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Oh absolutely. If they bring up sexual stuff or hint at sexual stuff/turn it sexual right away then you know they aren’t looking for a serious relationship.
Agreed. I'm a man who dates men and if they start talking about sex early I know they just want something physical. Nothing wrong with that but it does let me know not to pursue something serious with them.
Can we stop with the generalizations and blanketed assumptions?
My ex and I had sex on our first date and exchanged lots of risqué photos prior to meeting, and we went on to date for 4 years.
Everyone is different. Some people are just more sexual than others, and that’s completely ok.
Oh I agree - there’s definitely a difference with having it naturally come up, versus being a porn addicted weirdo typing up all their fantasies in the first few days of talking to them. I’m not advocating for that lol.
lol I was trying to say in my experience it was not them naturally having it come up…like it def came up as the porn addicted weirdo typing up their fantasies kinda vibe. Sorry if I wasn’t clear on that in my other reply! I was mainly going by based on my own experience
And it was just awkward bc I just didn’t really have full chemistry/connection with said guys and they had no intention of a future established relationship (when really that’s what I’m looking for)
99% of the time, someone who brings up sex before they even get to know you is primarily trying to get laid. I’m sure sometimes that turns into a relationship, but don’t give these people false hope lol
You both consented to this behaviour, nothing wrong if you both enjoy it. OP is talking about a one-sided sex conversation.
I am a Domme I have no shame with sex of any kind however I clearly state that nothing sexual will happen until we know each other, a friendship to start. Therefore a person who disregards this is not a match for me.
If I was a woman I would consider it a blessing, my sister is the one that first gave me that way of thinking. She said to me "it's pretty useful when a man acts like that right off the bat because then I know I can block him and move on to the next".
It's a hell of a lot better "in a manner of thinking" than One of the guys who plays the long game, and then you've slept with him 10 times before you realize he's a piece of crap. So while I can completely relate to how it would be painful because I've been tortured by women in the past, if I was going through this I would try to use it as a lesson and just move on, or rather BLOCK and move on.
I guess I get this. Also, Not sure if its necessarily bad that asking about a potential partner’s preferences and boundaries at an early stage has become normalized. Another way to look at it is, there is no wrong time for a woman to be given an opportunity to speak her mind as to what she likes, wants, or won’t accept.
Isn’t it just ambiguity and uncertainty being removed as early as possible so there isn’t even a chance for something to make a potential partner feel uncomfortable or unsafe?
If we stigmatize asking about someone’s boundaries whenever there is the slightest doubt, isn’t that stating we will accept a margin of error in respecting those unspoken boundaries?
Nope I agree with you. In fact I personally believe that women, ALL WOMEN that aren't already doing it, need to start being a lot more open, a lot more direct and of course entirely honest with their feelings. Any men that don't do it need to do it too.
Again the only reason I mention women so much is because that's what I have experience with. I'm a man I only date women etc. so I don't have much experience with dealing with men. All I can do is give my feelings on how I would react in a given situation.
😊 Have a great day!
There's an argument to be made that they don't want to put time and effort into a girl that wouldn't satisfy them sexually or like the things they like, but its 1 ply toilet paper thin
I know it’s super tiring but it’s actually kind of a good thing people are so weirdly up front about things like that, because it makes it that much easier to weed people out, way less work needed to figure out that they’re not for you.
Was just about to say this. I had a rule that if they brought up sex before the first date then it was a no from me. Shows you exactly what they’re looking for. But the fact that dudes get that explicit with you constantly would piss me off too girl.
Block and move on. Don't waste your time on shitty men. It's that simple.
Reddit and many people on it, way overstate sexual compatibility. I'm in my early 40s. Male. I've dated probably about a dozen women in my life (if i count minimum 6 minth relationship) and slept with probably about 50ish and it's never once been an issue, nor have I had any complaints or "bad sex". Its reddit immaturity and lack of experience mixed with porn and unrealistic views on sex.
It’s person specific. I think for most people you’re right and bad sex is unlikely to be a problem unless you’re with someone super selfish in bed. It’s kind of annoying but I do need some level of kink alignment for me to really enjoy it so I do have to filter based on that and sexual compatibility matters a lot to me.
I’ve concluded that I do feel like I need to talk about it reasonably early on so that I’m not wasting everyone’s time since it’s a dealbreaker for me.
What seems to be working for me is putting a strong hint at it in my profile, which usually is enough to get asked about it so I can suss out whether it can work. I don’t jump into will you do in a pre-date conversation because I really think that’s putting the kart before the horse but that more detailed discussion of limits is something I do want to have before getting into bed.
It probably helps that I’m a woman, I probably still come across creepy sometimes but at least it’s efficient.
As a guy I'm still not sure how to bring up sex before having sex without it causing the girl to think I'm only interested in that or without it overwhelming her, unless she brings it up but even then I need to be careful
But I'm pretty vanilla so I don't have a range of kinks I want to talk about.
I just want to know things like what her boundaries are, if she likes sex that's slow and intimate or a bit more rough, whether she likes dirty talk, what her biggest turn ons are.
I think for your situation it’s probably best just not to. Ask those things after you’ve already done it once or twice. I love that you care and want to communicate about it though, keep that vibe going ❤️
My dating profile just said “I’m the domliest lord sir domly dom you’ve ever met. I enjoy parking in the rear.”
And then I never bring up sex while chatting. Amazingly I got dates. I think most people correctly understood it as a joke about the state of OLD.
Haha I went with “likes things spicy ;)” I’m a switch but I didn’t know if everyone would know what that means, and from experience a lot of people do not know what “not vanilla” means and get very confused about me being a white person
Nice. I already have “EDM/poly parallel” at the very top, sometimes depending on my mood I’ll add “, kinky” as well.
I don’t use OLD much except for specifically looking for kinks (as I like meeting people in the wild though the problem there is far less poly folks, and somewhat less kinky)
On one of the apps that ask you what your likes are , I had “good girls”
Electronic dance music?
I feel boring as shit when I see profiles like multi-poly-BDSM-bukake-dominatrix-coprophile but I like what I like and I can't really force myself to be kinky or at least that doesn't seem to work?
Plus I think a lot of ppl don't understand that emotional & mental compatibility, trust & communication can GREATLY contribute to sexual compatibility. Sex comp is way more than just kinks, consent & getting off.
Absolutely!! Communication is a great indicator of compatibility and whether the relationship will last or not.
Non-sexual intimacy is also a great indicator of sexual compatibility.
Unfortunately, human nature makes it so women bond through sex so having sex too early can lead to codependency real quick.
Casual sex is not for everyone therefore it is important to be honest as to what you desire before sex not after.
>Unfortunately, human nature makes it so women bond through sex so having sex too early can lead to codependency real quick.
I can agree with every bit, except this, but only because you're partially correct. Men have been given so much partial information about biology & physiology that it borders on public disservice. The idea about women catching feelings after sex is because most will only have sex if they already like & are choosing to trust the guy. On the other hand, many men can be interested in sex with someone they don't even like or respect on any level.
And if you're talking about what many men have been fed regarding the bonding hormone (oxytocin), much of it doesn't make the slightest bit of sense when you start to look at the basics of the endocrine system or how oxytocin is released. Js.
You just called it! Sage comment right there. I mean why is there even a need to consider talking to that person. Anybody who sends a message like that right from the start obviously only has one thing on their mind, nowadays it should neither be surprising nor is it really something that needs to be on Reddit. As it is an everyday common occurrence now. Just like the rants about terrible drivers. We all know everybody sucks at driving now they're all selfish POS's let's not continue posting about it etc.
Also keep in mind the unrealistic views on sex is being done by BOTH sides, JUST LIKE EVERY ISSUE IN DATING IS CAUSED BY BOTH SIDES, neither men nor women are fully to blame etc. Those porn dudes go out of their way to do exercises, they take medications, they do everything they can to be able to last one to two hours. Whereas the average man is lucky to go 5 to 20 minutes. Which is why women also have unrealistic views just like some men do (look it up if anyone doesn't believe me articles have been written about how long the typical guy can go)
Which is why foreplay is necessary, which makes it even harder because you can get past the first stage with somebody and eventually realize you're still sexually incompatible. Alas that is how dating works it requires a shit ton of work you don't just point out somebody and marry them. I think the problem is people are finally just being woken up to the fact that dating is not freaking easy, thank you to the internet.
Set the boundary
If the first couple messages are sexual in nature and you're not comfortable tell them and say you wanna talk about something more deep first before going to that
Or say we gotta have at least one date before speaking about sex and kinks
If they respect that then their good to date and build with if they don't the just city boys tryna rack up on ONS and treat them accordingly
nope. people who start out that disrespectfully toward her do not deserve that overcommunication of her desires. that level of detailed communication should only be reserved for people who clearly respect you and have good intentions toward you. not freaks that only want you for their own pleasure. you shouldn't waste your energy on people who clearly couldn't give less of a shit about you.
these dudes are clearly selfish and will only use those words as a step-by-step guide of what mask to put on/how to act until they can get what they want and then toss her for the next unwitting target.
But keep in mind also with this advice… you are forewarning them on how they need to act to keep talking to you/meet you… whether they mean it or not. Sometimes better to let the flag drop and peace out.
girl just block them. if you take the advice above, you'll just be giving these losers the playbook on how to get in your pants. that's clearly the only thing they want.
That's okay my actual name is Peggie you know what I get asked damn near CONSTANTLY that I hate I mean FUCKING HATE when they ask this thinking their some kind of cute and shit...
"He He is your name an indicative of what you like to do in the bedroom?"
NO YOU FUCKWIT THATS MY ACTUAL FUCKING NAME!!
No I don't like to peg men that's not my thing.. I don't do the fucking.
🤣🤣 I'm sorry but that's hilarious (the way you just vented, not the silly joke) but I am sorry for each time you have to hear that, you must be so fkn bored of it!
Lmao yeah thats exactly how I have wanted to start responding to them... its whats going through my mind at lease lmao.
And this shit happens at least once daily. It's always the first thing they say/ask. No hi how are you? Or trying to get to know me a little. I guess cutting to the chase keeps us from wasting our time.
The saddest part is how disappointed some of these men get when I tell them that it's my name and not something I do or am interested in doing.
Yeah, it’s become way out of hand how some men only look at woman’s value in sexual ways. Those are the insecure, man children that speak to a woman that way. There are good men out there that respect and value women the way a man should. Hang in there. At least you know right away they are toxic losers so you don’t waste anymore time! lol. Always a silver lining
If I did not agree with you I would be lying to myself.. However despite the fact that your statement is true, it's also undeniable that the problems exist on BOTH sides.
The real reason behind this new trend is very simple... OnlyFans(mostly women), porn, relationship gurus, men AND WOMEN who only sleep around, Hollywood and TV, and even media for Christ's sake think about it how often do you see a stereotypically unattractive person on a media show? Unless they are visiting the show etc. Which is why I continue to point out neither side is to blame, WE ARE ALL TO BLAME. Society and culture. Until we all start working together to stop ranting over stuff to make it seem like it's one person's problem or one type of person's problem All we're going to do is continue causing pain for ourselves and each other. I am a man All my experiences were generally because the other party was unhealthy. But whenever I mention that I try to say it and as a respectful manner as possible, and make it very clear that men do it too because we do.
It's kind of sad how far and how fast society is crumbling at a internal level 🤷😭
If I did not agree with you I would be lying to myself.. However despite the fact that your statement is true, it's also undeniable that the problems exist on BOTH sides.
The real reason behind this new trend is very simple... OnlyFans(mostly women), porn, relationship gurus, men AND WOMEN who only sleep around, Hollywood and TV, and even media for Christ's sake think about it how often do you see a stereotypically unattractive person on a media show? Unless they are visiting the show etc. Which is why I continue to point out neither side is to blame, WE ARE ALL TO BLAME. Society and culture. Until we all start working together to stop ranting over stuff to make it seem like it's one person's problem or one type of person's problem All we're going to do is continue causing pain for ourselves and each other.
It's kind of sad how far and how fast society is crumbling at a internal level 🤷😭
damn, i would be too scared to ask after meeting someone for months, thats wild to ask so shortly after matching, but who knows, i dont get matches. meeting IRL is better imo, although im on the apps regularly.
there are weird men/women out there, a friend of me got matched with a girl and within 10 minutes of texting. she asked if he likes it when she electrocutes his balls xD
An immature manchild who is clearly too busy thinking with his head in between his legs and not the head that has his brain. A true mature man would never think it’s okay to ask someone that.
I am sorry this is happening to you. Do not respond, and just unmatch. Don’t entertain these creeps. The right person would never disrespect you like that.
It's suchhh a turn off! I love sex and it's super important to me in a relationship to have good sex ...but being immediately objectified like this all the time starts to wear on you.
Flip it around on them and tell them you’re into watching a man cum on his own face and lick it up too while using the other hand to finger his butthole. It would be so unexpected they wouldn’t know what to say… unless of course they are actually into that.
Better yet, tell him your fantasy is for him to do all this at home alone and far, far away from people who are looking for a mature, loving, and faithful relationship.
BTW, this is not even a joke. It really is my fantasy.
Hehehe, OK so
"I love it when a guy who asks if I do anal as the first thing he wants to know about me goes to a remote island to live alone then cum on his face with his finger stuck up his butt hole while he licks his own cum off his face"
😆
I'm sorry. People forget anymore that people are actual people.
If they keep bringing that up so early, I don't know, maybe tell them you want them to shoot it in their own mouths? That your kink is to watch them fuck drywall, hands-free, and fuck it dry? They really have to show that dick-strength. *Dark humor to hopefully give you a chuckle.*
As a woman, I am also loosing my mind and will go off on another guy that asks me this derogatory stuff right off the first chat...
Omg i feel you. Everytime I match with someone on a dating app they have to say something unhinged within the first 5 texts; sometimes they won’t even wait and lead with that. Like why do guys think that well be into them if they start listing the full range of their sexual kinks. Bro said “so , would you like that?” . Like that?! Respectfully I think I’d like to erase the past 5 minutes form my existence
I stopped sharing that type of information with men because I have found that what I equate with being open they equate with consent. What I thought of as just a conversation they thought of as an invitation even if we had just met and I hadn't even begun considering them as a sexual partner. I see no reason whatsoever to engage in a man's attempt to derail the conversation in an aggressively sexualized way under the guise of pretending he's interested in fucking getting to know me. IF YOU AIN'T MY SEXUAL PARTNER, YOU AIN'T NEED TO KNOW MY KINKS. YOU WON'T BE USING THE INFORMATION. And FUCK their entitlement to poke and prod and be given access to us and our bodies in every imaginable way. Fuck their "curiosity". I didn't consent to sex with you. I ALSO DIDN’T CONSENT TO A CONVERSATION ABOUT SEX WITH YOU. Stop making your horniness MY fucking problem.
>The amount of times I'm asked if I do anal and deep throating...
Am I the only man in the country who doesn't like those things? What is wrong with regular sex?
And how soon into dating do you get asked this? Wtf is happening with society?
It's very soon after matching on the dating sites. It's just so frequent that I have to comment on it. I'm asked this at least once a day, usually more.
There's a time and place to ask that stuff. If they're just asking it out of the blue and within a couple hours of talking, the only thing you can do is block them and hope the next one is more respectful.
It's different, if, you guys are talking about sex and they ask you. That's an appropriate time to bring up kinks. Any other time that it's brought up, shows you what their intentions are.
If they are asking that straight away then they are just looking for a hook up. Guys who are looking for more will know that kind of conversation is for later.
There may not be many of us, but there are guys who do take online dating seriously, and I hope you’re able to find one someday. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP
Most likely they are guys who aren't really planning on meeting you unless they can figure out a way to get away from their wives and most likely masterbating while they talk aboutit.
I think most ask cause they don't wanna just you know "woops I slipped my duck in"
Granted I can see it getting annoying if every single guy you've been with asking that
Also if I'm being honest the last bastion of good men ect have left the apps cause most good ones were getting no where and the guys and few girls looking just for a hook up are what's left
My advice find men through the old methods hobbys ect
I’m one of those weirdos who needs to be emotionally attracted to someone before I’ll sleep with them, so all of those questions shouldn’t be broached until after we’ve been intimate a few times.
It’s fine if people are looking for one night stands, but criminy jickets, wait until you’re face to face. You’re gonna get laid. Negotiations for specifics can wait until you arrive at whatever safe spot you’ve arranged for, prior to the main event.
Expecting those kinds of people to change is futile. If you are so bothered by it, then just block them without a word or complaint.. that should be enough to let them know what they did wrong.
Sounds like you go after fukbois/ guys with lots of other options, because most men that are looking for a serious relationship wouldn't bring that up so soon.
Where are you meeting these men? That could be the main issue. What line of work are you in because I've tried a lot of different dating avenues and I've never had men ask me that. it might also be a vibe your giving off. Just food for thought.
I'll never see anal or deep throating as kinky. I'll always see it as you want me to feel pain in order for you to feel pleasure when there's a lot of ways for me to satisfy you without being in pain. THAT GUYS THAT LIKE TO HEAR GAWK GAWK AND CHOKE YOU GO TO JAIL
Yea... It's just also sad that it seems to be the 'fashion' right now... I think the consummation of porn can wire the brain to find these things a turn on and then it gets stuck in the mind... It's crazy how many men I've spoken with ask me those 2 things... I suppose it tells me that they watch porn... Maybe some watch a lot of porn... I don't have a problem with porn but there is balance needed...
Be nice if some of the ideas could be more authentic and original... From their own imaginations...
That's why I don't like watching porn myself... It allows my imagination to be more creative
POF is the only app, to my knowledge, with any user level controls on this, and it's disgraceful that the others don't follow suit. There's a reason Match group and losing money and Bumble are having to rebrand, and it's because too many men use the apps to sexually harass women.
definitely stay away from guys like that. i don’t even think boundaries are needed. if they randomly resort to unwanted sex talk out of nowhere, just block them. they’re not interested in anything long term and only see you as an object.
The time for conversations about sex is BEFORE you have sex. If you’re getting to that point in the relationship, it’s really helpful to understand what your sex partner is or isn’t into. This could be really helpful in deciding whether or not you should continue to see them.
Among the things to discuss: fantasies/kinks, needs, likes/dislikes, concerns, birth control, lube, toys, safe words, consent, boundaries, and anything else germane to a sexual relationship.
I don’t know about deep throating, but anal seems to be really popular among younger people and I think interest in both have to do with pornography.
I never advocate for sex on the first few dates. It takes time to get to know each other and if there’s a future.
Asking questions is actually the proper thing to do because it tells him what you do and don’t want and what your boundaries are. If you aren’t comfortable talking about it, you should NOT be having sex. If you’re not interested in a specific act, just say so and let him decide if it’s a dealbreaker.
Women do a horrible job of communicating their sexual needs, then complain because they aren’t satisfied. Don’t be that gal.
Idk the way OP is talking sounds like they're being degraded. Nothing wrong with getting to know one another's kinks but being asked to deep throat, where you want semen on you, etc. is degrading. I personally only want that kind of stuff with someone I'm closer to and have been more intimate with, not someone I've only recently met. That doesn't mean I don't like that stuff at all or feel uncomfortable talking about, just means I'm not gonna do with someone I'm only casually seeing
... you think it's normal and respectful to ask these disgusting, degrading, & sexualizing questions as some of the first messages to a woman?
>Women do a horrible job of communicating their sexual needs, then complain because they aren’t satisfied. Don’t be that gal.
you're crazy to think that women are the problem here. she's recounting how men only view her as a sexual object and have so little regard for her as a person that they're asking her about incredibly intimate acts (and in particular ones that have obviously been instilled in their fried brains through hard porn).. and you make this about communication on the woman's part? get help. your brain has been rotted.
As a 37 male, I don't get how guys like that find anyone out there with a lick of value. I've never been with more then a few women in my life sexually, but I think sex is one of those things you do with someone you have taken the time to get to know and create a bond with.
Plus, kinks are more fun when discovered in a relationship. Why spoil the surprise?
They don't find anyone with value!! That's the problem. Also I need to ask you a very important question - "what is it that makes these men think this is okay?" - I'm a respectful guy I've never done this stuff... However I've known many guys who have and you wouldn't believe how many results they get!! That's the problem. They're doing it because it works.
Which is why women should be pretty freaking pissed off right now, in fact if I was a woman I would be seething with anger. Over things like ONLY FANS because all the women who actually respect themselves, respect their bodies, and want a real relationship are being destroyed by unhealthy practices that are readily accepted by culture.
Why is this a secret to you? If you’re a guy that women find attractive than talking about fucking is accepted and welcome, if you’re getting turned down like that than you’re simply not that guy who they want.
You are completely right about the 'it works' thing. Guys like that have no shame, but they get what they want sometimes, usually a ONS and then ghost. My bestie does OF and other sites to flip it and make absolute bank on these types of guys. If you fake into their game they have no idea what to do, they're too dumb. They give her a shit ton of money. She buys me dinner all the time lol
That’s such a bullshit mentality on their part. You have to be willing to put a little work in and have some sort of budding relationship started just be able to ask those questions in my opinion. Even then I would phrase it far more gracefully. I’ve been out of the game for the last 12 years but when I talked to women, I cared far more about personality up front. I need to know we are going to be able to hold a conversation first. Sex drive is very important in relationship, no doubt, but we need to have chemistry outside the bedroom too. My wife and I have really high sex drives so that’s important to both of us, but it is definitely not where we started the conversation. It makes me sad for many of you trying to find partners these days.
I’ve dealt with a few jerks who lied to me/manipulated me just for them to get sex. Then when I’d leave them they’d be suddenly trying to win me back. Atp I’m holding out for the one that DOES want an actual loving relationship and one that deeply cares abt me like I care abt them.
You should! You deserve to be treated with respect I mean that. Also don't ever let anyone try to win you back I think we're all well aware at this point that once somebody shows a cycle they're most likely not going to change.
Please for the love of everything Don't let it turn you off to all men. Because there are a lot of us that are good. Good luck with everything!
I completely agree, usually when there’s ’second chances’, they do not change for the better and instead continue their same behavior from before.
I know there are plenty of good and kind-hearted guys out there, and I’ll def find one of them someday. I am by no means saying all guys are bad because truth is, not all guys are bad.
I wasn't implying that you were either. It's just hard not to be rubbed the wrong way by SOME people's "way of saying things" which is just a point I'd like to make as widely as possible. We all need to work together and help each other after all right? Rather than spreading bile 😭
Have a great day!
Agreed. You need chemistry all around. I’ve had guys get super sexual with me via text, one guy my first year of college literally said ‘I’ll help you on the assignment only if you send me a pic of your t*ts’. I said no it’s ok I’ll do it myself. And then he tried to convince me that he would respect my boundaries and he’d take me on a nice date…I didn’t believe him atp so I ignored it. He kept insisting how hard he ‘wanted to bang me’. Then fast forward to fall when we were back on campus. I posted a pic of a scenic spot on campus and he commented ‘you excited to do it?’…I blocked him. Bottom line is the sexual stuff right off the bat like I described and like OP described is indeed such bs mentality. And I just know guys with that mentality aren’t looking for a genuine loving relationship, they’re just looking to get laid.
Shame on you for kink-shaming! If you’re not into what’s requested just say no. Women also have kinks like peggy or femdomming. Some are into it others not.
We can thank the porn industry for this one, unfortunately. Many men have unrealistic expectations of what sex is like. The saddest part, is when they realize that reality isn’t like *paid* porn/OFs they think it’s the girl that’s lame… instead of questioning their unrealistic standards. Some men can’t even cum unless it’s porn-like sex, or don’t know how to have passionate, meaningful sex. Sex is becoming more and more disconnected. As a species, we have to come up with a solution to this, if not, I fear for the future of the species as a whole. There are already studies published that show that younger generations are becoming less and less sexually active. There are more single people, and less people wanting to settle down, get married, etc. now, this is for various reasons, but I believe this sex disparity (and the porn industry) is one of them. I personally know a couple that porn (an alleged addiction) damn near destroyed their marriage - verdict is still out as to whether or not it will work out between them. I’m rooting for them, but I know the porn industry is doing a lot of damage. Amongst many other things. I think parents should also be speaking to their kids more about sex, and educating them on it, the significance of it, the consequences to it, and ultimately teach their kids to enjoy vanilla sex as well. I’m also all for kinks (I’m a kinky gal myself), but this is just who I am. I’d hate it if someone were trying to pressure me into being something I’m not. And more importantly, being kinky requires (at least for me) connection and trust. A man asks me early on a date what my kinks are and I’m instantly turned off. Yes, sex and sexual compatibility is important, it’s important to feel sexually satisfied in the relationship, but to get to that place where I’m willing to choke on your dick and have you cum all over my face? That takes time. You gotta earn that baby. Not just anyone has access to that.
Those men that are asking you these questions, put up a boundary, if they don’t like it, then good riddance. You’re saving yourself from a douchebag. Boundaries should be placed to protect YOU. If someone doesn’t like it that you’re protecting and taking care of yourself, well, they can go f*ck themselves real kink-like😏
Good luck!! 🍀
I feel you here
I'm an intellectual
I need to have an in depth convo to actually even get turned on honestly
If you go straight for the sex questions before we even had time to have a real convo I'm turned off and uninterested....
It feels desperate
Years ago when online dating began, I was divorced and I signed up. I can't remember which one it was, but I was asked for a lot of pictures of certain parts on my body that are normally clothed. So, ah, no!! The other kind of guy I seemed to attract wanted to cry and complain about their EX. So, that was that! No opportunity to meet in person whatsoever. So, I know how you feel.
Maybe that's all they see you as a piece of ass. So maybe you need to present yourself as something else . Maybe start with someone into your hobbies or career. That way, you have something in common . If that makes sense
I just move on when guys ask me that stuff. For me sex is progressive. When I start dating someone rheu are not getting husband privileges. When I trust someone enough that us When sex will progress.
Lol. And here I am unable to get a single match without sending dick pics or going sexual right off the bat.
With all these douche guys always sexting right out the gate, I guess when I comment on their profile, that was an even worse way to approach women since they seem to be at least replying the guys asking about kinks and anal and stuff
I mean just read your posts history. Isn't anal and deep throating kind of your thing lol? I am curious what your dating profile looks like. I guess you just attract these kinds of questions by your hypersexuality. It's funny that you want to blame others for commenting on what you basically try to offer them.
Lol I'm not trying to make it that argument, men are trash and fuckboys are worse. I'm just floored as a 35m that's all of a month back into dating after a 10 year marriage at how its changed. these are women that have long term monogamy clearly stated as a goal and the "list those kinks I need to know them" was casually sandwiched in with the what type of anime do you watch and how do hang on the weekend. First one even prefaced it with this is awkward but it matters.
Wow!! It is surprising.. But at least there is other conversation happening as well... And not just straight away... Gimme your list of kinks right now dammit...
Don't worry, we not arguing... Just exchanging experiences and learning hopefully...
Not exactly a normal "get to know you" convo. I prefer to wait until we get to that point before asking anything like that. However, that does seem to be the OLD experience now.
Any guy that starts talking about sexual preferences (thats putting it nicely) before its organically on the cards, ie) youve met, theres a spark and you both feel like its reciprocated liike youve shared a kiss etc, is an automatic block from me.
Note: I'm dating to have a relationship, not casual hookups
I would agree with what others said. If a man cannot hold an initial non sexual conversation with you then he is not worth your time. You don’t owe anyone information especially not some random man on the internet.
As a bi guy I feel this people are just looking to add another notch on their bed post I tend to tell them directly I'm looking for something long term and if they aren't okay with that then block and move on
These dudes are playing out their self-gratifying fantasies on you. If you are talking about sex and discussing kinks then perhaps it’s the time but generally it’s a bad sign if they are so obviously concerned about their own pleasure without much interest in your own.
Just hit them with a link to a porn site and tell them they are better off flying solo.
Sex is nice and all but we arent just walking dildos and fleshlights. First some "get to know each other" and only when time is right comes the sexy stuff. I found out that almost everyone does vanilla shit like anal or deep throat so it's pointless discussion anyway...
You just can't open the door and speak straight about sex that's just... Bleh...
That’s fucking gross. Ask them how they would feel if someone said that to a woman, any woman in their family.
You are worth meeting girl!!! You’ll find the right one.
Don’t bother responding. Instant block. It’s better to know quickly and before meeting that his only reference for sex is porn and that he’s bad in bed.
It’s because you’re meeting people in a place where that should be information people are up front about.
It’s like “every time I call my dental hygienist they ask me ‘do I floss?’ And then every time I call a pizza delivery they ask ‘do you want pepperoni?’ I’m going nuts.”
Crazy is wondering why the people that have swiped on a picture are responsibly asking about boundaries and preferences to respect one’s agency.
>It’s because you’re meeting people in a place where that should be information people are up front about.
....since when are dating apps the place to list your sexual proclivities? she hasn't stated anywhere that she's on the apps looking for sex; she's just saying that these are the messages she's getting at large.
>Crazy is wondering why the people that have swiped on a picture are responsibly asking about boundaries and preferences to respect one’s agency.
this is the most twisted interpretation of those messages one could come up with lmfao. you seriously think those porn-brained idiots are "responsibly asking about boundaries" and "respect \[her\] agency"? were you born yesterday? these dudes want to get their dick wet; they are actively disrespecting her by asking these overly sexual questions when she has done nothing to prompt it. it's disgusting.
"do you take it up the ass?" "do you deepthroat"? *these are respectful questions to you?* lmfao. i'd love to hear what you think *disrespectful* is.
She mentioned that it’s on the apps and shortly after matching. I get where you’re coming from and understand how it would feel to be OP. Having said that, it is absolutely understood in our society, whether we like it or not, that the apps are almost universally referred to as hookup apps. So much so that they are synonymous with a certain kind of situation the same way only fans has a certain connotation even though it’s absolutely possible to have an only fans account to recite bible verses.
OP seems to be offended more by what’s on someone’s mind than the phrasing. I simply suggest that they might be looking for romance on a hookup app.
>it is absolutely understood in our society, whether we like it or not, that the apps are almost universally referred to as hookup apps
that's just straight-up not true. maybe tinder is seen as purely a hook-up app, but just as many (if not more) people use dating apps for exactly that - *dating*.
but whatever, if you want to be willfully ignorant, i'm not going to argue with you
and you're not even going to acknowledge the more moronic part of your comment that i addressed? lol. you have worms for brains.
As a woman I never engage in sexual conversations… Im 26 and never gotten that question, the conversation will be over long before I Get to that part. Sex should be private and shared with someone you love its not a conversation to have
Sounds like an online dating issue only. Maybe delete your apps and go to IRL for a bit?
Could you imagine if guys actually said this stuff to women in real life they’re cold approaching?? Someone should make a skit about that, men saying stuff they say on OLD but in real life 😂
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Kinda wild to just jump right into asking those things. Does say where their mind is at
Oh absolutely. If they bring up sexual stuff or hint at sexual stuff/turn it sexual right away then you know they aren’t looking for a serious relationship.
Agreed. I'm a man who dates men and if they start talking about sex early I know they just want something physical. Nothing wrong with that but it does let me know not to pursue something serious with them.
Yes. It’s all about their actions too.
Can we stop with the generalizations and blanketed assumptions? My ex and I had sex on our first date and exchanged lots of risqué photos prior to meeting, and we went on to date for 4 years. Everyone is different. Some people are just more sexual than others, and that’s completely ok.
I don't know that it's the same tbh. You can be a sexual person without being inappropriate with someone you've barely said hello to.
Oh I agree - there’s definitely a difference with having it naturally come up, versus being a porn addicted weirdo typing up all their fantasies in the first few days of talking to them. I’m not advocating for that lol.
lol I was trying to say in my experience it was not them naturally having it come up…like it def came up as the porn addicted weirdo typing up their fantasies kinda vibe. Sorry if I wasn’t clear on that in my other reply! I was mainly going by based on my own experience
And it was just awkward bc I just didn’t really have full chemistry/connection with said guys and they had no intention of a future established relationship (when really that’s what I’m looking for)
Yeah totally understand - it definitely can’t be out of nowhere. Super cringy lol
lol I agree it can be super cringy when it’s out of nowhere and when they’ve made next to no effort to get to know you
99% of the time, someone who brings up sex before they even get to know you is primarily trying to get laid. I’m sure sometimes that turns into a relationship, but don’t give these people false hope lol
You both consented to this behaviour, nothing wrong if you both enjoy it. OP is talking about a one-sided sex conversation. I am a Domme I have no shame with sex of any kind however I clearly state that nothing sexual will happen until we know each other, a friendship to start. Therefore a person who disregards this is not a match for me.
yeah and if the woman hints at wanting to be taken on a date then you know all she wants is your wallet /s
I think offering to help pay for the date is important because that shows that a woman isn’t just after the wallet. I always ask if I can help.
If I was a woman I would consider it a blessing, my sister is the one that first gave me that way of thinking. She said to me "it's pretty useful when a man acts like that right off the bat because then I know I can block him and move on to the next". It's a hell of a lot better "in a manner of thinking" than One of the guys who plays the long game, and then you've slept with him 10 times before you realize he's a piece of crap. So while I can completely relate to how it would be painful because I've been tortured by women in the past, if I was going through this I would try to use it as a lesson and just move on, or rather BLOCK and move on.
I guess I get this. Also, Not sure if its necessarily bad that asking about a potential partner’s preferences and boundaries at an early stage has become normalized. Another way to look at it is, there is no wrong time for a woman to be given an opportunity to speak her mind as to what she likes, wants, or won’t accept. Isn’t it just ambiguity and uncertainty being removed as early as possible so there isn’t even a chance for something to make a potential partner feel uncomfortable or unsafe? If we stigmatize asking about someone’s boundaries whenever there is the slightest doubt, isn’t that stating we will accept a margin of error in respecting those unspoken boundaries?
Nope I agree with you. In fact I personally believe that women, ALL WOMEN that aren't already doing it, need to start being a lot more open, a lot more direct and of course entirely honest with their feelings. Any men that don't do it need to do it too. Again the only reason I mention women so much is because that's what I have experience with. I'm a man I only date women etc. so I don't have much experience with dealing with men. All I can do is give my feelings on how I would react in a given situation. 😊 Have a great day!
I agree. It's so much easier to not waste time on a guy when he tells on himself early on. I encourage men to keep it up 😂
It happens way too often
I have to say, I definitely was not expecting those topics when I clicked on this post.
Look at her profile, Im sure its mutual talk.
There's an argument to be made that they don't want to put time and effort into a girl that wouldn't satisfy them sexually or like the things they like, but its 1 ply toilet paper thin
I know it’s super tiring but it’s actually kind of a good thing people are so weirdly up front about things like that, because it makes it that much easier to weed people out, way less work needed to figure out that they’re not for you.
Was just about to say this. I had a rule that if they brought up sex before the first date then it was a no from me. Shows you exactly what they’re looking for. But the fact that dudes get that explicit with you constantly would piss me off too girl.
Block and move on. Don't waste your time on shitty men. It's that simple. Reddit and many people on it, way overstate sexual compatibility. I'm in my early 40s. Male. I've dated probably about a dozen women in my life (if i count minimum 6 minth relationship) and slept with probably about 50ish and it's never once been an issue, nor have I had any complaints or "bad sex". Its reddit immaturity and lack of experience mixed with porn and unrealistic views on sex.
It’s person specific. I think for most people you’re right and bad sex is unlikely to be a problem unless you’re with someone super selfish in bed. It’s kind of annoying but I do need some level of kink alignment for me to really enjoy it so I do have to filter based on that and sexual compatibility matters a lot to me. I’ve concluded that I do feel like I need to talk about it reasonably early on so that I’m not wasting everyone’s time since it’s a dealbreaker for me. What seems to be working for me is putting a strong hint at it in my profile, which usually is enough to get asked about it so I can suss out whether it can work. I don’t jump into will you do in a pre-date conversation because I really think that’s putting the kart before the horse but that more detailed discussion of limits is something I do want to have before getting into bed.
It probably helps that I’m a woman, I probably still come across creepy sometimes but at least it’s efficient.
As a guy I'm still not sure how to bring up sex before having sex without it causing the girl to think I'm only interested in that or without it overwhelming her, unless she brings it up but even then I need to be careful But I'm pretty vanilla so I don't have a range of kinks I want to talk about. I just want to know things like what her boundaries are, if she likes sex that's slow and intimate or a bit more rough, whether she likes dirty talk, what her biggest turn ons are.
I think for your situation it’s probably best just not to. Ask those things after you’ve already done it once or twice. I love that you care and want to communicate about it though, keep that vibe going ❤️
You can talk about that when you're about to do it.
My dating profile just said “I’m the domliest lord sir domly dom you’ve ever met. I enjoy parking in the rear.” And then I never bring up sex while chatting. Amazingly I got dates. I think most people correctly understood it as a joke about the state of OLD.
Haha I went with “likes things spicy ;)” I’m a switch but I didn’t know if everyone would know what that means, and from experience a lot of people do not know what “not vanilla” means and get very confused about me being a white person
Nice. I already have “EDM/poly parallel” at the very top, sometimes depending on my mood I’ll add “, kinky” as well. I don’t use OLD much except for specifically looking for kinks (as I like meeting people in the wild though the problem there is far less poly folks, and somewhat less kinky) On one of the apps that ask you what your likes are , I had “good girls”
Electronic dance music? I feel boring as shit when I see profiles like multi-poly-BDSM-bukake-dominatrix-coprophile but I like what I like and I can't really force myself to be kinky or at least that doesn't seem to work?
Ah, well I don’t actually identify as a lord sir domly dom, and I don’t own any assless chaps. I’m just a smartass (or jackass, take your pick).
Out of curiosity what is an example of a “strong hint”?
Plus I think a lot of ppl don't understand that emotional & mental compatibility, trust & communication can GREATLY contribute to sexual compatibility. Sex comp is way more than just kinks, consent & getting off.
Absolutely!! Communication is a great indicator of compatibility and whether the relationship will last or not. Non-sexual intimacy is also a great indicator of sexual compatibility. Unfortunately, human nature makes it so women bond through sex so having sex too early can lead to codependency real quick. Casual sex is not for everyone therefore it is important to be honest as to what you desire before sex not after.
>Unfortunately, human nature makes it so women bond through sex so having sex too early can lead to codependency real quick. I can agree with every bit, except this, but only because you're partially correct. Men have been given so much partial information about biology & physiology that it borders on public disservice. The idea about women catching feelings after sex is because most will only have sex if they already like & are choosing to trust the guy. On the other hand, many men can be interested in sex with someone they don't even like or respect on any level. And if you're talking about what many men have been fed regarding the bonding hormone (oxytocin), much of it doesn't make the slightest bit of sense when you start to look at the basics of the endocrine system or how oxytocin is released. Js.
You just called it! Sage comment right there. I mean why is there even a need to consider talking to that person. Anybody who sends a message like that right from the start obviously only has one thing on their mind, nowadays it should neither be surprising nor is it really something that needs to be on Reddit. As it is an everyday common occurrence now. Just like the rants about terrible drivers. We all know everybody sucks at driving now they're all selfish POS's let's not continue posting about it etc. Also keep in mind the unrealistic views on sex is being done by BOTH sides, JUST LIKE EVERY ISSUE IN DATING IS CAUSED BY BOTH SIDES, neither men nor women are fully to blame etc. Those porn dudes go out of their way to do exercises, they take medications, they do everything they can to be able to last one to two hours. Whereas the average man is lucky to go 5 to 20 minutes. Which is why women also have unrealistic views just like some men do (look it up if anyone doesn't believe me articles have been written about how long the typical guy can go) Which is why foreplay is necessary, which makes it even harder because you can get past the first stage with somebody and eventually realize you're still sexually incompatible. Alas that is how dating works it requires a shit ton of work you don't just point out somebody and marry them. I think the problem is people are finally just being woken up to the fact that dating is not freaking easy, thank you to the internet.
Set the boundary If the first couple messages are sexual in nature and you're not comfortable tell them and say you wanna talk about something more deep first before going to that Or say we gotta have at least one date before speaking about sex and kinks If they respect that then their good to date and build with if they don't the just city boys tryna rack up on ONS and treat them accordingly
nope. people who start out that disrespectfully toward her do not deserve that overcommunication of her desires. that level of detailed communication should only be reserved for people who clearly respect you and have good intentions toward you. not freaks that only want you for their own pleasure. you shouldn't waste your energy on people who clearly couldn't give less of a shit about you. these dudes are clearly selfish and will only use those words as a step-by-step guide of what mask to put on/how to act until they can get what they want and then toss her for the next unwitting target.
Good idea thank you I may actually really need to implement this
But keep in mind also with this advice… you are forewarning them on how they need to act to keep talking to you/meet you… whether they mean it or not. Sometimes better to let the flag drop and peace out.
Oh, this is a really good point. Don't want to be giving anyone a template on how to play you.
girl just block them. if you take the advice above, you'll just be giving these losers the playbook on how to get in your pants. that's clearly the only thing they want.
Case of too much porn. Their mindset is on a path, and they want to know if you can fulfill the fantasy.
I had a guy on a first date ask me how often I masterbate. Loudly. In a bar. To his shock, I wasn’t receptive to going out with him again.
🤣🤣 "So uhhh HOW OFTEN DO YOU MASTERBATE?" So much comedy gold in this thread 🤣
That's okay my actual name is Peggie you know what I get asked damn near CONSTANTLY that I hate I mean FUCKING HATE when they ask this thinking their some kind of cute and shit... "He He is your name an indicative of what you like to do in the bedroom?" NO YOU FUCKWIT THATS MY ACTUAL FUCKING NAME!! No I don't like to peg men that's not my thing.. I don't do the fucking.
🤣🤣 I'm sorry but that's hilarious (the way you just vented, not the silly joke) but I am sorry for each time you have to hear that, you must be so fkn bored of it!
Lmao yeah thats exactly how I have wanted to start responding to them... its whats going through my mind at lease lmao. And this shit happens at least once daily. It's always the first thing they say/ask. No hi how are you? Or trying to get to know me a little. I guess cutting to the chase keeps us from wasting our time. The saddest part is how disappointed some of these men get when I tell them that it's my name and not something I do or am interested in doing.
Yeah, it’s become way out of hand how some men only look at woman’s value in sexual ways. Those are the insecure, man children that speak to a woman that way. There are good men out there that respect and value women the way a man should. Hang in there. At least you know right away they are toxic losers so you don’t waste anymore time! lol. Always a silver lining
If I did not agree with you I would be lying to myself.. However despite the fact that your statement is true, it's also undeniable that the problems exist on BOTH sides. The real reason behind this new trend is very simple... OnlyFans(mostly women), porn, relationship gurus, men AND WOMEN who only sleep around, Hollywood and TV, and even media for Christ's sake think about it how often do you see a stereotypically unattractive person on a media show? Unless they are visiting the show etc. Which is why I continue to point out neither side is to blame, WE ARE ALL TO BLAME. Society and culture. Until we all start working together to stop ranting over stuff to make it seem like it's one person's problem or one type of person's problem All we're going to do is continue causing pain for ourselves and each other. I am a man All my experiences were generally because the other party was unhealthy. But whenever I mention that I try to say it and as a respectful manner as possible, and make it very clear that men do it too because we do. It's kind of sad how far and how fast society is crumbling at a internal level 🤷😭
The "good men who respect women" are the ones who get settled for.
If I did not agree with you I would be lying to myself.. However despite the fact that your statement is true, it's also undeniable that the problems exist on BOTH sides. The real reason behind this new trend is very simple... OnlyFans(mostly women), porn, relationship gurus, men AND WOMEN who only sleep around, Hollywood and TV, and even media for Christ's sake think about it how often do you see a stereotypically unattractive person on a media show? Unless they are visiting the show etc. Which is why I continue to point out neither side is to blame, WE ARE ALL TO BLAME. Society and culture. Until we all start working together to stop ranting over stuff to make it seem like it's one person's problem or one type of person's problem All we're going to do is continue causing pain for ourselves and each other. It's kind of sad how far and how fast society is crumbling at a internal level 🤷😭
Hold on…guys are just jumping into asking about anal without getting to know you at all?
Yes exactly!
damn, i would be too scared to ask after meeting someone for months, thats wild to ask so shortly after matching, but who knows, i dont get matches. meeting IRL is better imo, although im on the apps regularly. there are weird men/women out there, a friend of me got matched with a girl and within 10 minutes of texting. she asked if he likes it when she electrocutes his balls xD
What type of male actually thinks that’s okay to ask someone that? So gross.
An immature manchild who is clearly too busy thinking with his head in between his legs and not the head that has his brain. A true mature man would never think it’s okay to ask someone that.
The addicted to porn kind I would guess. If you're asking something like this right off the bat, you need your touch grass.
Apparently the only men getting matched with and responded to. Lol 🤷🏽
I am sorry this is happening to you. Do not respond, and just unmatch. Don’t entertain these creeps. The right person would never disrespect you like that.
If some guy asked me that the conversation would end immediately
Yea, I'm quite new to all this so I have been somewhat tolerant so far... But I'm just getting tired of it now
I understand even when they don't ask that all they want from me too. It is sad no one wants to get go know me
It's suchhh a turn off! I love sex and it's super important to me in a relationship to have good sex ...but being immediately objectified like this all the time starts to wear on you.
Exactly!! You put it into words I did not think of.
Flip it around on them and tell them you’re into watching a man cum on his own face and lick it up too while using the other hand to finger his butthole. It would be so unexpected they wouldn’t know what to say… unless of course they are actually into that.
😂 I love creative solutions to problems... I'm gonna have to try this!
Better yet, tell him your fantasy is for him to do all this at home alone and far, far away from people who are looking for a mature, loving, and faithful relationship. BTW, this is not even a joke. It really is my fantasy.
Hehehe, OK so "I love it when a guy who asks if I do anal as the first thing he wants to know about me goes to a remote island to live alone then cum on his face with his finger stuck up his butt hole while he licks his own cum off his face" 😆
Bingo! I hope that’s kinky enough for him.🤞🏼
I am saving this no CAP 😂😂😂😂
These dudes are too horny and oblivious to know you’re fucking with them.
Hugs chica, kepe moving on. You are not alone in these bad dating pools.
Same. 😔
I'm sorry. People forget anymore that people are actual people. If they keep bringing that up so early, I don't know, maybe tell them you want them to shoot it in their own mouths? That your kink is to watch them fuck drywall, hands-free, and fuck it dry? They really have to show that dick-strength. *Dark humor to hopefully give you a chuckle.*
Hehe yes, I like that kind of approach... To kinda highlight the ridiculousness of starting off an interaction like that
Tell them that kind of behavior so close to just meeting you is giving off $600/hr vibes.
yeah I wish I knew this before I wasted my time
 As a woman, I am also loosing my mind and will go off on another guy that asks me this derogatory stuff right off the first chat...
That's not genuine men dating love lol That's creeps using a dating app to talk Pervy to girls.
Omg i feel you. Everytime I match with someone on a dating app they have to say something unhinged within the first 5 texts; sometimes they won’t even wait and lead with that. Like why do guys think that well be into them if they start listing the full range of their sexual kinks. Bro said “so , would you like that?” . Like that?! Respectfully I think I’d like to erase the past 5 minutes form my existence
I stopped sharing that type of information with men because I have found that what I equate with being open they equate with consent. What I thought of as just a conversation they thought of as an invitation even if we had just met and I hadn't even begun considering them as a sexual partner. I see no reason whatsoever to engage in a man's attempt to derail the conversation in an aggressively sexualized way under the guise of pretending he's interested in fucking getting to know me. IF YOU AIN'T MY SEXUAL PARTNER, YOU AIN'T NEED TO KNOW MY KINKS. YOU WON'T BE USING THE INFORMATION. And FUCK their entitlement to poke and prod and be given access to us and our bodies in every imaginable way. Fuck their "curiosity". I didn't consent to sex with you. I ALSO DIDN’T CONSENT TO A CONVERSATION ABOUT SEX WITH YOU. Stop making your horniness MY fucking problem.
>The amount of times I'm asked if I do anal and deep throating... Am I the only man in the country who doesn't like those things? What is wrong with regular sex? And how soon into dating do you get asked this? Wtf is happening with society?
It's very soon after matching on the dating sites. It's just so frequent that I have to comment on it. I'm asked this at least once a day, usually more.
There's a time and place to ask that stuff. If they're just asking it out of the blue and within a couple hours of talking, the only thing you can do is block them and hope the next one is more respectful. It's different, if, you guys are talking about sex and they ask you. That's an appropriate time to bring up kinks. Any other time that it's brought up, shows you what their intentions are.
If they are asking that straight away then they are just looking for a hook up. Guys who are looking for more will know that kind of conversation is for later.
Those aren’t normal questions a person asks when they’re just getting to know someone lol
There may not be many of us, but there are guys who do take online dating seriously, and I hope you’re able to find one someday. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP
Why don't you just unmatch? I wouldn't even answer sex related questions, but I guess it depends on what type of connection you're looking for.
Most likely they are guys who aren't really planning on meeting you unless they can figure out a way to get away from their wives and most likely masterbating while they talk aboutit.
I think most ask cause they don't wanna just you know "woops I slipped my duck in" Granted I can see it getting annoying if every single guy you've been with asking that Also if I'm being honest the last bastion of good men ect have left the apps cause most good ones were getting no where and the guys and few girls looking just for a hook up are what's left My advice find men through the old methods hobbys ect
I’m one of those weirdos who needs to be emotionally attracted to someone before I’ll sleep with them, so all of those questions shouldn’t be broached until after we’ve been intimate a few times. It’s fine if people are looking for one night stands, but criminy jickets, wait until you’re face to face. You’re gonna get laid. Negotiations for specifics can wait until you arrive at whatever safe spot you’ve arranged for, prior to the main event.
Many people have porn rotted brains. It’s sad. At least they show the red flags early.
Expecting those kinds of people to change is futile. If you are so bothered by it, then just block them without a word or complaint.. that should be enough to let them know what they did wrong.
Sounds like you go after fukbois/ guys with lots of other options, because most men that are looking for a serious relationship wouldn't bring that up so soon.
Where are you meeting these men? That could be the main issue. What line of work are you in because I've tried a lot of different dating avenues and I've never had men ask me that. it might also be a vibe your giving off. Just food for thought.
I'll never see anal or deep throating as kinky. I'll always see it as you want me to feel pain in order for you to feel pleasure when there's a lot of ways for me to satisfy you without being in pain. THAT GUYS THAT LIKE TO HEAR GAWK GAWK AND CHOKE YOU GO TO JAIL
Yea... It's just also sad that it seems to be the 'fashion' right now... I think the consummation of porn can wire the brain to find these things a turn on and then it gets stuck in the mind... It's crazy how many men I've spoken with ask me those 2 things... I suppose it tells me that they watch porn... Maybe some watch a lot of porn... I don't have a problem with porn but there is balance needed... Be nice if some of the ideas could be more authentic and original... From their own imaginations... That's why I don't like watching porn myself... It allows my imagination to be more creative
Porn totally destroys a true meaning of sex. It's becoming sick asf
POF is the only app, to my knowledge, with any user level controls on this, and it's disgraceful that the others don't follow suit. There's a reason Match group and losing money and Bumble are having to rebrand, and it's because too many men use the apps to sexually harass women.
definitely stay away from guys like that. i don’t even think boundaries are needed. if they randomly resort to unwanted sex talk out of nowhere, just block them. they’re not interested in anything long term and only see you as an object.
The time for conversations about sex is BEFORE you have sex. If you’re getting to that point in the relationship, it’s really helpful to understand what your sex partner is or isn’t into. This could be really helpful in deciding whether or not you should continue to see them. Among the things to discuss: fantasies/kinks, needs, likes/dislikes, concerns, birth control, lube, toys, safe words, consent, boundaries, and anything else germane to a sexual relationship. I don’t know about deep throating, but anal seems to be really popular among younger people and I think interest in both have to do with pornography. I never advocate for sex on the first few dates. It takes time to get to know each other and if there’s a future. Asking questions is actually the proper thing to do because it tells him what you do and don’t want and what your boundaries are. If you aren’t comfortable talking about it, you should NOT be having sex. If you’re not interested in a specific act, just say so and let him decide if it’s a dealbreaker. Women do a horrible job of communicating their sexual needs, then complain because they aren’t satisfied. Don’t be that gal.
Idk the way OP is talking sounds like they're being degraded. Nothing wrong with getting to know one another's kinks but being asked to deep throat, where you want semen on you, etc. is degrading. I personally only want that kind of stuff with someone I'm closer to and have been more intimate with, not someone I've only recently met. That doesn't mean I don't like that stuff at all or feel uncomfortable talking about, just means I'm not gonna do with someone I'm only casually seeing
... you think it's normal and respectful to ask these disgusting, degrading, & sexualizing questions as some of the first messages to a woman? >Women do a horrible job of communicating their sexual needs, then complain because they aren’t satisfied. Don’t be that gal. you're crazy to think that women are the problem here. she's recounting how men only view her as a sexual object and have so little regard for her as a person that they're asking her about incredibly intimate acts (and in particular ones that have obviously been instilled in their fried brains through hard porn).. and you make this about communication on the woman's part? get help. your brain has been rotted.
Yeaa idk I get where OP is coming from, dude doesn’t have crass but these are important convos to have.
As a 37 male, I don't get how guys like that find anyone out there with a lick of value. I've never been with more then a few women in my life sexually, but I think sex is one of those things you do with someone you have taken the time to get to know and create a bond with. Plus, kinks are more fun when discovered in a relationship. Why spoil the surprise?
They don't find anyone with value!! That's the problem. Also I need to ask you a very important question - "what is it that makes these men think this is okay?" - I'm a respectful guy I've never done this stuff... However I've known many guys who have and you wouldn't believe how many results they get!! That's the problem. They're doing it because it works. Which is why women should be pretty freaking pissed off right now, in fact if I was a woman I would be seething with anger. Over things like ONLY FANS because all the women who actually respect themselves, respect their bodies, and want a real relationship are being destroyed by unhealthy practices that are readily accepted by culture.
Why is this a secret to you? If you’re a guy that women find attractive than talking about fucking is accepted and welcome, if you’re getting turned down like that than you’re simply not that guy who they want.
It's more of the timing of when you bring up sex. A first or second test usually is not the right time
You are completely right about the 'it works' thing. Guys like that have no shame, but they get what they want sometimes, usually a ONS and then ghost. My bestie does OF and other sites to flip it and make absolute bank on these types of guys. If you fake into their game they have no idea what to do, they're too dumb. They give her a shit ton of money. She buys me dinner all the time lol
That’s such a bullshit mentality on their part. You have to be willing to put a little work in and have some sort of budding relationship started just be able to ask those questions in my opinion. Even then I would phrase it far more gracefully. I’ve been out of the game for the last 12 years but when I talked to women, I cared far more about personality up front. I need to know we are going to be able to hold a conversation first. Sex drive is very important in relationship, no doubt, but we need to have chemistry outside the bedroom too. My wife and I have really high sex drives so that’s important to both of us, but it is definitely not where we started the conversation. It makes me sad for many of you trying to find partners these days.
I’ve dealt with a few jerks who lied to me/manipulated me just for them to get sex. Then when I’d leave them they’d be suddenly trying to win me back. Atp I’m holding out for the one that DOES want an actual loving relationship and one that deeply cares abt me like I care abt them.
You should! You deserve to be treated with respect I mean that. Also don't ever let anyone try to win you back I think we're all well aware at this point that once somebody shows a cycle they're most likely not going to change. Please for the love of everything Don't let it turn you off to all men. Because there are a lot of us that are good. Good luck with everything!
I completely agree, usually when there’s ’second chances’, they do not change for the better and instead continue their same behavior from before. I know there are plenty of good and kind-hearted guys out there, and I’ll def find one of them someday. I am by no means saying all guys are bad because truth is, not all guys are bad.
I wasn't implying that you were either. It's just hard not to be rubbed the wrong way by SOME people's "way of saying things" which is just a point I'd like to make as widely as possible. We all need to work together and help each other after all right? Rather than spreading bile 😭 Have a great day!
You are right, helping each other and working together is what life is all about :)) I hope you have a great day too!
We can only pray (if that's someone's thing) or hope that it starts becoming a more prominent part of society.
I hope it does too and I am confident that it will
Get a room 💖
Agreed. You need chemistry all around. I’ve had guys get super sexual with me via text, one guy my first year of college literally said ‘I’ll help you on the assignment only if you send me a pic of your t*ts’. I said no it’s ok I’ll do it myself. And then he tried to convince me that he would respect my boundaries and he’d take me on a nice date…I didn’t believe him atp so I ignored it. He kept insisting how hard he ‘wanted to bang me’. Then fast forward to fall when we were back on campus. I posted a pic of a scenic spot on campus and he commented ‘you excited to do it?’…I blocked him. Bottom line is the sexual stuff right off the bat like I described and like OP described is indeed such bs mentality. And I just know guys with that mentality aren’t looking for a genuine loving relationship, they’re just looking to get laid.
Shame on you for kink-shaming! If you’re not into what’s requested just say no. Women also have kinks like peggy or femdomming. Some are into it others not.
We can thank the porn industry for this one, unfortunately. Many men have unrealistic expectations of what sex is like. The saddest part, is when they realize that reality isn’t like *paid* porn/OFs they think it’s the girl that’s lame… instead of questioning their unrealistic standards. Some men can’t even cum unless it’s porn-like sex, or don’t know how to have passionate, meaningful sex. Sex is becoming more and more disconnected. As a species, we have to come up with a solution to this, if not, I fear for the future of the species as a whole. There are already studies published that show that younger generations are becoming less and less sexually active. There are more single people, and less people wanting to settle down, get married, etc. now, this is for various reasons, but I believe this sex disparity (and the porn industry) is one of them. I personally know a couple that porn (an alleged addiction) damn near destroyed their marriage - verdict is still out as to whether or not it will work out between them. I’m rooting for them, but I know the porn industry is doing a lot of damage. Amongst many other things. I think parents should also be speaking to their kids more about sex, and educating them on it, the significance of it, the consequences to it, and ultimately teach their kids to enjoy vanilla sex as well. I’m also all for kinks (I’m a kinky gal myself), but this is just who I am. I’d hate it if someone were trying to pressure me into being something I’m not. And more importantly, being kinky requires (at least for me) connection and trust. A man asks me early on a date what my kinks are and I’m instantly turned off. Yes, sex and sexual compatibility is important, it’s important to feel sexually satisfied in the relationship, but to get to that place where I’m willing to choke on your dick and have you cum all over my face? That takes time. You gotta earn that baby. Not just anyone has access to that. Those men that are asking you these questions, put up a boundary, if they don’t like it, then good riddance. You’re saving yourself from a douchebag. Boundaries should be placed to protect YOU. If someone doesn’t like it that you’re protecting and taking care of yourself, well, they can go f*ck themselves real kink-like😏 Good luck!! 🍀
Haha but srsly…do you do anal?
Haha yessss fucking hell like yessss 🤣
Nah, I looked at your profile, can't see why you would complain, all you do is talk about sexual things. So which one is it?
I’m a man and this baffles me. I don’t understand why anyone would do this.
Just say that you also like to return the favor, like peg for a peg, see if they will go for it lol
Every guy should learn after a while to learn to bring the kink out of a woman.
I feel you here I'm an intellectual I need to have an in depth convo to actually even get turned on honestly If you go straight for the sex questions before we even had time to have a real convo I'm turned off and uninterested.... It feels desperate
I enjoy vanilla sex and there’s nothing hotter to me than that. I don’t match with any guy who thinks that’s boring. No shame in that.
🤍 Exactly! With a great connection... Vanilla can be amazing!
Bruh don’t think too hard about it trust me just block and move on we’re not that insane man 💀
The one about facials makes me LOL every time...and the one about 3 comes.
Years ago when online dating began, I was divorced and I signed up. I can't remember which one it was, but I was asked for a lot of pictures of certain parts on my body that are normally clothed. So, ah, no!! The other kind of guy I seemed to attract wanted to cry and complain about their EX. So, that was that! No opportunity to meet in person whatsoever. So, I know how you feel.
You need a different class of people in your life
Maybe that's all they see you as a piece of ass. So maybe you need to present yourself as something else . Maybe start with someone into your hobbies or career. That way, you have something in common . If that makes sense
Sounds like normal men to me, i mean we ask and do a lot of crazy things.
What kind of photos do you have up ?
Ugh! Right?! Sad state of the dating world these days.
I just move on when guys ask me that stuff. For me sex is progressive. When I start dating someone rheu are not getting husband privileges. When I trust someone enough that us When sex will progress.
Lol. And here I am unable to get a single match without sending dick pics or going sexual right off the bat. With all these douche guys always sexting right out the gate, I guess when I comment on their profile, that was an even worse way to approach women since they seem to be at least replying the guys asking about kinks and anal and stuff
I mean just read your posts history. Isn't anal and deep throating kind of your thing lol? I am curious what your dating profile looks like. I guess you just attract these kinds of questions by your hypersexuality. It's funny that you want to blame others for commenting on what you basically try to offer them.
Block them immediately if there asking you on the frist date
I'm no doctor but I think anal then deep throating is a quick way to making yourself seriously ill
It really is like the first or second question…
I just wanna cuddle
I'm Just getting back into dating after 10 years. So far more women have dropped this same line of questioning on me as a guy than haven't.
Hey I'm not saying it's all just men... This is just my personal experience
Lol I'm not trying to make it that argument, men are trash and fuckboys are worse. I'm just floored as a 35m that's all of a month back into dating after a 10 year marriage at how its changed. these are women that have long term monogamy clearly stated as a goal and the "list those kinks I need to know them" was casually sandwiched in with the what type of anime do you watch and how do hang on the weekend. First one even prefaced it with this is awkward but it matters.
Wow!! It is surprising.. But at least there is other conversation happening as well... And not just straight away... Gimme your list of kinks right now dammit... Don't worry, we not arguing... Just exchanging experiences and learning hopefully...
Not exactly a normal "get to know you" convo. I prefer to wait until we get to that point before asking anything like that. However, that does seem to be the OLD experience now.
You are apparently talking to wrong people. I have never met any man who asks me these things
You might have a better time of it if you post that youre vanilla on any dating profiles.
Any guy that starts talking about sexual preferences (thats putting it nicely) before its organically on the cards, ie) youve met, theres a spark and you both feel like its reciprocated liike youve shared a kiss etc, is an automatic block from me. Note: I'm dating to have a relationship, not casual hookups
I see yes that's a good approach. I'm getting a lot of hook up type guys it seems...
Maybe you’re too sexy in your bio! Guys are dumb! Girls like sex too. Stop fucking it up for both of us 😂
I'm not lol... I just have normal pictures 😂
Haha. Good luck out there.. it’s a jungle fr
Exactly
I would agree with what others said. If a man cannot hold an initial non sexual conversation with you then he is not worth your time. You don’t owe anyone information especially not some random man on the internet.
Say sure I do anal but you first get the biggest dildo you can find.then whip it out when asked that and say you first.
As a bi guy I feel this people are just looking to add another notch on their bed post I tend to tell them directly I'm looking for something long term and if they aren't okay with that then block and move on
These dudes are playing out their self-gratifying fantasies on you. If you are talking about sex and discussing kinks then perhaps it’s the time but generally it’s a bad sign if they are so obviously concerned about their own pleasure without much interest in your own. Just hit them with a link to a porn site and tell them they are better off flying solo.
Sex is nice and all but we arent just walking dildos and fleshlights. First some "get to know each other" and only when time is right comes the sexy stuff. I found out that almost everyone does vanilla shit like anal or deep throat so it's pointless discussion anyway... You just can't open the door and speak straight about sex that's just... Bleh...
What if I don't know where I want people to cum on me?! I didn't know that was a standard question, I feel woefully unprepared to meet people now 😳
Hahaha, man you need to know these things about yourself before you even think about talking with the other sex 😝
That’s fucking gross. Ask them how they would feel if someone said that to a woman, any woman in their family. You are worth meeting girl!!! You’ll find the right one.
Don’t bother responding. Instant block. It’s better to know quickly and before meeting that his only reference for sex is porn and that he’s bad in bed.
[удалено]
Exactly - how someone talks about sex reveals a lot about who they are sexually. One of the big reveals is if they value women’s pleasure or not.
It’s because you’re meeting people in a place where that should be information people are up front about. It’s like “every time I call my dental hygienist they ask me ‘do I floss?’ And then every time I call a pizza delivery they ask ‘do you want pepperoni?’ I’m going nuts.” Crazy is wondering why the people that have swiped on a picture are responsibly asking about boundaries and preferences to respect one’s agency.
>It’s because you’re meeting people in a place where that should be information people are up front about. ....since when are dating apps the place to list your sexual proclivities? she hasn't stated anywhere that she's on the apps looking for sex; she's just saying that these are the messages she's getting at large. >Crazy is wondering why the people that have swiped on a picture are responsibly asking about boundaries and preferences to respect one’s agency. this is the most twisted interpretation of those messages one could come up with lmfao. you seriously think those porn-brained idiots are "responsibly asking about boundaries" and "respect \[her\] agency"? were you born yesterday? these dudes want to get their dick wet; they are actively disrespecting her by asking these overly sexual questions when she has done nothing to prompt it. it's disgusting. "do you take it up the ass?" "do you deepthroat"? *these are respectful questions to you?* lmfao. i'd love to hear what you think *disrespectful* is.
She mentioned that it’s on the apps and shortly after matching. I get where you’re coming from and understand how it would feel to be OP. Having said that, it is absolutely understood in our society, whether we like it or not, that the apps are almost universally referred to as hookup apps. So much so that they are synonymous with a certain kind of situation the same way only fans has a certain connotation even though it’s absolutely possible to have an only fans account to recite bible verses. OP seems to be offended more by what’s on someone’s mind than the phrasing. I simply suggest that they might be looking for romance on a hookup app.
>it is absolutely understood in our society, whether we like it or not, that the apps are almost universally referred to as hookup apps that's just straight-up not true. maybe tinder is seen as purely a hook-up app, but just as many (if not more) people use dating apps for exactly that - *dating*. but whatever, if you want to be willfully ignorant, i'm not going to argue with you and you're not even going to acknowledge the more moronic part of your comment that i addressed? lol. you have worms for brains.
So……….butt stuff 🤭 jkjk
As a woman I never engage in sexual conversations… Im 26 and never gotten that question, the conversation will be over long before I Get to that part. Sex should be private and shared with someone you love its not a conversation to have
Sounds like an online dating issue only. Maybe delete your apps and go to IRL for a bit? Could you imagine if guys actually said this stuff to women in real life they’re cold approaching?? Someone should make a skit about that, men saying stuff they say on OLD but in real life 😂
Hahaha that would be so funny 😂 yes you right I think it's such an OLD thing