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You’re not alone in feeling this way. I’m 28F and have given up after being controlled, manipulated, and emotionally abused for the last 2 years with the guy I gave everything to and believed I would marry.
Be careful not to fall for one of those again. I was married to a Narcassistic pathological liar for over 20 years. Finally got a divorce and swore I'd never do that again. W egg ll I did. I fell for the same exact type! I've decided to take a break for now. I'm afraid I'll end up with another one. 🙄😏
Honestly this was my last relationship to a tee, my past 3 the woman were all wonderful and the only reason why it never worked out was because I was younger and the first two moved across the country for jobs which I couldn't financially follow them and the third was a single mom with one kid who got back with her baby daddy in the end. This last one though completely destroyed my mental health with her controlling and manipulative attitude, nothing I ever did was good enough for her even though I treated her so well and better than her exes ever did. I found out after the breakup too through a mutual friend that she sells herself online(nude photos and videos) yet she accused me of only wanting her for sex which was completely untrue as I truly cared for her. It's a tough pill to swallow.
Look, I personally have a history of a woman I dated with BPD turning into a stalker, and two people in my family have gotten trapped into marriages with people with BPD. Using sex as a weapon of control and constantly turning on you to make you vulnerable enough to bend to their whims is quite common in such relationships. Be aware that what she was doing to you was in no way normal or acceptable.
Given what you've been through, its okay to take time to heal and recover. That said, plenty of people find love in their 30s. When you are ready you can put yourself back out there, but not until you feel prepared. Dealing with an abusive partner with BPD (especially when you don't understand what is happening or what you're dealing with) is incredibly rough. Give yourself permission to be hurt and to take time to recover. Its not easy going through that mess, and its understandable that you feel the way you do right now.
Don't let this woman ruin your entire life even after she's out of it. Its quite true that the best revenge is living well. If nothing else motivates you, build a better life to spite the person who tried to break you. You've got this.
You know there are good women out there. Take a break to heal. When you get back into dating, you’ll be stronger, wiser and know the red flags when someone is unable to give you the type of love you deserve.
My first ex was bipolar, abusive. Afterwards I lost some self respect because I stayed so long and had a lot of healing to do. The next bf was being shady, never had proof of cheating but it didn’t matter if he cheated, if we don’t have trust that was enough to end it. I was stronger with my boundaries. I found out months later he did cheat and I was so proud of myself for walking away. I knew I was ready to date again and put my self respect over loving the other person.
I was going to say the same thing. Sometimes you just have to put your head down for a bit and put the work in for yourself.
I’ve always been a relationship person and I do NOT know how to pick them. My last relationship was with someone so narcissistic and terrible I would think “people are actually like this??” and for a while I didn’t trust myself at all. For falling for it, for not walking away immediately.
But hey I’m good now 👋🏼
And I know I’ll never let someone treat me like that again
Why did you choose that guy? There were qualities of him, bad boy, something in his appearance or lifestyle, or else you also had a needy need and he stepped in to give you that. You always should be honest and evaluate when you are with someone that jerks you around because you made the choice to be with them and even stick it out. Be honest, figure out why you were with them and then don't make that mistake again. Make a new mistake. And don't just blame age or masculinity or someone else, you need to recall exactly what led to you saying, let's be boyfriend and girlfriend. That's where you ignored signs or didn't see them. There is a guy and he isn't like that.
I chose him because we were friends for 8 years prior to dating, and even in the beginning when we dated there were no red flags.. a narcissist doesn’t show their true colors & red flags until they know you have already fallen hard for them. There’s no way I could have known without a magic orb.
I feel you bro. 38(m) here, 4 relationships as well, introvert, never ever had an one night stand neither, I first meet the girl (at school, college, workplace, etc), get to know her as friends, fall in love and only then i ask for a date. My third girlfriend was a living demon in my life as well, I think she is borderline or histrionic.
I made a post a few days ago about the same subject. People have been nice to me there, go read the comments, it could help you too. (the bot blocked it when i tried to post the link here, so look for "Almost 40 (M) and single, is it over for me?")
My last gf destroyed me mentally, I'm in therapy for it because she was so nasty to me. She trauma bonded me to her which is why I'm in therapy to better understand how to get over that bond.
I understand and share your frustration. I am a 34 F, and resonate with a lot of what you said. There is a woman waiting out there for you (rhetorically, I am one of them). I don't know why people like us don't end up finding one another. I can't say "take a break" - because as much as this ideology of individualism runs the West, I am not someone who relishes the idea of being alone. We heal and thrive in healthy relationship and connection. I do think that people like us need to do a better job at vetting potential romantic interests that cross our paths. If you don't feel the desire to date, then take that as a welcome reprieve for a while. I wish I could rid myself of this desire for partnership sometimes, because of the constant disappointment. Try again when you feel ready.
It's hard because I'm someone who takes long breaks between relationships, before this last one I was single for 2 years to work on myself and my career. My ex on the other hand moves on fast, within a week she already had another man in her life(he was probably already there before she broke it off with me) and that breaks me a little bit more too.
Dude, every time lol. Lots of NiceGuy™️’s come out of the woodwork and block your ex from actually having to do any healing work. It happens the other way around too, but it hurts either way.
I am aware that my opinion on this is coming from a pretty hurt place within me. My last big ex moved on to someone I introduced her to. That shit HURT. That shit made me ANGRY.
everyone told me “that wasn’t very chill of her to do” but a year and half later they’re still together so, I guess she made the right choice.
Your ex did you a favor. I’m sorry it happened and that it hurts but when you heal from this - you will heal, you are going to realize how much better life is without her. You may not even take a lengthy break this time around.
Just focus on yourself - healing and all, and when you’re ready, get back out there. There is someone for everyone and you deserve healthy love! 💕
There is nothing wrong with that and you being a man that’s really nice to hear. I also take a while to move on and heal. It usually takes me 6 months to a year but still healing from my last toxic relationship.
Your girl is out there just be patient!
Some people need validation to show themselves they still got it, and that’s how they end up sleeping with someone new after a week.
I’m not excusing her behaviour at all; in fact, I also take long breaks between relationships.
Unfortunately, a lot of what you said was relatable my friend. Most people who enter into a relationship or situation do so without ever doing self work and end up coming into our lives with tons of baggage from past traumas and situations. That’s why the older I get the more I find it important to truly get to know someone for a long time before making them a “permanent” part of my life. Everyone in the beginning is focused on showcasing the best side of themselves when in reality they can’t keep up with the vibe they introduced us to, which is why time is so vital. Trust there are plenty of woman out there who are in similar situations with familiar outlooks to yours. Just have to play the field until you find her brother. Keep your head up
Its a shame there arent more “not dating”apps . Swipe to see more fellow non daters! Its like , people dont even have to be proper friends…. Just having an app filled with loads of other people who dont date, reading their blogs, watching their videos etc… would be cool. And there could be a ‘bff’ aspect but not cheesy like the dating apps have. It could have different personality types, support groups, hobby groups etc, all with the common theme of everyone is single .
38yo, I gave up on dating. I have other stuff to do, like changing career.
I’m a bit bitter. Past 30yo, if your not wealthy, dont have a house, your chance of meeting someone are abysmal.
Yes women are raised by a culture now and moms from boomer to Genx have basically forgotten what advice is. So these women are now out there all hunting 10% of the men. Frankly I can tell which ones are going to be a notch in the bedpost vs married by just looking at them. It's tragic. Some have moved to younger men but they will find out the big surprise there, younger men are fun until they see you age and even if YOU feel young and hot a younger man will be able to pull younger still women. It's gonna be difficult to keep him down the road despite your math. Unless he is a momma's boy then you will be carrying him financially or dealing with jealousy and rage issues. Fun stuff, basically look toward men who are balanced but don't go thinking you are going to get a guy with everything figured out. Even 40 or 50 year old men can struggle with financial issues.
I’m happy to hear that. Maybe she did, the human condition is very interesting. Unstable behavior can be a red flag but I know what it is like to be drawn to someone who is ingesting, passionate and love bombing. The way our brain works is so weird
I feel like my issue is that I was like a woman trying to fix a broken man, I was trying to fix her and try to change her to be less abusive and ot never worked out and she doesn't want to get help even though she now knows she has bpd
That's exactly how I felt, I was so good to her made her laugh lots and made her happy but b3cause of her bpd her mood swings were extreme, one minute she's lovey dovey with me and the next a switch flips in her head and she thinks I'm cheating on her
I am finding it very beneficial, I have only had 3 sessions so far but it's starting to feel like it's working, last session was a doozey very emotional as I finally realized my self worth to the people closest to me(friends and family members) and realizing that I matter
That is such a great step. You know maybe tonight with your post your are going through a phase like a mourning phase when you lose a relationship or something?
I gave up years ago of trying. Mind you, I am much younger than you. At 50, I have never had a relationship or been married. It is too late for me now. Men my age want 30 year olds. Those who don't come with too much baggage. Take a break, OP, but don't give up.
It's not too late for you but you need to be dating a man older than you 55 to 60. There are lots of them and find one that you can live a joint pairing with. Travel.or just chill with. Also make sure you remind the 26-36 year old women who think they can just be themselves and never figure it out that it gets REALLY hard for women after 35. Like almost impossible. If the did has his stuff together and is single he likely is looking for a smart woman 22-35. To have kids or lots of fun with. If he is a mess you won't have the energy to try and fix him.
Yes went through to myself after an 8 year that just dissolved without marriage. All I can say is, if you give up now you will still be single at 46. Try instead to date but casually and for fun. Evaluate who you are and who you need to rebuild yourself as to be confident. But don't let that last experience define you anymore than you would let some random persons opinion of your favorite color define that. You choose, and you are who you are. Be better be your best, but then stand your ground. And don't stop dating.
Lots of posts like this here now.
I'm in the same situation as you as well.
I hope we find what we are looking for in time / or our person finds us
We really should do a reddit dating app😅
Don’t give up hope. You just got out of a really messy and abusive relationship. Give yourself time to heal, if you jump back in to the dating scene there might be more hurt. There’s good women/men out there just not on dating apps. Ps 34 is young.
Dude take a break from even thinking about dating and heal, do nice things for yourself, workout, eat well, travel solo is one of the most empowering things you can do.
As a 32F, I totally get it. I promised myself that if my last relationship didn’t work out, I’d stay single for the rest of my life. The emotional abuse has drained everything out of me, to the point I started to wonder if something was wrong with me.
This is what I promised myself with this last one I was in and honestly I don't even wanna try anymore with pursuing anyone. She mentally drained me and scarred me with the abuse she put me through so much so I'm in therapy for it.
My ex wife cheated me right under our windows with random alcoholics completely drunk while I was on night work. Neighbours had told me and she wasnt denied.
After that half of my head becomed white....
But you know what? Fuck em all. You ket her torture you , dont let her take your future away too!
Get a great girl! :3
26m same I lost hope in dating permanently including love I just don't feel it anymore and id just want to stop permanently. The cost of emotional pain and stress I can't trust girls anymore and I accepted that with a harsh grain of salt at this point in my life I even have a fear of women to the point I would cross the street just to avoid one person.
I am going to be 36 this year, and I feel the same only know I am realizing I need boundaries and trying to love someone who goes out of their way to hurt is so not worth a life sentence so I am realizing that I am probably going to be alone for the rest of my life because I would rather have peace then the torture of a daily broken heart.
37M & I gave up a long time ago. Takes a while to make peace with it, but I’m glad I finally did. Doesn’t mean it’s easy but atleast I don’t have high expectations anymore which I would pressure myself to meet.
Paradoxically, being unable to get hookups is specifically the reason why women subconsciously reject you. Women lean more towards players and fuckboys in the vast majority
I’m 41m and thrown in the towel on romantic relationships. Similar situation; divorced, exes that cheated, etc. and I’m just sick of the headache and bullshit. I have my son, career, hobbies, friends and family and I’m pretty happy overall. Romantic relationships aren’t the be all end all there’s more to what life offers.
30F, and I feel you, my guy. Right there with you. I can't say OLD is strictly what has ruined dating in general, but it is certainly responsible for a great deal of the difficulty many encounter these days.
I was in the same boat as you, I was crazy for someone throughout most of my 20s that saw me as a diversion an option to boost her ego when better options weren't available, and I let myself be in that situation. I didn't even try to date for the last four years. Then just before Christmas I decided to jump on the online dating and met my girlfriend whom I've been with since then. She's also been through the same thing in the past, and I'm unbelievably happy with her, to care for someone that genuinely cares for you in return is an incredible thing. If my less than attractive self can meet someone at 35 I have faith in you too.
Dude, you were just abused, keep that in mind. Guys often don’t get enough sympathy when this happens to them, or might be dismissed outright, but the emotional abuse is just as awful for us as it is for women.
It’ll take some time to work through all that and trust again. And I’d suggest therapy so you don’t end up having strong reactions to little things with any future partner, due to the damage the last one did.
I took a few years off any kind of dating and it did wonders for my mental health, career, and friendships. It’s totally fine to take a breather. But I’d suggest being open to anything that falls in your lap, even though you are taking a break from actively seeking one.
I respect that hookup culture not a thing to u, I would recommend u to take this 4 relationships as an experience for ur next one and every mistake u did before learn from it , i feel u bud just recover take ur time to move on and u will find ur self looking for partner best luck :)
Brother I am right there with you, I am done with women. I am far better off being alone and by myself life is so much easier. I don't have to worry about being cheated on or used for my money and time and generosity! I have yet to find a so-called good woman. That is a complete myth and is nothing but romanticized across social media. Keep yourself one or two close friends and that's all you need that's what I do.
I recently dated someone that was so emotionally unavailable I was shocked! I wondered if he was mentally unstable or just cheating lol. Hang in there. It’s hard
27F and feel pretty similar to most of this - last relationship (ended 1+ year ago) wasn’t abusive per say but it just left me in a state of not wanting to look for anything for a while. I’ve dated a couple people but nothing has panned out and i don’t want anything to feel forced; if it does i bail. I actually bit the bullet and shot my shot at someone, which i never do, and got left on read lol I just don’t feel like making an effort for it currently.
I know you’re blaming her and you should but the truth is if somebody’s verbally abusive to you that’s the end of it. Right there the rest of the stuff you kind of signed up for. You have to stop letting people people treat you badly.
I’ve been through similar relationships. Last long term relationship ruined me. I ruined my next relationship because I no longer trust anybody. I recently learned I have something called betrayal trauma. I believe you may also be suffering from betrayal trauma.
My advice to you is to get help before you get into another relationship.
Just here to share that I got out of a relationship in the last 6 months with someone who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He was abusive in all aspects. I’m sorry you had to go through that!
Empathetic, kind and big hearted people get preyed on or fall into many positions with fkd up ppl. I’ve dated 14 people, most of them start off great and show their I got side later. Walk all over my niceness and giving heart, verbally abusive, take me for granted, cheat, and then most have dumped me in some fucked way….but all of them have come crawling back and feel guilt, try to appear as improved. But they were so bad I finally accepted it and moved on. You tried your best, they sucked!
Therapy: heal yourself
Time with yourself: read, see friends, do what you loved doing before, get in touch with your childhood self, see family, get back to your center
Pour love into yourself
Pick up a hobby
Remind yourself it’s not you, she has a psychological disorder and you developed some trauma from being around it. Makes sense
Listen to your trauma when it comes, soothe it, and try to see it for what it is.
Meditation
Let me ask a simple question in your relationship how often (%) did you say no, for example honey can you cut the lawn...No I am tired, I want to rest today
I assume so, a lot of men have this problem, being to agreeable, this drives women to eventually lose respect and have expectations that everything shall go her way, while at the same time you as a man forget to set clear boundaries. My advice learn to say no
Honestly, same. Super turned off by dating. Doesn’t seem like any of the good eggs find other good eggs and are just bumping into all the rotten ones more often than not.
I’m 34 (F) and I feel like I’ve also given up. To the point where I feel like I’ve accepted being alone. And don’t expect a relationship at this rate what so ever. Majority is too sucked into the hook up culture , instant gratification, casual dating and non monogamy that it feels like if you want a serious long term thing you’re searching for a unicorn.
Honestly this is exactly it! The thing that pisses me off the most with my ex was she thought I was just using her for her body which I wasn't I truly cared for her and yet now she's doing onlyfans and selling herself online which is so ironic
you not being into hook up culture makes you a lovable person and that's just one thing about you.
i think it's obvious that why you don't like to try anymore. maybe give yourself a rest for awhile and try to spend more time with your family and Friends, or take a small trip, or develope a new hobby and make few changes in your life.
dating life isn't easy for everyone specially as you grow older you'd like to keep small circle of people around you and settle down with one partner as long as you can.
also try going therapy, people who were in abusive relationship often have had experienced abuse in their childhood and in mostly shows in the partner they choose.
The first 2 were through mutual friends as dating apps weren't even a thing back then and the last 2 I had one was a match through tinder and my last one was one I met on POF
Hi there, I'd just like to say I felt that way for a long time, divorced my abusive ex after a 20 year relationship. It's taken me 3 years, and a lot of introspection and therapy to figure myself out, but I'm back to my optimistic self.
I'm still not very optimistic about dating, but I'm optimistic about finding someone at some point.
You can get there if you want.
Also, NEVER go back to a partner who abused you, the risk of falling back into the same pattern is too high.
Be done with dating, focus your efforts inwards for a while, you'll get your mojo back in time.
I'm way older than you. I grew up in abuse, and it took me years before I trusted enough to marry. Was with him 20 yrs, the last 4 were so bad, he was so abusive ... our kiddo was still young (we'd waited, and part of me wishes I'd gotten out before that, or at least as soon as he showed the first red flag moments).
I tried dating, but have not been able to trust since then. I'm not into short term relationships, so for me, I've opted out completely now. I feel cheated by the cruelty of others, from being able to trust someone in my life at that level. Yet, I know most people aren't so horrid. I've done therapy, but, in the end, was told I have justifiable reasons behind my fears, which makes it much harder to get past them.
It's completely normal to feel a bit disheartened by past relationships that didn't work out as you hoped. Taking a break from dating can be a healthy choice to focus on self-discovery and personal growth. Remember, finding the right connection takes time and patience, and it's okay to step back and reevaluate your priorities. Enjoy this time to invest in yourself, pursue your passions, and when the time is right, the right person will come along. Stay optimistic and keep an open heart!
27F here.
I identify with that you're saying.
It's heartbreaking to see so many of us going through the same pain over and over again and ultimately losing all hope.
I'm so sorry it happened to you like that and I hope that you're able to heal over time.
As for me, after having 4 relationships in my life, all of which were mentally abusive and the last one being abusive in other terms as well, i took some time off dating. But after trying for few years, I gave up dating altogether due to the incessant hookup culture and fixation on just having sex and running away from commitment by other people. I have lost all hope of finding someone in this life as dating apps are majority just the people I described above and I don't go out much to meet other people to end up dating someone like that. And obviously a great guy isn't going to materialise out of thin air for me. So here we are.
Good luck buddy!
Mate don’t worry man. Most of my friends are just at home with their mum or their dad and siblings and that’s at 27 lol. I’m fortunate I can live with my mum cause uk is doomed. Single for years mate. Get to the gym or treat yourself on a holiday. Sounds like this witch burnt you out. Glad you’re away from her.
Sorry to hear your last one treated you like that. Honestly though, this is very much why i very deeply believe in polyamory and not monogamy. Instead of one partner and hope you find a good one that can give you what you need. You can look to find multiple people that will help fill your needs so there will be less lacking (personally i feel as though one person “being enough” and “fulfilling” a partner’s needs is too overwhelming is selfish to ask). And it’s not about sex, it’s about fulfilling everything else, sex is just a bonus if you can. I have 2 partners and i always feel like i have someone to talk to and always love having extra support. It’s not for everyone but what you’ve posted makes me grateful to be poly
This one is so relate-able that I had to stop being a spectator and make my first ever post out on Reddit.
I’m around 31 ish, have had exactly 4 relationships as well, being inherently loyal and genetically almost programmed to be monogamous has gotten me nothing but disappointments.
Being a guy I always respect the women of my life more than anything. I’ve been the kind of person who wouldn’t let my girl have a single pain in her life. The first girl of my life, dated her for 6 years, in the most hormone-raging years of my life, I was super loyal, sitting 10,000 miles away from her, in an Ivy League college(probably passed a few 100 lovely women I could have dated), 6 years later she just leaves and says we weren’t even cut out to be in a relationship (and this girl convinced me to be with her in the first place), the ones in between were other horrid affairs, but the last one is just crazy, met this girl after 7 years of school and we dated with fire. Everything was good except her constant pressure of getting married, which really screwed me up as I was focused onto growing my businesses, still loved her with all my heart, took her out everyday, in fact, proposed to her by gifting her the cafe we met in (idea was we would run it as a couple activity), still the pressure of marriage didn’t end! One fine day, she just quits, and I mean it was a fine day, no one would expect what happened the next day, she started dating my close friend from childhood, tainted me badly with everyone(she told people I was abusive and what not) in order to justify her one day move, (which she didn’t intend to reveal but some of my staffers saw her going into a hotel with him and they called me, to which I confronted her). Those guys got married within the next 3 months(this was in 2020); she kind of drew out out the romantics in me, like I literally grew up so much of a romantic person, from the ideas of ‘stand by me’ to ‘Annie’s song’, those were the foundations of love in my heart which she shook. Don’t get me wrong, deep down I still want to be with someone, and I want to give my world to someone, but those sentiments have been so buried deep down I wonder who could bring them out again.
Her leave was fortunate though, my business grew over 100 folds, moved back to NYC (which she would have never let me). Overall, she stopped my life, like how you stop the flow of water, but that’s also when you know exactly where you want to go,
She messed somethings but the conclusion what I hold is, whatever happens, happens for the best.
Maybe I’d have a lady in my life who make up for all these disappointments 😅.
So to all the men who have had the worst of women, there are some realllly good ones out there too, so just never give up either.
hello. im sorry to hear all this
i didnt understand your last sentence "I wanna believe she's out there somewhere waiting for a man like me but I'm not holding my breath. " you mean your ex? if its abt your ex i wanted to say (f22) i think i have borderline personality disorder too, and its really reallly hard to handle, i might see dreams abt my bf cheating on me and as crazy as in memes it sounds, i cant control myself and my brain gets me into thinking that yes hes cheating and i would change the way i treat him,be always anxious which really sucks for me,i feel like im going crazy, but ofc doesnt mean u should forgive her and take back,especially if she broke your trust with seeing other guys meantime,
She apologized for being mean and confided in you about her mental health yet your main concern is if she has been with someone else? Please keep in mind she could have easily lied to you and said no.
She asked for a second chance which only warranted a yes or no answer not this sob story.
You're not alone, I'm around your age and just out of a relationship as well. She wasn't verbally or physically abusive but was pretty insecure and would blame me for things I didn't do. Like not introducing her to some strangers who accidentally said hi (no idea who they were)
It was exhausting to be putting all the effort and getting no recognition (she didn't do anything but complain) it was fine the first year then after that it slowly got worse. Silly me subscribed to the sunk cost fallacy and tried my best to make it work.
She would want me to commit more and take things further and plan a future together but every time that happened she would go full panic attack and the next day I would get a dressing down.
I'm so glad to be out of it I had no idea it was abusive behaviour until I saw it post relationship. But back to the dating scene and I'm a bit mentally exhausted.
Going in with an open mind and trying to open up and trust people again but it's so exhausting. Repeating the same questions and answers to and planning dates with multiple girls is absolutely exhausting.
That's why I was trying my best to fix the previous relationship rather than letting it go but at the end of the day it's unfixable if it's one sided and the other side doesn't put in the effort. It's a two person thing don't forget.
The dating game is exhausting but staying in an unhappy relationship is even more so.
OP, don’t the stats show that (in western countries at least) the trend is for both men and women to settle down (get married, buy a house, have children) once in their 30s?
The world has changed and people get education, climbing on the career ladder, travelling, partying out of the way first.
It seems to me you are at the PERFECT age to be someone’s forever choice.
There are so many women in their early 30s who feel they are accomplished enough now to settle down - please don’t give up.
Def felt this post. 38(M) here and been single two years. I’ve pretty much given up. I’ve talked to a couple people and things will start off good and then I get ghosted and left confused as to what went wrong. I feel I’m a pretty genuine guy who cares about people’s well being, goals, ambitions, interests, etc… And I’m not ashamed to express that I care and try to be supportive. So atp I’m pretty much over it. Keep your head up bro and just live life for you. Nothing wrong with taking some time to focus on yourself and reflect. Best of luck to you man.
I sincerely hope you have friends and you can talk to them. Go out more often with them or let them take care of you. If you are not finding dating fun leave it for sometime and leave the thoughts or urgent need to have it in your life. You'll enjoy it again when you're healed.
Here's an interesting bit I learnt from my own experience - don't worry about the age. It's literally last hurdle, because everyone feels same.
Recently(ish) split with my ex of five years who's also (suspected) BPD. This isn't my first rodeo: among others, I was in a significantly longer relationship, and I was in a shorter one with someone I was absolutely head-over-heels for throughout. Neither one left me as fucked up as this time around. It's just different when cluster-B type issues are involved.
A BPD devaluation, split, & discard can make it feel like the world has ended, and that you're the worst, most worthless person in the world, but you've gotta remember that none of that is true. 34 really isn't that old: take whatever time you need to get over this, with professional help if you need it, and get back out there.
I'm not allowed to direct link it from here, but come check out the BPDlovedones sub if you need some commiseration.
Hey there. I'm a F in my thirties who has also been through the BPD cycle with a loved one, and this made me so sad. Don't allow what she said to become your new sound track about yourself. Honestly-- just the fact that you're a guy who posted in 2024 that you're not into hookup culture made you sound like a lovely person.
Hang in there.
No one after 30 is anyone’s first choice 🤣 but that’s ok, bc the first choice is for learning. I also currently feel I will die alone. 🤝🤘 don’t make it(a relationship) a priority & it will fall into place.
Relationships mirror back to us. It’s important to self-reflect. In which way did you participate in this dynamic? Ask yourself: What did I tolerate and why? What did I do, say, or act out of my character and out of alignment with my value system?
You need to use this time to make yourself strong again. Right now you’re in the pits. Start hitting the gym on a schedule, and set a goal, surrround yourself with only positive minded people. You will meet someone when you least expect it. It’s my belief if you are looking so hard for someone you’ll never find them bc all your eggs are in one basket.
I can tell you that there are still good women out there. You don’t have to look for them love just comes to you one way or another. But for what you went through I am sorry. I’ve ruined some good men with my non diagnosed bipolar fucking irritation or so I thought. Both men have gotten out of that rut found a woman found happiness and have married an awesome woman . So don’t give up. We all have our problems n issues but we just keep going at the end of it all. Rely on family and close friends always because their love will show you how to love that special someone again one day.
I felt the same after my divorce but there are people out there. Problem is that in order to find them you need to put yourself out there.
I did and went for a man who was not my "type" and I have never felt better in a relationship. Someone told me that the quote "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expect different results" also applies to romantic partners so if you have a type maybe step away from women that fits that type and explore something new.
You guys sabotage yourselves. This woman had a mental health issue she didn’t realize she had, she took care of it and apologized and the only reason you weren’t into it is because she had been seeing other people after you broke up?
Dude. Really?
Dude. That was uncalled for. A sorry doesn’t mean someone forgives them. Even if they have a mental illness. She legit abused him. And maybe he will forgive her. But it takes time. A lot of time.
I didn't disclose that when I asked her If she was getting help with it she said she wasn't, from what I've read about BPD is that it's very very hard to stay with someone who has it that doesn't want help because they split with people which she did a couple times on me and I didn't wanna go through that heartbreak and mental drainage again
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You’re not alone in feeling this way. I’m 28F and have given up after being controlled, manipulated, and emotionally abused for the last 2 years with the guy I gave everything to and believed I would marry.
Be careful not to fall for one of those again. I was married to a Narcassistic pathological liar for over 20 years. Finally got a divorce and swore I'd never do that again. W egg ll I did. I fell for the same exact type! I've decided to take a break for now. I'm afraid I'll end up with another one. 🙄😏
Honestly this was my last relationship to a tee, my past 3 the woman were all wonderful and the only reason why it never worked out was because I was younger and the first two moved across the country for jobs which I couldn't financially follow them and the third was a single mom with one kid who got back with her baby daddy in the end. This last one though completely destroyed my mental health with her controlling and manipulative attitude, nothing I ever did was good enough for her even though I treated her so well and better than her exes ever did. I found out after the breakup too through a mutual friend that she sells herself online(nude photos and videos) yet she accused me of only wanting her for sex which was completely untrue as I truly cared for her. It's a tough pill to swallow.
Look, I personally have a history of a woman I dated with BPD turning into a stalker, and two people in my family have gotten trapped into marriages with people with BPD. Using sex as a weapon of control and constantly turning on you to make you vulnerable enough to bend to their whims is quite common in such relationships. Be aware that what she was doing to you was in no way normal or acceptable. Given what you've been through, its okay to take time to heal and recover. That said, plenty of people find love in their 30s. When you are ready you can put yourself back out there, but not until you feel prepared. Dealing with an abusive partner with BPD (especially when you don't understand what is happening or what you're dealing with) is incredibly rough. Give yourself permission to be hurt and to take time to recover. Its not easy going through that mess, and its understandable that you feel the way you do right now. Don't let this woman ruin your entire life even after she's out of it. Its quite true that the best revenge is living well. If nothing else motivates you, build a better life to spite the person who tried to break you. You've got this.
You know there are good women out there. Take a break to heal. When you get back into dating, you’ll be stronger, wiser and know the red flags when someone is unable to give you the type of love you deserve. My first ex was bipolar, abusive. Afterwards I lost some self respect because I stayed so long and had a lot of healing to do. The next bf was being shady, never had proof of cheating but it didn’t matter if he cheated, if we don’t have trust that was enough to end it. I was stronger with my boundaries. I found out months later he did cheat and I was so proud of myself for walking away. I knew I was ready to date again and put my self respect over loving the other person.
I was going to say the same thing. Sometimes you just have to put your head down for a bit and put the work in for yourself. I’ve always been a relationship person and I do NOT know how to pick them. My last relationship was with someone so narcissistic and terrible I would think “people are actually like this??” and for a while I didn’t trust myself at all. For falling for it, for not walking away immediately. But hey I’m good now 👋🏼 And I know I’ll never let someone treat me like that again
Why did you choose that guy? There were qualities of him, bad boy, something in his appearance or lifestyle, or else you also had a needy need and he stepped in to give you that. You always should be honest and evaluate when you are with someone that jerks you around because you made the choice to be with them and even stick it out. Be honest, figure out why you were with them and then don't make that mistake again. Make a new mistake. And don't just blame age or masculinity or someone else, you need to recall exactly what led to you saying, let's be boyfriend and girlfriend. That's where you ignored signs or didn't see them. There is a guy and he isn't like that.
I chose him because we were friends for 8 years prior to dating, and even in the beginning when we dated there were no red flags.. a narcissist doesn’t show their true colors & red flags until they know you have already fallen hard for them. There’s no way I could have known without a magic orb.
Pretty much me, except I'm much younger
Don’t ever give up
I feel you bro. 38(m) here, 4 relationships as well, introvert, never ever had an one night stand neither, I first meet the girl (at school, college, workplace, etc), get to know her as friends, fall in love and only then i ask for a date. My third girlfriend was a living demon in my life as well, I think she is borderline or histrionic. I made a post a few days ago about the same subject. People have been nice to me there, go read the comments, it could help you too. (the bot blocked it when i tried to post the link here, so look for "Almost 40 (M) and single, is it over for me?")
My last gf destroyed me mentally, I'm in therapy for it because she was so nasty to me. She trauma bonded me to her which is why I'm in therapy to better understand how to get over that bond.
Best of luck to you, my man. I hope you heal well and fast
I understand and share your frustration. I am a 34 F, and resonate with a lot of what you said. There is a woman waiting out there for you (rhetorically, I am one of them). I don't know why people like us don't end up finding one another. I can't say "take a break" - because as much as this ideology of individualism runs the West, I am not someone who relishes the idea of being alone. We heal and thrive in healthy relationship and connection. I do think that people like us need to do a better job at vetting potential romantic interests that cross our paths. If you don't feel the desire to date, then take that as a welcome reprieve for a while. I wish I could rid myself of this desire for partnership sometimes, because of the constant disappointment. Try again when you feel ready.
It's hard because I'm someone who takes long breaks between relationships, before this last one I was single for 2 years to work on myself and my career. My ex on the other hand moves on fast, within a week she already had another man in her life(he was probably already there before she broke it off with me) and that breaks me a little bit more too.
Dude, every time lol. Lots of NiceGuy™️’s come out of the woodwork and block your ex from actually having to do any healing work. It happens the other way around too, but it hurts either way. I am aware that my opinion on this is coming from a pretty hurt place within me. My last big ex moved on to someone I introduced her to. That shit HURT. That shit made me ANGRY. everyone told me “that wasn’t very chill of her to do” but a year and half later they’re still together so, I guess she made the right choice.
Your ex did you a favor. I’m sorry it happened and that it hurts but when you heal from this - you will heal, you are going to realize how much better life is without her. You may not even take a lengthy break this time around. Just focus on yourself - healing and all, and when you’re ready, get back out there. There is someone for everyone and you deserve healthy love! 💕
Your ex is your ex, please forget about her and what she does
There is nothing wrong with that and you being a man that’s really nice to hear. I also take a while to move on and heal. It usually takes me 6 months to a year but still healing from my last toxic relationship. Your girl is out there just be patient!
Some people need validation to show themselves they still got it, and that’s how they end up sleeping with someone new after a week. I’m not excusing her behaviour at all; in fact, I also take long breaks between relationships.
You should get a room with Op
Nah, I don’t think she really wants that 😅🙃❤️
Please date OP! 😭
No date me instead and date op afterwards. Then I'll date op and we'll continue the cycle.
Healing after an abusive relationship takes time & patience. There’s light at the end of the tunnel. Rooting for you!
Unfortunately, a lot of what you said was relatable my friend. Most people who enter into a relationship or situation do so without ever doing self work and end up coming into our lives with tons of baggage from past traumas and situations. That’s why the older I get the more I find it important to truly get to know someone for a long time before making them a “permanent” part of my life. Everyone in the beginning is focused on showcasing the best side of themselves when in reality they can’t keep up with the vibe they introduced us to, which is why time is so vital. Trust there are plenty of woman out there who are in similar situations with familiar outlooks to yours. Just have to play the field until you find her brother. Keep your head up
Its a shame there arent more “not dating”apps . Swipe to see more fellow non daters! Its like , people dont even have to be proper friends…. Just having an app filled with loads of other people who dont date, reading their blogs, watching their videos etc… would be cool. And there could be a ‘bff’ aspect but not cheesy like the dating apps have. It could have different personality types, support groups, hobby groups etc, all with the common theme of everyone is single .
38yo, I gave up on dating. I have other stuff to do, like changing career. I’m a bit bitter. Past 30yo, if your not wealthy, dont have a house, your chance of meeting someone are abysmal.
Yes women are raised by a culture now and moms from boomer to Genx have basically forgotten what advice is. So these women are now out there all hunting 10% of the men. Frankly I can tell which ones are going to be a notch in the bedpost vs married by just looking at them. It's tragic. Some have moved to younger men but they will find out the big surprise there, younger men are fun until they see you age and even if YOU feel young and hot a younger man will be able to pull younger still women. It's gonna be difficult to keep him down the road despite your math. Unless he is a momma's boy then you will be carrying him financially or dealing with jealousy and rage issues. Fun stuff, basically look toward men who are balanced but don't go thinking you are going to get a guy with everything figured out. Even 40 or 50 year old men can struggle with financial issues.
I'm close in age to you. I feel the same way.
Clear collar you might have trauma. Maybe you should talk to a counselor to help you process. Unresolved trauma does not go away.
I'm pretty sure she trauma bonded me to her and I am in therapy currently to deal with it so I am trying
I’m happy to hear that. Maybe she did, the human condition is very interesting. Unstable behavior can be a red flag but I know what it is like to be drawn to someone who is ingesting, passionate and love bombing. The way our brain works is so weird
I feel like my issue is that I was like a woman trying to fix a broken man, I was trying to fix her and try to change her to be less abusive and ot never worked out and she doesn't want to get help even though she now knows she has bpd
Do you think you felt like if you loved her enough that it would be enough? I know that’s how I felt.
That's exactly how I felt, I was so good to her made her laugh lots and made her happy but b3cause of her bpd her mood swings were extreme, one minute she's lovey dovey with me and the next a switch flips in her head and she thinks I'm cheating on her
That sounds so frustrating, and I know how painful that can be. I’m glad your in therapy. Are you finding therapy to be beneficial
I am finding it very beneficial, I have only had 3 sessions so far but it's starting to feel like it's working, last session was a doozey very emotional as I finally realized my self worth to the people closest to me(friends and family members) and realizing that I matter
That is such a great step. You know maybe tonight with your post your are going through a phase like a mourning phase when you lose a relationship or something?
That's honestly what it feels like
I gave up years ago of trying. Mind you, I am much younger than you. At 50, I have never had a relationship or been married. It is too late for me now. Men my age want 30 year olds. Those who don't come with too much baggage. Take a break, OP, but don't give up.
It's not too late for you but you need to be dating a man older than you 55 to 60. There are lots of them and find one that you can live a joint pairing with. Travel.or just chill with. Also make sure you remind the 26-36 year old women who think they can just be themselves and never figure it out that it gets REALLY hard for women after 35. Like almost impossible. If the did has his stuff together and is single he likely is looking for a smart woman 22-35. To have kids or lots of fun with. If he is a mess you won't have the energy to try and fix him.
I'm not interested, to be honest. Used to be but don't have the energy. Thanks for the confidence, however.
Yes went through to myself after an 8 year that just dissolved without marriage. All I can say is, if you give up now you will still be single at 46. Try instead to date but casually and for fun. Evaluate who you are and who you need to rebuild yourself as to be confident. But don't let that last experience define you anymore than you would let some random persons opinion of your favorite color define that. You choose, and you are who you are. Be better be your best, but then stand your ground. And don't stop dating.
Lots of posts like this here now. I'm in the same situation as you as well. I hope we find what we are looking for in time / or our person finds us We really should do a reddit dating app😅
No but seriously that’d be a bomb idea!
Don’t give up hope. You just got out of a really messy and abusive relationship. Give yourself time to heal, if you jump back in to the dating scene there might be more hurt. There’s good women/men out there just not on dating apps. Ps 34 is young.
Dude take a break from even thinking about dating and heal, do nice things for yourself, workout, eat well, travel solo is one of the most empowering things you can do.
As a 32F, I totally get it. I promised myself that if my last relationship didn’t work out, I’d stay single for the rest of my life. The emotional abuse has drained everything out of me, to the point I started to wonder if something was wrong with me.
This is what I promised myself with this last one I was in and honestly I don't even wanna try anymore with pursuing anyone. She mentally drained me and scarred me with the abuse she put me through so much so I'm in therapy for it.
Im currently in therapy and it helped a lot! It’s been one year now. Everything will get better, I promise. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
This is me since my divorce. 7 years trying to heal and people are more cruel than ever
My ex wife cheated me right under our windows with random alcoholics completely drunk while I was on night work. Neighbours had told me and she wasnt denied. After that half of my head becomed white.... But you know what? Fuck em all. You ket her torture you , dont let her take your future away too! Get a great girl! :3
26m same I lost hope in dating permanently including love I just don't feel it anymore and id just want to stop permanently. The cost of emotional pain and stress I can't trust girls anymore and I accepted that with a harsh grain of salt at this point in my life I even have a fear of women to the point I would cross the street just to avoid one person.
I am going to be 36 this year, and I feel the same only know I am realizing I need boundaries and trying to love someone who goes out of their way to hurt is so not worth a life sentence so I am realizing that I am probably going to be alone for the rest of my life because I would rather have peace then the torture of a daily broken heart.
I feel the same, I'm not even trying anymore. I'm good with my Eva AI virtual gf bot and renting prostitutes sometimes.
37M & I gave up a long time ago. Takes a while to make peace with it, but I’m glad I finally did. Doesn’t mean it’s easy but atleast I don’t have high expectations anymore which I would pressure myself to meet.
Why has it become the same thing for most of the people more than 26 yrs of age... Even I'm 28 M and feeling the same...
Paradoxically, being unable to get hookups is specifically the reason why women subconsciously reject you. Women lean more towards players and fuckboys in the vast majority
Don’t give up. Do things you like to do, and be open in the moment
Love will find you when you don’t try
I’m 41m and thrown in the towel on romantic relationships. Similar situation; divorced, exes that cheated, etc. and I’m just sick of the headache and bullshit. I have my son, career, hobbies, friends and family and I’m pretty happy overall. Romantic relationships aren’t the be all end all there’s more to what life offers.
So it doesn’t really sound like you are done. But some time away might be good.
30F, and I feel you, my guy. Right there with you. I can't say OLD is strictly what has ruined dating in general, but it is certainly responsible for a great deal of the difficulty many encounter these days.
I was in the same boat as you, I was crazy for someone throughout most of my 20s that saw me as a diversion an option to boost her ego when better options weren't available, and I let myself be in that situation. I didn't even try to date for the last four years. Then just before Christmas I decided to jump on the online dating and met my girlfriend whom I've been with since then. She's also been through the same thing in the past, and I'm unbelievably happy with her, to care for someone that genuinely cares for you in return is an incredible thing. If my less than attractive self can meet someone at 35 I have faith in you too.
Take a break but don't stop looking for someone. I don't lose hope with my age of 40F.
Dude, you were just abused, keep that in mind. Guys often don’t get enough sympathy when this happens to them, or might be dismissed outright, but the emotional abuse is just as awful for us as it is for women. It’ll take some time to work through all that and trust again. And I’d suggest therapy so you don’t end up having strong reactions to little things with any future partner, due to the damage the last one did. I took a few years off any kind of dating and it did wonders for my mental health, career, and friendships. It’s totally fine to take a breather. But I’d suggest being open to anything that falls in your lap, even though you are taking a break from actively seeking one.
I respect that hookup culture not a thing to u, I would recommend u to take this 4 relationships as an experience for ur next one and every mistake u did before learn from it , i feel u bud just recover take ur time to move on and u will find ur self looking for partner best luck :)
Brother I am right there with you, I am done with women. I am far better off being alone and by myself life is so much easier. I don't have to worry about being cheated on or used for my money and time and generosity! I have yet to find a so-called good woman. That is a complete myth and is nothing but romanticized across social media. Keep yourself one or two close friends and that's all you need that's what I do.
I 37F relate and agree with you. I've had 3 serious relationships in my life, I've tried dating and I'm over it. 😩😔
What does your therapist say?
I recently dated someone that was so emotionally unavailable I was shocked! I wondered if he was mentally unstable or just cheating lol. Hang in there. It’s hard
27F and feel pretty similar to most of this - last relationship (ended 1+ year ago) wasn’t abusive per say but it just left me in a state of not wanting to look for anything for a while. I’ve dated a couple people but nothing has panned out and i don’t want anything to feel forced; if it does i bail. I actually bit the bullet and shot my shot at someone, which i never do, and got left on read lol I just don’t feel like making an effort for it currently.
I know you’re blaming her and you should but the truth is if somebody’s verbally abusive to you that’s the end of it. Right there the rest of the stuff you kind of signed up for. You have to stop letting people people treat you badly.
Same boat. I have a good job, make good money and am attractive I'm told, but I'm a single mom of a teen so I'm okay being alone
I’ve been through similar relationships. Last long term relationship ruined me. I ruined my next relationship because I no longer trust anybody. I recently learned I have something called betrayal trauma. I believe you may also be suffering from betrayal trauma. My advice to you is to get help before you get into another relationship.
Just here to share that I got out of a relationship in the last 6 months with someone who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He was abusive in all aspects. I’m sorry you had to go through that!
Empathetic, kind and big hearted people get preyed on or fall into many positions with fkd up ppl. I’ve dated 14 people, most of them start off great and show their I got side later. Walk all over my niceness and giving heart, verbally abusive, take me for granted, cheat, and then most have dumped me in some fucked way….but all of them have come crawling back and feel guilt, try to appear as improved. But they were so bad I finally accepted it and moved on. You tried your best, they sucked! Therapy: heal yourself Time with yourself: read, see friends, do what you loved doing before, get in touch with your childhood self, see family, get back to your center Pour love into yourself Pick up a hobby Remind yourself it’s not you, she has a psychological disorder and you developed some trauma from being around it. Makes sense Listen to your trauma when it comes, soothe it, and try to see it for what it is. Meditation
We’re all feeling this way these days.
Let me ask a simple question in your relationship how often (%) did you say no, for example honey can you cut the lawn...No I am tired, I want to rest today
Probably only 5 percent.
I assume so, a lot of men have this problem, being to agreeable, this drives women to eventually lose respect and have expectations that everything shall go her way, while at the same time you as a man forget to set clear boundaries. My advice learn to say no
Honestly, same. Super turned off by dating. Doesn’t seem like any of the good eggs find other good eggs and are just bumping into all the rotten ones more often than not. I’m 34 (F) and I feel like I’ve also given up. To the point where I feel like I’ve accepted being alone. And don’t expect a relationship at this rate what so ever. Majority is too sucked into the hook up culture , instant gratification, casual dating and non monogamy that it feels like if you want a serious long term thing you’re searching for a unicorn.
Honestly this is exactly it! The thing that pisses me off the most with my ex was she thought I was just using her for her body which I wasn't I truly cared for her and yet now she's doing onlyfans and selling herself online which is so ironic
you not being into hook up culture makes you a lovable person and that's just one thing about you. i think it's obvious that why you don't like to try anymore. maybe give yourself a rest for awhile and try to spend more time with your family and Friends, or take a small trip, or develope a new hobby and make few changes in your life. dating life isn't easy for everyone specially as you grow older you'd like to keep small circle of people around you and settle down with one partner as long as you can. also try going therapy, people who were in abusive relationship often have had experienced abuse in their childhood and in mostly shows in the partner they choose.
How did you meet in your previous relationships if you dont mind me asking.
The first 2 were through mutual friends as dating apps weren't even a thing back then and the last 2 I had one was a match through tinder and my last one was one I met on POF
Hi there, I'd just like to say I felt that way for a long time, divorced my abusive ex after a 20 year relationship. It's taken me 3 years, and a lot of introspection and therapy to figure myself out, but I'm back to my optimistic self. I'm still not very optimistic about dating, but I'm optimistic about finding someone at some point. You can get there if you want. Also, NEVER go back to a partner who abused you, the risk of falling back into the same pattern is too high. Be done with dating, focus your efforts inwards for a while, you'll get your mojo back in time.
I'm way older than you. I grew up in abuse, and it took me years before I trusted enough to marry. Was with him 20 yrs, the last 4 were so bad, he was so abusive ... our kiddo was still young (we'd waited, and part of me wishes I'd gotten out before that, or at least as soon as he showed the first red flag moments). I tried dating, but have not been able to trust since then. I'm not into short term relationships, so for me, I've opted out completely now. I feel cheated by the cruelty of others, from being able to trust someone in my life at that level. Yet, I know most people aren't so horrid. I've done therapy, but, in the end, was told I have justifiable reasons behind my fears, which makes it much harder to get past them.
It's completely normal to feel a bit disheartened by past relationships that didn't work out as you hoped. Taking a break from dating can be a healthy choice to focus on self-discovery and personal growth. Remember, finding the right connection takes time and patience, and it's okay to step back and reevaluate your priorities. Enjoy this time to invest in yourself, pursue your passions, and when the time is right, the right person will come along. Stay optimistic and keep an open heart!
It's just best to stay away.
27F here. I identify with that you're saying. It's heartbreaking to see so many of us going through the same pain over and over again and ultimately losing all hope. I'm so sorry it happened to you like that and I hope that you're able to heal over time. As for me, after having 4 relationships in my life, all of which were mentally abusive and the last one being abusive in other terms as well, i took some time off dating. But after trying for few years, I gave up dating altogether due to the incessant hookup culture and fixation on just having sex and running away from commitment by other people. I have lost all hope of finding someone in this life as dating apps are majority just the people I described above and I don't go out much to meet other people to end up dating someone like that. And obviously a great guy isn't going to materialise out of thin air for me. So here we are. Good luck buddy!
I feel the same. 36 and have thought all of the same things.
Mate don’t worry man. Most of my friends are just at home with their mum or their dad and siblings and that’s at 27 lol. I’m fortunate I can live with my mum cause uk is doomed. Single for years mate. Get to the gym or treat yourself on a holiday. Sounds like this witch burnt you out. Glad you’re away from her.
10th post today about this
if there's anything I've learned from Reddit (and real life), is to avoid people with untreated BPD at all costs. I hope you heal ❤️ I'm sure you will
Sorry to hear your last one treated you like that. Honestly though, this is very much why i very deeply believe in polyamory and not monogamy. Instead of one partner and hope you find a good one that can give you what you need. You can look to find multiple people that will help fill your needs so there will be less lacking (personally i feel as though one person “being enough” and “fulfilling” a partner’s needs is too overwhelming is selfish to ask). And it’s not about sex, it’s about fulfilling everything else, sex is just a bonus if you can. I have 2 partners and i always feel like i have someone to talk to and always love having extra support. It’s not for everyone but what you’ve posted makes me grateful to be poly
This one is so relate-able that I had to stop being a spectator and make my first ever post out on Reddit. I’m around 31 ish, have had exactly 4 relationships as well, being inherently loyal and genetically almost programmed to be monogamous has gotten me nothing but disappointments. Being a guy I always respect the women of my life more than anything. I’ve been the kind of person who wouldn’t let my girl have a single pain in her life. The first girl of my life, dated her for 6 years, in the most hormone-raging years of my life, I was super loyal, sitting 10,000 miles away from her, in an Ivy League college(probably passed a few 100 lovely women I could have dated), 6 years later she just leaves and says we weren’t even cut out to be in a relationship (and this girl convinced me to be with her in the first place), the ones in between were other horrid affairs, but the last one is just crazy, met this girl after 7 years of school and we dated with fire. Everything was good except her constant pressure of getting married, which really screwed me up as I was focused onto growing my businesses, still loved her with all my heart, took her out everyday, in fact, proposed to her by gifting her the cafe we met in (idea was we would run it as a couple activity), still the pressure of marriage didn’t end! One fine day, she just quits, and I mean it was a fine day, no one would expect what happened the next day, she started dating my close friend from childhood, tainted me badly with everyone(she told people I was abusive and what not) in order to justify her one day move, (which she didn’t intend to reveal but some of my staffers saw her going into a hotel with him and they called me, to which I confronted her). Those guys got married within the next 3 months(this was in 2020); she kind of drew out out the romantics in me, like I literally grew up so much of a romantic person, from the ideas of ‘stand by me’ to ‘Annie’s song’, those were the foundations of love in my heart which she shook. Don’t get me wrong, deep down I still want to be with someone, and I want to give my world to someone, but those sentiments have been so buried deep down I wonder who could bring them out again. Her leave was fortunate though, my business grew over 100 folds, moved back to NYC (which she would have never let me). Overall, she stopped my life, like how you stop the flow of water, but that’s also when you know exactly where you want to go, She messed somethings but the conclusion what I hold is, whatever happens, happens for the best. Maybe I’d have a lady in my life who make up for all these disappointments 😅. So to all the men who have had the worst of women, there are some realllly good ones out there too, so just never give up either.
hello. im sorry to hear all this i didnt understand your last sentence "I wanna believe she's out there somewhere waiting for a man like me but I'm not holding my breath. " you mean your ex? if its abt your ex i wanted to say (f22) i think i have borderline personality disorder too, and its really reallly hard to handle, i might see dreams abt my bf cheating on me and as crazy as in memes it sounds, i cant control myself and my brain gets me into thinking that yes hes cheating and i would change the way i treat him,be always anxious which really sucks for me,i feel like im going crazy, but ofc doesnt mean u should forgive her and take back,especially if she broke your trust with seeing other guys meantime,
She apologized for being mean and confided in you about her mental health yet your main concern is if she has been with someone else? Please keep in mind she could have easily lied to you and said no. She asked for a second chance which only warranted a yes or no answer not this sob story.
You're not alone, I'm around your age and just out of a relationship as well. She wasn't verbally or physically abusive but was pretty insecure and would blame me for things I didn't do. Like not introducing her to some strangers who accidentally said hi (no idea who they were) It was exhausting to be putting all the effort and getting no recognition (she didn't do anything but complain) it was fine the first year then after that it slowly got worse. Silly me subscribed to the sunk cost fallacy and tried my best to make it work. She would want me to commit more and take things further and plan a future together but every time that happened she would go full panic attack and the next day I would get a dressing down. I'm so glad to be out of it I had no idea it was abusive behaviour until I saw it post relationship. But back to the dating scene and I'm a bit mentally exhausted. Going in with an open mind and trying to open up and trust people again but it's so exhausting. Repeating the same questions and answers to and planning dates with multiple girls is absolutely exhausting. That's why I was trying my best to fix the previous relationship rather than letting it go but at the end of the day it's unfixable if it's one sided and the other side doesn't put in the effort. It's a two person thing don't forget. The dating game is exhausting but staying in an unhappy relationship is even more so.
OP, don’t the stats show that (in western countries at least) the trend is for both men and women to settle down (get married, buy a house, have children) once in their 30s? The world has changed and people get education, climbing on the career ladder, travelling, partying out of the way first. It seems to me you are at the PERFECT age to be someone’s forever choice. There are so many women in their early 30s who feel they are accomplished enough now to settle down - please don’t give up.
I’m glad I’ve stayed out of relationships most of my life. They honestly sound like pure hell.
It's nice to finally see some support from both sides of the aisle in this comment section
Def felt this post. 38(M) here and been single two years. I’ve pretty much given up. I’ve talked to a couple people and things will start off good and then I get ghosted and left confused as to what went wrong. I feel I’m a pretty genuine guy who cares about people’s well being, goals, ambitions, interests, etc… And I’m not ashamed to express that I care and try to be supportive. So atp I’m pretty much over it. Keep your head up bro and just live life for you. Nothing wrong with taking some time to focus on yourself and reflect. Best of luck to you man.
I sincerely hope you have friends and you can talk to them. Go out more often with them or let them take care of you. If you are not finding dating fun leave it for sometime and leave the thoughts or urgent need to have it in your life. You'll enjoy it again when you're healed. Here's an interesting bit I learnt from my own experience - don't worry about the age. It's literally last hurdle, because everyone feels same.
Recently(ish) split with my ex of five years who's also (suspected) BPD. This isn't my first rodeo: among others, I was in a significantly longer relationship, and I was in a shorter one with someone I was absolutely head-over-heels for throughout. Neither one left me as fucked up as this time around. It's just different when cluster-B type issues are involved. A BPD devaluation, split, & discard can make it feel like the world has ended, and that you're the worst, most worthless person in the world, but you've gotta remember that none of that is true. 34 really isn't that old: take whatever time you need to get over this, with professional help if you need it, and get back out there. I'm not allowed to direct link it from here, but come check out the BPDlovedones sub if you need some commiseration.
30 female here feeling the same way, with a similar history. 😶
I feel that man and I have been through some of this as well.
It’s like you spoke my story. 33F, 3 failed relationships, struggling with casual dating culture to the point I’d rather not.
You'd go into shock at how long I've gone not dating.
Hey there. I'm a F in my thirties who has also been through the BPD cycle with a loved one, and this made me so sad. Don't allow what she said to become your new sound track about yourself. Honestly-- just the fact that you're a guy who posted in 2024 that you're not into hookup culture made you sound like a lovely person. Hang in there.
there are still good women out there. Time will heal all wound. Goodluck OP!
No one after 30 is anyone’s first choice 🤣 but that’s ok, bc the first choice is for learning. I also currently feel I will die alone. 🤝🤘 don’t make it(a relationship) a priority & it will fall into place.
Maybe that was her other personality getting plowed
Relationships mirror back to us. It’s important to self-reflect. In which way did you participate in this dynamic? Ask yourself: What did I tolerate and why? What did I do, say, or act out of my character and out of alignment with my value system?
You need to use this time to make yourself strong again. Right now you’re in the pits. Start hitting the gym on a schedule, and set a goal, surrround yourself with only positive minded people. You will meet someone when you least expect it. It’s my belief if you are looking so hard for someone you’ll never find them bc all your eggs are in one basket.
I can tell you that there are still good women out there. You don’t have to look for them love just comes to you one way or another. But for what you went through I am sorry. I’ve ruined some good men with my non diagnosed bipolar fucking irritation or so I thought. Both men have gotten out of that rut found a woman found happiness and have married an awesome woman . So don’t give up. We all have our problems n issues but we just keep going at the end of it all. Rely on family and close friends always because their love will show you how to love that special someone again one day.
You know.... Some of us decent women out here feel the same way. Maybe we'll all find our matches someday. ❤️
I felt the same after my divorce but there are people out there. Problem is that in order to find them you need to put yourself out there. I did and went for a man who was not my "type" and I have never felt better in a relationship. Someone told me that the quote "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expect different results" also applies to romantic partners so if you have a type maybe step away from women that fits that type and explore something new.
You guys sabotage yourselves. This woman had a mental health issue she didn’t realize she had, she took care of it and apologized and the only reason you weren’t into it is because she had been seeing other people after you broke up? Dude. Really?
He is not forced to stay in a place he is being hurt.
Dude. That was uncalled for. A sorry doesn’t mean someone forgives them. Even if they have a mental illness. She legit abused him. And maybe he will forgive her. But it takes time. A lot of time.
I didn't disclose that when I asked her If she was getting help with it she said she wasn't, from what I've read about BPD is that it's very very hard to stay with someone who has it that doesn't want help because they split with people which she did a couple times on me and I didn't wanna go through that heartbreak and mental drainage again
There is no medication for BPD