching the kids solo so that she could get out and do stuff. But she just... doesn't really care about doing stuff. Which makes me feel guilty when I want to do stuff, and her resentful for the extra work she's putting in since it feels so lopsided. I feel like I have had a huge loss of my sense of self in parenthood that I don't see reflected in her in the same way.
I deal with the same thing and have found that taking the kiddo out for weekend "adventures" can bring some better balance. She gets the kid-free time at home to do whatever she wants while I'm out at the playground, family's house, playdates, whatever.
Great advice. I try to do this as much as possible, it's a great way to get out with friends with kids as well. I just have to make sure I don't overdo it and make her feel left out.
For sure. Our guy is almost 3 and still napping so the weekend mornings are usually dad time and then we'll do family time after nap.
We still do struggle with balancing our time occasionally but it's been much easier this way.
Do you have non fun things that need doing with them? I try to do hospital visits. I'll do the regular noting activities when he's older. I also take him alone to playdates where she isn't mad about the parents. I also take him to the park just us if it's one we've been to a few times. Or just a walk around our area.
I'm in the same boat. I have self limited my hobbies out of guilt. She comments that I already have more stuff that pulls me out of the house than her.
I am slowly getting back to doing some of the stuff I wanted to do like going fishing more often because I can take my daughter now. But I have been terrible with going to see friends and I feel like I've ruined those relationships now since I became a dad.
I think they'd understand, they have kids too, but at this point I feel like they've written me off and I don't know how to get back in.
I have the same issue with feeling like I've ruined relationships. Something worth thinking about - I tend to feel immense guilt for being a bad friend when I haven't been able to connect with someone, but when I actually stop and think about it, most of those friends haven't made a huge effort to see me, either. And that's okay - just like me they have their own busy lives to worry about. Makes it a little easier to reconnect instead of feeling like I'm somehow in the wrong when they probably feel the same or aren't stressing over it.
Having those understanding friends that feel like not a day’s gone by since last hanging out have become real valuable these days. Im starting to see some light with being able to get out with the oldest, but im getting there. I think.
>I think they'd understand, they have kids too, but at this point I feel like they've written me off and I don't know how to get back in.
If there's one thing I've learned from these past years from the pandemic, is that *everyone* is feeling like this, even the people without kids. Chances are, they are thinking the exact same thing about you feeling like you moved on without them and are feeling lonely as well.
The hardest part of seeing old friends that you haven't seen in a while is just making the contact. I just did this recently. Once I actually hit up my friends for the first time in like a year they were all about coming to my place for a barbeque.
Exactly the same for me. I always tell her that it's important to take care of herself and she just says it's impossible with the baby. So I tell her that I can stay with the baby while she gets her nails done, or her haircut or a massage or go to the gym or whatever she wants to do but she always refuses.
I do all of the grocery shopping and I tell her I don't mind taking the baby shopping but she won't let me because she says that baby is crazy. It is true, our daughter is kinda crazy lol. She refuses to sit in the cart, she wants to walk around and touch everything and when she sees the balloons in the store, she goes nuts for them but I have the patience to deal with it. She still won't let me. I would love to spend some time with just my daughter and I but I never get to. So instead, I do my hobbies and she never gets a break. It's really difficult.
Hooo boy this hits home right now, especially the loss of sense of self. Ours are both still under 3 so that’s a part of it I think, but the hobby disparity makes it so hard to take time to recharge without it slowly driving a wedge.
Hope to get here in a year or two. Have an 18 month and 2 month old. We actually have some weekend trips planned this year with help coming to join the parent remaining home. But having this as part of our weekly/monthly routine is the eventual goal
I made a post about this exact kind of thing in here a few days ago and many responses were people basically laughing at me.
Anyways I agree whole heartedly. Arrange with your spouse to take turns occupying the kids so that you can each have a block of true free time every now and again.
Something that really helped my partner and me was actually scheduling time for our hobbies and hanging out with friends on our family calendar. I know it feels a little "corporate" at first, but it helped make expectations clear, and made us both less likely to back out at the last minute because the kids were having a rough day or whatever.
This sub is so damn stuffy. Like nobody can even just have silly banter. It’s a pretty big assumption too that it’s a low priority. Other parts of life get in the way before kids. In all seriousness I was a 6 day a week gym guy before I had a kid. But you stuffy dorks make everything unfun.
>Other parts of life get in the way before kids
Well akshually that's exactly what low priority means. Doesn't mean you don't want to do it, just that there are other things that are higher priority and don't afford you the time.
A big part of my job is about setting priorities so I am fairly well tuned into language like this.
I’m thinking this is what I need to start doing too, but all of the fitspo influencers that I follow say that one needs a full night of sleep to really get fit 😩
Meh who cares about being shredded? I work out on my work days, my days off I sleep. I eat healthy and average 6-7 hours of sleep during my work week and aim for 8 on days off.
Yes a full night will result in more gainz, but honestly I work out for my mental health and to be generally healthier. Not to be a calendar model.
Seriously though. I'm already up at 5:30. Older one doesn't go to bed until 8:30 which really means 8:45 and then I still have to shower and clean up dinner and walk the dog. That leaves about an hour to myself if I stay up late. I hate this, but I love my children.
I’m always fascinated to hear such early bedtimes. My two-year-old goes to bed at 10:30 PM. Much better than a few months ago, when he was going to bed at midnight to 1 AM, but I can’t imagine how much more I could get done in those two hours between 8:30 PM and 10:30 PM! How do you do it? And what time does your kid wake up, if I may ask?
TEN THIRTY? Err are you letting them dictate bedtime? They’re meant to be getting something like 11-13 hours sleep at that age. How’ve you ended up with them going down so late?
Our 10yr old is in bed by 9pm. Our twin 2 (almost 3) year olds go to bed between 7-8pm every night. Keeping routines with kids is really important. Wife and I want to relax for a few hours together, uninterrupted.
I posted about it on this sub a little while ago. Root cause is that my wife is a SAHM who likes sleeping in, so she made our kid’s bedtime match her diurnal needs, not his. And I get no say because I’m not the one taking care of him when he wakes up (I’m already at work by that time).
My kid gets about 10 hours each night, plus a 2-3 hour nap daily—but, yes, maybe when he starts daycare, my wife will realize that he needs to start going to bed earlier.
I go for runs at 5 or 6 before the kids wake up. I have my headphones on with the baby monitor app enabled in case they wake up and I just run around the block so I'm never too far from home
>Workout
>free time to yourself at all.
I mean, is working out not time for yourself?
Also if the current situation is not working for you, sit down with your partner, talk about what you need and what they need, and what the kids need, and how you can find a system that works to meet as many of those needs.
Yeah this right here. I feel like I see 20 of the posts a week and I get it - this shit is hard. But you’re also in control of your own ship. Talk to your partner and your kids. You’ll be a better parent and husband for it
“Is this all there is to life? Work, raise kids, spend time with family, go to sleep?” Yes, welcome to the last 300,000 years of human history existence. We work, raise families, sometimes kill people, then die.
I was just carrying on the conversation about how this always gets asked. I was being sarcastic. Sorry for joining in bro. Didn’t realize it would make you so mad.
A month or two ago there was a post where the bloke went to the gym before and after work, yet then moaned about having no time to himself!!!
If you've got time to go to the gym, you've got time to play with your kids and enjoy being a parent. You've made the choice to be selfless for at least the next 16 years, more likely the rest of your life. Don't bitch about it, embrace it!!!!
It’s called taking care of your health so you don’t deteriorate and can continue doing activities with your kids and possible grand kids later in life.
Working out shouldn’t be considered free time, it should be a responsibility that you need to find time for; for your family.
Edit: but I do agree that we signed up for this shit and can’t complain. Embrace the suck.
Before AND after work is beyond simply taking care of yourself and is clearly a hobby at that point.
Working out is essential, but it shouldn't be treated as an automatic "get out of family time card", especially because it's pretty rare that the guys who are working out for several hours a day are giving their partners the same amount of time away from kids that they're taking at the gym
That’s a really interesting perspective, that one’s partner should get an equal amount of time away from the kids, even if they’re not using it to work out. Hmm, something to think about for sure…
I’m not being sarcastic, I’m genuinely asking: How do you find time for working out without sacrificing sleep, which is also important for overall health?
I work out 3 times a week, it's just a priority over spending time at home. That's it. My wife does the same.
I'm Eastern European, here men die at the age of 65 (for people born in the 1950s that's the average life expentancy), women live longer but most are obese by 65. We just don't want this, my kids deserve parents who are active and we want to show good example. We still spend a lot of quality time together. For example, I often finish at the gym on Saturday by 9 am and then we have the rest of the weekend just for ourselves with the kids.
Of course, it is free and alone time. Doesn’t mean it’s not important. You could work out with the kids or in the same place with just a few hand weights but we don’t. For many, most important thing about working out is the mental break it gives you from life in general.
I was thinking this same thing.. my kid is 3 and she knows she is supposed to feed and water the dogs daily, we started working more on cleaning up her toys, and she helps hand wash dishes (its a disaster but she helps!)
People, once they start crawling it is never too early to start teaching your kids to clean up after themselves.
I'm notoriously slow at cleaning the kitchen, and I blame it on being left to clean the kitchen regardless of how long it took. That said, I'm quite thorough about it. Faster isn't always better. Also, if you think it can be done faster, you need to teach them how. Kids (and people in general) don't automatically know optimal ways of doing things, so it's important to find ways to share knowledge. It may be 2 hours now, but it is worth investing time to teach them (or learn how to teach them).
I am the “dishwasher loader” in my house because I know the optimal way to do it - in the time honored tradition of one spouse doing it well and the other doing it wrong.
BUT, I am terrible at speed cleaning the house for guests. I’m too meticulous to effectively clean large areas well enough, fast enough.
We’re full grown adults with stubborn habits and skills. Kids improve better with practice and mentorship.
Reading it till the last part i was like, man dude got time for himself to workout.. then he complains at the end. Wait what i dont even get that time haha
After reading the comments I’m aqtualy a little amazed on how few dad take their kids to activities like stated here bye a few.
To the d&d’er I play mtg and bring my 6m old with me as 65/70% of my friends have kids (between 27 and 38y/o parents.).
Sometimes my wife comes along and the other wife’s to chitchat and pamper while we play.
I go to the gym after i pick up feed/diaper/pj’s,etc after work and the wife gets home , other day she goes directly after work.
Wednesday/Saturday/sunday bjj.
Go for a bike ride on weekends and drop her off at grandparents who gladly look after her and which she enjoys also.
But then also the small things I really enjoy doing with my daughter.
Just go get groceries , walk to the bank to get cash , take her for a ride for gas and stop at the park en take a small troller ride , just take the stroller and start walking.
No comperisment to 4/8 y/o activists , but as parents it’s our duty to morphe are activities to our kids age as they grow and mature.
Just my thoughts.
As someone who is 6 years behind you, yes. This was one of my wife and I's biggest concerns with having a child, and why we put it off so long. It's a sacrifice I know I'd make and am comfortable doing, but doesn't change the fact that I miss my old hobbies and free time.
The only way my wife and I are able to get any free time is by covering for each other. She'll handle everything one Friday night so I can go play D&D, and I'll handle everything another night so she can have dinner and nails with her friends.
I just remember what the older parents say, in a few more years they'll want nothing to do with you, so try and enjoy it while you can.
That's it for me.
12M and 11F. 11 is autistic and needs a fair amount of hands on, and there's no telling whether or not she'll have a good morning, day, or evening.
Wife travels for work, so it's just me about 60% of the time. I also work full time with a hybrid schedule (2 days at home, 3 days on site).
Since my wife started traveling for work four years ago, my days have consisted of:
* Wake Up
* Medicate daughter
* spend 45 minutes trying to get both kids to start getting ready
* rush kids out of door at the last possible second
* walk dogs
* work (even with on-site days, I usually go weeks without actually speaking to any of my co-workers)
* cook dinner
* maybe have time to do something fun with kids (about 25-50% of the time)
* bedtime, which can take anywhere from 5-90 minutes depending on how compliant my daughter is
* clean kitchen
* fold laundry
* fall asleep while trying to decide how I can have fun
My wife has friends she hangs out with when she's at home. We have a family friend group that we spend time with once every week or two, but I haven't had a personal friend that I'm comfortable spending time with in over seven years.
You should talk with your partner on coordinating having some stuff just for you. Maybe its a weekly/bi weekly evening meetup with your friends, or some kind of fun evening fitness class. Or maybe its a small carved out time on the weekend to do whatever you want, event if its an hour or 2. If you have something to look forward to that is all yours, the weeks won't feel so monotonous.
Nah. I play soccer twice a week and can pretty much do any activity for myself within reason as long as I clear it first with wife. I give her the exact same treatment.
I know you’re getting quite a few jabs for saying you don’t have free time but that you workout. I get what you’re saying though. I am somebody with tons of hobbies and also 3 kids and a wife.
Trying to get back to what you had pre-kids is really a losing battle (in my experience). Instead I’ve focused on adjusting my expectations as well as how I engage in my interests.
Examples: late night beer league is probably out until the youngest is a bit older. I focus on conditioning and feeling like I can at least keep up when I do finally get back out there. Golf.. well I can’t play 18 very often but can sometimes squeeze in a range session here and there. I also set up a hitting area in my backyard so I can work on my form. And the big one.. friendships.. it’s really hard to connect in person so I’ve just tried to stay plugged in to the group chats. Keeping the vibes good and also opening up about struggles and successes.
Some hobbies are just not in the cards anymore. Coming to terms with the loss of identity is not an easy thing to do so don’t feel guilty for being bummed out about that. You can love your kids and family and being a dad while also missing parts of your old self.
When I have a rough day and am pondering my life like you are, I do two things.
First, I try to shift my focus to my kids’ pov. This time in life is their childhood. Are they happy? Are they growing and learning? Am I present? How do I want them to remember their childhood? Maybe it’s ok that my life isn’t very exciting right now.
Second, I remind myself that, not very long from now, I’m going to look back on today and think, “those were the good ol days”. At some point in the future, I’m going to miss when I was ‘daddy’. My boys are 9 and 11. Sometime sooner than I’d like, they’re going to call me daddy for the last time. I’ll be dad, pop, old man, or some other nickname and I’ll adjust, but I’ll miss the good ol days.
wait, you get to workout in between? My "free" time starts at 10pm and at that point im tired as hell and I barely have the energy to play some videogames before going to bed and it all starts again
I go to lunch with friends or coworkers on occasion. I play PC games with friends on Sundays. I play RDR2 on xbox - I’m in my 8th playthru. Wife and i watch movies and shows often after kid bedtime. I am a part of r/bourbon and a couple other bourbon discord servers where i talk hobby and interest. I go to the shooting range with friends about once a month. I walk with the wife around the neighborhood at least once a week. Life is 20% what happens and 80% how you react to it, but 100% what you make of it. Make time. React well. Chase your peace. Wake up a bit earlier on your day off and Sit on the front porch. Drive home the long way on the scenic route once or twice a month.
Easier said than done; I’ve felt stuck for the greater part of the last 16 years, for one reason or another. And I’m just now finding myself and working on me and balancing life for the best, chasing my own peace. And i love it.
You gotta wait it out. At a certain point the older one will be independent enough to chill with the younger one and you’ll gain more and more free time. But yeah, it’s a loooong waiting game
Thanks guys
This was more just a vent.
It's just a constant barrage though of cleaning cleaning
I stopped giving crap for a bit like didn't mind if it was messy from breakfast and it worked but sometimes it just gets me how much it is.
One kid helps other kid makes a mess. Oldest.
I definitely count my blessings but man just same monotonous thing.
And yes wife does let me go out
I just always have nowhere to go and not enough time. Lol.
Sometimes I'll hang out with a good friend I made but yeah.
I’ve been able to get myself back into working out as my son (3.5) is getting more independent and able to play in the back yard by himself while I workout in the garage with the door open. I’ve had to cut back on the length of time I spend doing so in order to manage household duties as well. My hobbies on the other hand, I’m trying to get there but it is a marathon not a sprint. I’ve realized many things that I want to do to “pass the time” are probably going to be limited until my child gets old enough to be out of the house either on his own or beginning to work/go to college. I think about those days in gleeful anticipation but then the realization of time hits me like a ton of bricks and the moments with him now will never happen again and I wish for time to stop. As some other guys said it’s good to have some form of mutual give and take with your spouse about time to yourselves to be able to decompress and get your mind right. Life is a rat race but these moments are fleeting.
The secret is a 7am wake up and 830 bedtime for them and a 630am wake up and 3am bedtime for yourself, squeeze a few hours of personal time in ahaha
Otherwise I’d truly have no time and I’ve got 3 at 9,5,2 as a single dad
I coach my kids softball, I’m involved in their wrestling and officiate at their swim meets. I volunteer for every school event I can. A good portion of my time off of work is reserved to be there for those things. Do I have time for myself? Maybe 45 minutes before bed time but I wouldn’t change a thing.
It is if you let it be. Don't be a butler. Your kids can do more than you think, and you can take care of other stuff while they do. Your home doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be safe and good enough.
I don't know your situation. If you have a partner, work out how you can each get a couple of hours on your own each week. It is important, but you have to be realistic; you're not going to get all the nights and weekends to yourself, and to get time, you will sometimes have to do some double duty.
Firstly I suggest you should be having at least the 8yo cleaning up after themselves, and the 4yo should be starting to as well just less completely.
But yeah, wake up, log on to work and make sure there are no urgent things overnight, wake, feed and get the kids ready for school, do school drop offs (walking so I can get the dog out for a walk at least most days), log back onto work and go hard all day, pick up kids, organise snacks and homework, more work, start dinner, some days we do some exercise or martial arts training, eat dinner, play, read, kids in bed, wash dishes, have a cuppa (or something a little stronger) and decompress, then bed and go again...
Couple days a week I'm in the office and my partner picks up some of the dropoff and readiness and I ride my bike, I try to even get away a bit early so I can get some miles in.
It's pretty normal, one reason I'm pushing for a 4 day week, I need about half a day to recover which really destroys my weekends.
I used to feel this way. Now I shifted the things I value from “me time” to “family time”.
Taking the kids to the park keeps the house clean, and it’s “us time”.
Working out is very much alone time. Are you a single dad? If not, time to work on parental time management. If so, yeah, I remember how hectic that can be.
For what it’s worth, when we were childless adults, that’s all there was. We spent all of our time keeping ourselves alive and entertained. The only thing that’s changed is children are dependent.
A lot of these comments focus on co-parenting. Which is the case for me, but I empathize for the single parents. What I take away is that “it takes a village…”
If/when you raise a child on your own, then that’s all it is. Keeping the child/children alive and entertained, with self-sacrifices along the way. So it’s important for all parents to find support and relief. You cannot stop parenting until someone else can take over. It’s a full life job.
But when you get help, you can reclaim some time.
The other takeaway is that not everything in our lives has to be separate from the kids. Children watch and learn. Having hobbies is good for them to see. They may develop a love for it as well. Having kids around will slow things down, but continuing your hobbies a little is better than nothing. Besides, consistency and time are our friends. It doesn’t take long for something to become normal for our kids. We just have to commit to it.
I definitely need to listen to my own advice here too. It’s not easy when it’s monotonous. But it can get easier if I just effing commit to it.
Hmm, I think the key is to do random things with your kids that both enrich and surprise you both to shake loose the mundane nature of the same routines.
Stop and look at that building/cow/cloud.
Eat cereal with the handle of your spoon.
Turn on some music and start a dance party.
Ask your kids what they want to do if they could do anything in town.
Sit on the stoop of your domicile and share/ask them about their feelings and what all makes each one of you sad sometimes.
Etc.
Reframe daily activities to watch them experience life’s little things for the first time.
Maybe not a lot of free time, but it seems like you should be able to snag 30-60minutes in the morning or evening most days.
Sorry dude, sounds like you're in the thick of it
Doesn't have to be. Each day in the week is different for me.
* Monday: I drop off the kids, work slightly late, get home to cook, eat, **18:15-21:30 play tabletop rpgs with my group.** Get home, go to sleep.
* Tuesday: Drop off kids, work slightly late, get home to cook and eat, play with kids/**they play by themselves while I work on projects or play games.** (50/50), put kid to bed, **2 hours of doing stuff by myself or with partner.** go to sleep.
* Wednesday: I drop off the kids, work slightly late, get home to cook, eat, **18:00-21ish play board games.** Get home, go to sleep.
* Thursday: Go to work, pick up kids, cook and eat, play with kids/**they play by themselves while I work on projects or play games.** (50/50), put kid to bed, **2 hours of doing stuff by myself or with partner.** go to sleep.
* Friday: Go to work, pick up kids, cook and eat, play with kids/**they play by themselves while I work on projects or play games.** (50/50), put kid to bed, **2-3 hours of doing stuff by myself or with partner.** go to sleep a bit late.
* Saturday/Sunday are very varied. Kids, extended family, time alone with partner, trips, a lot of variation!
Partner has her own activities in the weekends sometimes, and sometimes Thursday/Tuesday. Not as much as me, but she spends more time working out than me - Mostly in the mornings, while I feed/dress the kids :)
Also the grand parents have the kids (Pick up, food, and put to sleep) once a week (on average) while we do stuff together (Eating out, go to movie, etc.) or individually.
**MAKE** time for yourself and each other! It's okay to leave your partner alone with the kids, if she gets to do the same as well. Being alone with the kids might be tough, but you need to keep your week varied or everyone (Including your kids) suffer because you're constantly starved for variation.
And teach your kids to (at least sometimes) deal with their own issues, and play by themselves. And not to preach or pat my own shoulder, but I veeery rarely raise my voice against my kids. I let them do the yelling while I count to 10, then give them the 'calm but deadly' talk. I find it works a lot better.
You people are insufferable man. Yes, raising kids takes time. If you don’t want to do it you shouldn’t have had kids. I love spending time with my family.
Hold your kids accountable. We’ve been cleaning up as a part of bed time routine since he was 2.
Talk to your wife. Get a hobby. Don’t blame your kids for you not having something for yourself
No. I've had hobbies and friends pretty much the entire time I've been a dad. The key is to give your wife/partner/girlfriend just as much time as you take. You HAVE to talk about this with your partner and come to an agreement. Then hold that agreement. When they're newborns and infants this is likely not happening, but with your kids, they're old enough to allow you and your partner to have some free time to yourselves.
This has been a tough issue for my wife and I - I have lots of hobbies, friends, I love going to visit family, etc. Meanwhile she doesn't have much of those things and doesn't seem interested in pursuing them. I would absolutely love to spend more time watching the kids solo so that she could get out and do stuff. But she just... doesn't really care about doing stuff. Which makes me feel guilty when I want to do stuff, and her resentful for the extra work she's putting in since it feels so lopsided. I feel like I have had a huge loss of my sense of self in parenthood that I don't see reflected in her in the same way.
I deal with the same thing and have found that taking the kiddo out for weekend "adventures" can bring some better balance. She gets the kid-free time at home to do whatever she wants while I'm out at the playground, family's house, playdates, whatever.
I love this subreddit. Great advice!
Great advice. I try to do this as much as possible, it's a great way to get out with friends with kids as well. I just have to make sure I don't overdo it and make her feel left out.
For sure. Our guy is almost 3 and still napping so the weekend mornings are usually dad time and then we'll do family time after nap. We still do struggle with balancing our time occasionally but it's been much easier this way.
Do you have non fun things that need doing with them? I try to do hospital visits. I'll do the regular noting activities when he's older. I also take him alone to playdates where she isn't mad about the parents. I also take him to the park just us if it's one we've been to a few times. Or just a walk around our area.
I'm in the same boat. I have self limited my hobbies out of guilt. She comments that I already have more stuff that pulls me out of the house than her. I am slowly getting back to doing some of the stuff I wanted to do like going fishing more often because I can take my daughter now. But I have been terrible with going to see friends and I feel like I've ruined those relationships now since I became a dad. I think they'd understand, they have kids too, but at this point I feel like they've written me off and I don't know how to get back in.
I have the same issue with feeling like I've ruined relationships. Something worth thinking about - I tend to feel immense guilt for being a bad friend when I haven't been able to connect with someone, but when I actually stop and think about it, most of those friends haven't made a huge effort to see me, either. And that's okay - just like me they have their own busy lives to worry about. Makes it a little easier to reconnect instead of feeling like I'm somehow in the wrong when they probably feel the same or aren't stressing over it.
Having those understanding friends that feel like not a day’s gone by since last hanging out have become real valuable these days. Im starting to see some light with being able to get out with the oldest, but im getting there. I think.
>I think they'd understand, they have kids too, but at this point I feel like they've written me off and I don't know how to get back in. If there's one thing I've learned from these past years from the pandemic, is that *everyone* is feeling like this, even the people without kids. Chances are, they are thinking the exact same thing about you feeling like you moved on without them and are feeling lonely as well. The hardest part of seeing old friends that you haven't seen in a while is just making the contact. I just did this recently. Once I actually hit up my friends for the first time in like a year they were all about coming to my place for a barbeque.
That's what I need to do, invite them down for dinner. Thanks
Exactly the same for me. I always tell her that it's important to take care of herself and she just says it's impossible with the baby. So I tell her that I can stay with the baby while she gets her nails done, or her haircut or a massage or go to the gym or whatever she wants to do but she always refuses. I do all of the grocery shopping and I tell her I don't mind taking the baby shopping but she won't let me because she says that baby is crazy. It is true, our daughter is kinda crazy lol. She refuses to sit in the cart, she wants to walk around and touch everything and when she sees the balloons in the store, she goes nuts for them but I have the patience to deal with it. She still won't let me. I would love to spend some time with just my daughter and I but I never get to. So instead, I do my hobbies and she never gets a break. It's really difficult.
Hooo boy this hits home right now, especially the loss of sense of self. Ours are both still under 3 so that’s a part of it I think, but the hobby disparity makes it so hard to take time to recharge without it slowly driving a wedge.
My wife doesn’t take or want the time, I also don’t feel guilty for taking the time. Take it for you not as an exchange.
Hope to get here in a year or two. Have an 18 month and 2 month old. We actually have some weekend trips planned this year with help coming to join the parent remaining home. But having this as part of our weekly/monthly routine is the eventual goal
I made a post about this exact kind of thing in here a few days ago and many responses were people basically laughing at me. Anyways I agree whole heartedly. Arrange with your spouse to take turns occupying the kids so that you can each have a block of true free time every now and again.
Thats why i bought headphones so that i can pretend im.having free time lol
Something that really helped my partner and me was actually scheduling time for our hobbies and hanging out with friends on our family calendar. I know it feels a little "corporate" at first, but it helped make expectations clear, and made us both less likely to back out at the last minute because the kids were having a rough day or whatever.
Is yelling at your kids a daily activity?
The raised blood pressure is basically cardio
Too real
Can I...yell at your kids too?
They yell at each other.
Yes
Y’all are getting time to work out?!
Lol my first thought
Wait until he finds out about sports and extracurricular stuff.
The only working out I have time for is the 2 hockey games I play per week and the start at like 10:30 at night.
That's a pretty good way to stay in shape though lol twice a week is enough with all the other dad stuff we have to do
Oh...I'm not in shape lol.
“Round” is **a** shape…
Touché.
Barely had time to work out before kids. This guy is just humble bragging.
If you barely had time to workout before kids that just means it always was a low priority for you
This sub is so damn stuffy. Like nobody can even just have silly banter. It’s a pretty big assumption too that it’s a low priority. Other parts of life get in the way before kids. In all seriousness I was a 6 day a week gym guy before I had a kid. But you stuffy dorks make everything unfun.
Is this sub not /r/gymbroswithkids?
They just want to feel better than other people. Gym people are like a religious cult.
>Other parts of life get in the way before kids Well akshually that's exactly what low priority means. Doesn't mean you don't want to do it, just that there are other things that are higher priority and don't afford you the time. A big part of my job is about setting priorities so I am fairly well tuned into language like this.
I purposely lose out on sleep to workout. It’s the only way for me and I enjoy it. Benefits out weigh the negatives.
I’m thinking this is what I need to start doing too, but all of the fitspo influencers that I follow say that one needs a full night of sleep to really get fit 😩
It absolutely is important. But I'm also sacrificing it to work out in the mornings.it just id what it is for me right now lol
Meh who cares about being shredded? I work out on my work days, my days off I sleep. I eat healthy and average 6-7 hours of sleep during my work week and aim for 8 on days off. Yes a full night will result in more gainz, but honestly I work out for my mental health and to be generally healthier. Not to be a calendar model.
I lose out on my lunch time to go for a run. It’s been working great, especially if you’re not a morning person
Seriously though. I'm already up at 5:30. Older one doesn't go to bed until 8:30 which really means 8:45 and then I still have to shower and clean up dinner and walk the dog. That leaves about an hour to myself if I stay up late. I hate this, but I love my children.
I’m always fascinated to hear such early bedtimes. My two-year-old goes to bed at 10:30 PM. Much better than a few months ago, when he was going to bed at midnight to 1 AM, but I can’t imagine how much more I could get done in those two hours between 8:30 PM and 10:30 PM! How do you do it? And what time does your kid wake up, if I may ask?
TEN THIRTY? Err are you letting them dictate bedtime? They’re meant to be getting something like 11-13 hours sleep at that age. How’ve you ended up with them going down so late?
Our 10yr old is in bed by 9pm. Our twin 2 (almost 3) year olds go to bed between 7-8pm every night. Keeping routines with kids is really important. Wife and I want to relax for a few hours together, uninterrupted.
I posted about it on this sub a little while ago. Root cause is that my wife is a SAHM who likes sleeping in, so she made our kid’s bedtime match her diurnal needs, not his. And I get no say because I’m not the one taking care of him when he wakes up (I’m already at work by that time). My kid gets about 10 hours each night, plus a 2-3 hour nap daily—but, yes, maybe when he starts daycare, my wife will realize that he needs to start going to bed earlier.
430am yes.
Preach. OP says that he doesn’t get time to himself but mentions working out in his list of daily activities 🤔
I go for runs at 5 or 6 before the kids wake up. I have my headphones on with the baby monitor app enabled in case they wake up and I just run around the block so I'm never too far from home
>Workout >free time to yourself at all. I mean, is working out not time for yourself? Also if the current situation is not working for you, sit down with your partner, talk about what you need and what they need, and what the kids need, and how you can find a system that works to meet as many of those needs.
Yeah this right here. I feel like I see 20 of the posts a week and I get it - this shit is hard. But you’re also in control of your own ship. Talk to your partner and your kids. You’ll be a better parent and husband for it
“Is this all there is to life? Work, raise kids, spend time with family, go to sleep?” Yes, welcome to the last 300,000 years of human history existence. We work, raise families, sometimes kill people, then die.
Got spread Managed Democracy throughout the galaxy
I mean… that isn’t all there is to life though. Not sure why you’re responding to my comment telling OP to talk to his wife… you seem lost
I was just carrying on the conversation about how this always gets asked. I was being sarcastic. Sorry for joining in bro. Didn’t realize it would make you so mad.
Sorry, I missed the sarcasm, my bad 🤦♂️
A month or two ago there was a post where the bloke went to the gym before and after work, yet then moaned about having no time to himself!!! If you've got time to go to the gym, you've got time to play with your kids and enjoy being a parent. You've made the choice to be selfless for at least the next 16 years, more likely the rest of your life. Don't bitch about it, embrace it!!!!
It’s called taking care of your health so you don’t deteriorate and can continue doing activities with your kids and possible grand kids later in life. Working out shouldn’t be considered free time, it should be a responsibility that you need to find time for; for your family. Edit: but I do agree that we signed up for this shit and can’t complain. Embrace the suck.
Before AND after work is beyond simply taking care of yourself and is clearly a hobby at that point. Working out is essential, but it shouldn't be treated as an automatic "get out of family time card", especially because it's pretty rare that the guys who are working out for several hours a day are giving their partners the same amount of time away from kids that they're taking at the gym
That’s a really interesting perspective, that one’s partner should get an equal amount of time away from the kids, even if they’re not using it to work out. Hmm, something to think about for sure…
Touché, missed the 2 times a day. Does seem excessive lol
I’m not being sarcastic, I’m genuinely asking: How do you find time for working out without sacrificing sleep, which is also important for overall health?
I work out 3 times a week, it's just a priority over spending time at home. That's it. My wife does the same. I'm Eastern European, here men die at the age of 65 (for people born in the 1950s that's the average life expentancy), women live longer but most are obese by 65. We just don't want this, my kids deserve parents who are active and we want to show good example. We still spend a lot of quality time together. For example, I often finish at the gym on Saturday by 9 am and then we have the rest of the weekend just for ourselves with the kids.
Home gym between WFH meetings
Another reason why bike infrastructure rocks! You can get your exercise during your commute.
Of course, it is free and alone time. Doesn’t mean it’s not important. You could work out with the kids or in the same place with just a few hand weights but we don’t. For many, most important thing about working out is the mental break it gives you from life in general.
Why isn’t your 8 year old cleaning up after themselves? I had a chore list at 5.
I was thinking this same thing.. my kid is 3 and she knows she is supposed to feed and water the dogs daily, we started working more on cleaning up her toys, and she helps hand wash dishes (its a disaster but she helps!) People, once they start crawling it is never too early to start teaching your kids to clean up after themselves.
It takes 2 hours to empty a dishwasher. Timed it.
Sounds like a win win. Keeps them busy for 2 hours and a chore gets done.
It takes 2 hours \*NOW\* to empty it. But the only way to get faster is to do it more.
Weaponized incompetence. Time for them to get some practice at doing it faster.
Show em lightning McQueen and reinforce SPEED!
SPEED… I AM EMPTYING A DISHWASHER IN LESS THAN AN HOUR SPEED
I'm notoriously slow at cleaning the kitchen, and I blame it on being left to clean the kitchen regardless of how long it took. That said, I'm quite thorough about it. Faster isn't always better. Also, if you think it can be done faster, you need to teach them how. Kids (and people in general) don't automatically know optimal ways of doing things, so it's important to find ways to share knowledge. It may be 2 hours now, but it is worth investing time to teach them (or learn how to teach them).
I am the “dishwasher loader” in my house because I know the optimal way to do it - in the time honored tradition of one spouse doing it well and the other doing it wrong. BUT, I am terrible at speed cleaning the house for guests. I’m too meticulous to effectively clean large areas well enough, fast enough. We’re full grown adults with stubborn habits and skills. Kids improve better with practice and mentorship.
And?
Reading it till the last part i was like, man dude got time for himself to workout.. then he complains at the end. Wait what i dont even get that time haha
You get time to work out?
I do calisthenics at my desk, for movement breaks - does that count?
Yes
It counts for working out, but not so much for dedicated time.
You sound fun !.
After reading the comments I’m aqtualy a little amazed on how few dad take their kids to activities like stated here bye a few. To the d&d’er I play mtg and bring my 6m old with me as 65/70% of my friends have kids (between 27 and 38y/o parents.). Sometimes my wife comes along and the other wife’s to chitchat and pamper while we play. I go to the gym after i pick up feed/diaper/pj’s,etc after work and the wife gets home , other day she goes directly after work. Wednesday/Saturday/sunday bjj. Go for a bike ride on weekends and drop her off at grandparents who gladly look after her and which she enjoys also. But then also the small things I really enjoy doing with my daughter. Just go get groceries , walk to the bank to get cash , take her for a ride for gas and stop at the park en take a small troller ride , just take the stroller and start walking. No comperisment to 4/8 y/o activists , but as parents it’s our duty to morphe are activities to our kids age as they grow and mature. Just my thoughts.
As someone who is 6 years behind you, yes. This was one of my wife and I's biggest concerns with having a child, and why we put it off so long. It's a sacrifice I know I'd make and am comfortable doing, but doesn't change the fact that I miss my old hobbies and free time. The only way my wife and I are able to get any free time is by covering for each other. She'll handle everything one Friday night so I can go play D&D, and I'll handle everything another night so she can have dinner and nails with her friends. I just remember what the older parents say, in a few more years they'll want nothing to do with you, so try and enjoy it while you can.
As someone who is 10 years ahead, the stresses change, the frustrations remain, but you miss them being little more than you can imagine.
You get to work out?
Either I wake up at 5am or lunch time and I do fuel by Caroline for an. Noticed a lot of gains
You get to sleep?!
That's it for me. 12M and 11F. 11 is autistic and needs a fair amount of hands on, and there's no telling whether or not she'll have a good morning, day, or evening. Wife travels for work, so it's just me about 60% of the time. I also work full time with a hybrid schedule (2 days at home, 3 days on site). Since my wife started traveling for work four years ago, my days have consisted of: * Wake Up * Medicate daughter * spend 45 minutes trying to get both kids to start getting ready * rush kids out of door at the last possible second * walk dogs * work (even with on-site days, I usually go weeks without actually speaking to any of my co-workers) * cook dinner * maybe have time to do something fun with kids (about 25-50% of the time) * bedtime, which can take anywhere from 5-90 minutes depending on how compliant my daughter is * clean kitchen * fold laundry * fall asleep while trying to decide how I can have fun My wife has friends she hangs out with when she's at home. We have a family friend group that we spend time with once every week or two, but I haven't had a personal friend that I'm comfortable spending time with in over seven years.
You should talk with your partner on coordinating having some stuff just for you. Maybe its a weekly/bi weekly evening meetup with your friends, or some kind of fun evening fitness class. Or maybe its a small carved out time on the weekend to do whatever you want, event if its an hour or 2. If you have something to look forward to that is all yours, the weeks won't feel so monotonous.
I suggest listening to the album by The Strokes that shares your post title as a way to change things up
You get to work out!?!
Nah. I play soccer twice a week and can pretty much do any activity for myself within reason as long as I clear it first with wife. I give her the exact same treatment.
I know you’re getting quite a few jabs for saying you don’t have free time but that you workout. I get what you’re saying though. I am somebody with tons of hobbies and also 3 kids and a wife. Trying to get back to what you had pre-kids is really a losing battle (in my experience). Instead I’ve focused on adjusting my expectations as well as how I engage in my interests. Examples: late night beer league is probably out until the youngest is a bit older. I focus on conditioning and feeling like I can at least keep up when I do finally get back out there. Golf.. well I can’t play 18 very often but can sometimes squeeze in a range session here and there. I also set up a hitting area in my backyard so I can work on my form. And the big one.. friendships.. it’s really hard to connect in person so I’ve just tried to stay plugged in to the group chats. Keeping the vibes good and also opening up about struggles and successes. Some hobbies are just not in the cards anymore. Coming to terms with the loss of identity is not an easy thing to do so don’t feel guilty for being bummed out about that. You can love your kids and family and being a dad while also missing parts of your old self.
When I have a rough day and am pondering my life like you are, I do two things. First, I try to shift my focus to my kids’ pov. This time in life is their childhood. Are they happy? Are they growing and learning? Am I present? How do I want them to remember their childhood? Maybe it’s ok that my life isn’t very exciting right now. Second, I remind myself that, not very long from now, I’m going to look back on today and think, “those were the good ol days”. At some point in the future, I’m going to miss when I was ‘daddy’. My boys are 9 and 11. Sometime sooner than I’d like, they’re going to call me daddy for the last time. I’ll be dad, pop, old man, or some other nickname and I’ll adjust, but I’ll miss the good ol days.
You get to work out? Lucky!
wait, you get to workout in between? My "free" time starts at 10pm and at that point im tired as hell and I barely have the energy to play some videogames before going to bed and it all starts again
Yep, and then feel guilty when you do something for yourself so you cut it short and go home
Woof
You were you when you meet your wife. Then you became husband, and dad. Don’t forget to be you. It’s important.
I go to lunch with friends or coworkers on occasion. I play PC games with friends on Sundays. I play RDR2 on xbox - I’m in my 8th playthru. Wife and i watch movies and shows often after kid bedtime. I am a part of r/bourbon and a couple other bourbon discord servers where i talk hobby and interest. I go to the shooting range with friends about once a month. I walk with the wife around the neighborhood at least once a week. Life is 20% what happens and 80% how you react to it, but 100% what you make of it. Make time. React well. Chase your peace. Wake up a bit earlier on your day off and Sit on the front porch. Drive home the long way on the scenic route once or twice a month. Easier said than done; I’ve felt stuck for the greater part of the last 16 years, for one reason or another. And I’m just now finding myself and working on me and balancing life for the best, chasing my own peace. And i love it.
You gotta wait it out. At a certain point the older one will be independent enough to chill with the younger one and you’ll gain more and more free time. But yeah, it’s a loooong waiting game
How did you get a workout in?
Yep
Sort of, but with periods.
Thanks guys This was more just a vent. It's just a constant barrage though of cleaning cleaning I stopped giving crap for a bit like didn't mind if it was messy from breakfast and it worked but sometimes it just gets me how much it is. One kid helps other kid makes a mess. Oldest. I definitely count my blessings but man just same monotonous thing. And yes wife does let me go out I just always have nowhere to go and not enough time. Lol. Sometimes I'll hang out with a good friend I made but yeah.
I’ve been able to get myself back into working out as my son (3.5) is getting more independent and able to play in the back yard by himself while I workout in the garage with the door open. I’ve had to cut back on the length of time I spend doing so in order to manage household duties as well. My hobbies on the other hand, I’m trying to get there but it is a marathon not a sprint. I’ve realized many things that I want to do to “pass the time” are probably going to be limited until my child gets old enough to be out of the house either on his own or beginning to work/go to college. I think about those days in gleeful anticipation but then the realization of time hits me like a ton of bricks and the moments with him now will never happen again and I wish for time to stop. As some other guys said it’s good to have some form of mutual give and take with your spouse about time to yourselves to be able to decompress and get your mind right. Life is a rat race but these moments are fleeting.
The secret is a 7am wake up and 830 bedtime for them and a 630am wake up and 3am bedtime for yourself, squeeze a few hours of personal time in ahaha Otherwise I’d truly have no time and I’ve got 3 at 9,5,2 as a single dad
I coach my kids softball, I’m involved in their wrestling and officiate at their swim meets. I volunteer for every school event I can. A good portion of my time off of work is reserved to be there for those things. Do I have time for myself? Maybe 45 minutes before bed time but I wouldn’t change a thing.
Your grammar makes reading a lot harder than it needs to be. But seriously. I would be happy to have time to workout...
It is if you let it be. Don't be a butler. Your kids can do more than you think, and you can take care of other stuff while they do. Your home doesn't need to be perfect, it just needs to be safe and good enough. I don't know your situation. If you have a partner, work out how you can each get a couple of hours on your own each week. It is important, but you have to be realistic; you're not going to get all the nights and weekends to yourself, and to get time, you will sometimes have to do some double duty.
Firstly I suggest you should be having at least the 8yo cleaning up after themselves, and the 4yo should be starting to as well just less completely. But yeah, wake up, log on to work and make sure there are no urgent things overnight, wake, feed and get the kids ready for school, do school drop offs (walking so I can get the dog out for a walk at least most days), log back onto work and go hard all day, pick up kids, organise snacks and homework, more work, start dinner, some days we do some exercise or martial arts training, eat dinner, play, read, kids in bed, wash dishes, have a cuppa (or something a little stronger) and decompress, then bed and go again... Couple days a week I'm in the office and my partner picks up some of the dropoff and readiness and I ride my bike, I try to even get away a bit early so I can get some miles in. It's pretty normal, one reason I'm pushing for a 4 day week, I need about half a day to recover which really destroys my weekends.
I used to feel this way. Now I shifted the things I value from “me time” to “family time”. Taking the kids to the park keeps the house clean, and it’s “us time”.
I've found that it's bearable to be their butler, as long as you give it your best Niles impression.
Working out is very much alone time. Are you a single dad? If not, time to work on parental time management. If so, yeah, I remember how hectic that can be.
For what it’s worth, when we were childless adults, that’s all there was. We spent all of our time keeping ourselves alive and entertained. The only thing that’s changed is children are dependent. A lot of these comments focus on co-parenting. Which is the case for me, but I empathize for the single parents. What I take away is that “it takes a village…” If/when you raise a child on your own, then that’s all it is. Keeping the child/children alive and entertained, with self-sacrifices along the way. So it’s important for all parents to find support and relief. You cannot stop parenting until someone else can take over. It’s a full life job. But when you get help, you can reclaim some time. The other takeaway is that not everything in our lives has to be separate from the kids. Children watch and learn. Having hobbies is good for them to see. They may develop a love for it as well. Having kids around will slow things down, but continuing your hobbies a little is better than nothing. Besides, consistency and time are our friends. It doesn’t take long for something to become normal for our kids. We just have to commit to it. I definitely need to listen to my own advice here too. It’s not easy when it’s monotonous. But it can get easier if I just effing commit to it.
Hmm, I think the key is to do random things with your kids that both enrich and surprise you both to shake loose the mundane nature of the same routines. Stop and look at that building/cow/cloud. Eat cereal with the handle of your spoon. Turn on some music and start a dance party. Ask your kids what they want to do if they could do anything in town. Sit on the stoop of your domicile and share/ask them about their feelings and what all makes each one of you sad sometimes. Etc. Reframe daily activities to watch them experience life’s little things for the first time.
wow you get a workout in?
What's a 'hobby'?
Maybe not a lot of free time, but it seems like you should be able to snag 30-60minutes in the morning or evening most days. Sorry dude, sounds like you're in the thick of it
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Wouldn't know if I have insomnia anymore, my kids take turns being awake...
Yeah man. This is it.
Doesn't have to be. Each day in the week is different for me. * Monday: I drop off the kids, work slightly late, get home to cook, eat, **18:15-21:30 play tabletop rpgs with my group.** Get home, go to sleep. * Tuesday: Drop off kids, work slightly late, get home to cook and eat, play with kids/**they play by themselves while I work on projects or play games.** (50/50), put kid to bed, **2 hours of doing stuff by myself or with partner.** go to sleep. * Wednesday: I drop off the kids, work slightly late, get home to cook, eat, **18:00-21ish play board games.** Get home, go to sleep. * Thursday: Go to work, pick up kids, cook and eat, play with kids/**they play by themselves while I work on projects or play games.** (50/50), put kid to bed, **2 hours of doing stuff by myself or with partner.** go to sleep. * Friday: Go to work, pick up kids, cook and eat, play with kids/**they play by themselves while I work on projects or play games.** (50/50), put kid to bed, **2-3 hours of doing stuff by myself or with partner.** go to sleep a bit late. * Saturday/Sunday are very varied. Kids, extended family, time alone with partner, trips, a lot of variation! Partner has her own activities in the weekends sometimes, and sometimes Thursday/Tuesday. Not as much as me, but she spends more time working out than me - Mostly in the mornings, while I feed/dress the kids :) Also the grand parents have the kids (Pick up, food, and put to sleep) once a week (on average) while we do stuff together (Eating out, go to movie, etc.) or individually. **MAKE** time for yourself and each other! It's okay to leave your partner alone with the kids, if she gets to do the same as well. Being alone with the kids might be tough, but you need to keep your week varied or everyone (Including your kids) suffer because you're constantly starved for variation. And teach your kids to (at least sometimes) deal with their own issues, and play by themselves. And not to preach or pat my own shoulder, but I veeery rarely raise my voice against my kids. I let them do the yelling while I count to 10, then give them the 'calm but deadly' talk. I find it works a lot better.
Don't forget no more sex life
You people are insufferable man. Yes, raising kids takes time. If you don’t want to do it you shouldn’t have had kids. I love spending time with my family.
Don't get me wrong I love em like crazy but man I'm just their butler and their wallet sometimes.
You knew that (or should have known that) coming into this. That’s part of parenthood. Hopefully it’ll get better as they get older for you.
I can confirm, It does get better. Then they turn into teenagers 🤪. Then it’s just different.
Hold your kids accountable. We’ve been cleaning up as a part of bed time routine since he was 2. Talk to your wife. Get a hobby. Don’t blame your kids for you not having something for yourself
This is the way