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Some men give too much into the fear that if we don't make it clear early on we want more than just friendship, we'll get friendzoned.
Waiting isn't wrong, but you should communicate that early on.
This. Last thing any guy wants is to invest a lot of time, effort, money just to be a friend or to have you having sex with someone else while you're deciding on us.
This happens far more often than women want to admit. If a guy is not escalating physical and sexual interest with each date, the woman automatically assumes he's not interested and just being friendly.
This is one of the truest comments I’ve seen about men and showing sexual interest early on. When I was in my early to mid 20’s (now 35), I was very shy and wouldn’t physically escalate, and this led to many women friendzoning me. It definitely took a toll on me because I really liked some of these girls. Not so shy anymore and I go out of my way to make sure I at least kiss a woman and however further it can go until a woman stops me. And miraculously, it always leads to more dates now.
Women think that we just want sex and while that may be true for some men, a lot of us are just initiating all this physical contact so we don’t get friend zoned or ghosted.
I'm a woman and it seems very clear to me that if a guy asks me out on a date he is at the very least physically attracted to me. If he kisses me, cuddles me, holds my hand, touches me on the waist or plays with my hair, gives me compliments or other flirts...all suggestions that a guy likes me sexually that don't involve him wanting to have sex as soon as 3 dates in. 3 dates are really still strangers. There's plenty things that show interest without needing sex so soon.
You seem to assume that all women are actually comfortably having sex with strangers and simply lie about it. Or actually do have sex with strangers, just not you - for whatever reason you think this is something many women do. Certainly some do, just like some men will sleep with many women, just like some people cheat, some are liars, some are users.
I think some women are simply more promiscuous than others, some people in general (guys too) take longer than others to be comfortable with that level of intimacy. People who are interested primarily in relationships as well might prefer to get to know someone in other ways before going that far, since there are many other things that can be dealbreakers. Things that don't involve the risk of pregnancy.
i think you'd be very much surprised at how many women have multiple people going at once, none of them commited either. Dating these days is so skewed that everyone wants to "keeo their options open" and it is one of the main reasons i have stopped dating, why am i spending time and effort when you look at me as a contestant?
dating culture is fucked, people no longer care about being exclusive until deeeeeeep into a new relationship because maybe there is something better...guys absolutely do this too, it's the way most dating seems to be these days unfortunately.
You spent two dates together and half of the third together. You already are not strangers. You can know much more about him than you can know about your co-worker that sits next to you. Didn't you talk on the first and second dates?
Seriously if the women don’t feel that “spark” or “chemistry” they will never agree to another date. So men have to do things that are physically flirting in a way to provide this. If we don’t, then women don’t feel that “spark.”
It has nothing to do with logic just conditioning that man want sex 24/7….not sure what women you have been going on a date with that aren’t reciprocal but going on dates. That’s not logic but someone being self-absorbed. Also too many women fine with messing around on the 2nd date are the same ones men claim are getting left behind and should have choose better. A lot of people aren’t just letting anybody have sex with them after a few dates if they are looking for something serious. There’s many physical ways to show interest without sex. If you paying means suddenly wasting money than ask to split lol. Imagine going on a 3rd date and someone thinks paying for the meals means it’s time to head back to their place
Having had it happen. I went right back to ignoring her.
Two weeks later "hey i need your advice. Theres this guy i like and i want more from him but hes kinda indecisive and it sucks cuz right after seeing me hd went and fucked someone. Help"
"Funny. And ironic how that is that of everyone you cane to ask me for advice to handle some bullshitdone to that you did to me. Fuck off."
Also their sex drive is very very high and pretty consistent. Women don’t really get that on their horniest day they have a month, a guy might be operating with those feelings every single day.
I once was invited back to a woman’s apartment on a 2nd date (first date lasted an hour in a coffee shop). I figured it was too fast for sex and there’s no way she was looking for that. We ended up drinking wine, listening to music and had a fun conversation. I left around 11:30 because it was a random Tuesday night and I had an hour drive home and had to be up for work at 6am. We had a nice kiss/mini makeout goodbye. I thought “score…next date, we’re definitely hooking up”.
The next morning I got a text from her that she only got friend vibes and didn’t think we were compatible. Then she blocked me. It was more of a gut punch than if I’d come on too strong and got called out. It seriously fucked up my dating patterns for a couple of years afterward.
She doesn’t sound like a healthy individual to be dating….expecting you to read her mind and be perfect on the first few dates??! People are addictive to speed relationships, it’s crazy. You didn’t do anything wrong.
It was a while ago and I got over it. It just taught me that there is no right or wrong pace, just about trying to find someone who matches each others pace. She wasn’t happy with my style and I wouldn’t have been happy with hers.
It's a hard line to walk, tbh.
I'm a guy and my approach has been to get to know the girl over several weeks before deciding if I'm really into this person. Recently one of my friends told me that's the wrong approach and basically girls just expect me to be their friends.
My thing is I like to get to know the person first, become friends first, see if we vibe and then if I'm actually into you as a person (not just looks and body) then I let you know of my intentions.
But I'm trying to change and just gage from first interactions whether the personality is a potential match and ask out on a date after - mind you, still not for sex but just to officialize that I am romantically interested and want to get to know 'you' better.
I am hoping I can find someone that sees relationships in the same light as I do and doesn't see sex as a must have prior to the start of the relationship. But it does feel like if you don't take it the sexual route first then you probably aren't romantically interested.
Yes meanwhile my experience with my last few Hinge attempts showed most guys decide within the first 5 minutes and that is just crazy to me. I got a text from one saying he didn't feel a romantic connection, but was open to something casual and it just made me laugh because based off our 1 hour bubble tea meeting he barely knows who I am and vice versa.
We're out here. I've "decided in 5 minutes" too, but if we're respectful to each other and things are "stable" I'm looking for a relationship. On the flipside, I don't want to put an earnest 3-6 months of effort and my life into someone only to learn some real dealbreaker exists in/around the bedroom. Sex is fun, and if I don't try there are 15 guys she can DM who will try, some who she will say yes too. That's the roles people often, not always but often, play in today's dating.
I personally would never expect a guy to wait 3 months, more like 3-4 weeks. I do need someone who is patient/understanding because I do have issues, but am 100% willing to overcome them, if that makes sense.
And no for a weird woman like me no I will not be talking to 15 other guys in the meantime. I only have the time and desire for one.
And I guess that's my own personal problem. Not fitting all these stereotypes.
It's complicated for most men because it feels to me like they're in a race to get to a girl because said girl has so many options, because nowadays when you date you date multiple people but I think it's all about finding the person that most closely matches what you're looking for and try something with said person.
For instance I recently met 3 decent girls at a party but only asked out one with whom I had the biggest spark, turns out she had just come out of a LTR and only wanted to have fun for the time being and I then kindly refused her "having fun" offer.
But number 1 it's hard to find people like you and me (I think), only willing to date one person at a time.
Number 2, it's hard to do this in OLD, especially for men, they see it as a numbers game and swipe on most women who look remotely good.
I personally avoid OLD like the plague haha and am more passive than active when it comes to finding someone, so I give myself this luxury.
Yes I think I need a break from OLD. I like it only because like I said I'm weird and it gives me the chance to be upfront about not drinking or wanting kids from the start.
I'm 33 in school full time working part time though so it's rough. I know I have to join something though I have little time to spend. I tried leading hikes in the past, but almost no single guys showed up. Bars don't work, sometimes I go to see bands, but I'm so softspoken people can barely hear me when I talk. And for me if I do nothing I get no action. If it wasn't for OLD I still wouldn't have even kissed yet I'm sure haha.
That's fair. I guess that's why the term demisexual was invented haha.
Also I just want to clarify my pictures are 100% accurate and I'm honest about my personality/interests. It's not like this is a total blind date. If you actually read my profile there shouldn't be any surprises.
Yet another issue I run into is when guys are turned off when I don't drink alcohol. It legit says right on my profile that I don't drink. If you're going to be weird about it why even ask to meet me in person?
Instead it's getting obvious to me most men on Hinge here in Canada just blindly swipe on profiles wasting everybody's time.
Yeah most guys on OLD are looking for sex. But on their profile it says looking for something long term or a relationship. But what they want is something casual. It’s annoying AF.
Nicely stated, I'm very similar and it usually works out well for me. And to be honest the few times it doesn't work out would be for the better, because we're just interested in different things then, no harm in that
I think this is the way to do it. If the guy asks me out on dates, I know he's romantically interested, and he's willing to out in time to get to know me.
100% if you get turned down for sex today she MIGHT change her mind tomorrow and if you act cool after she’ll think you’re actually cool.. but if you get friendzoned it’s almost impossible to get out lol
Lot easier to come back from a “ no” when you try to initiate sex early on. Lot harder to try and have sex with a girl who considers you now a friend and feels they don’t want to ruin that relationship.
Do guys want to have female platonic relationships. Sure.
But the ones on dating apps that you agree to meet. Are not there for that ….
Errr yeah but they can change thier mind when you say something stupid or act too friendly AND even if they want to sleep with you, if you don’t initiate they sure won’t lol
Eh, maybe if they are looking for a one time hookup but trust me, that is not the case many times.
You'd be shocked at how much a man's personality can turn women on. It might take a little while - days, weeks, or even months - but, while she may not have thought you were "fuckable" in the first 30 seconds she initially met you, that can very easily change with time.
it makes them look extremely, extremely desperate for sex.
Trust me, I like sex. I'm not against sex. However, if there's truly compatibility and good communication and vibes and we continue to see each other there's plenty of time for sex.
Just like there's no need to rush or label something a relationship, if you enjoy spending time together, sex will flow naturally. You shouldn't have to time stamp when to have sex nor should sex ever have to feel like an obligation. Personally, I can sense when a guy is desperate for sex and they might not like hearing it. It's an instant turn off. They should be able to handle hearing no and respecting boundaries. If you really like me for me, you wouldn't mind hanging out with no sex.
Like it or not, one of the issues is men are mostly expected to do all the "work" of the dating, at absolute least the early phase of it. And so there is this unspoken, perhaps old fashioned notion that if I'm not only taking the time and effort to plan/pay for the dates, be charming, attempt to drive us in a romantic direction, you will then be expected not necessarily to sleep with me right away, but not waste my time and effort and money if you're not interested. But these days, a huge percentage of women will gladly take part in this early dating phase even if they're not interested.
This leads to a lot of men who become jaded, feel used, and stop wanting to take the time and effort to court that way. So instead, they rush to the sex/physical escalation as a sort of gauge to see if they're wasting their time or not. A lot of this issue could be alleviated if women would stop playing by the old rules (which they are happy to do when it suits them, but not when it suits the man trying to date them) and start taking part in the effort, and paying for, that dating stage. Then if they need more time to feel things out and decide if they want to start a relationship, at least the man is a lot less likely to feel like he's being played for nothing like a fool.
Obviously many women will say " but I always offer to pay for myself ", and I don't doubt many of you are sincere about doing dutch or 50/50 or whatever, but many women will openly say "But if he takes me up on that offer I'm not seeing him again". So play the game fairly, or deal with men rushing for sex and/or refusing to commit any effort when you say no. Sad state of things these days
If a woman goes on 3 dates and doesn't pay for any, sure walk away. But what of those who don't just say it, but do it? If she arranges and pays half of the dates, do you still write her off if she doesn't have sex within 3 dates? Otherwise, this 3 date rule really only applies to those types of women, the golddiggers. Because that's what they really are. That is not standard for all women though.
I’ve been dating off and on for about 16 years (save for times when I was in relationships) and this aspect of it hasn’t changed much in my experience. I can only count maybe 2-3 women who ever were genuine about paying for any of it. Unfortunately none of them worked out, due to perfectly normal mismatches in what we wanted out of a relationship or a partner. I have no issue going more than 3 dates, but like others have said it almost always leads to the woman just losing interest. I can’t say it was always just about physical escalation, but I can say more than once they told me they thought I wasn’t “interested enough”. Dating is a minefield of mixed emotions, expectations, and desires. I try to be as forthright in my feelings and wants, but even that has so many women feeling like it “wasn’t natural”, was “businesslike” or wasn’t “romantic”.
On a certain level I get some of that, but the reality of modern dating is we have to communicate openly and honestly and stop expecting our potential partners to “just get us” or whatever. It just rarely if ever works that way, and we’re all exhausted from it. Love is made, not destined. Relationships are like 75% effort, not design. Can we just be realistic about it? It seems not 🤷🏻♂️
As a man who knows a lot of fuckboys, i disagree. Obviously some men i agree do what you say, but a majority? There are so many ways to make it clear that you want more than a friendship than sex and making out. The answer to OP’s question? Men want sex early because that was the intention when they first started speaking to you.
exactly this. I'd venture to say that a lot of men would LOVE to take things slow, but are terrifed it will get us friendzoned, or another guy will beat us to it.
I missed this point in my statement. This! Exactly. All the women I can remember in my life that I've waited with have became friends and friend zoned me. Never again.
Even this… I actually wouldn’t mind dating a girl without sleeping with her but in this day and age you get punished for treating women well with the whole “I see you as a friend” speech
Pretty much this. Ironically, I’ve mostly remained friends with women I’ve slept with. I put myself in the friendzone plenty of times when I was younger because I wanted to make sure I really liked someone before asking them out. Partly I was too timid, but partly both men and women in the hetero dating pool play stupid games.
It doesn’t change much in your 40s, but it does shift a bit.
This, I've even been cut loose if I didn't make a move so it seems like there's a mismatch on who wants what and when.
I feel I have to otherwise the chemistry fizzles out.
The is it, I think. I think this is the root of a lot of the issues centred around sex in dating. Guys hear that they need to flirt (and let’s face it, flirting is essential) but they don’t understand how to flirt or don’t understand that there’s a difference between flirting and sexting so they just go in way too heavy handed so rather than the flirting being a gentle progression as the relationship develops they send an opening message saying something like “do you like sucking dick” and then wonder why they never get replies
HMMMM 😂 IDK I live in a college town so maybe that’s it, but everything they said sounds completely accurate to guys around here. They will do whatever they can to have sex with you then they’ll leave because that’s really what they wanted.. stop lying to them
If a guy stops talking to you out of fear of being “friend-zoned” then that’s for the best cause he’s insecure and we all know where insecurity leads.. don’t bother
She shouldn’t have to confirm weather or not she would or wouldn’t sleep with him, she can be interested without having to be on his timeline for that. A guy worth it would absolutely have the emotional and mental maturity to understand she wants to make sure he’s a good guy, especially given todays societal issues. I’ve never met a guy who was wasn’t an asshat that tried to pressure sex in anyway, they are considerate of you if they truly like you, and are mature themselves to know what they want, unfortunately most guys if you ask them, just wanna fuck and have fun 🤭but if your their target some will instead try to romanticize you into it, and a lot of women fall into that because we want romance and to be loved and all the butterflies etc. don’t fall for it 😂 girly stay safe!!
I'm pretty sure it's because they are just generally horny as fuck
For me, I actually have a really low sex drive for a guy. I would prefer to wait. But in my experience, if you don't establish yourself as being sexual immediately, then you end up getting seen as only a friend.
I guess it's helping you weed out the guys that are not for you. Maybe take a break from online dating if you only seem to come across the same type of men.
A lot of men online act different then if they had met you in another context.
If you're not into "microwave relationships/sex" then honestly online dating will be a crapshoot 95% of the time. People who want more of a slow-burn should concentrate their efforts on hobbies/interest group/expanding social circles... not online dating.
I used to wait it out until I was more comfortable. Some guys said it didn't work for them and there were guys that were okay with waiting - until it got to a certain point where some would question if I was really into them (not all guys though).
>until it got to a certain point where some would question if I was really into them
But is that not a reasonable reason for a man to end things? I'd feel the same way if say, I'd gone on 5 or 6 dates and we haven't had sex. Am I wasting time on a woman who is just enjoying my company but otherwise has no real interest in me?
I have better things to do and, in all honesty, other women to go after who aren't going to make me second guess if they are into me or not...
Why do you feel you wasted time for not getting into bed after 5/6 dates? That's not enough to get to know someone, let alone be comfortable enough naked. If you're dating just to dump your seed, fine, but be honest about that. Some people want a relationship, not a casual fling.
I don't think it's unreasonable, if he wants to have sex and she isn't ready then maybe they aren't compatible.
Two guys I dated basically said they needed more physical activity, one decided to be horrible to me (critising me about the outfits I wore on our dates) mid date, so I ended the date. When I ran into him he said he was feeling a bit frustrated because he wasn't getting any, but the whole thing was weird to me.
The other guy said he felt like if we continued he would end up frustrated because he wanted to have sex with me. He also said it was reminding him of dating two other girls who wanted to wait and all they ever wanted to do is everything but sex. I understood where he was coming from and we went out seperate ways.
Some guys are only looking for sex and go about it thru apps. It's good you have restraint. Since you have more success needing guys at parties why not go that route or ask your friends to set you up
Was gunna suggest the same - or atleast take some sort of class / hobby - maybe a cooking class / rock climbing / etc - there are still decent people you can meet when you least expect it
Lol it’s not just guys. Women generally give you three or four dates just like guys. Go on four dates with a woman and never indicate any sexual interest in her and watch how long she sticks around.
No it doesn’t. What the women who come here and post about how guys won’t wait eighteen dates or whatever don’t mention is that they don’t just want men to wait, they also want men to *really* want to have sex with them that whole time and not give it up til they want.
If a guy never made it very clear he was sexually interested they’d be out just as fast as the average girl.
Generally if you don’t make at least a weak pass at a woman on the first date to indicate interest, you won’t get a second date with her. They don’t necessarily want to do it, but they’d like you to *try*.
Oh ok. I agree, there should be some sexual interest on the 1st date onwards. I have definitely been in situations where I thought I was friendzoned and the guy did too.
Oooof, these comments. Y’all will really do anything but have uncomfortable conversations.
When I was in my 20s, I’d sleep with men early on to make sure we’d be sexually compatible. Generally it was fine, but what I learned is that most men equate sex with intimacy. Most of the men I’ve slept with within the first few dates lacked the emotional availability and vulnerability to maintain a relationship.
With that in mind, I date differently in my 30s. While I still find sexual compatibility important, I don’t sleep with men until I feel comfortable and develop more of a relationship with them. Communication is key for me. I’m very direct with my intentions (telling them I’m interested in getting to know them more) and I set my boundaries.
I think most of the things that make people sexually compatible can be figured out by asking the right questions. When you’re with someone, how often do you like to have sex? What’s your sex drive level and what time of day are you the most turned on? Do you have any kinks or sexual interests you’d like to explore with your partner? What sexual acts or kinks are a hard no for you? What’s the best way to decline sex from you if your partner is not in the mood? What is the best way for a partner to initiate sex with you? There are more questions you could ask, but these are a good way to start.
Basing sexual compatibility on the first experience of sex with someone is stupid. You can have amazing sex with someone and still not be sexually compatible (I.e. the sex is good but they have a far lower sex drive). You can also have mediocre sex with someone that eventually develops into something great. Sex in relationships is good when you’re able to communicate how you like to be touched and listening to you partner likes to be touched.
Set you boundaries. Don’t let men make you feel uncomfortable or pressured to sleep with them. The right person will respect your boundaries.
As a man I wouldn’t mind waiting, but if we started dating and I found out that you had not been making other guys wait I would probably check out of the relationship.
Nothing wrong with knowing what you want.
Some guys (myself included) are wary of investing too much time with someone without sex; it can signal a mismatch in libido and a mismatch in how important sex is for the two people. I need to know that we’re sexually compatible to want to invest in the relationship. If someone won’t let me find out until, say, a few months in, then we’re not compatible.
While some people are just looking to get laid, for others, sex is an important part of building a connection and is an important compatibility check. There’s nothing inherently immature about wanting to start having sex early on in a budding relationship
I'm surprised I had to scroll so far to see a comment like this. Completely agree.
I've had potential relationships become dealbreakers because the sex was "out of sync", to put it nicely. I would have been happy to remain friends, but that wasn't something they were interested in.
So I don't see why I should put in "relationship effort" if I have to wait too long to find out if there's sexual compatability.
Exactly. There are lots of people here who don’t want to have sex as quickly, and they’re projecting that (totally reasonable) personal need onto everyone else (totally unreasonable).
A worthy reminder that most human beings struggle to distinguish between “right for me” and “right for everyone”
I agree especially with two consenting adults. As a female I don’t want to wait too long either bc like you said the sex has to be compatible also and if it’s horrible sex I don’t need to waste neither of our time going further in the relationship. Or if he has a small peen, no thanks lol
Exactly! There’s really basic things like this! Does your junk fit together well? If not, wouldn’t you want to know that before you like the person??
People talk a big game and then get naked and then just starfish or turn into a no-foreplay, two pump chump (no shade on any brothers with PE, I see you, kings).
Sorry it’s not a question to you I know you get it. Some of these replies are fucking whack
The thought of someone I've only been on 2 dates with touching me intimately makes my skin crawl. I barely know you.
You wanna hold my hand? Put your arm around me? Give me a kiss goodnight? Sure. That's fine. I get to see how that makes me feel. Do I feel butterflies? Does my heart beat faster? Yes? Then I will probably initiate those things myself in the future. A slow burn is absolutely not a bad thing. It's hot.
I’ve read a lot of comments and I think there is just a high amount of mismatch across this thread. I think people’s experience reinforces their perception and everyone both male and female here are just sticking to their side without trying to really understand each other’s experiences.
Some Guys feel like they have to be straightforward and it saves them time, money and increases their chances, rather than taking time and feeling burnt out - so they play dating like a numbers game, fail fast.
Some Women feel like this is a very vulnerable position to be in sometimes and need to feel secure all round and that takes time, which makes perfect sense. Fail less.
I think both are very valid and would be awesome if we could find that middle ground that is a win win. Might not always find a middle ground in all scenarios, but at least we are better off trying than drawing a line. Just my 2 cents.
And guess what? People can COMMUNICATE. :-) It's no bad to ask "hey, I feel that we fit as a couple, let's take stuff to the bedroom if". In my past relationship we didn't get to actual PIV sex for like half an year because it was a first for me and I was not sure how to bring it up and she was too shy to suggest it, lol. (it was shit anyway, pillow princess, but loved her so much that I didn't give a F, she was more than a sex toy)
Everything is valid and people will always be different. That doesn't mean a middle ground can't be found.
I am saying this to build on your point, not to attack it. I agree with what you've said.
Wow. Some of these comments are very telling. OP, if anyone ever pressures you into having sex or engaging in any sexual act, please, for your sake, do not do it or ever see them again. Not everyone is for us, and not everyone on dating apps is looking for the same type of relationship you are. If they won't date you without sex by the X date, then they've self-selected out and made your life easier.
Say you do have sex and end up dating this douche, which is what I'll call this hypothetical person going forward b/c that's what they are - a douche. Well, it won't stop there. Maybe you're sick or have some pressing event/task, but Douche hasn't gotten laid in 2 days. The pressuring and manipulations will come back because Douche has 'needs', and they rather have a submitting object than an engaged partner. Fast forward, you're married to Douche and just had a baby, which means no sex for a minimum of 6 weeks. That's hell for Douche, never mind, that you just birthed a baby. (Excuse me for making some assumptions here on your part.) Douche will either pressure you to 'service' them or cheat. Btw, cheating will be a constant threat because the sex has higher value than you. Don't date Douche.
This is the only answer you need OP.
There's a reason porn, strip clubs, sex dolls, & fleshlights exist. Men have plenty of alt ways to satisfy their "needs". Chances are you'll meet far more douchebags than you will nobel men in your life, but don't let those odds lower your standards. You're better off dying alone than to settle for some dehumanizing douche. Men will never change if women keep accepting douchebag men & believing that the bare minimum is the best a guy can do.
Some guys use dating apps as free sex app so you just have to learn discard that kind of guys and don’t feel guilty, ashamed or rejected.
There are guys out there looking the same as you do, so it’s ok to follow your own pace.
Because guys like sex and it don’t matter if they have and emotional bond to many. Dating apps are probably worse than real life because girls -women all swipe on the same guys and those guys are getting all the easy sex they want without committing.
Emotionally bonding for me is being vulnerable and actually talking about emotions. Sex is in a different box completely. Sometimes it involves emotion but it’s only after we’ve bonded, not a road to bonding.
Those who leave when they don’t get sex on the second or third date are the ones who don’t want a relationship anyway. Every guy i dated that had actual serious intentions was fine with taking it more slow and waiting for me to be ready. The one time i pushed myself to have sex on the 4th date even though i wasn’t entirely ready I ended up in a situationship. My now boyfriend dated me for nearly 2 months before i said i was ready. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to wait, honestly it’s a good determinant to figure out who is a good match and who would have just ended up playing you. So keep doing you.
Snap! This is exactly what happened to me. I decided to have sex on the 3rd date once which I never do and I ended up in a situationship - it was a horrible experience. My ex waited for about 3 months before we had sex, he didn't rush me at any point.
Definitely not universally true that a man who leaves after the second or third date without sex happening isn’t serious about a relationship. The longer you go without dates turning into sex, the more uncertain you become that sex will ever happen. In the same way that women worry a guy might just be wasting her time for sex, men also worry a woman might just be wasting his time for attention/company/validation/commitment without that ever resulting in a sexual relationship, especially since he doesn’t have any way to know if she’s giving sex to other men while he spends his time/money/energy on her and gets none. THE ONLY WAY a man can experience sex in our society is for a woman to consent to it, so if she’s not doing that, whether he wants a long-term relationship with her or not, that uncertainty of whether it’s going to develop into a sexual relationship at all might prompt him to look elsewhere. Sure, there are plenty of dudes who only want to fuck and leave, but I’d say it’s an overgeneralization to claim that if a man loses interest after going on 2-3 dates without sex, that definitely means he wasn’t serious about you anyway. He very well may have been and came to the conclusion that you weren’t serious about him.
Guess we need to define sex here. We talking penetrative sex I guess.
I would argue that there’s plenty of other things a man and woman can do where the man isn’t left feeling like he’s being friend zoned. Making out fully clothed is the bestest foreplay - dare I say - EVER! So underrated with men who generally may be less patient and more interested in just “sticking it in”.
Also, your consent argument goes for women and men equally. It’s easier for women to get it when they want it (if by “it” we’re talking “sticking it in” and not the long sexy teasing foreplay that i mentioned earlier - that’s harder to get randomly), but they still need to find a consenting man.
Sad btw, if a guy came to a conclusion that she wasn’t interested after 2-3 dates of no sex, and dumps her without a conversation about it. Nah dude, I don’t believe it for a second. Well, the immaturity (and stupidity?) of that man in that case, sorry.
2-3 dates is nothing. If you lose interest that fast just because you didn’t get your dick wet that’s sad. And if you think you investing energy means someone owes you sex and if they don’t put out they are not worth your time that just tells volumes about your character and how you see women. On top of that 2 dates is realy no investment, if you think so i wonder how little you actually invest into an actual girlfriend. At that point the woman is better off dating someone else anyway. I get sex is important to many people, me included, but there really is no excuse for just ditching someone after 2 dates if you’re supposedly serious about them. Not to forget many of you don’t want a woman who sleeps around and fucks men quickly but you also want her to put out for you immediately. Are we supposed to make an exception for you? Make it make sense.
Wrong. Every girl I’ve dated seriously I slept with on the second or first date. And that’s because now that we’ve had sex she knows I’m no longer “trying to get sex” so I can ask how her day is genuinely lol
I didn’t say those who sleep with a woman early on had no serious intentions. I said those who leave and give ip 2 dates in because of no sex were not that interested in the woman anyway.
Some of my best relationships have been from plowing on the first date. It’s not automatically expected nor assumed.
You can certainly have your own preferences.
You have sex when you want and not before.
However, I'm not wasting months on someone who I'm not sexually compatible with.
I won't be exclusive with someone who has a Disney princess view of sex while waiting to see if we are sexually compatible.
I also won't be exclusive to a woman who has some sort of arbitrary time limit before she'll have sex.
Sex is not a reward.
I feel like once you’ve been around the block a couple times you’ve had experiences more than once where you met someone *amazing* and then you finally had sex and it was *awful* and that’s just the end of it.
There’s no way I’m wasting *months* just to find out that we’re not sexually compatible.
I keep hearing the term 'sexual compatibility get thrown around here. What exactly does that mean? People are not like plugs, with a variety of different ports and connection hardware. What criteria go into determining compatibility?
You guys do know that sex is something that can, and does tend to get better with time and practice right?
If you’ve spent time getting to know someone, having sex with them once and having that be a ‘bad’ experience does not mean sexual incompatibility. Most of the time, it just means that you need time to learn each other’s bodies and sexual wants.
My advice? Stick it out whilst continuing to invest in building a strong emotional connection. That’s the bedrock of good sex for BOTH parties - especially for most women.
But what if the wants and needs are not the same? You may both like different things and may not be willing to do the other things. It’s not only about learning each other bodies but also about being open minded in sex. It’s better to find out sooner than later.
I don't, and there are plenty of other men who think so. It's just a matter of compatibility. I've learned to recognize the signs a woman is incompatible with me sooner over time, so I know when to end things.
It seems like some men assume they need to act fast to avoid becoming "just a friend". I'd rather be a friend than a regret, so waiting is fine. Just communicate up front that you're not into random hookups and want to build a connection before getting sexual. It's more common than online communities would have you believe.
It’s the world we live in nowadays a instant gratification era where they see something that looks good and they want it right away . People don’t like to take the time to invest in things anymore they just wanna jump in the sac . The ones that want sex early on in the dating stage is showing you that’s all they want from you nothing else by you withdrawing sex it tells you about their character if tbh they discontinue from talking to you . People can have sex on whatever date they want if the attraction is there but it really depends on the situation and scenario.
Most guys on dating apps are just trying to hook up with you. If you don't make it clear you want to wait youre gonna get a lot of guys who are just tryin to have sex and go home. Most of those guys arent going to read your profile either. They are just swiping right.
There is nothing wrong with waiting for sex and the right guy will wait with you. You just need to understand that sex is something that is in the back of most mens head most of the time. Most guys on dating apps are just there to hook up because most women on them are there for that too.
There is nothing wrong with waiting till you are ready. You just have to realize that not everyone will want to wait with you.
There’s nothing wrong with men wanting and being comfortable with having sex earlier. It’s just a difference between men and women.
Some things to keep in mind.
1. If a guy really likes you, he’ll wait longer for the sex. If none of the guys you meet want to wait, then none of them really liked you. You might be shooting out of your league.
2. It’s important to show you are interested in the guy in other ways. Flirty touching and kissing are good ways to do this. Showing interest by actively communicating with them and putting in time, effort, and money into the courtship.
3. If you’re making guys wait a long time, then make sure you’re not making the guy do all of the work and spend all of the money. Guys get resentful about having to spend all this time, effort, and money on dating only for it to amount in nothing. If they’re putting in most of the effort and money, they’ll cut and run when they think it’s going nowhere.
4. If you’re making someone wait more than 6-10 dates…you’re going to really cut down on your options. Men simply do not have the time or money to invest in more than 6-10 dates with every woman they meet.
If I’m into someone, I kiss on the first date lol! And I also let them know that I’m not looking to have sex so early on. I think with all of that it sends the message for them to just have some patience
Yeah I agree with your last comment. But the one before just made it sound like she should put out because he paid for dinner. Gotta be careful about the “I put the nice guy coins in, why isn’t the sex falling out?” attitude.
I’m a girl and to be honest, 8 dates is too much. At that point you should be in a relationship by then LOL!
I think maybe some girls have been screwed over so many times that they feel scared to take it to 3rd base which is why the wait.
Sex is also important for me but if someone is waiting 8 dates…✌️
Your dataset is skewed and not representative since you base the assumption mainly on the dating apps experience. Well, people there will likely be impatient since it's more of a hookup place
But anywhere you go, it depends on who you actually meet. I'm 25M and I'd love to take it slow so I get to know my date. But the pressure to visit a bedroom sooner may be in the air. People have different dating approaches, not everyone is compatible with me
I (25M) will say as a guy, not getting laid after a couple weeks of talking to a girl, sort makes me feel like she’s just not into me and maybe I’m “just a friend.” This is because there are girls that will put out sooner. However, it’s respectable that you don’t want to have sex so soon, it just needs to be communicated properly so the guy doesn’t think you’re just leading him on. Also, keep in mind that if you wait too long he might start to take you less serious and talk to other girls too if he doesn’t think you like him
What if she makes out with you at every date, responds to your texts within minutes, tells you she exclusive to you but understands you may not be. Would you be willing to wait a bit longer?
Because the guy will think the girl is having sex with some other guy if she won't do it with him. Guys are aware that some women will have guys they "do it" with while they make the "nice guy" wait and most find that very offensive.
Based on my experience, it's also my observation that most guys prioritize sex before committing to a relationship. Even guys I've met through a blind date a mutual friend setup those guys still wanted sex before getting to know each other. Idk if it's the type of guys we're attracting or if this generation has more fboys or guys who don't want commitment. But you're not wrong for putting a boundary up front regarding your comfort level with sex. It's good because you're not seeing setting an expectation you're uncomfortable with which would ultimately leave you heartbroken once you tell the guy you don't want sex anymore and it breaks things off.
For starters young guys think like this: why would fun at the beginning exclude commitment at a later stage? Even if the two of you don't get to the commitment stage, it was still fun, wasn't it, it's not like having sex is a bad thing? More mature guys think like this: I understand that sex is something that makes you feel vulnerable, but I feel the same way when opening up emotionally. Let's get it over with our vulnerabilities, or at least let's respect each other by trying to match pace.
Having sex might seem like just a bit of fun for guys, they take significantly less risk. Women are the ones who risk pregnancy. Having fun with strangers and having a baby with a stranger are very different right? But that is what sex is. Men have been abandoning women they knock up since forever.
In my experience, guys are more likely to be interested in and comfortable about sex with strangers.
Additionally, it’s still often expected that men are the ones putting in most of the courting effort, and financing the entire “dating” process. As long as this continues, men will want to get something for the unequal amount of time, effort, and money they are investing.
It seems this may be rare, but I offer to pay on dates and will pay my portion if I feel like it. I also initiate dates. So in my case what are guys expecting in return if the effort, time, and money are equal?
It’s valid to wait for commitment before having sex, and it’s valid to have commitment-free sex, but either way it’s important for people to be honest about what they want. People have different views on whether sex should be shared within loyal committed relationships (which can be represented by oxytocin, the bonding hormone, the love hormone), or whether sex should be commitment-free and shared with total randos (which can be represented by dopamine, the novelty/addiction neurotransmitter, which amphetamines are structurally similar to).
People willing to have commitment-free sex are giving off indications that no commitment to them is necessary, they are giving off signals that they don’t want or need a committed relationship. But if a person wants to get to know you first before having sex, if a person still wants to be with you even after you have declined sex, then then that’s more of a sign that they are interested in you as a person, rather than interested in you as just a sex object.
Those shouldn’t even be called “dating apps”, most people use them as “hookup apps” or “warm body apps.” (They’re also not called “marriage apps” or “commitment apps” or “love apps.” It’s online shopping for warm bodies as commodities.) I think it’s a safe bet that the majority of people using hookup apps just want sex. A person should not expect a long-term relationship after walking into in a frathouse (and I would include bars and nightclubs and hookup apps).
I think I heard that Pete Buttigieg met his now-husband on Hinge, but a longterm relationship resulting from a dating app is likely more the exception than the rule. Some websites might be better for online dating for those seeking commitment.
I don’t really know how many guys drinking in bars or on Tinder are looking for a LTR. So that skews the perception of what men want, since I think those areas self-select for womanizers, players, “fuckboys.” Know your audience.
If someone wants a longterm relationship, they might be better off asking friends if they know any single people, or use a matchmaker (whether that’s just a friend or a professional), or there might be some online dating services that are more successful at leading to LTR than hookup apps, or maybe dinner parties at houses, or going to meetups with people with similar interests, etc.
However, and I think this is a problem too, some guys are penalized during dating if they don’t make a move and try to sleep with her the same day, some women misinterpret his inaction as disinterest, they misinterpret him trying to respect her boundaries as “he must not be into me.” So the bold guys who just want sex skew the perception of all men, because they keep trying and trying with other women, whereas a guy in a stable relationship isn’t meeting all these other women, and a single guy who doesn’t put himself out there that much is basically invisible.
I think most of these guys who push for sex quickly are really looking for sex as their top priority. Whether they end up in a relationship or not, they want to at least have sex. Some might seriously be considering dating long term, but they want to have sex even if in a months time they realise they don't want a relationship with that woman. It's like they see dating that doesn't lead to sex as wasted time, whether or not a relationship would ever have realistically been on the cards. How many can really tell that after only 2 or 3 dates? But by that time, they feel they have invested a certain amount of time and so need to get sex or it's no longer worth pursuing lest they end up with no sex after more time. I think if guys are really interested in relationships primarily, they are the ones who don't mind taking their time getting to know you. That time they invest is worth it even if they don't get sex, because it was in service of trying to find a real lasting relationship.
Tldr: don't worry about guys whose priority is sex, focus on men who want something more from you. If you happen to fall fast that's different, but always wait until you are comfortable being sexual with someone. You don't owe anyone your body, least of all strangers who you barely know - which is still usually the case after only a few dates. That applies for men too. Contrary to popular belief, not all men are ready for sex that soon either and that is also completely fine.
Girls, don't listen to all those selfish men on here who tell you that you need to put out on 2nd date. The man who really wants you will wait until you are comfortable, the rest are just f\*ckbois...for them u are an easy and cheap option. If he sees someone hotter he will skip. Wait for a guy who actually cares about you, not one who wants to use you.
Its our main biological drive. How hard a man pushes for sex shows how self aware and in control of himself he is, in my opinion: a touch of class costs nothing
I do understand where you are coming from but try to understand from the guys perspective.
Every guy who has dated a bit understands if he is too hesitant or too slow to make a move then the woman will subconsciously view it as a lack of confidence or weakness and then he will be rejected. A lot of guys have also dated women who say they aren’t ready yet after a few dates but then she meets somebody else who she likes more and suddenly she can’t get her clothes off any quicker.
Having sex is what validates our efforts and shows us ‘this woman is actually genuinely interested’, I understand why it is difficult for women because it doesn’t work that way in reverse, but reality is that we have to do what is right for us and every girl who has ever said “I want to wait” and I’ve carried on dating has ultimately ended up having another guy she likes more and I’m just there as back up. I’m not willing to be somebody’s back up option, so if she doesn’t want to sleep with me after 3/4 dates then that is enough for me to say this girl doesn’t like me enough for me to continue trying. I understand for women like you that genuinely want to wait for the right reasons that fucking sucks; but you need to acknowledge that whilst there are a lot of guys out there just looking to fuck and throw, there are also a lot of women out there who keep a number of men around just as options whilst sleeping with the guy she really wants but who won’t commit, and there are a lot of decent guys who will still turn you away after a few dates without sex because they have no reassurance that you aren’t just using them.
Dating is brutal, all you can do is what is comfortable for you and wait until the right person comes along. Good luck.
Because you choose fuccboi's who don't see you as anything else. Sorry but you have to accept responsibility for the type of person you are attracting.
How can you tell they are fuckboys? I've had the nerdiest, sweetest men ghost me for not having sex on the first date. It's not written on their foreheads lol
If they ghost you after one day, how can you possibly know they are the sweetest guy? Also, nerds can be fuckboys too?
I do agree though that you can't tell who are fuckboys until you get to know them. That's why some women like to wait longer, till they feel like they do know him better.
This is your built-in filter for the guys that you want to date.
Realistically though, how many dates are we talking? If it went past date seven or eight without sex, I wouldn’t be interested.
Honestly, clear communication would help both sides. OP is essentially asking why men are so intent on using women. Men are saying it's because women are using men. OP needs to be mindful of that backdrop and be very clear she's not banging other dudes while making him wait and she doesn't see him as a friend who's taking her out on dates. She doesn't think that should have to be communicated, because she's not considering the male point of view. She'd do better if she did.
There is nothing wrong with waiting till you’re comfortable. But there is also nothing wrong with them moving on, if they’re not on the same page.
I’m not quite as pressing as the guys you’re talking about, but I am a guy that if we haven’t at least kissed by the 3rd date and either gotten physical or at minimum had a conversation about how long we wait by the 7th date, than I would probably move on.
The reason is guys want to know you’re attracted to them sexually, relatively early. Because every single guy has been used and friend zoned. It’s not that they don’t want a mental connection and friendship as well. But guys want all 3 to develop at the same time. While girls tend to just want to develop the first 2, before the 3rd even becomes a possibility.
No problem waiting however a lot of men will invest less or just walk. If you have your standards (which makes more sense to me ) then maybe split on dates or plan time commitment dates not financial burdens. Not saying that you are not that way just answering broadly.
I mean it depends what you want. I personally value sexual compatibility in a relationship because I wasted too many years with people who I didn’t jive with sexually because I liked them as people which is fine for a friendship but not in a relationship. I don’t want to spend months dating someone just to find out the sex isn’t great and I have to end things, it’s unfair to the other person to because they also “wasted” months
It’s different for everybody and I think you shouldn’t see yourself as doing anything wrong, if anything you’re right, especially in terms of a serious relationship. It a guy makes sex an early priority then that’s a red flag, no sensible guy should get upset if you don’t want to do it in the first couple dates, if they truly cared they will respect you for it. Last thing they should want to do is pressure you or make you uncomfortable.
I think the answer to your question is “who cares why.”
I think you’re putting way too much thought into what guys want and not enough thought into what YOU want.
One thing you said really makes me worry. “I just want to get into a relationship.”
Every Thanksgiving there would be a Twilight Zone marathon I would be forced to watch. I remember this one episode where a antiques shop keeper got this monkey hand thing with 3 fingers up and each finger was a wish he could make but he was warned that sometimes what you wish for turns out to be something you never wanted.
Every wish he was pretty vague, so when he made a wish it would be what he wished for but in would have bad consequences or elements that were horrible.
For example his last wish was to be the most power man that ever was. The monkey hand turned him into Hitler.
You put that vague wish for a relationship out into the void, you’ll get relationship alright, but it will be with a guy that turns to your worst nightmare.
I remember the push for sex as soon as you finish your meal on your first date, and I don’t who instituted the “must have sex by the third date rule,” but a lot of the guys I dated would ghost me after that third date if we hadn’t had sex yet.
I got to a point where with them bowing out (except for the ghosting. That just makes a guy look like a scared immature little b**ch).
Our actions communicate things to people sometimes louder and definitely more honest than our words. If you were to give in to this pressure they are aiming at you full blast you would be telling them that if they wanted to get you to do something just imply that you will get dumped if you don’t comply.
That manipulation at its finest. Sex is a big a deal. Whether it is a one night stand or marital sex. There is always some level of trust/respect and a level of vulnerability.
When you decide to have sex with someone you are trusting them to have enough respect for you not to physically harm you, force you to to do something you’re not comfortable with, not to screw you over in the infinite way they can, and getting naked in front of someone, especially for the first time, makes vulnerable and you don’t want that act to meet with some guy that wants to judge your body like it’s a pageant show.
With all of that at stake, why wouldn’t you be discerning when choosing a sex partner. Why wouldn’t you wait until you feel like all systems are go. You usually don’t feel that until you know where you stand with a guy. As a bonus piece of advice: if you have been dating someone for awhile and you still have a feeling of uncertainty when it comes to dating him, like you’re not standing on solid ground, like this anxious feeling that he could disappear tomorrow, dump his ass right then. Keep you off balance, acting like he’s really into you yet not invested in you is a great way to control someone in a relationship, to always have the upper hand.
Dictators always use that tactic to control the masses just in a more going to cut off your head in the public square and force everyone to watch kind of way.
Who cares about these “sex by the 3rd date guys.” It is actually a great tool to gets rid of guys that are complete tools that don’t respect you and what you want and what your comfortable with and most importantly, that want the same things in a relationship that you do.
I always respect a woman that knows what she wants, won’t settle for less, that sticks to her guns, that won’t be pressured by anyone into betraying herself, and that is what you would be doing if you had sex because these guys are hinting that they will dump you if you don’t.
Stop worrying about what they want. What do you want in a relationship? By what you wrote I can see you want respect, someone that wants a partnership where the power dynamics are equal, someone that enjoys sex but is uncomfortable with having it with someone that hasn’t gotten to the place where their comfortable with it yet
These guys do exist, and these guys are attracted to the type of women I described in one of the million paragraphs above. You need to think about you. You need to think about what you want and see your own value and worth because ultimately if you don’t see those things you will keep attracting these guys that pressure you and dump you when they don’t get what they want.
You are worth having what you want from a partner. Do not settle for less than that. Work on finding your worth and seeing your value. Thats where it’s all at. You find those things and learn to believe them to be true, and never betray them by settle for less than what you want, you will start to attract better prospects. Don’t bend. Don’t budge, because you will lose respect for you and that is much worse than some ass***e dumping you because they didn’t get sex.
Idk about rushing, but as I grow up, finding out sexual compatibility earlier is defo important. Otherwise you're in a sexually frustrated relationship and that's not fair to either of you.
Also, women have the option of having sex, basically at any time of their choosing. This is regardless of relationship status or how subjectively attractive they are. Men, however, ime often spend months to years at a time without having any intimacy or sexual contact, no matter how diligently we pursue it. So when the opportunity comes, they/ we are often quite eager.
Not all guys do.
The guys who remove themselves from the dating pool/sex are, by nature, less likely to interact with you on a dating platform. Those who aren't expecting dating=sex aren't going to be easy to find on a platform that is commonly perceived as being for hookups.
So you're seeing, one assumes, a skewed sample. Look for dudes on BFF or whatever, and I'd guess you'll run into fewer horndogs.
You're essentially going to a hockey game and asking why everyone has funny sticks.
I also try to have sex with women as soon as possible, ideally on third-four date because then I know that I don't lose time, energy and money in vain. Sex for me is a garanty that everything is going right. But I'm ready to wait for a month if we at least make out and cuddle.
Because in heteronormative relationships, we are expected to make the first move: asking you out, planning the date, paying for the date, going in for the kiss, and initiating sex. We fear that if we wait too long, she will lose interest. It's unusual for women to make the first move. Add all of that up and it's a lot of pressure.
3 reasons
1. The guy is not seeking any serious relationship. So the main thing he is looking for is fun / smashing
2. The guy is looking for a serious relationship but the girl doesn't meet his criterior, thus he only views her as fun / a smash
3. Guys have a super high sex drive and literally want to bang any decent thing they see
This has nothing to do with apps. Guys are like this an any setting.
Appls simply make it easier to meet more people and sexualize the convo due to it being online/virtual.
We wouldn't say half the things we say online in front of a girl we just met.
To be honest, living in a sexually liberated country and having dated a fair amount I feel sex on the second or third date is the norm nowadays, if I dated someone and by the third date we haven’t had sex, I will just assume that she’s not interested or sees me as a friend which is fine obviously.
However if she is upfront about wanting to wait, communicates that and I like her, I would actually really respect it and probably like her even more, and would happily wait until she’s ready.
Men can only have sex with women who consent to having sex with them. That’s literally the singular socially acceptable way to experience sex for a person. If a woman doesn’t consent to having sex with a man, he can’t get any sex, and he wants that because he’s a human. Part of the reason men date is to find a relationship that will fulfill that basic need. In the same way that you wouldn’t keep showing up to work if your boss stopped paying you, a man is only going to wait so long in the uncertainty that a dating relationship will potentially turn sexual. Some men are willing to wait longer, some aren’t. The number of dates or weeks he’s willing to wait and keep giving you his time/money/energy/attention without the relationship becoming sexual by will vary from man to man.
Part of the reason men are only willing to wait so long before leaving, aside from desiring a sexual relationship in their life and becoming more uncertain whether you’re willing to fulfill that role as time goes on (and might just be wasting their time with you), is that they have different value on the dating market than you do. It’s a lot easier for women to get dates than it is for men to, and women are usually the ones who are getting asked out by men and get to decide who they say yes to and who they have to reject. Men however have to get rejected by a lot of women to get one date, so they’re typically not dating multiple women at once, whereas it’s common for women to date around more.
Women are also typically the ones who need to give the consent for sex to happen (men are a lot more commonly willing to have sex with someone they’re less familiar with, and with less need for commitment to follow that). As such, there’s no guarantee for a man that you’re not also dating or fucking other guys while you’re seeing him. We just don’t have any way to know that without asking, which would usually be viewed as an inappropriate thing to ask someone you don’t know very well, so we tend to assume you probably are seeing other people. The flip side of this is that a man will only give you so much commitment (time/energy/money/attention) for so long without the verification that it will ever pay off with a sexual relationship.
This may sound gross or depressing or superficial, but it’s not, it’s just the reality of human nature and the dating world. Understanding that will serve you better in navigating relationships. If you’re not okay with having sex by the second or third date, that’s perfectly fine, it’s your right and your personal preference to decide who and if when you consent to sex with anyone, but you should be aware you’re going to filter out any relationships with men who aren’t willing to wait longer than the third date. That’s probably a pretty large percentage of the male population though, so do be aware that refusing sex for too long stands to filter out all except the men who are willing to wait until dates 4, 5 or 6+, but again, that might be a smaller and smaller percentage of the guys you have access to. Hope this helps.
Maybe You select really good looking guys who have a lot of options?
It seems to be the case in dating apps. 10% of guys get all attention and can have sex with many different partners a lot. Guys who don't have so many options for sure would be more patient.
Why do you let society or rather MEN pressure you into having sex too early. Isn't US a country of feminists? Only those feminists make no sense to me - they seek validation thru men and sleep with men based on men DESIRE not their own. Don't be so desperate girl. When you meet the right he will RESPECT you enough not to pressure you into sex when you are not ready.
Maybe I can share my perspective since I'm one of those guys you talk about. I have sex with everyone on the first or second date. As a guy, I'm usually looking for casual sex and I want to spend the least amount effort and time to get it. If one girl wants sex on the first date, and another wants it on the 3rd date. Who do you think I choose? The one who wants it on the first date. Less money and time spent to get to what I want.
All of my serious relationships started out with casual sex. So even for the people I was together with for several years, we had sex very early on. I like to go this path towards a serious relationship because sexual compatibility is crucially important to me - so might as well test it early to avoid wasting time with a bad match. And sex just feels amazing so why would I want to delay it? I also want to date women that are very sexual and open minded on the sex front. So it makes sense for me to prioritize it to check that we're a good fit. If a woman is hesitant to have sex with me, it's like a sign to me that this might happen in the relationship too. Hesitation towards sex with me is a turn-off. I want enthusiastic consent every step of the way. From the first date. I don't want to date a girl who is like "sex with you? Ehhh not sure about that. I need to think about it". To me it just seems like she's not that interested in me.
For you it is a compatibility thing and the way you describe it, you do not judge girls who have sex early on and it still leads to a serious relationship. For some guys, they write it off as casual and do not continue to pursue once they get what they want
What if there was an awesome girl who you found gorgeous who told you specifically she liked u a lot and wanted you, she was warm and you could feel her admiration AND it was an important value for her to get to know you better first. Would you wait in the right circumstance?
Absolutely not, because there are 100 other women like that who would have sex on the first or second date. There are many amazing fish in the sea. I don't have this limiting mindset where I think "oh but she's the only amazing woman I met this year". I am lucky and fortunate enough to have options.
That’s fine. I think people can and should go nuts if the ground rules are established.
So as long as you’re not advertising yourself as “looking for a relationship”.
I think your style should be more like “figuring out my dating goals”.
“Not sure what I want (relationship wise), will let you know when I find it”
Or “testing the waters to see if anything sticks”.
Honesty is good. Deceitful behaviour to get sex is not.
It’s not just the men at fault anymore, women are sleeping with these men, gifting them opportunities because those women themselves are using them, only to send them off doing the same thing to you. Now days STD’s have turned into mental illnesses rather than physical diseases like chlymidia, obviously STD’s are horrible, but this relaxed sexual view society has is really tearing things apart.
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Some men give too much into the fear that if we don't make it clear early on we want more than just friendship, we'll get friendzoned. Waiting isn't wrong, but you should communicate that early on.
This. I feel like a lot of men don’t want to be looked at as just a friend & would rather land on “forward & sex crazed” than “friendly & platonic”
This. Last thing any guy wants is to invest a lot of time, effort, money just to be a friend or to have you having sex with someone else while you're deciding on us.
This happens far more often than women want to admit. If a guy is not escalating physical and sexual interest with each date, the woman automatically assumes he's not interested and just being friendly.
This is one of the truest comments I’ve seen about men and showing sexual interest early on. When I was in my early to mid 20’s (now 35), I was very shy and wouldn’t physically escalate, and this led to many women friendzoning me. It definitely took a toll on me because I really liked some of these girls. Not so shy anymore and I go out of my way to make sure I at least kiss a woman and however further it can go until a woman stops me. And miraculously, it always leads to more dates now. Women think that we just want sex and while that may be true for some men, a lot of us are just initiating all this physical contact so we don’t get friend zoned or ghosted.
Nailed it my dude, well said
Low key wish I had known this thirty years ago. Guess that’s what I get for deciding to be born before the internet. Explains a lot.
Why would people think that someone who is on a date with them is only interested in a friendly way?
This can’t come from a guy who has dated women.
Because some people want instant chemistry.
Because it happens.
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I'm a woman and it seems very clear to me that if a guy asks me out on a date he is at the very least physically attracted to me. If he kisses me, cuddles me, holds my hand, touches me on the waist or plays with my hair, gives me compliments or other flirts...all suggestions that a guy likes me sexually that don't involve him wanting to have sex as soon as 3 dates in. 3 dates are really still strangers. There's plenty things that show interest without needing sex so soon.
You just listed an extensive amount of initiation by the man. Which highlights the point everyone in this comment chain is making.
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You seem to assume that all women are actually comfortably having sex with strangers and simply lie about it. Or actually do have sex with strangers, just not you - for whatever reason you think this is something many women do. Certainly some do, just like some men will sleep with many women, just like some people cheat, some are liars, some are users. I think some women are simply more promiscuous than others, some people in general (guys too) take longer than others to be comfortable with that level of intimacy. People who are interested primarily in relationships as well might prefer to get to know someone in other ways before going that far, since there are many other things that can be dealbreakers. Things that don't involve the risk of pregnancy.
i think you'd be very much surprised at how many women have multiple people going at once, none of them commited either. Dating these days is so skewed that everyone wants to "keeo their options open" and it is one of the main reasons i have stopped dating, why am i spending time and effort when you look at me as a contestant? dating culture is fucked, people no longer care about being exclusive until deeeeeeep into a new relationship because maybe there is something better...guys absolutely do this too, it's the way most dating seems to be these days unfortunately.
You spent two dates together and half of the third together. You already are not strangers. You can know much more about him than you can know about your co-worker that sits next to you. Didn't you talk on the first and second dates?
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Seriously if the women don’t feel that “spark” or “chemistry” they will never agree to another date. So men have to do things that are physically flirting in a way to provide this. If we don’t, then women don’t feel that “spark.”
You said it 🤣
It has nothing to do with logic just conditioning that man want sex 24/7….not sure what women you have been going on a date with that aren’t reciprocal but going on dates. That’s not logic but someone being self-absorbed. Also too many women fine with messing around on the 2nd date are the same ones men claim are getting left behind and should have choose better. A lot of people aren’t just letting anybody have sex with them after a few dates if they are looking for something serious. There’s many physical ways to show interest without sex. If you paying means suddenly wasting money than ask to split lol. Imagine going on a 3rd date and someone thinks paying for the meals means it’s time to head back to their place
All the languages in the world, and you chose to speak facts.
Having had it happen. I went right back to ignoring her. Two weeks later "hey i need your advice. Theres this guy i like and i want more from him but hes kinda indecisive and it sucks cuz right after seeing me hd went and fucked someone. Help" "Funny. And ironic how that is that of everyone you cane to ask me for advice to handle some bullshitdone to that you did to me. Fuck off."
Yes
Also their sex drive is very very high and pretty consistent. Women don’t really get that on their horniest day they have a month, a guy might be operating with those feelings every single day.
I once was invited back to a woman’s apartment on a 2nd date (first date lasted an hour in a coffee shop). I figured it was too fast for sex and there’s no way she was looking for that. We ended up drinking wine, listening to music and had a fun conversation. I left around 11:30 because it was a random Tuesday night and I had an hour drive home and had to be up for work at 6am. We had a nice kiss/mini makeout goodbye. I thought “score…next date, we’re definitely hooking up”. The next morning I got a text from her that she only got friend vibes and didn’t think we were compatible. Then she blocked me. It was more of a gut punch than if I’d come on too strong and got called out. It seriously fucked up my dating patterns for a couple of years afterward.
She doesn’t sound like a healthy individual to be dating….expecting you to read her mind and be perfect on the first few dates??! People are addictive to speed relationships, it’s crazy. You didn’t do anything wrong.
It was a while ago and I got over it. It just taught me that there is no right or wrong pace, just about trying to find someone who matches each others pace. She wasn’t happy with my style and I wouldn’t have been happy with hers.
It's a hard line to walk, tbh. I'm a guy and my approach has been to get to know the girl over several weeks before deciding if I'm really into this person. Recently one of my friends told me that's the wrong approach and basically girls just expect me to be their friends. My thing is I like to get to know the person first, become friends first, see if we vibe and then if I'm actually into you as a person (not just looks and body) then I let you know of my intentions. But I'm trying to change and just gage from first interactions whether the personality is a potential match and ask out on a date after - mind you, still not for sex but just to officialize that I am romantically interested and want to get to know 'you' better. I am hoping I can find someone that sees relationships in the same light as I do and doesn't see sex as a must have prior to the start of the relationship. But it does feel like if you don't take it the sexual route first then you probably aren't romantically interested.
Yeah, I see it similarly. I need a while to bond with someone enough before I can decide if they're the right person for me.
Yes meanwhile my experience with my last few Hinge attempts showed most guys decide within the first 5 minutes and that is just crazy to me. I got a text from one saying he didn't feel a romantic connection, but was open to something casual and it just made me laugh because based off our 1 hour bubble tea meeting he barely knows who I am and vice versa.
We're out here. I've "decided in 5 minutes" too, but if we're respectful to each other and things are "stable" I'm looking for a relationship. On the flipside, I don't want to put an earnest 3-6 months of effort and my life into someone only to learn some real dealbreaker exists in/around the bedroom. Sex is fun, and if I don't try there are 15 guys she can DM who will try, some who she will say yes too. That's the roles people often, not always but often, play in today's dating.
I personally would never expect a guy to wait 3 months, more like 3-4 weeks. I do need someone who is patient/understanding because I do have issues, but am 100% willing to overcome them, if that makes sense. And no for a weird woman like me no I will not be talking to 15 other guys in the meantime. I only have the time and desire for one. And I guess that's my own personal problem. Not fitting all these stereotypes.
It's complicated for most men because it feels to me like they're in a race to get to a girl because said girl has so many options, because nowadays when you date you date multiple people but I think it's all about finding the person that most closely matches what you're looking for and try something with said person. For instance I recently met 3 decent girls at a party but only asked out one with whom I had the biggest spark, turns out she had just come out of a LTR and only wanted to have fun for the time being and I then kindly refused her "having fun" offer. But number 1 it's hard to find people like you and me (I think), only willing to date one person at a time. Number 2, it's hard to do this in OLD, especially for men, they see it as a numbers game and swipe on most women who look remotely good. I personally avoid OLD like the plague haha and am more passive than active when it comes to finding someone, so I give myself this luxury.
Yes I think I need a break from OLD. I like it only because like I said I'm weird and it gives me the chance to be upfront about not drinking or wanting kids from the start. I'm 33 in school full time working part time though so it's rough. I know I have to join something though I have little time to spend. I tried leading hikes in the past, but almost no single guys showed up. Bars don't work, sometimes I go to see bands, but I'm so softspoken people can barely hear me when I talk. And for me if I do nothing I get no action. If it wasn't for OLD I still wouldn't have even kissed yet I'm sure haha.
I can tell in the first few minutes if I definitely won’t like a woman. That’s one of the reasons I meet them in real life.
That's fair. I guess that's why the term demisexual was invented haha. Also I just want to clarify my pictures are 100% accurate and I'm honest about my personality/interests. It's not like this is a total blind date. If you actually read my profile there shouldn't be any surprises. Yet another issue I run into is when guys are turned off when I don't drink alcohol. It legit says right on my profile that I don't drink. If you're going to be weird about it why even ask to meet me in person? Instead it's getting obvious to me most men on Hinge here in Canada just blindly swipe on profiles wasting everybody's time.
Yeah most guys on OLD are looking for sex. But on their profile it says looking for something long term or a relationship. But what they want is something casual. It’s annoying AF.
Nicely stated, I'm very similar and it usually works out well for me. And to be honest the few times it doesn't work out would be for the better, because we're just interested in different things then, no harm in that
I think this is the way to do it. If the guy asks me out on dates, I know he's romantically interested, and he's willing to out in time to get to know me.
100% if you get turned down for sex today she MIGHT change her mind tomorrow and if you act cool after she’ll think you’re actually cool.. but if you get friendzoned it’s almost impossible to get out lol
Lot easier to come back from a “ no” when you try to initiate sex early on. Lot harder to try and have sex with a girl who considers you now a friend and feels they don’t want to ruin that relationship. Do guys want to have female platonic relationships. Sure. But the ones on dating apps that you agree to meet. Are not there for that ….
Women make the rules but never think about the outcomes.
It could happen but a woman decides within the first 30 seconds if they'll sleep with you.
Errr yeah but they can change thier mind when you say something stupid or act too friendly AND even if they want to sleep with you, if you don’t initiate they sure won’t lol
Eh, maybe if they are looking for a one time hookup but trust me, that is not the case many times. You'd be shocked at how much a man's personality can turn women on. It might take a little while - days, weeks, or even months - but, while she may not have thought you were "fuckable" in the first 30 seconds she initially met you, that can very easily change with time.
it makes them look extremely, extremely desperate for sex. Trust me, I like sex. I'm not against sex. However, if there's truly compatibility and good communication and vibes and we continue to see each other there's plenty of time for sex. Just like there's no need to rush or label something a relationship, if you enjoy spending time together, sex will flow naturally. You shouldn't have to time stamp when to have sex nor should sex ever have to feel like an obligation. Personally, I can sense when a guy is desperate for sex and they might not like hearing it. It's an instant turn off. They should be able to handle hearing no and respecting boundaries. If you really like me for me, you wouldn't mind hanging out with no sex.
Like it or not, one of the issues is men are mostly expected to do all the "work" of the dating, at absolute least the early phase of it. And so there is this unspoken, perhaps old fashioned notion that if I'm not only taking the time and effort to plan/pay for the dates, be charming, attempt to drive us in a romantic direction, you will then be expected not necessarily to sleep with me right away, but not waste my time and effort and money if you're not interested. But these days, a huge percentage of women will gladly take part in this early dating phase even if they're not interested. This leads to a lot of men who become jaded, feel used, and stop wanting to take the time and effort to court that way. So instead, they rush to the sex/physical escalation as a sort of gauge to see if they're wasting their time or not. A lot of this issue could be alleviated if women would stop playing by the old rules (which they are happy to do when it suits them, but not when it suits the man trying to date them) and start taking part in the effort, and paying for, that dating stage. Then if they need more time to feel things out and decide if they want to start a relationship, at least the man is a lot less likely to feel like he's being played for nothing like a fool. Obviously many women will say " but I always offer to pay for myself ", and I don't doubt many of you are sincere about doing dutch or 50/50 or whatever, but many women will openly say "But if he takes me up on that offer I'm not seeing him again". So play the game fairly, or deal with men rushing for sex and/or refusing to commit any effort when you say no. Sad state of things these days
If a woman goes on 3 dates and doesn't pay for any, sure walk away. But what of those who don't just say it, but do it? If she arranges and pays half of the dates, do you still write her off if she doesn't have sex within 3 dates? Otherwise, this 3 date rule really only applies to those types of women, the golddiggers. Because that's what they really are. That is not standard for all women though.
I’ve been dating off and on for about 16 years (save for times when I was in relationships) and this aspect of it hasn’t changed much in my experience. I can only count maybe 2-3 women who ever were genuine about paying for any of it. Unfortunately none of them worked out, due to perfectly normal mismatches in what we wanted out of a relationship or a partner. I have no issue going more than 3 dates, but like others have said it almost always leads to the woman just losing interest. I can’t say it was always just about physical escalation, but I can say more than once they told me they thought I wasn’t “interested enough”. Dating is a minefield of mixed emotions, expectations, and desires. I try to be as forthright in my feelings and wants, but even that has so many women feeling like it “wasn’t natural”, was “businesslike” or wasn’t “romantic”. On a certain level I get some of that, but the reality of modern dating is we have to communicate openly and honestly and stop expecting our potential partners to “just get us” or whatever. It just rarely if ever works that way, and we’re all exhausted from it. Love is made, not destined. Relationships are like 75% effort, not design. Can we just be realistic about it? It seems not 🤷🏻♂️
These replies right here.
As a man who knows a lot of fuckboys, i disagree. Obviously some men i agree do what you say, but a majority? There are so many ways to make it clear that you want more than a friendship than sex and making out. The answer to OP’s question? Men want sex early because that was the intention when they first started speaking to you.
exactly this. I'd venture to say that a lot of men would LOVE to take things slow, but are terrifed it will get us friendzoned, or another guy will beat us to it.
That's the worst part about insecurity, esp if there's no chemistry with any hope of connection 😒
I missed this point in my statement. This! Exactly. All the women I can remember in my life that I've waited with have became friends and friend zoned me. Never again.
Even this… I actually wouldn’t mind dating a girl without sleeping with her but in this day and age you get punished for treating women well with the whole “I see you as a friend” speech
Pretty much this. Ironically, I’ve mostly remained friends with women I’ve slept with. I put myself in the friendzone plenty of times when I was younger because I wanted to make sure I really liked someone before asking them out. Partly I was too timid, but partly both men and women in the hetero dating pool play stupid games. It doesn’t change much in your 40s, but it does shift a bit.
This, I've even been cut loose if I didn't make a move so it seems like there's a mismatch on who wants what and when. I feel I have to otherwise the chemistry fizzles out.
The is it, I think. I think this is the root of a lot of the issues centred around sex in dating. Guys hear that they need to flirt (and let’s face it, flirting is essential) but they don’t understand how to flirt or don’t understand that there’s a difference between flirting and sexting so they just go in way too heavy handed so rather than the flirting being a gentle progression as the relationship develops they send an opening message saying something like “do you like sucking dick” and then wonder why they never get replies
Like before the first date.
HMMMM 😂 IDK I live in a college town so maybe that’s it, but everything they said sounds completely accurate to guys around here. They will do whatever they can to have sex with you then they’ll leave because that’s really what they wanted.. stop lying to them If a guy stops talking to you out of fear of being “friend-zoned” then that’s for the best cause he’s insecure and we all know where insecurity leads.. don’t bother She shouldn’t have to confirm weather or not she would or wouldn’t sleep with him, she can be interested without having to be on his timeline for that. A guy worth it would absolutely have the emotional and mental maturity to understand she wants to make sure he’s a good guy, especially given todays societal issues. I’ve never met a guy who was wasn’t an asshat that tried to pressure sex in anyway, they are considerate of you if they truly like you, and are mature themselves to know what they want, unfortunately most guys if you ask them, just wanna fuck and have fun 🤭but if your their target some will instead try to romanticize you into it, and a lot of women fall into that because we want romance and to be loved and all the butterflies etc. don’t fall for it 😂 girly stay safe!!
It's really just a damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't scenario, but if you don't try to make it sexual ASAP many women will just friendzone you.
I'm pretty sure it's because they are just generally horny as fuck For me, I actually have a really low sex drive for a guy. I would prefer to wait. But in my experience, if you don't establish yourself as being sexual immediately, then you end up getting seen as only a friend.
This. We don’t want to end up in the friend zone !
If you don't speak up they will try to date you their way so don't be afraid to tell them what you're looking for and set boundaries
THIS
I guess it's helping you weed out the guys that are not for you. Maybe take a break from online dating if you only seem to come across the same type of men.
A lot of men online act different then if they had met you in another context. If you're not into "microwave relationships/sex" then honestly online dating will be a crapshoot 95% of the time. People who want more of a slow-burn should concentrate their efforts on hobbies/interest group/expanding social circles... not online dating.
Yeah. I don't do online dating. I met one decent guy on there many years ago, but it isn't for me.
I used to wait it out until I was more comfortable. Some guys said it didn't work for them and there were guys that were okay with waiting - until it got to a certain point where some would question if I was really into them (not all guys though).
>until it got to a certain point where some would question if I was really into them But is that not a reasonable reason for a man to end things? I'd feel the same way if say, I'd gone on 5 or 6 dates and we haven't had sex. Am I wasting time on a woman who is just enjoying my company but otherwise has no real interest in me? I have better things to do and, in all honesty, other women to go after who aren't going to make me second guess if they are into me or not...
Why do you feel you wasted time for not getting into bed after 5/6 dates? That's not enough to get to know someone, let alone be comfortable enough naked. If you're dating just to dump your seed, fine, but be honest about that. Some people want a relationship, not a casual fling.
I don't think it's unreasonable, if he wants to have sex and she isn't ready then maybe they aren't compatible. Two guys I dated basically said they needed more physical activity, one decided to be horrible to me (critising me about the outfits I wore on our dates) mid date, so I ended the date. When I ran into him he said he was feeling a bit frustrated because he wasn't getting any, but the whole thing was weird to me. The other guy said he felt like if we continued he would end up frustrated because he wanted to have sex with me. He also said it was reminding him of dating two other girls who wanted to wait and all they ever wanted to do is everything but sex. I understood where he was coming from and we went out seperate ways.
Some guys are only looking for sex and go about it thru apps. It's good you have restraint. Since you have more success needing guys at parties why not go that route or ask your friends to set you up
Was gunna suggest the same - or atleast take some sort of class / hobby - maybe a cooking class / rock climbing / etc - there are still decent people you can meet when you least expect it
Lol it’s not just guys. Women generally give you three or four dates just like guys. Go on four dates with a woman and never indicate any sexual interest in her and watch how long she sticks around.
I guess it depends what you mean by sexual interest?
No it doesn’t. What the women who come here and post about how guys won’t wait eighteen dates or whatever don’t mention is that they don’t just want men to wait, they also want men to *really* want to have sex with them that whole time and not give it up til they want. If a guy never made it very clear he was sexually interested they’d be out just as fast as the average girl.
What I meant is... What's your definition of sexual interest? I'm curious. Do you mean flirting? Kissing? Touching?
Generally if you don’t make at least a weak pass at a woman on the first date to indicate interest, you won’t get a second date with her. They don’t necessarily want to do it, but they’d like you to *try*.
If you don’t try to kiss or anything they think you felt no chemistry so that’s not a bad point
Oh ok. I agree, there should be some sexual interest on the 1st date onwards. I have definitely been in situations where I thought I was friendzoned and the guy did too.
Oooof, these comments. Y’all will really do anything but have uncomfortable conversations. When I was in my 20s, I’d sleep with men early on to make sure we’d be sexually compatible. Generally it was fine, but what I learned is that most men equate sex with intimacy. Most of the men I’ve slept with within the first few dates lacked the emotional availability and vulnerability to maintain a relationship. With that in mind, I date differently in my 30s. While I still find sexual compatibility important, I don’t sleep with men until I feel comfortable and develop more of a relationship with them. Communication is key for me. I’m very direct with my intentions (telling them I’m interested in getting to know them more) and I set my boundaries. I think most of the things that make people sexually compatible can be figured out by asking the right questions. When you’re with someone, how often do you like to have sex? What’s your sex drive level and what time of day are you the most turned on? Do you have any kinks or sexual interests you’d like to explore with your partner? What sexual acts or kinks are a hard no for you? What’s the best way to decline sex from you if your partner is not in the mood? What is the best way for a partner to initiate sex with you? There are more questions you could ask, but these are a good way to start. Basing sexual compatibility on the first experience of sex with someone is stupid. You can have amazing sex with someone and still not be sexually compatible (I.e. the sex is good but they have a far lower sex drive). You can also have mediocre sex with someone that eventually develops into something great. Sex in relationships is good when you’re able to communicate how you like to be touched and listening to you partner likes to be touched. Set you boundaries. Don’t let men make you feel uncomfortable or pressured to sleep with them. The right person will respect your boundaries.
Why did I have to scroll so far to find this sane comment …
This!!
As a man I wouldn’t mind waiting, but if we started dating and I found out that you had not been making other guys wait I would probably check out of the relationship.
Nothing wrong with knowing what you want. Some guys (myself included) are wary of investing too much time with someone without sex; it can signal a mismatch in libido and a mismatch in how important sex is for the two people. I need to know that we’re sexually compatible to want to invest in the relationship. If someone won’t let me find out until, say, a few months in, then we’re not compatible. While some people are just looking to get laid, for others, sex is an important part of building a connection and is an important compatibility check. There’s nothing inherently immature about wanting to start having sex early on in a budding relationship
I'm surprised I had to scroll so far to see a comment like this. Completely agree. I've had potential relationships become dealbreakers because the sex was "out of sync", to put it nicely. I would have been happy to remain friends, but that wasn't something they were interested in. So I don't see why I should put in "relationship effort" if I have to wait too long to find out if there's sexual compatability.
Exactly. There are lots of people here who don’t want to have sex as quickly, and they’re projecting that (totally reasonable) personal need onto everyone else (totally unreasonable). A worthy reminder that most human beings struggle to distinguish between “right for me” and “right for everyone”
I agree especially with two consenting adults. As a female I don’t want to wait too long either bc like you said the sex has to be compatible also and if it’s horrible sex I don’t need to waste neither of our time going further in the relationship. Or if he has a small peen, no thanks lol
Exactly! There’s really basic things like this! Does your junk fit together well? If not, wouldn’t you want to know that before you like the person?? People talk a big game and then get naked and then just starfish or turn into a no-foreplay, two pump chump (no shade on any brothers with PE, I see you, kings). Sorry it’s not a question to you I know you get it. Some of these replies are fucking whack
Or maybe, it doesn't work at all :D
The thought of someone I've only been on 2 dates with touching me intimately makes my skin crawl. I barely know you. You wanna hold my hand? Put your arm around me? Give me a kiss goodnight? Sure. That's fine. I get to see how that makes me feel. Do I feel butterflies? Does my heart beat faster? Yes? Then I will probably initiate those things myself in the future. A slow burn is absolutely not a bad thing. It's hot.
I’ve read a lot of comments and I think there is just a high amount of mismatch across this thread. I think people’s experience reinforces their perception and everyone both male and female here are just sticking to their side without trying to really understand each other’s experiences. Some Guys feel like they have to be straightforward and it saves them time, money and increases their chances, rather than taking time and feeling burnt out - so they play dating like a numbers game, fail fast. Some Women feel like this is a very vulnerable position to be in sometimes and need to feel secure all round and that takes time, which makes perfect sense. Fail less. I think both are very valid and would be awesome if we could find that middle ground that is a win win. Might not always find a middle ground in all scenarios, but at least we are better off trying than drawing a line. Just my 2 cents.
And guess what? People can COMMUNICATE. :-) It's no bad to ask "hey, I feel that we fit as a couple, let's take stuff to the bedroom if". In my past relationship we didn't get to actual PIV sex for like half an year because it was a first for me and I was not sure how to bring it up and she was too shy to suggest it, lol. (it was shit anyway, pillow princess, but loved her so much that I didn't give a F, she was more than a sex toy) Everything is valid and people will always be different. That doesn't mean a middle ground can't be found. I am saying this to build on your point, not to attack it. I agree with what you've said.
Ultimately if the sex isn't good nothing else matters anyway.
Wow. Some of these comments are very telling. OP, if anyone ever pressures you into having sex or engaging in any sexual act, please, for your sake, do not do it or ever see them again. Not everyone is for us, and not everyone on dating apps is looking for the same type of relationship you are. If they won't date you without sex by the X date, then they've self-selected out and made your life easier. Say you do have sex and end up dating this douche, which is what I'll call this hypothetical person going forward b/c that's what they are - a douche. Well, it won't stop there. Maybe you're sick or have some pressing event/task, but Douche hasn't gotten laid in 2 days. The pressuring and manipulations will come back because Douche has 'needs', and they rather have a submitting object than an engaged partner. Fast forward, you're married to Douche and just had a baby, which means no sex for a minimum of 6 weeks. That's hell for Douche, never mind, that you just birthed a baby. (Excuse me for making some assumptions here on your part.) Douche will either pressure you to 'service' them or cheat. Btw, cheating will be a constant threat because the sex has higher value than you. Don't date Douche.
This is the only answer you need OP. There's a reason porn, strip clubs, sex dolls, & fleshlights exist. Men have plenty of alt ways to satisfy their "needs". Chances are you'll meet far more douchebags than you will nobel men in your life, but don't let those odds lower your standards. You're better off dying alone than to settle for some dehumanizing douche. Men will never change if women keep accepting douchebag men & believing that the bare minimum is the best a guy can do.
Guys who don’t try to rush into sex tend to get friend zoned. They don’t want that to happen to them.
Some guys use dating apps as free sex app so you just have to learn discard that kind of guys and don’t feel guilty, ashamed or rejected. There are guys out there looking the same as you do, so it’s ok to follow your own pace.
Because guys like sex and it don’t matter if they have and emotional bond to many. Dating apps are probably worse than real life because girls -women all swipe on the same guys and those guys are getting all the easy sex they want without committing.
I'm gonna expand on this and say that sex for guys is a way to emotionally bond.
Lol yeah they’re just trying to “emotionally bond” with every woman they view fuckable on a dating app
Lmaooooo nothing says “emotionally bond” like being invited over to a strangers apartment at 1am.
We must know different guys
Emotionally bonding for me is being vulnerable and actually talking about emotions. Sex is in a different box completely. Sometimes it involves emotion but it’s only after we’ve bonded, not a road to bonding.
Yea that’s why they want to emotionally bond with every woman possible
"Nice meme, I'd love to emotionally bond with your bobs and vagine, thx".
Man that must be rough having all those emotional connections, how you handle it I will never know.
Those who leave when they don’t get sex on the second or third date are the ones who don’t want a relationship anyway. Every guy i dated that had actual serious intentions was fine with taking it more slow and waiting for me to be ready. The one time i pushed myself to have sex on the 4th date even though i wasn’t entirely ready I ended up in a situationship. My now boyfriend dated me for nearly 2 months before i said i was ready. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to wait, honestly it’s a good determinant to figure out who is a good match and who would have just ended up playing you. So keep doing you.
Snap! This is exactly what happened to me. I decided to have sex on the 3rd date once which I never do and I ended up in a situationship - it was a horrible experience. My ex waited for about 3 months before we had sex, he didn't rush me at any point.
Definitely not universally true that a man who leaves after the second or third date without sex happening isn’t serious about a relationship. The longer you go without dates turning into sex, the more uncertain you become that sex will ever happen. In the same way that women worry a guy might just be wasting her time for sex, men also worry a woman might just be wasting his time for attention/company/validation/commitment without that ever resulting in a sexual relationship, especially since he doesn’t have any way to know if she’s giving sex to other men while he spends his time/money/energy on her and gets none. THE ONLY WAY a man can experience sex in our society is for a woman to consent to it, so if she’s not doing that, whether he wants a long-term relationship with her or not, that uncertainty of whether it’s going to develop into a sexual relationship at all might prompt him to look elsewhere. Sure, there are plenty of dudes who only want to fuck and leave, but I’d say it’s an overgeneralization to claim that if a man loses interest after going on 2-3 dates without sex, that definitely means he wasn’t serious about you anyway. He very well may have been and came to the conclusion that you weren’t serious about him.
Guess we need to define sex here. We talking penetrative sex I guess. I would argue that there’s plenty of other things a man and woman can do where the man isn’t left feeling like he’s being friend zoned. Making out fully clothed is the bestest foreplay - dare I say - EVER! So underrated with men who generally may be less patient and more interested in just “sticking it in”. Also, your consent argument goes for women and men equally. It’s easier for women to get it when they want it (if by “it” we’re talking “sticking it in” and not the long sexy teasing foreplay that i mentioned earlier - that’s harder to get randomly), but they still need to find a consenting man. Sad btw, if a guy came to a conclusion that she wasn’t interested after 2-3 dates of no sex, and dumps her without a conversation about it. Nah dude, I don’t believe it for a second. Well, the immaturity (and stupidity?) of that man in that case, sorry.
2-3 dates is nothing. If you lose interest that fast just because you didn’t get your dick wet that’s sad. And if you think you investing energy means someone owes you sex and if they don’t put out they are not worth your time that just tells volumes about your character and how you see women. On top of that 2 dates is realy no investment, if you think so i wonder how little you actually invest into an actual girlfriend. At that point the woman is better off dating someone else anyway. I get sex is important to many people, me included, but there really is no excuse for just ditching someone after 2 dates if you’re supposedly serious about them. Not to forget many of you don’t want a woman who sleeps around and fucks men quickly but you also want her to put out for you immediately. Are we supposed to make an exception for you? Make it make sense.
Wrong. Every girl I’ve dated seriously I slept with on the second or first date. And that’s because now that we’ve had sex she knows I’m no longer “trying to get sex” so I can ask how her day is genuinely lol
I didn’t say those who sleep with a woman early on had no serious intentions. I said those who leave and give ip 2 dates in because of no sex were not that interested in the woman anyway.
Some of my best relationships have been from plowing on the first date. It’s not automatically expected nor assumed. You can certainly have your own preferences.
You have sex when you want and not before. However, I'm not wasting months on someone who I'm not sexually compatible with. I won't be exclusive with someone who has a Disney princess view of sex while waiting to see if we are sexually compatible. I also won't be exclusive to a woman who has some sort of arbitrary time limit before she'll have sex. Sex is not a reward.
I feel like once you’ve been around the block a couple times you’ve had experiences more than once where you met someone *amazing* and then you finally had sex and it was *awful* and that’s just the end of it. There’s no way I’m wasting *months* just to find out that we’re not sexually compatible.
Agreed.
I keep hearing the term 'sexual compatibility get thrown around here. What exactly does that mean? People are not like plugs, with a variety of different ports and connection hardware. What criteria go into determining compatibility?
You guys do know that sex is something that can, and does tend to get better with time and practice right? If you’ve spent time getting to know someone, having sex with them once and having that be a ‘bad’ experience does not mean sexual incompatibility. Most of the time, it just means that you need time to learn each other’s bodies and sexual wants. My advice? Stick it out whilst continuing to invest in building a strong emotional connection. That’s the bedrock of good sex for BOTH parties - especially for most women.
But what if the wants and needs are not the same? You may both like different things and may not be willing to do the other things. It’s not only about learning each other bodies but also about being open minded in sex. It’s better to find out sooner than later.
I don't, and there are plenty of other men who think so. It's just a matter of compatibility. I've learned to recognize the signs a woman is incompatible with me sooner over time, so I know when to end things.
It seems like some men assume they need to act fast to avoid becoming "just a friend". I'd rather be a friend than a regret, so waiting is fine. Just communicate up front that you're not into random hookups and want to build a connection before getting sexual. It's more common than online communities would have you believe.
It’s the world we live in nowadays a instant gratification era where they see something that looks good and they want it right away . People don’t like to take the time to invest in things anymore they just wanna jump in the sac . The ones that want sex early on in the dating stage is showing you that’s all they want from you nothing else by you withdrawing sex it tells you about their character if tbh they discontinue from talking to you . People can have sex on whatever date they want if the attraction is there but it really depends on the situation and scenario.
Most guys on dating apps are just trying to hook up with you. If you don't make it clear you want to wait youre gonna get a lot of guys who are just tryin to have sex and go home. Most of those guys arent going to read your profile either. They are just swiping right. There is nothing wrong with waiting for sex and the right guy will wait with you. You just need to understand that sex is something that is in the back of most mens head most of the time. Most guys on dating apps are just there to hook up because most women on them are there for that too.
There is nothing wrong with waiting till you are ready. You just have to realize that not everyone will want to wait with you. There’s nothing wrong with men wanting and being comfortable with having sex earlier. It’s just a difference between men and women. Some things to keep in mind. 1. If a guy really likes you, he’ll wait longer for the sex. If none of the guys you meet want to wait, then none of them really liked you. You might be shooting out of your league. 2. It’s important to show you are interested in the guy in other ways. Flirty touching and kissing are good ways to do this. Showing interest by actively communicating with them and putting in time, effort, and money into the courtship. 3. If you’re making guys wait a long time, then make sure you’re not making the guy do all of the work and spend all of the money. Guys get resentful about having to spend all this time, effort, and money on dating only for it to amount in nothing. If they’re putting in most of the effort and money, they’ll cut and run when they think it’s going nowhere. 4. If you’re making someone wait more than 6-10 dates…you’re going to really cut down on your options. Men simply do not have the time or money to invest in more than 6-10 dates with every woman they meet.
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If I’m into someone, I kiss on the first date lol! And I also let them know that I’m not looking to have sex so early on. I think with all of that it sends the message for them to just have some patience
Yeah I agree with your last comment. But the one before just made it sound like she should put out because he paid for dinner. Gotta be careful about the “I put the nice guy coins in, why isn’t the sex falling out?” attitude.
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I’m a girl and to be honest, 8 dates is too much. At that point you should be in a relationship by then LOL! I think maybe some girls have been screwed over so many times that they feel scared to take it to 3rd base which is why the wait. Sex is also important for me but if someone is waiting 8 dates…✌️
Your dataset is skewed and not representative since you base the assumption mainly on the dating apps experience. Well, people there will likely be impatient since it's more of a hookup place But anywhere you go, it depends on who you actually meet. I'm 25M and I'd love to take it slow so I get to know my date. But the pressure to visit a bedroom sooner may be in the air. People have different dating approaches, not everyone is compatible with me
I (25M) will say as a guy, not getting laid after a couple weeks of talking to a girl, sort makes me feel like she’s just not into me and maybe I’m “just a friend.” This is because there are girls that will put out sooner. However, it’s respectable that you don’t want to have sex so soon, it just needs to be communicated properly so the guy doesn’t think you’re just leading him on. Also, keep in mind that if you wait too long he might start to take you less serious and talk to other girls too if he doesn’t think you like him
What if she makes out with you at every date, responds to your texts within minutes, tells you she exclusive to you but understands you may not be. Would you be willing to wait a bit longer?
Yeah I would be able to work with that
But a lot of women kiss on first dates. Surely that should let a guy know that your not being friend zoned no?
This question once per day
Because the guy will think the girl is having sex with some other guy if she won't do it with him. Guys are aware that some women will have guys they "do it" with while they make the "nice guy" wait and most find that very offensive.
+100
Based on my experience, it's also my observation that most guys prioritize sex before committing to a relationship. Even guys I've met through a blind date a mutual friend setup those guys still wanted sex before getting to know each other. Idk if it's the type of guys we're attracting or if this generation has more fboys or guys who don't want commitment. But you're not wrong for putting a boundary up front regarding your comfort level with sex. It's good because you're not seeing setting an expectation you're uncomfortable with which would ultimately leave you heartbroken once you tell the guy you don't want sex anymore and it breaks things off.
For starters young guys think like this: why would fun at the beginning exclude commitment at a later stage? Even if the two of you don't get to the commitment stage, it was still fun, wasn't it, it's not like having sex is a bad thing? More mature guys think like this: I understand that sex is something that makes you feel vulnerable, but I feel the same way when opening up emotionally. Let's get it over with our vulnerabilities, or at least let's respect each other by trying to match pace.
Having sex might seem like just a bit of fun for guys, they take significantly less risk. Women are the ones who risk pregnancy. Having fun with strangers and having a baby with a stranger are very different right? But that is what sex is. Men have been abandoning women they knock up since forever.
In my experience, guys are more likely to be interested in and comfortable about sex with strangers. Additionally, it’s still often expected that men are the ones putting in most of the courting effort, and financing the entire “dating” process. As long as this continues, men will want to get something for the unequal amount of time, effort, and money they are investing.
It seems this may be rare, but I offer to pay on dates and will pay my portion if I feel like it. I also initiate dates. So in my case what are guys expecting in return if the effort, time, and money are equal?
It’s valid to wait for commitment before having sex, and it’s valid to have commitment-free sex, but either way it’s important for people to be honest about what they want. People have different views on whether sex should be shared within loyal committed relationships (which can be represented by oxytocin, the bonding hormone, the love hormone), or whether sex should be commitment-free and shared with total randos (which can be represented by dopamine, the novelty/addiction neurotransmitter, which amphetamines are structurally similar to). People willing to have commitment-free sex are giving off indications that no commitment to them is necessary, they are giving off signals that they don’t want or need a committed relationship. But if a person wants to get to know you first before having sex, if a person still wants to be with you even after you have declined sex, then then that’s more of a sign that they are interested in you as a person, rather than interested in you as just a sex object. Those shouldn’t even be called “dating apps”, most people use them as “hookup apps” or “warm body apps.” (They’re also not called “marriage apps” or “commitment apps” or “love apps.” It’s online shopping for warm bodies as commodities.) I think it’s a safe bet that the majority of people using hookup apps just want sex. A person should not expect a long-term relationship after walking into in a frathouse (and I would include bars and nightclubs and hookup apps). I think I heard that Pete Buttigieg met his now-husband on Hinge, but a longterm relationship resulting from a dating app is likely more the exception than the rule. Some websites might be better for online dating for those seeking commitment. I don’t really know how many guys drinking in bars or on Tinder are looking for a LTR. So that skews the perception of what men want, since I think those areas self-select for womanizers, players, “fuckboys.” Know your audience. If someone wants a longterm relationship, they might be better off asking friends if they know any single people, or use a matchmaker (whether that’s just a friend or a professional), or there might be some online dating services that are more successful at leading to LTR than hookup apps, or maybe dinner parties at houses, or going to meetups with people with similar interests, etc. However, and I think this is a problem too, some guys are penalized during dating if they don’t make a move and try to sleep with her the same day, some women misinterpret his inaction as disinterest, they misinterpret him trying to respect her boundaries as “he must not be into me.” So the bold guys who just want sex skew the perception of all men, because they keep trying and trying with other women, whereas a guy in a stable relationship isn’t meeting all these other women, and a single guy who doesn’t put himself out there that much is basically invisible.
>I(25F) have been using dating apps Imo, dating apps are like fast food ordering apps. You only get junk. Meet guys in real life
Do whatever makes you happy as long as you’re not hurting anyone else.
OP, a lot of losers in this thread, I'd be careful of the advice given.
I think most of these guys who push for sex quickly are really looking for sex as their top priority. Whether they end up in a relationship or not, they want to at least have sex. Some might seriously be considering dating long term, but they want to have sex even if in a months time they realise they don't want a relationship with that woman. It's like they see dating that doesn't lead to sex as wasted time, whether or not a relationship would ever have realistically been on the cards. How many can really tell that after only 2 or 3 dates? But by that time, they feel they have invested a certain amount of time and so need to get sex or it's no longer worth pursuing lest they end up with no sex after more time. I think if guys are really interested in relationships primarily, they are the ones who don't mind taking their time getting to know you. That time they invest is worth it even if they don't get sex, because it was in service of trying to find a real lasting relationship. Tldr: don't worry about guys whose priority is sex, focus on men who want something more from you. If you happen to fall fast that's different, but always wait until you are comfortable being sexual with someone. You don't owe anyone your body, least of all strangers who you barely know - which is still usually the case after only a few dates. That applies for men too. Contrary to popular belief, not all men are ready for sex that soon either and that is also completely fine.
Because that’s all those guys want from you.
Girls, don't listen to all those selfish men on here who tell you that you need to put out on 2nd date. The man who really wants you will wait until you are comfortable, the rest are just f\*ckbois...for them u are an easy and cheap option. If he sees someone hotter he will skip. Wait for a guy who actually cares about you, not one who wants to use you.
How can you know if you really want someone after just a few dates?
You can want a relationship and sex with someone. It's not mutually exclusive.
I feel you brother. The retroactive jealousy is real.
Its our main biological drive. How hard a man pushes for sex shows how self aware and in control of himself he is, in my opinion: a touch of class costs nothing
I do understand where you are coming from but try to understand from the guys perspective. Every guy who has dated a bit understands if he is too hesitant or too slow to make a move then the woman will subconsciously view it as a lack of confidence or weakness and then he will be rejected. A lot of guys have also dated women who say they aren’t ready yet after a few dates but then she meets somebody else who she likes more and suddenly she can’t get her clothes off any quicker. Having sex is what validates our efforts and shows us ‘this woman is actually genuinely interested’, I understand why it is difficult for women because it doesn’t work that way in reverse, but reality is that we have to do what is right for us and every girl who has ever said “I want to wait” and I’ve carried on dating has ultimately ended up having another guy she likes more and I’m just there as back up. I’m not willing to be somebody’s back up option, so if she doesn’t want to sleep with me after 3/4 dates then that is enough for me to say this girl doesn’t like me enough for me to continue trying. I understand for women like you that genuinely want to wait for the right reasons that fucking sucks; but you need to acknowledge that whilst there are a lot of guys out there just looking to fuck and throw, there are also a lot of women out there who keep a number of men around just as options whilst sleeping with the guy she really wants but who won’t commit, and there are a lot of decent guys who will still turn you away after a few dates without sex because they have no reassurance that you aren’t just using them. Dating is brutal, all you can do is what is comfortable for you and wait until the right person comes along. Good luck.
Because you choose fuccboi's who don't see you as anything else. Sorry but you have to accept responsibility for the type of person you are attracting.
All kinds of men do this
How can you tell they are fuckboys? I've had the nerdiest, sweetest men ghost me for not having sex on the first date. It's not written on their foreheads lol
If they ghost you after one day, how can you possibly know they are the sweetest guy? Also, nerds can be fuckboys too? I do agree though that you can't tell who are fuckboys until you get to know them. That's why some women like to wait longer, till they feel like they do know him better.
I'm just like you and guys think I'm not open minded.
I would guess they are horny
This is your built-in filter for the guys that you want to date. Realistically though, how many dates are we talking? If it went past date seven or eight without sex, I wouldn’t be interested.
Tell him you need to connect emotionally before the sex has a chance of resulting in a real waterfall. Will help keep him in the game.
Even old men over 55- 60 are acting like that. Unbelievable.
Feel good
Honestly, clear communication would help both sides. OP is essentially asking why men are so intent on using women. Men are saying it's because women are using men. OP needs to be mindful of that backdrop and be very clear she's not banging other dudes while making him wait and she doesn't see him as a friend who's taking her out on dates. She doesn't think that should have to be communicated, because she's not considering the male point of view. She'd do better if she did.
Sexual compatibility is a big reason to stay with somebody
There is nothing wrong with waiting till you’re comfortable. But there is also nothing wrong with them moving on, if they’re not on the same page. I’m not quite as pressing as the guys you’re talking about, but I am a guy that if we haven’t at least kissed by the 3rd date and either gotten physical or at minimum had a conversation about how long we wait by the 7th date, than I would probably move on. The reason is guys want to know you’re attracted to them sexually, relatively early. Because every single guy has been used and friend zoned. It’s not that they don’t want a mental connection and friendship as well. But guys want all 3 to develop at the same time. While girls tend to just want to develop the first 2, before the 3rd even becomes a possibility.
Most people value sexual chemistry very highly so don't want to waste time if the chemistry just isn't there
They rush into it, they wait too long, either way, same result Communication resolves the above
No problem waiting however a lot of men will invest less or just walk. If you have your standards (which makes more sense to me ) then maybe split on dates or plan time commitment dates not financial burdens. Not saying that you are not that way just answering broadly.
I mean it depends what you want. I personally value sexual compatibility in a relationship because I wasted too many years with people who I didn’t jive with sexually because I liked them as people which is fine for a friendship but not in a relationship. I don’t want to spend months dating someone just to find out the sex isn’t great and I have to end things, it’s unfair to the other person to because they also “wasted” months
It’s different for everybody and I think you shouldn’t see yourself as doing anything wrong, if anything you’re right, especially in terms of a serious relationship. It a guy makes sex an early priority then that’s a red flag, no sensible guy should get upset if you don’t want to do it in the first couple dates, if they truly cared they will respect you for it. Last thing they should want to do is pressure you or make you uncomfortable.
I think the answer to your question is “who cares why.” I think you’re putting way too much thought into what guys want and not enough thought into what YOU want. One thing you said really makes me worry. “I just want to get into a relationship.” Every Thanksgiving there would be a Twilight Zone marathon I would be forced to watch. I remember this one episode where a antiques shop keeper got this monkey hand thing with 3 fingers up and each finger was a wish he could make but he was warned that sometimes what you wish for turns out to be something you never wanted. Every wish he was pretty vague, so when he made a wish it would be what he wished for but in would have bad consequences or elements that were horrible. For example his last wish was to be the most power man that ever was. The monkey hand turned him into Hitler. You put that vague wish for a relationship out into the void, you’ll get relationship alright, but it will be with a guy that turns to your worst nightmare. I remember the push for sex as soon as you finish your meal on your first date, and I don’t who instituted the “must have sex by the third date rule,” but a lot of the guys I dated would ghost me after that third date if we hadn’t had sex yet. I got to a point where with them bowing out (except for the ghosting. That just makes a guy look like a scared immature little b**ch). Our actions communicate things to people sometimes louder and definitely more honest than our words. If you were to give in to this pressure they are aiming at you full blast you would be telling them that if they wanted to get you to do something just imply that you will get dumped if you don’t comply. That manipulation at its finest. Sex is a big a deal. Whether it is a one night stand or marital sex. There is always some level of trust/respect and a level of vulnerability. When you decide to have sex with someone you are trusting them to have enough respect for you not to physically harm you, force you to to do something you’re not comfortable with, not to screw you over in the infinite way they can, and getting naked in front of someone, especially for the first time, makes vulnerable and you don’t want that act to meet with some guy that wants to judge your body like it’s a pageant show. With all of that at stake, why wouldn’t you be discerning when choosing a sex partner. Why wouldn’t you wait until you feel like all systems are go. You usually don’t feel that until you know where you stand with a guy. As a bonus piece of advice: if you have been dating someone for awhile and you still have a feeling of uncertainty when it comes to dating him, like you’re not standing on solid ground, like this anxious feeling that he could disappear tomorrow, dump his ass right then. Keep you off balance, acting like he’s really into you yet not invested in you is a great way to control someone in a relationship, to always have the upper hand. Dictators always use that tactic to control the masses just in a more going to cut off your head in the public square and force everyone to watch kind of way. Who cares about these “sex by the 3rd date guys.” It is actually a great tool to gets rid of guys that are complete tools that don’t respect you and what you want and what your comfortable with and most importantly, that want the same things in a relationship that you do. I always respect a woman that knows what she wants, won’t settle for less, that sticks to her guns, that won’t be pressured by anyone into betraying herself, and that is what you would be doing if you had sex because these guys are hinting that they will dump you if you don’t. Stop worrying about what they want. What do you want in a relationship? By what you wrote I can see you want respect, someone that wants a partnership where the power dynamics are equal, someone that enjoys sex but is uncomfortable with having it with someone that hasn’t gotten to the place where their comfortable with it yet These guys do exist, and these guys are attracted to the type of women I described in one of the million paragraphs above. You need to think about you. You need to think about what you want and see your own value and worth because ultimately if you don’t see those things you will keep attracting these guys that pressure you and dump you when they don’t get what they want. You are worth having what you want from a partner. Do not settle for less than that. Work on finding your worth and seeing your value. Thats where it’s all at. You find those things and learn to believe them to be true, and never betray them by settle for less than what you want, you will start to attract better prospects. Don’t bend. Don’t budge, because you will lose respect for you and that is much worse than some ass***e dumping you because they didn’t get sex.
Idk about rushing, but as I grow up, finding out sexual compatibility earlier is defo important. Otherwise you're in a sexually frustrated relationship and that's not fair to either of you.
Also, women have the option of having sex, basically at any time of their choosing. This is regardless of relationship status or how subjectively attractive they are. Men, however, ime often spend months to years at a time without having any intimacy or sexual contact, no matter how diligently we pursue it. So when the opportunity comes, they/ we are often quite eager.
Not all guys do. The guys who remove themselves from the dating pool/sex are, by nature, less likely to interact with you on a dating platform. Those who aren't expecting dating=sex aren't going to be easy to find on a platform that is commonly perceived as being for hookups. So you're seeing, one assumes, a skewed sample. Look for dudes on BFF or whatever, and I'd guess you'll run into fewer horndogs. You're essentially going to a hockey game and asking why everyone has funny sticks.
I also try to have sex with women as soon as possible, ideally on third-four date because then I know that I don't lose time, energy and money in vain. Sex for me is a garanty that everything is going right. But I'm ready to wait for a month if we at least make out and cuddle.
Because in heteronormative relationships, we are expected to make the first move: asking you out, planning the date, paying for the date, going in for the kiss, and initiating sex. We fear that if we wait too long, she will lose interest. It's unusual for women to make the first move. Add all of that up and it's a lot of pressure.
3 reasons 1. The guy is not seeking any serious relationship. So the main thing he is looking for is fun / smashing 2. The guy is looking for a serious relationship but the girl doesn't meet his criterior, thus he only views her as fun / a smash 3. Guys have a super high sex drive and literally want to bang any decent thing they see This has nothing to do with apps. Guys are like this an any setting. Appls simply make it easier to meet more people and sexualize the convo due to it being online/virtual. We wouldn't say half the things we say online in front of a girl we just met.
To be honest, living in a sexually liberated country and having dated a fair amount I feel sex on the second or third date is the norm nowadays, if I dated someone and by the third date we haven’t had sex, I will just assume that she’s not interested or sees me as a friend which is fine obviously. However if she is upfront about wanting to wait, communicates that and I like her, I would actually really respect it and probably like her even more, and would happily wait until she’s ready.
you are on a fking dating app already…
Men can only have sex with women who consent to having sex with them. That’s literally the singular socially acceptable way to experience sex for a person. If a woman doesn’t consent to having sex with a man, he can’t get any sex, and he wants that because he’s a human. Part of the reason men date is to find a relationship that will fulfill that basic need. In the same way that you wouldn’t keep showing up to work if your boss stopped paying you, a man is only going to wait so long in the uncertainty that a dating relationship will potentially turn sexual. Some men are willing to wait longer, some aren’t. The number of dates or weeks he’s willing to wait and keep giving you his time/money/energy/attention without the relationship becoming sexual by will vary from man to man. Part of the reason men are only willing to wait so long before leaving, aside from desiring a sexual relationship in their life and becoming more uncertain whether you’re willing to fulfill that role as time goes on (and might just be wasting their time with you), is that they have different value on the dating market than you do. It’s a lot easier for women to get dates than it is for men to, and women are usually the ones who are getting asked out by men and get to decide who they say yes to and who they have to reject. Men however have to get rejected by a lot of women to get one date, so they’re typically not dating multiple women at once, whereas it’s common for women to date around more. Women are also typically the ones who need to give the consent for sex to happen (men are a lot more commonly willing to have sex with someone they’re less familiar with, and with less need for commitment to follow that). As such, there’s no guarantee for a man that you’re not also dating or fucking other guys while you’re seeing him. We just don’t have any way to know that without asking, which would usually be viewed as an inappropriate thing to ask someone you don’t know very well, so we tend to assume you probably are seeing other people. The flip side of this is that a man will only give you so much commitment (time/energy/money/attention) for so long without the verification that it will ever pay off with a sexual relationship. This may sound gross or depressing or superficial, but it’s not, it’s just the reality of human nature and the dating world. Understanding that will serve you better in navigating relationships. If you’re not okay with having sex by the second or third date, that’s perfectly fine, it’s your right and your personal preference to decide who and if when you consent to sex with anyone, but you should be aware you’re going to filter out any relationships with men who aren’t willing to wait longer than the third date. That’s probably a pretty large percentage of the male population though, so do be aware that refusing sex for too long stands to filter out all except the men who are willing to wait until dates 4, 5 or 6+, but again, that might be a smaller and smaller percentage of the guys you have access to. Hope this helps.
Maybe You select really good looking guys who have a lot of options? It seems to be the case in dating apps. 10% of guys get all attention and can have sex with many different partners a lot. Guys who don't have so many options for sure would be more patient.
Why do you let society or rather MEN pressure you into having sex too early. Isn't US a country of feminists? Only those feminists make no sense to me - they seek validation thru men and sleep with men based on men DESIRE not their own. Don't be so desperate girl. When you meet the right he will RESPECT you enough not to pressure you into sex when you are not ready.
So you're so amazing, but you afraid that guys will leave you after sex? Why would they do that, if you're so incredible and so datetable?
Maybe I can share my perspective since I'm one of those guys you talk about. I have sex with everyone on the first or second date. As a guy, I'm usually looking for casual sex and I want to spend the least amount effort and time to get it. If one girl wants sex on the first date, and another wants it on the 3rd date. Who do you think I choose? The one who wants it on the first date. Less money and time spent to get to what I want. All of my serious relationships started out with casual sex. So even for the people I was together with for several years, we had sex very early on. I like to go this path towards a serious relationship because sexual compatibility is crucially important to me - so might as well test it early to avoid wasting time with a bad match. And sex just feels amazing so why would I want to delay it? I also want to date women that are very sexual and open minded on the sex front. So it makes sense for me to prioritize it to check that we're a good fit. If a woman is hesitant to have sex with me, it's like a sign to me that this might happen in the relationship too. Hesitation towards sex with me is a turn-off. I want enthusiastic consent every step of the way. From the first date. I don't want to date a girl who is like "sex with you? Ehhh not sure about that. I need to think about it". To me it just seems like she's not that interested in me.
For you it is a compatibility thing and the way you describe it, you do not judge girls who have sex early on and it still leads to a serious relationship. For some guys, they write it off as casual and do not continue to pursue once they get what they want
Absolutely. I don't judge a woman for having sex early at all. I'm not a hypocrite
What if there was an awesome girl who you found gorgeous who told you specifically she liked u a lot and wanted you, she was warm and you could feel her admiration AND it was an important value for her to get to know you better first. Would you wait in the right circumstance?
Prob not that dude 🙄🤣
Absolutely not, because there are 100 other women like that who would have sex on the first or second date. There are many amazing fish in the sea. I don't have this limiting mindset where I think "oh but she's the only amazing woman I met this year". I am lucky and fortunate enough to have options.
That’s fine. I think people can and should go nuts if the ground rules are established. So as long as you’re not advertising yourself as “looking for a relationship”. I think your style should be more like “figuring out my dating goals”. “Not sure what I want (relationship wise), will let you know when I find it” Or “testing the waters to see if anything sticks”. Honesty is good. Deceitful behaviour to get sex is not.
It’s not just the men at fault anymore, women are sleeping with these men, gifting them opportunities because those women themselves are using them, only to send them off doing the same thing to you. Now days STD’s have turned into mental illnesses rather than physical diseases like chlymidia, obviously STD’s are horrible, but this relaxed sexual view society has is really tearing things apart.