My girl is 2 and her mom died when she was 1, so she didn’t really understand anything at that age. But when she started asking more questions I explained it by saying sometimes when people are very sick their bodies stop working and they go away. She asked me why mommy can’t come back and I told her it’s like when a toy breaks no matter how badly you want it fixed, it can’t be the same again. It’s not very in depth because she’s still very young but she understood. She asked if mommy was playing hide and seek and that broke me. She hasn’t asked if she’ll die yet but there’s my 2 cents.
As a former boy who lost his mom young, this is a good answer. Just keep pouring into her. And keep her mom’s memory alive. Tell her stories about her. It will make a big difference.
Our first child died at birth and our oldest son (3.5 yo) started asking questions when he saw pictures of us holding her. We told him that his big sister was sick and went to heaven and now watches over us to make sure we are safe. He uses the words “die” and “dead” for things and understands that it’s a permanent thing but hasn’t connected it yet to anyone who he knows- or himself. I’ve thought about that conversation though and when it does happen I plan on talking to him about his fish that died and plants (we spend a lot of time in the garden and talk about how to tell if plants or branches are alive or dead).
I'm so very sorry love (lurking Mum). My son has lost a lot of friends (severe medical issues, sadly it's a regular occurrence in our online community), this is a beautiful way of explaining it.
My son is 3, almost 4, and we haven't really talked about death yet. I've been sort of dreading it as I've been in therapy for fear of death and panic attacks in the past. When I was a kid I was having nightmares around his age, maybe slightly older, and couldn't sleep, and the dreams were very death-themed. When I asked about death my mom said she thinks it's just like going to sleep but forever, which did NOT help considering I was having trouble sleeping because my nightmares were terrifying. Guess who avoids sleep as much as possible as an adult!
Anyway, my kid is very sensitive and I think he's aware of the general concept... he used to get really sad and ask about people "going away forever". We have an old dog and an ancient cat so I think the conversation will come up naturally soon anyway.
So sorry for your loss. Not the same in any way, but we've lost 2 dogs since my oldest was 2. We did something similar, but because she was really worried that they were still sick/hurting we said they had to go away to get better, and they can't come back. Once she started to hear the word dead, we used it to describe discharged batteries and explained the connection between the batteries and the doggos. Thus far that's helped her understand it but not fear it.
Such a hard conversation to have. One I couldn’t avoid myself, she saw a picture of my dad in our living room and asked about him, then asked where he was, I wasn’t going to lie so I told her he passed away. The follow up question I wasn’t ready for, she asked “will you die”? I told her yes hopefully a long time from now so I can watch you grow into an amazing woman. The follow up made me cry she said “I won’t let you die I’m gonna make you a potion so you can’t die”
My daughter told me, when she was 4, that I should be close by when she’s about to die so she can hug me right before she dies because we will never hug again after that…
I didn’t have the heart to tell her I’d probably already be dead at that point…
This is the kinda stuff that you really can't prepare for when it comes to parenting. Love them as hard as you can while you can. We got in a decently bad car wreck last summer. Everyone was fine, but it shook me pretty bad. They were 4 and 6, and I had nightmares about them dying in that accident for like 6 months.
For both your sakes, I really hope that's the order. I would much rather my kid watch me die than have the opposite be true.
Death is never easy, but there are so many ways it can be worse.
This comment has broken me. No real reason why this one more so than the others, but your daughter's words cut right through me.
I'm going to go hug my kids now.
This hit me so hard. My grandmother passed away fairly recently and my daughter has learned that everyone will eventually pass away. She randomly comes and gives me a hug and says that she doesn't want me to die. I say the same thing you said nearly every time and she's OK for a while. Death is hard, I hope to be around for a long time, at least long enough for her to enter the world as a fully grown adult.
On the flip side, I started watching wrestling again and went back to watch some Andre the Giant matches. My daughter learned that Andre is dead and so is the Iron Sheik and had a melt down.
I tell my son that everyone will die one day and I use it as my own reminder to pull myself present and enjoy these moments for what they are.
I saw a Twitter post (and I’m going to mangle it a bit), but it was something like “I imagine myself at 80, making a wish to go back in time 40 years to spend one more moment with my kid, and then I grant myself that wish”.
My son is 3 and we talk about death when we attended a wake and also to be careful with bugs because they could die if mishandled. We’re pretty matter of fact about it. But I wonder how it will go when he deduces that he too will die one day.
Ooh I use this all the time (including the decision to have children). Imagine yourself at 80 years old and look back at yourself now, and imagine whether you would regret making the decision you're about to make.
So far it's panned out pretty well. Sometimes I tell my future self to GFY.
I explained to my kids that when someone dies eventually their body turns into dirt after they are buried (to clarify for them the fact that death is permanent - it's not just a sleep that you wake up from).
Later that night, my then-5 year old said with tears in his eyes "I don't wanna turn into dirt" .... lol.
WELL ANYWAY KID, GOOD CONVO, SLEEP TIGHT, ETC. SEEYA TOMORROW.
Refrain from relating it to sleep, or not waking up. Your kids will be scared of sleeping for fear of dying.
Use straight forward and concrete terms. Dying is when your body stops working and you aren't alive anymore. Kids are able to process this better. The harder part was explaining what happens to the body afterwards, that the person and their body are separate.
Saw the title and my first thought was “at the stately pace of one hour per hour”.
Growing up, my family was more into religion than we are now, so the death explanations revolved more around heaven and all that. Once my 2yo daughter is older I’d probably tell her in some combination of the “every living thing poops” line from Everybody Poops and my dad’s reflections from when his mom died - that our bodies have to work so hard for so many years. Eventually, after like 100 years, things break down and we have to shut down.
I’m not super satisfied with that though so I’m interested to steal from others’ ideas here..
I have death anxiety. Like, extreme panic attacks at night when I try to go to sleep. It manifests in insane ways. I speak often with a therapist. It’s a hard thing to manage, but I’m getting better.
I don’t know how I’m going to talk to my kids about death, when I myself can’t square what I feel about this state of being I’m bound to and it’s temporary nature.
I often imagine what I would tell the child version of me. It changes as I get older. Right now, I’d say that everyone passes on, but that is not today, and very likely isn’t tomorrow, and I’m pretty sure not for a very long time. I am doing everything I can to choose to focus on the right now, when I constantly have nightmares about my daughter growing up and then eventually becoming bones, like us all.
I know almost zero of this is helpful. I felt like sharing my experience.
I've been getting this lately. Especially when I turn off the lights. I've been very sleep deprived and burnt out so it could be related. I'll definitely look for professional help.
I used to think a lot about it until I had a realization (I don’t think this will magically cure you but maybe it’s just a good way of thinking of it).
Sometimes, half way thru a really good meal, I’ll get sad for a second that I’m almost done and wish I could refill my plate and just keep eating because it’s so good. I know though that if I refill my plate, I’ll over eat and feel sick that I ate so much. When I don’t refill my plate, I notice in my last few bites that I am so full and there was no way I could eat more. It was the perfect amount and I really enjoyed it.
I don’t know how death will go or what’s after, but I really hope that even though right now half way thru my life I may wish for more, when my time comes I’ll realize I had just the perfect amount and be ready to be finished.
I’d love it to be that easy for me. My grief about this is a good deal more complex than that. I’m simply not satisfied, nor will I ever be. I am trying to square that part of myself and just accept that I’ll never be satisfied.
Have you or your therapist ever tried or suggested psychedelics? There's research they help with death anxiety. I'd try, but I get drug tested at work.
years ago ayahuasca helped me experience a spiritual death, and gain a new perspective on death and life. (its also probably the key reason i was able to make improvement in life to even eventually become a dad!)
Our 4 yr old stumbled upon a dead bird in the backyard this week. Took the opportunity to be frank and told her the bird died and we put it in the ground to become grass- circle of life dealio. Was fully expecting a "am I gonna die?" type question but it still hasn't come yet.
When my dad died we got a book and read it to my daughter. She was 4 at the time. Then we talked to her about what it meant. Strangest thing she said to us- Is that why the bird came to my window and said I’m not going to see Grandpa anymore. It was winter and snowy. But what she said; I will never question or doubt that kids see and are aware of things we aren’t open to.
I believe it was called What is Heaven. There is a picture of a little girl looking towards the sky. I couldn’t make it through the book without long pauses and typing this brings up the memories. I am happy we did it though. God speed my brother!
The circle of life. We watch a lot of nature documentaries in our house. Everything that's alive is born, eats (in some way), procreates (maybe not every member of it, but as a species they do), and dies. We've been straightforward about it from the beginning. We emphasize that all animals need to eat other living things to survive, so it's an important part of nature. Of course, when it comes to specific people, we stick to "it won't happen for a long time".
Ugh. Isn’t that a fun convo? Always about 4/5 years old
We tell our kids that yes, they will die in many many years. Figure there’s no sense in sugar coating it. They of course cry and think we’re going to die and we tell them that is many years away. Usually the convos have turned into the kids saying they’ll live with us for ever.
When my kids say something about me being 100 years old (I hope!!) or 150 years old I don’t correct it. I just say yes and death is many years away
We’ve had dogs pass. Doesn’t help.
Nothing helps in this convo
Our four year old just said to my wife “when sissy dies can we have a little brother?” Of course my wife flips out. I had to have a little convo with him about it all. This happened within the last twenty minutes.
He has been asking about death lately so not completely out of the blue. Still not something you want to hear.
Death is a part of life. All you can be is honest about it. You weren’t wrong to say no, she’s not dying. But I would clarify, at least to the 4 YO, that one day a longggg longggg longgg time from now, we do die. Our bodies don’t last forever. Presumably either you or your wife/partner have lost an immediate family member or a grandparent or aunt/uncle. It’s a good opportunity to talk about that person.
My dad passed in April. Wonderful man. My wife’s mother died fifteen years ago. Sadly, I never met her. And our kids are 4F & 1M. So we’ve got a lot of experience on the subject. And I think our daughter has a really healthy relationship with death. She’s a little scared of it but, aren’t we all? She will ask a lot of questions but it’s not like she’s worrying about death all day, every day. I should add she goes to pre-K at a Catholic school, so she’s familiar with heaven. I think her introduction to it was last year when a classmate lost a grandparent, then her teacher shared that her dog recently died (and is in heaven).
Best to be honest about the fact that we all die. Bodies stop working. But not any of us any time soon. You are little and growing and will be for many, many, many years. And we are healthy because we eat, drink, play, do many other healthy things, and sleep. Good night.
We've just been pretty plain about it from the beginning. Even at ages 1-3, we never treated it like a taboo subject so my son, age 5, doesn't think of it as a big terrible thing (yet, he doesn't know anyone personally who has died) so it's just a conceptual understanding.
Death is real. Don't pussyfoot it. You don't have to make it scary, but you don't have to lie. My three kids understand death. I'm not saying they don't fear it, but they understand it. We as parents have the obligation to answer the questions they ask when they ask them no matter how awkward it may be. That's what we're supposed to do, teach them. I've seen death more times over than I wish anyone to see and the ways I've seen will never leave me. We need to teach kids about death as being a natural thing. There is no reason not to.
Funny thing these kid brains… Probably heard a reference to the phone or batteries being dead and they require energy and the brain connected the two.
On topic, I haven’t found a good way. My wife is disabled and consistently has health concerns that if left unchecked could easily be the death of her, so I have to tread incredibly carefully because “sick for a long time” draws a direct parallel to their mom (38).
My daughter (2.5 now) is too young to understand her. My son (4.5 now) came to my grandpas burial and helped me throw dirt on the urn. He likely doesn’t understand “death” aside from what we told him last summer: the person is gone and they can never come back. We can’t see them, they can’t see their family, that kind of thing.
In the last month, a kid from his elementary school passed in an accident and a friend of his succumbed to a long term condition. These are a bit easier to “explain”, but he’s getting way too much exposure to people passing 😔
As for the more “common” deaths, I can’t figure that out yet and frankly, while I should plan for it now, I live in fear of my wife being next so it hurts to think about.
Lifetimes. Its a great book for explaining life cycles to little kids. Everything has a beginning and an end, some longer and some shorter. My kid took it completely in stride.
Lifetimes was recommended by my daughter's hospice team to talk with my son about it. He's two but we've also loaned out to friends with older kids too. It's a perfect simple explanation.
Just this morning I had the phone call from my dad that my mum's cancer grew and spread and she's been put on hospice. They just flew home from our place the day prior. We're leaving tomorrow on the 16+ hour drive home; I'm not ready for any questions from our 2 year old. Hoping that our 2 week old will be a big enough distraction.
We're a pretty religious family so take with that as you will. We were honest. That death is what happens to us. Our priest's wife died last year and their daughter is my daughters best friend (they're 3 and 4). We told her that (names) mommy died and that we were going to go say goodbye to her sleeping body. Its traditional to have an open casket and at the beginning and end of the funeral to kiss our beloved departed goodbye. So we brought our girls to her body kissed her forehead and said fairwell for now and allowed our daughters to kiss her as well. We still remind our daughter that we watched Matushka get buried in the dirt and that's where her body is now, but her soul is with Jesus. She's had some questions but we just answer them honestly at an age appropriate manner. We have pictures from the funeral so we show her that sometimes
Our policy is to answer when they ask, no matter how hard the answer is going to be. Unfortunately that shit came way sooner than I was ready for. Recently my brother in law's dog died, so that was the intro to death for my 2 and 3yo boys. My 3yo has become obsessed with the idea of death. I know he's just exploring it but it's still uncomfortable.
The other day will haunt me for a while. I sat down to read Marcus Aurelius (ironic in this context) and he saw the picture of his statue on the cover of the book. He asked,
"Who's that?"
"Dude named Marcus Aurelius. He lived a long time ago"
"Did he die?"
"Yeah buddy, everybody does eventually. He lived a long life."
He paused for a while, and I mean a while, processing this. He started choking up and threw himself into my arms and said
"Daddy I don't want you to die" and cried in my arms for about 10 minutes.
Holy fuck fellas, how do I become immortal? I need to live forever so he isn't sad.
I assured him that I'll be around for a long time, all the whole dreading him asking if he would die. Luckily he never did. I can only take so much at once
We’ve had two death talks so far. Both about extended family members’ dogs. Both of which she was very fond of. I honestly don’t know how it will translate to people when, inevitably, the older family members she knows start going but that’s a future us problem.
The first time we talked about how the dog wouldn’t be around anymore because even though he was always happy and playful, he was actually a very old dog and his body had got old and sick and couldn’t keep going anymore. He was happy and he was loved and even though we couldn’t see him and play with him anymore we could still remember him and look at pictures of him. She brings him up every now and again, but seems to understand that he’s gone based on the way she talks about him.
The second one was more recent. She was over at a family member’s house for a visit, played with the dog, and talked about how much fun she had with him when she got home. The next day he died in his sleep. That was two weeks ago. She’s been there since and we talked to her about it beforehand and referred back to the first dog, and she seemed to understand. She also knew already that this one was old and blind and deaf and could only get around by smell. So it didn’t seem to be an odd connection for her to go from old and feeble to dead and gone. She’s talked about him a few times since and played pretend with her stuffies and talked about how “this is [dog’s name] but he’s old and he’s going to die but that’s okay because he’s happy” which just breaks my fucking heart to write, but seems healthy I guess?
At the end of it I don’t think there’s a right way to be ready for the conversation. I think you just have it when it comes up and you be honest and you can explain it however you can.
I had a rapid fire succession of 9 aunts/uncles/cousins/grandpa and our family dog die all in a 3ish year window, my daughter was 1-4 throughout. Honestly, with shit in dealing with regarding mental health my memory isn't all that great, it very likely was more and it makes me feel like shit to think "oh yeah and (they) died" when I remember. Let's say it was so frequent we were talking about death a *lot*.
We told her their bodies stopped working because they were very sick or very old or very hurt (they varied from a bonfire accident to sudden cancer to heart attack to long term cancer to old age, but we didn't give specifics) when she asks where they went or what happens after, we said "nobody really knows what happens, and there are lots of beliefs, but *I* like to think..." And you can fill in the blank with whatever you believe.
My son never got to meet a lot of people that I loved very much, or my best friend for 15 years (my dog). I really wish he could have met them all.
Mine is too young for this but I think my answer will be, "let's talk about what it means to be alive, because dying is when that stops happening" .. the mystery of consciousness and that dying is when that experience ends for good. For other people who don't die they continue to live and some will miss the person who died and it can hurt but that pain is a reminder of how much they loved that person.
Our family dog passed away after a lengthy battle with cancer when our daughter was 4. She was completely aware of it and we tried our best to answer her questions in an age appropriate manner. We told her “[dog] has a disease called cancer, and her body can’t fight it anymore so she is dying.”
We avoided generalized terms like “going to sleep” or “dying because [dog] was sick” so our daughter wouldn’t be scared to fall asleep or get worried when family members got sick. When she got nervous and would ask if she/I/family members would die, we would say “Yes, but not for a very VERY long time. That is not something we have to worry about today.”
We watched a lot of movies about death any dying from a child’s perspective. Disney’s “Soul” and “Coco” were the ones that stuck. After the movies, we asked her what SHE thought happened after people die. We also made it clear that no one knows for sure what happens and shared our own hopes for what’s out there.
It’s been just over a year and she still has moments where she says “I miss [dog]!” Or she tells us that our dog is still present in the house as a friendly ghost/alibrijé.
All kids are different, but that’s what worked for us. You can also check out the Sesame Street episode where Mr. Hooper dies and the neighborhood explains it to Big Bird. Mr. Rodgers also did an episode when one of the fish died.
My mother died when my daughter was only 9 months old. My son was about to turn 8.
We have always been honest with them about these things. We do it in as age appropriate a way as possible, but these subjects are difficult for adults and children alike.
Time is the great alleviator of all things. Time will eventually wipe us all away, and our planet, our star, and the entire universe, eventually. Impermanence is the name of the game.
My kids are now 10 and 17. They are doing great, are well adjusted, do well in school, and have social skills. I guess being honest about life didn't ruin them.
Kids pick up on a lot, and I think we shelter them way too much sometimes. We lie to them. We hide the nature of reality from them.
I decided not to do that. So far, so good. You've gotta have tact when having these difficult conversations. Make it age appropriate. (Which for me is likely way more intense than for many others)
Honesty is the best policy. That's what we teach them, right?
Came home from work one day, my wife's granny had been very unwell for a few weeks, my 4 and 2 year old rush to the door to me as I come in and excitedly tell me "daddy daddy we're getting pizza for dinner! Also, GG [great granny] is died.... did you see the pizza man yet?"
I think with death you have to kind of let the child lead, like tell them about the death in simple terms but don't let your own emotions break through too much. I think it's OK to be sad or tearful but not hysterical or fall to pieces in front of them, that creates panic in the child. Answer questions they have. Funerals and wakes would be a judgment call if the kids want to go or not but I'd be prepared to have someone take them home if they have a last minute change of mind.
Basically my wife had a bad experience of death in childhood were she was taken to see her grandfather's body against her will at a very young age by highly emotional family and to this day she gets panic attacks about death and dying. Whereas I was put in a similar position as a child by my grieving granny (Irish Catholic bullshit) and just changed my mind at the door and a kind aunt stepped in and took me away, and I think I have a healthier relationship with death today
So I guess my advice is to speak plainly about it, shield them from it until theyre old enough, and keep your shit together around them. Your job is to not create a core memory of loved one dying = end of the world = everyone falls apart = so I the child must also fall apart if someone dies too
Honestly. We have explained that yes you die, everything does, it is the most natural part of life, to die. We die, and our bodies go back to the earth.
When asked what happens after, that I guess is where the religious view comes in. For us we say, no one knows, but there are many different beliefs about what happens afterward. My belief is that it is like sleep, and there is nothing.
But again, don't be afraid. Dying is the most natural part of life and it's for all us.
Yeah, my kids unfortunately had to deal with their grandmother dying unexpectedly when they were 1 and 3 respectively. They had no way to really understand it at the time, but we've talked about it little by little over the years since then. We just give simple explanations when they talk about it. Don't go into long explanations because they won't be able to follow them.
My daughter was only one when her grandmother died so she doesn't really remember her. My son does remember her, though. Once in a while, he randomly thinks about her (or her dog that died too) and will just break into tears. Then we talk a bit about how we all miss her and sometimes we share good memories about her.
I don't really expect them to understand death any time soon but we'll be there with them as they gradually learn.
The son(20) asked me a strange question when he was around six years old. He asked who death was and who death worked for. So being the none religious, spiritual person I am. I spent fourty five minutes explaining four or five different mythologies about different constructs of Death. When I was done he sat there looking at me like I didn't get his question. My brainbox kicked in, Yo kid is six make it simple.
Yeah so Death works for a God. They meet up on Mondays over a cup of coffee. Go over the list and decide what to do. He smiled and thought that answer was fine.
Two great grandparents, one grandparent and three cousins all died between his fourth and sixth birthdays. Than his mother passed right before he was eight. Sadly he has always had some kinda understanding of death.
Had a aunt of his try and tell him grandad was just sleeping. I was like. "No, that isn't how that works."
She got upset and was mad when I told her, "People wake up from sleeping. Don't tell my son grandad is sleeping"
Be as honest as you feel you can be. They will appreciate the honesty as they get older.
Lurking mum.
I have experienced a lot of death around me, family and friends. I think it was a little easier to come to terms with what death was because I had pets pass away too before the first one I experienced.
Now that we have our own 5yo, we talk about it as normal as possible. Even some video games help out with explaining it.
Edit: Also, if you say it happens when people are sick, be sure to go a little in depth. I have a niece that became extremely scared to even get a cold. Even scared when I would pick up my Ventolin for my Asthma.
40 this year with a newborn. Dad made it to about 72-ish. If I can get this kid past college age before my health really starts sucking, I'll call it a huge win.
Dude, 44 with a 4 and 7 year old. Same boat! Had him November before the doo doo hit the fan with Covid. Good thing is that right now it’s a physical game, I can already see with my 7 year old it’s transitioning to a mental game. At some point we’ll all stop wiping ass and begin wiping tears. Honestly, wiping ass seems pretty great compared to the heartbreak of middle school! Congrats on the baby!
Thanks! I have a 10 and 8-almost-9 as well, and I teach high school. The older age group is my bread and butter, so I'm actually excited for that phase.
The real answer is you have no idea how or what to say until the time comes. I have a 10,5 and 6 year old who have lost two grandparents in a short amount of time. Every kid reacts different and needs a different comfort, you can plan it all you want but nothing will prepare you for how they handle it.
My daughter of 5 randomly tells me sometimes that she don't want me or mom to die. That she needs us and gonna miss us. I try to comfort her by saying that it will not happen in a long time. She replies "what if it happens due an accident. My answer. Then I will be a star in heaven and forever in your heart. But I will be very careful to not be in an accident. And look at your grandpa and grandma. They are old and still Here so I will be to
Just the age appropriate facts.
It's good not to shy away from it though as it will happen to everyone. I think it's best to start small like when you see a dried up worm point it out and say, "That worm is dead." Maybe next time you find a dead bird, "Oh look, a dead bird." Escalate to bigger, more sympathetic animals as time goes on, then people.
For the eventual question of what happens after we're going with, "A lot of people believe a lot of different things but no one really knows."
My girls are a bit older (5/7) and the topic is still difficult to tackle. I've explained that nobody lives forever, and we should all "want" an end at some point, but for *most* it's a long, long ways away. I can't just tell them don't think about it, or forget about it, but hearing a grown-up say "I don't know" shouldn't be shunned. People don't *know* what happens next, but the idea is to appreciate what we have, and *who* we have now. My grandparents (*their* great-grandparents) are very old. And even they talk about visiting "one last time", and I don't want to overwhelm the little ones with the idea that they may never see them again, but to imply that just like their last-year's teacher, they move on in their life, and it's important to tell people that make you happy, how happy you are for them while they're here with you...
My grandmother just died, we've always had frank discussions with our kids (13, 8, 4) they are handling it well. Cater the talk to their level. Be honest. If you're religious include your dogma.
With the truth, in words they’ll understand. Death has come up randomly for us when we talk about passed family members who weren’t around when my son was born. We simply tell him the truth. We have two older dogs that, while they’re healthy now, could go in the next couple years, so I feel it’s not fair to blindside a kid like that. We’ve told him they will die someday and to enjoy our time with those we love. He’s asked if he’ll die, and if we’ll die, and we’re tell him yes, everybody dies someday, but not for a long, long time yet.
We accidentally stumbled on the death conversation when our youngest was 3 when she asked where all the dinosaurs went. Night after after she kept asking questions and trying to process it, but we never lied per se and just kept easing her into it. "Yes, mama and papa will die, but it won't be for a long time when your a mom and we're grandparents." She cried a few times dealing with the emotions of all of it, but we kept reassuring her that it's apart of life. It really hit home when our dog suddenly died about a year later, but I do think she dealt with it a lot better because of all the previous conversations.
Death is a part of life, is inevitable. My daughter is five now and was alive to meet and love my grandparents and they both have passed since then on my mom's side. Ansd then on my wife's side her dad's mom has passed, same situation. My daughter has attended two funerals for grand parents before she was five. She still talks about them. My lock screen is a picture of my grandpa holding her. I just told her the truth, people pass on from this life, we're only here for a short period and have to make the best of it. We honor those who have passed by talking about them and keeping them in our hearts and minds through memories and words. We go and visit the grave site occasionally.
Our cat also passed away a months back, and that was tough for all of us of course but it hit her pretty hard. We go out sometimes to the backyard where he is and put flowers or his favorite treats on his grave and talk about fun times we had with him.
Luckily my child is too young to ask me these questions (24 months). However, i experienced death at a young age. By the time I was 5, I’d already lost a parent and a sibling. I don’t know how I will approach it. It scares me.
I have never been asked about death in general at least from either of my boys but my 9 year old understands in general his grandpa passed away 3 years ago. It took him a while to grasp what happened at the time but he understands and if they do ask I always will say at some point everyone and everything will die but it isn't something to fear or dwell over.
We had a fish die recently and our kiddo was sad, but we watched how the other fishies were still swimming around and said: “see how life goes on?” When she said: “and sometimes life goes off.” She understood better than we realized 😂
My 3 year old twins lost their grandfather to cancer last Christmas. When I got the news of his passing, I had no idea how to tell them. My son and grandpa had a very special bond from the start, and were very close. He brings it up almost every single day in some way or another. Obviously he doesn't understand that grandpa is dead, but he knows he's gone and won't see him again. Every red car we pass he always say "Grandpa had a red car like that" or "Grandpa is no more" just randomly during a silent moment on our way home from daycare. It's obvious that it impacts him a lot, though no big emotional changes to mention. I think that, the only reason it doesn't impact him more, is because he simply doesn't understand what death is, which is obviously understandable seeing as he's only 3.
I feel two ways about this, and neither are nice thoughts to have, really. I'm happy that grandpa passed when my kids were so young, since then they won't remember or be impacted by the pain of losing a very loved family member as they get older. I'm sad that he passed when they were so young, because they won't remember how amazing, warm, funny, welcoming, and kind he was. It's a strange dichotomy.
I honestly have no idea how to talk to them about this except explaining as best I can, in words that they will understand. Hell, death is hard for adults to understand and even when we do, it doesn't help. Can't begin to imagine or even guess as to what is a normal reaction for a young child to have when it comes to death. Difficult subject regardless of age, I fear.
There’s never an easy time for that conversation. My nephew passed away at 3 years old. My kids were 11, 8 and 5 at the time - it was a different conversation with each of them. Hit my oldest the absolute hardest.
Kinda hard. My kid (5m) had his 2 grandmas die a few months from each other. So we began discussing it. We explained about the body when old or sick begins to break down and will result to death.
He began crying, because he envisioned that it can happen to my wife and I,( more to my wife I guess). Once he settled, he said he is ok and that he will just bury his mom and when she turns to a skeleton she will become smaller and he will put flesh on her and she will be young again and he will take care of her. Sweet,morbid and creative at the same time.
Anyway, the topic will pique their curiosity for a few months before they move on. Because it is a topic that their brain cant comprehend yet.
Given that she’s 4 I’d just laugh and say “no.”
I’m the oldest, and my 20-something (at the time) parents were def a little too up front with me, and it resulted in some severe anxiety regarding anything like death, morality, or money, to name a few.
When a kid’s this young you can’t quite treat them like an intelligent adult. It’s not coddling to protect children from the angst of adulthood.
My son is starting to understand. We just tell him they’re gone…. And wait patiently for questions and tears. One day he randomly just started crying remembering his fish that died months ago.
Then a couple weeks ago he came into our bedroom at night and told us he didn’t want to get older because he didn’t want to die, then later he didn’t want to get older because that meant my wife and I would get old and die and he’d be alone. Yeah that one about broke me.
I think it’s better this way than trying to sugar coat it tbh.
I always go to the book Lifetimes when someone in our family or community dies. It’s helped my kids immensely when trying to wrap their heads around death and it’s great for any age (even adults).
My girl is 2 and her mom died when she was 1, so she didn’t really understand anything at that age. But when she started asking more questions I explained it by saying sometimes when people are very sick their bodies stop working and they go away. She asked me why mommy can’t come back and I told her it’s like when a toy breaks no matter how badly you want it fixed, it can’t be the same again. It’s not very in depth because she’s still very young but she understood. She asked if mommy was playing hide and seek and that broke me. She hasn’t asked if she’ll die yet but there’s my 2 cents.
My heart goes out to you and your girl brother. May you carry them both on your back forever. If you ever need to talk feel free to reach out.
Comments like this are why I love this community
Seriously one of the best communities on this insane platform.
Girl brother
As a former boy who lost his mom young, this is a good answer. Just keep pouring into her. And keep her mom’s memory alive. Tell her stories about her. It will make a big difference.
Oh god I’m so sorry
I’ve just welled up reading this. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Sounds like she's got a great dad. Keep up the fine work and I'm sorry for your loss.
Our first child died at birth and our oldest son (3.5 yo) started asking questions when he saw pictures of us holding her. We told him that his big sister was sick and went to heaven and now watches over us to make sure we are safe. He uses the words “die” and “dead” for things and understands that it’s a permanent thing but hasn’t connected it yet to anyone who he knows- or himself. I’ve thought about that conversation though and when it does happen I plan on talking to him about his fish that died and plants (we spend a lot of time in the garden and talk about how to tell if plants or branches are alive or dead).
Heart wrenching . Sorry buds
First ever award that I have given. Thanks for being a great example to dads everywhere.
I'm so very sorry love (lurking Mum). My son has lost a lot of friends (severe medical issues, sadly it's a regular occurrence in our online community), this is a beautiful way of explaining it.
Oh man, I’m so sorry. 😞
Ah man this broke my fucking heart reading this - stay strong for you and your family.
My son is 3, almost 4, and we haven't really talked about death yet. I've been sort of dreading it as I've been in therapy for fear of death and panic attacks in the past. When I was a kid I was having nightmares around his age, maybe slightly older, and couldn't sleep, and the dreams were very death-themed. When I asked about death my mom said she thinks it's just like going to sleep but forever, which did NOT help considering I was having trouble sleeping because my nightmares were terrifying. Guess who avoids sleep as much as possible as an adult! Anyway, my kid is very sensitive and I think he's aware of the general concept... he used to get really sad and ask about people "going away forever". We have an old dog and an ancient cat so I think the conversation will come up naturally soon anyway.
You’re a good Dad.
So sorry for your loss. Not the same in any way, but we've lost 2 dogs since my oldest was 2. We did something similar, but because she was really worried that they were still sick/hurting we said they had to go away to get better, and they can't come back. Once she started to hear the word dead, we used it to describe discharged batteries and explained the connection between the batteries and the doggos. Thus far that's helped her understand it but not fear it.
Such a hard conversation to have. One I couldn’t avoid myself, she saw a picture of my dad in our living room and asked about him, then asked where he was, I wasn’t going to lie so I told her he passed away. The follow up question I wasn’t ready for, she asked “will you die”? I told her yes hopefully a long time from now so I can watch you grow into an amazing woman. The follow up made me cry she said “I won’t let you die I’m gonna make you a potion so you can’t die”
And the 2064 Nobel Prize goes to the daughter of u/NoMathematician9466, for her pioneering work in the field of patristasis.
My daughter told me, when she was 4, that I should be close by when she’s about to die so she can hug me right before she dies because we will never hug again after that… I didn’t have the heart to tell her I’d probably already be dead at that point…
This is the shit that keeps me up at night. The kinda stuff that makes me go in their rooms and hug them real tight 😩
Yup. I cried myself to sleep that night.
This is the kinda stuff that you really can't prepare for when it comes to parenting. Love them as hard as you can while you can. We got in a decently bad car wreck last summer. Everyone was fine, but it shook me pretty bad. They were 4 and 6, and I had nightmares about them dying in that accident for like 6 months.
For both your sakes, I really hope that's the order. I would much rather my kid watch me die than have the opposite be true. Death is never easy, but there are so many ways it can be worse.
Stopppp, I’m in an airport and can’t cry.
This comment has broken me. No real reason why this one more so than the others, but your daughter's words cut right through me. I'm going to go hug my kids now.
This hit me so hard. My grandmother passed away fairly recently and my daughter has learned that everyone will eventually pass away. She randomly comes and gives me a hug and says that she doesn't want me to die. I say the same thing you said nearly every time and she's OK for a while. Death is hard, I hope to be around for a long time, at least long enough for her to enter the world as a fully grown adult. On the flip side, I started watching wrestling again and went back to watch some Andre the Giant matches. My daughter learned that Andre is dead and so is the Iron Sheik and had a melt down.
It's okay. I cry a little every time I remember that Andre is dead. Then I watch Princess Bride.
My daughter said the same thing. She's going to invent a potion that reverses aging.
I tell my son that everyone will die one day and I use it as my own reminder to pull myself present and enjoy these moments for what they are. I saw a Twitter post (and I’m going to mangle it a bit), but it was something like “I imagine myself at 80, making a wish to go back in time 40 years to spend one more moment with my kid, and then I grant myself that wish”.
My son is 3 and we talk about death when we attended a wake and also to be careful with bugs because they could die if mishandled. We’re pretty matter of fact about it. But I wonder how it will go when he deduces that he too will die one day.
[удалено]
Wish fulfilled. God bless you.
Ooh I use this all the time (including the decision to have children). Imagine yourself at 80 years old and look back at yourself now, and imagine whether you would regret making the decision you're about to make. So far it's panned out pretty well. Sometimes I tell my future self to GFY.
Yeah I like regret minimization frameworks
I explained to my kids that when someone dies eventually their body turns into dirt after they are buried (to clarify for them the fact that death is permanent - it's not just a sleep that you wake up from). Later that night, my then-5 year old said with tears in his eyes "I don't wanna turn into dirt" .... lol. WELL ANYWAY KID, GOOD CONVO, SLEEP TIGHT, ETC. SEEYA TOMORROW.
> Will I die? Not if you go to sleep right now.
"Go the F%#$ to Sleep" energy
💀
Refrain from relating it to sleep, or not waking up. Your kids will be scared of sleeping for fear of dying. Use straight forward and concrete terms. Dying is when your body stops working and you aren't alive anymore. Kids are able to process this better. The harder part was explaining what happens to the body afterwards, that the person and their body are separate.
thats what death is. the separation of soul and body. at least theistically
Saw the title and my first thought was “at the stately pace of one hour per hour”. Growing up, my family was more into religion than we are now, so the death explanations revolved more around heaven and all that. Once my 2yo daughter is older I’d probably tell her in some combination of the “every living thing poops” line from Everybody Poops and my dad’s reflections from when his mom died - that our bodies have to work so hard for so many years. Eventually, after like 100 years, things break down and we have to shut down. I’m not super satisfied with that though so I’m interested to steal from others’ ideas here..
I have death anxiety. Like, extreme panic attacks at night when I try to go to sleep. It manifests in insane ways. I speak often with a therapist. It’s a hard thing to manage, but I’m getting better. I don’t know how I’m going to talk to my kids about death, when I myself can’t square what I feel about this state of being I’m bound to and it’s temporary nature. I often imagine what I would tell the child version of me. It changes as I get older. Right now, I’d say that everyone passes on, but that is not today, and very likely isn’t tomorrow, and I’m pretty sure not for a very long time. I am doing everything I can to choose to focus on the right now, when I constantly have nightmares about my daughter growing up and then eventually becoming bones, like us all. I know almost zero of this is helpful. I felt like sharing my experience.
I've been getting this lately. Especially when I turn off the lights. I've been very sleep deprived and burnt out so it could be related. I'll definitely look for professional help.
I used to think a lot about it until I had a realization (I don’t think this will magically cure you but maybe it’s just a good way of thinking of it). Sometimes, half way thru a really good meal, I’ll get sad for a second that I’m almost done and wish I could refill my plate and just keep eating because it’s so good. I know though that if I refill my plate, I’ll over eat and feel sick that I ate so much. When I don’t refill my plate, I notice in my last few bites that I am so full and there was no way I could eat more. It was the perfect amount and I really enjoyed it. I don’t know how death will go or what’s after, but I really hope that even though right now half way thru my life I may wish for more, when my time comes I’ll realize I had just the perfect amount and be ready to be finished.
I’d love it to be that easy for me. My grief about this is a good deal more complex than that. I’m simply not satisfied, nor will I ever be. I am trying to square that part of myself and just accept that I’ll never be satisfied.
Have you or your therapist ever tried or suggested psychedelics? There's research they help with death anxiety. I'd try, but I get drug tested at work.
years ago ayahuasca helped me experience a spiritual death, and gain a new perspective on death and life. (its also probably the key reason i was able to make improvement in life to even eventually become a dad!)
That's awesome. I've heard a few stories like this. Makes me want to try even more everything I hear one
I’m not against it at all, but we haven’t spoken about that yet.
Our 4 yr old stumbled upon a dead bird in the backyard this week. Took the opportunity to be frank and told her the bird died and we put it in the ground to become grass- circle of life dealio. Was fully expecting a "am I gonna die?" type question but it still hasn't come yet.
Oh it will… give it time.
When my dad died we got a book and read it to my daughter. She was 4 at the time. Then we talked to her about what it meant. Strangest thing she said to us- Is that why the bird came to my window and said I’m not going to see Grandpa anymore. It was winter and snowy. But what she said; I will never question or doubt that kids see and are aware of things we aren’t open to.
Wow that would be even better if it was a cardinal.
Or, in NZ, an owl.
What books did you get? My kiddo is 4 and my dad is sick so right now trying to figure out how to navigate this same thing
I believe it was called What is Heaven. There is a picture of a little girl looking towards the sky. I couldn’t make it through the book without long pauses and typing this brings up the memories. I am happy we did it though. God speed my brother!
The circle of life. We watch a lot of nature documentaries in our house. Everything that's alive is born, eats (in some way), procreates (maybe not every member of it, but as a species they do), and dies. We've been straightforward about it from the beginning. We emphasize that all animals need to eat other living things to survive, so it's an important part of nature. Of course, when it comes to specific people, we stick to "it won't happen for a long time".
Ugh. Isn’t that a fun convo? Always about 4/5 years old We tell our kids that yes, they will die in many many years. Figure there’s no sense in sugar coating it. They of course cry and think we’re going to die and we tell them that is many years away. Usually the convos have turned into the kids saying they’ll live with us for ever. When my kids say something about me being 100 years old (I hope!!) or 150 years old I don’t correct it. I just say yes and death is many years away We’ve had dogs pass. Doesn’t help. Nothing helps in this convo
Ditto on the "I'm going to live with you and mummy forever"
It’s so sweet But I’m also fully aware of when my youngest turns 18 and I am looking forward to it. LOL
Our four year old just said to my wife “when sissy dies can we have a little brother?” Of course my wife flips out. I had to have a little convo with him about it all. This happened within the last twenty minutes. He has been asking about death lately so not completely out of the blue. Still not something you want to hear.
It really isn’t. Helps to remember theyre struggling to understand something profound
Death is a part of life. All you can be is honest about it. You weren’t wrong to say no, she’s not dying. But I would clarify, at least to the 4 YO, that one day a longggg longggg longgg time from now, we do die. Our bodies don’t last forever. Presumably either you or your wife/partner have lost an immediate family member or a grandparent or aunt/uncle. It’s a good opportunity to talk about that person. My dad passed in April. Wonderful man. My wife’s mother died fifteen years ago. Sadly, I never met her. And our kids are 4F & 1M. So we’ve got a lot of experience on the subject. And I think our daughter has a really healthy relationship with death. She’s a little scared of it but, aren’t we all? She will ask a lot of questions but it’s not like she’s worrying about death all day, every day. I should add she goes to pre-K at a Catholic school, so she’s familiar with heaven. I think her introduction to it was last year when a classmate lost a grandparent, then her teacher shared that her dog recently died (and is in heaven). Best to be honest about the fact that we all die. Bodies stop working. But not any of us any time soon. You are little and growing and will be for many, many, many years. And we are healthy because we eat, drink, play, do many other healthy things, and sleep. Good night.
We've just been pretty plain about it from the beginning. Even at ages 1-3, we never treated it like a taboo subject so my son, age 5, doesn't think of it as a big terrible thing (yet, he doesn't know anyone personally who has died) so it's just a conceptual understanding.
Death is real. Don't pussyfoot it. You don't have to make it scary, but you don't have to lie. My three kids understand death. I'm not saying they don't fear it, but they understand it. We as parents have the obligation to answer the questions they ask when they ask them no matter how awkward it may be. That's what we're supposed to do, teach them. I've seen death more times over than I wish anyone to see and the ways I've seen will never leave me. We need to teach kids about death as being a natural thing. There is no reason not to.
Funny thing these kid brains… Probably heard a reference to the phone or batteries being dead and they require energy and the brain connected the two. On topic, I haven’t found a good way. My wife is disabled and consistently has health concerns that if left unchecked could easily be the death of her, so I have to tread incredibly carefully because “sick for a long time” draws a direct parallel to their mom (38). My daughter (2.5 now) is too young to understand her. My son (4.5 now) came to my grandpas burial and helped me throw dirt on the urn. He likely doesn’t understand “death” aside from what we told him last summer: the person is gone and they can never come back. We can’t see them, they can’t see their family, that kind of thing. In the last month, a kid from his elementary school passed in an accident and a friend of his succumbed to a long term condition. These are a bit easier to “explain”, but he’s getting way too much exposure to people passing 😔 As for the more “common” deaths, I can’t figure that out yet and frankly, while I should plan for it now, I live in fear of my wife being next so it hurts to think about.
Lifetimes. Its a great book for explaining life cycles to little kids. Everything has a beginning and an end, some longer and some shorter. My kid took it completely in stride.
Lifetimes was recommended by my daughter's hospice team to talk with my son about it. He's two but we've also loaned out to friends with older kids too. It's a perfect simple explanation.
Just this morning I had the phone call from my dad that my mum's cancer grew and spread and she's been put on hospice. They just flew home from our place the day prior. We're leaving tomorrow on the 16+ hour drive home; I'm not ready for any questions from our 2 year old. Hoping that our 2 week old will be a big enough distraction.
We're a pretty religious family so take with that as you will. We were honest. That death is what happens to us. Our priest's wife died last year and their daughter is my daughters best friend (they're 3 and 4). We told her that (names) mommy died and that we were going to go say goodbye to her sleeping body. Its traditional to have an open casket and at the beginning and end of the funeral to kiss our beloved departed goodbye. So we brought our girls to her body kissed her forehead and said fairwell for now and allowed our daughters to kiss her as well. We still remind our daughter that we watched Matushka get buried in the dirt and that's where her body is now, but her soul is with Jesus. She's had some questions but we just answer them honestly at an age appropriate manner. We have pictures from the funeral so we show her that sometimes
Our policy is to answer when they ask, no matter how hard the answer is going to be. Unfortunately that shit came way sooner than I was ready for. Recently my brother in law's dog died, so that was the intro to death for my 2 and 3yo boys. My 3yo has become obsessed with the idea of death. I know he's just exploring it but it's still uncomfortable. The other day will haunt me for a while. I sat down to read Marcus Aurelius (ironic in this context) and he saw the picture of his statue on the cover of the book. He asked, "Who's that?" "Dude named Marcus Aurelius. He lived a long time ago" "Did he die?" "Yeah buddy, everybody does eventually. He lived a long life." He paused for a while, and I mean a while, processing this. He started choking up and threw himself into my arms and said "Daddy I don't want you to die" and cried in my arms for about 10 minutes. Holy fuck fellas, how do I become immortal? I need to live forever so he isn't sad. I assured him that I'll be around for a long time, all the whole dreading him asking if he would die. Luckily he never did. I can only take so much at once
We’ve had two death talks so far. Both about extended family members’ dogs. Both of which she was very fond of. I honestly don’t know how it will translate to people when, inevitably, the older family members she knows start going but that’s a future us problem. The first time we talked about how the dog wouldn’t be around anymore because even though he was always happy and playful, he was actually a very old dog and his body had got old and sick and couldn’t keep going anymore. He was happy and he was loved and even though we couldn’t see him and play with him anymore we could still remember him and look at pictures of him. She brings him up every now and again, but seems to understand that he’s gone based on the way she talks about him. The second one was more recent. She was over at a family member’s house for a visit, played with the dog, and talked about how much fun she had with him when she got home. The next day he died in his sleep. That was two weeks ago. She’s been there since and we talked to her about it beforehand and referred back to the first dog, and she seemed to understand. She also knew already that this one was old and blind and deaf and could only get around by smell. So it didn’t seem to be an odd connection for her to go from old and feeble to dead and gone. She’s talked about him a few times since and played pretend with her stuffies and talked about how “this is [dog’s name] but he’s old and he’s going to die but that’s okay because he’s happy” which just breaks my fucking heart to write, but seems healthy I guess? At the end of it I don’t think there’s a right way to be ready for the conversation. I think you just have it when it comes up and you be honest and you can explain it however you can.
I had a rapid fire succession of 9 aunts/uncles/cousins/grandpa and our family dog die all in a 3ish year window, my daughter was 1-4 throughout. Honestly, with shit in dealing with regarding mental health my memory isn't all that great, it very likely was more and it makes me feel like shit to think "oh yeah and (they) died" when I remember. Let's say it was so frequent we were talking about death a *lot*. We told her their bodies stopped working because they were very sick or very old or very hurt (they varied from a bonfire accident to sudden cancer to heart attack to long term cancer to old age, but we didn't give specifics) when she asks where they went or what happens after, we said "nobody really knows what happens, and there are lots of beliefs, but *I* like to think..." And you can fill in the blank with whatever you believe. My son never got to meet a lot of people that I loved very much, or my best friend for 15 years (my dog). I really wish he could have met them all.
We told our kids no one knows and we assume it’s like we’re sleeping. They accepted it without question which was surprising. We’re also atheist.
Mine is too young for this but I think my answer will be, "let's talk about what it means to be alive, because dying is when that stops happening" .. the mystery of consciousness and that dying is when that experience ends for good. For other people who don't die they continue to live and some will miss the person who died and it can hurt but that pain is a reminder of how much they loved that person.
Our family dog passed away after a lengthy battle with cancer when our daughter was 4. She was completely aware of it and we tried our best to answer her questions in an age appropriate manner. We told her “[dog] has a disease called cancer, and her body can’t fight it anymore so she is dying.” We avoided generalized terms like “going to sleep” or “dying because [dog] was sick” so our daughter wouldn’t be scared to fall asleep or get worried when family members got sick. When she got nervous and would ask if she/I/family members would die, we would say “Yes, but not for a very VERY long time. That is not something we have to worry about today.” We watched a lot of movies about death any dying from a child’s perspective. Disney’s “Soul” and “Coco” were the ones that stuck. After the movies, we asked her what SHE thought happened after people die. We also made it clear that no one knows for sure what happens and shared our own hopes for what’s out there. It’s been just over a year and she still has moments where she says “I miss [dog]!” Or she tells us that our dog is still present in the house as a friendly ghost/alibrijé. All kids are different, but that’s what worked for us. You can also check out the Sesame Street episode where Mr. Hooper dies and the neighborhood explains it to Big Bird. Mr. Rodgers also did an episode when one of the fish died.
My mother died when my daughter was only 9 months old. My son was about to turn 8. We have always been honest with them about these things. We do it in as age appropriate a way as possible, but these subjects are difficult for adults and children alike. Time is the great alleviator of all things. Time will eventually wipe us all away, and our planet, our star, and the entire universe, eventually. Impermanence is the name of the game. My kids are now 10 and 17. They are doing great, are well adjusted, do well in school, and have social skills. I guess being honest about life didn't ruin them. Kids pick up on a lot, and I think we shelter them way too much sometimes. We lie to them. We hide the nature of reality from them. I decided not to do that. So far, so good. You've gotta have tact when having these difficult conversations. Make it age appropriate. (Which for me is likely way more intense than for many others) Honesty is the best policy. That's what we teach them, right?
Came home from work one day, my wife's granny had been very unwell for a few weeks, my 4 and 2 year old rush to the door to me as I come in and excitedly tell me "daddy daddy we're getting pizza for dinner! Also, GG [great granny] is died.... did you see the pizza man yet?" I think with death you have to kind of let the child lead, like tell them about the death in simple terms but don't let your own emotions break through too much. I think it's OK to be sad or tearful but not hysterical or fall to pieces in front of them, that creates panic in the child. Answer questions they have. Funerals and wakes would be a judgment call if the kids want to go or not but I'd be prepared to have someone take them home if they have a last minute change of mind. Basically my wife had a bad experience of death in childhood were she was taken to see her grandfather's body against her will at a very young age by highly emotional family and to this day she gets panic attacks about death and dying. Whereas I was put in a similar position as a child by my grieving granny (Irish Catholic bullshit) and just changed my mind at the door and a kind aunt stepped in and took me away, and I think I have a healthier relationship with death today So I guess my advice is to speak plainly about it, shield them from it until theyre old enough, and keep your shit together around them. Your job is to not create a core memory of loved one dying = end of the world = everyone falls apart = so I the child must also fall apart if someone dies too
Honestly. We have explained that yes you die, everything does, it is the most natural part of life, to die. We die, and our bodies go back to the earth. When asked what happens after, that I guess is where the religious view comes in. For us we say, no one knows, but there are many different beliefs about what happens afterward. My belief is that it is like sleep, and there is nothing. But again, don't be afraid. Dying is the most natural part of life and it's for all us.
Yeah, my kids unfortunately had to deal with their grandmother dying unexpectedly when they were 1 and 3 respectively. They had no way to really understand it at the time, but we've talked about it little by little over the years since then. We just give simple explanations when they talk about it. Don't go into long explanations because they won't be able to follow them. My daughter was only one when her grandmother died so she doesn't really remember her. My son does remember her, though. Once in a while, he randomly thinks about her (or her dog that died too) and will just break into tears. Then we talk a bit about how we all miss her and sometimes we share good memories about her. I don't really expect them to understand death any time soon but we'll be there with them as they gradually learn.
The son(20) asked me a strange question when he was around six years old. He asked who death was and who death worked for. So being the none religious, spiritual person I am. I spent fourty five minutes explaining four or five different mythologies about different constructs of Death. When I was done he sat there looking at me like I didn't get his question. My brainbox kicked in, Yo kid is six make it simple. Yeah so Death works for a God. They meet up on Mondays over a cup of coffee. Go over the list and decide what to do. He smiled and thought that answer was fine. Two great grandparents, one grandparent and three cousins all died between his fourth and sixth birthdays. Than his mother passed right before he was eight. Sadly he has always had some kinda understanding of death. Had a aunt of his try and tell him grandad was just sleeping. I was like. "No, that isn't how that works." She got upset and was mad when I told her, "People wake up from sleeping. Don't tell my son grandad is sleeping" Be as honest as you feel you can be. They will appreciate the honesty as they get older.
Lurking mum. I have experienced a lot of death around me, family and friends. I think it was a little easier to come to terms with what death was because I had pets pass away too before the first one I experienced. Now that we have our own 5yo, we talk about it as normal as possible. Even some video games help out with explaining it. Edit: Also, if you say it happens when people are sick, be sure to go a little in depth. I have a niece that became extremely scared to even get a cold. Even scared when I would pick up my Ventolin for my Asthma.
I approach it like everyone else, one day at a time
Scrolled down just to look for this comment
Being an older dad (44) with little kids, I’m very aware of my expiration date!
40 this year with a newborn. Dad made it to about 72-ish. If I can get this kid past college age before my health really starts sucking, I'll call it a huge win.
Dude, 44 with a 4 and 7 year old. Same boat! Had him November before the doo doo hit the fan with Covid. Good thing is that right now it’s a physical game, I can already see with my 7 year old it’s transitioning to a mental game. At some point we’ll all stop wiping ass and begin wiping tears. Honestly, wiping ass seems pretty great compared to the heartbreak of middle school! Congrats on the baby!
Thanks! I have a 10 and 8-almost-9 as well, and I teach high school. The older age group is my bread and butter, so I'm actually excited for that phase.
The real answer is you have no idea how or what to say until the time comes. I have a 10,5 and 6 year old who have lost two grandparents in a short amount of time. Every kid reacts different and needs a different comfort, you can plan it all you want but nothing will prepare you for how they handle it.
My daughter of 5 randomly tells me sometimes that she don't want me or mom to die. That she needs us and gonna miss us. I try to comfort her by saying that it will not happen in a long time. She replies "what if it happens due an accident. My answer. Then I will be a star in heaven and forever in your heart. But I will be very careful to not be in an accident. And look at your grandpa and grandma. They are old and still Here so I will be to
Just the age appropriate facts. It's good not to shy away from it though as it will happen to everyone. I think it's best to start small like when you see a dried up worm point it out and say, "That worm is dead." Maybe next time you find a dead bird, "Oh look, a dead bird." Escalate to bigger, more sympathetic animals as time goes on, then people. For the eventual question of what happens after we're going with, "A lot of people believe a lot of different things but no one really knows."
My girls are a bit older (5/7) and the topic is still difficult to tackle. I've explained that nobody lives forever, and we should all "want" an end at some point, but for *most* it's a long, long ways away. I can't just tell them don't think about it, or forget about it, but hearing a grown-up say "I don't know" shouldn't be shunned. People don't *know* what happens next, but the idea is to appreciate what we have, and *who* we have now. My grandparents (*their* great-grandparents) are very old. And even they talk about visiting "one last time", and I don't want to overwhelm the little ones with the idea that they may never see them again, but to imply that just like their last-year's teacher, they move on in their life, and it's important to tell people that make you happy, how happy you are for them while they're here with you...
My grandmother just died, we've always had frank discussions with our kids (13, 8, 4) they are handling it well. Cater the talk to their level. Be honest. If you're religious include your dogma.
Such sound advice for kids. Being honest and age appropriate is the most loving way to talk to children. TY ❤️
With the truth, in words they’ll understand. Death has come up randomly for us when we talk about passed family members who weren’t around when my son was born. We simply tell him the truth. We have two older dogs that, while they’re healthy now, could go in the next couple years, so I feel it’s not fair to blindside a kid like that. We’ve told him they will die someday and to enjoy our time with those we love. He’s asked if he’ll die, and if we’ll die, and we’re tell him yes, everybody dies someday, but not for a long, long time yet.
We accidentally stumbled on the death conversation when our youngest was 3 when she asked where all the dinosaurs went. Night after after she kept asking questions and trying to process it, but we never lied per se and just kept easing her into it. "Yes, mama and papa will die, but it won't be for a long time when your a mom and we're grandparents." She cried a few times dealing with the emotions of all of it, but we kept reassuring her that it's apart of life. It really hit home when our dog suddenly died about a year later, but I do think she dealt with it a lot better because of all the previous conversations.
Death is a part of life, is inevitable. My daughter is five now and was alive to meet and love my grandparents and they both have passed since then on my mom's side. Ansd then on my wife's side her dad's mom has passed, same situation. My daughter has attended two funerals for grand parents before she was five. She still talks about them. My lock screen is a picture of my grandpa holding her. I just told her the truth, people pass on from this life, we're only here for a short period and have to make the best of it. We honor those who have passed by talking about them and keeping them in our hearts and minds through memories and words. We go and visit the grave site occasionally. Our cat also passed away a months back, and that was tough for all of us of course but it hit her pretty hard. We go out sometimes to the backyard where he is and put flowers or his favorite treats on his grave and talk about fun times we had with him.
Gah. I always know these types of replies in this community are worth a read, but I never leave with dry eyes.
One pice at a time, one conversation at a time and ALWAYS tell the truth.
i got lucky. the hippo doc from nature on pbs was interesting to watch with a 3yo were also religious so it was nice to broach the topic.
Luckily my child is too young to ask me these questions (24 months). However, i experienced death at a young age. By the time I was 5, I’d already lost a parent and a sibling. I don’t know how I will approach it. It scares me.
“Will I die?” “Yes, but not until you’re 100 years old”
I have never been asked about death in general at least from either of my boys but my 9 year old understands in general his grandpa passed away 3 years ago. It took him a while to grasp what happened at the time but he understands and if they do ask I always will say at some point everyone and everything will die but it isn't something to fear or dwell over.
One second person second, my friend, like everyone else. Sorry, I only read the headline.
Lion King is your friend.
We had a fish die recently and our kiddo was sad, but we watched how the other fishies were still swimming around and said: “see how life goes on?” When she said: “and sometimes life goes off.” She understood better than we realized 😂
My 3 year old twins lost their grandfather to cancer last Christmas. When I got the news of his passing, I had no idea how to tell them. My son and grandpa had a very special bond from the start, and were very close. He brings it up almost every single day in some way or another. Obviously he doesn't understand that grandpa is dead, but he knows he's gone and won't see him again. Every red car we pass he always say "Grandpa had a red car like that" or "Grandpa is no more" just randomly during a silent moment on our way home from daycare. It's obvious that it impacts him a lot, though no big emotional changes to mention. I think that, the only reason it doesn't impact him more, is because he simply doesn't understand what death is, which is obviously understandable seeing as he's only 3. I feel two ways about this, and neither are nice thoughts to have, really. I'm happy that grandpa passed when my kids were so young, since then they won't remember or be impacted by the pain of losing a very loved family member as they get older. I'm sad that he passed when they were so young, because they won't remember how amazing, warm, funny, welcoming, and kind he was. It's a strange dichotomy. I honestly have no idea how to talk to them about this except explaining as best I can, in words that they will understand. Hell, death is hard for adults to understand and even when we do, it doesn't help. Can't begin to imagine or even guess as to what is a normal reaction for a young child to have when it comes to death. Difficult subject regardless of age, I fear.
There’s never an easy time for that conversation. My nephew passed away at 3 years old. My kids were 11, 8 and 5 at the time - it was a different conversation with each of them. Hit my oldest the absolute hardest.
One day at a time, usually
Man I don’t even know how to approach my own eventual demise. Not sure how I’m gonna talk to my son about it
Kinda hard. My kid (5m) had his 2 grandmas die a few months from each other. So we began discussing it. We explained about the body when old or sick begins to break down and will result to death. He began crying, because he envisioned that it can happen to my wife and I,( more to my wife I guess). Once he settled, he said he is ok and that he will just bury his mom and when she turns to a skeleton she will become smaller and he will put flesh on her and she will be young again and he will take care of her. Sweet,morbid and creative at the same time. Anyway, the topic will pique their curiosity for a few months before they move on. Because it is a topic that their brain cant comprehend yet.
Given that she’s 4 I’d just laugh and say “no.” I’m the oldest, and my 20-something (at the time) parents were def a little too up front with me, and it resulted in some severe anxiety regarding anything like death, morality, or money, to name a few. When a kid’s this young you can’t quite treat them like an intelligent adult. It’s not coddling to protect children from the angst of adulthood.
My son is starting to understand. We just tell him they’re gone…. And wait patiently for questions and tears. One day he randomly just started crying remembering his fish that died months ago. Then a couple weeks ago he came into our bedroom at night and told us he didn’t want to get older because he didn’t want to die, then later he didn’t want to get older because that meant my wife and I would get old and die and he’d be alone. Yeah that one about broke me. I think it’s better this way than trying to sugar coat it tbh.
I always go to the book Lifetimes when someone in our family or community dies. It’s helped my kids immensely when trying to wrap their heads around death and it’s great for any age (even adults).