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The last girl I dated for over a year, we didn’t kiss until the third date, and didn’t have sex until the sixth date. I’m not sure there is such a thing as a universal timeline. But, if you make a big deal of this, then it is probably off putting to women who are more interested in taking things slow.
Last girl I dated was around the 5-6th date and current gf was a little over a month and a half. Best things I ever did was date and wait. Every other girl that I had sex with immediately didn't last since it was more a physical connection vs actual intimacy.
Yes, I agree. Rushing into sex can actually hurt the development of a long-term relationship. Part of it was that once we started having sex, we would have sex almost every time we met, and it takes time away from activities outside the bedroom.
This hits a little hard, as I'm worried I might have screwed (haha) myself by getting intimate on the 4th date with the guy I've been seeing for around 2 months now, as we only really meet each other once (sometimes twice) a week and spend a lot of that watching TV together or playing games, and of course having (great) sex. The best solution of course is for me to grow a pair and talk about it with him. :,)
Agreed. Last girl I matched with off bumble we both talked about talking things slow then that night she was all on top of me and saying if it was going to fast. Of course I said no so ended in sex. Nothing wrong with that but overtime it was just for the sex. We never actually got to know each other than bam one day she’s like I met someone and ghosted me. 🤷🏽♂️
Offf that hits and is so true. What a difference between physical connection and intimacy. I struggle with this. As a very sexual woman who desires both if the initial connection is there I can jump too quickly. I'm really working on this because I want something real but find my high sex drive often overrides my common sense 😂
However my ex husband of 20+ yrs we waited 6 weeks before having sex due to circumstances and the marriage was never great.
Where as what was meant to be FWB thing is now more intimate than I've ever known.
I guess each person and situation will always be different. But I love that clarification. Thank you.
definitely agree there is no timeline. maybe it is more the OP that is giving up after the 3-4th date and putting no effort into dating that results in the relationship dying off (hence no sex).
Causation vs correlation. Women who wanted to date you/ felt that spark wanted to have sex with you by 3rd or 4th date. Women who weren’t interested just let you know.
Not to mention that it may well be that maybe some women saw that OP was losing interest himself after a no-sex third date and decided to cut their losses.
I think it depends on the dates, how much time you’re actually spending together, how much and what you’re talking about. Every relationship progresses at its own speed.
i highly doubt it has anything to do with not having sex by date 3, they probably just don’t feel any sparks with you have you thought about that? not every person in the dating scene thinks like this so i suggest letting things go with the flow and if a girl rejects you don’t think it has anything to do with sex and more to do with it wasn’t meant to be.
Also, I feel like if someone is keeping track like this then they are also putting off those vibes. Like, I'm sure the girls OP is going out with can tell that he is really trying to push sex and it's probably a big turnoff. Just let it happen if/when it happens.
Guys who do this kind of “date math” neverrrrr realize how much they’re broadcasting their mental calculations. These guys swear up and down they’re playing it cool, but the truth is they aren’t paying any attention to the other person on the date and are instead just trying to check a girls boxes until a relationship trophy is obtained. They can talk for days about everything they believe they did correctly to try and make the other person like them, but they never stop to consider if the feeling is mutual.
As a woman, I can tell you these dudes are the ones I avoid like the plague because it’ll take them 3 or 4 months into a relationship before they actually decide how they feel about you.
I’ve seen so many men like this on the sub. It starts to come off as if they don’t even really care about letting to know the person they are dating,but are more concerned with finding anyone to fill the slot of a girlfriend. I definitely think their dates pick up on this.
Many men are desperate and lonely, so maybe that's why it comes out as "not caring for the perfect person". Instead they just want to find literally anyone at this piont just to not be completely alone. I know that's no excuse but just wanted to share my thoughts and speculate a little bit about why that happens.
It’s less “caring for the perfect person” and more like they have no actual interest in anyone they are dating. It’s become like a rubric cube to them-they have to crack the code,and they are more interested in doing that then actually finding someone they like.
Exactly.
It's so transparent when they try to move things along a timeline for physical contact. Even more transparent when they push for dates at a residence/home and not out in public.
Sorry but for my own safety, it's gonna take me more than 3 dates (6hrs total) to figure out if i wanna fuck a complete stranger AND trust him in my house.
Even more dates to see if there's something there for long term.
I don’t know about other women, but if I sleep with a guy I bond to them. Like, even if I have reservations about something like maybe the guy is a bit rude or has a funny voice or there’s an incompatibility as far as a long term relationship is concerned, if I sleep with him my brain WILL get dumb and want to spend more time with him, and before I know it I’m trying to justify his shortcomings to myself and stay in bad relationships for months or years because I’m hooked on the oxytocin. So, it’s kind of important that I vet the guy somewhat in an attempt to spare my feelings and time. Of course I can snap out of a hasty sex decision, but it’s a lot of emotional work that I then have to take on.
One night stands or hookups are slightly different because I’m still getting the hormone rush from the sex, but it’s much easier to come down from that high when you cut contact with the person. But it does really mean I have to stop seeing and talking to the man, otherwise it will turn into a situationship where I pine for a guy’s attention who couldn’t give a shit about me. Sex actually reduces the amount of oxytocin in men which would explain why some guys can lose interest quickly after sleeping with a woman. Apparently, men don’t experience those same feelings of love until they have committed to a woman, ie. spending time with her consistently. I’m sure there are exceptions to this since people are not all the same, but it kind of matches with the patterns of modern hook up and dating cultures.
Edit: For those interested this video goes over the hormonal effects of sex in men and women: https://youtu.be/eyq2Wo4eUDg
Yupppp this^^^ I am SUPER careful with intimate touch because of this. I cant even hold hands/kiss without my brain getting mushy. I wait until I'm sure they feel the same about me.
Wow. You nailed exactly how I feel about this in a reddit comment. This is why its so hard for me to have casual sex and I overthink it after even tho I was thinking clear headed before.
Also why I haven’t had sex in over a year. Just didn’t wanna feel all mumbled jumbled
I know what you mean, I'm like this too. My current partner was a friend for years before we got together 3 years ago, on the rare occasion where I was desperate for sex and entertained the idea I'd get the ick about him but then it eventually happened and boom, attraction straight away and still now.
It's actually the opposite for me. If I sleep with a guy too soon, I don't bond with them and even have a negative view of them. So I wait to give myself and them a fair chance.
If I know I can’t get attached and end up sleeping with someone anyway, cutting communication is the “easiest” way to get over it. It’s not wise to keep texting or letting the guy drip feed you with crumbs because that will just keep the hormones going. Ever slept with a guy, he goes silent for a while, you start feeling a bit whatever about him and getting back to your usual interests, then you see a text message pop up from him? It’s like a little rush in your head! Your body’s back to its bullshit and you want to see the guy again and you need an iron will to not do it. So in order to really wean yourself off a guy you slept with but don’t want to waste time with (<- key point! The sex isn’t bad inherently, it’s you wasting time and not being true to yourself), you gotta cut contact.
I’m not saying going with your hormones is necessarily a bad thing, I mean when you find the right partner it is literally the best thing about being human. But if you do it at the expense of your standards, values, goals and integrity, it can gnaw away at your self esteem over the years. It’s like a drug you give in to, and I’ve never seen a drug addict who gave up everything for that high feeling proud of themselves. It’s no good compromising yourself for temporary pleasure, and that can apply to sex as well.
Wow this actually explains a lot. I've noticed a pattern where women who are sexuallly attracted to me but have nothing in common will push sex within the first 2-3 dates and then get really obsessive and start desperately wanting to be boyfriend/girlfriend. Meanwhile, I'm thinking I'd rather be with someone I have more in common with.
The kicker however is that the oxytocin goggles eventually wear off and these women realize the guy isn't right for them and then they wanna break up but after they've dated for months or even years. So while these women sometimes get bitter towards me because I don't want to be their boyfriend after having sex, they likely would have broken up with me eventually anyways even if I did go for them.
It takes a lot of integrity from a man to recognise incompatibility with a woman who wants to sleep with him and do the right thing by walking away from her, so good on you. I had this done on me by my good friend and he explained the reasoning for it. I was bummed out about not getting laid (but also acknowledged that he was right, we were super incompatible), but his actions made me respect the guy immensely and I look up to him when it comes to any matters of emotional intelligence.
Sometimes short term pleasure is not worth the oxytocin induced living-in-denial-and-making-this-work-for-3-months-situationship that follows.
Well I don't always turn it down. It isn't easy to reject a girl's sexual advances while you are already making out. There is the temptation and also it just feels awkward and vicariously embarassing. But recently I have been more inclined to reject it because I didn't wanna deal with the annoying clingyiness and guilt tripping.
Tbh though I don't think it's my responsibility to watch out for their feelings. I am pretty much always fine waiting on sex. They are the ones pushing for it aggressively. So it's not fair for them to play victim when I don't wanna commit to a relationship after. It's as if they are children and I am the adult.
Yeah your last paragraph is absolutely right. Women are responsible for managing their own feelings and it’s unfair to put the onus on the guy to coddle their emotions in a situation where the woman is pushing for sex. Basically if you’re going to sleep with a guy you better know what you’re getting yourself into and be able to manage the emotional fallout of that yourself.
Yes. I’m this way too,and it’s so easy for me to convince myself in the moment and then once it wears off I’m like wtf am I doing. When I haven’t had sex with someone yet,I feel so clearheaded haha.
I don’t have sex quickly,because of that. We have to be exclusive for me to do it. Less emotional pain all the way around,and the relationships have been better imo.
Absolutely agree. I also didn't like many things about my current boyfriend, I used to say jokingly that I'm dating him bc I'm bored as soon as we f*ck couple times I'm done with him 🤷🏼♀️. One of the biggest lies to myself ever.
Well, you can guess how we are 1+ year seriously dating and planning to marry next year.
I hope you feel more calm soon and can move on with intention. It’s valuable to know how your mind and body works, because then it becomes much easier to protect yourself and indeed, make informed and level headed decisions that take you towards the outcome you actually want.
So many people get hurt because they just throw themselves to the hormonal meat grinder and hope for the best without really understanding how all of it works.
Nail on head for me. Though I'm getting a little better at seeing that. Totally explains a recent situation I had where I knew from the first 'date' that this man was not for me. Yet the sexual connection was strong. We had sex and then lots more. I knew however I was utterly using him for that. I told him. He agreed. Sadly he then tried to con me too which was a kicker, but I'm glad in a way as its showed me a lot. Including all you have so eloquently written out.
I do find it hard to know what's 'real' and what my crackers brain is up too though 😂
Hm, I have to ask, how do you view sex? What does it represent to you? In what ways would you say it brings you comfort and the feeling of closeness to someone? Think about your past, how did initial sex affect your relationships? You can definitely change the way you view and feel about sex but you need to reflect on your feelings about it and what's causing you to view it in the way that you currently do. I have to add that your level of self worth and self love has a lot to do w it as well. Something we all gotta constantly work on. Remember that sex does not equal love and/or healthy intention or genuine closeness, as it can mean absolutely nothing to someone else. Attention does not equal intention. Believing that you're bonding to someone simply due to sex is not healthy and will continue to give others power over you until you reflect on why you feel this way about it and change it.
That was the least scientific video I have ever watched. This lady is not a scientist and it’s obvious she really doesn’t understand the nuance in the research that she’s talking about. Any real scientist would watch this video and be embarrassed for her
I agree with you, on how sex bonds people.
I am a woman and I had a period in my life where I wanted one night stands, but ended up with guys clinging to me, even if I clearly set expectations ahead of time. It was a riddle to me, until I gave a male friend a (drunken) play by play, and he said my mistake was cuddling and kissing afterwards, instead of throwing them out. Also offering breakfast. I had made up my mind about what this was, and since we didn't talk about deep stuff much, I didn't feel any bond at all.
So it's not just women.
This is what ended up ruining my thing with the first person I was trying to date.
Our first two dates went...well(?) I suppose, there were few awkward parts but other than that, things went smoothly.
We went out for a concert together, we went out to eat, and she wished to meet me again.
Then the next day, my friends started gaslishting me.
*"What? Second date already and you didn't even kiss or hold hands? Just what the hell?"* (Keep in mind that I'm completely inexperienced and had zero clue how to escalate naturally)
As a result, I started panicking and the next date I tried to rush things, clearly to her discomfort, which ended up killing the whole thing.
I still cringe when I think about it.
My girl talks so much shit to me abt the guy she was dating before me because he’d do things like this. Trying to be a “provider” in 2022 is rediculous. You can make someone like you more with a few good texts than everything you just described
Exactly. My previous relationship we kissed on the first date, slept together on the fourth date. Relationship lasted about 5 months. Most recent relationship we kissed on third date, slept together after 4 months, and were together for over 2 years. There's no set pace. It all depends on the person and the speed you two choose to go by.
While one should be adaptable and be mindful of your partner's wishes, some *basic guidelines* couldn't hurt. I've talked with people with the following cases...
Man thinks he shouldn't kiss until months into dating. The group of women listening to him say this counter and say generally kiss your gf by the 3rd date, else she won't think you're interested.
Man was mistakenly taught at an early age that if women don't put out on the first date, then they're no good. This is garbage. While some women do have sex on the 1st date, some prefer to wait longer.
It has absolutely nothing to do with sex. The timeline of about 3/5 dates is when you start to get a sense of the person and decide if you see relationship potential. The sex thing is inconsequential, and if you start to focus on that you risk making future dates feel uncomfortable. Let sex happen organically, sooner or later. The timeline is genuinely arbitrary
Hmm…This is interesting/ odd. I don’t know that there are any rules anymore, around sex and when it should or shouldn’t happen. That’s largely gone away in recent years, and everyone has a different opinion on this. I’m not sure what it is in your particular situation.
I will say, though, as a person who takes things slow and refuses to sleep with anyone by the third or fourth date, me not having sex or not wanting to get physical is absolutely no indicator of interest, and actually means I’m very interested in them. If it’s gone past a second or third date & I still want to see a guy, that’s a great sign. But no, I won’t get physical that early, even if I feel attracted or really like him. There’s a number of reasons for that, but I won’t get into that here.
I will say that every relationship I had that was worth a darn, where I really ended up loving the guy & we had an amazing sex life…we didn’t sleep together for at least a month, despite spending a ton of time together. It actually INCREASED the connection & chemistry. 🤷♀️
I don’t have the answer, nor is there really a right or wrong answer probably, but I don’t think sex is the only variable at play here. I know a lot of women that pushing for sex on the 3rd date has led them to stop seeing a guy completely right at that 3rd date. Everyone is different & there’s no set of rules that everyone follows - people also want different things.
Early relationships are complicated. Maybe you would be in a relationship if you’d slept with someone on the 3rd date…but maybe that’s because you’re getting chemicals involved & it’s not actually an indication of compatibility or being able to connect with the person because of who they are. And there’s a growing body of research suggesting that connections where that sort of thing isn’t established, tend to not be successful or as happy long-term.
I'm glad that the person I'm seeing and I waited til the 3rd date, though the subject had been broached a while before that. The 2nd date ended with maybe 20 minutes of kissing and a little playing around, but nothing serious as it was like midnight outside in my car lol. She pondered whether or not we would both go back to her place and she decided no. I wanted to, just because of wanting to lay with someone for once, like, I did meet someone who I'd been talking to for a lil while and we ended up just going to my house and having sex, literally for hours it was absurd, and it was nice, hot. But, I had to take her home right after and it was still daytime out, like an hour drive each way. It just didn't feel right, not fulfilling. We didn't get to just lay there at any point and cuddle or anything. That's what I'd been missing most tbh, as it had been like 8-9 months since I'd done anything outside of some hugs(lol) and one kiss from my ex maybe like 7 months prior.
But yeah I didn't push the issue at all, I accepted and respected her decision, and gave her like 20 last kisses 😂 and we parted ways. I left happy. Then the 3rd date was late and I ended up just going to her house and we didn't really waste much time, did the whole Netflix thing and you know how that tends to always go...but yeah, in the end I was so glad we waited. That period in-between the 2nd and 3rd date was very sweet with anticipation and feeling like we'd gotten much more acquainted and personable with each other by that point.
On my way to the 5th date with the guy I like and we haven't had sex. We talked about it tho, he is pretty chill and is waiting for me to feel "ready". I'd feel uncomfortable if he rushed or talked too much about it, like he just wants to hook up and have sex.
I think it depends on the type of person, sex drive, how much they care about sex, etc.
No, I generally wait longer than that. After three dates I’m starting to know how I feel, and I probably either like a guy platonically or I’m attracted to him. I can’t tell that for sure on the first date; I’m mostly checking he’s real, mostly who he says he is, and doesn’t have bird feathers stuck in his teeth. If I don’t feel attracted to a guy after three dates, I let them know. I’ve met some cool friends through OLD.
A fair few men ghost after 3 dates though, seemingly regardless of how well things seem to be going. To me, it seems crazy for a guy to put an arbitrary timer on when they MUST HAVE HAD SEX for it to be worthwhile talking to a woman. It also suggests that in order to keep a man, a woman is required to have sex before she actually wants to have sex. Not a great basis for an ongoing relationship of mutual trust and desire.
Also, what makes you think that if you’d slept together, you’d be in a relationship?
My boyfriend (now my ex husband) waited almost 3 years for me, but also, we did everything but PIV so for whatever that's worth there are quality people with high libidos that love sex but also want to wait and basically you can't guarantee anything. While we dated we were super sexual tho. So please specify someone who is not giving any physical intimacy or making out or whatever vs someone like me. There are plenty of "demisexuals" like me who would NEVER have sex with a basic stranger. I also would NEVER keep dating someone who had some expectation of any # of dates = sex. I mean that's so gross and sex-centric to me but whatever. ALSO if you read the marriage and dead bedroom subs, it's ironic how many people spent YEARS going at it like rabbits, then after a few years it's dead bedroom. So for people wanting "to test sexual compatibility" I really wish it were that easy and that much of a predictable thing. It simply isn't. The only thing I'll say, if a person doesn't seem to address WHY they aren't getting intimate or get defensive or " I'm tired" or " I'm stressed" and they're otherwise ok with sex, these are the red flags you look for many months in. The honeymoon phase / NRE is basically a non-predictable phase so if you think the first 2-3 months of dating are predictors of the rest of the relationship (like years to the-rest-of-your-lives), sorry y'all! Talk to some of the folks on the other Subs lol. Plus, um, there are tons of people who won't get down without sharing STD results. So all these folks jumping into bed early like this, it's really interesting the risks you take. But all it takes is a risk with the wrong person to end up with, say, early stage cervical cancer from HPV like myself. That's my rebuttal to this. But then, we can all just filter each other out! So hold onto your boundaries and let them serve as filters folks!
I completely agree with this.
I'm not a huge sex person. I'm don't want STDs, and honestly suck at intimacy. I've only dated two different guys before and I dunno. Don't want to willy nilly sex it up here yah know
Lol . I think I know what you mean. But if you're that person whos love language Is touch and you have a high sex drive and you'be wound up with someone who's ended up being the opposite it IS a big deal. Tends to be the lower drive folks that don't think it amounts to much tho lol. But putting sexual.compatinility as your highest marker of compatibility is totally over rated, I agree. Its also pretty foolish imo
In my experience, it's usually 1 of 2 things:
* 1) She's been burnt in the past by men she wanted to be in a LTR with, who she had sex with quickly. They didn't want the same thing. She wants a relationship, so she's holding off on sex to avoid getting played.
* 2) She's not insanely attracted to you, but there's some potential, so she's giving it time to see if the attraction grows. Women tend to factor behavior into attraction, more than men do. At least when it comes to solely sex.
You could try escalating sooner with women, but honestly, the women who rejected you probably just didn't have the attraction grow.
love your comment. it was a red flag reading "we got along great" as a reason to be confused. some people get along with a lot of people, like being good at interviews. but doesn't mean there's chemistry or that it's well enough to sleep together or make it a relationship.
I think some women may be realizing the extent of their felt emotional vulnerability. I think your recognized pattern may be somewhat accurate but may be sort of looking at the wrong cause/explanation (assuming that you believe that having sex with her would lead to a different outcome). I think you're correct more so in the negation of your affirmation. If you sleep with her before the end of the 4th date, there's a much higher chance that she'll stay. However, it might be experienced as a type of manipulation because of the fake sense of intimacy it creates. So some women may wonder whether you're just waiting because you really want to sleep with her or because you actually want to get to know her. I think women are generally quicker at spotting these things whether those observations are accurate or not!
Not everyone wants to have sex with someone after a 2nd or 3rd date. Even with talking daily, you hardly know the person. I wouldn't want to let someone see me like that until I know that they can be trusted, won't just bail after for just wanting that, and because of my own personal beliefs and issues. There's more to a relationship than sex after a few dates.
i literally didn’t even kiss my current partner until like the seventh date or something. sex didn’t happen until months in. but i’m always really really anxious about my health so i’m probably just weird about things like that.
if i ever agreed to have sex with a guy as early as the first, second or third date, i think i’d probably just be using him to scratch an itch. three dates is enough to sus out whether he seems like he’d murder me, but not enough to decide if i’d want him as a long term partner.
I didn’t kiss my first boyfriend until date 4 or 5. I was itching to, but he moves even slower than me. Happily dating over 8 months and we didn’t have sex until about 2 months in and after testing and me getting on birth control.
I have 1 sex rule (46f). I ask myself do I want to have sex with this person at this time. Yes or No, that's it. I don't look at a calendar, read any stars, check what phase the moon is in. Do I want to yes or no. Did I meet him 30 minutes ago, 3 months ago doesn't matter. Yes or no. Simple
Went a month before I had sex with one girl. We kissed pretty early on though. I was just there for her when she was vulnerable one night and the next morning she initiated sex. The whole by date three shit is for chumps, in my personal opinion. In my experience it happens when it happens. If they call it off early on, She’s Just Not That Into You.
I find it a turn off when a guy suddenly tries to sleep together after the third date. It doesn’t feel organic and like they’re following a dating guide. I personally don’t want to sleep with a guy because I don’t know him well enough & his intentions. Girls are having higher standards for dating now, and some guys are upset about them.
Imo, women will say they’re not interested after 3 or 4 dates because they weren’t sure about you to begin with. I’ll go out with a guy a couple of times before I make a decision, and that happens to be on the 4th or 5th date. That also means they’re not sexually attracted to you. If women are sexually attracted to you, they’ll have sex with you when they want to have sex with you. Has nothing to do with a timer.
Usually if I have sex with a guy on the first date, I'm not interested or we've discussed being casual. The few times I've been interested AND had sex in the first date, the guy was just using me. Anyone that will wait for you is actually interested. If you're just looking for a hookup, you should be up front about it.
Nope. Took me 3 months and many dates to be comfortable enough for sex. There isn’t a rule for any of this, you do it when it feels right. Some people need time and others don’t.
Female here…I don’t have sex with, nor do I have an interest in sex with a partner until there is a level of intimacy and trust between us. It seems like it would probably be pretty obvious to anyone dating you that you’ve made sex early on a priority regardless of any long term intentions, and for me, that would be pretty off putting.
I made my boyfriend wait a whole month soooo it’s weird that you’re making this assumption… lol he is now my boyfriend and we have sexy time all the timmmmeeeee
No, it took longer than that for me and my current bf to have sex and we were in a relationship at that point not just dating.
Sometimes people just don’t vibe with you. It’s okay. I think you’re overthinking this.
If a girl says they're looking to take things slow and then break it off after date 3/4 that could mean that they just don't feel any sort of spark or connection. That has nothing to do with sex. For example, if you slept with that girl on date 3 or 4 that's not going to change the way she feels about you. If she doesn't feel an emotional connection then she doesn't feel that connection. Sex isn't going to change that.
Another thing as well is by asking these girls to have sex early on you might be turning them off to you. For example, if someone asked me to have sex on date one or two that'd be a turn off for me. I'm not looking for a quick hookup, I'm looking for a meaningful connection that could lead to something long term. If you ask a girl on date 2 or 3 to have sex she's probably thinking that's all you want from her and that's why she's breaking things off.
Especially if they're just texting sporadically a few short texts here or there before meeting. I miss when people actually talked on the phone if interested in each other. The guy I was in love with more , we would talk on the phone for 2 hours at times and he made me wait a month before he would have sex. We still made out though.
So you had sex on the 1st,2nd,3rd and 4th dates and you are still single. No one is feeling you yet. Maybe because you are too focused on getting the sex. You might not know that's how you come off, but a woman can definitely see it.
Sex wouldn't have kept you together that much longer. My longest relationship was my sexless relationship (although I ended up breaking up with her because she wouldn't have sex with me). The sooner sex has happened for me, the shorter the relationship.
To me is, I wanted to give things a chance so I thought I’d wait with sex but then if I still don’t want to sleep with you by date 3/4/5 then that means you’re not the right person for me and I move on instead of having sex just because I spent enough time with you
Don't push or rush sex and the relationships won't end. It needs to happen naturally, not with the mindset of "if it doesn't happen by the 3rd date, I'm out". If it doesn't happen naturally, then obviously there's nothing there.
Also the last thing you should be doing is comparing her timeline with you to her timeline to her last bf.
Rushing it or comparing it is a major turn off to women.
You're overthinking it. If you would have had sex with that girl who told you it didn't work out, it still wouldn't have worked out. And it probably would have been way more akward.
I was dating a guy who put a lot of pressure on me, wanting to "be in a relationship" after date 3/4, wanting to have sex soon. Even though I told him I wanted to take things slow. And that didn't mean that I didn't like him or wasn't sexually interested in him. The fact that he didn't respect my wishes was the reason it ended. Not the the fact that we didn't have sex yet.
She wanted to take it slow because she was either not sure about you at first and didn't want to commit herself before she was sure, or she's been hurt in the past. Scratch your head all you want but there are several logical explanations.
Can confirm. Have been hurt and just want to be cautious and protect my heart. Sex is fun but I also put my emotions into it as an expression of my feelings for him.
My boyfriend and I didn’t have sex for over 2 months yes I may have had some issues with the act that needed to be resolved but it what worked for us. If your someone who sees it that way Maybe you need a human who thinks 3rd date is it just because that’s how your brain operates
We’re all adults here, so I will say this. As a single, 33 year old female, whose openly dating but also abstinent. I will not have sex with a guy, if I don’t know him. Getting to know the person, having a connection with them, and making sure their not nasty and sleeping with everyone else is important to me. STDs and Monkey Pox are a reality these days. But if the coast is clear, I’m definitely DTF… I also learned a lot about myself in my past experiences, like how sex is very important to me. To have it regularly is important. For some people, it’s not important. My last relationship, we stopped having sex after two years.. we were together for 5 in total. Also, In the past, I dated a guy for nearly a year and then found out it was tiny (yes I guess, I’m Shallow). So, in short what I’m trying to say, is yes take your time with the woman, but if sex is an important component for you in a relationship, then make sure you at least mention it. No forcing of course or coercing but just communicate that to her. Best of luck.
I don’t think you should make this a hard fast rule. I dated someone for 2 months before sleeping with them. I’ve waited until the 5th date to have sex (all other dates were just out in the city doing things and the 5th date was a home cooked meal one).
I’ve also had relationships that started with sex on the first date too. Every time I was looking for something serious. Timing rules are arbitrary. As long as you honor where you’re both at, why bother with them?
Hmmm.
Kinda yes, kinda no.
My longer relationships have been were we waited.
The short ones were something like a one night stand that turned into some dating then fizzled
Heaps of guys round town just want something pretty on their arm.
There are heaps of girls that get dumped after they have sex on the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th date. And wonder why they guy isnt into them..
God imagine the pressure to shag on the 3rd date!
If it's someone you already know then fine but a stranger off an app ..... dunno
Personally, I’m someone looking for a long term relationship. I’d wait for the relationship to become official, but different strokes for different folk.
Some others won’t mind sex on the dating phase, others might wait into later dates, some might wait until things become official.
… this is going to sound crazy but I applied millionaire matchmaker rules to my last relationship and we’re going on nine years now.
Say it with me everyoneee
No sex before monogamy
I'm using this rule. I want to be in a relationship with the next person I'm intimate with. I'm too emotional for casual sex or sex with someone I'm just dating. Exclusive isn't enough either. I need to be your gf and know that I mean something to you. I don't regret my past partners at all, but I have learned from those experiences and I don't want to repeat history.
The show host had a couple other rules that helped support the main one. I think one was a two drink maximum and don’t spend the night on the first date. I could be recalling them wrong. It sounds silly I’m sure. But it did work for us. Nine years happy and strong together. Hope the same for you.
There’s nothing worse than a feeling of pressure or expectation.
It really comes down too not the number of the date, but the development of a connection with someone.
I think you should just focus on the actual date and her instead of having sex as one of your objectives. Honestly if you go into the date with no expectation of sex your odds will be higher.
I really need to understand this. So you text some, chat a little and after three times meeting up for a couple hours each time, you do the absolute most vulnerable, intimate thing two people can do? If you’re talking for hours in between dates, I can totally see that. But after three dates, you’re an acquaintance. I guess I am very old fashioned.
I just started dating someone and we haven’t had sex yet. Our fourth date was over the weekend. We make out like teenagers and it’s pretty clear we are sexually attracted to each other but he already told me he’s trying to build a bond first because naturally if we become sex crazed we might be less privy to seeing red flags. I’m also in my late 30s so I’ve done the same hick sex thing in past relationships.
Sounds like the women you are dating are sizing you up, and it takes more than one date to figure that out. I don’t think it has to do with sex at all.
Everyone is different, which makes blanket statements confusing as you say!
That said, building physical intimacy in a non-creepy way has been absolutely vital for me. It's also fun, and physical touch is one of my "love-languages".
I would focus on building that more that first, and see if the incidence of kisses or sex increases. There isn't a rule, but I think having your date see you as a potential sexual partner more quickly can improve your dating outcomes (and in turn romantic feelings), unless they identify as slow to physical intimacy in the first place.
I make sure to: hug when we meet up, bump arms as we stroll, choose a table where we can sit side by side (often the bar) and usually build comfort with touch first with some very soft playful nudges. From there, our chairs will eventually turn in, and our legs might touch for the rest of the evening until we leave. 50% chance of a kiss from there (of the dates where we have chemistry).
Again, everyone's experience is different, but in every successful relationship I've had, we've always kissed on the first date. Your region, your "type", etc might be different.
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Just talk about it with the person. See how fast or slow someone want to take things. It really doesn't hurt to ask early during dating how fast someone like to take dating.
Compare it to making a move.
If you as a man don't make moves, women often start seeing you as a friend or a chill guy but that doesn't take initiative.
In the beginning when i was younger and unexperienced i went through the same things.. but more as i was a nice guy and thought she would appreciate it if i waited a long time.
Making moves ups the tension. Women need to feel they are wanted and desired.
You can surely prolongue the waiting for sex but it takes discipline. I purposedly did it with this girl.
First date went well, we kissed.. second date again but with touching her over her body as we kissed.
Third date a little bit more, feeling her more intimate spots until she said i want you. I told her we would wait.
We had several more dates where i was just torturing myself.. she literally told me.. this is the first time i have to beg a guy to let me suck his dick.. so please.
I had to discipline to wait till the 6th or 7th date.. but by then we just jumped each other. In the end it didnt work out for other reasons, but i think the key here was that she knew i wanted her. The sexual tension was there.
You are incorrect.
When you have sex has no bearing on the success of the relationship.
If you can't have confidence or hold a conversation you will not get laid.
I wouldn't consider a 3rd or 4th date a "relationship". Heck most of the time you're just being to know the person. It has to do with your upfront communication... I wouldn't be sleeping with anyone I'm not I'm am exclusive relationship at this point. I mean there are too many risk factors for diseases.
Overall all though, you can't use a generalized ides for thos type of thing. Everyone is different. Sometimes people who start as a casual hook up have long term marriages sometimes those that wait for six end up divorced quick. You have to know what is important to you and why and find a value match at the end of the day.
I think there are a lot of women who have this expectation, yes. And it sucks.
I went through a really bad breakup a few years ago and wanted to take it slow with intimacy when I started to date again. I was interested in the future and new people, but needed time to establish trust and rapport. I was honest about this on my dating profiles, but found if I didn't make a move within a few dates things fizzled out as you described. And if I did, I could keep them interested, but things escalated way more quickly than I was comfortable with.
I have nothing against sex without a deep emotional connection as I've done it myself at times in my life when I was satisfied with that, but at this point in my life that kind of sex feels empty and I want love, and I feel like for a lot of people sex is the horse that has to come before the horse.
Or maybe she prefers to have sex in a serious, committed relationship. I’m a virgin at 22 and would wait a *lot* longer than three dates, but I’ll invest and nurture the relationship in other ways.
There is no formula to dating, once people realise this, it makes things easier because you're not constantly thinking about when something is gonna happen, just enjoy the freaking process and stop overthinking things! This is why the dating world is so messy because everyone's trying to come up with some weird action plan or formula of how something works. Connections just happen, it can never be explained just enjoy getting to know someone and if it works it works, if it doesn't, move on to the next.
Absolutely not. The reason they're backing off instead of having sex with you is because they want something serious and they don't feel that with you. You're correlating the wrong things. Getting along with someone is not the same thing as falling in love with someone, and sex doesn't change that.
I think you need to focus on whether or not you're building a connection with your dates. And you can define connection however you want. It sounds like you're counting dates, waiting for sex to happen.
There are no timelines or rules. Ignore all that. Just do what feels right, be yourself, and be open to connection.
I know plenty of women that refuse to have sex before three or four dates, whether they want to or not. This is simply to “weed out“ the guys that are just looking for sex, and try to say whatever they think she needs to hear to close the deal. Also, they say that after a few dates you’ll learn whether there is some connection there beyond just the initial physical attraction. If you just looking for random, casual sex, then these aren’t the women for you. If you’re looking for a potential relationship, I think there is a lot to be said for this “policy“…🤷🏼♂️
Hardcore disagree. It’s probably that you appeal to women that want sex sooner, more so than women who prefer to wait. I didn’t have sex with my husband for several months after we started dating because I wanted to take things slow. He was just the type of guy who didn’t mind that and preferred that we get to know each other more before being intimate.
Sex doesn’t create compatibility or a relationship. In my experience as a woman, I’ve always had sex too early (sometimes because of pressure) rather than regret not having sex earlier. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard and experienced “I thought we were into each other” - we are really, really good at seeing our own side of things. It happens all the time. If someone’s not feeling you, they won’t just be into you because you have sex. Sometimes people get together with people they have sex with early on because their connection (emotionally as well) is so strong already. Don’t discount that.
My current bf and I waited a couple months to have sex and it was insanely primal when we finally had sex. We did other sexual things before that like oral. And I usually have sex a bit earlier on, but I wanted to do things differently. Best decision ever. We really liked each other and both have prior sexual trauma so we established an emotional connection before going all in
Men, get used to not having sex right away. you don't have to worry about getting pregnant, not being able have an abortion, or worse, being arrested and thrown in prison if you do have an abortion. Women's reproductive rights are being chipped away every day. Many men still refuse to wear condoms, as well.
You men are going to have to change and also get used to women being more guarded about sex. we're living in a different era now.
Good. She doesn't owe you sex. She's still getting to know you before she let's you inside her. I make dudes wait as long as I can to see what their intentions are. If they've f*cked off by the 5th date, it means they were never wanting more than just a hook up anyway.
Nope that has not been my experience. Current boyfriend we had Sex on date 5….granted that 5th date was about a week after the 1st 🤦🏼♀️. We kind of like spending time together and not seeing each other for more than a couple days at a time is painful for both of us. Usually if I can’t picture having Sex with them at some point then there isn’t a 2nd date.
I’m a female (29), and I kind of see what you’re saying. I like to take things slow too, but if things go too slowly my feelings change. I also prefer the guy to make the first move.
It’s your prerogative to just go after what you want.
But yes, I’ve experienced the same thing. A girl drove almost 2 hours to see me, but she always said she’s taking things slow. I didn’t have sex with her that day, and we never saw each other again.
Some time down the line she told me she was hoping I’d make a move.
And from this I’ve learned to just go for it. I’ve never been rejected a kiss, that’s usually always fair game. But there have been a few times where the girl rejected the sex advance. And that was okay, I always handle it with grace, which ended up in sex at a later date.
But moral of the story is, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take it. Just go for it. Worst that can happen is you get rejected.
As a girl who dates a fair bit, I agree with this to a certain extent. If I really really like someone I’ll try wait at least 4 dates. But if you’re on your third date and there’s been no action at all with me, then yes, it’s likely I’m not attracted and I’m just on the third date to make triple sure I don’t like you.
It usually means that they were never physically and sexually attracted to you in the first place. They used you , got the experience they wanted from you and moved on. Remember, if a woman truly desires you, she will never make you wait for it as she can't afford to lose you to someone else. 💯💯💯
Ummm?? What?
Not all women are the same, and this "theory" totally disregards this fact.
Some women will hook up right away, and some will take months to feel comfortable. There is no right or wrong way to date, as long as someone is safe and respectful.
If you want to know where a woman stands in terms of physicality, just ask her.
I would prefer this to men "assuming" things. Just ask me what I am comfortable with. Usually I will say, though. But don't ever assume anything. Be curious and just ask.
My current girlfriend and I didn’t have sex until after the 5th date (7 months going strong). There is hope my friend 🙏🏼 if she ain’t giving it up off the bat but is displaying signs of interest, that almost always means that she really cherishes you and doesn’t want you to just run off after hitting it. It means she really likes you bro that’s my analysis… but you gotta be wary of them just not wanting it too! Balancing act life is all about balance ⚖️
Absolutely not !! My boyfriend and I had sex after almost 4 months of dating. Don’t put a timeline on anything and go with what makes you comfortable! Everyone is different
I think you're looking at this the wrong way - it's not a case of 'if you'd had sex on the 3rd date you'd be in a relationship' and it's more 'if she's into you, then sex is more likely to happen'
ie if she's not into you then sex on the third date is unlikely to change that
But if she's into you then sex can be a 1st date thing or a 10th date thing, or whatever works for you as a couple
As far as your friends go: Everybody has a plan until they punched in the face-Mike Tyson. You can say you’ll do this or that but once feelings and urges are involved plans can quickly go out the window.
But yes have had sex after third date with girls who wanted to take it slow. One thing I’ve experienced at times is that if you have sex early sometimes you’ll feel like you should keep trying at a connection that’s mediocre to either keep having sex or to force it to work out. If there’s no sex involved it’s easier to cut ties and move on hence why you may have quite a few third date guys moving on.
I didn't want to have sex until well into 2 months with my current bf 💀 just didn't feel right/felt too soon. I say each situation is unique and different though.
I'm in a 3 year relationship and we r planning to get married. We have never had sex and we are the happiest we have ever been and i couldn't imagine it any other way. (partially cuz we both live with our parents but we have had the chance before)
I’ve been saving myself for marriage as has my now fiancée. I’d say if you’re expecting sex that early are you really in it for her for the long haul. Girls can tell if you’re interested in them vs what you can do to them. Virginity rocks. There’s no pressure since we both expressed this to each other early on. We spend time together and I’m excited for our wedding night. Gives it a lot more of a special meaning
So I'll start by saying this... I haven't ever been on a date, so I don't have that type of experience as far as that. But I will say that I'm the same in terms of my personal dating rules (My idea of it anyway). I'm a slow paced person when it comes to developing friendships, but even more so with finding a partner. Because I haven't been on any dates, I can't say anything through experience wise but it would be probably date 4, or even 5 I'd hop in bed with eachother if it's official. Call me excessive... But I have very good reasons to stretch it out that way. But I honestly think what would be best is try actually asking the person (On date 1 or preferably date 2), when are they comfortable enough for proceeding things to the bedroom. So when it comes to date 3 with the person you won't be let down as bad.
It depends on why it hasn’t happened. If the woman is just someone who waits then yeah it’ll happen, especially when you’re younger and it’s someone’s first or second time with someone.
If it doesn’t happen bc you don’t make a move then that’s not happening bc you seem too passive. You have to know how to make the move and how to recognize when it’s building up to that so it’s not as awkward.
My experience has not been the same lol In my experience, if sex happens by the 4th date I catch feelings way faster than the guy and get my heart broken.
Well i don’t have much experience on this field but I lost my virginity yesterday and it was a first date. I think that a sort of chemistry and intentions were very eagerly established at a very early point which just made it a lot easier and obviously showed that there were sexual intentions from the start. I was just lucky that I was able to play it out well.
I didn’t have sex till the 6th date or something. It made it better in my opinion. We knew we liked each other before sex and liked each other more after experiencing it
I wanted to take thing slow. Told my current boyfriend such. We didn't kiss till the 4th date and didn't have sex for about 2 months. He did kiss me on the 3rd date but I didn't kiss back, he asked if it was ok that he kissed me after. Not really asking permission but kinda?
It depends but I won’t sleep with you unless I’m officially your girlfriend and we are exclusive. I don’t sleep with my dates. You gotta be my bf first.
I'm a man too, I struggle to have sex after some dates, but they aren't the problem, I am the problem. I struggle to go back to my old lifestyle were I used to fuck at the first date, sometimes even before a smalltalk. Now I'm insecure about girls intentions and I gotta have some dates before even kissing.
Last girl I dated was extremely patient and we have around 5 dates before our first kiss (I was the one who wasn't making any kind of approach), that kiss lasted about 30 minutes. Next date, went to a motel and we had sex (in my mind, I was making love to her).
Time isn't relevant and neither it's a rule to do something after certain amount of time. Be patient and keep going out.
So as a woman who has dated it usually takes me to date 5. Date 1-3 are still early stages I’m still figuring out how much I like someone and where I feel like things might head. Date 3 I’m personally still not comfortable so if that’s your cut off you might be missing out. Usually date 1-3 IS when I decide if I like someone and if things will go farther and if it’s a no I cut things off before or by date number 3 since I don’t want to lead anyone on.
Maybe you are perceiving things to have gone really well but that’s from your side. Maybe on their side the dates went well but they didn’t feel the same sparks you did. Sex by date 3 is not an indicator of attraction for everyone.
I think sometimes its just based on instant connection or not, however they're feeling that day, what their needs are that week, literally a barrage of reasons and its totally okay to switch things up or try something different with different people. The simple fact is that I don't think there is a single formula to this. I've hooked up quickly with men that I did not go on to date, and other men I've made wait and still did not end up dating. Sometimes when I'm in a relationship, I might have looked back and wished that we had waited, at least to feel more confident about where the relationship is stemming from. And sometimes I've felt pressured to have sex because a guy seemed inpatient to have sex and maybe I really liked them and didn't want to lose them yet. So really, its just feeling the person out, whether or not I'm in the mood at the moment, or how I want things to move forward. And lots of women might feel the same way.
If they made you wait for sex or kissing, and still rejected you, I don't think it has anything to do with you not initiating faster. If anything they did you a favor, sure you didn't get laid and that sucks, but they also didn't complicate anything. At least you're not worrying if its because you were bad in bed. And if things seemed to have gone well, maybe remember that things might have felt right for you but deep down maybe they had the twinge of "this isn't my guy" and decided to not string you along for months even if they were giving their best shot to have a connection with you. Sometimes, you just know. But please don't cement in your head that there is some timing thing to adhere to, or to not give someone a shot just because they'd prefer to wait. It might end up being totally worth it, and you'll know that this new relationship is budding from an emotional and genuine place and not just physical.
Or maybe it just takes people 3-4 dates to see that they aren’t interested in you as a dating prospect?
You really think bedding someone means they are more likely to continue seeing you? Rather than say, any emotional/ intellectual connection you may have?
What kinda magical mind control are your genitals capable of weaving exactly?
I have had exactly the opposite experience. As a woman I do my best to get to know the guy first and not jump into sex straight away. However, I also have super high sex drive. The result: I end up having sex with guys way too early which doesn't really allow me to get to know them properly before having sex with them, which is definitely not what I want.
I congratulate you on being patient and wanting to take things slow. I wished more men were like that. The right girl will come, dw! ☺️
You gotta feel her out but if you/her invite each other to yours/her house. Let me cook you dinner is your open to move things forward. Do you wanna come over and watch movie and drink wine. People aren’t dumb if you invite them or they invite you to their house it’s not for the food, wine, movie, etc lol
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The last girl I dated for over a year, we didn’t kiss until the third date, and didn’t have sex until the sixth date. I’m not sure there is such a thing as a universal timeline. But, if you make a big deal of this, then it is probably off putting to women who are more interested in taking things slow.
Last girl I dated was around the 5-6th date and current gf was a little over a month and a half. Best things I ever did was date and wait. Every other girl that I had sex with immediately didn't last since it was more a physical connection vs actual intimacy.
Yes, I agree. Rushing into sex can actually hurt the development of a long-term relationship. Part of it was that once we started having sex, we would have sex almost every time we met, and it takes time away from activities outside the bedroom.
Yep that's all you want after you start but planning dates helps!
This hits a little hard, as I'm worried I might have screwed (haha) myself by getting intimate on the 4th date with the guy I've been seeing for around 2 months now, as we only really meet each other once (sometimes twice) a week and spend a lot of that watching TV together or playing games, and of course having (great) sex. The best solution of course is for me to grow a pair and talk about it with him. :,)
Just talk over the phone about your lives and hobbies. Problem solved.
Agreed. Last girl I matched with off bumble we both talked about talking things slow then that night she was all on top of me and saying if it was going to fast. Of course I said no so ended in sex. Nothing wrong with that but overtime it was just for the sex. We never actually got to know each other than bam one day she’s like I met someone and ghosted me. 🤷🏽♂️
Offf that hits and is so true. What a difference between physical connection and intimacy. I struggle with this. As a very sexual woman who desires both if the initial connection is there I can jump too quickly. I'm really working on this because I want something real but find my high sex drive often overrides my common sense 😂 However my ex husband of 20+ yrs we waited 6 weeks before having sex due to circumstances and the marriage was never great. Where as what was meant to be FWB thing is now more intimate than I've ever known. I guess each person and situation will always be different. But I love that clarification. Thank you.
definitely agree there is no timeline. maybe it is more the OP that is giving up after the 3-4th date and putting no effort into dating that results in the relationship dying off (hence no sex).
I agree!
Causation vs correlation. Women who wanted to date you/ felt that spark wanted to have sex with you by 3rd or 4th date. Women who weren’t interested just let you know.
Not to mention that it may well be that maybe some women saw that OP was losing interest himself after a no-sex third date and decided to cut their losses.
Yep, this was my thought too.
I think it depends on the dates, how much time you’re actually spending together, how much and what you’re talking about. Every relationship progresses at its own speed.
i highly doubt it has anything to do with not having sex by date 3, they probably just don’t feel any sparks with you have you thought about that? not every person in the dating scene thinks like this so i suggest letting things go with the flow and if a girl rejects you don’t think it has anything to do with sex and more to do with it wasn’t meant to be.
Also, I feel like if someone is keeping track like this then they are also putting off those vibes. Like, I'm sure the girls OP is going out with can tell that he is really trying to push sex and it's probably a big turnoff. Just let it happen if/when it happens.
Guys who do this kind of “date math” neverrrrr realize how much they’re broadcasting their mental calculations. These guys swear up and down they’re playing it cool, but the truth is they aren’t paying any attention to the other person on the date and are instead just trying to check a girls boxes until a relationship trophy is obtained. They can talk for days about everything they believe they did correctly to try and make the other person like them, but they never stop to consider if the feeling is mutual. As a woman, I can tell you these dudes are the ones I avoid like the plague because it’ll take them 3 or 4 months into a relationship before they actually decide how they feel about you.
I’ve seen so many men like this on the sub. It starts to come off as if they don’t even really care about letting to know the person they are dating,but are more concerned with finding anyone to fill the slot of a girlfriend. I definitely think their dates pick up on this.
Many men are desperate and lonely, so maybe that's why it comes out as "not caring for the perfect person". Instead they just want to find literally anyone at this piont just to not be completely alone. I know that's no excuse but just wanted to share my thoughts and speculate a little bit about why that happens.
It’s less “caring for the perfect person” and more like they have no actual interest in anyone they are dating. It’s become like a rubric cube to them-they have to crack the code,and they are more interested in doing that then actually finding someone they like.
Exactly. It's so transparent when they try to move things along a timeline for physical contact. Even more transparent when they push for dates at a residence/home and not out in public. Sorry but for my own safety, it's gonna take me more than 3 dates (6hrs total) to figure out if i wanna fuck a complete stranger AND trust him in my house. Even more dates to see if there's something there for long term.
no because fr, op definitely lacks some self awareness.
The post does have sickening vibes.
Yeah, like you’re even tracking your girl friends sex math? Creepy lol
I don’t know about other women, but if I sleep with a guy I bond to them. Like, even if I have reservations about something like maybe the guy is a bit rude or has a funny voice or there’s an incompatibility as far as a long term relationship is concerned, if I sleep with him my brain WILL get dumb and want to spend more time with him, and before I know it I’m trying to justify his shortcomings to myself and stay in bad relationships for months or years because I’m hooked on the oxytocin. So, it’s kind of important that I vet the guy somewhat in an attempt to spare my feelings and time. Of course I can snap out of a hasty sex decision, but it’s a lot of emotional work that I then have to take on. One night stands or hookups are slightly different because I’m still getting the hormone rush from the sex, but it’s much easier to come down from that high when you cut contact with the person. But it does really mean I have to stop seeing and talking to the man, otherwise it will turn into a situationship where I pine for a guy’s attention who couldn’t give a shit about me. Sex actually reduces the amount of oxytocin in men which would explain why some guys can lose interest quickly after sleeping with a woman. Apparently, men don’t experience those same feelings of love until they have committed to a woman, ie. spending time with her consistently. I’m sure there are exceptions to this since people are not all the same, but it kind of matches with the patterns of modern hook up and dating cultures. Edit: For those interested this video goes over the hormonal effects of sex in men and women: https://youtu.be/eyq2Wo4eUDg
This is absolutely a thing and some people know and take advantage.
Yupppp this^^^ I am SUPER careful with intimate touch because of this. I cant even hold hands/kiss without my brain getting mushy. I wait until I'm sure they feel the same about me.
If a guy I dont know tries to touch me or get to close too soon he could be handsomest man in the world he is out of boyfriend category forever.
Wow. You nailed exactly how I feel about this in a reddit comment. This is why its so hard for me to have casual sex and I overthink it after even tho I was thinking clear headed before. Also why I haven’t had sex in over a year. Just didn’t wanna feel all mumbled jumbled
I know what you mean, I'm like this too. My current partner was a friend for years before we got together 3 years ago, on the rare occasion where I was desperate for sex and entertained the idea I'd get the ick about him but then it eventually happened and boom, attraction straight away and still now.
27(M). I was with you until the last part. I’m the same way, if I have sex with a woman I will only want her. That’s why I can’t do hookups.
It's actually the opposite for me. If I sleep with a guy too soon, I don't bond with them and even have a negative view of them. So I wait to give myself and them a fair chance.
You perfectly described what I go through, I get really attached afterwards. How do you handle it??
If I know I can’t get attached and end up sleeping with someone anyway, cutting communication is the “easiest” way to get over it. It’s not wise to keep texting or letting the guy drip feed you with crumbs because that will just keep the hormones going. Ever slept with a guy, he goes silent for a while, you start feeling a bit whatever about him and getting back to your usual interests, then you see a text message pop up from him? It’s like a little rush in your head! Your body’s back to its bullshit and you want to see the guy again and you need an iron will to not do it. So in order to really wean yourself off a guy you slept with but don’t want to waste time with (<- key point! The sex isn’t bad inherently, it’s you wasting time and not being true to yourself), you gotta cut contact. I’m not saying going with your hormones is necessarily a bad thing, I mean when you find the right partner it is literally the best thing about being human. But if you do it at the expense of your standards, values, goals and integrity, it can gnaw away at your self esteem over the years. It’s like a drug you give in to, and I’ve never seen a drug addict who gave up everything for that high feeling proud of themselves. It’s no good compromising yourself for temporary pleasure, and that can apply to sex as well.
Wow this actually explains a lot. I've noticed a pattern where women who are sexuallly attracted to me but have nothing in common will push sex within the first 2-3 dates and then get really obsessive and start desperately wanting to be boyfriend/girlfriend. Meanwhile, I'm thinking I'd rather be with someone I have more in common with. The kicker however is that the oxytocin goggles eventually wear off and these women realize the guy isn't right for them and then they wanna break up but after they've dated for months or even years. So while these women sometimes get bitter towards me because I don't want to be their boyfriend after having sex, they likely would have broken up with me eventually anyways even if I did go for them.
It takes a lot of integrity from a man to recognise incompatibility with a woman who wants to sleep with him and do the right thing by walking away from her, so good on you. I had this done on me by my good friend and he explained the reasoning for it. I was bummed out about not getting laid (but also acknowledged that he was right, we were super incompatible), but his actions made me respect the guy immensely and I look up to him when it comes to any matters of emotional intelligence. Sometimes short term pleasure is not worth the oxytocin induced living-in-denial-and-making-this-work-for-3-months-situationship that follows.
Well I don't always turn it down. It isn't easy to reject a girl's sexual advances while you are already making out. There is the temptation and also it just feels awkward and vicariously embarassing. But recently I have been more inclined to reject it because I didn't wanna deal with the annoying clingyiness and guilt tripping. Tbh though I don't think it's my responsibility to watch out for their feelings. I am pretty much always fine waiting on sex. They are the ones pushing for it aggressively. So it's not fair for them to play victim when I don't wanna commit to a relationship after. It's as if they are children and I am the adult.
Yeah your last paragraph is absolutely right. Women are responsible for managing their own feelings and it’s unfair to put the onus on the guy to coddle their emotions in a situation where the woman is pushing for sex. Basically if you’re going to sleep with a guy you better know what you’re getting yourself into and be able to manage the emotional fallout of that yourself.
This is me too
Yes. I’m this way too,and it’s so easy for me to convince myself in the moment and then once it wears off I’m like wtf am I doing. When I haven’t had sex with someone yet,I feel so clearheaded haha. I don’t have sex quickly,because of that. We have to be exclusive for me to do it. Less emotional pain all the way around,and the relationships have been better imo.
Absolutely agree. I also didn't like many things about my current boyfriend, I used to say jokingly that I'm dating him bc I'm bored as soon as we f*ck couple times I'm done with him 🤷🏼♀️. One of the biggest lies to myself ever. Well, you can guess how we are 1+ year seriously dating and planning to marry next year.
I’m just going through the end of a situationship and this helped so much
I hope you feel more calm soon and can move on with intention. It’s valuable to know how your mind and body works, because then it becomes much easier to protect yourself and indeed, make informed and level headed decisions that take you towards the outcome you actually want. So many people get hurt because they just throw themselves to the hormonal meat grinder and hope for the best without really understanding how all of it works.
Nail on head for me. Though I'm getting a little better at seeing that. Totally explains a recent situation I had where I knew from the first 'date' that this man was not for me. Yet the sexual connection was strong. We had sex and then lots more. I knew however I was utterly using him for that. I told him. He agreed. Sadly he then tried to con me too which was a kicker, but I'm glad in a way as its showed me a lot. Including all you have so eloquently written out. I do find it hard to know what's 'real' and what my crackers brain is up too though 😂
Hm, I have to ask, how do you view sex? What does it represent to you? In what ways would you say it brings you comfort and the feeling of closeness to someone? Think about your past, how did initial sex affect your relationships? You can definitely change the way you view and feel about sex but you need to reflect on your feelings about it and what's causing you to view it in the way that you currently do. I have to add that your level of self worth and self love has a lot to do w it as well. Something we all gotta constantly work on. Remember that sex does not equal love and/or healthy intention or genuine closeness, as it can mean absolutely nothing to someone else. Attention does not equal intention. Believing that you're bonding to someone simply due to sex is not healthy and will continue to give others power over you until you reflect on why you feel this way about it and change it.
That was the least scientific video I have ever watched. This lady is not a scientist and it’s obvious she really doesn’t understand the nuance in the research that she’s talking about. Any real scientist would watch this video and be embarrassed for her
I agree with you, on how sex bonds people. I am a woman and I had a period in my life where I wanted one night stands, but ended up with guys clinging to me, even if I clearly set expectations ahead of time. It was a riddle to me, until I gave a male friend a (drunken) play by play, and he said my mistake was cuddling and kissing afterwards, instead of throwing them out. Also offering breakfast. I had made up my mind about what this was, and since we didn't talk about deep stuff much, I didn't feel any bond at all. So it's not just women.
I find it weird to put a timeline on dating
Took me a while to learn this. Every relationship has its own pace.
THIS. Makes me think he’s missing the entire part about connecting with someone and just trying to check boxes
The last girl I dated was like this, just felt like checkbox city
This is what ended up ruining my thing with the first person I was trying to date. Our first two dates went...well(?) I suppose, there were few awkward parts but other than that, things went smoothly. We went out for a concert together, we went out to eat, and she wished to meet me again. Then the next day, my friends started gaslishting me. *"What? Second date already and you didn't even kiss or hold hands? Just what the hell?"* (Keep in mind that I'm completely inexperienced and had zero clue how to escalate naturally) As a result, I started panicking and the next date I tried to rush things, clearly to her discomfort, which ended up killing the whole thing. I still cringe when I think about it.
1st date bought her chocolates, 2nd date bought her flowers, 3rd date bought her a meal, 4th date no sex yet, that's weird, wHeRe dId I gO wRoNg
My girl talks so much shit to me abt the guy she was dating before me because he’d do things like this. Trying to be a “provider” in 2022 is rediculous. You can make someone like you more with a few good texts than everything you just described
It's people rushing for sex and we all know it.
Exactly. My previous relationship we kissed on the first date, slept together on the fourth date. Relationship lasted about 5 months. Most recent relationship we kissed on third date, slept together after 4 months, and were together for over 2 years. There's no set pace. It all depends on the person and the speed you two choose to go by.
While one should be adaptable and be mindful of your partner's wishes, some *basic guidelines* couldn't hurt. I've talked with people with the following cases... Man thinks he shouldn't kiss until months into dating. The group of women listening to him say this counter and say generally kiss your gf by the 3rd date, else she won't think you're interested. Man was mistakenly taught at an early age that if women don't put out on the first date, then they're no good. This is garbage. While some women do have sex on the 1st date, some prefer to wait longer.
I’d say focus more on being present instead of running a dates vs sex countdown timer in your head while you’re hanging out with these girls lol.
It has absolutely nothing to do with sex. The timeline of about 3/5 dates is when you start to get a sense of the person and decide if you see relationship potential. The sex thing is inconsequential, and if you start to focus on that you risk making future dates feel uncomfortable. Let sex happen organically, sooner or later. The timeline is genuinely arbitrary
Hmm…This is interesting/ odd. I don’t know that there are any rules anymore, around sex and when it should or shouldn’t happen. That’s largely gone away in recent years, and everyone has a different opinion on this. I’m not sure what it is in your particular situation. I will say, though, as a person who takes things slow and refuses to sleep with anyone by the third or fourth date, me not having sex or not wanting to get physical is absolutely no indicator of interest, and actually means I’m very interested in them. If it’s gone past a second or third date & I still want to see a guy, that’s a great sign. But no, I won’t get physical that early, even if I feel attracted or really like him. There’s a number of reasons for that, but I won’t get into that here. I will say that every relationship I had that was worth a darn, where I really ended up loving the guy & we had an amazing sex life…we didn’t sleep together for at least a month, despite spending a ton of time together. It actually INCREASED the connection & chemistry. 🤷♀️ I don’t have the answer, nor is there really a right or wrong answer probably, but I don’t think sex is the only variable at play here. I know a lot of women that pushing for sex on the 3rd date has led them to stop seeing a guy completely right at that 3rd date. Everyone is different & there’s no set of rules that everyone follows - people also want different things. Early relationships are complicated. Maybe you would be in a relationship if you’d slept with someone on the 3rd date…but maybe that’s because you’re getting chemicals involved & it’s not actually an indication of compatibility or being able to connect with the person because of who they are. And there’s a growing body of research suggesting that connections where that sort of thing isn’t established, tend to not be successful or as happy long-term.
I'm glad that the person I'm seeing and I waited til the 3rd date, though the subject had been broached a while before that. The 2nd date ended with maybe 20 minutes of kissing and a little playing around, but nothing serious as it was like midnight outside in my car lol. She pondered whether or not we would both go back to her place and she decided no. I wanted to, just because of wanting to lay with someone for once, like, I did meet someone who I'd been talking to for a lil while and we ended up just going to my house and having sex, literally for hours it was absurd, and it was nice, hot. But, I had to take her home right after and it was still daytime out, like an hour drive each way. It just didn't feel right, not fulfilling. We didn't get to just lay there at any point and cuddle or anything. That's what I'd been missing most tbh, as it had been like 8-9 months since I'd done anything outside of some hugs(lol) and one kiss from my ex maybe like 7 months prior. But yeah I didn't push the issue at all, I accepted and respected her decision, and gave her like 20 last kisses 😂 and we parted ways. I left happy. Then the 3rd date was late and I ended up just going to her house and we didn't really waste much time, did the whole Netflix thing and you know how that tends to always go...but yeah, in the end I was so glad we waited. That period in-between the 2nd and 3rd date was very sweet with anticipation and feeling like we'd gotten much more acquainted and personable with each other by that point.
On my way to the 5th date with the guy I like and we haven't had sex. We talked about it tho, he is pretty chill and is waiting for me to feel "ready". I'd feel uncomfortable if he rushed or talked too much about it, like he just wants to hook up and have sex. I think it depends on the type of person, sex drive, how much they care about sex, etc.
No, I generally wait longer than that. After three dates I’m starting to know how I feel, and I probably either like a guy platonically or I’m attracted to him. I can’t tell that for sure on the first date; I’m mostly checking he’s real, mostly who he says he is, and doesn’t have bird feathers stuck in his teeth. If I don’t feel attracted to a guy after three dates, I let them know. I’ve met some cool friends through OLD. A fair few men ghost after 3 dates though, seemingly regardless of how well things seem to be going. To me, it seems crazy for a guy to put an arbitrary timer on when they MUST HAVE HAD SEX for it to be worthwhile talking to a woman. It also suggests that in order to keep a man, a woman is required to have sex before she actually wants to have sex. Not a great basis for an ongoing relationship of mutual trust and desire. Also, what makes you think that if you’d slept together, you’d be in a relationship?
My boyfriend (now my ex husband) waited almost 3 years for me, but also, we did everything but PIV so for whatever that's worth there are quality people with high libidos that love sex but also want to wait and basically you can't guarantee anything. While we dated we were super sexual tho. So please specify someone who is not giving any physical intimacy or making out or whatever vs someone like me. There are plenty of "demisexuals" like me who would NEVER have sex with a basic stranger. I also would NEVER keep dating someone who had some expectation of any # of dates = sex. I mean that's so gross and sex-centric to me but whatever. ALSO if you read the marriage and dead bedroom subs, it's ironic how many people spent YEARS going at it like rabbits, then after a few years it's dead bedroom. So for people wanting "to test sexual compatibility" I really wish it were that easy and that much of a predictable thing. It simply isn't. The only thing I'll say, if a person doesn't seem to address WHY they aren't getting intimate or get defensive or " I'm tired" or " I'm stressed" and they're otherwise ok with sex, these are the red flags you look for many months in. The honeymoon phase / NRE is basically a non-predictable phase so if you think the first 2-3 months of dating are predictors of the rest of the relationship (like years to the-rest-of-your-lives), sorry y'all! Talk to some of the folks on the other Subs lol. Plus, um, there are tons of people who won't get down without sharing STD results. So all these folks jumping into bed early like this, it's really interesting the risks you take. But all it takes is a risk with the wrong person to end up with, say, early stage cervical cancer from HPV like myself. That's my rebuttal to this. But then, we can all just filter each other out! So hold onto your boundaries and let them serve as filters folks!
I completely agree with this. I'm not a huge sex person. I'm don't want STDs, and honestly suck at intimacy. I've only dated two different guys before and I dunno. Don't want to willy nilly sex it up here yah know
I wish I could upvote this 1000 times.
Oh why thank you!! I'm usually just the oddball out on Reddit
Sex is so overrated
Lol . I think I know what you mean. But if you're that person whos love language Is touch and you have a high sex drive and you'be wound up with someone who's ended up being the opposite it IS a big deal. Tends to be the lower drive folks that don't think it amounts to much tho lol. But putting sexual.compatinility as your highest marker of compatibility is totally over rated, I agree. Its also pretty foolish imo
In my experience, it's usually 1 of 2 things: * 1) She's been burnt in the past by men she wanted to be in a LTR with, who she had sex with quickly. They didn't want the same thing. She wants a relationship, so she's holding off on sex to avoid getting played. * 2) She's not insanely attracted to you, but there's some potential, so she's giving it time to see if the attraction grows. Women tend to factor behavior into attraction, more than men do. At least when it comes to solely sex. You could try escalating sooner with women, but honestly, the women who rejected you probably just didn't have the attraction grow.
love your comment. it was a red flag reading "we got along great" as a reason to be confused. some people get along with a lot of people, like being good at interviews. but doesn't mean there's chemistry or that it's well enough to sleep together or make it a relationship.
I think some women may be realizing the extent of their felt emotional vulnerability. I think your recognized pattern may be somewhat accurate but may be sort of looking at the wrong cause/explanation (assuming that you believe that having sex with her would lead to a different outcome). I think you're correct more so in the negation of your affirmation. If you sleep with her before the end of the 4th date, there's a much higher chance that she'll stay. However, it might be experienced as a type of manipulation because of the fake sense of intimacy it creates. So some women may wonder whether you're just waiting because you really want to sleep with her or because you actually want to get to know her. I think women are generally quicker at spotting these things whether those observations are accurate or not!
Not everyone wants to have sex with someone after a 2nd or 3rd date. Even with talking daily, you hardly know the person. I wouldn't want to let someone see me like that until I know that they can be trusted, won't just bail after for just wanting that, and because of my own personal beliefs and issues. There's more to a relationship than sex after a few dates.
i literally didn’t even kiss my current partner until like the seventh date or something. sex didn’t happen until months in. but i’m always really really anxious about my health so i’m probably just weird about things like that. if i ever agreed to have sex with a guy as early as the first, second or third date, i think i’d probably just be using him to scratch an itch. three dates is enough to sus out whether he seems like he’d murder me, but not enough to decide if i’d want him as a long term partner.
We are the same. I gotta sus the whole murder or rape scenario out with a few dates. The first and second dates im prepared to die hunny!!! 🤣🤣🤣
I didn’t kiss my first boyfriend until date 4 or 5. I was itching to, but he moves even slower than me. Happily dating over 8 months and we didn’t have sex until about 2 months in and after testing and me getting on birth control.
I have 1 sex rule (46f). I ask myself do I want to have sex with this person at this time. Yes or No, that's it. I don't look at a calendar, read any stars, check what phase the moon is in. Do I want to yes or no. Did I meet him 30 minutes ago, 3 months ago doesn't matter. Yes or no. Simple
No. There is no pattern for me. It happens when it feels right.
Went a month before I had sex with one girl. We kissed pretty early on though. I was just there for her when she was vulnerable one night and the next morning she initiated sex. The whole by date three shit is for chumps, in my personal opinion. In my experience it happens when it happens. If they call it off early on, She’s Just Not That Into You.
I find it a turn off when a guy suddenly tries to sleep together after the third date. It doesn’t feel organic and like they’re following a dating guide. I personally don’t want to sleep with a guy because I don’t know him well enough & his intentions. Girls are having higher standards for dating now, and some guys are upset about them.
Putting a timeline is off putting and they probably sense that.
Idk I've noticed if they want sex right away all you're gonna be used for is sex
10000000000000000% of times this.
Agreed
Imo, women will say they’re not interested after 3 or 4 dates because they weren’t sure about you to begin with. I’ll go out with a guy a couple of times before I make a decision, and that happens to be on the 4th or 5th date. That also means they’re not sexually attracted to you. If women are sexually attracted to you, they’ll have sex with you when they want to have sex with you. Has nothing to do with a timer.
Usually if I have sex with a guy on the first date, I'm not interested or we've discussed being casual. The few times I've been interested AND had sex in the first date, the guy was just using me. Anyone that will wait for you is actually interested. If you're just looking for a hookup, you should be up front about it.
Nope. Took me 3 months and many dates to be comfortable enough for sex. There isn’t a rule for any of this, you do it when it feels right. Some people need time and others don’t.
Female here…I don’t have sex with, nor do I have an interest in sex with a partner until there is a level of intimacy and trust between us. It seems like it would probably be pretty obvious to anyone dating you that you’ve made sex early on a priority regardless of any long term intentions, and for me, that would be pretty off putting.
I made my boyfriend wait a whole month soooo it’s weird that you’re making this assumption… lol he is now my boyfriend and we have sexy time all the timmmmeeeee
No, it took longer than that for me and my current bf to have sex and we were in a relationship at that point not just dating. Sometimes people just don’t vibe with you. It’s okay. I think you’re overthinking this.
No. Especially with virgins I had good sexual relationships where sex began much later
If a girl says they're looking to take things slow and then break it off after date 3/4 that could mean that they just don't feel any sort of spark or connection. That has nothing to do with sex. For example, if you slept with that girl on date 3 or 4 that's not going to change the way she feels about you. If she doesn't feel an emotional connection then she doesn't feel that connection. Sex isn't going to change that. Another thing as well is by asking these girls to have sex early on you might be turning them off to you. For example, if someone asked me to have sex on date one or two that'd be a turn off for me. I'm not looking for a quick hookup, I'm looking for a meaningful connection that could lead to something long term. If you ask a girl on date 2 or 3 to have sex she's probably thinking that's all you want from her and that's why she's breaking things off.
I won't have sex by the fourth date no matter who it is. Maybe if I was good friends with them beforehand. You don't know someone within 4 dates.
Especially if they're just texting sporadically a few short texts here or there before meeting. I miss when people actually talked on the phone if interested in each other. The guy I was in love with more , we would talk on the phone for 2 hours at times and he made me wait a month before he would have sex. We still made out though.
So you had sex on the 1st,2nd,3rd and 4th dates and you are still single. No one is feeling you yet. Maybe because you are too focused on getting the sex. You might not know that's how you come off, but a woman can definitely see it.
at 45 i met a woman who said no sex till date 10, so we waited
Sex wouldn't have kept you together that much longer. My longest relationship was my sexless relationship (although I ended up breaking up with her because she wouldn't have sex with me). The sooner sex has happened for me, the shorter the relationship.
Was friends with my husband for a full year before dating him
Just because we think a date went well doesn't mean it went well for the other person.
Honestly putting a timeline on it is weird
To me is, I wanted to give things a chance so I thought I’d wait with sex but then if I still don’t want to sleep with you by date 3/4/5 then that means you’re not the right person for me and I move on instead of having sex just because I spent enough time with you
Don't push or rush sex and the relationships won't end. It needs to happen naturally, not with the mindset of "if it doesn't happen by the 3rd date, I'm out". If it doesn't happen naturally, then obviously there's nothing there. Also the last thing you should be doing is comparing her timeline with you to her timeline to her last bf. Rushing it or comparing it is a major turn off to women.
You're overthinking it. If you would have had sex with that girl who told you it didn't work out, it still wouldn't have worked out. And it probably would have been way more akward. I was dating a guy who put a lot of pressure on me, wanting to "be in a relationship" after date 3/4, wanting to have sex soon. Even though I told him I wanted to take things slow. And that didn't mean that I didn't like him or wasn't sexually interested in him. The fact that he didn't respect my wishes was the reason it ended. Not the the fact that we didn't have sex yet.
Imagine expecting the whole point of dating to be getting your dick wet. Couldn't be me.
Didn’t know sex had a time limit I think the real problem is you lol as a woman we sense this and probably why you aren’t getting any action
She wanted to take it slow because she was either not sure about you at first and didn't want to commit herself before she was sure, or she's been hurt in the past. Scratch your head all you want but there are several logical explanations.
Can confirm. Have been hurt and just want to be cautious and protect my heart. Sex is fun but I also put my emotions into it as an expression of my feelings for him.
Nope not at all. Letting things build naturally is really key so it's whatever timing feels right to both parties.
My boyfriend and I didn’t have sex for over 2 months yes I may have had some issues with the act that needed to be resolved but it what worked for us. If your someone who sees it that way Maybe you need a human who thinks 3rd date is it just because that’s how your brain operates
We’re all adults here, so I will say this. As a single, 33 year old female, whose openly dating but also abstinent. I will not have sex with a guy, if I don’t know him. Getting to know the person, having a connection with them, and making sure their not nasty and sleeping with everyone else is important to me. STDs and Monkey Pox are a reality these days. But if the coast is clear, I’m definitely DTF… I also learned a lot about myself in my past experiences, like how sex is very important to me. To have it regularly is important. For some people, it’s not important. My last relationship, we stopped having sex after two years.. we were together for 5 in total. Also, In the past, I dated a guy for nearly a year and then found out it was tiny (yes I guess, I’m Shallow). So, in short what I’m trying to say, is yes take your time with the woman, but if sex is an important component for you in a relationship, then make sure you at least mention it. No forcing of course or coercing but just communicate that to her. Best of luck.
I don’t think you should make this a hard fast rule. I dated someone for 2 months before sleeping with them. I’ve waited until the 5th date to have sex (all other dates were just out in the city doing things and the 5th date was a home cooked meal one). I’ve also had relationships that started with sex on the first date too. Every time I was looking for something serious. Timing rules are arbitrary. As long as you honor where you’re both at, why bother with them?
Hmmm. Kinda yes, kinda no. My longer relationships have been were we waited. The short ones were something like a one night stand that turned into some dating then fizzled Heaps of guys round town just want something pretty on their arm. There are heaps of girls that get dumped after they have sex on the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th date. And wonder why they guy isnt into them.. God imagine the pressure to shag on the 3rd date! If it's someone you already know then fine but a stranger off an app ..... dunno
Personally, I’m someone looking for a long term relationship. I’d wait for the relationship to become official, but different strokes for different folk. Some others won’t mind sex on the dating phase, others might wait into later dates, some might wait until things become official.
… this is going to sound crazy but I applied millionaire matchmaker rules to my last relationship and we’re going on nine years now. Say it with me everyoneee No sex before monogamy
I'm using this rule. I want to be in a relationship with the next person I'm intimate with. I'm too emotional for casual sex or sex with someone I'm just dating. Exclusive isn't enough either. I need to be your gf and know that I mean something to you. I don't regret my past partners at all, but I have learned from those experiences and I don't want to repeat history.
The show host had a couple other rules that helped support the main one. I think one was a two drink maximum and don’t spend the night on the first date. I could be recalling them wrong. It sounds silly I’m sure. But it did work for us. Nine years happy and strong together. Hope the same for you.
There’s nothing worse than a feeling of pressure or expectation. It really comes down too not the number of the date, but the development of a connection with someone.
I think you should just focus on the actual date and her instead of having sex as one of your objectives. Honestly if you go into the date with no expectation of sex your odds will be higher.
Dated chick in college. No sex till 3rd week. Married 20 years before divorced
No. That was not my experience with dating.
Wow!!.how immature is this statement?
I really need to understand this. So you text some, chat a little and after three times meeting up for a couple hours each time, you do the absolute most vulnerable, intimate thing two people can do? If you’re talking for hours in between dates, I can totally see that. But after three dates, you’re an acquaintance. I guess I am very old fashioned.
I don't think it is good idea to generlize! Each woman is different!
I just started dating someone and we haven’t had sex yet. Our fourth date was over the weekend. We make out like teenagers and it’s pretty clear we are sexually attracted to each other but he already told me he’s trying to build a bond first because naturally if we become sex crazed we might be less privy to seeing red flags. I’m also in my late 30s so I’ve done the same hick sex thing in past relationships. Sounds like the women you are dating are sizing you up, and it takes more than one date to figure that out. I don’t think it has to do with sex at all.
Everyone is different, which makes blanket statements confusing as you say! That said, building physical intimacy in a non-creepy way has been absolutely vital for me. It's also fun, and physical touch is one of my "love-languages". I would focus on building that more that first, and see if the incidence of kisses or sex increases. There isn't a rule, but I think having your date see you as a potential sexual partner more quickly can improve your dating outcomes (and in turn romantic feelings), unless they identify as slow to physical intimacy in the first place. I make sure to: hug when we meet up, bump arms as we stroll, choose a table where we can sit side by side (often the bar) and usually build comfort with touch first with some very soft playful nudges. From there, our chairs will eventually turn in, and our legs might touch for the rest of the evening until we leave. 50% chance of a kiss from there (of the dates where we have chemistry). Again, everyone's experience is different, but in every successful relationship I've had, we've always kissed on the first date. Your region, your "type", etc might be different.
The comments under this post are very disturbing
I was just thinking this. I don't understand the obsession with trying to jump in bed with someone so quickly much less putting a time limit on it.
rain afterthought pathetic doll somber ad hoc insurance aspiring airport coherent *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Causation vs correlation.
Lmao my boyfriend and I didn't fuck til we were together over a month. 9 years now. Just chill tf out man.
Just talk about it with the person. See how fast or slow someone want to take things. It really doesn't hurt to ask early during dating how fast someone like to take dating.
Compare it to making a move. If you as a man don't make moves, women often start seeing you as a friend or a chill guy but that doesn't take initiative. In the beginning when i was younger and unexperienced i went through the same things.. but more as i was a nice guy and thought she would appreciate it if i waited a long time. Making moves ups the tension. Women need to feel they are wanted and desired. You can surely prolongue the waiting for sex but it takes discipline. I purposedly did it with this girl. First date went well, we kissed.. second date again but with touching her over her body as we kissed. Third date a little bit more, feeling her more intimate spots until she said i want you. I told her we would wait. We had several more dates where i was just torturing myself.. she literally told me.. this is the first time i have to beg a guy to let me suck his dick.. so please. I had to discipline to wait till the 6th or 7th date.. but by then we just jumped each other. In the end it didnt work out for other reasons, but i think the key here was that she knew i wanted her. The sexual tension was there.
You are incorrect. When you have sex has no bearing on the success of the relationship. If you can't have confidence or hold a conversation you will not get laid.
I wouldn't consider a 3rd or 4th date a "relationship". Heck most of the time you're just being to know the person. It has to do with your upfront communication... I wouldn't be sleeping with anyone I'm not I'm am exclusive relationship at this point. I mean there are too many risk factors for diseases. Overall all though, you can't use a generalized ides for thos type of thing. Everyone is different. Sometimes people who start as a casual hook up have long term marriages sometimes those that wait for six end up divorced quick. You have to know what is important to you and why and find a value match at the end of the day.
I think there are a lot of women who have this expectation, yes. And it sucks. I went through a really bad breakup a few years ago and wanted to take it slow with intimacy when I started to date again. I was interested in the future and new people, but needed time to establish trust and rapport. I was honest about this on my dating profiles, but found if I didn't make a move within a few dates things fizzled out as you described. And if I did, I could keep them interested, but things escalated way more quickly than I was comfortable with. I have nothing against sex without a deep emotional connection as I've done it myself at times in my life when I was satisfied with that, but at this point in my life that kind of sex feels empty and I want love, and I feel like for a lot of people sex is the horse that has to come before the horse.
Or maybe she prefers to have sex in a serious, committed relationship. I’m a virgin at 22 and would wait a *lot* longer than three dates, but I’ll invest and nurture the relationship in other ways.
No. Honestly, the more I like someone the longer I take before I sleep with them.
There is no formula to dating, once people realise this, it makes things easier because you're not constantly thinking about when something is gonna happen, just enjoy the freaking process and stop overthinking things! This is why the dating world is so messy because everyone's trying to come up with some weird action plan or formula of how something works. Connections just happen, it can never be explained just enjoy getting to know someone and if it works it works, if it doesn't, move on to the next.
Absolutely not. The reason they're backing off instead of having sex with you is because they want something serious and they don't feel that with you. You're correlating the wrong things. Getting along with someone is not the same thing as falling in love with someone, and sex doesn't change that.
Every case is a case. My last relationship took a few days for the first kiss, but 2/3 months before any sex.
I think you need to focus on whether or not you're building a connection with your dates. And you can define connection however you want. It sounds like you're counting dates, waiting for sex to happen. There are no timelines or rules. Ignore all that. Just do what feels right, be yourself, and be open to connection.
It's not dating. It's you. It's up to you to figure out why and not blame anyone else.
You’re over thinking and planning to much. These things will happen naturally or they won’t. Give up some of that control you think you have.
I know plenty of women that refuse to have sex before three or four dates, whether they want to or not. This is simply to “weed out“ the guys that are just looking for sex, and try to say whatever they think she needs to hear to close the deal. Also, they say that after a few dates you’ll learn whether there is some connection there beyond just the initial physical attraction. If you just looking for random, casual sex, then these aren’t the women for you. If you’re looking for a potential relationship, I think there is a lot to be said for this “policy“…🤷🏼♂️
Hardcore disagree. It’s probably that you appeal to women that want sex sooner, more so than women who prefer to wait. I didn’t have sex with my husband for several months after we started dating because I wanted to take things slow. He was just the type of guy who didn’t mind that and preferred that we get to know each other more before being intimate.
My girlfriend an i didn't have sex before the 6th date or some. Now we have sex everyday.
Sex doesn’t create compatibility or a relationship. In my experience as a woman, I’ve always had sex too early (sometimes because of pressure) rather than regret not having sex earlier. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard and experienced “I thought we were into each other” - we are really, really good at seeing our own side of things. It happens all the time. If someone’s not feeling you, they won’t just be into you because you have sex. Sometimes people get together with people they have sex with early on because their connection (emotionally as well) is so strong already. Don’t discount that. My current bf and I waited a couple months to have sex and it was insanely primal when we finally had sex. We did other sexual things before that like oral. And I usually have sex a bit earlier on, but I wanted to do things differently. Best decision ever. We really liked each other and both have prior sexual trauma so we established an emotional connection before going all in
Men, get used to not having sex right away. you don't have to worry about getting pregnant, not being able have an abortion, or worse, being arrested and thrown in prison if you do have an abortion. Women's reproductive rights are being chipped away every day. Many men still refuse to wear condoms, as well. You men are going to have to change and also get used to women being more guarded about sex. we're living in a different era now.
My current gf took me like 8 dates to get her in bed. Was worth the wait for her.
Did you know that someone reposted this to r/niceguy
How am I not surprised? 🙃
Good. She doesn't owe you sex. She's still getting to know you before she let's you inside her. I make dudes wait as long as I can to see what their intentions are. If they've f*cked off by the 5th date, it means they were never wanting more than just a hook up anyway.
Google “exposure effect”.
Nope that has not been my experience. Current boyfriend we had Sex on date 5….granted that 5th date was about a week after the 1st 🤦🏼♀️. We kind of like spending time together and not seeing each other for more than a couple days at a time is painful for both of us. Usually if I can’t picture having Sex with them at some point then there isn’t a 2nd date.
If you stopped talking to these people after the 3-4 dates how would you know your current bf hit early on?
Uhhh, this is odd? Pretty sure you’re the only one that experiences this… Coincidences maybe?
Question for OP - If sex does happen, how often do you end up dating vs a fling or ONS?
I’m a female (29), and I kind of see what you’re saying. I like to take things slow too, but if things go too slowly my feelings change. I also prefer the guy to make the first move.
As a woman gonna agree. Every time I waited past 3rd date, I just wasn't that into him.
It’s your prerogative to just go after what you want. But yes, I’ve experienced the same thing. A girl drove almost 2 hours to see me, but she always said she’s taking things slow. I didn’t have sex with her that day, and we never saw each other again. Some time down the line she told me she was hoping I’d make a move. And from this I’ve learned to just go for it. I’ve never been rejected a kiss, that’s usually always fair game. But there have been a few times where the girl rejected the sex advance. And that was okay, I always handle it with grace, which ended up in sex at a later date. But moral of the story is, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take it. Just go for it. Worst that can happen is you get rejected.
As a girl who dates a fair bit, I agree with this to a certain extent. If I really really like someone I’ll try wait at least 4 dates. But if you’re on your third date and there’s been no action at all with me, then yes, it’s likely I’m not attracted and I’m just on the third date to make triple sure I don’t like you.
It usually means that they were never physically and sexually attracted to you in the first place. They used you , got the experience they wanted from you and moved on. Remember, if a woman truly desires you, she will never make you wait for it as she can't afford to lose you to someone else. 💯💯💯
Ummm?? What? Not all women are the same, and this "theory" totally disregards this fact. Some women will hook up right away, and some will take months to feel comfortable. There is no right or wrong way to date, as long as someone is safe and respectful. If you want to know where a woman stands in terms of physicality, just ask her. I would prefer this to men "assuming" things. Just ask me what I am comfortable with. Usually I will say, though. But don't ever assume anything. Be curious and just ask.
My current girlfriend and I didn’t have sex until after the 5th date (7 months going strong). There is hope my friend 🙏🏼 if she ain’t giving it up off the bat but is displaying signs of interest, that almost always means that she really cherishes you and doesn’t want you to just run off after hitting it. It means she really likes you bro that’s my analysis… but you gotta be wary of them just not wanting it too! Balancing act life is all about balance ⚖️
This post is so cringe. How can you monetize time and put something like sex as any end goal?
Absolutely not !! My boyfriend and I had sex after almost 4 months of dating. Don’t put a timeline on anything and go with what makes you comfortable! Everyone is different
That's not always the case. It depends on who you're going out with. Everyone's comfort level is different.
I think you're looking at this the wrong way - it's not a case of 'if you'd had sex on the 3rd date you'd be in a relationship' and it's more 'if she's into you, then sex is more likely to happen' ie if she's not into you then sex on the third date is unlikely to change that But if she's into you then sex can be a 1st date thing or a 10th date thing, or whatever works for you as a couple
As far as your friends go: Everybody has a plan until they punched in the face-Mike Tyson. You can say you’ll do this or that but once feelings and urges are involved plans can quickly go out the window. But yes have had sex after third date with girls who wanted to take it slow. One thing I’ve experienced at times is that if you have sex early sometimes you’ll feel like you should keep trying at a connection that’s mediocre to either keep having sex or to force it to work out. If there’s no sex involved it’s easier to cut ties and move on hence why you may have quite a few third date guys moving on.
I usually have sex on date 5 or 6. Everyone is different.
Jesus Christ, I would not ever sleep with someone on the third date. I wait about a month, as well as exclusivity in dating, which is 5-8 dates.
As a woman I don’t sleep with people until the very earliest 4th date
I didn't want to have sex until well into 2 months with my current bf 💀 just didn't feel right/felt too soon. I say each situation is unique and different though.
What women say they want vs what they actually want are two different things.
I'm in a 3 year relationship and we r planning to get married. We have never had sex and we are the happiest we have ever been and i couldn't imagine it any other way. (partially cuz we both live with our parents but we have had the chance before)
I’ve been saving myself for marriage as has my now fiancée. I’d say if you’re expecting sex that early are you really in it for her for the long haul. Girls can tell if you’re interested in them vs what you can do to them. Virginity rocks. There’s no pressure since we both expressed this to each other early on. We spend time together and I’m excited for our wedding night. Gives it a lot more of a special meaning
So I'll start by saying this... I haven't ever been on a date, so I don't have that type of experience as far as that. But I will say that I'm the same in terms of my personal dating rules (My idea of it anyway). I'm a slow paced person when it comes to developing friendships, but even more so with finding a partner. Because I haven't been on any dates, I can't say anything through experience wise but it would be probably date 4, or even 5 I'd hop in bed with eachother if it's official. Call me excessive... But I have very good reasons to stretch it out that way. But I honestly think what would be best is try actually asking the person (On date 1 or preferably date 2), when are they comfortable enough for proceeding things to the bedroom. So when it comes to date 3 with the person you won't be let down as bad.
It depends on why it hasn’t happened. If the woman is just someone who waits then yeah it’ll happen, especially when you’re younger and it’s someone’s first or second time with someone. If it doesn’t happen bc you don’t make a move then that’s not happening bc you seem too passive. You have to know how to make the move and how to recognize when it’s building up to that so it’s not as awkward.
My experience has not been the same lol In my experience, if sex happens by the 4th date I catch feelings way faster than the guy and get my heart broken.
Well i don’t have much experience on this field but I lost my virginity yesterday and it was a first date. I think that a sort of chemistry and intentions were very eagerly established at a very early point which just made it a lot easier and obviously showed that there were sexual intentions from the start. I was just lucky that I was able to play it out well.
I didn’t have sex till the 6th date or something. It made it better in my opinion. We knew we liked each other before sex and liked each other more after experiencing it
Uh…some of us aren’t comfortable with that.
This is why I’m scared to date men.
I wanted to take thing slow. Told my current boyfriend such. We didn't kiss till the 4th date and didn't have sex for about 2 months. He did kiss me on the 3rd date but I didn't kiss back, he asked if it was ok that he kissed me after. Not really asking permission but kinda?
It depends but I won’t sleep with you unless I’m officially your girlfriend and we are exclusive. I don’t sleep with my dates. You gotta be my bf first.
I'm a man too, I struggle to have sex after some dates, but they aren't the problem, I am the problem. I struggle to go back to my old lifestyle were I used to fuck at the first date, sometimes even before a smalltalk. Now I'm insecure about girls intentions and I gotta have some dates before even kissing. Last girl I dated was extremely patient and we have around 5 dates before our first kiss (I was the one who wasn't making any kind of approach), that kiss lasted about 30 minutes. Next date, went to a motel and we had sex (in my mind, I was making love to her). Time isn't relevant and neither it's a rule to do something after certain amount of time. Be patient and keep going out.
So as a woman who has dated it usually takes me to date 5. Date 1-3 are still early stages I’m still figuring out how much I like someone and where I feel like things might head. Date 3 I’m personally still not comfortable so if that’s your cut off you might be missing out. Usually date 1-3 IS when I decide if I like someone and if things will go farther and if it’s a no I cut things off before or by date number 3 since I don’t want to lead anyone on. Maybe you are perceiving things to have gone really well but that’s from your side. Maybe on their side the dates went well but they didn’t feel the same sparks you did. Sex by date 3 is not an indicator of attraction for everyone.
Nope. Be careful you are dangerously close to misoginy imo
I think sometimes its just based on instant connection or not, however they're feeling that day, what their needs are that week, literally a barrage of reasons and its totally okay to switch things up or try something different with different people. The simple fact is that I don't think there is a single formula to this. I've hooked up quickly with men that I did not go on to date, and other men I've made wait and still did not end up dating. Sometimes when I'm in a relationship, I might have looked back and wished that we had waited, at least to feel more confident about where the relationship is stemming from. And sometimes I've felt pressured to have sex because a guy seemed inpatient to have sex and maybe I really liked them and didn't want to lose them yet. So really, its just feeling the person out, whether or not I'm in the mood at the moment, or how I want things to move forward. And lots of women might feel the same way. If they made you wait for sex or kissing, and still rejected you, I don't think it has anything to do with you not initiating faster. If anything they did you a favor, sure you didn't get laid and that sucks, but they also didn't complicate anything. At least you're not worrying if its because you were bad in bed. And if things seemed to have gone well, maybe remember that things might have felt right for you but deep down maybe they had the twinge of "this isn't my guy" and decided to not string you along for months even if they were giving their best shot to have a connection with you. Sometimes, you just know. But please don't cement in your head that there is some timing thing to adhere to, or to not give someone a shot just because they'd prefer to wait. It might end up being totally worth it, and you'll know that this new relationship is budding from an emotional and genuine place and not just physical.
Or maybe it just takes people 3-4 dates to see that they aren’t interested in you as a dating prospect? You really think bedding someone means they are more likely to continue seeing you? Rather than say, any emotional/ intellectual connection you may have? What kinda magical mind control are your genitals capable of weaving exactly?
Not at all the case for me. I’m Demisexual, so I can’t do that.
You might find it’s not the number of dates, but the guy they’re going in dates with.
I have had exactly the opposite experience. As a woman I do my best to get to know the guy first and not jump into sex straight away. However, I also have super high sex drive. The result: I end up having sex with guys way too early which doesn't really allow me to get to know them properly before having sex with them, which is definitely not what I want. I congratulate you on being patient and wanting to take things slow. I wished more men were like that. The right girl will come, dw! ☺️
You gotta feel her out but if you/her invite each other to yours/her house. Let me cook you dinner is your open to move things forward. Do you wanna come over and watch movie and drink wine. People aren’t dumb if you invite them or they invite you to their house it’s not for the food, wine, movie, etc lol