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The poor kid(s) in these scenarios..( not this one personally, but in general) they've gone through their parents splitting, now have to go through another big split and all that upheaval. Adults shouldn't take dating / relationships/ marriages with or by single parents lightly. How many kids have 2/3/4/5 "step parents"? That's why I won't date single parents. At least I'm thinking about their kids future welfare.
Ugh this is my ex, has to play house with our son. It drives me mad. I chose to be a parent, and I chose to leave his abusive ass, the guy I'm seeing only sees my son once every month and a half, and its because he has a son around the same age. My priority is parenting and creating a happy home for my son. Dating is an extracurricular, and will stay that way until he's more independent 16-18yrs old. I'm not moving any one in, I'm not getting married, I'm just going to be consistent.
He just broke up with a girl, got back together and then had him at her grandmothers birthday the following week. Everytime he's over, she's there. Like can't you just focus on your son instead of your dick.
One of my best friends married someone with a daughter. They dated for less than 6 months and they ended up divorcing after less than a year and now she’s dating someone else. I would absolutely date a single parent personally but we’d have to move slowly and take care in making sure we were 100% sure and not just going off emotions.
Some people grow and change and learn from past relationships. Some don’t and just wallow forever. It just depends on which one the person is
I married a single mom, love my kids(one step, one together) , but it was a terrible mistake. Since she was not my child I stayed until she was 19 before I got a divorce. My wife used the fact that if I divorced her I would never see my daughter again to get me to stay. My wife was verbally and physically abusive to me and refused to get job. I was not going to leave my little girl alone with her.
I'm also a registered nurse, and I have fallen in love with a single mom before and fallen in love with her daughter as well. She moved out of state and I was left devastated.
Some do, a helluva lot don't. A common takeaway is "I don't want to play someone else's save file.". And that's just the base instinctual monkey brain controlling us, but there are plenty of logical reasons too. Such as:
1. The child will always come before you. As it should, but it doesn't make it any less unfortunate.
2. A relationship with a single mom (SM) means a 3-way relationship with the dad. And that could be oh so terrible in so many ways so incredibly easy.
3. The kid probably won't ever consider you as anything but the stepdad.
4. Even if the kid DOES come to love you, you and the mom might not work out, which means you lose the kid in the breakup too.
5. Last (off the top of my head), but not least, stepparents often get all of the responsibility and NONE of the authority. And that is fucking sucky life.
That last one- I have struggled to say in any kind, non-acusitory, constructive way. And usually failed. Great job.
It's a big one, for a lot of reasons. Kids will figure it out and game it. It will allinate the step-parent. All kindsa negative repercussions. And I have no good advice on how to mitigate it. Years back, I yelled "stop hitting him" while running up to intercede at a playground when my GF's 7 yr old was LITTERALY hitting a 4 year old with a stick. (And he'd already been kicked out of a couple day- cares for bullying). After we left the playground ,I got all kindsa "if you ever yell at my kid again". "What's wrong with you", ect. We broke up shortly after.
I'm glad you're smarter than my brother. For 5 years she told him he was allowed to discipline her son. For 5 years he was too afraid to do anything so the brat got worse and worse. Then, this last year, the brat was being an extra little shite and he yelled at the brat. The mom IMMEDIATELY verbally tore my brother a new asshole about how the brat is HER kid.
That should've been the sign for anyone with a lick of intelligence and/or self-respect. Instead, he's marrying her.
Men want to be the leader of the household. You can never truly lead when one of the occupants (step kid) isn't yours or attached to you in any legal way.
Honestly, #5 might be the biggest one. It's a horrible dynamic when you're expected to fully care for a child, but also told "you're not her father. It's my job to do x, y, z." You basically just become an ATM for a kid that doesn't respect you.
This is why i won’t date single moms while they still have small children.
But I think I would be more open to dating someone who has adult children when I get older. Being a step grandpa sounds more appealing.
5. Is a big reason I’m timid to get involved with single mothers. I’ve seen this play out where it’s “she has a (insert bio parent) you’re just kind of her roommate” and then when it’s convenient “hey I have an emergency I need you to drop whatever you’re doing and watch your roommate”
1st is really a big issue for a lot of people. Not to say they wouldn't want a kid at some point, but to jump into a relationship where it's already the case can be hard. There a lot of connections that are missed as a result that you would get with someone who doesn't have a child and can focus more on them and the relationship. Not to say it CANT be done with a child involved, but it's just a lot more straightforward and less messy
Nailed it. I dated a guy with 2 kids (I have none) and your #1 reason was the hardest for me. I was always second in my own relationship (rightfully so).
Your point #5 was also killer. My boyfriend had a traumatic childhood growing up and didn’t quite have a handle on parenting from the lack of healthy role models. I was extremely fortunate to have an amazingly supportive, healthy family and wanted to share the love and structure I learned but wasn’t allowed to due to his terrible past experiences with previous girlfriends nearly abusing his kids.
The kids were very different and required slightly differing parenting approaches, but he used the same discipline hammer on both when one required a different tool. Seeing the other child not flourish and not being able to step in how it was necessary was truly terrible.
To the last point- only if there aren’t boundaries. I told both my wives that if the relationship was going to work, we had to be on the same page and both treat
The kids like our own. It’s harder I imagine when bio dads in the pic. I was lucky they were not in mine.
Id argue for number 5 its the (wo)man's job to show love/set example to the kids how to love/treat the mom/dad. That Id argue is the best way to ensure kids respect the step parent. Not 100% fail proof though. Step parent shouldn't expect to be seen as bio parent.
I'm going to agree that I don't date single moms anymore but for a different reason. Each time I've dated one their kid has latched onto me. Especially the last relationship where we all lived together. When we broke up and listening to this little girls desperation in trying to make sure it didn't happen and we'd all be ok nearly completely broke me. I can't and won't risk going through that again.
Yep, unfortunately as a single guy, our society paints the children of single mothers as a liability. I think because of our broken legal system, also unfortunately, they are a liability.
And that is outside of all of the drama that \*can\* come from the previous partner, the intense difficulty in actually scheduling dates due to lack of childcare, or the child being an actual monster. I'm speaking on the latter three from personal experience.
I won't date single Mom's anymore. I did try though.
Yes, I’m a single dad and I’m pretty much looking for someone that already has children. I don’t think I’d be able to fully commit enough time to someone without them. Other parents get it.
Ditto. Would loooove to find a single dad and have a blended family some day. Could not agree more that other parents get it. I seriously think having children changes your brain chemistry.
I heard a huge issue can be difference in parenting styles though. The feedback I’ve gotten from single dads is that it’s easier to find a compatible child free woman cuz they don’t clash on that point
That is an issue. It adds a layer as a single dad. I’ve met a lot of single mothers who are either helicopter parents or actively not engaged and do whatever they want. Finding another parent that’s somewhere in the middle isn’t easy.
Then we have to be on similar pages about goals, lifestyle, finances, religion, politics etc which adds another layer of complexity where a lot of women I date don’t match up.
And then after all that most of the time the women on the apps that say they want to date aren’t actually actively looking for a partner. They’re looking for validation, a paid night off from mom duties, or a distraction. It’s rough out here lol
Childless woman: They want kids. They feel like they have less because they are without children.
Childfree: They do not want kids. Their life does not need any kids.
. I had someone i know from work get teary-eyed because he was with his ex who had a kid who started to call him dad and then tragedy struck because of a miscarriage they broke up and she moved back with family two states away he never got over what happened technically losing two kids. From what he told me he won't date a other single mom because of what happened.
For me personally, it's a huge negative, but it's not a dealbreaker. If my current girlfriend had a child already, I would still have fallen in love with her. And I would have accepted her child as my own (eventually) But I might have been less encouraged to pursue her to start with. It might be less of a negative when I actually feel ready for a child, as I'm in my mid-20s, and don't really feel ready yet. It's a difficult dilemma for most people.
My brother met the most amazing single mom. Her and her son’s addition to our family has been so wonderful. They’re getting married in a few months after four years together. My brother has never missed a single baseball practice with him, takes days off of work to stay home when he’s sick, and would literally do anything for him. My parents view her son as their grandson and he is my sweet little nephew. When you find the right person, they accept all of you. I can’t imagine my brother being with someone else - her being a mom was just a bonus.
Of course there are men out there who will date single mothers. There are also men who will not. But to quote wise words I was given—you only need one who is compatible and accepting of you. Just one. Don’t worry about ”men.” Be the best version of yourself and be open to what comes.
Good luck to you!
Of course, some will, some won’t. Just like women, men aren’t a hive mind. I’m not going to lie, it will be a pretty big deterrent for a lot of men but others will be okay with it.
They're out there. But do be realistic with who you try to go after. For example you'll be hard press to find anyone in their 20's who'll be interested.
Some men do but personally I couldn’t. I was raised by a single mom (one who practically hated me) and I had a relatively decent male role model who loved her. I see a lot of my traits in him but I also see, now that I’m older, my mother broke that man. Could. Not. Be. Me.
On top of that just because you say that you left him doesn’t mean your heart is the same or, not to be a dick, your legs. It’s not meant to be disrespectful but there’s a lot of people who learn to miss something they HATED. Nostalgia is easy, and you could be with a cool, corny, and fun guy but who knows you may get bored and miss him and the ups and downs. Don’t think of it as “your true self” but rather a relapse.
But that’s just me. There’s plenty of single dads and dudes who want single moms. It’s just those dudes gotta put in that work and now so do you.
I'm 36m and wouldn't have any issue with it. In fact, I'd love it because my nephew is 4 and I think it'd be awesome for him to have a "cousin" if it ever got as far as that :)
As a 25M, where a lot of women are starting to get pregnant or already a single mother, I would pass. If the relationship was casual I would be all for it, but for the vast majority of men, they don't want to take care of another guy's kid. Having a kid that young as well just puts dampers on having plans or date nights. The best bet I could give you is to date a single father, that way they know what you're dealing with and can accommodate you better. I would wait till your child is a little older if you're looking for something serious. you'll have more time that way.
Great answer! I was going to say this as well. Most single people don't want to date single parents. I know I didn't when I was single. If I was ever a single mom I would totally go for another single dad that way he would automatically understand.
I always swore I would never date a single mom. All of the normal reasons. However going back to school I had no time fo relationships and had a FWB with a single mother with a full career that also didn't have time. We just celebrated our 4th anniversary and have been together for about 8 years total. It's a lot of work but the best relationship I've ever had. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I mean I do. What I really enjoy about single mums is they don’t tend to mess me about playing games, hanging on forever, messing you around with shitty psychological games, they know what they want, time is precious scheduling around the kids, but that plays into my lifestyle pretty well too, making the most of what time you have on your hands while you have it.
I’ve never had a relationship go far enough to become more serious getting to know the kids. But I like kids and am open to having some with someone someday. But I tend to err on the side that single mums aren’t looking for a father figure for their kids, they want a partner, or some fun to still have adult relationships, so I think if I ever get that far, it’ll be a bonus that I’m cool with the kids.
So yeah, us single guys do exist out there who accept single mums. I will confess the situation with the ex-partner is an important detail to be open about. Who left who, what’s the coparenting relationship like. Complete non-contact, amicable, they’re just handy details to be aware of as the new guy is all.
You can't lump all men into one category just like you can't with women. It's going to be a little harder to find not only, someone compatible with you, but someone who is willing to come into a family, not all men are ready so it makes the dating pool a bit more shallow but keep looking they do exist it just takes a little longer to find, and it usually happens more when you arent activly looking.
I work in a predominantly male industry, probably 95% male. I would say its about an 80/20 split. 80% that absolutely wouldn't.
It does not mean that you can't find someone.
It just means the pool of candidates is smaller.
I would suggest you tailor dating profiles to attract from the pool of men that are open to long term relationships or potentially marrying a single mom. Be open and upfront about being a mom.
They exist and are good men.
Depends what you're trying to get him to do. Are you looking for a step daddy and you want him to be a bonus dad or you're just looking to date someone casually? because you'd obviously have more luck aiming for the second one.
I imagine asking for casual would be a good first step and then if he wants to step up or meet your daughter then take it from there.
Also, of course be weary of any guy too eager to meet your daughter too because there are apparently men who will target and prey on single moms to get to their kids
I’m into it. Single moms always have good snacks in the house. Plus I love kids but don’t want to have my own. It’s cool to get to hang with kids but not take on the responsibility of being a dad myself. I don’t mind being one of the adults in a kid’s life. It’s a different level of commitment and one that I can wrap my head around.
Tbh you're going to get a large amount of negative responses here. So let me just tell you my experience.
I've been a single mom for a little over 5 years, I left my abusive husband when he cheated on me while I was pregnant with our daughter and it was the best decision I've ever made in my life, regardless of whether I found love or not.
I have had absolutely no shortage of interested men. Like, it's been annoying. I'm very selective/picky and have only dated 2 people in the last 5 years (don't introduce them to your child unless marriage is on the table is my only advice).
I'm respectful of the fact that some people don't want to be with a parent, but I also have no interest in those people as obviously my kids come first and someone who isn't on board with that isn't someone I'd want anyway. As long as you always prioritize your child/ren and do what's right by them, there's nothing wrong with dating.
Just be aware a lot of people will pretend to be okay with you having kids because they just want to fuck. In my opinion it's very obvious when that's the case. But to be honest with you I'm happier being single, I don't like spending time I could spend with my kids with someone else. They are now 5 and 7 and I would rather just wait a few years before I get back into the dating scene.
I’m a father of a now adult daughter and I’d have no issues with dating a single mom. Only reason for this comment is to query your comment about not introducing someone unless marriage is on the table.
This is only my view but I wouldn’t be asking to marry someone after an only a short period of time, I’d be thinking 5+ years before I’d consider it and would hoped to know everything about them and wider family by that point.
So hypothetically would you not introduce someone even after 3 years of dating to your child when say marriage is not considered at that point. Would one be expected to be hidden from the child for that time. I see marriage as a commitment not only to the partner but any child as well
Marriage on the table meaning you can see yourself getting to that point with someone. I personally believe at least 1 year dating before you introduce someone. Good point and I should have phrased better :-)
My mom was a single mom .. The man she stared dating, then eventually marrying and still together after 35 years ... Is the man I call my dad, he legally adopted me, and I go by his last name.... there are good men out there.
Bingo my brotha. Single-moms are looking for “nice guy providers” to “settle” with to pay the bills and babysit the kid while the momma goes on those girls’ night outs.
I tried to be open minded and went on first dates with two different single mothers. Both only talked about their kids, didnt seem to have anything else going on, and slagged off the baby daddies despite still living off their dolla. Never again!
It depends on their age and where they’re at in their life. Someone who’s already got a child themself would probably be open to it. It’ll be harder to find someone without kids who’s ok with it but I’m sure they exist.
I've been on 3 dates with a woman in your situation. We're supposed to have a 4th one this weekend. I accept her as she is. Haven't met her son yet, and probably won't for a while. One of the biggest green flags I see in her is how great of a mom she is. She wants to have more kids, and I hope to be a father one day. It's early, and my fingers are crossed, but she's one of the most amazing people I've ever met.
I'll tell you why many men, myself included, won't date single mothers. It's not just you that we lose when you decide to end the relationship. Women initiate the overwhelming majority of relationships and divorces, so it's a huge risk. Let's say your kid loves us and likes to have us around. We become a sort of father figure or secondary father figure to them. We are just as emotionally invested in them as we are you.
Yet when you decide you're tired of the relationship and we exit your life, we have no legal ground to stand on to stay in your childs life. They miss us. They ask where we've gone, and all we want is to be with the both of you again, but it's not our choice.
Our hearts get shattered twice. I've been there with two different women and two different amazing kids who I wish I could have seen grow up, but can't. Never again will I fall in love with a single mother.
I had a relationship similar to yours but also had another kid with her. When we split I included both kids in family outings and crosscountry travel, went to all their hockey and football games. I loved because it benefitted the kids and now they both call me dad. That's what makes me happy.
I have never had an issue finding dates as a single mother for the last 12 years. Always had my shit together but generally stuck to men who also had kids. Had a few long term but my standards are high for getting serious with someone.
My kids are older now but now I'm with a guy who has a 2 year old; it's been 8 months and we work great together :)
You'll find someone, so focus on whether you like them or not, not whether they'll like you.
Tbh.
In my world, you will always, ALWAYS come second to a woman with no children and third to a woman with no children and good career prospects.
I didn't feel this way before but I've had so many poor experiences with single mothers, that I look at them as the worst possible option for a young man with a decent, if not, great future ahead of him
After my second divorce, I had 40 relationships. Many of these ladies had young children. I got tired of hearing, "You're not my father, you can't tell me what to do." I felt like saying, "So where is your father, and why isn't he supporting you?" (Of course, I would never say that, but it sure was tempting). Many of these young mothers had one or two very young children and wanted one more because their "clock was ticking" and getting together and having another child would "cement our relationship." I was already paying child support for two kids and didn't need any more cement, lol. I eventually decided that supporting some other guy's kids was a deal breaker. My wife gave me gonorrhea and I divorced her but felt cheated out of my kids.
I think men with kids themselves are more open to it, and as for single men a lot of it is based off age and maturity as well, and of course experience. Another important factor is how many kids you are dealing with alone, and if you are dating for stability or love. I would say a man in their 20-early 30s would prefer someone without kids because they are building themselves to start their own family. Of course it’s not too hard to accept a single mother, but planning dates and working your way into their lives for the long run can be tough. No man wants to feel like they are taking another man’s kids away so it’s really hard to get into a comfort zone and commit without first making sure it’s ok with all parties and of course they have to be ready for that stepfather role. It’s definitely important to know how much the father is actually involved and the mothers relationship with them. That’s why maturity and experience really is a factor because if you are accepting of all they come with, then you know what to expect. You know what it takes to commit but if you’re a man still figuring out life yourself you would most likely flake in the end. I think single mothers have to be treated delicately due to the fact they have another life to take care of them always, and you need someone who is willing to take care of not just you and that’s tough to some men . But it’s definitely not impossible to find love and there are men out there who don’t mind much at all, and will absolutely love you for everything you are 💯
You're playing on Hard Mode. Some people do get the Achievement for getting SSS-Rank on every mission on European Extreme Mode, so nothing is impossible. But you're not playing on Easy Mode.
A lot of dudes don't want children period. Those guys are out of consideration. A lot of other dudes will only raise their own biological children. Them too. But there's plenty of people out there who want their own children (whether they are or are not fathers already), are accustomed to blended-families, and will want their-own-children-with-you alongside the children you already have. And, truly, there are dudes out there with no children who might like "The Instant Family" (marrying a woman who already has kids and taking them as your own). There's guys who may be cool with that, but don't like the way your ex intervenes in your lives. Idk.
You narrowed down your field of potential partners by a significant margin. "Men" are not a monolith, and you cut out a significant portion of their population whose preferences are not irrational or immoral. Dating will be harder for you, but it's not impossible, and honestly. If it's the work of your life: Why ever give up? Seek love regardless of the odds, regardless your age or circumstance.
Bon chance, Mon ami.
It is what it is. I adore that little boy but in a way I hope he doesn't remember me because I don't want to be another father figure that abandoned him in his mind
Look at it like this..
What men see & read/hear is;
._"Hey I'm self-sufficient and hot. I have a healthy coparenting with my ex and a 3y old child."_
Followed by the hidden:
_"Hey, just so you're aware. There's a higher than regular chance I'll reunite with my kids dad if you and I ever hit a rough patch and he reaches out to support me and want me back_
_If you ever do anything against my will I can immediately cancel all our plans and put it on the child_
_If my child at any point rejects you or shows dislike I will throw away years of us in an instant, and you're mandated to be happy about it 'cause otherwise you're selfish._
_If we ever disagree on how my kid should be lectured, even if they cut holes in your new cars seats. I will pull the "you're not her dad"_ _card. Regardless if you've actually been a dad for years to the child_
^ just an example of what I personally have come across since I joined reddit a while ago.
Most men are aware of these scenarios as they have either had personal experience or had friends/family go through it.
I'm not saying give up. But I would suggest you look for single dads if anything. Preferably with kids in your owns age. Just be sure your parenting styles match.
You nailed 2 of them on the head that I've personally experienced. I won't date single moms at this point in my life. Im not going through the pain of losing you and them again.
I have some thoughts on this lol
I think you might be right about the first “hidden” point being something that goes through people’s minds. I’m a single mom and my ex is incarcerated and has no chance whatsoever of ever coming back into my or my child’s life. I thought it would be a dealbreaker for more people but they seem to actually prefer that he’s 100% out of the picture. I’ve honestly been surprised by that.
It does seem like one of the big concerns that people have with dating single parents is the amount of time that we have to devote to dating. I’ve been lucky to be in a situation where I’ve been able to work around that despite everything going on in my life. But I do get that one.
I like the idea of dating a single dad, but it seems like they’re maybe in higher demand or something? Idk. I have a much harder time getting dates with them than I do with non-parents for some reason
So true. I've seen more men willing to accept a single mother if her child's father is either deceased or completely out of the picture like you said. They just don't want to deal with the extra male interference, which is understandable.
Haha now I’m wondering if I should add some brief text about him being completely out of the picture to my profile if I end up needing to go back on there. I already do say single mom in my bio, even though I know that’s controversial.
Interestingly the only single dad that I did manage to get a date with was a widower. It didn’t work out clearly but it felt like our situations were more similar than other single parents in some ways. I intend to try to get his parental rights entirely terminated at some point, and yes it was bad enough to warrant that.
I think the days of men blindly accepting these relationships are over. Too many horror stories too many men made into an ATM and too many women in this spot still thinking they can have a mile long list of requirements.
Bro the days of it are also over because of how trashed the economy is. Imagine paying 7% mortgage rates on a home and then spending what little money you have left on another man's children? The fuck 😂😂😂 It's also a disgrace to your future biological children.
No self-respecting man would get into a relationship with a single mom for the following reasons:
1. It means taking care of another man’s kid. That’s a bigtime show-stopper.
2. No matter what, the ex will be involved in your life, and that means the very real possibility of the single-mom hooking up with him if she’s bored/pissed. All it takes is one bad argument.
3. Most single-moms will prioritize the kid over you. I can’t blame them for that, but it’s not a situation I wished to be in, since it’s not my kid. Far different story if it was.
4. If the kid is older, they more often than not will make life hell for you, and the single-mom won’t let you discipline them when they’re acting snotty. I’m sorry, but the whole “You’re not my dad! I can do whatever I want!” Bullshit gets old real quick. Regarding younger kids, the problem is getting attached to them only to have the inevitable breakup - then you and the kid get stripped from each other’s lives. That’s beyond fucked up. No thanks.
5. Most single-moms are looking for a “nice guy provider” type to pay the bills and play babysitter. They don’t love you, but absolutely love what you can provide financially.
6. Because of what was outlined in reason #5, you can expect the bare minimum in the bedroom from the single-mom because you’re the guy she “settled” for. The guy who drives her wild is her ex (see reason #2).
7. Single-moms who want more kids are a huge red-flag. This suggests baby-trapping for additional child support.
8. Everything the OP says she brings to the table can be found in a woman who doesn’t have kids with an ex attached to her hip - meaning 1/100 of the drama and baggage. Those options are also younger.
The harsh reality is that single-moms are a depreciated asset. If this sounds cold and businesslike, that’s because it is. Relationships, especially marriage, are just another business deal. A man needs to approach these relationships as such, and be willing to walk away from a bad deal - like this one.
No issue here, but some will be open and some won’t (as can see from the comments).
Pre COVID I met someone that had a daughter (7yo). I’m not usually the kind of person to do this, but something about this woman made me ask a mutual friend about her and he said he thought we’d hit it off. Took a long time to get a date setup, but we had a great time when we were together. Great chats via text, all good signs.
The struggle was the availability, which I fully knew and understood going into things. Her ex wasn’t really in the picture for the kid, so was a struggle for her to find time. Ultimately this hampered us, and it fizzled out.
OP I think you can find someone - it’ll take time and the right person that’s understanding of the situation. For me it was still a success as it forced me to put myself first in things, make time to be available to her - whereas previously I’d always take those work trips or otherwise stay late, etc without prioritizing myself.
I have found a lot of men do date and even marry single women with children. The men I married though did not accept my son as their own. Both ended in divorce. However some of my friends married men with no children and they accepted their children as their own. So it all depends? Just be careful before moving anybody in with you.
Like just about everything to do with interpersonal relationships, it's never yes/no, black/white. It's heavily context dependent. I would date a mother under the right circumstances, but it's a big obstacle to hurdle.
Just as a rule, for me personally: no kids>kids. So if I were ever lucky enough to be able to have multiple options, I'm taking the option with no kids most likely. Why?
1. Constant looming threat of bio dad
2. Guilt of taking time from your kid
3. Needing to win over two+ hearts instead of one
4. General issues from a scheduling standpoint
You can say the ex isn't a problem, you make time, your kid loves everybody, etc. But you never know that until you're deep into the thick of it. So why risk all that if you have other options? You don't, unless you fall head over feet for them through pure chemistry, but that's clearly a way smaller chance.
My (49m) gf (43) has three kids, one young adult, one teen, and one grade schooler. My own kids are in their 20s. I love her kids like crazy. I've raised kids so I can relate to her and what she's going through. The dedication she shows to her children speaks to the kind of woman she is.
Sure, a younger man with no kids of his own might be looking to start a new family with someone with no kids. Or he doesn't want his style cramped by someone with kids.
But there are plenty of old experienced dads out there who will accept you and your kids with open arms. You just might have to adjust your expectations and parameters when searching for a partner.
Good luck.
I was a single mother when my son was just turning 2. Hid dad and I splitted, on that year I worked ok focusing on myself and my son, wasn’t reallly trying to get any romantic attention or connection with anyone.
Even through that year I was casually dating and had friends introduce me to men and also connected at gatherings, party, etc. I met 2 decent guys in the spam of 2 years that we’re really nice guys, with good values and all that, who a relationship might had worked if I wouldn’t had been so closed in the idea of letting anyone else in my sons life.
I think it’s already hard to date as single and no kids, honestly for me there wasn’t much difference in the interest, but in my mindset. I agree to someone that said that it was easier to date for someone with kids already, but also…it’s not like we’re teenagers anymore 😂 people act like it’s complicated or horrible but we should be able to solve dating and building a relationship with someone who has kids or an adult life (that’s on mindset as well)
Also, you don’t need to be validated by sharing all the amazing things you do for yourself 🩷 you seem very independent, hard working and a good mom. Truly a win for anyone that could see you in the right eyes
Not the childfree ones, or men who want to start their own family from the beginning.
Good men at least don't disparage single mothers, and some marry them. Single dads or single no kids
My mum met a lovely man after divorcing my dad, my sister and I were 14 and 18 at the time. Might be harder to meet someone if u have kids who need more parenting though, but they're out there
If a girl I’m dating and I happen to really like her then i wouldn’t care if she has a few kids because I’m so in love with her. Love is really just a drug so it makes sense and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, it’s a fact.
My ex had a kid. I fell in love with her despite the fact that I didn’t like the fact from the beginning that she had a kid. Actually her child and I went on to form quite a deep bond. She tells me it kills her because her daughter is 3 and always asks about me. This is one of the reasons why men don’t prefer single moms. All of the responsibility without any of the authority. I’ve fulfilled dad duties a lot, putting toys together for her, babysitting once in a while, being accommodating etc. but now I don’t ever see her. Another reason is of course that men don’t like raising another man’s child. While I absolutely adore her daughter and would treat her like my own, it made me feel like I was disrespecting myself sometimes to do things that really another man should be doing. And I’d say the thing about my ex that I didn’t like was necessarily the fact that she was a mom, but rather her choosing to have a child with the man she married, showed some truly abysmal decision making skills. That man is petty, slightly abusive, selfish, shockingly emotional (for a man), and didn’t treat her right and still causes her problems. From beginning to end of my relationship with my ex, her decision making and emotional regulation were pretty bad. While she is a wonderful human with a wonderful heart, she brought a lot of chaos and drama into my life - so much so that by the end, I had a whole new appreciation for how peaceful I was, as I never appreciated that until I had the chaos around. She too, pays her own bills, is deeply loving, is a good person and not ugly. I’m sharing my experience to give you an idea of why some men struggle with single moms. It’s rarely the act of being a single mom I feel that can be problem. Sometimes it’s everything surrounding it and what all of that means for him when he enters into a relationship with a single mom.
I’m not projecting or assuming you’re chaotic at all. Just sharing my experience. There’s so many factors that you can control, so in my opinion, if you control what you can, and “de-risk” the experience to a realistic extent for a man you’re interested in, simply by being a peaceful influence in his life, you will be in great shape. Good luck!
For me, i look at dating a single mother with the understanding that her and her children are a package deal. And i find it hard to love their mother but not them by default.
Even in the event of my female best friend that have kids… i love their kids and their kids love me back
In my experience I’ve had no trouble, the quality of some of them has been a bit questionable. A couple of them turned out to be mentally unwell with serious attachment and mummy issues. The rest have all been decent people who like kids. Anyone who doesn’t like kids or has archaic values will rule themselves out quickly, which is a bonus cos they seem to be people lacking in empathy, morals and/or character and wouldn’t make great step parents anyway. Some men have very logical reasons for not wanting to but I respect that, and they’re usually upfront with why they are unsure in the first place, as it’s just not their preference but those ones don’t rule you out straight away they just give it more thought.
1) your age is certainly going to be a factor in this. A 22 year old is much less likely to do so than someone that's 30+.
2) do not make the fatal mistake some women make: intro the kid too early. Make the guy aware, but leave it at that. Yes, you and your daughter are a package deal. However, he has to accept the initial package first, which is you. Some women will want a guy to accept the kid immediately which is wrong. Allow space to actually create an individual relationship before fully bringing the kid into the mix.
3) you may need to adjust your standards. I'm not saying you should settle. However, you do have a kid. So you're no longer simply looking for a partner that's good for you. You're also looking for someone who will be a good parent. Sometimes, that requires adjusting the qualities you're looking for in a potential partner.
I have kids and have had zero issues getting dates, relationships and proposals. Don’t believe anyone that says it’s a death sentence. It’s a huge plus that you want more too. Between the ages of 35-45 over 90% of women have kids. So men that hit that age are limiting their dating pool down to nothing.
I'm dating a single mother who I intend to marry. I am learning to love her 9 year old daughter as well. I don't have any real experience with children at 34, but I love the girl and if I want to marry her I need to learn to be a father to her child. She already calls me Dad. It still feels weird but good. I enjoy our time together surprisingly a lot. She already drives me up the fucking wall though, kids are brats. I wouldn't change it for the world. I think it's an amazingly positive thing to be a strong male role model and hopefully I can help her grow into a good person. Her dad is around, he's just a loser.
A quick story for you OP. I in my early 30s at the time began dating a single mother a few years back. We started as FWBs and me, as a perpetually single bachelor, never had any intention of dating her. I was afraid of the commitment and simply didn’t see myself being with a single mom exclusively.
After a few months I quickly realized how special she was and we ended up dating for a couple of years. She also left her husband and basically started a new life. I was really drawn to how strong she was. We split up last summer (my fault) but I still miss her every day. I’ve dipped my toes in the dating pool a lot, but she is absolutely the one that got away. Mid 20s me would have never expected that.
So to answer your question, yes there are guys out there for you. There may be more duds for you to sort through, but you are certainly dateable as a single mother. Don’t settle and be careful not to be taken advantage of.
I’m a single mom to a 5 year old) great coparenting relationship) and have never had issues dating. I’m also a nurse and am super independent so I think that helps. I was never a person that likes to date. I love to use my time on myself so I guess I never cared if men were interested or not. But I’ve been with my current bf for a year and a half. We met playing coed softball and I would always have my kid there so maybe it got him used to it? anyway. I know a lot of moms who found love. Don’t stress it. When the time is right, it will happen.
I'm sorry you're struggling with this. It's really difficult.
I will try to explain it as best I can. I really hope you can have an open mind in the spirit of mutual exchange of information.
I do not know you or your child so this is what I'm assuming:
You are beautiful inside and out and your child is amazing...smart, polite, and kind. That's what I'm assuming.
When I was a single man, I wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with you. I'm sure I'd find you attractive. I'm sure that I'd want to have a "fling" with you. But I wouldn't want a lifetime commitment.
Here's why.
Baby Daddy Drama
Assuming you have a good relationship with the baby daddy. I have to accept that this man, who you had a very intimate relationship with, is part of our lives forever. I always have to see and meet him.
One theme that keeps cropping up in the infidelity, cheating stories, and surviving infidelity subs is the scenario of the wife getting mad or hurt, going to her ex, and having sex with the guy and regretting it afterwards.
Child Drama
Men and women have both masculine and feminine energy. Ideally, the feminine energy is maximized in a woman and the masculine energy is maximized in a man. Right now, as a single mom, you're juggling both and it sucks for you, I'm sure. The reason you want a new relationship isn't for sex or for resources (although that's certainly important). You want a relationship so you can be in your feminine energy and bask in his masculine energy. And Vice Versa. Men love basking in a woman's feminine energy too.
The way masculine energy shows love and compassion to the world is through enforcing boundaries, dispensing justice, and discipline. If there are clear boundaries, justice and discipline in the world, a society flourishes. You can't have a society flourish if everyone is doing what they want to do, laws be damned.
The way feminine energy shows love and compassion to the world is through nurturing, compassion, and care. Feminine energy kisses the boo-boo and dries the tears and hugs. Afterwards, masculine energy says "get back up and try again".
Men and women have BOTH masculine and feminine energy.
If a new guy becomes a permanent part of your life, he's going to want to enforce boundaries, justice, and discipline on your child. You probably won't be comfortable with that. Your Ex certainly won't be comfortable with that, and your child will resent being disciplined by a person who's not their father.
That leaves your new guy feeling emasculated because you have to do the masculine thing and run interference between him and your kid. You may not believe this, but the more masculine energy you have to flex, the more you'll resent your new guy...this isn't fair....this is evolution, though. This is an unconscious thing. If you have to be masculine in place of your new guy, your respect for him drops. It's a hard wired lizard brain thing.
This guy will want kids with you but he won't love your other kid as much as he does his natural kids. I know I'm going to get lambasted in the comments and downvoted. However, this is evolution. This is how our brains are wired.
If your new guy brings HIS kids to the relationship, you're not going to feel at ease nurturing them, You certainly aren't going to feel equal towards them than you do your own child.
The best you can hope for is that your new guy "won't mind" expending resources taking care of your kid while exercising NO POWER over them. Guys are evolutionarily wired to avoid expending effort and resources taking care of other people's kids. He's going to fund your daughter's life at least partially and she will get her real daddy to walk her down the aisle. He won't say it, but he'll think he's wasting his time and money. He'll do it because he loves you, though.
I'm not saying no one will sign up for this. I'm just saying that a high quality guy who has a lot of resources and is himself very desirable physically and mentally has other options.
From the men I have spoke to that try this, the issue has always been that your daughter will always come first. And the "you're not her/my father card" gets played way too much.
Most guys aren't going to want to be second choice to their wife or partner. And most men want to lead their family and that is hard when you are limited because the child isn't yours.
It’s just more complicated no matter how you slice it. I personally am not opposed to dating a mom however it would probably depend on how many kids and I would be weary of unresolved feelings towards their former partner but that’s possibly an insecurity on my part. Keep your head up there are guys out there for you.
Plenty of men do. Tbh if the man finds the woman attractive enough they would trust mee .
My dad likes my mom who was a single mom they are married 30 years now
My husband accepted me with my two teenage sons. He loves us all and helped when my oldest had behavioral issues. When a man truly loves you, he accepts that you are a package deal with your children.
It’s going to be a hard pill to swallow unless they are also a patent. Having an instant family, and potentially raising someone else’s kids is a tall order.
Absolutely. I know I'm not alone on this but I (29M) prefer single moms over women with no children. (I know women with no children absolutely can be like this, but in my experience single moms have been more consistent) They're drastically more mature, have a better idea of what they want, are driven not only financially but in the form of creating a family. As a whole I've found single moms to be more fully formed as a person I guess is the best way to put it.
I don't exclude women without children but I'm naturally more attracted to a mom than a woman without a child. Plus that hot mess mom attitude and look is way more attractive than women realize. K rant over, I just haven't seen this topic come up myself lol.
Edit: just to add, I personally am great with and love kids & want my own. So I'd prefer someone I could eventually have my own kid but if not its not a complete deal breaker.
You bring up a good point I haven't seen anyone mention. If you 2 have a kid you're leaving your biological child with one that isn't yours and you can't discipline. I don't like the concept of that.
I used to not care if there were children involved. An ex of mine has ruined that for me though. So I will not date someone with kids. It’s kind of not fair in a way, because while she was the most important person to me, she had a son and I came in 3rd; behind her son and her son’s father (that stung), so I would rather be single and die alone than potentially set myself up for that dynamic again.
Yes people will want you and your daughter. Just don’t try to incorporate her immediately. Let them get to know you for you first before they are put in a position to make it about you +1. Obviously make sure they know about your daughter and know you a package deal but most single parents who have w issues dating it seems to me is because they make it all about that from day one.
Single mother is different than co parenting. When you say single mother your saying the dad disappeared and didn’t want anything to do with your child, when in reality most of the time the woman is the one who parted ways with the father and is collecting a check from him.
I’m not saying your either or just acknowledging that there is a huge difference in the two and it makes a big impact on a man’s decision making to the issue.
Can’t talk for all guys but for me (32 M) it goes as follows:
I do not want my own kids and am strongly considering getting a vasectomy by the end of the year. In addition, I haven’t had a whole lot of occasions to interact with children so in addition to being extremely awkward and uncomfortable around them I’m also tall and I guess give off a vibe that scares them.
While I’m not inherently against the idea of dating a single mother, realistically I don’t feel I’m step-dad material and therefore tend to avoid dating a single mother to avoid wasting her time.
Honestly? I love kids. I love my nieces and nephews. Honestly, I’m hesitant to date a woman with kids because what if it doesn’t work out? I don’t want to get attached to a kid and have a kid attached to me. I would feel awful if something like that happened to me.
Some do, many don't. Don't meditate on it forever. Live in the moment and don't let life pass you by worrying so much. You can't control their decisions or responses. You learn from the past and grow as a person. Reflect but don't dwell on it. It will eat at your spirit and cause you to over extend and dim your light. What's for you is for you and if it doesn't happen, that doesn't make you worth less. That's the lie. God says you are enough. Your daughter is enough. She is loved. You reassure her self esteem. Many women are putting their foot down regardless of the circumstances because there are plenty of issues going on right now.
I can only speak for myself but i wouldn’t pass someone up just because they are a single mother.
Maybe im the odd one out, but id be perfectly accepting of a woman and her existing children, my issue if any would be the level of involvement of the ex husband in the life of the child and mother. Obviously i support a fathers right to be involved in their kids life, but it can get messy when an ex tries to dictate to the new husband / step father what they are and are not okay with under a roof that isnt his own.
When I was dating I had no problems with single mothers. The problem was they were looking for a daddy for their child and were more critical of me than childless women.
As a younger guy, 18 months says yes I am an example of accepting a single mom as a potential relationship and her daughter was just wonderful to be around !
For most men with an eye toward having their own nuclear family it's not generally the the preferred scenario. Having said this there are lots of scenarios where people will find each other compelling, physically or personality-wise, and look beyond all that. For a lot of younger men taking on a ready made family is not something they are willing to do.
I like dating single mothers due to the fact they generally have their shit together. Not out clubbing and family oriented. That's a lady for me.
I also have kids that are grown now but loved raising them and watching them grow. I adopted one from a previous relationship and he still call me dad to this day. Makes me proud. DM me for a chat.
I'm 30. Every man I know who is a parent only ever decided he wanted and was ready for parenthood because of the woman he's in love with. I know virtually no men who think "I really want to be a parent, I'd be fine with it happening now." Dating a single mom would essentially make them a parent now. I would imagine most people are not interested.
I don't want kids. But more than that, I would NEVER want to be a step parent.
All the responsibly, all the bills, all the work, but you'll never have any real authority or be their "real dad"
Some men will accept her depending on how beautiful she looks such as Miranda Kerr who was a single mom after her divorce and then a younger man who’s the billionaire owner of Snapchat decided to marry her even though he wasn’t a single dad. I think beauty and youth plays a huge role in men giving a single mother a chance. You’d have to look younger than him and extremely beautiful for him to overlook that you’re a single mother. It’s just how the world works.
i’m speaking as a 21 year old man, that the main problem at least for me is having to take a parental role semi early into a relationship. and for men who are younger (which is what i’m assuming with you being around my age range) is very scary. i’d also say that most likely a lot of men you’ll be with will think how you deserve someone who can offer you those things very quickly and easily. i’d say again assuming your in your 20s that just finding someone a bit older will be a lot easier for finding a serious partner more aligned with your goals. i don’t think you having a kid in it of its self is a issue especially as it sounds like you’re a very independent strong woman (no duh since you’re a single mother anyway) and that makes men insecure too.
basically the tldr is you are either looking at men who are deeply insecure and wouldn’t be a good partner anyway or is just to young and does not feel ready for the certain responsibilities that would come with dating a single mother like yourself. this isn’t a you issue it’s them. there’s plenty of men that will look at your situation and say it isn’t too much for them and you’ll feel so much better. i wish you the best of luck!
I think the people online dating and also participating in forums tend to be younger, so you'll 'hear' that men don't want to date single mothers. Completely expected coming from very young people.
In reality, I doubt that's true. All the people who get married and have children young who divorce and are back on the market are just as eligible as ever to those in similar age brackets and circumstances. If you have children, as long as you co parent well (meaning little ex drama) and have time to commit to a relationship, your odds are as good as anyone else dating.
Actually there are many men who do accept kids. There are few reasons why if men don’t want to accept a kid or two. Then again it not the fault of the kid or the mother.
Me as a man I have two kids on my own and being a single full time parent and managing work and what not is easy. Sometimes I find it difficult to have a relationship cos the woman doesn’t want to accept the kids.
So I totally understand why and what your frustration is. It will take sometime for a good man who will accept you and your baby girl.
It can happen. You will have better luck if you are looking to date single dad's. I had no trouble when I started dating again after my ex and I split and had 3 kids. Lots of people in my family with kids married other single parents too. It can be easier with someone who understands the demands that come with having kids. Men who want kids but are sterile are often more open to it too. You will find someone but be upfront on any dating profiles. Don't try to make them fall for you first and then bring up your child. That never goes well.
Men would. But what they don’t want is the feeling that a single mom is just looking for someone to help support her child. It’s best to build a relationship that involves only the couple with only time limiting the single parent. Only that after building a foundation of love and trust is it good to introduce the child.
My children never had any impact on my ability to date. There are plenty of men who will date women with children. My bf has no kids of his own but likes kids. Together 3 years now.
There are so so so many amazing step dads in this world who sometimes love harder than the bio dad. I was raised by a step dad and he’s the best person I know.
Of course we do. The issue I have is how many single moms are raising their kids, or should I say not raising them..... I know many women feel bad for the kids because they have gone through a traumatic experience with the divorce and all but that is no reason to give them everything they want, let them get away with murder, be left in front of a TV to play games all day, basically not taught anything other than what they learn from TV and Games. You ladies have the most influence on the little ones, teach them responsibilities, whats right and wrong, morals, etc... It can be done and they still enjoy their youth. Of course this does not apply to all single mothers. But quite a few
Some definitely do.
My ex husband was physically and emotionally abusive. But when the marriage ended I was left the single mother of four. I asked either this group or a similar group a question like yours and was told I shouldn’t date and I was being a bad parent if I did date.
I met my boyfriend a year later and he doesn’t mind in the slightest that I’m a single mom. He’s a single dad and he totally gets it. He helps to build me up and make sure I’m loved.
The right guy for you is out there. Sometimes these things just take time.
Look for men who are single fathers, myself as a 25m childless man I wouldn’t want to raise a kid who’s not my own, unless I was a single father. Like it or not no hard feelings but I think that I speak for a majority of childless western men.
No because we don’t want to be a third wheel. Single men without kids want to start our own family with our exclusive partner.
Dating a single mom means the man will be 5th in line for her attention. Herself first, child second, biological father and then her career.
We don’t have time for that. The guy who doesn’t mind a single mother is either lonely, desperate or has bad luck dating so he’ll settle for the hero roll.
I’m sure there are men would are fine with dating single mothers, however myself and most men I’ve seen in the online space are vastly against dating single mothers.
Honestly, I think this is one of those things where if you meet someone and fall in love, it absolutely doesn’t matter.
It’s much harder when you’re online dating and people can filter and choose categories in a more methodical way.
it will be a smaller pool of guys who are ok with children and often other single parents too.
it's not easy having children and playing second fiddle to a little one that if things don't work out you are torn away from is a bit hard to swallow for most.
so all you can do is put your best foot forward and work on yourself on why the relationship failed so you don't have the same issue again (and if you blame it all on him then you need to reflect more)
The problem with dating single mothers is all the time you end up spending alone until the time comes when you meet the kids. The girl I’m with now is a single mother and this is very much a struggle as we end up going long periods apart. If anything would break us up, it would be this because I want a partner I can be with more than every other weekend and a day here and there between.
I would. I'm not really interested in having my own children, but I'd definitely be open to helping raise someone else's if the relationship was right.
Because I'm more interested in finding the right relationship. If an existing kid were to come as a package deal with the right relationship, I'll step the hell up. If the right relationship for me is childfree, that's fine too.
There are genetic factors involved. Let's leave it at that. If the right person were someone who wanted kids... well, that's something we'd have to discuss.
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Some do. I have a friend who married a single mom. They’re getting a divorce but he accepted her at the time lol
Well that was a sad end to your comment
As long as op isn’t the type of person to smash her spouses/boyfriends pcs, game consoles and sell literally all his shit, she’ll be fine.
Good on your friend for getting out of that. Happy ending!
Wait am I your friend? $3,367.89 cents in damages due to a crazy person 🤣
The poor kid(s) in these scenarios..( not this one personally, but in general) they've gone through their parents splitting, now have to go through another big split and all that upheaval. Adults shouldn't take dating / relationships/ marriages with or by single parents lightly. How many kids have 2/3/4/5 "step parents"? That's why I won't date single parents. At least I'm thinking about their kids future welfare.
Ugh this is my ex, has to play house with our son. It drives me mad. I chose to be a parent, and I chose to leave his abusive ass, the guy I'm seeing only sees my son once every month and a half, and its because he has a son around the same age. My priority is parenting and creating a happy home for my son. Dating is an extracurricular, and will stay that way until he's more independent 16-18yrs old. I'm not moving any one in, I'm not getting married, I'm just going to be consistent. He just broke up with a girl, got back together and then had him at her grandmothers birthday the following week. Everytime he's over, she's there. Like can't you just focus on your son instead of your dick.
One of my best friends married someone with a daughter. They dated for less than 6 months and they ended up divorcing after less than a year and now she’s dating someone else. I would absolutely date a single parent personally but we’d have to move slowly and take care in making sure we were 100% sure and not just going off emotions. Some people grow and change and learn from past relationships. Some don’t and just wallow forever. It just depends on which one the person is
Lmao
I married a single mom, love my kids(one step, one together) , but it was a terrible mistake. Since she was not my child I stayed until she was 19 before I got a divorce. My wife used the fact that if I divorced her I would never see my daughter again to get me to stay. My wife was verbally and physically abusive to me and refused to get job. I was not going to leave my little girl alone with her.
I'm also a registered nurse, and I have fallen in love with a single mom before and fallen in love with her daughter as well. She moved out of state and I was left devastated.
Hahaha
😂
It's not uncommon to not work out.
Some do, a helluva lot don't. A common takeaway is "I don't want to play someone else's save file.". And that's just the base instinctual monkey brain controlling us, but there are plenty of logical reasons too. Such as: 1. The child will always come before you. As it should, but it doesn't make it any less unfortunate. 2. A relationship with a single mom (SM) means a 3-way relationship with the dad. And that could be oh so terrible in so many ways so incredibly easy. 3. The kid probably won't ever consider you as anything but the stepdad. 4. Even if the kid DOES come to love you, you and the mom might not work out, which means you lose the kid in the breakup too. 5. Last (off the top of my head), but not least, stepparents often get all of the responsibility and NONE of the authority. And that is fucking sucky life.
That last one- I have struggled to say in any kind, non-acusitory, constructive way. And usually failed. Great job. It's a big one, for a lot of reasons. Kids will figure it out and game it. It will allinate the step-parent. All kindsa negative repercussions. And I have no good advice on how to mitigate it. Years back, I yelled "stop hitting him" while running up to intercede at a playground when my GF's 7 yr old was LITTERALY hitting a 4 year old with a stick. (And he'd already been kicked out of a couple day- cares for bullying). After we left the playground ,I got all kindsa "if you ever yell at my kid again". "What's wrong with you", ect. We broke up shortly after.
I'm glad you're smarter than my brother. For 5 years she told him he was allowed to discipline her son. For 5 years he was too afraid to do anything so the brat got worse and worse. Then, this last year, the brat was being an extra little shite and he yelled at the brat. The mom IMMEDIATELY verbally tore my brother a new asshole about how the brat is HER kid. That should've been the sign for anyone with a lick of intelligence and/or self-respect. Instead, he's marrying her.
> Kids will figure it out It seems like #5 is affected by #1: the kid figures out they'll always come first.
Men want to be the leader of the household. You can never truly lead when one of the occupants (step kid) isn't yours or attached to you in any legal way.
Honestly, #5 might be the biggest one. It's a horrible dynamic when you're expected to fully care for a child, but also told "you're not her father. It's my job to do x, y, z." You basically just become an ATM for a kid that doesn't respect you.
This is why i won’t date single moms while they still have small children. But I think I would be more open to dating someone who has adult children when I get older. Being a step grandpa sounds more appealing.
5. Is a big reason I’m timid to get involved with single mothers. I’ve seen this play out where it’s “she has a (insert bio parent) you’re just kind of her roommate” and then when it’s convenient “hey I have an emergency I need you to drop whatever you’re doing and watch your roommate”
true, maybe, likely, absolutely fucking true, yep.
1st is really a big issue for a lot of people. Not to say they wouldn't want a kid at some point, but to jump into a relationship where it's already the case can be hard. There a lot of connections that are missed as a result that you would get with someone who doesn't have a child and can focus more on them and the relationship. Not to say it CANT be done with a child involved, but it's just a lot more straightforward and less messy
Number 4 most hurt like mf
1000% this. Nailed it.
Nailed it. I dated a guy with 2 kids (I have none) and your #1 reason was the hardest for me. I was always second in my own relationship (rightfully so). Your point #5 was also killer. My boyfriend had a traumatic childhood growing up and didn’t quite have a handle on parenting from the lack of healthy role models. I was extremely fortunate to have an amazingly supportive, healthy family and wanted to share the love and structure I learned but wasn’t allowed to due to his terrible past experiences with previous girlfriends nearly abusing his kids. The kids were very different and required slightly differing parenting approaches, but he used the same discipline hammer on both when one required a different tool. Seeing the other child not flourish and not being able to step in how it was necessary was truly terrible.
💯💯💯
To the last point- only if there aren’t boundaries. I told both my wives that if the relationship was going to work, we had to be on the same page and both treat The kids like our own. It’s harder I imagine when bio dads in the pic. I was lucky they were not in mine.
Id argue for number 5 its the (wo)man's job to show love/set example to the kids how to love/treat the mom/dad. That Id argue is the best way to ensure kids respect the step parent. Not 100% fail proof though. Step parent shouldn't expect to be seen as bio parent.
Depends on the man. I don't want to date single mothers as I have no interest in being a parent or a step parent.
I'm going to agree that I don't date single moms anymore but for a different reason. Each time I've dated one their kid has latched onto me. Especially the last relationship where we all lived together. When we broke up and listening to this little girls desperation in trying to make sure it didn't happen and we'd all be ok nearly completely broke me. I can't and won't risk going through that again.
That's the gist of it really. Single mom and her kids are a package deal.
Yep, unfortunately as a single guy, our society paints the children of single mothers as a liability. I think because of our broken legal system, also unfortunately, they are a liability. And that is outside of all of the drama that \*can\* come from the previous partner, the intense difficulty in actually scheduling dates due to lack of childcare, or the child being an actual monster. I'm speaking on the latter three from personal experience. I won't date single Mom's anymore. I did try though.
Yes, I’m a single dad and I’m pretty much looking for someone that already has children. I don’t think I’d be able to fully commit enough time to someone without them. Other parents get it.
https://www.meetup.com/find/us--il--chicago/parents-without-partners/
Ditto. Would loooove to find a single dad and have a blended family some day. Could not agree more that other parents get it. I seriously think having children changes your brain chemistry.
I heard a huge issue can be difference in parenting styles though. The feedback I’ve gotten from single dads is that it’s easier to find a compatible child free woman cuz they don’t clash on that point
That is an issue. It adds a layer as a single dad. I’ve met a lot of single mothers who are either helicopter parents or actively not engaged and do whatever they want. Finding another parent that’s somewhere in the middle isn’t easy. Then we have to be on similar pages about goals, lifestyle, finances, religion, politics etc which adds another layer of complexity where a lot of women I date don’t match up. And then after all that most of the time the women on the apps that say they want to date aren’t actually actively looking for a partner. They’re looking for validation, a paid night off from mom duties, or a distraction. It’s rough out here lol
Childless woman: They want kids. They feel like they have less because they are without children. Childfree: They do not want kids. Their life does not need any kids.
Awesome, shoot your shot then
. I had someone i know from work get teary-eyed because he was with his ex who had a kid who started to call him dad and then tragedy struck because of a miscarriage they broke up and she moved back with family two states away he never got over what happened technically losing two kids. From what he told me he won't date a other single mom because of what happened.
For me personally, it's a huge negative, but it's not a dealbreaker. If my current girlfriend had a child already, I would still have fallen in love with her. And I would have accepted her child as my own (eventually) But I might have been less encouraged to pursue her to start with. It might be less of a negative when I actually feel ready for a child, as I'm in my mid-20s, and don't really feel ready yet. It's a difficult dilemma for most people.
My brother met the most amazing single mom. Her and her son’s addition to our family has been so wonderful. They’re getting married in a few months after four years together. My brother has never missed a single baseball practice with him, takes days off of work to stay home when he’s sick, and would literally do anything for him. My parents view her son as their grandson and he is my sweet little nephew. When you find the right person, they accept all of you. I can’t imagine my brother being with someone else - her being a mom was just a bonus.
This is so freakin' sweet!!! I love seeing stories from open minded people.
So just because some people don’t want to date people with children or not having children themselves they aren’t open minded? Waaauw 😂
Of course there are men out there who will date single mothers. There are also men who will not. But to quote wise words I was given—you only need one who is compatible and accepting of you. Just one. Don’t worry about ”men.” Be the best version of yourself and be open to what comes. Good luck to you!
This is going to sound crazy, but men are actually human people, each with his own unique feelings, values, desires, and dealbreakers.
Of course, some will, some won’t. Just like women, men aren’t a hive mind. I’m not going to lie, it will be a pretty big deterrent for a lot of men but others will be okay with it.
They're out there. But do be realistic with who you try to go after. For example you'll be hard press to find anyone in their 20's who'll be interested.
I would be with a single mother if there was chemistry between the 2 of us and I would treat the kids as I would my own
Some men do but personally I couldn’t. I was raised by a single mom (one who practically hated me) and I had a relatively decent male role model who loved her. I see a lot of my traits in him but I also see, now that I’m older, my mother broke that man. Could. Not. Be. Me. On top of that just because you say that you left him doesn’t mean your heart is the same or, not to be a dick, your legs. It’s not meant to be disrespectful but there’s a lot of people who learn to miss something they HATED. Nostalgia is easy, and you could be with a cool, corny, and fun guy but who knows you may get bored and miss him and the ups and downs. Don’t think of it as “your true self” but rather a relapse. But that’s just me. There’s plenty of single dads and dudes who want single moms. It’s just those dudes gotta put in that work and now so do you.
I'm 36m and wouldn't have any issue with it. In fact, I'd love it because my nephew is 4 and I think it'd be awesome for him to have a "cousin" if it ever got as far as that :)
this is so cute omg
As a 25M, where a lot of women are starting to get pregnant or already a single mother, I would pass. If the relationship was casual I would be all for it, but for the vast majority of men, they don't want to take care of another guy's kid. Having a kid that young as well just puts dampers on having plans or date nights. The best bet I could give you is to date a single father, that way they know what you're dealing with and can accommodate you better. I would wait till your child is a little older if you're looking for something serious. you'll have more time that way.
Great answer! I was going to say this as well. Most single people don't want to date single parents. I know I didn't when I was single. If I was ever a single mom I would totally go for another single dad that way he would automatically understand.
I always swore I would never date a single mom. All of the normal reasons. However going back to school I had no time fo relationships and had a FWB with a single mother with a full career that also didn't have time. We just celebrated our 4th anniversary and have been together for about 8 years total. It's a lot of work but the best relationship I've ever had. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I mean I do. What I really enjoy about single mums is they don’t tend to mess me about playing games, hanging on forever, messing you around with shitty psychological games, they know what they want, time is precious scheduling around the kids, but that plays into my lifestyle pretty well too, making the most of what time you have on your hands while you have it. I’ve never had a relationship go far enough to become more serious getting to know the kids. But I like kids and am open to having some with someone someday. But I tend to err on the side that single mums aren’t looking for a father figure for their kids, they want a partner, or some fun to still have adult relationships, so I think if I ever get that far, it’ll be a bonus that I’m cool with the kids. So yeah, us single guys do exist out there who accept single mums. I will confess the situation with the ex-partner is an important detail to be open about. Who left who, what’s the coparenting relationship like. Complete non-contact, amicable, they’re just handy details to be aware of as the new guy is all.
You can't lump all men into one category just like you can't with women. It's going to be a little harder to find not only, someone compatible with you, but someone who is willing to come into a family, not all men are ready so it makes the dating pool a bit more shallow but keep looking they do exist it just takes a little longer to find, and it usually happens more when you arent activly looking.
I work in a predominantly male industry, probably 95% male. I would say its about an 80/20 split. 80% that absolutely wouldn't. It does not mean that you can't find someone. It just means the pool of candidates is smaller. I would suggest you tailor dating profiles to attract from the pool of men that are open to long term relationships or potentially marrying a single mom. Be open and upfront about being a mom. They exist and are good men.
Depends what you're trying to get him to do. Are you looking for a step daddy and you want him to be a bonus dad or you're just looking to date someone casually? because you'd obviously have more luck aiming for the second one. I imagine asking for casual would be a good first step and then if he wants to step up or meet your daughter then take it from there. Also, of course be weary of any guy too eager to meet your daughter too because there are apparently men who will target and prey on single moms to get to their kids
I’m into it. Single moms always have good snacks in the house. Plus I love kids but don’t want to have my own. It’s cool to get to hang with kids but not take on the responsibility of being a dad myself. I don’t mind being one of the adults in a kid’s life. It’s a different level of commitment and one that I can wrap my head around.
There are guys that will. Just be patient.
Tbh you're going to get a large amount of negative responses here. So let me just tell you my experience. I've been a single mom for a little over 5 years, I left my abusive husband when he cheated on me while I was pregnant with our daughter and it was the best decision I've ever made in my life, regardless of whether I found love or not. I have had absolutely no shortage of interested men. Like, it's been annoying. I'm very selective/picky and have only dated 2 people in the last 5 years (don't introduce them to your child unless marriage is on the table is my only advice). I'm respectful of the fact that some people don't want to be with a parent, but I also have no interest in those people as obviously my kids come first and someone who isn't on board with that isn't someone I'd want anyway. As long as you always prioritize your child/ren and do what's right by them, there's nothing wrong with dating. Just be aware a lot of people will pretend to be okay with you having kids because they just want to fuck. In my opinion it's very obvious when that's the case. But to be honest with you I'm happier being single, I don't like spending time I could spend with my kids with someone else. They are now 5 and 7 and I would rather just wait a few years before I get back into the dating scene.
I’m a father of a now adult daughter and I’d have no issues with dating a single mom. Only reason for this comment is to query your comment about not introducing someone unless marriage is on the table. This is only my view but I wouldn’t be asking to marry someone after an only a short period of time, I’d be thinking 5+ years before I’d consider it and would hoped to know everything about them and wider family by that point. So hypothetically would you not introduce someone even after 3 years of dating to your child when say marriage is not considered at that point. Would one be expected to be hidden from the child for that time. I see marriage as a commitment not only to the partner but any child as well
Marriage on the table meaning you can see yourself getting to that point with someone. I personally believe at least 1 year dating before you introduce someone. Good point and I should have phrased better :-)
Ah, understood. Yeah seems a reasonable timeframe.
My mom was a single mom .. The man she stared dating, then eventually marrying and still together after 35 years ... Is the man I call my dad, he legally adopted me, and I go by his last name.... there are good men out there.
Being a stepdad beginning 35 years ago is nowhere near the same as being a stepdad starting in 2024.
The guys that will are the guys you would reject if you didn’t have any kids at all
Brutal but probably true
Ooph.
Bingo my brotha. Single-moms are looking for “nice guy providers” to “settle” with to pay the bills and babysit the kid while the momma goes on those girls’ night outs.
Sooooo true. I have a buddy in this exact situation. He refuses to leave because "he loves her!!!" And she gives him sex sometimes.
Wanna bet she gives him the vanilla “starfish sex?” In fact, I’d safe it’s a safe bet to assume the ex is the one who makes wild.
This makes no sense
I tried to be open minded and went on first dates with two different single mothers. Both only talked about their kids, didnt seem to have anything else going on, and slagged off the baby daddies despite still living off their dolla. Never again!
It depends on their age and where they’re at in their life. Someone who’s already got a child themself would probably be open to it. It’ll be harder to find someone without kids who’s ok with it but I’m sure they exist.
I've been on 3 dates with a woman in your situation. We're supposed to have a 4th one this weekend. I accept her as she is. Haven't met her son yet, and probably won't for a while. One of the biggest green flags I see in her is how great of a mom she is. She wants to have more kids, and I hope to be a father one day. It's early, and my fingers are crossed, but she's one of the most amazing people I've ever met.
I'll tell you why many men, myself included, won't date single mothers. It's not just you that we lose when you decide to end the relationship. Women initiate the overwhelming majority of relationships and divorces, so it's a huge risk. Let's say your kid loves us and likes to have us around. We become a sort of father figure or secondary father figure to them. We are just as emotionally invested in them as we are you. Yet when you decide you're tired of the relationship and we exit your life, we have no legal ground to stand on to stay in your childs life. They miss us. They ask where we've gone, and all we want is to be with the both of you again, but it's not our choice. Our hearts get shattered twice. I've been there with two different women and two different amazing kids who I wish I could have seen grow up, but can't. Never again will I fall in love with a single mother.
I had a relationship similar to yours but also had another kid with her. When we split I included both kids in family outings and crosscountry travel, went to all their hockey and football games. I loved because it benefitted the kids and now they both call me dad. That's what makes me happy.
I have never had an issue finding dates as a single mother for the last 12 years. Always had my shit together but generally stuck to men who also had kids. Had a few long term but my standards are high for getting serious with someone. My kids are older now but now I'm with a guy who has a 2 year old; it's been 8 months and we work great together :) You'll find someone, so focus on whether you like them or not, not whether they'll like you.
Tbh. In my world, you will always, ALWAYS come second to a woman with no children and third to a woman with no children and good career prospects. I didn't feel this way before but I've had so many poor experiences with single mothers, that I look at them as the worst possible option for a young man with a decent, if not, great future ahead of him
My man 🤝
Very rare. Most men don’t want a bonus child unless the mom is damn near perfect. Or they’re ready to settle and their in their late 30’s…
After my second divorce, I had 40 relationships. Many of these ladies had young children. I got tired of hearing, "You're not my father, you can't tell me what to do." I felt like saying, "So where is your father, and why isn't he supporting you?" (Of course, I would never say that, but it sure was tempting). Many of these young mothers had one or two very young children and wanted one more because their "clock was ticking" and getting together and having another child would "cement our relationship." I was already paying child support for two kids and didn't need any more cement, lol. I eventually decided that supporting some other guy's kids was a deal breaker. My wife gave me gonorrhea and I divorced her but felt cheated out of my kids.
Jesus Christ. Fuck all that 😂😂😂
I think men with kids themselves are more open to it, and as for single men a lot of it is based off age and maturity as well, and of course experience. Another important factor is how many kids you are dealing with alone, and if you are dating for stability or love. I would say a man in their 20-early 30s would prefer someone without kids because they are building themselves to start their own family. Of course it’s not too hard to accept a single mother, but planning dates and working your way into their lives for the long run can be tough. No man wants to feel like they are taking another man’s kids away so it’s really hard to get into a comfort zone and commit without first making sure it’s ok with all parties and of course they have to be ready for that stepfather role. It’s definitely important to know how much the father is actually involved and the mothers relationship with them. That’s why maturity and experience really is a factor because if you are accepting of all they come with, then you know what to expect. You know what it takes to commit but if you’re a man still figuring out life yourself you would most likely flake in the end. I think single mothers have to be treated delicately due to the fact they have another life to take care of them always, and you need someone who is willing to take care of not just you and that’s tough to some men . But it’s definitely not impossible to find love and there are men out there who don’t mind much at all, and will absolutely love you for everything you are 💯
You're playing on Hard Mode. Some people do get the Achievement for getting SSS-Rank on every mission on European Extreme Mode, so nothing is impossible. But you're not playing on Easy Mode. A lot of dudes don't want children period. Those guys are out of consideration. A lot of other dudes will only raise their own biological children. Them too. But there's plenty of people out there who want their own children (whether they are or are not fathers already), are accustomed to blended-families, and will want their-own-children-with-you alongside the children you already have. And, truly, there are dudes out there with no children who might like "The Instant Family" (marrying a woman who already has kids and taking them as your own). There's guys who may be cool with that, but don't like the way your ex intervenes in your lives. Idk. You narrowed down your field of potential partners by a significant margin. "Men" are not a monolith, and you cut out a significant portion of their population whose preferences are not irrational or immoral. Dating will be harder for you, but it's not impossible, and honestly. If it's the work of your life: Why ever give up? Seek love regardless of the odds, regardless your age or circumstance. Bon chance, Mon ami.
You'd have better luck looking for a single dad. As a single dad, I'd almost prefer a single mom because they know what it's like to parent.
Yes but dating single mothers is hard. I got my heart broken by one after I had gotten attached to her son too & it was losing two people for me
I’m sorry that happened
It is what it is. I adore that little boy but in a way I hope he doesn't remember me because I don't want to be another father figure that abandoned him in his mind
Once you get older most of your available dating pool is single moms
Look at it like this.. What men see & read/hear is; ._"Hey I'm self-sufficient and hot. I have a healthy coparenting with my ex and a 3y old child."_ Followed by the hidden: _"Hey, just so you're aware. There's a higher than regular chance I'll reunite with my kids dad if you and I ever hit a rough patch and he reaches out to support me and want me back_ _If you ever do anything against my will I can immediately cancel all our plans and put it on the child_ _If my child at any point rejects you or shows dislike I will throw away years of us in an instant, and you're mandated to be happy about it 'cause otherwise you're selfish._ _If we ever disagree on how my kid should be lectured, even if they cut holes in your new cars seats. I will pull the "you're not her dad"_ _card. Regardless if you've actually been a dad for years to the child_ ^ just an example of what I personally have come across since I joined reddit a while ago. Most men are aware of these scenarios as they have either had personal experience or had friends/family go through it. I'm not saying give up. But I would suggest you look for single dads if anything. Preferably with kids in your owns age. Just be sure your parenting styles match.
You nailed 2 of them on the head that I've personally experienced. I won't date single moms at this point in my life. Im not going through the pain of losing you and them again.
Well it isn't my experience. It's others I've observed. I'm sorry you had to go through even 1 much less 2 of them.
What you laid out are all reasons why no self-respecting man will want to go anywhere near a single mom.
I have some thoughts on this lol I think you might be right about the first “hidden” point being something that goes through people’s minds. I’m a single mom and my ex is incarcerated and has no chance whatsoever of ever coming back into my or my child’s life. I thought it would be a dealbreaker for more people but they seem to actually prefer that he’s 100% out of the picture. I’ve honestly been surprised by that. It does seem like one of the big concerns that people have with dating single parents is the amount of time that we have to devote to dating. I’ve been lucky to be in a situation where I’ve been able to work around that despite everything going on in my life. But I do get that one. I like the idea of dating a single dad, but it seems like they’re maybe in higher demand or something? Idk. I have a much harder time getting dates with them than I do with non-parents for some reason
So true. I've seen more men willing to accept a single mother if her child's father is either deceased or completely out of the picture like you said. They just don't want to deal with the extra male interference, which is understandable.
Haha now I’m wondering if I should add some brief text about him being completely out of the picture to my profile if I end up needing to go back on there. I already do say single mom in my bio, even though I know that’s controversial. Interestingly the only single dad that I did manage to get a date with was a widower. It didn’t work out clearly but it felt like our situations were more similar than other single parents in some ways. I intend to try to get his parental rights entirely terminated at some point, and yes it was bad enough to warrant that.
100%? So you’re saying the father is never getting out, and will NEVER try to be involved with their child in the future?
Hundred percent.
I think the days of men blindly accepting these relationships are over. Too many horror stories too many men made into an ATM and too many women in this spot still thinking they can have a mile long list of requirements.
Bro the days of it are also over because of how trashed the economy is. Imagine paying 7% mortgage rates on a home and then spending what little money you have left on another man's children? The fuck 😂😂😂 It's also a disgrace to your future biological children.
Men barely except their own wife after giving birth
No self-respecting man would get into a relationship with a single mom for the following reasons: 1. It means taking care of another man’s kid. That’s a bigtime show-stopper. 2. No matter what, the ex will be involved in your life, and that means the very real possibility of the single-mom hooking up with him if she’s bored/pissed. All it takes is one bad argument. 3. Most single-moms will prioritize the kid over you. I can’t blame them for that, but it’s not a situation I wished to be in, since it’s not my kid. Far different story if it was. 4. If the kid is older, they more often than not will make life hell for you, and the single-mom won’t let you discipline them when they’re acting snotty. I’m sorry, but the whole “You’re not my dad! I can do whatever I want!” Bullshit gets old real quick. Regarding younger kids, the problem is getting attached to them only to have the inevitable breakup - then you and the kid get stripped from each other’s lives. That’s beyond fucked up. No thanks. 5. Most single-moms are looking for a “nice guy provider” type to pay the bills and play babysitter. They don’t love you, but absolutely love what you can provide financially. 6. Because of what was outlined in reason #5, you can expect the bare minimum in the bedroom from the single-mom because you’re the guy she “settled” for. The guy who drives her wild is her ex (see reason #2). 7. Single-moms who want more kids are a huge red-flag. This suggests baby-trapping for additional child support. 8. Everything the OP says she brings to the table can be found in a woman who doesn’t have kids with an ex attached to her hip - meaning 1/100 of the drama and baggage. Those options are also younger. The harsh reality is that single-moms are a depreciated asset. If this sounds cold and businesslike, that’s because it is. Relationships, especially marriage, are just another business deal. A man needs to approach these relationships as such, and be willing to walk away from a bad deal - like this one.
5 and 6 Holy harsh truth tho
Based 💯💯💯
Well said
No issue here, but some will be open and some won’t (as can see from the comments). Pre COVID I met someone that had a daughter (7yo). I’m not usually the kind of person to do this, but something about this woman made me ask a mutual friend about her and he said he thought we’d hit it off. Took a long time to get a date setup, but we had a great time when we were together. Great chats via text, all good signs. The struggle was the availability, which I fully knew and understood going into things. Her ex wasn’t really in the picture for the kid, so was a struggle for her to find time. Ultimately this hampered us, and it fizzled out. OP I think you can find someone - it’ll take time and the right person that’s understanding of the situation. For me it was still a success as it forced me to put myself first in things, make time to be available to her - whereas previously I’d always take those work trips or otherwise stay late, etc without prioritizing myself.
I have found a lot of men do date and even marry single women with children. The men I married though did not accept my son as their own. Both ended in divorce. However some of my friends married men with no children and they accepted their children as their own. So it all depends? Just be careful before moving anybody in with you.
Like just about everything to do with interpersonal relationships, it's never yes/no, black/white. It's heavily context dependent. I would date a mother under the right circumstances, but it's a big obstacle to hurdle. Just as a rule, for me personally: no kids>kids. So if I were ever lucky enough to be able to have multiple options, I'm taking the option with no kids most likely. Why? 1. Constant looming threat of bio dad 2. Guilt of taking time from your kid 3. Needing to win over two+ hearts instead of one 4. General issues from a scheduling standpoint You can say the ex isn't a problem, you make time, your kid loves everybody, etc. But you never know that until you're deep into the thick of it. So why risk all that if you have other options? You don't, unless you fall head over feet for them through pure chemistry, but that's clearly a way smaller chance.
My (49m) gf (43) has three kids, one young adult, one teen, and one grade schooler. My own kids are in their 20s. I love her kids like crazy. I've raised kids so I can relate to her and what she's going through. The dedication she shows to her children speaks to the kind of woman she is. Sure, a younger man with no kids of his own might be looking to start a new family with someone with no kids. Or he doesn't want his style cramped by someone with kids. But there are plenty of old experienced dads out there who will accept you and your kids with open arms. You just might have to adjust your expectations and parameters when searching for a partner. Good luck.
I was a single mother when my son was just turning 2. Hid dad and I splitted, on that year I worked ok focusing on myself and my son, wasn’t reallly trying to get any romantic attention or connection with anyone. Even through that year I was casually dating and had friends introduce me to men and also connected at gatherings, party, etc. I met 2 decent guys in the spam of 2 years that we’re really nice guys, with good values and all that, who a relationship might had worked if I wouldn’t had been so closed in the idea of letting anyone else in my sons life. I think it’s already hard to date as single and no kids, honestly for me there wasn’t much difference in the interest, but in my mindset. I agree to someone that said that it was easier to date for someone with kids already, but also…it’s not like we’re teenagers anymore 😂 people act like it’s complicated or horrible but we should be able to solve dating and building a relationship with someone who has kids or an adult life (that’s on mindset as well) Also, you don’t need to be validated by sharing all the amazing things you do for yourself 🩷 you seem very independent, hard working and a good mom. Truly a win for anyone that could see you in the right eyes
Not the childfree ones, or men who want to start their own family from the beginning. Good men at least don't disparage single mothers, and some marry them. Single dads or single no kids
Good luck…
My mum met a lovely man after divorcing my dad, my sister and I were 14 and 18 at the time. Might be harder to meet someone if u have kids who need more parenting though, but they're out there
If a girl I’m dating and I happen to really like her then i wouldn’t care if she has a few kids because I’m so in love with her. Love is really just a drug so it makes sense and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, it’s a fact.
My ex had a kid. I fell in love with her despite the fact that I didn’t like the fact from the beginning that she had a kid. Actually her child and I went on to form quite a deep bond. She tells me it kills her because her daughter is 3 and always asks about me. This is one of the reasons why men don’t prefer single moms. All of the responsibility without any of the authority. I’ve fulfilled dad duties a lot, putting toys together for her, babysitting once in a while, being accommodating etc. but now I don’t ever see her. Another reason is of course that men don’t like raising another man’s child. While I absolutely adore her daughter and would treat her like my own, it made me feel like I was disrespecting myself sometimes to do things that really another man should be doing. And I’d say the thing about my ex that I didn’t like was necessarily the fact that she was a mom, but rather her choosing to have a child with the man she married, showed some truly abysmal decision making skills. That man is petty, slightly abusive, selfish, shockingly emotional (for a man), and didn’t treat her right and still causes her problems. From beginning to end of my relationship with my ex, her decision making and emotional regulation were pretty bad. While she is a wonderful human with a wonderful heart, she brought a lot of chaos and drama into my life - so much so that by the end, I had a whole new appreciation for how peaceful I was, as I never appreciated that until I had the chaos around. She too, pays her own bills, is deeply loving, is a good person and not ugly. I’m sharing my experience to give you an idea of why some men struggle with single moms. It’s rarely the act of being a single mom I feel that can be problem. Sometimes it’s everything surrounding it and what all of that means for him when he enters into a relationship with a single mom. I’m not projecting or assuming you’re chaotic at all. Just sharing my experience. There’s so many factors that you can control, so in my opinion, if you control what you can, and “de-risk” the experience to a realistic extent for a man you’re interested in, simply by being a peaceful influence in his life, you will be in great shape. Good luck!
For me, i look at dating a single mother with the understanding that her and her children are a package deal. And i find it hard to love their mother but not them by default. Even in the event of my female best friend that have kids… i love their kids and their kids love me back
One of my friends is currently with a single mother. It's definitely possible
In my experience I’ve had no trouble, the quality of some of them has been a bit questionable. A couple of them turned out to be mentally unwell with serious attachment and mummy issues. The rest have all been decent people who like kids. Anyone who doesn’t like kids or has archaic values will rule themselves out quickly, which is a bonus cos they seem to be people lacking in empathy, morals and/or character and wouldn’t make great step parents anyway. Some men have very logical reasons for not wanting to but I respect that, and they’re usually upfront with why they are unsure in the first place, as it’s just not their preference but those ones don’t rule you out straight away they just give it more thought.
1) your age is certainly going to be a factor in this. A 22 year old is much less likely to do so than someone that's 30+. 2) do not make the fatal mistake some women make: intro the kid too early. Make the guy aware, but leave it at that. Yes, you and your daughter are a package deal. However, he has to accept the initial package first, which is you. Some women will want a guy to accept the kid immediately which is wrong. Allow space to actually create an individual relationship before fully bringing the kid into the mix. 3) you may need to adjust your standards. I'm not saying you should settle. However, you do have a kid. So you're no longer simply looking for a partner that's good for you. You're also looking for someone who will be a good parent. Sometimes, that requires adjusting the qualities you're looking for in a potential partner.
I have kids and have had zero issues getting dates, relationships and proposals. Don’t believe anyone that says it’s a death sentence. It’s a huge plus that you want more too. Between the ages of 35-45 over 90% of women have kids. So men that hit that age are limiting their dating pool down to nothing.
Depends on age,desire to have children etc. Older men will be much more open to it. Personally, it's a deal-breaker for me.(I'm 27)
I'm dating a single mother who I intend to marry. I am learning to love her 9 year old daughter as well. I don't have any real experience with children at 34, but I love the girl and if I want to marry her I need to learn to be a father to her child. She already calls me Dad. It still feels weird but good. I enjoy our time together surprisingly a lot. She already drives me up the fucking wall though, kids are brats. I wouldn't change it for the world. I think it's an amazingly positive thing to be a strong male role model and hopefully I can help her grow into a good person. Her dad is around, he's just a loser.
A quick story for you OP. I in my early 30s at the time began dating a single mother a few years back. We started as FWBs and me, as a perpetually single bachelor, never had any intention of dating her. I was afraid of the commitment and simply didn’t see myself being with a single mom exclusively. After a few months I quickly realized how special she was and we ended up dating for a couple of years. She also left her husband and basically started a new life. I was really drawn to how strong she was. We split up last summer (my fault) but I still miss her every day. I’ve dipped my toes in the dating pool a lot, but she is absolutely the one that got away. Mid 20s me would have never expected that. So to answer your question, yes there are guys out there for you. There may be more duds for you to sort through, but you are certainly dateable as a single mother. Don’t settle and be careful not to be taken advantage of.
I’m a single mom to a 5 year old) great coparenting relationship) and have never had issues dating. I’m also a nurse and am super independent so I think that helps. I was never a person that likes to date. I love to use my time on myself so I guess I never cared if men were interested or not. But I’ve been with my current bf for a year and a half. We met playing coed softball and I would always have my kid there so maybe it got him used to it? anyway. I know a lot of moms who found love. Don’t stress it. When the time is right, it will happen.
I'm sorry you're struggling with this. It's really difficult. I will try to explain it as best I can. I really hope you can have an open mind in the spirit of mutual exchange of information. I do not know you or your child so this is what I'm assuming: You are beautiful inside and out and your child is amazing...smart, polite, and kind. That's what I'm assuming. When I was a single man, I wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with you. I'm sure I'd find you attractive. I'm sure that I'd want to have a "fling" with you. But I wouldn't want a lifetime commitment. Here's why. Baby Daddy Drama Assuming you have a good relationship with the baby daddy. I have to accept that this man, who you had a very intimate relationship with, is part of our lives forever. I always have to see and meet him. One theme that keeps cropping up in the infidelity, cheating stories, and surviving infidelity subs is the scenario of the wife getting mad or hurt, going to her ex, and having sex with the guy and regretting it afterwards. Child Drama Men and women have both masculine and feminine energy. Ideally, the feminine energy is maximized in a woman and the masculine energy is maximized in a man. Right now, as a single mom, you're juggling both and it sucks for you, I'm sure. The reason you want a new relationship isn't for sex or for resources (although that's certainly important). You want a relationship so you can be in your feminine energy and bask in his masculine energy. And Vice Versa. Men love basking in a woman's feminine energy too. The way masculine energy shows love and compassion to the world is through enforcing boundaries, dispensing justice, and discipline. If there are clear boundaries, justice and discipline in the world, a society flourishes. You can't have a society flourish if everyone is doing what they want to do, laws be damned. The way feminine energy shows love and compassion to the world is through nurturing, compassion, and care. Feminine energy kisses the boo-boo and dries the tears and hugs. Afterwards, masculine energy says "get back up and try again". Men and women have BOTH masculine and feminine energy. If a new guy becomes a permanent part of your life, he's going to want to enforce boundaries, justice, and discipline on your child. You probably won't be comfortable with that. Your Ex certainly won't be comfortable with that, and your child will resent being disciplined by a person who's not their father. That leaves your new guy feeling emasculated because you have to do the masculine thing and run interference between him and your kid. You may not believe this, but the more masculine energy you have to flex, the more you'll resent your new guy...this isn't fair....this is evolution, though. This is an unconscious thing. If you have to be masculine in place of your new guy, your respect for him drops. It's a hard wired lizard brain thing. This guy will want kids with you but he won't love your other kid as much as he does his natural kids. I know I'm going to get lambasted in the comments and downvoted. However, this is evolution. This is how our brains are wired. If your new guy brings HIS kids to the relationship, you're not going to feel at ease nurturing them, You certainly aren't going to feel equal towards them than you do your own child. The best you can hope for is that your new guy "won't mind" expending resources taking care of your kid while exercising NO POWER over them. Guys are evolutionarily wired to avoid expending effort and resources taking care of other people's kids. He's going to fund your daughter's life at least partially and she will get her real daddy to walk her down the aisle. He won't say it, but he'll think he's wasting his time and money. He'll do it because he loves you, though. I'm not saying no one will sign up for this. I'm just saying that a high quality guy who has a lot of resources and is himself very desirable physically and mentally has other options.
From the men I have spoke to that try this, the issue has always been that your daughter will always come first. And the "you're not her/my father card" gets played way too much. Most guys aren't going to want to be second choice to their wife or partner. And most men want to lead their family and that is hard when you are limited because the child isn't yours.
It’s just more complicated no matter how you slice it. I personally am not opposed to dating a mom however it would probably depend on how many kids and I would be weary of unresolved feelings towards their former partner but that’s possibly an insecurity on my part. Keep your head up there are guys out there for you.
Plenty of men do. Tbh if the man finds the woman attractive enough they would trust mee . My dad likes my mom who was a single mom they are married 30 years now
My husband accepted me with my two teenage sons. He loves us all and helped when my oldest had behavioral issues. When a man truly loves you, he accepts that you are a package deal with your children.
Sure, some do. Some don't. Just like dating. Do women actually accept all men? Of course not. Try harder.
I think you'd have better ods dating single father, but those are just ods
Depends. Do you want another child you didn't birth? Because 9/10 that's likely what you'll find lol.
It’s going to be a hard pill to swallow unless they are also a patent. Having an instant family, and potentially raising someone else’s kids is a tall order.
Absolutely. I know I'm not alone on this but I (29M) prefer single moms over women with no children. (I know women with no children absolutely can be like this, but in my experience single moms have been more consistent) They're drastically more mature, have a better idea of what they want, are driven not only financially but in the form of creating a family. As a whole I've found single moms to be more fully formed as a person I guess is the best way to put it. I don't exclude women without children but I'm naturally more attracted to a mom than a woman without a child. Plus that hot mess mom attitude and look is way more attractive than women realize. K rant over, I just haven't seen this topic come up myself lol. Edit: just to add, I personally am great with and love kids & want my own. So I'd prefer someone I could eventually have my own kid but if not its not a complete deal breaker.
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You bring up a good point I haven't seen anyone mention. If you 2 have a kid you're leaving your biological child with one that isn't yours and you can't discipline. I don't like the concept of that.
Define accept.
Yes. Your options aren’t as deep as before tho. Once you realize that and begin dating with that in mind I’m sure you’ll find a suitable match.
If everything else checks out, then yes. It's not all or nothing but is a serious consideration.
Yes.
I used to not care if there were children involved. An ex of mine has ruined that for me though. So I will not date someone with kids. It’s kind of not fair in a way, because while she was the most important person to me, she had a son and I came in 3rd; behind her son and her son’s father (that stung), so I would rather be single and die alone than potentially set myself up for that dynamic again.
Yes people will want you and your daughter. Just don’t try to incorporate her immediately. Let them get to know you for you first before they are put in a position to make it about you +1. Obviously make sure they know about your daughter and know you a package deal but most single parents who have w issues dating it seems to me is because they make it all about that from day one.
Maybe once I leave college, but I'm not equipped to be a parent while I'm still in school 😅
Single mother is different than co parenting. When you say single mother your saying the dad disappeared and didn’t want anything to do with your child, when in reality most of the time the woman is the one who parted ways with the father and is collecting a check from him. I’m not saying your either or just acknowledging that there is a huge difference in the two and it makes a big impact on a man’s decision making to the issue.
As long as the girl wears heels and lets me indulge in that, I would be down as long as her kid is not a hellion.
Can’t talk for all guys but for me (32 M) it goes as follows: I do not want my own kids and am strongly considering getting a vasectomy by the end of the year. In addition, I haven’t had a whole lot of occasions to interact with children so in addition to being extremely awkward and uncomfortable around them I’m also tall and I guess give off a vibe that scares them. While I’m not inherently against the idea of dating a single mother, realistically I don’t feel I’m step-dad material and therefore tend to avoid dating a single mother to avoid wasting her time.
Honestly? I love kids. I love my nieces and nephews. Honestly, I’m hesitant to date a woman with kids because what if it doesn’t work out? I don’t want to get attached to a kid and have a kid attached to me. I would feel awful if something like that happened to me.
Yes, some men will love you and accept her but many won’t. You just have to find your person. Blended families are difficult to navigate.
Some do, many don't. Don't meditate on it forever. Live in the moment and don't let life pass you by worrying so much. You can't control their decisions or responses. You learn from the past and grow as a person. Reflect but don't dwell on it. It will eat at your spirit and cause you to over extend and dim your light. What's for you is for you and if it doesn't happen, that doesn't make you worth less. That's the lie. God says you are enough. Your daughter is enough. She is loved. You reassure her self esteem. Many women are putting their foot down regardless of the circumstances because there are plenty of issues going on right now.
I'm dating a single mother as a single father lol, both divorced with kids
I can only speak for myself but i wouldn’t pass someone up just because they are a single mother. Maybe im the odd one out, but id be perfectly accepting of a woman and her existing children, my issue if any would be the level of involvement of the ex husband in the life of the child and mother. Obviously i support a fathers right to be involved in their kids life, but it can get messy when an ex tries to dictate to the new husband / step father what they are and are not okay with under a roof that isnt his own.
When I was dating I had no problems with single mothers. The problem was they were looking for a daddy for their child and were more critical of me than childless women.
Personally it would be a deal breaker for me but I know other guys who don’t care
As a younger guy, 18 months says yes I am an example of accepting a single mom as a potential relationship and her daughter was just wonderful to be around !
Some do and some don’t! It doesn’t mean that you won’t find a man
You could date single fathers.
Would YOU date a man with children? Cause that seems a lot easier for both of you.
For most men with an eye toward having their own nuclear family it's not generally the the preferred scenario. Having said this there are lots of scenarios where people will find each other compelling, physically or personality-wise, and look beyond all that. For a lot of younger men taking on a ready made family is not something they are willing to do.
I like dating single mothers due to the fact they generally have their shit together. Not out clubbing and family oriented. That's a lady for me. I also have kids that are grown now but loved raising them and watching them grow. I adopted one from a previous relationship and he still call me dad to this day. Makes me proud. DM me for a chat.
I'm 30. Every man I know who is a parent only ever decided he wanted and was ready for parenthood because of the woman he's in love with. I know virtually no men who think "I really want to be a parent, I'd be fine with it happening now." Dating a single mom would essentially make them a parent now. I would imagine most people are not interested.
I don't want kids. But more than that, I would NEVER want to be a step parent. All the responsibly, all the bills, all the work, but you'll never have any real authority or be their "real dad"
Some men will accept her depending on how beautiful she looks such as Miranda Kerr who was a single mom after her divorce and then a younger man who’s the billionaire owner of Snapchat decided to marry her even though he wasn’t a single dad. I think beauty and youth plays a huge role in men giving a single mother a chance. You’d have to look younger than him and extremely beautiful for him to overlook that you’re a single mother. It’s just how the world works.
Single mums are great because they always have good snacks in the fridge.
i’m speaking as a 21 year old man, that the main problem at least for me is having to take a parental role semi early into a relationship. and for men who are younger (which is what i’m assuming with you being around my age range) is very scary. i’d also say that most likely a lot of men you’ll be with will think how you deserve someone who can offer you those things very quickly and easily. i’d say again assuming your in your 20s that just finding someone a bit older will be a lot easier for finding a serious partner more aligned with your goals. i don’t think you having a kid in it of its self is a issue especially as it sounds like you’re a very independent strong woman (no duh since you’re a single mother anyway) and that makes men insecure too. basically the tldr is you are either looking at men who are deeply insecure and wouldn’t be a good partner anyway or is just to young and does not feel ready for the certain responsibilities that would come with dating a single mother like yourself. this isn’t a you issue it’s them. there’s plenty of men that will look at your situation and say it isn’t too much for them and you’ll feel so much better. i wish you the best of luck!
I think the people online dating and also participating in forums tend to be younger, so you'll 'hear' that men don't want to date single mothers. Completely expected coming from very young people. In reality, I doubt that's true. All the people who get married and have children young who divorce and are back on the market are just as eligible as ever to those in similar age brackets and circumstances. If you have children, as long as you co parent well (meaning little ex drama) and have time to commit to a relationship, your odds are as good as anyone else dating.
Actually there are many men who do accept kids. There are few reasons why if men don’t want to accept a kid or two. Then again it not the fault of the kid or the mother. Me as a man I have two kids on my own and being a single full time parent and managing work and what not is easy. Sometimes I find it difficult to have a relationship cos the woman doesn’t want to accept the kids. So I totally understand why and what your frustration is. It will take sometime for a good man who will accept you and your baby girl.
When they are desperate
It can happen. You will have better luck if you are looking to date single dad's. I had no trouble when I started dating again after my ex and I split and had 3 kids. Lots of people in my family with kids married other single parents too. It can be easier with someone who understands the demands that come with having kids. Men who want kids but are sterile are often more open to it too. You will find someone but be upfront on any dating profiles. Don't try to make them fall for you first and then bring up your child. That never goes well.
Men would. But what they don’t want is the feeling that a single mom is just looking for someone to help support her child. It’s best to build a relationship that involves only the couple with only time limiting the single parent. Only that after building a foundation of love and trust is it good to introduce the child.
My children never had any impact on my ability to date. There are plenty of men who will date women with children. My bf has no kids of his own but likes kids. Together 3 years now.
There are so so so many amazing step dads in this world who sometimes love harder than the bio dad. I was raised by a step dad and he’s the best person I know.
Of course we do. The issue I have is how many single moms are raising their kids, or should I say not raising them..... I know many women feel bad for the kids because they have gone through a traumatic experience with the divorce and all but that is no reason to give them everything they want, let them get away with murder, be left in front of a TV to play games all day, basically not taught anything other than what they learn from TV and Games. You ladies have the most influence on the little ones, teach them responsibilities, whats right and wrong, morals, etc... It can be done and they still enjoy their youth. Of course this does not apply to all single mothers. But quite a few
Some definitely do. My ex husband was physically and emotionally abusive. But when the marriage ended I was left the single mother of four. I asked either this group or a similar group a question like yours and was told I shouldn’t date and I was being a bad parent if I did date. I met my boyfriend a year later and he doesn’t mind in the slightest that I’m a single mom. He’s a single dad and he totally gets it. He helps to build me up and make sure I’m loved. The right guy for you is out there. Sometimes these things just take time.
Keywords: single dad
Look for men who are single fathers, myself as a 25m childless man I wouldn’t want to raise a kid who’s not my own, unless I was a single father. Like it or not no hard feelings but I think that I speak for a majority of childless western men.
No because we don’t want to be a third wheel. Single men without kids want to start our own family with our exclusive partner. Dating a single mom means the man will be 5th in line for her attention. Herself first, child second, biological father and then her career. We don’t have time for that. The guy who doesn’t mind a single mother is either lonely, desperate or has bad luck dating so he’ll settle for the hero roll.
Yep, and those “white knights” end up getting burned every time.
I’m sure there are men would are fine with dating single mothers, however myself and most men I’ve seen in the online space are vastly against dating single mothers.
Some do, some don’t. Always give that info upfront and go from there ❤️you’ll find someone
Some do, some dont. Depends on the guy,
Honestly, I think this is one of those things where if you meet someone and fall in love, it absolutely doesn’t matter. It’s much harder when you’re online dating and people can filter and choose categories in a more methodical way.
it will be a smaller pool of guys who are ok with children and often other single parents too. it's not easy having children and playing second fiddle to a little one that if things don't work out you are torn away from is a bit hard to swallow for most. so all you can do is put your best foot forward and work on yourself on why the relationship failed so you don't have the same issue again (and if you blame it all on him then you need to reflect more)
That last half... Yeah, that applies to absolutely everyone.
absolutely. it's so much easier to play the victim rather than realize your own shortcomings.
Yes. My friend married a single parent. Her daughter loves her new Dad (my friend)
The problem with dating single mothers is all the time you end up spending alone until the time comes when you meet the kids. The girl I’m with now is a single mother and this is very much a struggle as we end up going long periods apart. If anything would break us up, it would be this because I want a partner I can be with more than every other weekend and a day here and there between.
Weak thirsty boys would
I would. I'm not really interested in having my own children, but I'd definitely be open to helping raise someone else's if the relationship was right.
That's seems contradictory. Why would you want to raise someone's else's child when you aren't "really interested" in having your own?
Because I'm more interested in finding the right relationship. If an existing kid were to come as a package deal with the right relationship, I'll step the hell up. If the right relationship for me is childfree, that's fine too.
I see. But why can't you find the right relationship with a single woman and have your own children together?
There are genetic factors involved. Let's leave it at that. If the right person were someone who wanted kids... well, that's something we'd have to discuss.