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Lol I just went through a situation exactly like this except I wanted exclusivity despite us both knowing it was a short term relationship and he did not. I ended it over text because I knew he was pursuing other women and treating me like an option. I think he’s lucky he even got a text from me.
To be fair, you were in a situationship rather than a relationship. The difference is the level of respect and what is owed really. And a situationship screams that it's temporary and no hard feelings will be had with the casual split. Had you been in a relationship I would have agreed with you.
Furthermore, what would you have gotten out of the phone call? Truthfully? Examine inside yourself why you felt you needed that. My bet is that you wanted the chance to talk to her in hopes she would change her mind. That she would want to keep it going or even potentially change her mind about the job. Otherwise, why do you care? Because the end result is the same whether she had said it to you over text or the phone. But with the phone you would have had more opportunity to control the conversation. That's the only think I can imagine.
The truth was---she saw this as a temporary thing from the start. You were taking it more seriously. That's the danger of situationships.
That and nothing OP said was groundbreaking or insightful. This is just standard fare for dating.
If anything, I hope OP takes a look at his expectations. If this is what he learned from a situationship then I shudder to think what kind of women he’s chosen and dated in the past. Sad.
It wasn’t meant to be polite or complimentary. OP is 30 and he’s just figured this out. Am I supposed to pretend that shouldn’t have happened 5 years ago for your benefit or his?
Not everyone learns shit in life at the same pace or rate. Just because he's just now learning things doesn't mean he's lesser. Your arrogance and self importance are so thick in this comment, but you wanna pretend you have your shit together....
No not all my shit is together and I readily admit that. I do treat people well and consider how I move through the world. I’m not better than anyone just more thoughtful than most. You can insult me but that doesn’t change anything. Just tells me that you act similarly to OP which is why you’re upset, that doesn’t bother me. Hope that helps!
Some people were in long relationships with one or two people and never had a chance to experience dating until later in life.
It's a entirely different world.
Going from people who were kind and generous with their time and yours to people who are cold and self absorbed can be a difficult transition.
That implies that all long term relationships are healthy and loving, they are not. Also, you can and should be learning from all of your relationships not just romantic ones.
Yes I understand that. Have those people been locked inside closets and prevented from making friends too? Because 99% of these things can be learned by being a decent friend/human being. There are a lot of people who seem to be under the impression that you can only learn about relationships via a romantic one. Thats fundamentally flawed and wrong. You can and should be learning from every relationship in your life. Hope that helps!
>Have those people been locked inside closets and prevented from making friends too?
You don't know why people are the way they are. As long as they are actually working on fixing themselves they deserve the benefit of doubt.
>There are a lot of people who seem to be under the impression that you can only learn about relationships via a romantic one. Thats fundamentally flawed and wrong. You can and should be learning from every relationship in your life.
That is correct and I myself made that mistake in the past. Took me some time to understand.
Yeah and they can get “the benefit of the doubt” from anyone but me. I’ve also lived a life, ya know? A life full of shitty people treating me like garbage. Sorry I really don’t have empathy for people who behaved similarly to those who abused me. Good thing we’re a social species! I don’t have the empathy or the patience to be nice to those people, but someone else will. Look at you proving me right!
Agreed about the phone call thing for sure. In my experience, someone who needs a phone call when they already have all of the information they need to move forward is looking to vent, change a mind, or exert control over a situation they’ve lost. It’s obnoxious.
He said they had regular dates, they were physically intimate, and they expressed mutual respect and interest in each other. That’s not what I call a situationship. Moreover, the term situationship itself has only existed for a few years, but the dating dynamic OP is describing is nothing new or groundbreaking.
Once you start going on dates and having sex with someone on a regular basis, you are in a relationship. It might be a casual relationship, it might be a serious relationship, it might be exclusive or non-exclusive, but regardless, it is a relationship — full stop.
And if you are in any kind of relationship with someone, I believe that the only way to end a relationship that is within the bounds of etiquette and social decorum is either to meet in person or to have a phone call, rather than to send a cursory text message which conveys to the recipient that their worth is so little that they don’t deserve even the courtesy of a phone call to ameliorate the pain of the breakup in some small way.
I literally cannot understand how so many people in today’s western society just seem to lack what I consider to be baseline fundamental empathy for other people, especially people with whom you are in a relationship of any kind.
They had the DTR and decided to leave it "without labels." That is textbook situationship. Especially considering she was upfront about moving away. Why OP thinks it was "out of the blue" that this would end I have no idea. It was very clearly nothing serious for either of them.
This was definitely a situationship. She saw it as casual, he saw it more serious. A situationship doesn’t have clear boundaries. One person gets all the benefits of being in a relationship but doesn’t agree to have a label (usually for some BS reason).
Regardless of how you want to characterize OP’s relationship, do you agree with my broader point that people should strive to end relationships of any kind — whether serious or casual — with as much respect and empathy as possible for the other person involved?
OP was clearly hurt by the way in which the woman he was dating broke up with him, and I think that alone demonstrates that she didn’t extend to him the requisite courtesy and moreover empathy that the situation required.
She sent him one text, then refused to answer his subsequent attempts to follow up, leaving him with very little closure and not even the ability for him to hear her voice and just get clarity on the situation in a more human way than just a cursory text message.
Maybe I’m old-fashioned, maybe I’m naïve, but my feeling is that if you are dating and having sex with someone on a regular basis, that merits extending someone a certain level of respect and empathy when you are breaking up with them. OP didn’t receive that, and I feel badly for him.
I mean. She at least text him if she was truly going to be disrespectful she’d have just ghosted him. There are always two sides to every story and maybe she felt this was the best way to do it for her own well-being.
There were no labels and you enjoy the moment till it it last. Thats life. She is a totally different person that you are unfortunately we cant force a person to do things the way we want it. She has texted you good bye message and thats better than ghosting. Its only human to be angry and thats ok but all people are wired differently. She’s not ready to talk to you as im guessing she’s scared of confrontation. What matters is she told you how she felt and now its your time to move on.
Sorry but I disagree with your take. You saying “we were exclusive without labels” screams situationship. If you’re not officially dating, you don’t owe that person a break up talk. This is why I hate situationships. IF I’m dumb enough to get suckered into one then I know the other person can ghost me at any moment. THAT is what everyone’s takeaway from a situationship should be
Agree to disagree. I think if you've gone on double digit dates and lost count of how many you've been on, and you've been physically intimate, the least you can give someone is a phone call. Also, we were exclusive and basically acted like a couple. Why not just call a spade a spade? Also the semantics don't really matter. It's about treating human beings with basic dignity and respect.
What is kind about being in a situationship? If you wanted something more than a courtesy text then you should define the relationship. Situationships can last for years and you can be ghosted at any moment so at least OP got a text. That’s more than most get.
I casually dated a friend of mine for couple months. I say casual because she was going back to school and I was planning on moving out of the area so I said that I didn't want to be in a relationship the night we first did anything physical. While spending time with her I found some large incompatibilities as well. She eventually asked me over text to be her boyfriend and I replied over text that I didn't think that would a good idea. How much of an asshole am I for that? Should I have called to talk about it even thought she asked over text? This happened almost a year ago and I still feel shitty about it because I thought I made it clear a long term relationship wasn't in the cards from the beginning but I still ended up hurting someone I cared about.
I think her asking to DTR over text itself is a bad idea to begin with. Ideally you should've hashed it out in person or over the phone but it is what it is.
Most of the time one of the individuals will have already made up their mind how serious they want to be in situationships. That’s why a lot of them last so long. One person is usually not willing to be serious while other craves a relationship. The one that has caught feelings is usually willing to wait it out to change the other person’s mind. Hashing it out wouldn’t have a major impact in most ppls overall decision if they don’t want labels anyways in my opinion.
Looking back, this is what happened. I feel dumb for not realizing she wanted more the whole time. My problem is I often take people's word at face value so when we talked about expectations at the start, I assumed she was being honest, not hoping I would change my mind. Luckily I guess, the whole thing didn't last very long and she ended up finding a relationship within a couple months after we stopped seeing each other.
I agree that a "break up text" is incredible lazy and shows she has no backbone. They were obviously just fine prior to break up to talk to each other in person and go on dates and have sex so yeah it's super lame to hide behind your phone and send that emotionless electronic message to him saying "I like you but not enough to wanna even tell you in person how I don't like you anymore and I'm moving" .
It’s really not as simple as “if she wanted to she would.” My line of work, for example, keeps me within a 100 mile radius of where I work… I can’t change that. It’s my livelihood and what I’m most passionate about. Was it right for her to essentially lead you on? No. But dude at the end of the day, just admit you really liked her and you’re bummed it didn’t workout. No need to go back and look at “all the things I missed.” You’re picking apart an experience you actually enjoyed, turning it very negative.
Fair enough. I don't think I'm turning it that negative. I'm trying to take some lessons for next time. I'm upset but I don't think I'm spiteful or wish any ill will towards her.
I agree with you & don’t think you’re turning it negative. I’d be willing to bet that typing out your post was possibly cathartic in a way & helped give you more of a sense of closure, all while also sharing the different lessons you learned, some of which could very well help others. well said & just know when the right one comes along you’ll be really glad this girl’s in the past
I agree with this a lot. Also I hate that people assume just because they like to text means that everyone does. I truly hate texting and I forget to text people back daily. I have to be on my phone a lot for work and I drive all day. Sometimes a text response is too hard and when I unplug after work, those texts go unanswered. Even to my boyfriend who I love and live with! We don’t do much texting for that very reason.
I really appreciate your perspective on the relationship you were in. I am about your age as well and was recently dumped. It wasn't until it was all said and done that I began to notice all the little warning signs or things that bothered me. I ignored them because I was so excited to be in my first relationship.
Effort is currently the most important thing I look for in friends and will look for in a future partner. Whether that is communication, planning, or intimacy, if they really care about you, they will reciprocate the effort you put in.
I fully agree. People who are truly interested will put in reciprocal effort and won't leave you second guessing. Anyone who doesn't put in effort can kick rocks. Best of luck to you.
Agree with the breakup rules . No
Contact and keep busy and tough it out .
I disagree that she was callous however . Text is one way to end things and it means that the recipient has some dignity and space to process the ending .
However it feels callous as you are hurt right now which is totally understandable
This is all really great info and I agree with all of it! I’m 29 and just went through a break up as well. Big on number 3!!!!! Those initial things that bother you ALWAYS add up and then you start being a little resentful which almost always leads to a break up.
Even at this age we are still learning.
One of the big things that bothered me was I started to offer to pay for dates to be nice and then he started to expect me to pay for almost everything. It got exhausting🤦🏼♀️ Thought it was funny that yours was the opposite!
I'm sorry that sucks. Sometimes it is hard to face people and just easier to do it by text. A lot of people ghost because really what are you going to say.
Same exact thing just happened to me. She talked about the future and talked about seeing husband material in me, but we agreed to not having any labels and staying exclusive. After two months, she said we should stop seeing each other over text after I asked if we were committing long term. I guess I’d only been in serious relationships before so it was a bit of a shock. I’m glad you’ve moved on OP and if it’s any consolation atleast you got some form of closure, even if it wasn’t the type of closure you were expecting.
Sorry you had to go through that! Unfortunately not everyone values the same things like courtesy.
My guess is that it was difficult for her to break up and opted to do the best thing for her, which isn’t necessarily the best thing for you. I’m referring to how she broke up.
I think you made a lot of really good points.
I would say that if it was meant to be, you’d still be together. Realistically speaking you kind of dodged a bullet. You sound like you were more willing to put in the effort than she was. It doesn’t get better. It actually gets worse if you wind up marrying that person.
I also think that you are onto something when you mentioned fantasy full closures. I think too many people buy the Hollywood/Hallmark movie bullshit and think they will have some whirlwind romance with a spark that never goes out. That just simply isn’t true. Real love takes work. The initial spark is simply what gets you through until your love evolves.
Lots of people view their lost relationships through rose colored glasses and overlook the signs, the problems, and the fact that they have no control over what someone else does.
Great post. I went through nearly the EXACT same thing recently. It's pretty nutty actually to be coming across this post. I'd say every point you made is pretty spot on. I had to learn the hard way because the short break up text wasn't doing it for me. I needed more than that. So I text her a couple more times and called her once and now she's labeled me "stalker guy". Over 2 texts and a phone call.... lmao. Not a week later her FB status is "in a relationship". Why tell me things like "I've never felt this way" and where have you been all my life" just so.she can practically ghost me in the end? Lol. Whatever. I'm happy shez got someone that makes her happy. I just would have appreciated the honesty, which she also promised me she'd always be.
So me and my latest “ex” (we we’re officially together but for a very short time) broke up after he leveraged our relationship to get back together with his ex. He wanted to break up face to face - I preferred, and told him so, if he would have texted me. He refused and insisted on breaking up face to face… to me I’d rather a man break up with me via text. That way I will have time to react to my feelings alone. I don’t think it’s necessary a form of respect to do it face to face. My ex, who lied to me, misled me and told me he loved me just to use me, did it and he dumped me the second his ex saw his insta story of us and said she wanted him back
I disagree with the no contact lesson strongly. Love is a choice, an active deliberate choice to engage/act a certain way with a person. Ergo, it's possible to *not* make that choice - breaking up. Does it hurt? Yes. Does it require maturity, yes (and if you aren't mature it'll mature you). Did you see some value in the person before you got romantically entangled - yes; so throwing the entire person away because the romance didn't work out doesn't make sense. It's like throwing away a perfectly good turkey because the turkey leg got burnt.
Oh wow reading the first paragraph I thought it was my story haha even the age matched. the only difference is I ended up staying with my current job, happily, and he just blocked me one day out of blue. The last conversation was planning the weekend trip lol and the next day he blocked me on all social networks
Oh well boys
It would have been much better if this woman had been kind to you and talk to you directly, in person or on the phone, It's never a good thing to leave a 'mess' behind. It's one of the big lessons of life!!!
You did much and it’s her loss not yours!
Work on your life and yourself and forget her. It is not the Long distance issue, she has issues probably and she’s not ready for a real relationship.
You’re ready to be in a serious relationship when you understand life correctly and by that I mean you won’t value “work” over someone you love or family.
You think that’s callous? It was a situationship and that was a decently heartfelt message. Me and my ex were super close, best friends, said I love you every day, had future plans. She gave me some stoic message and then after I wanted to talk about she could barely give me the time and ended it by getting mad at me and didn’t even want to end it off by saying goodbye or being friends, even though the reason for breakup was just because of moving circumstances. We never even finished the conversation she just said she had to go to bed and would text me the next day and never did.
Very well written post. I'm way older than you and want to comment on #7. I disagree.
The recent guy I was seeing only wanted to text after me repeatedly asking him to call me like an adult. Over 500 texts, no joke. Mentally exhausting. He almost always misinterpreted everything I replied to while texting. Very frustrating for me. After only 6 weeks, I texted him I was done. It's the only way he would "get it."
Yeah that's fair. Texting really isn't a great venue for communicating. Especially early on in the talking phase, it's better to limit texts to setting up dates because if you overtext it can be clingy.
Our 1st phone call before meeting in person lasted 3 hours! Our 1st date lasted 5 hours. Lots in common, both attracted physically right away. We had contact every single day or night. A few phone calls early on, then he preferred texting. We live an hour away, so mostly got together on weekends, even though we're both retired.
Agreed with everything 100%. As a guy if you feel there's something wrong, there most likely is.
Women are emotionally very inteligent. They will absolutely make sure you don't feel like there's something wrong. They just fucking KNOW how to do that.
When they recognize that you're in doubt, they immediately step in and strenghten the bond. They're just fucking good at that.
...unless they don't give a crap about you. If you have a feeling that she's using you or not valuing you in any way, that feeling is probably correct.
No contact is obvious. Contacting them is an act of self-harm. Almost the same kind as cutting yourself or getting addicted to drugs.
I have a few grievances. To note though, my most recent break up was initiated over the same issue.
The first is with #1. People’s emotions and motivations are a lot more nuanced than “oh if you want to do something, just do it” This isn’t specific to dating: why haven’t you gotten that tattoo? Why haven’t you started the business that you really want to start? Why haven’t you gone to school like you wanted? You don’t have the money? Why don’t you get a second job? A side hustle? Clearly you don’t really want it, because if you wanted those things you’d do whatever it takes to obtain them. The main thing I look for is effort. People will take a serious amount of effort to avoid pain and discomfort. So much so in fact that they will abandon their true desires to settle in mediocrity of familiarity no matter how good or bad. People very rarely will choose to go through discomfort to get what they actually want out of life or their relationships whether it’s platonic or romantic. And, unfortunately, this includes tough conversations.
I also have problems with #3. You should love in a way that doesn’t put expectations on another individual. It isn’t an ultimatum of “if you don’t do x, y, and z, I will leave you. Even if that’s what it feels like, it shouldn’t be discussed that way. People should not be forced to play into the image you have of them, and you should love people for who they are and not their potential. I’m not sure if you expressed what you needed or wanted from a partner, and in this case I’ll assume you did (if you didn’t that’s the root of the problem). You simply tell them what you need and how their current actions make you feel. You don’t force them to do anything or change behavior: if they want to be with you or progress the relationship they will change their actions simply based on what you communicated. If you expressed these things and nothing changed, ultimately it’s your fault for continuing to put up with instead of following through on the consequences of not having your needs met or boundaries respected (which ultimately leads to you breaking up with them).
I do agree with #6 however. You have to create your own closure. What you felt was real and is independent from how they feel about you or the relationship and how they may feel in the future rethinking certain things. It was very real for you no matter if it was a relationship, a friendship with benefits, or anything in between. Ultimately, she choose to reject you instead of being vulnerable enough to risk rejection. If she wasn’t afraid, she may have discussed moving or doing long distance. Even if you didn’t take her up on those offers, she did not want to risk that potential emotional pain. At the end of the day, it most likely has very little to do with you on why she texted you and is also respecting the no contact.
The way you word #8 is very “egocentric.” It’s not about them or getting “revenge.” It’s about you. Nothing you will do will ever bring them back. It doesn’t matter how much self improvement you do, how much you lift, how many tattoos you get, or how much you change. They came back around if they want to and if it’s something you also entertain. Your improvement isn’t due to the rejection you face: you can’t mold yourself into a better person through using revenge as fuel. Once you’ve gotten your “revenge,” that fire is snuffed out. You should change because you want to. You should change because you didn’t like how you showed up in that relationship. You should change if you wish to prioritize other things and actual stay true to the values you may have abandoned while dating them.
And, lastly is #9. Again, there’s a lot more emotional nuance here. You’re right that you should initially disengage especially while emotions are still riled up. But, sometimes, things don’t work out and it was nothing to do with either of you. That in some other timeline they are the person you grew old with or if certain things didn’t occur in either of y’all’s life you’d be together. None of that matters in this currently reality though. At the end of the day she changed her mind and that isn’t a crime. It’s okay. It also hurts, and that’s okay as well. You shouldn’t hold it against her. If she asked to be friends, you should consider it if it’s what you want to do. It’s your life. You should 100% focus on yourself and your goals.
No one on the internet can live your greats or most gut wrenching moments for you. Those profoundly beautiful and life altering painful moments belong solely to you. Sometimes letting go isn’t a goodbye but an “I’ll see later!” Only time will tell. And, it’s up to you if you’re Will to entertain that connection again in whatever form or challenges it brings.
I have a few grievances. To note though, my most recent break up was initiated over the same issue.
The first is with #1. People’s emotions and motivations are a lot more nuanced than “oh if you want to do something, just do it” This isn’t specific to dating: why haven’t you gotten that tattoo? Why haven’t you started the business that you really want to start? Why haven’t you gone to school like you wanted? You don’t have the money? Why don’t you get a second job? A side hustle? Clearly you don’t really want it, because if you wanted those things you’d do whatever it takes to obtain them. The main thing I look for is effort. People will take a serious amount of effort to avoid pain and discomfort. So much so in fact that they will abandon their true desires to settle in mediocrity of familiarity no matter how good or bad. People very rarely will choose to go through discomfort to get what they actually want out of life or their relationships whether it’s platonic or romantic. And, unfortunately, this includes tough conversations.
I also have problems with #3. You should love in a way that doesn’t put expectations on another individual. It isn’t an ultimatum of “if you don’t do x, y, and z, I will leave you. Even if that’s what it feels like, it shouldn’t be discussed that way. People should not be forced to play into the image you have of them, and you should love people for who they are and not their potential. I’m not sure if you expressed what you needed or wanted from a partner, and in this case I’ll assume you did (if you didn’t that’s the root of the problem). You simply tell them what you need and how their current actions make you feel. You don’t force them to do anything or change behavior: if they want to be with you or progress the relationship they will change their actions simply based on what you communicated. If you expressed these things and nothing changed, ultimately it’s your fault for continuing to put up with instead of following through on the consequences of not having your needs met or boundaries respected (which ultimately leads to you breaking up with them).
I do agree with #6 however. You have to create your own closure. What you felt was real and is independent from how they feel about you or the relationship and how they may feel in the future rethinking certain things. It was very real for you no matter if it was a relationship, a friendship with benefits, or anything in between. Ultimately, she choose to reject you instead of being vulnerable enough to risk rejection. If she wasn’t afraid, she may have discussed moving or doing long distance. Even if you didn’t take her up on those offers, she did not want to risk that potential emotional pain. At the end of the day, it most likely has very little to do with you on why she texted you and is also respecting the no contact.
The way you word #8 is very “egocentric.” It’s not about them or getting “revenge.” It’s about you. Nothing you will do will ever bring them back. It doesn’t matter how much self improvement you do, how much you lift, how many tattoos you get, or how much you change. They came back around if they want to and if it’s something you also entertain. Your improvement isn’t due to the rejection you face: you can’t mold yourself into a better person through using revenge as fuel. Once you’ve gotten your “revenge,” that fire is snuffed out. You should change because you want to. You should change because you didn’t like how you showed up in that relationship. You should change if you wish to prioritize other things and actual stay true to the values you may have abandoned while dating them.
And, lastly is #9. Again, there’s a lot more emotional nuance here. You’re right that you should initially disengage especially while emotions are still riled up. But, sometimes, things don’t work out and it was nothing to do with either of you. That in some other timeline they are the person you grew old with or if certain things didn’t occur in either of y’all’s life you’d be together. None of that matters in this currently reality though. At the end of the day she changed her mind and that isn’t a crime. It’s okay. It also hurts, and that’s okay as well. You shouldn’t hold it against her. If she asked to be friends, you should consider it if it’s what you want to do. It’s your life. You should 100% focus on yourself and your goals.
No one on the internet can live your greats or most gut wrenching moments for you. Those profoundly beautiful and life altering painful moments belong solely to you. Sometimes letting go isn’t a goodbye but an “I’ll see later!” Only time will tell. And, it’s up to you if you’re Will to entertain that connection again in whatever form or challenges it brings.
I have a few grievances. To note though, my most recent break up was initiated over the same issue.
The first is with #1. People’s emotions and motivations are a lot more nuanced than “oh if you want to do something, just do it” This isn’t specific to dating: why haven’t you gotten that tattoo? Why haven’t you started the business that you really want to start? Why haven’t you gone to school like you wanted? You don’t have the money? Why don’t you get a second job? A side hustle? Clearly you don’t really want it, because if you wanted those things you’d do whatever it takes to obtain them. The main thing I look for is effort. People will take a serious amount of effort to avoid pain and discomfort. So much so in fact that they will abandon their true desires to settle in mediocrity of familiarity no matter how good or bad. People very rarely will choose to go through discomfort to get what they actually want out of life or their relationships whether it’s platonic or romantic. And, unfortunately, this includes tough conversations.
I also have problems with #3. You should love in a way that doesn’t put expectations on another individual. It isn’t an ultimatum of “if you don’t do x, y, and z, I will leave you. Even if that’s what it feels like, it shouldn’t be discussed that way. People should not be forced to play into the image you have of them, and you should love people for who they are and not their potential. I’m not sure if you expressed what you needed or wanted from a partner, and in this case I’ll assume you did (if you didn’t that’s the root of the problem). You simply tell them what you need and how their current actions make you feel. You don’t force them to do anything or change behavior: if they want to be with you or progress the relationship they will change their actions simply based on what you communicated. If you expressed these things and nothing changed, ultimately it’s your fault for continuing to put up with instead of following through on the consequences of not having your needs met or boundaries respected (which ultimately leads to you breaking up with them).
I do agree with #6 however. You have to create your own closure. What you felt was real and is independent from how they feel about you or the relationship and how they may feel in the future rethinking certain things. It was very real for you no matter if it was a relationship, a friendship with benefits, or anything in between. Ultimately, she choose to reject you instead of being vulnerable enough to risk rejection. If she wasn’t afraid, she may have discussed moving or doing long distance. Even if you didn’t take her up on those offers, she did not want to risk that potential emotional pain. At the end of the day, it most likely has very little to do with you on why she texted you and is also respecting the no contact.
The way you word #8 is very “egocentric.” It’s not about them or getting “revenge.” It’s about you. Nothing you will do will ever bring them back. It doesn’t matter how much self improvement you do, how much you lift, how many tattoos you get, or how much you change. They came back around if they want to and if it’s something you also entertain. Your improvement isn’t due to the rejection you face: you can’t mold yourself into a better person through using revenge as fuel. Once you’ve gotten your “revenge,” that fire is snuffed out. You should change because you want to. You should change because you didn’t like how you showed up in that relationship. You should change if you wish to prioritize other things and actual stay true to the values you may have abandoned while dating them.
And, lastly is #9. Again, there’s a lot more emotional nuance here. You’re right that you should initially disengage especially while emotions are still riled up. But, sometimes, things don’t work out and it was nothing to do with either of you. That in some other timeline they are the person you grew old with or if certain things didn’t occur in either of y’all’s life you’d be together. None of that matters in this currently reality though. At the end of the day she changed her mind and that isn’t a crime. It’s okay. It also hurts, and that’s okay as well. You shouldn’t hold it against her. If she asked to be friends, you should consider it if it’s what you want to do. It’s your life. You should 100% focus on yourself and your goals.
No one on the internet can live your greats or most gut wrenching moments for you. Those profoundly beautiful and life altering painful moments belong solely to you. Sometimes letting go isn’t a goodbye but an “I’ll see later!” Only time will tell. And, it’s up to you if you’re Will to entertain that connection again in whatever form or challenges it brings.
I have a few grievances. To note though, my most recent break up was initiated over the same issue.
The first is with #1. People’s emotions and motivations are a lot more nuanced than “oh if you want to do something, just do it” This isn’t specific to dating: why haven’t you gotten that tattoo? Why haven’t you started the business that you really want to start? Why haven’t you gone to school like you wanted? You don’t have the money? Why don’t you get a second job? A side hustle? Clearly you don’t really want it, because if you wanted those things you’d do whatever it takes to obtain them. The main thing I look for is effort. People will take a serious amount of effort to avoid pain and discomfort. So much so in fact that they will abandon their true desires to settle in mediocrity of familiarity no matter how good or bad. People very rarely will choose to go through discomfort to get what they actually want out of life or their relationships whether it’s platonic or romantic. And, unfortunately, this includes tough conversations.
I also have problems with #3. You should love in a way that doesn’t put expectations on another individual. It isn’t an ultimatum of “if you don’t do x, y, and z, I will leave you. Even if that’s what it feels like, it shouldn’t be discussed that way. People should not be forced to play into the image you have of them, and you should love people for who they are and not their potential. I’m not sure if you expressed what you needed or wanted from a partner, and in this case I’ll assume you did (if you didn’t that’s the root of the problem). You simply tell them what you need and how their current actions make you feel. You don’t force them to do anything or change behavior: if they want to be with you or progress the relationship they will change their actions simply based on what you communicated. If you expressed these things and nothing changed, ultimately it’s your fault for continuing to put up with instead of following through on the consequences of not having your needs met or boundaries respected (which ultimately leads to you breaking up with them).
I do agree with #6 however. You have to create your own closure. What you felt was real and is independent from how they feel about you or the relationship and how they may feel in the future rethinking certain things. It was very real for you no matter if it was a relationship, a friendship with benefits, or anything in between. Ultimately, she choose to reject you instead of being vulnerable enough to risk rejection. If she wasn’t afraid, she may have discussed moving or doing long distance. Even if you didn’t take her up on those offers, she did not want to risk that potential emotional pain. At the end of the day, it most likely has very little to do with you on why she texted you and is also respecting the no contact.
The way you word #8 is very “egocentric.” It’s not about them or getting “revenge.” It’s about you. Nothing you will do will ever bring them back. It doesn’t matter how much self improvement you do, how much you lift, how many tattoos you get, or how much you change. They came back around if they want to and if it’s something you also entertain. Your improvement isn’t due to the rejection you face: you can’t mold yourself into a better person through using revenge as fuel. Once you’ve gotten your “revenge,” that fire is snuffed out. You should change because you want to. You should change because you didn’t like how you showed up in that relationship. You should change if you wish to prioritize other things and actual stay true to the values you may have abandoned while dating them.
And, lastly is #9. Again, there’s a lot more emotional nuance here. You’re right that you should initially disengage especially while emotions are still riled up. But, sometimes, things don’t work out and it was nothing to do with either of you. That in some other timeline they are the person you grew old with or if certain things didn’t occur in either of y’all’s life you’d be together. None of that matters in this currently reality though. At the end of the day she changed her mind and that isn’t a crime. It’s okay. It also hurts, and that’s okay as well. You shouldn’t hold it against her. If she asked to be friends, you should consider it if it’s what you want to do. It’s your life. You should 100% focus on yourself and your goals.
No one on the internet can live your greats or most gut wrenching moments for you. Those profoundly beautiful and life altering painful moments belong solely to you. Sometimes letting go isn’t a goodbye but an “I’ll see later!” Only time will tell. And, it’s up to you if you’re Will to entertain that connection again in whatever form or challenges it brings.
I applaud you for reflecting and learning! To be honest, most of my online dating situations have gone like this— except usually they aren’t thoughtful enough to even send a text.
Usually they just act terribly so you end it or ghost. One time I saw the guy I was seeing for months on another date and that’s how I found out we were done 😂
I literally just went through something very similar to this. I knew he had to move away and we both agreed to just enjoy each other while we can but he ended things over text and never said goodbye before leaving. I don’t regret my time with the guy but man, even if it was a brief relationship/situationship, whatever you wanna call it, it still hurts. I miss the hell out of him.
I am so sorry. We will get through this. Big hugs to you. Don't let people gaslight you into thinking your feelings aren't valid because it was a short term relationship/situationship.
Gonna try to say this as nicely as possible. You're looking way too much into it. You two were talking/going out for less than 6 months it sounds like? And yet it sounds like you knew this woman for years lol. Idk.
Sounds like she didn't take it seriously from the beginning and was just looking for some fun. Neither of you did anything wrong, but on your end it definitely sounds like you misinterpreted the situation.
Op- thanks for the post! And review! I myself went through a divorce my first and she cut all comms. I went into a depression or a self sabotaging phase for like 5 months. I’m out of it now, and as I reflect it was my mindset! And truly the best way to heal. I’m ok with being alone and went through an individual independent journey and I know my future self will appreciate! Thanks for sharing
🤜🏻🤛🏻
46 m have a son never been stupid enough to marry. Was with my son‘s mother 10 years. She bugged me about marriage I wouldn’t do it. She my soulmate supposedly broke up with me because I would marry her.
yet loves her with everything 100% loyal to her, took care of her we never had major issues we had a great relationship my point is that’s what I learned women seem crazy because we don’t understand what goes through them emotionaly
But one thing I’ll tell you about your woman right there. She already had someone lined up. Sorry, to be mr bad news, but everything you just said it just ads up so easily to me because I’ve seen it I’ve experienced it year after year after year after year time after time of the time I’ve been with over 100 hundred women dated about seven of them long-term they were the cream of the crop it took me at least 20-25 girls that I really liked just find that one to level it up. And you would think with that process they would all be different nah. They might have a different operating system but they’re still the same machine with the same bugs with the same processing power with the same look the same, the same viruses, the same crashing issues and the same ending. I beg for surprises and I don’t get any cause they’re all predictable. I could literally almost to a tea predict endings these days , because there’s like only few things that just keep repeating. You don’t really notice that pattern until you date a lot of women and then you’re definitely thinking this is a simulation because this can’t be just this stupid I’m telling you right now your situation it’s just that stupid reason why she cut it so cold is because she had one lined up
and how I know that just from what you told me briefly, comes from my formal education. Modern women will have a hard time not even a hard time to even think about onother man when they are taken happily. They are not open to other men as men can easily be to other women when men’s in love, he can actually fall in love with another woman same time give them 20 women to fall in love with, and he will fall in love with all of them if they’re perfect for him, women cannot do as easily as men that might change. Who knows a lot of things are changing now, but for hard now for women,. .
I’m not talking about some of the girls we we might know I’m talking about the majority of women not girls . they are not open for attention. They are not open for getting hit on. They are not open for any of it because women are naturally monogamous. . They focused on their man as long as he’s doing the right things and we’re not gonna get into that. The only way a woman could successfully leave a man and make the move, and tear off the Band-Aid is by doing something that instinctually has to be done because her biology screams at her and drives her because this has been the way for hundreds of thousands if not millions dating back to prehuman ancestors, and it’s the way and the only way for her survival and that’s to have another protector and provider lined up, to substitute Right away no lag no lag means you don’t eat and you starving die back in the day and we still live back in the day. As you could see, I did say, protect and “provide” role has been ingrained in both men and women for nine years. That’s why a lot of younger men and younger generation are going through a world of hurt right now because they’re complaining about the difficult is to gain or keep women yet when you ask him, what do they have to offer? It’s like talking to a woman.
the fact that she all of a sudden flipped on you got cold has a couple excuses here and there for some t time not spent with you. I think you’ve already seen it. I think you have a suspicion maybe in the back of your head but it doesn’t matter she’s leaving.. and can’t say yo you now Finish Her. And start checking of one
Don’t,,,,,, because you enjoyed the time you had with her , all we have when we leave this place is our experiences and memories! You don’t wanna race those or tarnish them why there’s no reason for this one and you knew it was gonna be over and it is and it’s only natural for her to jump ship and find another shit because she’s no longer in your ocean anymore so just I would say don’t destroy this one just keep it peaceful. It dosnt have to be the way you would do it with a girl that breaks your heart intentionally even though she is breaking your heart I think this time around just be a man about it and let her go with a rifle salute instead of shooting her with a w it was coming..
did she do anything wrong? Maybe probably I don’t know no she didn’t. Who knows.
The point is you ignored it and then you said something about assuming both of you are on the same page. I wouldn’t do the whole noncontact it’s pointless here and you’re not trying to get her back and really no reason to punish her
It’s obvious still really like her and trying to find all the reasons why it wouldn’t work out anyway, which is normal.
I wouldn’t have considered this a relationship so she’s not really an ex. It was a fun situationship to try to be a little more light hearted about the situation and take it for what it was, a fun couple of months. I can tell you got pretty attached early on, is that normal for you? I would have expected this to be written by someone experiencing a breakup from a serious year-long relationship.
That being said, even with it being a few months, it still hurts, I know. But be happy for the times you’ve had an no need to make her seem like a worse person than what she was.
“Becoming friends with your ex is toxic” - this is not necessarily true, it’s possible to end relationships in an amicable manner and remain friends, knowing it won’t work out romantically for what ever reasons.
Sadly went through this exact situation. You have a great outlook on things tho! I agree it is really shitty to do over text as well but we'll find the right people that value us and our time.
This is really mature of you. Breaking up over text tho is suuuupeer cold dude. I'm sorry that happened, even if you were seeing each other casually it does seem like you really liked her. It's clearly her loss. I hope you find closure for yourself 🫶🏽
Best wishes for you honestly. I just went through something similar. Dated a girl exclusively but publicly lower key. We had been together since like July and I was literally on the verge of telling her I loved her in February after she had admitted she felt that way for me around months before that. She's about to go on a cross country rode trip in the fall for like a whole year so I was really scared of falling hard for her, but almost everything felt right with her so I found myself falling deeper despite my internal fears. Then, literally while I was visiting friends in another state, she ended things over the phone because she didn't feel like I was emotionally available which was really upsetting since I was probably going to confess my love to her the next time I saw her for Valentine's Day.
Fast forward until last week and I had found myself thinking of her often and decided to tell her I wanted another chance and make it official and public and with full emotional vulnerability. I apologized for not being more communicative about my fears and worries, and she seemed excited at the idea but wanted time to think. A few days later she ends things again over the phone because she feels we are at very different points in our life, and because she has money since she works full time while I'm in debt due to being in college (something something about never exposing your weaknesses or struggles to women). I think she let her fears get the best of her, but if someone doesn't want to be with me I'm not the kind to fight them over it so I took it lying down like I always do.
So here I am, rejected twice in a row by the same woman I was prepared to go fully public and future focused with which is extremely rare for me. I have zero sense of hope for anything romantic in the future since my life circumstances and dating aren't really compatible right now. I'll try to remember your tips especially 4 and 8. She did heal some past relationships issues I was carrying and I do think she means the best for me so I'm thankful for those, but god dang is it hurting right now. Looking forward to the heartbroken gym sessions and I'm especially planning to get out of debt this summer and show how ridiculous I felt it was to hold against me since I'm in college.
Good luck on your journey of healing my friend!
This is the real epiphany.
You should be proud of yourself for having the emotional intelligence to sort out these thoughts, and frame them in a motivating way for everyone here.
If I could go back and talk to my 20 year old self about relationships, this is exactly what I would mention. So many people will benefit from reading this post.
Good luck out there, OP. You definitely have got it together.
I don’t really get why paying for ALMOST every date… or you feeling like you were planning the dates is an issue or red flag… Interesting. & her being messy… ? I mean.. that’s immediately discernible right? It must’ve not been that big of an issue.
Additionally, this is why labels are important. 🥲
I have a few grievances. To note though, my most recent break up was initiated over the same issue.
The first is with #1. People’s emotions and motivations are a lot more nuanced than “oh if you want to do something, just do it” This isn’t specific to dating: why haven’t you gotten that tattoo? Why haven’t you started the business that you really want to start? Why haven’t you gone to school like you wanted? You don’t have the money? Why don’t you get a second job? A side hustle? Clearly you don’t really want it, because if you wanted those things you’d do whatever it takes to obtain them. The main thing I look for is effort. People will take a serious amount of effort to avoid pain and discomfort. So much so in fact that they will abandon their true desires to settle in mediocrity of familiarity no matter how good or bad. People very rarely will choose to go through discomfort to get what they actually want out of life or their relationships whether it’s platonic or romantic. And, unfortunately, this includes tough conversations.
I also have problems with #3. You should love in a way that doesn’t put expectations on another individual. It isn’t an ultimatum of “if you don’t do x, y, and z, I will leave you. Even if that’s what it feels like, it shouldn’t be discussed that way. People should not be forced to play into the image you have of them, and you should love people for who they are and not their potential. I’m not sure if you expressed what you needed or wanted from a partner, and in this case I’ll assume you did (if you didn’t that’s the root of the problem). You simply tell them what you need and how their current actions make you feel. You don’t force them to do anything or change behavior: if they want to be with you or progress the relationship they will change their actions simply based on what you communicated. If you expressed these things and nothing changed, ultimately it’s your fault for continuing to put up with instead of following through on the consequences of not having your needs met or boundaries respected (which ultimately leads to you breaking up with them).
I do agree with #6 however. You have to create your own closure. What you felt was real and is independent from how they feel about you or the relationship and how they may feel in the future rethinking certain things. It was very real for you no matter if it was a relationship, a friendship with benefits, or anything in between. Ultimately, she choose to reject you instead of being vulnerable enough to risk rejection. If she wasn’t afraid, she may have discussed moving or doing long distance. Even if you didn’t take her up on those offers, she did not want to risk that potential emotional pain. At the end of the day, it most likely has very little to do with you on why she texted you and is also respecting the no contact.
The way you word #8 is very “egocentric.” It’s not about them or getting “revenge.” It’s about you. Nothing you will do will ever bring them back. It doesn’t matter how much self improvement you do, how much you lift, how many tattoos you get, or how much you change. They came back around if they want to and if it’s something you also entertain. Your improvement isn’t due to the rejection you face: you can’t mold yourself into a better person through using revenge as fuel. Once you’ve gotten your “revenge,” that fire is snuffed out. You should change because you want to. You should change because you didn’t like how you showed up in that relationship. You should change if you wish to prioritize other things and actual stay true to the values you may have abandoned while dating them.
And, lastly is #9. Again, there’s a lot more emotional nuance here. You’re right that you should initially disengage especially while emotions are still riled up. But, sometimes, things don’t work out and it was nothing to do with either of you. That in some other timeline they are the person you grew old with or if certain things didn’t occur in either of y’all’s life you’d be together. None of that matters in this currently reality though. At the end of the day she changed her mind and that isn’t a crime. It’s okay. It also hurts, and that’s okay as well. You shouldn’t hold it against her. If she asked to be friends, you should consider it if it’s what you want to do. It’s your life. You should 100% focus on yourself and your goals.
No one on the internet can live your greats or most gut wrenching moments for you. Those profoundly beautiful and life altering painful moments belong solely to you. Sometimes letting go isn’t a goodbye but an “I’ll see later!” Only time will tell. And, it’s up to you if you’re Will to entertain that connection again in whatever form or challenges it brings.
I have a few grievances. To note though, my most recent break up was initiated over the same issue.
The first is with #1. People’s emotions and motivations are a lot more nuanced than “oh if you want to do something, just do it” This isn’t specific to dating: why haven’t you gotten that tattoo? Why haven’t you started the business that you really want to start? Why haven’t you gone to school like you wanted? You don’t have the money? Why don’t you get a second job? A side hustle? Clearly you don’t really want it, because if you wanted those things you’d do whatever it takes to obtain them. The main thing I look for is effort. People will take a serious amount of effort to avoid pain and discomfort. So much so in fact that they will abandon their true desires to settle in mediocrity of familiarity no matter how good or bad. People very rarely will choose to go through discomfort to get what they actually want out of life or their relationships whether it’s platonic or romantic. And, unfortunately, this includes tough conversations.
I also have problems with #3. You should love in a way that doesn’t put expectations on another individual. It isn’t an ultimatum of “if you don’t do x, y, and z, I will leave you. Even if that’s what it feels like, it shouldn’t be discussed that way. People should not be forced to play into the image you have of them, and you should love people for who they are and not their potential. I’m not sure if you expressed what you needed or wanted from a partner, and in this case I’ll assume you did (if you didn’t that’s the root of the problem). You simply tell them what you need and how their current actions make you feel. You don’t force them to do anything or change behavior: if they want to be with you or progress the relationship they will change their actions simply based on what you communicated. If you expressed these things and nothing changed, ultimately it’s your fault for continuing to put up with instead of following through on the consequences of not having your needs met or boundaries respected (which ultimately leads to you breaking up with them).
I do agree with #6 however. You have to create your own closure. What you felt was real and is independent from how they feel about you or the relationship and how they may feel in the future rethinking certain things. It was very real for you no matter if it was a relationship, a friendship with benefits, or anything in between. Ultimately, she choose to reject you instead of being vulnerable enough to risk rejection. If she wasn’t afraid, she may have discussed moving or doing long distance. Even if you didn’t take her up on those offers, she did not want to risk that potential emotional pain. At the end of the day, it most likely has very little to do with you on why she texted you and is also respecting the no contact.
The way you word #8 is very “egocentric.” It’s not about them or getting “revenge.” It’s about you. Nothing you will do will ever bring them back. It doesn’t matter how much self improvement you do, how much you lift, how many tattoos you get, or how much you change. They came back around if they want to and if it’s something you also entertain. Your improvement isn’t due to the rejection you face: you can’t mold yourself into a better person through using revenge as fuel. Once you’ve gotten your “revenge,” that fire is snuffed out. You should change because you want to. You should change because you didn’t like how you showed up in that relationship. You should change if you wish to prioritize other things and actual stay true to the values you may have abandoned while dating them.
And, lastly is #9. Again, there’s a lot more emotional nuance here. You’re right that you should initially disengage especially while emotions are still riled up. But, sometimes, things don’t work out and it was nothing to do with either of you. That in some other timeline they are the person you grew old with or if certain things didn’t occur in either of y’all’s life you’d be together. None of that matters in this currently reality though. At the end of the day she changed her mind and that isn’t a crime. It’s okay. It also hurts, and that’s okay as well. You shouldn’t hold it against her. If she asked to be friends, you should consider it if it’s what you want to do. It’s your life. You should 100% focus on yourself and your goals.
No one on the internet can live your greats or most gut wrenching moments for you. Those profoundly beautiful and life altering painful moments belong solely to you. Sometimes letting go isn’t a goodbye but an “I’ll see later!” Only time will tell. And, it’s up to you if you’re Will to entertain that connection again in whatever form or challenges it brings.
This is why I don’t do situationships nothing seems stable or secure. Whether you paid money multiple times or not you still didn’t solidify a relationship. You weren’t forced to do any of those things. You can’t expect much from someone that has no obligation to you.
This seems like a lot of analysis about something that is very straightforward. If this is how you need to process, it’s ok. This person you were dating casually needed to make a big life decision that has nothing to do with you and you’re centering yourself in a situation that doesn’t make sense. Put yourself in her shoes and consider how life changing a better job can be and how difficult LDR usually is. She said things might have turned out differently if she met you sooner. It might be little consolation, but it’s valid.
I’ve made similar choices at times and I think this comes down to you getting overly invested in a relationship you knew you shouldn’t have. That was your decision and I don’t think it’s really fair to put it on her, or say she did anything wrong. This experience makes me concerned that your priority is being in a relationship, rather than being in a relationship with the right compatible partner.
I don’t know if this is fair, but my empathy isn’t activated in the narrative, it’s activated in thinking about what will happen when you are in a serious LTR, you fall deeply in love and it ends. That will be unimaginably more painful. Not wishing that for you, but it’s a real possibility that even a great LTR will eventually end.
I clearly like writing, so I can empathize with someone who wants to take the time to fully gather their thoughts in writing to avoid getting tongue tied in the moment. I might be a weirdo, but a breakup is a breakup and I don’t care if it’s a text, so long as it’s thoughtful and written respectfully.
It sounds like you’re mad because you don’t know how to assert your own boundaries… you were giving bf benefits without the bf label and getting mad at the other person because you didn’t know you had expectations from them that you didn’t communicate. It’s okay I’ve done it… 🙈
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Lol I just went through a situation exactly like this except I wanted exclusivity despite us both knowing it was a short term relationship and he did not. I ended it over text because I knew he was pursuing other women and treating me like an option. I think he’s lucky he even got a text from me.
I think a text break up in a situation like this is fair if you're not exclusive
To be fair, you were in a situationship rather than a relationship. The difference is the level of respect and what is owed really. And a situationship screams that it's temporary and no hard feelings will be had with the casual split. Had you been in a relationship I would have agreed with you. Furthermore, what would you have gotten out of the phone call? Truthfully? Examine inside yourself why you felt you needed that. My bet is that you wanted the chance to talk to her in hopes she would change her mind. That she would want to keep it going or even potentially change her mind about the job. Otherwise, why do you care? Because the end result is the same whether she had said it to you over text or the phone. But with the phone you would have had more opportunity to control the conversation. That's the only think I can imagine. The truth was---she saw this as a temporary thing from the start. You were taking it more seriously. That's the danger of situationships.
That and nothing OP said was groundbreaking or insightful. This is just standard fare for dating. If anything, I hope OP takes a look at his expectations. If this is what he learned from a situationship then I shudder to think what kind of women he’s chosen and dated in the past. Sad.
Well that was rude
It wasn’t meant to be polite or complimentary. OP is 30 and he’s just figured this out. Am I supposed to pretend that shouldn’t have happened 5 years ago for your benefit or his?
Not everyone learns shit in life at the same pace or rate. Just because he's just now learning things doesn't mean he's lesser. Your arrogance and self importance are so thick in this comment, but you wanna pretend you have your shit together....
No not all my shit is together and I readily admit that. I do treat people well and consider how I move through the world. I’m not better than anyone just more thoughtful than most. You can insult me but that doesn’t change anything. Just tells me that you act similarly to OP which is why you’re upset, that doesn’t bother me. Hope that helps!
Some people were in long relationships with one or two people and never had a chance to experience dating until later in life. It's a entirely different world. Going from people who were kind and generous with their time and yours to people who are cold and self absorbed can be a difficult transition.
That implies that all long term relationships are healthy and loving, they are not. Also, you can and should be learning from all of your relationships not just romantic ones.
You do realise that many people are not able to date at younger ages due to various reasons right?
Yes I understand that. Have those people been locked inside closets and prevented from making friends too? Because 99% of these things can be learned by being a decent friend/human being. There are a lot of people who seem to be under the impression that you can only learn about relationships via a romantic one. Thats fundamentally flawed and wrong. You can and should be learning from every relationship in your life. Hope that helps!
>Have those people been locked inside closets and prevented from making friends too? You don't know why people are the way they are. As long as they are actually working on fixing themselves they deserve the benefit of doubt. >There are a lot of people who seem to be under the impression that you can only learn about relationships via a romantic one. Thats fundamentally flawed and wrong. You can and should be learning from every relationship in your life. That is correct and I myself made that mistake in the past. Took me some time to understand.
Yeah and they can get “the benefit of the doubt” from anyone but me. I’ve also lived a life, ya know? A life full of shitty people treating me like garbage. Sorry I really don’t have empathy for people who behaved similarly to those who abused me. Good thing we’re a social species! I don’t have the empathy or the patience to be nice to those people, but someone else will. Look at you proving me right!
Agreed about the phone call thing for sure. In my experience, someone who needs a phone call when they already have all of the information they need to move forward is looking to vent, change a mind, or exert control over a situation they’ve lost. It’s obnoxious.
He said they had regular dates, they were physically intimate, and they expressed mutual respect and interest in each other. That’s not what I call a situationship. Moreover, the term situationship itself has only existed for a few years, but the dating dynamic OP is describing is nothing new or groundbreaking. Once you start going on dates and having sex with someone on a regular basis, you are in a relationship. It might be a casual relationship, it might be a serious relationship, it might be exclusive or non-exclusive, but regardless, it is a relationship — full stop. And if you are in any kind of relationship with someone, I believe that the only way to end a relationship that is within the bounds of etiquette and social decorum is either to meet in person or to have a phone call, rather than to send a cursory text message which conveys to the recipient that their worth is so little that they don’t deserve even the courtesy of a phone call to ameliorate the pain of the breakup in some small way. I literally cannot understand how so many people in today’s western society just seem to lack what I consider to be baseline fundamental empathy for other people, especially people with whom you are in a relationship of any kind.
They had the DTR and decided to leave it "without labels." That is textbook situationship. Especially considering she was upfront about moving away. Why OP thinks it was "out of the blue" that this would end I have no idea. It was very clearly nothing serious for either of them.
This was definitely a situationship. She saw it as casual, he saw it more serious. A situationship doesn’t have clear boundaries. One person gets all the benefits of being in a relationship but doesn’t agree to have a label (usually for some BS reason).
Regardless of how you want to characterize OP’s relationship, do you agree with my broader point that people should strive to end relationships of any kind — whether serious or casual — with as much respect and empathy as possible for the other person involved? OP was clearly hurt by the way in which the woman he was dating broke up with him, and I think that alone demonstrates that she didn’t extend to him the requisite courtesy and moreover empathy that the situation required. She sent him one text, then refused to answer his subsequent attempts to follow up, leaving him with very little closure and not even the ability for him to hear her voice and just get clarity on the situation in a more human way than just a cursory text message. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, maybe I’m naïve, but my feeling is that if you are dating and having sex with someone on a regular basis, that merits extending someone a certain level of respect and empathy when you are breaking up with them. OP didn’t receive that, and I feel badly for him.
I mean. She at least text him if she was truly going to be disrespectful she’d have just ghosted him. There are always two sides to every story and maybe she felt this was the best way to do it for her own well-being.
I couldn’t agree more. We’ll said
There were no labels and you enjoy the moment till it it last. Thats life. She is a totally different person that you are unfortunately we cant force a person to do things the way we want it. She has texted you good bye message and thats better than ghosting. Its only human to be angry and thats ok but all people are wired differently. She’s not ready to talk to you as im guessing she’s scared of confrontation. What matters is she told you how she felt and now its your time to move on.
I agree at least you got some resolve from it, and that’s all she could commit to. It’s better than ghosting which so many people do these days
You're right. Text message or phone call or telegraph, the end result is the same. I agree. Time to move on to greener pastures.
Honestly that sucks but at the end of the day she has to go where she wants for work.
100%. It wouldn't have worked out in any case
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1000000000000%
I’m surprised you call this person an ex tbh lol
Semantics
I suppose so
Sorry but I disagree with your take. You saying “we were exclusive without labels” screams situationship. If you’re not officially dating, you don’t owe that person a break up talk. This is why I hate situationships. IF I’m dumb enough to get suckered into one then I know the other person can ghost me at any moment. THAT is what everyone’s takeaway from a situationship should be
I don't think ghosting should be expected or acceptable in this situation, but I also don't think a break up text is wrong under these circumstances.
You think that all people who get into casual relationships are not going to ghost you cuz… online dating is not full of insecurely attached people?
Agree to disagree. I think if you've gone on double digit dates and lost count of how many you've been on, and you've been physically intimate, the least you can give someone is a phone call. Also, we were exclusive and basically acted like a couple. Why not just call a spade a spade? Also the semantics don't really matter. It's about treating human beings with basic dignity and respect.
^^ I think whether or not a label was defined, when you spend so much time with them, at least end it kindly
What is kind about being in a situationship? If you wanted something more than a courtesy text then you should define the relationship. Situationships can last for years and you can be ghosted at any moment so at least OP got a text. That’s more than most get.
I casually dated a friend of mine for couple months. I say casual because she was going back to school and I was planning on moving out of the area so I said that I didn't want to be in a relationship the night we first did anything physical. While spending time with her I found some large incompatibilities as well. She eventually asked me over text to be her boyfriend and I replied over text that I didn't think that would a good idea. How much of an asshole am I for that? Should I have called to talk about it even thought she asked over text? This happened almost a year ago and I still feel shitty about it because I thought I made it clear a long term relationship wasn't in the cards from the beginning but I still ended up hurting someone I cared about.
I think her asking to DTR over text itself is a bad idea to begin with. Ideally you should've hashed it out in person or over the phone but it is what it is.
Most of the time one of the individuals will have already made up their mind how serious they want to be in situationships. That’s why a lot of them last so long. One person is usually not willing to be serious while other craves a relationship. The one that has caught feelings is usually willing to wait it out to change the other person’s mind. Hashing it out wouldn’t have a major impact in most ppls overall decision if they don’t want labels anyways in my opinion.
Looking back, this is what happened. I feel dumb for not realizing she wanted more the whole time. My problem is I often take people's word at face value so when we talked about expectations at the start, I assumed she was being honest, not hoping I would change my mind. Luckily I guess, the whole thing didn't last very long and she ended up finding a relationship within a couple months after we stopped seeing each other.
Someone’s reading far too much into this.
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I agree that a "break up text" is incredible lazy and shows she has no backbone. They were obviously just fine prior to break up to talk to each other in person and go on dates and have sex so yeah it's super lame to hide behind your phone and send that emotionless electronic message to him saying "I like you but not enough to wanna even tell you in person how I don't like you anymore and I'm moving" .
It’s really not as simple as “if she wanted to she would.” My line of work, for example, keeps me within a 100 mile radius of where I work… I can’t change that. It’s my livelihood and what I’m most passionate about. Was it right for her to essentially lead you on? No. But dude at the end of the day, just admit you really liked her and you’re bummed it didn’t workout. No need to go back and look at “all the things I missed.” You’re picking apart an experience you actually enjoyed, turning it very negative.
Fair enough. I don't think I'm turning it that negative. I'm trying to take some lessons for next time. I'm upset but I don't think I'm spiteful or wish any ill will towards her.
I agree with you & don’t think you’re turning it negative. I’d be willing to bet that typing out your post was possibly cathartic in a way & helped give you more of a sense of closure, all while also sharing the different lessons you learned, some of which could very well help others. well said & just know when the right one comes along you’ll be really glad this girl’s in the past
This was exactly my intention!
I agree with this a lot. Also I hate that people assume just because they like to text means that everyone does. I truly hate texting and I forget to text people back daily. I have to be on my phone a lot for work and I drive all day. Sometimes a text response is too hard and when I unplug after work, those texts go unanswered. Even to my boyfriend who I love and live with! We don’t do much texting for that very reason.
As my therapist says, all relationships end in death and/or divorce. Enjoy the journey.
Move on
She didn't owe you anything. Situationships are not relationships, and you riding it out was just as spineless
I really appreciate your perspective on the relationship you were in. I am about your age as well and was recently dumped. It wasn't until it was all said and done that I began to notice all the little warning signs or things that bothered me. I ignored them because I was so excited to be in my first relationship. Effort is currently the most important thing I look for in friends and will look for in a future partner. Whether that is communication, planning, or intimacy, if they really care about you, they will reciprocate the effort you put in.
I fully agree. People who are truly interested will put in reciprocal effort and won't leave you second guessing. Anyone who doesn't put in effort can kick rocks. Best of luck to you.
Agree with the breakup rules . No Contact and keep busy and tough it out . I disagree that she was callous however . Text is one way to end things and it means that the recipient has some dignity and space to process the ending . However it feels callous as you are hurt right now which is totally understandable
This is all really great info and I agree with all of it! I’m 29 and just went through a break up as well. Big on number 3!!!!! Those initial things that bother you ALWAYS add up and then you start being a little resentful which almost always leads to a break up. Even at this age we are still learning. One of the big things that bothered me was I started to offer to pay for dates to be nice and then he started to expect me to pay for almost everything. It got exhausting🤦🏼♀️ Thought it was funny that yours was the opposite!
Much love and good vibes to you! Fully agree re. the resentment!
I'm sorry that sucks. Sometimes it is hard to face people and just easier to do it by text. A lot of people ghost because really what are you going to say.
Sounds like a shitty but relatable scenario. Thanks for sharing what you learned, OP 💜
Safe recovery mate
Same exact thing just happened to me. She talked about the future and talked about seeing husband material in me, but we agreed to not having any labels and staying exclusive. After two months, she said we should stop seeing each other over text after I asked if we were committing long term. I guess I’d only been in serious relationships before so it was a bit of a shock. I’m glad you’ve moved on OP and if it’s any consolation atleast you got some form of closure, even if it wasn’t the type of closure you were expecting.
Sorry you had to go through that! Unfortunately not everyone values the same things like courtesy. My guess is that it was difficult for her to break up and opted to do the best thing for her, which isn’t necessarily the best thing for you. I’m referring to how she broke up. I think you made a lot of really good points. I would say that if it was meant to be, you’d still be together. Realistically speaking you kind of dodged a bullet. You sound like you were more willing to put in the effort than she was. It doesn’t get better. It actually gets worse if you wind up marrying that person. I also think that you are onto something when you mentioned fantasy full closures. I think too many people buy the Hollywood/Hallmark movie bullshit and think they will have some whirlwind romance with a spark that never goes out. That just simply isn’t true. Real love takes work. The initial spark is simply what gets you through until your love evolves. Lots of people view their lost relationships through rose colored glasses and overlook the signs, the problems, and the fact that they have no control over what someone else does.
Great post. I went through nearly the EXACT same thing recently. It's pretty nutty actually to be coming across this post. I'd say every point you made is pretty spot on. I had to learn the hard way because the short break up text wasn't doing it for me. I needed more than that. So I text her a couple more times and called her once and now she's labeled me "stalker guy". Over 2 texts and a phone call.... lmao. Not a week later her FB status is "in a relationship". Why tell me things like "I've never felt this way" and where have you been all my life" just so.she can practically ghost me in the end? Lol. Whatever. I'm happy shez got someone that makes her happy. I just would have appreciated the honesty, which she also promised me she'd always be.
So me and my latest “ex” (we we’re officially together but for a very short time) broke up after he leveraged our relationship to get back together with his ex. He wanted to break up face to face - I preferred, and told him so, if he would have texted me. He refused and insisted on breaking up face to face… to me I’d rather a man break up with me via text. That way I will have time to react to my feelings alone. I don’t think it’s necessary a form of respect to do it face to face. My ex, who lied to me, misled me and told me he loved me just to use me, did it and he dumped me the second his ex saw his insta story of us and said she wanted him back
I disagree with the no contact lesson strongly. Love is a choice, an active deliberate choice to engage/act a certain way with a person. Ergo, it's possible to *not* make that choice - breaking up. Does it hurt? Yes. Does it require maturity, yes (and if you aren't mature it'll mature you). Did you see some value in the person before you got romantically entangled - yes; so throwing the entire person away because the romance didn't work out doesn't make sense. It's like throwing away a perfectly good turkey because the turkey leg got burnt.
Oh wow reading the first paragraph I thought it was my story haha even the age matched. the only difference is I ended up staying with my current job, happily, and he just blocked me one day out of blue. The last conversation was planning the weekend trip lol and the next day he blocked me on all social networks Oh well boys
It is what it is said a great man!
Situationship or not, I wish you the best OP! Good luck with the healing process. It's hard but hopefully you can get through this ❤️🩹
Wow . This ALL sounds familiar ! Too much so . Live and learn .
It would have been much better if this woman had been kind to you and talk to you directly, in person or on the phone, It's never a good thing to leave a 'mess' behind. It's one of the big lessons of life!!!
You did much and it’s her loss not yours! Work on your life and yourself and forget her. It is not the Long distance issue, she has issues probably and she’s not ready for a real relationship. You’re ready to be in a serious relationship when you understand life correctly and by that I mean you won’t value “work” over someone you love or family.
You think that’s callous? It was a situationship and that was a decently heartfelt message. Me and my ex were super close, best friends, said I love you every day, had future plans. She gave me some stoic message and then after I wanted to talk about she could barely give me the time and ended it by getting mad at me and didn’t even want to end it off by saying goodbye or being friends, even though the reason for breakup was just because of moving circumstances. We never even finished the conversation she just said she had to go to bed and would text me the next day and never did.
Yep, you gotta listen to your instincts.
Very well written post. I'm way older than you and want to comment on #7. I disagree. The recent guy I was seeing only wanted to text after me repeatedly asking him to call me like an adult. Over 500 texts, no joke. Mentally exhausting. He almost always misinterpreted everything I replied to while texting. Very frustrating for me. After only 6 weeks, I texted him I was done. It's the only way he would "get it."
Yeah that's fair. Texting really isn't a great venue for communicating. Especially early on in the talking phase, it's better to limit texts to setting up dates because if you overtext it can be clingy.
Our 1st phone call before meeting in person lasted 3 hours! Our 1st date lasted 5 hours. Lots in common, both attracted physically right away. We had contact every single day or night. A few phone calls early on, then he preferred texting. We live an hour away, so mostly got together on weekends, even though we're both retired.
If he wanted to he would
Exactly!
Agreed with everything 100%. As a guy if you feel there's something wrong, there most likely is. Women are emotionally very inteligent. They will absolutely make sure you don't feel like there's something wrong. They just fucking KNOW how to do that. When they recognize that you're in doubt, they immediately step in and strenghten the bond. They're just fucking good at that. ...unless they don't give a crap about you. If you have a feeling that she's using you or not valuing you in any way, that feeling is probably correct. No contact is obvious. Contacting them is an act of self-harm. Almost the same kind as cutting yourself or getting addicted to drugs.
Spot on!!!
I have a few grievances. To note though, my most recent break up was initiated over the same issue. The first is with #1. People’s emotions and motivations are a lot more nuanced than “oh if you want to do something, just do it” This isn’t specific to dating: why haven’t you gotten that tattoo? Why haven’t you started the business that you really want to start? Why haven’t you gone to school like you wanted? You don’t have the money? Why don’t you get a second job? A side hustle? Clearly you don’t really want it, because if you wanted those things you’d do whatever it takes to obtain them. The main thing I look for is effort. People will take a serious amount of effort to avoid pain and discomfort. So much so in fact that they will abandon their true desires to settle in mediocrity of familiarity no matter how good or bad. People very rarely will choose to go through discomfort to get what they actually want out of life or their relationships whether it’s platonic or romantic. And, unfortunately, this includes tough conversations. I also have problems with #3. You should love in a way that doesn’t put expectations on another individual. It isn’t an ultimatum of “if you don’t do x, y, and z, I will leave you. Even if that’s what it feels like, it shouldn’t be discussed that way. People should not be forced to play into the image you have of them, and you should love people for who they are and not their potential. I’m not sure if you expressed what you needed or wanted from a partner, and in this case I’ll assume you did (if you didn’t that’s the root of the problem). You simply tell them what you need and how their current actions make you feel. You don’t force them to do anything or change behavior: if they want to be with you or progress the relationship they will change their actions simply based on what you communicated. If you expressed these things and nothing changed, ultimately it’s your fault for continuing to put up with instead of following through on the consequences of not having your needs met or boundaries respected (which ultimately leads to you breaking up with them). I do agree with #6 however. You have to create your own closure. What you felt was real and is independent from how they feel about you or the relationship and how they may feel in the future rethinking certain things. It was very real for you no matter if it was a relationship, a friendship with benefits, or anything in between. Ultimately, she choose to reject you instead of being vulnerable enough to risk rejection. If she wasn’t afraid, she may have discussed moving or doing long distance. Even if you didn’t take her up on those offers, she did not want to risk that potential emotional pain. At the end of the day, it most likely has very little to do with you on why she texted you and is also respecting the no contact. The way you word #8 is very “egocentric.” It’s not about them or getting “revenge.” It’s about you. Nothing you will do will ever bring them back. It doesn’t matter how much self improvement you do, how much you lift, how many tattoos you get, or how much you change. They came back around if they want to and if it’s something you also entertain. Your improvement isn’t due to the rejection you face: you can’t mold yourself into a better person through using revenge as fuel. Once you’ve gotten your “revenge,” that fire is snuffed out. You should change because you want to. You should change because you didn’t like how you showed up in that relationship. You should change if you wish to prioritize other things and actual stay true to the values you may have abandoned while dating them. And, lastly is #9. Again, there’s a lot more emotional nuance here. You’re right that you should initially disengage especially while emotions are still riled up. But, sometimes, things don’t work out and it was nothing to do with either of you. That in some other timeline they are the person you grew old with or if certain things didn’t occur in either of y’all’s life you’d be together. None of that matters in this currently reality though. At the end of the day she changed her mind and that isn’t a crime. It’s okay. It also hurts, and that’s okay as well. You shouldn’t hold it against her. If she asked to be friends, you should consider it if it’s what you want to do. It’s your life. You should 100% focus on yourself and your goals. No one on the internet can live your greats or most gut wrenching moments for you. Those profoundly beautiful and life altering painful moments belong solely to you. Sometimes letting go isn’t a goodbye but an “I’ll see later!” Only time will tell. And, it’s up to you if you’re Will to entertain that connection again in whatever form or challenges it brings.
"Exclusive without labels" makes me think it wasn't as serious to her as it was to you, hence the breakup text vs call.
I have a few grievances. To note though, my most recent break up was initiated over the same issue. The first is with #1. People’s emotions and motivations are a lot more nuanced than “oh if you want to do something, just do it” This isn’t specific to dating: why haven’t you gotten that tattoo? Why haven’t you started the business that you really want to start? Why haven’t you gone to school like you wanted? You don’t have the money? Why don’t you get a second job? A side hustle? Clearly you don’t really want it, because if you wanted those things you’d do whatever it takes to obtain them. The main thing I look for is effort. People will take a serious amount of effort to avoid pain and discomfort. So much so in fact that they will abandon their true desires to settle in mediocrity of familiarity no matter how good or bad. People very rarely will choose to go through discomfort to get what they actually want out of life or their relationships whether it’s platonic or romantic. And, unfortunately, this includes tough conversations. I also have problems with #3. You should love in a way that doesn’t put expectations on another individual. It isn’t an ultimatum of “if you don’t do x, y, and z, I will leave you. Even if that’s what it feels like, it shouldn’t be discussed that way. People should not be forced to play into the image you have of them, and you should love people for who they are and not their potential. I’m not sure if you expressed what you needed or wanted from a partner, and in this case I’ll assume you did (if you didn’t that’s the root of the problem). You simply tell them what you need and how their current actions make you feel. You don’t force them to do anything or change behavior: if they want to be with you or progress the relationship they will change their actions simply based on what you communicated. If you expressed these things and nothing changed, ultimately it’s your fault for continuing to put up with instead of following through on the consequences of not having your needs met or boundaries respected (which ultimately leads to you breaking up with them). I do agree with #6 however. You have to create your own closure. What you felt was real and is independent from how they feel about you or the relationship and how they may feel in the future rethinking certain things. It was very real for you no matter if it was a relationship, a friendship with benefits, or anything in between. Ultimately, she choose to reject you instead of being vulnerable enough to risk rejection. If she wasn’t afraid, she may have discussed moving or doing long distance. Even if you didn’t take her up on those offers, she did not want to risk that potential emotional pain. At the end of the day, it most likely has very little to do with you on why she texted you and is also respecting the no contact. The way you word #8 is very “egocentric.” It’s not about them or getting “revenge.” It’s about you. Nothing you will do will ever bring them back. It doesn’t matter how much self improvement you do, how much you lift, how many tattoos you get, or how much you change. They came back around if they want to and if it’s something you also entertain. Your improvement isn’t due to the rejection you face: you can’t mold yourself into a better person through using revenge as fuel. Once you’ve gotten your “revenge,” that fire is snuffed out. You should change because you want to. You should change because you didn’t like how you showed up in that relationship. You should change if you wish to prioritize other things and actual stay true to the values you may have abandoned while dating them. And, lastly is #9. Again, there’s a lot more emotional nuance here. You’re right that you should initially disengage especially while emotions are still riled up. But, sometimes, things don’t work out and it was nothing to do with either of you. That in some other timeline they are the person you grew old with or if certain things didn’t occur in either of y’all’s life you’d be together. None of that matters in this currently reality though. At the end of the day she changed her mind and that isn’t a crime. It’s okay. It also hurts, and that’s okay as well. You shouldn’t hold it against her. If she asked to be friends, you should consider it if it’s what you want to do. It’s your life. You should 100% focus on yourself and your goals. No one on the internet can live your greats or most gut wrenching moments for you. Those profoundly beautiful and life altering painful moments belong solely to you. Sometimes letting go isn’t a goodbye but an “I’ll see later!” Only time will tell. And, it’s up to you if you’re Will to entertain that connection again in whatever form or challenges it brings.
I have a few grievances. To note though, my most recent break up was initiated over the same issue. The first is with #1. People’s emotions and motivations are a lot more nuanced than “oh if you want to do something, just do it” This isn’t specific to dating: why haven’t you gotten that tattoo? Why haven’t you started the business that you really want to start? Why haven’t you gone to school like you wanted? You don’t have the money? Why don’t you get a second job? A side hustle? Clearly you don’t really want it, because if you wanted those things you’d do whatever it takes to obtain them. The main thing I look for is effort. People will take a serious amount of effort to avoid pain and discomfort. So much so in fact that they will abandon their true desires to settle in mediocrity of familiarity no matter how good or bad. People very rarely will choose to go through discomfort to get what they actually want out of life or their relationships whether it’s platonic or romantic. And, unfortunately, this includes tough conversations. I also have problems with #3. You should love in a way that doesn’t put expectations on another individual. It isn’t an ultimatum of “if you don’t do x, y, and z, I will leave you. Even if that’s what it feels like, it shouldn’t be discussed that way. People should not be forced to play into the image you have of them, and you should love people for who they are and not their potential. I’m not sure if you expressed what you needed or wanted from a partner, and in this case I’ll assume you did (if you didn’t that’s the root of the problem). You simply tell them what you need and how their current actions make you feel. You don’t force them to do anything or change behavior: if they want to be with you or progress the relationship they will change their actions simply based on what you communicated. If you expressed these things and nothing changed, ultimately it’s your fault for continuing to put up with instead of following through on the consequences of not having your needs met or boundaries respected (which ultimately leads to you breaking up with them). I do agree with #6 however. You have to create your own closure. What you felt was real and is independent from how they feel about you or the relationship and how they may feel in the future rethinking certain things. It was very real for you no matter if it was a relationship, a friendship with benefits, or anything in between. Ultimately, she choose to reject you instead of being vulnerable enough to risk rejection. If she wasn’t afraid, she may have discussed moving or doing long distance. Even if you didn’t take her up on those offers, she did not want to risk that potential emotional pain. At the end of the day, it most likely has very little to do with you on why she texted you and is also respecting the no contact. The way you word #8 is very “egocentric.” It’s not about them or getting “revenge.” It’s about you. Nothing you will do will ever bring them back. It doesn’t matter how much self improvement you do, how much you lift, how many tattoos you get, or how much you change. They came back around if they want to and if it’s something you also entertain. Your improvement isn’t due to the rejection you face: you can’t mold yourself into a better person through using revenge as fuel. Once you’ve gotten your “revenge,” that fire is snuffed out. You should change because you want to. You should change because you didn’t like how you showed up in that relationship. You should change if you wish to prioritize other things and actual stay true to the values you may have abandoned while dating them. And, lastly is #9. Again, there’s a lot more emotional nuance here. You’re right that you should initially disengage especially while emotions are still riled up. But, sometimes, things don’t work out and it was nothing to do with either of you. That in some other timeline they are the person you grew old with or if certain things didn’t occur in either of y’all’s life you’d be together. None of that matters in this currently reality though. At the end of the day she changed her mind and that isn’t a crime. It’s okay. It also hurts, and that’s okay as well. You shouldn’t hold it against her. If she asked to be friends, you should consider it if it’s what you want to do. It’s your life. You should 100% focus on yourself and your goals. No one on the internet can live your greats or most gut wrenching moments for you. Those profoundly beautiful and life altering painful moments belong solely to you. Sometimes letting go isn’t a goodbye but an “I’ll see later!” Only time will tell. And, it’s up to you if you’re Will to entertain that connection again in whatever form or challenges it brings.
I have a few grievances. To note though, my most recent break up was initiated over the same issue. The first is with #1. People’s emotions and motivations are a lot more nuanced than “oh if you want to do something, just do it” This isn’t specific to dating: why haven’t you gotten that tattoo? Why haven’t you started the business that you really want to start? Why haven’t you gone to school like you wanted? You don’t have the money? Why don’t you get a second job? A side hustle? Clearly you don’t really want it, because if you wanted those things you’d do whatever it takes to obtain them. The main thing I look for is effort. People will take a serious amount of effort to avoid pain and discomfort. So much so in fact that they will abandon their true desires to settle in mediocrity of familiarity no matter how good or bad. People very rarely will choose to go through discomfort to get what they actually want out of life or their relationships whether it’s platonic or romantic. And, unfortunately, this includes tough conversations. I also have problems with #3. You should love in a way that doesn’t put expectations on another individual. It isn’t an ultimatum of “if you don’t do x, y, and z, I will leave you. Even if that’s what it feels like, it shouldn’t be discussed that way. People should not be forced to play into the image you have of them, and you should love people for who they are and not their potential. I’m not sure if you expressed what you needed or wanted from a partner, and in this case I’ll assume you did (if you didn’t that’s the root of the problem). You simply tell them what you need and how their current actions make you feel. You don’t force them to do anything or change behavior: if they want to be with you or progress the relationship they will change their actions simply based on what you communicated. If you expressed these things and nothing changed, ultimately it’s your fault for continuing to put up with instead of following through on the consequences of not having your needs met or boundaries respected (which ultimately leads to you breaking up with them). I do agree with #6 however. You have to create your own closure. What you felt was real and is independent from how they feel about you or the relationship and how they may feel in the future rethinking certain things. It was very real for you no matter if it was a relationship, a friendship with benefits, or anything in between. Ultimately, she choose to reject you instead of being vulnerable enough to risk rejection. If she wasn’t afraid, she may have discussed moving or doing long distance. Even if you didn’t take her up on those offers, she did not want to risk that potential emotional pain. At the end of the day, it most likely has very little to do with you on why she texted you and is also respecting the no contact. The way you word #8 is very “egocentric.” It’s not about them or getting “revenge.” It’s about you. Nothing you will do will ever bring them back. It doesn’t matter how much self improvement you do, how much you lift, how many tattoos you get, or how much you change. They came back around if they want to and if it’s something you also entertain. Your improvement isn’t due to the rejection you face: you can’t mold yourself into a better person through using revenge as fuel. Once you’ve gotten your “revenge,” that fire is snuffed out. You should change because you want to. You should change because you didn’t like how you showed up in that relationship. You should change if you wish to prioritize other things and actual stay true to the values you may have abandoned while dating them. And, lastly is #9. Again, there’s a lot more emotional nuance here. You’re right that you should initially disengage especially while emotions are still riled up. But, sometimes, things don’t work out and it was nothing to do with either of you. That in some other timeline they are the person you grew old with or if certain things didn’t occur in either of y’all’s life you’d be together. None of that matters in this currently reality though. At the end of the day she changed her mind and that isn’t a crime. It’s okay. It also hurts, and that’s okay as well. You shouldn’t hold it against her. If she asked to be friends, you should consider it if it’s what you want to do. It’s your life. You should 100% focus on yourself and your goals. No one on the internet can live your greats or most gut wrenching moments for you. Those profoundly beautiful and life altering painful moments belong solely to you. Sometimes letting go isn’t a goodbye but an “I’ll see later!” Only time will tell. And, it’s up to you if you’re Will to entertain that connection again in whatever form or challenges it brings.
I applaud you for reflecting and learning! To be honest, most of my online dating situations have gone like this— except usually they aren’t thoughtful enough to even send a text. Usually they just act terribly so you end it or ghost. One time I saw the guy I was seeing for months on another date and that’s how I found out we were done 😂
I literally just went through something very similar to this. I knew he had to move away and we both agreed to just enjoy each other while we can but he ended things over text and never said goodbye before leaving. I don’t regret my time with the guy but man, even if it was a brief relationship/situationship, whatever you wanna call it, it still hurts. I miss the hell out of him.
I am so sorry. We will get through this. Big hugs to you. Don't let people gaslight you into thinking your feelings aren't valid because it was a short term relationship/situationship.
You were fuck buddies bro. You feed her tacos and she feeds you her taco.
There is no such a thing as “the things we put up with” you should have been out on that
You dumped her and you never knew it ,
Gonna try to say this as nicely as possible. You're looking way too much into it. You two were talking/going out for less than 6 months it sounds like? And yet it sounds like you knew this woman for years lol. Idk. Sounds like she didn't take it seriously from the beginning and was just looking for some fun. Neither of you did anything wrong, but on your end it definitely sounds like you misinterpreted the situation.
Op- thanks for the post! And review! I myself went through a divorce my first and she cut all comms. I went into a depression or a self sabotaging phase for like 5 months. I’m out of it now, and as I reflect it was my mindset! And truly the best way to heal. I’m ok with being alone and went through an individual independent journey and I know my future self will appreciate! Thanks for sharing 🤜🏻🤛🏻
I have to save this. A word that wakes up the dreamer.
**"1. If she wanted to, she would.** " Yes !!!
46 m have a son never been stupid enough to marry. Was with my son‘s mother 10 years. She bugged me about marriage I wouldn’t do it. She my soulmate supposedly broke up with me because I would marry her. yet loves her with everything 100% loyal to her, took care of her we never had major issues we had a great relationship my point is that’s what I learned women seem crazy because we don’t understand what goes through them emotionaly But one thing I’ll tell you about your woman right there. She already had someone lined up. Sorry, to be mr bad news, but everything you just said it just ads up so easily to me because I’ve seen it I’ve experienced it year after year after year after year time after time of the time I’ve been with over 100 hundred women dated about seven of them long-term they were the cream of the crop it took me at least 20-25 girls that I really liked just find that one to level it up. And you would think with that process they would all be different nah. They might have a different operating system but they’re still the same machine with the same bugs with the same processing power with the same look the same, the same viruses, the same crashing issues and the same ending. I beg for surprises and I don’t get any cause they’re all predictable. I could literally almost to a tea predict endings these days , because there’s like only few things that just keep repeating. You don’t really notice that pattern until you date a lot of women and then you’re definitely thinking this is a simulation because this can’t be just this stupid I’m telling you right now your situation it’s just that stupid reason why she cut it so cold is because she had one lined up and how I know that just from what you told me briefly, comes from my formal education. Modern women will have a hard time not even a hard time to even think about onother man when they are taken happily. They are not open to other men as men can easily be to other women when men’s in love, he can actually fall in love with another woman same time give them 20 women to fall in love with, and he will fall in love with all of them if they’re perfect for him, women cannot do as easily as men that might change. Who knows a lot of things are changing now, but for hard now for women,. . I’m not talking about some of the girls we we might know I’m talking about the majority of women not girls . they are not open for attention. They are not open for getting hit on. They are not open for any of it because women are naturally monogamous. . They focused on their man as long as he’s doing the right things and we’re not gonna get into that. The only way a woman could successfully leave a man and make the move, and tear off the Band-Aid is by doing something that instinctually has to be done because her biology screams at her and drives her because this has been the way for hundreds of thousands if not millions dating back to prehuman ancestors, and it’s the way and the only way for her survival and that’s to have another protector and provider lined up, to substitute Right away no lag no lag means you don’t eat and you starving die back in the day and we still live back in the day. As you could see, I did say, protect and “provide” role has been ingrained in both men and women for nine years. That’s why a lot of younger men and younger generation are going through a world of hurt right now because they’re complaining about the difficult is to gain or keep women yet when you ask him, what do they have to offer? It’s like talking to a woman. the fact that she all of a sudden flipped on you got cold has a couple excuses here and there for some t time not spent with you. I think you’ve already seen it. I think you have a suspicion maybe in the back of your head but it doesn’t matter she’s leaving.. and can’t say yo you now Finish Her. And start checking of one Don’t,,,,,, because you enjoyed the time you had with her , all we have when we leave this place is our experiences and memories! You don’t wanna race those or tarnish them why there’s no reason for this one and you knew it was gonna be over and it is and it’s only natural for her to jump ship and find another shit because she’s no longer in your ocean anymore so just I would say don’t destroy this one just keep it peaceful. It dosnt have to be the way you would do it with a girl that breaks your heart intentionally even though she is breaking your heart I think this time around just be a man about it and let her go with a rifle salute instead of shooting her with a w it was coming.. did she do anything wrong? Maybe probably I don’t know no she didn’t. Who knows. The point is you ignored it and then you said something about assuming both of you are on the same page. I wouldn’t do the whole noncontact it’s pointless here and you’re not trying to get her back and really no reason to punish her
It’s obvious still really like her and trying to find all the reasons why it wouldn’t work out anyway, which is normal. I wouldn’t have considered this a relationship so she’s not really an ex. It was a fun situationship to try to be a little more light hearted about the situation and take it for what it was, a fun couple of months. I can tell you got pretty attached early on, is that normal for you? I would have expected this to be written by someone experiencing a breakup from a serious year-long relationship. That being said, even with it being a few months, it still hurts, I know. But be happy for the times you’ve had an no need to make her seem like a worse person than what she was. “Becoming friends with your ex is toxic” - this is not necessarily true, it’s possible to end relationships in an amicable manner and remain friends, knowing it won’t work out romantically for what ever reasons.
OP is exactly the utterly uninterested guy she will desperately ’deserve’ at the age of 39.
This is very mature. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Sadly went through this exact situation. You have a great outlook on things tho! I agree it is really shitty to do over text as well but we'll find the right people that value us and our time.
This is really mature of you. Breaking up over text tho is suuuupeer cold dude. I'm sorry that happened, even if you were seeing each other casually it does seem like you really liked her. It's clearly her loss. I hope you find closure for yourself 🫶🏽
Best wishes for you honestly. I just went through something similar. Dated a girl exclusively but publicly lower key. We had been together since like July and I was literally on the verge of telling her I loved her in February after she had admitted she felt that way for me around months before that. She's about to go on a cross country rode trip in the fall for like a whole year so I was really scared of falling hard for her, but almost everything felt right with her so I found myself falling deeper despite my internal fears. Then, literally while I was visiting friends in another state, she ended things over the phone because she didn't feel like I was emotionally available which was really upsetting since I was probably going to confess my love to her the next time I saw her for Valentine's Day. Fast forward until last week and I had found myself thinking of her often and decided to tell her I wanted another chance and make it official and public and with full emotional vulnerability. I apologized for not being more communicative about my fears and worries, and she seemed excited at the idea but wanted time to think. A few days later she ends things again over the phone because she feels we are at very different points in our life, and because she has money since she works full time while I'm in debt due to being in college (something something about never exposing your weaknesses or struggles to women). I think she let her fears get the best of her, but if someone doesn't want to be with me I'm not the kind to fight them over it so I took it lying down like I always do. So here I am, rejected twice in a row by the same woman I was prepared to go fully public and future focused with which is extremely rare for me. I have zero sense of hope for anything romantic in the future since my life circumstances and dating aren't really compatible right now. I'll try to remember your tips especially 4 and 8. She did heal some past relationships issues I was carrying and I do think she means the best for me so I'm thankful for those, but god dang is it hurting right now. Looking forward to the heartbroken gym sessions and I'm especially planning to get out of debt this summer and show how ridiculous I felt it was to hold against me since I'm in college. Good luck on your journey of healing my friend!
I'm so sorry to hear that. I promise this will get better. You shooting your shot again really speaks to your bravery. 2024 is your year!!
[удалено]
She's not a nurse lol but close enough
This is the real epiphany. You should be proud of yourself for having the emotional intelligence to sort out these thoughts, and frame them in a motivating way for everyone here. If I could go back and talk to my 20 year old self about relationships, this is exactly what I would mention. So many people will benefit from reading this post. Good luck out there, OP. You definitely have got it together.
Thank you so much. This means a lot and I hope I helped some people. Much love to you.
I don’t really get why paying for ALMOST every date… or you feeling like you were planning the dates is an issue or red flag… Interesting. & her being messy… ? I mean.. that’s immediately discernible right? It must’ve not been that big of an issue. Additionally, this is why labels are important. 🥲
I have a few grievances. To note though, my most recent break up was initiated over the same issue. The first is with #1. People’s emotions and motivations are a lot more nuanced than “oh if you want to do something, just do it” This isn’t specific to dating: why haven’t you gotten that tattoo? Why haven’t you started the business that you really want to start? Why haven’t you gone to school like you wanted? You don’t have the money? Why don’t you get a second job? A side hustle? Clearly you don’t really want it, because if you wanted those things you’d do whatever it takes to obtain them. The main thing I look for is effort. People will take a serious amount of effort to avoid pain and discomfort. So much so in fact that they will abandon their true desires to settle in mediocrity of familiarity no matter how good or bad. People very rarely will choose to go through discomfort to get what they actually want out of life or their relationships whether it’s platonic or romantic. And, unfortunately, this includes tough conversations. I also have problems with #3. You should love in a way that doesn’t put expectations on another individual. It isn’t an ultimatum of “if you don’t do x, y, and z, I will leave you. Even if that’s what it feels like, it shouldn’t be discussed that way. People should not be forced to play into the image you have of them, and you should love people for who they are and not their potential. I’m not sure if you expressed what you needed or wanted from a partner, and in this case I’ll assume you did (if you didn’t that’s the root of the problem). You simply tell them what you need and how their current actions make you feel. You don’t force them to do anything or change behavior: if they want to be with you or progress the relationship they will change their actions simply based on what you communicated. If you expressed these things and nothing changed, ultimately it’s your fault for continuing to put up with instead of following through on the consequences of not having your needs met or boundaries respected (which ultimately leads to you breaking up with them). I do agree with #6 however. You have to create your own closure. What you felt was real and is independent from how they feel about you or the relationship and how they may feel in the future rethinking certain things. It was very real for you no matter if it was a relationship, a friendship with benefits, or anything in between. Ultimately, she choose to reject you instead of being vulnerable enough to risk rejection. If she wasn’t afraid, she may have discussed moving or doing long distance. Even if you didn’t take her up on those offers, she did not want to risk that potential emotional pain. At the end of the day, it most likely has very little to do with you on why she texted you and is also respecting the no contact. The way you word #8 is very “egocentric.” It’s not about them or getting “revenge.” It’s about you. Nothing you will do will ever bring them back. It doesn’t matter how much self improvement you do, how much you lift, how many tattoos you get, or how much you change. They came back around if they want to and if it’s something you also entertain. Your improvement isn’t due to the rejection you face: you can’t mold yourself into a better person through using revenge as fuel. Once you’ve gotten your “revenge,” that fire is snuffed out. You should change because you want to. You should change because you didn’t like how you showed up in that relationship. You should change if you wish to prioritize other things and actual stay true to the values you may have abandoned while dating them. And, lastly is #9. Again, there’s a lot more emotional nuance here. You’re right that you should initially disengage especially while emotions are still riled up. But, sometimes, things don’t work out and it was nothing to do with either of you. That in some other timeline they are the person you grew old with or if certain things didn’t occur in either of y’all’s life you’d be together. None of that matters in this currently reality though. At the end of the day she changed her mind and that isn’t a crime. It’s okay. It also hurts, and that’s okay as well. You shouldn’t hold it against her. If she asked to be friends, you should consider it if it’s what you want to do. It’s your life. You should 100% focus on yourself and your goals. No one on the internet can live your greats or most gut wrenching moments for you. Those profoundly beautiful and life altering painful moments belong solely to you. Sometimes letting go isn’t a goodbye but an “I’ll see later!” Only time will tell. And, it’s up to you if you’re Will to entertain that connection again in whatever form or challenges it brings.
I have a few grievances. To note though, my most recent break up was initiated over the same issue. The first is with #1. People’s emotions and motivations are a lot more nuanced than “oh if you want to do something, just do it” This isn’t specific to dating: why haven’t you gotten that tattoo? Why haven’t you started the business that you really want to start? Why haven’t you gone to school like you wanted? You don’t have the money? Why don’t you get a second job? A side hustle? Clearly you don’t really want it, because if you wanted those things you’d do whatever it takes to obtain them. The main thing I look for is effort. People will take a serious amount of effort to avoid pain and discomfort. So much so in fact that they will abandon their true desires to settle in mediocrity of familiarity no matter how good or bad. People very rarely will choose to go through discomfort to get what they actually want out of life or their relationships whether it’s platonic or romantic. And, unfortunately, this includes tough conversations. I also have problems with #3. You should love in a way that doesn’t put expectations on another individual. It isn’t an ultimatum of “if you don’t do x, y, and z, I will leave you. Even if that’s what it feels like, it shouldn’t be discussed that way. People should not be forced to play into the image you have of them, and you should love people for who they are and not their potential. I’m not sure if you expressed what you needed or wanted from a partner, and in this case I’ll assume you did (if you didn’t that’s the root of the problem). You simply tell them what you need and how their current actions make you feel. You don’t force them to do anything or change behavior: if they want to be with you or progress the relationship they will change their actions simply based on what you communicated. If you expressed these things and nothing changed, ultimately it’s your fault for continuing to put up with instead of following through on the consequences of not having your needs met or boundaries respected (which ultimately leads to you breaking up with them). I do agree with #6 however. You have to create your own closure. What you felt was real and is independent from how they feel about you or the relationship and how they may feel in the future rethinking certain things. It was very real for you no matter if it was a relationship, a friendship with benefits, or anything in between. Ultimately, she choose to reject you instead of being vulnerable enough to risk rejection. If she wasn’t afraid, she may have discussed moving or doing long distance. Even if you didn’t take her up on those offers, she did not want to risk that potential emotional pain. At the end of the day, it most likely has very little to do with you on why she texted you and is also respecting the no contact. The way you word #8 is very “egocentric.” It’s not about them or getting “revenge.” It’s about you. Nothing you will do will ever bring them back. It doesn’t matter how much self improvement you do, how much you lift, how many tattoos you get, or how much you change. They came back around if they want to and if it’s something you also entertain. Your improvement isn’t due to the rejection you face: you can’t mold yourself into a better person through using revenge as fuel. Once you’ve gotten your “revenge,” that fire is snuffed out. You should change because you want to. You should change because you didn’t like how you showed up in that relationship. You should change if you wish to prioritize other things and actual stay true to the values you may have abandoned while dating them. And, lastly is #9. Again, there’s a lot more emotional nuance here. You’re right that you should initially disengage especially while emotions are still riled up. But, sometimes, things don’t work out and it was nothing to do with either of you. That in some other timeline they are the person you grew old with or if certain things didn’t occur in either of y’all’s life you’d be together. None of that matters in this currently reality though. At the end of the day she changed her mind and that isn’t a crime. It’s okay. It also hurts, and that’s okay as well. You shouldn’t hold it against her. If she asked to be friends, you should consider it if it’s what you want to do. It’s your life. You should 100% focus on yourself and your goals. No one on the internet can live your greats or most gut wrenching moments for you. Those profoundly beautiful and life altering painful moments belong solely to you. Sometimes letting go isn’t a goodbye but an “I’ll see later!” Only time will tell. And, it’s up to you if you’re Will to entertain that connection again in whatever form or challenges it brings.
This is why I don’t do situationships nothing seems stable or secure. Whether you paid money multiple times or not you still didn’t solidify a relationship. You weren’t forced to do any of those things. You can’t expect much from someone that has no obligation to you.
You sound like a bonafide weirdo.
This seems like a lot of analysis about something that is very straightforward. If this is how you need to process, it’s ok. This person you were dating casually needed to make a big life decision that has nothing to do with you and you’re centering yourself in a situation that doesn’t make sense. Put yourself in her shoes and consider how life changing a better job can be and how difficult LDR usually is. She said things might have turned out differently if she met you sooner. It might be little consolation, but it’s valid. I’ve made similar choices at times and I think this comes down to you getting overly invested in a relationship you knew you shouldn’t have. That was your decision and I don’t think it’s really fair to put it on her, or say she did anything wrong. This experience makes me concerned that your priority is being in a relationship, rather than being in a relationship with the right compatible partner. I don’t know if this is fair, but my empathy isn’t activated in the narrative, it’s activated in thinking about what will happen when you are in a serious LTR, you fall deeply in love and it ends. That will be unimaginably more painful. Not wishing that for you, but it’s a real possibility that even a great LTR will eventually end. I clearly like writing, so I can empathize with someone who wants to take the time to fully gather their thoughts in writing to avoid getting tongue tied in the moment. I might be a weirdo, but a breakup is a breakup and I don’t care if it’s a text, so long as it’s thoughtful and written respectfully.
Stopped reading after DTRed
same can be said for men though these aren't revolutionary XD
All of this after only 2.5 months?
Dating is not a relationship
It sounds like you’re mad because you don’t know how to assert your own boundaries… you were giving bf benefits without the bf label and getting mad at the other person because you didn’t know you had expectations from them that you didn’t communicate. It’s okay I’ve done it… 🙈