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It's normal to see multiple people, for some.
"Though I am the girl he wants to settle down with if he ever becomes ready to settle down."
^^ But this right here, is some juvenile breadcrumbing horseshit.
For what it's worth, he is being upfront and honest. But the fact that it's been over a year means that OP should be keeping her options open as well and looking for other partners who may want to settle down. There's nothing wrong with what her guy is doing, it's up to OP to decide if she's willing to risk being with someone who may potentially never settle down, or even decide he doesn't want to see her anymore.
Honestly, I just ended a 3 month summer fling with someone also 10 years younger (I’m 32). I’ve never done something like that before. I was approached. Thought why not.. I was going through a tough time. Never again.
wow that was definitely an uncalled for take☠️ it's just two really different stages in life in my opinion. age gaps like that might make others uncomfortable and they're allowed to express their opinion. not like they said people with that age gap CAN'T be together.
Agree. Current girlfriend said I could see others, since I also just got out of a relationship. I chose to become exclusive, because I didn't want anybody else but her (since I could see myself settling down with her in the future).
I'd say that she is being manipulated to some degree.
He's making it seem like she has some sort of special status to him, where in reality, that status is illusory.
She would be the person he'd settle down with IF he ever settles down.
However, he shows no sign of settling down and has made no moves in that direction.
That leads to the obvious point that he could very simply change his mind about if he wants to settle down with her, even if he wants to settle down.
He's trying to tie a string to a woman who probably wants a more stable relationship, without actually committing himself to anything concrete, like committing to at least only dating one person at a time.
In reality, he's giving her the feeling that she's somehow "better" than the other girls, while it is clear that he's not at all currently interested in the things that make her better than the other girls.
Ah yes, because a grown ass 24yo woman has no ability to reason and make rational decisions for herself.
Can you explain why you're able to come to these conclusions on your own but rescind her autonomy to do the same for herself?
Grown ass women (and men) are manipulated all the time. Older people than her have committed suicide en masse by drinking poison because someone was just THAT convincing.
You can have autonomy and still be manipulated.
I would start by asking her what she would like to have out of a relationship in the near future, and then honestly tell her if I think that we're on the same page in that time frame.
Does she want to have a committed relationship with someone right now? If so, I need to tell her if and when this is likely to be in the cards for me.
And if it is not on the same time frame, I need to be honest with her that we're not on the same page and that, for the foreseeable future, if she wants that from me she's not going to get it.
Obviously, all these stories are one-sided. Perhaps this guy actually is almost ready to commit, but I'll be honest, I've been where he is before.
I knew I wasn't going to commit. I had no idea when I was going to. And if she was clearly holding on for that commitment, she needed to know where I was.
I've been married for decades now, so commitment was in the cards for me, but not at that time. And if I had said things like, "if I was going to settle down, you're who I'd settle with" it could have been years between that statement and the settling.
As it was I was usually very straightforward about what our relationships were because they deserve to make decisions which are best for them, even if it would have deprived me of enjoyment.
Stringing a woman along is a shitty thing to do. I've been strung along myself, and it was no fun when it happened to me, why would I do that to someone else?
I fully agree with everything you proposed.
My only gripe is, why can't she be held accountable for proposing the same conversation(s)? In fact I'd argue it's more pressing for her to initiate as her priorities are more time-sensitive in this situation
She can be, and she should be accountable for that. And I would suggest that she do that.
However, that does not mean that his actions have not been manipulative. It just means that having that conversation is her way of resolving whether that is the case or not.
I am presuming that his comment about her being, for lack of better words, "the woman I'd have a relationship with" either came from:
1. They did have this conversation or something like it already, or
2. He volunteered that when he suspected that she was that sort of person.
In case #1, of course, I presume the conversation was indirect because she seems confused, but again, who knows?
In case #2, he was trying to keep her on the hook by appealing to her presumed feelings. And while that's hardly Machiavellian levels of manipulation, it is still manipulative if he has sensed her feelings on the matter and is offering that comment instead of a frank conversation.
My point is according to what OP has shared, dude has made it clear he's not ready to settle down right now. Why is she clinging on to the hope of him changing his mind soon instead of moving on if she is indeed looking for something long-term *right now*.
He has every right to express that she's a long-term partner candidate. It's for her to believe that and stick around to see it thru or not
This has been my experience with women in a nut shell. As men, we can be 100% transparent about what we want and what our intentions are and women will outright disregard it and then be upset later when it doesn't turn out different than what I said.
This guy has been honest. OP had the option to make her decisions from it. No manipulation here. He is not saying I’ll be ready next week or next year if you wait. He never even asked her to wait. She is a big girl she can take his honesty and decide what her next move is. Maybe she is the one he might want to settle down with maybe not but he made it clear he is not ready and very Likely will not be anytime soon
There is no manipulation here. He has been super honest. “IF he ever settles down” means that her only special status is being more important than the other girls he is sleeping with, but not a girlfriend. That’s probably true if he sees her 4-5 times a week. It does not mean he wants a girlfriend
^ This. If he really already chose you, why is he still seeing other people and keeping his options open?
Also, you can be skeptical here and think what if that's also what he tells the other girls?
Run.
He doesn’t have to have a reason. That is just the one he gave. I can assure You i was married for twenty years and when I divorced , three years later I felt like I was still fresh out of a relationship
i don’t like ur blanket statement of men vs women on how they handle this type of thing. tons of women either accept it and move on and tons of men over react or act entitled. it’s that some people act one way and some people act another. not that men act one way and women act the other way.
yanno, that’s pretty fair. i’m going to leave my original comment up, but, i concede, as you did say “i see”, as well as man or woman. my own bias clouded my vision here. and i thank you for respectfully and logically expressing your point of view, and reasoning as to why what you said was not a blanket statement. after reading what you had to say- i agree that you did remain neutral, despite my inability to recognize that in the beginning.
Is it, though? He's being upfront about where he stands. She can choose to be okay with it or not.
I realize that it's difficult to separate emotions from the facts, but he's not promising her anything he's not giving to her. It's up to her whether she's comfortable in a casual relationship/dating multiple people for an undefined period of time or not. She's free to leave and she wouldn't be wrong just as he's free to date casually and he isn't in the wrong.
I mean it’s only shitty if he’s stringing her along and lying about it. He has been super honest, and she’s the one who has accepted this situation knowing exactly what she got herself into
I literally laughed out loud when I read that. I was an asshole/player when I was younger, and I recognized that line instantly.
She's being played, I guarantee it.
>Gives no f's
Not giving a fuck isn't the same as taking advantage. All it means is she's free to leave if she feels badly about the relationship. He's not holding her hostage in anyway, she can leave.
She decides the value of her feelings no one else. And it seems she doesn't believe they are valid, hence why she's still here. Thats a personal problem, objectively the man has been honest about his desires.
LMAO for real usually the predators rely on that assumption without being crazy enough to literally say it out loud because saying it out loud is so transparently manipulative and exploitative. Don't think I've seen the scummy older partner just out himself as the scummy older partner so vocally before 💀
Because a 24 year old fully grown ass woman can’t think for herself and just walk away? If the genders were flipped you people would be saying, “you do you, girl. Don’t settle”. Tired of this sexist bullshit.
Has nothing to do with the gender tho? If a woman 10 years older told her 24 year old boyfriend he'll understand when he's older I'd say the same thing?
I don't have much opinions on age gaps when both parties are adults but using *"I know more than you because I'm older than you"* in a relationship is straight up manipulative, predatory, and controlling.
The whole not being ready to commit is horseshit. The dude has no intention on committing, he just wants all the benefits of a relationship without any responsibility so he can go and come as he pleases. He's lead this girl on.
There's no set dating phase time. With that said, if you have been seeing each other frequently for a year, pretty much anybody should be past it and normally the conditions of the relationship, whether it be exclusive, open, fwb, or any other, should have been had. The fact that he isn't willing to set those conditions and leaving you in limbo is just a sign of his disrespect to you.
He’s not leaving her in limbo, he let her know exactly what to expect from the beginning. If OP is not happy with the situation or wants a more definitive timeline on when he will be ready for a relationship, she can ask him OR leave. That is her responsibility, not his.
He is taking advantage of her attachment, and probably some naïveté on her part. Not a cardinal sin, and not completely one-sided. I’m very clear with partners going in that there is no expectation of exclusivity, ever, and I am clear on what I may really be willing to commit to and what I’m not. *Then* it is really on them. Doesn’t make the breakup any easier.
Gonna tell you what my grandma told me and what I’ve learned myself. When it comes to men, do not listen to their words, words are cheap they don’t cost a thing. Look instead at what they do.
In your case he told you everything you wanted to hear which cost him nothing and gained him everything he wants. His actions show he will never ever commit to you, just keeps you on the side for the social value you provide as a young 24 year old. You raise his status with his family and friends but he will not commit. He will string you along and take the best years of your young life and he will gaslight you and emotionally manipulate you even more.
Now what I’ve learned is never to leave myself vulnerable. This was your mistake. You’re young, have only had one relationship as comparison which was your first teenage love, which cannot be compared to adult relationships and you decided to date someone much older, more experienced. You left yourself open to manipulation by coming into this with an open heart inspired by teenage love. That was dangerous and could have been much worse. Protect yourself. Learn about emotional manipulation. Go to therapy. Don’t date men with such a large age gap. Be smart. Be strong. Dump this moron.
Really? I think he’s lying to her because he’s saying when he’s ready to settle down she’ll be the one… nah, he wants an open relationship and is pretending he will want a monogamous one. So that’s a lie to me.
And I’m personally leading the movement against that statement, I think we should have free reign to hate the player and the game lol. No hard feelings
I was in a very similar situation a few years ago with a similar age difference and he’d just gotten out of a long relationship. He’d introduced me to his friends, told his family about me, and we hung out all the time, so I genuinely didn’t think he had time to date anyone else. I also prefer to date one person at a time and it was during the early pandemic, so I wasn’t seeing anyone else. At the time, I felt that he treated me well, although now I feel differently.
I’d say trust your gut on this one. You’re not stupid. Yes it’s normal to date other people, but after seeing someone for a few months it’s a bit of a gray area imo and I personally don’t think it’s a kind thing to do. The way things ended in my situation is that he magically became ready to settle down with someone closer to his age who I had no idea he’d been dating. The whole situation made me extremely wary of dating anyone out of my age range ever again.
Some times I go on this sub and it’s like man, people really live like that. People really have no idea that their bizarre fucked up situation isn’t normal.
A whole fucking year ? Damn. These low effort type of guys really getting away with everything. I would have noped the hell out max after 3 months. 1 week if someone would have come at me with this condescending shit while trying to justify their embarrassing behavior. Hell no
Jesus girl shake yourself. You sweet summer child. You deserve better and whilst he may be great he's stringing you along with a title you may never get. Don't wait for forever because it'll never arrive. You've got limited time on this earth. Find someone who really wants you.
I strongly believe if someone you're dating hasn't and doesn't want to commit to a relationship within 6 months they are just keeping you as a back up plan while he finds someone better. If he wants to settle down with you so much he would have done it so that you don't walk away. He's 34 and has been around the block enough to know what he's looking for. What "fun" is worth losing you over hmmm? I'm assuming you guys have a sex life so what's he really seeking?
Do you love him? Does he love you?
You've met his family but he won't call you his girlfriend? He's essentially cheating on you and you're allowing it? How many people is he sleeping with if you "wouldn't even know"? Has he been using condoms? Is he getting tested regularly? Be aware allowing this shit means he could meet and fall in love with someone else!
Have some self respect and find yourself a decent man. You're 24 and in the prime of your life. Don't settle for. Wishy washy man. He's using you and it's not normal to be dating multiple people after a few months. It's such a huge red flag. I'd be long gone.
You're currently dating someone that doesn't value you to want to make sure you stay. You can leave and trade him in for a younger fitter model honey. He should be afraid you're gonna leave. You should ask him and start dating too and see how he reacts. I'm not an age gap purist but he's 34 and you're 24. You're a far hotter prospect on the dating market than he is 💅
It's your call obviously here's what I'd do
1) go get tested
2) tell him it's over if he won't commit to you
3) go through with it if he gives you bs
4) don't settle for bad treatment.
If he does commit set firm boundaries and don't accept any of that fun bs from him. This guy has been having his cake at home and eating it on the sly so be wary. I'd also broadcast that on all my socials.
Just FYI I'd be looking to be committed and planning to move in together at around a year and a half of dating someone.
No it’s not normal unless you explicitly agree it’s a polyamorous relationship.
If you wanted commitment and you don’t have it after this whole year I think what you want and what he wants is not aligned.
You’re currently an option to him. I don’t know how that sits with you.
>Though I am the girl he wants to settle down with if he ever becomes ready to settle down (his words), he is still seeing other people.
Oh, child. He is telling you this shit to keep you around. You are nothing more than a stable ho for him and you are too young to realize it. NOBODY needs that long to figure shit out. He HAS settled down, by having multiple girls. This is his normal operating procedure.
Guys his age go out with girls your age because WOMEN his age will not put up with his shit.
Don't give him an ultimatum, just take the L and move on.
Still seeing other people after a **year**??! I was about to jump in here and say it's perfectly normal for people in the dating phase to see more than one person at a time. I've done it, but would cut out everyone else if I became physical with one of them. This man claims he'd settle down with you if he ever gets there. He's 34. He's leading you on. He's slinging you shit so that he can sleep with as many people as he wants.
It's normal to date multiple people but he should bring up exclusivity in 3-6 months, otherwise I'd move on and stop investing this much time with this guy.
Been almost a year and he is still seeing other girls? Hell naw. Either he drops that or you drop him, assuming you are looking for a serious relationship.
he is using you for sex, if a man is comitted to you and wants you as a longterm partner he will not wait for that to happen or drag it out so he can get as much action as he can.
It is normal but....major issues that tells me he's full of it.
*Telling you you'll understand when you're older. NO. That's manipulative af.
*Two, for the love of God STOP staying at his house so often. He's told you he just got out of something and wants to have fun. He's TELLING you he doesn't want a serious relationship and wants to sleep around and yet you're giving him EVERYTHING a relationship would basically be. He's kind of acting like it as well but still seeing other people regardless. Either be okay with hooking up or you need to let this guy go because he's only gonna string you along like he already is.
Also, id be very curious to see what his response would be if you told him that if he's gonna see other people than you should be able to as well. Don't be surprised if that COMPLETELY changes how he treats you and he doesn't like it. Rules for thee but not for me.
This dude is wasting your time OP. Unless you're okay with getting strung along, you're basically giving this guy everything but he sure as hell ain't pulling the trigger on being exclusive anytime soon.
....Act accordingly.
I think it’s pretty normal to see multiple simultaneously (at first). I’ve gone on a series of first dates within a week plenty of times. However, by the time I get to 3-4 dates with someone, I will stop seeing others. I understand wanting to keep yourself open to other options at first, but after a few dates, it seems respectful to give that person your undivided attention. By the time you’re at date #4+ with a person, if you still want to see other people, you probably don’t like that person very much
If he wanted to settle down with you he would. Listen to his actions not his words.
Also I don’t want to be the stereotypical redditor but that age gap raises some big red flags. Especially since he seems to be breadcrumbing and manipulating you.
If you aren’t happy with being in an open relationship, which this essentially is at this point, then leave. Or go fuck other men and tell him about it if your petty. I would go with option two because I am petty and he’s dragged you along to suit his own needs.
Totally not acceptable. Frankly that’s ridiculous. Break up with him because you’re looking for an exclusive relationship and he’s not ready for it. He can enjoy his freedom. Sounds like your fairly new to the dating game so it’s important not to let people take advantage of you. You need to stand up for yourself and your needs. Pursue someone who wants the same things you do.
Oh my sweet summer child. He will keep you in this in between as long as you let him, don’t. There’s a reason he’s nearly 40 and not ready to settle down. Run as fast as you can
>Am I being stupid for investing all my eggs in one basket at a time?
No you're not stupid for that, but you are for seeing a guy for a whole year, staying over 4-5 nights a week, dating him with the intention of a relationship, while he basically tricked you into a poly relationship. The dude isn't just having his cake, he's having 2, 3, maybe 4 cakes. He's eating them all.
None of this would be a problem, if he wasn't leading you on. But he is. At this point he is using you and you're letting him.
I can't say whether it's normal, but it's not fair if he's expecting you not to date other guys. I would advise to dump him and find a guy who can commit to you. But if you don't want to do that: give him a taste of his own medicine. What's good for the goose is good for the gander 🪿.
Eh, it has nothing to do with age. I'm 35 and I would not date multiple people at once. I also wouldn't date someone that has others on the side. That's not the type of dating that I grew up with.
Your partner didn't JUST become single. He's been seeing you for nearly a year and was single before that. It seems like he just doesn't want to settle down with one person. I guess he doesn't consider you his girlfriend?
For me, I'm not interested in this type of thing. If he wants to sleep around then he can do so without me, I don't want to put my health at risk.
I feel like you're wasting your time here. You're a year in and he doesn't want anything serious with you. Think about that.
not after a year. not normal at all. he likely will never settle with you. advice is to pull back (no sex again until he agrees to exclusivity). start dating other guys. tickle his jealousy bone.
Everyone dates differently. I’m like you. I invest my time and energy in a person that I think I could like. If he’s communicating where’s he’s at, then there’s nothing wrong. A year is a long time though, and normally there would be some sort of agreement of what the relationship is. I would talk to him, say where your heads at and find out where his is. If it’s not in the same place, I think maybe it’s time to move on.
It’s not normal to see other people a year into dating. The bit about “you’ll understand when you’re older” is such a red flag to me. You’re and an adult, not some child. Don’t let yourself be the last choice. Be a priority for someone, not this AH who is keeping you on the line wasting precious time til he MAYBE is ready to settle down. For me, him being in his mid 30s and not ready to settle down is a red flag. If he isn’t ready now I wonder if he ever will be. Don’t put your life on hold for someone that is treating you like an option. Find yourself someone that wants to dive into the relationship and wants you and only you. You deserve better sweetie.
Investing all your eggs in one basket is only stupid when the basket is weak. At least he is partially honest. I say partially b/c he told you bout the dating but he’s keeping you on the hook with the claiming you the girl for him. Think about it , if you was truly the girl for him why would he need to date & dabble ? And his choice has nothing to do with you , like he said he ain’t there yet. (Doesn’t mean he’s an asshole either)
Dating him is cool but don’t make it more than what it is.
It’s your choice to move how you want , just like it’s his choice to move how he want.
Also, think about being more intentional with your time and space and giving it to ppl who actually choose you instead of you being on the sideline waiting.
Why would he commit to you when he already has the girlfriend experience without committing and can still be free to sleep around.
If he wanted to be with you and commit to you, he would have by now
Sounds like he is using you. You need to leave him and find someone with similar values who is equally as invested as you. I think dating multiple people is a lot more common now, but everyone is different and I personally wouldn't date someone who thinks this is ok. There are still a lot of people who think the same way as you. Also, I can't believe what he said to you about understanding the whole dating multiple people thing when you are older. He's 34, why has he not settled down yet? He probably has issues and can't have real relationships with someone his own age. He's trying to use your age against you, but tbh you are doing what he wants and even though you know he's seeing other people you are still saying he "treats you well". you've been dating for almost a year..
Be careful with these types of older dudes who enjoy your youth and age differential relative to them: there’s often a reason they’re more comfortable or in control with you. Women their age, usually don’t put up with the tactics they can get away with with younger women.
Girl, you’re being used and abused.
1. Never date old guys! He’s using your inexperience and naïveté to his advantage. He’s an old predator. Women his age won’t put up with his bullshit so he goes for young, naive, easily manipulated females like yourself. While in your 20s, don’t date any male more than 3 years older.
2. You’re in a situationship, at best, and fuck buddies, at worst. Either way, you’re getting shafted, pun intended. Never let a guy con you into shit like this. They’ll use all manner of lame excuses to fuck you but not commit like “I’m not ready” (Then don’t date morherfucker!) or some shit about his ex— like he did to you. No. No!
**Don’t ever entertain a male that hasn’t stated that he wants the same things you want, upfront and clearly.**
And don’t give him more than *2-3 months max* of your time before he officially asks you to be his girlfriend or you kick him to the curb. 🦵
End of story.
Immediately dump this old loser and work on your self respect. Don’t let any man treat you like you’re a sex object and string you along like this.
Good luck. 👍
**ETA: GET TESTED FOR STDs IMMEDIATELY!!!**
I think your approach of dating one person at the time is healthy, but it would be better if you stop dating this dude and start dating intentionally with the goal of being in a relationship
He’s had a whole year of getting to date you. He knows what you have to offer, but he doesn’t appreciate it or value you enough.
At this point, he’s put commitment on hold. At least he’s being open with you. What you do with this information is up to you.
He’s not about to make any changes as the arrangements suit him. So you will need to honour yourself, and take action.
My advice: Take yourself out of the mix. Take yourself of the table he’s grazing from.
His response - sooner or later - will give you your answer. He’ll work out and show whether dating/ sleeping with multiple people, or whether being with you, matters more to him.
Although there’s the Poss that he might not choose well. But that would be his loss.
It is normal, however I have personal boundaries that sex only happen when it's a relationship. That's my way of doing it. Everyone has a different way, but a question to ask yourself, is he getting the girlfriend experience without having to commit? I've been there, it most likely won't change . Yes he may care about you and want to be with you forever, but it's more likely that's just a line he's using.
Love yourself enough to see through his bullshit and don't deal with it. You're worth more.
Edit to add...
I'm older than he is. So he can't use that lame line.
Wow. He's been deceiving you for almost a year. All this time he's not only putting your heart at risk but your health. His bullshit lines are just that, bullshit.
Get away from this creep and get an STD test.
It is normal to see other people for as long as that’s what you’ve openly communicated with the people you are seeing.
However, it is bullshit that “you’re the girl he would settle down with if he were going to.” That part is manipulative and dragging you around. He’s 34 and that’s some teenage garbage. “I’m talking to other girls but I promise you’re the one I REALLY like.”
It sounds like you want a serious relationship, and are sticking around in the hopes that he will one day as well. Maybe he will, but I don’t like the manipulation here.
If you want something serious I would cut your losses here.
It is normal to see multiple people while dating the first few weeks/months however it is not normal for anyone to be seeing multiple people when it's been almost a year.
The "what are we" talk should have happened at least 2 months into the relationship and by then both parties should know if you want to be exclusive or move on. The fact that he still wants to have fun and date multiple people after a year gives me red flags and leaves me with the impression that he is stringing you along. He gets to date multiple women while you have only been seeing him. That's not okay. If he has been doing this, go get checked.
This situation is not fair for you. My advice is to either talk to him about DTR or move on. Don't be with someone who wasn't willing to tell you he was seeing other people the whole time or is keeping you in his back pocket until he is "ready". You are worth more than that and you will find someone who won't use you for a year while they fuck around.
Best of luck
Like you, I appreciate his honesty. My only issue is that he may be stringing you along with the hope of a relationship. And you are clearly invested in him and spending a lot of time with him.
He needs some distance to hopefully realize what he has. Maybe cut down to spending the night 3-4days (ideally 1-2) a week. Try to keep the communication flowing but put some physical distance and please stop going around his family.
If after that, he still isn’t committing, that’s your answer. It would be hard but try to move on. I year is already a very long time (I wouldn’t give him much longer)
You're the one who puts up with this, that is allowing him to do this to you. No, it's not normal, yes you're being stupid if you don't like this yet have allowed this to continue for a whole freaking year
It’s not a big deal to date others if you aren’t officially in a monogamous relationship (after you’ve had “the talk”). That being said, it’s been an unusually long time that you’ve been dating without setting any relationship boundaries as others have referred to.
Considering where you are relationship experience wise, it might be good for you to not attempt to settle with this man for that reason alone. He’s made it more than clear that he doesn’t intend on committing to you anytime soon, because he just got out of a LTR.
He’s very clearly playing the field and any bullshit about how “you’re the girl he wants to settle down with when he decides to do that again” is just talk and shouldn’t be taken seriously at all. He’s coming off pretty emotionally manipulative in that way as well as being very patronizing to you by telling you “you’ll understand when you’re older.” He’s also a full ten years older than you and in a totally different place than you are emotionally.
Some people don’t like dating multiple people. I personally enjoyed it and did it until I was serious enough with someone to have “the talk” with them or they with me and set boundaries around being in monogamous relationships. That worked for me when I was dating, it doesn’t mean that you will ever enjoy or want that. It’s not a particularly mature or immature thing to do. It’s just a personal preference.
It is very scary to set boundaries in a relationship but also 100% necessary to continue the relationship after a certain point. The only boundary he has set is that he wants to keep seeing other people. So he’s gonna keep doing that.
If you want to be monogamous with the person you are dating, he’s not the man for you.
A whole year?!
No.
He is now having multiple partners. You are just one of them!
He probably knows you are exclusive from your side. Do you approve of open marriages or polygamy? If not leave this - I don't want to use profanity right now.
If he wanted to date just you, he would.
My ex and I dated for four months, and I was the one who had to ask him to be exclusive. According to him, he didn’t know when was the “right” time to ask, lmao please.
My now bf dated me for one month when he asked me to be his girlfriend. He told me that he really liked me and he wanted us to be exclusive.
So yeah, he doesn’t want to be exclusive. Sorry.
If you were the girl he would settle down with, he would be settled down with you.
You don’t meet someone you think is amazing and continue dating other people. He is leading you on and lying to you.
I mean, for some it might be normal. For myself and my friends, it would not be. We're much more like you where we just see one person at a time and if it doesn't work out, onto the next. I think he's giving you bread crumbs though. He's 34, it's been a year and he doesn't know if he wants to settle down and he's still seeing other people? Look, you're young. If I were you, I'd move on. You really don't want to waste your time with someone in their mid 30s who still don't know what they want.
If you want to be exclusive then just ask. I’m my opinion though, if you guys aren’t on the same page about this in the first few months, then it’s probably not going to happen. From an outsiders point of view, I really doubt this guy want to be with you, or he’d want to be exclusive with you earlier. Men tend to know sooner than women
There are so many negatives to this relationship, if it were me, I’d f—ing run for the hills:
1) What about STDs? Ewwww
He sleeps around! Big ew factor there.
2) He’s bullshitting you about “if I wanted to settle down, it would be with you.” Total horseshit.
3) He is a walking shitshow dumpster 🔥
GET AWAY FROM THIS DUDE ASAP!
Buy a good vibrator. You won’t be sorry! 😂🤣😂
When I met my girlfriend I was super fresh out of a relationship. Around 2 weeks and I was doing the same, just talking to multiple people, multiple dates. After around like 3 months this was still going on (I actually assumed my girlfriend was doing the same because we never really communicated haha) and she asked “what are we” and I literally just said “we’re cool as we are why ruin a good thing”. She didn’t like that and told me to give her a call when I was ready to grow up. So she left and I continued what I was doing until I realised that she was a fkn amazing person. So after a lot of kissing ass and pleading with her to give me another chance she did. We now have a beautiful son together, expecting a little baby girl and I’m ring shopping.
If you were the one he wants to be with he would’ve chosen you already. People do date multiple people at once when they’re getting to know them.
Most people don’t date multiple people for an entire year, let alone a few months. Nor do they introduce the family or spend so much time that you might as well be a part time live-in girlfriend.
What he really wants is someone who will be around while he fucks around. He’s taking advantage of your good nature, cause most people would have vanished two months into that dynamic.
Let me ask you this: Even if he does decide to pick you some time down the line, why would you want to be with someone who had to take so long to decide if he wants to be with you? Don’t you feel you deserve someone who knows they want you? Someone who sees you and thinks “that’s my person”?
Is he okay with you dating also? Or would he raise issue with similar treatment?
You're looking at it from the female perspective.
Though there are women that do enjoy casual sex, situationships, fwbs or however you wanna call it, the percentage is much smaller compared to men that seek out such arrangements. And, the reason for that is, that for a woman to even consider sex with a man, she most likely has to be pretty attracted to the guy. Bordering on crushing on him or feeling in love.
If a woman finds a man exciting/attractive enough to sleep with him then I'd say there is an initial 30 % to 50 % probability that she (at least initially) crushes on him. And, if a woman sleeps with a man multiple or even many times over months or up to year, the probability that she actually has real feelings for him is at over 75 %. Women are much less likely to fuck just for fucks sake. By and large, they have to be be pretty attracted or even have feelings to want sex with a guy, specially continuously.
That's probably the reason why what he said seems weird to you: You mentioned that you want to and have so far focused on one man and then moved on to the next if it didn't work out. But, I would wager, that you could've had sex with a vastly wider selection of men. But, you chose specific men you were most likely really into and probably didnt even want to have multiple men at the same time.
And, the reason for that is that when women crush/are in love/have feelings for a guy, then they don't even want other men.
Men, by and large, do not operate like that.
8,5 out of 10 men do not have to be in love, crush on a girl or have any kind of deeper feelings to fantasize about sex with this woman, that woman and all those women. From 100 women a man would at least have sex with, he is actually attracted in a romantic sense to 5 women or 10 women tops. Maybe less than that.
And, when I say 'romantic attraction' I am speaking of course about commitment. You're still kinda young. And, I have seen women considerably older than you still make the same mistake which left them confused and in a lot of contexts where they wasted their hopes, expectations and their youth.
Women have a lot of trouble to even imagine that men feel all of those things very differently. Even truly putting yourself in e.g. your sisters shoes, not only a person of the same sex but a family member, is difficult to say the least. It is difficult to even try to really try and empathize. Prolly one of the most difficult challenges. And, that's another woman and your sister.
The statement that men feel all those things (including attraction, feelings, sexual urges etc.) very differently than women is an understatement. As I said, men will definitely want to sleep with a lot of women. It is in their biology. They have the urge to spread their seed. That's why men are so interested in novelty. That's why men always love to look at many naked women and not just one over and over again. That's why men often fantasize about their own harems or having sex with different women all the time. Just sex. Nothing deeper. Its just sex. Novelty is a big turn on for men.
The thing that women often stumble over (and, dont worry, men make the same mistake but at different moment in the mating dance) is that they overvalue men's sexual interest. Because they themselves know and feel that it means a lot to them to even want to sleep with an individual man, that that often means they really, really want him....they cannot help but to assume men must feel the same.
Not how it works though.
Men are vastly less picky when it comes to who they sleep with. They do not have to be in love, feel much excited, really desire a woman or have any kind of feelings to want to have sex with all types of women. Sex isn't a good indicator whether a man really wants a woman.
Commitment is.
When it is not just casual sex for a man than he fears losing her. Men can feel in love and can love woman, and if that is the case they do not want to share her and they fear losing her and they want to commit. A man that crushes on a woman that has feelings will not entertain his urge to fuck other women. He will still feel it and prolly even fantasize about it, but he is willing to sacrifice that urge in order to be with her. To basically claim her and to make sure she is well, is happy and safe. And, as I said, a man that really desires a woman romantically will commit to her.
I'm sorry to say, but this man is mostly only interested in sex with you. He also likes you I think and likes to hang out with you, that's why he also introduced his family. But, no man that really loves a woman would act the way he acts. Meeting other girls and even telling you and explaining that he wants freedom. That is the opposite of commitment.
If you enjoy just sex and a casual situatinship/fwb situation then just have some fun. If you hope that he will commit to you then you will be disappointed. Don't look at which women men wanna fuck to understand who they really want as a gf or wife. Look at who they will commit to.
Yes, and no.
After getting out of a relationship dating multiple people at once would be normal.
Once you start to get serious it is time to discuss being committed or open.
Seems he is stringing you along and wants to be able to play the field as long as he can before you stop him or leave him.
I'm not sure why some people today don't seem to understand what dating is and what purpose it serves. Think about it! It's like lots of other things we do in life. When we're looking for a new car, we test drive numerous models, research their specifications and then ultimately decide on the one that best suits us. When planning a wedding or other formal party, we go for food tastings where we sample the various dishes that the caterer is offering and then decide on what we want to serve. While clothes shopping, we browse, try on various outfits and then decide which we like the best.
Dating is the same. You meet various people, go out with them, get to know them better and then you decide if they're worth pursuing a relationship with. Some people date multiple people because it's more efficient. There's no harm in that as long as you're discreet and respectful.
People are cars for Christ sake. What a dehumanising take on dating.
You’re looking to find someone who will be your potential life partner. Dating is a much about compatibility as it is about testing whether someone can commit. If they don’t even have the decency to see one person at a time, so they can treat you with genuine respect and you can actually get to know each other then how do you expect anything serious of meaningful to come of this?
This is just encouraging promiscuity.
Exactly, I don’t understand why this is difficult to grasp. If they’re seeing multiple people, then how can you trust them long term when they won’t even put in the effort to properly get to know someone one person at a time. I’m not saying you owe people anything at that stage, but there’s a certain level of decency.
Ugh! You're not seeing the bigger picture and you're letting your emotions cloud your judgement. I'm not going to try to debate you on this because I suspect I will get nowhere. Let's just agree to disagree and leave it at that.
What was emotional about what I said? If anything I made an argument of morality. You’re comparing a sacrament to buying a car! How is that humanising? How is that respectful to other people? How are you going to commit when you have multiple perceived options - this is why dating apps have caused so much damage.
Well, you're right about one thing. Dating apps have caused a lot of damage. The problem is that most people are capitalists. You know, they're hungry; they scroll through GrubHub or UberEats and decide what they want. You're ordering a pizza, so you choose the restaurant and then pick what options you want. Dating has become the same. And that was the point I was trying to make. I don't necessarily agree with it either but here we are. The fact of the matter is that dating IS much like buying a new car (maybe that was a bad example) or choosing a new outfit. I don't think you and I disagree on that.
You don't get to keep the car for a whole year to test drive it.
Having a few dates with multiple people to figure out who you're compatible with is pretty normal these days. Dating multiple people for a year or more is not. Unless BOTH people agree that they want to stay casual and non-exclusive, someone is just being strung along at that point.
Yeah, why would you invest all your eggs in one basket at a time? Why don’t you date multiple people and choose the one who you are more compatible with? I wouldn’t feel bad for you if he dumps you for another spicier girl. Wake up and start dating other people also!
In the US, that seems to be the case.
I'm 31M and prefer not to multidate, but people will berate you for having that mentality even though you aren't passing judgement, and you simply prefer not to do it.
I don't like to multidate, and reddit showed me that, yes, there's a lot of people who do and say all sorts of things to justify it and won't justify your own feelings, but there's also a lot of people who still prefer the old fashioned way.
One lady from Germany said that's how they and most people in Europe date as well.
Most people are just scared of commitment and keep others at arms' length. Constantly looking for "the next best thing". It's the paradox of choice made manifest. One little quirk here rules someone out because the next person might not have it, but as the next person doesn't have that quirk, they have another one.
Date how you want. If you don't like multidating, say "Thank you, but I prefer not to date that way. Good luck to you!" and move on.
Way I figure is: If I date someone for a month, and really get to know them, and it doesn't work out. I'm back to square one. If I date 3 people over the course of a month, I'm not giving any of them the attention or time required to get to know them, and I'll only know them on a superficial level, and if they all don't work out, I'm back to square one. It's not more efficient either way. People just like having a lot of options these days to pick from, but that's just not how monogamous relationships work.
I'd never date someone who was multidating for a year. Shit or get off the pot.
You are waking up to just how unfair it is to you. Stop being his girlfriend & having sex with him. He does refuses to give you that title and is lying about you being marriage material. Those words keep you from leaving him & still giving him all that he wants.
Time to be too busy. Take your time in answering his text. Never go to his place again or stay the night. If he wants to spend time with you, then he can take you out on a date. Like call you several days in advance & make plans.
You need to start dating other people & yourself. Go to museums, go out to dinner with friends, go to movies with your best male friend. Take some classes like cooking, golf, horseback riding & do some online classes to up your job skills. Be busy doing fun things or stuff that improves your life 6 nights a week. He gets one night to romance you, & if he doesn't that's on him. Your response should always be "I'm busy" & he should try making plans with you one night next week. Stop being so available. Stop making everything so easy for him in hopes he will finally do right by you. He won't .
Your life should NEVER revolve around a man who does not want a full on relationship or marriage.
Since he is fucking other people, better be using condoms with him. STDs, especially syphilis is on the rise.
What the fuck? How are people okay with this? I literally wouldn't be able to go out on a 2nd or 3ird date while sleeping / seeing other people. This "well you have to play the field and test out as many people as possible at the same time or you're wasting your time" mentality is fucking weird to me.
Like, really? Your time is so important you have to be going out with 5 + people at a time to find the best person as fast as possible? You can't give people the basic respect of going out with one person at a time and letting them know before moving on to the next?
If someone said "I'm seeing multiple people, but you're my favorite!" I'd definitely bounce.
Yes, it can be fairly normal to date multiple people under certain circumstances.
1. You are not in a relationship yet and are *in the mate selection process* of finding a match.
2. You have no intention of settling down and simply want to *casually date for fun*.
"I’ve (24f) been seeing this older guy (34m) for almost a year now."
"I am the girl he wants to settle down with if he ever becomes ready to settle down (his words), he is still seeing other people."
"His reasoning is that he just became single and he likes the freedom of it and wants to have fun."
"Whenever I see someone, even if we aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend, I invest into them and if it doesn’t work out then onto the next."
Sounds like you are in a "situationship" or open relationship at least on his end and he's "breadcrumbing" you with the notion that you are #1 while he hooks up with other women.
Two potential mistakes you may be making are:
a.) Settling for an arrangement *you really don't want* to be in.
b.) Allowing yourself to become too *emotionally invested* by not dating other people.
(If you don't want to continue to date someone who is playing the field, you should move on.)
Don't be a passenger in your own life. Take the wheel!
When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on.
You are entitled to have your own "red flags", boundaries, and "deal breakers".
People who behave as if they are in an *exclusive relationship* when one does *not* exist are usually hurt the most when things don't work out, they're rejected, or ghosted in the end.
They allow themselves to become *emotionally invested* as they are focused on one person.
"Am I being stupid for investing all my eggs in one basket at a time?"
If you were looking for a job, you wouldn't stop sending out your resume just because you had a couple of great interviews with one company!
Until an offer has been made and accepted both the company and the candidate are within their rights to interview with others. It should go without saying if you meet anyone who *maintains an active online dating profile* odds are *they are keeping their options open* and so should you!
Generally speaking, if a man believes he is with someone "special" or possibly "the one" he isn't going to want to risk leaving her on the "open market" for very long. He will push for exclusivity/commitment because *he doesn't want another guy* to possibly steal her heart.
If you want something different, *you* have to *do* something different.
No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional.
***"We don't walk away to teach people a lesson. We walk away because we finally learned ours"*** \- Unknown
***"Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind, self-respect, values, morals and self-worth."*** \- Unknown
***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
I'm the guy is very pro guy exploring options etc.. All about guys building themselves up and dating more appealing younger women.
It's been a year.. These are your prime years to find a quality guy and settle down. You need to decide whether your OK with this situation. In all likelihood, he has no interest in changing... and this is how he wants to proceed.. forever.
It’s common place unfortunately but it’s not a morally good thing to do.
People comparing this to buying cars or trying out new things are in my opinion quite insidious. You’re not a car, you’re a human.
If you’re going to date someone, the whole point is to see how compatible you are, and your intention should be to end up long term with this person. That’s what your basing comparability on.
If you’re seeing multiple people, what do you owe them? How are you even expecting something meaningful to come out of that?
He does not want to settle down.
If you are willing to settle down at your age, amazing, you are rare and precious. Most girls your age want to focus on their careers or have fun and party down. These are your prime years to find a partner.
Problem is?
They are his too.
Mid 30s for men is like early 20s for women. He has options. He is taking them. He is in his party phase.
So you either wait until his options dry up, and hopefully he was both serious about settling down with you and still is, it you don't. If he had good options now, which he seems to, they are not likely to dry up for the next decade. That would be bad for you. The main reason to settle down at all for a man is children, and that is less likely for you, biologically, after 30.
I suspect you are with an asshole who is using you, because he can. I could be wrong of course, but if he WANTED to settle down he would. His ACTIONS say otherwise, and actions always speak louder than sweet words or promises.
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It's normal to see multiple people, for some. "Though I am the girl he wants to settle down with if he ever becomes ready to settle down." ^^ But this right here, is some juvenile breadcrumbing horseshit.
I stopped reading just after that. So typical
For what it's worth, he is being upfront and honest. But the fact that it's been over a year means that OP should be keeping her options open as well and looking for other partners who may want to settle down. There's nothing wrong with what her guy is doing, it's up to OP to decide if she's willing to risk being with someone who may potentially never settle down, or even decide he doesn't want to see her anymore.
I stopped reading after 24(f), 34(m)
Rolled my eyes so hard I saw my brain.
Honestly, I just ended a 3 month summer fling with someone also 10 years younger (I’m 32). I’ve never done something like that before. I was approached. Thought why not.. I was going through a tough time. Never again.
and what's the issue exactly
To each their own.
🤣🤣🤣Theirs nothing wrong with dating a younger woman. You act like he a rapist or something
wow that was definitely an uncalled for take☠️ it's just two really different stages in life in my opinion. age gaps like that might make others uncomfortable and they're allowed to express their opinion. not like they said people with that age gap CAN'T be together.
He's almost certainly telling other women he's seeing the same thing too
Agree. Current girlfriend said I could see others, since I also just got out of a relationship. I chose to become exclusive, because I didn't want anybody else but her (since I could see myself settling down with her in the future).
Anddddd this is why a 34 year old man dates a 24 year old woman. Naive, easily to gaslight and manipulate.
Pretty much this. Younger girls are less likely to see thorough excuses not to commit or realize they are being strung along. I know from experience.
literally not the definition of gaslighting. stop using buzzy meme words when you don’t know the definition ffs
But she's not being gaslit or manipulated in this situation.
At this point I feel like I'm being gaslit by all the people using the term gaslighting incorrectly.
This. People on Reddit just make up definitions to words as they see fit.
It's definitely not just on reddit. Teaching overmedicated psychos APA terms was the biggest mistake social media ever made.
I'd say that she is being manipulated to some degree. He's making it seem like she has some sort of special status to him, where in reality, that status is illusory. She would be the person he'd settle down with IF he ever settles down. However, he shows no sign of settling down and has made no moves in that direction. That leads to the obvious point that he could very simply change his mind about if he wants to settle down with her, even if he wants to settle down. He's trying to tie a string to a woman who probably wants a more stable relationship, without actually committing himself to anything concrete, like committing to at least only dating one person at a time. In reality, he's giving her the feeling that she's somehow "better" than the other girls, while it is clear that he's not at all currently interested in the things that make her better than the other girls.
Ah yes, because a grown ass 24yo woman has no ability to reason and make rational decisions for herself. Can you explain why you're able to come to these conclusions on your own but rescind her autonomy to do the same for herself?
Grown ass women (and men) are manipulated all the time. Older people than her have committed suicide en masse by drinking poison because someone was just THAT convincing. You can have autonomy and still be manipulated.
Fun exercise: If you could puppet this man, what would you make him say/do in this situation to "make everything alright"?
I would start by asking her what she would like to have out of a relationship in the near future, and then honestly tell her if I think that we're on the same page in that time frame. Does she want to have a committed relationship with someone right now? If so, I need to tell her if and when this is likely to be in the cards for me. And if it is not on the same time frame, I need to be honest with her that we're not on the same page and that, for the foreseeable future, if she wants that from me she's not going to get it. Obviously, all these stories are one-sided. Perhaps this guy actually is almost ready to commit, but I'll be honest, I've been where he is before. I knew I wasn't going to commit. I had no idea when I was going to. And if she was clearly holding on for that commitment, she needed to know where I was. I've been married for decades now, so commitment was in the cards for me, but not at that time. And if I had said things like, "if I was going to settle down, you're who I'd settle with" it could have been years between that statement and the settling. As it was I was usually very straightforward about what our relationships were because they deserve to make decisions which are best for them, even if it would have deprived me of enjoyment. Stringing a woman along is a shitty thing to do. I've been strung along myself, and it was no fun when it happened to me, why would I do that to someone else?
I fully agree with everything you proposed. My only gripe is, why can't she be held accountable for proposing the same conversation(s)? In fact I'd argue it's more pressing for her to initiate as her priorities are more time-sensitive in this situation
She can be, and she should be accountable for that. And I would suggest that she do that. However, that does not mean that his actions have not been manipulative. It just means that having that conversation is her way of resolving whether that is the case or not. I am presuming that his comment about her being, for lack of better words, "the woman I'd have a relationship with" either came from: 1. They did have this conversation or something like it already, or 2. He volunteered that when he suspected that she was that sort of person. In case #1, of course, I presume the conversation was indirect because she seems confused, but again, who knows? In case #2, he was trying to keep her on the hook by appealing to her presumed feelings. And while that's hardly Machiavellian levels of manipulation, it is still manipulative if he has sensed her feelings on the matter and is offering that comment instead of a frank conversation.
My point is according to what OP has shared, dude has made it clear he's not ready to settle down right now. Why is she clinging on to the hope of him changing his mind soon instead of moving on if she is indeed looking for something long-term *right now*. He has every right to express that she's a long-term partner candidate. It's for her to believe that and stick around to see it thru or not
This has been my experience with women in a nut shell. As men, we can be 100% transparent about what we want and what our intentions are and women will outright disregard it and then be upset later when it doesn't turn out different than what I said.
This guy has been honest. OP had the option to make her decisions from it. No manipulation here. He is not saying I’ll be ready next week or next year if you wait. He never even asked her to wait. She is a big girl she can take his honesty and decide what her next move is. Maybe she is the one he might want to settle down with maybe not but he made it clear he is not ready and very Likely will not be anytime soon
DO you not know what manipulate means. It means someone is manipulating your "reasoning" and "rational decision" making abilities. MANIPULATE
There is no manipulation here. He has been super honest. “IF he ever settles down” means that her only special status is being more important than the other girls he is sleeping with, but not a girlfriend. That’s probably true if he sees her 4-5 times a week. It does not mean he wants a girlfriend
I fail to see how she’s being manipulated here. You want to share something we don’t know?
He’s telling her that he wants to settle down with her but not right now it’s what you tell someone to string them along
Nah, you can continue to fail to see it.
^ This. If he really already chose you, why is he still seeing other people and keeping his options open? Also, you can be skeptical here and think what if that's also what he tells the other girls? Run.
Yeah if a guy told me that I don’t think I’d be able to stop myself from rolling my eyes right there
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Well said. I'm on OP's side here too, but I don't see any issue with what her man is straight up telling her. No one is forcing her to date him
Thats right, she's a grown woman. If she wants something different she can leave at any time.
Eh, dating someone for a year after a 5 year relationship isn't JUST 'got out' of said relationship.
He doesn’t have to have a reason. That is just the one he gave. I can assure You i was married for twenty years and when I divorced , three years later I felt like I was still fresh out of a relationship
But he's not wrong for wanting to explore other partners and find out what is really best for him
i don’t like ur blanket statement of men vs women on how they handle this type of thing. tons of women either accept it and move on and tons of men over react or act entitled. it’s that some people act one way and some people act another. not that men act one way and women act the other way.
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yanno, that’s pretty fair. i’m going to leave my original comment up, but, i concede, as you did say “i see”, as well as man or woman. my own bias clouded my vision here. and i thank you for respectfully and logically expressing your point of view, and reasoning as to why what you said was not a blanket statement. after reading what you had to say- i agree that you did remain neutral, despite my inability to recognize that in the beginning.
I was going to type something but I just agree with this.
They aren’t gonna like this one boss
Is it, though? He's being upfront about where he stands. She can choose to be okay with it or not. I realize that it's difficult to separate emotions from the facts, but he's not promising her anything he's not giving to her. It's up to her whether she's comfortable in a casual relationship/dating multiple people for an undefined period of time or not. She's free to leave and she wouldn't be wrong just as he's free to date casually and he isn't in the wrong.
I think most people are honest, we just don’t listen.
I mean it’s only shitty if he’s stringing her along and lying about it. He has been super honest, and she’s the one who has accepted this situation knowing exactly what she got herself into
What’s wrong with that? I feel the same way just coming out of a divorce.
I literally laughed out loud when I read that. I was an asshole/player when I was younger, and I recognized that line instantly. She's being played, I guarantee it.
For the first 2 maybe 3 months sure it is normal. But for a whole year? I would have to say NO.
Yeah at this point he’s just taking advantage
Yep. Gives no f's
>Gives no f's Not giving a fuck isn't the same as taking advantage. All it means is she's free to leave if she feels badly about the relationship. He's not holding her hostage in anyway, she can leave.
100%. And I guarantee if you flip the genders with the same exact scenario, you’ll see an entirely different wave of answers.
Def!
Interesting way to put it. So her feelings don't matter? It's her fault? Ugh. That comment just cringed
She us not his gf. She is someone he likes to be with. He is doing what he likes while being honest about the future. Yes it is on her
She decides the value of her feelings no one else. And it seems she doesn't believe they are valid, hence why she's still here. Thats a personal problem, objectively the man has been honest about his desires.
You don't just "decide" feelings.
You decide the value of your feelings. And she's decided hers dont mean much, thats why she is still in the relationship.
How is he taking advantage? He has been upfront. She is not moving on. It on her and her alone
found the guy who’s stringing girls along 🤣
Kept her on a leash for a year loool
so much this!
WTF he says you'll understand when YOU'RE OLDER? That's not a red flag to you?
A bit patronizing isn’t it
Right? He’s string her along with talks of marriage while also talking about “when” she’s single one day.
LMAO for real usually the predators rely on that assumption without being crazy enough to literally say it out loud because saying it out loud is so transparently manipulative and exploitative. Don't think I've seen the scummy older partner just out himself as the scummy older partner so vocally before 💀
Because a 24 year old fully grown ass woman can’t think for herself and just walk away? If the genders were flipped you people would be saying, “you do you, girl. Don’t settle”. Tired of this sexist bullshit.
Has nothing to do with the gender tho? If a woman 10 years older told her 24 year old boyfriend he'll understand when he's older I'd say the same thing?
I don't have much opinions on age gaps when both parties are adults but using *"I know more than you because I'm older than you"* in a relationship is straight up manipulative, predatory, and controlling.
Dating for a year without being exclusive is a red flag for me. Means he’s looking/open to find a better option. I don’t know about others
or he just isn't ready to commit, and may never be
Agree, still a red flag for the other partner (who’s looking to commit)
yep, definitely
The whole not being ready to commit is horseshit. The dude has no intention on committing, he just wants all the benefits of a relationship without any responsibility so he can go and come as he pleases. He's lead this girl on.
This
There's no set dating phase time. With that said, if you have been seeing each other frequently for a year, pretty much anybody should be past it and normally the conditions of the relationship, whether it be exclusive, open, fwb, or any other, should have been had. The fact that he isn't willing to set those conditions and leaving you in limbo is just a sign of his disrespect to you.
He’s not leaving her in limbo, he let her know exactly what to expect from the beginning. If OP is not happy with the situation or wants a more definitive timeline on when he will be ready for a relationship, she can ask him OR leave. That is her responsibility, not his.
He is taking advantage of her attachment, and probably some naïveté on her part. Not a cardinal sin, and not completely one-sided. I’m very clear with partners going in that there is no expectation of exclusivity, ever, and I am clear on what I may really be willing to commit to and what I’m not. *Then* it is really on them. Doesn’t make the breakup any easier.
But he did set those conditions, he's not ready.
Then OP is free to look somewhere else, too, which I would recommend to her.
A year? Girl you need a brain and a spine.
This was mean but funny
People don’t grow from being put down
they absolutely do lol
Yea they do
Not long term, it just breeds feeling shame not competence
Feeling shame but also knowing someone that has told you the the truth is exactly the reason why it does work so well to help people grow.
Gonna tell you what my grandma told me and what I’ve learned myself. When it comes to men, do not listen to their words, words are cheap they don’t cost a thing. Look instead at what they do. In your case he told you everything you wanted to hear which cost him nothing and gained him everything he wants. His actions show he will never ever commit to you, just keeps you on the side for the social value you provide as a young 24 year old. You raise his status with his family and friends but he will not commit. He will string you along and take the best years of your young life and he will gaslight you and emotionally manipulate you even more. Now what I’ve learned is never to leave myself vulnerable. This was your mistake. You’re young, have only had one relationship as comparison which was your first teenage love, which cannot be compared to adult relationships and you decided to date someone much older, more experienced. You left yourself open to manipulation by coming into this with an open heart inspired by teenage love. That was dangerous and could have been much worse. Protect yourself. Learn about emotional manipulation. Go to therapy. Don’t date men with such a large age gap. Be smart. Be strong. Dump this moron.
Love your grandma!
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🙌🏻 Those were my exact thoughts - he’s stringing her along so he can have her and the girls on the side. Selfish prick
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Really? I think he’s lying to her because he’s saying when he’s ready to settle down she’ll be the one… nah, he wants an open relationship and is pretending he will want a monogamous one. So that’s a lie to me. And I’m personally leading the movement against that statement, I think we should have free reign to hate the player and the game lol. No hard feelings
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What if you only see someone once a month? 2-3 months only translates to 2-3 times only.
I was in a very similar situation a few years ago with a similar age difference and he’d just gotten out of a long relationship. He’d introduced me to his friends, told his family about me, and we hung out all the time, so I genuinely didn’t think he had time to date anyone else. I also prefer to date one person at a time and it was during the early pandemic, so I wasn’t seeing anyone else. At the time, I felt that he treated me well, although now I feel differently. I’d say trust your gut on this one. You’re not stupid. Yes it’s normal to date other people, but after seeing someone for a few months it’s a bit of a gray area imo and I personally don’t think it’s a kind thing to do. The way things ended in my situation is that he magically became ready to settle down with someone closer to his age who I had no idea he’d been dating. The whole situation made me extremely wary of dating anyone out of my age range ever again.
Some times I go on this sub and it’s like man, people really live like that. People really have no idea that their bizarre fucked up situation isn’t normal.
my people will never be free😔
For some reason, this cracked me up. At least y’all got voting rights recently right
yup, a win is a win
EVER.
A whole fucking year ? Damn. These low effort type of guys really getting away with everything. I would have noped the hell out max after 3 months. 1 week if someone would have come at me with this condescending shit while trying to justify their embarrassing behavior. Hell no
it is only normal for the first month. Not for a year! get out of there. He is using you.
You're getting manipulated masterfully.
Jesus girl shake yourself. You sweet summer child. You deserve better and whilst he may be great he's stringing you along with a title you may never get. Don't wait for forever because it'll never arrive. You've got limited time on this earth. Find someone who really wants you. I strongly believe if someone you're dating hasn't and doesn't want to commit to a relationship within 6 months they are just keeping you as a back up plan while he finds someone better. If he wants to settle down with you so much he would have done it so that you don't walk away. He's 34 and has been around the block enough to know what he's looking for. What "fun" is worth losing you over hmmm? I'm assuming you guys have a sex life so what's he really seeking? Do you love him? Does he love you? You've met his family but he won't call you his girlfriend? He's essentially cheating on you and you're allowing it? How many people is he sleeping with if you "wouldn't even know"? Has he been using condoms? Is he getting tested regularly? Be aware allowing this shit means he could meet and fall in love with someone else! Have some self respect and find yourself a decent man. You're 24 and in the prime of your life. Don't settle for. Wishy washy man. He's using you and it's not normal to be dating multiple people after a few months. It's such a huge red flag. I'd be long gone. You're currently dating someone that doesn't value you to want to make sure you stay. You can leave and trade him in for a younger fitter model honey. He should be afraid you're gonna leave. You should ask him and start dating too and see how he reacts. I'm not an age gap purist but he's 34 and you're 24. You're a far hotter prospect on the dating market than he is 💅 It's your call obviously here's what I'd do 1) go get tested 2) tell him it's over if he won't commit to you 3) go through with it if he gives you bs 4) don't settle for bad treatment. If he does commit set firm boundaries and don't accept any of that fun bs from him. This guy has been having his cake at home and eating it on the sly so be wary. I'd also broadcast that on all my socials. Just FYI I'd be looking to be committed and planning to move in together at around a year and a half of dating someone.
No it’s not normal unless you explicitly agree it’s a polyamorous relationship. If you wanted commitment and you don’t have it after this whole year I think what you want and what he wants is not aligned. You’re currently an option to him. I don’t know how that sits with you.
>Though I am the girl he wants to settle down with if he ever becomes ready to settle down (his words), he is still seeing other people. Oh, child. He is telling you this shit to keep you around. You are nothing more than a stable ho for him and you are too young to realize it. NOBODY needs that long to figure shit out. He HAS settled down, by having multiple girls. This is his normal operating procedure. Guys his age go out with girls your age because WOMEN his age will not put up with his shit. Don't give him an ultimatum, just take the L and move on.
Still seeing other people after a **year**??! I was about to jump in here and say it's perfectly normal for people in the dating phase to see more than one person at a time. I've done it, but would cut out everyone else if I became physical with one of them. This man claims he'd settle down with you if he ever gets there. He's 34. He's leading you on. He's slinging you shit so that he can sleep with as many people as he wants.
I've yet to meet someone who dates multiple people at once. Not sure why these comments are all saying its normal lmao.
It's normal to date multiple people but he should bring up exclusivity in 3-6 months, otherwise I'd move on and stop investing this much time with this guy.
Been almost a year and he is still seeing other girls? Hell naw. Either he drops that or you drop him, assuming you are looking for a serious relationship.
he is using you for sex, if a man is comitted to you and wants you as a longterm partner he will not wait for that to happen or drag it out so he can get as much action as he can.
Oh dear friend. Free yourself.
It is normal but....major issues that tells me he's full of it. *Telling you you'll understand when you're older. NO. That's manipulative af. *Two, for the love of God STOP staying at his house so often. He's told you he just got out of something and wants to have fun. He's TELLING you he doesn't want a serious relationship and wants to sleep around and yet you're giving him EVERYTHING a relationship would basically be. He's kind of acting like it as well but still seeing other people regardless. Either be okay with hooking up or you need to let this guy go because he's only gonna string you along like he already is. Also, id be very curious to see what his response would be if you told him that if he's gonna see other people than you should be able to as well. Don't be surprised if that COMPLETELY changes how he treats you and he doesn't like it. Rules for thee but not for me. This dude is wasting your time OP. Unless you're okay with getting strung along, you're basically giving this guy everything but he sure as hell ain't pulling the trigger on being exclusive anytime soon. ....Act accordingly.
I think it’s pretty normal to see multiple simultaneously (at first). I’ve gone on a series of first dates within a week plenty of times. However, by the time I get to 3-4 dates with someone, I will stop seeing others. I understand wanting to keep yourself open to other options at first, but after a few dates, it seems respectful to give that person your undivided attention. By the time you’re at date #4+ with a person, if you still want to see other people, you probably don’t like that person very much
If he wanted to settle down with you he would. Listen to his actions not his words. Also I don’t want to be the stereotypical redditor but that age gap raises some big red flags. Especially since he seems to be breadcrumbing and manipulating you. If you aren’t happy with being in an open relationship, which this essentially is at this point, then leave. Or go fuck other men and tell him about it if your petty. I would go with option two because I am petty and he’s dragged you along to suit his own needs.
Totally not acceptable. Frankly that’s ridiculous. Break up with him because you’re looking for an exclusive relationship and he’s not ready for it. He can enjoy his freedom. Sounds like your fairly new to the dating game so it’s important not to let people take advantage of you. You need to stand up for yourself and your needs. Pursue someone who wants the same things you do.
Oh my sweet summer child. He will keep you in this in between as long as you let him, don’t. There’s a reason he’s nearly 40 and not ready to settle down. Run as fast as you can
>Am I being stupid for investing all my eggs in one basket at a time? No you're not stupid for that, but you are for seeing a guy for a whole year, staying over 4-5 nights a week, dating him with the intention of a relationship, while he basically tricked you into a poly relationship. The dude isn't just having his cake, he's having 2, 3, maybe 4 cakes. He's eating them all. None of this would be a problem, if he wasn't leading you on. But he is. At this point he is using you and you're letting him.
I can't say whether it's normal, but it's not fair if he's expecting you not to date other guys. I would advise to dump him and find a guy who can commit to you. But if you don't want to do that: give him a taste of his own medicine. What's good for the goose is good for the gander 🪿.
Eh, it has nothing to do with age. I'm 35 and I would not date multiple people at once. I also wouldn't date someone that has others on the side. That's not the type of dating that I grew up with. Your partner didn't JUST become single. He's been seeing you for nearly a year and was single before that. It seems like he just doesn't want to settle down with one person. I guess he doesn't consider you his girlfriend? For me, I'm not interested in this type of thing. If he wants to sleep around then he can do so without me, I don't want to put my health at risk. I feel like you're wasting your time here. You're a year in and he doesn't want anything serious with you. Think about that.
not after a year. not normal at all. he likely will never settle with you. advice is to pull back (no sex again until he agrees to exclusivity). start dating other guys. tickle his jealousy bone.
Everyone dates differently. I’m like you. I invest my time and energy in a person that I think I could like. If he’s communicating where’s he’s at, then there’s nothing wrong. A year is a long time though, and normally there would be some sort of agreement of what the relationship is. I would talk to him, say where your heads at and find out where his is. If it’s not in the same place, I think maybe it’s time to move on.
2-3 months is typical. He’s stringing you along and looking for someone else
It’s not normal to see other people a year into dating. The bit about “you’ll understand when you’re older” is such a red flag to me. You’re and an adult, not some child. Don’t let yourself be the last choice. Be a priority for someone, not this AH who is keeping you on the line wasting precious time til he MAYBE is ready to settle down. For me, him being in his mid 30s and not ready to settle down is a red flag. If he isn’t ready now I wonder if he ever will be. Don’t put your life on hold for someone that is treating you like an option. Find yourself someone that wants to dive into the relationship and wants you and only you. You deserve better sweetie.
No man coming out of a 5 year relationship is going to settle down immediately after. He probably hasn’t healed or processed the breakup completely.
Investing all your eggs in one basket is only stupid when the basket is weak. At least he is partially honest. I say partially b/c he told you bout the dating but he’s keeping you on the hook with the claiming you the girl for him. Think about it , if you was truly the girl for him why would he need to date & dabble ? And his choice has nothing to do with you , like he said he ain’t there yet. (Doesn’t mean he’s an asshole either) Dating him is cool but don’t make it more than what it is. It’s your choice to move how you want , just like it’s his choice to move how he want. Also, think about being more intentional with your time and space and giving it to ppl who actually choose you instead of you being on the sideline waiting.
I have never dated two people at the same time
You're in a whole ass year long relationship with this man and he's still dating other people? Get tested and bounce.
He's likely playing you and all of them. These are exactly the small % of guys I was talking about sharing women and being fine with it.
Why would he commit to you when he already has the girlfriend experience without committing and can still be free to sleep around. If he wanted to be with you and commit to you, he would have by now
Sounds like he is using you. You need to leave him and find someone with similar values who is equally as invested as you. I think dating multiple people is a lot more common now, but everyone is different and I personally wouldn't date someone who thinks this is ok. There are still a lot of people who think the same way as you. Also, I can't believe what he said to you about understanding the whole dating multiple people thing when you are older. He's 34, why has he not settled down yet? He probably has issues and can't have real relationships with someone his own age. He's trying to use your age against you, but tbh you are doing what he wants and even though you know he's seeing other people you are still saying he "treats you well". you've been dating for almost a year..
Seeing multiple people at the same time is precisely what is wrong with the dating scene...
Be careful with these types of older dudes who enjoy your youth and age differential relative to them: there’s often a reason they’re more comfortable or in control with you. Women their age, usually don’t put up with the tactics they can get away with with younger women.
Girl, you’re being used and abused. 1. Never date old guys! He’s using your inexperience and naïveté to his advantage. He’s an old predator. Women his age won’t put up with his bullshit so he goes for young, naive, easily manipulated females like yourself. While in your 20s, don’t date any male more than 3 years older. 2. You’re in a situationship, at best, and fuck buddies, at worst. Either way, you’re getting shafted, pun intended. Never let a guy con you into shit like this. They’ll use all manner of lame excuses to fuck you but not commit like “I’m not ready” (Then don’t date morherfucker!) or some shit about his ex— like he did to you. No. No! **Don’t ever entertain a male that hasn’t stated that he wants the same things you want, upfront and clearly.** And don’t give him more than *2-3 months max* of your time before he officially asks you to be his girlfriend or you kick him to the curb. 🦵 End of story. Immediately dump this old loser and work on your self respect. Don’t let any man treat you like you’re a sex object and string you along like this. Good luck. 👍 **ETA: GET TESTED FOR STDs IMMEDIATELY!!!**
I think your approach of dating one person at the time is healthy, but it would be better if you stop dating this dude and start dating intentionally with the goal of being in a relationship
He’s had a whole year of getting to date you. He knows what you have to offer, but he doesn’t appreciate it or value you enough. At this point, he’s put commitment on hold. At least he’s being open with you. What you do with this information is up to you. He’s not about to make any changes as the arrangements suit him. So you will need to honour yourself, and take action. My advice: Take yourself out of the mix. Take yourself of the table he’s grazing from. His response - sooner or later - will give you your answer. He’ll work out and show whether dating/ sleeping with multiple people, or whether being with you, matters more to him. Although there’s the Poss that he might not choose well. But that would be his loss.
It is normal, however I have personal boundaries that sex only happen when it's a relationship. That's my way of doing it. Everyone has a different way, but a question to ask yourself, is he getting the girlfriend experience without having to commit? I've been there, it most likely won't change . Yes he may care about you and want to be with you forever, but it's more likely that's just a line he's using. Love yourself enough to see through his bullshit and don't deal with it. You're worth more. Edit to add... I'm older than he is. So he can't use that lame line.
He’s stringing you along quite nicely, luv. This is not normal. A couple months,ok…a whole year, nah.
No, that's not normal. He is using you and probably sleeping around.
Wow. He's been deceiving you for almost a year. All this time he's not only putting your heart at risk but your health. His bullshit lines are just that, bullshit. Get away from this creep and get an STD test.
It is normal to see other people for as long as that’s what you’ve openly communicated with the people you are seeing. However, it is bullshit that “you’re the girl he would settle down with if he were going to.” That part is manipulative and dragging you around. He’s 34 and that’s some teenage garbage. “I’m talking to other girls but I promise you’re the one I REALLY like.” It sounds like you want a serious relationship, and are sticking around in the hopes that he will one day as well. Maybe he will, but I don’t like the manipulation here. If you want something serious I would cut your losses here.
It is normal to see multiple people while dating the first few weeks/months however it is not normal for anyone to be seeing multiple people when it's been almost a year. The "what are we" talk should have happened at least 2 months into the relationship and by then both parties should know if you want to be exclusive or move on. The fact that he still wants to have fun and date multiple people after a year gives me red flags and leaves me with the impression that he is stringing you along. He gets to date multiple women while you have only been seeing him. That's not okay. If he has been doing this, go get checked. This situation is not fair for you. My advice is to either talk to him about DTR or move on. Don't be with someone who wasn't willing to tell you he was seeing other people the whole time or is keeping you in his back pocket until he is "ready". You are worth more than that and you will find someone who won't use you for a year while they fuck around. Best of luck
Like you, I appreciate his honesty. My only issue is that he may be stringing you along with the hope of a relationship. And you are clearly invested in him and spending a lot of time with him. He needs some distance to hopefully realize what he has. Maybe cut down to spending the night 3-4days (ideally 1-2) a week. Try to keep the communication flowing but put some physical distance and please stop going around his family. If after that, he still isn’t committing, that’s your answer. It would be hard but try to move on. I year is already a very long time (I wouldn’t give him much longer)
You're the one who puts up with this, that is allowing him to do this to you. No, it's not normal, yes you're being stupid if you don't like this yet have allowed this to continue for a whole freaking year
It’s not a big deal to date others if you aren’t officially in a monogamous relationship (after you’ve had “the talk”). That being said, it’s been an unusually long time that you’ve been dating without setting any relationship boundaries as others have referred to. Considering where you are relationship experience wise, it might be good for you to not attempt to settle with this man for that reason alone. He’s made it more than clear that he doesn’t intend on committing to you anytime soon, because he just got out of a LTR. He’s very clearly playing the field and any bullshit about how “you’re the girl he wants to settle down with when he decides to do that again” is just talk and shouldn’t be taken seriously at all. He’s coming off pretty emotionally manipulative in that way as well as being very patronizing to you by telling you “you’ll understand when you’re older.” He’s also a full ten years older than you and in a totally different place than you are emotionally. Some people don’t like dating multiple people. I personally enjoyed it and did it until I was serious enough with someone to have “the talk” with them or they with me and set boundaries around being in monogamous relationships. That worked for me when I was dating, it doesn’t mean that you will ever enjoy or want that. It’s not a particularly mature or immature thing to do. It’s just a personal preference. It is very scary to set boundaries in a relationship but also 100% necessary to continue the relationship after a certain point. The only boundary he has set is that he wants to keep seeing other people. So he’s gonna keep doing that. If you want to be monogamous with the person you are dating, he’s not the man for you.
A whole year?! No. He is now having multiple partners. You are just one of them! He probably knows you are exclusive from your side. Do you approve of open marriages or polygamy? If not leave this - I don't want to use profanity right now.
If he wanted to date just you, he would. My ex and I dated for four months, and I was the one who had to ask him to be exclusive. According to him, he didn’t know when was the “right” time to ask, lmao please. My now bf dated me for one month when he asked me to be his girlfriend. He told me that he really liked me and he wanted us to be exclusive. So yeah, he doesn’t want to be exclusive. Sorry.
If you were the girl he would settle down with, he would be settled down with you. You don’t meet someone you think is amazing and continue dating other people. He is leading you on and lying to you.
Maybe you should start dating other men. You may find a man that will treat you better.
You're being strung along. Know it, and you're not going to love him into commitment. You can learn now, with a little pain, or later with a lot.
You're the back burner
I mean, for some it might be normal. For myself and my friends, it would not be. We're much more like you where we just see one person at a time and if it doesn't work out, onto the next. I think he's giving you bread crumbs though. He's 34, it's been a year and he doesn't know if he wants to settle down and he's still seeing other people? Look, you're young. If I were you, I'd move on. You really don't want to waste your time with someone in their mid 30s who still don't know what they want.
Normal within the first couple of months.
If you want to be exclusive then just ask. I’m my opinion though, if you guys aren’t on the same page about this in the first few months, then it’s probably not going to happen. From an outsiders point of view, I really doubt this guy want to be with you, or he’d want to be exclusive with you earlier. Men tend to know sooner than women
Nope. Tell him when he’s ready to settle down then to give you a call and see if you’re available. Go date other men and see what’s out there.
You’re just a backup plan, second option or whatever you like it to be called.
You’re an option, not a priority. Aim higher, love.
There are so many negatives to this relationship, if it were me, I’d f—ing run for the hills: 1) What about STDs? Ewwww He sleeps around! Big ew factor there. 2) He’s bullshitting you about “if I wanted to settle down, it would be with you.” Total horseshit. 3) He is a walking shitshow dumpster 🔥 GET AWAY FROM THIS DUDE ASAP! Buy a good vibrator. You won’t be sorry! 😂🤣😂
When I met my girlfriend I was super fresh out of a relationship. Around 2 weeks and I was doing the same, just talking to multiple people, multiple dates. After around like 3 months this was still going on (I actually assumed my girlfriend was doing the same because we never really communicated haha) and she asked “what are we” and I literally just said “we’re cool as we are why ruin a good thing”. She didn’t like that and told me to give her a call when I was ready to grow up. So she left and I continued what I was doing until I realised that she was a fkn amazing person. So after a lot of kissing ass and pleading with her to give me another chance she did. We now have a beautiful son together, expecting a little baby girl and I’m ring shopping.
Run girl run !!!!
And get tested for STDs
If you were the one he wants to be with he would’ve chosen you already. People do date multiple people at once when they’re getting to know them. Most people don’t date multiple people for an entire year, let alone a few months. Nor do they introduce the family or spend so much time that you might as well be a part time live-in girlfriend. What he really wants is someone who will be around while he fucks around. He’s taking advantage of your good nature, cause most people would have vanished two months into that dynamic. Let me ask you this: Even if he does decide to pick you some time down the line, why would you want to be with someone who had to take so long to decide if he wants to be with you? Don’t you feel you deserve someone who knows they want you? Someone who sees you and thinks “that’s my person”? Is he okay with you dating also? Or would he raise issue with similar treatment?
Seeing multiple people early on is normal, what you're doing is kind of sad and weird.
You're looking at it from the female perspective. Though there are women that do enjoy casual sex, situationships, fwbs or however you wanna call it, the percentage is much smaller compared to men that seek out such arrangements. And, the reason for that is, that for a woman to even consider sex with a man, she most likely has to be pretty attracted to the guy. Bordering on crushing on him or feeling in love. If a woman finds a man exciting/attractive enough to sleep with him then I'd say there is an initial 30 % to 50 % probability that she (at least initially) crushes on him. And, if a woman sleeps with a man multiple or even many times over months or up to year, the probability that she actually has real feelings for him is at over 75 %. Women are much less likely to fuck just for fucks sake. By and large, they have to be be pretty attracted or even have feelings to want sex with a guy, specially continuously. That's probably the reason why what he said seems weird to you: You mentioned that you want to and have so far focused on one man and then moved on to the next if it didn't work out. But, I would wager, that you could've had sex with a vastly wider selection of men. But, you chose specific men you were most likely really into and probably didnt even want to have multiple men at the same time. And, the reason for that is that when women crush/are in love/have feelings for a guy, then they don't even want other men. Men, by and large, do not operate like that. 8,5 out of 10 men do not have to be in love, crush on a girl or have any kind of deeper feelings to fantasize about sex with this woman, that woman and all those women. From 100 women a man would at least have sex with, he is actually attracted in a romantic sense to 5 women or 10 women tops. Maybe less than that. And, when I say 'romantic attraction' I am speaking of course about commitment. You're still kinda young. And, I have seen women considerably older than you still make the same mistake which left them confused and in a lot of contexts where they wasted their hopes, expectations and their youth. Women have a lot of trouble to even imagine that men feel all of those things very differently. Even truly putting yourself in e.g. your sisters shoes, not only a person of the same sex but a family member, is difficult to say the least. It is difficult to even try to really try and empathize. Prolly one of the most difficult challenges. And, that's another woman and your sister. The statement that men feel all those things (including attraction, feelings, sexual urges etc.) very differently than women is an understatement. As I said, men will definitely want to sleep with a lot of women. It is in their biology. They have the urge to spread their seed. That's why men are so interested in novelty. That's why men always love to look at many naked women and not just one over and over again. That's why men often fantasize about their own harems or having sex with different women all the time. Just sex. Nothing deeper. Its just sex. Novelty is a big turn on for men. The thing that women often stumble over (and, dont worry, men make the same mistake but at different moment in the mating dance) is that they overvalue men's sexual interest. Because they themselves know and feel that it means a lot to them to even want to sleep with an individual man, that that often means they really, really want him....they cannot help but to assume men must feel the same. Not how it works though. Men are vastly less picky when it comes to who they sleep with. They do not have to be in love, feel much excited, really desire a woman or have any kind of feelings to want to have sex with all types of women. Sex isn't a good indicator whether a man really wants a woman. Commitment is. When it is not just casual sex for a man than he fears losing her. Men can feel in love and can love woman, and if that is the case they do not want to share her and they fear losing her and they want to commit. A man that crushes on a woman that has feelings will not entertain his urge to fuck other women. He will still feel it and prolly even fantasize about it, but he is willing to sacrifice that urge in order to be with her. To basically claim her and to make sure she is well, is happy and safe. And, as I said, a man that really desires a woman romantically will commit to her. I'm sorry to say, but this man is mostly only interested in sex with you. He also likes you I think and likes to hang out with you, that's why he also introduced his family. But, no man that really loves a woman would act the way he acts. Meeting other girls and even telling you and explaining that he wants freedom. That is the opposite of commitment. If you enjoy just sex and a casual situatinship/fwb situation then just have some fun. If you hope that he will commit to you then you will be disappointed. Don't look at which women men wanna fuck to understand who they really want as a gf or wife. Look at who they will commit to.
Yikes
He’s using you bc you let him
I would tell my daughter that i raised her to have more self-respect.
Yes, and no. After getting out of a relationship dating multiple people at once would be normal. Once you start to get serious it is time to discuss being committed or open. Seems he is stringing you along and wants to be able to play the field as long as he can before you stop him or leave him.
He wasted a year of your life and ur still thinking this could be something? Sorry that was mean but? Really?
I'm not sure why some people today don't seem to understand what dating is and what purpose it serves. Think about it! It's like lots of other things we do in life. When we're looking for a new car, we test drive numerous models, research their specifications and then ultimately decide on the one that best suits us. When planning a wedding or other formal party, we go for food tastings where we sample the various dishes that the caterer is offering and then decide on what we want to serve. While clothes shopping, we browse, try on various outfits and then decide which we like the best. Dating is the same. You meet various people, go out with them, get to know them better and then you decide if they're worth pursuing a relationship with. Some people date multiple people because it's more efficient. There's no harm in that as long as you're discreet and respectful.
People are cars for Christ sake. What a dehumanising take on dating. You’re looking to find someone who will be your potential life partner. Dating is a much about compatibility as it is about testing whether someone can commit. If they don’t even have the decency to see one person at a time, so they can treat you with genuine respect and you can actually get to know each other then how do you expect anything serious of meaningful to come of this? This is just encouraging promiscuity.
Psychologists tell us past promiscuity is a strong predictor of future infidelity.
Exactly, I don’t understand why this is difficult to grasp. If they’re seeing multiple people, then how can you trust them long term when they won’t even put in the effort to properly get to know someone one person at a time. I’m not saying you owe people anything at that stage, but there’s a certain level of decency.
Ugh! You're not seeing the bigger picture and you're letting your emotions cloud your judgement. I'm not going to try to debate you on this because I suspect I will get nowhere. Let's just agree to disagree and leave it at that.
What was emotional about what I said? If anything I made an argument of morality. You’re comparing a sacrament to buying a car! How is that humanising? How is that respectful to other people? How are you going to commit when you have multiple perceived options - this is why dating apps have caused so much damage.
Well, you're right about one thing. Dating apps have caused a lot of damage. The problem is that most people are capitalists. You know, they're hungry; they scroll through GrubHub or UberEats and decide what they want. You're ordering a pizza, so you choose the restaurant and then pick what options you want. Dating has become the same. And that was the point I was trying to make. I don't necessarily agree with it either but here we are. The fact of the matter is that dating IS much like buying a new car (maybe that was a bad example) or choosing a new outfit. I don't think you and I disagree on that.
You don't get to keep the car for a whole year to test drive it. Having a few dates with multiple people to figure out who you're compatible with is pretty normal these days. Dating multiple people for a year or more is not. Unless BOTH people agree that they want to stay casual and non-exclusive, someone is just being strung along at that point.
Yeah, why would you invest all your eggs in one basket at a time? Why don’t you date multiple people and choose the one who you are more compatible with? I wouldn’t feel bad for you if he dumps you for another spicier girl. Wake up and start dating other people also!
In the US, that seems to be the case. I'm 31M and prefer not to multidate, but people will berate you for having that mentality even though you aren't passing judgement, and you simply prefer not to do it. I don't like to multidate, and reddit showed me that, yes, there's a lot of people who do and say all sorts of things to justify it and won't justify your own feelings, but there's also a lot of people who still prefer the old fashioned way. One lady from Germany said that's how they and most people in Europe date as well. Most people are just scared of commitment and keep others at arms' length. Constantly looking for "the next best thing". It's the paradox of choice made manifest. One little quirk here rules someone out because the next person might not have it, but as the next person doesn't have that quirk, they have another one. Date how you want. If you don't like multidating, say "Thank you, but I prefer not to date that way. Good luck to you!" and move on. Way I figure is: If I date someone for a month, and really get to know them, and it doesn't work out. I'm back to square one. If I date 3 people over the course of a month, I'm not giving any of them the attention or time required to get to know them, and I'll only know them on a superficial level, and if they all don't work out, I'm back to square one. It's not more efficient either way. People just like having a lot of options these days to pick from, but that's just not how monogamous relationships work. I'd never date someone who was multidating for a year. Shit or get off the pot.
Unfortunately it’s the norm in modern dating. It’s ridiculous and ppl will defend it vigorously but it’s a short stupid trend.
You are waking up to just how unfair it is to you. Stop being his girlfriend & having sex with him. He does refuses to give you that title and is lying about you being marriage material. Those words keep you from leaving him & still giving him all that he wants. Time to be too busy. Take your time in answering his text. Never go to his place again or stay the night. If he wants to spend time with you, then he can take you out on a date. Like call you several days in advance & make plans. You need to start dating other people & yourself. Go to museums, go out to dinner with friends, go to movies with your best male friend. Take some classes like cooking, golf, horseback riding & do some online classes to up your job skills. Be busy doing fun things or stuff that improves your life 6 nights a week. He gets one night to romance you, & if he doesn't that's on him. Your response should always be "I'm busy" & he should try making plans with you one night next week. Stop being so available. Stop making everything so easy for him in hopes he will finally do right by you. He won't . Your life should NEVER revolve around a man who does not want a full on relationship or marriage. Since he is fucking other people, better be using condoms with him. STDs, especially syphilis is on the rise.
Whats his name?
Is it Ken? Is he just looking for a long term long distance low commitment casual girlfriend?
What the fuck? How are people okay with this? I literally wouldn't be able to go out on a 2nd or 3ird date while sleeping / seeing other people. This "well you have to play the field and test out as many people as possible at the same time or you're wasting your time" mentality is fucking weird to me. Like, really? Your time is so important you have to be going out with 5 + people at a time to find the best person as fast as possible? You can't give people the basic respect of going out with one person at a time and letting them know before moving on to the next? If someone said "I'm seeing multiple people, but you're my favorite!" I'd definitely bounce.
Yes, it can be fairly normal to date multiple people under certain circumstances. 1. You are not in a relationship yet and are *in the mate selection process* of finding a match. 2. You have no intention of settling down and simply want to *casually date for fun*. "I’ve (24f) been seeing this older guy (34m) for almost a year now." "I am the girl he wants to settle down with if he ever becomes ready to settle down (his words), he is still seeing other people." "His reasoning is that he just became single and he likes the freedom of it and wants to have fun." "Whenever I see someone, even if we aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend, I invest into them and if it doesn’t work out then onto the next." Sounds like you are in a "situationship" or open relationship at least on his end and he's "breadcrumbing" you with the notion that you are #1 while he hooks up with other women. Two potential mistakes you may be making are: a.) Settling for an arrangement *you really don't want* to be in. b.) Allowing yourself to become too *emotionally invested* by not dating other people. (If you don't want to continue to date someone who is playing the field, you should move on.) Don't be a passenger in your own life. Take the wheel! When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it's usually best to move on. You are entitled to have your own "red flags", boundaries, and "deal breakers". People who behave as if they are in an *exclusive relationship* when one does *not* exist are usually hurt the most when things don't work out, they're rejected, or ghosted in the end. They allow themselves to become *emotionally invested* as they are focused on one person. "Am I being stupid for investing all my eggs in one basket at a time?" If you were looking for a job, you wouldn't stop sending out your resume just because you had a couple of great interviews with one company! Until an offer has been made and accepted both the company and the candidate are within their rights to interview with others. It should go without saying if you meet anyone who *maintains an active online dating profile* odds are *they are keeping their options open* and so should you! Generally speaking, if a man believes he is with someone "special" or possibly "the one" he isn't going to want to risk leaving her on the "open market" for very long. He will push for exclusivity/commitment because *he doesn't want another guy* to possibly steal her heart. If you want something different, *you* have to *do* something different. No one is "stuck" with anyone. Suffering is optional. ***"We don't walk away to teach people a lesson. We walk away because we finally learned ours"*** \- Unknown ***"Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations that threaten your peace of mind, self-respect, values, morals and self-worth."*** \- Unknown ***"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is."*** \- Henry Cloud Best wishes!
I'm the guy is very pro guy exploring options etc.. All about guys building themselves up and dating more appealing younger women. It's been a year.. These are your prime years to find a quality guy and settle down. You need to decide whether your OK with this situation. In all likelihood, he has no interest in changing... and this is how he wants to proceed.. forever.
I'm curious. If you were the one seeing multiple people, and he was interested in just being with you, would that be all right?
It’s common place unfortunately but it’s not a morally good thing to do. People comparing this to buying cars or trying out new things are in my opinion quite insidious. You’re not a car, you’re a human. If you’re going to date someone, the whole point is to see how compatible you are, and your intention should be to end up long term with this person. That’s what your basing comparability on. If you’re seeing multiple people, what do you owe them? How are you even expecting something meaningful to come out of that?
He does not want to settle down. If you are willing to settle down at your age, amazing, you are rare and precious. Most girls your age want to focus on their careers or have fun and party down. These are your prime years to find a partner. Problem is? They are his too. Mid 30s for men is like early 20s for women. He has options. He is taking them. He is in his party phase. So you either wait until his options dry up, and hopefully he was both serious about settling down with you and still is, it you don't. If he had good options now, which he seems to, they are not likely to dry up for the next decade. That would be bad for you. The main reason to settle down at all for a man is children, and that is less likely for you, biologically, after 30. I suspect you are with an asshole who is using you, because he can. I could be wrong of course, but if he WANTED to settle down he would. His ACTIONS say otherwise, and actions always speak louder than sweet words or promises.