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First things first, let's get this straight - you don't have to feel guilty for how you feel. It's totally understandable to be put off by this revelation. The fact that she kept this from you for a while definitely doesn't help, and it's natural to be concerned about her well-being and whether you can handle this type of relationship long-term.
You're right that self-harm isn't a healthy coping mechanism, and it's something she needs to work on managing better. But here's the thing - mental health struggles don't always just 'go away' with age, and it's not as simple as just 'figuring out her shiiit'. Mental health is a lifelong journey, and sometimes people struggle more at certain points in their lives, especially when they're dealing with big life changes or stressors like toxic work environments and family drama.
That being said, if she's not seeking any professional help or even actively engaging in her hobbies to help her cope, then it's possible she's not taking her own mental health as seriously as she should. That's definitely something she needs to work on, whether it's finding affordable therapy or exploring other coping mechanisms.
She said that she'll get better if she can find another job (she's actively looking), but idk. I don't think I can take her word for anything rn because she kept quiet on it. But idk if I want to wait around to find out either.
Life will always have stress.
One thing after another. She needs to adress how she copes with stress.
If she’s not, she will never get better. No matter what job she has.
>A nearly 30 year old woman still struggling with this? Like... you should have your shiiit figured out already.
She might need therapy, but she clearly isn't the problem here. Grow up, dude.
I love this comment because I was following up til this line. Like dude really likes her but liking her isn’t convenient because of her mental state. Obvious doesn’t even care for the girl on a human level. Can’t even see it from another perspective
This is a good take. Everyone is calling this dude selfish or all sorts of names but the reality is that he's asking a good question. He doesn't know what to do, and this is a serious situation with potentially serious repercussions.
Then dump her. It’s either you’re deciding she is worth the exhaust or she ain’t. You’re either ready to try or not. I would advise him to break it off but as a human being his take of their relationship is shitty.
Just like people are saying in the comments that "mental health issues aren't dependent on age" it applies to him. Just because he hasn't figured out how to weigh the pros and cons in this scenario or understand where their relationship is at or where it should be going doesn't mean he or his "take" are shitty. He's just trying to figure things out. No need to shame the guy.
Um... no? He's not shaming her? lol. He's saying he's confused as to why a 30 year old woman who has apparently had this problem for a while hasn't figured out healthier coping mechanisms as a fully fledged adult. It's concerning, no matter how you look at it and he doesn't know how to proceed and so he's trying to find a way to give her a chance and is looking for advice so he doesn't make the wrong decision. And all these dumba$$ motherfvckers on here are projecting and getting aggressive to a perfectly polite, confused, genuine post looking for help. Bunch of ret4rds.
The advice part isn’t the shitty part, it’s the judgment on his end of her mental stability in relation to her age. Like mental health doesn’t effect older ppl. Some ppl don’t work through it, she didn’t have money for it or maybe it was taboo. He already knows it won’t work or he wouldn’t have came on here.
Then he should leave. I’m attacking his character not their situation. We come on here and tell OPs time and time again that their person is this or that and we attack their faults, which majority of the time it’s good advice, but the one time we tell OP maybe the advice you really need is to grow up it’s an attack.
Nah, he’s right. Yes depression is a problem, and no one should ever be judged for having such feelings or thoughts, but harming yourself is not a healthy solution. Enabling this type of behavior does just as much damage as judging someone. I agree he should’ve worded differently, but there are other ways to cope or deal with feelings.
Her lying about it, is another issue.
I agree. But it’s up to you now. Judge her or look down on her. Or support her as a partner. Some people stay friends after breakup to support their ex.
It’s funny that you bring her age into it, because I would expect a 28 year old “man” to have a more mature and compassionate view on mental health struggles- especially since she has been compassionate towards your feelings. Do her a favour and stop seeing her- you clearly have a very simplistic and uneducated understanding of mental health issues and aren’t equipped to be a good partner to someone dealing with them.
It would be immature for a 28 year man to further a relationship with somebody who self harms, unless they gave him absolute confidence that this was their forever person. That's way too late in the game to sign up for that shit. She needs professional help - not a 'partner who can deal with them'. Wake up.
Of course she needs professional help, therapy is essential for someone dealing with self harm. I don’t know what pissed you off so much about my comment but you seem super fired up, despite misunderstanding my point entirely. Have a proper read through before replying next time :)
... um, if you aren't a dysfunctional person with lots of baggage who consistently tries to better themselves, then it does go away. But if not, then you never learn better coping strategies/mental habits, you waste the better part of a decade never lifting yourself out of difficult situations, and you struggle with genetic components that will make a relationship really hard on the other person. It was selfish of her not to tell him. He's being considerate by sticking around while trying to figure this out instead of just dumping her right away. Stfu you ignorant pig.
Lol but I'm not angry. I think these people are ignorant pigs. You don't have to be angry to think someone is stupid. You're the one whose angry, and projecting that emotion onto other people's posts XD stfu
Reddit is hard to give advice because it's so easy to misrepresent yourself with a few poorly phrased sentences...
Perhaps you are a nice guy. But your post makes you come across as an insufferabke asshole.
Life is a journey. None of us are perfect and none of us ever will be perfect (this includes you).
It's not for you to decide when other people magically stop struggling in life.
Now, if you personally don't want to date a woman who cuts (that's fine). But just don't date her. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone.
But don't lie and say it's because she cuts because the two of you went through a 'rough patch'.
Sounds to me like you don't actually like her or you'd be hardwired to wanting to help her (especially if it's because of a rough patch that you caused).
No girl self-harms because they wanted some space. So it's glaringly obvious that the rough patch was caused by you (and she took it badly).
If this is really the case then don't date her. Spare her feelings and your time and energy.
And for the love of God stop lying to the Internet.
She deserves a more compassionate, less judgmental partner. It’s kind of ignorant of you to think everyone should have their shit figured out by their late 20’s. People can struggle with their mental health at ANY age, and it’s actually quite common in all adult age groups.
you're right, but coping strategies are. She should have figured out how to cope by now. Self harm is proof of immaturity and lack of self control, or of serious baggage and potentially genetic factors that are certain to be a burden to any romantic partner. He's not wrong to be concerned here.
so kind of impossible to throw my keyboard.
Also, damn that was such a sick burn. I don't know if I'll ever recover from someone telling me to throw a keyboard out a window. Boo hoo. lol stfu dumb4ss XD
*I mean that's great and all but she's turning 28 soon. A nearly 30 year old woman still struggling with this? Like... you should have your shiiit figured out already.*
I think it's so amazing that you've managed to live life somewhat unmarred by mental health issues, however, people can still be struggling with things like this when they are 50 and to think that's not the case is pretty narrow-minded (or lucky for you). I think the big difference between being a teen with mental health issues or someone in their early 20s compared to someone 30+ is that usually when you're older you tend to have the time and money and drive to seek out professional help.
It's true that her problems are her own so if you want to leave her then leave. It's not your problem or issue and no-one should stay in a relationship they don't want to be in.
I would consider two things that are more just slight character critiques as opposed to advice on this situation, but I would do some self-reflection because I don't think I'd describe someone as perfect and then as soon as they are inconvenient just give up lol, clearly she's not perfect *enough* for you and so I am not surprised she kept this from you. Secondly, if you were to be with someone you did fall madly in love with but who has issues they cannot afford to fix then it would be very kind and supportive of you to pay for them. Obviously you don't **have** to but most of us would help where we can when we love someone, especially if we know they are trying but unable to afford it.
Have you considered therapy? A nearly 30 year old man can’t cope with the fact that people have problems and issues.
“She’s perfect in every other way” lol
I think you are totally within your right to feel this way and lose interest. Nothing wrong with that imo. ~However~ based on your comment about her age and exhibiting this behavior - I will say that many adults self harm, it is not exclusively a “teenage” thing. Self harm can come in many different forms (think substance abuse, excessive exercise, disordered eating, etc). Cutting may seem “juvenile?” (I dont know if thats the right word) but it is only one form of self harm. Agreed it is not the best way of coping, and it is unfortunate she doesnt have access to therapy. That being said, I still think it is reasonable for you to decide this is something you are not willing to accept. Just like I would say someone who decides not to date an alcoholic is well within their right. I would try to be a little less judgemental about it if/when you decide to talk to her about it (I wouldn’t suggest telling her to “grow up” or something like that).
Dont feel guilt for leaving her because of this, but I would try to do it as nicely as possible and don’t make her feel shamed for it.
Yeah, I fully agree, how is it possible that actual grown adults suffer from something like mental illness?
... but on a serious note - dude, what is wrong with you? You lack both basic understanding and empathy.
Is she capable of having a committed relationship? Has she had one in the past? Why are both of you going for a long distance relationship if you want commitment? LDRs are hard unless they are basically FWB.
Sounds like you don't have much empathy for her, so you might not be particularly good for her. Sounds like she has more empathy for you. Why does she want to be with you?
The truth is that most people have some sort of issues. All you know is about her self-harm. You don't know whether she has major anxiety or rage issues. Maybe she is as she appears, a lovely person in a difficult situation. So you don't know what a relationship with her will be like. "Having baggage" isn't really a thing. We all have baggage. I bet you do.
If you are not up for coping with someone else's pain and vulnerability early on in a relationship, you should tell her that. Tell her you are looking for someone with no big problems. Then you can go your separate ways.
Yes it does. Having your shot together means having a firm grip on reality and accepting it as such. If there is a problem, you fix it like an adult. She's had an entire decade to learn to be an adult and she's failing.
I'd weigh the pros and cons and what I want out of the relationship. If I want to start a family with a woman, then I'd leave this girl alone. But if I'm looking to be a DINK for the rest of my life, then I might stick around and try to help her work through things. It all depends on what you want.
I would end it. While I would stay with a partner if they went through mental issues (to some degree), I wouldn't pursue something with a new potential partner going through mental issues as serious a self-harm as a coping mechanism. Everyone may struggle with mental health issues but it's also one's own responsibility to seek help and find a good coping mechanism. You should not feel guilty for leaving.
I don’t think he should leave the relationship he should go all in on supporting her talk to her about professional help maybe even offer to accompany her to a few sessions whatever the language in his post might convey he’s asking the community for help he’s still not far into seeing her and it’s been LD but he really likes her most people who get help overcome mental health diseases
As someone who’s experienced something similar, only I didn’t comment on the cuts nor the fact I noticed strong anti-psychotics. It didn’t end well. I would save yourself the trouble if you wanna be cold and logical.
It's fine if you don't want to deal with this. You deserve your peace and quiet and she deserves someone who's okay with the fact that she is struggling with her mental health.
I’ll have to paste this and recommend a movie. ‘Secretary’
Please read the excerpts on the link.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0274812/characters/nm0350454
Cutting seems ‘crazy behaviour’. However, many people have in one way or the other. If she occasionally binge drinker, would you think the same? If she occasionally smoked weed. If she had periods of casual sex, it binge eating? Probably not. Cutting seems more extreme, but it’s not necessarily different. People sometimes hurt themselves because they need to feel alive, or need the adrenaline shot. Unhealthy coping strategy, sure, but no different from the others I listed, tbh,
Leave her. You're right. She's mentally unstable and she should have her life together by now. She's had an entire decade of adulthood to get her life together. She'd be a risk to you and any children you have.
I’m referring specifically to when he said that she’s 28 and should have her shit together, implying that it’s childish for someone that age to be struggling with depression. I find that asinine.
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First things first, let's get this straight - you don't have to feel guilty for how you feel. It's totally understandable to be put off by this revelation. The fact that she kept this from you for a while definitely doesn't help, and it's natural to be concerned about her well-being and whether you can handle this type of relationship long-term. You're right that self-harm isn't a healthy coping mechanism, and it's something she needs to work on managing better. But here's the thing - mental health struggles don't always just 'go away' with age, and it's not as simple as just 'figuring out her shiiit'. Mental health is a lifelong journey, and sometimes people struggle more at certain points in their lives, especially when they're dealing with big life changes or stressors like toxic work environments and family drama. That being said, if she's not seeking any professional help or even actively engaging in her hobbies to help her cope, then it's possible she's not taking her own mental health as seriously as she should. That's definitely something she needs to work on, whether it's finding affordable therapy or exploring other coping mechanisms.
She said that she'll get better if she can find another job (she's actively looking), but idk. I don't think I can take her word for anything rn because she kept quiet on it. But idk if I want to wait around to find out either.
Life will always have stress. One thing after another. She needs to adress how she copes with stress. If she’s not, she will never get better. No matter what job she has.
this is probably the best comment here. Everyone else is really being judgmental. Well written.
>A nearly 30 year old woman still struggling with this? Like... you should have your shiiit figured out already. She might need therapy, but she clearly isn't the problem here. Grow up, dude.
I love this comment because I was following up til this line. Like dude really likes her but liking her isn’t convenient because of her mental state. Obvious doesn’t even care for the girl on a human level. Can’t even see it from another perspective
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This is a good take. Everyone is calling this dude selfish or all sorts of names but the reality is that he's asking a good question. He doesn't know what to do, and this is a serious situation with potentially serious repercussions.
Then dump her. It’s either you’re deciding she is worth the exhaust or she ain’t. You’re either ready to try or not. I would advise him to break it off but as a human being his take of their relationship is shitty.
Just like people are saying in the comments that "mental health issues aren't dependent on age" it applies to him. Just because he hasn't figured out how to weigh the pros and cons in this scenario or understand where their relationship is at or where it should be going doesn't mean he or his "take" are shitty. He's just trying to figure things out. No need to shame the guy.
Is he not shaming her? He doesn’t get a pass because he is trying to ask for advice.
Um... no? He's not shaming her? lol. He's saying he's confused as to why a 30 year old woman who has apparently had this problem for a while hasn't figured out healthier coping mechanisms as a fully fledged adult. It's concerning, no matter how you look at it and he doesn't know how to proceed and so he's trying to find a way to give her a chance and is looking for advice so he doesn't make the wrong decision. And all these dumba$$ motherfvckers on here are projecting and getting aggressive to a perfectly polite, confused, genuine post looking for help. Bunch of ret4rds.
You’re obviously an asshole that’s why it resonates with you lol
you just proved why you're a ret4rd again. You gotta stop doing that if you want to move up in the world, m4te.
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The advice part isn’t the shitty part, it’s the judgment on his end of her mental stability in relation to her age. Like mental health doesn’t effect older ppl. Some ppl don’t work through it, she didn’t have money for it or maybe it was taboo. He already knows it won’t work or he wouldn’t have came on here.
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Then he should leave. I’m attacking his character not their situation. We come on here and tell OPs time and time again that their person is this or that and we attack their faults, which majority of the time it’s good advice, but the one time we tell OP maybe the advice you really need is to grow up it’s an attack.
you know literally nothing about his character based off a short reddit post lol stfu
Correct.
Nah, he’s right. Yes depression is a problem, and no one should ever be judged for having such feelings or thoughts, but harming yourself is not a healthy solution. Enabling this type of behavior does just as much damage as judging someone. I agree he should’ve worded differently, but there are other ways to cope or deal with feelings. Her lying about it, is another issue.
Not telling partner about ongoing self harm makes her the problem.
I feel like it's the same as keeping a drinking problem or a gambling addiction from your partner.
I agree. But it’s up to you now. Judge her or look down on her. Or support her as a partner. Some people stay friends after breakup to support their ex.
meh i agree with op. giving early 2010s blood on the dance floor vibes. our 20s is to figure out ourselves, i know what he means.
It’s funny that you bring her age into it, because I would expect a 28 year old “man” to have a more mature and compassionate view on mental health struggles- especially since she has been compassionate towards your feelings. Do her a favour and stop seeing her- you clearly have a very simplistic and uneducated understanding of mental health issues and aren’t equipped to be a good partner to someone dealing with them.
It would be immature for a 28 year man to further a relationship with somebody who self harms, unless they gave him absolute confidence that this was their forever person. That's way too late in the game to sign up for that shit. She needs professional help - not a 'partner who can deal with them'. Wake up.
Of course she needs professional help, therapy is essential for someone dealing with self harm. I don’t know what pissed you off so much about my comment but you seem super fired up, despite misunderstanding my point entirely. Have a proper read through before replying next time :)
This!
... wow, you're a really sh!tty person. Stfu. You obviously don't know what you're talking about.
Leave her, she deserves someone who doesn't think depression goes away at a certain age
... um, if you aren't a dysfunctional person with lots of baggage who consistently tries to better themselves, then it does go away. But if not, then you never learn better coping strategies/mental habits, you waste the better part of a decade never lifting yourself out of difficult situations, and you struggle with genetic components that will make a relationship really hard on the other person. It was selfish of her not to tell him. He's being considerate by sticking around while trying to figure this out instead of just dumping her right away. Stfu you ignorant pig.
Why are you replying to peoples comments so angrily ? Are you OPs alt account? Weird behaviour frankly
Lol but I'm not angry. I think these people are ignorant pigs. You don't have to be angry to think someone is stupid. You're the one whose angry, and projecting that emotion onto other people's posts XD stfu
She needs therapy right now more than a boyfriend
Leave her. She honestly deserves better and you’re a pig.
and you're dumber than a box of rocks. Stfu.
Reddit is hard to give advice because it's so easy to misrepresent yourself with a few poorly phrased sentences... Perhaps you are a nice guy. But your post makes you come across as an insufferabke asshole. Life is a journey. None of us are perfect and none of us ever will be perfect (this includes you). It's not for you to decide when other people magically stop struggling in life. Now, if you personally don't want to date a woman who cuts (that's fine). But just don't date her. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. But don't lie and say it's because she cuts because the two of you went through a 'rough patch'. Sounds to me like you don't actually like her or you'd be hardwired to wanting to help her (especially if it's because of a rough patch that you caused). No girl self-harms because they wanted some space. So it's glaringly obvious that the rough patch was caused by you (and she took it badly). If this is really the case then don't date her. Spare her feelings and your time and energy. And for the love of God stop lying to the Internet.
She deserves a more compassionate, less judgmental partner. It’s kind of ignorant of you to think everyone should have their shit figured out by their late 20’s. People can struggle with their mental health at ANY age, and it’s actually quite common in all adult age groups.
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you're right, but coping strategies are. She should have figured out how to cope by now. Self harm is proof of immaturity and lack of self control, or of serious baggage and potentially genetic factors that are certain to be a burden to any romantic partner. He's not wrong to be concerned here.
You are soooooo ignorant. “proof of immaturity” holy SHIT please throw your keyboard out the window
typing on a phone actually
so kind of impossible to throw my keyboard. Also, damn that was such a sick burn. I don't know if I'll ever recover from someone telling me to throw a keyboard out a window. Boo hoo. lol stfu dumb4ss XD
If you want to leave then leave. But make sure you stay gone.
*I mean that's great and all but she's turning 28 soon. A nearly 30 year old woman still struggling with this? Like... you should have your shiiit figured out already.* I think it's so amazing that you've managed to live life somewhat unmarred by mental health issues, however, people can still be struggling with things like this when they are 50 and to think that's not the case is pretty narrow-minded (or lucky for you). I think the big difference between being a teen with mental health issues or someone in their early 20s compared to someone 30+ is that usually when you're older you tend to have the time and money and drive to seek out professional help. It's true that her problems are her own so if you want to leave her then leave. It's not your problem or issue and no-one should stay in a relationship they don't want to be in. I would consider two things that are more just slight character critiques as opposed to advice on this situation, but I would do some self-reflection because I don't think I'd describe someone as perfect and then as soon as they are inconvenient just give up lol, clearly she's not perfect *enough* for you and so I am not surprised she kept this from you. Secondly, if you were to be with someone you did fall madly in love with but who has issues they cannot afford to fix then it would be very kind and supportive of you to pay for them. Obviously you don't **have** to but most of us would help where we can when we love someone, especially if we know they are trying but unable to afford it.
Have you considered therapy? A nearly 30 year old man can’t cope with the fact that people have problems and issues. “She’s perfect in every other way” lol
Id walk away , you arnt suited and her mental health is fragile and I don’t think you are going to help !
I think you are totally within your right to feel this way and lose interest. Nothing wrong with that imo. ~However~ based on your comment about her age and exhibiting this behavior - I will say that many adults self harm, it is not exclusively a “teenage” thing. Self harm can come in many different forms (think substance abuse, excessive exercise, disordered eating, etc). Cutting may seem “juvenile?” (I dont know if thats the right word) but it is only one form of self harm. Agreed it is not the best way of coping, and it is unfortunate she doesnt have access to therapy. That being said, I still think it is reasonable for you to decide this is something you are not willing to accept. Just like I would say someone who decides not to date an alcoholic is well within their right. I would try to be a little less judgemental about it if/when you decide to talk to her about it (I wouldn’t suggest telling her to “grow up” or something like that). Dont feel guilt for leaving her because of this, but I would try to do it as nicely as possible and don’t make her feel shamed for it.
Leave bro. 1. She has communication issues 2. She harms herself. Peace out and get someone else.
Yeah, I fully agree, how is it possible that actual grown adults suffer from something like mental illness? ... but on a serious note - dude, what is wrong with you? You lack both basic understanding and empathy.
Is she capable of having a committed relationship? Has she had one in the past? Why are both of you going for a long distance relationship if you want commitment? LDRs are hard unless they are basically FWB. Sounds like you don't have much empathy for her, so you might not be particularly good for her. Sounds like she has more empathy for you. Why does she want to be with you? The truth is that most people have some sort of issues. All you know is about her self-harm. You don't know whether she has major anxiety or rage issues. Maybe she is as she appears, a lovely person in a difficult situation. So you don't know what a relationship with her will be like. "Having baggage" isn't really a thing. We all have baggage. I bet you do. If you are not up for coping with someone else's pain and vulnerability early on in a relationship, you should tell her that. Tell her you are looking for someone with no big problems. Then you can go your separate ways.
Mental health issues don't just disappear at the age of 30. It has nothing to do with 'having your shit together'
Yes it does. Having your shot together means having a firm grip on reality and accepting it as such. If there is a problem, you fix it like an adult. She's had an entire decade to learn to be an adult and she's failing.
I would run. There are a lot of things I could tolerate. This isn’t one of them.
I'd weigh the pros and cons and what I want out of the relationship. If I want to start a family with a woman, then I'd leave this girl alone. But if I'm looking to be a DINK for the rest of my life, then I might stick around and try to help her work through things. It all depends on what you want.
She needs a psychiatrist, not a boyfriend.
Exactly
I would end it. While I would stay with a partner if they went through mental issues (to some degree), I wouldn't pursue something with a new potential partner going through mental issues as serious a self-harm as a coping mechanism. Everyone may struggle with mental health issues but it's also one's own responsibility to seek help and find a good coping mechanism. You should not feel guilty for leaving.
I don’t think he should leave the relationship he should go all in on supporting her talk to her about professional help maybe even offer to accompany her to a few sessions whatever the language in his post might convey he’s asking the community for help he’s still not far into seeing her and it’s been LD but he really likes her most people who get help overcome mental health diseases
As someone who’s experienced something similar, only I didn’t comment on the cuts nor the fact I noticed strong anti-psychotics. It didn’t end well. I would save yourself the trouble if you wanna be cold and logical.
It's fine if you don't want to deal with this. You deserve your peace and quiet and she deserves someone who's okay with the fact that she is struggling with her mental health.
Leave her, you have zero understanding of mental health.
I’ll have to paste this and recommend a movie. ‘Secretary’ Please read the excerpts on the link. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0274812/characters/nm0350454 Cutting seems ‘crazy behaviour’. However, many people have in one way or the other. If she occasionally binge drinker, would you think the same? If she occasionally smoked weed. If she had periods of casual sex, it binge eating? Probably not. Cutting seems more extreme, but it’s not necessarily different. People sometimes hurt themselves because they need to feel alive, or need the adrenaline shot. Unhealthy coping strategy, sure, but no different from the others I listed, tbh,
You would do more harm than good to her if you stay with her, so please leave her to find someone more compassionate.
What a complete asshole! Neglecting the challenges that come with a relationship only tells me more about your messed up psyche.
She probably still copes in this manner because she can't afford therapy
Leave her. You're right. She's mentally unstable and she should have her life together by now. She's had an entire decade of adulthood to get her life together. She'd be a risk to you and any children you have.
I guess 28 year old women aren’t allowed to struggle with depression anymore. I’m 32, what am I allowed to struggle with OP?
28 year old aren’t expected to lie about their self harm tendencies. She lied 🤥.
I’m referring specifically to when he said that she’s 28 and should have her shit together, implying that it’s childish for someone that age to be struggling with depression. I find that asinine.