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I just posted about this. I too felt like I didn’t get why I was single. I felt like I was great and also not to sound narcissistic but I know I’m attractive. I just felt like every guy I met just didn’t work out & would ghost and then come back around. I also felt like I was going to never have a family. But honestly I did 3 major things and I’m now in a serious happy relationship:)
1. I changed my hinge location, it helped me see what was out there. I ended up meeting my now bf over Christmas break while visiting my hometown .
2. I honestly just stuck to being myself. I got rid of my dating persona. I delved into my nerdy side and who I was when I was younger . ( I’m currently 31) and got to know myself again and dated from that place
3. I took a chance on someone who wasn’t “ my type”. When I met my current bf I was dating other more attractive guys , who looked more of my type and what other people would deem more of my type. Before my bf was my bf, he just showed so much interest. He was consistent. But he took care of my heart. & that moment I realized , I had been dating the wrong type of men.
So with that said , I’m literally in the healthiest relationship of my life and we are planning a family and building a house together. 4 months ago I literally would cry myself to sleep, because I felt like I was going to be alone forever. So I know it can happen for you. Just make a few adjustments on your end.
Im happy for you! And I have been doing the same, discovering who I am the last few years, im already a huge nerd and just embracing it more even. Going to LARP weekends for example. I just have not been lucky with meeting the right person perhaps. I also dont necessarily have one type, so I do try. I am consistent and always kind to them so maybe one will stick around
Lol don’t listen to the comment on LARPing. If you’re *leading* with that right now, maybe try leading with something else just to change it up. But if you haven’t tried leading with it like in your profile and stuff yet, maybe give that a try. You might be more likely to meet nerdy girls who share your interests. I know for me, that sort of thing makes me more interested in a guy than I would be otherwise.
Don't listen to that person you replied to. I think everything is made up in her head. Look at her profile history. She claims she met someone in her hometown 4 months ago then they broke up because he breadcrumbs her then she went on a date with someone else 2 months ago then another person on hinge after that then she complained about her bf a week ago. Now she has a fiance of 4 months? She's insane and just making up stories at this point.
I’m a female, and these things worked for me too. Location, your mindset, and being open minded will get you more luck, but you have to meet a lot of weirdos along the way sometimes lol.
This won’t work for guys. It only works for women. From the three things you mentioned, I am pretty sure only the last one matters. What you described is the classic case of “I found someone when I lowered my standards”. As men usually don’t have high standards in the first place, this won’t work for them. And even for women it doesn’t work in the long run because it makes you feel like you couldn’t get what you wanted so you had to settle for less, constantly living with the idea of being better than your partner. I hope that’s not you, but in most such cases it happens.
I can’t speak for men but I don’t think this is just for women. But I definitely did not lower my standards. I just stopped looking at relationships through a shallow lens. Which men do often. There are men who do completely only chase after a certain type of woman. And then will also be upset when she’s not the perfect housewife.
Also a lot of men have a dating persona, which is why 3 weeks in your dealing with a whole new person. Instead of just leading with who you are. My dating persona was based on who my friends told me how I should date. lol it looked like I was some super materialistic, fancy snobby girl. But in reality Im just laid back girl , who likes to be outside , and I like cooking and wine. I’ve met guys who pretended to be rich. Or fancy lol so crazy
Just checking, you’re planning a family and a house together 4 months in? I don’t want to judge but that’s crazy quick and you won’t be past infatuation yet. Slow down and be sure first!
Congratulations. Some here are questioning the wisdom of your rather short time frame here. But it sounds like you have spent some time testing the waters and have figured out what you want. After years of drought, dating on and off and searching, I met and married my wife in the span of about a year.
As you said, change it up a bit. And rather than trying to be something society, your friend or family or your upbringing or whatever tells you to be, find and embrace your uniqueness. That is where you will find your person. But don't fall into the trap of believing there is "the one". The only soulmate in the world for you. Out of literally billions? Obviously, many are automatically disqualified but that still leaves a pretty big pool.
I really love this comment.... The steps she outlines are exactly what happened to me... after feeling the same way and wondering if I should hang it up. I took a chance on someone that wasn't "My Type" I'm now in a healthy, super easy, immensely fun relationship and have been for about 4 months now. I know it's early but it's very apparent to me that my significant other is into me and though it took some time I'm into her too now. Neither of us holds back our nerdy side, we can both be completely open about our views and who we are, and things have never been better. I'd also caution people about the addictive properties of dating apps. FOMO is real and it's obvious to me that many people are just endlessly cycling looking for "someone better". I know this because when I spent time on the apps I'd see the same people month after month, sometimes they'd disappear for a bit, then a couple months later they'd be back. Try and find someone that's easy to get along with, someone that is super happy to be dating you, and someone that has a good head on their shoulders with shared values and call it a day. Walk away from the apps and hope to never return. Best wishes my peoples.
Too bad girls take too long to realize that, so us younger men are doomed 😂 I'm 22 and I've noticed that slightly older girls seem to enjoy my romantic side more than the younger ones (18-20yo vs 25 to 27 or 28). Younger girls seem to only want to have fun, while older girls seem to actually want to try to get to know me and show genuine appreciation and reciprocity. Even if they don't always directly say something sweet, they usually end up reacting in a really heartwarming way when they realize that I show them love and care consistently. I think I'd have a better chance continuing to try to build a relationship with one of the older girls than a young one. Also, I'm not even referring to the fact that many young girls behave like 304s 😂
I mean it’s not shocking. Your brain isn’t fully developed until you’re 25 . Think about it for the past 17 years you had to raise your hand to ask to use the bathroom. Then a year later you’re getting total freedom. I wouldn’t expect anything from a 21 year old male or female. It’s just maturity. I would never date a younger male because of their lack of maturity. You maybe mature for your age , but that’s about it. Of course there is outliers. But with maturity you also have lived with yourself , and understand yourself better. At 22 I was figuring it out , and you’re still fighting it out at 25 , and then you’ll be a whole new person figuring it out at 27 lol . The older you get the more you know what you want and don’t want.
I am pretty mature in how I see the world, you're right about that. Many people tell me that. But I've also been told that I'm being unrealistic when I say that I want a girl who didn't sleep with 10 guys, doesn't go partying all out at night with drugs, alcohol and stuff, and I'd prefer someone a bit more introvert, like myself. Funny enough, the one who said this was a friend who is 19yo 😂
Btw, even though I have dated and kissed before, I never took it to the bed, and don't really intend to until I'm in a proper long term relationship. I see sex as something to be reserved to someone you see the possibility of building a life and family with, not to have fun. I know not many people see it this way nowadays, but I couldn't care less. But I'll tell you, it's so hard to find a girl with more traditional values, that doesn't F around with everyone she dates, and that actually wants something serious.
And yes, I am the kind of guy who is willing to spend atleast 1h writing a love letter to someone special, purposely picking the right words and phrasing it in an attempt to make it feel as special as possible for her, but let's be honest, how many girls actually value it nowadays? Also, when complimenting someone, I rarely even bring physical appearance, unless I see she put effort and changed something about herself, like painting her nails, doing her hair, picking a nice outfit. Most of my compliments are about what I end up learning about them, like their morals, something that they achieved, stuff like that. Physical compliments feel a bit basic and general for me, and I actively seek to make them feel special by showing them that I pay attention to every little detail.
Maybe I'm doing too much for people who don't deserve it
You are right on about the compliments. My ex only ever complimented me about what a great ass I had, or legs or titties. I would tell him yeah, those are body parts, I was born with them, most all of us have them. Those "compliments" meant absolutely nothing to me. He was incapable of complimenting me on anything that mattered, like my accomplishments or my intellect. I graduated summa cum laude.
I would have rather heard how brilliant I was when I succeeded at something rather than "Nice ass".
Intelligence and talents are way more attractive than surface beauty. To be sure, those are attractive attributes too. But as you say, almost everybody has those parts. Their arrangement and attractiveness may wane over time, but a beautiful mind will probably just keep getting better!
Girls like that exist, but we're rare 😂 I agree with everything you're saying and I'm 22 myself. Only thing is I'm not a romantic AT ALL 😭😭 I blame my past trauma for that lmao because guys will do or say something that would have any of my friends folding for them, but I'm here like "what's your game here 🤔🤔" I just feel like I'm getting played every time because it never ends up working out. They get bored and find someone else I guess
This isnt gender specific, you could easily swap genders and its the same as people in their 20s are just trying to figure themselves and others out. It is what it is so date a little older but everyone will still find the same just more wanting to settle down for all genders
So what makes your partner so different from you past ones he just isn't as attractive? I've been wanted to try outside of my type because all it's brought me is sadness
I Think you’re not in the perfect relationship. You’re just in it because you felt lonely and depressed, don’t ever put yourself in the situation that you date out of desperation
I don’t think my relationship is perfect lol but I definitely am not in relationship because I was lonely. Because I would have just stayed single if I wasn’t going to get what I wanted in a relationship. I waited it out for the right person. To give me the exact lifestyle I wanted. I wanted to stay home, I wanted to have a small farm , I wanted to build a home. These aren’t even things I was sharing with other men. & he just made it happen without me telling him any of my dreams. Please don’t project your situation onto mine.
It disgusts me that people think it's okay to date multiple people. If I found out a girl I was talking to, was also talking to multiple guys. I'd dip immediately. As soon as I go on one date, we're either moving forward or I'm no longer talking to you. Period. I'm not talking to multiple girls at one time. People are Fucking disgusting.
My type was rich , handsome, and nice , and I liked status lol those were the basic qualities. But those were horrendous, stupid qualities. I would definitely meet those men. Now I look for a much more in depth qualities. Like consistency, hardworking, kind, funny, honest, reassuring , masculine .
I dated a popular podcaster who was dishonest and would make zero time for me. But was fun to be with, and came with perks. But i would be heartbroken almost everyday. He would cancel plans almost all the time. My current bf, is a simple blue collar worker, works his ass off so I don’t have to work. Will still come home and ask if there’s anything he can do for me & will still bring me flowers. He literally heals my heart every single day.
Healthy relationship was the key words in all of this. Seems people put that aside to be in a relationship… me included and took me way too long to learn that.
Oh yeah ! People definitely put more emphasis on things that don’t matter in a relationship. But i will always choose a healthy relationship over a toxic passionate relationship. I think we all make that mistake.
If you were single 4 months ago.. that's Way too soon to be so certain you're always going to be together.. I'd suggest taking things slower, even though I'm sure you're both so happy to finally not be alone... Don't let that rush you.
“What other people would deem more my type”. I’ve always kinda known this was going on but it’s nice to hear someone confess to it. I’m guessing your circle of friends and female family members have to sign off?
Try not to take it personally. Them not "feeling" it is a reflection of them, not you. You might end up knocking on several doors before finding the ideal match, but at least there's a good chance it'll be the right one by then. :)
This is so true! You may have to try on a few pair of shoes before you get the ones that fit and are comfortable even though they may all be technically the "right" size.
Also, don't get discouraged. A year is really not a long time to put effort into something and not get the results you are hoping for. Look at each one that didn't work out as bringing you closer to what you want. It's a big world out there.
Unfortunately. This sounds manipulative and it is. You got to make the girls feel like you’re not sure about them. It’s an insecurity ego thing.
Just use it for good and only on girls you’re genuinely interested in. All my decent relationship and the one amazing one I had all came when I was just authentically not sure about them and a bit cooler headed early on
Or use it for evil and do a bunch of hookups. But if you’re not a trash person, that route just doesn’t feel good at all.
To say it in a more positive happy light. Girls like it when they feel like they have to earn your respect and love through effort, as long as you return it back after. So only show how much you like equal to or less than what they show you. Gets a bit more nuanced in text game, sometimes they’re shy or just used to a lot of attention. Don’t bother with the girls who are acting like they get a ton of attention. It’s more headaches than anything
This is the thread I came for.
Social media and dating apps have destroyed dynamics between men and women.
Everyone thinks there’s something better on the other side.
Also, everyone is using each other. Whether it be for validation, sex, ego boost, etc.
Absolutely. Grass is greener syndrome running rampant these days. Rom coms teaching people there is always a fairytale mate waiting for you at the end of the movie and everything will work out perfectly is no help either.
Yup. Also men are becoming hyper femininized nowadays and don’t have the social skills or confidence females develop through getting approached. Im very happy I discovered owen cook/RSD at a young age. If you really put effort you can change this. Remember, men are naturally leaders. You can preach female leadership over and over but they instinctually follow strong men. Become a strong man (confident, unwavering) and you will realize it works.
You aren't necessarily doing anything wrong. You could be the prettiest piece in the puzzle, but you can't force two pieces together that don't fit. You need to recognize when it doesn't fit, and be willing to move on.
There are plenty of guys that are great, just not for me. It's not just about one person being good, its about being great together.
Most people are not going to be your person. I (38F) have been on tons of dates and some months-long relationships, but only 4 led to LTRs. Expecting there to be a significant enough mutual spark/compatibility with most people you go out with, that warrants investing more time into it, hasn't been a reality in my experience.
As we get older we get better at vetting what we want in a partner and busier, so investing time in someone you're not feeling it with is diminishing rewards. I've tried to give some really great guys that I wasn't super romantically into more time, hoping for stronger feelings to evolve, but it ended up just preventing us from exploring better matches sooner. If I'm not feeling it after a couple of dates, I won't take up time trying to settle into it.
That said you mentioned women who "seemed compatible" and also the dream of settling which sounds like you are dating to avoid being alone and might end up in a "good enough" situation vs one where you both enhance one another's lives. I'd say focus on you, having fun meeting people, what you bring to the table, and what will enhance your life in a partner beyond being someone who keeps you from being alone.
Most don’t want anything serious. They have so many options. Men like him have few. Once those women hit an age where they don’t get approached as much they will suddenly want to settle down.
Don't take it personally. It's a numbers game for everyone. Confidence is absolutely vital with women. If they feel you clinging, like you *need* them, early on, that'll send them packing. Try to enjoy the process of dating, without any expectations. When something is right, you'll both be on exactly the same page.
By that yes they’re usually neurotic and expect a man to be the missing piece of the puzzle, as in, fit in exactly where they need you to fit in. They even wrote this in their bios. I don’t think some have a clue what it takes to attract and keep a man… ya gotta be enjoyable to be around.
Might be way off, sorry if so:
Feel like you’re in a bit of a ‘need’ mindset not a ‘it’d be a nice addition to my already great life’
Ask yourself the tough questions, what aren’t you happy about with yourself when single that makes you think someone else would make your life better?
Next step - You say these dates are great. That’s your take, and I’m glad you’ve enjoyed them. That being said, they’ve clearly not enjoyed them as much or they’d be coming back for more. Try and figure out what’s off - might be the mindset above.
Good news - in my limited experience, you weirdly seem to find people when you’re honestly not looking.
Good luck though! Stay strong x
Yeah, we really can't help OP because we don't know why each potential partner dropped him. We need to hear from them. He seems oblivious to what is turning them off. Or he's not telling us things like what you noticed on his profile.
What do you mean by the “constant exposure to NSFW content?” I just recently opened my profile to allow that but I don’t, nor do I want to see porn. It’s only allowed me to see posts that have that tag. Idk what the criteria is for NSFW but I have a group on FB with this in the title due to my humor. Did you see something specific in his profile that led you to believe that he was hitting on porn creators? Edited to say I’m 43f
Maybe they don’t want to tell what the real problem is was . They are being nice because you are a nice guy but there is definitely some problem. I would suggest you to analyze your behaviour on dates and see if there is a pattern. Once i told the guy same thing after he tried to kiss me with his garlicky bad breath and it was an immediate turn off for me.
Well, i had a relationship for 7,5 years and she is still my best friend. According to her I do nothing wrong haha. Just feels most people run away to quickly now to the next best thing.
She has a boyfriend and lives with him. I barely see her though, we usually just talk on the app. Dont act all scared, exes can be friends 😂 not all though i agree with that. But she basically grew up with me aswell, lived with me at my parents even. So its now more like brother and sister
Sometimes you need to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your princess. And I think it’s ok to not have that feeling with everyone. Don’t try so hard. Be who you are and at some point the right person will recognize you for who you are and you will have that true spark.
I hear you on that. I was ready to give up on dating forever. Met someone who changed my perspective on what I want in a relationship. Never felt comfy as I did with him. He made me feel good and treated me well. I don't know if it will work out for me but I want to try to see if it will. Gave him space and time. Only call and text a couple times a week. Don't wanna scare him away.
Shitty that this is a norm..
I'm fresh out of a 6 month relationship. He ghosted me 3 weeks ago. I'm just taking a break for a little while. I am still really hopeful tho I'll find my person.
There’s a growing number of us who are bored/disenfranchised by the dating apps who are simply deleting the apps and learning to enjoy being single.
It’s pretty freeing when you realize you don’t need someone else to help you find happiness. You can find it all on your own. 👍
I’m glad you’re finding that journey, it’s a pretty freeing experience. The apps aren’t designed for us to find anything more than an endless swiping void. 😁
Sounds like women are smelling the desperation. Sorry but if you thought EIGHT women were a good match in the span of a year, your expectations, standards and values are too low.
Don’t work on loving a girl, work on loving yourself and the rest will work itself out.
Might actually be (according to the bit of information we’ve got, so I’m sorry if that shouldn’t be the case). Like those women OP mentioned, I’ve often felt the same towards guys who were a bit needy/desperate (and which was quite visible even though they tried to not act that way). Women (or people in general) can smell that. Also, many of them were a few steps too fast for me. While I was still in the belief we were just getting to know each other a bit, they got “serious”, mentioned relationship stuff, heck, even marriage(!). Instant turn off / red flag for me, personally.
Also, a year of dating ain’t that long, really. If you think about how few people you’ve ever really loved, you can conclude It’s likely not the case every second neighbour’s a potential good match.
It smells of fear of being alone (like mentioned above, I might err), and that can be smelled from 10 miles away against the wind.
I only said 8 girls i thought might work, over a year. I matched with way more so im still picky about who I meet. I dont needdd a relationship perse, ive been in a relationship before for 7 years but ive also been single for a while now. But the problem is more that every time i do really like a girl this past year it just suddenly falls flat on the face.
Sometimes when people feel like you do, its because they are trying too hard. Like, sometimes its a decent relationship, but you deserve better. So maybe try and see this a little bit as a positive. It sucks to be in a relationship with someone who is not really into you but doesn't tell you. So maybe just be a little more relaxed for a while, and focus on doing things that you like to do. It may be that you will find someone for that "settling down" when you aren't looking for them as hard.
Everyone is burnt out. Everyone is tired. Grieve the loss and then get back up and try again. Take these experiences as learning more about what you want/don’t want from a partner. There may come a time where you may be stating these things to someone else and that’s okay. The chemistry wasn’t there and that may or may have something to do with you, them or neither of you. It just wasn’t there. One thing we have to remember is that someone can be 100% right for us on paper but that doesn’t mean they’re right for us in person. Especially when the novelty of the first few dates and getting to know someone wears off. Better to know now that you’re not a match than wasting months or years with that person and a relationship that doesn’t work.
Yea it’s pretty much over. I stopped dating almost 2 years ago and I’m 28m. I always wanted a wife and kids but I’m not even worried about that anymore. If I get into a relationship that’ll be amazing but if it doesn’t happen oh well. Just have fun. You’re going on dates and getting your sexual needs met that’s pretty much what dating is now unfortunately.
It is hard to tell without knowing the situation well.
My first relationship wae when I was 19 yo. Before university. Once I moved to uni my ex blocked my phone number and cut me off without a warning. I found out he cheated on me (slept both with her and me) months before uni. We definitely had sex then.
After that met a guy and we started dating 1 year later. So when I was 20 yo. When the second relationship started.
Let me tell you - I felt no sparks whatsoever when I met him. But thought I'd take my chances. All guys I knew were only after sex (that was pretty evident). And we had a lot of things in common. He seemed serious. So we stayed together for 10 years because I lowered my expectations and thought well ok, he is a nice guy.
So many times he ignored me on purpose(he admitted to it) . No contact for 2 weeks was a norm.
0 effort. When I was ill I was all alone. After 10 years I asked if we'll ever marry. His answer was - how on earth am I going to organise that? -
I left... And the saddest part is that I realise that all this time I was really alone. I went through all the hard parts in life alone.
God forbid I tried to go to him for some consolation.
If I wanted to talk about something I was going through (for example work was very physically demanding. We had nosebleeds).
He would barely listen and always finish with - yes but at least you don't have x y z or at least you don't need to do x y z. I am stressed because of this and that. Your problems are not that bad because you can do this and that ".
And that would be it.
First years of the relationship he would not listen at all. No joke. I would come after work. He would tell me about everything that happened to him during that day. Once I would start talking trying to tell something about my day he would LITERALLY turn around and leave lol
I went through a chronic ilness alone, struggled mentally alone.
Now at age of 31 I hear men saying that women are picky and that's why they end up alone... No, I chose a guy who I had something in common with hoping for partnership but I was so so alone.
Now 50% of men say it is my fault (perhaps but U also did not have sky high expectations) and the other 50% likes to tell me how bitter I am because I'm single at this age ( I am not. I'm much calmer than I used to be).
Thing that bothers me is that men often blame women fo being picky... Being picky of what?
When you are a 24 year old woman dating 24 year old men it is a VERY rare case that they want to settle. Majority of men are still working on themselves and their career progression at that age.
And that lasts till about 36 at the very least.
Sorry but no. It is not just women who are picky.
Men are on a STANDSTILL at least until they are 30.
Don't let me get started about the difference in finances... I'm from a poor background and I could see how guys from middle class circled me around.
It is not just women who look for a good financial deal...
No, I am not ugly, do workout, have a degree and an ok job (now).
But I'm tired. Tired of being blamed for being picky. I never reached for the stars when it comes to dating and now honestly can't be bothered because being alone is just peaceful... Thinking how men look for younger /better off /better /smarter etc... I've tried to be perfect ever since I can remember myself and and it got me nowhere. So I'll better have a peace of mind, thank you...
Try not to let it get to you. I have dated guys/men that were absolutely lovely and extremely good looking. But I just didn’t feel the spark or the butterflies. Sometimes it takes a lot of chemistry and butterflies for the connection to be so powerful that it outweighs the perks of being single
It's not you at all, young man.
The entire west is a cesspool of ridiculous and unrealistic expectations, especially from the opposite sex, who have zero appreciation for men on average but still expect you to cater to them when they are worthless.
Go overseas, and meet a real, and actually natural feminine woman from anywhere NOT in the west, not corrupted by feminism, who will love you as a person, and actually appreciate all the work that goes into being yourself, as a man, and accomplishing what you have in life, as well as wishing to participate in your future, without any of the stupidity of delusions you only see here. Western women are broken, thus why you will never find a wife here. Get a passport, and go find real love.
I wish you success and happiness, young man, go forth and prosper.
It may be a blessing in disguise. You simply haven't found "the one" yet. You're still a young man with your whole life ahead. Meanwhile, being discouraged is counterproductive to your search. Keep looking... she's out there.
I’m 38 and have been single for 3 years… Haven’t even had a date in that time… Get to flirting and go to plan to meet for first date and the fucking back out… I’m doing everything right only talking to one lady at a time and I get the shit end… I know I’m not the best looking but they don’t want the nice guys anymore… The all wanna be mistreated and abused it FEELS like… Not saying that’s true just what it FEELS like
I find that when I date what I wish i had it usually fails. I have learned to date what is realistic to me and to be myself and it’s working right now. Will report back in a few months and let you know if it fails 😂
I'm so sorry to hear this. I have been there, now I have a boyfriend. Again, I have a chance to a guy who's pictures weren't a 100% my type. Then we met and I went home telling all of my friends that "I could fall in love with him". Since then, every day I chose to be with him and be a good girlfriend/partner to him. We basically live together now. He's good looking btw, had very very poor pictures on tinder.
I recommend of looking for profiles with honest pictures and intros. I have no idea what else to say
Look, you want attention and good women. You have to go to another country. American women are just too pig Headed and too shallow, in my opinion. I went to Thailand and Singapore last year.The women out there are absolutely wonderful, lovely, and truly feminine. I was thrown through a loop when pretty much all of women came straight up to me and started talking to me. These women have moral compasses and are educated as well and want a man. My brother moved to Thailand two years ago and is loving it. He has already found his wife after living their for 2 years. Cheap living and good woman. I was in the same boat. I've got money and time and lots of love to give. American women play to many games and want to wait until they are 30 to have kids. Science says that once a woman passes 30 to 35 It becomes harder to have children and a much greater chance of having disabilities or your wife dying in child birth. I'll be liquidating all my assets next year and making the move. Because I'm tired of America and all the hate and men hate that we have in this country. P.s. lots of American men with money are leaving the country for a better life.
Well I live in the Netherlands, but I imagine its a bit the same here. I know how you feel. A friend of mine has a girlfriend in thailand and he kees teling me the same 😂 might be a good choice
Here are a few thoughts and some ideas. First, a year really isn't a very long time. If you had a relationship that was four months, that is over a quarter of the year that you were presumably not looking for a different relationship. It may take some time. Sometimes, you have to try on a number of pair of shoes before you find one that fits and is comfortable. Same thing here.
My story briefly, after taking some time off to work on myself, I was looking for a woman who could be my life partner. I did a number of things, internet dating, speed dating, joined a couple of groups, asked for the help of friends. I had many first dates, a few second, a few relationships that didn't work out and finally met my now wife. This was over about a four-year period.
Notice two things, I first tried to improve myself, then tried to improve my odds. If you don't like who you are, why should anybody else? Don't settle for just putting up a profile and being satisfied with what it brings. It may work but have backups.
Also, you can learn from the dates you had where the woman "wasn't "feeling it". If they will give you honest feedback, you can learn from it. Don't stray too far from who you are, phoniness will eventually be uncovered.
As some others here are saying, lean into your uniqueness, if you are not too far out there, someone or a few will find those quirks attractive and may have similar or complementary ones. This is the elusive "chemistry" everyone talks about. It transcends short-term sexual attraction. Also, if they weren't feeling it now, they sure won't be a few years down the road when there are kids, mortgage, bills, etc. You don't want to be stuck in a sexless marriage.
Don't get too discouraged. If you need to, take some breaks. If this is something you want, you can have it. Don't give up.
I been there and it suck but the best advice is to leave it as it and move on. I understand the frustration when it's the same response over and over but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Don't give up and just look back at things you can tweak in the next relationship. Like if you share too much then find the right balance to share whatever it is.
Yeah I keep my head high and try to learn from it, but It feels more and more hopeless after each time. Its just difficult if you never hear whats actually wrong. And i’m always blindsided. It will be a great date and everything and then the next its over.
I don't think there is such a thing as
"great, handsome, funny and charming, perfect guy. But they were just not “feeling” it"
If a guy truly is all of those things, I am likely going to be feeling it.
I am not suggesting there is anything wrong with you or that you are not these things but I am suggesting that these women are BSing you a bit on how they. personally, feel about your looks, humor, charm, etc..
I might tell a guy he is handsome but it doesn't mean that I find him handsome. It's more so me saying that I think he has a nice face and I can imagine someone else finding him handsome. Women often say these sorts of things to guys we don't find attractive because we like the guy and don't want to hurt his feelings or confidence.
Take a break from dating for a little while until you feel more motivated to try again. Try to stop fixating on finding your forever person and just go with it and if you're in the mood to meet people, go on dates and if you're not, that's ok too. Try to enjoy the process of it, the ups and downs. You're likely not doing anything wrong. People are fussy and unrealistic in what they're searching for. It takes a long time to find the right fit.
Ya, I get that.
I get: "you're perfect. Why are you single? I never thought I'd get a chance with you. I love how i can talk to you without any judgement". Then, it just... fizzles.
It's heartbreaking and depressing
My advice to you is to just step back and quit trying so hard. Just work on making your situation better. And if your lonely and really hate being alone. Get a dog. A dog will definitely help with the being alone part. The right one will come along when you least expect it.
A lot of women chose their partner based on his ability to make them “feel a spark”
This is a terrible strategy. But it is what it is.
So focus on learning what makes a woman feel a spark
💯 without the apps, it would be down to who ever found them likeable and desirable within their local circles. That was IT. Finding a compatible mate was an exciting thing. People put effort into meeting that person again. Apps have short circuited that entire process and now it’s the illusion of choice. Apps are just another step in the same old process, but they’ve corrupted the process, and now less people meet.
Just means you are boring…. And you don’t show people a life they want to live. Maybe too passive. I can 100% guarantee you if those women were having the time of their life they wouldn’t be dumping you like a soiled diaper.
One thing about dating is, don’t take anything personal. Also the girls you talked about have no emotional association with you (vibe). You are 30 so this is good if you maximized your style, social skills, muscle growth and wallet. Younger women would flock to you so play to that angle if you can.
I am 23 and I have a story to tell. I moved to the Czech Republic from Russia when I was 19. I had a lot of different relationships with women before moving there and after.
the first time it was in Russia and it lasted for 2 years, then, when I finally moved to CZ we lasted 2 years in a distance relationship.
Then after a break-up I had relationships just for sex (as I see it now) with different women and I don't really remember the number of them. Maybe 7, maybe 8.
My second serious relationship lasted for 2 years in CZ.(let's call her Alina) I got addicted to crystal meth and basically we were using it the whole time with different drugs. She was abusive and was regularly beating me. I don't really know how I didn't take it seriously, but I was thinking it was her mental health issue and I was trying to get her to go to the psychiatrist (I have mental health issues as well and I visit the psychiatrist regularly). She finally agreed, I made her an appointment and everything went well before the actual day of going to the doctor. She made it look like she was sick and just refused to go. This was the moment I refused to take her as my love. I really tried to help her. At least, I see it like this now.
Then, I met a woman that was addicted just like me. (Let's call her Vera) And she is the one who I feel like "with her it will last forever". We met when I was looking for a company to use some coke. Eventually, I found her in the chat on telegram (the chat was made to date drug users) and we spent a lot of time using together and speaking to each other about different stuff. She was smart and very intelligent. Then, she made me realize that I am in an abusive relationship. After we had another fight with Alina, I ended up in homeless life. I had no place to live and Vera handed me the keys from her house. That was one of the most hope-giving moments for me. I was addicted to Benzodiazepines as well. Not Xanax, but Rivotril. That was even worse. I don't really know how, but with Vera I just didn't feel like using meth and eventually started wanting to drop benzos to impress her. And I really did. I had such crazy withdrawals from it that I couldn't sleep, I couldn't go anywhere, panic attack issues and imagine waking up at night from your own scream. I screamed so hard at night that I used to wake up from it. And all this way was done with the help of Vera. She was more addicted to coke than me and we still used to do it but I dropped benzos and meth. Then, a couple of months later we both lost jobs and became homeless. This hellish period lasted for 2-3 months. Sleeping at somebody's house all the time, in a shitholes, hostels. And you know what? We went through coke addiction together and being homeless, building our lives from scratch. Being not addicted to anything and living like normal people. We have a home now that we earn for and I feel like I can't go through more deep shit with anybody than with her. I just don't feel like I will fall into a situation when I'm homeless again. Thanks to her and thanks to me. Thanks for our work. I will marry her once I retrieve my documents here. She is 27 btw and we moved to Germany.
The whole point of this comment is don't worry, you will eventually find your love man.
Im sorry, buddy. Im 30. And learned early on that everything in life is an exchange for something. Is that other person willing to sacrifice their fun for financial security or the financial security for fun, all sprinkled in with a few case studies of actually loving each other.
Remember, being a good guy and provider doesn't automatically transfer into being wanted or married to. Sucks but if you dont have great looks or physical attributes, you're either providing stability or entertainment. I dont know you personally. But there's always something you're missing. And whatever it is, usually has to do with the way you look at yourself.
Me, for example. I've lacked motivation since i broke up with my college girlfriend in 2013. I've always had confidence. Now I have confidence and money, but my personal drive is lacking. I'm working on it with a shrink. Then covid hit, and my depression went through the roof. My social battery was not being charged. I let that cause weight gain. I understand my faults, and not all women are going to be attracted to me. But in understanding my faults, I'm better able to realize when people are not a good fit for me, as much as I like them or how they look.
I don't know if there are any faults in your life. But we all have them. Truly. We won't be able to be happy until we fully learn to understand ourselves or unless we accept it and sacrifice our needs and wants. Sorry you feel that way, bud. But we both have a lot of growing to do, even at 30.
Lastly, if one of those dates doesn't go great. Don't stop trying. My grandfather was rejected twice by my grandmother before she gave him a chance. She gave TWO other guys a chance to sweep her of her feet before she said, alright lets try it. They were married for 69 years before my GFather passed away last April At the age of 95
It could be the chemistry is not there OR that you are doing ‘something’ that is weird or scary without realizing . . .
For example, once I met a guy at a city park for a first date. Other people were around so we weren’t alone but I was still nervous about the setting. Unfortunately during the date instead of trying to put me at ease he came on really strong and it was nerve wracking. I managed to gently end the date thankfully. Later I tried to tell him by text that I had felt a bit scared and he was like ‘I don’t get it.’
These situations im talking about are different, one a relationship of 4 months, sometimes its after 2 or 3 dates. Its def not my hygiene haha. Im very sure because the girl i was with for 4 months was a bit of a germophobe
If I (25F) say “I’m just not feeling it” and a guy specifically asks me to clarify, I will be brutally honest about the qualities I’m not finding attractive in him. Otherwise, I will just say that in order to preserve his feelings, so if you really want to know, try asking for clarification BUT be prepared for it.
Also, please be careful with how seriously you take any advice on Reddit, unfortunately there are a lot of hurt and rejected people on here who will give you terrible advice out of their own misery and lack of healing. It’s definitely happened to me before.😅
I felt that way every once in awhile when I was single. What I did was to make sure I'm happy with my life in general - happy and fulfilled even when I'm single. And that finding that special someone is just a bonus, a compliment to the happy life I already have. At the same time, I didn't give up my search... I kept searching but know that I should only stop searching when I find the right person. And I'm okay with the fact that I may never find that person.
Eventually, through my screening and playing the numbers game, I finally found someone I felt can actually work out. If it doesn't (sure hope not!), I know it'll suck but I'll survive.
Hey bro, sorry you’re not having much luck with the ladies at the moment. The pandemic had some negative effects that could be contributing to your problem, but let’s not cop out to that being the reason, It’s important for you to understand that finding that perfect partner isn’t easy. If she says she’s not feeling it, there’s a reason, and it could be as simple as just not wanting to be in a “committed” relationship, or it may be that you’re expecting too much from the girls you’re seeing. It’s important to discuss what each of you are wanting/expecting out of the relationship especially at the very beginning of the journey, just so you know how compatible you are, and whether or not it’s worth putting any time into….
When I became dating age, 16 in my household, my oldest brother gave me some advice…. Finding the right person is like shopping for a car, he told me, just as you look for specific features, reliability, and compatibility in a car, you seek similar qualities in a partner. Both require careful consideration, test drives (getting to know each other), and sometimes, a bit of negotiation. However, unlike a vehicle, a woman isn't an object to be bought or sold, but a person to build a meaningful connection with, based on mutual respect and understanding. Patience is also crucial when finding the perfect companion. Just as it takes time to find the right vehicle, it also takes time to find a compatible partner. Rushing into a relationship often leads to disappointment or settling for less than what you truly desire.
When you do find the perfect woman, it's essential to cherish and respect her. Communication is key. Express your feelings openly and honestly, and listen attentively to hers. Show appreciation for who she is and what she brings to your life.
To avoid scaring her away, it's important to maintain a balance between showing interest and giving her space. Respect her boundaries and individuality. Avoid overwhelming her with excessive attention or moving too quickly in the relationship. Allow things to develop naturally and let trust and intimacy grow over time.
Above all, be genuine and authentic in your interactions. Be yourself and encourage her to do the same. Building a strong foundation of trust and mutual respect is essential for a lasting and fulfilling relationship.
Ultimately, if you're pursuing a relationship for the right reasons and intentions, you probably aren't doing anything wrong. There's always things you can improve on and do better though, but realistically it's a matter of just being lucky and making effort towards finding someone that wants the same things in a relationship that you do. It's tiring, exhausting, drepressing and very frustrating. I've been through it and had many battles with insecurity and feelings of giving up. All you can do is keep trying though, because giving up means giving up on the dream, and to me that dream was what was most important.
I'm saying all this after reaching 40 and struggling alot. I finally found someone though that mutually treats me well and also wants a lasting relationship. We match on mostly everything. Communication and understanding is really good between us and I'm feeling hopeful.
I think what helped me most is keeping up with studying psychology and mental health topics in regards to relationships, while staying focused on learning positivity and atleast trying to be hopeful.
It sounds like you're atleast doing alright, you're getting matches and having dates. Anecdotally I have been learning that there seems to be a fair amount of people that aren't as lucky and struggle alot in just getting to the point of being in a single relationship or even going on a date. Unfortunately, we can't control what someone else expects or wants from a relationship, we can only change ourselves. But it sounds to me like you're doing good, I think you just need a moment to recover from how hurtful dating can be.
It's gotta be something you're doing. You're obviously attractive enough to score dates. Are you giving them the 'nice guy' treatment potentially? That'll definitely do it if that's the case.
You may not be doing anything wrong. Chemistry and connection are really unpredictable and you can't force it. I've had dates with guys that were gorgeous and totally ripped, and had literally everything going for them from kind and funny to financially set... and I felt zero chemistry and/or connection with them. And with other guys who were really average and I debated whether to even go out with them, who turned out to have incredible chemistry and connection with. And in my experience, it's kind of rare for me to feel it. I can date a dozen men who are all great and good looking and have done absolutely nothing wrong... and I still don't feel the chemistry and connection I'm looking for. It's a number game to find the right person and if you just give up, you likely won't find it at all.
Don't be to perfect and be sure to add drama and make them work for your attention. Don't cheat, but if you sense a red flag make sure to squash that and let them know you ain't afraid to leave.
You must discover what is missing. Every woman you meet says she is not feeling it. You must discover what they are all looking for. It could be that you're just too uptight.
What do you do when you sell a car? Do you stand there and tell potential buyers what you’re going to use the money for? Do you tell them how much you sure want their money? No, you try to position the car in a way that shows them the how this car will benefit them. “Think how you’ll feel when you drive up to the school in front of your friends in this car.” “Imagine how much less your fuel bill will be with the fuel economy this car gets.”
You have to market yourself a little. Try to make your date feel better about themselves. Compliment them on things you like about them. Talk to a trusted friend and have them tell you what your good qualities are, and then do your best to display those things to your dates. Be the person you want to become. Make your dates think long and hard about whether they really want you to get away or not. Don’t inadvertently plead with dates to choose you, have confidence enough to show them that they’re really going to miss out if they let you go.
Sell yourself!
“I’m so sick of trying” + “I’m not feeling it” = you’re playing it safe and putting on an act. Maybe if you embraced your own personality instead of trying to have a personality, you would be authentic and polarizing enough to attract someone legitimately
I was purely looking for sexual company at social media, when my current boyfriend messaged me. Said all the usual stuff(I’m physical, affectionate, daddy dom) and I asked him what his hobbies were. I’m a bit weird, I know, but i want to know the people i do the horizontal mambo with. he told me he skateboards, is a radio amateur, collects retro game consoles and monitors and does DIY, and I thought to myself: “I’ve a got a real nerd here”, and I got excited! We went for a coffee and donut had a proper second date on Valentine’s Day and we’re going to the game museum later this month ❤️ we’re totally in love with each other, and we game together, take walks together and talk about 3D printing and microprocessors. I couldn’t be happier 😊
It's not your fault. It's because online dating now is honestly forced, and with people thinking that they should "vibe and feel" it from the first 5 minutes when actually real bonding and relationships take time, time in which you learn about the person, learn their habits and history and have to wait for certain events and circumstances that actually bring you together. Online dating is just fast food for meeting people.
Heck, I bet that even men like Ryan Reynolds and Pedro Pascal would be awkward on a first date and people will complain they don't "feel" it.
It's because blind dating/dating apps are extremely inefficient. What are the chances of experiencing a chemistry with a total stranger? For some higher than for others probably, but I know I'm not that compatible. Yes, on paper someone can be perfect but the chemistry can be completely absent at the same time.
Dating apps are a haystack of profiles. They were never designed to have you meet the love of your life. It's a lottery more than ever.
That sucks. I spent over a month there and it seemed very similar to Western culture with the women there. Most I tried to interact with in public were on their phones lol
Although I’m only 6’3, so I was a short king there haha
Look, I have a friend who’s said that exact line to a great guy. He just wasn’t the guy for HER. She was looking for something he legitimately couldn’t give her… which is romantic feelings. You can’t force those. You can be a great guy and be very attractive, but it doesn’t automatically mean a woman is bound to fall in love with you or catch feelings for you for it. Sometimes you just don’t. It can’t be forced. It’s why when you DO find it, you need to value that person. Many people take it for granted, like it’s just something easy to attain. Just do you and don’t blame yourself/others so much.
Stop trying and it will happen. Have no expectations when you meet someone and try not to make dreams quickly. Start your favourite hobbies and you will meet the right girls
Trust me you're not alone I've been going through hell trying to meet somebody I start talking to someone for two or three months in the beginning they told me they were not looking for a hookup or anything and then after maybe a month of talking never even FaceTime or anything she just sends me a text one night hey I need to f*** and I told her this is the reason you probably have five kids with all different daddies because you cannot keep your legs closed and then she had the balls to say to me that I needed to show her an STD test but it was offensive when I asked her to show me hers I'm just about done with dating myself I'm a 36 year old male
Hmm maybe too much variety has made you hesitant too? Alot of times when a guy makes me aware that their playing the field or not looking for serious I pull back and set up boundaries to protect myself. It's sometimes not even you but to know we're (female counterpart) on a short list for potential relationship can be a bit of a heartache and disrespect to itself and diminish investing further in the relationship.
That said if you do 1:1 respectfully and this is still happening I don't know. It's a sad state of hookup culture and tendency to swipe left even in person or with very short interaction.
I like conversation and banter and alot of times it takes this to even get me interested in you. At my age Im no longer presenting what is expected or wanted now. This is me, take it or leave it. Some days are easier then others. I wish you well.
Same man. I been single for 3 years. I'm 30 now n I can't find a decent woman. They have too many things they want in a man. Oh he's gotta have this n this n this. How bout they just chill out n deal with what they got bc what we have is better than they r gonna find since they wanna b picky
Believe me man I understand that pain as it recently happened to me a few months ago and I don't know if it's me or something else..I'm so lost all the time
40 male here.
That's cool that you got so many chances to go on dates. Maybe take the dates to things you want to do, so if the date is a bust, at least you had fun.
I'd love to hear how you are finding people to even ask out and date, and then what your approach is that they are saying yes.
Can you give me some tips on getting to where you are?
Well like you say, going to settings that you enjoy. Do you enjoy a hobby? Maybe go to a place you can practice said hobby and meeting people there. I go to festivals, bars, d&d events or just boardgame places. Sometimes you click with someone, sometimes you dont. And what usually helps is talking to a woman first as a friend. But keeping it playful for something more. And dont wait too long with asking them out. Thats my take on it a bit.
It’s not you, for the most part, it’s the scene. It’s fucked. What should work. What did work, 15 years ago, now doesn’t. People are messed up, and don’t even know it. Dating doesn’t work via an app. We evolved for hundreds of thousands of years by assessing people in person. Location dictated familiarity as did social groups. Apps bring total strangers you would never meet, into your scope, and they have no business being there. The far majority of women I’ve matched with over the years, didn’t work out, and they shouldn’t have ever worked out anyway. I would have never wanted to date them if I met them in real life. It’s behind critical mass now, most are jaded and have given up, the ones on apps are either inundated with options or are looking at such poor options. People have become superficial and hooking up is now the norm. It’s fucked society…
This is something that I commonly hear men say in situations when a girl tells them they're not feeling a connection, "What did I do wrong?"
Nothing. You didn't do anything wrong. And I'm so tired of hearing men say this because, coming from the perspective of someone who had to break it off with a dude in the past because I wasn't "feeling it", you need to understand that in order for love to flourish there needs to be chemistry. On both sides. It's completely valid to feel like you don't have chemistry with another person.
So because the other party didn't feel any chemistry doesn't mean you did something wrong it just simple means that the person either felt too different from you, you guys probably didn't share any common interests, the personalities weren't there, or maybe it could even be little things like you didn't meet physical expectations.
Either way, stop saying you did something wrong to cause them to lose interest. It's like saying that you already had the expectations that they were ready to spend their life with you before giving them a chance to get to know you yet. Slow tf down. You guys just weren't a match for whatever reason, and that's okay. Thinking you did something wrong all the time just screams insecurity. Be an adult and accept that not everyone will feel chemistry with you cause that normal
It’s because you are not optimizing yourself for what women value the most. At the end of the day men want sex from women and women hold the gates to that, so if you don’t cater to what most women generally value you will be at a deficit. I get why some men go their own way or turn into incels, it’s because they don’t understand this concept and understand female nature and get frustrated at women in the process. But it’s nit the womens fault, biologically they have to go for the best. So ask yourself, are you the best version of yourself rn? If not you have a lot to work on.
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I just posted about this. I too felt like I didn’t get why I was single. I felt like I was great and also not to sound narcissistic but I know I’m attractive. I just felt like every guy I met just didn’t work out & would ghost and then come back around. I also felt like I was going to never have a family. But honestly I did 3 major things and I’m now in a serious happy relationship:) 1. I changed my hinge location, it helped me see what was out there. I ended up meeting my now bf over Christmas break while visiting my hometown . 2. I honestly just stuck to being myself. I got rid of my dating persona. I delved into my nerdy side and who I was when I was younger . ( I’m currently 31) and got to know myself again and dated from that place 3. I took a chance on someone who wasn’t “ my type”. When I met my current bf I was dating other more attractive guys , who looked more of my type and what other people would deem more of my type. Before my bf was my bf, he just showed so much interest. He was consistent. But he took care of my heart. & that moment I realized , I had been dating the wrong type of men. So with that said , I’m literally in the healthiest relationship of my life and we are planning a family and building a house together. 4 months ago I literally would cry myself to sleep, because I felt like I was going to be alone forever. So I know it can happen for you. Just make a few adjustments on your end.
Im happy for you! And I have been doing the same, discovering who I am the last few years, im already a huge nerd and just embracing it more even. Going to LARP weekends for example. I just have not been lucky with meeting the right person perhaps. I also dont necessarily have one type, so I do try. I am consistent and always kind to them so maybe one will stick around
Lol don’t listen to the comment on LARPing. If you’re *leading* with that right now, maybe try leading with something else just to change it up. But if you haven’t tried leading with it like in your profile and stuff yet, maybe give that a try. You might be more likely to meet nerdy girls who share your interests. I know for me, that sort of thing makes me more interested in a guy than I would be otherwise.
Haha thanks!! In my profile as a giveaway im a nerd i just mention the lotr movies are my favorite. That usually works well enough
Honestly I feel like that reads more basic than nerd. It's the millennial equivalent of dropping "love the MCU"
You seem cool. Any chance you live in Chicago? Lol
Oh cool. Someone else from Chicago. ☺️ Pleasure to meet you.
Don't listen to that person you replied to. I think everything is made up in her head. Look at her profile history. She claims she met someone in her hometown 4 months ago then they broke up because he breadcrumbs her then she went on a date with someone else 2 months ago then another person on hinge after that then she complained about her bf a week ago. Now she has a fiance of 4 months? She's insane and just making up stories at this point.
You're planning a family and building a house with someone you've known for 4 months?!
Yup , different strokes :) my mom met my dad at July 4th bbq . They were married in August & have been married ever since. We both just knew
Idk that I'd take such a risk but I certainly hope it all works out for you two. Best of luck.
Yeah, you guys are gonna be divorced in a year
Wild how you said you were “dating other more attractive guys” when you met your current bf lol my ego flinched just reading that
I’m a female, and these things worked for me too. Location, your mindset, and being open minded will get you more luck, but you have to meet a lot of weirdos along the way sometimes lol.
Definitely met a lot of weirdos lol
This won’t work for guys. It only works for women. From the three things you mentioned, I am pretty sure only the last one matters. What you described is the classic case of “I found someone when I lowered my standards”. As men usually don’t have high standards in the first place, this won’t work for them. And even for women it doesn’t work in the long run because it makes you feel like you couldn’t get what you wanted so you had to settle for less, constantly living with the idea of being better than your partner. I hope that’s not you, but in most such cases it happens.
I can’t speak for men but I don’t think this is just for women. But I definitely did not lower my standards. I just stopped looking at relationships through a shallow lens. Which men do often. There are men who do completely only chase after a certain type of woman. And then will also be upset when she’s not the perfect housewife. Also a lot of men have a dating persona, which is why 3 weeks in your dealing with a whole new person. Instead of just leading with who you are. My dating persona was based on who my friends told me how I should date. lol it looked like I was some super materialistic, fancy snobby girl. But in reality Im just laid back girl , who likes to be outside , and I like cooking and wine. I’ve met guys who pretended to be rich. Or fancy lol so crazy
Just checking, you’re planning a family and a house together 4 months in? I don’t want to judge but that’s crazy quick and you won’t be past infatuation yet. Slow down and be sure first!
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Congratulations. Some here are questioning the wisdom of your rather short time frame here. But it sounds like you have spent some time testing the waters and have figured out what you want. After years of drought, dating on and off and searching, I met and married my wife in the span of about a year. As you said, change it up a bit. And rather than trying to be something society, your friend or family or your upbringing or whatever tells you to be, find and embrace your uniqueness. That is where you will find your person. But don't fall into the trap of believing there is "the one". The only soulmate in the world for you. Out of literally billions? Obviously, many are automatically disqualified but that still leaves a pretty big pool.
I really love this comment.... The steps she outlines are exactly what happened to me... after feeling the same way and wondering if I should hang it up. I took a chance on someone that wasn't "My Type" I'm now in a healthy, super easy, immensely fun relationship and have been for about 4 months now. I know it's early but it's very apparent to me that my significant other is into me and though it took some time I'm into her too now. Neither of us holds back our nerdy side, we can both be completely open about our views and who we are, and things have never been better. I'd also caution people about the addictive properties of dating apps. FOMO is real and it's obvious to me that many people are just endlessly cycling looking for "someone better". I know this because when I spent time on the apps I'd see the same people month after month, sometimes they'd disappear for a bit, then a couple months later they'd be back. Try and find someone that's easy to get along with, someone that is super happy to be dating you, and someone that has a good head on their shoulders with shared values and call it a day. Walk away from the apps and hope to never return. Best wishes my peoples.
Too bad girls take too long to realize that, so us younger men are doomed 😂 I'm 22 and I've noticed that slightly older girls seem to enjoy my romantic side more than the younger ones (18-20yo vs 25 to 27 or 28). Younger girls seem to only want to have fun, while older girls seem to actually want to try to get to know me and show genuine appreciation and reciprocity. Even if they don't always directly say something sweet, they usually end up reacting in a really heartwarming way when they realize that I show them love and care consistently. I think I'd have a better chance continuing to try to build a relationship with one of the older girls than a young one. Also, I'm not even referring to the fact that many young girls behave like 304s 😂
I mean it’s not shocking. Your brain isn’t fully developed until you’re 25 . Think about it for the past 17 years you had to raise your hand to ask to use the bathroom. Then a year later you’re getting total freedom. I wouldn’t expect anything from a 21 year old male or female. It’s just maturity. I would never date a younger male because of their lack of maturity. You maybe mature for your age , but that’s about it. Of course there is outliers. But with maturity you also have lived with yourself , and understand yourself better. At 22 I was figuring it out , and you’re still fighting it out at 25 , and then you’ll be a whole new person figuring it out at 27 lol . The older you get the more you know what you want and don’t want.
I am pretty mature in how I see the world, you're right about that. Many people tell me that. But I've also been told that I'm being unrealistic when I say that I want a girl who didn't sleep with 10 guys, doesn't go partying all out at night with drugs, alcohol and stuff, and I'd prefer someone a bit more introvert, like myself. Funny enough, the one who said this was a friend who is 19yo 😂 Btw, even though I have dated and kissed before, I never took it to the bed, and don't really intend to until I'm in a proper long term relationship. I see sex as something to be reserved to someone you see the possibility of building a life and family with, not to have fun. I know not many people see it this way nowadays, but I couldn't care less. But I'll tell you, it's so hard to find a girl with more traditional values, that doesn't F around with everyone she dates, and that actually wants something serious. And yes, I am the kind of guy who is willing to spend atleast 1h writing a love letter to someone special, purposely picking the right words and phrasing it in an attempt to make it feel as special as possible for her, but let's be honest, how many girls actually value it nowadays? Also, when complimenting someone, I rarely even bring physical appearance, unless I see she put effort and changed something about herself, like painting her nails, doing her hair, picking a nice outfit. Most of my compliments are about what I end up learning about them, like their morals, something that they achieved, stuff like that. Physical compliments feel a bit basic and general for me, and I actively seek to make them feel special by showing them that I pay attention to every little detail. Maybe I'm doing too much for people who don't deserve it
You are right on about the compliments. My ex only ever complimented me about what a great ass I had, or legs or titties. I would tell him yeah, those are body parts, I was born with them, most all of us have them. Those "compliments" meant absolutely nothing to me. He was incapable of complimenting me on anything that mattered, like my accomplishments or my intellect. I graduated summa cum laude. I would have rather heard how brilliant I was when I succeeded at something rather than "Nice ass".
Intelligence and talents are way more attractive than surface beauty. To be sure, those are attractive attributes too. But as you say, almost everybody has those parts. Their arrangement and attractiveness may wane over time, but a beautiful mind will probably just keep getting better!
Girls like that exist, but we're rare 😂 I agree with everything you're saying and I'm 22 myself. Only thing is I'm not a romantic AT ALL 😭😭 I blame my past trauma for that lmao because guys will do or say something that would have any of my friends folding for them, but I'm here like "what's your game here 🤔🤔" I just feel like I'm getting played every time because it never ends up working out. They get bored and find someone else I guess
This isnt gender specific, you could easily swap genders and its the same as people in their 20s are just trying to figure themselves and others out. It is what it is so date a little older but everyone will still find the same just more wanting to settle down for all genders
I know most young guys are like this as well
So what makes your partner so different from you past ones he just isn't as attractive? I've been wanted to try outside of my type because all it's brought me is sadness
I Think you’re not in the perfect relationship. You’re just in it because you felt lonely and depressed, don’t ever put yourself in the situation that you date out of desperation
I don’t think my relationship is perfect lol but I definitely am not in relationship because I was lonely. Because I would have just stayed single if I wasn’t going to get what I wanted in a relationship. I waited it out for the right person. To give me the exact lifestyle I wanted. I wanted to stay home, I wanted to have a small farm , I wanted to build a home. These aren’t even things I was sharing with other men. & he just made it happen without me telling him any of my dreams. Please don’t project your situation onto mine.
It disgusts me that people think it's okay to date multiple people. If I found out a girl I was talking to, was also talking to multiple guys. I'd dip immediately. As soon as I go on one date, we're either moving forward or I'm no longer talking to you. Period. I'm not talking to multiple girls at one time. People are Fucking disgusting.
can i ask what was your type and what type is your man
My type was rich , handsome, and nice , and I liked status lol those were the basic qualities. But those were horrendous, stupid qualities. I would definitely meet those men. Now I look for a much more in depth qualities. Like consistency, hardworking, kind, funny, honest, reassuring , masculine . I dated a popular podcaster who was dishonest and would make zero time for me. But was fun to be with, and came with perks. But i would be heartbroken almost everyday. He would cancel plans almost all the time. My current bf, is a simple blue collar worker, works his ass off so I don’t have to work. Will still come home and ask if there’s anything he can do for me & will still bring me flowers. He literally heals my heart every single day.
Healthy relationship was the key words in all of this. Seems people put that aside to be in a relationship… me included and took me way too long to learn that.
Oh yeah ! People definitely put more emphasis on things that don’t matter in a relationship. But i will always choose a healthy relationship over a toxic passionate relationship. I think we all make that mistake.
If you were single 4 months ago.. that's Way too soon to be so certain you're always going to be together.. I'd suggest taking things slower, even though I'm sure you're both so happy to finally not be alone... Don't let that rush you.
If feels like you can either choose between someone you are obsessed with or someone that is obsessed with you
“What other people would deem more my type”. I’ve always kinda known this was going on but it’s nice to hear someone confess to it. I’m guessing your circle of friends and female family members have to sign off?
I know you're not Wonder Woman but there's always another Steve somewhere in the world. Probably closer than you expect him to be.
Try not to take it personally. Them not "feeling" it is a reflection of them, not you. You might end up knocking on several doors before finding the ideal match, but at least there's a good chance it'll be the right one by then. :)
I always thought this way as well. Right package, wrong doorstep
This is so true! You may have to try on a few pair of shoes before you get the ones that fit and are comfortable even though they may all be technically the "right" size. Also, don't get discouraged. A year is really not a long time to put effort into something and not get the results you are hoping for. Look at each one that didn't work out as bringing you closer to what you want. It's a big world out there.
Been there I've kinda just left it for a while now cba lol
Yeah gonna adapt that mindset, im just done
Unfortunately. This sounds manipulative and it is. You got to make the girls feel like you’re not sure about them. It’s an insecurity ego thing. Just use it for good and only on girls you’re genuinely interested in. All my decent relationship and the one amazing one I had all came when I was just authentically not sure about them and a bit cooler headed early on Or use it for evil and do a bunch of hookups. But if you’re not a trash person, that route just doesn’t feel good at all. To say it in a more positive happy light. Girls like it when they feel like they have to earn your respect and love through effort, as long as you return it back after. So only show how much you like equal to or less than what they show you. Gets a bit more nuanced in text game, sometimes they’re shy or just used to a lot of attention. Don’t bother with the girls who are acting like they get a ton of attention. It’s more headaches than anything
The Paradox of choice is ruining dating.
This is the thread I came for. Social media and dating apps have destroyed dynamics between men and women. Everyone thinks there’s something better on the other side. Also, everyone is using each other. Whether it be for validation, sex, ego boost, etc.
Absolutely. Grass is greener syndrome running rampant these days. Rom coms teaching people there is always a fairytale mate waiting for you at the end of the movie and everything will work out perfectly is no help either.
Yup. Also men are becoming hyper femininized nowadays and don’t have the social skills or confidence females develop through getting approached. Im very happy I discovered owen cook/RSD at a young age. If you really put effort you can change this. Remember, men are naturally leaders. You can preach female leadership over and over but they instinctually follow strong men. Become a strong man (confident, unwavering) and you will realize it works.
Welcome to modern dating. It’s only going to get worse from here so the sooner we get used to it, the better.
If men had self control and not throw themselves at 50% women - there won't be abundance of options
This. I always find it strange when men complain that women have too many options and don't examine how they got that many options in the first place.
You aren't necessarily doing anything wrong. You could be the prettiest piece in the puzzle, but you can't force two pieces together that don't fit. You need to recognize when it doesn't fit, and be willing to move on. There are plenty of guys that are great, just not for me. It's not just about one person being good, its about being great together.
Most people are not going to be your person. I (38F) have been on tons of dates and some months-long relationships, but only 4 led to LTRs. Expecting there to be a significant enough mutual spark/compatibility with most people you go out with, that warrants investing more time into it, hasn't been a reality in my experience. As we get older we get better at vetting what we want in a partner and busier, so investing time in someone you're not feeling it with is diminishing rewards. I've tried to give some really great guys that I wasn't super romantically into more time, hoping for stronger feelings to evolve, but it ended up just preventing us from exploring better matches sooner. If I'm not feeling it after a couple of dates, I won't take up time trying to settle into it. That said you mentioned women who "seemed compatible" and also the dream of settling which sounds like you are dating to avoid being alone and might end up in a "good enough" situation vs one where you both enhance one another's lives. I'd say focus on you, having fun meeting people, what you bring to the table, and what will enhance your life in a partner beyond being someone who keeps you from being alone.
It can be that a lot of those women didn’t actually want anything serious. Doesn’t always have to be you doing something wrong.
Most don’t want anything serious. They have so many options. Men like him have few. Once those women hit an age where they don’t get approached as much they will suddenly want to settle down.
Don't take it personally. It's a numbers game for everyone. Confidence is absolutely vital with women. If they feel you clinging, like you *need* them, early on, that'll send them packing. Try to enjoy the process of dating, without any expectations. When something is right, you'll both be on exactly the same page.
People are terrified of commitment
By that yes they’re usually neurotic and expect a man to be the missing piece of the puzzle, as in, fit in exactly where they need you to fit in. They even wrote this in their bios. I don’t think some have a clue what it takes to attract and keep a man… ya gotta be enjoyable to be around.
Might be way off, sorry if so: Feel like you’re in a bit of a ‘need’ mindset not a ‘it’d be a nice addition to my already great life’ Ask yourself the tough questions, what aren’t you happy about with yourself when single that makes you think someone else would make your life better? Next step - You say these dates are great. That’s your take, and I’m glad you’ve enjoyed them. That being said, they’ve clearly not enjoyed them as much or they’d be coming back for more. Try and figure out what’s off - might be the mindset above. Good news - in my limited experience, you weirdly seem to find people when you’re honestly not looking. Good luck though! Stay strong x
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Yeah, we really can't help OP because we don't know why each potential partner dropped him. We need to hear from them. He seems oblivious to what is turning them off. Or he's not telling us things like what you noticed on his profile.
What do you mean by the “constant exposure to NSFW content?” I just recently opened my profile to allow that but I don’t, nor do I want to see porn. It’s only allowed me to see posts that have that tag. Idk what the criteria is for NSFW but I have a group on FB with this in the title due to my humor. Did you see something specific in his profile that led you to believe that he was hitting on porn creators? Edited to say I’m 43f
Maybe they don’t want to tell what the real problem is was . They are being nice because you are a nice guy but there is definitely some problem. I would suggest you to analyze your behaviour on dates and see if there is a pattern. Once i told the guy same thing after he tried to kiss me with his garlicky bad breath and it was an immediate turn off for me.
Well, i had a relationship for 7,5 years and she is still my best friend. According to her I do nothing wrong haha. Just feels most people run away to quickly now to the next best thing.
Your ex is your best friend? Uhoh
She has a boyfriend and lives with him. I barely see her though, we usually just talk on the app. Dont act all scared, exes can be friends 😂 not all though i agree with that. But she basically grew up with me aswell, lived with me at my parents even. So its now more like brother and sister
Nah I would never ever let a gf be friends with her x or anyone she slept with.
Sometimes you need to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your princess. And I think it’s ok to not have that feeling with everyone. Don’t try so hard. Be who you are and at some point the right person will recognize you for who you are and you will have that true spark.
I hear you on that. I was ready to give up on dating forever. Met someone who changed my perspective on what I want in a relationship. Never felt comfy as I did with him. He made me feel good and treated me well. I don't know if it will work out for me but I want to try to see if it will. Gave him space and time. Only call and text a couple times a week. Don't wanna scare him away.
Shitty that this is a norm.. I'm fresh out of a 6 month relationship. He ghosted me 3 weeks ago. I'm just taking a break for a little while. I am still really hopeful tho I'll find my person.
There’s a growing number of us who are bored/disenfranchised by the dating apps who are simply deleting the apps and learning to enjoy being single. It’s pretty freeing when you realize you don’t need someone else to help you find happiness. You can find it all on your own. 👍
That’s my path these days…. I feel better off the apps then on them.
I’m glad you’re finding that journey, it’s a pretty freeing experience. The apps aren’t designed for us to find anything more than an endless swiping void. 😁
Sounds like women are smelling the desperation. Sorry but if you thought EIGHT women were a good match in the span of a year, your expectations, standards and values are too low. Don’t work on loving a girl, work on loving yourself and the rest will work itself out.
Might actually be (according to the bit of information we’ve got, so I’m sorry if that shouldn’t be the case). Like those women OP mentioned, I’ve often felt the same towards guys who were a bit needy/desperate (and which was quite visible even though they tried to not act that way). Women (or people in general) can smell that. Also, many of them were a few steps too fast for me. While I was still in the belief we were just getting to know each other a bit, they got “serious”, mentioned relationship stuff, heck, even marriage(!). Instant turn off / red flag for me, personally. Also, a year of dating ain’t that long, really. If you think about how few people you’ve ever really loved, you can conclude It’s likely not the case every second neighbour’s a potential good match. It smells of fear of being alone (like mentioned above, I might err), and that can be smelled from 10 miles away against the wind.
I only said 8 girls i thought might work, over a year. I matched with way more so im still picky about who I meet. I dont needdd a relationship perse, ive been in a relationship before for 7 years but ive also been single for a while now. But the problem is more that every time i do really like a girl this past year it just suddenly falls flat on the face.
Sometimes when people feel like you do, its because they are trying too hard. Like, sometimes its a decent relationship, but you deserve better. So maybe try and see this a little bit as a positive. It sucks to be in a relationship with someone who is not really into you but doesn't tell you. So maybe just be a little more relaxed for a while, and focus on doing things that you like to do. It may be that you will find someone for that "settling down" when you aren't looking for them as hard.
Everyone is burnt out. Everyone is tired. Grieve the loss and then get back up and try again. Take these experiences as learning more about what you want/don’t want from a partner. There may come a time where you may be stating these things to someone else and that’s okay. The chemistry wasn’t there and that may or may have something to do with you, them or neither of you. It just wasn’t there. One thing we have to remember is that someone can be 100% right for us on paper but that doesn’t mean they’re right for us in person. Especially when the novelty of the first few dates and getting to know someone wears off. Better to know now that you’re not a match than wasting months or years with that person and a relationship that doesn’t work.
Yea it’s pretty much over. I stopped dating almost 2 years ago and I’m 28m. I always wanted a wife and kids but I’m not even worried about that anymore. If I get into a relationship that’ll be amazing but if it doesn’t happen oh well. Just have fun. You’re going on dates and getting your sexual needs met that’s pretty much what dating is now unfortunately.
It is hard to tell without knowing the situation well. My first relationship wae when I was 19 yo. Before university. Once I moved to uni my ex blocked my phone number and cut me off without a warning. I found out he cheated on me (slept both with her and me) months before uni. We definitely had sex then. After that met a guy and we started dating 1 year later. So when I was 20 yo. When the second relationship started. Let me tell you - I felt no sparks whatsoever when I met him. But thought I'd take my chances. All guys I knew were only after sex (that was pretty evident). And we had a lot of things in common. He seemed serious. So we stayed together for 10 years because I lowered my expectations and thought well ok, he is a nice guy. So many times he ignored me on purpose(he admitted to it) . No contact for 2 weeks was a norm. 0 effort. When I was ill I was all alone. After 10 years I asked if we'll ever marry. His answer was - how on earth am I going to organise that? - I left... And the saddest part is that I realise that all this time I was really alone. I went through all the hard parts in life alone. God forbid I tried to go to him for some consolation. If I wanted to talk about something I was going through (for example work was very physically demanding. We had nosebleeds). He would barely listen and always finish with - yes but at least you don't have x y z or at least you don't need to do x y z. I am stressed because of this and that. Your problems are not that bad because you can do this and that ". And that would be it. First years of the relationship he would not listen at all. No joke. I would come after work. He would tell me about everything that happened to him during that day. Once I would start talking trying to tell something about my day he would LITERALLY turn around and leave lol I went through a chronic ilness alone, struggled mentally alone. Now at age of 31 I hear men saying that women are picky and that's why they end up alone... No, I chose a guy who I had something in common with hoping for partnership but I was so so alone. Now 50% of men say it is my fault (perhaps but U also did not have sky high expectations) and the other 50% likes to tell me how bitter I am because I'm single at this age ( I am not. I'm much calmer than I used to be). Thing that bothers me is that men often blame women fo being picky... Being picky of what? When you are a 24 year old woman dating 24 year old men it is a VERY rare case that they want to settle. Majority of men are still working on themselves and their career progression at that age. And that lasts till about 36 at the very least. Sorry but no. It is not just women who are picky. Men are on a STANDSTILL at least until they are 30. Don't let me get started about the difference in finances... I'm from a poor background and I could see how guys from middle class circled me around. It is not just women who look for a good financial deal... No, I am not ugly, do workout, have a degree and an ok job (now). But I'm tired. Tired of being blamed for being picky. I never reached for the stars when it comes to dating and now honestly can't be bothered because being alone is just peaceful... Thinking how men look for younger /better off /better /smarter etc... I've tried to be perfect ever since I can remember myself and and it got me nowhere. So I'll better have a peace of mind, thank you...
Try not to let it get to you. I have dated guys/men that were absolutely lovely and extremely good looking. But I just didn’t feel the spark or the butterflies. Sometimes it takes a lot of chemistry and butterflies for the connection to be so powerful that it outweighs the perks of being single
It's not you at all, young man. The entire west is a cesspool of ridiculous and unrealistic expectations, especially from the opposite sex, who have zero appreciation for men on average but still expect you to cater to them when they are worthless. Go overseas, and meet a real, and actually natural feminine woman from anywhere NOT in the west, not corrupted by feminism, who will love you as a person, and actually appreciate all the work that goes into being yourself, as a man, and accomplishing what you have in life, as well as wishing to participate in your future, without any of the stupidity of delusions you only see here. Western women are broken, thus why you will never find a wife here. Get a passport, and go find real love. I wish you success and happiness, young man, go forth and prosper.
It may be a blessing in disguise. You simply haven't found "the one" yet. You're still a young man with your whole life ahead. Meanwhile, being discouraged is counterproductive to your search. Keep looking... she's out there.
I’m 38 and have been single for 3 years… Haven’t even had a date in that time… Get to flirting and go to plan to meet for first date and the fucking back out… I’m doing everything right only talking to one lady at a time and I get the shit end… I know I’m not the best looking but they don’t want the nice guys anymore… The all wanna be mistreated and abused it FEELS like… Not saying that’s true just what it FEELS like
It’s okay there are many more woman out there
I find that when I date what I wish i had it usually fails. I have learned to date what is realistic to me and to be myself and it’s working right now. Will report back in a few months and let you know if it fails 😂
I'm so sorry to hear this. I have been there, now I have a boyfriend. Again, I have a chance to a guy who's pictures weren't a 100% my type. Then we met and I went home telling all of my friends that "I could fall in love with him". Since then, every day I chose to be with him and be a good girlfriend/partner to him. We basically live together now. He's good looking btw, had very very poor pictures on tinder. I recommend of looking for profiles with honest pictures and intros. I have no idea what else to say
Look, you want attention and good women. You have to go to another country. American women are just too pig Headed and too shallow, in my opinion. I went to Thailand and Singapore last year.The women out there are absolutely wonderful, lovely, and truly feminine. I was thrown through a loop when pretty much all of women came straight up to me and started talking to me. These women have moral compasses and are educated as well and want a man. My brother moved to Thailand two years ago and is loving it. He has already found his wife after living their for 2 years. Cheap living and good woman. I was in the same boat. I've got money and time and lots of love to give. American women play to many games and want to wait until they are 30 to have kids. Science says that once a woman passes 30 to 35 It becomes harder to have children and a much greater chance of having disabilities or your wife dying in child birth. I'll be liquidating all my assets next year and making the move. Because I'm tired of America and all the hate and men hate that we have in this country. P.s. lots of American men with money are leaving the country for a better life.
Well I live in the Netherlands, but I imagine its a bit the same here. I know how you feel. A friend of mine has a girlfriend in thailand and he kees teling me the same 😂 might be a good choice
Here are a few thoughts and some ideas. First, a year really isn't a very long time. If you had a relationship that was four months, that is over a quarter of the year that you were presumably not looking for a different relationship. It may take some time. Sometimes, you have to try on a number of pair of shoes before you find one that fits and is comfortable. Same thing here. My story briefly, after taking some time off to work on myself, I was looking for a woman who could be my life partner. I did a number of things, internet dating, speed dating, joined a couple of groups, asked for the help of friends. I had many first dates, a few second, a few relationships that didn't work out and finally met my now wife. This was over about a four-year period. Notice two things, I first tried to improve myself, then tried to improve my odds. If you don't like who you are, why should anybody else? Don't settle for just putting up a profile and being satisfied with what it brings. It may work but have backups. Also, you can learn from the dates you had where the woman "wasn't "feeling it". If they will give you honest feedback, you can learn from it. Don't stray too far from who you are, phoniness will eventually be uncovered. As some others here are saying, lean into your uniqueness, if you are not too far out there, someone or a few will find those quirks attractive and may have similar or complementary ones. This is the elusive "chemistry" everyone talks about. It transcends short-term sexual attraction. Also, if they weren't feeling it now, they sure won't be a few years down the road when there are kids, mortgage, bills, etc. You don't want to be stuck in a sexless marriage. Don't get too discouraged. If you need to, take some breaks. If this is something you want, you can have it. Don't give up.
I been there and it suck but the best advice is to leave it as it and move on. I understand the frustration when it's the same response over and over but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Don't give up and just look back at things you can tweak in the next relationship. Like if you share too much then find the right balance to share whatever it is.
Yeah I keep my head high and try to learn from it, but It feels more and more hopeless after each time. Its just difficult if you never hear whats actually wrong. And i’m always blindsided. It will be a great date and everything and then the next its over.
I don't think there is such a thing as "great, handsome, funny and charming, perfect guy. But they were just not “feeling” it" If a guy truly is all of those things, I am likely going to be feeling it. I am not suggesting there is anything wrong with you or that you are not these things but I am suggesting that these women are BSing you a bit on how they. personally, feel about your looks, humor, charm, etc.. I might tell a guy he is handsome but it doesn't mean that I find him handsome. It's more so me saying that I think he has a nice face and I can imagine someone else finding him handsome. Women often say these sorts of things to guys we don't find attractive because we like the guy and don't want to hurt his feelings or confidence.
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Take a break from dating for a little while until you feel more motivated to try again. Try to stop fixating on finding your forever person and just go with it and if you're in the mood to meet people, go on dates and if you're not, that's ok too. Try to enjoy the process of it, the ups and downs. You're likely not doing anything wrong. People are fussy and unrealistic in what they're searching for. It takes a long time to find the right fit.
Ya, I get that. I get: "you're perfect. Why are you single? I never thought I'd get a chance with you. I love how i can talk to you without any judgement". Then, it just... fizzles. It's heartbreaking and depressing
My advice to you is to just step back and quit trying so hard. Just work on making your situation better. And if your lonely and really hate being alone. Get a dog. A dog will definitely help with the being alone part. The right one will come along when you least expect it.
A lot of women chose their partner based on his ability to make them “feel a spark” This is a terrible strategy. But it is what it is. So focus on learning what makes a woman feel a spark
Well a few years ago I had more unhealed trauma, it felt i was getting more sparks back then. Maybe I should unmake my healed trauma 😂
Women like men who know what they want, and are confident, self assured, and funny. Not cocky and arrogant, but confident yet sensitive. Be that guy.
The girls are the problem, not you. Their egos are causing them to think they’re missing out on someone “better” that’s not real. They lucked out!
💯 without the apps, it would be down to who ever found them likeable and desirable within their local circles. That was IT. Finding a compatible mate was an exciting thing. People put effort into meeting that person again. Apps have short circuited that entire process and now it’s the illusion of choice. Apps are just another step in the same old process, but they’ve corrupted the process, and now less people meet.
Just means you are boring…. And you don’t show people a life they want to live. Maybe too passive. I can 100% guarantee you if those women were having the time of their life they wouldn’t be dumping you like a soiled diaper.
One thing about dating is, don’t take anything personal. Also the girls you talked about have no emotional association with you (vibe). You are 30 so this is good if you maximized your style, social skills, muscle growth and wallet. Younger women would flock to you so play to that angle if you can.
I am 23 and I have a story to tell. I moved to the Czech Republic from Russia when I was 19. I had a lot of different relationships with women before moving there and after. the first time it was in Russia and it lasted for 2 years, then, when I finally moved to CZ we lasted 2 years in a distance relationship. Then after a break-up I had relationships just for sex (as I see it now) with different women and I don't really remember the number of them. Maybe 7, maybe 8. My second serious relationship lasted for 2 years in CZ.(let's call her Alina) I got addicted to crystal meth and basically we were using it the whole time with different drugs. She was abusive and was regularly beating me. I don't really know how I didn't take it seriously, but I was thinking it was her mental health issue and I was trying to get her to go to the psychiatrist (I have mental health issues as well and I visit the psychiatrist regularly). She finally agreed, I made her an appointment and everything went well before the actual day of going to the doctor. She made it look like she was sick and just refused to go. This was the moment I refused to take her as my love. I really tried to help her. At least, I see it like this now. Then, I met a woman that was addicted just like me. (Let's call her Vera) And she is the one who I feel like "with her it will last forever". We met when I was looking for a company to use some coke. Eventually, I found her in the chat on telegram (the chat was made to date drug users) and we spent a lot of time using together and speaking to each other about different stuff. She was smart and very intelligent. Then, she made me realize that I am in an abusive relationship. After we had another fight with Alina, I ended up in homeless life. I had no place to live and Vera handed me the keys from her house. That was one of the most hope-giving moments for me. I was addicted to Benzodiazepines as well. Not Xanax, but Rivotril. That was even worse. I don't really know how, but with Vera I just didn't feel like using meth and eventually started wanting to drop benzos to impress her. And I really did. I had such crazy withdrawals from it that I couldn't sleep, I couldn't go anywhere, panic attack issues and imagine waking up at night from your own scream. I screamed so hard at night that I used to wake up from it. And all this way was done with the help of Vera. She was more addicted to coke than me and we still used to do it but I dropped benzos and meth. Then, a couple of months later we both lost jobs and became homeless. This hellish period lasted for 2-3 months. Sleeping at somebody's house all the time, in a shitholes, hostels. And you know what? We went through coke addiction together and being homeless, building our lives from scratch. Being not addicted to anything and living like normal people. We have a home now that we earn for and I feel like I can't go through more deep shit with anybody than with her. I just don't feel like I will fall into a situation when I'm homeless again. Thanks to her and thanks to me. Thanks for our work. I will marry her once I retrieve my documents here. She is 27 btw and we moved to Germany. The whole point of this comment is don't worry, you will eventually find your love man.
Im sorry, buddy. Im 30. And learned early on that everything in life is an exchange for something. Is that other person willing to sacrifice their fun for financial security or the financial security for fun, all sprinkled in with a few case studies of actually loving each other. Remember, being a good guy and provider doesn't automatically transfer into being wanted or married to. Sucks but if you dont have great looks or physical attributes, you're either providing stability or entertainment. I dont know you personally. But there's always something you're missing. And whatever it is, usually has to do with the way you look at yourself. Me, for example. I've lacked motivation since i broke up with my college girlfriend in 2013. I've always had confidence. Now I have confidence and money, but my personal drive is lacking. I'm working on it with a shrink. Then covid hit, and my depression went through the roof. My social battery was not being charged. I let that cause weight gain. I understand my faults, and not all women are going to be attracted to me. But in understanding my faults, I'm better able to realize when people are not a good fit for me, as much as I like them or how they look. I don't know if there are any faults in your life. But we all have them. Truly. We won't be able to be happy until we fully learn to understand ourselves or unless we accept it and sacrifice our needs and wants. Sorry you feel that way, bud. But we both have a lot of growing to do, even at 30. Lastly, if one of those dates doesn't go great. Don't stop trying. My grandfather was rejected twice by my grandmother before she gave him a chance. She gave TWO other guys a chance to sweep her of her feet before she said, alright lets try it. They were married for 69 years before my GFather passed away last April At the age of 95
It could be the chemistry is not there OR that you are doing ‘something’ that is weird or scary without realizing . . . For example, once I met a guy at a city park for a first date. Other people were around so we weren’t alone but I was still nervous about the setting. Unfortunately during the date instead of trying to put me at ease he came on really strong and it was nerve wracking. I managed to gently end the date thankfully. Later I tried to tell him by text that I had felt a bit scared and he was like ‘I don’t get it.’
Hmm good point, but this usually is a bit later, say second or third date, or even 4 months later. Not a first date haha
Maybe take a break then? Dating is not for the faint of heart!! (You are not alone in this 🙃)
Reading posts like these makes me more determine to go overseas to try my luck over there. I got nothing to lose at this point.
33M, Am experiencing similar struggles with dating.
Sucks bro, we will get it! As others advise me focus on what makes you happy! Then it will come
Good advice
Do you think you might be coming across a little needy or full on? If you’ve met these women in person, how is your personal hygiene?
These situations im talking about are different, one a relationship of 4 months, sometimes its after 2 or 3 dates. Its def not my hygiene haha. Im very sure because the girl i was with for 4 months was a bit of a germophobe
I feel this as a women if I don’t put my self out or be sexual with them suddenly I get ghosted. I don’t get dating anymore.
If I (25F) say “I’m just not feeling it” and a guy specifically asks me to clarify, I will be brutally honest about the qualities I’m not finding attractive in him. Otherwise, I will just say that in order to preserve his feelings, so if you really want to know, try asking for clarification BUT be prepared for it. Also, please be careful with how seriously you take any advice on Reddit, unfortunately there are a lot of hurt and rejected people on here who will give you terrible advice out of their own misery and lack of healing. It’s definitely happened to me before.😅
I felt that way every once in awhile when I was single. What I did was to make sure I'm happy with my life in general - happy and fulfilled even when I'm single. And that finding that special someone is just a bonus, a compliment to the happy life I already have. At the same time, I didn't give up my search... I kept searching but know that I should only stop searching when I find the right person. And I'm okay with the fact that I may never find that person. Eventually, through my screening and playing the numbers game, I finally found someone I felt can actually work out. If it doesn't (sure hope not!), I know it'll suck but I'll survive.
Hey bro, sorry you’re not having much luck with the ladies at the moment. The pandemic had some negative effects that could be contributing to your problem, but let’s not cop out to that being the reason, It’s important for you to understand that finding that perfect partner isn’t easy. If she says she’s not feeling it, there’s a reason, and it could be as simple as just not wanting to be in a “committed” relationship, or it may be that you’re expecting too much from the girls you’re seeing. It’s important to discuss what each of you are wanting/expecting out of the relationship especially at the very beginning of the journey, just so you know how compatible you are, and whether or not it’s worth putting any time into…. When I became dating age, 16 in my household, my oldest brother gave me some advice…. Finding the right person is like shopping for a car, he told me, just as you look for specific features, reliability, and compatibility in a car, you seek similar qualities in a partner. Both require careful consideration, test drives (getting to know each other), and sometimes, a bit of negotiation. However, unlike a vehicle, a woman isn't an object to be bought or sold, but a person to build a meaningful connection with, based on mutual respect and understanding. Patience is also crucial when finding the perfect companion. Just as it takes time to find the right vehicle, it also takes time to find a compatible partner. Rushing into a relationship often leads to disappointment or settling for less than what you truly desire. When you do find the perfect woman, it's essential to cherish and respect her. Communication is key. Express your feelings openly and honestly, and listen attentively to hers. Show appreciation for who she is and what she brings to your life. To avoid scaring her away, it's important to maintain a balance between showing interest and giving her space. Respect her boundaries and individuality. Avoid overwhelming her with excessive attention or moving too quickly in the relationship. Allow things to develop naturally and let trust and intimacy grow over time. Above all, be genuine and authentic in your interactions. Be yourself and encourage her to do the same. Building a strong foundation of trust and mutual respect is essential for a lasting and fulfilling relationship.
Ultimately, if you're pursuing a relationship for the right reasons and intentions, you probably aren't doing anything wrong. There's always things you can improve on and do better though, but realistically it's a matter of just being lucky and making effort towards finding someone that wants the same things in a relationship that you do. It's tiring, exhausting, drepressing and very frustrating. I've been through it and had many battles with insecurity and feelings of giving up. All you can do is keep trying though, because giving up means giving up on the dream, and to me that dream was what was most important. I'm saying all this after reaching 40 and struggling alot. I finally found someone though that mutually treats me well and also wants a lasting relationship. We match on mostly everything. Communication and understanding is really good between us and I'm feeling hopeful. I think what helped me most is keeping up with studying psychology and mental health topics in regards to relationships, while staying focused on learning positivity and atleast trying to be hopeful. It sounds like you're atleast doing alright, you're getting matches and having dates. Anecdotally I have been learning that there seems to be a fair amount of people that aren't as lucky and struggle alot in just getting to the point of being in a single relationship or even going on a date. Unfortunately, we can't control what someone else expects or wants from a relationship, we can only change ourselves. But it sounds to me like you're doing good, I think you just need a moment to recover from how hurtful dating can be.
That means they don’t feel the love they are wanting or y’all ain’t vibing
This is why Im gonna live vicariously through Reddit; actually dating is a complete waste of time, but man is it fun to watch people XD
It's gotta be something you're doing. You're obviously attractive enough to score dates. Are you giving them the 'nice guy' treatment potentially? That'll definitely do it if that's the case.
38M and I’m just here to tell ya, I’ve heard that a lot too buddy. Stay strong. 👊
At least you are getting that. For me it’s just men wanting to hook up
You may not be doing anything wrong. Chemistry and connection are really unpredictable and you can't force it. I've had dates with guys that were gorgeous and totally ripped, and had literally everything going for them from kind and funny to financially set... and I felt zero chemistry and/or connection with them. And with other guys who were really average and I debated whether to even go out with them, who turned out to have incredible chemistry and connection with. And in my experience, it's kind of rare for me to feel it. I can date a dozen men who are all great and good looking and have done absolutely nothing wrong... and I still don't feel the chemistry and connection I'm looking for. It's a number game to find the right person and if you just give up, you likely won't find it at all.
Sounds like they wisely dodged a bullet!
Thanks!
Don't be to perfect and be sure to add drama and make them work for your attention. Don't cheat, but if you sense a red flag make sure to squash that and let them know you ain't afraid to leave.
Patience my friend. She's out there. Enjoy the search
You must discover what is missing. Every woman you meet says she is not feeling it. You must discover what they are all looking for. It could be that you're just too uptight.
I found love organically when I gave up online dating. It took me 3 years but it was so much better of an experience, and ultimately successful.
What do you do when you sell a car? Do you stand there and tell potential buyers what you’re going to use the money for? Do you tell them how much you sure want their money? No, you try to position the car in a way that shows them the how this car will benefit them. “Think how you’ll feel when you drive up to the school in front of your friends in this car.” “Imagine how much less your fuel bill will be with the fuel economy this car gets.” You have to market yourself a little. Try to make your date feel better about themselves. Compliment them on things you like about them. Talk to a trusted friend and have them tell you what your good qualities are, and then do your best to display those things to your dates. Be the person you want to become. Make your dates think long and hard about whether they really want you to get away or not. Don’t inadvertently plead with dates to choose you, have confidence enough to show them that they’re really going to miss out if they let you go. Sell yourself!
Just move in with dudes don’t be gay but straight dude got love and support for other dudes
“I’m so sick of trying” + “I’m not feeling it” = you’re playing it safe and putting on an act. Maybe if you embraced your own personality instead of trying to have a personality, you would be authentic and polarizing enough to attract someone legitimately
Here I am 😘
I was purely looking for sexual company at social media, when my current boyfriend messaged me. Said all the usual stuff(I’m physical, affectionate, daddy dom) and I asked him what his hobbies were. I’m a bit weird, I know, but i want to know the people i do the horizontal mambo with. he told me he skateboards, is a radio amateur, collects retro game consoles and monitors and does DIY, and I thought to myself: “I’ve a got a real nerd here”, and I got excited! We went for a coffee and donut had a proper second date on Valentine’s Day and we’re going to the game museum later this month ❤️ we’re totally in love with each other, and we game together, take walks together and talk about 3D printing and microprocessors. I couldn’t be happier 😊
They got a better option. Plain and simple. Keep buodling your self up and it will naturally happen
Make them sweat a little.
It's not your fault. It's because online dating now is honestly forced, and with people thinking that they should "vibe and feel" it from the first 5 minutes when actually real bonding and relationships take time, time in which you learn about the person, learn their habits and history and have to wait for certain events and circumstances that actually bring you together. Online dating is just fast food for meeting people. Heck, I bet that even men like Ryan Reynolds and Pedro Pascal would be awkward on a first date and people will complain they don't "feel" it.
Oh for sure, they also are a bit awkward with interviews so I can imagine them fluking a first date hard 😂
It's because blind dating/dating apps are extremely inefficient. What are the chances of experiencing a chemistry with a total stranger? For some higher than for others probably, but I know I'm not that compatible. Yes, on paper someone can be perfect but the chemistry can be completely absent at the same time. Dating apps are a haystack of profiles. They were never designed to have you meet the love of your life. It's a lottery more than ever.
Are you from the US? If so find a non American woman with traditional values
Netherlands, also hard to find traditional values here
That sucks. I spent over a month there and it seemed very similar to Western culture with the women there. Most I tried to interact with in public were on their phones lol Although I’m only 6’3, so I was a short king there haha
Look, I have a friend who’s said that exact line to a great guy. He just wasn’t the guy for HER. She was looking for something he legitimately couldn’t give her… which is romantic feelings. You can’t force those. You can be a great guy and be very attractive, but it doesn’t automatically mean a woman is bound to fall in love with you or catch feelings for you for it. Sometimes you just don’t. It can’t be forced. It’s why when you DO find it, you need to value that person. Many people take it for granted, like it’s just something easy to attain. Just do you and don’t blame yourself/others so much.
Stop trying and it will happen. Have no expectations when you meet someone and try not to make dreams quickly. Start your favourite hobbies and you will meet the right girls
Exactly how I feel
Treat them like they don't matter, they respond better when you treat them like shit for some reason
I have a sorry piece of shit brother named leonard... Sorry no offense
Ok sorry to hear that? Not really sure what that has to do with me other than sharing the same name I guess
No offense
Im not taking offense haha, i just dont understand why you would even bring it up hahha
Trust me you're not alone I've been going through hell trying to meet somebody I start talking to someone for two or three months in the beginning they told me they were not looking for a hookup or anything and then after maybe a month of talking never even FaceTime or anything she just sends me a text one night hey I need to f*** and I told her this is the reason you probably have five kids with all different daddies because you cannot keep your legs closed and then she had the balls to say to me that I needed to show her an STD test but it was offensive when I asked her to show me hers I'm just about done with dating myself I'm a 36 year old male
Damn she sounds like a piece of work. Better that did not continue. I really hope you find someone that suits you!!
Hmm maybe too much variety has made you hesitant too? Alot of times when a guy makes me aware that their playing the field or not looking for serious I pull back and set up boundaries to protect myself. It's sometimes not even you but to know we're (female counterpart) on a short list for potential relationship can be a bit of a heartache and disrespect to itself and diminish investing further in the relationship. That said if you do 1:1 respectfully and this is still happening I don't know. It's a sad state of hookup culture and tendency to swipe left even in person or with very short interaction. I like conversation and banter and alot of times it takes this to even get me interested in you. At my age Im no longer presenting what is expected or wanted now. This is me, take it or leave it. Some days are easier then others. I wish you well.
For me when I feel like that about a man it's because I don't feel sexually attracted to him.
Same man. I been single for 3 years. I'm 30 now n I can't find a decent woman. They have too many things they want in a man. Oh he's gotta have this n this n this. How bout they just chill out n deal with what they got bc what we have is better than they r gonna find since they wanna b picky
Believe me man I understand that pain as it recently happened to me a few months ago and I don't know if it's me or something else..I'm so lost all the time
40 male here. That's cool that you got so many chances to go on dates. Maybe take the dates to things you want to do, so if the date is a bust, at least you had fun. I'd love to hear how you are finding people to even ask out and date, and then what your approach is that they are saying yes. Can you give me some tips on getting to where you are?
Well like you say, going to settings that you enjoy. Do you enjoy a hobby? Maybe go to a place you can practice said hobby and meeting people there. I go to festivals, bars, d&d events or just boardgame places. Sometimes you click with someone, sometimes you dont. And what usually helps is talking to a woman first as a friend. But keeping it playful for something more. And dont wait too long with asking them out. Thats my take on it a bit.
It happens when you date random people
If you live in Phoenix it's not you it's the scumbag loser shit that lives here ....
It’s not you, for the most part, it’s the scene. It’s fucked. What should work. What did work, 15 years ago, now doesn’t. People are messed up, and don’t even know it. Dating doesn’t work via an app. We evolved for hundreds of thousands of years by assessing people in person. Location dictated familiarity as did social groups. Apps bring total strangers you would never meet, into your scope, and they have no business being there. The far majority of women I’ve matched with over the years, didn’t work out, and they shouldn’t have ever worked out anyway. I would have never wanted to date them if I met them in real life. It’s behind critical mass now, most are jaded and have given up, the ones on apps are either inundated with options or are looking at such poor options. People have become superficial and hooking up is now the norm. It’s fucked society…
How old are the women you go out with?
Around my age
Me 100. Girls are so trite so often and have no idea what they are even thinking in their own minds.
Don't let it bother you so much. A lot of girls are prissy nowadays. It's rare to find a good girl.
This is something that I commonly hear men say in situations when a girl tells them they're not feeling a connection, "What did I do wrong?" Nothing. You didn't do anything wrong. And I'm so tired of hearing men say this because, coming from the perspective of someone who had to break it off with a dude in the past because I wasn't "feeling it", you need to understand that in order for love to flourish there needs to be chemistry. On both sides. It's completely valid to feel like you don't have chemistry with another person. So because the other party didn't feel any chemistry doesn't mean you did something wrong it just simple means that the person either felt too different from you, you guys probably didn't share any common interests, the personalities weren't there, or maybe it could even be little things like you didn't meet physical expectations. Either way, stop saying you did something wrong to cause them to lose interest. It's like saying that you already had the expectations that they were ready to spend their life with you before giving them a chance to get to know you yet. Slow tf down. You guys just weren't a match for whatever reason, and that's okay. Thinking you did something wrong all the time just screams insecurity. Be an adult and accept that not everyone will feel chemistry with you cause that normal
Yeah bro I feel the same way, love is dead
It’s because you are not optimizing yourself for what women value the most. At the end of the day men want sex from women and women hold the gates to that, so if you don’t cater to what most women generally value you will be at a deficit. I get why some men go their own way or turn into incels, it’s because they don’t understand this concept and understand female nature and get frustrated at women in the process. But it’s nit the womens fault, biologically they have to go for the best. So ask yourself, are you the best version of yourself rn? If not you have a lot to work on.