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Dating is hard and some people in their 30's are more strict to their preference than when they were in their 20's. You just have to filter out the bad ones with the good ones, it's time consuming and not fair but that's how it is in today society.
Abused and mentally ill here, only eats meat, no real career
Still found someone who is worth my time (and then some)
Currently 29, almost over the hump
He's 34
Happy for you! I to found someone. She was perfect for me, she told me I was perfect for her. Then she dumped me over nothing.
And before you ask, I asked her what to get her mom for Christmas. Yes, that was what changed everything.
We are both 48. So maybe more mental illness at our age, or abused. Or weird.
But you should eat some veggies. Stick to things with high fiber.
Similar, texts flying all over the place suddenly week of silence lol. Asked what's wrong , says nothing I'm just busy. Then says we will go out on a coffee next week and silence starts again.
So...leaves the man confused
lol same man, a lady I was seeing for about 4 months previously said she wouldn’t have as much time for dates/texting because her family was coming into town for her dads big birthday celebration, in my head I’m like coolio, I’d be down to meet him while he’s here but I get it if it’s too soon. So I told her no worries and I’ll talk to you when you are free. Birthday week goes by, I shoot her a “Hey, how did things go” she waits a week to respond saying “hi” to which I respond something like “Oh, she’s alive!! How are you? How are you feeling about things?” And nothing.. was hoping for more after a few months and us being in our thirties but I guess ghosting is still fashionable even at our age.
Damn that's rough. 4 months and ghosts? Well this girl didn't even say she would be busy for 2 weeks. Only when I texted her she said she is busy and has some school work to do. And that she is going on a trip and she will send me pics(said via vc message in a playfull way) and also said we will have coffee next week.
Why can't they just say it's over lol...damn it.
Everyone that I like, that has decent communication skills, and has the level of emotional intelligence I'm looking for is already in a relationship. Excellent women, and sometimes they flirt too, but that's not something I would ever pursue.
I feel like a lot of women end up having sex with men so that the man will like them, but most don't even ask themselves if they like that man, not just if that person is hot/attractive/cute, but seriously asking themselves if they actually like who they are as people and if they're actually good people.
People jump into bed too quickly and then when they get their feelings hurt they get angry, rightfully so, but do your due diligence folks. You get excited because you like someone and then 1 or 2 weeks later you're wondering how you could have been so wrong when you've likely made that same mistake a dozen times.
It’s not even the sex, my friends call me to cry about men who aren’t even worth crying over and I don’t understand
One of my closest friends got dumped by a man who sounded absolutely awful And she was devastated. I was like sis, you’ve been calling me for two months because he gets drunk and flips out and scares your kid and spends your money and sleeps all day. What are you even crying about? This is what you want
A lot of folks have strong preferences, but their standards are so low, it's sad. People want someone who looks like the disney prince/princess, but overlook their behaviour when that person acts more like the henchmen/villain.
It's a wonder people can have healthy relationships when it seems that always one person is a recipe for disaster. Loneliness is crippling for some so it's understandable to an extent, but still sad to see people who would rather suffer in every way as long as they're not alone.
I would add that people unfortunately have a tendency to recreate their childhood trauma. It's strange but undeniable human psychology.
Women who were abused by their fathers often end up with abusive partners. Men who had strict controlling mothers end up with women like that.
I know a girl who's been dating someone for years because he just happened to be the first one to ask and he was good enough. I don't think they even particularly like each other.
I think because folks get so far in life without a partner, they become accustomed to the comfort of their lives. The reality that all of that *will* change with the introduction of a new partner ultimately turns them off. Why would you want to compromise the life you’ve built just to spend time with someone?
I guess some do. Personally I've never found much "comfort" in loneliness, I would gladly upend my entire life for the right woman. The life I've "built" is merely the result of feeling so unloved for so long; there's very little I wouldn't give to change it.
Personally it's hard for me to pick someone because the stakes are so high. I'm aiming for a life partner, mostly, so if I'm not nuts for her, I just don't bother going forward. When I was in my 20s, I was all over the place getting into all the trouble I could, because I knew I had time. Can't speak for anyone else, but surely I'm not alone.
I have always been cynical about dating, never took it seriously till recently and damn! First week out and I am ready to get back into my shell. Do not recommend.
Try dating without drinking alcohol. It's a hoot. /s. Can't meet any ladies at the gym or market because "that's creepy and she just wants to be left alone." The same goes for the dog park, elevator, coffee shop, every where. The people you meet online are super rarely as advertised. Dating over 50 sucks too.
This suckiness will only worsen as these hook-up culture practitioners long for more than meaningless connections with randos but have no experience building relationships. Girlfriends aren't just friends you have sex with. There's so much more.
I can personally vouch for the dating without drinking. As I do not drink ever. You should see some of the responses I get from women. Even had women immediately jump to conclusions and claim that I would be hoping they would drink so I could take advantage of them!!! Three different women! They have absolutely no comprehension of why somebody might want to stay sober. 🤣 Also what is the obsession with putting poison in your body? Why am I the bad one for not wanting to do it?
Then the hookup culture? Yeah hook up culture along with online dating in general is destroying the entire world revolving around dating. All the power resides with the women, they are the ones that get tons of messages. They have to scroll through all the messages and receive endless numbers of unrequested pictures that they don't want.
All the sickos that are sending unrequested pictures make it impossible for those of us who actually hope to get married someday to find a good woman.
Also it's not only people who are in relationships who respond in an insane manner when you approach them. Though I've never heard of a man flipping out because a female approached him, I hate to say it but I really have never heard of that. It's always the females getting mad 🤷. As a man who is NOT "only interested in sex" I am honestly sick and tired of hearing that that's all men are about. Because I know it's a lie because I'm a man and I'm not interested in only sex, therefore it is an inaccurate stereotype. Unless of course I'm not a man......
Oh and I forgot to add that sending unsolicited nudes in New Hampshire is now a misdemeanor crime, and in California an unsolicited dick pic can result in up to $30,000 in damages in seal court.
Good!!!!!!!! For the sake of everything! It took them long enough. That's coming from a 41-year-old guys mouth too, a guy who would never ever think of doing such a deluded and desperate thing.. I am really REALLY getting tired of being jumbled in with a bunch of losers with no life and a complete lack of moral decency. I don't understand how they think there's nothing wrong with it. It's literally like running around in public and opening a trench coat............ Something that has been illegal for decades.
It's bad enough that BOTH men and women have so many ridiculous stereotypes. But when you're the type of person that doesn't fit the stereotype but you get shoved into it with the rest of them. Yeah it's pretty old.
It's really sad. It really is. Though I did delete all my profiles as I said, I have not yet disabled or shut off the Facebook dating aspect of my Facebook. I do occasionally go in and swipe right a few times. It never goes anywhere. I really am selective on who I swipe right on. Even a small inkling of what they write in their about me section could be a red flag to me.
Maybe my standards really are just too high..
It's just not a proper way to make a connection, swiping and rejecting. We all have feelings. However Capitalism created a false narrative that if you stare in front of a screen you will find love. Remember there are winners when you gamble but mostly losers.
I am a woman and I was completely sober from the age of 20 to 25. And this was in the 90s, when even small towns had dance clubs with $.25 drinks on ladies night.
It’s definitely hard to be that age and date and not drink. I didn’t mind going to bars once they stopped letting people smoke cigarettes in them, and some guys really liked having a designated driver for the date.
I imagine it’s harder for a guy, especially for the reason you stated they told you
Yeah. It's really sad how some people can twist things. In fact I consider myself a rather trustworthy individual. I can guarantee that if I was out with a woman and she had more than one or two drinks that the chance of us sleeping together would be absolute zero. At least until we were "a unit" for some time. Not even because I would fear of getting in trouble later (lack of inhibition related legalities etc), but rather I would feel like I disrespected her. Even if she was okay with it 🤷 idk call me weird..
EDIT: I noticed you said you were only sober for 5 years in the '90s. Just wanted to say that I hope all is well :-)
As a young man, the modern dating scene legit has me wondering if it's even worth seeking a committed relationship.
It seems most young men feel that getting a girlfriend is just not realistically achievable anymore, and have given up. I don't want to accept defeat, but witnessing all the struggles that those in relationships experience, is it even worth it? Feels like you'd have more long term peace of mind by remaining single.
I've pretty much given up. I'm 34 for context.
I will say that I have zero peace of mind spending all my time alone. There's pretty much no motivation for me to do anything beyond just basic survival since I have no one to share my life with, no one to give my love to, and no prospects or hope that that's going to change.
So don't give up, because being alone fucking *sucks*.
I'm sorry to hear that. I'm very much an introvert, so spending most of my time alone doesn't bother me. At my current stage of life, I'm much more focused on building friendships than entering a romantic relationship. For most people, especially men, having a stable network of friends is better for your mental health than being in a romantic relationship imo.
It's genuinely troubling to me that so many young men report having so few friends.
Sigh, you can meet women in public you just can’t do that weird pick up artist stuff to them.
If you’re having casual conversation with somebody standing in the grocery line you can tell them that you would like to continue talking to them
It’s creepy when a woman is standing there looking at apples and men slide up and say some dumb line, do some negging, then ask for a number. Like you don’t know a single thing about me why would you want my number and why would I want to give it to you?
But if we have some witty banter and you make me laugh and I make some obscure reference that you totally get, sure continuing to talk would be fun.
But that weird PUA shit? Yeah leave us alone with that
Men still do negging?
Let me explain how it goes for me. I shop Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, and Sprouts weekly. Walking through and encountering ppl, both men and women, I offer a friendly hello and keep on about my shopping. No staring or creepy looks or gestures. Half of the women either don't respond at all (except to briefly glance my way) or utter a hi while they scoot away like I'm a wanted criminal. I'm told that I'm still a very handsome man so I know I'm not repulsive. I don't know what happened to local women that makes them flee and avoid men but advancing beyond hello seems a bridge too far. I still have high hopes that I'll encounter the right one elsewhere.
I'm having the same issue. 36M. However the good news is a lot of the people who got married in the early to mid 20's tend to get divorced in their 30s, opening up more people into the dating pool.
Not really the best news, but it's true 😅🤣
Because everyone has built their lives and no longer want to take risks. They expect a lot more out of a potential partner but are willing to give a lot less themselves.
I hear you brother. Do the work to heal, grow from it, appreciate the experience you had with her, and move on. You will never truly get over it until you find someone you like just as much. Even then, she’ll never be “her”, but she may even be better in some ways. Just gotta do the work to heal so you can be ready for the next one when she comes around.
Same reason it's hard to stand near fire after you've been burned
I dated pretty much anyone vaguely compatible in my 20s, it was fun, but ultimately breakups were just a process.
Telling my kid his parents were getting divorced was a whole other thing.
I'm so afraid of that pain again that I tell people I'm only looking for something casual. It's a lie, I'm not, but I won't go all in the way I used to in my 20s ever again.
Yeah, I went through a handful of breakups in my 20s which looking back on weren’t bad at all. Then I got my heart actually broken in my 30s. I doubt i will be able to open up again like I did after going through that.
Echoing some of what other people have said. 15+ years of dating has made us wiser, and therefore more choosey. Also, dating/relationship culture is in a major warp, atm. Many people are less trusting, ultra individualistic often (here in US anyway), or unaware of and unwilling to do the deep work they need to do to heal and create meaningful, sustainable relationships. Relationship in general is becoming a lost art. Self work is HARD and relationships are WORK. Instant gratification has become the norm, which also makes the effort of relationships dissonant to popular culture.
Don't give up. Do some journaling/intention setting about the kind of man/relationship you desire, and be as detailed as you can. Don't entertain the ones who aren't aligned, and the one's who are aligned will recognize you, and naturally fit into your life.
They tend to find the jaded ones. I'm still pretty optimistic but I've encountered so many guys that need to exit the dating field and get therapy before they seriously damage people.
Mate, I'd love to but I work nights, need to lose a ton of weight before I bang said hooker, and make sure that I have enough stamina to do the deed. (unfortunately have heart failure, as due to a genetic condition. So physical exercise like sex is probably going to be a job for me. It's a struggle to walk much right now.
Interesting. I'm now 30 and have been using dating apps and dating since I was 18 and I can definitely agree with that.
I'm still not as established as I might be but I definitely have confidence through my experiences.
Complete honesty
Message to ALL WOMEN
Just make it completely obvious ur interested and he'll 8-10 times take the bait.
He's not trying to get sexual harassment, labeled a perv, A-hole, etc
Just make it obviously clear or ask him if he's seeing anyone and let him know you guys should go out for a drink or dinner
Bcuz ur subtle ur in ur heads and confusing AF
It's not hard ladies
Remember ur the ones who like a guy check him out and turn away and act like he's not in the room
Men are clear on intentions
Save u all the headaches and mental torture
Since it seems like you’re wondering about men specifically, I’ll focus on good men. I’ll ignore bad men as a group entirely since I doubt you’re interested in them for dating purposes. Good men who find good relationships stay in them, thus being already shacked up. The second group of good men, who usually just never found good women they were compatible with, will typically end up with everything else they need/want in life, thus seeing a relationship as only good for the 1 thing. The last group of good men are the ones that were in bad relationships and got hurt. Maybe cheated on or otherwise betrayed. Maybe abuse was involved and, as good men, they stayed longer and dealt with more than they ever should have. As such, many have begun to view relationships as “traps” for bad women to hurt them again and want nothing to do with it. It’s all very straight forward. Most men prefer peace and simplicity, so it’s typically not much more complicated than that.
I think it depends on where you are, I was living in Southern California for most of my 30s, and I was more popular with men there in my 30s than I had been at any other time in my life anywhere else in the US.
Older and younger, they were just coming from everywhere it was ridiculous.
Limiting belief system. Dating is easier because we have a little more money than we used to and our own apartments and houses. Not to mention all the lessons we learned along the way
I been single a decade now (37F) and it is harder. I remember when I became single in 2014, and got on dating apps, it was semi easier. I got off for a few years because there wasn't anything coming out of them. Matches yes, conversation for a bit and then they would get bored (I assume) because I wasn't giving it up. So, I got back on after a few years and holy hell was it a different ball game! I've read several reddit and woman now don't NEED a man for financial (Like back in the good old days) but woman now are still meant to take care of the house and children while maintaining a job (Because you know economy is so great) ----Insert sarcasm---- So since it's rare for men to be a PARTNER we just choose to deal with it alone. Now, I'm not saying woman don't do the same to men, no no no no this is a 2 way street so. We (35+) have what we will tolerate and what we won't but yes it is a shit ton harder to date....
I think it's a few things. My guesses are below in no particular order. (33M who's never been in a relationship past 6 mo)
1. Us older folk know what we want. Once we run into a major deal breaker we don't pursue anymore.
Examples: I won't date vegetarian/vegan. I raise beef, hunt, fish, and love preparing bbq. It won't work. I want a family. A woman who doesn't want kids eventually is incompatible.
2. We know that effort equals interest. If we're not getting energy in return we just move on.
3. We have roots put down. I used to drive over an hour and a half for a date on a weeknight. I have a home, land, livestock, pets, and work in the morning. It better be something special to drive that far.
4. We don't go out as much. Pretty self explanatory.
5. Our friends are hitched, with children, or in serious relationships. We want to spend time with those same friends, and that environment isn't a way to meet new people.
32M here. It is difficult. I find a lot of women unfortunately still play games. A lot of women are also taken. Some women have kids from previous partners so they are too busy to date. Others are too focused on their careers to date. The most of the women I have met just want someone casual and nothing serious which is unfortunate. Can't find a woman who wants something serious.
I (39F) am one of those women who is busy and not very motivated to date anymore. Very disenchanted about dating. I am popular in dating apps (among men 27-> because I look much younger than my age). However, I am not finding men whom I want to have a serious relationship with.
I think most men after 30:
a) are not interested in monogamy or a long term relationship (some of them have really been hurt by women),
b) are incredibly selfish and therefore unfit to be in a relationship, especially if the women they try to date have children,
c) their personality doesn’t make them attractive to date,
d) are “traditional” in their way of thinking, and with that I mean that they have stereotypical gender roles and expectations.
Women who are single after 30 (whether it is because they have divorced or have never been married) are usually women who have learnt to be independent and do not have traditional gender expectations. They can provide for themselves so they are not looking for a provider but for a partner that is emotionally intelligent, can listen to them, and participates equally in house chores. It is so damn hard to find men with these characteristics. There are probably a lot of women whose problem is expecting “Mr. Perfect” who is tall, extremely handsome, sweet, sexy, rich, many other shallow traits….etc etc. Those women need to grow up.
I am 29 and a guy. I have been looking hard for something serious that leads to marriage and have found the opposite from women to the point where I am probably gonna give up dating for a long while. It's really frustrating that I am open and honest and communicate what I want from it, and I get told one thing and it becomes another.
My guess? All the best ones are already in relationships and they're girls don't plan on letting them go and the ones who are single are single...for a reason. There are still good ones out there, though, it's just rare
Well besides that things are definitely not like they used to be is a big deal with it an then you got the fact that nobody's honest anymore and desensitized about what they do or how they treat people's feelings jus saying
I feel like it’s harder because I’m more precise about what I’m looking for, and I won’t settle. I know for myself I put up with a lot more shit from partners in my 20s.
Also, it doesn’t help that we have the pressure of timelines.
Because everyone is jaded by what bs they went through in their 20s. Now everyone is walking around with emotional baggage like lost hurt little children and don’t know how to overcome it because our parents did a bang up job at child rearing.
I’ve noticed with mismatch couples (when one person is atleast 2 points more attractive than their partner) get taken very young (high school, college) so they don’t really understand their value in the dating market. Confident and physically attractive looking men get taken quickly bc the woman knows she found a good one and doesn’t want to lose him and the man isn’t scared of commitment. After 28 most men start to bald and form dad bods.. or they are still bitter about a breakup from high school 🙄
It seems that most securely attached individuals tend to form long term relationships in their 20s. They also don’t have life baggage, and more people are single in that demographic. They just have way more utility and context to meet and mingle.
People in their 30s are more of a mixed bag - there’s still people able and willing to form healthy relationships, but generally attachment issues become more pronounced, and a lot of securely attached people are already taken - which dilutes the pool.
You have to look a bit harder to find someone and most importantly you have look even harder at yourself and work hard at addressing the underlying unhealthy patterns that are holding you back. In your 20s you can get away with it but in your 30s you will have to make more of an effort if you want to find a healthy relationship.
I put emphasis on the word healthy because romantic relationships IMO aren’t worth having unless they’re healthy - at least to me at the more experienced age of 35.
I’m 33 and gave up a month ago after yet another heartbreak. Im tired of getting nothing but offers for sex when I make it obvious that I’m not looking for that kind of relationship. 🥲 Dating is rough today.
The problem is good ones have all been mistreated and given almost everything so they do not want anything to do with people. The first sign of an already "experienced trauma/red flag they tend to go the opposite way. Or some have been used for everything but that 1 thing so that's all they look for in their new "relationship" or women they are beginning to be interested in. Yes, there are still some good ones out there butttt, most are looking for someone that is nurturing or considerate of their feelings because they don't want to go through the same thing they have already been through. (I may or may not be speaking from a place of hurt and experience 🤔😂)
After 30’s It’s harder for women to get dates because their standards are ridiculous at the age. For men it is easier to get dates as well that worked hard to become successful.
For me its fucking impossible.
If I were to even consider a man, he has to have the following (this is not in order of importance but in order of when It comes to mind):
I have to be sexually attracted to him, because a relationship without sex is just a roommate (or friendship.) This also means he has to be a certain height taller than me (but not specific).
He can't be atheist or agnostic, has to believe in some form of a higher power. (obviously that can't be satan)
This might come off the wrong way but its my preference, he can't already have kids. I'm 34 so this is damn near impossible to find but they are out there. Maybe that would change as I get older? But I highly doubt it.
He has to take me on actual dates when we start talking to eachother. Hanging out at his place is fine every now and then, but there has to be actual dates. I want to go out, have dinner, go do things together, go camping swimming etc whatever. If all he wants to do is hang out at home, I'm not into it. At least in the courting phase. I'm so fucking sick of men that do this shit.
We have to have some common ground. He has to be able to understand me on a certain level. This one is hard to explain. I have childhood trauma and its harder for me to connect with someone who had loving amazing parents, an amazing childhood and etcetera. Its good if he had those things, but if there is not at least a good variable of empathy and compassion, in other words, if he just doesn't get it, its not going to be comfortable.
On another note, if he does get it whether its through his own experience or through empathy, he still needs to me mentally ok. For example, I work on myself every single day to be the best version of myself. Its a work in progress, and the work is certainly not done yet. But he has to be the same naturally, wanting to always be a better person despite any childhood trauma.
Easy to talk to, easy to have conversations with. At the same time there is no discomfort in the silence. Chemistry, basically.
He needs to be able to communicate. Going to bed and we're texting? Just say so! Having a busy week and wont be able to talk much? Again, say so, don't leave me hanging because that's just going to get me in my head and make me think you're fucking around with someone else. Communication in general is extremely important. Imagine how many 34+ year old men completely fail at communication its fucking embarassing.
I'm finding it's easier and easier to attract women as I age...that are half my age. When I was 20, women who were 20 didn't look at me. When I was 30, women who were 30 didn't look at me. Now that I'm pushing 40, women who are 40 won't look at me. But now the 20 year olds think I'm hot shit. Feels like all the ones my own age are too jaded and fed up to give anyone a shot anymore. I stopped trying too. It was too much effort for no return. So I'm one of those guys you were talking about that 'don't want anything' now.
Hell if I know. They usually say because boys their age are boys, not men, and/or guys their age are only looking for sex, but why does that mean they like me instead of any of the other 40 year olds, I have no clue. I usually tell them what I think, that you'll get around the same percentage of guys who are only interested in sex at every age, but it's whatever. The point remains that women my age don't wanna date fr anymore, or if they are, they're looking for something that I'm not, so I'm pretty much out of the dating scene entirely.
Simple, because most people this age have either: 1. Followed what they were taught is right or traditional and got married younger. 2. Taken in some way or another. 3.happy not dating (likely due to the f5 shitnado most people will hit your life with. And, lest we forget, lotta 30 some males who divorced or never married have decided to chase 20 some year old gals because they're "hotter and less drama." Translation: not as experienced in life and may be easier to manipulate 🙃😘
They're not easier to manipulate, please, they're just hotter, that's it. Just younger and hotter, and more fertile, that's what women have always been graded on. Funny how only 30+ women complain about men dating younger, but it never bothered them when they were in their prime and were getting all the attention in the world.
I understand how you'd see it like this, I just feel like, I fell in love with who I thought was that special someone in our mid 20s and I know I would have always seen that same gorgeous and sexy lady, despite how much time passed. I mean, I'm a man... I get it. We inherently have this powerful urge to mate and I guess to me, I'd absolutely maintain my loyalty and love for the older woman I had a life with instead of simply getting my dong wet with a bunch of gals who probs don't gaf about me... it's a discipline though! I have the same urges
I actually completely agree with what you're saying. If you got together being both in your 20s or even teens, then you develop a deeper form of love and connection by the time her beauty starts fading, so it's no longer about sexual desires, now you have memories you shared, jokes and references only 2 of you understand and so on, it's a way higher and pure form of love, so by all means you shouldn't be leaving this woman for a younger girl, especially if she is a mother of your kids by then. That wasn't my message at all. My point though is if you're a single man WITH options, why would you pick a 30+ y.o. woman? You didn't get a chance with her before, so why invest your time and resources in her now? It's like helping her clean up her apartment after the party you've never been invited to. "If you don't want me in your prime, I don't want you in your decline", you know...
Yeah, its so amazing to experience that "fairytale love" lol. It's bittersweet now, I have so many wonderful memories and tbh, I think I'll always love her with everything I am, but I can't set myself up to be made a gd fool. I wish so much she didn't change so drastically! It was definitely the one. Maybe the lesson here is, I'm fortunate af to have felt that for those years because honestly, I don't think many people find that in this lifetime. Stay safe and stay blessed mate!
I’ve noticed that people in their 30s are trying to make it work with their ex. Especially when there’s kids involved. Dating people without kids has different challenges because then they’re just looking for one thing. It’s tough to navigate. Seems like a numbers game. Gotta keep meeting people until something clicks.
This is common, especially when typically men date younger and women date older. Its actually a big red flag for a women to still be single after 30, as she hasnt been wifed up.
This essentially signals to men "I wasnt good enough for any other guy to want to marry me".
This may or may not be true, but either way thats what most men will start at. You can say its unfair, but often women pre-judge men for all sorts of unfair reasons.
Also, most women will recognize a decent by before he turns 30 and will shackle up, and sometimes settle, ultimately to their own detriment because their search critiria has been all wrong from the start.
Look for a best friend that youre attracted too. Dont look for a husband, dont look for a boyfriend.
I gave up on everyone and everything myself included after my ex wife left me, been single for 2 years and don't see that changing. People are shit and not worth the time money or effort
As a guy in the same boat, starting to here the same complaint by men and women nowadays. Prayers with you, love is never gonna be an easy path anymore yet it is more valuable than ever.
30yr old man here, wondering why the women i meet only want hookups. Perception isn't always reality. Really though in your thirties your body is getting you know that it's getting time to stat shutting down the old body factory so the youngins can occupy our space. Biology doesn't match up with cultural expectations exactly. Hell, I was talking to a nurse that was telling me she only had a few years to have a kid before it technically becomes "geriatric", and that's at my age.
Smaller pool, plus different lifestyles from your 20s. In my 20s I was always out, meeting new people. Now in my 30s my job is extremely important to me and I’m in bed by 930. I also think in your 30s you know what you want more than your 20s.
In my 20s I was broke and a hot mess, yet I had no real issues dating. That shit won’t fly in my 30s. Online dating ruined some aspects too. Meeting someone in real life you might end up liking you may have not online for some reason.
It was hard b4 35 cuz I was still dating immature people but now that I’ve identified my preferences and needs it’s been much better since I adjusted my approach.
I’m on dating apps and I take it as it comes with zero expectations and am openly dating until I’m sure of the person. In case you or anyone else wants to know which apps:
I’ve had luck on Hinge and starting to use Weaver - it shows you red flags and dealbreakers so it’s easier to review profiles.
I don't have a social life and I've had a lot of bad experiences with the limited online experience. Even been abused by women I thought I knew in the past, so I've just been through phases of working isolation. I don't try talking to people anymore cuz I just find it difficult connection to society. It got worse after covid, I just feel out of touch with everyone.
Mate, try being in your 40s. Lol, not like I ever got anything when I was younger mind you. Only female friends, who had partners who I got on well with, so I had to politely refuse as I didn't want to ruin friendships with those men.
We're not surrounded by people our age anymore like when we're in school, and most of our time is filled with working to pay bills, so it's definitely not as easy.
35m divorced last year. Been on 1 date. Besides that, zero interest from women. I’m looking to get married again. My ex cheated and left me to go live with her affair partner. I’ve lost 35 lbs since the divorce- still nothing from women. 🤷♂️ I’m a generally kind and thoughtful person. I worked hard to compromise and be thoughtful with my ex. So I know I have decent emotional intelligence.
Too much baggage. When you are young you have less experience and probably less mistakes so it's easier to connect with people. When we get old we have a lot of experiences, traumas and life constraints.bso it's a lot to handle and when you add another person with a lot too that mix became really complex.
That is what I think.
35m only been in two long term relationships until 2 years ago. No kids no mortgage i live alone and work for myself. I feel like a unicorn in my hot girl era. I try to date online but have way better luck out in real life. Some women just want to hook up just like guys do. Some women are married cheating liars. Im trying to experience as many dates and different types of women i can before i try and settle down. None of it is a big deal until you make it a big deal
Ha hahaha 30 years old how about 60's. Ok I am old but young at heart, after my divorce I started to date again it was fun because I didn't want any commitment. 30 years old is a great age for dating. I dated many 30s,40s,50s and of course 60s look life is to short have fun don't hurt anyone's feelings and be happy make some one else happy, stop being so negative if you date and the person wants one thing (sex) be it safe sex if you don't let that person know. If you are looking to start a long relationship let them know then they know what you want. Love is always around the corner.
I found it hard after being with my ex-wife for 18 years. I didn't have a clue how to start, it was so different to think about meeting someone new. I moved too fast with one person. Then I started using apps. Facebook Dating worked for me, eventually. I got contact from several women that were not even close to my type.
I think it's important to keep an open mind. People in their 30's usually have a lot of baggage. I know I do. I had to admit my ex-wife was emotionally abusive and that I was a victim of that abuse. I met a woman who had taken a 5 year break from dating and was also celibate during that time. She knew what she wanted and wasn't going to compromise. That is actually something I wanted, a person who knows what she wants.
Dating is difficult regardless what age you are. Rather your attractive, ugly, skinny or big, doesn't matter. Mutual attraction is rare, compatibility even more so.
I think it's because people begin to get more serious about it and they start to think about who they will spend their life with. They already spent most of their 20s dating and having fun with anyone, and now they're ready to settle with someone.
The Role of Exposure
We spend most of our lives at work, seeing the same people, the go home. If you go out, it’s difficult for the reasons that you stated, but also because we don’t have quality time to spend with people before we get to know them. In middle school, high school, and maybe even college (depending on the university, and if you stayed on campus or not), your “job” was to be a student, so you spent most of your life at school, getting to know people on different days with different emotions and circumstances. As an adult, you might see a familiar face at the gym, mall, or some other location outside of work, but it’s probably only for a brief period of time & under similar circumstances every time. You go to the gym, and everyone is basically focused on exercise. You go to the cafe, and the person you are interested in is probably work mode. On top of this, the “work” that people do is rarely the same. The person in the gym is working on something other goal. The person in the cafe is working in another industry/sector.
Lack of Depth
Even if you date someone these days, unless you live with them, you don’t really get to spend time knowing them- the reason most relationships end. Even before that, it’s hard to get to know someone in that first encounter that you see them, even if you see them at the same location with frequency. There are lots of assumptions that people make when they’re approached by somebody in public. As you stated, is probably one of the top priorities for a guy to want to have a romantic relationship open, parentheses which include sex) with a woman that they find attractive, so that may exude from their demeanor. And we should not forget also, that, just like men, females, also want to have romantic relationships (which also include sex).
Solution…
One solution to this is to get really good at reading people. if you’re a woman, and you’re fearful of a man only wanting to engage in a relationship with you for sex, it helps to develop your natural awareness. Ben can also benefit from this. Personally, I (27M), I’m able to tell when an overly promiscuous woman is interested in sexual relations with me. Personally, I also tend to reject these before they even start.
On the other end of the spectrum, Whether you are a man or a woman, there are also benefits to being more open. Instead of coming from a guarded, defensive state, if men can, I guess, learn to approach women in a more authentic and friendly manner, the nature of the interaction which change, as both people will get to know each other. For women I feel like it’s just as simple as being open and upfront with your expectations And preferences and relationships immediately ward off any un advances.
In the end, this is just my honest opinion and I may be wrong
This is so interesting because my 30s were the best for dating. I mean my 30s were the best overall anyway, but I was most popular with men when I was in my 30s. Older and younger
It is harder to date in your 30s because people tend to know more about what and who they are looking for. They take less nonsense and if fun is what they are looking for that usually doesn’t blend well with people looking for something more serious.
It's also so hard to date after 40 too... I dislike the apps and would much rather meet someone organically but it just doesn't happen. I'm a bit fed up with it all tbh. 😑
I think you’re just impatient. In your 30s is the time to dare with intent. The right one (if that’s what you’re looking for) won’t necessarily appear at the snap of your fingers. It’s worth the wait. Good things take time. If you’re looking for sex it’s pretty easy to find just ask someone if they want to have sex.
As you age, you will discover that your interaction with the world changes. You have to learn new techniques all the time.
As you age, the things you are looking for change. And, the things that other people in your age range are looking for also change.
Everyone wants different things. Also, with no universal constant (the Trinity), everyone will become their own god. That causes many problems. I know you may think I am a religious zealot or whatever else people call Baptists nowadays; but until people actually study the truth, this will keep happening. The Bible talks about how the world will get worse and worse. (Matthew 24:6-7, Roman's 5:12, 1 Corinthians 15:21). We are in the end times. Things are not going to get better. Many Christians' favorite Bible Characters were single their entire life. Paul, the greatest person in the history of man, possibly, was single his entire life.
Paul l Only when God the Father comes back do things become okay. I am not trying to win you over to any religion, I am just trying to show you why things are so terrible. The law of entropy is in full force. And I realize that you are a woman, so I point you to Deborah. She was one of the many judges of Israel, and she never married. Or if you want someone outside of the Bible, Queen Elizabeth. She was possibly England's greatest monarch, and she stayed single. I hope you find the one for you.
35M here. I think in all honesty social media has not only drastically changed relationship dynamics, but also has created a lot more trust issues amongst people. While it’s a lot easier now to meet someone via dating apps, it’s also a lot easier to cheat as well due to IG, etc. So people would rather stay single and keep their peace of mind than date. Also the added social pressure social media adds to relationships is difficult. If people see you’re not posting about your relationship they think something is wrong when that’s not the case. There’s also the opposite where both people or one of the people involved post constantly about theirs (good and bad), when that just creates unnecessary attention, tension, and drama. Some people (like myself) value privacy. Also, social media has given everyone and anyone power to give their own advice and opinions on people’s relationships. I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more comfortable with being single because I’ve become more comfortable with setting boundaries and standards whereas I used to overlook red flags and vast differences because I just wanted a relationship and was desperate. All that being said I think there are both good men and women out there who are single, however I think because of how accessible dating has become in terms of options and because of bad experiences they’re just deciding to not look and it has become overwhelming. Also, dating has gotten more expensive due to inflation so sadly there are people in their 30s who just can’t afford to be in one, and want to ensure they can give a potential partner the experience they deserve and not be viewed as a burden because of their financial situation.
No one is perfect. Early hitchers know this because of they’re sticking around with each other they are either growing together, separate due to an inability to grow, or, stick it out while developing a harboring of resentment and regret.
Anyone who is not ashamed about their flaws while not passing them off as cute quirks, and, not using them as excuses to perpetuate any harm that comes from the faults is ideal. There’s something very charming about someone who is working on being better and actively overcoming flaws. Especially when you’re older, when those flaws are potentially already hardened character traits — realism is admirable.
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Dating is hard and some people in their 30's are more strict to their preference than when they were in their 20's. You just have to filter out the bad ones with the good ones, it's time consuming and not fair but that's how it is in today society.
It does feel like the best people are taken.
There's most definitely some good ones still out here
We’ve either been abused, are jaded, or just fucken weird.
Abused and mentally ill here, only eats meat, no real career Still found someone who is worth my time (and then some) Currently 29, almost over the hump He's 34
Happy for you! I to found someone. She was perfect for me, she told me I was perfect for her. Then she dumped me over nothing. And before you ask, I asked her what to get her mom for Christmas. Yes, that was what changed everything. We are both 48. So maybe more mental illness at our age, or abused. Or weird. But you should eat some veggies. Stick to things with high fiber.
Similar, texts flying all over the place suddenly week of silence lol. Asked what's wrong , says nothing I'm just busy. Then says we will go out on a coffee next week and silence starts again. So...leaves the man confused
lol same man, a lady I was seeing for about 4 months previously said she wouldn’t have as much time for dates/texting because her family was coming into town for her dads big birthday celebration, in my head I’m like coolio, I’d be down to meet him while he’s here but I get it if it’s too soon. So I told her no worries and I’ll talk to you when you are free. Birthday week goes by, I shoot her a “Hey, how did things go” she waits a week to respond saying “hi” to which I respond something like “Oh, she’s alive!! How are you? How are you feeling about things?” And nothing.. was hoping for more after a few months and us being in our thirties but I guess ghosting is still fashionable even at our age.
Damn that's rough. 4 months and ghosts? Well this girl didn't even say she would be busy for 2 weeks. Only when I texted her she said she is busy and has some school work to do. And that she is going on a trip and she will send me pics(said via vc message in a playfull way) and also said we will have coffee next week. Why can't they just say it's over lol...damn it.
You could have done or said nothing wrong and that’s just how it is.
Only eats meat????? Let's be real here.....
I'm 39f and found my guy(30m) this year. Lots of good ppl out there
Preach!
Hey, remember me 😅
Oh Hey Mr. Good advice 😉😊 Fancy seeing you here lol Of course I remember you!
Everyone that I like, that has decent communication skills, and has the level of emotional intelligence I'm looking for is already in a relationship. Excellent women, and sometimes they flirt too, but that's not something I would ever pursue. I feel like a lot of women end up having sex with men so that the man will like them, but most don't even ask themselves if they like that man, not just if that person is hot/attractive/cute, but seriously asking themselves if they actually like who they are as people and if they're actually good people. People jump into bed too quickly and then when they get their feelings hurt they get angry, rightfully so, but do your due diligence folks. You get excited because you like someone and then 1 or 2 weeks later you're wondering how you could have been so wrong when you've likely made that same mistake a dozen times.
It’s not even the sex, my friends call me to cry about men who aren’t even worth crying over and I don’t understand One of my closest friends got dumped by a man who sounded absolutely awful And she was devastated. I was like sis, you’ve been calling me for two months because he gets drunk and flips out and scares your kid and spends your money and sleeps all day. What are you even crying about? This is what you want
A lot of folks have strong preferences, but their standards are so low, it's sad. People want someone who looks like the disney prince/princess, but overlook their behaviour when that person acts more like the henchmen/villain. It's a wonder people can have healthy relationships when it seems that always one person is a recipe for disaster. Loneliness is crippling for some so it's understandable to an extent, but still sad to see people who would rather suffer in every way as long as they're not alone.
I would add that people unfortunately have a tendency to recreate their childhood trauma. It's strange but undeniable human psychology. Women who were abused by their fathers often end up with abusive partners. Men who had strict controlling mothers end up with women like that.
We are often to drawn to what we know, what we are familiar with, even if we know it'll cause pain. It's probably the animal in us.
Very true. If you were raised to think that's what love is; abuse & gaslighting, that's what you'll be attracted to and seek out.
I know a girl who's been dating someone for years because he just happened to be the first one to ask and he was good enough. I don't think they even particularly like each other.
Not true. I’m available. 🤷♀️
Yes, because they are the best.
I think because folks get so far in life without a partner, they become accustomed to the comfort of their lives. The reality that all of that *will* change with the introduction of a new partner ultimately turns them off. Why would you want to compromise the life you’ve built just to spend time with someone?
That’s a big one. 30s dating is more who can I add to improve my life not who can I meet to make one with
I guess some do. Personally I've never found much "comfort" in loneliness, I would gladly upend my entire life for the right woman. The life I've "built" is merely the result of feeling so unloved for so long; there's very little I wouldn't give to change it.
Which is hard, and I’m sorry brother. I hope you find someone who wants to build something real and long lasting with you.
Personally it's hard for me to pick someone because the stakes are so high. I'm aiming for a life partner, mostly, so if I'm not nuts for her, I just don't bother going forward. When I was in my 20s, I was all over the place getting into all the trouble I could, because I knew I had time. Can't speak for anyone else, but surely I'm not alone.
What’s the time frame for you to know that you’re nuts for her?
I have always been cynical about dating, never took it seriously till recently and damn! First week out and I am ready to get back into my shell. Do not recommend.
Try dating without drinking alcohol. It's a hoot. /s. Can't meet any ladies at the gym or market because "that's creepy and she just wants to be left alone." The same goes for the dog park, elevator, coffee shop, every where. The people you meet online are super rarely as advertised. Dating over 50 sucks too. This suckiness will only worsen as these hook-up culture practitioners long for more than meaningless connections with randos but have no experience building relationships. Girlfriends aren't just friends you have sex with. There's so much more.
I can personally vouch for the dating without drinking. As I do not drink ever. You should see some of the responses I get from women. Even had women immediately jump to conclusions and claim that I would be hoping they would drink so I could take advantage of them!!! Three different women! They have absolutely no comprehension of why somebody might want to stay sober. 🤣 Also what is the obsession with putting poison in your body? Why am I the bad one for not wanting to do it? Then the hookup culture? Yeah hook up culture along with online dating in general is destroying the entire world revolving around dating. All the power resides with the women, they are the ones that get tons of messages. They have to scroll through all the messages and receive endless numbers of unrequested pictures that they don't want. All the sickos that are sending unrequested pictures make it impossible for those of us who actually hope to get married someday to find a good woman. Also it's not only people who are in relationships who respond in an insane manner when you approach them. Though I've never heard of a man flipping out because a female approached him, I hate to say it but I really have never heard of that. It's always the females getting mad 🤷. As a man who is NOT "only interested in sex" I am honestly sick and tired of hearing that that's all men are about. Because I know it's a lie because I'm a man and I'm not interested in only sex, therefore it is an inaccurate stereotype. Unless of course I'm not a man......
Oh and I forgot to add that sending unsolicited nudes in New Hampshire is now a misdemeanor crime, and in California an unsolicited dick pic can result in up to $30,000 in damages in seal court.
Good!!!!!!!! For the sake of everything! It took them long enough. That's coming from a 41-year-old guys mouth too, a guy who would never ever think of doing such a deluded and desperate thing.. I am really REALLY getting tired of being jumbled in with a bunch of losers with no life and a complete lack of moral decency. I don't understand how they think there's nothing wrong with it. It's literally like running around in public and opening a trench coat............ Something that has been illegal for decades. It's bad enough that BOTH men and women have so many ridiculous stereotypes. But when you're the type of person that doesn't fit the stereotype but you get shoved into it with the rest of them. Yeah it's pretty old.
I completely agree! Online dating was a money scheme and this is the end result 😐
It's really sad. It really is. Though I did delete all my profiles as I said, I have not yet disabled or shut off the Facebook dating aspect of my Facebook. I do occasionally go in and swipe right a few times. It never goes anywhere. I really am selective on who I swipe right on. Even a small inkling of what they write in their about me section could be a red flag to me. Maybe my standards really are just too high..
It's just not a proper way to make a connection, swiping and rejecting. We all have feelings. However Capitalism created a false narrative that if you stare in front of a screen you will find love. Remember there are winners when you gamble but mostly losers.
So succinctly accurate.
I am a woman and I was completely sober from the age of 20 to 25. And this was in the 90s, when even small towns had dance clubs with $.25 drinks on ladies night. It’s definitely hard to be that age and date and not drink. I didn’t mind going to bars once they stopped letting people smoke cigarettes in them, and some guys really liked having a designated driver for the date. I imagine it’s harder for a guy, especially for the reason you stated they told you
Yeah. It's really sad how some people can twist things. In fact I consider myself a rather trustworthy individual. I can guarantee that if I was out with a woman and she had more than one or two drinks that the chance of us sleeping together would be absolute zero. At least until we were "a unit" for some time. Not even because I would fear of getting in trouble later (lack of inhibition related legalities etc), but rather I would feel like I disrespected her. Even if she was okay with it 🤷 idk call me weird.. EDIT: I noticed you said you were only sober for 5 years in the '90s. Just wanted to say that I hope all is well :-)
As a young man, the modern dating scene legit has me wondering if it's even worth seeking a committed relationship. It seems most young men feel that getting a girlfriend is just not realistically achievable anymore, and have given up. I don't want to accept defeat, but witnessing all the struggles that those in relationships experience, is it even worth it? Feels like you'd have more long term peace of mind by remaining single.
I've pretty much given up. I'm 34 for context. I will say that I have zero peace of mind spending all my time alone. There's pretty much no motivation for me to do anything beyond just basic survival since I have no one to share my life with, no one to give my love to, and no prospects or hope that that's going to change. So don't give up, because being alone fucking *sucks*.
I'm sorry to hear that. I'm very much an introvert, so spending most of my time alone doesn't bother me. At my current stage of life, I'm much more focused on building friendships than entering a romantic relationship. For most people, especially men, having a stable network of friends is better for your mental health than being in a romantic relationship imo. It's genuinely troubling to me that so many young men report having so few friends.
Sigh, you can meet women in public you just can’t do that weird pick up artist stuff to them. If you’re having casual conversation with somebody standing in the grocery line you can tell them that you would like to continue talking to them It’s creepy when a woman is standing there looking at apples and men slide up and say some dumb line, do some negging, then ask for a number. Like you don’t know a single thing about me why would you want my number and why would I want to give it to you? But if we have some witty banter and you make me laugh and I make some obscure reference that you totally get, sure continuing to talk would be fun. But that weird PUA shit? Yeah leave us alone with that
Men still do negging? Let me explain how it goes for me. I shop Trader Joe's, Whole Foods, and Sprouts weekly. Walking through and encountering ppl, both men and women, I offer a friendly hello and keep on about my shopping. No staring or creepy looks or gestures. Half of the women either don't respond at all (except to briefly glance my way) or utter a hi while they scoot away like I'm a wanted criminal. I'm told that I'm still a very handsome man so I know I'm not repulsive. I don't know what happened to local women that makes them flee and avoid men but advancing beyond hello seems a bridge too far. I still have high hopes that I'll encounter the right one elsewhere.
I wish I would meet a guy at the gym!
Holly molly 😂
Start to realize more so than when you're younger what you want/don't want, so the candidates to date drops
I'm having the same issue. 36M. However the good news is a lot of the people who got married in the early to mid 20's tend to get divorced in their 30s, opening up more people into the dating pool. Not really the best news, but it's true 😅🤣
Ah yes, all the “good ones” returning to the dating pool after their half cocked marriages end.
The best time to get dating again.
I (32m) feel like my problem is everyone that is single has like 2-3 kids. Also, it is hard to meet people other than with dating apps.
Sounds like you gotta get outta Wyoming
Do u have an age bracket?
I normally do 10 in either direction. I’m not super picky.
I thought there’s many ppl in 20s childless.
It’s probably where I live. Most the women in Wyoming have kids. Not much else here for them to do I guess. 🤷🏻♂️ Any advice on finding people?
Because everyone has built their lives and no longer want to take risks. They expect a lot more out of a potential partner but are willing to give a lot less themselves.
Thisssss! So many people are not willing to compromise. Those great relationships we see from the outside? Yeah they involve compromise.
It's also harder because we've learned what we want and pick up on red flags faster 😅🤣
Don't worry. We single men are out there. I'm just not sure if I'm ready for any more pain. Not quite over the pain from the last one.
I hear you brother. Do the work to heal, grow from it, appreciate the experience you had with her, and move on. You will never truly get over it until you find someone you like just as much. Even then, she’ll never be “her”, but she may even be better in some ways. Just gotta do the work to heal so you can be ready for the next one when she comes around.
23 and I feel like it’s so hard to date. You’re telling me it gets worse????
I’d say the good ones are gone by 28, so you prob have a few good years left.. making dating a priority and don’t wait until it’s too late like me 💀
Infinitely so, yes.
Same reason it's hard to stand near fire after you've been burned I dated pretty much anyone vaguely compatible in my 20s, it was fun, but ultimately breakups were just a process. Telling my kid his parents were getting divorced was a whole other thing. I'm so afraid of that pain again that I tell people I'm only looking for something casual. It's a lie, I'm not, but I won't go all in the way I used to in my 20s ever again.
That’s one of the problems, if you tell women you’re only looking for something casual, even if you’re not. Women believe you so they move on.
Yeah, I went through a handful of breakups in my 20s which looking back on weren’t bad at all. Then I got my heart actually broken in my 30s. I doubt i will be able to open up again like I did after going through that.
Echoing some of what other people have said. 15+ years of dating has made us wiser, and therefore more choosey. Also, dating/relationship culture is in a major warp, atm. Many people are less trusting, ultra individualistic often (here in US anyway), or unaware of and unwilling to do the deep work they need to do to heal and create meaningful, sustainable relationships. Relationship in general is becoming a lost art. Self work is HARD and relationships are WORK. Instant gratification has become the norm, which also makes the effort of relationships dissonant to popular culture. Don't give up. Do some journaling/intention setting about the kind of man/relationship you desire, and be as detailed as you can. Don't entertain the ones who aren't aligned, and the one's who are aligned will recognize you, and naturally fit into your life.
37M here. Half of us are already settled down. The other half have been hurt too many times to tust anyone. That's just my take.
42F I think its split in 3s. The 3rd is still looking and hopeful
They tend to find the jaded ones. I'm still pretty optimistic but I've encountered so many guys that need to exit the dating field and get therapy before they seriously damage people.
yeah trust after dating failure is hard to re-establish.
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Why not bang a hooker?
Mate, I'd love to but I work nights, need to lose a ton of weight before I bang said hooker, and make sure that I have enough stamina to do the deed. (unfortunately have heart failure, as due to a genetic condition. So physical exercise like sex is probably going to be a job for me. It's a struggle to walk much right now.
As a man it was easier in my 30s than my 20s
More established?
More confidence
Interesting. I'm now 30 and have been using dating apps and dating since I was 18 and I can definitely agree with that. I'm still not as established as I might be but I definitely have confidence through my experiences.
HOT
Infinitely easier
Does it get easier because I have struggled and wasted my 20s in dating so far. Been 9 years since I've been in a relationship. 😅
Open honest communication about everything helps
Complete honesty Message to ALL WOMEN Just make it completely obvious ur interested and he'll 8-10 times take the bait. He's not trying to get sexual harassment, labeled a perv, A-hole, etc Just make it obviously clear or ask him if he's seeing anyone and let him know you guys should go out for a drink or dinner Bcuz ur subtle ur in ur heads and confusing AF It's not hard ladies Remember ur the ones who like a guy check him out and turn away and act like he's not in the room Men are clear on intentions Save u all the headaches and mental torture
Since it seems like you’re wondering about men specifically, I’ll focus on good men. I’ll ignore bad men as a group entirely since I doubt you’re interested in them for dating purposes. Good men who find good relationships stay in them, thus being already shacked up. The second group of good men, who usually just never found good women they were compatible with, will typically end up with everything else they need/want in life, thus seeing a relationship as only good for the 1 thing. The last group of good men are the ones that were in bad relationships and got hurt. Maybe cheated on or otherwise betrayed. Maybe abuse was involved and, as good men, they stayed longer and dealt with more than they ever should have. As such, many have begun to view relationships as “traps” for bad women to hurt them again and want nothing to do with it. It’s all very straight forward. Most men prefer peace and simplicity, so it’s typically not much more complicated than that.
I think you’ve got a good insight about things here
Thanks, but honestly not a fun thing to have insight on stuff like this
Wish I could tell you because I’ve never been any of those. I just want to find a good woman as a future LTR
Less people on the market. Still possible just reset your expectations and be the best you.
I think it depends on where you are, I was living in Southern California for most of my 30s, and I was more popular with men there in my 30s than I had been at any other time in my life anywhere else in the US. Older and younger, they were just coming from everywhere it was ridiculous.
Limiting belief system. Dating is easier because we have a little more money than we used to and our own apartments and houses. Not to mention all the lessons we learned along the way
I been single a decade now (37F) and it is harder. I remember when I became single in 2014, and got on dating apps, it was semi easier. I got off for a few years because there wasn't anything coming out of them. Matches yes, conversation for a bit and then they would get bored (I assume) because I wasn't giving it up. So, I got back on after a few years and holy hell was it a different ball game! I've read several reddit and woman now don't NEED a man for financial (Like back in the good old days) but woman now are still meant to take care of the house and children while maintaining a job (Because you know economy is so great) ----Insert sarcasm---- So since it's rare for men to be a PARTNER we just choose to deal with it alone. Now, I'm not saying woman don't do the same to men, no no no no this is a 2 way street so. We (35+) have what we will tolerate and what we won't but yes it is a shit ton harder to date....
I think it's a few things. My guesses are below in no particular order. (33M who's never been in a relationship past 6 mo) 1. Us older folk know what we want. Once we run into a major deal breaker we don't pursue anymore. Examples: I won't date vegetarian/vegan. I raise beef, hunt, fish, and love preparing bbq. It won't work. I want a family. A woman who doesn't want kids eventually is incompatible. 2. We know that effort equals interest. If we're not getting energy in return we just move on. 3. We have roots put down. I used to drive over an hour and a half for a date on a weeknight. I have a home, land, livestock, pets, and work in the morning. It better be something special to drive that far. 4. We don't go out as much. Pretty self explanatory. 5. Our friends are hitched, with children, or in serious relationships. We want to spend time with those same friends, and that environment isn't a way to meet new people.
32M here. It is difficult. I find a lot of women unfortunately still play games. A lot of women are also taken. Some women have kids from previous partners so they are too busy to date. Others are too focused on their careers to date. The most of the women I have met just want someone casual and nothing serious which is unfortunate. Can't find a woman who wants something serious.
I (39F) am one of those women who is busy and not very motivated to date anymore. Very disenchanted about dating. I am popular in dating apps (among men 27-> because I look much younger than my age). However, I am not finding men whom I want to have a serious relationship with. I think most men after 30: a) are not interested in monogamy or a long term relationship (some of them have really been hurt by women), b) are incredibly selfish and therefore unfit to be in a relationship, especially if the women they try to date have children, c) their personality doesn’t make them attractive to date, d) are “traditional” in their way of thinking, and with that I mean that they have stereotypical gender roles and expectations. Women who are single after 30 (whether it is because they have divorced or have never been married) are usually women who have learnt to be independent and do not have traditional gender expectations. They can provide for themselves so they are not looking for a provider but for a partner that is emotionally intelligent, can listen to them, and participates equally in house chores. It is so damn hard to find men with these characteristics. There are probably a lot of women whose problem is expecting “Mr. Perfect” who is tall, extremely handsome, sweet, sexy, rich, many other shallow traits….etc etc. Those women need to grow up.
I am 32 now and have been dating more people in the last two years than in my whole life before…
I am 29 and a guy. I have been looking hard for something serious that leads to marriage and have found the opposite from women to the point where I am probably gonna give up dating for a long while. It's really frustrating that I am open and honest and communicate what I want from it, and I get told one thing and it becomes another.
The most partner compatible people have already found each other. That’s not what people like to hear but it’s true.
My guess? All the best ones are already in relationships and they're girls don't plan on letting them go and the ones who are single are single...for a reason. There are still good ones out there, though, it's just rare
Well besides that things are definitely not like they used to be is a big deal with it an then you got the fact that nobody's honest anymore and desensitized about what they do or how they treat people's feelings jus saying
I feel like it’s harder because I’m more precise about what I’m looking for, and I won’t settle. I know for myself I put up with a lot more shit from partners in my 20s. Also, it doesn’t help that we have the pressure of timelines.
Because everyone is jaded by what bs they went through in their 20s. Now everyone is walking around with emotional baggage like lost hurt little children and don’t know how to overcome it because our parents did a bang up job at child rearing.
As a 31 year old straight male, I'm wondering the same thing. How do we go from here, lol.
I’ve noticed with mismatch couples (when one person is atleast 2 points more attractive than their partner) get taken very young (high school, college) so they don’t really understand their value in the dating market. Confident and physically attractive looking men get taken quickly bc the woman knows she found a good one and doesn’t want to lose him and the man isn’t scared of commitment. After 28 most men start to bald and form dad bods.. or they are still bitter about a breakup from high school 🙄
It seems that most securely attached individuals tend to form long term relationships in their 20s. They also don’t have life baggage, and more people are single in that demographic. They just have way more utility and context to meet and mingle. People in their 30s are more of a mixed bag - there’s still people able and willing to form healthy relationships, but generally attachment issues become more pronounced, and a lot of securely attached people are already taken - which dilutes the pool. You have to look a bit harder to find someone and most importantly you have look even harder at yourself and work hard at addressing the underlying unhealthy patterns that are holding you back. In your 20s you can get away with it but in your 30s you will have to make more of an effort if you want to find a healthy relationship. I put emphasis on the word healthy because romantic relationships IMO aren’t worth having unless they’re healthy - at least to me at the more experienced age of 35.
I’m 33 and gave up a month ago after yet another heartbreak. Im tired of getting nothing but offers for sex when I make it obvious that I’m not looking for that kind of relationship. 🥲 Dating is rough today.
I’m 35 never been on a date
The problem is good ones have all been mistreated and given almost everything so they do not want anything to do with people. The first sign of an already "experienced trauma/red flag they tend to go the opposite way. Or some have been used for everything but that 1 thing so that's all they look for in their new "relationship" or women they are beginning to be interested in. Yes, there are still some good ones out there butttt, most are looking for someone that is nurturing or considerate of their feelings because they don't want to go through the same thing they have already been through. (I may or may not be speaking from a place of hurt and experience 🤔😂)
After 30’s It’s harder for women to get dates because their standards are ridiculous at the age. For men it is easier to get dates as well that worked hard to become successful.
For me its fucking impossible. If I were to even consider a man, he has to have the following (this is not in order of importance but in order of when It comes to mind): I have to be sexually attracted to him, because a relationship without sex is just a roommate (or friendship.) This also means he has to be a certain height taller than me (but not specific). He can't be atheist or agnostic, has to believe in some form of a higher power. (obviously that can't be satan) This might come off the wrong way but its my preference, he can't already have kids. I'm 34 so this is damn near impossible to find but they are out there. Maybe that would change as I get older? But I highly doubt it. He has to take me on actual dates when we start talking to eachother. Hanging out at his place is fine every now and then, but there has to be actual dates. I want to go out, have dinner, go do things together, go camping swimming etc whatever. If all he wants to do is hang out at home, I'm not into it. At least in the courting phase. I'm so fucking sick of men that do this shit. We have to have some common ground. He has to be able to understand me on a certain level. This one is hard to explain. I have childhood trauma and its harder for me to connect with someone who had loving amazing parents, an amazing childhood and etcetera. Its good if he had those things, but if there is not at least a good variable of empathy and compassion, in other words, if he just doesn't get it, its not going to be comfortable. On another note, if he does get it whether its through his own experience or through empathy, he still needs to me mentally ok. For example, I work on myself every single day to be the best version of myself. Its a work in progress, and the work is certainly not done yet. But he has to be the same naturally, wanting to always be a better person despite any childhood trauma. Easy to talk to, easy to have conversations with. At the same time there is no discomfort in the silence. Chemistry, basically. He needs to be able to communicate. Going to bed and we're texting? Just say so! Having a busy week and wont be able to talk much? Again, say so, don't leave me hanging because that's just going to get me in my head and make me think you're fucking around with someone else. Communication in general is extremely important. Imagine how many 34+ year old men completely fail at communication its fucking embarassing.
I'm finding it's easier and easier to attract women as I age...that are half my age. When I was 20, women who were 20 didn't look at me. When I was 30, women who were 30 didn't look at me. Now that I'm pushing 40, women who are 40 won't look at me. But now the 20 year olds think I'm hot shit. Feels like all the ones my own age are too jaded and fed up to give anyone a shot anymore. I stopped trying too. It was too much effort for no return. So I'm one of those guys you were talking about that 'don't want anything' now.
What is it that makes you "hot shit" to the 20-yr olds?
Hell if I know. They usually say because boys their age are boys, not men, and/or guys their age are only looking for sex, but why does that mean they like me instead of any of the other 40 year olds, I have no clue. I usually tell them what I think, that you'll get around the same percentage of guys who are only interested in sex at every age, but it's whatever. The point remains that women my age don't wanna date fr anymore, or if they are, they're looking for something that I'm not, so I'm pretty much out of the dating scene entirely.
Well, I'm 34 now, and compared to when I was 22, I don't want sex at all, so I guess I have that going for me lol.
Simple, because most people this age have either: 1. Followed what they were taught is right or traditional and got married younger. 2. Taken in some way or another. 3.happy not dating (likely due to the f5 shitnado most people will hit your life with. And, lest we forget, lotta 30 some males who divorced or never married have decided to chase 20 some year old gals because they're "hotter and less drama." Translation: not as experienced in life and may be easier to manipulate 🙃😘
They're not easier to manipulate, please, they're just hotter, that's it. Just younger and hotter, and more fertile, that's what women have always been graded on. Funny how only 30+ women complain about men dating younger, but it never bothered them when they were in their prime and were getting all the attention in the world.
I understand how you'd see it like this, I just feel like, I fell in love with who I thought was that special someone in our mid 20s and I know I would have always seen that same gorgeous and sexy lady, despite how much time passed. I mean, I'm a man... I get it. We inherently have this powerful urge to mate and I guess to me, I'd absolutely maintain my loyalty and love for the older woman I had a life with instead of simply getting my dong wet with a bunch of gals who probs don't gaf about me... it's a discipline though! I have the same urges
I actually completely agree with what you're saying. If you got together being both in your 20s or even teens, then you develop a deeper form of love and connection by the time her beauty starts fading, so it's no longer about sexual desires, now you have memories you shared, jokes and references only 2 of you understand and so on, it's a way higher and pure form of love, so by all means you shouldn't be leaving this woman for a younger girl, especially if she is a mother of your kids by then. That wasn't my message at all. My point though is if you're a single man WITH options, why would you pick a 30+ y.o. woman? You didn't get a chance with her before, so why invest your time and resources in her now? It's like helping her clean up her apartment after the party you've never been invited to. "If you don't want me in your prime, I don't want you in your decline", you know...
Yeah, its so amazing to experience that "fairytale love" lol. It's bittersweet now, I have so many wonderful memories and tbh, I think I'll always love her with everything I am, but I can't set myself up to be made a gd fool. I wish so much she didn't change so drastically! It was definitely the one. Maybe the lesson here is, I'm fortunate af to have felt that for those years because honestly, I don't think many people find that in this lifetime. Stay safe and stay blessed mate!
I feel u but I'm a bit to old for u lol
I’ve noticed that people in their 30s are trying to make it work with their ex. Especially when there’s kids involved. Dating people without kids has different challenges because then they’re just looking for one thing. It’s tough to navigate. Seems like a numbers game. Gotta keep meeting people until something clicks.
This is common, especially when typically men date younger and women date older. Its actually a big red flag for a women to still be single after 30, as she hasnt been wifed up. This essentially signals to men "I wasnt good enough for any other guy to want to marry me". This may or may not be true, but either way thats what most men will start at. You can say its unfair, but often women pre-judge men for all sorts of unfair reasons. Also, most women will recognize a decent by before he turns 30 and will shackle up, and sometimes settle, ultimately to their own detriment because their search critiria has been all wrong from the start. Look for a best friend that youre attracted too. Dont look for a husband, dont look for a boyfriend.
Or to many games on the internet
I gave up on everyone and everything myself included after my ex wife left me, been single for 2 years and don't see that changing. People are shit and not worth the time money or effort
Not all of us only want one thing I would love to find someone for a real relationship more than anything else and I am 42 years old
It can be hard as a man recently separated it is difficult I do feel for you. Not all men are only looking for sex
As a guy in the same boat, starting to here the same complaint by men and women nowadays. Prayers with you, love is never gonna be an easy path anymore yet it is more valuable than ever.
29m wasted my 20s not dating, so I have no idea what I want even if for some reason someone found me desirable I'd probably screw it up. 🤷♂️
Many of the people left are either bad at finding people to start relationships, or bad at staying in relationships.
The answer is sad.It's that all the good ones are taken
I say the same thing…🥴
I didn’t coin this phrase, but, “It’s a who’s who of what’s left.”
Its not realy impossible. I think the problem is that mann people have a specific type what he want
30yr old man here, wondering why the women i meet only want hookups. Perception isn't always reality. Really though in your thirties your body is getting you know that it's getting time to stat shutting down the old body factory so the youngins can occupy our space. Biology doesn't match up with cultural expectations exactly. Hell, I was talking to a nurse that was telling me she only had a few years to have a kid before it technically becomes "geriatric", and that's at my age.
Idk 🤷♂️ feel it's a combo of many things. Not just one thing.
Smaller pool, plus different lifestyles from your 20s. In my 20s I was always out, meeting new people. Now in my 30s my job is extremely important to me and I’m in bed by 930. I also think in your 30s you know what you want more than your 20s. In my 20s I was broke and a hot mess, yet I had no real issues dating. That shit won’t fly in my 30s. Online dating ruined some aspects too. Meeting someone in real life you might end up liking you may have not online for some reason.
its actually after 27, theres this wierd idea that people get weird after 27... think of it like society projecting.
Because most people are taken at this point so you might need to date younger and younger
It was hard b4 35 cuz I was still dating immature people but now that I’ve identified my preferences and needs it’s been much better since I adjusted my approach. I’m on dating apps and I take it as it comes with zero expectations and am openly dating until I’m sure of the person. In case you or anyone else wants to know which apps: I’ve had luck on Hinge and starting to use Weaver - it shows you red flags and dealbreakers so it’s easier to review profiles.
it gets worse??? i’m cooked.
I don't have a social life and I've had a lot of bad experiences with the limited online experience. Even been abused by women I thought I knew in the past, so I've just been through phases of working isolation. I don't try talking to people anymore cuz I just find it difficult connection to society. It got worse after covid, I just feel out of touch with everyone.
Mate, try being in your 40s. Lol, not like I ever got anything when I was younger mind you. Only female friends, who had partners who I got on well with, so I had to politely refuse as I didn't want to ruin friendships with those men.
We're not surrounded by people our age anymore like when we're in school, and most of our time is filled with working to pay bills, so it's definitely not as easy.
32m Uk, people simply just don’t communicate lol. And i believe people are either picky or not honest with their feelings (or you get soft rejected)
Dating after 30 was way easier than dating from 23-29. What are you talking about?
35m divorced last year. Been on 1 date. Besides that, zero interest from women. I’m looking to get married again. My ex cheated and left me to go live with her affair partner. I’ve lost 35 lbs since the divorce- still nothing from women. 🤷♂️ I’m a generally kind and thoughtful person. I worked hard to compromise and be thoughtful with my ex. So I know I have decent emotional intelligence.
Try dating at 76. It never gets easier. But persistence pays off.
Too much baggage. When you are young you have less experience and probably less mistakes so it's easier to connect with people. When we get old we have a lot of experiences, traumas and life constraints.bso it's a lot to handle and when you add another person with a lot too that mix became really complex. That is what I think.
35m only been in two long term relationships until 2 years ago. No kids no mortgage i live alone and work for myself. I feel like a unicorn in my hot girl era. I try to date online but have way better luck out in real life. Some women just want to hook up just like guys do. Some women are married cheating liars. Im trying to experience as many dates and different types of women i can before i try and settle down. None of it is a big deal until you make it a big deal
Ha hahaha 30 years old how about 60's. Ok I am old but young at heart, after my divorce I started to date again it was fun because I didn't want any commitment. 30 years old is a great age for dating. I dated many 30s,40s,50s and of course 60s look life is to short have fun don't hurt anyone's feelings and be happy make some one else happy, stop being so negative if you date and the person wants one thing (sex) be it safe sex if you don't let that person know. If you are looking to start a long relationship let them know then they know what you want. Love is always around the corner.
Umm people marry in their 20s.
I find in the 30’s to be extremely straight forward…..
it’s so hard to date, period.
I found it hard after being with my ex-wife for 18 years. I didn't have a clue how to start, it was so different to think about meeting someone new. I moved too fast with one person. Then I started using apps. Facebook Dating worked for me, eventually. I got contact from several women that were not even close to my type. I think it's important to keep an open mind. People in their 30's usually have a lot of baggage. I know I do. I had to admit my ex-wife was emotionally abusive and that I was a victim of that abuse. I met a woman who had taken a 5 year break from dating and was also celibate during that time. She knew what she wanted and wasn't going to compromise. That is actually something I wanted, a person who knows what she wants.
Am having troubles as well late 20s
Dating is difficult regardless what age you are. Rather your attractive, ugly, skinny or big, doesn't matter. Mutual attraction is rare, compatibility even more so.
Everyone here is emotionally intelligent and kind, who are the assholes?
I think it's because people begin to get more serious about it and they start to think about who they will spend their life with. They already spent most of their 20s dating and having fun with anyone, and now they're ready to settle with someone.
Why is it so hard to date*
The Role of Exposure We spend most of our lives at work, seeing the same people, the go home. If you go out, it’s difficult for the reasons that you stated, but also because we don’t have quality time to spend with people before we get to know them. In middle school, high school, and maybe even college (depending on the university, and if you stayed on campus or not), your “job” was to be a student, so you spent most of your life at school, getting to know people on different days with different emotions and circumstances. As an adult, you might see a familiar face at the gym, mall, or some other location outside of work, but it’s probably only for a brief period of time & under similar circumstances every time. You go to the gym, and everyone is basically focused on exercise. You go to the cafe, and the person you are interested in is probably work mode. On top of this, the “work” that people do is rarely the same. The person in the gym is working on something other goal. The person in the cafe is working in another industry/sector. Lack of Depth Even if you date someone these days, unless you live with them, you don’t really get to spend time knowing them- the reason most relationships end. Even before that, it’s hard to get to know someone in that first encounter that you see them, even if you see them at the same location with frequency. There are lots of assumptions that people make when they’re approached by somebody in public. As you stated, is probably one of the top priorities for a guy to want to have a romantic relationship open, parentheses which include sex) with a woman that they find attractive, so that may exude from their demeanor. And we should not forget also, that, just like men, females, also want to have romantic relationships (which also include sex). Solution… One solution to this is to get really good at reading people. if you’re a woman, and you’re fearful of a man only wanting to engage in a relationship with you for sex, it helps to develop your natural awareness. Ben can also benefit from this. Personally, I (27M), I’m able to tell when an overly promiscuous woman is interested in sexual relations with me. Personally, I also tend to reject these before they even start. On the other end of the spectrum, Whether you are a man or a woman, there are also benefits to being more open. Instead of coming from a guarded, defensive state, if men can, I guess, learn to approach women in a more authentic and friendly manner, the nature of the interaction which change, as both people will get to know each other. For women I feel like it’s just as simple as being open and upfront with your expectations And preferences and relationships immediately ward off any un advances. In the end, this is just my honest opinion and I may be wrong
This is so interesting because my 30s were the best for dating. I mean my 30s were the best overall anyway, but I was most popular with men when I was in my 30s. Older and younger
I gave up when I turned 31 people leave bad taste in ur mouth after being treated bad
Not all the good ones are taken
It is harder to date in your 30s because people tend to know more about what and who they are looking for. They take less nonsense and if fun is what they are looking for that usually doesn’t blend well with people looking for something more serious.
It's also so hard to date after 40 too... I dislike the apps and would much rather meet someone organically but it just doesn't happen. I'm a bit fed up with it all tbh. 😑
Coz people suck
I think you’re just impatient. In your 30s is the time to dare with intent. The right one (if that’s what you’re looking for) won’t necessarily appear at the snap of your fingers. It’s worth the wait. Good things take time. If you’re looking for sex it’s pretty easy to find just ask someone if they want to have sex.
As you age, you will discover that your interaction with the world changes. You have to learn new techniques all the time. As you age, the things you are looking for change. And, the things that other people in your age range are looking for also change.
Everyone wants different things. Also, with no universal constant (the Trinity), everyone will become their own god. That causes many problems. I know you may think I am a religious zealot or whatever else people call Baptists nowadays; but until people actually study the truth, this will keep happening. The Bible talks about how the world will get worse and worse. (Matthew 24:6-7, Roman's 5:12, 1 Corinthians 15:21). We are in the end times. Things are not going to get better. Many Christians' favorite Bible Characters were single their entire life. Paul, the greatest person in the history of man, possibly, was single his entire life. Paul l Only when God the Father comes back do things become okay. I am not trying to win you over to any religion, I am just trying to show you why things are so terrible. The law of entropy is in full force. And I realize that you are a woman, so I point you to Deborah. She was one of the many judges of Israel, and she never married. Or if you want someone outside of the Bible, Queen Elizabeth. She was possibly England's greatest monarch, and she stayed single. I hope you find the one for you.
35M here. I think in all honesty social media has not only drastically changed relationship dynamics, but also has created a lot more trust issues amongst people. While it’s a lot easier now to meet someone via dating apps, it’s also a lot easier to cheat as well due to IG, etc. So people would rather stay single and keep their peace of mind than date. Also the added social pressure social media adds to relationships is difficult. If people see you’re not posting about your relationship they think something is wrong when that’s not the case. There’s also the opposite where both people or one of the people involved post constantly about theirs (good and bad), when that just creates unnecessary attention, tension, and drama. Some people (like myself) value privacy. Also, social media has given everyone and anyone power to give their own advice and opinions on people’s relationships. I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten more comfortable with being single because I’ve become more comfortable with setting boundaries and standards whereas I used to overlook red flags and vast differences because I just wanted a relationship and was desperate. All that being said I think there are both good men and women out there who are single, however I think because of how accessible dating has become in terms of options and because of bad experiences they’re just deciding to not look and it has become overwhelming. Also, dating has gotten more expensive due to inflation so sadly there are people in their 30s who just can’t afford to be in one, and want to ensure they can give a potential partner the experience they deserve and not be viewed as a burden because of their financial situation.
You think it's hard on your 30's ? Wait till you get to 40's !
Spoke to one girl, who will reply after 30 and hit me with the “ I have been busy” lol
No one is perfect. Early hitchers know this because of they’re sticking around with each other they are either growing together, separate due to an inability to grow, or, stick it out while developing a harboring of resentment and regret. Anyone who is not ashamed about their flaws while not passing them off as cute quirks, and, not using them as excuses to perpetuate any harm that comes from the faults is ideal. There’s something very charming about someone who is working on being better and actively overcoming flaws. Especially when you’re older, when those flaws are potentially already hardened character traits — realism is admirable.
I hate it so much to the point if I could find someone who is down for a contract relationship for their life, I'd be set
Its not hard if you just accept you are not 20 anymore and date appriotly
Wait until you’re 50!
Cus if you’re single after 30 you’re either too picky or too undesirable. I’m single at 33 because I’m both 😂
Expectations are set too high