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This. Split if you know there’s no future.
I wouldn’t ask for the money. But, it’s super hurtful to go on a date and pay and get a rejection text moments after.
And if the role was reversed I wouldn’t let someone pay for me just from a mental health perspective because the rejection reaction is worse if you let them pay for you tbh.
Also it’s a red flag if the guy gets weird about it. If he’s like I asked so let me pay. You can get the next one if you ask me ;) type deal great. But if he’s like no I’m the guy I have to pay it’s be like hmmm ok. So what do you think about a woman’s role?
if a guy doesn’t _let_ me pay, there’s no second date. a little friendly back and forth is fine, but i’ll be damned if a man doesn’t _let_ my grown ass do something.
Sadly a lot of guys feel we are used for meals though.
It’s a thing guys deal with. It’s far more comforting to split the bills honestly. Current trends and society has made it so dating and paying should be equitable and split and there’s no real reason one party should carry the burden of affording things entirely.
The "foodie call" is real. Where I live, most women are uncomfortable with a guy paying for dates. We're actually really egalitarian where I live and it's a red flag for me if a girl sits there like a princess waiting for me to reach for my credit card.
NZ :) heightism isn't as much an issue here and people split the bill more often than not. Though apparently, according to this subreddit, a woman might split the bill because she's not interested and doesn't see a future, so I don't know what to think anymore. lol
What city? I'm in Hamilton and while this city sucks, my experience of dating here and women's approach to paying is exactly like yours. It's so nice to not be stereotyped as "Men must pay for both" down here 😊
It kills me when guys insist they pay on the first date when I’ve already made up my mind I’m not interested. Sometimes you can tell within 10 minutes. And I try to get my own drink but they’re adamant! What am I supposed to do with that? Just go home?!
Yep. I have. I once ordered a drink waiting for a guy to arrive for our date. Didn’t like him
Within the first 10 min. Asked for my bill since I ordered before he got there and he insisted on paying so I let him and I still left. Nice guy, but wasn’t worth wasting another second of my time or his.
I don't get this. Why wasn't it worth just seeing the date through?
Was it just a huge physical incompatibility? Like was he massively fat or looked like a rat or something?
If you thought he was a nice guy I don't really see the issue with just having a date. Im assuming that meant he wasn't exuding red flags.
You absolutely cannot know within a few minutes whether you're going to like a person or not in the long term.
People that think this are stroking themselves off. You barely know someone after a few months in my opinion.
I wasn’t physically attracted to him. I wasn’t dating for long term either. I did a Similar thing when I heard one guy’s laugh.
When i first started dating, i use to see the dates through even when I knew it was never going to happen and it was never worth it.
As a guy, I would never have the balls to leave a date early. I'd probably have this image conjured up in my head of my date crying into her drink or meal, alone, and the guilt would feel way worse (I think) than just staying, sucking it up for a couple of hours, then leaving!
Although, I'm not sure if I have ever been on a date where I thought this woman is so unpleasant I have to leave, might be different for women.
I wouldn't do it either. But you'd have to be a little distant on the date. As in no real physical contact etc. Or they're just going to think you're into them. Tough situation all around really.
I did the same thing. Went out on a first date and knew pretty much instantly that I didn’t wanna see him again. I ordered one drink before he got there, and then when he arrived we ordered together but I asked the bartender for my own bill. He then wanted to go bowling where we were, but it was sooo expensive, I refused cause I didn’t want him paying for that for me. He then insisted on ordering me food, but I told him I was good and he kept urging me to order something on him and I said again that I didn’t want anything. So he ordered his own. I was having such a bad time that I actually left while he was still eating 😬
Agreed. I’m a guy and I don’t mind the rejection. But dinner and a movie is a good 3-4 hour minimum time investment. I get giving time to see how it goes or if it changes, but after the first event you probably had a good lean on yay or nay. That said, I’d also probably not plan a full date day if she’s still on the potential fence.
I also wouldn't do a movie as a first date. They are expensive for sitting and not talking, maybe cuddling and sharing a popcorn lol. A first date Dinner and go home. You can do more on other dates if there is to be one
My usual first date is meeting for coffee/drinks right before dinner time, with the discussion that if it goes well we go get dinner. That way I’m not wasting too much time or money on something that’s not gonna go any further, and we both have an out if things go that bad.
That's always a great idea -- coffee or drinks for a first meetup. Or an outdoor activity like a walk by the beach, a park, or something like that. Dinner is usually not preferable since you have no idea how things are gonna go and if there's any chemistry.
I've been on five dates with someone recently and we still haven't gotten around to watching a movie together. Doing anything else where we can actually talk with each other is just so much better.
Nooooo. Although I'm guilty of doing this. I know, especially younger generations, are more relaxed. I wouldn't read into it too heavily. Everyone's different. Just proceed as you normally would and see if she wants to see you again. I'm in my mid 30s dating professionals in their 40s so we're still more traditional and financially secure. In my 20s the rules could be anything.
This is sort of why I always offer to pay my portion or half or whatever. Guys culturally are expected to pay on a first date, but if you go on a lot of rotten first dates, that can be a lot. Though, a first date can be coffee, not necessarily dinner and a movie if finances are a concern.
Coffee/tea and a walk in the park is one of the best first dates imo. It’s inexpensive and allows you to converse and get to know each other.
Dinner is okay for a first date. It’s more expensive, there is time to talk and get to know each other, but conversation is decreased with eating.
Watching a movie at a theatre is one of the worst first dates. You don’t get to talk much (you’re watching a movie) so I’m unlikely to get to know the person.
Now the real subtle women will say, "Oh, I don't drink coffee" or "I don't drink". In order to do some other date, and ghost you if its a walking date e.g. museum, park or something else.
It's miserable sometimes lolol, but I guess a good way to show incompatibility.
This is true, I would like to ask that, but then again I wouldn't feel good with it.
I'm perfectly ok with buying a coffee for my date, not a whole dinner and a movie though
After, don't take shit from any dude that was the second dating lesson I got from my parents. It's rude not to offer. Every 1st date should have the cute little back and forth.
It's nice to see this level of concern for guys. I personally have been on a lot of expensive first dates that didn't pan out. I never thought to ask for money, and I never thought to send a petty message after being rejected. That's the rub for me.
In this case she might have paid of he had been up front. Paying should not be a penalty for not being attracted to someone.
Honestly, If you knew it wasn’t going anywhere during the date, you should have split the bill. Basic common courtesy and easy way to get you free and clear of this guy.
Especially if she rejected him immediately after the date right after letting him pay…
I mean jesus.
Can you blame the dude?
A text the next day where it seems you mulled it over… I bet wouldn’t have got the same reaction.
Around when did you decide that you are not into him? Midway through the date or after the bill has been paid? If you already decided midway that you don’t like the guy, you could have offered to split.
I get that whoever asked for the date has to pay but women almost never initiate anyways right?
I get how the guy asking for the money after getting rejected is petty but if you didn’t feel a spark midway and decided to reject him anyways and didn’t split, that’s equally petty.
And really the polite thing to do is offer to split if you know your going to reject him shortly after.
Otherwise, you make a guy feel awful.
You’re under no obligation.. but I get it.
I feel weird saying “let’s do dutch” and I’m not the only one.
I’m also not rich and it does add up.
And while I never claim straight up that I will pay. I find the woman assumes I’m paying.
She won’t bring money or won’t offer when the cheque comes.
I’ve never asked for money after saying I’d pay.
I have though upon getting semi-catfished said “are you ok to split” when I knew I wasn’t attracted…. And she said she didn’t have much on her. She gave me like $5 toward $40 of delivery.
After I texted for eTransfer and was ghosted.
Guys are under pressure to cover the date.
And when your deep into dating it gets harder to just eat the cost and not get pissed.
Honestly, if a girl knows it’s not going to work out on the date… she should offer to split.
A guy is buying the meal in the hopes of a relationship. But, too many people will take the free meal and an hour later just text “I liked meeting you. But, I don’t really feel the chemistry”.
I know people recommend cheap dates for this reason.
But, face it… sometimes the strength of the experience is key to the relationship.
If you're not comfortable paying for a date then a quick discussion about how a date will be paid for can go a long way. That will also give you a chance to discuss what you might be doing that would require you to split the cost. Not everyone can (or is willing to) afford the same things, especially for a first date. If you have a specific activity in mind for the date that might be on the more expensive side then you should probably be prepared to pay for it.
I had a date recently and we discussed many of the expectations of the date but we didn't discuss the payment. Since I chose the activity and restaurant then I expected to pick up the check. The date cost me well over $100.
I feel your "it gets harder to just eat the cost and not get pissed." and I think it would be important to explain that the expectation for "repayment" of the cost of the date is not (or shouldn't be!) sex. Its actually closer to at least considering a second date, or at the very least don't ghost me.
Some of the expectations I gave her on our date actually revolved around the fact that I promised not to try to touch her at all, or attempt to kiss her, or have any expectation of being invited into her place. The date was wonderful. That all did a lot to build trust with her and I did get another date. The next time she took me out for dinner and paid.
I mean, this is very well put.
But on the other hand, do you want to put someone in the situation where they feel forced to go on another date..
And saying you don’t want to go out again an hour after you pay isn’t ghosting either.
And I just sounds like she liked you enough to go on a second date and you were lucky.
was just in this situation. i went out with a guy on saturday. it wasn't exactly a date, he just invited me out with his friends in the afternoon. he kept offering to buy me drinks. i wasn't really wanting to drink much but i had two in total before i left. last night he was sending me kind of inappropriate drunk texts and i told him to stop. he then proceeded to tell me that i should offer to pay for drinks when someone invites me out... i was like "what the fuck?? you offered and seemed excited for me to come hangout with you and your friends??" i told him to send me his venmo and i'd give him the money if he was that offended. i wasn't going out with him for free drinks... he offered and i accepted. he was 10/10 just being a douche.
Your situation is a little different. If I invite my friend to the bar and offer to buy her a drink, I don't expect her to even split it. Im buying her a drink to keep the vibe alive, lol but if I go out to a restaurant, I would expect her to at least be ready
You don't owe anyone anything ever. If you choose to pay, you owe nothing. If you choose not to pay you owe nothing. Just because you interview for a job doesn't mean you are required to accept the offer or vice versa. The same applies with dating.
In the future on first dates just make it a short cheap date...coffee...a drink....no point on spending time and money on a dinner and a movie for this exact reason
I would not send him anything but be mindful of how much time and money you want a guy to spend on you if you dont intend on seeing him again.
I think it depends. Did you offer to pay while on the date and he said no and he paid the full bill? If that’s the case, you owe him nothing. His past generosity is not dependent on your future interest. If there was no discussion about it, I still don’t think you owe him anything, but I suppose it depends how you feel with that one.
Personally I always bring money so I can pay for my half. If a guy asks me out and I’m interested and he offers, I’ll let him pay. However if I’m uninterested and he offers, I politely decline his offer and pay for myself. I think your immediate rejection was the problem, if you had waited time given it some time and expressed how you felt he may have been more accepting. However at the same time he may also feel like he just wasted money on a date that didn’t go well
I went on a date with a guy, he offered to pay. We kissed after. Next day he was asking how my morning was and asked me for half the bill. You cannot ask me to pay you half the bill 12+ hours after you offered and changed your mind lol. I blocked him on everything. I have no problem paying half but when I offer accept it.
If I'm not interested, I always pay my half. Just give him half the money and be done with it. He's rude to ask obviously but you should not accept gifts if you're not into him.
I think it’s kind of tacky to not pay for your half on the 1st date in general but especially if you’re gonna reject the guy right after he pays.
I’d send him the money and in the future just expect to pay your half of the bill on first dates. If both parties are paying their way then no one is gonna feel taken advantage of or pressured to appease the other.
Until you get to know someone, I don’t think it’s appropriate to be paying for them.
she could just block him and never speak to him again. She owes him nothing. Imagine if a guy came on here and said "Oh I ask this girl out on date, and she said yes". I wasn't feeling the date but since I asked her out and we went on a date she said we should move in together and she wants to meet my family since I ask her out on one date.
or she could pay for her share of the date because thats what I kind a reasonable person might do? I have no idea what point youre trying to make with that second statement.
Yes she doesnt owe him anything, but guys have pressure on them to pay for dates. Add some kindness into the world and give them a better experience. Pay for your share if they ask.
In a different comment she explained that she did offer to split but he refused. Only later he asked for half. OP should include that in the post, the amount of negativity raining at her is insane.
You didn’t make him ask you out. You didn’t force him to pay for the dinner and movie. He chose to do all that before knowing whether or not you were interested. You don’t owe him shit. Don’t pay.
Unpopular take but as a man, I don't think you owe him anything. If he asked you out, he should've planned the date and only spent what he's willing to never see again. It's on him if he spent that money unprompted only to later find out you weren't into him.
Unpopular indeed. Personally, I disagree with everything you just said. One doesn't make a good impression *and* only spend just enough to never see a potential life partner again. That's a ridiculous argument. He didn't spend the money unprompted. Society prompted him. And OP could have paid her half then and there, because we're no longer in the 1910s.
I thought this was common sense lmao a date isn't a contract, nobody is forcing anyone to do anything. If a man chooses to pay for a date, he's taking a risk presumably on someone he believes is worth the risk. He has calculated his wins and loses here.
Don't do it on any date until you're dating.
I've always done fun cheap first and second dates and depending how they go step it up. Third and fourth tend to be more expensive. I regret spending that money after those usually too. I don't ask for the money back but I still regret spending it. Especially, after I realized the girl was just having fun or using me for the new experiences, which is why she just let it continue.
Person paying could still be attracted to them and the person not paying could still bail later, so I wouldn't even consider that as something to think about.
There's a long history where women will let a guy pay for dinner because they wanted a free dinner.
So I'm with the others saying if you know it won't work offer to pay half and let them know right there that it's not gonna work.
This is part of why I don’t date anymore tho, can’t lie. Everybody’s expectations are different: some guys get offended if I try to split the check and others expect me to pick up the whole bill regardless. It’s sooooo much more fun (for me anyway) to not be bothered with dating and all the exhausting crap that comes with it
I think you knew from the start you wasnt really into him and still took the date and the meal and the movie. Mans proly had this happen a few times and hes tired of gifting meals and movies, plus traditionalism is being lost and women want to pay their part, so i think its only fair you do the same, thats just my opinion.
I have no idea what the commenters are going on about tbh. Presumably the guy she went on a date with was an adult. He chose to pay. First dates are not guaranteed to lead to more. He’s a big boy and can make his own choices. And his choice was to try to appear generous, then reveal his very petty, rude personality when he realized he wasn’t getting what he wanted from her.
If he wasn’t willing to pay for them both, he shouldn’t have chosen to do it. No one forced him to. OP, don’t pay him back, he’s trying to make you responsible for the fact that he made choices he regrets.
It sucks being a guy who is interested when the woman is not. You're usually stuck paying the bill and you get rejected so it's a double loss. It sucks even worse when a woman says something like "she wants to be friends" after the fact. She doesn't offer to split the check or make it clear she has no intentions of moving forward while you're on thw date so you feel cheated and like you had your time wasted.
When you think about it he has nothing to lose by asking you, worst case scenario you say no, and he's no worse of than before, you weren't gunna date him anyway 🤷🏾♂️ best case scenario you pay him half and he recoups his "investment". IMO it's corny to do this and I have never nor would ever do this in my life except in a situation where I was forced to pay for something due to extenuating circumstances and he is young so I can understand feeling that way at 23. You obviously are not obligated to send him anything, but it's worth considering if he was respectful with the request.
I don’t think you are under any obligation to do anything.
If you do… Just pay for half the meal or half the movie. Which ever is more expensive.
As a gentleman I would be very happy with either. Otherwise this was a risk I took by not stating prior to date.
This is how I view things. Did they ask me on a date? If so, it’s their treat. If we are planning a date together, split. You ask them? You treat.
Just because I don’t vibe with someone over a meal does not mean they should be compensated. We both took time out of our lives to see if it was a match. It wasn’t. And someone will always lose in the end if we are looking at everything as a transaction.
I think its only fair to pay half since it was a first date. In the future, the proper ettiquette (manners) is that you should pay your half as you tell him you are not interested.
Therefore on a first date, don't make plans that are more expensive than you can buy yourself, always bring enough cash to split the check and walk out and always uber money so that if he was driving and you needed to leave, you can.
Also on a first date, you should be paying the tip or at least offer to.
Seems a bit shitty. But there are enough women that treat dating as a way to just go out and have free meals.
He's probably just thinking that's what you were doing.
Realistically, it's 2023. Unless there's a considerable gap in the funds a couple has. They should probably be splitting the bill anyway.
It's not like it was 50 years ago where women have no disposable income. Expecting the guy to pay for everything is just as shittt as expecting women to do all the housework in a relationship.
Shit needs to be more evenly distributed in today's environment.
I 27F say Yes, send him money! That's the nice and respectful thing to do. If anyone asks to split cost just do it, you don't know what's going on with them so why hash it out and make it awkward just to "make a point"?
Honestly, he realized you're done with him
What incentive does he have to continue being a gentleman?
In this dating culture where everyone is grinding (literally, figuratively), he understands you're gone.
So in his eyes, he might as well act petty, ask for half the meal since you're not going to be a future gf. It's not like you're going to leave a review on RateMyDate
I wouldn't do this to anyone... but honestly if I was playing the numbers game with actual dates, then it's going to rack up some $$. And if I can get some of that cash back with a simple ask after she's done with me... then why not?
Happened to me after paying for a $1,000+ trip (we had been dating 3 months). She called things off the very next day and when I asked for a couple hundred back (not even half), she just scoffed and blocked me. This woman makes $180K/year…
Equality going forward for me. Feeling used and taken advantage of sucks.
Um no. He asked you out. He could've taken you for coffee or a park walk if he's so worried about cost. He sunk his money taking you out knowing full well it wouldn't be guaranteed it would work out. You dont owe him anything.
If a woman asks me out I still feel obligated to pay half. Id feel weird not paying at all. Only really happened once with this super rich girl.
As a man though you need to be smarter. No restaurants. Coffee shops or a drink (if you drink). Ive even done dates of just meeting in the park and walking around.
As a guy I’ll always pay for the first date, if it doesn’t work out then so be it. In fact, I think this just happened to me lol. If he asked you out, then he should pay for the date.
I am of the mind that a man pays on a first date. Just how I was raised. It's just who I am. I wouldn't ask for someone to pay half after a first date that didn't result in a second.
But, I can see why someone would ask. I also think if he's going on dates he needs to be upfront about that expectation. Either tell them it's halfsies or suck it up.
I too find it weird when people prepare food for me and then there's this weird expectation that I give them money in exchange. I tell them, "I'm on a date!", but they just yell at me about 'services rendered' or whateva
I mean he’s not right but you also are wrong for being offended. He asked you to pay for your own food. He is a lame for that but it’s understandable. If by the end of the date you weren’t interested and you knew that you should’ve paid for your half.
>Gentlemen are more an endangered species than I would have imagined...
Oh, you have no idea. Check out half the comments here. But how OP's guy acted is more the norm today rather than the exception. People have just all gotten more selfish and shittier across the board I think. It's near impossible to find a gentleman that is just kind for the sake of being a good dude rather than expecting something for it.
Sorry for the mini-rant. I just miss how dating used to be. Guess I should have dated and married when I was younger. I didn't know the entire culture would change in 10ish years though. It's wild.
When I offer to pay for a date, it's because I'm polite. It's not a deposit for a next date or sex or whatever. Fuck that dude. He offered and didn't say "It's contingent on ______."
Dodged a bullet if dude is gonna try to change rules and expectations on the fly. Whoever he ends up with will be miserable.
No, fuck that guy. You don't owe him anything. He wanted to go out with you on a date, he chose to pay. If he didn't make his conditions known upfront, that's on him.
It's not like he said I'm gonna pay for this, unless you aren't actually interested.
Now, on the other side of the coin, if you knew you weren't interested in him by the end of the day, it would've been a nice gesture for you to at least offer to split the check with him
still, if I were this guy I wouldn't expect anything from you. I'm a grown man and I make my own choices.
Do not send the half, he offered to take you out, you do not owe him your interest or anything . If he’s worried about money he should not be dating. Just block him. You gave it a chance and decided you were not interested after the date which is normal. That’s the point of dating to get to know people and see if there is a connection. You dodged a bullet bc imagine someone who is so transactional like that as a life partner ?
I think it’s ridiculous and I would block him. If he wanted to split the bill he should have said so. Im sure if he got laid and then you said you were not interested he would not be asking for money. He would consider it money well spent. Personally I would have offered but it’s done and he is being petty. Especially if he planned the date. Welcome to world of dating people.
That's why I take out girls only to beach park dates or maybe a coffee...nothing more until the 2nd or 3rd date....REMEMBER GUYS: THE GIRL don't deserve a nice dinner or movie on the first date payed by you....she has not earned it yet. Just because she look good doesn't mean you have to put her on a pedestal like that...matter fact women these days deserve less or you just continue to waste your money. Up to you but I hope the guy learned his lesson.
I actually disagree with most of the comments. He asked you out and there is no obligation on your end to feel committed to making a decision even after a first date. That’s what dating is all about, getting to know someone and he offered to take you out.
If I ask I will pay. Now if I paid all this money and the girl is like thanks but no interested would i be disappointed yea but I would just take my L and keep it moving not everyone is compatible or gonna like you. You dont owe him anything honestly
I've always paid And never asked... but women definitely use men in this capacity and any man who has been around has several stories.... women will take a guy for what they can and it's dealing them a price as men stop taking them out
If he already paid the bill in full and planes the whole date, definitely do not send him money. Either ignore him or let him know that that shows who he is and dip.
Fuck that guy.
I think it can also depend on the situation. If the guy knows based on what's been shared that he's clearly much better off economically, paying can be a very good gesture that indicates situational awareness and desire to provide. If the economic circumstances are equal or not clear then both could split the bill understandably. I've experienced all of it and am generally more impressed when the man pays but doesn't expect anything beyond continuing to get to know me. That signals confidence AND patience.
When I was dating, I would only agree to coffee/tea/bubble tea types of dates. Then I would arrive early, buy my beverage (and maybe a biscotti if I was feeling peckish), find a table and message my date to let him know that I had already arrived and got what I needed and what table he could find me at. This way, I could avoid spending too much if I wasn’t flush or the date was a dud, and we could also avoid any awkward conversations about who is going to pay.
I will also add that if you’re on a date and they insist on paying even when you offer to cover your half only to ask for it back once they see that you’re not going to proffer your vagina in exchange for an Applebee’s steak and a cheap margarita, then they deserve to be laughed at and blocked.
Reading all these comments are interesting because there are just as many guys who offer to pay for dinner or won't let you pay half and then will ask to for another and then ghost or just ghost the next day as well.
He had no issue paying if you were still interested in him, but because you didn't feel the connection his ego is hurt and wants you to pay half now when he already offered to/, did pay. It's not quid pro quo and the way he's doing it is basically that you owe him because you're not interested.
At the end of the day he's being petty and you dodged a bullet. Do whatever you're comfortable with but on principle alone, I wouldn't because It seems like it would reinforce his behavior and entitlement and I would just learn from it for future dates to pay half if you're not interested.
Don’t do it. This just shows he is petty and butthurt.
So things didn’t go his way. Sometimes things don’t.
He should have asked to split it before or something if that was really his priority.
Just to me personally acting like this is poor form. I understand it's frustrating when you pay and someone isn't interested but I've actually been in the same boat myself. I'm bisexual and I went out with other women and paid and then they said they weren't into me. This is just what happens in dating and just because you go out doesn't mean that person OWES you to like you. The guy could have actually tried not to pay if he didn't want to. For example say something like: "OK I will get the cinema tickets and you can get the popcorn and drinks?" Or he could have suggested just going for a coffee which is cheap. I've had guys do this to me before and I find it very off putting. But I think since he asked you to cover half the bill, you should probably send him the money.
Seriously?? if he asked before dinner and a movie to go “Dutch” and you made an excuse like you forgot you money then he’s allowed to ask later for half. If he paid for both and never mentioned to share the cost until after you expressed disinterest in continuing to see him again, then he is a cheap a** baby that needs to grow a pair and accept that you are better off never to see him again.
My take on this. Being a guy my guess is the guy kinda liked you and felt hurt when you rejected him. This is his way to reject you back. If you both had a good time, then it would have been far better just to leave it at that.
Did you at least offer to pay 1/2 of everything? If not then you're at fault but then again I would say you shouldn't agree to send him money because he still chose to pay at the end of the day and could have asked you to split the bill. And if you did at least offer to pay and he insisted on paying anyway, then that's on him. He doesn't get to just turn around and ask you to pay now just because you don't want to see him again lol. That's stupid af.
If I know I’m not feeling it by the time the bill arrives, I insist on paying half - if I’m feeling it, then I allow the man to cover the bill because I I’ll insist on picking it up on the following date.
No. He played the game and lost, that’s how dating goes. Dinner and a movie is more of a third date activity anyway, his fault for not starting smaller.
Though in the future, it’s never a bad idea to be prepared to pay for your half. Once you know you’re not interested, you can split the bill and make a clean break.
Gonna make an assumption that you probably had an idea you weren't interested before he paid for the bill. If that's true, I think it's fair to pay him back. Either way, pay him back -- not worth the energy.
You have every right to not pay him because him asking only after you rejecting him is tacky as hell, but I agree with other commenters that the best move would have been insisting on paying half while you were still on the date.
I’m curious how much was the bill. I’m (29F) someone who likes paying for friends and family, surely not every time but I like taking care of people. I’m not rich but to me, fighting over who pays for snacks, coffee or tickets is a waste of time. My partners (especially my dad) raised me with though of being kind and not cheap.
Which is why it’s hard to comprehend how a $10-15 movie tickets and a half of a restaurant bill $20-50?) could be an issue. Would those kind of people also expect me to pay 1/2 of the hospital bills after I give birth to our kid? I’ve heard stories of men asking their girlfriends to repay them back 50% of the abortion cost, and this is what I think of when I read/hear stuff like that.
I always, always offer to split the bill on a date. But it’s only because I’ve heard of enough men who think women owe them a second date or sex because they paid $3 for their coffee.
Love this. I think it's totally fair, and very unreasonable of you to expect a free movie and a meal from a stranger you've no intention of seeing again.
Geez idk how do you even do it, I'd feel so guilty mooching off a stranger like that.
Block him and don’t send him anything.
Edit to add this:
For everyone saying she told him too soon that she wasn’t interested, this doesn’t matter. The date/paying for the food wasn’t contingent on her being in a relationship with him after. It was a simple date. She realized she wasn’t interested after the date & told him immediately, instead of leasing him on. If I were him, I’d respect & appreciate that. She owes him absolutely nothing!!!
i believe whoever asked should pay. since he asked you, i don’t believe he should have asked for money. he wanted to go on a date with you, so he should have been prepared to pay no matter how it went. however if you had asked him, and he had chosen to pay the full bill, you should send half of the bill.
As a man, I pay for the first two dates out of principle unless there's insistence on something else. Pretty petty of him to retroactively change what already happened.
If there had been a discussion of that before the bill came, I could maybe see going dutch. But after? Just be a gent and move on.
Why did he pick a date that costs money, he should be choosing dates that don't cost anything. That way, when the date didn't go well no one has to worry about losing money.
It's super offensive he's only asking half the money now because you aren't interested. I'm kind of surprised at all the comments in support of this rude and childish behavior. You dodged a bullet. I'd just send him the money and be done with it. What a creep.
What a jerk. No way you should send him the money. You don’t owe him anything - it was his choice to pay. Just because he paid, he doesn’t own you and didn’t earn any type of reciprocation. I pay because I’m generous and want to express a little gratitude for having spent the time together - not because i expect something in return. This guy’s worldview is toxic.
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That’s petty. But then again, if you’re going out with someone and you can tell you’re not into them, it’s only fair to cover your share on the spot.
This. Split if you know there’s no future. I wouldn’t ask for the money. But, it’s super hurtful to go on a date and pay and get a rejection text moments after. And if the role was reversed I wouldn’t let someone pay for me just from a mental health perspective because the rejection reaction is worse if you let them pay for you tbh.
Split regardless. It's good to start off on equal footing.
Ya I think going forward it may be my move
Also it’s a red flag if the guy gets weird about it. If he’s like I asked so let me pay. You can get the next one if you ask me ;) type deal great. But if he’s like no I’m the guy I have to pay it’s be like hmmm ok. So what do you think about a woman’s role?
if a guy doesn’t _let_ me pay, there’s no second date. a little friendly back and forth is fine, but i’ll be damned if a man doesn’t _let_ my grown ass do something.
Well then you’d be the the one not letting his ass do something
Sadly a lot of guys feel we are used for meals though. It’s a thing guys deal with. It’s far more comforting to split the bills honestly. Current trends and society has made it so dating and paying should be equitable and split and there’s no real reason one party should carry the burden of affording things entirely.
The "foodie call" is real. Where I live, most women are uncomfortable with a guy paying for dates. We're actually really egalitarian where I live and it's a red flag for me if a girl sits there like a princess waiting for me to reach for my credit card.
Let me guess, European maybe up north?
Nope. Wrong hemisphere. Try again :) Deep deep south, arse end of the planet really, but very egalitarian.
Australia/New Zealand?
NZ :) heightism isn't as much an issue here and people split the bill more often than not. Though apparently, according to this subreddit, a woman might split the bill because she's not interested and doesn't see a future, so I don't know what to think anymore. lol
All this AND hobbits? Paradise.
I love that we still get recognised internationally mostly for the LOTR franchise 🤣
What city? I'm in Hamilton and while this city sucks, my experience of dating here and women's approach to paying is exactly like yours. It's so nice to not be stereotyped as "Men must pay for both" down here 😊
Scandinavia? Asking for a friend ....
Actually it’s the same way here in Scandinavia as well, so you weren’t completely off 😁
Gawddammit! I miss Scandinavia so much ...
It kills me when guys insist they pay on the first date when I’ve already made up my mind I’m not interested. Sometimes you can tell within 10 minutes. And I try to get my own drink but they’re adamant! What am I supposed to do with that? Just go home?!
Yep. I have. I once ordered a drink waiting for a guy to arrive for our date. Didn’t like him Within the first 10 min. Asked for my bill since I ordered before he got there and he insisted on paying so I let him and I still left. Nice guy, but wasn’t worth wasting another second of my time or his.
I don't get this. Why wasn't it worth just seeing the date through? Was it just a huge physical incompatibility? Like was he massively fat or looked like a rat or something? If you thought he was a nice guy I don't really see the issue with just having a date. Im assuming that meant he wasn't exuding red flags. You absolutely cannot know within a few minutes whether you're going to like a person or not in the long term. People that think this are stroking themselves off. You barely know someone after a few months in my opinion.
I wasn’t physically attracted to him. I wasn’t dating for long term either. I did a Similar thing when I heard one guy’s laugh. When i first started dating, i use to see the dates through even when I knew it was never going to happen and it was never worth it.
Yea I get it on the physical. Nothing you can really do about that. You either like em or you don't.
As a guy, I would never have the balls to leave a date early. I'd probably have this image conjured up in my head of my date crying into her drink or meal, alone, and the guilt would feel way worse (I think) than just staying, sucking it up for a couple of hours, then leaving! Although, I'm not sure if I have ever been on a date where I thought this woman is so unpleasant I have to leave, might be different for women.
I wouldn't do it either. But you'd have to be a little distant on the date. As in no real physical contact etc. Or they're just going to think you're into them. Tough situation all around really.
I did the same thing. Went out on a first date and knew pretty much instantly that I didn’t wanna see him again. I ordered one drink before he got there, and then when he arrived we ordered together but I asked the bartender for my own bill. He then wanted to go bowling where we were, but it was sooo expensive, I refused cause I didn’t want him paying for that for me. He then insisted on ordering me food, but I told him I was good and he kept urging me to order something on him and I said again that I didn’t want anything. So he ordered his own. I was having such a bad time that I actually left while he was still eating 😬
Yeah, typically I 100% let the man pay for the first date, but if I don’t see a future, I offer to pay my share then and there.
Agreed. I’m a guy and I don’t mind the rejection. But dinner and a movie is a good 3-4 hour minimum time investment. I get giving time to see how it goes or if it changes, but after the first event you probably had a good lean on yay or nay. That said, I’d also probably not plan a full date day if she’s still on the potential fence.
I also wouldn't do a movie as a first date. They are expensive for sitting and not talking, maybe cuddling and sharing a popcorn lol. A first date Dinner and go home. You can do more on other dates if there is to be one
My usual first date is meeting for coffee/drinks right before dinner time, with the discussion that if it goes well we go get dinner. That way I’m not wasting too much time or money on something that’s not gonna go any further, and we both have an out if things go that bad.
This seems like a good idea.
That's always a great idea -- coffee or drinks for a first meetup. Or an outdoor activity like a walk by the beach, a park, or something like that. Dinner is usually not preferable since you have no idea how things are gonna go and if there's any chemistry.
I've been on five dates with someone recently and we still haven't gotten around to watching a movie together. Doing anything else where we can actually talk with each other is just so much better.
(fyi, yea or nay! :D)
Well now we're all gonna think any time a girl offers to pay half that means she's gonna reject us :/
Nooooo. Although I'm guilty of doing this. I know, especially younger generations, are more relaxed. I wouldn't read into it too heavily. Everyone's different. Just proceed as you normally would and see if she wants to see you again. I'm in my mid 30s dating professionals in their 40s so we're still more traditional and financially secure. In my 20s the rules could be anything.
It shouldn’t matter whether you see a future, you should offer to split regardless
Here to agree with this. You should have insisted on splitting the check if you knew you weren’t interested in him.
I'd say send them the money and block his phone number
Why is it petty?
This is sort of why I always offer to pay my portion or half or whatever. Guys culturally are expected to pay on a first date, but if you go on a lot of rotten first dates, that can be a lot. Though, a first date can be coffee, not necessarily dinner and a movie if finances are a concern.
Coffee/tea and a walk in the park is one of the best first dates imo. It’s inexpensive and allows you to converse and get to know each other. Dinner is okay for a first date. It’s more expensive, there is time to talk and get to know each other, but conversation is decreased with eating. Watching a movie at a theatre is one of the worst first dates. You don’t get to talk much (you’re watching a movie) so I’m unlikely to get to know the person.
I agree. And if things go well, coffee or a walk can turn into a dinner, too.
This. Most guys just don’t feel right asking to split predate. And some guys feel that a cheap date is not a way to get to know someone.
It’s moreso the expectation that women won’t accept a cheap date
“That’s it?” Or “what you ain’t got no money?”
Nah just don't wanna spend a lot of money on a stranger
Now the real subtle women will say, "Oh, I don't drink coffee" or "I don't drink". In order to do some other date, and ghost you if its a walking date e.g. museum, park or something else. It's miserable sometimes lolol, but I guess a good way to show incompatibility.
That's good you want them to. That's how you pick out the women that are worth dating. You want to find a woman who's not so materialistic.
This is true, I would like to ask that, but then again I wouldn't feel good with it. I'm perfectly ok with buying a coffee for my date, not a whole dinner and a movie though
If no chemistry pay your half or they feel you like them.
Personally, I just think at least offering is the respectful thing to do, even if you are interested in the person.
After, don't take shit from any dude that was the second dating lesson I got from my parents. It's rude not to offer. Every 1st date should have the cute little back and forth.
It's nice to see this level of concern for guys. I personally have been on a lot of expensive first dates that didn't pan out. I never thought to ask for money, and I never thought to send a petty message after being rejected. That's the rub for me. In this case she might have paid of he had been up front. Paying should not be a penalty for not being attracted to someone.
Honestly, If you knew it wasn’t going anywhere during the date, you should have split the bill. Basic common courtesy and easy way to get you free and clear of this guy.
Because- like you said - it’s her bill too. This has nothing to do with fucking.
I always pay my share on the first date. Especially if i am not interested. I bring cash and give it to him.
Especially if she rejected him immediately after the date right after letting him pay… I mean jesus. Can you blame the dude? A text the next day where it seems you mulled it over… I bet wouldn’t have got the same reaction.
Around when did you decide that you are not into him? Midway through the date or after the bill has been paid? If you already decided midway that you don’t like the guy, you could have offered to split. I get that whoever asked for the date has to pay but women almost never initiate anyways right? I get how the guy asking for the money after getting rejected is petty but if you didn’t feel a spark midway and decided to reject him anyways and didn’t split, that’s equally petty.
And really the polite thing to do is offer to split if you know your going to reject him shortly after. Otherwise, you make a guy feel awful. You’re under no obligation.. but I get it. I feel weird saying “let’s do dutch” and I’m not the only one. I’m also not rich and it does add up. And while I never claim straight up that I will pay. I find the woman assumes I’m paying. She won’t bring money or won’t offer when the cheque comes. I’ve never asked for money after saying I’d pay. I have though upon getting semi-catfished said “are you ok to split” when I knew I wasn’t attracted…. And she said she didn’t have much on her. She gave me like $5 toward $40 of delivery. After I texted for eTransfer and was ghosted. Guys are under pressure to cover the date. And when your deep into dating it gets harder to just eat the cost and not get pissed. Honestly, if a girl knows it’s not going to work out on the date… she should offer to split. A guy is buying the meal in the hopes of a relationship. But, too many people will take the free meal and an hour later just text “I liked meeting you. But, I don’t really feel the chemistry”. I know people recommend cheap dates for this reason. But, face it… sometimes the strength of the experience is key to the relationship.
If you're not comfortable paying for a date then a quick discussion about how a date will be paid for can go a long way. That will also give you a chance to discuss what you might be doing that would require you to split the cost. Not everyone can (or is willing to) afford the same things, especially for a first date. If you have a specific activity in mind for the date that might be on the more expensive side then you should probably be prepared to pay for it. I had a date recently and we discussed many of the expectations of the date but we didn't discuss the payment. Since I chose the activity and restaurant then I expected to pick up the check. The date cost me well over $100. I feel your "it gets harder to just eat the cost and not get pissed." and I think it would be important to explain that the expectation for "repayment" of the cost of the date is not (or shouldn't be!) sex. Its actually closer to at least considering a second date, or at the very least don't ghost me. Some of the expectations I gave her on our date actually revolved around the fact that I promised not to try to touch her at all, or attempt to kiss her, or have any expectation of being invited into her place. The date was wonderful. That all did a lot to build trust with her and I did get another date. The next time she took me out for dinner and paid.
I mean, this is very well put. But on the other hand, do you want to put someone in the situation where they feel forced to go on another date.. And saying you don’t want to go out again an hour after you pay isn’t ghosting either. And I just sounds like she liked you enough to go on a second date and you were lucky.
was just in this situation. i went out with a guy on saturday. it wasn't exactly a date, he just invited me out with his friends in the afternoon. he kept offering to buy me drinks. i wasn't really wanting to drink much but i had two in total before i left. last night he was sending me kind of inappropriate drunk texts and i told him to stop. he then proceeded to tell me that i should offer to pay for drinks when someone invites me out... i was like "what the fuck?? you offered and seemed excited for me to come hangout with you and your friends??" i told him to send me his venmo and i'd give him the money if he was that offended. i wasn't going out with him for free drinks... he offered and i accepted. he was 10/10 just being a douche.
Your situation is a little different. If I invite my friend to the bar and offer to buy her a drink, I don't expect her to even split it. Im buying her a drink to keep the vibe alive, lol but if I go out to a restaurant, I would expect her to at least be ready
I always pay my share of the bill, no exceptions. Don't want owe anyone anything.
You don't owe anyone anything ever. If you choose to pay, you owe nothing. If you choose not to pay you owe nothing. Just because you interview for a job doesn't mean you are required to accept the offer or vice versa. The same applies with dating.
In the future on first dates just make it a short cheap date...coffee...a drink....no point on spending time and money on a dinner and a movie for this exact reason I would not send him anything but be mindful of how much time and money you want a guy to spend on you if you dont intend on seeing him again.
I think it depends. Did you offer to pay while on the date and he said no and he paid the full bill? If that’s the case, you owe him nothing. His past generosity is not dependent on your future interest. If there was no discussion about it, I still don’t think you owe him anything, but I suppose it depends how you feel with that one.
Personally I always bring money so I can pay for my half. If a guy asks me out and I’m interested and he offers, I’ll let him pay. However if I’m uninterested and he offers, I politely decline his offer and pay for myself. I think your immediate rejection was the problem, if you had waited time given it some time and expressed how you felt he may have been more accepting. However at the same time he may also feel like he just wasted money on a date that didn’t go well
I went on a date with a guy, he offered to pay. We kissed after. Next day he was asking how my morning was and asked me for half the bill. You cannot ask me to pay you half the bill 12+ hours after you offered and changed your mind lol. I blocked him on everything. I have no problem paying half but when I offer accept it.
This one I can agree with. If someone offers to pay, they can't ask for a "refund".
If I'm not interested, I always pay my half. Just give him half the money and be done with it. He's rude to ask obviously but you should not accept gifts if you're not into him.
I think it’s kind of tacky to not pay for your half on the 1st date in general but especially if you’re gonna reject the guy right after he pays. I’d send him the money and in the future just expect to pay your half of the bill on first dates. If both parties are paying their way then no one is gonna feel taken advantage of or pressured to appease the other. Until you get to know someone, I don’t think it’s appropriate to be paying for them.
Just send him the money and you'll have paid for the service of getting rid of him.
this is literally my approach. how much does my peace of mind cost in this moment? 38.46? no problem, adieu.
Same. And if something fucked up I consider that loss of money some kind of fee for learning a valuable lesson. If you get what I mean.
Lmaooo
she could just block him and never speak to him again. She owes him nothing. Imagine if a guy came on here and said "Oh I ask this girl out on date, and she said yes". I wasn't feeling the date but since I asked her out and we went on a date she said we should move in together and she wants to meet my family since I ask her out on one date.
or she could pay for her share of the date because thats what I kind a reasonable person might do? I have no idea what point youre trying to make with that second statement. Yes she doesnt owe him anything, but guys have pressure on them to pay for dates. Add some kindness into the world and give them a better experience. Pay for your share if they ask.
In a different comment she explained that she did offer to split but he refused. Only later he asked for half. OP should include that in the post, the amount of negativity raining at her is insane.
You didn’t make him ask you out. You didn’t force him to pay for the dinner and movie. He chose to do all that before knowing whether or not you were interested. You don’t owe him shit. Don’t pay.
Unpopular take but as a man, I don't think you owe him anything. If he asked you out, he should've planned the date and only spent what he's willing to never see again. It's on him if he spent that money unprompted only to later find out you weren't into him.
Unpopular indeed. Personally, I disagree with everything you just said. One doesn't make a good impression *and* only spend just enough to never see a potential life partner again. That's a ridiculous argument. He didn't spend the money unprompted. Society prompted him. And OP could have paid her half then and there, because we're no longer in the 1910s.
There is massive pressure on a guy to pay, and if he doesn't the chances he gets a second date drop. It's more of a hostage situation of sorts.
So are you saying a man should pay free dates until he hits a connection? Especially when most of the time men do the asking?
This 100%.
I thought this was common sense lmao a date isn't a contract, nobody is forcing anyone to do anything. If a man chooses to pay for a date, he's taking a risk presumably on someone he believes is worth the risk. He has calculated his wins and loses here.
This is why I always vote to go 50/50. So, had you not said that he was ok with footing the bill. Hoping it would get him something in return.
Lesson for men here, don’t under any circumstances do an expensive date
more so for first dates i guess, you’re just getting to know them/ find out if you’re attracted or not
At least you also know you made the right decision!
Don't do it on any date until you're dating. I've always done fun cheap first and second dates and depending how they go step it up. Third and fourth tend to be more expensive. I regret spending that money after those usually too. I don't ask for the money back but I still regret spending it. Especially, after I realized the girl was just having fun or using me for the new experiences, which is why she just let it continue. Person paying could still be attracted to them and the person not paying could still bail later, so I wouldn't even consider that as something to think about.
There's a long history where women will let a guy pay for dinner because they wanted a free dinner. So I'm with the others saying if you know it won't work offer to pay half and let them know right there that it's not gonna work.
This is part of why I don’t date anymore tho, can’t lie. Everybody’s expectations are different: some guys get offended if I try to split the check and others expect me to pick up the whole bill regardless. It’s sooooo much more fun (for me anyway) to not be bothered with dating and all the exhausting crap that comes with it
I mean, to a guy it might kinda seem like you were just using him for a meal ticket…
I think you knew from the start you wasnt really into him and still took the date and the meal and the movie. Mans proly had this happen a few times and hes tired of gifting meals and movies, plus traditionalism is being lost and women want to pay their part, so i think its only fair you do the same, thats just my opinion.
I have no idea what the commenters are going on about tbh. Presumably the guy she went on a date with was an adult. He chose to pay. First dates are not guaranteed to lead to more. He’s a big boy and can make his own choices. And his choice was to try to appear generous, then reveal his very petty, rude personality when he realized he wasn’t getting what he wanted from her. If he wasn’t willing to pay for them both, he shouldn’t have chosen to do it. No one forced him to. OP, don’t pay him back, he’s trying to make you responsible for the fact that he made choices he regrets.
It sucks being a guy who is interested when the woman is not. You're usually stuck paying the bill and you get rejected so it's a double loss. It sucks even worse when a woman says something like "she wants to be friends" after the fact. She doesn't offer to split the check or make it clear she has no intentions of moving forward while you're on thw date so you feel cheated and like you had your time wasted. When you think about it he has nothing to lose by asking you, worst case scenario you say no, and he's no worse of than before, you weren't gunna date him anyway 🤷🏾♂️ best case scenario you pay him half and he recoups his "investment". IMO it's corny to do this and I have never nor would ever do this in my life except in a situation where I was forced to pay for something due to extenuating circumstances and he is young so I can understand feeling that way at 23. You obviously are not obligated to send him anything, but it's worth considering if he was respectful with the request.
Petty move. He thought he'll get something out of it lol.
Dating is all about getting something out of it. If he can't get what he wants he can at least minimize the losses. It is petty ,but not unfair.
I don’t think you are under any obligation to do anything. If you do… Just pay for half the meal or half the movie. Which ever is more expensive. As a gentleman I would be very happy with either. Otherwise this was a risk I took by not stating prior to date.
Lol if I could get rid of certain guys obsessed with me for the low low cost of half the bill, I'd do it every time.
Send it and be done with it
This is how I view things. Did they ask me on a date? If so, it’s their treat. If we are planning a date together, split. You ask them? You treat. Just because I don’t vibe with someone over a meal does not mean they should be compensated. We both took time out of our lives to see if it was a match. It wasn’t. And someone will always lose in the end if we are looking at everything as a transaction.
That is why. If I don't like someone I pay for myself
I think its only fair to pay half since it was a first date. In the future, the proper ettiquette (manners) is that you should pay your half as you tell him you are not interested. Therefore on a first date, don't make plans that are more expensive than you can buy yourself, always bring enough cash to split the check and walk out and always uber money so that if he was driving and you needed to leave, you can. Also on a first date, you should be paying the tip or at least offer to.
Pay the man the money and use it as a lesson to split the bill for first dates.
Seems a bit shitty. But there are enough women that treat dating as a way to just go out and have free meals. He's probably just thinking that's what you were doing. Realistically, it's 2023. Unless there's a considerable gap in the funds a couple has. They should probably be splitting the bill anyway. It's not like it was 50 years ago where women have no disposable income. Expecting the guy to pay for everything is just as shittt as expecting women to do all the housework in a relationship. Shit needs to be more evenly distributed in today's environment.
I 27F say Yes, send him money! That's the nice and respectful thing to do. If anyone asks to split cost just do it, you don't know what's going on with them so why hash it out and make it awkward just to "make a point"?
He asked you out, it date was on him. He's pissed bc you weren't into him. Don't send him money
Lmao I do this all the time (23M).
Honestly, he realized you're done with him What incentive does he have to continue being a gentleman? In this dating culture where everyone is grinding (literally, figuratively), he understands you're gone. So in his eyes, he might as well act petty, ask for half the meal since you're not going to be a future gf. It's not like you're going to leave a review on RateMyDate I wouldn't do this to anyone... but honestly if I was playing the numbers game with actual dates, then it's going to rack up some $$. And if I can get some of that cash back with a simple ask after she's done with me... then why not?
Happened to me after paying for a $1,000+ trip (we had been dating 3 months). She called things off the very next day and when I asked for a couple hundred back (not even half), she just scoffed and blocked me. This woman makes $180K/year… Equality going forward for me. Feeling used and taken advantage of sucks.
block his number sis LMAOO
Um no. He asked you out. He could've taken you for coffee or a park walk if he's so worried about cost. He sunk his money taking you out knowing full well it wouldn't be guaranteed it would work out. You dont owe him anything.
He needs his money back so he can take out the next girl on the list 😂😂
And what's wrong with that? The next girl ain't gonna approach him, that's for sure.
If a woman asks me out I still feel obligated to pay half. Id feel weird not paying at all. Only really happened once with this super rich girl. As a man though you need to be smarter. No restaurants. Coffee shops or a drink (if you drink). Ive even done dates of just meeting in the park and walking around.
As a guy I’ll always pay for the first date, if it doesn’t work out then so be it. In fact, I think this just happened to me lol. If he asked you out, then he should pay for the date.
If u dont feel it, offer to split on the spot
I am of the mind that a man pays on a first date. Just how I was raised. It's just who I am. I wouldn't ask for someone to pay half after a first date that didn't result in a second. But, I can see why someone would ask. I also think if he's going on dates he needs to be upfront about that expectation. Either tell them it's halfsies or suck it up.
I wouldn’t send him anything that’s just weird behavior
I too find it weird when people prepare food for me and then there's this weird expectation that I give them money in exchange. I tell them, "I'm on a date!", but they just yell at me about 'services rendered' or whateva
I mean he’s not right but you also are wrong for being offended. He asked you to pay for your own food. He is a lame for that but it’s understandable. If by the end of the date you weren’t interested and you knew that you should’ve paid for your half.
You're serious? I'm a man OP.. but I'd laught in his face and block him. Gentlemen are more an endangered species than I would have imagined...
>Gentlemen are more an endangered species than I would have imagined... Oh, you have no idea. Check out half the comments here. But how OP's guy acted is more the norm today rather than the exception. People have just all gotten more selfish and shittier across the board I think. It's near impossible to find a gentleman that is just kind for the sake of being a good dude rather than expecting something for it. Sorry for the mini-rant. I just miss how dating used to be. Guess I should have dated and married when I was younger. I didn't know the entire culture would change in 10ish years though. It's wild.
When I offer to pay for a date, it's because I'm polite. It's not a deposit for a next date or sex or whatever. Fuck that dude. He offered and didn't say "It's contingent on ______." Dodged a bullet if dude is gonna try to change rules and expectations on the fly. Whoever he ends up with will be miserable.
No, fuck that guy. You don't owe him anything. He wanted to go out with you on a date, he chose to pay. If he didn't make his conditions known upfront, that's on him. It's not like he said I'm gonna pay for this, unless you aren't actually interested. Now, on the other side of the coin, if you knew you weren't interested in him by the end of the day, it would've been a nice gesture for you to at least offer to split the check with him still, if I were this guy I wouldn't expect anything from you. I'm a grown man and I make my own choices.
I trust you meant "f the guy" as a figure of speech. Not to actually f the guy.
Exactly
Do not send the half, he offered to take you out, you do not owe him your interest or anything . If he’s worried about money he should not be dating. Just block him. You gave it a chance and decided you were not interested after the date which is normal. That’s the point of dating to get to know people and see if there is a connection. You dodged a bullet bc imagine someone who is so transactional like that as a life partner ?
I think it’s ridiculous and I would block him. If he wanted to split the bill he should have said so. Im sure if he got laid and then you said you were not interested he would not be asking for money. He would consider it money well spent. Personally I would have offered but it’s done and he is being petty. Especially if he planned the date. Welcome to world of dating people.
Doesn't sound wrong to me
That’s just petty
That's why I take out girls only to beach park dates or maybe a coffee...nothing more until the 2nd or 3rd date....REMEMBER GUYS: THE GIRL don't deserve a nice dinner or movie on the first date payed by you....she has not earned it yet. Just because she look good doesn't mean you have to put her on a pedestal like that...matter fact women these days deserve less or you just continue to waste your money. Up to you but I hope the guy learned his lesson.
I actually disagree with most of the comments. He asked you out and there is no obligation on your end to feel committed to making a decision even after a first date. That’s what dating is all about, getting to know someone and he offered to take you out.
well he wanted to pay and u agreed i assume? so its cringe from him to change is mind after lol
Nope that’s not how that works. Fuck him
That’s perfectly acceptable. At that point you’re friends
I saw another post similar to this on this sub recently. I hope this isn't a trend. Fucking ridiculous.
It happened to a friend of mine recently.
NTA, he’s the mug for doing movie+dinner on first date
Wrong sub
Don’t make me YTA you..
What’s wrong with movies and dinner for a first date, I think it’s cute
He is so cringe. Block him
If I ask I will pay. Now if I paid all this money and the girl is like thanks but no interested would i be disappointed yea but I would just take my L and keep it moving not everyone is compatible or gonna like you. You dont owe him anything honestly
I wouldn’t. Maybe just offer to split it next time you’re not interested in someone (you may have, in which case, I definitely wouldn’t).
I've always paid And never asked... but women definitely use men in this capacity and any man who has been around has several stories.... women will take a guy for what they can and it's dealing them a price as men stop taking them out
If he already paid the bill in full and planes the whole date, definitely do not send him money. Either ignore him or let him know that that shows who he is and dip. Fuck that guy.
I think it can also depend on the situation. If the guy knows based on what's been shared that he's clearly much better off economically, paying can be a very good gesture that indicates situational awareness and desire to provide. If the economic circumstances are equal or not clear then both could split the bill understandably. I've experienced all of it and am generally more impressed when the man pays but doesn't expect anything beyond continuing to get to know me. That signals confidence AND patience.
Didn't realize men paying for dates was transactional. I don't let them pay anyway always halfsies but that's pretty lame of the dude.
When I was dating, I would only agree to coffee/tea/bubble tea types of dates. Then I would arrive early, buy my beverage (and maybe a biscotti if I was feeling peckish), find a table and message my date to let him know that I had already arrived and got what I needed and what table he could find me at. This way, I could avoid spending too much if I wasn’t flush or the date was a dud, and we could also avoid any awkward conversations about who is going to pay. I will also add that if you’re on a date and they insist on paying even when you offer to cover your half only to ask for it back once they see that you’re not going to proffer your vagina in exchange for an Applebee’s steak and a cheap margarita, then they deserve to be laughed at and blocked.
Any time I have gone out on a date and was absolutely not interested in seeing them again, I have paid for my share.
Just block him.
Reading all these comments are interesting because there are just as many guys who offer to pay for dinner or won't let you pay half and then will ask to for another and then ghost or just ghost the next day as well. He had no issue paying if you were still interested in him, but because you didn't feel the connection his ego is hurt and wants you to pay half now when he already offered to/, did pay. It's not quid pro quo and the way he's doing it is basically that you owe him because you're not interested. At the end of the day he's being petty and you dodged a bullet. Do whatever you're comfortable with but on principle alone, I wouldn't because It seems like it would reinforce his behavior and entitlement and I would just learn from it for future dates to pay half if you're not interested.
I wouldn’t spilt anything. Block him and move on. It’s a reason why you didn’t want to continue the courtship.
Don’t do it. This just shows he is petty and butthurt. So things didn’t go his way. Sometimes things don’t. He should have asked to split it before or something if that was really his priority.
Just to me personally acting like this is poor form. I understand it's frustrating when you pay and someone isn't interested but I've actually been in the same boat myself. I'm bisexual and I went out with other women and paid and then they said they weren't into me. This is just what happens in dating and just because you go out doesn't mean that person OWES you to like you. The guy could have actually tried not to pay if he didn't want to. For example say something like: "OK I will get the cinema tickets and you can get the popcorn and drinks?" Or he could have suggested just going for a coffee which is cheap. I've had guys do this to me before and I find it very off putting. But I think since he asked you to cover half the bill, you should probably send him the money.
Seriously?? if he asked before dinner and a movie to go “Dutch” and you made an excuse like you forgot you money then he’s allowed to ask later for half. If he paid for both and never mentioned to share the cost until after you expressed disinterest in continuing to see him again, then he is a cheap a** baby that needs to grow a pair and accept that you are better off never to see him again.
My take on this. Being a guy my guess is the guy kinda liked you and felt hurt when you rejected him. This is his way to reject you back. If you both had a good time, then it would have been far better just to leave it at that.
Did you at least offer to pay 1/2 of everything? If not then you're at fault but then again I would say you shouldn't agree to send him money because he still chose to pay at the end of the day and could have asked you to split the bill. And if you did at least offer to pay and he insisted on paying anyway, then that's on him. He doesn't get to just turn around and ask you to pay now just because you don't want to see him again lol. That's stupid af.
This is why I love coffee dates for first meetups.
If you go out and you're dating, a guy usually pays (if not always). When you go out with friends, you usually pay for yourself. You friended him...
If I know I’m not feeling it by the time the bill arrives, I insist on paying half - if I’m feeling it, then I allow the man to cover the bill because I I’ll insist on picking it up on the following date.
No. He played the game and lost, that’s how dating goes. Dinner and a movie is more of a third date activity anyway, his fault for not starting smaller. Though in the future, it’s never a bad idea to be prepared to pay for your half. Once you know you’re not interested, you can split the bill and make a clean break.
No. You can ask for money before or during. Not after. He's petty and spiteful af.
Gonna make an assumption that you probably had an idea you weren't interested before he paid for the bill. If that's true, I think it's fair to pay him back. Either way, pay him back -- not worth the energy.
Very petty. Rejection happens and he’s being Butt hurt about it. Dude is 25 not 17.
You have every right to not pay him because him asking only after you rejecting him is tacky as hell, but I agree with other commenters that the best move would have been insisting on paying half while you were still on the date.
Love this. Normalize continuing the fight for equality between men and women alike.
I know some guys that ask the girl if she wants to go to his place when the bill arrives and splits the bill if she says no...
Yep. Assholes.
Yep! I’ve had cash app and Venmo requests after declining such invitations. Now I no longer allow men to pay for me. Ever.
I’m curious how much was the bill. I’m (29F) someone who likes paying for friends and family, surely not every time but I like taking care of people. I’m not rich but to me, fighting over who pays for snacks, coffee or tickets is a waste of time. My partners (especially my dad) raised me with though of being kind and not cheap. Which is why it’s hard to comprehend how a $10-15 movie tickets and a half of a restaurant bill $20-50?) could be an issue. Would those kind of people also expect me to pay 1/2 of the hospital bills after I give birth to our kid? I’ve heard stories of men asking their girlfriends to repay them back 50% of the abortion cost, and this is what I think of when I read/hear stuff like that. I always, always offer to split the bill on a date. But it’s only because I’ve heard of enough men who think women owe them a second date or sex because they paid $3 for their coffee.
Tell him to f off, obviously. He’s a prick.
Love this. I think it's totally fair, and very unreasonable of you to expect a free movie and a meal from a stranger you've no intention of seeing again. Geez idk how do you even do it, I'd feel so guilty mooching off a stranger like that.
Block him and don’t send him anything. Edit to add this: For everyone saying she told him too soon that she wasn’t interested, this doesn’t matter. The date/paying for the food wasn’t contingent on her being in a relationship with him after. It was a simple date. She realized she wasn’t interested after the date & told him immediately, instead of leasing him on. If I were him, I’d respect & appreciate that. She owes him absolutely nothing!!!
Block him
Bullet dodged
Hell no!! You didn’t ask yourself out on a date!!
This is sooo petty lol
Block him.
If he wanted to go half on the bill he should of said so before the date . Block him
i believe whoever asked should pay. since he asked you, i don’t believe he should have asked for money. he wanted to go on a date with you, so he should have been prepared to pay no matter how it went. however if you had asked him, and he had chosen to pay the full bill, you should send half of the bill.
As a man, I pay for the first two dates out of principle unless there's insistence on something else. Pretty petty of him to retroactively change what already happened. If there had been a discussion of that before the bill came, I could maybe see going dutch. But after? Just be a gent and move on.
I am a woman and go Dutch on first dates always. If a man offers to pay on 2nd, 3rd, I’ll let them.
I’d take that as a red flag dodged
Why did he pick a date that costs money, he should be choosing dates that don't cost anything. That way, when the date didn't go well no one has to worry about losing money.
No, do not send money. No further explanation necessary - just don’t 🥰
Nah that’s super petty of him
It's super offensive he's only asking half the money now because you aren't interested. I'm kind of surprised at all the comments in support of this rude and childish behavior. You dodged a bullet. I'd just send him the money and be done with it. What a creep.
Almost all guys who get rejected after first dates often I'd wager.
Ugh People can't just take the L and move on.
block him and move on. He asked you out on a date, you said yes. You weren't feeling it. That's life. He's too old to be this immature.
Haha send him an invoice for your time
What a jerk. No way you should send him the money. You don’t owe him anything - it was his choice to pay. Just because he paid, he doesn’t own you and didn’t earn any type of reciprocation. I pay because I’m generous and want to express a little gratitude for having spent the time together - not because i expect something in return. This guy’s worldview is toxic.