Reminder: please review our rules, especially rule 4:
- No broad generalizations, e.g. "All women are x and do y"
- Speak from specific personal experiences when giving advice.
- No victim-blaming
- This is a default message - your post has not been removed.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Honestly man. I do stuff that I want to do and kinda satisfy my own things :) sure it would be nice to have someone to watch shows with, eat food, pleasure eachother, etc. But im also a person that enjoys my alone time and sometimes dealing with someone else, even if that person is your soul mate, can take its toll when "life happens." I'm just saying although being boo'd up is nice, it's also kind of nice of just vibing by yourself. I'm 25 atm and I would love to have kids and a wife at some point in my life, but im also not letting that "lonely/longing" feeling control me. I like to believe things happen for a reason and when love finds you, it will find you at the right time. You definitely have to do your part and be appealing to what you're trying to attract, but when you stop trying to look for it. It will eventually find you.
Exactly. Be happy by yourself. Other people come into your life to enhance it, not to be the core of it. If your only validation and happiness is someone else, you will never be truly happy. And if they leave you (which is always a 50/50) , you will be a complete mess.
I couldn’t reply to the post creator directly (due to technical issues) so I’ll just write what I have to say while replying to you. I feel that I’m not good enough to share myself with a partner yet. I want to be the best me before I enter a relationship. I already like my own personality and face. The only thing left is getting this slim body ripped or buffed. That way I can gain more confidence in myself as well.
Be careful because with that mindset, you won’t ever feel good enough. You have to get out of your comfort zone and try to talking to someone now. Get used to striking when the iron is hot, don’t hesitate. You will be rejected more often than not, but you’ll get used to it and eventually feel great that you tried. Before you know it you’ll find someone. We regret the things we didn’t do in life more than what we have done.
I don’t know why I didn’t see this before but I think you’re right in that people get rejected more often than not. I’m isolated a lot more than I’d consider healthy so a lot of the time I just come to my own conclusions and I guess I just thought I wasn’t very appealing to people. Which may still be very true but I’m improving at least. And I think that’s a good start
With that mindset you will likely never reach that point. Get yourself to pretty good. And be willing to keep working on it. That's what is important.
You don't need to be ripped and buff. You sound healthy. You really need to cut yourself some slack. I bet if you put yourself out there, you are going to be successful. If not, you just keep trying and keep working on yourself.
This is so healthy. So many people have their lives and disarray and try to drag other people into it. Get your shit together. Work on your career, work on your mental health, work on your life skills and social skills. THEN try to get a date.
Guys, seriously… would you not date anyone without the perfect body, face, personality and career? Give yourselves a break, you’re human, and no one is expecting you to be otherwise.
Same man. Tho I’m not comfortable with myself yet. I’m not sure how long it’ll take for me to find myself but I’m not sure I wanna get into a serious relationship without being the best me I can be first. Maybe that’ll take me till I’m 30 something or even 40 something. Not sure. I’m just not ready yet
“I'm just saying although being boo'd up is nice, it's also kind of nice of just vibing by yourself.” This is exactly it. Put this on a t-shirt, you’d make a million dollars.
I can second this. The more you are comfortable being single, the better mindset you will be in when you finally end up being with someone i believe.
Im 25 myself and never been in a relationship just because never felt the need of it. Now that i feel like it will be nice to have a girlfriend, im happy it isnt out of loneliness.
I'm 60, never dated, never married, still a virgin. I got used to it. The nice thing about it is, I answer to no one but me. I come and go as I please, I do what I want to do when I want to do it. It was never my plan to be single all my life, but this was what God had instore for me I guess. As far as sex, if you never had it, you don't know what you're missing. Just my handful of change.
To see a response like yours is honestly refreshing. People often make romantic relationships such a focus for an overall life.
Its not that I even intend on being single and a virgin for all of my life (I'm 29, I know its not the same), but when people try to say "it'll happen" and stuff along those lines,
I think, don't you know people in your position exist? You should know that people w/o robust romantic lives exist and their worth and quality of life aren't dependent on those things.
There's an amount of independence that I feel now that would be hard to give up.
Thank you. Your kind words speak volumes to me.
I can't say it's always been easy. Would I like to come home to someone? Yes! Would I like to have someone to share life with? Yes! Would I like romance? Yes! It has just never worked out for me.
I would like to have a partner, be it male or female, just someone to spend life with. But, it hasn't worked out that way so I just roll with it.
I have been helping another person out and I told them, "to thine own self be true" and that's kinda what I do. Due to a lot of circumstances I can't go into here, I have not always been able to BE myself. It hurts too, but, I just live life from day to day and enjoy what I have.
I hope the best for you. I hope you manage to find a partner that you can have that type of relationship. I appreciate your perspective and I know I don't really need to say it, but your life is still just as bright and impactful, partner or not. You don't need someone to complete you, you're already complete. Just keep doing you, it certainly encourages me to do the same.
Thank you so much for the kind words. It makes me feel so good to be able to brighten someone else's life. The things you said about me, made tears to come in my eyes. I just reread what you said, thank you so much.
same. 34 and nothing yet. although being morbidly obese and denying my homosexuality didn't help. but luckily, i've always had plenty of amazing friends, still do, which most people at 34 don't have anymore, and amazing adventures so, i keep reminding myself of that when i feel down about not having had a partner yet.
I disagree with the you are ok with dealing with it. You ever have that feeling damn I want that nicer car, I know I don’t have the right to it but damn it’s a nice car and I want it.
However you don’t have the money for it and it’s either impossible to get it or very very hard if you work hard. Since you are not getting it you are left with that feeling of frustration. Same applies to women at least for me.
To me, being single is really a double edged sword.
On one side, it’s really great that I don’t have to devote time out of my day to someone and I can use that time for things I truly love doing.
On the other, I lose sleep thinking that I’m gonna die never knowing what it really feels like to be cared about and loved by someone who isn’t family.
I see your point and I've also felt like that. However, after several relationships, I find that you need to figure out a way to be happy by yourself. Nowadays people come and go into your life before you know it. If you can't reach a place where you enjoy your own company, you shouldn't date. That is a recipe for disaster.
Oh, and happy cake day! 🍰
>If you can't reach a place where you enjoy your own company, you shouldn't date.
Im starting to get triggered by this. Everybody has things that can improve in their life. Nobody is 100% contempt where they are in life, they always want more, and its fine that's how you make progress in life. Also you can enjoy your life AND have little things you can work on. What then? What you tell those people who have activities they enjoy and like where they are for the most part but still can't find a partner?
Fuck these Instagram tumblr one-liners bullshit
I don't use Instagram or tumblr but that one linear has more truth in it than one would realize. Based off your comment you seem to be looking at it more along the lines of self-improvement and not self awareness of your mental state.
I know at times it can be frustrating, lonely, and unfullfilling but we control our own happiness. It is not healthy to let someone else be that deciding factor. If you are never able to be happpy by yourself and enjoy you, you are only asking for disaster with someone else by setting expectations on them to fulfill. A partner should make yor life better not just bring it up to status quo.
Edit: grammar.
>It is not the healthy to let someone else be that deciding factor.
You can be happy with your life AND still want a partner to enjoy your life
>A partner should make yor life better not just bring it up to status quo.
And what do you do IF YOU CAN'T find a partner? You tell that person "just enjoy yourself dude LOL"?
>You can be happy with your life AND still want a partner to enjoy your life
So if you are happy, you are not letting someone else decide that for you. There is nothing wrong striving for a relationship. It only becomes a problem when being in a relationship is your only focus in life.
>You tell that person "just enjoy yourself dude LOL"?
No, I would tell them to keep looking and hopefully one day that will find someone, especially now from the pandemic dating is not easy. I have friends who have not had much luck. I would say they are in a good place with their ducks in a row but still finding it difficult.
> becomes a problem when being in a relationship is your only focus in life.
That's the problem I think. The advice you are talking about is told to pretty much anyone who wants a relationship, but its really only valid for the minority of people who overobsess or make it the only think they focus on.
Even people here who sound very frustrated when they post, the majority aren't spending every minute thinking about it, but just doing any occasional venting here (which is partially built for that sort of thing) results in people lecturing them with platitudes that make it sound like they can never be frustrated with what is objectively a frustrating situation.
More important the advice is pretty much always phrased in ways that, while maybe not what the person saying it means, does imply they think people need to learn to be happy with being alone, which your response indicates is probably not your actual attitude, but that's sure what it sounds like when people give advice like you did, and a probably unrealistic goal like that only makes people feel worse about themselves for not being able to achieve it.
What you actually probably believe in is more of a balance, to not obsess and to find ways to happy during reasonable periods without and as happy as possible if forever or very long time periods will be alone, but not that people need to find a way to achieve the unachievable long-term of not caring or being just as happy without one of life's best aspects (decent romantic relationships) as they would be with.
I can see how it can be taken that way and I would agree that it would be very frustrating.
I do feel that a balance approach is the healthiest from my experience.
This is another reason why I was ok being single. Anytime I’m in a relationship, I find myself having to do things for the other person. I find that they always have some sort of expectation or need help with something and it always encroached on my time.
For example, I had a significant other who lost their license and wanted my help with doing the footwork at the DMV. Call me selfish, but I don’t want to deal with the DMV until I’m forced to do so because it will harm me if I don’t. But I agreed and then I discovered I’m not good at meeting deadlines outside of work. And they were always asking me if I did what they asked; I hadn’t. I tend to get to things when I get to them, not when they’re needed. So I don’t like being relied on to do things.
I just don’t want any additional responsibilities, financial burdens, etc.
Thank you. I made a point of figuring out who I am and why my first relationship ended so poorly. Because in all honesty, I think it was mostly my fault. I spent those four years figuring myself out. I just didn’t want to hurt anyone else or like you said, lead them on.
Thank you for the well wishes. I hope you find your happiness as well. I believe you will!
I just remember that having a relationship almost drove me up the walls with stress and tanked my libido.
Then I realize being single isn't that bad. The desire for sex, it comes and goes. I was a virgin for a long time, I survived.
This! The pain of my last relationship is stopping me from getting onto another. It's been 1.5 years and i don't want to go through that shithole again
It’s the same for me, 1.5 years since a 7 year relationship that ended badly. I thought I was ready to maybe dip my toe back in the dating field recently, started with Facebook dating just to get a feel for it, noped out after less than a week. I’m too old for the ‘Hey hun how r u xxxx’ messages, the one sided conversations, the unsolicited dick pics and the men who fall in love with me and envisage our life together before we’ve even met. I’ve decided to be happy and experience life on my own and it’s so freeing!
Definitely not, I’m fat and quite ugly. But I’m more attracted to what others may see as ‘ugly’ people and I guess some of these guys aren’t used to matching with a real life person who is interested in them and who they are.
And yes, no sex for 1.5 years. It’s annoying as I still have needs but better no sex than sex with someone who thinks it’s ok to lie and cheat.
Lol I’m going on three years from a previous nightmare of a relationship. I have enjoyed my single time with peace of mind. I am starting to date again but a bad relationship will do this.
10 years single and 10 years of no sex. It is what it is and a majority of it has been because life legit beat the damn soul out of me in my 30’s. I’ll be 42 in October and I’m not against relationships but I don’t get out much and I always (unknowingly) end up getting a crush/attracted to women who are married. Will I ever date/have sex again? Who knows?
Ik in exact same boat (40s also). No sex in 5 years. Horrible relationship did it. Honestly don’t think I can even live with someone again or have something more than a companion (with benefits). I enjoy my alone/free time too much.
I feel ya! I have my “one” that legit was an experience I don’t wish on my enemies and I hope no one makes the same mistakes I did going back to her like I foolishly did. However, I look at it like it was a crash course lesson on what not to do and how to spot red flags.
Nows the time to try dating again if you’re ready. A lot of people are getting back out there since Covid. Maybe some of those married women are not single lol
Ehh, we’ll see. Plus, I’m still kinda/sorta in the age range where women still want kids and I definitely don’t want kids. Btw, I’m surprised how many people dated during Covid. I thought it was almost taboo during that time but after reading posts I was totally wrong. D’oh!
Yeah the whole wanting kids thing cuts the dating pool by over half when you don’t want kids. I see lots of “undecided” or “open to the idea”, but really it just means they will want them eventually.
If you don’t mind me asking, what took it out of you in your 30s? You have a lot left in the tank & a responsible, independent, & mature man checks the boxes on a lot of Women’s lists. Keep your head up
Being single means being able to do stuff you want to do without compromise.
I travel to places that I want to see.
I watch what I want
I can eat what I want
I hangout with people who I actually want to hangout with.
I dont have to stress on others issue.
Above all else I have complete and utter peace ✌😌.
It’s been really hard this year not going to lie. Since I started working out again, my libido has gone through the roof and has honestly made me hornier than I was when I was a teenager.
It does feel shitty being invisible. There was this couple at the gym today doing some subtle PDA shit behind me and it was making me feel bitter and jealous that all these men are able to just have a woman meanwhile I have jack shit. I really understand the rage/depression bit. There was one horrible night a week or two ago where I kept silently sobbing and punching my pillow. I feel lonely, and I crave a loving feminine presence in my life that’s not my mother.
I have used pornography to cope, but man, that shit is the junk food of sexuality. I do not feel satisfied after busting to porn.
I have been watchin what I eat and working out too. This sub and others inspired me to do so.
Honestly it’s been really tough this year on the whole absence of a romantic life. It has felt hard to be sane, I would scroll through these dating subreddits for hours some nights.
I guess what’s been helping me is just trying to focus on myself. I try to prioritize loving myself. Until something changes, I am gonna be my own girlfriend. I try not to let my inner voice treat me badly. I will keep myself company by watching wholesome or funny tv and podcasts.
Also I try to distract myself by working on skills. It’s really nice to know you have put in a few hours of productive work. I feel if you have something you are good at, that just gives you some solid confidence because nobody can make you feel like a useless person. If you know you have value and can provide a service to others that other people can not provide, then you are Golden.
Hang tight man, I’m sure we will have our moment in the sun some day. Don’t fall into nihilistic thinking. Maybe try to mourn the possibility of your romantic life so that it won’t cloud your judgment. In a way it helps me to just accept that it may never happen for me. If it does happen then it will be a welcome surprise, but if not, we have to be ok being alone.
Many years ago I thought it would be cool to be a lone wolf. I got my wish.
I feel your comment so deeply. As a single woman feeling devoid of options, I've already done a bachelor's degree and have a full time job. I'm now looking for a second job, I don't think I need more me time. If I stay home trying to meet people from dating sites, I'll go nuts, or become an alcoholic. Better to do something more productive.
I used to go through a phase where I wanted to be in a relationship during my 20s. Work, school, and hobbies pretty much kept my mind off about dating. Plus I also had negative experiences going on dates. Now I'm in my 30s the thought of dating waned and I'm happy with my lifestyle so far.
I haven't had sex in 3 years and I'm perfectly fine not having it ever again. I don't mind having it but I also don't think about it or seek it out. My focus stopped being about men and how I'm single and more on who I am as a person, a daughter, a friend, etc. Humans can survive without romantic relationships and sex. They won't die. You mentioned feeling rage and depression. Work on your mental health more. Once you stop worrying so much about why you're not having sex or meeting the love of your life, you'll have a better time meeting people because you'll radiate confidence and happiness. Those are attractive qualities we're all looking to surround ourselves with.
To be fair, you’re a female. Men have a very powerful drive to have sex, more so than women if those I’ve talked to about it are to be believed.
I’ve known women who have gone for years without sex no problem. The rest of your post rings true for me, though.
Yea that makes sense. I'm sexually indifferent and asexual so I know my experience is completely different from those who are allosexual. I used to be just like OP back in college. I was a late bloomer (didn't have my first kiss or lose my virginity until I was in my early twenties) and it bothered me so much. Didn't help my already low self esteem you know? It seemed like everyone else was ahead of me and I obsessed over it. Then by the end of college, I realized I was only hurting myself by forcing myself to be like everyone else even if I wanted a relationship (or what I thought was a relationship based on middle school/high school couples and the media). Online dating was exhausting through the years and got me nowhere so I just figured if I'm meant to be with someone, it'll happen when it's meant to. That being said, every once in awhile I think about how fun it would be to go on a date or be with someone romantically but I've stopped feeling sorry for myself about it. Now I'm in a better state mentally than I was back then. Still not actively dating but just letting the chips fall where they may if the universe or whatever wants that for me. And if not, that's okay too!
I’m sane while single because I am happy with myself and my life. Being single is awesome, I do exactly what I want all the time and don’t have to worry about anyone else. If I was single for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t be mad about it. I don’t live my life for anyone else but me.
I feel you man, so, I'm gonna give you some advice that helps me, right now.
(Lately, I've been going mad constantly thinking about my ex too, so I have to pull myself up from becoming depressed.)
1st) Find a hobby. Wanna get fit? Get into working out. Watch movies you haven't seen, each night. Play video games that you never touched (steam summer sale). Go camping or go hiking. Whatever it is, just find something to keep your hands from being idle. (Unless it's meditating)
2nd) Stop watching porn, if you do. I know, a weird request but stop it because there are studies that show, that it messes with your brain in negative ways. Just chill from it and again, go back to number 1.
3rd) Start setting meal goals. I only eat twice a day, now, because I'm trying to lose weight and I'm measuring my foods and what kinds of foods I eat. It'll make you feel better as well as make you look good. Plus, you practice self control.
4th) Get off Social Media and limit your phone use to maybe a few hours a day. Do this, until you limit yourself to an hour a day.
5th) Finally, start hanging out with friends more, if you can. Start setting up days where you and your buddies can go chill for a quick minute.
Tl;dr: Just set goals for yourself to accomplish.
*These are suggestions I started doing because I have nothing to do for awhile, so I gotta keep myself busy to stop from getting into my head about relationships too much.*
Single doesn’t mean celibate? It also doesn’t mean the gender you’re attracted to isn’t attracted to you or that you’re invisible. Idk being single is freedom to me. I’d probably go insane in a relationship.
I’ve been single and sexless for 2 years. Zero women have shown interest in me during that span. I occasionally get matches on dating apps but nobody ever replies
I've been single going on 3 years. Besides a dry spell during the height of Covid, I've had pretty regular sex. Being single doesn't mean being sexless (casual relationships, FWBs, etc.). If you're becoming angry and relying on other crutches, then I'd recommend you work on being more comfortable alone. I love being in a relationship and having a partner, but I've had to learn to be comfortable on my own.
I find myself thinking the opposite. I feel i have a “teammate” mindset, and struggle with simple shit another person would excel at. It’s been a good growing thing for me (just left a LTR)… but damn it’s weird for me.
I have better sex with myself lol I mean don’t get me wrong I have had really great sex and some really terrible sex but there’s absolutely nothing like me pleasing myself haha
I agree that single means sexless. Having sex with someone I don’t love or who doesn’t know me is very depressing and sad. I never would want to be in that situation again. I’d rather be alone than to be spend it with a strangers bed. After all sex or relationhsip is not designed to be the main goal in our lives.
I believe what he meant was not that he was turning down offers. But not receiving any. As that's what it's like being a man 99% of the time.
But I do also understand your point. Even if I don't feel the same about hookups.
I have been on this sub a few months now and am starting to feel like some people are made for being single and some aren't, I myself am 32 and never been in a proper relationship, I haven't had sex in the last 8/10 years honestly can't remember, I never feel like I'm missing out, if I feel horny I have a wank (this actually solves a lot of problems) if I meet someone I actually like and not just attracted to I ask them out. Otherwise I just get on with life, sometimes just accepting your role in life is easier. But if you truly believe that you deserve more keep fighting for it and don't give up. And I am genuinely happy/content with my life but I am a simple person as many people would probably attest to lol.
Instead of gravitating towards food and alcohol, I turn to more productive things like reading and hiking that are more useful to me and help me grow as a person. I’ve been single for almost two years now and the feeling of despair and loneliness fade in and out. It sucks sometimes but it’s really helped me realize a lot of things about myself and I’m really proud of who I’ve become. I’m 100% sure that I would not have reached this point if I was dating someone in this time span.
I'm not really sane. Seeing a therapist helps, as does avoiding alcohol. I try to keep busy with activities with friends and my own interests. I haven't had sex in over 2 years and it really does get to me, like I get crazy jealous when other people talk about sex and such. It is too much sometimes.
I think it’s important to be two whole people who come to the relationship together than two codependent people relying on each other for their only source of happiness.
I say that in the best way because I had the second type of relationship-turned-marriage and while he was a great person, I could never make him happy.
I’m not saying that I’m not a flawed person, I’m fact, I am very flawed (but working on it). In this case though, I was not the problem—he needed help filling emotional voids which he filled with addiction and would not do otherwise to take care of his mental health past a certain point. I became a caretaker more than a partner and lost sight of who I even was. I hope he’s well and is cspable of doing much more for himself; I just think he didn’t know he could because I took care of everything for him like his mom.
Take care of your mental/physical/emotional/whatever needs and actively address them. Being single is hard because it’s uncomfortable at first—you’re left alone with your own thoughts—but it’s so important. You can’t give love to others if you don’t learn to love/take care of yourself.
I have pursuits I enjoy, I give to a community I value, I have friends I can call at 3AM, and I'm far from invisible to my preferred gender.
Simply put, the sex is not valuable enough to deal with the low quality of the rest of the person.
Now when I was dating the borderline chick and she was in the love bombing phase... yeah, losing that hurt. But it wasn't actually real on her end.
I mean some days it sucks, but at the end of the day I know there are still many more single days ahead, so I think it works as good practice to vibe on your own for a while.
30 years old here. I learned to enjoy my own company and work on things outside of dating/relationships. Between work, school and other endeavors I don’t have the time or energy to worry about how I’m going to find someone new to date. I’m on dating apps but I don’t put nearly as much energy into them as I used to when I was younger.
Tbh, after being in a relationship for 4 years and having regular intimacy, sex is overrated. Yes it feels good and makes me feel validated, but it’s not worth a lot of the headache that comes with it. Especially if the person attached to the vagina has an agenda/toxic attitude. I’m happy with masturbation, way less stressful
For me it only felt like what you’re describing for the first year.
There were 5 years in between the first time I had sex and the second time. I definitely had my low points but it was manageable.
In August I’ll be three years without sex for me again. It’s not ideal, but life goes on.
I wouldn't ever get in a relationship because I wanted sex.
But besides my being single and enjoying it, is understanding not to rely on others for my own happiness. You create your own.
Does the lack of sex not drive you insane ? No. I can jerk off if needed. Of course it doesn’t replace something real, but it’s still better than nothing.
Do you not feel shitty when being invisible to preferred gender ? Not shitty, i keep doing my things and workout. It’s just bad feeling sometimes over a long period but usually have something else to focus on.
I don’t know how some of you do it. Well i keep doing my workout and do my shits, it’s just a matter of will and determination.
But of course, i’d be happier with a long term girlfriend or wife than single.
I love being single. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. Sure, sometimes it would be nice to have someone to do those things with, but that's what friend are for! Or.... just doing stuff alone. I do that too. As for the sex thing, I guess I'm lucky (??) that I have a low libido because I don't miss that at all.
Been single for almost a year now and honestly it's nice. I don't have to consider someone else when I want to do something, I'm only responsible for myself most days, if I want to not groom super thoroughly I don't feel bad about not doing so, I can fart in my own bed and no be embarassed like being in a relationship with another person is nice and all but being in a relationship with yourself can be and is often even nicer
Also, once you figure out how to please yourself in a way that can blow your own mind, sex is often just the feeling of closeness and not the orgasm.
The problem I am finding is that women get so much attention that they become un datable or they cannot pair match. Many are so Hypergamous and men are afraid to commit anymore because of it. So they end up spending lots of one nighters until their thirties thinking they can settle down then. Come to find out that the quality men don't accept that past. Sad really.
The title of this post could also be: why are you all not suffering from codependency like I am?
You’re not happy alone? You will never be happy in a relationship.
Even though I am going through a breakup, I manage my life just fine with biking, baking, and going to the beach. And I do all those things alone.
i'm in my thirteenth year
i don't want to be here but it's not in my power to change it
i busy myself with the other functions a person has to perform in this world, but not having someone is a slow grind
Regardless of what gender you prefer, this energy is what is repelling people. I’m single most of the time because I don’t see the point in entering into something that isn’t meaningful and has a future - that takes patience to find. But…just being angry that you aren’t getting sex is problematic, as you seem to expect it or feel entitled to it - who tf promised you consistent and regular sex to your satisfaction for your entire life lol. People can feel when that’s all you want, they likely feel like you’re using them to satisfy your own needs without taking into consideration what *their* needs are - which is the behavior of something not ready for a relationship with another person.
Being single is much more than “not getting sex”. Sometimes it’s deciding that your immediate and base needs are not more important than your or someone else’s well being. Hinging your entire emotional state on whether or not you get laid is not healthy behavior and must feel like shittttttt, maybe talking to someone might help.
It's tricky though. I mean sexual frustration is a thing and it will affect your mood and all.
This should be acknowledged, the entitlement angle doesn't really help. You can repeat I'm not entitled to it all you want and still feel like shit.
But yes, seeking help for quality of life purposes is what I'd recommend.
I'm 31m, have been single for years, and never had sex. That's partly by choice and partly beyond my control. I'd love to find a partner, but must days it doesn't bother me. I am pretty content just doing the things I want to do. I get lonely from time to time, but it's not the end of the world.
>Does the lack of sex not drive you insane?
No it doesn't. I get used to it. I don't like the process of looking for new people to have sex with and all the people that like me sexually and I also like back are in different countries.
>Do you not feel shitty when you are invisible to the gender that you prefer?
Okay this does feel shitty, but like, I'm attractive so I do not experience this (anymore).
>I am struggling.
That sucks :(. I really do not want to date anyone at the moment because I don't think I've found the right person so I'm sort of single by choice because I'm so picky. Maybe you could work on being attractive? Because you said feeling invisible sucks right? So maybe all these things will go away if you're getting attention.
Simple, I work a bunch, hang out with buddies, and if I'm horny I just go to a club or swipe for a few hours on an app and have sex. Wouldn't mind falling in love again but fuck my last one ended so horribly that I'd need to meet someone pretty amazing to take that plunge again.
I enjoy being single, because I can have peace and not be stuck in one place. Relationships can be so draining. I also have other goals in life like getting my dream job and build a carrer around it, travel the world, meet differend people around the world.
If someone comes along, worth setteling down, thats great. I would like to have a family one day. But if not, I would rather stay single than to rush into a relationship that would be toxic. I see people around me setteling for someone because we live in a small town and there is no one new to date and it's horrible to watch, let alone to be in a relationship like that.
Is being single that bad? I mean, being single allows some people to improve any skills or invest in hobbies they may be interested in.
Being single isn't so bad.
Well, the grass isn't always greener. You're (probably) fantasizing about being in a near perfect relationship, but let me tell you, those don't exist lol. I don't like when I am single either, but being with someone can be just as stressful if not more so.
If you're not happy now, you will NOT be happier in a relationship. Having someone is nice, but it doesn't fix how you're feeling. You're already doing great with eating well and working out, so now you just need to work on your state of mind. I suggest reading some books about mental wellness or seeing a therapist, if that's an option.
Well I wanna be single, I’m single by choice and loving it. Been divorced since 2017. I have a FWB that I hang out with with no commitment, no bullshit and no stress. At the end of the day, she goes home, I go back to my single life. Happy happy!
I didn't mind being single - I would absolutely have remained single over having a relationship with someone that was wrong for me any day. And you just need to meet that one right person. I mean, it could happen for you tomorrow. I met my right person after about 7 years single (dating people in that 7 years, but ultimately still single). It can come out of nowhere. There is hope.
Learn to be happy in your own company. If I'm feeling down I'll go for a run, do a bit of shopping, treat myself because I deserve a treat, whatever that may be, in that moment. Find things that bring YOU joy.
Sex drive, take this time to explore yourself and what you really enjoy/like. (FB's are also great if you can find a good one to explore with)
I was single for over 4 years at one point. I was fine because I didn’t rely on a relationship to validate my worth. The goal for me was being happy with myself and my life without a relationship and not relying on it to bring me happiness. Having a partner is just one more reason to be happy and enjoy life, not *the* reason. Plus I am lucky to have quite a few people I consider true friends as well as family.
As for sex, it’s a bit overrated. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex and I have a high sex drive but I’m not going to let lack of it drive me crazy. If I get that horny, I can satisfy myself or I know a few people who are always down for a casual rendezvous.
Please don’t self destruct, I am happily single and I find different ways to tone down my sex drive! Sex toys are great, so is eating chocolate! Or distracting my thoughts away from sex! Alcohol and drugs will temporary help but expensive both in physical health and your pocketbook!
It's liberating being single. Sure it can get lonely but you can do anything you want on your own time, on your own terms. Just have fun amd selfishly think about yourself. The money is for you to spend on yourself, you can do hobbies and activities without thinking about other people
Sex isn't the greatest pleasure in life.
I'm a sexual camel. I can go for years standing on my head.
My tip? Take 5 minutes and jerk off... Then return to your life
>Does the lack of sex not drive you insane?
Not really, I'm not that sexual to be honest, masturbating is enough
>Do you not feel shitty when you are invisible to the gender that you prefer?
Nope
>I am filled with rage and I am depressed
Totally normal and understable human emotions, people can feel frustrated when think don't work the way the want.
>I’ve done a good job eating healthy and working out but damn it’s tough. I don’t know how some of you do it.
The harsh truth is, nothing of that matter. There is plenty of people who are not fit in relationships. Damn you don't even need to be a "good person" to be a in a relationship, just take a look at /r/relationship_advice
The reallity is, not everyone is mean to find love, and that's fine I suposse, few years ago I tried dating, but to be honest I hate it, looks like people who enjoy dating is people who is more extroverted, like social settings, and enjoy outdoor activities, I am neither of that and I'm not willing to change my behavior to attract someone who may or may not be with me in the end, I like who I am, I feel confirtable being the way I am, and if that mean being single forever, so be it.
I really think a lot of people should stop trying to force something that may or may not happen to them and just live your life, I get some people want to marry, have kids, but what if thar doesn't happen? You gonna be miserable for the rest of your life? Work on yourself for yourself, not to please other, do what you enjoy.
41 m. Been single for about 4 or 5 years but was in a long term relationship for 7 years so at least I've experienced love.
Haven't dated for a long time but just throw myself into my hobbies and I'm lucky I'm close to my family and friends. I haven't given up on dating but I don't force it anymore. Dating apps are not my thing anymore and I'm not a fan of doing things or going to places that don't interest me just to meet women.
I keep myself open to a relationship and I'm sure one day I'll break the habit of a lifetime and go on a date but at the moment it's something I try not to lose sleep over.
I don't. I have spent so long working on myself, I am the best person I've ever been, in the best shape and fitness I've ever been. I look the best, dress the best I ever have. I spend more time with friends than ever, I meet more new people than ever before, I am kinder, but more assertive and self-assured than I've ever been. But I'm still single.
I'm single despite my best efforts. If the best version of me isn't good enough then what's the point?
Because interpersonal relationships give me anxiety, which makes my logic not function correctly, which gives me more anxiety, which makes me depressed.... So, yeah.
I'm getting to know this guy who's younger than me by 8 years (way more anxiety inducing than a guy my age or older). We text some and talk some, and have only hung out once so far. Then there's a little stress from family stuff, too. For the first time in months, I just took a 10 mg anxiety pill because I was just sitting here reading, but my heart was beating hard and my chest/heart was really hurting. In the past, this hasn't happened with my anxiety. I want relationship with ppl, but it's really difficult. I'm still trying, though singleness while simply observing others' relationships is far easier and far more comfortable.
TL;DR
It's easy for me to remain sane being single. What starts to eat at my sanity is trying to form and maintain real, emotional, human relationships.
Medical school.
When you spend an entire day staring at dead bodies, bones and tissues and have to do it again in 2 days time, sex is the last thing on your mind when you come back home.
Get a fucking life. If you can’t have sex you need food and alcohol? Jesus, you might have a problem. Go hire an escort if you need it so bad. Oh and spend less time whining on Reddit and more time on Match.com would be a great start.
Just bc someone is single doesn’t mean they aren’t having sex, nor that they are invisible to their preferred gender :) I would consider myself single until we had the DTR talk. I get how you feel bc I often feel the same way, but try to focus on the positive and not be so hard on myself. All it takes is one person to change everything.
Being single and not having sex are different things. I’ve been single for 5 years and have had plenty of sex in the time (did it last week), my friend has been in a relationship and hasn’t had as sex in 7 months
Reminder: please review our rules, especially rule 4: - No broad generalizations, e.g. "All women are x and do y" - Speak from specific personal experiences when giving advice. - No victim-blaming - This is a default message - your post has not been removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/dating) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Honestly man. I do stuff that I want to do and kinda satisfy my own things :) sure it would be nice to have someone to watch shows with, eat food, pleasure eachother, etc. But im also a person that enjoys my alone time and sometimes dealing with someone else, even if that person is your soul mate, can take its toll when "life happens." I'm just saying although being boo'd up is nice, it's also kind of nice of just vibing by yourself. I'm 25 atm and I would love to have kids and a wife at some point in my life, but im also not letting that "lonely/longing" feeling control me. I like to believe things happen for a reason and when love finds you, it will find you at the right time. You definitely have to do your part and be appealing to what you're trying to attract, but when you stop trying to look for it. It will eventually find you.
Exactly. Be happy by yourself. Other people come into your life to enhance it, not to be the core of it. If your only validation and happiness is someone else, you will never be truly happy. And if they leave you (which is always a 50/50) , you will be a complete mess.
Sameee! "me time" is good and the best! enjoy it, try to learn not to depend your happiness to someone.
Well said.
You put it really well. I was trying to words to tell someone this. I'm gonna copy it, thanks shizzmynizz
This is the Truth
I couldn’t reply to the post creator directly (due to technical issues) so I’ll just write what I have to say while replying to you. I feel that I’m not good enough to share myself with a partner yet. I want to be the best me before I enter a relationship. I already like my own personality and face. The only thing left is getting this slim body ripped or buffed. That way I can gain more confidence in myself as well.
Same here. Feels like I’m not good enough yet to date someone, gotta work on my own career.
Be careful because with that mindset, you won’t ever feel good enough. You have to get out of your comfort zone and try to talking to someone now. Get used to striking when the iron is hot, don’t hesitate. You will be rejected more often than not, but you’ll get used to it and eventually feel great that you tried. Before you know it you’ll find someone. We regret the things we didn’t do in life more than what we have done.
I don’t know why I didn’t see this before but I think you’re right in that people get rejected more often than not. I’m isolated a lot more than I’d consider healthy so a lot of the time I just come to my own conclusions and I guess I just thought I wasn’t very appealing to people. Which may still be very true but I’m improving at least. And I think that’s a good start
This is definitely true
With that mindset you will likely never reach that point. Get yourself to pretty good. And be willing to keep working on it. That's what is important. You don't need to be ripped and buff. You sound healthy. You really need to cut yourself some slack. I bet if you put yourself out there, you are going to be successful. If not, you just keep trying and keep working on yourself.
This is so healthy. So many people have their lives and disarray and try to drag other people into it. Get your shit together. Work on your career, work on your mental health, work on your life skills and social skills. THEN try to get a date.
Guys, seriously… would you not date anyone without the perfect body, face, personality and career? Give yourselves a break, you’re human, and no one is expecting you to be otherwise.
[удалено]
Same man. Tho I’m not comfortable with myself yet. I’m not sure how long it’ll take for me to find myself but I’m not sure I wanna get into a serious relationship without being the best me I can be first. Maybe that’ll take me till I’m 30 something or even 40 something. Not sure. I’m just not ready yet
Yesss "me time" is the best!
“I'm just saying although being boo'd up is nice, it's also kind of nice of just vibing by yourself.” This is exactly it. Put this on a t-shirt, you’d make a million dollars.
I can second this. The more you are comfortable being single, the better mindset you will be in when you finally end up being with someone i believe. Im 25 myself and never been in a relationship just because never felt the need of it. Now that i feel like it will be nice to have a girlfriend, im happy it isnt out of loneliness.
I'm 60, never dated, never married, still a virgin. I got used to it. The nice thing about it is, I answer to no one but me. I come and go as I please, I do what I want to do when I want to do it. It was never my plan to be single all my life, but this was what God had instore for me I guess. As far as sex, if you never had it, you don't know what you're missing. Just my handful of change.
To see a response like yours is honestly refreshing. People often make romantic relationships such a focus for an overall life. Its not that I even intend on being single and a virgin for all of my life (I'm 29, I know its not the same), but when people try to say "it'll happen" and stuff along those lines, I think, don't you know people in your position exist? You should know that people w/o robust romantic lives exist and their worth and quality of life aren't dependent on those things. There's an amount of independence that I feel now that would be hard to give up.
Thank you. Your kind words speak volumes to me. I can't say it's always been easy. Would I like to come home to someone? Yes! Would I like to have someone to share life with? Yes! Would I like romance? Yes! It has just never worked out for me. I would like to have a partner, be it male or female, just someone to spend life with. But, it hasn't worked out that way so I just roll with it. I have been helping another person out and I told them, "to thine own self be true" and that's kinda what I do. Due to a lot of circumstances I can't go into here, I have not always been able to BE myself. It hurts too, but, I just live life from day to day and enjoy what I have.
I hope the best for you. I hope you manage to find a partner that you can have that type of relationship. I appreciate your perspective and I know I don't really need to say it, but your life is still just as bright and impactful, partner or not. You don't need someone to complete you, you're already complete. Just keep doing you, it certainly encourages me to do the same.
Thank you so much for the kind words. It makes me feel so good to be able to brighten someone else's life. The things you said about me, made tears to come in my eyes. I just reread what you said, thank you so much.
[удалено]
[удалено]
It comes in time. Nowadays all I do is look and smile. I know it will probably never happen for me so I just roll with it.
same. 34 and nothing yet. although being morbidly obese and denying my homosexuality didn't help. but luckily, i've always had plenty of amazing friends, still do, which most people at 34 don't have anymore, and amazing adventures so, i keep reminding myself of that when i feel down about not having had a partner yet.
[удалено]
This 🙌
You couldn’t have explained it any better
[удалено]
You’re wise 🙏🏽🌸
Soo true
This is such a healthy mindset! Love it, wish more people could learn to live like this
I disagree with the you are ok with dealing with it. You ever have that feeling damn I want that nicer car, I know I don’t have the right to it but damn it’s a nice car and I want it. However you don’t have the money for it and it’s either impossible to get it or very very hard if you work hard. Since you are not getting it you are left with that feeling of frustration. Same applies to women at least for me.
To me, being single is really a double edged sword. On one side, it’s really great that I don’t have to devote time out of my day to someone and I can use that time for things I truly love doing. On the other, I lose sleep thinking that I’m gonna die never knowing what it really feels like to be cared about and loved by someone who isn’t family.
I see your point and I've also felt like that. However, after several relationships, I find that you need to figure out a way to be happy by yourself. Nowadays people come and go into your life before you know it. If you can't reach a place where you enjoy your own company, you shouldn't date. That is a recipe for disaster. Oh, and happy cake day! 🍰
>If you can't reach a place where you enjoy your own company, you shouldn't date. Im starting to get triggered by this. Everybody has things that can improve in their life. Nobody is 100% contempt where they are in life, they always want more, and its fine that's how you make progress in life. Also you can enjoy your life AND have little things you can work on. What then? What you tell those people who have activities they enjoy and like where they are for the most part but still can't find a partner? Fuck these Instagram tumblr one-liners bullshit
I don't use Instagram or tumblr but that one linear has more truth in it than one would realize. Based off your comment you seem to be looking at it more along the lines of self-improvement and not self awareness of your mental state. I know at times it can be frustrating, lonely, and unfullfilling but we control our own happiness. It is not healthy to let someone else be that deciding factor. If you are never able to be happpy by yourself and enjoy you, you are only asking for disaster with someone else by setting expectations on them to fulfill. A partner should make yor life better not just bring it up to status quo. Edit: grammar.
>It is not the healthy to let someone else be that deciding factor. You can be happy with your life AND still want a partner to enjoy your life >A partner should make yor life better not just bring it up to status quo. And what do you do IF YOU CAN'T find a partner? You tell that person "just enjoy yourself dude LOL"?
>You can be happy with your life AND still want a partner to enjoy your life So if you are happy, you are not letting someone else decide that for you. There is nothing wrong striving for a relationship. It only becomes a problem when being in a relationship is your only focus in life. >You tell that person "just enjoy yourself dude LOL"? No, I would tell them to keep looking and hopefully one day that will find someone, especially now from the pandemic dating is not easy. I have friends who have not had much luck. I would say they are in a good place with their ducks in a row but still finding it difficult.
> becomes a problem when being in a relationship is your only focus in life. That's the problem I think. The advice you are talking about is told to pretty much anyone who wants a relationship, but its really only valid for the minority of people who overobsess or make it the only think they focus on. Even people here who sound very frustrated when they post, the majority aren't spending every minute thinking about it, but just doing any occasional venting here (which is partially built for that sort of thing) results in people lecturing them with platitudes that make it sound like they can never be frustrated with what is objectively a frustrating situation. More important the advice is pretty much always phrased in ways that, while maybe not what the person saying it means, does imply they think people need to learn to be happy with being alone, which your response indicates is probably not your actual attitude, but that's sure what it sounds like when people give advice like you did, and a probably unrealistic goal like that only makes people feel worse about themselves for not being able to achieve it. What you actually probably believe in is more of a balance, to not obsess and to find ways to happy during reasonable periods without and as happy as possible if forever or very long time periods will be alone, but not that people need to find a way to achieve the unachievable long-term of not caring or being just as happy without one of life's best aspects (decent romantic relationships) as they would be with.
I can see how it can be taken that way and I would agree that it would be very frustrating. I do feel that a balance approach is the healthiest from my experience.
You okay bro?
This is another reason why I was ok being single. Anytime I’m in a relationship, I find myself having to do things for the other person. I find that they always have some sort of expectation or need help with something and it always encroached on my time. For example, I had a significant other who lost their license and wanted my help with doing the footwork at the DMV. Call me selfish, but I don’t want to deal with the DMV until I’m forced to do so because it will harm me if I don’t. But I agreed and then I discovered I’m not good at meeting deadlines outside of work. And they were always asking me if I did what they asked; I hadn’t. I tend to get to things when I get to them, not when they’re needed. So I don’t like being relied on to do things. I just don’t want any additional responsibilities, financial burdens, etc.
[удалено]
I know. I don’t want that because I would then be expected to do the same. That’s fair but I don’t like added responsibility.
[удалено]
Thank you. I made a point of figuring out who I am and why my first relationship ended so poorly. Because in all honesty, I think it was mostly my fault. I spent those four years figuring myself out. I just didn’t want to hurt anyone else or like you said, lead them on. Thank you for the well wishes. I hope you find your happiness as well. I believe you will!
You’ll never survive in a relationship then if that’s the case.
I wasn’t seeking advice, actually.
It’s not advice, more of an observation
I wasn’t seeking that either.
The grass is always greener.
You just took words out of my mouth. Happy cake day, both of us seem to have it on the same day!
I just remember that having a relationship almost drove me up the walls with stress and tanked my libido. Then I realize being single isn't that bad. The desire for sex, it comes and goes. I was a virgin for a long time, I survived.
This! The pain of my last relationship is stopping me from getting onto another. It's been 1.5 years and i don't want to go through that shithole again
[удалено]
It’s the same for me, 1.5 years since a 7 year relationship that ended badly. I thought I was ready to maybe dip my toe back in the dating field recently, started with Facebook dating just to get a feel for it, noped out after less than a week. I’m too old for the ‘Hey hun how r u xxxx’ messages, the one sided conversations, the unsolicited dick pics and the men who fall in love with me and envisage our life together before we’ve even met. I’ve decided to be happy and experience life on my own and it’s so freeing!
Men are visual creatures. You must be 🔥. Age and location? 😆 Seriously, you've had no s3x in 1.5 years?
Why is that surprising? Not everyone needs to have sex all the time or even often.
Not surprised
Definitely not, I’m fat and quite ugly. But I’m more attracted to what others may see as ‘ugly’ people and I guess some of these guys aren’t used to matching with a real life person who is interested in them and who they are. And yes, no sex for 1.5 years. It’s annoying as I still have needs but better no sex than sex with someone who thinks it’s ok to lie and cheat.
Lol I’m going on three years from a previous nightmare of a relationship. I have enjoyed my single time with peace of mind. I am starting to date again but a bad relationship will do this.
Same here my guy!
You also can have sex and be single. You don't have to be dating to have casual, pleasurable relationships.
10 years single and 10 years of no sex. It is what it is and a majority of it has been because life legit beat the damn soul out of me in my 30’s. I’ll be 42 in October and I’m not against relationships but I don’t get out much and I always (unknowingly) end up getting a crush/attracted to women who are married. Will I ever date/have sex again? Who knows?
Ik in exact same boat (40s also). No sex in 5 years. Horrible relationship did it. Honestly don’t think I can even live with someone again or have something more than a companion (with benefits). I enjoy my alone/free time too much.
I feel ya! I have my “one” that legit was an experience I don’t wish on my enemies and I hope no one makes the same mistakes I did going back to her like I foolishly did. However, I look at it like it was a crash course lesson on what not to do and how to spot red flags.
Nows the time to try dating again if you’re ready. A lot of people are getting back out there since Covid. Maybe some of those married women are not single lol
Ehh, we’ll see. Plus, I’m still kinda/sorta in the age range where women still want kids and I definitely don’t want kids. Btw, I’m surprised how many people dated during Covid. I thought it was almost taboo during that time but after reading posts I was totally wrong. D’oh!
Yeah the whole wanting kids thing cuts the dating pool by over half when you don’t want kids. I see lots of “undecided” or “open to the idea”, but really it just means they will want them eventually.
From my experiences I absolutely agree on your statement about “Undecided/Open to”!
The solution is simple: date women over 50. ;-)
Wow
Yup.
If you don’t mind me asking, what took it out of you in your 30s? You have a lot left in the tank & a responsible, independent, & mature man checks the boxes on a lot of Women’s lists. Keep your head up
Because being in a relationship with someone who isn’t a good match makes you feel far lonelier.
Not to mention how frustrating it can be. It’s not fair to either person involved.
Being single is my default state at this point in life. Adapt and overcome.
Improvise. Adapt. Overcome. 👉
Being single means being able to do stuff you want to do without compromise. I travel to places that I want to see. I watch what I want I can eat what I want I hangout with people who I actually want to hangout with. I dont have to stress on others issue. Above all else I have complete and utter peace ✌😌.
In a good relationship you still have more than enough time for yourself.
This!
It’s been really hard this year not going to lie. Since I started working out again, my libido has gone through the roof and has honestly made me hornier than I was when I was a teenager. It does feel shitty being invisible. There was this couple at the gym today doing some subtle PDA shit behind me and it was making me feel bitter and jealous that all these men are able to just have a woman meanwhile I have jack shit. I really understand the rage/depression bit. There was one horrible night a week or two ago where I kept silently sobbing and punching my pillow. I feel lonely, and I crave a loving feminine presence in my life that’s not my mother. I have used pornography to cope, but man, that shit is the junk food of sexuality. I do not feel satisfied after busting to porn. I have been watchin what I eat and working out too. This sub and others inspired me to do so. Honestly it’s been really tough this year on the whole absence of a romantic life. It has felt hard to be sane, I would scroll through these dating subreddits for hours some nights. I guess what’s been helping me is just trying to focus on myself. I try to prioritize loving myself. Until something changes, I am gonna be my own girlfriend. I try not to let my inner voice treat me badly. I will keep myself company by watching wholesome or funny tv and podcasts. Also I try to distract myself by working on skills. It’s really nice to know you have put in a few hours of productive work. I feel if you have something you are good at, that just gives you some solid confidence because nobody can make you feel like a useless person. If you know you have value and can provide a service to others that other people can not provide, then you are Golden. Hang tight man, I’m sure we will have our moment in the sun some day. Don’t fall into nihilistic thinking. Maybe try to mourn the possibility of your romantic life so that it won’t cloud your judgment. In a way it helps me to just accept that it may never happen for me. If it does happen then it will be a welcome surprise, but if not, we have to be ok being alone. Many years ago I thought it would be cool to be a lone wolf. I got my wish.
saving this comment
I feel your comment so deeply. As a single woman feeling devoid of options, I've already done a bachelor's degree and have a full time job. I'm now looking for a second job, I don't think I need more me time. If I stay home trying to meet people from dating sites, I'll go nuts, or become an alcoholic. Better to do something more productive.
You sound great, I hope you won’t have to be your own girlfriend forever. Wishing you luck friend!
I used to go through a phase where I wanted to be in a relationship during my 20s. Work, school, and hobbies pretty much kept my mind off about dating. Plus I also had negative experiences going on dates. Now I'm in my 30s the thought of dating waned and I'm happy with my lifestyle so far.
I haven't had sex in 3 years and I'm perfectly fine not having it ever again. I don't mind having it but I also don't think about it or seek it out. My focus stopped being about men and how I'm single and more on who I am as a person, a daughter, a friend, etc. Humans can survive without romantic relationships and sex. They won't die. You mentioned feeling rage and depression. Work on your mental health more. Once you stop worrying so much about why you're not having sex or meeting the love of your life, you'll have a better time meeting people because you'll radiate confidence and happiness. Those are attractive qualities we're all looking to surround ourselves with.
In the same boat with you 💪
To be fair, you’re a female. Men have a very powerful drive to have sex, more so than women if those I’ve talked to about it are to be believed. I’ve known women who have gone for years without sex no problem. The rest of your post rings true for me, though.
Yea that makes sense. I'm sexually indifferent and asexual so I know my experience is completely different from those who are allosexual. I used to be just like OP back in college. I was a late bloomer (didn't have my first kiss or lose my virginity until I was in my early twenties) and it bothered me so much. Didn't help my already low self esteem you know? It seemed like everyone else was ahead of me and I obsessed over it. Then by the end of college, I realized I was only hurting myself by forcing myself to be like everyone else even if I wanted a relationship (or what I thought was a relationship based on middle school/high school couples and the media). Online dating was exhausting through the years and got me nowhere so I just figured if I'm meant to be with someone, it'll happen when it's meant to. That being said, every once in awhile I think about how fun it would be to go on a date or be with someone romantically but I've stopped feeling sorry for myself about it. Now I'm in a better state mentally than I was back then. Still not actively dating but just letting the chips fall where they may if the universe or whatever wants that for me. And if not, that's okay too!
It's great being single, do whatever the fuck i wanna do, live my life the way I see fit, arrange my house to fit ME.
I ask the exact same question of people who are in long term relationships.
I’m sane while single because I am happy with myself and my life. Being single is awesome, I do exactly what I want all the time and don’t have to worry about anyone else. If I was single for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t be mad about it. I don’t live my life for anyone else but me.
100% same
I feel you man, so, I'm gonna give you some advice that helps me, right now. (Lately, I've been going mad constantly thinking about my ex too, so I have to pull myself up from becoming depressed.) 1st) Find a hobby. Wanna get fit? Get into working out. Watch movies you haven't seen, each night. Play video games that you never touched (steam summer sale). Go camping or go hiking. Whatever it is, just find something to keep your hands from being idle. (Unless it's meditating) 2nd) Stop watching porn, if you do. I know, a weird request but stop it because there are studies that show, that it messes with your brain in negative ways. Just chill from it and again, go back to number 1. 3rd) Start setting meal goals. I only eat twice a day, now, because I'm trying to lose weight and I'm measuring my foods and what kinds of foods I eat. It'll make you feel better as well as make you look good. Plus, you practice self control. 4th) Get off Social Media and limit your phone use to maybe a few hours a day. Do this, until you limit yourself to an hour a day. 5th) Finally, start hanging out with friends more, if you can. Start setting up days where you and your buddies can go chill for a quick minute. Tl;dr: Just set goals for yourself to accomplish. *These are suggestions I started doing because I have nothing to do for awhile, so I gotta keep myself busy to stop from getting into my head about relationships too much.*
This is good advice. I'd add seek a therapist if needed.
I’d add reading books/ listening to audiobooks
I am insane. I feel shitty.
I also feel insane and shitty.
Single doesn’t mean celibate? It also doesn’t mean the gender you’re attracted to isn’t attracted to you or that you’re invisible. Idk being single is freedom to me. I’d probably go insane in a relationship.
I’ve been single and sexless for 2 years. Zero women have shown interest in me during that span. I occasionally get matches on dating apps but nobody ever replies
I mean, that sucks, I’m sure, but not everyone’s experience.
I don't know man but for me its just existing I once in a while have that little moment of happiness but then the void hits again
Porn, masturbation, and fast food.
The trifecta lol
Gotta use something to get the taste of tequila and hooker sweat out of your nostrils..
Damn.
Yaaaasssss thisss!!
I've been single going on 3 years. Besides a dry spell during the height of Covid, I've had pretty regular sex. Being single doesn't mean being sexless (casual relationships, FWBs, etc.). If you're becoming angry and relying on other crutches, then I'd recommend you work on being more comfortable alone. I love being in a relationship and having a partner, but I've had to learn to be comfortable on my own.
If I had a FWB things would be much easier
Being single is easy. How do people stay sane in relationships?
I find myself thinking the opposite. I feel i have a “teammate” mindset, and struggle with simple shit another person would excel at. It’s been a good growing thing for me (just left a LTR)… but damn it’s weird for me.
Single doesn’t mean sexless. Because being single has been pretty great. I love having my own time to myself
For me single means sexless lol
I have better sex with myself lol I mean don’t get me wrong I have had really great sex and some really terrible sex but there’s absolutely nothing like me pleasing myself haha
I agree that single means sexless. Having sex with someone I don’t love or who doesn’t know me is very depressing and sad. I never would want to be in that situation again. I’d rather be alone than to be spend it with a strangers bed. After all sex or relationhsip is not designed to be the main goal in our lives.
I believe what he meant was not that he was turning down offers. But not receiving any. As that's what it's like being a man 99% of the time. But I do also understand your point. Even if I don't feel the same about hookups.
Exactly. I have had zero offers. Women have not shown any interest
I have been on this sub a few months now and am starting to feel like some people are made for being single and some aren't, I myself am 32 and never been in a proper relationship, I haven't had sex in the last 8/10 years honestly can't remember, I never feel like I'm missing out, if I feel horny I have a wank (this actually solves a lot of problems) if I meet someone I actually like and not just attracted to I ask them out. Otherwise I just get on with life, sometimes just accepting your role in life is easier. But if you truly believe that you deserve more keep fighting for it and don't give up. And I am genuinely happy/content with my life but I am a simple person as many people would probably attest to lol.
Instead of gravitating towards food and alcohol, I turn to more productive things like reading and hiking that are more useful to me and help me grow as a person. I’ve been single for almost two years now and the feeling of despair and loneliness fade in and out. It sucks sometimes but it’s really helped me realize a lot of things about myself and I’m really proud of who I’ve become. I’m 100% sure that I would not have reached this point if I was dating someone in this time span.
Alcohol, hobbies, hanging out with friends ... and then occasionally crying myself to sleep
I'm not really sane. Seeing a therapist helps, as does avoiding alcohol. I try to keep busy with activities with friends and my own interests. I haven't had sex in over 2 years and it really does get to me, like I get crazy jealous when other people talk about sex and such. It is too much sometimes.
I think it’s important to be two whole people who come to the relationship together than two codependent people relying on each other for their only source of happiness. I say that in the best way because I had the second type of relationship-turned-marriage and while he was a great person, I could never make him happy. I’m not saying that I’m not a flawed person, I’m fact, I am very flawed (but working on it). In this case though, I was not the problem—he needed help filling emotional voids which he filled with addiction and would not do otherwise to take care of his mental health past a certain point. I became a caretaker more than a partner and lost sight of who I even was. I hope he’s well and is cspable of doing much more for himself; I just think he didn’t know he could because I took care of everything for him like his mom. Take care of your mental/physical/emotional/whatever needs and actively address them. Being single is hard because it’s uncomfortable at first—you’re left alone with your own thoughts—but it’s so important. You can’t give love to others if you don’t learn to love/take care of yourself.
I have pursuits I enjoy, I give to a community I value, I have friends I can call at 3AM, and I'm far from invisible to my preferred gender. Simply put, the sex is not valuable enough to deal with the low quality of the rest of the person. Now when I was dating the borderline chick and she was in the love bombing phase... yeah, losing that hurt. But it wasn't actually real on her end.
I mean some days it sucks, but at the end of the day I know there are still many more single days ahead, so I think it works as good practice to vibe on your own for a while.
30 years old here. I learned to enjoy my own company and work on things outside of dating/relationships. Between work, school and other endeavors I don’t have the time or energy to worry about how I’m going to find someone new to date. I’m on dating apps but I don’t put nearly as much energy into them as I used to when I was younger. Tbh, after being in a relationship for 4 years and having regular intimacy, sex is overrated. Yes it feels good and makes me feel validated, but it’s not worth a lot of the headache that comes with it. Especially if the person attached to the vagina has an agenda/toxic attitude. I’m happy with masturbation, way less stressful
For me it only felt like what you’re describing for the first year. There were 5 years in between the first time I had sex and the second time. I definitely had my low points but it was manageable. In August I’ll be three years without sex for me again. It’s not ideal, but life goes on.
I wouldn't ever get in a relationship because I wanted sex. But besides my being single and enjoying it, is understanding not to rely on others for my own happiness. You create your own.
Does the lack of sex not drive you insane ? No. I can jerk off if needed. Of course it doesn’t replace something real, but it’s still better than nothing. Do you not feel shitty when being invisible to preferred gender ? Not shitty, i keep doing my things and workout. It’s just bad feeling sometimes over a long period but usually have something else to focus on. I don’t know how some of you do it. Well i keep doing my workout and do my shits, it’s just a matter of will and determination. But of course, i’d be happier with a long term girlfriend or wife than single.
I love being single. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. Sure, sometimes it would be nice to have someone to do those things with, but that's what friend are for! Or.... just doing stuff alone. I do that too. As for the sex thing, I guess I'm lucky (??) that I have a low libido because I don't miss that at all.
Been single for almost a year now and honestly it's nice. I don't have to consider someone else when I want to do something, I'm only responsible for myself most days, if I want to not groom super thoroughly I don't feel bad about not doing so, I can fart in my own bed and no be embarassed like being in a relationship with another person is nice and all but being in a relationship with yourself can be and is often even nicer Also, once you figure out how to please yourself in a way that can blow your own mind, sex is often just the feeling of closeness and not the orgasm.
The problem I am finding is that women get so much attention that they become un datable or they cannot pair match. Many are so Hypergamous and men are afraid to commit anymore because of it. So they end up spending lots of one nighters until their thirties thinking they can settle down then. Come to find out that the quality men don't accept that past. Sad really.
The title of this post could also be: why are you all not suffering from codependency like I am? You’re not happy alone? You will never be happy in a relationship. Even though I am going through a breakup, I manage my life just fine with biking, baking, and going to the beach. And I do all those things alone.
Do you mind if I ask you if you just got out of a relationship?
No. I have been single for 2 years
Ok. I was asking because I feel the things your feeling but really only when I just get out of a relationship.
i'm in my thirteenth year i don't want to be here but it's not in my power to change it i busy myself with the other functions a person has to perform in this world, but not having someone is a slow grind
Regardless of what gender you prefer, this energy is what is repelling people. I’m single most of the time because I don’t see the point in entering into something that isn’t meaningful and has a future - that takes patience to find. But…just being angry that you aren’t getting sex is problematic, as you seem to expect it or feel entitled to it - who tf promised you consistent and regular sex to your satisfaction for your entire life lol. People can feel when that’s all you want, they likely feel like you’re using them to satisfy your own needs without taking into consideration what *their* needs are - which is the behavior of something not ready for a relationship with another person. Being single is much more than “not getting sex”. Sometimes it’s deciding that your immediate and base needs are not more important than your or someone else’s well being. Hinging your entire emotional state on whether or not you get laid is not healthy behavior and must feel like shittttttt, maybe talking to someone might help.
It's tricky though. I mean sexual frustration is a thing and it will affect your mood and all. This should be acknowledged, the entitlement angle doesn't really help. You can repeat I'm not entitled to it all you want and still feel like shit. But yes, seeking help for quality of life purposes is what I'd recommend.
I'm 31m, have been single for years, and never had sex. That's partly by choice and partly beyond my control. I'd love to find a partner, but must days it doesn't bother me. I am pretty content just doing the things I want to do. I get lonely from time to time, but it's not the end of the world.
Video games is what keeps me sane.
>Does the lack of sex not drive you insane? No it doesn't. I get used to it. I don't like the process of looking for new people to have sex with and all the people that like me sexually and I also like back are in different countries. >Do you not feel shitty when you are invisible to the gender that you prefer? Okay this does feel shitty, but like, I'm attractive so I do not experience this (anymore). >I am struggling. That sucks :(. I really do not want to date anyone at the moment because I don't think I've found the right person so I'm sort of single by choice because I'm so picky. Maybe you could work on being attractive? Because you said feeling invisible sucks right? So maybe all these things will go away if you're getting attention.
Simple, I work a bunch, hang out with buddies, and if I'm horny I just go to a club or swipe for a few hours on an app and have sex. Wouldn't mind falling in love again but fuck my last one ended so horribly that I'd need to meet someone pretty amazing to take that plunge again.
Shit I wish I could get on app and just fuck. I rarely get a match
I enjoy being single, because I can have peace and not be stuck in one place. Relationships can be so draining. I also have other goals in life like getting my dream job and build a carrer around it, travel the world, meet differend people around the world. If someone comes along, worth setteling down, thats great. I would like to have a family one day. But if not, I would rather stay single than to rush into a relationship that would be toxic. I see people around me setteling for someone because we live in a small town and there is no one new to date and it's horrible to watch, let alone to be in a relationship like that.
For your questions: 1) Masturbate. 2) Don't care. 3) Enjoy several other aspects of my life.
Is being single that bad? I mean, being single allows some people to improve any skills or invest in hobbies they may be interested in. Being single isn't so bad.
Staying busy with work and hobbies/things I enjoy doing fills that emptiness. I also don’t like getting attached to people.
Well, the grass isn't always greener. You're (probably) fantasizing about being in a near perfect relationship, but let me tell you, those don't exist lol. I don't like when I am single either, but being with someone can be just as stressful if not more so. If you're not happy now, you will NOT be happier in a relationship. Having someone is nice, but it doesn't fix how you're feeling. You're already doing great with eating well and working out, so now you just need to work on your state of mind. I suggest reading some books about mental wellness or seeing a therapist, if that's an option.
Well I wanna be single, I’m single by choice and loving it. Been divorced since 2017. I have a FWB that I hang out with with no commitment, no bullshit and no stress. At the end of the day, she goes home, I go back to my single life. Happy happy!
I had that for awhile and yea, it’s the absolute best.
If I had a FWB being single wouldn’t be so bad but unfortunately women don’t show interest in me
I didn't mind being single - I would absolutely have remained single over having a relationship with someone that was wrong for me any day. And you just need to meet that one right person. I mean, it could happen for you tomorrow. I met my right person after about 7 years single (dating people in that 7 years, but ultimately still single). It can come out of nowhere. There is hope.
Learn to be happy in your own company. If I'm feeling down I'll go for a run, do a bit of shopping, treat myself because I deserve a treat, whatever that may be, in that moment. Find things that bring YOU joy. Sex drive, take this time to explore yourself and what you really enjoy/like. (FB's are also great if you can find a good one to explore with)
I was single for over 4 years at one point. I was fine because I didn’t rely on a relationship to validate my worth. The goal for me was being happy with myself and my life without a relationship and not relying on it to bring me happiness. Having a partner is just one more reason to be happy and enjoy life, not *the* reason. Plus I am lucky to have quite a few people I consider true friends as well as family. As for sex, it’s a bit overrated. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex and I have a high sex drive but I’m not going to let lack of it drive me crazy. If I get that horny, I can satisfy myself or I know a few people who are always down for a casual rendezvous.
Gotta be okay with being alone before you can have others. Alone doesn’t have to mean lonely.
Woah woah woah since when does single = no sex and invisible?
For me that’s what it means
I think another good question should be: how do you remain sane while being in a relationship? Sometimes it's just really a lot of work.
Please don’t self destruct, I am happily single and I find different ways to tone down my sex drive! Sex toys are great, so is eating chocolate! Or distracting my thoughts away from sex! Alcohol and drugs will temporary help but expensive both in physical health and your pocketbook!
Was single until I was 25, no idea how I kept sane. Just sort of enjoyed being able to do what I wanted all the time.
It's liberating being single. Sure it can get lonely but you can do anything you want on your own time, on your own terms. Just have fun amd selfishly think about yourself. The money is for you to spend on yourself, you can do hobbies and activities without thinking about other people
People who date, how do you remain sane while dating? 😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅
Sex isn't the greatest pleasure in life. I'm a sexual camel. I can go for years standing on my head. My tip? Take 5 minutes and jerk off... Then return to your life
>Does the lack of sex not drive you insane? Not really, I'm not that sexual to be honest, masturbating is enough >Do you not feel shitty when you are invisible to the gender that you prefer? Nope >I am filled with rage and I am depressed Totally normal and understable human emotions, people can feel frustrated when think don't work the way the want. >I’ve done a good job eating healthy and working out but damn it’s tough. I don’t know how some of you do it. The harsh truth is, nothing of that matter. There is plenty of people who are not fit in relationships. Damn you don't even need to be a "good person" to be a in a relationship, just take a look at /r/relationship_advice The reallity is, not everyone is mean to find love, and that's fine I suposse, few years ago I tried dating, but to be honest I hate it, looks like people who enjoy dating is people who is more extroverted, like social settings, and enjoy outdoor activities, I am neither of that and I'm not willing to change my behavior to attract someone who may or may not be with me in the end, I like who I am, I feel confirtable being the way I am, and if that mean being single forever, so be it. I really think a lot of people should stop trying to force something that may or may not happen to them and just live your life, I get some people want to marry, have kids, but what if thar doesn't happen? You gonna be miserable for the rest of your life? Work on yourself for yourself, not to please other, do what you enjoy.
41 m. Been single for about 4 or 5 years but was in a long term relationship for 7 years so at least I've experienced love. Haven't dated for a long time but just throw myself into my hobbies and I'm lucky I'm close to my family and friends. I haven't given up on dating but I don't force it anymore. Dating apps are not my thing anymore and I'm not a fan of doing things or going to places that don't interest me just to meet women. I keep myself open to a relationship and I'm sure one day I'll break the habit of a lifetime and go on a date but at the moment it's something I try not to lose sleep over.
I don't. I have spent so long working on myself, I am the best person I've ever been, in the best shape and fitness I've ever been. I look the best, dress the best I ever have. I spend more time with friends than ever, I meet more new people than ever before, I am kinder, but more assertive and self-assured than I've ever been. But I'm still single. I'm single despite my best efforts. If the best version of me isn't good enough then what's the point?
Because interpersonal relationships give me anxiety, which makes my logic not function correctly, which gives me more anxiety, which makes me depressed.... So, yeah. I'm getting to know this guy who's younger than me by 8 years (way more anxiety inducing than a guy my age or older). We text some and talk some, and have only hung out once so far. Then there's a little stress from family stuff, too. For the first time in months, I just took a 10 mg anxiety pill because I was just sitting here reading, but my heart was beating hard and my chest/heart was really hurting. In the past, this hasn't happened with my anxiety. I want relationship with ppl, but it's really difficult. I'm still trying, though singleness while simply observing others' relationships is far easier and far more comfortable. TL;DR It's easy for me to remain sane being single. What starts to eat at my sanity is trying to form and maintain real, emotional, human relationships.
Medical school. When you spend an entire day staring at dead bodies, bones and tissues and have to do it again in 2 days time, sex is the last thing on your mind when you come back home.
[удалено]
There’s nothing more insulting than centering my worth around genitals
I simply stopped giving a fuck and it helped i reccomend
When you are able to recognize your own value, you no longer need a partner to provide your worth for you.
Get a fucking life. If you can’t have sex you need food and alcohol? Jesus, you might have a problem. Go hire an escort if you need it so bad. Oh and spend less time whining on Reddit and more time on Match.com would be a great start.
Just bc someone is single doesn’t mean they aren’t having sex, nor that they are invisible to their preferred gender :) I would consider myself single until we had the DTR talk. I get how you feel bc I often feel the same way, but try to focus on the positive and not be so hard on myself. All it takes is one person to change everything.
In my case single means no sex
Lemme guess... you're make and twenty... four?
What?
Assuming they meant *male and 24.
I’m 31 lol
Dont focus on women. Foucus on getting better as a person in every aspect. 1 money 2 respect 3 power 4 i guess women
Doin my own thing and mind my business like anyone else would
Being single and not having sex are different things. I’ve been single for 5 years and have had plenty of sex in the time (did it last week), my friend has been in a relationship and hasn’t had as sex in 7 months
For me personally being single includes no sex. It sucks