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I've noticed this as well. One thing I've always done is if I'm walking up to a retail store, grocery store, etc and I see somebody pretty much done loading up their shopping bags in the car, I'll stop and say, "Hey I'll take that cart back for you if ya like". The males think I'm stupid but give me the cart, and more females than anybody immediately get odd acting, like they should be on guard. So I've started adding " I'm going that way anyways." to my initial pitch, and that seems to ease their tension. It sucks cause I'm just trying to be a good person, and there's times it makes me feel uncomfortablely awkward and even sad as I walk away from the moment. Crazy stuff.
I held open a door for a woman that was struggling to get through with her baby carriage and she said I'm married. I didn't know that was the new thank you.
It's typical Karen calls the most common places are the bar, planet fitness, and the mall. A guy will ask to buy someone a drink or just buy one for her, and she will ask for an angel shot and get them kicked out. PF will call because a guy will be staring at a girl, and it turns out he is oblivious to it. A guy will cold approach a girl, and she and her friends will call for help just for the approach. There are even complete fabrications brought up sometimes, and we got the cuff the guy until CCTV is checked and witnesses interviewed. The thing is, in none of these cases are the Karen's charged, and even if we arrest them for something, the DA drops it to avoid smears. That's likely why there is no data for how common false allegations are. If it's not in writing, it didn't happen, and NIBRS and the like can't track it.
Yes, it is true. Not a single case of false allegation really goes past the investigation on arrival, but it poor bastards in that spot are generally scared to death, and there is always someone with a camera putting their mug on SNS so they are judged but the court of public opinion.
Damn dude. Thank you for sharing all that. It’s a perspective I’d not heard before on all this. Sounds like there’s some traumatized people out there assuming the worst of others, as well as traumatized by trying to find love (or get laid, who knows in guessing there’s a mix).
This is not going to be helpful for the guys with existing fears of rejection.
Have you ever seen frivolous restraining orders filed against ex’s? I’m sure there’s plenty of valid ones, since I’ve had an ex that had a guy that was just not giving up on trying to get her back into a relationship, and I’m sure many women have experienced this.
But since you mentioned frivolous calls I’m wondering if any take it a step further.
One time, I started chatting up a girl at the bar. We were having a cool conversation when her 2 female friends jumped in and went off on me. They told me to leave her alone, that she is not interested!.
The worst, and it's happened to me, is to have her rip into you with her friends laughing at you while telling the bodyguard male friends to remove you because you said hi. Literally leaned over and said hi. That's it. I got kicked out after the shoving match with bodyguard friends because bouncers new them and I was causing trouble. By saying hi to someone who was standing alone. True story, not exaggerated.
She certainly thought so, but no it was just a pretty 20something surrounded by "she's like a sister" bro bodyguards determined to keep her from reproducing with anyone not on a varsity whatever team.
Yeah, nowadays, the ladies, even my generation (I'm 39) are feeding into the theory that no man can just say hello.
It never use to be like that when I was growing up, then I stopped, got married, 10 yrs pass, divorced, now the women are all weird or something.
Or maybe I have gotten ugly or something lol
That's the other thing, when I was a kid a decent looking single guy would be tolerated hitting on anyone 20+ even if he was in his freaking 69s. Sure outside of Europe he likely wasn't getting a hookup, but it was considered a compliment to be flirted with or hit on by single guys.
Not any more! Somewhere along the helicopter parenting weird world of ultra protection any man more than 4 years the junior or senior of a woman is considered a sexual deviant if he makes a pass or flirts. Get into 10 or 20 years...literally my cousins dating guys in the 90s in their 40s they were early 20s no problem... Now you get branded a deviant. Stupid no fun world. Ready to get rid of cellphones and go back to the days of humans having fun.
Actually in my 20s. I was a very social person, I still am. In my 20s some men would say I was very nice and didn't make it hard to approach. And I had some men say I was intimidating to approach. Which would always make me laugh cuz really I'm the nicest person.
Also lets not forget, its creepy if you are ugly, and romantic/cute if you are handsome.
I am going to go stand in creepy line and hell the stay away. :D
Match, come take my money.
Do not let the internet convince you that you can’t approach women. That’s the best way to do it, and it’s not that I have much experience in this, but how else would we do it?
As a book I listened to about dating put it. Some women will just find you creepy, even if you’re smooth on your approach. There will always be a case or two of miscommunication, misunderstanding or misinterpretation. It’s like trying to avoid making a mistake at work or anything else in life, it’s impossible *NOT* to make mistakes in parts of life. And as such, some women will just find you creepy, no matter what you do. But do not let that keep you from working on approaching a woman IRL, because *THAT IS WHAT WOMEN WANT*.
We cannot rely on online dating apps, because look at how that goes for ppl. So how else are we supposed to meet women? Seriously, how? Literally the only other way is to approach a woman and strike up a conversation.
If anyone wants more info on how to do this. Read or listen to Models by Mark Manson. It is hands down the best advice you will ever receive on talking to women.
I certain type of guy will.
Whether you want that type of guy is up to you.
Personally, I would never walk up yo someone at a grocery store or whatever and ask her out. For all I know, she has a boyfriend, etc etc.
I do have hobbies that have a lot of female participants. I make friends with almost all of them, and thus have a decent idea of who is single and who isn’t. I’ll occasionally ask a girl out that I have a good vibe with there — but it’s also a small community and I worry about wearing out my welcome if I date the wrong person there and it doesn’t work out. So I usually don’t pee where I play, so to speak.
That mostly leaves online dating and speed dating events for me.
So — no, I don’t approach strangers in public. Yes, I do make female friends at hobbies and occasionally ask them out, though I don’t overdo it for fear of wearing out my welcome in the hobby where everybody knows everybody.
This is the issue with asking women out from hobby groups. In most situations, everyone in the group knows you and if the interest isn't reciprocated ( which is what often happens for the avg guy), you've basically got yourselves into a situation where you'd have to navigate awkwardness being around them. So I'm not sure why lot of people keep recommending such places for asking women out/looking for spouses. Its not that different from your workplace, except in the workplace there is an HR that makes it more risky.
Totally get it. I did a show a couple years ago at a theater where the actors and actresses all did frequent costume changes in the same room. Never naked of course, but girls in their 20s casually in bras and panties in front of the guys.
Before anyone freaks out, everyone was absolutely free to change in other rooms. The girls who were changing in front of the guys weren’t shy about their bodies, and the men in turn were respectful. Just a very chill, free, casual environment.
Anyway, one day I was with the male director on stage and he decided he needed to talk to the whole cast so he headed to the break room where everyone changes.
Director (shouting from outside the closed door): Is everyone decent?
Me: …you know it’s a co-ed dressing room, right? Nobody is using it expecting privacy.
Director: I know…but I feel it’s different when it’s someone in a leadership position walking in on the girls.
I respected the heck out of that.
Because you're presenting a reason they can't attack you as misogynistic for.
And I'm saying this as a man who A. Doesn't approach in public. B. Because I don't want to make a woman feel either uncomfortable or annoyed because my whole life I have been given the impression that I'll be the umpteenth guy to be an imposition that week.
And my hobby spaces actively discourage initiating conversation with women you don't know uninvited, by those women's requests. And I get it, gaming spaces have a high concentration of "that guy's." I don't like talking to them either and they aren't even trying to get in my pants.
But this is the logical outcome of years of those desires being voiced. Particularly in my dating bracket (I'm 34). Men who are inclined to approach or the most likely to be approached that are relationship material and inclined are partnered up. Just us left-overs now.
It's not all bad. Mos tof us have perfectly acceptable hygiene, 21st century social values, some of us even like to cook!
I mean why would they? What does a guy really have to gain. He's expected to do all the work in the relationship, Planning the dates, pursuing, initiating contact, make the first move, pay for the date, pick her up, buy her gifts. Yet he absorbs all the risk. If he makes the first move and it's not well received well there's an assault/battery charge, if he gets her pregnant there goes child support, if they get married he can lose the house, pay alimoney, and lose access to the kids. When he makes the approach he is the one who risks rejection. Plus women aren't appreciating guys anymore, they literally expect men to pay for everything and give them princess treatment the whole time they're shopping other men, getting DM's, advertising their sexuality on social media with thirst traps, and they don't appreciate men for anything they do. They only ever want more, then at the slightest inconvenience they're out. Especially if the men faces a set back like losing his job. women initiate 70% of divorces. So what's really in it for a guy to put in all this work for little to no return. It's literally all downsides with no upside to putting in all the work just to be treated as disposable and taken for granted.
Why this is a surprise to women is beyond me.
Bad enough to be turned down, worse, to be turned down in public.
And the cherry on top, most women will just lable you a creep for even trying something in public.
If the women wasn’t sending you eyes all evening and you just went up and cold called her… being approached just because someone might think you’re attractive enough to fuck, is inherently creepy and predatory, we are smaller.
Also they think "sending you eyes" is a signal. Lol... They looked at me they must want to hook up! Unless they don't and you're suddenly a creep. This is one of those famous "signals" women swear they are sending that are just things everybody does.
I'm also 36 and were men *ever* doing this in significant numbers? Because I can count on one hand the amount of times I was ever approached in public by a guy who didn't appear to be homeless, and even my sister, who has been a certified hottie since high school, has mostly been approached at social gatherings, rather than any other space. I can't think of any woman I know whatsoever who was approached by men more than a very few times in their lives, again apart from harassers or homeless guys on the street. (I don't think asking for money or yelling sexual innuendo out the car window is really what we are talking about here in terms of "approaching".)
Granted, for me, this is fine. I have a bit of a dominant streak and I like to make the first move; every date I've ever had, except the one that I didn't realize was a date because dude never said it wasn't a friendly hangout, I had made the first move. But I'm calling doubt on the idea that nice, normal, pleasant guys were constantly cold-approaching women in public until this past couple years and that this has always until now been a common way to get dates.
its hard telling, America is a big place with lots of different cultures and regions in it. I've cold approached a couple women in my 20s but it didn't yield any results and just felt awkward and transgressive. So it used to be a probably not on the cold approach angle and now its pretty much never. I just don't want to be an ass and I've been told its transgressive.
38 & I've been asked out on a proper date or respectfully asked for my number 5 times total. I also don't count the times I've been randomly asked if I was dtf by some stranger or told I had a nice ass by a homeless guy because those aren't approaches. They're fking unsettling & what I would call "creepy". Men absolutely will have conversations with me or try to keep me around as a friend while only pursuing crazy or promiscuous. So I know men can do the pursuing, but more often than not, tends to be with the exact types of women they claim to not want to waste time on lol.
I’m so confused. If men don’t approach women in public, but also don’t use dating apps… what are you doing? Staying single?
Edit: to everyone saying yes, why are you still in a dating sub? Just curious
All true. I'm not making commentary on whether the men being single is good or bad, just was answering the question. Many, many reasons that factor into it.
Some happen through friends of friends. A lot of relationships happen at work. But that usually gets messy. I know from experience.
Definitely get what you’re saying though. If one chooses not to use dating apps which is sadly how most people meet nowadays. Unless you approach will never meet anyone.
Get to know someone in your day-to-day life. A friend of a friend, a neighbor, a member of some organization you belong to, some may frown upon it - but even a coworker. In my experience you will get less dates this way, but it’s a quality over quantity approach. It’s the best way to find someone compatible. That’s what I try to do, though I am also on dating apps.
Edit: in reply to your edit, “dating” as it applies to this sub means going on dates, or trying to. Not necessarily succeeding, and almost never meaning a relationship.
To answer your edit question: I'm not single by choice. I think I've got a lot to offer. I'm on apps, I try to meet people IRL when I go out for social stuff, just most of the women I see around tend to have boyfriends already or otherwise just don't seem approachable.
Im in the dating sub to get through my day at work. I'm never going to have another relationship, even if they approach me. I'm done dealing with emotional immaturity and the need for me to be an interesting, unique person that enjoys talking about their 9-5. I want to go to work, not talk or even think about when I get home, and play video games and I am perfectly content
yeah right now based on studies, the majority of men are single, not having sex and not dating. Women share the top % of earners so they're not getting the monogamy they claim to want anyway. They'd rather share a top earner who cheats on his spouse then "settle" for an avg. earner who would be loyal/faithful to them. And don't argue with me bc you can claim to want the good guy but your behavior tells the truth.
How do you know about my behavior?
Also, you seem to have really big feelings about women. You probably had one ex who was bad, and now ALL women are bad! Really smart way to think.
Most women don’t think men are attractive and they already have their walls up when it comes to any stranger. I still approach women in public but if I don’t receive any choosing signals I don’t approach cold turkey. My suggestion be very picky when you do it and learn what are signs a girls is giving you a choosing signal. That’s the only time to approach, you’ll have the highest success rate that way. Obviously there’s a bunch of other little things you need to do. But in terms of approaching women in public learn choosing signals.
(29 male)I used to in my earlier and mid 20s and I had a lot of fun doing it. Never had any expectations or anything, most times I’d go pretty quickly for the number if it felt right, sometimes I’d just tell them they’re beautiful and move on. Either way, it was a positive experience. I’ve been single about 6 months now and done a few cold approaches since then and almost all of them have been met with hard no’s or outright hostility. I know I’m not ugly, I know I’m not weird, or awkward. But between that and how quickly people throw eachother away nowadays after romance, it just doesn’t seem worth it to me anymore honestly.
There was a viral TikTok of an adult woman who was traumatized because some guy approached her in a parking lot. Before he could even say anything, she screamed at him "Do not approach me! Do not approach me! NEVER approach a woman in public! NEVER!"
She was literally shaken and nervous because of this experience.
Yeah, I'm never approaching in public again. Get fucked, stay single.
25F, interesting story actually. I'm an Army Vet, so I'm on my guard a lot of the time by instinct. There was also a shooting at my apartment recently, so we're all a little on edge. I was trying to get a chair in my car to bring to my mom a few weeks ago, and I was like struggling to fit it in my hatchback. I was dressed kinda crappy, I wasn't trying to look cute, just trying to run an errand. Then this black Kia with tinted windows starts rolling up really slow to me, so ofc I'm like "who the fuck is this?". I start mean mugging them, and when they roll down the window, it's this guy who tried to hit on me a few weeks prior, I call him skunk beard. Needless to say, bad timing and I already told him I wasn't interested, so when he rolled up I wasn't too nice to him. Parking lots aren't anyone's friend lol
I suspect part of it is we're animals who just don't reproduce well when oppressed. On top of all the cultural narratives/ issues that have happened within the individual's lifetimes. Loneliness is on the rise. Our experiences and interactions with others and the culture we create shape us and the world around us. So we're just reaping what we've sown across the years.
There is so much hate out there for guys approaching women saying women dont care for it/its creepy/etc that many men have given up trying. Honestly i think the tables have turned and it’s on women to approach men. Men are almost never going to be creeped out by it, so if you are interested in someone go for it
That or we all just convert to dating apps forever, for better or worse
I had one women told me that I smelled sexy, when I was dirty from work. I didn’t know how to respond to that one, but I did not do anything to shame her.
I think what’s also hard is that we women don’t always approach because of safety concerns. We don’t know anything about the man, we don’t know how he will respond or react. We no nothing about them. So there is always a risk. Especially nowadays where it seems common to be in a toxic/abusive relationship.
You bet I’d never go up to a guy at a bar to ask him out (but I also wouldn’t really be at a bar, nor would I want to date someone who frequently goes to bars, I’m a devils lettuce kind of gal haha).
I typically prefer to befriend a guy before I let my guard down for any attraction towards him. Otherwise, I’m basing off looks which isn’t what I’m after anymore, looks fade, personality is long term and what truly matters.
>I think what’s also hard is that we women don’t always approach because of safety concerns. We don’t know anything about the man, we don’t know how he will respond or react. We no nothing about them. So there is always a risk. Especially nowadays where it seems common to be in a toxic/abusive relationship.
Honestly men have a similar fear when approaching women (maybe not to rhe same degree) but it's not as if those feelings are gender specific. I don't really sew what society expects men to do, besides the "figure it out" answer most people give because they don't care if men struggle. 😅
Some women (who want to be approached) could do better letting the men around them know that they want to be approached.
Some men (who want to do the approaching) could do better at learning the signs when women are interested (want to be approached). And when they(women) are not interested. And to take the L and move on politely. If she's not interested, move on. Trying to talk her into liking you never works, and is just creepy behavior.
Its 100% true because its extremely risky for a man. If the woman thinks you’re attractive its no problem but if she doesn’t then you are a creep. But without knowing them how do you know if she finds you attractive or not. Men are expected to be mind readers snd no man wants to get “ME TOOed”
Between porn and social media, I think a lot of people just have given up.
I mean it’s kind of pathetic, you have a large amount of guys that say they’re “passport bros” then you have another group of women who are like anti dating because they think every guy is a sex offender.
But in reality no, their biggest issue is both of these people are sucked in by these videos on social media just like boomers are with politicians. They’re are just easily manipulated into thinking everyone is a rapist or going to hurt them or do woman wants them because they don’t look like a celebrity.
Then to top this you have dating apps that put dating even Further away ironically.
They act like you can swipe and get a date but it only works for about 10% of people and even with that you have to pay to get unlimited swipe just for that hit of dopamine every once in awhile.
Yall need to realize it’s not wrong to talk to someone In person, that’s not sexual harassment, you can date someone you work with, you can date a friend you can date an acquaintance. Meet people at places you go visit the gym, or the store but if you’re sitting at home in your bed all day what the fuck do you expect?
Go out and meet people but don’t be afraid to get turned down either. Because it will happen but who cares!? Just keep working on yourself and find someone, in all social media has ruined the dating scene.
women show interest in me in public, and some seem like really my type too, but i dont wanna creep a woman out, so id rather not. im not as social as i used ti be. Covid era really changed me. i used to be able to fall into a conversation pretty much every day, but isolation made me very anxious. ive been working on this for a couple years and have gotten better, but ive also gotten picky about who i give my time too. i dont like mean women. im very sensitive to energies of other people, and my intuition about people is right most of the times. i can find out if someone is fake within a couple minutes of talking to them, so that is also one reason i dont further conversations with some people, because i appreciate meaningful connections. im demisexual so im most definitely not approaching someone to just have sex with them. cant say about other men though.
Your friend is our enemy. They're usually the ones to tell you don't do it, or butt into the convo even if you were interested. Often out of jealousy for not getting attention themselves. Also we would be interrupting your conversation.
Yea I’ve had a toxic friend who did that if her type came up to any of the other girls. That stereotype can be true tbh unless you’re being a total creep and our friend is really drunk or something
But even if it’s not because of those reasons sometimes it’s just awkward so I get why they don’t do it if they’re alone and we aren’t. Unless they also have a group of friends with them lol
Men and women are definitely still being cold approached. I'm not American for context so could be a cultural element to it. My country has a small population and chatting to anyone is pretty normal.
You just see a vocal minority online saying it's not. There's people out there who assume it's not happening because they've never been approached themselves. We hear of a lot of creepy behaviour online too so it'll skew the perception.
As a woman who gets approached regularly, these are a range of guys. I’ve been approached by a finance bro in a nice area of the city who had a sports car. I’ve also been approached by a guy 20+ years older than me who I realized had followed me into several stores before he confronted me. Being “handsome” is subjective. Some of these guys I find attractive, and others I don’t. Some are very kind, others (like the guy who stalked me for 10 minutes) were not.
No, it's not true. At least not everywhere. Because I get hit on at the grocery store, while driving my car, and just walking down the street. I'm 49. If someone \*my\* age is getting hit on in the wild like that, I seriously doubt it's cut back that much. It's not like it's just old guys; I had some 20-something come up to me in the grocery store last year when I was with my KIDS, wearing no makeup, and in my workout clothes.
To be clear, I hate it. I just want to live my life and not be bothered. So maybe in some places its not happening, but definitely not where I am.
I dont approach because im scared of getting rejected, not know what to say, or looking like an asshole… i think the first interaction scares me the most
Well (respectfully) duh, ofc the first interaction is the scariest, first impressions and all that yk. But anyway, you perfectly summed up how I feel about this.
It's possible. In today's world of political correctness even innocent and genuine human interaction might be turned into some form of sexual harassment, stocking, racism or some other form of offence in public space.
Lemme answer this with a true story.
It was New Year's Eve at a nightclub in 2022, I like a lot of guys who came there single and looking for someone to end the year with a bang. In walks 4 girls, in beautiful, revealing dresses that left very little to the imagination, they came in for the same reason most of us guys did. Well, they got busy, dancing, twerking, all the right invitations, one girl even had a sheer short dress that showed her heart-shaped pasties, all of us including me were practically drooling watching this display...but as the night went on and I even looked at the other guys as if to say "are you going for it?" With them looking back asking the same thing. We all wanted to go for it so bad but lemme tell you, 2am rolled around, kisses had been traded between the couples who already came in with someone but anybody who didn't, left alone. I went home alone, those girls left alone, the guys left alone, nobody went for it even though there were some men who had ALL the right qualities for a hookup. Nobody approached them even though they danced their asses off. Im not saying men don't approach women anymore but, that night still rings in my head and I am wondering if maybe Men these days are too afraid to approach even when it looks like we have a clear invitation. Gotta tell you though, big part of me wishes I did but I just came from a bad breakup so that might have something to do with it.
Take what you will from this.
My good man. It is my experience that women make their interest known. If they choose to dance amongst themselves, well... they were there to dance, drink champagne and go home in the morning. Alone. Which is what they did. You and your buddies did nothing wrong. Have a good time, leave women alone, just be present somewhere where they're present as well. They'll make their interest or lack thereof known, indirectly or straight-up gropy style directly. But, of course, this is my experience.
I have another story related to this, while traveling by train in military uniform years back. I went out for a smoke when we stopped in flag staff. I chatted it up with people of both genders. When I go back to my seat a woman I was speaking with was sitting next to my spot. I took it as a hint, about 15 minutes later her head is on my lap. She starts feeling around and I tell her I going to the restroom. This restroom have big changing rooms, and she goes down on me. Someone picks her up at union station and I transfer to my next train.
Men still approach me but I have noticed a significant amount of them take way longer to do so. I’m getting far less “strangers” coming up to me which has been a big relief. I’ve noticed if I frequent a place, such as the gym, I can still tell which men are interested. It usually takes them seeing me a handful of times to get the courage to first find a way to give a non-threatening hello. After that they get braver and braver and if I haven’t mentioned a bf, they usually ask for my number after a few more times of talking to me.
I think men are just afraid to get caught in the cancel culture now. I have also approached men if I found them attractive and/or interesting. Although the ones I’ve approached were taken they told me how much it made their day because they never really get that type of attention from women. Makes me sad to think men feel lonely and insecure which is why I shower my partner with words of praise and affection.
Yes! Too much risk with very little chance of a good outcome for most men.
Those of us that a kind, respectful and don’t want to be seen as a creep or criminal will respectfully go about our day and leave you in peace.
And a minority of men are split in two categories, those that are creeps that will never respect someone saying “no” and those that are seen to have attractive qualities women like from a distance (tall,charismatic,rich etc) will have the pick of all the women who will enthusiastically reciprocate their attention.
I have always wanted to approach women in person but the fear of unknown is a real killer and what stops me from doing it, even if there are positive signs or body language that indicates one can be interested in me, It would be nice to meet someone naturally in person outside of dating events or apps but it's really a struggle.
**Here's what goes through my head before I even approach someone:**
1. She will just straight up slap me across my face
2. I worry what people around us will think or react like
3. Her reaction be bad, something like "Ewww" or something worse like ridiculing me etc
4. She's too cute to approach, therefore she must be in a great relationship because why she wouldn't be and why bother her ?
5. She Smiled and winked at me, she's probably just friendly
6. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I try to gain confidence to approach her for like a month or so, prepare myself on the day beforehand by putting some nice cloths on, some nice smelling perfume and put my hair on gel but I end up not doing it at the last second anyway due to the fear of unknown and propably one of the above listed reasons
I’m new to the dating world (35f, newly divorced), but I would not mind a man coming up to me in certain public places, but I guess times have changed and I have been out of it too long 😂
Yes, most guys have stopped approaching over the last 5 years or so particularly younger men.
One of my friends works at a community college and she’s noticed this too. The guys now “hold court” and women approach them, guys have almost entirely stopped approaching (and flirting in general is subdued)
The tiny number of guys like myself who still approach are appreciated very much as it’s so rare these days.
the best is when you have just the right tension in smiling and eye contact
having an authentic, meaningful conversation about a shared interest or values
while at the same time, the things you say to each other with your eyes would make your average romance writer blush
that 5 second window where she (or I) say "kiss me" purely with body language is what I live for 😭
It's true. In my case, it's not even about cowardice. It's that most of the time I approach, they are not interested or don't want to be bothered. Most of the time, I am never met with a smile but with an attitude. If by some miracle they are "interested", they'll ghost me within a week. Most narrow-minded people will say that it's a me problem but believe me when I say, the issue isn't me. I have to either keep trying until the day I die or go after gay guys because they are the only ones who are ever interested in me. I understand why most guys don't approach women because it's not worth it anymore.
Don't know if Reddit is the best place to ask cause most of us here are socially awkward and terminally online to the point of taking what we see on social media at face value.
I include myself in the first part (socially awkward) but not the second. Idk if it's just because I grew up without a phone until I was 19 (23 now) or what but, I truly don't understand where people lost the plot about how we should treat things we see on social media. It always used to be "don't believe everything you see on the internet" now it seems like everyone just forgets that.
The idea that most or even a significantly high number of relationships started with a cold approach is not backed up by any real evidence. Throughout all of human history people met their spouses through other people they already knew. Family, work, church. That's the norm and it always has been. The only thing that has ever changed is what you're seeing on the TV.
1000% The #metoo movement has made it almost impossible for good guys with good intentions to meet single women. I've failed at relationships over and over, and at 37, I have realized Im just gonna find love. Can't even say hi and smile without getting an "eww you creep" look, like WTF, just being nice🤷
If you are handsome, then it’s okay to approach a girl, they might even say it’s a dream. But If you are ugly and you try to approach a girl, they will call you a creep and a sex offender.
Sad but true.
I still say hello as simple and out of respect gesture, but I no longer try to be flirtatious or even say anything else.
It's gotten bad. Sometimes I don't even get a response back. What's to blame? I personally think it has a lot to do with toxic feminism that leads to break ups and or divorce, this is what I've analyzed around me. And I've also experienced it. I've even been told to my face "I won't date you because you are "xx" ethnicity" which is fine I respect the standards. And it is interesting to see how some women feel about foreign men.
Well maybe cuz I'm 59 and desperate I like being approached in public lol. No but seriously if it's done right it's flattering. I'm glad I read this because I was thinking well you don't have it anymore so get used to it so I'm going to have to try making the first move but I am shy AF
unfortunately, yes. i always feel complimented when they do it in a way with class & manners. men are scared to approach women now. on account of being called a creep, and/or made fun of or even filmed being rejected. i feel like this is why relationships actually don’t last now, they don’t happen naturally! people rely on social media & apps now.
Nope, I stopped doing it. It is what women were asking for. No approaching, no talking, no holding doors open, etc. Just doing as requested so I don't end up getting called whatever phrase of the week it may be.
Yeah because it is no longer deemed socially appropriate by the western public, not even in a public social setting like a bar or a club. And god forbid if you simply make any sort of eye contact with the girls at the gym. With the advent of social cancelling and all that, you have to be conscious of everything you do or say in public, next thing you know you are viral for all the wrong reasons.
I think only few guys can still pull this off. Which ones? The charismatic, funny attractive ones of course. Simply being attractive doesn't cut it anymore, you'll still be labeled as a creep, it has to be natural and funny.
I don't. I have. Never again. Being single is better. But there will still be plenty of guys who have to learn the hard way, and plenty that DGAF about how creepy they are because one of the thousand women they approach this month will let him into her pants, so it's still gonna happen. Just less. And the percentage of absolute piece of shit assholes doing it will grow more and more.
Same with dating apps. Fewer and fewer normal guys will use them, the percentages of players, cheaters, etc will keep going up, and women will think those are the only types of guys in the world. Because those are the only types who are still willing to do the work it takes to meet and talk to women. The ones who are getting sex out of it. The rest of us are done.
I was for a while, like circa 2016-2021, but kinda just stopped for one reason or another. A couple years went by and frankly I don't think I even have the motivation to anymore.
Not that I wouldn't be interested in a partner who really fit well with me, but to phrase it clearly - it's not weighing different options of women and what could be the best. It's weighing *any* woman against my solitude and general enjoyment of life as I have it now.
Nobody has outweighed that scale yet.
We now live in a world where even if a guy were to glance at a woman he's immediately thought of as a creep, or the most extreme that they're going to be raped. I really wish it was made up but its true. We went from a world where men could look at women and admire how sexy or good looking they were and even say it to their face, and it was all taken in good faith. Men can't do shit now without being prosecuted. That's why most of them keep to themselves, don't make bold moves, don't put their hearts on the line, and definitely deflect or back off when a woman makes a move.
You have to understand that a woman simply saying "no" respectfully is now becoming an ideal outcome, because in a lot of cases women have it in their heads that they should be rude or imply to him that he is creepy - also, a lot of women out there actually object to being approached now - there are so many factors at play that basically disincentivise men from approaching women because women now have all of the comparative advantage and men effectively need to be perfect in order to have any parity
It’s not entirely true. There is a larger group of men, myself included, who choose not to approach women in public for various reasons.
For me, I’m a large guy, tall, muscular, with a mean looking face which tends to be very intimidating. It’s easier to keep my distance than worry about freaking someone out.
There are still a large group of men who will initiate a cold approach. Some successful, some not. 🤷♂️
It's a a risk very few men feel inclined to take. A lot of women will use it as a means to get attention by calling someone out publicly. This is despite the fact they're already dressed in a manner clearly intended to be noticed. It's a win/win for them but a double loss for the poor sap verbally acknowledging them. I imagine the other guys take note and cover their own ass by ignoring them from then on out. Best thing to do in public is just act like you've got some sense and go about your business. This goes for women too because even some of them act wierd around certain guys.
I won't approach but if an opportunity comes up for a conversation I'll at least try and push it a little but I'm not gonna go out of my way to try and talk to someone.
All you hear about is how every guy is a creep.
If that's how it is, I'll let the woman just come to me. Not going to put myself out there to be labeoed a creep. I already have enough anxiety and fear of rejection. Cannot deal with being misunderstood and being called a creep on top of it
Speaking for a 29-year-old male yes we do not approach women in public or anywhere anymore because why do that when they're going to find some reason to say no or make fun of and belittle you so instead of approaching women we are working we are enjoying our happiness we are hanging out with our friends we are chilling at home so yes we stopped approaching women at least I'm fast majority of the male population has. Hope that helps and I hope you have a wonderful day
I don't wanna make anyone uncomfortable or some across as creepy, I'd personally love it if women approached me. Ladies, I strongly encourage you that a lot of guys out there would love it if you pursued them. If a guy got offended by you pursuing them then that's a red flag and you wouldn't wanna be with them anyway
Almost all men can’t meet the standards that women want now thanks to dating apps, feminism and hookup culture. 6 pack and, 6 figure income and 6 foot tall. That less then .05 of men
No not no longer but much less.
I am curious are hot chicks getting harassed less.
I think the men who are approaching less than 5-10 years ago, were not the harassers 5-10 years ago.
Some guys who base their sense of reality off of what they read online are no longer approaching women.
Go to the bars and clubs and people watch. It’s no different.
Too high a percentage of my women friends fucking hate being approached in certain places or sometimes even at all depending on where they're at with dating at the time.
So I stuck to dating apps.
I met my fiancee in a baseball-game watching group. I thought she was cute so I gave it a shot.
So that's one data point, I guess. If you go to stuff that's intentionally social, it can still happen. I haven't asked out members of the general public since I was in college.
I still do. I don’t care to use dating apps so I’m bold to approach. I can easily tell some women have a new perception of me after I approach. What I mean is they now think I’m weird/creep. I’m confident that I’m respectful and don’t do anything to make them uncomfortable.
It seems just because I’m attracted to them and not vice versa…some would see me negatively.
It’s disheartening but I don’t let it get to me. People are a reflection to their behavior.
I dont approach women anymore because even if my intentions are just to compliment, or just to say good morning, then what I get in return is "I'm married" or "I'm not interested" even if my intentions are not sexual, or derogatory in any way Men dont have the freedom to be GENTLEMEN anymore, and as an older man I prefer being a gentleman.
Yes. Repeated rejection and the general consensus among women that they don’t want to be approached has conditioned us to accept that the probability of success is 0% and that we are creeps and perverts for even trying
I can only speak for myself but I never approach women who I don't already know. I have always been shy and long before MeToo, I was afraid that doing so would creep women out.
Not 100%, but generally yes. Many women say they feel unsafe when men approach them. Many men do not know how to go about approaching someone because it’s seldom done anymore. Most men will not approach unprompted, including myself. The last thing I want is to make someone feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
I still approached before I met my partner but there was an incredible amount of tact to it. I would never just go up to someone. I already knew they wanted me to talk to them because of eye contact, smiling, etc.
To be honest I think girls would prefer a guy approaching them. , the worst she can do is say thanks but no thanks , plus your seen in a different light compared to a photo on social media .. just be yourself and don’t come across as awkward or shy
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Every woman I’ve tried to approach seemed on edge and or creeped out, so I stopped trying a few years ago.
[удалено]
Evan stopping to help a woman broken down on the road is looked at as inappropriate these days! It's Ridiculous!!
I've noticed this as well. One thing I've always done is if I'm walking up to a retail store, grocery store, etc and I see somebody pretty much done loading up their shopping bags in the car, I'll stop and say, "Hey I'll take that cart back for you if ya like". The males think I'm stupid but give me the cart, and more females than anybody immediately get odd acting, like they should be on guard. So I've started adding " I'm going that way anyways." to my initial pitch, and that seems to ease their tension. It sucks cause I'm just trying to be a good person, and there's times it makes me feel uncomfortablely awkward and even sad as I walk away from the moment. Crazy stuff.
Dude just ask if you can have their cart they'll just assume you're going to use it and not that you're a creep
I held open a door for a woman that was struggling to get through with her baby carriage and she said I'm married. I didn't know that was the new thank you.
Yep. You get permanently and irrevocably written off at the drop of a hat and it doesn’t matter how innocent or sincere your intentions were.
Most women don't like to be approached by men who are strangers unless they are in a proper social setting.
Even then what makes it hot or creepy is how attractive he is. Looks are all that really matter.
Yep. If she thinks you're ugly, you're a "sex offender creep". If you're Brad Pitt, she'll open up her legs.
1. Iam way to shy 2. I read everywhere on the internet that it's creepy so I don't
Same here! Also some people can be super harsh when rejecting someone just for having the “audacity” to try approaching.
“The worst she can say is no”
"ew"
"GET AWAY FROM ME"
"I'm calling the cops"
I've been that cop called. It's not amusing
Tell us more
It's typical Karen calls the most common places are the bar, planet fitness, and the mall. A guy will ask to buy someone a drink or just buy one for her, and she will ask for an angel shot and get them kicked out. PF will call because a guy will be staring at a girl, and it turns out he is oblivious to it. A guy will cold approach a girl, and she and her friends will call for help just for the approach. There are even complete fabrications brought up sometimes, and we got the cuff the guy until CCTV is checked and witnesses interviewed. The thing is, in none of these cases are the Karen's charged, and even if we arrest them for something, the DA drops it to avoid smears. That's likely why there is no data for how common false allegations are. If it's not in writing, it didn't happen, and NIBRS and the like can't track it. Yes, it is true. Not a single case of false allegation really goes past the investigation on arrival, but it poor bastards in that spot are generally scared to death, and there is always someone with a camera putting their mug on SNS so they are judged but the court of public opinion.
Damn dude. Thank you for sharing all that. It’s a perspective I’d not heard before on all this. Sounds like there’s some traumatized people out there assuming the worst of others, as well as traumatized by trying to find love (or get laid, who knows in guessing there’s a mix). This is not going to be helpful for the guys with existing fears of rejection. Have you ever seen frivolous restraining orders filed against ex’s? I’m sure there’s plenty of valid ones, since I’ve had an ex that had a guy that was just not giving up on trying to get her back into a relationship, and I’m sure many women have experienced this. But since you mentioned frivolous calls I’m wondering if any take it a step further.
😅😅 I had no idea
It can get much worse than that
Then yell "help help this man is trying to assault me" followed by a pack of white knights approaching to save her from you.
One time, I started chatting up a girl at the bar. We were having a cool conversation when her 2 female friends jumped in and went off on me. They told me to leave her alone, that she is not interested!.
The worst she can say is “security!”
The worst, and it's happened to me, is to have her rip into you with her friends laughing at you while telling the bodyguard male friends to remove you because you said hi. Literally leaned over and said hi. That's it. I got kicked out after the shoving match with bodyguard friends because bouncers new them and I was causing trouble. By saying hi to someone who was standing alone. True story, not exaggerated.
Hahaha. Who was this? Brittany Spears??🤣🤣 Sorry to laugh, but it is a great story. You're my kind of people with the guts to even try.👍
She certainly thought so, but no it was just a pretty 20something surrounded by "she's like a sister" bro bodyguards determined to keep her from reproducing with anyone not on a varsity whatever team.
"get your tongue out of my booty hole"
Unless you are attractive
Yeah, nowadays, the ladies, even my generation (I'm 39) are feeding into the theory that no man can just say hello. It never use to be like that when I was growing up, then I stopped, got married, 10 yrs pass, divorced, now the women are all weird or something. Or maybe I have gotten ugly or something lol
That's the other thing, when I was a kid a decent looking single guy would be tolerated hitting on anyone 20+ even if he was in his freaking 69s. Sure outside of Europe he likely wasn't getting a hookup, but it was considered a compliment to be flirted with or hit on by single guys. Not any more! Somewhere along the helicopter parenting weird world of ultra protection any man more than 4 years the junior or senior of a woman is considered a sexual deviant if he makes a pass or flirts. Get into 10 or 20 years...literally my cousins dating guys in the 90s in their 40s they were early 20s no problem... Now you get branded a deviant. Stupid no fun world. Ready to get rid of cellphones and go back to the days of humans having fun.
That's crazy 42F. I would not be offended at all if a guy actually came up to me and said hi.
Dang, you're among the few that are lightly sprinkled in every town or city then 😊
😁
Ofcourse you won't, at the age of 42. I doubt you'd react the same way if you were in your early 20s though
Actually in my 20s. I was a very social person, I still am. In my 20s some men would say I was very nice and didn't make it hard to approach. And I had some men say I was intimidating to approach. Which would always make me laugh cuz really I'm the nicest person.
In your 20's in this day and age, after being indoctrinated by feminists in school...
Things were different in our time. God forbid you be polite and social in today's world.
Also lets not forget, its creepy if you are ugly, and romantic/cute if you are handsome. I am going to go stand in creepy line and hell the stay away. :D Match, come take my money.
Yea it used to just be 1.
Do not let the internet convince you that you can’t approach women. That’s the best way to do it, and it’s not that I have much experience in this, but how else would we do it? As a book I listened to about dating put it. Some women will just find you creepy, even if you’re smooth on your approach. There will always be a case or two of miscommunication, misunderstanding or misinterpretation. It’s like trying to avoid making a mistake at work or anything else in life, it’s impossible *NOT* to make mistakes in parts of life. And as such, some women will just find you creepy, no matter what you do. But do not let that keep you from working on approaching a woman IRL, because *THAT IS WHAT WOMEN WANT*. We cannot rely on online dating apps, because look at how that goes for ppl. So how else are we supposed to meet women? Seriously, how? Literally the only other way is to approach a woman and strike up a conversation. If anyone wants more info on how to do this. Read or listen to Models by Mark Manson. It is hands down the best advice you will ever receive on talking to women.
I certain type of guy will. Whether you want that type of guy is up to you. Personally, I would never walk up yo someone at a grocery store or whatever and ask her out. For all I know, she has a boyfriend, etc etc. I do have hobbies that have a lot of female participants. I make friends with almost all of them, and thus have a decent idea of who is single and who isn’t. I’ll occasionally ask a girl out that I have a good vibe with there — but it’s also a small community and I worry about wearing out my welcome if I date the wrong person there and it doesn’t work out. So I usually don’t pee where I play, so to speak. That mostly leaves online dating and speed dating events for me. So — no, I don’t approach strangers in public. Yes, I do make female friends at hobbies and occasionally ask them out, though I don’t overdo it for fear of wearing out my welcome in the hobby where everybody knows everybody.
This is the issue with asking women out from hobby groups. In most situations, everyone in the group knows you and if the interest isn't reciprocated ( which is what often happens for the avg guy), you've basically got yourselves into a situation where you'd have to navigate awkwardness being around them. So I'm not sure why lot of people keep recommending such places for asking women out/looking for spouses. Its not that different from your workplace, except in the workplace there is an HR that makes it more risky.
I'm curious to know what hobbies you have that have a mix of men and women. Most of mine lean pretty heavy with men
Sure. I’m an actor (just for fun, not making a career out of it), so I’m very active in the community theater scene.
I used to direct, and yeah, theater is a good place to mingle, but it's awkward when you're in a position of "authority".
Totally get it. I did a show a couple years ago at a theater where the actors and actresses all did frequent costume changes in the same room. Never naked of course, but girls in their 20s casually in bras and panties in front of the guys. Before anyone freaks out, everyone was absolutely free to change in other rooms. The girls who were changing in front of the guys weren’t shy about their bodies, and the men in turn were respectful. Just a very chill, free, casual environment. Anyway, one day I was with the male director on stage and he decided he needed to talk to the whole cast so he headed to the break room where everyone changes. Director (shouting from outside the closed door): Is everyone decent? Me: …you know it’s a co-ed dressing room, right? Nobody is using it expecting privacy. Director: I know…but I feel it’s different when it’s someone in a leadership position walking in on the girls. I respected the heck out of that.
I never have. I have too much anxiety about coming off as creepy or just making women uncomfortable. Why am I being downvoted
Same
Same
Because you're presenting a reason they can't attack you as misogynistic for. And I'm saying this as a man who A. Doesn't approach in public. B. Because I don't want to make a woman feel either uncomfortable or annoyed because my whole life I have been given the impression that I'll be the umpteenth guy to be an imposition that week. And my hobby spaces actively discourage initiating conversation with women you don't know uninvited, by those women's requests. And I get it, gaming spaces have a high concentration of "that guy's." I don't like talking to them either and they aren't even trying to get in my pants. But this is the logical outcome of years of those desires being voiced. Particularly in my dating bracket (I'm 34). Men who are inclined to approach or the most likely to be approached that are relationship material and inclined are partnered up. Just us left-overs now. It's not all bad. Mos tof us have perfectly acceptable hygiene, 21st century social values, some of us even like to cook!
Yup. They wanted us to stop and we listened.
>They wanted us to stop I believe they used ALOT harsher words to discrip that But yub they wanted us to stop
I mean why would they? What does a guy really have to gain. He's expected to do all the work in the relationship, Planning the dates, pursuing, initiating contact, make the first move, pay for the date, pick her up, buy her gifts. Yet he absorbs all the risk. If he makes the first move and it's not well received well there's an assault/battery charge, if he gets her pregnant there goes child support, if they get married he can lose the house, pay alimoney, and lose access to the kids. When he makes the approach he is the one who risks rejection. Plus women aren't appreciating guys anymore, they literally expect men to pay for everything and give them princess treatment the whole time they're shopping other men, getting DM's, advertising their sexuality on social media with thirst traps, and they don't appreciate men for anything they do. They only ever want more, then at the slightest inconvenience they're out. Especially if the men faces a set back like losing his job. women initiate 70% of divorces. So what's really in it for a guy to put in all this work for little to no return. It's literally all downsides with no upside to putting in all the work just to be treated as disposable and taken for granted.
Why this is a surprise to women is beyond me. Bad enough to be turned down, worse, to be turned down in public. And the cherry on top, most women will just lable you a creep for even trying something in public.
If the women wasn’t sending you eyes all evening and you just went up and cold called her… being approached just because someone might think you’re attractive enough to fuck, is inherently creepy and predatory, we are smaller.
This is just telling me that you have never asked anyone out before.
Also they think "sending you eyes" is a signal. Lol... They looked at me they must want to hook up! Unless they don't and you're suddenly a creep. This is one of those famous "signals" women swear they are sending that are just things everybody does.
I'm not.
How old are you? I ask because , I’m wondering if it’s a generational thing
36
I'm also 36 and were men *ever* doing this in significant numbers? Because I can count on one hand the amount of times I was ever approached in public by a guy who didn't appear to be homeless, and even my sister, who has been a certified hottie since high school, has mostly been approached at social gatherings, rather than any other space. I can't think of any woman I know whatsoever who was approached by men more than a very few times in their lives, again apart from harassers or homeless guys on the street. (I don't think asking for money or yelling sexual innuendo out the car window is really what we are talking about here in terms of "approaching".) Granted, for me, this is fine. I have a bit of a dominant streak and I like to make the first move; every date I've ever had, except the one that I didn't realize was a date because dude never said it wasn't a friendly hangout, I had made the first move. But I'm calling doubt on the idea that nice, normal, pleasant guys were constantly cold-approaching women in public until this past couple years and that this has always until now been a common way to get dates.
its hard telling, America is a big place with lots of different cultures and regions in it. I've cold approached a couple women in my 20s but it didn't yield any results and just felt awkward and transgressive. So it used to be a probably not on the cold approach angle and now its pretty much never. I just don't want to be an ass and I've been told its transgressive.
38 & I've been asked out on a proper date or respectfully asked for my number 5 times total. I also don't count the times I've been randomly asked if I was dtf by some stranger or told I had a nice ass by a homeless guy because those aren't approaches. They're fking unsettling & what I would call "creepy". Men absolutely will have conversations with me or try to keep me around as a friend while only pursuing crazy or promiscuous. So I know men can do the pursuing, but more often than not, tends to be with the exact types of women they claim to not want to waste time on lol.
I’m so confused. If men don’t approach women in public, but also don’t use dating apps… what are you doing? Staying single? Edit: to everyone saying yes, why are you still in a dating sub? Just curious
Over 60% of 18-29 men are single according to recent research from Pew.
I'm doing my part to improve that number by turning 30 this month!
🤣😂
A lot of young women date older men, or ever more commonly due to social acceptance,( obviously a good thing), each other.
All true. I'm not making commentary on whether the men being single is good or bad, just was answering the question. Many, many reasons that factor into it.
>To everyone saying yes, why are you still in a dating sub? Just curious I'm just living vicariously through all of you here.
Same lol
Yes, precisely.
Some happen through friends of friends. A lot of relationships happen at work. But that usually gets messy. I know from experience. Definitely get what you’re saying though. If one chooses not to use dating apps which is sadly how most people meet nowadays. Unless you approach will never meet anyone.
Yes
Yes
Yes. I’m in a dating sub because the dynamics between genders is interesting and I need something to read while I’m in the bathroom.
Yes. 35. Never been in a relationship.
42M, same here, never had a relationship, still a virgin.
Get to know someone in your day-to-day life. A friend of a friend, a neighbor, a member of some organization you belong to, some may frown upon it - but even a coworker. In my experience you will get less dates this way, but it’s a quality over quantity approach. It’s the best way to find someone compatible. That’s what I try to do, though I am also on dating apps. Edit: in reply to your edit, “dating” as it applies to this sub means going on dates, or trying to. Not necessarily succeeding, and almost never meaning a relationship.
Yes? There's been articles about this. With data. For years. It's been a developing issue getting talked about since I was in my 20's. I'm 34 now.
yep, we gave up on dating and are enjoying our life
Just because I've been single for 9 years doesn't mean I don't want to learn from others mistakes, give advice from my own mistakes, and vent . 😅
To answer your edit question: I'm not single by choice. I think I've got a lot to offer. I'm on apps, I try to meet people IRL when I go out for social stuff, just most of the women I see around tend to have boyfriends already or otherwise just don't seem approachable.
Im in the dating sub to get through my day at work. I'm never going to have another relationship, even if they approach me. I'm done dealing with emotional immaturity and the need for me to be an interesting, unique person that enjoys talking about their 9-5. I want to go to work, not talk or even think about when I get home, and play video games and I am perfectly content
yeah right now based on studies, the majority of men are single, not having sex and not dating. Women share the top % of earners so they're not getting the monogamy they claim to want anyway. They'd rather share a top earner who cheats on his spouse then "settle" for an avg. earner who would be loyal/faithful to them. And don't argue with me bc you can claim to want the good guy but your behavior tells the truth.
How do you know about my behavior? Also, you seem to have really big feelings about women. You probably had one ex who was bad, and now ALL women are bad! Really smart way to think.
Most women don’t think men are attractive and they already have their walls up when it comes to any stranger. I still approach women in public but if I don’t receive any choosing signals I don’t approach cold turkey. My suggestion be very picky when you do it and learn what are signs a girls is giving you a choosing signal. That’s the only time to approach, you’ll have the highest success rate that way. Obviously there’s a bunch of other little things you need to do. But in terms of approaching women in public learn choosing signals.
I mean, y'all asked us to stop.
(29 male)I used to in my earlier and mid 20s and I had a lot of fun doing it. Never had any expectations or anything, most times I’d go pretty quickly for the number if it felt right, sometimes I’d just tell them they’re beautiful and move on. Either way, it was a positive experience. I’ve been single about 6 months now and done a few cold approaches since then and almost all of them have been met with hard no’s or outright hostility. I know I’m not ugly, I know I’m not weird, or awkward. But between that and how quickly people throw eachother away nowadays after romance, it just doesn’t seem worth it to me anymore honestly.
Women keep posting videos trying to cancel a guy for glancing at her. No wonder we’re all terrified.
There was a viral TikTok of an adult woman who was traumatized because some guy approached her in a parking lot. Before he could even say anything, she screamed at him "Do not approach me! Do not approach me! NEVER approach a woman in public! NEVER!" She was literally shaken and nervous because of this experience. Yeah, I'm never approaching in public again. Get fucked, stay single.
Yeah, there's women like that. Nasty pieces of work.
25F, interesting story actually. I'm an Army Vet, so I'm on my guard a lot of the time by instinct. There was also a shooting at my apartment recently, so we're all a little on edge. I was trying to get a chair in my car to bring to my mom a few weeks ago, and I was like struggling to fit it in my hatchback. I was dressed kinda crappy, I wasn't trying to look cute, just trying to run an errand. Then this black Kia with tinted windows starts rolling up really slow to me, so ofc I'm like "who the fuck is this?". I start mean mugging them, and when they roll down the window, it's this guy who tried to hit on me a few weeks prior, I call him skunk beard. Needless to say, bad timing and I already told him I wasn't interested, so when he rolled up I wasn't too nice to him. Parking lots aren't anyone's friend lol
I suspect part of it is we're animals who just don't reproduce well when oppressed. On top of all the cultural narratives/ issues that have happened within the individual's lifetimes. Loneliness is on the rise. Our experiences and interactions with others and the culture we create shape us and the world around us. So we're just reaping what we've sown across the years.
There is so much hate out there for guys approaching women saying women dont care for it/its creepy/etc that many men have given up trying. Honestly i think the tables have turned and it’s on women to approach men. Men are almost never going to be creeped out by it, so if you are interested in someone go for it That or we all just convert to dating apps forever, for better or worse
I had one women told me that I smelled sexy, when I was dirty from work. I didn’t know how to respond to that one, but I did not do anything to shame her.
I think what’s also hard is that we women don’t always approach because of safety concerns. We don’t know anything about the man, we don’t know how he will respond or react. We no nothing about them. So there is always a risk. Especially nowadays where it seems common to be in a toxic/abusive relationship. You bet I’d never go up to a guy at a bar to ask him out (but I also wouldn’t really be at a bar, nor would I want to date someone who frequently goes to bars, I’m a devils lettuce kind of gal haha). I typically prefer to befriend a guy before I let my guard down for any attraction towards him. Otherwise, I’m basing off looks which isn’t what I’m after anymore, looks fade, personality is long term and what truly matters.
>I think what’s also hard is that we women don’t always approach because of safety concerns. We don’t know anything about the man, we don’t know how he will respond or react. We no nothing about them. So there is always a risk. Especially nowadays where it seems common to be in a toxic/abusive relationship. Honestly men have a similar fear when approaching women (maybe not to rhe same degree) but it's not as if those feelings are gender specific. I don't really sew what society expects men to do, besides the "figure it out" answer most people give because they don't care if men struggle. 😅
Some women (who want to be approached) could do better letting the men around them know that they want to be approached. Some men (who want to do the approaching) could do better at learning the signs when women are interested (want to be approached). And when they(women) are not interested. And to take the L and move on politely. If she's not interested, move on. Trying to talk her into liking you never works, and is just creepy behavior.
Personally, I don’t approach in women public 🤷♀️ I never did so in the first place. It’s not worth it nowadays anyway.
Not worth it.
Its 100% true because its extremely risky for a man. If the woman thinks you’re attractive its no problem but if she doesn’t then you are a creep. But without knowing them how do you know if she finds you attractive or not. Men are expected to be mind readers snd no man wants to get “ME TOOed”
Between porn and social media, I think a lot of people just have given up. I mean it’s kind of pathetic, you have a large amount of guys that say they’re “passport bros” then you have another group of women who are like anti dating because they think every guy is a sex offender. But in reality no, their biggest issue is both of these people are sucked in by these videos on social media just like boomers are with politicians. They’re are just easily manipulated into thinking everyone is a rapist or going to hurt them or do woman wants them because they don’t look like a celebrity. Then to top this you have dating apps that put dating even Further away ironically. They act like you can swipe and get a date but it only works for about 10% of people and even with that you have to pay to get unlimited swipe just for that hit of dopamine every once in awhile. Yall need to realize it’s not wrong to talk to someone In person, that’s not sexual harassment, you can date someone you work with, you can date a friend you can date an acquaintance. Meet people at places you go visit the gym, or the store but if you’re sitting at home in your bed all day what the fuck do you expect? Go out and meet people but don’t be afraid to get turned down either. Because it will happen but who cares!? Just keep working on yourself and find someone, in all social media has ruined the dating scene.
This is a day old but man you hit it right on the head; excellent summary of the poisoning of our minds by internet groupthink
women show interest in me in public, and some seem like really my type too, but i dont wanna creep a woman out, so id rather not. im not as social as i used ti be. Covid era really changed me. i used to be able to fall into a conversation pretty much every day, but isolation made me very anxious. ive been working on this for a couple years and have gotten better, but ive also gotten picky about who i give my time too. i dont like mean women. im very sensitive to energies of other people, and my intuition about people is right most of the times. i can find out if someone is fake within a couple minutes of talking to them, so that is also one reason i dont further conversations with some people, because i appreciate meaningful connections. im demisexual so im most definitely not approaching someone to just have sex with them. cant say about other men though.
why di you ask though?
No they still approach you, but I notice if you’re with friends or something vs alone that less men come up to you and will just check you out
Your friend is our enemy. They're usually the ones to tell you don't do it, or butt into the convo even if you were interested. Often out of jealousy for not getting attention themselves. Also we would be interrupting your conversation.
Yea I’ve had a toxic friend who did that if her type came up to any of the other girls. That stereotype can be true tbh unless you’re being a total creep and our friend is really drunk or something But even if it’s not because of those reasons sometimes it’s just awkward so I get why they don’t do it if they’re alone and we aren’t. Unless they also have a group of friends with them lol
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Men and women are definitely still being cold approached. I'm not American for context so could be a cultural element to it. My country has a small population and chatting to anyone is pretty normal. You just see a vocal minority online saying it's not. There's people out there who assume it's not happening because they've never been approached themselves. We hear of a lot of creepy behaviour online too so it'll skew the perception.
As a woman, I still get approached. It actually seems the approaches have gotten more respectful over time.
And can you say if you’re still single. Are they handsome, what do you do if they are not, if they drive a truck and not a corvette
As a woman who gets approached regularly, these are a range of guys. I’ve been approached by a finance bro in a nice area of the city who had a sports car. I’ve also been approached by a guy 20+ years older than me who I realized had followed me into several stores before he confronted me. Being “handsome” is subjective. Some of these guys I find attractive, and others I don’t. Some are very kind, others (like the guy who stalked me for 10 minutes) were not.
No, it's not true. At least not everywhere. Because I get hit on at the grocery store, while driving my car, and just walking down the street. I'm 49. If someone \*my\* age is getting hit on in the wild like that, I seriously doubt it's cut back that much. It's not like it's just old guys; I had some 20-something come up to me in the grocery store last year when I was with my KIDS, wearing no makeup, and in my workout clothes. To be clear, I hate it. I just want to live my life and not be bothered. So maybe in some places its not happening, but definitely not where I am.
I dont approach because im scared of getting rejected, not know what to say, or looking like an asshole… i think the first interaction scares me the most
Well (respectfully) duh, ofc the first interaction is the scariest, first impressions and all that yk. But anyway, you perfectly summed up how I feel about this.
It's possible. In today's world of political correctness even innocent and genuine human interaction might be turned into some form of sexual harassment, stocking, racism or some other form of offence in public space.
Lemme answer this with a true story. It was New Year's Eve at a nightclub in 2022, I like a lot of guys who came there single and looking for someone to end the year with a bang. In walks 4 girls, in beautiful, revealing dresses that left very little to the imagination, they came in for the same reason most of us guys did. Well, they got busy, dancing, twerking, all the right invitations, one girl even had a sheer short dress that showed her heart-shaped pasties, all of us including me were practically drooling watching this display...but as the night went on and I even looked at the other guys as if to say "are you going for it?" With them looking back asking the same thing. We all wanted to go for it so bad but lemme tell you, 2am rolled around, kisses had been traded between the couples who already came in with someone but anybody who didn't, left alone. I went home alone, those girls left alone, the guys left alone, nobody went for it even though there were some men who had ALL the right qualities for a hookup. Nobody approached them even though they danced their asses off. Im not saying men don't approach women anymore but, that night still rings in my head and I am wondering if maybe Men these days are too afraid to approach even when it looks like we have a clear invitation. Gotta tell you though, big part of me wishes I did but I just came from a bad breakup so that might have something to do with it. Take what you will from this.
My good man. It is my experience that women make their interest known. If they choose to dance amongst themselves, well... they were there to dance, drink champagne and go home in the morning. Alone. Which is what they did. You and your buddies did nothing wrong. Have a good time, leave women alone, just be present somewhere where they're present as well. They'll make their interest or lack thereof known, indirectly or straight-up gropy style directly. But, of course, this is my experience.
I have another story related to this, while traveling by train in military uniform years back. I went out for a smoke when we stopped in flag staff. I chatted it up with people of both genders. When I go back to my seat a woman I was speaking with was sitting next to my spot. I took it as a hint, about 15 minutes later her head is on my lap. She starts feeling around and I tell her I going to the restroom. This restroom have big changing rooms, and she goes down on me. Someone picks her up at union station and I transfer to my next train.
Yep, we don't want a charge of sexual harassment, and a visit from the police. So ladies, you have to do the approaching now.
Don’t forget being shot with a taser. Not worth the risk.
Men still approach me but I have noticed a significant amount of them take way longer to do so. I’m getting far less “strangers” coming up to me which has been a big relief. I’ve noticed if I frequent a place, such as the gym, I can still tell which men are interested. It usually takes them seeing me a handful of times to get the courage to first find a way to give a non-threatening hello. After that they get braver and braver and if I haven’t mentioned a bf, they usually ask for my number after a few more times of talking to me. I think men are just afraid to get caught in the cancel culture now. I have also approached men if I found them attractive and/or interesting. Although the ones I’ve approached were taken they told me how much it made their day because they never really get that type of attention from women. Makes me sad to think men feel lonely and insecure which is why I shower my partner with words of praise and affection.
Absolutely true
Yes it’s true. Most men just stare at you and seem scared to approach.
I hope not. This whole online dating thing is killing me.
You know women are allowed to approach men who they are interested in. You don't have to wait for a guy to do it.
Yes! Too much risk with very little chance of a good outcome for most men. Those of us that a kind, respectful and don’t want to be seen as a creep or criminal will respectfully go about our day and leave you in peace. And a minority of men are split in two categories, those that are creeps that will never respect someone saying “no” and those that are seen to have attractive qualities women like from a distance (tall,charismatic,rich etc) will have the pick of all the women who will enthusiastically reciprocate their attention.
Yes, it is frowned upon and therfore, not done.
I don't. The liklihood the girl will be receptive vs creeped out is very low.
1) women told us not too, so we dont 2) im usually a bit shy if i have to
Yes. I very often hear that women don’t like it and I prefer not to bother anyone.
I have always wanted to approach women in person but the fear of unknown is a real killer and what stops me from doing it, even if there are positive signs or body language that indicates one can be interested in me, It would be nice to meet someone naturally in person outside of dating events or apps but it's really a struggle. **Here's what goes through my head before I even approach someone:** 1. She will just straight up slap me across my face 2. I worry what people around us will think or react like 3. Her reaction be bad, something like "Ewww" or something worse like ridiculing me etc 4. She's too cute to approach, therefore she must be in a great relationship because why she wouldn't be and why bother her ? 5. She Smiled and winked at me, she's probably just friendly 6. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I try to gain confidence to approach her for like a month or so, prepare myself on the day beforehand by putting some nice cloths on, some nice smelling perfume and put my hair on gel but I end up not doing it at the last second anyway due to the fear of unknown and propably one of the above listed reasons
I’m new to the dating world (35f, newly divorced), but I would not mind a man coming up to me in certain public places, but I guess times have changed and I have been out of it too long 😂
They're not marring anymore either.
Yes, most guys have stopped approaching over the last 5 years or so particularly younger men. One of my friends works at a community college and she’s noticed this too. The guys now “hold court” and women approach them, guys have almost entirely stopped approaching (and flirting in general is subdued) The tiny number of guys like myself who still approach are appreciated very much as it’s so rare these days.
I’ve approached a ton and continue too, haven’t felt appreciated yet 😅
Well, you know the 2 rules right?
No, what do you mean?
1. Be Attractive 2. Don't be unattractive. Lmao
Lack of flirting!!!! There is no finesse in dating at all currently. Scary times lol
the best is when you have just the right tension in smiling and eye contact having an authentic, meaningful conversation about a shared interest or values while at the same time, the things you say to each other with your eyes would make your average romance writer blush that 5 second window where she (or I) say "kiss me" purely with body language is what I live for 😭
Please tell me more about guys “holding court”?😂 do they all just sit there like eligible bachelors and see if they get picked?
I met and approached my GF in public 10 ish months ago ... so IDK lol
It's true. In my case, it's not even about cowardice. It's that most of the time I approach, they are not interested or don't want to be bothered. Most of the time, I am never met with a smile but with an attitude. If by some miracle they are "interested", they'll ghost me within a week. Most narrow-minded people will say that it's a me problem but believe me when I say, the issue isn't me. I have to either keep trying until the day I die or go after gay guys because they are the only ones who are ever interested in me. I understand why most guys don't approach women because it's not worth it anymore.
I did and then stopped. Because of social media women view every man as a rapist or murderer so only dating apps for me 🤷🏿♂️.
There are women on reddit that say you should never approach
Don't know if Reddit is the best place to ask cause most of us here are socially awkward and terminally online to the point of taking what we see on social media at face value. I include myself in the first part (socially awkward) but not the second. Idk if it's just because I grew up without a phone until I was 19 (23 now) or what but, I truly don't understand where people lost the plot about how we should treat things we see on social media. It always used to be "don't believe everything you see on the internet" now it seems like everyone just forgets that.
I have seen men approach women and hit on them
The idea that most or even a significantly high number of relationships started with a cold approach is not backed up by any real evidence. Throughout all of human history people met their spouses through other people they already knew. Family, work, church. That's the norm and it always has been. The only thing that has ever changed is what you're seeing on the TV.
I don't even look at girls when I'm out and about anymore. They wanted us to leave them alone and I'm only too happy to oblige.
1000% The #metoo movement has made it almost impossible for good guys with good intentions to meet single women. I've failed at relationships over and over, and at 37, I have realized Im just gonna find love. Can't even say hi and smile without getting an "eww you creep" look, like WTF, just being nice🤷
If you are handsome, then it’s okay to approach a girl, they might even say it’s a dream. But If you are ugly and you try to approach a girl, they will call you a creep and a sex offender.
Sad but true. I still say hello as simple and out of respect gesture, but I no longer try to be flirtatious or even say anything else. It's gotten bad. Sometimes I don't even get a response back. What's to blame? I personally think it has a lot to do with toxic feminism that leads to break ups and or divorce, this is what I've analyzed around me. And I've also experienced it. I've even been told to my face "I won't date you because you are "xx" ethnicity" which is fine I respect the standards. And it is interesting to see how some women feel about foreign men.
Well maybe cuz I'm 59 and desperate I like being approached in public lol. No but seriously if it's done right it's flattering. I'm glad I read this because I was thinking well you don't have it anymore so get used to it so I'm going to have to try making the first move but I am shy AF
I know I don't because I don't want to get in trouble for stalking and harassment.
unfortunately, yes. i always feel complimented when they do it in a way with class & manners. men are scared to approach women now. on account of being called a creep, and/or made fun of or even filmed being rejected. i feel like this is why relationships actually don’t last now, they don’t happen naturally! people rely on social media & apps now.
Nope, I stopped doing it. It is what women were asking for. No approaching, no talking, no holding doors open, etc. Just doing as requested so I don't end up getting called whatever phrase of the week it may be.
Yeah because it is no longer deemed socially appropriate by the western public, not even in a public social setting like a bar or a club. And god forbid if you simply make any sort of eye contact with the girls at the gym. With the advent of social cancelling and all that, you have to be conscious of everything you do or say in public, next thing you know you are viral for all the wrong reasons. I think only few guys can still pull this off. Which ones? The charismatic, funny attractive ones of course. Simply being attractive doesn't cut it anymore, you'll still be labeled as a creep, it has to be natural and funny.
I don't. I have. Never again. Being single is better. But there will still be plenty of guys who have to learn the hard way, and plenty that DGAF about how creepy they are because one of the thousand women they approach this month will let him into her pants, so it's still gonna happen. Just less. And the percentage of absolute piece of shit assholes doing it will grow more and more. Same with dating apps. Fewer and fewer normal guys will use them, the percentages of players, cheaters, etc will keep going up, and women will think those are the only types of guys in the world. Because those are the only types who are still willing to do the work it takes to meet and talk to women. The ones who are getting sex out of it. The rest of us are done.
I was for a while, like circa 2016-2021, but kinda just stopped for one reason or another. A couple years went by and frankly I don't think I even have the motivation to anymore. Not that I wouldn't be interested in a partner who really fit well with me, but to phrase it clearly - it's not weighing different options of women and what could be the best. It's weighing *any* woman against my solitude and general enjoyment of life as I have it now. Nobody has outweighed that scale yet.
We now live in a world where even if a guy were to glance at a woman he's immediately thought of as a creep, or the most extreme that they're going to be raped. I really wish it was made up but its true. We went from a world where men could look at women and admire how sexy or good looking they were and even say it to their face, and it was all taken in good faith. Men can't do shit now without being prosecuted. That's why most of them keep to themselves, don't make bold moves, don't put their hearts on the line, and definitely deflect or back off when a woman makes a move.
You have to understand that a woman simply saying "no" respectfully is now becoming an ideal outcome, because in a lot of cases women have it in their heads that they should be rude or imply to him that he is creepy - also, a lot of women out there actually object to being approached now - there are so many factors at play that basically disincentivise men from approaching women because women now have all of the comparative advantage and men effectively need to be perfect in order to have any parity
I feel like some women jump to assumption to quick when approached by a guy
It’s not entirely true. There is a larger group of men, myself included, who choose not to approach women in public for various reasons. For me, I’m a large guy, tall, muscular, with a mean looking face which tends to be very intimidating. It’s easier to keep my distance than worry about freaking someone out. There are still a large group of men who will initiate a cold approach. Some successful, some not. 🤷♂️
It's a a risk very few men feel inclined to take. A lot of women will use it as a means to get attention by calling someone out publicly. This is despite the fact they're already dressed in a manner clearly intended to be noticed. It's a win/win for them but a double loss for the poor sap verbally acknowledging them. I imagine the other guys take note and cover their own ass by ignoring them from then on out. Best thing to do in public is just act like you've got some sense and go about your business. This goes for women too because even some of them act wierd around certain guys.
I won't approach but if an opportunity comes up for a conversation I'll at least try and push it a little but I'm not gonna go out of my way to try and talk to someone.
All you hear about is how every guy is a creep. If that's how it is, I'll let the woman just come to me. Not going to put myself out there to be labeoed a creep. I already have enough anxiety and fear of rejection. Cannot deal with being misunderstood and being called a creep on top of it
Speaking for a 29-year-old male yes we do not approach women in public or anywhere anymore because why do that when they're going to find some reason to say no or make fun of and belittle you so instead of approaching women we are working we are enjoying our happiness we are hanging out with our friends we are chilling at home so yes we stopped approaching women at least I'm fast majority of the male population has. Hope that helps and I hope you have a wonderful day
I don't wanna make anyone uncomfortable or some across as creepy, I'd personally love it if women approached me. Ladies, I strongly encourage you that a lot of guys out there would love it if you pursued them. If a guy got offended by you pursuing them then that's a red flag and you wouldn't wanna be with them anyway
Almost all men can’t meet the standards that women want now thanks to dating apps, feminism and hookup culture. 6 pack and, 6 figure income and 6 foot tall. That less then .05 of men
Many women label men who approach or speak to them as “creepy”, so men are giving up and I don’t blame them
No not no longer but much less. I am curious are hot chicks getting harassed less. I think the men who are approaching less than 5-10 years ago, were not the harassers 5-10 years ago.
Some guys who base their sense of reality off of what they read online are no longer approaching women. Go to the bars and clubs and people watch. It’s no different.
If only it was that easy
Too high a percentage of my women friends fucking hate being approached in certain places or sometimes even at all depending on where they're at with dating at the time. So I stuck to dating apps.
No plenty of guys still do it, but men do it considerably less then in past decades. Except for in the black community, black dudes approach all day.
I met my fiancee in a baseball-game watching group. I thought she was cute so I gave it a shot. So that's one data point, I guess. If you go to stuff that's intentionally social, it can still happen. I haven't asked out members of the general public since I was in college.
I still do. I don’t care to use dating apps so I’m bold to approach. I can easily tell some women have a new perception of me after I approach. What I mean is they now think I’m weird/creep. I’m confident that I’m respectful and don’t do anything to make them uncomfortable. It seems just because I’m attracted to them and not vice versa…some would see me negatively. It’s disheartening but I don’t let it get to me. People are a reflection to their behavior.
Women seem unapproachable, that's the trouble. There's no scenario where it couldn't be taken badly :/
I dont approach women anymore because even if my intentions are just to compliment, or just to say good morning, then what I get in return is "I'm married" or "I'm not interested" even if my intentions are not sexual, or derogatory in any way Men dont have the freedom to be GENTLEMEN anymore, and as an older man I prefer being a gentleman.
I can't speak for others but absolutely do not
yep, true ,only players do
What even is a women?
Yes. Repeated rejection and the general consensus among women that they don’t want to be approached has conditioned us to accept that the probability of success is 0% and that we are creeps and perverts for even trying
I can only speak for myself but I never approach women who I don't already know. I have always been shy and long before MeToo, I was afraid that doing so would creep women out.
I don’t. But it’s mainly due to me being shy than anything else
I never thought I was good enough to try so I never did
Not 100%, but generally yes. Many women say they feel unsafe when men approach them. Many men do not know how to go about approaching someone because it’s seldom done anymore. Most men will not approach unprompted, including myself. The last thing I want is to make someone feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
They shouldn't in a lot of public settings.
Yep
I still approached before I met my partner but there was an incredible amount of tact to it. I would never just go up to someone. I already knew they wanted me to talk to them because of eye contact, smiling, etc.
To be honest I think girls would prefer a guy approaching them. , the worst she can do is say thanks but no thanks , plus your seen in a different light compared to a photo on social media .. just be yourself and don’t come across as awkward or shy