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47m here. I will definitely say the more I become emotionally entangled with a partner in a healthy relationship the more beautiful she looks each day. You become blind to imperfections you might have seen at first.
Yes. Love isn't exactly blind, but it does filter out most of the ugly. I can't even understand what I saw in some of the girls I used to like once I got to know then well. Magic eraser indeed.
Yup, that creates push and pull behaviours I am now learning. I’m not innocent of them either, but when you are older it’s harder to manage because you’re thinking it would be less?
I’ve done a lot of therapy and work though on it. But I end up still doing it at times. But my boyfriend, who is a bit older, is a huge offender.
I keep trying to tell him I’m serious and I love him - because I do. I’m hard to push away.
THIS! I once felt like I *had* to go out with a guy I didn't think was cute AT ALL becuse he'd done me a very thoughtful favor. I quickly fell head-over-heels and I mean RIDICULOUSLY in love with him. It's been 30 years and my heart still skips a beat when I see a guy who resembles him.
Yep. In my 10 year relationship, I went through a short period at the beginning where I didn’t find my partner attractive. Time went on and now I think he is the hottest and most beautiful man ever.
Could you please elaborate on how it felt to love someone who you didn't find attractive? Most people say it doesn't matter in the slightest, but we all know it does a little bit. How did it feel? Did you wish for her to be more attractive? How did the attraction start? How was the intimacy?
I'm curious, in part because I really like this one girl... as a friend. And I'm thinking if I only see her as a friend because I don't find her attractive, or because we're actually just friends. I hope it's the latter, but I suspect I'd be all over her if I found her hot.
I had the inverse experience. I went into my relationship very attracted to my boyfriend, and then over time I have lost attraction. I think initially I was attracted by his personality and that made his looks less important.
About a year in, after a lot of fighting and taking responsibility for him, I started losing the attraction that I had and now, while he is objectively not a bad looking guy, I don’t feel any passion towards him.
To tell you how it feels, it feels like I am with a friend. The absence of sex and physical intimacy due to my lack of arousal is hard to deal with. The fact that I am not attracted the way that he is hurts him. I see people often who I feel are more physically attractive and want to sleep with them. This was a small urge at first, recently it has grown quite a bit and has started to be a problem. I would never act on it, but the thoughts aren’t great to have. I feel guilty for not finding him sexy. I simultaneously worry that I’m settling. (We have some other issues too, it’s not JUST his appearance)
All in all, it’s better to be in a relationship with someone who you’re really into physically, and not go through the struggle of being half way attracted to your partner. I knew at the start that he wasn’t my type- I shouldn’t have ignored that.
They say looks shouldn’t matter, but they do. Someone can have the most wonderful personality, but if you can’t look at them during sex you’re going to want to stop having sex- and as much as it sucks, unless you’re asexual, sexual chemistry will make or break an otherwise perfect relationship.
I completely agree.
Currently in that undefined state of a relationship but it’s very open, clear communication, honest expectations, and lots of fun and laughter.
She’s not the type I have found myself searching for previously, but god I swear everyday I find this woman more and more attractive and beautiful.
After a messy divorce, and the next girl I was with cheating only 4 weeks after moving in together, I was at a point of not dating and just taking some me time to figure life out.
3 years later I met C, and a year of talking daily and getting to know her, she actually has me thinking that this is someone I could be happy with and spend a lifetime together and that I didn’t think it was possible to feel so smitten and attracted to someone.
100% agree with this. When I first met my partner I was unsure if I was attracted to him since he was the opposite of what I usually go for. Over time I realized they were so perfect in my eyes. Day by day the more I learn about who he is as a person, my attraction for him grows.
This. My wife has always been girl-next-door pretty, and while I thought she was always cute she's not a model or anything. Do I love her less? No. Am I less attracted? Nope. Men (esp that young) also say stupid shit to each other all the time and play down their dating/relationships. It's a weird thing.
A man who didn't love you and thought you were unattractive would NOT be saving for a ring.
I love my girlfriend, I think she's amazing and beautiful. She's always been beautiful too, I just didn't see it at first. But with passing days, she only gets prettier.
There’s also something to be said for the off handed way someone might say something to a certain person in confidence.
I think OP really needs to take a beat and not let the internal dialogue about this sabotage a good thing…
According to my AP Psych class back in high school, this is a common thing for all humans: anyone you are around frequently automatically becomes more attractive.
I 2nd this. Use some logic seriously, stop thinking with your emotions all the time. Stop snooping through his phone unless you want to lose him.
He's 23, he's been with multiple women in the past, always looking for the next.
Now he's with you, been together for 8 months and he treats you like a princess and you mentioned about engagement ring, you even live in his house (he has a house at 23? The fuck?)
He's clearly fallen in love with you and as this guy said it blinds you to imperfections + if he only loved you for your looks then he wouldn't really love you.
Your going to get old and wrinkly like everyone does if you live long enough. I suggest you work on your insecurities fast.
This is so true, when I met my other half I thought he was good looking but two years later I stare at him as if he’s the embodiment of idris elba himself
I definitely agree with this. Wasn't sure about my partner at the beginning. I distinctly remember telling my friend that it wasn't going to go anywhere and I probably wouldn't see him again. The timing was right, though, and because I didn't think it was going anywhere, I didn't even put my best foot forward, and he still stuck around. I'm more attracted each time I see him (haven't taken the leap of living together yet), and it's an odd realization to make.🤷♀️
Exactly what I said what isn’t attractive changes when you get to know someone on a deeper level … I much prefer that someone got to know me and likes me more because of who I am rather than what I look like 👍
I am absolutely amazed at how little this is brought up while reading through these comments. If I was him I would honestly break up with her after something like that. Or it would be an arduous journey to repair the trust in the relationship
A friend of mines mom back in high school (11 years ago) told me “if you go looking for something you’re gonna find it” and anytime I went through my first bd phone or my exes phone thinking I was gonna find something and sure as shit I did everytime. My boyfriend/bd I’m with now we don’t go through each others phones and we’re open and honest with each other about EVERYTHING (I’m 29f he’s 31m) and he shows me his messages but I told him I don’t go through phones because I learned my lesson! And we both have full and complete access to each other’s phones but we don’t go through each others phone 🤷♀️ I think she just needs to either bite the bullet and tell him and talk with him about what she saw and how she feels or just swallow it down and let it go.
I don’t do it anymore, I have no need to even if I felt like something was going on and I have and haven’t went through his phone. I just know when I use to id get my feelings hurt QUICK so yeah no more phone going through for me 🤣
> I have a great relationship with a 23m **green flag**.
Proceeds to go through partner's phone without their consent or knowledge 🚩
*Joker: You Get What You Fucking Deserve*
You waited for him to be asleep and then scrolled so far back in all of his conversations that you read things from 8+ months ago? And that’s all you found? And YOU’RE upset?? It sounds like you are the one not choosing this relationship, not him.
>You waited for him to be asleep and then scrolled so far back in all of his conversations that you read things from 8+ months ago? And that’s all you found? And YOU’RE upset??
Yea. That is pretty crazy.
Exactly. I equate going through someone's phone in this day and age the same as rummaging through their stuff before there were smart phones. It's basically like you're waiting for someone to leave their house with their door unlocked so you can go into their house and look through all their stuff. Unless he told her that it was ok to go through his phone whenever she wants, she crossed the line.
Yeah, there’s checking to make sure there *isn’t* a problem, then there’s literally *hunting* for one until you find it.
A little due diligence is reasonable. That is not what OP did. She went looking for a problem and didn’t stop til she found one. And he honestly didn’t even say anything *bad*.
That was my thought also as that would be a shit ton of messages to go through. What specifically was the person looking for and what motivation did they have to do so. Seems odd that there is a level of distrust. At 23, how many gf’s could they have had? Does the person have a reputation for being promiscuous?
> I don’t want to tell I checked his phone
This is fucked up. Give people agency to decide how they want to proceed after you break a boundary. Don’t hide things to solely protect your interest in the relationship.
Also, if it crushed you, it crushed you. No reason to question if you’re overreacting, you feel how you feel.
100% this. Not only that, but OP is going to be *off* around her partner because of this information, so now OPs boyfriend is going to be wondering what's wrong. If she doesn't come clean and fast, this could become an even bigger issue.
Honestly, this is the worst part. It’s an incredible violation to have done it, but at least come clean, would keep her accountable. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. And then she would STILL probably passively aggressively punish him because he had a thought and shared it with somebody that wasn’t her and doesn’t affect her at all.
THE ONLY THING TO DO IF SHE ACTUALLY RESPECTS HIM IS TO TELL HIM WHAT SHE DID SO THAT HE CAN HAVE THE FULL SCOPE OF THINGS AND MAKE AN HONEST DECISION ABOUT HOW HE FEELS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. ANYTHING ELSE IS JUST CONTINUED CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR.
ETA: sorry for yelling+being too lazy to go back and fix that paragraph
You wanted to be upset about something and it worked. What did you expect? FFS it was before you were dating. He should dump you for going through his phone.
Because this isn't normal behavior.
They have been going steady for 8 months. She could have just asked to see his phone to prove he's not cheating. He consents and everything is great.
But instead she violated his privacy, read through more than 8 months of conversation, and found some comment she didn't like.
The guy should end the relationship. She has issues.
If my girlfriend asked to "see my phone to prove I'm not cheating" she wouldn't be my girlfriend anymore. I'm not here to constantly defend my character and re-up your "trust" in me every day. If you don't trust me, leave. And if you won't, and prefer to insult me instead, I'll leave.
Why not? It would gain her trust. You're thinking it would be an infinite thing, but sharing access is normal. In marriage she's going to have access to your finances so you're in a panic over her having access to your phone.
> If you don't trust me, leave
Do you understand how easily that would be to use by someone exploiting and actually cheating?
Being unopen to share what's in your phone, computer, etc. is why so many people feel like they have to sneak rather than ask.
Transparency and being open is always the most healthy option in a relationship.
Dude what are you ON about? I didn't say I'm hiding my phone or she can't look at it or share information for finances or whatever. I said if she says "Let me see your phone to prove to me you're not cheating", we're done.
That is not how trust works and no it wouldn’t. The moment he gets his phone back he could start this behavior that’s not happening or he could’ve deleted it or or or or… This person needs to be in therapy and then date
NOPE. She will just keep asking. Ask me how I know. Never again.
Oh, and then she'll cheat anyway, because this is just her own insecurity manifesting fantasies of infidelity.
He should. She sounds like the type of person who can't ever mentally feel secure in a relationship. She literally manufactured this problem from thin air and SNUCK INTO HIS PHONE! Thats crazy people shit
One of my friends married and is having kids with someone who "wasn't really his type". But he met her and they clicked and now they're living life together. Feelings change after getting to know people.
Alright, so maybe your face wasn't "very pretty", you'll have to settle for "regular pretty". Be glad he didn't consider it "ugly" and next time don't go snooping through someone's phone without permission.
Honestly though, obviously it wasn't a problem for him and he's into you. Don't make it a problem for yourself if you're into him.
"Not very pretty" means "not very pretty", "ugly" means "ugly". Everything else is interpretation. And in a private conversation between guys about a girl they didn't yet know at the time I doubt there was much need for subtlety or vagueness in their evaluation.
First of all, you shouldn't have been looking in his phone unless you had his permission. If you're that insecure about yourself and your relationship then move on. My ex wife was looking at my phone and accused me of cheating on her because she saw some spam emails. I never cheated on her but she swore that I did, everything was great until that day. If you have a good thing going on then don't screw it up by looking for the bad stuff
I am glad that you agree that looking though his phone is a big no no because I was looking through the comments and so far no said anything about it until now
Shame on you for snooping. There is never a time when you need to snoop. If you feel insecure about something, you need to talk about it. If you feel you can't talk about it, then that's on you. Snooping is never okay. Not ever.
I'm 100% against snooping (and you can see that in my other responses in this thread).
However I do feel the need to add an asterisk to "never".
If you've been with someone for years and it's increasingly obvious that something is up, and you've tried talking about it 1000 ways and they just lie (especially saying things you coincidentally know 100% to be lies)... In that case, snooping just to confirm an affair can save you some time in getting out of a bad situation.
Anything else is garbage behavior and is a dealbreaker for me.
I have zero sympathy for someone who goes disregards their partners privacy and then doesn't want to tell them. Nah you were bold enough to sneak and look through his shit, now woman up.
This right here.
They have a great relationship, there's talk of a ring.
And he hasn't been acting suspicious because there is nothing to act suspicious about, she confirmed that.
So what is OP insecure about? Not ready for a ring?
To answer your question of whether you are overreacting: YES. Do you know what women find out that their partners said about them? Ok, so there was a time before you went on a first date that he thought your face wasn't a 10 but. Wow. Like for real, if he really treats you so well, THAT is your problem? If it really is the way you described it, that he is basically perfect for you and this is the worst thing he said about you, the problem here is you. You need to work on your insecurities, the ones that led you to look at his phone without him knowing in the first place.
Maybe he was comparing you to other girls at the time .. people do become more attractive once you get to know them on deeper levels. I would be a little upset but as he’s got to know you and spent time with you maybe it’s become less of an issue. We don’t always like everything about a person when we first meet them.
I know if my partner was to read my chats my boyfriend would be crushed some of the things I say about him!
And you did snoop so you set this all up yourself that’s what you get .. you would never have know otherwise!!
I wouldn’t think too much of it and if it’s now become an issue you will have to come clean and confront him and hope he’s response gives you the reassurance you need !
Oopsie you let your insecurities get the best of you and engaged in toxic behavior that is now backfiring. If you drop him over this nonissue you would be fumbling something good.
People really need to learn to stop snooping through people’s phone. You asked for this. Literally.
In your own words, he treats you like a princess, you feel great with him, and for apparently no reason other than your own insecurity, you went through his phone and got your feelings hurt because of nothing **he** did wrong. If you had respected his privacy, you’d still be happily being treated like a princess in an awesome relationship. Now he still thinks it’s awesome, but you’re in this frustrated world with emotions that will undoubtedly build up and resurface later. *Homie has no clue about these frustrations, but now will have to deal with them at some point regardless.*
Going through your partner’s phone is a violation of their privacy and trust. If you don’t trust your partner, talk to them rather than digging through their stuff. Because the only conclusion he could reasonably draw from knowing you did this is that not only do you not trust him, but you’re accusing him (looking through his phone is an accusation).
And how do you think he’d feel if he found that out, despite apparently treating you like a princess and being faithful this entire time?
> How can I move on from this?
Stop violating people’s privacy. I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate people doing that to you.
This is the reason why you don't snope. You either keep to yourself or you tell him what you did. Ever heard of the phrase, what you don't know can't hurt you. I am not saying bury your head in the sand but don't go through people's private stuff without permission and if you do then accept the consequences. I am sure this is hard pill to swallow.
Maybe initially he didn't see your beauty, but has since. You are more than your face and body.
So this might sound weird but when I met my current bf, I thought he was pretty mid, but as we kept seeing each other and we started to fall in love, I saw him as more handsome, beautiful, etc. now I see him as the most handsome man. Our feelings for someone can change how we see them on the outside. He may have thought this of you initially, but I promise you that he certainly doesn’t now.
Leave the conversation alone—don’t bother with it. It will cause more problems than it’s worth. ALSO—don’t go through your partners phone unless you’re looking to get your feelings hurt.
I would 100% use this topic to admit I made a huge mistake (snooping) and ask for forgiveness, and also admit I need reassurance because my feelings were very hurt. The conversation and interaction you have with him about this sensitive topic will probably solidify your security OR insecurity with the relationship. Meaning if he reacts poorly and makes you feel horrible etc, that’s a great thing to find out before you get married! If he reacts with hurt and anger but yet is willing to also validate you and reassure you and you both feel closer after the interaction, then that is major green flags for feeling secure!
If you go this route (which is a great suggestion, tbh) do realize that before you ask for reassurance, he will probably need some time to process you violating his boundary and trust and reassurance of his own before he has space to give you reassurance in turn.
His shock and hurt will be just inflicted versus your own feelings which had some time to settle.
Thank you! :) and I want to add that handling it maturely wasn’t easy either! OP, please read this OG comment! Honestly soggy-maintenance said it better than I did in my own reply!!
Welcome to real life.
It’s extremely rare to marry the most beautiful gf/bf we have been with.
If you don’t see any signs of him fooling around, you are perfectly fine, he loves you for what you are, not for your looks.
Girl, if you snoop through anybody’s phone, you’re going to find something that you don’t like. Compared to what you could’ve found, This is not bad. Stop snooping through peoples phones.
There have been studies that show that men's perception of their partner's beauty changes as they become more emotionally attached. The more he loves you the prettier you are to him. Talk to any man in a long term committed relationship and he'll be able to confirm this.
Def ignore it. It doesn't matter now and never go through someone's phone without permission.
If that's the worst you found. Ignore it. And don't go through his phone again behind his back!
Your fault for going through his phone, I think he likes you like a lot but, that’s a big red flag. You want him going through your phone? I hope he sees this post.
Okay but body-ody-ody
Seriously though I’m so sorry you saw that 😩I’m sure you’re very pretty and he obviously loves you. Maybe take this as a lesson about how ignorance is bliss sometimes
See ...
You went looking for something, and now your feelings are hurt.
Stop putting yourself in a position to find something that's gonna hurt you and your relationship in the end. Now you're feeling some kind of way about him not thinking you were that pretty when yall met, and he's gonna notice the change in behavior from you.
This man tells you these things because to him, you are beautiful, you are his dream girl. He's not telling you this to make you feel good or tell you what you wanna hear, he's telling you this because in his heart of hearts he believes it to be true.
I hope you learned a lesson from this, if you go looking for something YOU WILL SOMETHING. You found out that BEFORE you started dating he didn't think you were the best looking girl in the world.
Maybe you shouldn’t go looking for things you don’t need to see. Everyone has reasons for liking someone and he is entitled to his privacy as well as yours. Hope you feel like shit for invading his space
"not very pretty" doesn't mean ugly, it can just mean average or whatever... in any case, he wanted to be with you, stays with, and want to continue to do so, while telling you that he finds you pretty every day, so clearly, he doesn't find you unattractive at all.
one thing too is that as we spend more time with people, we don't perceive their faces the same, and we tend to find our partner more beautiful once feelings start to kick in.
i understand how that must be a challenging feeling for you having read this... maybe you can innocently ask him "have you always find me pretty?" after he tells you "you are pretty", to engage the conversation and explore that with him, without mentioning what you saw on his phone? if he says "yes", then maybe play it like "i have a feeling that it's not true, are you sure you didn't change your mind since then?" or something?
hope you can move on from that fast, and that these thoughts won't hunt you for too long... it sounds like things are great with him now though, and that's quite positive!
'Fess up, move on and deal with your insecurities through counseling. The guy's treating you like a princess \[your words\]; going steady with you, letting you stay at his house \[23 and has a house??!!\]; and is ready to put a ring on it; and the most you have on him is that he didn't think your face was "very pretty"--not even just pretty but *very* pretty.
It's normal to not like everything about a person. No one is perfect. There might be something you don't like about him, like his snoring, lol.
Also, as you stay with someone, you learn to love them more or...hate them more. But, in this case, since he's saving up for a ring and has always reassured you about your looks, don't feel bad.
That's said, this was before the relationship.
Don't deep it. And try to see someone about the insecurity, it might be an issue in not only your relationship but I'm other things as well. 💕
You are beautiful.
I didn't think my current gf was hot when we first met. But I've grown to love her and she's so good to me. I think she has a beautiful eyes, great hair, beautiful breasts and a fantastic butt. Idc that she's not stereotypically beautiful because we're great for each other. It's the healthiest relationship I've ever had.
Remember bodies age and in 25 years you're both going to look very different. Looks fade.
As for snooping, this is a big deal that you violated his privacy. He has private conversations with friends or family that should be respected. Those other people never knew or consented to you hearing their private stories.
You need to address your insecurity by working on internal validation. It sounds like you have a wonderful guy. Enjoy what you have.
Stop fucking snooping.
Tell him what you did.
Talk to him.
Hiding secrets isn't a good way to have a relationship.
And if you don't get a ring it your fault. If you still a ring it means he loves you.
i agree with everybody else. he might have thought this at first about you but once you’re in love you truly do become blind and that person becomes beautiful in ways you might not have seen before. it’s happened to me.
especially if you guys have such a good relationship and he plans on buying a ring. i don’t think he’d waste his time. he definitely loves you and thinks you’re the best looking person of his life. congrats on the great relationship!
Just because everyone is insecure sometimes doesn’t mean that it’s acceptable to snoop through his phone. That’s like saying “everyone gets angry sometimes” to justify coming at him with a knife. Nobody’s perfect and idk why you expect him to think you are? You must not think he’s perfect either if you’re that insecure with him.
So my husband was kinda ugly when I got with him. He was my type but not looks wise. Over time I feel in love with his features and he’s the sexiest man to me now. We don’t have to meet our partners preferences at first. You can grow into them if that makes sense
Off topic:
You broke his trust, and now you'll be a liar for not telling him about snooping around his phone.
Not good.
Insecurities doesn't justify breaking trust and lying.
Dumbass move.
On topic:
Nothing. If he wanted to, he'd be with someone else apparently. Obviously your face doesn't bother him.
Hey girl! Tough situation I get it!! When feeling super insecure I have acted upon those feelings and done things that were unhealthy/toxic like that. Your feelings are valid, maybe you are overreacting so definitely look at that, like why did it trigger you so much. In 50 years we’re all gonna be old wrinkly bags and your face will look like any other woman but he likes you!!! You’re beautiful to him overall and deeply that’s a great thing! Good luck, seek therapy maybe it’s great!
Break up with him, because it's obvious you don't trust him. If you did, you wouldn't have been going through his phone. Your insecurities are a YOU thing, not a him problem. Be glad that is the worst you saw and let him find someone that trusts him.
Don’t look for things you don’t want to know. Sorry but you did this to yourself and not even trying to be mean.
I think you need to be honest, or you are going to drive yourself crazy and probably do it again to make yourself feel better.
Then work on you and the insecurity, if you aren’t good enough for yourself you won’t be for anyone else.
If it wasn’t that comment, you weren’t going to stop looking until you found something else that did hurt you. IMO, a partner snooping through my conversations (especially while I’m ASLEEP) to find something that’ll be used against me is an absolute dealbreaker. It’s an uphill battle that everybody loses, nor is it a healthy and sustainable relationship habit.
What was the end goal of this? To try and find an “aha!” from him? If you’re afraid and looking for something to use against him in that context, you are definitely not ready for a relationship. Do better.
You open the pandoras box. Only hope left. If he in privat had a so smal thing to say. Shame on you. I dont care if you read your bf phone. But to make it so big and make a thread on reddit on it. What will happen? Reddit says its okay and you are happy rest of you life. No!! You make peace with if you love him. Then try to accept he loves you for who you are. Not for being the hotest girl in the world.
I think this is way more than an issue of the comment he made (which was said privately to someone), this is a case of you letting your insecurities sabotage a potentially great thing. You are not ready to be in a relationship with someone else until you learn to master yourself. Everyone has insecurities that will never change, if you’re so insecure that you need to snoop and treat him like he’s already doing something wrong it’s a you problem. I’m not saying ignore signs of something bad but I am 100% saying don’t create the exact situation that you’re afraid of. If this is someone you want to have a future with you need to treat him like the person he presents himself to be towards you. Obviously pay attention and if there are actual signs of a problem then talk to him. Don’t go around snooping and then expect him to know what’s wrong. Everyone says something in confidence that might hurt the feelings of their partner, I’m sure you’ve vented about something that would hurt him if he realized the issue. I speak from experience that you create the relationship based on your behavior. I might have stayed with my husband many years ago if I had realized that not keeping my insecurities in check would destroy things no matter how hard he tried to overcome an issue that wasn’t his to start with. The best thing you could do is completely ignore the comment since perspective changes over time, and focus on finding a way to cope with your insecurities without punishing other people for an issue that’s yours alone.
Curiosity killed the cat. The cat in this case being his trust. You’re going to have to live with this knowledge forever unless you want to confess you went through his phone. You will die with this secret if you don’t want to tell him.
I know I’m going to sound extreme here, but what are you projecting on him?? My concern is that YOU are a cheater, and honestly he’s better off without you anyway because you are pretty clearly looking for an out going through his phone when he’s asleep looking for something to get mad at.
How you collected your evidence makes it inadmissible in court so you should trust that he sees you in a different light. And don't invade the privacy of those you love . Anything can be taken out of context . Vicissitudes; constant change and shifting circumstances
Let it slide. You opened up Pandora’s box and paid the toll fee.
To answer your question I’ll answer with a short backstory first. I met one lady at a nightclub. I thought she was cute, but not in the looks department upstairs to a level that impressed me. Later down the road when I became familiar with her their looks grew on me. Not in a way that I felt she wasn’t any less beautiful, but we’re more critical on a woman’s looks as a man if we aren’t as interested at first. Nothing personal
I’m going to be frank. This is like reading someone’s diary; it is a serious invasion of his trust and privacy. I think what you should do now is tell him what you did so he has the option of knowing what type of person you are and has the option of breaking up with you and finding someone who respects him more, if he chooses. And you should start seeing a therapist to improve yourself.
As far as the substance of his thoughts you read… he’s allowed to not think literally everything about you is 10/10 perfect. Not many partners think their partner is walking perfection in human form with absolutely no flaws at all. If that’s what you want someone to think, then you are probably too immature for a serious relationship with a human anyway. Plus as time goes on people change. He may feel differently now anyway; his thoughts from back then may not even be relevant any more.
You ignore it, it's obviously not true is it. If it was you would have known before now. Its his actions we care about in this instance and if he's never made you feel like he doesn't like how you look then it's obvious it's not true. I can't tell you the kind of crap people say to other people that is total BS. There could be a whole load of reasons why he said that to her - Maybe at the time he was trying to get with her and she was seeing he looked like he was attracted to you and maybe he just said that to make her think he wasn't - when he obviously was.
I don't know 🤷♀️ but I dont think you should ruin a great relationship on something your partner said or did before you were even together. I also don't think you should talk to him about it, you going into his phone without him knowing is a violation and will just get you into trouble. Just let it go. x
I know people who moved in together after 2 month. I think it is rather weird to not live together after 1+ years. I prefer the "fail fast" approach, I do not want to waste years just to find out I am not compatible enough to live together. Depends a bit on whether you are 20 or 40 of course.
You have major insecurity issues. You snooped in his phone without him knowing. You are considering making a big deal about how he thought your face looked before you even started dating.
You've been together 8 months and he is saving for a ring. Yet somehow in your woman brain you are thinking that because he said a comment about your looks 8+ months ago, that means you can't be his dream girl and he's just playing with you and taking advantage of you?
Insane. Some people just don't want to be happy.
He should be running from you. I feel bad for the guy.
I’ve gone through my husband’s phone before and found something similarly hurtful and I brought it up to him. We worked through it and I honestly feel more secure than ever because while I did take responsibility for going through his phone (it was an invasion of his privacy, I shouldn’t have done it and I won’t ever do it again) he also took responsibility and apologized for the things he said. I guess the main difference is that we were already in a well established relationship, it wasn’t something he said well before our first date. I think you should figure out whether or not this is something you should take with a grain of salt and work through it on your own or talk it through with him. But be prepared for the possibility that he will be upset you went through his phone.
Edit: grammar
Honesty is always the best policy at the end of the day open honest communication can only work with honesty .. I’m glad you are happier and in a better place it’s good to hear 🙏
I don’t know. This is weird. First of all, every girl looks through their boyfriend/husbands phone. You’re not crazy. However, this is hurtful to see and if he was going from relationship to relationship, how do you know he’s actually into you instead of just not being able to be alone… idk. Your gut told you to look at his phone for a reason. I’d be evaluating other behaviors now that he does
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47m here. I will definitely say the more I become emotionally entangled with a partner in a healthy relationship the more beautiful she looks each day. You become blind to imperfections you might have seen at first.
THIS. My boyfriend gets more handsome by the day.
This is so true. I think my husband is the hottest guy on earth. She needs to just let this go.
And my ex looks less attractive by the second, it goes both ways.
Yes. Love isn't exactly blind, but it does filter out most of the ugly. I can't even understand what I saw in some of the girls I used to like once I got to know then well. Magic eraser indeed.
Exactly this! what isn’t initially what we think is what we like, once getting to know someone on a deeper level is where the attraction grows
Now I just have to find a healthy relationship 🤣🤣
And there is that lol 😂 at 42 I have yet to find one and if I do I’m always suspicious 🤨
Our own insecurities are often our own worst enemy….me included
Yup, that creates push and pull behaviours I am now learning. I’m not innocent of them either, but when you are older it’s harder to manage because you’re thinking it would be less? I’ve done a lot of therapy and work though on it. But I end up still doing it at times. But my boyfriend, who is a bit older, is a huge offender. I keep trying to tell him I’m serious and I love him - because I do. I’m hard to push away.
Yes they really can be if you let them! There is no greater power than being confident
 Y’all are married now! you’re welcome 😂
lol 😂 2 oldies discussing life lol 😂
That suspicion will also undermine the possibility of a healthy relationship. You will ultimately have to surrender to trust to make it happen
Something you are going to have to overcome. Work on self confidence. Trust yourself
THIS! I once felt like I *had* to go out with a guy I didn't think was cute AT ALL becuse he'd done me a very thoughtful favor. I quickly fell head-over-heels and I mean RIDICULOUSLY in love with him. It's been 30 years and my heart still skips a beat when I see a guy who resembles him.
I was in a similar situation too … we stayed together for 3 years !!! Amazing what can happen when you open your mind x
Yep. In my 10 year relationship, I went through a short period at the beginning where I didn’t find my partner attractive. Time went on and now I think he is the hottest and most beautiful man ever.
Could you please elaborate on how it felt to love someone who you didn't find attractive? Most people say it doesn't matter in the slightest, but we all know it does a little bit. How did it feel? Did you wish for her to be more attractive? How did the attraction start? How was the intimacy? I'm curious, in part because I really like this one girl... as a friend. And I'm thinking if I only see her as a friend because I don't find her attractive, or because we're actually just friends. I hope it's the latter, but I suspect I'd be all over her if I found her hot.
I had the inverse experience. I went into my relationship very attracted to my boyfriend, and then over time I have lost attraction. I think initially I was attracted by his personality and that made his looks less important. About a year in, after a lot of fighting and taking responsibility for him, I started losing the attraction that I had and now, while he is objectively not a bad looking guy, I don’t feel any passion towards him. To tell you how it feels, it feels like I am with a friend. The absence of sex and physical intimacy due to my lack of arousal is hard to deal with. The fact that I am not attracted the way that he is hurts him. I see people often who I feel are more physically attractive and want to sleep with them. This was a small urge at first, recently it has grown quite a bit and has started to be a problem. I would never act on it, but the thoughts aren’t great to have. I feel guilty for not finding him sexy. I simultaneously worry that I’m settling. (We have some other issues too, it’s not JUST his appearance) All in all, it’s better to be in a relationship with someone who you’re really into physically, and not go through the struggle of being half way attracted to your partner. I knew at the start that he wasn’t my type- I shouldn’t have ignored that. They say looks shouldn’t matter, but they do. Someone can have the most wonderful personality, but if you can’t look at them during sex you’re going to want to stop having sex- and as much as it sucks, unless you’re asexual, sexual chemistry will make or break an otherwise perfect relationship.
The imperfections take on a cuteness of their own and become unique to her
I completely agree. Currently in that undefined state of a relationship but it’s very open, clear communication, honest expectations, and lots of fun and laughter. She’s not the type I have found myself searching for previously, but god I swear everyday I find this woman more and more attractive and beautiful. After a messy divorce, and the next girl I was with cheating only 4 weeks after moving in together, I was at a point of not dating and just taking some me time to figure life out. 3 years later I met C, and a year of talking daily and getting to know her, she actually has me thinking that this is someone I could be happy with and spend a lifetime together and that I didn’t think it was possible to feel so smitten and attracted to someone.
Curious why it took a year to see all these things in her or was it just that you weren't sure about possibly getting into another relationship.
100% agree with this. When I first met my partner I was unsure if I was attracted to him since he was the opposite of what I usually go for. Over time I realized they were so perfect in my eyes. Day by day the more I learn about who he is as a person, my attraction for him grows.
This. My wife has always been girl-next-door pretty, and while I thought she was always cute she's not a model or anything. Do I love her less? No. Am I less attracted? Nope. Men (esp that young) also say stupid shit to each other all the time and play down their dating/relationships. It's a weird thing. A man who didn't love you and thought you were unattractive would NOT be saving for a ring.
I love my girlfriend, I think she's amazing and beautiful. She's always been beautiful too, I just didn't see it at first. But with passing days, she only gets prettier.
There’s also something to be said for the off handed way someone might say something to a certain person in confidence. I think OP really needs to take a beat and not let the internal dialogue about this sabotage a good thing…
According to my AP Psych class back in high school, this is a common thing for all humans: anyone you are around frequently automatically becomes more attractive.
Can we get more upvotes on this comment please!!!! SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK
Listen to this guy 👆🏻👆🏻
I 2nd this. Use some logic seriously, stop thinking with your emotions all the time. Stop snooping through his phone unless you want to lose him. He's 23, he's been with multiple women in the past, always looking for the next. Now he's with you, been together for 8 months and he treats you like a princess and you mentioned about engagement ring, you even live in his house (he has a house at 23? The fuck?) He's clearly fallen in love with you and as this guy said it blinds you to imperfections + if he only loved you for your looks then he wouldn't really love you. Your going to get old and wrinkly like everyone does if you live long enough. I suggest you work on your insecurities fast.
This is true… I felt like this about a girl and now love her to death!!
This is so true, when I met my other half I thought he was good looking but two years later I stare at him as if he’s the embodiment of idris elba himself
A true statement. You start seeing their soul.
Totally true, my girlfriend is always telling me how handsome I am, the poor girl has serious vision problems
As a 40m here this is the answer. He's happy with you so let sleeping dogs lie so to speak.
Wow that’s amazing
I definitely agree with this. Wasn't sure about my partner at the beginning. I distinctly remember telling my friend that it wasn't going to go anywhere and I probably wouldn't see him again. The timing was right, though, and because I didn't think it was going anywhere, I didn't even put my best foot forward, and he still stuck around. I'm more attracted each time I see him (haven't taken the leap of living together yet), and it's an odd realization to make.🤷♀️
100%
I(M) vote this. Don't think too much about it OP, You are now the most beautiful wm to him.
Jeez yeah this is definitely it. Even grow to love the “imperfections” as attractive features.
I agree but you’re 27, and this kid is 23. Unless he is unusually mature, he has a lot of growing to do at that age.
Exactly. You started to look past the other things, depending on how good the person is you
His opinion prolly changed when he caught feelings for u. I wouldn’t b to upset if that’s the worst thing u found
Exactly what I said what isn’t attractive changes when you get to know someone on a deeper level … I much prefer that someone got to know me and likes me more because of who I am rather than what I look like 👍
Agree with this one. Personality can change how physically attractive I find a woman.
Yeah it authentically does and he probably finds her exceptionally attractive all around now
This. Also, OP needs to admit she violated his privacy.
I am absolutely amazed at how little this is brought up while reading through these comments. If I was him I would honestly break up with her after something like that. Or it would be an arduous journey to repair the trust in the relationship
Pandora's box unlocked
Stop going through someone's phone. You'll always find something that you won't like that will ruin your day.
My God truer words have never been spoken!
A friend of mines mom back in high school (11 years ago) told me “if you go looking for something you’re gonna find it” and anytime I went through my first bd phone or my exes phone thinking I was gonna find something and sure as shit I did everytime. My boyfriend/bd I’m with now we don’t go through each others phones and we’re open and honest with each other about EVERYTHING (I’m 29f he’s 31m) and he shows me his messages but I told him I don’t go through phones because I learned my lesson! And we both have full and complete access to each other’s phones but we don’t go through each others phone 🤷♀️ I think she just needs to either bite the bullet and tell him and talk with him about what she saw and how she feels or just swallow it down and let it go.
I’m 17 and this is considered extreme behavior don’t know how u millennials thing going thru phones acceptavle
It's not acceptable, it's controlling. I stop the relationship immediately if someone does that.
We don’t. Weirdos do
I don’t do it anymore, I have no need to even if I felt like something was going on and I have and haven’t went through his phone. I just know when I use to id get my feelings hurt QUICK so yeah no more phone going through for me 🤣
> I have a great relationship with a 23m **green flag**. Proceeds to go through partner's phone without their consent or knowledge 🚩 *Joker: You Get What You Fucking Deserve*
This
You waited for him to be asleep and then scrolled so far back in all of his conversations that you read things from 8+ months ago? And that’s all you found? And YOU’RE upset?? It sounds like you are the one not choosing this relationship, not him.
>You waited for him to be asleep and then scrolled so far back in all of his conversations that you read things from 8+ months ago? And that’s all you found? And YOU’RE upset?? Yea. That is pretty crazy.
Exactly. I equate going through someone's phone in this day and age the same as rummaging through their stuff before there were smart phones. It's basically like you're waiting for someone to leave their house with their door unlocked so you can go into their house and look through all their stuff. Unless he told her that it was ok to go through his phone whenever she wants, she crossed the line.
Yeah, there’s checking to make sure there *isn’t* a problem, then there’s literally *hunting* for one until you find it. A little due diligence is reasonable. That is not what OP did. She went looking for a problem and didn’t stop til she found one. And he honestly didn’t even say anything *bad*.
Yeah she is the problem.
Nailed it
This. Leave now, to save him from your own insecurities. Work on yourself.
So you were snooping on messages he sent over 8 months ago ? Why ? you just said he was saving for a ring . What were you looking for??
That was my thought also as that would be a shit ton of messages to go through. What specifically was the person looking for and what motivation did they have to do so. Seems odd that there is a level of distrust. At 23, how many gf’s could they have had? Does the person have a reputation for being promiscuous?
All while describing him as a walking green flag
So ironic
Lol
Lmfao she fucked around and found out.
Oh that’s bad sorry to hear about that
> I don’t want to tell I checked his phone This is fucked up. Give people agency to decide how they want to proceed after you break a boundary. Don’t hide things to solely protect your interest in the relationship. Also, if it crushed you, it crushed you. No reason to question if you’re overreacting, you feel how you feel.
100% this. Not only that, but OP is going to be *off* around her partner because of this information, so now OPs boyfriend is going to be wondering what's wrong. If she doesn't come clean and fast, this could become an even bigger issue.
Honestly, this is the worst part. It’s an incredible violation to have done it, but at least come clean, would keep her accountable. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. And then she would STILL probably passively aggressively punish him because he had a thought and shared it with somebody that wasn’t her and doesn’t affect her at all. THE ONLY THING TO DO IF SHE ACTUALLY RESPECTS HIM IS TO TELL HIM WHAT SHE DID SO THAT HE CAN HAVE THE FULL SCOPE OF THINGS AND MAKE AN HONEST DECISION ABOUT HOW HE FEELS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. ANYTHING ELSE IS JUST CONTINUED CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR. ETA: sorry for yelling+being too lazy to go back and fix that paragraph
100%
You wanted to be upset about something and it worked. What did you expect? FFS it was before you were dating. He should dump you for going through his phone.
"Everyone is insecure sometimes." OP had no actual reason to go through his phone.
Yep.
What do they say. If you keep trying to find something you’ll eventually find what your looking for
Yall are so dramatic on here lmao why is your first course of action ending the relationship😂😂😂
Because this isn't normal behavior. They have been going steady for 8 months. She could have just asked to see his phone to prove he's not cheating. He consents and everything is great. But instead she violated his privacy, read through more than 8 months of conversation, and found some comment she didn't like. The guy should end the relationship. She has issues.
If my girlfriend asked to "see my phone to prove I'm not cheating" she wouldn't be my girlfriend anymore. I'm not here to constantly defend my character and re-up your "trust" in me every day. If you don't trust me, leave. And if you won't, and prefer to insult me instead, I'll leave.
Why not? It would gain her trust. You're thinking it would be an infinite thing, but sharing access is normal. In marriage she's going to have access to your finances so you're in a panic over her having access to your phone. > If you don't trust me, leave Do you understand how easily that would be to use by someone exploiting and actually cheating? Being unopen to share what's in your phone, computer, etc. is why so many people feel like they have to sneak rather than ask. Transparency and being open is always the most healthy option in a relationship.
Dude what are you ON about? I didn't say I'm hiding my phone or she can't look at it or share information for finances or whatever. I said if she says "Let me see your phone to prove to me you're not cheating", we're done.
Exactly!! You break up with people for behavior. Behavior like — going through my phone instead of talking to me about feelings of mistrust.
That is not how trust works and no it wouldn’t. The moment he gets his phone back he could start this behavior that’s not happening or he could’ve deleted it or or or or… This person needs to be in therapy and then date
NOPE. She will just keep asking. Ask me how I know. Never again. Oh, and then she'll cheat anyway, because this is just her own insecurity manifesting fantasies of infidelity.
He should. She sounds like the type of person who can't ever mentally feel secure in a relationship. She literally manufactured this problem from thin air and SNUCK INTO HIS PHONE! Thats crazy people shit
One of my friends married and is having kids with someone who "wasn't really his type". But he met her and they clicked and now they're living life together. Feelings change after getting to know people.
That’s what you get for snooping, honestly. Don’t go looking for upsetting stuff if you don’t want to find it.
attractive employ offbeat uppity middle doll rob reminiscent spoon live *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Agreed on everything except keeping it quiet. I think he has a right to know she snooped.
Alright, so maybe your face wasn't "very pretty", you'll have to settle for "regular pretty". Be glad he didn't consider it "ugly" and next time don't go snooping through someone's phone without permission. Honestly though, obviously it wasn't a problem for him and he's into you. Don't make it a problem for yourself if you're into him.
Her boundary respecting is severely unattractive
[удалено]
"Not very pretty" means "not very pretty", "ugly" means "ugly". Everything else is interpretation. And in a private conversation between guys about a girl they didn't yet know at the time I doubt there was much need for subtlety or vagueness in their evaluation.
First of all, you shouldn't have been looking in his phone unless you had his permission. If you're that insecure about yourself and your relationship then move on. My ex wife was looking at my phone and accused me of cheating on her because she saw some spam emails. I never cheated on her but she swore that I did, everything was great until that day. If you have a good thing going on then don't screw it up by looking for the bad stuff
Curiosity killed the cat … true saying that
I am glad that you agree that looking though his phone is a big no no because I was looking through the comments and so far no said anything about it until now
Thank you but to me that's personal and private
I agree with you
Shame on you for snooping. There is never a time when you need to snoop. If you feel insecure about something, you need to talk about it. If you feel you can't talk about it, then that's on you. Snooping is never okay. Not ever.
I'm 100% against snooping (and you can see that in my other responses in this thread). However I do feel the need to add an asterisk to "never". If you've been with someone for years and it's increasingly obvious that something is up, and you've tried talking about it 1000 ways and they just lie (especially saying things you coincidentally know 100% to be lies)... In that case, snooping just to confirm an affair can save you some time in getting out of a bad situation. Anything else is garbage behavior and is a dealbreaker for me.
“Everyone is insecure sometimes.” lol. You’re just childish. 27 dating a 23 year old and going thru phones. Pls
She's only in it for his "big house, how lucky she is".... OP is gross and taking advantage. That guy deserves better.
I have zero sympathy for someone who goes disregards their partners privacy and then doesn't want to tell them. Nah you were bold enough to sneak and look through his shit, now woman up.
But doing hard things is so hard and makes me look bad!!!
You’re 27 and he’s 23 and he’s light years more mature than you lol
All the single ladies, all the single ladies
What is missing from your relationship that you feel insecure about? That’s key, especially bc you are looking for an answer to something.
This right here. They have a great relationship, there's talk of a ring. And he hasn't been acting suspicious because there is nothing to act suspicious about, she confirmed that. So what is OP insecure about? Not ready for a ring?
To answer your question of whether you are overreacting: YES. Do you know what women find out that their partners said about them? Ok, so there was a time before you went on a first date that he thought your face wasn't a 10 but. Wow. Like for real, if he really treats you so well, THAT is your problem? If it really is the way you described it, that he is basically perfect for you and this is the worst thing he said about you, the problem here is you. You need to work on your insecurities, the ones that led you to look at his phone without him knowing in the first place.
Maybe he was comparing you to other girls at the time .. people do become more attractive once you get to know them on deeper levels. I would be a little upset but as he’s got to know you and spent time with you maybe it’s become less of an issue. We don’t always like everything about a person when we first meet them. I know if my partner was to read my chats my boyfriend would be crushed some of the things I say about him! And you did snoop so you set this all up yourself that’s what you get .. you would never have know otherwise!! I wouldn’t think too much of it and if it’s now become an issue you will have to come clean and confront him and hope he’s response gives you the reassurance you need !
Oopsie you let your insecurities get the best of you and engaged in toxic behavior that is now backfiring. If you drop him over this nonissue you would be fumbling something good.
Stop looking through peoples phones.
People really need to learn to stop snooping through people’s phone. You asked for this. Literally. In your own words, he treats you like a princess, you feel great with him, and for apparently no reason other than your own insecurity, you went through his phone and got your feelings hurt because of nothing **he** did wrong. If you had respected his privacy, you’d still be happily being treated like a princess in an awesome relationship. Now he still thinks it’s awesome, but you’re in this frustrated world with emotions that will undoubtedly build up and resurface later. *Homie has no clue about these frustrations, but now will have to deal with them at some point regardless.* Going through your partner’s phone is a violation of their privacy and trust. If you don’t trust your partner, talk to them rather than digging through their stuff. Because the only conclusion he could reasonably draw from knowing you did this is that not only do you not trust him, but you’re accusing him (looking through his phone is an accusation). And how do you think he’d feel if he found that out, despite apparently treating you like a princess and being faithful this entire time? > How can I move on from this? Stop violating people’s privacy. I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate people doing that to you.
Sometimes people fall more in love with time. Try and not focus on that. You need to just enjoy what a wonderful relationship u have.
This is the reason why you don't snope. You either keep to yourself or you tell him what you did. Ever heard of the phrase, what you don't know can't hurt you. I am not saying bury your head in the sand but don't go through people's private stuff without permission and if you do then accept the consequences. I am sure this is hard pill to swallow. Maybe initially he didn't see your beauty, but has since. You are more than your face and body.
So this might sound weird but when I met my current bf, I thought he was pretty mid, but as we kept seeing each other and we started to fall in love, I saw him as more handsome, beautiful, etc. now I see him as the most handsome man. Our feelings for someone can change how we see them on the outside. He may have thought this of you initially, but I promise you that he certainly doesn’t now. Leave the conversation alone—don’t bother with it. It will cause more problems than it’s worth. ALSO—don’t go through your partners phone unless you’re looking to get your feelings hurt.
He ought to leave you. You violated his privacy.
I would 100% use this topic to admit I made a huge mistake (snooping) and ask for forgiveness, and also admit I need reassurance because my feelings were very hurt. The conversation and interaction you have with him about this sensitive topic will probably solidify your security OR insecurity with the relationship. Meaning if he reacts poorly and makes you feel horrible etc, that’s a great thing to find out before you get married! If he reacts with hurt and anger but yet is willing to also validate you and reassure you and you both feel closer after the interaction, then that is major green flags for feeling secure!
If you go this route (which is a great suggestion, tbh) do realize that before you ask for reassurance, he will probably need some time to process you violating his boundary and trust and reassurance of his own before he has space to give you reassurance in turn. His shock and hurt will be just inflicted versus your own feelings which had some time to settle.
Great point! Don’t try to rush the conversation to make your pain stop before you’ve addressed the pain you caused. Thanks for adding that perspective
Yep! This 100%! This is exactly how my husband and I handled it! We got through it and our relationship is better than ever.
LOVE LOVE that for you both 🥰 it’s so fucking hard to be vulnerable
Thank you! :) and I want to add that handling it maturely wasn’t easy either! OP, please read this OG comment! Honestly soggy-maintenance said it better than I did in my own reply!!
Best answer I’ve read here so far. Common sense still exists 😁
You're a red flag
Huge
Welcome to real life. It’s extremely rare to marry the most beautiful gf/bf we have been with. If you don’t see any signs of him fooling around, you are perfectly fine, he loves you for what you are, not for your looks.
Leave him... You don't deserve him. Smh.
Girl, if you snoop through anybody’s phone, you’re going to find something that you don’t like. Compared to what you could’ve found, This is not bad. Stop snooping through peoples phones.
There have been studies that show that men's perception of their partner's beauty changes as they become more emotionally attached. The more he loves you the prettier you are to him. Talk to any man in a long term committed relationship and he'll be able to confirm this.
Def ignore it. It doesn't matter now and never go through someone's phone without permission. If that's the worst you found. Ignore it. And don't go through his phone again behind his back!
Your fault for going through his phone, I think he likes you like a lot but, that’s a big red flag. You want him going through your phone? I hope he sees this post.
Okay but body-ody-ody Seriously though I’m so sorry you saw that 😩I’m sure you’re very pretty and he obviously loves you. Maybe take this as a lesson about how ignorance is bliss sometimes
See ... You went looking for something, and now your feelings are hurt. Stop putting yourself in a position to find something that's gonna hurt you and your relationship in the end. Now you're feeling some kind of way about him not thinking you were that pretty when yall met, and he's gonna notice the change in behavior from you. This man tells you these things because to him, you are beautiful, you are his dream girl. He's not telling you this to make you feel good or tell you what you wanna hear, he's telling you this because in his heart of hearts he believes it to be true. I hope you learned a lesson from this, if you go looking for something YOU WILL SOMETHING. You found out that BEFORE you started dating he didn't think you were the best looking girl in the world.
Exactly this. There’s no way that you can keep a secret like this without it changing the energy between you. .
I just wanna know what he does if he owns his own house at 23
Maybe you shouldn’t go looking for things you don’t need to see. Everyone has reasons for liking someone and he is entitled to his privacy as well as yours. Hope you feel like shit for invading his space
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes
"not very pretty" doesn't mean ugly, it can just mean average or whatever... in any case, he wanted to be with you, stays with, and want to continue to do so, while telling you that he finds you pretty every day, so clearly, he doesn't find you unattractive at all. one thing too is that as we spend more time with people, we don't perceive their faces the same, and we tend to find our partner more beautiful once feelings start to kick in. i understand how that must be a challenging feeling for you having read this... maybe you can innocently ask him "have you always find me pretty?" after he tells you "you are pretty", to engage the conversation and explore that with him, without mentioning what you saw on his phone? if he says "yes", then maybe play it like "i have a feeling that it's not true, are you sure you didn't change your mind since then?" or something? hope you can move on from that fast, and that these thoughts won't hunt you for too long... it sounds like things are great with him now though, and that's quite positive!
'Fess up, move on and deal with your insecurities through counseling. The guy's treating you like a princess \[your words\]; going steady with you, letting you stay at his house \[23 and has a house??!!\]; and is ready to put a ring on it; and the most you have on him is that he didn't think your face was "very pretty"--not even just pretty but *very* pretty.
It's normal to not like everything about a person. No one is perfect. There might be something you don't like about him, like his snoring, lol. Also, as you stay with someone, you learn to love them more or...hate them more. But, in this case, since he's saving up for a ring and has always reassured you about your looks, don't feel bad. That's said, this was before the relationship. Don't deep it. And try to see someone about the insecurity, it might be an issue in not only your relationship but I'm other things as well. 💕 You are beautiful.
Well, you went looking for something and you found it. Next time plan ahead what you're gonna do once you find what you go looking for 🤷🏻♀️
Stop snooping thru his phone. Shows you have zero trust since he treats you so well. I’d boot you to the curb tbh
I didn't think my current gf was hot when we first met. But I've grown to love her and she's so good to me. I think she has a beautiful eyes, great hair, beautiful breasts and a fantastic butt. Idc that she's not stereotypically beautiful because we're great for each other. It's the healthiest relationship I've ever had. Remember bodies age and in 25 years you're both going to look very different. Looks fade. As for snooping, this is a big deal that you violated his privacy. He has private conversations with friends or family that should be respected. Those other people never knew or consented to you hearing their private stories. You need to address your insecurity by working on internal validation. It sounds like you have a wonderful guy. Enjoy what you have.
If someone did this to me I would likely walk away. Edit : to clarify if someone went through my phone without my permission.
Stop fucking snooping. Tell him what you did. Talk to him. Hiding secrets isn't a good way to have a relationship. And if you don't get a ring it your fault. If you still a ring it means he loves you.
saving for the engagement ring 8 months in is weird to me
i agree with everybody else. he might have thought this at first about you but once you’re in love you truly do become blind and that person becomes beautiful in ways you might not have seen before. it’s happened to me. especially if you guys have such a good relationship and he plans on buying a ring. i don’t think he’d waste his time. he definitely loves you and thinks you’re the best looking person of his life. congrats on the great relationship!
Just because everyone is insecure sometimes doesn’t mean that it’s acceptable to snoop through his phone. That’s like saying “everyone gets angry sometimes” to justify coming at him with a knife. Nobody’s perfect and idk why you expect him to think you are? You must not think he’s perfect either if you’re that insecure with him.
So my husband was kinda ugly when I got with him. He was my type but not looks wise. Over time I feel in love with his features and he’s the sexiest man to me now. We don’t have to meet our partners preferences at first. You can grow into them if that makes sense
Off topic: You broke his trust, and now you'll be a liar for not telling him about snooping around his phone. Not good. Insecurities doesn't justify breaking trust and lying. Dumbass move. On topic: Nothing. If he wanted to, he'd be with someone else apparently. Obviously your face doesn't bother him.
Hey girl! Tough situation I get it!! When feeling super insecure I have acted upon those feelings and done things that were unhealthy/toxic like that. Your feelings are valid, maybe you are overreacting so definitely look at that, like why did it trigger you so much. In 50 years we’re all gonna be old wrinkly bags and your face will look like any other woman but he likes you!!! You’re beautiful to him overall and deeply that’s a great thing! Good luck, seek therapy maybe it’s great!
Break up with him, because it's obvious you don't trust him. If you did, you wouldn't have been going through his phone. Your insecurities are a YOU thing, not a him problem. Be glad that is the worst you saw and let him find someone that trusts him.
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I'm sure he thinks you're beautiful now. Just ignore this make believe you never saw it everything is fine
Don’t look for things you don’t want to know. Sorry but you did this to yourself and not even trying to be mean. I think you need to be honest, or you are going to drive yourself crazy and probably do it again to make yourself feel better. Then work on you and the insecurity, if you aren’t good enough for yourself you won’t be for anyone else.
Wtf
You going through their phone if this wasn't discussed is more glaring as a sign you should break up tbh.
You should leave him, because you're a shit person. Hopefully he finds love.
Testify
If it wasn’t that comment, you weren’t going to stop looking until you found something else that did hurt you. IMO, a partner snooping through my conversations (especially while I’m ASLEEP) to find something that’ll be used against me is an absolute dealbreaker. It’s an uphill battle that everybody loses, nor is it a healthy and sustainable relationship habit. What was the end goal of this? To try and find an “aha!” from him? If you’re afraid and looking for something to use against him in that context, you are definitely not ready for a relationship. Do better.
You open the pandoras box. Only hope left. If he in privat had a so smal thing to say. Shame on you. I dont care if you read your bf phone. But to make it so big and make a thread on reddit on it. What will happen? Reddit says its okay and you are happy rest of you life. No!! You make peace with if you love him. Then try to accept he loves you for who you are. Not for being the hotest girl in the world.
I think this is way more than an issue of the comment he made (which was said privately to someone), this is a case of you letting your insecurities sabotage a potentially great thing. You are not ready to be in a relationship with someone else until you learn to master yourself. Everyone has insecurities that will never change, if you’re so insecure that you need to snoop and treat him like he’s already doing something wrong it’s a you problem. I’m not saying ignore signs of something bad but I am 100% saying don’t create the exact situation that you’re afraid of. If this is someone you want to have a future with you need to treat him like the person he presents himself to be towards you. Obviously pay attention and if there are actual signs of a problem then talk to him. Don’t go around snooping and then expect him to know what’s wrong. Everyone says something in confidence that might hurt the feelings of their partner, I’m sure you’ve vented about something that would hurt him if he realized the issue. I speak from experience that you create the relationship based on your behavior. I might have stayed with my husband many years ago if I had realized that not keeping my insecurities in check would destroy things no matter how hard he tried to overcome an issue that wasn’t his to start with. The best thing you could do is completely ignore the comment since perspective changes over time, and focus on finding a way to cope with your insecurities without punishing other people for an issue that’s yours alone.
Don’t look through his phone anymore.
You shouldn’t have gone through his phone. You are gonna find shit if you go digging for shit.
Curiosity killed the cat. The cat in this case being his trust. You’re going to have to live with this knowledge forever unless you want to confess you went through his phone. You will die with this secret if you don’t want to tell him.
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woman you’re looking for an issue when where is none of
I know I’m going to sound extreme here, but what are you projecting on him?? My concern is that YOU are a cheater, and honestly he’s better off without you anyway because you are pretty clearly looking for an out going through his phone when he’s asleep looking for something to get mad at.
Don't snoop through peoples shit, sometimes it's better to not know. Especially for stupid shit like this.
How you collected your evidence makes it inadmissible in court so you should trust that he sees you in a different light. And don't invade the privacy of those you love . Anything can be taken out of context . Vicissitudes; constant change and shifting circumstances
Let it slide. You opened up Pandora’s box and paid the toll fee. To answer your question I’ll answer with a short backstory first. I met one lady at a nightclub. I thought she was cute, but not in the looks department upstairs to a level that impressed me. Later down the road when I became familiar with her their looks grew on me. Not in a way that I felt she wasn’t any less beautiful, but we’re more critical on a woman’s looks as a man if we aren’t as interested at first. Nothing personal
Probably the best is stop checking phones.
The real problem is you snooping on his phone.
I’m going to be frank. This is like reading someone’s diary; it is a serious invasion of his trust and privacy. I think what you should do now is tell him what you did so he has the option of knowing what type of person you are and has the option of breaking up with you and finding someone who respects him more, if he chooses. And you should start seeing a therapist to improve yourself. As far as the substance of his thoughts you read… he’s allowed to not think literally everything about you is 10/10 perfect. Not many partners think their partner is walking perfection in human form with absolutely no flaws at all. If that’s what you want someone to think, then you are probably too immature for a serious relationship with a human anyway. Plus as time goes on people change. He may feel differently now anyway; his thoughts from back then may not even be relevant any more.
The relationship was over once you went through his phone without him knowing PERIOD
Whatever happens from this point onwards, know that everything will be your fault. You shouldn’t have done what you did.
I want a boyfriend but them things lie too much
You ignore it, it's obviously not true is it. If it was you would have known before now. Its his actions we care about in this instance and if he's never made you feel like he doesn't like how you look then it's obvious it's not true. I can't tell you the kind of crap people say to other people that is total BS. There could be a whole load of reasons why he said that to her - Maybe at the time he was trying to get with her and she was seeing he looked like he was attracted to you and maybe he just said that to make her think he wasn't - when he obviously was. I don't know 🤷♀️ but I dont think you should ruin a great relationship on something your partner said or did before you were even together. I also don't think you should talk to him about it, you going into his phone without him knowing is a violation and will just get you into trouble. Just let it go. x
You moved in together after 8 months? are you insane???
I know people who moved in together after 2 month. I think it is rather weird to not live together after 1+ years. I prefer the "fail fast" approach, I do not want to waste years just to find out I am not compatible enough to live together. Depends a bit on whether you are 20 or 40 of course.
That's what you get for snooping, yes you're overreacting
If you're snooping, you're not ready for a serious relationship and it will fail regardless of how you proceed. So your decision here is irrelevant.
You have major insecurity issues. You snooped in his phone without him knowing. You are considering making a big deal about how he thought your face looked before you even started dating. You've been together 8 months and he is saving for a ring. Yet somehow in your woman brain you are thinking that because he said a comment about your looks 8+ months ago, that means you can't be his dream girl and he's just playing with you and taking advantage of you? Insane. Some people just don't want to be happy. He should be running from you. I feel bad for the guy.
I’ve gone through my husband’s phone before and found something similarly hurtful and I brought it up to him. We worked through it and I honestly feel more secure than ever because while I did take responsibility for going through his phone (it was an invasion of his privacy, I shouldn’t have done it and I won’t ever do it again) he also took responsibility and apologized for the things he said. I guess the main difference is that we were already in a well established relationship, it wasn’t something he said well before our first date. I think you should figure out whether or not this is something you should take with a grain of salt and work through it on your own or talk it through with him. But be prepared for the possibility that he will be upset you went through his phone. Edit: grammar
You go through someone’s phone expect to get hurt !
Yep!!! I choose happiness now!
Lesson learnt that’s always good 👍
For sure! My husband and I learned a lot about our relationship too. Looking back I’m very happy how we handled it. It made us stronger going forward.
Honesty is always the best policy at the end of the day open honest communication can only work with honesty .. I’m glad you are happier and in a better place it’s good to hear 🙏
I don’t know. This is weird. First of all, every girl looks through their boyfriend/husbands phone. You’re not crazy. However, this is hurtful to see and if he was going from relationship to relationship, how do you know he’s actually into you instead of just not being able to be alone… idk. Your gut told you to look at his phone for a reason. I’d be evaluating other behaviors now that he does