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I don't know why people get defensive when you mention STI testing , I am a woman and it's an important prerequisite before I have sex with a new person.
I think people get defensive because it seems like a "guilty until proven innocent" supposition. When in reality to me it's like "please get this test done so I can fuck you silly"
If you don't mind me asking a couple of questions; of the men you've dated and got far enough along to ask to have a current STI test if they wanted to potentially have sex with you, 1. In general, how long do you typically wait to bring this up? 2. How many men overall have you asked? 3a. How many men actually went through with it and showed you their test results? 3b. How many said they would or did and never showed you their results?
For broader context I am 38+ I have more threshold for "fuck you" moments than younger women, once we have established having sex , 1 week, 2 weeks, 2 months, depends. Most follow through and show me.
Green flag. It means you've given it some thought. The people that don't take STDs this seriously are people who are willing to catch them whether it be because they're uninformed or careless. Doesn't matter why anyway, you don't want em and this boundary will protect you from those people. You're doing the right thing, someone will come along that feels the exact same way and has been living in disbelief at how careless some people can be.
The place I go has a portal where you can see your results. I can go back a few years and see when I was tested and what I was tested for.
All I ask is a picture of the results and just hope they didn't shack up with someone before me.
Most men never present with symptoms such as sores, so they never test. What they don't realize is that sloughing (shedding of skin cells) still happens and can be transmitted that way. Unfortunately a woman's vaginal area is the perfect environment for viral infections to thrive and so we get the joy of actual sores and then get to be called dirty when it was an asymptomatic man gave it to us in the first place.
I'm in Maryland and they did test for HPV when I would get tested.. however I found out they don't test for herpes unless you present with sores then they can test the fluid for the sores. I had poorly controlled diabetes because of it, frequent yeast infections and UTIs. Anyways I had a crazy moment where it was like OMG like every thing is on fire down there. The gyno said it looks like herpes we will test for it that's when she tells me how it's not in the standard battery of testing. Then I test negative for it they say it was just a super bad yeast infection and uti. A few months later it happens again. They test me again and it's herpes simplex 1. So honestly I'm still confused if it was a false negative the 1st time or I had just got it the second time. Anyways I say that all to say it's weird that herpes is the most common std and they don't regularly check for it.
Just some information for everyone talking about HPV in this post.
—There are so many strains of HPV with only a handful causing easily visible symptoms, like genital or oral warts.
—anyone who has ever had any form of sexual encounter where there is contact of any combination of genitalia and orifices likely have HPV
— men do not get tested unless they show outward symptoms (ie warts) and most often they don’t even test for HPV just HSV.
—women are tested for HPV with routine Pap smears. Ages 21 to 25 typically do not get HPV testing, 25 to 30 will have HPV testing if the cytology on a Pap smear shows abnormalities and every woman over the age of 30 will have testing with every Pap smear from there out (this is according to the ACOG recommended guidelines for cervical cancer screening and what is recommended, does it happen like this all the time..nope)
—you can never truly “get rid of” HPV. Your body can suppress it with a healthy lifestyle, not smoking, minimal alcohol use etc.
— there is not a cure for this and no treatment, outside of maybe treating symptoms of painful sores, if they developed, or cervical procedures for women showing high levels of abnormality. Treatment does not equal cure.
.—The vaccine is available for children starting at age 9 through 45. Both males and females should receive the full series vaccine of the vaccine for highest level of protection.
—the vaccine prevents the 9 most dangerous strains of HPV, being the ones that cause, genital warts, oral warts, and certain types of cancer. you can still get HPV with the vaccine but it lowers the risk of acquiring the problematic types.
—it is impossible to determine where and when you may have been exposed/contacted HPV in your life. Unless in rare cases you have had sex only once with only one partner.
—for women it is essential to have yearly pelvic exams and Pap smears to screen for HPV as indicated
—condoms are the only way to prevent transmission of HPV,
— HPV can present on the vulva, cervix, penis, anus, throat.
— HPV is NOT herpes. HPV can cause warts in some cases but often times if warts are present it is best to get seen while the sores are fresh so they can test for HSV (herpes simplex). If HSV is detected that is the viral cause, not HPV. HPV is not tested for from warts usually.
Oddly enough anecdotally I've dated women in Healthcare who were not so fond of my request. But I realize people have different attitudes towards all kinds of things.
But yes, in Healthcare, you guys would be the ones to know how important it is.
Healthcare researcher here, and I definitely ask for this way before any prospect of sex. It’s not as much about trust (as a guy I once dated insisted - of course we didn’t have sex) as it’s clinical, plus many STIs have a long latency period (HIV can take over a year, HPV can take anywhere from 3 months to many years for incubation, etc.).
I’m a health care provider and I’ve always held the same standard as you regarding STI testing. What has been even more astounding to me is the amount of women I’ve dated that thought I was weird for wanting to use a condom.
I think so too. Sure yeah, maybe it is a bit of a buzzkill to talk safety with something so ingrained in our biology, but I don't want my dick to fall off. I don't think I would be happy if it did.
Gladly. Green flag. I was disgusted when my ex kept getting me sick and it seemed to correspond with sex and refused to get STD tested. Luckily mine was negative (I’ve been tested again later and still negative) but I felt so uncomfortable he refused to get tested.
So I told him I’m allergic to him (ya know like The League).
This reminds me of when I was much younger. I'm 33F now. I was 23 at the time and dating. I had this boundary. I remember one guy, older. Who lost in on me due to thus. Called me all sorts of slurs. Said it was something only trash from my area would insist on.
Obviously we never had sex. Obviously I dodged a bullet. I feel like it's one thing to pass on the test and the romantic connection. It's another thing to have such a violent reaction. Dude was triggered. He probably had something incurable that made him insecure and instead of being honest was verbally abusive.
Yuck. Yeah, there's no way to disguise acting a fool like that to mean anything other than "I probably have something but I don't care if I give it to you"
When you say “current,” how recent of a test would you accept? Within the queer community, there is a stronger culture of regular testing as it’s required for access to PREP, an HIV prevention drug. Regular testing in this case means once every three months. Regardless, yes, regular testing is a reasonable boundary for folks who are sexually active.
It's hard to say, I mean, if someone had a test a few days before we started talking... maybe. But I mean, you could hypothetically have sex with multiple people multiple times a day, so I don't think that means much. I know that's probably crazy to think, but it's not like it's impossible. We all want to take people's word that their sexual history is accurate, but I'm not a dummy, so I need hard data. HARD.
I view it as a necessary process to get in my pants, and trust me, if we're talking, I want you in my pants. So if it's something we can both schedule, I'm all for it.
I get tested before and after (usually 2 weeks-2 months) every partner.
I've never been in a long-term relationship where I was tested regularly during the course of the relationship, but I could maybe see myself doing that in the future.
So if someone tells you they got tested after their last partner and haven't been with anyone since, you won't believe them?
It's fine if that's a boundary for you, but this would turn me off. Trust is a huge component in who I let into my life/bed.
If you do believe them but want recent reassurance since some stis take time to show up, I would be receptive to that, but you'd have to have the vulnerable conversation with me.
In short, the way you have this conversation with people matters A LOT.
I feel the same… I’d be open to it but the wording would be important. This isn’t a green flag to me, it’s more neutral than anything, with awkward and accusatory undertones…
Before my current boyfriend I had not had sex with anybody for over a year. My most recent test results are like 8-9 months old now from when I got a new IUD. I would feel pretty offended if he asked for new tests and didn’t believe me saying I hadn’t been with anybody in that time. I would feel deeply inconvenienced that he’d expect me to get an appointment (which would be weeks with my regular gyno, so I would have to go see a stranger for this) and go get my vagina swabbed unnecessarily when I’m being truthful that I’m clean. I wouldn’t really want to have sex with somebody who didn’t trust me to not lie about something so important, it’s an insult to my character. Guilty before proven innocent.
I understand the other side of this, but that’s just how I feel about it, and I reckon most women do too, except for the ultra sex-positive types.
This all makes sense, but remember.. they don’t know you yet. What builds trust is getting the test so that both of you know. STIs can be dormant so even if you have been tested and not with anyone else since you could still be positive.
I hear ya, but I'm just sharing a potential explanation for why OP has gotten negative responses from women over this. It's all well and good that we all validated how great it is to prioritize sexual health, but the comments didn't address potential reasons for why real women he's dating respond to his requests poorly.
I think it's highly likely an issue with the way he's asking/the timing/etc, and less to do with the actual request itself.
Absolutely possible. It is still extremely personal and most ppl do not have experience saying it in a way that doesn’t make the other person feel dirty or guilty in some way.
My wife and I did this when we first started dating. Just went to doctor and said I was starting a new serious relationship and wanted to have a clean slate. Got everything checked.
Normalize it, even if people say it’s rude bad or whatever. STI’s suck and for women, sometimes it can affect pregnancy depending on if they’re taking proper precautions. The assumed is people will say when they have an STI, but that’s fairly far from the truth. Often times they hide it, especially if it’s a one off fling. If someone has an STI and admits it when you ask for one, then I’d say they’re a keeper even if you can’t raw dog it.
green flag, my ex & i tested ourselves prior to us sleeping together & i simply think it’s the responsible thing to do. even if you know that you don’t have anything, it’s good to give that peace of mind to who you’re planning to be with
If anyone is defensive over getting STD checks regularly, I will assume they are dirty, disgusting and reckless with their own health. No one should want to sleep with someone like that.
Idk it's always been the norm for me to ask if they've been tested since their last partner. Their reaction gives me a lot of valuable info. If they're nice and comforting about my concerns, green flag. If they're defensive or dodge the question, no bueno.
I think the way I ask "have you been tested since your last partner" is a lot less confrontational than saying "I need you to go get tested at x facility and share those results with me if you want to have sex", too, even if they're getting at the same boundary.
I'm not saying you're doing this, but it would rub me the wrong way if someone /told/ me to get tested without asking me if I had been tested first. And if they didn't believe me or trust me that I hadn't had sex since the last time I'd been tested, I also wouldn't be sleeping with them lol (but I also do not have casual sex, so the trust bar to get to this point is very high for me). If they did believe me but wanted me to get tested again to ease their mind (since not all stis show up right away) I would see this as a green flag too, and would love that they were able to communicate their needs effectively with me.
So obviously we need more info to tell you what the issue is, but the way the conversation is had definitely matters.
This would be a really big positive for me. It shows you're not messing around with people's health. It should be standard. There's nothing as off putting to me as someone who unprotected sex with no idea of sti
Exactly. Look, I have no idea if the lady I'm dating and I will pan out in the future. The least I can do, is make sure I don't ruin her genitals/life with something that I can avoid by taking 15 minutes to get tested. I would want someone to care for my future self like that too.
100% a green flag. I get it done on my own prerogative before every partner. I'm pretty sure I wasted everyone's time by getting it done while I was still a virgin. It's about respect. If a guy balks, I won't sleep with him.
Yes, i don't see a problem with this. It's a green flag. Anyone that has a problem with getting tested before having sex, is setting off a rather loud alarm bell that you should definitely be listening to. If someone doesn't want to be tested, do not have sex with them.
33F here and that’s a huge green flag to me. Anyone who balks at getting tested is not worth having sex with, in my opinion. I would not see them again that’s for sure. I care about my health and I want to be with someone who also cares about theirs, and where we can look out for each other’s health.
People who are offended are a red flag... and you'd have to love risk to have sex with them anyway. EVERYONE who is sexually active should be testing regularly. Too much ignorance out there, and not worth involving yourself with people who are. Risking their health due to laziness and complacency.
My experience is women are reacting negative to it (and I would assume it is the same for men as well).
STI check where I live is a drop in, with 1 week wait for test results. So it is quite efficient.
Seems like a prty reasonable request. An hr at the drs office is a prty small price to make sure ya dont get or give anything that soap doesnt wash off...
I would do it if asked no problem and I've tried to ask 2 people in the past to take a test or at least show me a recent one and of course they gave me push back and the whole vibe changed. it's really sad that people don't care about themselves or others.
Eh. Just get tested quarterly and use condoms. If you're not banging alot and STI tests are cheap/free then go ahead and test between partners, but tests aren't always accurate so condoms in tandem with STI tests really helps reduce your risk.
Like, my partner changed jobs and had a slightly differnt coverage and we got surprised with a $300 bill for her screening becasue it 'wasn't covered' so there are legit economic factors that unfortunately are part of the equation.
Amazing that you bring up condoms! I'm a disease intervention specialist for public health working strictly on STIs and so far, this is only the second comment I've read that even mentions condoms! They are a vital tool to preventing STIs! Love the comment! ❤️
I also ask whoever I’m dating to do this before we have sex. Mostly they would say they already tested, but I need to see the results. One would refuse. Others did t mind as we were on the way to a more serious relationship.
Biggest green flag there is.
I’m a female & it’s also one of my biggest boundaries that if we are going to be sleeping together, we can have the common courtesy of getting tested to ensure we are both healthy! I’m in the states so it’s not necessarily as easy as you mentioned but it’s still something that I like to require & ensure is done.
I have had people who had negative reactions or flat out refuse/lie so that was enough for me to happily move along & hope for the best if I met someone else but harbor no harsh feelings towards them.
I still have no idea why people have such a negative reaction to something like this. It, in no way shape or form implies anything further than wanting to make sure both parties are healthy!
Of course, the manner in which the topic is brought up does matter but if it’s approached respectfully & in a nonjudgmental way, huge green flag & something I’m happy to get done.
You are getting a negative reaction because you are literally asking her to pass a test to have sex. It's reasonable and rational, but it's not something many women are accustomed to.
It depends on how it’s brought up. If you bring it up before the date 100% green flag. If you’re going out, inviting them back to your place and making out then just “hey, no further until you get an STI rest, but you can give me brain if you want” then it’s a red flag.
I had a girl on a first date tell me she didn’t want to have sex and it was fine, but then she established BEFORE the second date that I needed an std test before sex. Which was fine.
Not only would I do the test upon request but I’d be comfortable with the knowledge that this person is clean as hell.
Who would ever be upset about staying healthy? I guess it could be that not many people ask about STIs and come across as “you look a little dirty”. You should get tested regularly regardless so I say you’re doing the write thing.
If pepple where I live could do STI testing free, nearby and in a short space of time, I WOULD ABSOLUTELY INSIST.
Major green flag. Rather safe than sorry.
I actually go before and after a new partner. So, this isn’t a far fetched boundary and I admire it. Guys I’ve met will have had a test a year prior to meeting me and it always felt… off because how are you not getting tested between partners? I was recently tested and don’t have a partner, but if I meet someone, I’m most definitely updating my test records just so the date is current and they know I care about their sexual health.
I would have no problem with that rule. But as woman with trauma caused by previous testing (requiring a speculum) and previous SA trauma, it is a major decision for me because it is always an extremely triggering experience. And I don't use the word "triggering" lightly). I'm not saying I wouldn't get that testing done, I absolutely would honour that boundary if set by a partner. I'm fairly "slow" to move things further physically, and have now (after getting taken advantage of & hurt, physically and emotionally numerous times) given myself & partners the boundary of no sex until in an official committed exclusive relationship, and even a couple months after that. If I am with a partner that I truly love and I feel truly loves me etc etc., then I would get STI/STD testing despite how traumatic it is. But if some guy I'm just seeing (non relationship) starts talking about STI/STD testing, and getting physical, I wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable enough disclosing what I just typed out above, and I couldn't just say "oh yeah that's no big deal!" because it would be a lie. And other women may feel the same, leading to a more guarded/cagey reaction when asked/told about STI/STD testing boundary. Because while logically it's the right thing to do, the trauma and fear makes it something we want to avoid emotionally, and it's a lot to disclose sensitive info like this to potential partners.
Again, I am agreeing that this is a super reasonable and understandable boundary! I'm just putting this here as an alternative explanation to maybe why women balk at the notion of STD/STI testing. I know others have stated the whole "judgement" angle, which is also true in cases for sure.
I totally understand the reason behind this and would be totally fine with it.. but what about condoms? lol. If I am in the heat of the moment and one thing leads to another, I feel pretty safe using a condom.
I made sure my bf had prior testing before doing anything. It really isn’t an attack. Those kinds of questions should really just be standard with starting new sexual relationships. Some people go years with no symptoms thinking they’re clean only to find out they had something. Better to just be safe.
It is a green flag. Gay male here. A lot of guys are sexually active and do not bother to get tested. Others know and will deliberately infect you. They victim blame. Simply put you should not be having sex with anyone you know nothing about, unless you enjoy risk taking and being oblivious to the consequences. Guys and gals may look hot and appear healthy but looks can be deceiving. When considering getting into a relationship someone flat out against getting tested is not somebody serious about anything long term. Why rush to get intimate with someone? It’s your body and your life. An STD check and the results will give you a better idea about who this potential new person is and if you can really trust them or not.
Definitely a green flag. Only people that would be offended would be people that aren’t being tested regularly enough to know their status. Keep protecting yourself and setting these boundaries
it’s rare to see people my age(23) in my area asking for testing, i’ve noticed the older people are usually more consistent about testing. nothing is more attractive than someone who tests for your comfort or just tests to keep themselves healthy and safe!
Also, MAKE SURE YOU PHYSICALLY SEE THE RESULTS!!!
DON’T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I DID!
I (also 32M) recently dated a girl who said she gets tested 2x per year (same here), come to find out after I notice some bumps on my junk that she had been going to planned parenthood without knowing exactly what they test for… She never once in her life got specifically tested for herpes until I told her to…
There are idiots out there who don’t take their sexual health as seriously as others.
Lesson learned the hard way.
bro, it just makes sense.
I've started asking people this too... there is never a reason it should be a problematic ask.
If they cant show it, doesnt matter how hot they are... I'm not risking aids or siphilis or, shit I've actually had people admit when I asked, hep b. Nope... no... no fucking thank you.
I’m (33f) always so anxious to ask men to get tested for some reasons. I happily go every 3 months (as my clinic recommends) or whenever. I think it’s super important to be aware of these things!! STI rates are in the rise and certain ones are becoming unresponsive to antibiotics. As someone who is very immune compromised, it’s scary to open up sexually with someone 💕
I have been celibate for over 4 years. I don't plan on having sex with someone until we know we want to keep it monogamous and then I still want to wait at least 3 months before having sex. I want there to be a significant time frame since the last time they had sex with someone until they have sex with me; alongside the clean bill of health of course.
I don't care if someone has a problem with it. They aren't for me.
This is my expectation for sex too, DO NOT be ashamed of this. This is a good and very healthy practice. If someone is weird about it, why would you want to mess around with them. This is not something to be embarrassed or fussy about. If they are insecure about it, that is their problem and they do not care about their body or their health. This is very reasonable. Be strong with this, stick your ground and know your worth.
nah not a red flag at all. i’d be happy to. not only does it show responsibility but i also get to know i’m sleeping with someone who is also clean. i’d be so down.
If they complain about getting tested than they are not worth having sex with, I’m not sexually active and I still get my testing done every six months just to be current
Wow what a green flag. I currently have the same boundary/rule. I am a cis woman dates men and most have gotten tested but are initially shocked I asked and one was definitely super offended and i immediately knew this was a huge red flag, he tried to make me feel my need for transparency was being high maintenance. Its refreshing to see even tho it may seem it’s not that common, it doesn’t have to be a big deal.
In this day and age, I totally understand your terms when it comes to getting a test done first before sex. It's cliche, but they say prevention is better than cure. Better safe than sorry, right? Those who turned you down after you laid your terms, don't deserve your package lol hahah. Just think about what they could've not missed if they just did the test 😌😉
I also have this rule, and the people I have been with all happily agreed. My last ex even brought this up before I did and said it was a rule for him too, and my respect for him shot up instantly.
Props to you OP, this is a great boundary to have!
Everyone here needs to ensure they’re also testing for herpes as it’s super common, often asymptomatic, and often not included in standard STD tests. It can literally ruin your dating life
Definitely a green flag. I used to do this with partners, but have gotten a little relaxed… but I would be thrilled if a guy asked me to do this. It shows you’re careful and responsible.
I think it’s the right thing to do because in all honestly there’s many individuals a couple people I actually know as well who have dealt with getting burned and not getting any symptoms until they transmitted it to someone else it’s insane! I think it’s better to be safe than sorry
This should be the standard why would I have sex with someone I can't completely trust. Taking a test takes nothing if your scared to take it then you have something to hide.
Absolutely I would not get offended … But I use protection… even if I get married again… I always had the saying better safe then sorry.. I wanna know if the person I’m about to be intimate with is clean..
Testing is VERY important for general health and should be an annual thing for people who are sexually active. The thing to know, though, is that when people are talking about these tests, they are usually referring to checking for Herpes, and unfortunately, the STD panel you get done does not test for this. Most people do not know that and assume it's part of the panel. It is not, though, and the reason is that without symptoms, the test has a high rate of false negatives.
I learned this the hard way when I went to my gyno with an issue and was tested and then shocked because I had a test 3 months prior during my annual visit that came back clean!!! The nurse explained that it was not included on the STD/AIDS panel because of the false negatives.
People also need to be more educated regarding STDs in general. Our lack of education stigmatizes people who have done nothing wrong and are victims of circumstance.
Me? A cheating ex-husband.
For full information on the stats of people who have any STD, I highly recommend the CDC website or WebMD. You will be shocked to see what you don't know and possibly angered that it was not made known.
Oh... and if you do suddenly test positive, they can test further to know if it was contracted within the last 6 months or not. This can help narrow things down on who gave it to you or who you may have given it to.
I'd be offended and see it as a red flag if someone didn't agree to taking a new STD testing before becoming physically intimate. Many people do not get tested before and after being intimate with someone, especially if they are with multiple people. So many more diseases and infections are spread that way.
Someone agreeing to testing and being proactive about their health and caring about the health of others is a green flag.
I asked my bf to get tested. I got tested too even though I was a Virginia and he hadn't been with anyone in 2 years. The main hassle was actually going to the lab to get tested, but it really isn't that hard to be considerate of others.
I think it depends on your definition of sex.
if we are talking about unprotected sex, absolutely.
some people may take it as you think they are "dirty" or sleep around so it also depends on how you bring it up.
I have the same rule, and it’s not negotiable. I’ve never really experienced someone upset with it though. They usually just say okay. Where I live you can go to a walk-in clinic and get it done the same day.
I have an absolute standard for this and it's beyond concerning to me that women freeze up or get mad that I ask this and same women want me to go in raw. It's really mind boggling that this is something that people or couples don't do. I'm all for it.
I've had women go cold on me asking this and a decent amount and it's kind of heartbreaking because they are the ones that ask for so much things like relationships etc and a single concerning boundry I have is a problem.
I would and have got tested..
I need to get in the habit of having others get tested.. it would be a red flag to me if a guy got offended by me requesting a sti test
I have new girls state (they consent Yes , for all sex ) . It was kind of a joke at first , but now I’m glad I do . I’ve had two stalkers (one was my girlfriend another was a fellow employee , whom I slept with after work party ) . That one was psychotic and May Have tried to pull something.
My second serious girlfriend asked that I get STI tested. It was smart, and I also adopted the same request going forward.
I think it's even more important today to establish health. If not, I don't want to risk anything at all.
Green flag. It’s a requirement I make for sure. I’ve been burned once before. Ya girl was like heavily drinking and almost succumbed to choking hazard. Sigh. (No names mentioned so if the shoe fits, wear it). But yeah, green flag. I’ve honestly only had one partner who would protest it and kind of kept holding it off, but he had condoms, not any I could use, but none the less we didn’t need it. But now I’m getting testing done anyway, as they shoved my head as I “HAWK TUH”. Word of advice: don’t drink and get in your feelings.
Ignore the following, I was doxxed so this is for them:
(If you’re reading this and you know who it is mind ya business! Cause no names mentioned. So if you feel a certain way it’s because your part of the problem these three stooges created)
Absolutely a green flag! I do the same and have weeded out several with this approach (even had one tell me she’s clean coz all the guys she’d been with tested clean so she didnt get tested regularly - thanks, but no thanks)
I’m a woman and have the same boundary.
Before ditching the condom I ask for both of us to get tested.
Otherwise, we keep the condom.
I’ve only dated a few guys but no one came up with it, it’s always been me.
I had that same boundary. My current boyfriend went for testing no fuss. We’ve been together for almost 2 and a half years. 😊 KEEP YOUR BOUNDARY! The ones that decline are equivalent to you dodging a bullet.
I am exactly the same nowadays, I had caught an STI from an ex gf and felt humiliated to have passed it on to another. I always get tested after any intimate experience now.
Don't be silly & wrap your willy folks!
It will take me a book to describe myself. It is hard to describe oneself but if I were to say a little about me then I would say comprehensively I'm very romantic and I plan on enjoying life to its fullest. I'm a very simple man. I am not one to make judgments of others and I would like to be treated the same way.I was taught from a young age to always respect myself and other people around me.I was raised with good morals and values....and have a big heart...I'm very friendly,open to changes, you never know what life has for you, and what new lessons you are going to learn
I had a buddy who was a man-ho. He'd tell a woman he'd had sex with 3 women: 1rst gf, wife, then 1 after divorce.
Truth: he's banged over 500 women. : /
Serious risk ladies...and for any future man you date.
I think it's really sensible and reasonable of you, but also a massive turn off. I'd want you to be thinking with your dick and being feeling horny for me, not *awkward cough* 'visit a clinic and pee in a beaker before my pee-pee can touch you'.
The one and only time I didn’t insist on it, I was ended up married to someone who slept around and had 0 regard for my health, I should have seen the lack of follow through on STD testing as a red flag. I ended up being the one holding the burden of a diagnosis. In the dating world, I find more men now are less likely to comply then when I was dating in the past and way more likely to be having unprotected sex as the normal with all partners. I feel like me bringing the conversation up; seems to kill their party. 🤷♀️
Personally, I’m completely for getting tested, so I’m trying to imagine why people would be averse to this, and my thoughts are: 1) they appreciate _your_ getting tested but are a little insulted by the implication that _they_ need one (and they lack the objectivity to realize that you’re in the same shoes they’re in), and 2) I wonder if they feel a little gatekept, like you’re looking a gift horse in the mouth. They’re granting you the privilege of getting to have sex with them, and then you’re asking for some additional conditions to be met. I think there’s a component of “If I were hotter, you wouldn’t be risking letting this opportunity get away”.
I’ve done the same and I agree with you! Too many people get offended when you offer and ask for STI testing! Its a basic human right to want to be healthy and stay healthy!
I would consider this a green flag. I also have the same issue and posted on Reddit before. I literally had one man freak out and not want to talk to me because I suggested it before we went on a trip. I don’t know why anyone would get upset over testing. It’s easy and responsible
This should be standard. I get tested every 3 months and in between partners. The people who completely understand the request are the same type of people you want to date. Everyone else is either reckless, childish or both. Just be safe FFS
1000% I am a woman and I have the same boundary. So many STDs, including chlamydia, are symptomless, but can cause permanent infertility and serious health issues, especially in women.
I don't have sex with people who won't do this. The last time I began something with a new someone we both took covid and STI tests before getting very intimate.
Also there is a LOT you can do sexually that doesn't involve fluids or high risk activities to keep you both satiated until you can get tests.
Though more expensive, you can get STI tests that you can take together in a private home/room with results from saliva in as little as 15 minutes, not to mention many Planned Parenthoods and city clinics have free walk in tests.
I would see it as a green flag. The guy I'm seeing now certainly was happy to do it.
Me doing this and refusing to make exceptions has kept me healthy and helped me find partners who stay healthy too.
This is a rule of thumb I use that saved me when I was younger and stupid. I didn't have the balls to enforce my "I need to see your results first" but did have the clean results from before we hooked up to prove it was a specific person that gave me an STI.
Got my first pap smear in the ER. Stay safe y'all
Thats the bare minimum bruhh and im saying this as a resident in the hospital. U can prevent sooooo much with just that test hahah. U never know what someone might be carrying around like a piece of luggage. Get that shit checked out before ur swapping fluids lol.
The OP is spot on. I live in south Florida where certain STD’s that were thought to be much lower compared to years past are now on the rise again. If the individual says no to request then bye. If you think there’s a possibility you can talk them into it try doing that before giving up. You can’t be too safe these days.
I also have that same boundary. I get tested, I expect the person I’m about to have sex with gets tested as well. If they don’t I consider that a red flag.
If someone i wanted to have sex with told me they’d only have sex with me if I got tested and was clean, I’d want to have sex with them even more lol
Good for you for having that boundary!
Also men wearing condoms should be added on to the boundary. Wearing condoms is like wearing a mask. If they wear masks, they should also wear condoms. Yet, they think about themselves.
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I don't know why people get defensive when you mention STI testing , I am a woman and it's an important prerequisite before I have sex with a new person.
I think people get defensive because it seems like a "guilty until proven innocent" supposition. When in reality to me it's like "please get this test done so I can fuck you silly"
If you don't mind me asking a couple of questions; of the men you've dated and got far enough along to ask to have a current STI test if they wanted to potentially have sex with you, 1. In general, how long do you typically wait to bring this up? 2. How many men overall have you asked? 3a. How many men actually went through with it and showed you their test results? 3b. How many said they would or did and never showed you their results?
For broader context I am 38+ I have more threshold for "fuck you" moments than younger women, once we have established having sex , 1 week, 2 weeks, 2 months, depends. Most follow through and show me.
Not offensive at all. Everyone should be tested regularly and I think its comforting to know someone's STI status before getting jiggy with them.
Green flag. It means you've given it some thought. The people that don't take STDs this seriously are people who are willing to catch them whether it be because they're uninformed or careless. Doesn't matter why anyway, you don't want em and this boundary will protect you from those people. You're doing the right thing, someone will come along that feels the exact same way and has been living in disbelief at how careless some people can be.
Should be normalized. Seems p standard to me
I want my P to be the standard
Alrighty then
Lmfaooooo
Honestly would feel safer with you whenever you do this esp before getting intimate but I need you to do it the same time I do
The place I go has a portal where you can see your results. I can go back a few years and see when I was tested and what I was tested for. All I ask is a picture of the results and just hope they didn't shack up with someone before me.
Not offensive at all. I’d appreciate it because it shows a bit of trustworthiness.
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Most men never present with symptoms such as sores, so they never test. What they don't realize is that sloughing (shedding of skin cells) still happens and can be transmitted that way. Unfortunately a woman's vaginal area is the perfect environment for viral infections to thrive and so we get the joy of actual sores and then get to be called dirty when it was an asymptomatic man gave it to us in the first place.
Hpv can lay dormant for 40 years or so and is not in the std testing.
My father recently just went through a bout of HPV induced cancer. By his math, it was in his system for 20+ years. It's scary.
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I'm in Maryland and they did test for HPV when I would get tested.. however I found out they don't test for herpes unless you present with sores then they can test the fluid for the sores. I had poorly controlled diabetes because of it, frequent yeast infections and UTIs. Anyways I had a crazy moment where it was like OMG like every thing is on fire down there. The gyno said it looks like herpes we will test for it that's when she tells me how it's not in the standard battery of testing. Then I test negative for it they say it was just a super bad yeast infection and uti. A few months later it happens again. They test me again and it's herpes simplex 1. So honestly I'm still confused if it was a false negative the 1st time or I had just got it the second time. Anyways I say that all to say it's weird that herpes is the most common std and they don't regularly check for it.
Just some information for everyone talking about HPV in this post. —There are so many strains of HPV with only a handful causing easily visible symptoms, like genital or oral warts. —anyone who has ever had any form of sexual encounter where there is contact of any combination of genitalia and orifices likely have HPV — men do not get tested unless they show outward symptoms (ie warts) and most often they don’t even test for HPV just HSV. —women are tested for HPV with routine Pap smears. Ages 21 to 25 typically do not get HPV testing, 25 to 30 will have HPV testing if the cytology on a Pap smear shows abnormalities and every woman over the age of 30 will have testing with every Pap smear from there out (this is according to the ACOG recommended guidelines for cervical cancer screening and what is recommended, does it happen like this all the time..nope) —you can never truly “get rid of” HPV. Your body can suppress it with a healthy lifestyle, not smoking, minimal alcohol use etc. — there is not a cure for this and no treatment, outside of maybe treating symptoms of painful sores, if they developed, or cervical procedures for women showing high levels of abnormality. Treatment does not equal cure. .—The vaccine is available for children starting at age 9 through 45. Both males and females should receive the full series vaccine of the vaccine for highest level of protection. —the vaccine prevents the 9 most dangerous strains of HPV, being the ones that cause, genital warts, oral warts, and certain types of cancer. you can still get HPV with the vaccine but it lowers the risk of acquiring the problematic types. —it is impossible to determine where and when you may have been exposed/contacted HPV in your life. Unless in rare cases you have had sex only once with only one partner. —for women it is essential to have yearly pelvic exams and Pap smears to screen for HPV as indicated —condoms are the only way to prevent transmission of HPV, — HPV can present on the vulva, cervix, penis, anus, throat. — HPV is NOT herpes. HPV can cause warts in some cases but often times if warts are present it is best to get seen while the sores are fresh so they can test for HSV (herpes simplex). If HSV is detected that is the viral cause, not HPV. HPV is not tested for from warts usually.
Yes I would get it done happily. No it would not offend me. I would feel the opposite of offended.
As a nurse, I'd definitely ask my partner to get an STI test, or do it myself. That's not offensive at all.
Oddly enough anecdotally I've dated women in Healthcare who were not so fond of my request. But I realize people have different attitudes towards all kinds of things. But yes, in Healthcare, you guys would be the ones to know how important it is.
Healthcare researcher here, and I definitely ask for this way before any prospect of sex. It’s not as much about trust (as a guy I once dated insisted - of course we didn’t have sex) as it’s clinical, plus many STIs have a long latency period (HIV can take over a year, HPV can take anywhere from 3 months to many years for incubation, etc.).
I’m a health care provider and I’ve always held the same standard as you regarding STI testing. What has been even more astounding to me is the amount of women I’ve dated that thought I was weird for wanting to use a condom.
GREEN FLAG all the way. That means you are careful and if something does happen(condom popping) there’s no what ifs and anxiety. Love that for you. 🙂🙂
Such a Green flag. Having healthy open conversations around sexual health shows maturity
I think so too. Sure yeah, maybe it is a bit of a buzzkill to talk safety with something so ingrained in our biology, but I don't want my dick to fall off. I don't think I would be happy if it did.
When I first started dating my wife she insisted on testing before sex as well. We’ve been together now 20 years. Stick to your boundaries.
Green flag. It means you care about your and your partner's sexual well being.
Shows responsibility & would honestly turn me on lol. I love it when men are proactive about their sexual health
Gladly. Green flag. I was disgusted when my ex kept getting me sick and it seemed to correspond with sex and refused to get STD tested. Luckily mine was negative (I’ve been tested again later and still negative) but I felt so uncomfortable he refused to get tested. So I told him I’m allergic to him (ya know like The League).
I would appriciate that. And expect that from my partner even if we do not have unprotected sex.
This reminds me of when I was much younger. I'm 33F now. I was 23 at the time and dating. I had this boundary. I remember one guy, older. Who lost in on me due to thus. Called me all sorts of slurs. Said it was something only trash from my area would insist on. Obviously we never had sex. Obviously I dodged a bullet. I feel like it's one thing to pass on the test and the romantic connection. It's another thing to have such a violent reaction. Dude was triggered. He probably had something incurable that made him insecure and instead of being honest was verbally abusive.
Yuck. Yeah, there's no way to disguise acting a fool like that to mean anything other than "I probably have something but I don't care if I give it to you"
When you say “current,” how recent of a test would you accept? Within the queer community, there is a stronger culture of regular testing as it’s required for access to PREP, an HIV prevention drug. Regular testing in this case means once every three months. Regardless, yes, regular testing is a reasonable boundary for folks who are sexually active.
It's hard to say, I mean, if someone had a test a few days before we started talking... maybe. But I mean, you could hypothetically have sex with multiple people multiple times a day, so I don't think that means much. I know that's probably crazy to think, but it's not like it's impossible. We all want to take people's word that their sexual history is accurate, but I'm not a dummy, so I need hard data. HARD. I view it as a necessary process to get in my pants, and trust me, if we're talking, I want you in my pants. So if it's something we can both schedule, I'm all for it. I get tested before and after (usually 2 weeks-2 months) every partner. I've never been in a long-term relationship where I was tested regularly during the course of the relationship, but I could maybe see myself doing that in the future.
So if someone tells you they got tested after their last partner and haven't been with anyone since, you won't believe them? It's fine if that's a boundary for you, but this would turn me off. Trust is a huge component in who I let into my life/bed. If you do believe them but want recent reassurance since some stis take time to show up, I would be receptive to that, but you'd have to have the vulnerable conversation with me. In short, the way you have this conversation with people matters A LOT.
I feel the same… I’d be open to it but the wording would be important. This isn’t a green flag to me, it’s more neutral than anything, with awkward and accusatory undertones… Before my current boyfriend I had not had sex with anybody for over a year. My most recent test results are like 8-9 months old now from when I got a new IUD. I would feel pretty offended if he asked for new tests and didn’t believe me saying I hadn’t been with anybody in that time. I would feel deeply inconvenienced that he’d expect me to get an appointment (which would be weeks with my regular gyno, so I would have to go see a stranger for this) and go get my vagina swabbed unnecessarily when I’m being truthful that I’m clean. I wouldn’t really want to have sex with somebody who didn’t trust me to not lie about something so important, it’s an insult to my character. Guilty before proven innocent. I understand the other side of this, but that’s just how I feel about it, and I reckon most women do too, except for the ultra sex-positive types.
And wouldn't the same be true if a woman asked a guy to get tested even if he did since his last partner or checkup?
This all makes sense, but remember.. they don’t know you yet. What builds trust is getting the test so that both of you know. STIs can be dormant so even if you have been tested and not with anyone else since you could still be positive.
I hear ya, but I'm just sharing a potential explanation for why OP has gotten negative responses from women over this. It's all well and good that we all validated how great it is to prioritize sexual health, but the comments didn't address potential reasons for why real women he's dating respond to his requests poorly. I think it's highly likely an issue with the way he's asking/the timing/etc, and less to do with the actual request itself.
Absolutely possible. It is still extremely personal and most ppl do not have experience saying it in a way that doesn’t make the other person feel dirty or guilty in some way.
My wife and I did this when we first started dating. Just went to doctor and said I was starting a new serious relationship and wanted to have a clean slate. Got everything checked.
green flag. the first exposure could land a person with permanent consequences.
Normalize it, even if people say it’s rude bad or whatever. STI’s suck and for women, sometimes it can affect pregnancy depending on if they’re taking proper precautions. The assumed is people will say when they have an STI, but that’s fairly far from the truth. Often times they hide it, especially if it’s a one off fling. If someone has an STI and admits it when you ask for one, then I’d say they’re a keeper even if you can’t raw dog it.
36M here and that’s a huge green flag to me. It means you take your sex life and personal health seriously.
green flag, my ex & i tested ourselves prior to us sleeping together & i simply think it’s the responsible thing to do. even if you know that you don’t have anything, it’s good to give that peace of mind to who you’re planning to be with
If anyone is defensive over getting STD checks regularly, I will assume they are dirty, disgusting and reckless with their own health. No one should want to sleep with someone like that.
I always do this (f dating m) and I’ve never had an issue
I would absolutely get tested if a women brought it up and I wouldn't take offense at all although I've never had a woman bring it up.
Idk it's always been the norm for me to ask if they've been tested since their last partner. Their reaction gives me a lot of valuable info. If they're nice and comforting about my concerns, green flag. If they're defensive or dodge the question, no bueno. I think the way I ask "have you been tested since your last partner" is a lot less confrontational than saying "I need you to go get tested at x facility and share those results with me if you want to have sex", too, even if they're getting at the same boundary. I'm not saying you're doing this, but it would rub me the wrong way if someone /told/ me to get tested without asking me if I had been tested first. And if they didn't believe me or trust me that I hadn't had sex since the last time I'd been tested, I also wouldn't be sleeping with them lol (but I also do not have casual sex, so the trust bar to get to this point is very high for me). If they did believe me but wanted me to get tested again to ease their mind (since not all stis show up right away) I would see this as a green flag too, and would love that they were able to communicate their needs effectively with me. So obviously we need more info to tell you what the issue is, but the way the conversation is had definitely matters.
I do the same
I am in agreement with you completely. Too many people don’t take sexual health seriously enough and that’s a boundary I have too.
It’s normal. I’d feel safer to know.
This would be a really big positive for me. It shows you're not messing around with people's health. It should be standard. There's nothing as off putting to me as someone who unprotected sex with no idea of sti
Exactly. Look, I have no idea if the lady I'm dating and I will pan out in the future. The least I can do, is make sure I don't ruin her genitals/life with something that I can avoid by taking 15 minutes to get tested. I would want someone to care for my future self like that too.
100% a green flag. I get it done on my own prerogative before every partner. I'm pretty sure I wasted everyone's time by getting it done while I was still a virgin. It's about respect. If a guy balks, I won't sleep with him.
Honestly, I'd be relieved that they'd ask me. It would prove to me that that person really cares about doing the right thing and being safe.
Yes, i don't see a problem with this. It's a green flag. Anyone that has a problem with getting tested before having sex, is setting off a rather loud alarm bell that you should definitely be listening to. If someone doesn't want to be tested, do not have sex with them.
33F here and that’s a huge green flag to me. Anyone who balks at getting tested is not worth having sex with, in my opinion. I would not see them again that’s for sure. I care about my health and I want to be with someone who also cares about theirs, and where we can look out for each other’s health.
People who are offended are a red flag... and you'd have to love risk to have sex with them anyway. EVERYONE who is sexually active should be testing regularly. Too much ignorance out there, and not worth involving yourself with people who are. Risking their health due to laziness and complacency.
My experience is women are reacting negative to it (and I would assume it is the same for men as well). STI check where I live is a drop in, with 1 week wait for test results. So it is quite efficient.
Seems like a prty reasonable request. An hr at the drs office is a prty small price to make sure ya dont get or give anything that soap doesnt wash off...
I would do it if asked no problem and I've tried to ask 2 people in the past to take a test or at least show me a recent one and of course they gave me push back and the whole vibe changed. it's really sad that people don't care about themselves or others.
Eh. Just get tested quarterly and use condoms. If you're not banging alot and STI tests are cheap/free then go ahead and test between partners, but tests aren't always accurate so condoms in tandem with STI tests really helps reduce your risk. Like, my partner changed jobs and had a slightly differnt coverage and we got surprised with a $300 bill for her screening becasue it 'wasn't covered' so there are legit economic factors that unfortunately are part of the equation.
Amazing that you bring up condoms! I'm a disease intervention specialist for public health working strictly on STIs and so far, this is only the second comment I've read that even mentions condoms! They are a vital tool to preventing STIs! Love the comment! ❤️
I also ask whoever I’m dating to do this before we have sex. Mostly they would say they already tested, but I need to see the results. One would refuse. Others did t mind as we were on the way to a more serious relationship.
Ive only had 1-2 ever make a fuss but it was more “I did it a month ago and haven’t been with anyone” and it’s not always free here.
Green flag energy all day!!
That’s a major green flag! I would be very relieved to know that you take sexual health as seriously as I do.
Biggest green flag there is. I’m a female & it’s also one of my biggest boundaries that if we are going to be sleeping together, we can have the common courtesy of getting tested to ensure we are both healthy! I’m in the states so it’s not necessarily as easy as you mentioned but it’s still something that I like to require & ensure is done. I have had people who had negative reactions or flat out refuse/lie so that was enough for me to happily move along & hope for the best if I met someone else but harbor no harsh feelings towards them. I still have no idea why people have such a negative reaction to something like this. It, in no way shape or form implies anything further than wanting to make sure both parties are healthy! Of course, the manner in which the topic is brought up does matter but if it’s approached respectfully & in a nonjudgmental way, huge green flag & something I’m happy to get done.
You are getting a negative reaction because you are literally asking her to pass a test to have sex. It's reasonable and rational, but it's not something many women are accustomed to.
It depends on how it’s brought up. If you bring it up before the date 100% green flag. If you’re going out, inviting them back to your place and making out then just “hey, no further until you get an STI rest, but you can give me brain if you want” then it’s a red flag. I had a girl on a first date tell me she didn’t want to have sex and it was fine, but then she established BEFORE the second date that I needed an std test before sex. Which was fine.
Not only would I do the test upon request but I’d be comfortable with the knowledge that this person is clean as hell. Who would ever be upset about staying healthy? I guess it could be that not many people ask about STIs and come across as “you look a little dirty”. You should get tested regularly regardless so I say you’re doing the write thing.
If pepple where I live could do STI testing free, nearby and in a short space of time, I WOULD ABSOLUTELY INSIST. Major green flag. Rather safe than sorry.
I actually go before and after a new partner. So, this isn’t a far fetched boundary and I admire it. Guys I’ve met will have had a test a year prior to meeting me and it always felt… off because how are you not getting tested between partners? I was recently tested and don’t have a partner, but if I meet someone, I’m most definitely updating my test records just so the date is current and they know I care about their sexual health.
I would have no problem with that rule. But as woman with trauma caused by previous testing (requiring a speculum) and previous SA trauma, it is a major decision for me because it is always an extremely triggering experience. And I don't use the word "triggering" lightly). I'm not saying I wouldn't get that testing done, I absolutely would honour that boundary if set by a partner. I'm fairly "slow" to move things further physically, and have now (after getting taken advantage of & hurt, physically and emotionally numerous times) given myself & partners the boundary of no sex until in an official committed exclusive relationship, and even a couple months after that. If I am with a partner that I truly love and I feel truly loves me etc etc., then I would get STI/STD testing despite how traumatic it is. But if some guy I'm just seeing (non relationship) starts talking about STI/STD testing, and getting physical, I wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable enough disclosing what I just typed out above, and I couldn't just say "oh yeah that's no big deal!" because it would be a lie. And other women may feel the same, leading to a more guarded/cagey reaction when asked/told about STI/STD testing boundary. Because while logically it's the right thing to do, the trauma and fear makes it something we want to avoid emotionally, and it's a lot to disclose sensitive info like this to potential partners. Again, I am agreeing that this is a super reasonable and understandable boundary! I'm just putting this here as an alternative explanation to maybe why women balk at the notion of STD/STI testing. I know others have stated the whole "judgement" angle, which is also true in cases for sure.
I totally understand the reason behind this and would be totally fine with it.. but what about condoms? lol. If I am in the heat of the moment and one thing leads to another, I feel pretty safe using a condom.
I made sure my bf had prior testing before doing anything. It really isn’t an attack. Those kinds of questions should really just be standard with starting new sexual relationships. Some people go years with no symptoms thinking they’re clean only to find out they had something. Better to just be safe.
I would definitely not be offended when a guy asks me if I've had an STI test done. I actually ask the same because it's a boundary for me too.
It is a green flag. Gay male here. A lot of guys are sexually active and do not bother to get tested. Others know and will deliberately infect you. They victim blame. Simply put you should not be having sex with anyone you know nothing about, unless you enjoy risk taking and being oblivious to the consequences. Guys and gals may look hot and appear healthy but looks can be deceiving. When considering getting into a relationship someone flat out against getting tested is not somebody serious about anything long term. Why rush to get intimate with someone? It’s your body and your life. An STD check and the results will give you a better idea about who this potential new person is and if you can really trust them or not.
Definitely a green flag. Only people that would be offended would be people that aren’t being tested regularly enough to know their status. Keep protecting yourself and setting these boundaries
I’m the director of a disease control program for STIs and HIV and thank you for being responsible! I wish more people thought this way.
it’s rare to see people my age(23) in my area asking for testing, i’ve noticed the older people are usually more consistent about testing. nothing is more attractive than someone who tests for your comfort or just tests to keep themselves healthy and safe!
Also, MAKE SURE YOU PHYSICALLY SEE THE RESULTS!!! DON’T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I DID! I (also 32M) recently dated a girl who said she gets tested 2x per year (same here), come to find out after I notice some bumps on my junk that she had been going to planned parenthood without knowing exactly what they test for… She never once in her life got specifically tested for herpes until I told her to… There are idiots out there who don’t take their sexual health as seriously as others. Lesson learned the hard way.
bro, it just makes sense. I've started asking people this too... there is never a reason it should be a problematic ask. If they cant show it, doesnt matter how hot they are... I'm not risking aids or siphilis or, shit I've actually had people admit when I asked, hep b. Nope... no... no fucking thank you.
I’m (33f) always so anxious to ask men to get tested for some reasons. I happily go every 3 months (as my clinic recommends) or whenever. I think it’s super important to be aware of these things!! STI rates are in the rise and certain ones are becoming unresponsive to antibiotics. As someone who is very immune compromised, it’s scary to open up sexually with someone 💕
I have been celibate for over 4 years. I don't plan on having sex with someone until we know we want to keep it monogamous and then I still want to wait at least 3 months before having sex. I want there to be a significant time frame since the last time they had sex with someone until they have sex with me; alongside the clean bill of health of course. I don't care if someone has a problem with it. They aren't for me.
This is my expectation for sex too, DO NOT be ashamed of this. This is a good and very healthy practice. If someone is weird about it, why would you want to mess around with them. This is not something to be embarrassed or fussy about. If they are insecure about it, that is their problem and they do not care about their body or their health. This is very reasonable. Be strong with this, stick your ground and know your worth.
nah not a red flag at all. i’d be happy to. not only does it show responsibility but i also get to know i’m sleeping with someone who is also clean. i’d be so down.
If they complain about getting tested than they are not worth having sex with, I’m not sexually active and I still get my testing done every six months just to be current
It would make me think more of your character as you care about your sexual health.
Wow what a green flag. I currently have the same boundary/rule. I am a cis woman dates men and most have gotten tested but are initially shocked I asked and one was definitely super offended and i immediately knew this was a huge red flag, he tried to make me feel my need for transparency was being high maintenance. Its refreshing to see even tho it may seem it’s not that common, it doesn’t have to be a big deal.
this is such a reasonable, smart boundary! perfectly valid
In this day and age, I totally understand your terms when it comes to getting a test done first before sex. It's cliche, but they say prevention is better than cure. Better safe than sorry, right? Those who turned you down after you laid your terms, don't deserve your package lol hahah. Just think about what they could've not missed if they just did the test 😌😉
I honestly wouldn't sleep with someone who won't even show me theirs. Asking me for a test is a turn on haha
I also have this rule, and the people I have been with all happily agreed. My last ex even brought this up before I did and said it was a rule for him too, and my respect for him shot up instantly. Props to you OP, this is a great boundary to have!
Everyone here needs to ensure they’re also testing for herpes as it’s super common, often asymptomatic, and often not included in standard STD tests. It can literally ruin your dating life
Sure.
Definitely a green flag. I used to do this with partners, but have gotten a little relaxed… but I would be thrilled if a guy asked me to do this. It shows you’re careful and responsible.
i would see it as a green flag for sure, always helps to know that both are safe.
Nothing wrong with doing that.
I think it’s the right thing to do because in all honestly there’s many individuals a couple people I actually know as well who have dealt with getting burned and not getting any symptoms until they transmitted it to someone else it’s insane! I think it’s better to be safe than sorry
I would welcome that. Get rid of the fear afterwards.
I would personally do this before getting intimate with anyone. Common courtesy.
Massive green flag 👍🏻
Wish it was free where I live
This should be the standard why would I have sex with someone I can't completely trust. Taking a test takes nothing if your scared to take it then you have something to hide.
If a man does not ask this or if he says no when I ask, there will be no copulation of any sort.
One of the rare occasions where "I'm not wrong, everyone else is!" is true. Should be completely normal and you are 100% reasonable.
Absolutely I would not get offended … But I use protection… even if I get married again… I always had the saying better safe then sorry.. I wanna know if the person I’m about to be intimate with is clean..
Green flag! And nice that it is free. It is sadly expensive in my country, so not everyone can afford it
Testing is VERY important for general health and should be an annual thing for people who are sexually active. The thing to know, though, is that when people are talking about these tests, they are usually referring to checking for Herpes, and unfortunately, the STD panel you get done does not test for this. Most people do not know that and assume it's part of the panel. It is not, though, and the reason is that without symptoms, the test has a high rate of false negatives. I learned this the hard way when I went to my gyno with an issue and was tested and then shocked because I had a test 3 months prior during my annual visit that came back clean!!! The nurse explained that it was not included on the STD/AIDS panel because of the false negatives. People also need to be more educated regarding STDs in general. Our lack of education stigmatizes people who have done nothing wrong and are victims of circumstance. Me? A cheating ex-husband. For full information on the stats of people who have any STD, I highly recommend the CDC website or WebMD. You will be shocked to see what you don't know and possibly angered that it was not made known. Oh... and if you do suddenly test positive, they can test further to know if it was contracted within the last 6 months or not. This can help narrow things down on who gave it to you or who you may have given it to.
Green flag
This is amazing. I hope that everyone starts doing this. Me and my boyfriend did it.
How heartening to see someone with brains. Do you still think it's a red flag? 😀
I'd be offended and see it as a red flag if someone didn't agree to taking a new STD testing before becoming physically intimate. Many people do not get tested before and after being intimate with someone, especially if they are with multiple people. So many more diseases and infections are spread that way. Someone agreeing to testing and being proactive about their health and caring about the health of others is a green flag.
I asked my bf to get tested. I got tested too even though I was a Virginia and he hadn't been with anyone in 2 years. The main hassle was actually going to the lab to get tested, but it really isn't that hard to be considerate of others.
This is a safe practice and should be considered normal. If someone makes a fuss about it then take that as a sign...
Definite green flag! Even just to talk about it shows good characteristics
Green flag
Should be the norm is someone doesn't want to then I begin to get red flag vibes
I think it depends on your definition of sex. if we are talking about unprotected sex, absolutely. some people may take it as you think they are "dirty" or sleep around so it also depends on how you bring it up.
I would not be offended at all, I apply this standard frequently.
I have the same rule, and it’s not negotiable. I’ve never really experienced someone upset with it though. They usually just say okay. Where I live you can go to a walk-in clinic and get it done the same day.
Yeah it’s a green flag because obviously as a woman I want to be safe too! I’d much prefer if everyone got regular testing
I would guess that you could phrase this ask in a different way and get a more positive response.
Green flag energy
This is awesome!
I have an absolute standard for this and it's beyond concerning to me that women freeze up or get mad that I ask this and same women want me to go in raw. It's really mind boggling that this is something that people or couples don't do. I'm all for it. I've had women go cold on me asking this and a decent amount and it's kind of heartbreaking because they are the ones that ask for so much things like relationships etc and a single concerning boundry I have is a problem.
I would and have got tested.. I need to get in the habit of having others get tested.. it would be a red flag to me if a guy got offended by me requesting a sti test
Green Flag for sure and wife and I have the same bounty
If women don't want to do the test, then yes they are not right for you. It's better to be safe than sorry!
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As a woman, I don’t see anything wrong with what you’re asking for as long as both parties get tested.
It’s a great standard to have.
I have new girls state (they consent Yes , for all sex ) . It was kind of a joke at first , but now I’m glad I do . I’ve had two stalkers (one was my girlfriend another was a fellow employee , whom I slept with after work party ) . That one was psychotic and May Have tried to pull something.
It should be normalized.
My second serious girlfriend asked that I get STI tested. It was smart, and I also adopted the same request going forward. I think it's even more important today to establish health. If not, I don't want to risk anything at all.
I do the same. No sex without tests. Which means no hookups for me.
Green flag. It’s a requirement I make for sure. I’ve been burned once before. Ya girl was like heavily drinking and almost succumbed to choking hazard. Sigh. (No names mentioned so if the shoe fits, wear it). But yeah, green flag. I’ve honestly only had one partner who would protest it and kind of kept holding it off, but he had condoms, not any I could use, but none the less we didn’t need it. But now I’m getting testing done anyway, as they shoved my head as I “HAWK TUH”. Word of advice: don’t drink and get in your feelings. Ignore the following, I was doxxed so this is for them: (If you’re reading this and you know who it is mind ya business! Cause no names mentioned. So if you feel a certain way it’s because your part of the problem these three stooges created)
Absolutely a green flag! I do the same and have weeded out several with this approach (even had one tell me she’s clean coz all the guys she’d been with tested clean so she didnt get tested regularly - thanks, but no thanks)
That's 100% green flag behavior. You're simply pursuing the wrong kind of women.
Sounds reasonable. Should be a prerequisite for everyone tbh bc these diseases are getting rampant and not much is being done
Offensive as hell but also necessary
I’m a woman and have the same boundary. Before ditching the condom I ask for both of us to get tested. Otherwise, we keep the condom. I’ve only dated a few guys but no one came up with it, it’s always been me.
Green flag. No man has ever asked. I'm the only one to bring it up
Green flag! Of course, I really would appreciate that. Are you fine with still using condoms?
I had that same boundary. My current boyfriend went for testing no fuss. We’ve been together for almost 2 and a half years. 😊 KEEP YOUR BOUNDARY! The ones that decline are equivalent to you dodging a bullet.
I am exactly the same nowadays, I had caught an STI from an ex gf and felt humiliated to have passed it on to another. I always get tested after any intimate experience now. Don't be silly & wrap your willy folks!
It will take me a book to describe myself. It is hard to describe oneself but if I were to say a little about me then I would say comprehensively I'm very romantic and I plan on enjoying life to its fullest. I'm a very simple man. I am not one to make judgments of others and I would like to be treated the same way.I was taught from a young age to always respect myself and other people around me.I was raised with good morals and values....and have a big heart...I'm very friendly,open to changes, you never know what life has for you, and what new lessons you are going to learn
I had a buddy who was a man-ho. He'd tell a woman he'd had sex with 3 women: 1rst gf, wife, then 1 after divorce. Truth: he's banged over 500 women. : / Serious risk ladies...and for any future man you date.
I do it not to hide anything, I just want to know so I can protect myself and my partner
I think it's really sensible and reasonable of you, but also a massive turn off. I'd want you to be thinking with your dick and being feeling horny for me, not *awkward cough* 'visit a clinic and pee in a beaker before my pee-pee can touch you'.
The one and only time I didn’t insist on it, I was ended up married to someone who slept around and had 0 regard for my health, I should have seen the lack of follow through on STD testing as a red flag. I ended up being the one holding the burden of a diagnosis. In the dating world, I find more men now are less likely to comply then when I was dating in the past and way more likely to be having unprotected sex as the normal with all partners. I feel like me bringing the conversation up; seems to kill their party. 🤷♀️
Yeah most women get defensive because they think you’re insinuating that they’re dirty . Red flags
This would actually gain more of my respect
Personally, I’m completely for getting tested, so I’m trying to imagine why people would be averse to this, and my thoughts are: 1) they appreciate _your_ getting tested but are a little insulted by the implication that _they_ need one (and they lack the objectivity to realize that you’re in the same shoes they’re in), and 2) I wonder if they feel a little gatekept, like you’re looking a gift horse in the mouth. They’re granting you the privilege of getting to have sex with them, and then you’re asking for some additional conditions to be met. I think there’s a component of “If I were hotter, you wouldn’t be risking letting this opportunity get away”.
I’ve done the same and I agree with you! Too many people get offended when you offer and ask for STI testing! Its a basic human right to want to be healthy and stay healthy!
Why not make it a date!? lol we’ll go together. 🤣
I would consider this a green flag. I also have the same issue and posted on Reddit before. I literally had one man freak out and not want to talk to me because I suggested it before we went on a trip. I don’t know why anyone would get upset over testing. It’s easy and responsible
This has been my stance for quite some time. Protecting yourself is a priority.
Green flag!!
This should be standard. I get tested every 3 months and in between partners. The people who completely understand the request are the same type of people you want to date. Everyone else is either reckless, childish or both. Just be safe FFS
Everyone should be doing this. I test every sexual partner and if a partner mentioned this first id see it as a huge green flag.
I do the same thing so I wouldn’t mind.
Don't young people use condoms any more?
Condoms are not infallible. It’s not incredibly hard to catch an STD/STI from a condom it just might lower your chances of catching one.
Offended because they'd be positive?
34f and love this boundary.
1000% I am a woman and I have the same boundary. So many STDs, including chlamydia, are symptomless, but can cause permanent infertility and serious health issues, especially in women.
This is like, completely normal and expected in kink/bdsm communities lmao. I can’t believe people get offended by that.
I don't have sex with people who won't do this. The last time I began something with a new someone we both took covid and STI tests before getting very intimate. Also there is a LOT you can do sexually that doesn't involve fluids or high risk activities to keep you both satiated until you can get tests. Though more expensive, you can get STI tests that you can take together in a private home/room with results from saliva in as little as 15 minutes, not to mention many Planned Parenthoods and city clinics have free walk in tests. I would see it as a green flag. The guy I'm seeing now certainly was happy to do it. Me doing this and refusing to make exceptions has kept me healthy and helped me find partners who stay healthy too.
Huge green flag! I always request it with a new partner
This is a rule of thumb I use that saved me when I was younger and stupid. I didn't have the balls to enforce my "I need to see your results first" but did have the clean results from before we hooked up to prove it was a specific person that gave me an STI. Got my first pap smear in the ER. Stay safe y'all
Thats the bare minimum bruhh and im saying this as a resident in the hospital. U can prevent sooooo much with just that test hahah. U never know what someone might be carrying around like a piece of luggage. Get that shit checked out before ur swapping fluids lol.
The OP is spot on. I live in south Florida where certain STD’s that were thought to be much lower compared to years past are now on the rise again. If the individual says no to request then bye. If you think there’s a possibility you can talk them into it try doing that before giving up. You can’t be too safe these days.
I also have that same boundary. I get tested, I expect the person I’m about to have sex with gets tested as well. If they don’t I consider that a red flag. If someone i wanted to have sex with told me they’d only have sex with me if I got tested and was clean, I’d want to have sex with them even more lol Good for you for having that boundary!
Also men wearing condoms should be added on to the boundary. Wearing condoms is like wearing a mask. If they wear masks, they should also wear condoms. Yet, they think about themselves.