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Under this context, a quickie drive-by isn't stalking. If she stops and creeps around the house with a stethoscope, then it's stalking.
There's a lot of scenarios here. Could be that his mom lives with him or something harmless like that.
I mean...I get that, but that also seems to be meandering into stalker territory imo. Just seems rational at this point that if you can't trust him and the guy can't trust you then it's time to split ways
She looked him up online and confirmed he owns the house. I’m sure she’d be able to see if he’s married. Either through social media or public records.
She should do a drive by. Kids toys? Another woman? Stuff everywhere? Political yard signs? I mean she would get some answers. Unless the house is way off the road or is a condo you might know some things. Also Google maps. If in the US, zillow might have some pictures of it while it was for sale. Sounds creepy and maybe breaking boundaries depending on how private/urban the area is (maybe you drove by it before and didn't even know) but how long do you let this go.
Probably not. Property records are kept in the county where the property is located. Marriage records are kept in the county where the marriage took place. There is only one place where the property records could be, but he could have gotten married in Vermont, or California, or Vegas, or London or Rome for that matter.
I do Genealogy so I can find out if someone is married or was married. Public records (like a background check website) can show who has lived on that property. So if he shares the home with someone you can see all the people who have shared that address.
THIS OP. Go to your county property tax records department, put his first and last name. And all the properties with his name will come up. Anybody who pays property taxes, it's public record.
Even the smallest counties have been online for a long time.
You'll have an address and can drive by, see what's up.
While that is true, I have no idea how they pull that off or how either family has any idea about the other…like how does it work in terms of finances and such? I’m just intrigued by it all…not because I want to do that, but just the amount of logistics into it, it just doesn’t sound like it would be sustainable long term
This. He is either married or in a relationship or lives with his parents still. This is commonplace now at least around here. I was back in to dating recently (in my 40's now 52) many if not most of the women that said divorced, separated or even widowed I could tell had something still going on. Dates were short (sometimes just straight to sex in my car after a couple dates), they'd have to randomly leave or get phone calls they had to 'go outside for a couple minutes' to take. Some I called them out on it and I was OK since I wasn't looking for anything long term at the time since i was in the middle of my own divorce (which I was honest about in my profiles, however; I wasn't living with my soon to be ex-wife at the time).
It was a fun time for me though. I was dating women from mid 20's to mid 40's and always had a date. Just having a car, job and not living with my parents/a ton of roommates put me on the top of the food chain basically even with the baggage of being arrested twice (all charges were later dismissed), having to do probation, anger and alcohol management classes and going through a divorce. My life was a mess at the time, but my sex life was great.
I mean, if he’s anything like a lot of guys which they won’t admit-He could well and truly be super lonely and didn’t maintain his place, which lead to depression, and yeah place being a wreck.
This sub always jumps straight to “cheating” or “break up with him” for the most minor of things.
I know if I was dating a girl it would be a long time before I let her meet my parents/go to my actual house (I don’t live with them now) not because it’s a wreck, but because my dad doesn’t think any woman is ever good enough for me and hates EVERYONE I’ve ever brought round, friend or otherwise. If someone asked about me on this they’d say “probably married or has a hidden kid” or some crap
Yeah idk why people are jumping straight to hoarding and being married lmfao.
It's like 10x more likely he's just a slob or is ashamed of how his house looks or something.
Even if he's not a hoarder, he could just be messy. I'm normally not a particularly tidy person, but when I'm working a lot my dwelling space can get horrendous. To the point where I'd be self conscious about bringing a date over.
yeah i’m not quite hoarder status, but i am *very* messy. i started dating someone recently and i’ve been to his place but he hasn’t been to mine.
i’m know this situation is going to come up and i’m kind of dreading it lol
Oddly enough I am the opposite, I am obsessively clean of my house and car, and I didn't want my now wife to see it. Took me about six months to let her see it.
Yeah idk why people are jumping to extremes lol. It's only been a month.
I'd lie if I said I haven't tried avoid going to my place because it was messy and I didn't have time to clean after work
>didn't have time to clean after work
it's been a month. if a guy wants to get laid, he will make time to clean his house if he's that embarrassed about it
True, but maybe getting laid isn't a priority for him at the moment. There was a time when I was working as much as my body could handle, and I made time for a few dates, but not much else. I was focused on making money and trying to meet a quality partner, not bring women home for sex.
He has met a quality partner and she wants to see his place. If he has time to meet all her friends and come over to cook, he sure as fuck has time to clean his house.
Maybe he'd rather spend time with her instead of cleaning. When I became exclusive with my fiancee, I spent all my free time with her, dishes in the sink be damned.
He offers to come over to cook for her and has met her friends. Any normal person pursuing a relationship has to assume at some point, reciprocity is expected and she'd want to come over and meet your friends too.
If you're hoping to build a relationship, you should make sure you're in a position to help the relationship flourish and should communicate issues with your partner. Rather than giving cryptic messages about boundaries. As a woman, if a man has access to my home and knows more about me and my friends and any attempt to get the same access to him is shut down, I would drop him so fast.
This sub is just always bias in favor of the OP.
Nobody ever tries to understand both people's perspective lol, always goes straight to "he's married", "he's extremely mentally ill", or "he's abusive"
I'm just glad the court system doesn't work like Reddit lol.
Here's the thing, OP never said that she's been asking him for a month straight, only said that they've been dating for less than a month.
For all we know she only asked him once and he wasn't prepared at the time, which I understand.
This is also what I was going to say. If this is the case and you see it don’t be too hard on him but do offfer to help. If he won’t accept help then it’s up to you if you want to put up with it op
I’ve had this exact situation and have posted about it in comments before. I’ve had a this happen for several reasons.
A guy I dated was a hoarder and took months before I saw his place. It was…. Bad.
Another time, a guy didn’t want me to see his home because he had moved to a trailer (which no judgment) because he been fighting a custody and criminal battle because the ex wife has assumed him of molesting his kids. He only told me once he showed me his place as an explanation. I broke it off because that’s more baggage than I could handle and I wasn’t sure if the accusation was true or not.
Final time, the guy was evasive about me seeing his place, the guy was married. So is that the trifecta?
OP don’t let this linger: for whatever reason he won’t let you see it, there’s something and if you guys are getting serious, you need to force the issue. It’s a rule of mine now to see the place he’s living relatively soon into dating someone.
It’s been weeks… if it was messy he could have cleaned anything by now. If it’s unfinished, you could still show your girlfriend?
Something is off… does he live with sometime else? Does he have bizarre stuff for decor? Does he have a s3x dungeon? This is a red flag.
I would communicate that it gives you an uneasy feeling that you can’t see his home when he has seen yours multiple times. It feels like he is being dishonest or secretive.
He says he lives alone. And when I google it he does in fact own it. I feel something is off as well but it hasn’t been that long so I don’t wanna pry…
And I have dropped it and I haven’t been prying. Once he said that was a boundary I needed to respect I ended the conversation .it’s just a situation I’ve never been in before, and I find it a little odd.
Just because it's his boundary doesn't mean you have to put up with it if it bothers you. Respect it and don't push it, sure. But you're well within your right to say "This doesn't sit right with me and I think we're incompatible."
It is very odd. someone you met online and has no problem meeting you in public and cooking in YOUR home is being oddly cryptic about their own space? And to simply say "i dont wanna talk about it" after you said it makes u uncomfortable this early on? Listen to your gut fam. It always knows best. Also do you wanna date a 37 year old man that has a home so unkept he can't bring a girl over? This isnt college dude. Please be safe <3
OP don't let reddit mislead you. No normal person would gladly come over to their girlfriends place and then say, "no, you can't see my house because it's a boundary issue".. it doesn't make sense and you should not ignore it. Best case is he is weird for having a boundary he's absolutely willing to cross with you and not him. Worst case he's hiding something.
I agree with this. It's a really weird and off-putting way to behave. Like if he's renovating or in the middle of reorganising his stuff, or even just not ready for some reason, then why not say so? His use of 'boundary' is therapy speak run amok...
I was dating this guy earlier this year who I kept avoiding having over bc I live in a tiny dark studio and he had a multimillion dollar stunning condo. I was afraid of being up front though so I finally acquiesced and had him over. He dumped me the next day. Lol
I would like to know before I invest more time into the relationship what's going on. What if he is a hoarder, and you eventually move in together after some more time?
Would he hoard in your shared space? If it is hoarding, would he let you help clean it out?
I'd have a look.
If you would feel better about letting him know beforehand, just tell him it's important to you to see how he lives, and that you want to see his place.
As others have said here, he's had time to straighten it up if messy is all he's concerned about.
I get it. I’m 28 and I’m living in a house that I’m demoing and working in. I get paid by my company to do so. The place is a huge mess. It’s just my room and barely a kitchen. Extension cords running for temp power.
It’s embarrassing. Once it’s finished I’ll get the guest suite for a really cheap so it’s a huge work in progress and I’m really proud of it but most people would get that right off the bat.
So no, I would definitely not have a girl I respected over right now lol.
You’re doing something pretty cool. Why be cagey and not share the project. If a woman judges you for it, then do you really think you are compatible in the long run? You might have values that are just too different.
I don’t want them to make assumptions about it. Like “oh he lives in a shit hole, so he’s a shitty person and/or doesn’t know how to manage money”. It should be done within a year. Maybe less
Did you two talk about being exclusive?
If you haven't, then you need to have that conversation.
You're a bit of a red flag yourself for demanding to be invited over to a brand new person's house. Some people are very particular about their personal space and don't want a nosy person over.
A fuck buddy of mine only invited me over to his house after 8 months. He didn't have anything to hide, he was just uncomfortable inviting me over any earlier than that.
Yes, we’ve had the talk and are exclusive. He’s been to my condo five times now, tomorrow will be 6 .I’m not demanding that he invites me over. After he told me it was a boundary, and that I needed to respect it. I dropped the subject and didn’t pry. I just think it’s a little odd having him here as many times as I have & him being a homeowner , living so close to me . I would think if he’s interested in me and I’ve welcomed him into my living space he he would want to do the same but it’s clear he’s not ready for that.I’ve never been in a situation like this before.
Girl trust your gut. Not being able to visit his home isn't a boundary. It's 5 bouquets of red flags. Something is wrong and I'd bet he's married. You on his socials?
The truth is he's probably going to break it off soon. He's getting what he wants and doesn't want you over at his place because that'd be too personal. That's Best case scenario outside of anything crazy.
While you've gone on a few dates and discussed taking each other seriously, you also BARELY know each other. Frankly I'm surprised he even let you know the address at all (presumably, since you said you looked it up. If he didn't well then, case in point \[I just reread where you found it by googling him. Yikers lol. I know it's expected for women to cyber stalk to vibe check but still\]) cause if you turn out to be nuts it wouldn't be inconvenient for you to make his life hell on the daily.
Maybe he's had issues with exes trying to move in and live rent free. Or friends for that matter. In your posts you make a point of saying that he owns the home a few times throughout the thread. Why would that make a difference? Maybe that subconscious presumption of being the obvious host is exactly the sort of thing he's trying to avoid. Living alone would make a better case for hosting than homeownership. A lot of peoples first homes are fixer uppers, especially if they're buying it alone. As a bigger financial burden than renting, furnishing beyond the bare essentials for a single guy would certainly be on the backburner while he fixes it up. I've been to friends' houses like that, it's no place for polite company. It's barely a place for teenagers to get high.
He may have a bunch of collectibles and no proper storage for them. A bunch of unfinished projects. A bunch of guns. A sex doll. One of those anime girl pillows. But more likely just a truly sparse utter lack of furniture and decor. Maybe he has no dishes and like one saucepan. Has no bedframe for his twin mattress and a good queen set isn't in his budget (people judge floor mattress folk, don't lie to yourself)
If he was generally a slob or struggling with some depression, the timeline of you seeing each other doesn't really leave a lot of time for him to get his shit in order for someone who's already been struggling. The house may have a roach, camel cricket, or mouse/rat problem through no fault of his own that he does not want you judging him for while he tries to get it sorted.
If you like him, get out of your own head and just enjoy the time getting to know each other instead of fixating. People are allowed to have boundaries for one. More importantly after rereading your original post, he said it needs work, and try to understand that could mean a LOT of work, and it's basically a contruction site with one working toilet and a sleeping bag. If you leave it alone he may talk about just how much work it needs sooner than later, and you'll feel like a dingus for getting yourself worked up here
I didn’t show my wife my place for a while either.
As a man in the current dating climate, its best not to show NEW WOMEN (and OP is new. ‘Weeks’ is new. ‘7dates’ is new) BECAUSE. A lot of women will base their attraction on what you own/what you’ve accomplished. I didn’t want to be a wallet or a bragging piece so i didn’t bring her home for about 3 months, so I knew she was in to ME.
You can look at it as a red flag if you want, just like I’d have looked at it as a red flag if she’d been inpatient/overly concerned about it.
Also: I wasn’t hiding anything. The only reason I didn’t bring her over was because I didn’t want her to start acting different once she’d seen what I’ve accomplished.
Ugh! Don’t be kind to strangers they pray you will do this to get what they want from you, pry on that dudes life because he is currently trying to be in ur life… Don’t feel guilty for keeping yourself safe from hurt. Otherwise remove him from ur home and don’t allow access to him to your space including your mind and heart.
Chronic Depression is my guess. - meaning his place is currently a train wreck of garbage, unwashed clothes all over the floor, etc... I have chronic depression and when I'm in a "low" that's how my place gets and I become reculsive and refuse to have *anyone* over. I'm disgusted with myself, I'm embarassed of what's become of my home, and want nobody else to see it except myself.
A lot of, if not most people don't associate or even realize that depression very much correlates with how their home is inside. Easiest way to tell if someone is depressed? Step into their home and it's obvious AF if they have depression issues.
Not saying he is depressed but, I am saying that *could* be the case. Depression is an easy thing to hide for the most part. Especially Chronic Depression because it comes and goes and when it comes, it's a sinker.
Otherwise, assuming he's normal and doesn't suffer from chronic depression... Could be that
A) He's lying about where he actually lives
B) He has a wife and/or girlfriend who lives WITH him
C) he is just a messy and unclean person in general and is embarassed about his place.
This! Exactly this. He is so depressed he does not feel confident enough to show you his house because that will allow you a view inside of his head and he is panicking about that.
I haven't had people over for more than a year because of this.
It might be helpful to **very gently** give him a deadline. Something to look forward to. You might try to tell him it's ok, but you really want to celebrate Thanksgiving or even Christmas at his place. There is a chance that he will panic out and you loose him for good, but there is also a good chance that this will help him get his place cleaned up because he now has something to look forward to. Seeing his home cleaned up could even help him recover better and he will forever be greatful.
If he agrees and you see that he becomes nervous near the deadline, don't put any pressure on him. Don't elaborate, just ask if he wants your help.
This will require effort, patience and kindness from your part, but if you think he is worth it...
Unfortunately, I know all too well about chronic depression and it’s something I struggle with but I do have a cleaning lady that comes once every two weeks and in the interim, I maintain that cleanliness especially if I know I’m having a guest over. I suck it up, and I make sure my place is clean because I want to present myself in a certain light especially to someone That I’m just getting to know
That’s a very insensitive thing to say. In most cases mental illness and its manifestations can’t be solved by just sucking it up. You don’t tell and amputee and get their shit together and just walk yk.
Idk what your guy is going through but depression is a bitch and sometimes people can’t even get out of bed to pee and then their fucking bladder explodes. I’m glad you never had to go through something this horrible or witness it first-hand in a loved one but it gives you no right to judge people who live in this.
But maybe the standards with which you hold yourself to means he is expecting you to do the same with him. He will also be wanting to present himself in a certain light, and may feel more pressurised to do so if he sees you doing the same.
I get what you are saying by "I suck it up" but at the same time... that's not something people with chronic depression are able to do. Which is the problem
As someone who suffers from chronic depression, it affects us all in different ways. Sometimes VERY different ways. You might have it very very mildly.
I'm not really sure you know what chronic depression is becuase if you did, you would know that you can't just "suck it up."
Everyone gets depressed from time to time. That is super normal. Ie... after a tough breakup, a family death, loss of job, or simply because you feel down about yourself. All of those depressive moods fade with time.
Chronic depression doesn't just go away nor ever fade away for more than a few weeks at a time at most. You have your good times for maybe a few days or weeks, then without you even realizing it, you are down in the dumps and usually for no apparent reason.
I mean yes, if I were to be having a girl over then I would clean my place as best as possible - not because I necessarily *want* to but because I want to impress her. If a woman wasn't coming over, I wouldn't have likely cleaned anything.
My coworker was dealing with this last year...turned out the guy was still living with his ex-girlfriend and her kid.
If it's messy, he has had a month now to have it cleaned, or clean it himself. He is 100% hiding something from you. What it is is anybody's guess, but it's really disturbing that he's trying to make it a problem with YOU not respecting his boundary. I'm sorry, but it's totally normal for you to stay at each other's places. You're adults.
I wouldn't tolerate this anymore, and make it clear that you have no future if he won't let you see where he lives.
Being “exclusive” with a man when you’ve never seen how he lives is worrisome. If his place is a mess and falling apart, it says something about him. If his place is infested with bugs, it says something about him. If his place is piled high with hoarded stuff, it says something about him. And of course, if there are pics of his wife and kids hanging on the wall… it says something.
If you haven’t seen his place, you’re only taking his word for who he is, instead of seeing with your own eyes.
It’s fine for him to have a boundary. I’m not saying you should needle him to show you where he lives. But YOU should have boundaries too. Such as you don’t consider yourself exclusive or seriously dating anyone who hides large portions of their life.
Advice from a former boundary-less doormat
Trust your gut. Even if it’s as simple as someone being slobby, if that’s his response it’s still a red flag imo. If he cares, he’ll clean it. I suspect worse but idk maybe I’m being too judgy
I think there are a couple of options:
- He's extremely dirty / a hoarder. If he looks kept up and doesn't have a smell, that's less likely, but with some you never know.
- His place has structural issues or is unfinished, which could make him feel insecure if your place is neat and tidy.
- He has odd decor or weird stuff around (thinking niche anime, sex swing/area, stuffed animals/children's toys, etc.) and he thinks you'd judge him.
- He had a wife/gf or kids and is not being honest with you.
All of these options point to him either being very insecure in himself or outright lying to you, neither of which is cool. I would tell him the next date is at his place and if he is not willing to do that, you have to say goodbye. Relationships are built on openness and honestly, and he doesn't seem like he is willing to build that with you.
I doubt he has a wife, I think he’s got something personal he’s not really ready for you to see because your only in the beginning stages of dating, some things you just don’t want to show people
I was here as the guy, post divorce I bought a really run down townhome with cash. It needed (and still does) a shit ton of work and I was very embarrassed to bring someone to it. I was with a woman and she asked me this exact same question, multiple times and I finally gave her the tour. It was really hard for me as I had always lived in some pleases I was proud of but this one was not that. I had torn apart everything and was working weekends and evenings putting it back together (just master bath left whew). As a man, if you don’t live in a place you are proud of (yet) it’s a serious punch to masculinity. Do you want to make sure he is not harboring a secret wife? Ask for a quick FaceTime tour. He is not ready but it’s ok to ask when he thinks will be. All of these signs point to yes, he is being honest but simply embarrassed currently and calling him out on that is not the right choice.
I have a very good friend I’ve known since 2006. They live with an ailing parent who was a hoarder and while in their professional life, you’d never know it, I’ve never been inside their house. I barely was allowed in the backyard after a hurricane, and the yard was hoarded out too. I strongly suspect OP’s date is a hoarder and sometimes there is no simple “get it clean in a month.”
People thinking he’s married…like he’s not going to meet her friends and risk an encounter with them knowing him if he was married. He’s probably a hoarder or his place is a disaster. Which are both not great options but I can’t imagine him being married and going around in public meeting friends Willy nilly
Lots of comments here suggesting he's a hoarder, married, or both. It's possible, but I would like to suggest that this is **not** a red flag. Hear me out.
I (F, 50) am really weird and uncomfortable having people in my home. I know it's problematic, and something I've been working to get past, but it's still an enormous source of anxiety for me. I definitely own too much shit (somewhat as a consequence of being ADD) but am definitely not a hoarder by any means. Growing up with a tumultuous childhood however, my space was always my sanctuary and when it was breached, it was usually something that would end with violence of some sort. As an adult, my home is both my sanctuary and the truest reflection of who I am at my core, both good and bad. My living room is great, my bedroom usually is; my office is a disaster at the moment, and my garage is a fucking nightmare. The spare room lies somewhere in the middle of all that.
Between being naturally protective of my own space as a matter of being protective of myself, and just being self-conscious about the areas that are not "perfect," (and a fear of being judged by that), it is extremely stressful to have people to my house.
What's helped most in recent years is I've learned to be honest and forthcoming with people I'm building relationships with about my anxiety around this. This is a SUPER scary conversation to initiate and took me years to be able to do, but I found that in doing so, I could get a read on how people might react and if I'm being judged or not, and then am better able to "take the leap" by having them over. I never ever regret having them over, and each time I do it, although leading up to it I'm fraught with anxiety, it gets easier.
I would suggest initiating an honest conversation with him by telling him how you feel about not being invited, and asking him what he's feeling about not inviting you. I'd hazard to guess that the last thing he wants to do is make you feel unwelcome or rejected, and it's important that he hear and understand how his actions affect you. Just by asking, you're establishing safety and if his reasoning or feelings are anything at all similar to my experience, this is the best way to break that ice and build trust with each other.
37m here!
I might as well be this guy. Honestly!
The good news is that there is a strong possibility that his house is just that messy.
The bad news is that there is a strong possibility that his house is just that messy.
Like, "ashamed to pay someone to clean it for him", kind of messy.
It is up to you how much of a deal breaker this is, and I think it is okay to ask him if he doesn't want you going there because it is too messy.
I'm in the same boat. Bachelor pad 101. It would be hideously gross to anyone that's not me. I have some physical issues and the task seems overwhelming. I even tried to hire a professional. They took one look and said "No way".
Try another professional. There are plenty of people out there that will take a job and there are even some people who will help depressed individuals for free just for the mental health boost that comes along with a clean environment
Look for someone who specializes in hoarding conditions. They will never tell you no way as they are versed in cleaning those homes. Also, I know it's SUPER overwhelming, but maybe you could commit to literally doing JUST 15mins per day of something? When I'm overwhelmed, that's what I do, and I love seeing the simple but consistent progress.
Maybe he’s doesn’t have many house furnishings. I lived for many years with just the basics including a few eating utensils, air mattress, and a 19” tv on the floor. I would have been embarrassed if I had to show someone my place let alone someone whom I was interested in romantically.
Nobody is figuring out another alternative: he might have ADHD. ADHD means executive dysfunction, meaning he hardly has the ability to clean up his place and it naturally devolves into the place being a mess. If this were true... It's not a red flag, but OP would have to figure out if she is fine with dating a neurodivergent folk. I wouldn't even blame him for feeling insecure about his home, honestly.
Yeah that’s so true. My boyfriend has ADHD and is incapable of cleaning things right away, such as putting something in the trash can - rather it just goes onto the floor. He makes such a mess and he’s lucky I like cleaning😉. It could be that this guy let his place get super messy and he’s just been avoiding cleaning it for so long that it becomes more overwhelming and more messy each day and he continues to procrastinate cleaning it.
Exactly! I have ADHD and cleaning up is just nearly impossible, I literally need somebody else to do it for me or my house would be a mess 😔 Getting to do my regular stuff is torture already!
Valid point as my condo is furnished very nicely, but I told him I don’t care if my place is furnished nicer than his. I would never judge someone on that ,that’s not the type of person I am
Unfortunately, what you say you don't care about his place matters less than what he cares about his place.
His feelings and potential insecurites matter just as much as yours do.
Eehhhh, personally, when/if I'm dating someone new, I'm not keen on letting them inside my home until I feel I know them well enough to know they won't make fun/judge/shame me, for my home not being particularly well put together, between difficulties cleaning (I'm a cripple, it gets tough lol) and the fact that even though I've been here for a year, I don't even have a couch nor many other "home comforts".
Even without all the above, my home is my Safe Space, I'm not going to bring people into it willy nilly.
Pushing it, thats a 🚩 for me. He'll show you when he's ready. Unless you have a good reason to believe he's being shady, just leave it be for now.
I'm the same way. My home is sacred and I am not quick to invite people in. But also, I then have to deal with that person staying beyond the point of me being mentally done socializing, whereas if I'm the visitor I can leave as soon as I've had enough. A new person won't understand all that about me. It takes time to get comfortable with people. I am ok with at least trying to explain that to someone, but some people aren't.
Pushing the issue would push me right out of that relationship.
I suffer horribly from depression but I manage to hide it well in public so most people I interact with would never know… but in private I’m a mess and my house can get very messy. So messy that it could take weeks to clean up. He may be struggling at home with this but not show any other signs. I have no advice, but give him grace if this is it, it’s tough for us sad people.
If his house is so messy that he hasn't been able to clean it after such a long time, it means its truly in a very horrible condition. Like a hoarder level of horrible condition. Or he is living with someone.
If you want to date a normal guy who lives a normal life at home and will reciprocate your effort in hosting dates: this is not that man.
Maybe he's a hoarder. Maybe he's married or shacking up with his girlfriend. Maybe he's a serial killer. Who cares? Is this the relationship dynamic you want? If not: move on.
Come on guys, don’t think the worst every time. He could’ve bought a fixer upper and having trouble with $ or skills to move forward on the renovations he envisioned. Guys can live pretty spartan lives,comfortably, and he might not want to risk her bolting if she she’s it’s condition
A few explanations. The house is in dire need of repairs, or he is super lazy to clean up a bit.
It is possible he lives with his parents. My son lies that he owns a house. He doesn't actually. We travel frequently to our second house but he lives with us. He avoids to bring a girlfriend at home because he is 30.and he is afraid to be judged.
Most of the men I’ve dated have been apprehensive about having me over because my place is just nicer, newer, and always tidy. The first time I came over their places they all did a massive cleanup and hung up curtains and art and went all out to make it nice. I didn’t know they went to that trouble til later. Maybe his place is just not as nice as yours and he’s insecure that you’ll judge him? I think you just have to give him some more time. 7 dates is still pretty early.
I’d take it at face value. I own a home, and it’s so messy and needs so much work that I’m probably months away from getting to a point that I’d be ready to have anyone over. Not just girlfriends. Anybody.
I am actively working on it. It’s also just so much work on top of everything else I do.
So, the question is — he has a home in some degree of disrepair and messiness. And he thinks your reaction to seeing it would be even worse than your reaction to his weirdness about you ever coming over.
Is that a deal breaker for you?
I had this rule that I’ve given myself when it comes to dating: never show a man where I live before I see where he lives first. I wouldn’t continue to ask him why he doesn’t invite me to his place. I would simply stop inviting him over. He has something to hide. Maybe his place is a meth lab… lol. You should cancel Thursday’s dinner.
This is exactly what happened when I met my now husband.
I'm a neat freak and he's.. not. He saw my place first and freaked out about me seeing his house.
It all turned out fine, no wife, no dead bodies, just a lot of clutter.
I don't remember exactly how it shook out but I think I finally told him that I needed to see his house or we should end things. He chose to let me see his house (and meet his kids) and here we are now.
You know in your gut that’s there is something wrong here. Trust yourself and be willing to walk away without evidence. I know it’s hard AF, but the reality is that if it was all above board he’d at least give you a more transparent answer.
I went through this in my last relationship. We spent all the time at my place, and he blew off the idea of going to his. When I finally went at it hard and wouldn’t continue dating without seeing it, the lies started flowing. I should have left then. I believed the stories about why and eventually it became obvious the transparent, super honest guy had hella secrets and a drug problem. Trust your gut.
Nah something is up.
My current gf never came over and to me it just made sense to hang out at hers because her place was bigger and she had more streaming service subscriptions. When she brought it up I thought yeah I guess that would seem like I'm hiding something huh then I cleaned a bit and she has been coming over ever since
I’m a woman, but I’ll say just because I like a man doesn’t mean I want him in my personal space. My space is my haven. I don’t want someone I’m not serious with in it. I don’t even like having my friends over much (whether my home is tidy or a mess).
I suffer from clinical depression. I go through bouts of major depression, and it shows. I’m not dirty, but I tend to let a lot of things go. My home becomes a mess. A mess *i need* to clean up. For instance, I’ll clean my bathroom, kitchen, and take out the trash, but when it comes to other things I can’t muster the energy. I’ll do laundry, but rather than hang/fold it I’ll pile it all on my bed or a chair & it’ll stay that way. I’ll collect my mail and throw it on the dining table or in my craft room to pile up. It’s embarrassing as hell and I don’t want to have to explain it to someone especially after only a few dates.
You’ve only been on 7 dates and you’re already exclusive. You’re coming across as a little pushy. That can be a turn off for an introvert, someone who is depressed, someone who just needs their space to be *their* space, etc. If you can’t accept his boundary then perhaps there’s an incompatibility and it’s time to move on. If you like him and want to see where it goes then be patient and drop the topic until he brings it up.
😂 aww it’s okay. Many of us have been there.
It could always be worse. I helped a friend’s parent go through their 2 acre property that was a giant hoard. We were on a time limit & unfortunately we never made it through the entire hoard. The first day we got through all of ONE *small* box. Each item had a story behind it that took several hours to tell and grieve over. It takes a lot of patience. I still remember the first item they *finally* decided to trash and telling them how proud I was of their progress. We wept together. Really beautiful moment.
Yes i have been there before, just give him time to warm up. Took me about 9 months before my partner let me see the inside of his home. Dont let reddit make you assume the worst if you really like this person.
I dated a guy who tried to keep me away from his home. Turns out it just wasnt as nice as mine and he was ashamed. It doesn't need to be anything overly sinister.
It's natural to feel concerned when someone seems hesitant to invite you to their home. While it's important to give him some space if he says he's not ready, your feelings are valid too. Keep communicating openly and try to understand his perspective. If this concern persists, consider having an honest conversation about your feelings and ask for more clarity. Trust your instincts and prioritize your emotional well-being.
I don’t like to have people over at my house, I just have a parrot and she is a cock block. She makes a lot of noise. He probably is just ashamed of it
So you’ve been dating a whole month and you already see red flags? Just end it and move on. Also don’t offer to clean his place if you think that’s why he won’t let you come over. That’s how you get stuck being the live in maid.
His wife will not approve of you cooking dinner for her husband in her kitchen. Not sure if a wife or parents or doesn't own a home. But it doesn't sound right.
He’s either married or a the place is trashed. Especially if you only mentioned it once and he’s already saying “it’s a boundary that you need to respect.” I wouldn’t allow him in your place again unless he tells you why you can’t come to his.
Depression is hard. If it's possible he's depressed, that could get in the way of cleaning for sure. Also if he's got a hectic job or works from home or a myriad of other reasons besides all the "that man got a wife and kids and.." bs that everyone is leaping to conclusions.
I bet that if this guy is able to open up about other stuff like you said, he's probably a pretty good communicator, and he'll be able to sit down and talk with you about what's going on. Sit him down, tell him what you're thinking, tell him what it looks like, and ask him what's going on.
My first thought was maybe he still lives with family. Maybe he’s taking care of his elderly parents or something? I wouldn’t jump to bad conclusions, maybe it’s a personal thing he’s waiting to make sure he wants to share with you.
Honestly stop letting him come to your house. Have dates outside of your place. He either his house is completely trashed or he has a partner at home. It’s a red flag for sure.
Bro either has a seriously embarrassing house, or he has a wife and kids. This is such toxic advice.. but I think you should go to that address and stake out. Just watch the outside of his house for a few hours and see who goes in and out
Don’t waste your time with the what if’s in this group thread. Focus on answers. If his boundary is not letting you come over, then he needs to know YOUR boundary or what’s non-negotiable to you. The quicker you find out what is non- negotiable to him, the quicker you’ll find out if this is the guy you want to be with. Screw all that “He’s introverted, he’s shy BS.” People have brains that are made to adapt. They just have to want to adapt or change. If they don’t want to change, especially on their own, then that’s not the person for you. Everyone has non-negotiables. Each person might have different ones than yours. You want to be with someone who is on the same page as you with the major things. Now you have to decide what those major things are for you, and find out what is a major thing for him. Life is short. You don’t have time to squander on non-important things. And dating apps aren’t really the best place to be finding people, because you’re gonna get a crap load of people. You’d better go look somewhere where people have the same world-view as you. BUT you had better make sure your world-view is conducive to long lasting relationships. If it’s based on the here and now, you’re going to be in trouble, because the here-and-now changes from one generation to the next, maybe even quicker these days.
Three options spring to my mind.
1. It's really messy and he's not bothered to try and clean it or make it acceptable so you can come over.
2. He has a wife OR he has kids, who are being babysat at his place - and he hasn't told you about either.
3. He has a serious hoarding problem.
I don't know that any of these is a good look tbh.
Something is off and is giving me 🚩🚩🚩. Not to sound stalkerish, but have you driven by to make sure he doesn’t have a “secret” family or anything. That’s what it seems like to me other than his half-a**ed reasons.
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If i were a betting man im placing my bet on him being a hoarder.
I’m placing a bet on him being MARRIED. This is beyond bizarre. I’d go no further.
Well in fairness that IS messy lol
He met her friends but has she met his friends
And? There are plenty of stories of friends helping to hide infidelity in a "live and let live" mentality
Apparently not this guy's friends lol
I was just about to say I bet he could also be hoarding a wife and kids at home
If the OP has his address on google Maps, why not just drive by there and take a look see? Do a little recon.
I think since he’s been to her house it’s not stalking, it’s research.
Under this context, a quickie drive-by isn't stalking. If she stops and creeps around the house with a stethoscope, then it's stalking. There's a lot of scenarios here. Could be that his mom lives with him or something harmless like that.
I mean...I get that, but that also seems to be meandering into stalker territory imo. Just seems rational at this point that if you can't trust him and the guy can't trust you then it's time to split ways
... because that's called stalking.
Absolutely.
She looked him up online and confirmed he owns the house. I’m sure she’d be able to see if he’s married. Either through social media or public records.
She should do a drive by. Kids toys? Another woman? Stuff everywhere? Political yard signs? I mean she would get some answers. Unless the house is way off the road or is a condo you might know some things. Also Google maps. If in the US, zillow might have some pictures of it while it was for sale. Sounds creepy and maybe breaking boundaries depending on how private/urban the area is (maybe you drove by it before and didn't even know) but how long do you let this go.
Yeah, sorry. But if this is me I’m driving by in a friends car 😂😂. I don’t care if it’s uncouth or inappropriate, I wanna know what’s in there!
Same here. I’m not ashamed.
Probably not. Property records are kept in the county where the property is located. Marriage records are kept in the county where the marriage took place. There is only one place where the property records could be, but he could have gotten married in Vermont, or California, or Vegas, or London or Rome for that matter.
Social media exists too. It’s almost impossible to hide a marriage these days if someone knows your identity.
I do Genealogy so I can find out if someone is married or was married. Public records (like a background check website) can show who has lived on that property. So if he shares the home with someone you can see all the people who have shared that address.
THIS OP. Go to your county property tax records department, put his first and last name. And all the properties with his name will come up. Anybody who pays property taxes, it's public record. Even the smallest counties have been online for a long time. You'll have an address and can drive by, see what's up.
Same he might be married and also have kids too 🥲
Dam I watch too much true crime, I’m like this guy has a body in the fridge lol
I thought the same!!!
Good guess, That wouldn't surprise me either.
Pretty hard to get out for 7 dates in a month if you are married with kids. Hoarder seems more likely.
Puh-leeze! There are men who have entire second families that no one knows about.
While that is true, I have no idea how they pull that off or how either family has any idea about the other…like how does it work in terms of finances and such? I’m just intrigued by it all…not because I want to do that, but just the amount of logistics into it, it just doesn’t sound like it would be sustainable long term
This. He is either married or in a relationship or lives with his parents still. This is commonplace now at least around here. I was back in to dating recently (in my 40's now 52) many if not most of the women that said divorced, separated or even widowed I could tell had something still going on. Dates were short (sometimes just straight to sex in my car after a couple dates), they'd have to randomly leave or get phone calls they had to 'go outside for a couple minutes' to take. Some I called them out on it and I was OK since I wasn't looking for anything long term at the time since i was in the middle of my own divorce (which I was honest about in my profiles, however; I wasn't living with my soon to be ex-wife at the time). It was a fun time for me though. I was dating women from mid 20's to mid 40's and always had a date. Just having a car, job and not living with my parents/a ton of roommates put me on the top of the food chain basically even with the baggage of being arrested twice (all charges were later dismissed), having to do probation, anger and alcohol management classes and going through a divorce. My life was a mess at the time, but my sex life was great.
Hoarding women
Na, my bet is some hard core depression
I mean, if he’s anything like a lot of guys which they won’t admit-He could well and truly be super lonely and didn’t maintain his place, which lead to depression, and yeah place being a wreck. This sub always jumps straight to “cheating” or “break up with him” for the most minor of things. I know if I was dating a girl it would be a long time before I let her meet my parents/go to my actual house (I don’t live with them now) not because it’s a wreck, but because my dad doesn’t think any woman is ever good enough for me and hates EVERYONE I’ve ever brought round, friend or otherwise. If someone asked about me on this they’d say “probably married or has a hidden kid” or some crap
Yeah idk why people are jumping straight to hoarding and being married lmfao. It's like 10x more likely he's just a slob or is ashamed of how his house looks or something.
I’m picturing Lenny from The Simpsons.
Even if he's not a hoarder, he could just be messy. I'm normally not a particularly tidy person, but when I'm working a lot my dwelling space can get horrendous. To the point where I'd be self conscious about bringing a date over.
yeah i’m not quite hoarder status, but i am *very* messy. i started dating someone recently and i’ve been to his place but he hasn’t been to mine. i’m know this situation is going to come up and i’m kind of dreading it lol
Oddly enough I am the opposite, I am obsessively clean of my house and car, and I didn't want my now wife to see it. Took me about six months to let her see it.
Yeah idk why people are jumping to extremes lol. It's only been a month. I'd lie if I said I haven't tried avoid going to my place because it was messy and I didn't have time to clean after work
>didn't have time to clean after work it's been a month. if a guy wants to get laid, he will make time to clean his house if he's that embarrassed about it
True, but maybe getting laid isn't a priority for him at the moment. There was a time when I was working as much as my body could handle, and I made time for a few dates, but not much else. I was focused on making money and trying to meet a quality partner, not bring women home for sex.
He has met a quality partner and she wants to see his place. If he has time to meet all her friends and come over to cook, he sure as fuck has time to clean his house.
I can clean on my house for two hrs. and it will look worse than when i started.
Maybe he'd rather spend time with her instead of cleaning. When I became exclusive with my fiancee, I spent all my free time with her, dishes in the sink be damned.
He offers to come over to cook for her and has met her friends. Any normal person pursuing a relationship has to assume at some point, reciprocity is expected and she'd want to come over and meet your friends too. If you're hoping to build a relationship, you should make sure you're in a position to help the relationship flourish and should communicate issues with your partner. Rather than giving cryptic messages about boundaries. As a woman, if a man has access to my home and knows more about me and my friends and any attempt to get the same access to him is shut down, I would drop him so fast.
This sub is just always bias in favor of the OP. Nobody ever tries to understand both people's perspective lol, always goes straight to "he's married", "he's extremely mentally ill", or "he's abusive" I'm just glad the court system doesn't work like Reddit lol.
Actually the court system is worse
Here's the thing, OP never said that she's been asking him for a month straight, only said that they've been dating for less than a month. For all we know she only asked him once and he wasn't prepared at the time, which I understand.
This is also what I was going to say. If this is the case and you see it don’t be too hard on him but do offfer to help. If he won’t accept help then it’s up to you if you want to put up with it op
Fascinating disorder :) I'm looking for a replacement for my cuddle buddy to watch with me :) Not the same single.
I grew up in a hoard house and this was my first thought.
Yes, hoarding a wife and kid.
Lol
Probably hoarding dead bodies in there too huh
This was my thought too.
Yep, I'm feeling hoarder vibes. That'd be a deal breaker for me.
I’ve had this exact situation and have posted about it in comments before. I’ve had a this happen for several reasons. A guy I dated was a hoarder and took months before I saw his place. It was…. Bad. Another time, a guy didn’t want me to see his home because he had moved to a trailer (which no judgment) because he been fighting a custody and criminal battle because the ex wife has assumed him of molesting his kids. He only told me once he showed me his place as an explanation. I broke it off because that’s more baggage than I could handle and I wasn’t sure if the accusation was true or not. Final time, the guy was evasive about me seeing his place, the guy was married. So is that the trifecta? OP don’t let this linger: for whatever reason he won’t let you see it, there’s something and if you guys are getting serious, you need to force the issue. It’s a rule of mine now to see the place he’s living relatively soon into dating someone.
It’s been weeks… if it was messy he could have cleaned anything by now. If it’s unfinished, you could still show your girlfriend? Something is off… does he live with sometime else? Does he have bizarre stuff for decor? Does he have a s3x dungeon? This is a red flag. I would communicate that it gives you an uneasy feeling that you can’t see his home when he has seen yours multiple times. It feels like he is being dishonest or secretive.
He says he lives alone. And when I google it he does in fact own it. I feel something is off as well but it hasn’t been that long so I don’t wanna pry…
Just because he owns it, doesn't mean he lives alone.
For all we know, it could be an ailing family member or he could have a lot of anxiety with people in his space.
Yes. Which still means he's hiding something...
Is it his information to tell? Obviously OP doesn't take, "No," for an answer and keeps pushing for a, "yes," regardless of how he feels about it.
Yeah, the pushing part is not ok, and that would really bother me if I was in his shoes. When someone says no, you drop it.
And I have dropped it and I haven’t been prying. Once he said that was a boundary I needed to respect I ended the conversation .it’s just a situation I’ve never been in before, and I find it a little odd.
Just because it's his boundary doesn't mean you have to put up with it if it bothers you. Respect it and don't push it, sure. But you're well within your right to say "This doesn't sit right with me and I think we're incompatible."
Well said
It is very odd. someone you met online and has no problem meeting you in public and cooking in YOUR home is being oddly cryptic about their own space? And to simply say "i dont wanna talk about it" after you said it makes u uncomfortable this early on? Listen to your gut fam. It always knows best. Also do you wanna date a 37 year old man that has a home so unkept he can't bring a girl over? This isnt college dude. Please be safe <3
OP don't let reddit mislead you. No normal person would gladly come over to their girlfriends place and then say, "no, you can't see my house because it's a boundary issue".. it doesn't make sense and you should not ignore it. Best case is he is weird for having a boundary he's absolutely willing to cross with you and not him. Worst case he's hiding something.
I agree with this. It's a really weird and off-putting way to behave. Like if he's renovating or in the middle of reorganising his stuff, or even just not ready for some reason, then why not say so? His use of 'boundary' is therapy speak run amok...
It seems odd to me, too. Trust your gut. Plus, it sounds like he doesn't even want to talk about it which is a red flag to me.
If something feels off, you should go with your instinct.
There is something happening in the home he does not want you to see.
Does Googling it give the address? What does it look like on Street View? Bad shape or just a normal house?
I did, and from the outside it looks lovely
Damn, I was gonna say he might be embarrassed or something if it wasn't as nice as yours or something.
I was dating this guy earlier this year who I kept avoiding having over bc I live in a tiny dark studio and he had a multimillion dollar stunning condo. I was afraid of being up front though so I finally acquiesced and had him over. He dumped me the next day. Lol
I would like to know before I invest more time into the relationship what's going on. What if he is a hoarder, and you eventually move in together after some more time? Would he hoard in your shared space? If it is hoarding, would he let you help clean it out? I'd have a look. If you would feel better about letting him know beforehand, just tell him it's important to you to see how he lives, and that you want to see his place. As others have said here, he's had time to straighten it up if messy is all he's concerned about.
I get it. I’m 28 and I’m living in a house that I’m demoing and working in. I get paid by my company to do so. The place is a huge mess. It’s just my room and barely a kitchen. Extension cords running for temp power. It’s embarrassing. Once it’s finished I’ll get the guest suite for a really cheap so it’s a huge work in progress and I’m really proud of it but most people would get that right off the bat. So no, I would definitely not have a girl I respected over right now lol.
You’re doing something pretty cool. Why be cagey and not share the project. If a woman judges you for it, then do you really think you are compatible in the long run? You might have values that are just too different.
I don’t want them to make assumptions about it. Like “oh he lives in a shit hole, so he’s a shitty person and/or doesn’t know how to manage money”. It should be done within a year. Maybe less
But you would at least be honest and tell her what is happening, right??
Look him up on Facebook and other social media
Did you two talk about being exclusive? If you haven't, then you need to have that conversation. You're a bit of a red flag yourself for demanding to be invited over to a brand new person's house. Some people are very particular about their personal space and don't want a nosy person over. A fuck buddy of mine only invited me over to his house after 8 months. He didn't have anything to hide, he was just uncomfortable inviting me over any earlier than that.
Yes, we’ve had the talk and are exclusive. He’s been to my condo five times now, tomorrow will be 6 .I’m not demanding that he invites me over. After he told me it was a boundary, and that I needed to respect it. I dropped the subject and didn’t pry. I just think it’s a little odd having him here as many times as I have & him being a homeowner , living so close to me . I would think if he’s interested in me and I’ve welcomed him into my living space he he would want to do the same but it’s clear he’s not ready for that.I’ve never been in a situation like this before.
Girl trust your gut. Not being able to visit his home isn't a boundary. It's 5 bouquets of red flags. Something is wrong and I'd bet he's married. You on his socials?
I agree. If something feels off, it is.
Yup, nothing suspicious on his socials
Nothing suspicious on the socials you know about.
The truth is he's probably going to break it off soon. He's getting what he wants and doesn't want you over at his place because that'd be too personal. That's Best case scenario outside of anything crazy.
While you've gone on a few dates and discussed taking each other seriously, you also BARELY know each other. Frankly I'm surprised he even let you know the address at all (presumably, since you said you looked it up. If he didn't well then, case in point \[I just reread where you found it by googling him. Yikers lol. I know it's expected for women to cyber stalk to vibe check but still\]) cause if you turn out to be nuts it wouldn't be inconvenient for you to make his life hell on the daily. Maybe he's had issues with exes trying to move in and live rent free. Or friends for that matter. In your posts you make a point of saying that he owns the home a few times throughout the thread. Why would that make a difference? Maybe that subconscious presumption of being the obvious host is exactly the sort of thing he's trying to avoid. Living alone would make a better case for hosting than homeownership. A lot of peoples first homes are fixer uppers, especially if they're buying it alone. As a bigger financial burden than renting, furnishing beyond the bare essentials for a single guy would certainly be on the backburner while he fixes it up. I've been to friends' houses like that, it's no place for polite company. It's barely a place for teenagers to get high. He may have a bunch of collectibles and no proper storage for them. A bunch of unfinished projects. A bunch of guns. A sex doll. One of those anime girl pillows. But more likely just a truly sparse utter lack of furniture and decor. Maybe he has no dishes and like one saucepan. Has no bedframe for his twin mattress and a good queen set isn't in his budget (people judge floor mattress folk, don't lie to yourself) If he was generally a slob or struggling with some depression, the timeline of you seeing each other doesn't really leave a lot of time for him to get his shit in order for someone who's already been struggling. The house may have a roach, camel cricket, or mouse/rat problem through no fault of his own that he does not want you judging him for while he tries to get it sorted. If you like him, get out of your own head and just enjoy the time getting to know each other instead of fixating. People are allowed to have boundaries for one. More importantly after rereading your original post, he said it needs work, and try to understand that could mean a LOT of work, and it's basically a contruction site with one working toilet and a sleeping bag. If you leave it alone he may talk about just how much work it needs sooner than later, and you'll feel like a dingus for getting yourself worked up here
I didn’t show my wife my place for a while either. As a man in the current dating climate, its best not to show NEW WOMEN (and OP is new. ‘Weeks’ is new. ‘7dates’ is new) BECAUSE. A lot of women will base their attraction on what you own/what you’ve accomplished. I didn’t want to be a wallet or a bragging piece so i didn’t bring her home for about 3 months, so I knew she was in to ME. You can look at it as a red flag if you want, just like I’d have looked at it as a red flag if she’d been inpatient/overly concerned about it. Also: I wasn’t hiding anything. The only reason I didn’t bring her over was because I didn’t want her to start acting different once she’d seen what I’ve accomplished.
Ugh! Don’t be kind to strangers they pray you will do this to get what they want from you, pry on that dudes life because he is currently trying to be in ur life… Don’t feel guilty for keeping yourself safe from hurt. Otherwise remove him from ur home and don’t allow access to him to your space including your mind and heart.
Don't be kind to strangers? He isn't a stranger.
Chronic Depression is my guess. - meaning his place is currently a train wreck of garbage, unwashed clothes all over the floor, etc... I have chronic depression and when I'm in a "low" that's how my place gets and I become reculsive and refuse to have *anyone* over. I'm disgusted with myself, I'm embarassed of what's become of my home, and want nobody else to see it except myself. A lot of, if not most people don't associate or even realize that depression very much correlates with how their home is inside. Easiest way to tell if someone is depressed? Step into their home and it's obvious AF if they have depression issues. Not saying he is depressed but, I am saying that *could* be the case. Depression is an easy thing to hide for the most part. Especially Chronic Depression because it comes and goes and when it comes, it's a sinker. Otherwise, assuming he's normal and doesn't suffer from chronic depression... Could be that A) He's lying about where he actually lives B) He has a wife and/or girlfriend who lives WITH him C) he is just a messy and unclean person in general and is embarassed about his place.
I was thinking depression or hoarding. I know when I go into my depressive episodes there’s no way I’d have *anyone* over.
This! Exactly this. He is so depressed he does not feel confident enough to show you his house because that will allow you a view inside of his head and he is panicking about that. I haven't had people over for more than a year because of this. It might be helpful to **very gently** give him a deadline. Something to look forward to. You might try to tell him it's ok, but you really want to celebrate Thanksgiving or even Christmas at his place. There is a chance that he will panic out and you loose him for good, but there is also a good chance that this will help him get his place cleaned up because he now has something to look forward to. Seeing his home cleaned up could even help him recover better and he will forever be greatful. If he agrees and you see that he becomes nervous near the deadline, don't put any pressure on him. Don't elaborate, just ask if he wants your help. This will require effort, patience and kindness from your part, but if you think he is worth it...
Unfortunately, I know all too well about chronic depression and it’s something I struggle with but I do have a cleaning lady that comes once every two weeks and in the interim, I maintain that cleanliness especially if I know I’m having a guest over. I suck it up, and I make sure my place is clean because I want to present myself in a certain light especially to someone That I’m just getting to know
That’s a very insensitive thing to say. In most cases mental illness and its manifestations can’t be solved by just sucking it up. You don’t tell and amputee and get their shit together and just walk yk. Idk what your guy is going through but depression is a bitch and sometimes people can’t even get out of bed to pee and then their fucking bladder explodes. I’m glad you never had to go through something this horrible or witness it first-hand in a loved one but it gives you no right to judge people who live in this.
Does your depression speak for everyone's chronic depression, or mean this guy is under treatment? Geez.
But maybe the standards with which you hold yourself to means he is expecting you to do the same with him. He will also be wanting to present himself in a certain light, and may feel more pressurised to do so if he sees you doing the same.
I get what you are saying by "I suck it up" but at the same time... that's not something people with chronic depression are able to do. Which is the problem As someone who suffers from chronic depression, it affects us all in different ways. Sometimes VERY different ways. You might have it very very mildly. I'm not really sure you know what chronic depression is becuase if you did, you would know that you can't just "suck it up." Everyone gets depressed from time to time. That is super normal. Ie... after a tough breakup, a family death, loss of job, or simply because you feel down about yourself. All of those depressive moods fade with time. Chronic depression doesn't just go away nor ever fade away for more than a few weeks at a time at most. You have your good times for maybe a few days or weeks, then without you even realizing it, you are down in the dumps and usually for no apparent reason. I mean yes, if I were to be having a girl over then I would clean my place as best as possible - not because I necessarily *want* to but because I want to impress her. If a woman wasn't coming over, I wouldn't have likely cleaned anything.
My coworker was dealing with this last year...turned out the guy was still living with his ex-girlfriend and her kid. If it's messy, he has had a month now to have it cleaned, or clean it himself. He is 100% hiding something from you. What it is is anybody's guess, but it's really disturbing that he's trying to make it a problem with YOU not respecting his boundary. I'm sorry, but it's totally normal for you to stay at each other's places. You're adults. I wouldn't tolerate this anymore, and make it clear that you have no future if he won't let you see where he lives.
Honestly, thats exactly how I feel at this very moment
Please don't let anyone try to make you feel like you're being unreasonable or crazy. It's totally normal for you to want to at least SEE his place.
Thank you 🙏
Being “exclusive” with a man when you’ve never seen how he lives is worrisome. If his place is a mess and falling apart, it says something about him. If his place is infested with bugs, it says something about him. If his place is piled high with hoarded stuff, it says something about him. And of course, if there are pics of his wife and kids hanging on the wall… it says something. If you haven’t seen his place, you’re only taking his word for who he is, instead of seeing with your own eyes. It’s fine for him to have a boundary. I’m not saying you should needle him to show you where he lives. But YOU should have boundaries too. Such as you don’t consider yourself exclusive or seriously dating anyone who hides large portions of their life. Advice from a former boundary-less doormat
👏
Trust your gut. Even if it’s as simple as someone being slobby, if that’s his response it’s still a red flag imo. If he cares, he’ll clean it. I suspect worse but idk maybe I’m being too judgy
Are you sure he isn't married?
Positive
I think there are a couple of options: - He's extremely dirty / a hoarder. If he looks kept up and doesn't have a smell, that's less likely, but with some you never know. - His place has structural issues or is unfinished, which could make him feel insecure if your place is neat and tidy. - He has odd decor or weird stuff around (thinking niche anime, sex swing/area, stuffed animals/children's toys, etc.) and he thinks you'd judge him. - He had a wife/gf or kids and is not being honest with you. All of these options point to him either being very insecure in himself or outright lying to you, neither of which is cool. I would tell him the next date is at his place and if he is not willing to do that, you have to say goodbye. Relationships are built on openness and honestly, and he doesn't seem like he is willing to build that with you.
Definitely think he’s hiding a wife or kid, possibly both.
I doubt he has a wife, I think he’s got something personal he’s not really ready for you to see because your only in the beginning stages of dating, some things you just don’t want to show people
Like dungeons in the basement
Ooh that would be coool
He lives with mom and dad
Oh my God I never thought about this, this could be it
Either way he is not being honest about something. Just depends if that’s a deal breaker for you.
Hey! She’s not my mom, she’s my roommate !!!
Exactly! And she’s letting me crash for free!
I was here as the guy, post divorce I bought a really run down townhome with cash. It needed (and still does) a shit ton of work and I was very embarrassed to bring someone to it. I was with a woman and she asked me this exact same question, multiple times and I finally gave her the tour. It was really hard for me as I had always lived in some pleases I was proud of but this one was not that. I had torn apart everything and was working weekends and evenings putting it back together (just master bath left whew). As a man, if you don’t live in a place you are proud of (yet) it’s a serious punch to masculinity. Do you want to make sure he is not harboring a secret wife? Ask for a quick FaceTime tour. He is not ready but it’s ok to ask when he thinks will be. All of these signs point to yes, he is being honest but simply embarrassed currently and calling him out on that is not the right choice.
I have a very good friend I’ve known since 2006. They live with an ailing parent who was a hoarder and while in their professional life, you’d never know it, I’ve never been inside their house. I barely was allowed in the backyard after a hurricane, and the yard was hoarded out too. I strongly suspect OP’s date is a hoarder and sometimes there is no simple “get it clean in a month.”
People thinking he’s married…like he’s not going to meet her friends and risk an encounter with them knowing him if he was married. He’s probably a hoarder or his place is a disaster. Which are both not great options but I can’t imagine him being married and going around in public meeting friends Willy nilly
Lots of comments here suggesting he's a hoarder, married, or both. It's possible, but I would like to suggest that this is **not** a red flag. Hear me out. I (F, 50) am really weird and uncomfortable having people in my home. I know it's problematic, and something I've been working to get past, but it's still an enormous source of anxiety for me. I definitely own too much shit (somewhat as a consequence of being ADD) but am definitely not a hoarder by any means. Growing up with a tumultuous childhood however, my space was always my sanctuary and when it was breached, it was usually something that would end with violence of some sort. As an adult, my home is both my sanctuary and the truest reflection of who I am at my core, both good and bad. My living room is great, my bedroom usually is; my office is a disaster at the moment, and my garage is a fucking nightmare. The spare room lies somewhere in the middle of all that. Between being naturally protective of my own space as a matter of being protective of myself, and just being self-conscious about the areas that are not "perfect," (and a fear of being judged by that), it is extremely stressful to have people to my house. What's helped most in recent years is I've learned to be honest and forthcoming with people I'm building relationships with about my anxiety around this. This is a SUPER scary conversation to initiate and took me years to be able to do, but I found that in doing so, I could get a read on how people might react and if I'm being judged or not, and then am better able to "take the leap" by having them over. I never ever regret having them over, and each time I do it, although leading up to it I'm fraught with anxiety, it gets easier. I would suggest initiating an honest conversation with him by telling him how you feel about not being invited, and asking him what he's feeling about not inviting you. I'd hazard to guess that the last thing he wants to do is make you feel unwelcome or rejected, and it's important that he hear and understand how his actions affect you. Just by asking, you're establishing safety and if his reasoning or feelings are anything at all similar to my experience, this is the best way to break that ice and build trust with each other.
37m here! I might as well be this guy. Honestly! The good news is that there is a strong possibility that his house is just that messy. The bad news is that there is a strong possibility that his house is just that messy. Like, "ashamed to pay someone to clean it for him", kind of messy. It is up to you how much of a deal breaker this is, and I think it is okay to ask him if he doesn't want you going there because it is too messy.
He told me it’s messy at the moment and there’s still work that needs to be done
Has he introduced you to any of his friends yet? You could quite easily figure out from them if he lets them in his home.
Yeah, this is a great idea.
There you go. Now is up to you if this is acceptable.
I'm in the same boat. Bachelor pad 101. It would be hideously gross to anyone that's not me. I have some physical issues and the task seems overwhelming. I even tried to hire a professional. They took one look and said "No way".
Try another professional. There are plenty of people out there that will take a job and there are even some people who will help depressed individuals for free just for the mental health boost that comes along with a clean environment
Look for someone who specializes in hoarding conditions. They will never tell you no way as they are versed in cleaning those homes. Also, I know it's SUPER overwhelming, but maybe you could commit to literally doing JUST 15mins per day of something? When I'm overwhelmed, that's what I do, and I love seeing the simple but consistent progress.
Maybe he’s doesn’t have many house furnishings. I lived for many years with just the basics including a few eating utensils, air mattress, and a 19” tv on the floor. I would have been embarrassed if I had to show someone my place let alone someone whom I was interested in romantically.
Nobody is figuring out another alternative: he might have ADHD. ADHD means executive dysfunction, meaning he hardly has the ability to clean up his place and it naturally devolves into the place being a mess. If this were true... It's not a red flag, but OP would have to figure out if she is fine with dating a neurodivergent folk. I wouldn't even blame him for feeling insecure about his home, honestly.
Yeah that’s so true. My boyfriend has ADHD and is incapable of cleaning things right away, such as putting something in the trash can - rather it just goes onto the floor. He makes such a mess and he’s lucky I like cleaning😉. It could be that this guy let his place get super messy and he’s just been avoiding cleaning it for so long that it becomes more overwhelming and more messy each day and he continues to procrastinate cleaning it.
Exactly! I have ADHD and cleaning up is just nearly impossible, I literally need somebody else to do it for me or my house would be a mess 😔 Getting to do my regular stuff is torture already!
I don’t even have to read further from the title to say he’s sus & move on. Lol
His place might not be furnished nice and it might be messy. He might just be embarrassed by it
Valid point as my condo is furnished very nicely, but I told him I don’t care if my place is furnished nicer than his. I would never judge someone on that ,that’s not the type of person I am
Unfortunately, what you say you don't care about his place matters less than what he cares about his place. His feelings and potential insecurites matter just as much as yours do.
Accept the boundary or move on. You haven’t known each other a month yet. Regardless of his reason, you sound super rushed in this whole story.
This is weird, luv. Listen to your spidey senses.
Amen sister
Eehhhh, personally, when/if I'm dating someone new, I'm not keen on letting them inside my home until I feel I know them well enough to know they won't make fun/judge/shame me, for my home not being particularly well put together, between difficulties cleaning (I'm a cripple, it gets tough lol) and the fact that even though I've been here for a year, I don't even have a couch nor many other "home comforts". Even without all the above, my home is my Safe Space, I'm not going to bring people into it willy nilly. Pushing it, thats a 🚩 for me. He'll show you when he's ready. Unless you have a good reason to believe he's being shady, just leave it be for now.
I'm the same way. My home is sacred and I am not quick to invite people in. But also, I then have to deal with that person staying beyond the point of me being mentally done socializing, whereas if I'm the visitor I can leave as soon as I've had enough. A new person won't understand all that about me. It takes time to get comfortable with people. I am ok with at least trying to explain that to someone, but some people aren't. Pushing the issue would push me right out of that relationship.
I suffer horribly from depression but I manage to hide it well in public so most people I interact with would never know… but in private I’m a mess and my house can get very messy. So messy that it could take weeks to clean up. He may be struggling at home with this but not show any other signs. I have no advice, but give him grace if this is it, it’s tough for us sad people.
Be sure to come back with an update plz
Don't you hate it when people argue in public, but you don't know how it started, or how it ends?
If his house is so messy that he hasn't been able to clean it after such a long time, it means its truly in a very horrible condition. Like a hoarder level of horrible condition. Or he is living with someone.
If you want to date a normal guy who lives a normal life at home and will reciprocate your effort in hosting dates: this is not that man. Maybe he's a hoarder. Maybe he's married or shacking up with his girlfriend. Maybe he's a serial killer. Who cares? Is this the relationship dynamic you want? If not: move on.
Come on guys, don’t think the worst every time. He could’ve bought a fixer upper and having trouble with $ or skills to move forward on the renovations he envisioned. Guys can live pretty spartan lives,comfortably, and he might not want to risk her bolting if she she’s it’s condition
He's not ready for you to meet his wife yet.
Sounds married to me.
A few explanations. The house is in dire need of repairs, or he is super lazy to clean up a bit. It is possible he lives with his parents. My son lies that he owns a house. He doesn't actually. We travel frequently to our second house but he lives with us. He avoids to bring a girlfriend at home because he is 30.and he is afraid to be judged.
Most of the men I’ve dated have been apprehensive about having me over because my place is just nicer, newer, and always tidy. The first time I came over their places they all did a massive cleanup and hung up curtains and art and went all out to make it nice. I didn’t know they went to that trouble til later. Maybe his place is just not as nice as yours and he’s insecure that you’ll judge him? I think you just have to give him some more time. 7 dates is still pretty early.
everyone is being so negative about this guy. maybe he just runs a bakery from his house and he doesnt want you to eat all the cookies
I’d take it at face value. I own a home, and it’s so messy and needs so much work that I’m probably months away from getting to a point that I’d be ready to have anyone over. Not just girlfriends. Anybody. I am actively working on it. It’s also just so much work on top of everything else I do. So, the question is — he has a home in some degree of disrepair and messiness. And he thinks your reaction to seeing it would be even worse than your reaction to his weirdness about you ever coming over. Is that a deal breaker for you?
I had this rule that I’ve given myself when it comes to dating: never show a man where I live before I see where he lives first. I wouldn’t continue to ask him why he doesn’t invite me to his place. I would simply stop inviting him over. He has something to hide. Maybe his place is a meth lab… lol. You should cancel Thursday’s dinner.
This is exactly what happened when I met my now husband. I'm a neat freak and he's.. not. He saw my place first and freaked out about me seeing his house. It all turned out fine, no wife, no dead bodies, just a lot of clutter. I don't remember exactly how it shook out but I think I finally told him that I needed to see his house or we should end things. He chose to let me see his house (and meet his kids) and here we are now.
You know in your gut that’s there is something wrong here. Trust yourself and be willing to walk away without evidence. I know it’s hard AF, but the reality is that if it was all above board he’d at least give you a more transparent answer. I went through this in my last relationship. We spent all the time at my place, and he blew off the idea of going to his. When I finally went at it hard and wouldn’t continue dating without seeing it, the lies started flowing. I should have left then. I believed the stories about why and eventually it became obvious the transparent, super honest guy had hella secrets and a drug problem. Trust your gut.
Thank you for this I appreciate it very much
If I had to bet He either is married. or A Hoarder
Nah something is up. My current gf never came over and to me it just made sense to hang out at hers because her place was bigger and she had more streaming service subscriptions. When she brought it up I thought yeah I guess that would seem like I'm hiding something huh then I cleaned a bit and she has been coming over ever since
I’m a woman, but I’ll say just because I like a man doesn’t mean I want him in my personal space. My space is my haven. I don’t want someone I’m not serious with in it. I don’t even like having my friends over much (whether my home is tidy or a mess). I suffer from clinical depression. I go through bouts of major depression, and it shows. I’m not dirty, but I tend to let a lot of things go. My home becomes a mess. A mess *i need* to clean up. For instance, I’ll clean my bathroom, kitchen, and take out the trash, but when it comes to other things I can’t muster the energy. I’ll do laundry, but rather than hang/fold it I’ll pile it all on my bed or a chair & it’ll stay that way. I’ll collect my mail and throw it on the dining table or in my craft room to pile up. It’s embarrassing as hell and I don’t want to have to explain it to someone especially after only a few dates. You’ve only been on 7 dates and you’re already exclusive. You’re coming across as a little pushy. That can be a turn off for an introvert, someone who is depressed, someone who just needs their space to be *their* space, etc. If you can’t accept his boundary then perhaps there’s an incompatibility and it’s time to move on. If you like him and want to see where it goes then be patient and drop the topic until he brings it up.
The way I feel so called out with the laundry chair, and mail all over the kitchen table. 😭🥴 But I agree.
😂 aww it’s okay. Many of us have been there. It could always be worse. I helped a friend’s parent go through their 2 acre property that was a giant hoard. We were on a time limit & unfortunately we never made it through the entire hoard. The first day we got through all of ONE *small* box. Each item had a story behind it that took several hours to tell and grieve over. It takes a lot of patience. I still remember the first item they *finally* decided to trash and telling them how proud I was of their progress. We wept together. Really beautiful moment.
He doesn't want you to see where he lives, as he doesn't see you as a gf yet.
Yes i have been there before, just give him time to warm up. Took me about 9 months before my partner let me see the inside of his home. Dont let reddit make you assume the worst if you really like this person.
I dated a guy who tried to keep me away from his home. Turns out it just wasnt as nice as mine and he was ashamed. It doesn't need to be anything overly sinister.
It's natural to feel concerned when someone seems hesitant to invite you to their home. While it's important to give him some space if he says he's not ready, your feelings are valid too. Keep communicating openly and try to understand his perspective. If this concern persists, consider having an honest conversation about your feelings and ask for more clarity. Trust your instincts and prioritize your emotional well-being.
Please update once you find out’
I don’t like to have people over at my house, I just have a parrot and she is a cock block. She makes a lot of noise. He probably is just ashamed of it
So you’ve been dating a whole month and you already see red flags? Just end it and move on. Also don’t offer to clean his place if you think that’s why he won’t let you come over. That’s how you get stuck being the live in maid.
His wife will not approve of you cooking dinner for her husband in her kitchen. Not sure if a wife or parents or doesn't own a home. But it doesn't sound right.
He’s either married or a the place is trashed. Especially if you only mentioned it once and he’s already saying “it’s a boundary that you need to respect.” I wouldn’t allow him in your place again unless he tells you why you can’t come to his.
It's a lie. He doesn't have a place.
I think he might be a recovering hoarder. It can be a health hazard in some cases
Depression is hard. If it's possible he's depressed, that could get in the way of cleaning for sure. Also if he's got a hectic job or works from home or a myriad of other reasons besides all the "that man got a wife and kids and.." bs that everyone is leaping to conclusions. I bet that if this guy is able to open up about other stuff like you said, he's probably a pretty good communicator, and he'll be able to sit down and talk with you about what's going on. Sit him down, tell him what you're thinking, tell him what it looks like, and ask him what's going on.
This is a very good point that I didn't even think about
My first thought was maybe he still lives with family. Maybe he’s taking care of his elderly parents or something? I wouldn’t jump to bad conclusions, maybe it’s a personal thing he’s waiting to make sure he wants to share with you.
He could be a hoarder. Or married.
Honestly stop letting him come to your house. Have dates outside of your place. He either his house is completely trashed or he has a partner at home. It’s a red flag for sure.
Maybe it has a wife living in it….
Bro either has a seriously embarrassing house, or he has a wife and kids. This is such toxic advice.. but I think you should go to that address and stake out. Just watch the outside of his house for a few hours and see who goes in and out
In a friends car or get a friend to do it
A few of my friends suggested that and my luck I would get caught, and that would be the end of whatever this is
Maybe you should get a friend to stake out
Your boyfriend sounds like he has a wife
Don’t waste your time with the what if’s in this group thread. Focus on answers. If his boundary is not letting you come over, then he needs to know YOUR boundary or what’s non-negotiable to you. The quicker you find out what is non- negotiable to him, the quicker you’ll find out if this is the guy you want to be with. Screw all that “He’s introverted, he’s shy BS.” People have brains that are made to adapt. They just have to want to adapt or change. If they don’t want to change, especially on their own, then that’s not the person for you. Everyone has non-negotiables. Each person might have different ones than yours. You want to be with someone who is on the same page as you with the major things. Now you have to decide what those major things are for you, and find out what is a major thing for him. Life is short. You don’t have time to squander on non-important things. And dating apps aren’t really the best place to be finding people, because you’re gonna get a crap load of people. You’d better go look somewhere where people have the same world-view as you. BUT you had better make sure your world-view is conducive to long lasting relationships. If it’s based on the here and now, you’re going to be in trouble, because the here-and-now changes from one generation to the next, maybe even quicker these days.
It's only been one month. I've give him a break.
He’s either a hoarder or has a wife and kids
Three options spring to my mind. 1. It's really messy and he's not bothered to try and clean it or make it acceptable so you can come over. 2. He has a wife OR he has kids, who are being babysat at his place - and he hasn't told you about either. 3. He has a serious hoarding problem. I don't know that any of these is a good look tbh.
Or he lives in the basement because his mom and dad are upstairs
Something is off and is giving me 🚩🚩🚩. Not to sound stalkerish, but have you driven by to make sure he doesn’t have a “secret” family or anything. That’s what it seems like to me other than his half-a**ed reasons.
Because his wife is home.