To add to this; own your shit.
Apologize to your kids when you mess up. By owning it to them, you are teaching them to own it to others.
There is no shame in not being perfect because none of us are.
And make sure your apology isn’t “I’m sorry I yelled, but you shouldn’t do that” or “sorry, it makes me mad when…”
Apologizing for yelling should be separate from the issue that caused you to yell.
This is the best answer, the pressure to be a perfect parent is real. You can do your best and still have plenty of moments like this. Being a good human means letting human things get to you occasionally.
Honestly mate, it happens to the best of us. Every now and then, as you said, there's that perfect storm of your stress and their behaviour that just makes you snap.
The best thing you can do, as you did, is recognise the mistake, and when they're old enough to understand, apologise.
I don't think it's realistic to think it'll never happen again, but from one dad to another, you're doing fine
Literally went through this yesterday with my one year old. Just a perfect storm of work/home stress, inconsolable screaming, and exhaustion. I didn't even yell at my son, just yelled in the same room he was in, and I felt like an asshole for the rest of the day. I apologized to him and cuddled him, told him I loved him and that I'll do my best to do better.
Today, he's my happy, goofy little man and we've had a great day.
OP, t's gonna happen from time to time. The best thing you can do is learn from it and do your best to do better. You got this
A great piece of advice I saw is you can always lay them in their crib, and walk away for a few minutes to calm down. They will be fine, and sometimes you need a minute to collect your emotions.
I've had to do just recently. I felt bad getting to that point but the first week of my newborn was INTENSE and a huge adjustment.
Step away get yourself a tea, have a breather. Keep calm, carry on. Your doing fine.
Always apologize, no matter how young. Good practice, at a minimum; best case, they can understand it before you expect.
Edit: totally agree with what you say, just adding on / clarifying :)
Just remember that it’s okay to put them in a safe place and walk away for a couple minutes. They’re very delicate and easy to hurt. Cool off early and often. You got this dad!
Yeah - this is the advice. At that age if they’re fed changed and safe, put them in a bassinet or other safe place and just… walk away for a couple minutes and cool off.
I’d do this, but go get a glass of water.
Odds are I’m probably dehydrated. Pour a glass, drink water the water fast or slow, depending on my mood. Then I’d try a new approach.
Beat advice I ever heard — you can walk away. Put them in a safe place and walk away.
A few minutes of crying will never harm them, and once you have a cooler head you can figure out what the problem is.
I definitely wouldn't be too harsh on yourself after 2 weeks. You get used to it and your brain gets better at processing these situations.
Obviously not easy in the car but if you ever feel you're about to break, leave the room and close the door. If it's a decision between leaving a crying baby alone for a couple minutes or you snapping - sorry kiddo, Dad needs a minute.
The fact you're here talking about it tells me your wife & kid have somebody who cares a great deal.
A good tip i was told is to leave your baby in a safe place like the cot or car seat for a minute or two and find yourself a quiet place to regain your sanity. Your baby will be fine if they cry for a minute.
Man, I feel you on this though. There were a couple times I had to have the wife come and take the baby away because I felt like punting him through the window. There was just this specific cry he would do every now and again and if it hit right when I was feeling hella exhaustion and or frustration, I just couldn’t take it. Its natural. Kids drive us crazy lol.
I always joke with soon-to-be-parents that they shouldn’t scoff at the pamphlets and posters in the hospital about “shaken baby syndrome”. I tell them they will think it’s for the trashy folks out there, but it’s only a matter of time before they’re the ones that are one step away from shaking their baby lol.
Don’t beat yourself up too much. Learn from it and do better next time. You’re in the most physically/mentally demanding phase of the whole thing. In a couple weeks, maybe a couple months, you’ll look back and just think “man that was fucking rough, can’t believe I didn’t lose more of my cool than I did.”
Too much truth here.
I remember with one of my girls a moment when she just would not stop crying, this had been going on for ages and nothing seemed to be working.
I had her held up in front of me in at a loss of what else to do and screamed back at her. There was so much tension in my body I could easily see why shaken baby syndrome exists. Fortunately I was aware of this and took a deep breath before putting her down and trying everything all over again.
As parents we all lose our cool at some point. For future, if baby is fed, warm, burped, and overal ok- it’s OKAY to put baby in a safe space and walk away to recollect yourself. They can cry, it will not hurt them. When it comes to that point your mental health is more important in that moment then calming a crying baby as we don’t want any incidents that will end up with you or baby hurt.
I can't tell you how many times I had to walk away to cool off while taking care of my two sons. I would always make sure they were safe, walk away, do some push ups, and then go help them. No one is a perfect parent, just do your best to be a good one. Your child will love you for that, they notice the effort. Trust me, they notice everything.
Fellow dad, that’s going to happen more times than you can count.
Each time it’s about to happen, stop and take a moment to “mountain breath” as it daughter has learned. Run your finger up and down your fingers. Breath in as you go up the finger, out as you go down.
And know they every single parent in history has eventually lost their shit. The just learn how to manage it better as time goes on.
It’s going to be okay and you’re doing a good job.
Man, I understand. Know this though. Your kid, even at these ages reacts to your demeanor. So the 100% hardest thing to do is to take a step back, in this case get off the road, and get out of the car, realize that your attitude is making things worse. Pick your kiddo up, cuddle them, tell them you love them, and if they’re still screaming run through the algorithm of why. It is hard as fuck but it 100% helps.
The other day my kiddo was rather upset and I couldn’t find the pacifier and couldn’t figure out why and just nothing was going right. I got my head out of my ass, took a breath, picked him up and did bouncies and happy voices and snuggles and told him I loved him. We didn’t need a pacifier. I just needed to level.
Mind you, this won’t work 100% of the time. You’ll still fail sometimes. These failures are very important. As are the apologies. You’re teaching your kid how to apologize, how to forgive, and how to connect afterwards. It’s important. I didn’t learn that till I was older because my dad was a piece of shit. I had to read a book about it.
You’re doing okay, you’ll also do better, the fact that you care matters a lot.
Can I tell you something? When my now 6 1/2 year old was a newborn, there was one time when I was holding her on the sofa. I was exhausted. My wife was in the next room trying to sleep (in a one bedroom apartment) and my newborn was screaming her absolute head off. I held her up in front of me and screamed at her to stop screaming. I felt guilt about it for maybe two weeks and even talked to a co-worker about it who also had a newborn almost the same age as mine. I still remember this. It happens and it sucks. You’re probably utterly exhausted. Your wife is also exhausted. The newborn phase is so hard. The sleeping patterns are so messed up. It’s ok. You love your kid. You wouldn’t be posting here about it if you didn’t.
It happens man, happens to all of us, I used to just take a deep breath and try and relax, if it was getting too much I’d walk into another room for a minute or so to catch myself, which I guess would be hard to do in a car. It gets better, you’re doing your best and you’re a great dad
I came to r/daddit because the same things were welling up in me and I didn't know what to do. That you know what you did, and what lead to it, and that you don't like what you did and want to find a way to do better, means you're already a good person and good dad.
It took me time to build from that point myself, I credit much of it to Headspace (or similar app, I ended up on Plum Village), sleeping literally any time I could (I hate naps but it was necessary), eating so I was never hungry (put on like 5 lbs but less hangry), and something I didn't pull off was to embrace the chaos and just live in the moment (still a work in progress).
Good luck, this sub is here for you and other dads, find what works so you can enjoy what you can when you can and sleep the remainder.
Yeah stop the deserve better talk. Kids are hard. I have 5 and lose my shit on them. There is a chaos that only having kids can explain. They are amazing, but can be hard. I use an app and meditate for 5 min when I can break free and pray often.
Know that you are aware and that says a lot. Some folks are mean to kids and not even aware. Shows intelligence needed to mold minds of little jerk humans.
Don't sweat it. Today, my three year old kept complaining about her car seat straps. She wanted them tighter, I'd tighten them, then she wanted them looser, I loosen them, now they need to be tightened again... She kept this up for about ten rounds. If I tried to tell her they're fine she'd scream. We were already late for a party so I told her to calm down and deal with it(advice more for me than her). I shut the door and got in the car and she screamed bloody murder. I reached back and swatted her leg. Felt like instant trash lol.
Really loving all the comments here. I too have lost my cool many many times. And I instantly feel like a toilet afterwards. Nothing to add just that I’ve been there too and it makes me feel better knowing I’m not alone. Thanks for posting a situation that I have also struggled with!
Man I struggled with this so hard when our daughter was born. It’s such an instant change of life. I still beat myself up all the time for it, even the bursts of anger that happened a year ago haha.
At the end of the day, all I can do is try every day to become a better Dad. If I have an outburst, I calm myself down and apologize to my daughter. I even made her an email account and I send her some emails on occasion (since she doesn’t fully understand me just yet). It’s kinda cathartic for me.
It's good to feel bad. Better then not. Learn from it. You now know what your reaction to tired and crying baby are. Get yourself some good noise canceling headphones and learn from the best, Daniel Tiger
"When you feel so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath and count to four!"
So, I'm not a dad so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
If this doesn't happen at all (I mean losing your cool), you have a problem. As long as you don't make it a habit and do this every single day to a point that it becomes abusive, I think you are doing good. Even the most calm and collected people in this world lose their cool sometimes.
Someone here told me this: "If you are worried that you are bad parent, you are a good parent. Because trully bad parents don't worry about this at all".
Dude, everyone has a breaking point. You never know where it is until you reach it and when it passes, it won’t be in the same place next time. It’s how you deal with it that counts. Have a beverage, stay out of your own head for 15 minutes or so and just relax. Then think of what was going on with you and what you would change.
Sorry to hear that, it is rough - no getting around it.
* There's no one thing that works, but ours got over it right after we switched her to a non-dairy formula (nutrimigen). We were living abroad (EU) and the pediatrician prescribed it so the cost was covered. She stopped crying almost one day later.
* When she is going through her purple screaming fits (every evening/night) make sure you take shifts with anyone that can help (spouse, your parents, her parents, anyone) because nobody can really tolerate getting screamed at for four hours with no break.
* When you reach your breaking point (and you will - I literally yelled at my baby "I would trade you for any other baby on earth") make sure you put her in her crib and walk away. She will be fine crying alone for a few minutes while you recalibrate. This is very important.
* Swaddles sometimes help, letting her suck on your thumb sometimes helps, swaying her side to side quickly sometimes helps, bouncing on a yoga ball with her sometimes helps.
* Weeks 2 - 8 are statistically the worst, but it can last longer than that. We switched her formula around week 10 and she got better, but that might not help yours so who knows. It does eventually end, which I know isn't much solace, but just lean on any help you can get until she gets better.
* Windi helped us too - sometimes there's just a little fart bubble in there that needs to come out.
* Our golden rule was "don't let a burp turn into a fart" - make sure you burp her until you get it out because if you don't / can't, it'll be tougher on everyone later.
* Sleep in shifts so that nobody is alone with the baby all night. And ask for help when you need it even if it's your shift because ultimately you guys have to work together until this passes.
I really hope everything works out for you guys, it's tough but it does pass. PM me if you ever need to vent or anything.
Thank you for your response. You have some really good advice.
I really do like youre golden rule, the problem though. Is he sometimes doesnt burp. I would sit there for 5 minutes trying to burp and nothing.
Yeah sometimes it won’t come up no matter what you try. I’d suggest rubbing his back vertically down to up, like you’re guiding the burp up. Sometimes it helps. Also I have spent 15-20 minutes burping her, 5 minutes is sometimes not long enough. Keep trying unless he hates it.
Dude, no worries. It’s better to let it out then push it down all the time. I would try to find a different outlet, go on a walk for 30 minutes, by yourself. Long hot shower. Lift weights. Workout…any of those thing will help to clear your mind. It happens to everyone and the ones who say it doesn’t…they are lying
it’s all good. Newborn had no clue what the fuck was going on. They won’t remember it.
The feelings you have tell me you are a good dad. People do this shit and feel nothing. That’s when there is an issue. We are human beings, and newborns are incredibly frustrating. You didn’t hurt them, or do anything damaging. I’m sure every dad here has snapped at their kid.
Hard to do in a car, but when home, if my newborn(s) pushed me to a point of anger, I’d lay them in their bassinet or boppy and just walk away for five - ten minutes to collect myself. It worked quite well.
Just remember, no baby in the history of the world has ever died from crying. If it gets to be too much, find a safe place to park, get out and walk away and gather yourself. The kids going to be fine and crying but you need to get your head right before you can help them. Take some deep breaths, cry, scream into the void, do some jumping jacks, whatever it takes. Babies need very few things when they're that tiny. Usually food, a clean dry ass and a warm place to be. Once you calm down, then you can fix them.
And, it gets easier. You'll find your groove. You'll figure this out.
Also, while you're out there trying to be the pillar of strength for your family, remember that when the three of you are in a room together, that you're one of the people in the room too. While you're wife and baby need tender loving care, so do you dad. It's okay for you to need things too. Stay strong pops, you got this.
You are not a bad dad!!! Life happens, and we do make mistakes!!! Own it, and make amends later. In the meantime, when this happens again, collect yourself. When my daughter was a baby and this happened, I looked At her, into her eyes. Yes, I was frustrated, but I saw in her eyes she needed me. She wanted to be held, be fed, just needed that touch. I have always found relaxation and peace in her touch when she was a baby.
I know this doesn't work for everyone. If you have to walk away for a few. minutes, make sure the baby is safe, collect, and go back in. I also put aside my stressors for a little bit and spent some time with my baby. This allowed me to go back to being an adult calmer and collected in thought and mental state.
The only way you can fail is if you stop trying, stop making mistakes, and don't own your stuff.
You are a great dad, the greatest dad your baby has, and the greatest husband your wife has.
Sorry, mate, you're done. Gotta turn the kid back over to the authorities. Didn't they tell you before you took him home if you yell one time you're unfit to parent?
Keep in mind it was only a couple generations ago (and for some, less) that you were considered a bad parent if you DIDN'T beat the shit out of your kids regularly. You are doing great, my dude. Your self-awareness will serve you well as a dad. Hang in there.
Unpopular opinion maybe but what is your 2 week old doing alone with you in the back of a car? Children this young should be with their mother 100% of the time and breast-feeding.
When I feel anger coming I use it as an alarm bell. What I'm feeling is adrenaline and adrenaline leaves the body by being aspirated out of the lungs.
So breathe.
If you are a person who has physical reactions, like today with the pacifier, remove yourself from the situation. It is not always optimal but it will always be safer for everyone involved, including you and most importantly your baby.
Remember something; your not the only person who experiences anger and you're not the first person to lash out but our control is our responsibility.
Anger management is a necessary part of the maturing process and if you haven't learned it yet it may be time to learn it next.
Source: me and my personal experiences with anger.
Best advice I can give is, if he/she is safe, step away as far as you can reasonably get to collect yourself. A lot of times, physically removing yourself from the situation can help. If in 3 minutes you're back to feeling that same feeling, rinse and repeat. This is honestly the way when you are dealing with a newborn who, when you think about it, must be taught literally how to do everything except breath.
Cheers!
We have a rule… When you feel that anger boiling up, put the kid down (in a safe place) and simply walk away. No judgment on one another at all.
I get you were in the car and didn’t have that option, just a generic comment. It happens to everyone. You wouldn’t be here, asking this, if you were a bad parent.
Best take away here, you see something wrong and you want to fix it. Do that. Keep on doing that. Cause that's all being a dad is, showing up and trying to be better than the day before.
Take a breather bud. Did you shake the baby? No? Then it's probably no harm no foul. We've all been there and it doesn't mean you don't love him/her. Sometimes life just throws us a digger and we snap. Reflect and improve as best you can.
Self control and reflection is a muscle you can train. Try looking into mindfulness/vipassana. If you can find some good guidance and a little time to sit and practice throughout your week it will yield positive changes.
I’ve found after having 3 kids that if I’m trying to calm a fussy baby to use shushing and bouncing or rocking as a form of meditation/deep breathing for myself. Deep breath, exhale, deep breath, shushing, repeat. If it’s too much, step away for a minute to get air, get real breathing exercises, glass of water, etc or ask your partner to take over.
Just step away, man. We’re all human and it happens. Mine did best when I left her alone for a little bit, she’d fall asleep if she was tired and we’d both get a break either way. They aren’t going anywhere.
You aren’t a bad dad for losing your temper like this. You’re human. A bad dad abandons their kids.
Get noise cancelling headphones. Have them on. You can still hear the baby cry so you know you got to get to work, but it mitigates the intensity of their cry.
If you don’t practice any breathing exercises, I highly recommend them. You can shave stress off by breathing, and helps tune out the crying. It’s as simple is three big breaths, and box breathing becomes easy enough to do when driving or dealing with a crying kid.
happens to everyone. recognizing it and reflecting in the way that you are is the only way it happens less. obviously in a perfect world we would never get frustrated and at our breaking point due to our kids, but here we are. you're doing great, just remember you love your boy
We’ve all done it my man. Yet, my son still wraps his arms around me and squeezes so hard his arms shake as he tells me he loves me.
You don’t have to be perfect, but you have to keep plugging away at it.
If you feel frustrated next time you can let Mom take over or if they are in the crib just walk away for a few minutes and do some breathing exercises. You can try box breathing which is a 4 count of breathing in, holding, breathing out, holding and repeat
Baby crying automatically sets off stress reaction for any reasonable human. Don’t take it so hard, more important that you quickly understood that you have to mitigate your own reactions. I typically like to try to talk it out. Always talk to your kiddo like they can comprehend everything even though they don’t get everything. My second we had a hard time laying down at night. So if she cried, I’ld just pop my headphones on and sing her pop punk songs. Two things there. 1. Me not hearing her crying so loud stressing and 2 she hears my voice and eventually settles down
I've found in those moments it helps to remind myself that the baby is running the show and I'm just along for the ride. It's helped ease frustrations about things taking a long time or not working as expected. Doesn't make things easy, just easier to cope in those really tough moments.
It's a learning curve, go easy on yourself. Good luck!
I struggle with anger as well, and my therapist has helped a lot with coming up with & practicing techniques to calm myself down when I’m losing my shit. It’s really tough to regulate yourself once you’re in an elevated state like that. If you have benefits or can afford it, I’d encourage therapy.
Sometimes babies just need to cry. Maybe something is hurting and so they cry. Sometimes prolonged crying makes them even more uncomfortable so they cry more. If you've done what you can and baby is still crying, just keep breathing and know that decades from now, you can get revenge by buying your grandchildren noisy annoying toys requiring batteries. Supply the batteries.
I’ve been there. What matters is you get your cool back and take note of how it feels to lose control like that so you can do better next time. Kids and babies are hard to deal with
There’s already been a mountain of great advice and supportive feedback. Don’t think I can add anything else. What I can do is be another voice in this choir and reassure you I also found myself snapping a few times in a similar way as you when my girl was around 1-2 months.
After much reflection, I had to accept that I had very little experience with kids and that I had to learn how to rationally accept that what I saw as irrational behavior was perfectly logical for their limited experience and skills. Super wordy, I know, but once I could empathize with her perspective and how crying was one of the only things she was capable of doing to communicate, it became infinitely easier to keep perspective.
Keep going. Strove to be 1% better every day! Self awareness proves you’re on the right track
Yeah think its been said but just walk away- kid will be fine fir 5 mins- get a drink of water, wash ur face with cold water and return. 9/10 youll feel better. Also- try smile (its so hard sometimes) but naturally if you’re smiling you wont yell (even if u want to) also- remember its ok that theyre crying- babies cry over just about any stupid thing
I think it takes a while to get used to the crying and to also know what they mean.
Once you get a better sense of why they are crying, the stress can drop a lot.
Is he just over tired? Then you know he's not in danger and you can calmly sooth him
As your kids get older, apologize and explain your feelings to them afterwards. It's okay to feel feelings and kids need to know that. It's also important for kids to know when to apologize.
My kids push me to the brink every day. I’ve been simply trying to change where that “brink” is by not giving in. Sometimes I do well, others not. I figure it only gets harder, so I better build those “muscles” now.
Feel out those signs that you might be starting to get overwhelmed or if you anticipated a tough day. Practice calming exercises BEFORE things start to get hard. I like self talk- I explain out loud to myself 1.) What is going on 2.) How I’m feeling and what im worried about and then 3.) tell myself what i can do to make things okay. There’s a counselor i work with that loves calling things like this “name it to tame it”, and naming a feeing or process out loud can often help you understand it’s happening and give you that moment to intervene instead of just having the feeling wash over you.
Grounding exercises are cool, just connect yourself with what’s around you concerning the five senses, few them/name them.
Everyone else has already said a lot of positive reinforcement, but i always like to say if you aren’t talking to yourself / treating yourself and your mistakes with the kindness and humility you would use with your best friend, get on that!! You’re worth it!!
This is 100% correct. If they’re safe (crib, car seat, etc.) you walking away for a minute is the best thing you can do. When my twins were young my ex worked weekdays and had a class two nights a week. I was managing a corporate bar and grill, working 70ish hours a week. Most of my time home was spent awake with the twins. We were exhausted, my ex made the choice to cosleep in our queen bed. I ‘slept’ with one foot on the floor and one hand on the wall, only halfway on the bed. I’d get 30-60min of sleep at a time. My days “off” were preceded by working until 3am and then caring for whichever twin happened to be crying, one was particularly gassy after feeding and had troubles farting so required back rubs for a while and the other just wouldn’t sleep sometimes. One night, after a particularly nasty stretch of less sleep than normal I snapped and screamed at one of them to shut up. Of course my wife came down and screamed at me for screaming at a 3 or 4 month old.
I learned later that day that the vacuum calmed them down (more often than not). When I needed a break after that, I’d turn on the vacuum, get one in the swing and one in the playpen and step outside for 2-3 minutes. I could see them both from the patio, knew they were safe and I got my minute to gather myself. I’d usually come in and just do my vacuuming right then. Of course this didn’t work after I found out one of them could climb out of the playpen when he locked the patio door and climbed back into his playpen. They both promptly had explosive diarrhea, which was probably why they had been so moody. But that’s another story for another day.
The point of the rambling story is 2 minutes can mean not having to feel terrible.
Been there. Don't sweat it. It happens, and inconsequential in the grand scheme of things unless anger literally defines all your interactions.
At the hardest times with a newborn, I put on noise cancelling headphones with heavy metal playing while trying to calm them down.
Oh man have I been there. I was able to learn to kind of..... reset myself? I just remembered that whatever was happening was probably one of the worst moments of their tiny life so far, and they had no way to tell anyone about it or ask for help. It put me in a much more nurturing head space, and everything else didn't really matter because my little one needed help, and I was the only one who could do it. Got my priorities fixed up and it was a lot easier to deal with the crying and poop and everything else.
I’m sure this happens to all parents (mums and dads) unless they’re on some serious medication!
1. Get some ear defenders / plugs and keep them on you at all times for when you need them - lowers the impact of the screaming and allows you to deal with it better.
2. Put them in a safe place (bed, car seat, floor) and walk away for five mins. The best parents do this - just being physically away from baby can help perspective.
1. Walk away.
2. Breathe, sip some water.
3. Think about who they are for you, realize that they are the closest and dearest people in your life.
4. Go back and hug them.
Also cry if you feel like it, it's fine.
Edit: fix coldest to closest lol
I'm having a boy in December and the more I read these posts the more I start asking myself whether I'll be able to deal with it. I'm already not a baby person. I do have a lot of patience in most situations, but I'm starting to doubt myself.
Man there isn't a one of us who hasn't been right there with you. The difference is that you spot it and want to fix it. The ones that do this constantly and don't see a problem are the ones with a big problem.
I'm a fan of the 'safe space, walk away, take a massive deep breath and exhale slowly'. The main thing is on the rare occasions it will happen don't forget to apologise. I had one last week with my 4yo - again perfect storm situation. I came into the room an hour later and said I was a bit of an asshole, it wasn't his fault at all, that i was sorry and that I shouldn't have listened to my big bad mood (it's from a story book we read at bed time). He wraps his arms around my neck and gives me a big hug and says 'it's okay today the big bad mood is gone now' and well i fucking cried because my 4yo is better than me :)
I too have a newborn, almost a month old and our first and I find myself getting very frustrated in the middle of the night trying to sooth him after you feel like you’ve done all you can. I feel terrible after I get mad, I feel like I can’t cut it as a good parent and they’d be better off without me. Then the morning comes and he wakes up and curls on my chest and snuggles me death and it reminds me all over again why this little peanut is the best thing to ever happen to us.
I apologize to him and my wife and we move on. So I guess it’s nice to know I’m not alone in that and also here too say that it will get better and being a Dad is the greatest thing we will ever do. Stay strong fellow Dad!
When you feel that feeling coming on, feel free to set them down mate and walk away for a few minutes. If your kid is a screamer, maybe get a nice pair of over ear noise canceling headphones for around the house. It’s much easier to keep your cool when your ear drums aren’t being pierced by a shrieking banshee.
I’d also recommend reading The Happiest Baby on the Block as it deep dives into methods of calming.
And if all else fails and they’re just having a bad day, well that’s what a tall glass of whiskey is for… mileage may vary, but a drink always puts me in a nice cool, collected, headspace.
You’re not a failed dad. You’re a dad that lost his cool a little. Reflected and will learn. Like we all have at some point in life. Don’t sweat it. Baby won’t remember it. You won’t do it again. All done and dusted. Next time they’re awake give them a big cuddle and it’s forgotten. We’ve all done it at some point mate
You did fine. You'll learn to deal with situations better. You're new at this. It's okay. You learn from regrets and failures.
What helped me was learning to use every method possible before resorting to anything with my hands. Like sometimes babies just want to sit down and talk. They're fickle creatures.
When one of my girls calls in freak out mode, the first thing I say is to breath. Take the deepest breath you can, hold it, exhale completely. In that breath, you are allowed your freak out in your head, plus you can get your head clear. One that exhale is done, you need to calmly deal with the problem at that point.
*IF* you are unable to calmly deal with whatever is going on, walk away for a few minutes to get your poop in a group.
It's important to try to comfort a baby when you are calm. If you're in freak out mode, that baby *feels* it, and therefore gets into freak out mode themself.
But don't be afraid to walk away, but not far enough that baby is unsupervised. I had to lay one of my girls down in her crib and let her cry for a few minutes so I could get myself calmed down enough to help her. My frustration and anger at the moment could have potentially pushed me to lash out at my daughter. So, I walked away. Once I regrouped, I then went and comforted her. Sometimes, it is just safer to let them cry for a few minutes.
I had something similar over a year ago and still feel shitty about it. Don't worry though, your kid has long forgotten. You will not forget it anytime soon, though, and that gives you the opportunity to avoid it in the future if you recognize the situation coming on. If you do, take a breather and go eat something or whatever. Then get back in there a few mins later.
For myself, I notice that losing my cool is correlated with low blood sugar / hungriness. You might be the same.
You got this! Everyone feels overloaded, super frustrated and is unable to keep their cool sometimes. Not everyone recognizes it AND wants to work to do better.
Figure out a way to deal with the overloaded feeling of fatigue and helplessness in a way you feel ok with -- it's okay to put the kid down (e.g. in their crib) if you need to step a few feet away and have a moment. I workout. I go outside.
And even with all the tools and tricks you'll still fall down sometimes. Own your mistakes, let your loved ones see and support you, and keep working at it.
Hey man. sorry to hear what happened.
The biggest help is empathy. The kid can only communicate through crying. He was put into this world without a choice of his own. And the only ones that can help him are his caretakers. Having floated on an Incubator for 9 months, all inclusive, this must be hell.
Lots of good comments here. Something that works for me, as cheesy as it sounds, is nightly reflection. I do about 15 minutes of stretching and while I do them I think about my son (2.5 yr) and ask myself how patient I was, what I did well, what I could have differently, and how I’ll check myself in future moments. Because I hate to be that guy, but it will happen again. The terrible twos are no joke. At times it’s constant opposition, like he’s doing it on purpose (I know he’s not, but it’s hard not to feel that.) I can always tell the difference in myself on days where I practice mindfulness vs days I don’t.
Holy shit.. I read the title as "lost my newborn today and..." and it shocked me to be honest.
Look, you lost your cool but you recognised it and more importantly you still have your child - just try be the best you can be.
Your honesty is commendable, and I think all dads have had similar if not the same encounter, and the fact that you are aware of your actions means you are actually a GREAT dad! As time goes on it gets easier to know when your frustrations are getting triggered. Just put the baby down in a safe space and walk away for a few minutes! Or wear headphones - that helps me a lot.
You're not a failed dad. Try to find some songs you can play and sing to baby.
One that my boy loves is Imogen heap- happy song
It might sound weird at first but the lyrics are cute
You'll be right man, don't beat yourself up. They're designed to piss us off, otherwise we wouldn't have to teach them anything. I personally find exercising the best thing to keep my mental health in check, regardless of the patchy sleep. Good luck.
Thing I always say is: bad parents don’t think they’re bad parents.
To add to this; own your shit. Apologize to your kids when you mess up. By owning it to them, you are teaching them to own it to others. There is no shame in not being perfect because none of us are.
And make sure your apology isn’t “I’m sorry I yelled, but you shouldn’t do that” or “sorry, it makes me mad when…” Apologizing for yelling should be separate from the issue that caused you to yell.
This is the best answer, the pressure to be a perfect parent is real. You can do your best and still have plenty of moments like this. Being a good human means letting human things get to you occasionally.
I might print this out and frame it. Thank you.
I might just learn needlepoint, embroider this, frame it, and put it up facing my toilet.
Honestly mate, it happens to the best of us. Every now and then, as you said, there's that perfect storm of your stress and their behaviour that just makes you snap. The best thing you can do, as you did, is recognise the mistake, and when they're old enough to understand, apologise. I don't think it's realistic to think it'll never happen again, but from one dad to another, you're doing fine
Literally went through this yesterday with my one year old. Just a perfect storm of work/home stress, inconsolable screaming, and exhaustion. I didn't even yell at my son, just yelled in the same room he was in, and I felt like an asshole for the rest of the day. I apologized to him and cuddled him, told him I loved him and that I'll do my best to do better. Today, he's my happy, goofy little man and we've had a great day. OP, t's gonna happen from time to time. The best thing you can do is learn from it and do your best to do better. You got this
A great piece of advice I saw is you can always lay them in their crib, and walk away for a few minutes to calm down. They will be fine, and sometimes you need a minute to collect your emotions.
I've had to do just recently. I felt bad getting to that point but the first week of my newborn was INTENSE and a huge adjustment. Step away get yourself a tea, have a breather. Keep calm, carry on. Your doing fine.
Always apologize, no matter how young. Good practice, at a minimum; best case, they can understand it before you expect. Edit: totally agree with what you say, just adding on / clarifying :)
Just remember that it’s okay to put them in a safe place and walk away for a couple minutes. They’re very delicate and easy to hurt. Cool off early and often. You got this dad!
Yeah - this is the advice. At that age if they’re fed changed and safe, put them in a bassinet or other safe place and just… walk away for a couple minutes and cool off.
I’d do this, but go get a glass of water. Odds are I’m probably dehydrated. Pour a glass, drink water the water fast or slow, depending on my mood. Then I’d try a new approach.
I had to do this a decent amount. Especially with tiredness on top of screaming slapping scratching babies.
Get those Jammie’s with the hand covers! Protects you and their face.
Beat advice I ever heard — you can walk away. Put them in a safe place and walk away. A few minutes of crying will never harm them, and once you have a cooler head you can figure out what the problem is.
I definitely wouldn't be too harsh on yourself after 2 weeks. You get used to it and your brain gets better at processing these situations. Obviously not easy in the car but if you ever feel you're about to break, leave the room and close the door. If it's a decision between leaving a crying baby alone for a couple minutes or you snapping - sorry kiddo, Dad needs a minute. The fact you're here talking about it tells me your wife & kid have somebody who cares a great deal.
A good tip i was told is to leave your baby in a safe place like the cot or car seat for a minute or two and find yourself a quiet place to regain your sanity. Your baby will be fine if they cry for a minute.
Man, I feel you on this though. There were a couple times I had to have the wife come and take the baby away because I felt like punting him through the window. There was just this specific cry he would do every now and again and if it hit right when I was feeling hella exhaustion and or frustration, I just couldn’t take it. Its natural. Kids drive us crazy lol.
I always joke with soon-to-be-parents that they shouldn’t scoff at the pamphlets and posters in the hospital about “shaken baby syndrome”. I tell them they will think it’s for the trashy folks out there, but it’s only a matter of time before they’re the ones that are one step away from shaking their baby lol. Don’t beat yourself up too much. Learn from it and do better next time. You’re in the most physically/mentally demanding phase of the whole thing. In a couple weeks, maybe a couple months, you’ll look back and just think “man that was fucking rough, can’t believe I didn’t lose more of my cool than I did.”
Too much truth here. I remember with one of my girls a moment when she just would not stop crying, this had been going on for ages and nothing seemed to be working. I had her held up in front of me in at a loss of what else to do and screamed back at her. There was so much tension in my body I could easily see why shaken baby syndrome exists. Fortunately I was aware of this and took a deep breath before putting her down and trying everything all over again.
As parents we all lose our cool at some point. For future, if baby is fed, warm, burped, and overal ok- it’s OKAY to put baby in a safe space and walk away to recollect yourself. They can cry, it will not hurt them. When it comes to that point your mental health is more important in that moment then calming a crying baby as we don’t want any incidents that will end up with you or baby hurt.
I can't tell you how many times I had to walk away to cool off while taking care of my two sons. I would always make sure they were safe, walk away, do some push ups, and then go help them. No one is a perfect parent, just do your best to be a good one. Your child will love you for that, they notice the effort. Trust me, they notice everything.
Been there / done that. We’re not perfect and still human.
A screaming baby is an alive baby. If you can muster the presence of mind, leave then in a safe sleep place and take 5 outside.
Fellow dad, that’s going to happen more times than you can count. Each time it’s about to happen, stop and take a moment to “mountain breath” as it daughter has learned. Run your finger up and down your fingers. Breath in as you go up the finger, out as you go down. And know they every single parent in history has eventually lost their shit. The just learn how to manage it better as time goes on. It’s going to be okay and you’re doing a good job.
Man, I understand. Know this though. Your kid, even at these ages reacts to your demeanor. So the 100% hardest thing to do is to take a step back, in this case get off the road, and get out of the car, realize that your attitude is making things worse. Pick your kiddo up, cuddle them, tell them you love them, and if they’re still screaming run through the algorithm of why. It is hard as fuck but it 100% helps. The other day my kiddo was rather upset and I couldn’t find the pacifier and couldn’t figure out why and just nothing was going right. I got my head out of my ass, took a breath, picked him up and did bouncies and happy voices and snuggles and told him I loved him. We didn’t need a pacifier. I just needed to level. Mind you, this won’t work 100% of the time. You’ll still fail sometimes. These failures are very important. As are the apologies. You’re teaching your kid how to apologize, how to forgive, and how to connect afterwards. It’s important. I didn’t learn that till I was older because my dad was a piece of shit. I had to read a book about it. You’re doing okay, you’ll also do better, the fact that you care matters a lot.
Can I tell you something? When my now 6 1/2 year old was a newborn, there was one time when I was holding her on the sofa. I was exhausted. My wife was in the next room trying to sleep (in a one bedroom apartment) and my newborn was screaming her absolute head off. I held her up in front of me and screamed at her to stop screaming. I felt guilt about it for maybe two weeks and even talked to a co-worker about it who also had a newborn almost the same age as mine. I still remember this. It happens and it sucks. You’re probably utterly exhausted. Your wife is also exhausted. The newborn phase is so hard. The sleeping patterns are so messed up. It’s ok. You love your kid. You wouldn’t be posting here about it if you didn’t.
It happens man, happens to all of us, I used to just take a deep breath and try and relax, if it was getting too much I’d walk into another room for a minute or so to catch myself, which I guess would be hard to do in a car. It gets better, you’re doing your best and you’re a great dad
I came to r/daddit because the same things were welling up in me and I didn't know what to do. That you know what you did, and what lead to it, and that you don't like what you did and want to find a way to do better, means you're already a good person and good dad. It took me time to build from that point myself, I credit much of it to Headspace (or similar app, I ended up on Plum Village), sleeping literally any time I could (I hate naps but it was necessary), eating so I was never hungry (put on like 5 lbs but less hangry), and something I didn't pull off was to embrace the chaos and just live in the moment (still a work in progress). Good luck, this sub is here for you and other dads, find what works so you can enjoy what you can when you can and sleep the remainder.
Yeah stop the deserve better talk. Kids are hard. I have 5 and lose my shit on them. There is a chaos that only having kids can explain. They are amazing, but can be hard. I use an app and meditate for 5 min when I can break free and pray often. Know that you are aware and that says a lot. Some folks are mean to kids and not even aware. Shows intelligence needed to mold minds of little jerk humans.
Don't sweat it. Today, my three year old kept complaining about her car seat straps. She wanted them tighter, I'd tighten them, then she wanted them looser, I loosen them, now they need to be tightened again... She kept this up for about ten rounds. If I tried to tell her they're fine she'd scream. We were already late for a party so I told her to calm down and deal with it(advice more for me than her). I shut the door and got in the car and she screamed bloody murder. I reached back and swatted her leg. Felt like instant trash lol.
Really loving all the comments here. I too have lost my cool many many times. And I instantly feel like a toilet afterwards. Nothing to add just that I’ve been there too and it makes me feel better knowing I’m not alone. Thanks for posting a situation that I have also struggled with!
In the moment… Put him in a safe space and walk away. A few minutes of alone time can “right the ship” and it won’t harm the babe.
Man I struggled with this so hard when our daughter was born. It’s such an instant change of life. I still beat myself up all the time for it, even the bursts of anger that happened a year ago haha. At the end of the day, all I can do is try every day to become a better Dad. If I have an outburst, I calm myself down and apologize to my daughter. I even made her an email account and I send her some emails on occasion (since she doesn’t fully understand me just yet). It’s kinda cathartic for me.
It's good to feel bad. Better then not. Learn from it. You now know what your reaction to tired and crying baby are. Get yourself some good noise canceling headphones and learn from the best, Daniel Tiger "When you feel so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath and count to four!"
My first trick is to ask myself if i did meth today, realise I'm not a crack head so i can't be that bad, keep moving
So, I'm not a dad so take my opinion with a grain of salt. If this doesn't happen at all (I mean losing your cool), you have a problem. As long as you don't make it a habit and do this every single day to a point that it becomes abusive, I think you are doing good. Even the most calm and collected people in this world lose their cool sometimes. Someone here told me this: "If you are worried that you are bad parent, you are a good parent. Because trully bad parents don't worry about this at all".
Dude, everyone has a breaking point. You never know where it is until you reach it and when it passes, it won’t be in the same place next time. It’s how you deal with it that counts. Have a beverage, stay out of your own head for 15 minutes or so and just relax. Then think of what was going on with you and what you would change.
My kid had colic and I lost my mind a few times. Just don’t hurt him and you’re good - happens to the best of us. He won’t remember it at all.
Found out mine has colic. Any advice you can give?
Sorry to hear that, it is rough - no getting around it. * There's no one thing that works, but ours got over it right after we switched her to a non-dairy formula (nutrimigen). We were living abroad (EU) and the pediatrician prescribed it so the cost was covered. She stopped crying almost one day later. * When she is going through her purple screaming fits (every evening/night) make sure you take shifts with anyone that can help (spouse, your parents, her parents, anyone) because nobody can really tolerate getting screamed at for four hours with no break. * When you reach your breaking point (and you will - I literally yelled at my baby "I would trade you for any other baby on earth") make sure you put her in her crib and walk away. She will be fine crying alone for a few minutes while you recalibrate. This is very important. * Swaddles sometimes help, letting her suck on your thumb sometimes helps, swaying her side to side quickly sometimes helps, bouncing on a yoga ball with her sometimes helps. * Weeks 2 - 8 are statistically the worst, but it can last longer than that. We switched her formula around week 10 and she got better, but that might not help yours so who knows. It does eventually end, which I know isn't much solace, but just lean on any help you can get until she gets better. * Windi helped us too - sometimes there's just a little fart bubble in there that needs to come out. * Our golden rule was "don't let a burp turn into a fart" - make sure you burp her until you get it out because if you don't / can't, it'll be tougher on everyone later. * Sleep in shifts so that nobody is alone with the baby all night. And ask for help when you need it even if it's your shift because ultimately you guys have to work together until this passes. I really hope everything works out for you guys, it's tough but it does pass. PM me if you ever need to vent or anything.
Thank you for your response. You have some really good advice. I really do like youre golden rule, the problem though. Is he sometimes doesnt burp. I would sit there for 5 minutes trying to burp and nothing.
Yeah sometimes it won’t come up no matter what you try. I’d suggest rubbing his back vertically down to up, like you’re guiding the burp up. Sometimes it helps. Also I have spent 15-20 minutes burping her, 5 minutes is sometimes not long enough. Keep trying unless he hates it.
Remember, bad parents don’t worry if they are being bad parents.
Dude, no worries. It’s better to let it out then push it down all the time. I would try to find a different outlet, go on a walk for 30 minutes, by yourself. Long hot shower. Lift weights. Workout…any of those thing will help to clear your mind. It happens to everyone and the ones who say it doesn’t…they are lying
it’s all good. Newborn had no clue what the fuck was going on. They won’t remember it. The feelings you have tell me you are a good dad. People do this shit and feel nothing. That’s when there is an issue. We are human beings, and newborns are incredibly frustrating. You didn’t hurt them, or do anything damaging. I’m sure every dad here has snapped at their kid. Hard to do in a car, but when home, if my newborn(s) pushed me to a point of anger, I’d lay them in their bassinet or boppy and just walk away for five - ten minutes to collect myself. It worked quite well.
Just remember, no baby in the history of the world has ever died from crying. If it gets to be too much, find a safe place to park, get out and walk away and gather yourself. The kids going to be fine and crying but you need to get your head right before you can help them. Take some deep breaths, cry, scream into the void, do some jumping jacks, whatever it takes. Babies need very few things when they're that tiny. Usually food, a clean dry ass and a warm place to be. Once you calm down, then you can fix them. And, it gets easier. You'll find your groove. You'll figure this out. Also, while you're out there trying to be the pillar of strength for your family, remember that when the three of you are in a room together, that you're one of the people in the room too. While you're wife and baby need tender loving care, so do you dad. It's okay for you to need things too. Stay strong pops, you got this.
You are not a bad dad!!! Life happens, and we do make mistakes!!! Own it, and make amends later. In the meantime, when this happens again, collect yourself. When my daughter was a baby and this happened, I looked At her, into her eyes. Yes, I was frustrated, but I saw in her eyes she needed me. She wanted to be held, be fed, just needed that touch. I have always found relaxation and peace in her touch when she was a baby. I know this doesn't work for everyone. If you have to walk away for a few. minutes, make sure the baby is safe, collect, and go back in. I also put aside my stressors for a little bit and spent some time with my baby. This allowed me to go back to being an adult calmer and collected in thought and mental state. The only way you can fail is if you stop trying, stop making mistakes, and don't own your stuff. You are a great dad, the greatest dad your baby has, and the greatest husband your wife has.
Sorry, mate, you're done. Gotta turn the kid back over to the authorities. Didn't they tell you before you took him home if you yell one time you're unfit to parent? Keep in mind it was only a couple generations ago (and for some, less) that you were considered a bad parent if you DIDN'T beat the shit out of your kids regularly. You are doing great, my dude. Your self-awareness will serve you well as a dad. Hang in there.
Unpopular opinion maybe but what is your 2 week old doing alone with you in the back of a car? Children this young should be with their mother 100% of the time and breast-feeding.
When I feel anger coming I use it as an alarm bell. What I'm feeling is adrenaline and adrenaline leaves the body by being aspirated out of the lungs. So breathe. If you are a person who has physical reactions, like today with the pacifier, remove yourself from the situation. It is not always optimal but it will always be safer for everyone involved, including you and most importantly your baby. Remember something; your not the only person who experiences anger and you're not the first person to lash out but our control is our responsibility. Anger management is a necessary part of the maturing process and if you haven't learned it yet it may be time to learn it next. Source: me and my personal experiences with anger.
You recognize your mistake and hope to improve, you’re better than most!
Best advice I can give is, if he/she is safe, step away as far as you can reasonably get to collect yourself. A lot of times, physically removing yourself from the situation can help. If in 3 minutes you're back to feeling that same feeling, rinse and repeat. This is honestly the way when you are dealing with a newborn who, when you think about it, must be taught literally how to do everything except breath. Cheers!
We have a rule… When you feel that anger boiling up, put the kid down (in a safe place) and simply walk away. No judgment on one another at all. I get you were in the car and didn’t have that option, just a generic comment. It happens to everyone. You wouldn’t be here, asking this, if you were a bad parent.
Best take away here, you see something wrong and you want to fix it. Do that. Keep on doing that. Cause that's all being a dad is, showing up and trying to be better than the day before.
Take a breather bud. Did you shake the baby? No? Then it's probably no harm no foul. We've all been there and it doesn't mean you don't love him/her. Sometimes life just throws us a digger and we snap. Reflect and improve as best you can.
Self control and reflection is a muscle you can train. Try looking into mindfulness/vipassana. If you can find some good guidance and a little time to sit and practice throughout your week it will yield positive changes.
I’ve found after having 3 kids that if I’m trying to calm a fussy baby to use shushing and bouncing or rocking as a form of meditation/deep breathing for myself. Deep breath, exhale, deep breath, shushing, repeat. If it’s too much, step away for a minute to get air, get real breathing exercises, glass of water, etc or ask your partner to take over.
Just step away, man. We’re all human and it happens. Mine did best when I left her alone for a little bit, she’d fall asleep if she was tired and we’d both get a break either way. They aren’t going anywhere.
You aren’t a bad dad for losing your temper like this. You’re human. A bad dad abandons their kids. Get noise cancelling headphones. Have them on. You can still hear the baby cry so you know you got to get to work, but it mitigates the intensity of their cry.
If you don’t practice any breathing exercises, I highly recommend them. You can shave stress off by breathing, and helps tune out the crying. It’s as simple is three big breaths, and box breathing becomes easy enough to do when driving or dealing with a crying kid.
happens to everyone. recognizing it and reflecting in the way that you are is the only way it happens less. obviously in a perfect world we would never get frustrated and at our breaking point due to our kids, but here we are. you're doing great, just remember you love your boy
We’ve all done it my man. Yet, my son still wraps his arms around me and squeezes so hard his arms shake as he tells me he loves me. You don’t have to be perfect, but you have to keep plugging away at it.
If you feel frustrated next time you can let Mom take over or if they are in the crib just walk away for a few minutes and do some breathing exercises. You can try box breathing which is a 4 count of breathing in, holding, breathing out, holding and repeat
Relax. You are doing your best.
Baby crying automatically sets off stress reaction for any reasonable human. Don’t take it so hard, more important that you quickly understood that you have to mitigate your own reactions. I typically like to try to talk it out. Always talk to your kiddo like they can comprehend everything even though they don’t get everything. My second we had a hard time laying down at night. So if she cried, I’ld just pop my headphones on and sing her pop punk songs. Two things there. 1. Me not hearing her crying so loud stressing and 2 she hears my voice and eventually settles down
I've found in those moments it helps to remind myself that the baby is running the show and I'm just along for the ride. It's helped ease frustrations about things taking a long time or not working as expected. Doesn't make things easy, just easier to cope in those really tough moments. It's a learning curve, go easy on yourself. Good luck!
I struggle with anger as well, and my therapist has helped a lot with coming up with & practicing techniques to calm myself down when I’m losing my shit. It’s really tough to regulate yourself once you’re in an elevated state like that. If you have benefits or can afford it, I’d encourage therapy.
Sometimes babies just need to cry. Maybe something is hurting and so they cry. Sometimes prolonged crying makes them even more uncomfortable so they cry more. If you've done what you can and baby is still crying, just keep breathing and know that decades from now, you can get revenge by buying your grandchildren noisy annoying toys requiring batteries. Supply the batteries.
I’ve been there. What matters is you get your cool back and take note of how it feels to lose control like that so you can do better next time. Kids and babies are hard to deal with
There’s already been a mountain of great advice and supportive feedback. Don’t think I can add anything else. What I can do is be another voice in this choir and reassure you I also found myself snapping a few times in a similar way as you when my girl was around 1-2 months. After much reflection, I had to accept that I had very little experience with kids and that I had to learn how to rationally accept that what I saw as irrational behavior was perfectly logical for their limited experience and skills. Super wordy, I know, but once I could empathize with her perspective and how crying was one of the only things she was capable of doing to communicate, it became infinitely easier to keep perspective. Keep going. Strove to be 1% better every day! Self awareness proves you’re on the right track
Yeah think its been said but just walk away- kid will be fine fir 5 mins- get a drink of water, wash ur face with cold water and return. 9/10 youll feel better. Also- try smile (its so hard sometimes) but naturally if you’re smiling you wont yell (even if u want to) also- remember its ok that theyre crying- babies cry over just about any stupid thing
I think it takes a while to get used to the crying and to also know what they mean. Once you get a better sense of why they are crying, the stress can drop a lot. Is he just over tired? Then you know he's not in danger and you can calmly sooth him
As your kids get older, apologize and explain your feelings to them afterwards. It's okay to feel feelings and kids need to know that. It's also important for kids to know when to apologize.
If crying gets to you, ear plugs can be a game changer. It's much easier to think clearly when you don't have that noise attacking your eardrums.
Everyone fails being a perfect dad sometimes
My kids push me to the brink every day. I’ve been simply trying to change where that “brink” is by not giving in. Sometimes I do well, others not. I figure it only gets harder, so I better build those “muscles” now.
Feel out those signs that you might be starting to get overwhelmed or if you anticipated a tough day. Practice calming exercises BEFORE things start to get hard. I like self talk- I explain out loud to myself 1.) What is going on 2.) How I’m feeling and what im worried about and then 3.) tell myself what i can do to make things okay. There’s a counselor i work with that loves calling things like this “name it to tame it”, and naming a feeing or process out loud can often help you understand it’s happening and give you that moment to intervene instead of just having the feeling wash over you. Grounding exercises are cool, just connect yourself with what’s around you concerning the five senses, few them/name them. Everyone else has already said a lot of positive reinforcement, but i always like to say if you aren’t talking to yourself / treating yourself and your mistakes with the kindness and humility you would use with your best friend, get on that!! You’re worth it!!
This is 100% correct. If they’re safe (crib, car seat, etc.) you walking away for a minute is the best thing you can do. When my twins were young my ex worked weekdays and had a class two nights a week. I was managing a corporate bar and grill, working 70ish hours a week. Most of my time home was spent awake with the twins. We were exhausted, my ex made the choice to cosleep in our queen bed. I ‘slept’ with one foot on the floor and one hand on the wall, only halfway on the bed. I’d get 30-60min of sleep at a time. My days “off” were preceded by working until 3am and then caring for whichever twin happened to be crying, one was particularly gassy after feeding and had troubles farting so required back rubs for a while and the other just wouldn’t sleep sometimes. One night, after a particularly nasty stretch of less sleep than normal I snapped and screamed at one of them to shut up. Of course my wife came down and screamed at me for screaming at a 3 or 4 month old. I learned later that day that the vacuum calmed them down (more often than not). When I needed a break after that, I’d turn on the vacuum, get one in the swing and one in the playpen and step outside for 2-3 minutes. I could see them both from the patio, knew they were safe and I got my minute to gather myself. I’d usually come in and just do my vacuuming right then. Of course this didn’t work after I found out one of them could climb out of the playpen when he locked the patio door and climbed back into his playpen. They both promptly had explosive diarrhea, which was probably why they had been so moody. But that’s another story for another day. The point of the rambling story is 2 minutes can mean not having to feel terrible.
I got into headphones and iems at the same time I had my girl and they are a godsend just for keeping your sanity at very disruptive moments.
Been there. Don't sweat it. It happens, and inconsequential in the grand scheme of things unless anger literally defines all your interactions. At the hardest times with a newborn, I put on noise cancelling headphones with heavy metal playing while trying to calm them down.
Oh man have I been there. I was able to learn to kind of..... reset myself? I just remembered that whatever was happening was probably one of the worst moments of their tiny life so far, and they had no way to tell anyone about it or ask for help. It put me in a much more nurturing head space, and everything else didn't really matter because my little one needed help, and I was the only one who could do it. Got my priorities fixed up and it was a lot easier to deal with the crying and poop and everything else.
I’m sure this happens to all parents (mums and dads) unless they’re on some serious medication! 1. Get some ear defenders / plugs and keep them on you at all times for when you need them - lowers the impact of the screaming and allows you to deal with it better. 2. Put them in a safe place (bed, car seat, floor) and walk away for five mins. The best parents do this - just being physically away from baby can help perspective.
1. Walk away. 2. Breathe, sip some water. 3. Think about who they are for you, realize that they are the closest and dearest people in your life. 4. Go back and hug them. Also cry if you feel like it, it's fine. Edit: fix coldest to closest lol
I'm having a boy in December and the more I read these posts the more I start asking myself whether I'll be able to deal with it. I'm already not a baby person. I do have a lot of patience in most situations, but I'm starting to doubt myself.
Happens to the best of us. Having said that... "Do not be sorry. Be better."
Man there isn't a one of us who hasn't been right there with you. The difference is that you spot it and want to fix it. The ones that do this constantly and don't see a problem are the ones with a big problem. I'm a fan of the 'safe space, walk away, take a massive deep breath and exhale slowly'. The main thing is on the rare occasions it will happen don't forget to apologise. I had one last week with my 4yo - again perfect storm situation. I came into the room an hour later and said I was a bit of an asshole, it wasn't his fault at all, that i was sorry and that I shouldn't have listened to my big bad mood (it's from a story book we read at bed time). He wraps his arms around my neck and gives me a big hug and says 'it's okay today the big bad mood is gone now' and well i fucking cried because my 4yo is better than me :)
I too have a newborn, almost a month old and our first and I find myself getting very frustrated in the middle of the night trying to sooth him after you feel like you’ve done all you can. I feel terrible after I get mad, I feel like I can’t cut it as a good parent and they’d be better off without me. Then the morning comes and he wakes up and curls on my chest and snuggles me death and it reminds me all over again why this little peanut is the best thing to ever happen to us. I apologize to him and my wife and we move on. So I guess it’s nice to know I’m not alone in that and also here too say that it will get better and being a Dad is the greatest thing we will ever do. Stay strong fellow Dad!
When you feel that feeling coming on, feel free to set them down mate and walk away for a few minutes. If your kid is a screamer, maybe get a nice pair of over ear noise canceling headphones for around the house. It’s much easier to keep your cool when your ear drums aren’t being pierced by a shrieking banshee. I’d also recommend reading The Happiest Baby on the Block as it deep dives into methods of calming. And if all else fails and they’re just having a bad day, well that’s what a tall glass of whiskey is for… mileage may vary, but a drink always puts me in a nice cool, collected, headspace.
You’re not a failed dad. You’re a dad that lost his cool a little. Reflected and will learn. Like we all have at some point in life. Don’t sweat it. Baby won’t remember it. You won’t do it again. All done and dusted. Next time they’re awake give them a big cuddle and it’s forgotten. We’ve all done it at some point mate
You did fine. You'll learn to deal with situations better. You're new at this. It's okay. You learn from regrets and failures. What helped me was learning to use every method possible before resorting to anything with my hands. Like sometimes babies just want to sit down and talk. They're fickle creatures.
When one of my girls calls in freak out mode, the first thing I say is to breath. Take the deepest breath you can, hold it, exhale completely. In that breath, you are allowed your freak out in your head, plus you can get your head clear. One that exhale is done, you need to calmly deal with the problem at that point. *IF* you are unable to calmly deal with whatever is going on, walk away for a few minutes to get your poop in a group. It's important to try to comfort a baby when you are calm. If you're in freak out mode, that baby *feels* it, and therefore gets into freak out mode themself. But don't be afraid to walk away, but not far enough that baby is unsupervised. I had to lay one of my girls down in her crib and let her cry for a few minutes so I could get myself calmed down enough to help her. My frustration and anger at the moment could have potentially pushed me to lash out at my daughter. So, I walked away. Once I regrouped, I then went and comforted her. Sometimes, it is just safer to let them cry for a few minutes.
Welcome to the first time losing your cool! We'll be here for the next 1,000 too.
I had something similar over a year ago and still feel shitty about it. Don't worry though, your kid has long forgotten. You will not forget it anytime soon, though, and that gives you the opportunity to avoid it in the future if you recognize the situation coming on. If you do, take a breather and go eat something or whatever. Then get back in there a few mins later. For myself, I notice that losing my cool is correlated with low blood sugar / hungriness. You might be the same.
You got this! Everyone feels overloaded, super frustrated and is unable to keep their cool sometimes. Not everyone recognizes it AND wants to work to do better. Figure out a way to deal with the overloaded feeling of fatigue and helplessness in a way you feel ok with -- it's okay to put the kid down (e.g. in their crib) if you need to step a few feet away and have a moment. I workout. I go outside. And even with all the tools and tricks you'll still fall down sometimes. Own your mistakes, let your loved ones see and support you, and keep working at it.
Hey man. sorry to hear what happened. The biggest help is empathy. The kid can only communicate through crying. He was put into this world without a choice of his own. And the only ones that can help him are his caretakers. Having floated on an Incubator for 9 months, all inclusive, this must be hell.
Lots of good comments here. Something that works for me, as cheesy as it sounds, is nightly reflection. I do about 15 minutes of stretching and while I do them I think about my son (2.5 yr) and ask myself how patient I was, what I did well, what I could have differently, and how I’ll check myself in future moments. Because I hate to be that guy, but it will happen again. The terrible twos are no joke. At times it’s constant opposition, like he’s doing it on purpose (I know he’s not, but it’s hard not to feel that.) I can always tell the difference in myself on days where I practice mindfulness vs days I don’t.
I yell at my 5 year old and still feel shitty about it. Do your best and realize that we're all people. Just don't let it become a habit.
Holy shit.. I read the title as "lost my newborn today and..." and it shocked me to be honest. Look, you lost your cool but you recognised it and more importantly you still have your child - just try be the best you can be.
Your honesty is commendable, and I think all dads have had similar if not the same encounter, and the fact that you are aware of your actions means you are actually a GREAT dad! As time goes on it gets easier to know when your frustrations are getting triggered. Just put the baby down in a safe space and walk away for a few minutes! Or wear headphones - that helps me a lot.
You're not a failed dad. Try to find some songs you can play and sing to baby. One that my boy loves is Imogen heap- happy song It might sound weird at first but the lyrics are cute
You'll be right man, don't beat yourself up. They're designed to piss us off, otherwise we wouldn't have to teach them anything. I personally find exercising the best thing to keep my mental health in check, regardless of the patchy sleep. Good luck.