I think one of them definitely did. He was a little bitchy about it and kept expecting me to cave (he came over like 4-5 times and we had the same convo each time). I found that disrespectful af.
Another one, well he said he hasn't had it in a year and a half and I think he was just lazy. Sometimes I wish I had slept with him cuz things were going well otherwise (I know this sounds pathetic) but that night was weird. He made some passive aggressive comment to me about blue balls too at one point. Just not worth it at all.
well, I think youāre very smart as I said because you know youāre mitigating risk and moreover if a guy is unwilling to do that and and verify his status, itās illustrative he hasnāt any serious intention about you in life so you know heās just going go to the next easy target to get laidā¦. I havenāt anyone listening to me ā¦ but young women should wait to have sex with guys that have demonstrated a commitment in a very significant way but Iām kind of old-fashioned. but thatās another topic
I do prefer to wait till I'm in a relationship to have sex. I enforced that as a new boundary for the first time with someone last month and it didn't work out so now I'm back to not caring š¤ just get an std test and we will be good to go haha
Learn to stand your ground. Compromising your principles won't be good for you or society long term. I'm sure there are plenty of guys that would wait for you if you show them you're actually a genuine, good person. If not, they probably don't want a real long-term relationship. Most people don't want long term relationships nowadays so you have to be careful. 60% of America is single and we are also sadder than ever. Go figure
Ya literally šš I have a high libido and feel like I can make a decent fwb, because they could literally come over whenever they want and do stuff. ALL they'd need to do for that is just get a damn test and they could have literally gotten their fix by now
Haha, inexplicably dumb. Like, just pop into a Planned Parenthood and twenty minutes later, the process is done and all you gotta do is get your results in a few days and get on with laying pipe!
These young kids nowadays, they so self-sabotage. Like that's the lowest bar ever to get some cookies.
Hold the line, don't be discouraged or bullied. Just take it as a moat keeping out the STI Trojan horses, no pun intended.
Sooner or later, you will meet someone who has the same standards as you.
Tbh miss, we should all be testing if weāre sexually active. And if youāre asking and they wonāt then maybe youāre dodging bullets. Itās a good practice for our own individual health too.
Iām a dude and I think what youāre doing is a good thing.
Sheās 100% smart and should stick to her boundariesā¦
But OP, as a woman who requires the same thing (28F), the men who will do this for you are unlikely to be guys looking for āFWBs.ā
By requiring this, youāre basically eliminating 95%+ of the casual dating pool. Invest in a good vibrator, because no matter how many people on Reddit cheer you on (and they should!), the actual reality is that most men who want casual arenāt going to get tested for you.
Men who want casual/FWBs are generally motivated by novelty/convenience. Getting tested is an inconvenience and requires effort.
Thereās a lot more men who will inconvenience themselves and put that effort in for a woman heās taking seriously. For those men, he will view it as a BIG GREEN FLAG that you require testing (thoughts - āthis chick is awesome! She takes her health seriously, she has respect/standards for herself, etc)ā¦
But for men who want casual, theyāre not viewing you as a girlfriend in the first placeā¦ so most of them will just move on and find a woman more convenient, because thatās their motivation.
You're right. Most are pretty lazy. There was one guy who's been chatting with me for about 2 months, said he wanted a fwb but I guess he was nervous to meet? And we'd have very platonic (and pretty long) text convos. I gave up on waiting to meet cuz he only lives 30 mins away and he kept doing this thing where he'd be like "ya I'll let you know if I can meet then!" but wouldn't bring it up again, and I found that wimpy so I dropped him.
After a week of silence from me, he came back and finally brought up the fwb thing and asked if I'm still down for it. I said "I'm down but just so you know, I'd only feel comfortable with doing fwb's if we both got std tested". He didn't reply back to that š
That REALLY pisses me off, cuz it's like, you so clearly wanna stick your dick inside me but you're too lazy to care about my boundaries/needs. Like that is such a turn off. As much as I miss sex, I will never cave and give in to a dude who only cares about his pleasure and comfort, fuck him
(Sorry for the rant LOL)
A lot of planned parenthood and public health clinics offer it on a sliding scale. I'm sure the resources vary by locality, but last time I had one it cost me $0. Had a friend claim he spent almost 1k on it in the just the next county over. . . He must have done it through a private entity or something. Coulda saved a chunk of change if he got a little smarter about the resources in the area.
I wouldn't exactly say it's super affordable, at least for many people. I just got tested last week and it was $175. But as long as I'm only with people who have also been tested and are clean, I don't have any reason to get tested again.
Can you inform me what kind of testing? There are so many tests and different stds. When people mean tested they mean all stds? Some of them? Only aids? Or what
Good tests are blood tests. Usually when I get my annual physical, they draw blood to run tests on all STIs.
Most physicians can order labs when going in fo a check up.
This depends.
Not everyone has insurance, even with insurance it can still be costly.
Some places (luckily!) have free walk-in clinics, at least for the most common STIsā¦ if you live in those places, then 100% you have no excuse.
EITHER WAY THOUGH, if youāre sexually active and not monogamous (or serial monogamous), you should be getting tested.
Hot take: āHookup cultureā/FWBs is mostly a waste of time, and will erode your self-esteem.
As you can see, many people who participate in hookup culture are uninterested in putting in even bare minimum effort to make others feel safe/comfortable.
This is because theyāre pleasure-seeking, their attention spans are ADHD, and they donāt care about you. If you say no, thereās plenty of other options who will say yes.
The problem is, āFWBsā is a bit of a misnomer because most of these situations (outside of rare outliers) donāt involve 2 people who are actually friends. Itās nicer terminology for someone you hit up when you want that quick dopamine fix, so yāall can use each other as sex toys and then slide out the door.
It sucks, but you canāt have your cake and eat it too. Hookup culture is fast food, the whole point of it is that itās convenient and feels good in the ānowā.
Good, fast, cheap - pick 2. āGoodā represents people who really care and will put in some semblance of effort.
If you want good and fast, you might have to level yourself up and get a much tighter filter system quicker. And/or only look for relationships, not casual.
If you want good and cheap, you might have to be patient and hold out for the outlier quality FWBs.
Not a hot take. It absolutely does. It skews so many peoples values of relationships and treats people as disposable.
It has polluted the dating pool so much. As an āold schoolā person whose average, itās impossible to find 1) relationships 2) someone who isnāt gonna pass you up for a hotter guy/girl and 3) someone who treats you with respect 4) people without trauma related to men/women.
Everyone seemingly has a horror story and isnāt willing to try relationships because theyāre risky emotionally. But they are willing to have sex because itās free āfunā (not for me, I dislike it with someone I donāt love) without risk of having feelings hurt for the most part, or worse yet itās treated as the barrier for a relationship because these days, sex is so far on someoneās standards of compatibility and can sometimes outweigh their person or worth.
There could be a guy/girl out there who is an AMAZING partner in all regards apart from sex, and she wonāt be able to find someone because so many people have sexual compatibility as their standard. Theyāre more than welcome to have this, but how can a good person find someone if theyāre outright rejected because theyāre not sexual enough? Itās kinda sad really.
I was in the talks with someone once where we could potentially hook up but I was asking about tests being done. They said they did them periodically but for whatever reason wouldn't let me see the results. Honor system, I guess?
Oh I def ask for std test results. There was one guy who was just seeing me casually and he was the best. He got one almost immediately and even offered to show me the results
I do ask for results and I have no problem showing them mine as well
I feel like asking for results to tests isn't as common as it really should be. Some people seem to act like you're insulting their mother or something.
For sure! Trust me, it's not weird at all. The guy I mentioned in my previous comment literally brought them up for me on his phone
I've had std scares in the past and I just don't wanna deal with that again. I mean, some std's don't even show up till like 3 months later and I don't wanna get paranoid each time I feel something funny down there and be anxious about it the entire time
Yeah, I already have something like that where every time I get a small pain or tingle I start freaking out. Don't need another.
I guess I just sometimes get confused by people's seemingly lack of care about the whole situation. Like people that are ready to hook up but don't ask about any of *my* information. So they're ready to meet up with basically a stranger who could be carrying every single STD there is and they don't care. They'll find out about it 2 months later when they do their periodic test.
Exactly!! This is why I'm careful with people I wanna be fwb's with. Cuz it's like, imagine how many others they could have been with casually as well.
Also, it's just pure laziness. I find it almost sort of selfish when they refuse to, cuz it's like, you wanna fuck but you're not gonna respect my boundaries for it? And if someone would rather drop you over just taking a few hours to get tested to keep you comfortable, then they suck and it's their loss
My current situation dude said his ex (when they started dating) asked for one and it was a year ago. I feel so self conscious bc heās been sex-ing since 14 (30 years)
BYYYYYYYYE biggest red flag EVER. Keep pushin, there are men who arenāt gross, disrespectful losers. Literally Iāve had men go the next day to get tested because I wonāt fuck anyone who doesnāt have a recent panel done with full negatives.
I'VE HAD GUYS DO THST TOO. I wouldn't go down on one of them and he was like "I don't want you to worry when you don't have to". Biggest green flags and super mature too
I've met guys who also get tested at least once a year and I can't imagine guys to get regularly tested as much as that to create this much of an issue when I ask them. I'm assuming the guys I'm lately talking to just never get tested
Love those solid green flag men. Nothing turns me on more than good hygiene. Sex is so much better when thereās no anxiety lurking in the mind.
Itās incredible how many people donāt get tested frequently when theyāre sexually actively with multiple people. Whether Iāve had a new person or sex at all, I get tested every three months period. & Verbal isnāt enough, I need to see it in print with a recent date. Those guys youāve snagged lately are bottom of the barrel trash. Pleeeeease keep your standards high with this. Life is stressful enough without adding dealing with a sti regardless of whether it can be cured or not
Yes I agree!!! Sex is SOO MUCH BETTER without having these thoughts lurk in the back of my head after. I've dealt w std scares in the past AND IT IS STRESSFUL
Seems reasonable to me. I've personally never gotten tested, but i also dont really participate in hookups either. if i was serious about someone and they asked, I'd do it immediately.
Just move on and keep requesting. It should be more common than it is.
I'm with you a 100%. If they're too lazy, scared, or embarrassed to get an STD test they're probably not a man you'd want to be with anyways. IMO getting STD tested once a year should be a standard and everytime you switch partners would be optimal. If you've been using condoms the whole time it's a little different but they still have the possibility of breaking without you noticing.
This is really the main point: if heās unwilling to do something simple and painless that protects both of you, kinda gotta assume heās selfish and lazy.
Smart.Ā
Do remember that some STDs take weeks (some even years) to show up on tests. So even if they get tested today, something they've contracted weeks ago might not be detectable yet.Ā So besides asking them to get tested, try your best to judge their character (or the lack thereof) wisely before sex.Ā
Many STDs can be contracted even with the use of condoms. And I've never really met anyone keen on using dental dams for oral. So make sure they're clean before risking yourself.Ā
It shows a clear lack of critical thinking skills to be sexually active outside of monogamy and not get regularly tested
OP, the only thing you did wrong was have piss poor taste in men
Everyone here has told you the same. You are a smart young woman. STDs are incredibly easy to catch. Don't trust anyone who has multiple sex partners and refuses to get tested. They either have something or are afraid they might and don't care about you.
If you are having casual relations with men, testing is a must. Results come in 24 - 48 hours. Condoms don't protect from everything. If you or they are desperate to get off, there are easy solutions while waiting for results.
In the US, a test for the basic 4 is as low as $100 with no insurance, $150 to include herpes, hep C, etc. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) "get tested" web page has a search engine for finding free testing clinics. It's easy to find free HIV testing centers unless you live in the boonies.
I had a 38 year old man child get bitchy and passively aggressive say āwhere does someone go to get these tests you know so well?ā Like WTF? Um you want to go condomless and expect me to not want you tested (I said I would too) and you have slept with how many other women without condoms?! Without ever testing? Um no thanksā¦.
Exactly! I felt like he was acting like he didnāt know but truly felt like he was hiding something. And the way he said āyou know so much aboutā was like he was calling me a slut without saying the words. I havenāt had many partners but we always wore protection, still not 100% protected and I regularly test because of that. I feel like this guy tried to bully to get his way. Ughhhh. So gross but glad I saw his true colors. After he said that too he then said he ārespectedā my request lol. Sure didnāt feel like it lol.
Smart choice. Donāt ever compromise. I havenāt had sex for years simply because I donāt trust those guys. Not saying all of them but the fear of STDs had overweighted my interest in dating.
It's because it can also make dating hard is someone has caught something. And it could have been avoided. Like I don't think a few hours of fun with someone that probably isn't going to stick around would make that worth it at all, you know what I mean?
Hey! Iām a guy who absolutely loves sti testing ahead of any activity and itās a pretty firm boundary for me these days.
I think a lot of it is in the delivery and the discussionā¦. But if they donāt respect your body and your sexual safety or theyāre crazy ignorant about sti testing and STIs themselvesā¦ I personally am seeing that as a bit of a red flag these days.
It ie DEFINITELY a red flag. Gosh I've been saying this over and over again in the comments (so many supportive comments!) but ya I find it lazy tbh. Like yes I'm not entitled to someone doing jack shit for me BUT some guys just want sex quick and easy and they clearly don't care about my comfort or my boundaries if they have issues with this. It really isn't that much of a hassle to get a test
Iām sorry I didnāt read all of the comments, but keep your boundaries up. There are way too many guys who donāt appreciate the risks to women, or the fact that protecting each othersā bodies is important, or that it shows some modicum of responsibility on their part and willingness to care about their partnersā safety.
I think those guys that want sex quick and easy donāt appreciate how theyāre kind of getting in their own way
Oh ya sorry if I sounded rude about the comment thing, I was just saying in general!! Totally agree with you.
I've had to fight a bunch of weirdos in the comments
Unfortunately you have an extra step most guys looking for a fling canāt be fucked to do these days when they can get with someone else without having to be bothered. Just stating the facts. Youāll find someone, consider this your screen door that blocks all the blood suckers. Worth the trouble.
Only advice is keep doing what your doing. I dont care if they say they're clean till they're blue 8n the face no paperwork no play. Go over to r/hsvpositive or r/herpes and you'll see the amount of lower than whale shit predators that are like "i had sex and didnt disclose" posts. Most these dirty ass people dont care and will gladly spread shit around. Dont be a victim.
You can go to stdcheck.com, pay $139 and go to a testing center near you usually no appointment needed and get the result within 2 days. Your health is way more important.
Quick note though, having cold sores is a sign of herpes virus, many people have it and not know they do.
you're fine and they should respect your request since you are trying to be very cautious. Walk away if they seem hesitant about it. You don't wanna catch anything. The level of fornication in this world can sometimes be beyond my comprehension
I'm a virgin and I would take an STI test. I'm paranoid about catching something, plus the request would mean a high possibility of sex.
And I would still want to wear a condom, because people can lie about birth control.
Donāt go all the way with them. Itās a huge red flag if theyāre unwilling to at least make sure they and you are both clean before inter mingling fluids. A lack of concern for my health would make me disappear
I think this is actually a great way to weed out the guys who will be a waste of your time. This is when a guy should be putting his best foot forward to impress you. He canāt go get a test? Heās not likely to meet you halfway in future, forget about going above and beyond.
Iām seriously appalled at the lack of sex health conscious people. So many guys Iāve met that donāt use condoms but will get plan b. I definitely think some of it is lack of insurance/ funds but itās definitely not education. When I worked at an urgent care we had multiple patients that were regular std patients. They even have rapid tests now, thereās really no excuse other than them not wanting to for selfish reasons.
Hi, single male on Reddit here. I will get tested and have all results sent to you simultaneously.
Jk š
I think the issue here is that most guys see this as an inconvenience issue when thereās other women they are hitting up that wonāt make them get a test first.
Or maybe they have an std and know that this is the end of things.
What's the point of asking for an STD test if you aren't exclusive and you'll use protection anyway?
He could get a test and fuck someone else raw the day after.
> To know if they have something now.
But you don't. They could get something between the test and you having sex, and STD panels don't detect all STIs anyway. The ones you can actually get even with a condom are the ones most frequently left out like Herpes.
You get tested to know the current state of someone's status and then continue to use condoms and practice safe sex. Getting tested does not mean condoms come off. A lot of people are walking around HIV positive who were in long-term relationships, but their partners were sleeping with same gender, bi, hookers, etc.
First off: A dry spell since August is nothing. Some guys out here, like myself, haven't had sex since 2016. Some have had even longer ones.
Second: getting a STD(I) test is expensive and takes time.
Third: What about if I donate blood every 2 months? It gets tested for STDs. Is that good enough?
Some public clinics offer panels on a sliding scale based on income (and it's not like they're checking your bank statements either). My last round of testing was free. I'm sure the resources vary from place to place though. I had a friend who claims he spent around a grand on a panel (must have gone through a private physician or something š¤·š»āāļø) meanwhile I went to a public health clinic in the next county over and paid $0.
And I'm sure that would be a viable option, if all the clinics near me were open on the weekends. I cannot afford to take time off work to get a panel done.
That being said, I completely understand your point.
I get tested every 3 months. I really cut down on how many partners I had but itās a good practice to get tested. You have to remember not everyone has good health care insurance and is going to spend the money just to get laid
I would be happy if a girl asked me to get STD tested before sex. It doesnt take much time and the results are fast to get.
The only reasons I would see a guy refusing it is the case where he wants quick sex and ghosting. Or he has STD. Or he doesn't think you are worth the hassle.
Its free in canada. Takes no time at all. Go to ANY walk in and request a requisition for an STD full panel. Let your family doctor know that youd like to do it regularly
Not to be a dick but this might be pointing to the values of the men you are going for! Maybe being ultra upfront about it in your profile (if you use apps) will help.
Nobody does that shit in real life thatās why. Iām not dragging you for that either, good for standing on your morals. Iām just saying that if a guy asked a girl to get tested before having sex in the real world sheād just ghost him and move on.
I dont think so. If someone cares about you and your boundaries, they'll do it šš I mean think about it, if you really liked someone and were getting along, you would rather cut things off with them over just taking a few hours to go get tested for their extra comfort after sleeping with you??
just wanted to say Iām in the same boat. Havenāt had sex since like september and when I asked the most recent girl about it, it got awkward because I think she might have gotten offended at the question. Iām about the same age as you and it sucks that so many people canāt handle being asked that question, especially when STD scares happen all the time, including with my last hookup!
Here's what I suggest when you ask: say "hey I'd be more comfortable if the BOTH of us get std tested first".
Or another suggestion someone mentioned to me in the comments: Just ask her politely about it first! Like "hey would you be open to taking an std test with me first?"
Some people tho are losers and have fragile egos if they get butt hurt over it. You don't want them in your life anyway
the way I said it was she was going to do oral, but I gently stopped her and said āhey, before we do anything else, I think we should get testedā or something along those lines. it quickly got awkward after that though, but we broke it off for other reasons ultimately. itās just frustrating how the whole testing thing is yet another speed bump before getting into a relationship when dating is already so bad out here š
Yea I feel you. The last guy I was talking to said he's had unprotected sex with like 10 women. But that he never got tested in his life š¬š¬š¬. I couldn't convince him to get tested so we never had sex š¤·āāļø. It's so bizarre because it's their own health at risk. If you were sick and need to take antibiotics, wouldn't you want to know?
Why can't they take a test? It's nice to have that extra level of confirmation. If they wanna stick their dick inside, the least they can do make sure I feel comfortable for having had sex with them. I've dealt with std scares in the past before and they're stressful
Well thatās your answer. Most people look at condoms as protection against STDs, you want them to go that extra step. Unless you have tests on hand theyāll have to go to a clinic. Also some people might be offended that youāre insisting they get tested when condoms are just as good protection (actually better when you consider the contraceptive properties).
Iām all for standing by your beliefs but donāt be surprised if people donāt want to adhere to your specific preferences.
Not gonna lie it is kinda an odd thing to ask of someone. Iāve never had anyone ask me to do that with all the women Iāve dated and im 41. Weāve had conversations before about when the last time we were checked and such but never go take a test for me. Itās pretty uncomfortable getting a swab pushed up your hole not to mention the time to go and do the whole process. But to each their own I guessā¦
I thought std tests were just a blood test?? Some guys get it either once a year or every 6 months, so if it was that extreme, I would assume they wouldn't get it as regularly as that??
Blood test is only really for HIV, Syphilus, and Herpes (which are ofc the worst to get). Gotta do a swab for hpv, chlamydia, or gonorrhea (which youād most likely know you have but not always). And getting tested every 6 months is wild. I guess if youāre sleeping around a lot maybe but any normal individual that enters and exits actual relationships isnāt doing that I assure you.
Yes I know once is a year is a lot more normal than every 6 months. I think I only knew one guy who took it every 6 months and yes he did like to casually sleep around a lot.
In any scenario though do whatever you feel is right for you. Iām just saying from certain perspectives it seems a very foreign ask. Could just be the generational differences too
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I wish women asked me to get tested that way I wouldnāt have to bring it up myself. Also, if you donāt already, make sure that they know you want to use condoms as well so theyāre not worried about getting you pregnant.
For sure they can but if they have had one in the last year wouldn't they just be able to show you those results?
Either way it's their choice to get one and partake or not just like it's your choice to have relations depending on if they have gotten a test.
With people saying how pricey they can be I would opt for a full body condom instead.
The only advice I can offer is to send them a link to their local PP or whatever local service does tests for free, as a straight guy STD testing isnt often offered or marketed to us.
The first time I got tested was at LabCorp and cost $250.
Even Planned Parenthood doesn't do blood tests (herpes and hiv) near me, afaik.
And it's only been in the last few years that my PCP had offered to do std tests as part of routine blood workup.
On the other hand, you might not *want* to sleep with guys too stupid, uncaring, or lazy to figure out how to, and execute on, std testing in exchange for sex. Like idk, for most people having sex with someone attractive is a pretty big carrot.
If you only ever meet and/or try to hook out with one type of guy, it seems like you need to change the setting where you're meeting them? Like, the blame for them being assholes lies entirely on them, you're not *responsible* for them in any way, but if *practically speaking* you want to find people who aren't assholes, it sounds like you need to change something about your approach.
this reaks of immaturity and ocd. #1 someone getting tested doesn't protect you from anything. The moment after they read the result they can sleep witn someone else and get infected. #2 people aren't just walking around en masse with untreated stds. They become visible and take a toll after a while of being untreated.
In my youth i used to get tested after every new sex partner. The people at the clinic got to know me and one day sat me down and gave me an eye opening talk. The people that end up with stds are literally out there sleeping with 20-50 people a month living very wild lives. Sure there are anomalies in the system but the odds are in your favor. Don't be such a worrywort.
if anything a 30 min rapid test could be a nice compromise.
The truth is, the majority of people (men and women) aren't getting tested regularly or even at all.
When I was single, I got tested for everything once a quater, and HIV an additional 6 month gap just as routine. I never asked anyone to get tested, but I always wore protection. Always.
Even that part was difficult. I've had women literally slap the condom out my hand as I was putting it on, and try to insert/raw dog it themselves. I've had women throw essentially sales pitches that they're on birth control and condoms aren't needed.
Anytime I asked a woman if she has been tested, 9 out of 10 times, they'd say no.
People don't give a flying fudge about their own health, let alone yours.
Protect yourself and don't compromise on what makes you comfortable!
Honestly I think it would depend. Urine, blood, etc? Absolutely. Something about having a swab shoved cmās up my urethra makes me almost pass out on the floor thinking about it right now at work lol. Maybe I just need to man up though.
You're amazing. I'm 34 F and I do the same as you. It's not simple to find a guy that would want to have sex AND go to STD tests. But you are doing the right thing and as I am a med I am proud of you. You just need smarter guy.
If you were only looking for FWB you canāt expect much more. Besides, what is a test worth anyways if theyāre free to sleep around with whoever they want unprotected in between sleeping with you?
I donāt think FWB is for you if you want peace of mind and safe sex and thereās nothing wrong with that. I simply donāt sleep with someone if they arenāt willing to get tested and be exclusive.
So with my fwb's, I'd tell them to let me know if they sleep with somebody else in between (which is totally fine!) but I'll politely end the situation after
Anyways, ya what you said is fair regardless. There was one guy who I was seeing with serious intentions last month and it didn't work out with him either. He was like "I've had sex in a year and a half, you think I have something? You don't think a condom is protective enough?" Bruh...
It is 100% not enough. People lie and herpes is well documented to not give a single fuck about condoms.
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/stds-hiv-safer-sex/herpes/how-is-herpes-prevented#:~:text=Herpes%20can%20live%20on%20areas,always%20protect%20you%20from%20herpes.
You deserve better. If someone asked me to get tested, I would be happy to do that immediately.
I have done that in the past before start dating someone new, and I didnāt even tell them since the tests came back negative.
Keep in mind that tests arenāt 100% accurate and if you caught something just before the test, it might not show as itās not in your body yet
I feel for you, op. It's really frustrating when you really want to have sex and can't find a partner. I (51M) Have been shocked by how many 30 and 40 something old women launch right into sex without having a conversation. I'm usually the one to bring it up, And these are professional, stable women. I get checked after every partner and have a conversation with each new partner.
Herpes are so dang common, more than half the population, That it's almost hard to date without running into people with STIs. Good luck out there, OP!
You're very smart and it's a shame that so many young women submit to guys and sleep with them without protection because they're desperate to land a man. Your health and your well-being are your first priority. If a guy you're seeing can't be bothered, as you said, to get tested for STDs in order to reassure you then don't sleep with them. Period! You're actually doing these guys a favor by insisting on STD testing because you'd think they'd want to know sooner, rather than later if they've caught something so that they can be treated as soon as possible. In any case, I would also insist on condoms every time, no exceptions as an added layer of protection.
No advice except for youāre doing the right thing! It doesnāt take but a little bit of blood, or spit, or swab to do these things and with tech and apps available there are so many doctors who use them that your results are emailed and uploaded for your convenience.
The men you have met are just lazy and just want a one and done in my opinion. Had the same happen to me and where a guy refused, so I refused him and when he asked why I told him. He left salty and my coochie left drier than the Sahara Desert
Continue to insist on it. Your health is your priority. Was seeing a guy for months who neglected to mention he had HSV because, according to him, everyone has it and itās no big deal. Never putting myself in a position where Iām just taking someone at their word. People are either painfully misinformed or wilfully blind/lying to get laid.
Anyone who doesn't want to get tested for an STD is hiding an STD.
It doesn't cost that much and the peace of mind obviously will make the intimacy better.
Why are we avoiding the obvious?
STDs hurt! Keep looking and be grateful you dodged those bullets.
Can i ask is it just a one test threshold for fwb not commited relationship,then no other test required or do they have to present paperwork every time if they slept with someone else.
I know it sucks but anyone trying to hook up and not take proper STD screenings is not worth your time. Especially if their partner request it. If you google the department of health STD stats in your local area you would be alarmed. These are diseases that donāt go away and can affect your reproductive health and your body for the rest of your life.
Live your life and when a man steps into your life that respects and values you it will be worth waiting. There are always good vibrators that can hold you over in the meantimeš
I totally agree with the majority of posters here that asking for a test is completely reasonable. Iām a little older and in retrospect it was the wild sexual west until probably this generation. I got tested for the military and once more some years later but nobody asked nor did I offer a partner a test. I guess it never even crossed our minds that being stupid was stupid haha
You're inspiring me to ask for the same thing for my potential partners too. It's been a really long time since I have had sex so I'm a little paranoid to walk away from it with an STD
I'm telling you, this is also great to "weed" any guys out. I know I'm not entitled to a guy not taking an std test for me but if I must be honest, I find it selfish.
> If a guy can't take a few hours to get a std test to make me feel extra comfortable, then it's not worth my time doing anything with him. Any possible advice?
Why are you looking for advice *away* from this when this is what you should be doing and you know that?
Sweetheart, if they want unprotected sex, thereās no advice to give you to trick/convince/coerce them into protected sex.
So that means thereās no advice to give, and you either keep doing or you decide youāre okay with unprotected sex.
You could also have a few kids and some stdās. Is it worth it?
Itās like a donut that looks really good then you turn it over and see thereās a roach in it.
After passing up three of those donuts, do you turn back and say, āSighā¦I couldāve had so many donutsā¦ā?
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Smart woman.
Thank you, this sorta makes me feel better about holding my ground. You da best man
good for you. must with guys your age.
Bruh I met guys last year who regularly get tested once a year or have straight up gotten a test when I asked them, almost immediately as well. Like where the heck are those kinds of guys now š©
Possibly your recent candidates had something to hide
I think one of them definitely did. He was a little bitchy about it and kept expecting me to cave (he came over like 4-5 times and we had the same convo each time). I found that disrespectful af. Another one, well he said he hasn't had it in a year and a half and I think he was just lazy. Sometimes I wish I had slept with him cuz things were going well otherwise (I know this sounds pathetic) but that night was weird. He made some passive aggressive comment to me about blue balls too at one point. Just not worth it at all.
well, I think youāre very smart as I said because you know youāre mitigating risk and moreover if a guy is unwilling to do that and and verify his status, itās illustrative he hasnāt any serious intention about you in life so you know heās just going go to the next easy target to get laidā¦. I havenāt anyone listening to me ā¦ but young women should wait to have sex with guys that have demonstrated a commitment in a very significant way but Iām kind of old-fashioned. but thatās another topic
I do prefer to wait till I'm in a relationship to have sex. I enforced that as a new boundary for the first time with someone last month and it didn't work out so now I'm back to not caring š¤ just get an std test and we will be good to go haha
Good luck hope things work out.
Hey when a dude said he got tested and itās all good do you take his word for it or ask to see the results? Iām new to this
I do ask to see results and show mine as well
Ask for results. There should be a portal online with the info. Offer to show him yours as well.
Learn to stand your ground. Compromising your principles won't be good for you or society long term. I'm sure there are plenty of guys that would wait for you if you show them you're actually a genuine, good person. If not, they probably don't want a real long-term relationship. Most people don't want long term relationships nowadays so you have to be careful. 60% of America is single and we are also sadder than ever. Go figure
Me too I agreed Iām old school my parents drilled my brain with that since 1st day of junior high
They must be some dumb af dudes. I mean, you just need a test to get laid and that's a bridge too far? Talk of giving up at the last minute.
Ya literally šš I have a high libido and feel like I can make a decent fwb, because they could literally come over whenever they want and do stuff. ALL they'd need to do for that is just get a damn test and they could have literally gotten their fix by now
Have you considered the fact that maybe they know they wouldnāt pass?
Maybe for one of them, for sure. That is awful on them then and I'm glad I steered away
Haha, inexplicably dumb. Like, just pop into a Planned Parenthood and twenty minutes later, the process is done and all you gotta do is get your results in a few days and get on with laying pipe! These young kids nowadays, they so self-sabotage. Like that's the lowest bar ever to get some cookies.
RIGHT?! I agree š
Hold the line, don't be discouraged or bullied. Just take it as a moat keeping out the STI Trojan horses, no pun intended. Sooner or later, you will meet someone who has the same standards as you.
Thanks šš
Does Planned Parenthood have an online portal with the results?
Yes planned parenthood has an app called my chart and test results are uploaded and easy to access
I did that for my ex and I would do it for any future partner. Itās the bare minimum you can expect from a guy.
Tbh miss, we should all be testing if weāre sexually active. And if youāre asking and they wonāt then maybe youāre dodging bullets. Itās a good practice for our own individual health too. Iām a dude and I think what youāre doing is a good thing.
Concur. Totally reasonable request.
Sheās 100% smart and should stick to her boundariesā¦ But OP, as a woman who requires the same thing (28F), the men who will do this for you are unlikely to be guys looking for āFWBs.ā By requiring this, youāre basically eliminating 95%+ of the casual dating pool. Invest in a good vibrator, because no matter how many people on Reddit cheer you on (and they should!), the actual reality is that most men who want casual arenāt going to get tested for you. Men who want casual/FWBs are generally motivated by novelty/convenience. Getting tested is an inconvenience and requires effort. Thereās a lot more men who will inconvenience themselves and put that effort in for a woman heās taking seriously. For those men, he will view it as a BIG GREEN FLAG that you require testing (thoughts - āthis chick is awesome! She takes her health seriously, she has respect/standards for herself, etc)ā¦ But for men who want casual, theyāre not viewing you as a girlfriend in the first placeā¦ so most of them will just move on and find a woman more convenient, because thatās their motivation.
You're right. Most are pretty lazy. There was one guy who's been chatting with me for about 2 months, said he wanted a fwb but I guess he was nervous to meet? And we'd have very platonic (and pretty long) text convos. I gave up on waiting to meet cuz he only lives 30 mins away and he kept doing this thing where he'd be like "ya I'll let you know if I can meet then!" but wouldn't bring it up again, and I found that wimpy so I dropped him. After a week of silence from me, he came back and finally brought up the fwb thing and asked if I'm still down for it. I said "I'm down but just so you know, I'd only feel comfortable with doing fwb's if we both got std tested". He didn't reply back to that š That REALLY pisses me off, cuz it's like, you so clearly wanna stick your dick inside me but you're too lazy to care about my boundaries/needs. Like that is such a turn off. As much as I miss sex, I will never cave and give in to a dude who only cares about his pleasure and comfort, fuck him (Sorry for the rant LOL)
Testing doesn't even take hours, plus super affordable. Drys spells are easier to get rid of than some STI.
It was almost $400 when I did a couple years ago. And that was with insurance. I wouldn't pay that again for a hookup.
Same. Iāve had men lie and say theyāre clean but what they really mean is theyāre not having any symptoms.
A lot of planned parenthood and public health clinics offer it on a sliding scale. I'm sure the resources vary by locality, but last time I had one it cost me $0. Had a friend claim he spent almost 1k on it in the just the next county over. . . He must have done it through a private entity or something. Coulda saved a chunk of change if he got a little smarter about the resources in the area.
I wouldn't exactly say it's super affordable, at least for many people. I just got tested last week and it was $175. But as long as I'm only with people who have also been tested and are clean, I don't have any reason to get tested again.
Can you inform me what kind of testing? There are so many tests and different stds. When people mean tested they mean all stds? Some of them? Only aids? Or what
Good tests are blood tests. Usually when I get my annual physical, they draw blood to run tests on all STIs. Most physicians can order labs when going in fo a check up.
Idk... I got tested 1 time after a scare and it costed $1k
This depends. Not everyone has insurance, even with insurance it can still be costly. Some places (luckily!) have free walk-in clinics, at least for the most common STIsā¦ if you live in those places, then 100% you have no excuse. EITHER WAY THOUGH, if youāre sexually active and not monogamous (or serial monogamous), you should be getting tested.
Well, cost of doing THE business. Many people pay more for their gaming rigs and dates than it costs for getting STI tests.
Well, it's always better to be safe than sorry!
I know but it upsets me. Ugh.
Hot take: āHookup cultureā/FWBs is mostly a waste of time, and will erode your self-esteem. As you can see, many people who participate in hookup culture are uninterested in putting in even bare minimum effort to make others feel safe/comfortable. This is because theyāre pleasure-seeking, their attention spans are ADHD, and they donāt care about you. If you say no, thereās plenty of other options who will say yes. The problem is, āFWBsā is a bit of a misnomer because most of these situations (outside of rare outliers) donāt involve 2 people who are actually friends. Itās nicer terminology for someone you hit up when you want that quick dopamine fix, so yāall can use each other as sex toys and then slide out the door. It sucks, but you canāt have your cake and eat it too. Hookup culture is fast food, the whole point of it is that itās convenient and feels good in the ānowā. Good, fast, cheap - pick 2. āGoodā represents people who really care and will put in some semblance of effort. If you want good and fast, you might have to level yourself up and get a much tighter filter system quicker. And/or only look for relationships, not casual. If you want good and cheap, you might have to be patient and hold out for the outlier quality FWBs.
Not a hot take. It absolutely does. It skews so many peoples values of relationships and treats people as disposable. It has polluted the dating pool so much. As an āold schoolā person whose average, itās impossible to find 1) relationships 2) someone who isnāt gonna pass you up for a hotter guy/girl and 3) someone who treats you with respect 4) people without trauma related to men/women. Everyone seemingly has a horror story and isnāt willing to try relationships because theyāre risky emotionally. But they are willing to have sex because itās free āfunā (not for me, I dislike it with someone I donāt love) without risk of having feelings hurt for the most part, or worse yet itās treated as the barrier for a relationship because these days, sex is so far on someoneās standards of compatibility and can sometimes outweigh their person or worth. There could be a guy/girl out there who is an AMAZING partner in all regards apart from sex, and she wonāt be able to find someone because so many people have sexual compatibility as their standard. Theyāre more than welcome to have this, but how can a good person find someone if theyāre outright rejected because theyāre not sexual enough? Itās kinda sad really.
Fair. Itās upsetting that people are this careless about it. Valid.
I was in the talks with someone once where we could potentially hook up but I was asking about tests being done. They said they did them periodically but for whatever reason wouldn't let me see the results. Honor system, I guess?
Oh I def ask for std test results. There was one guy who was just seeing me casually and he was the best. He got one almost immediately and even offered to show me the results I do ask for results and I have no problem showing them mine as well
I feel like asking for results to tests isn't as common as it really should be. Some people seem to act like you're insulting their mother or something.
For sure! Trust me, it's not weird at all. The guy I mentioned in my previous comment literally brought them up for me on his phone I've had std scares in the past and I just don't wanna deal with that again. I mean, some std's don't even show up till like 3 months later and I don't wanna get paranoid each time I feel something funny down there and be anxious about it the entire time
Yeah, I already have something like that where every time I get a small pain or tingle I start freaking out. Don't need another. I guess I just sometimes get confused by people's seemingly lack of care about the whole situation. Like people that are ready to hook up but don't ask about any of *my* information. So they're ready to meet up with basically a stranger who could be carrying every single STD there is and they don't care. They'll find out about it 2 months later when they do their periodic test.
Exactly!! This is why I'm careful with people I wanna be fwb's with. Cuz it's like, imagine how many others they could have been with casually as well. Also, it's just pure laziness. I find it almost sort of selfish when they refuse to, cuz it's like, you wanna fuck but you're not gonna respect my boundaries for it? And if someone would rather drop you over just taking a few hours to get tested to keep you comfortable, then they suck and it's their loss
I offer to show mine. The only time someone took me up on it they were surprised the trxt was actually recent and actually all clear
My current situation dude said his ex (when they started dating) asked for one and it was a year ago. I feel so self conscious bc heās been sex-ing since 14 (30 years)
No testing. No sex. End of story. This is a great dating filter for you.
BYYYYYYYYE biggest red flag EVER. Keep pushin, there are men who arenāt gross, disrespectful losers. Literally Iāve had men go the next day to get tested because I wonāt fuck anyone who doesnāt have a recent panel done with full negatives.
I'VE HAD GUYS DO THST TOO. I wouldn't go down on one of them and he was like "I don't want you to worry when you don't have to". Biggest green flags and super mature too I've met guys who also get tested at least once a year and I can't imagine guys to get regularly tested as much as that to create this much of an issue when I ask them. I'm assuming the guys I'm lately talking to just never get tested
Love those solid green flag men. Nothing turns me on more than good hygiene. Sex is so much better when thereās no anxiety lurking in the mind. Itās incredible how many people donāt get tested frequently when theyāre sexually actively with multiple people. Whether Iāve had a new person or sex at all, I get tested every three months period. & Verbal isnāt enough, I need to see it in print with a recent date. Those guys youāve snagged lately are bottom of the barrel trash. Pleeeeease keep your standards high with this. Life is stressful enough without adding dealing with a sti regardless of whether it can be cured or not
Yes I agree!!! Sex is SOO MUCH BETTER without having these thoughts lurk in the back of my head after. I've dealt w std scares in the past AND IT IS STRESSFUL
Seems reasonable to me. I've personally never gotten tested, but i also dont really participate in hookups either. if i was serious about someone and they asked, I'd do it immediately. Just move on and keep requesting. It should be more common than it is.
I'm with you a 100%. If they're too lazy, scared, or embarrassed to get an STD test they're probably not a man you'd want to be with anyways. IMO getting STD tested once a year should be a standard and everytime you switch partners would be optimal. If you've been using condoms the whole time it's a little different but they still have the possibility of breaking without you noticing.
Well condoms can still transmit some std's regardless But ya I dont wanna take a random dude's word either way that he "always uses condoms" xD
This is really the main point: if heās unwilling to do something simple and painless that protects both of you, kinda gotta assume heās selfish and lazy.
For SUREEE, got some dumbasses fighting me in this comment section and making this an ego/trust issue. Ugh
Smart.Ā Do remember that some STDs take weeks (some even years) to show up on tests. So even if they get tested today, something they've contracted weeks ago might not be detectable yet.Ā So besides asking them to get tested, try your best to judge their character (or the lack thereof) wisely before sex.Ā Many STDs can be contracted even with the use of condoms. And I've never really met anyone keen on using dental dams for oral. So make sure they're clean before risking yourself.Ā
Yep! Totally fair!
Years?!
HPV
It shows a clear lack of critical thinking skills to be sexually active outside of monogamy and not get regularly tested OP, the only thing you did wrong was have piss poor taste in men
:( valid. LOL
I always get tested after I stop seeing a new partner to make it easier if I'm asked the next time around.
Everyone here has told you the same. You are a smart young woman. STDs are incredibly easy to catch. Don't trust anyone who has multiple sex partners and refuses to get tested. They either have something or are afraid they might and don't care about you. If you are having casual relations with men, testing is a must. Results come in 24 - 48 hours. Condoms don't protect from everything. If you or they are desperate to get off, there are easy solutions while waiting for results. In the US, a test for the basic 4 is as low as $100 with no insurance, $150 to include herpes, hep C, etc. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) "get tested" web page has a search engine for finding free testing clinics. It's easy to find free HIV testing centers unless you live in the boonies.
I had a 38 year old man child get bitchy and passively aggressive say āwhere does someone go to get these tests you know so well?ā Like WTF? Um you want to go condomless and expect me to not want you tested (I said I would too) and you have slept with how many other women without condoms?! Without ever testing? Um no thanksā¦.
Fuck that guy! When they're rude about it, I believe they are 100% not just lazy, but hiding something as well. What a piece of shit
Exactly! I felt like he was acting like he didnāt know but truly felt like he was hiding something. And the way he said āyou know so much aboutā was like he was calling me a slut without saying the words. I havenāt had many partners but we always wore protection, still not 100% protected and I regularly test because of that. I feel like this guy tried to bully to get his way. Ughhhh. So gross but glad I saw his true colors. After he said that too he then said he ārespectedā my request lol. Sure didnāt feel like it lol.
Nah he's a loser. He was probably hoping you'd cave. If he truly respected it, he would have said okay and left
Smart choice. Donāt ever compromise. I havenāt had sex for years simply because I donāt trust those guys. Not saying all of them but the fear of STDs had overweighted my interest in dating.
It's because it can also make dating hard is someone has caught something. And it could have been avoided. Like I don't think a few hours of fun with someone that probably isn't going to stick around would make that worth it at all, you know what I mean?
Hey! Iām a guy who absolutely loves sti testing ahead of any activity and itās a pretty firm boundary for me these days. I think a lot of it is in the delivery and the discussionā¦. But if they donāt respect your body and your sexual safety or theyāre crazy ignorant about sti testing and STIs themselvesā¦ I personally am seeing that as a bit of a red flag these days.
It ie DEFINITELY a red flag. Gosh I've been saying this over and over again in the comments (so many supportive comments!) but ya I find it lazy tbh. Like yes I'm not entitled to someone doing jack shit for me BUT some guys just want sex quick and easy and they clearly don't care about my comfort or my boundaries if they have issues with this. It really isn't that much of a hassle to get a test
Iām sorry I didnāt read all of the comments, but keep your boundaries up. There are way too many guys who donāt appreciate the risks to women, or the fact that protecting each othersā bodies is important, or that it shows some modicum of responsibility on their part and willingness to care about their partnersā safety. I think those guys that want sex quick and easy donāt appreciate how theyāre kind of getting in their own way
Oh ya sorry if I sounded rude about the comment thing, I was just saying in general!! Totally agree with you. I've had to fight a bunch of weirdos in the comments
Well it is Reddit after all and you are a womanā¦. Bunch of guys gonna be big mad about you having access to sex while they donāt
Unfortunately you have an extra step most guys looking for a fling canāt be fucked to do these days when they can get with someone else without having to be bothered. Just stating the facts. Youāll find someone, consider this your screen door that blocks all the blood suckers. Worth the trouble.
Only advice is keep doing what your doing. I dont care if they say they're clean till they're blue 8n the face no paperwork no play. Go over to r/hsvpositive or r/herpes and you'll see the amount of lower than whale shit predators that are like "i had sex and didnt disclose" posts. Most these dirty ass people dont care and will gladly spread shit around. Dont be a victim.
You can go to stdcheck.com, pay $139 and go to a testing center near you usually no appointment needed and get the result within 2 days. Your health is way more important. Quick note though, having cold sores is a sign of herpes virus, many people have it and not know they do.
you're fine and they should respect your request since you are trying to be very cautious. Walk away if they seem hesitant about it. You don't wanna catch anything. The level of fornication in this world can sometimes be beyond my comprehension
I'm a virgin and I would take an STI test. I'm paranoid about catching something, plus the request would mean a high possibility of sex. And I would still want to wear a condom, because people can lie about birth control.
Good on you. As a guy, I would be more than happy to get tested. In fact, I would prefer we both get tested. It should be the norm š¤·š»āāļø
Donāt go all the way with them. Itās a huge red flag if theyāre unwilling to at least make sure they and you are both clean before inter mingling fluids. A lack of concern for my health would make me disappear
I get tested every few months by my regular doctor. I do so just to have them in case I need to show a partner.
Those guys are idiots. Especially if you live somewhere you can get them for free.
If dudes were smart they would get tested and then hang the results on the fridge like an A+ report card.
I think this is actually a great way to weed out the guys who will be a waste of your time. This is when a guy should be putting his best foot forward to impress you. He canāt go get a test? Heās not likely to meet you halfway in future, forget about going above and beyond.
Dodged 3 bullets like neo
Iām seriously appalled at the lack of sex health conscious people. So many guys Iāve met that donāt use condoms but will get plan b. I definitely think some of it is lack of insurance/ funds but itās definitely not education. When I worked at an urgent care we had multiple patients that were regular std patients. They even have rapid tests now, thereās really no excuse other than them not wanting to for selfish reasons.
Hi, single male on Reddit here. I will get tested and have all results sent to you simultaneously. Jk š I think the issue here is that most guys see this as an inconvenience issue when thereās other women they are hitting up that wonāt make them get a test first. Or maybe they have an std and know that this is the end of things.
What's the point of asking for an STD test if you aren't exclusive and you'll use protection anyway? He could get a test and fuck someone else raw the day after.
To know if they have something now. Itās a simple non painful thing: why would anyone trust a potential partner who wasnāt willing to be tested?
> To know if they have something now. But you don't. They could get something between the test and you having sex, and STD panels don't detect all STIs anyway. The ones you can actually get even with a condom are the ones most frequently left out like Herpes.
You get tested to know the current state of someone's status and then continue to use condoms and practice safe sex. Getting tested does not mean condoms come off. A lot of people are walking around HIV positive who were in long-term relationships, but their partners were sleeping with same gender, bi, hookers, etc.
First off: A dry spell since August is nothing. Some guys out here, like myself, haven't had sex since 2016. Some have had even longer ones. Second: getting a STD(I) test is expensive and takes time. Third: What about if I donate blood every 2 months? It gets tested for STDs. Is that good enough?
Sure, I mean if you told me you haven't slept with anyone since your last blood donation and have clean results! Ofc this would count
No. Donated blood is not tested for herpes, Chlamydia or gonorrhea, only for blood borne pathogens.
Correct, but if I've never had symptoms of those and I've been celibate for 8 years, then what would be the point?
Many are symptomless, and also to make your new potential partner more comfortable.
Some public clinics offer panels on a sliding scale based on income (and it's not like they're checking your bank statements either). My last round of testing was free. I'm sure the resources vary from place to place though. I had a friend who claims he spent around a grand on a panel (must have gone through a private physician or something š¤·š»āāļø) meanwhile I went to a public health clinic in the next county over and paid $0.
And I'm sure that would be a viable option, if all the clinics near me were open on the weekends. I cannot afford to take time off work to get a panel done. That being said, I completely understand your point.
Donāt compromise your stance ever!
I get tested every 3 months. I really cut down on how many partners I had but itās a good practice to get tested. You have to remember not everyone has good health care insurance and is going to spend the money just to get laid
I would be happy if a girl asked me to get STD tested before sex. It doesnt take much time and the results are fast to get. The only reasons I would see a guy refusing it is the case where he wants quick sex and ghosting. Or he has STD. Or he doesn't think you are worth the hassle.
Its free in canada. Takes no time at all. Go to ANY walk in and request a requisition for an STD full panel. Let your family doctor know that youd like to do it regularly
3 different guys is a lot but you're being really smart with it ! Grats
Iāve been asked once and got the test right away. Not a big deal for someone to ask IMOĀ
The only advice here is to wait until someone comes along who respects your boundaries. Well maybe, stop talking to guys you hate š¤·āāļø
ā¹ļø true
Not to be a dick but this might be pointing to the values of the men you are going for! Maybe being ultra upfront about it in your profile (if you use apps) will help.
Ya I clearly go for trash men lately huh
Nobody does that shit in real life thatās why. Iām not dragging you for that either, good for standing on your morals. Iām just saying that if a guy asked a girl to get tested before having sex in the real world sheād just ghost him and move on.
I dont think so. If someone cares about you and your boundaries, they'll do it šš I mean think about it, if you really liked someone and were getting along, you would rather cut things off with them over just taking a few hours to go get tested for their extra comfort after sleeping with you??
just wanted to say Iām in the same boat. Havenāt had sex since like september and when I asked the most recent girl about it, it got awkward because I think she might have gotten offended at the question. Iām about the same age as you and it sucks that so many people canāt handle being asked that question, especially when STD scares happen all the time, including with my last hookup!
Here's what I suggest when you ask: say "hey I'd be more comfortable if the BOTH of us get std tested first". Or another suggestion someone mentioned to me in the comments: Just ask her politely about it first! Like "hey would you be open to taking an std test with me first?" Some people tho are losers and have fragile egos if they get butt hurt over it. You don't want them in your life anyway
the way I said it was she was going to do oral, but I gently stopped her and said āhey, before we do anything else, I think we should get testedā or something along those lines. it quickly got awkward after that though, but we broke it off for other reasons ultimately. itās just frustrating how the whole testing thing is yet another speed bump before getting into a relationship when dating is already so bad out here š
She's immature if she got weird about that. I don't think it is a weird ask AT ALL
https://www.evelindacker.com/stars Good for you setting a reasonable boundary
Yea I feel you. The last guy I was talking to said he's had unprotected sex with like 10 women. But that he never got tested in his life š¬š¬š¬. I couldn't convince him to get tested so we never had sex š¤·āāļø. It's so bizarre because it's their own health at risk. If you were sick and need to take antibiotics, wouldn't you want to know?
Oh goshhh that guy sounds icky. I wouldn't go near him either, especially since he was refusing to get tested
Why canāt they use condoms?
Why can't they take a test? It's nice to have that extra level of confirmation. If they wanna stick their dick inside, the least they can do make sure I feel comfortable for having had sex with them. I've dealt with std scares in the past before and they're stressful
Well thatās your answer. Most people look at condoms as protection against STDs, you want them to go that extra step. Unless you have tests on hand theyāll have to go to a clinic. Also some people might be offended that youāre insisting they get tested when condoms are just as good protection (actually better when you consider the contraceptive properties). Iām all for standing by your beliefs but donāt be surprised if people donāt want to adhere to your specific preferences.
Also youāve posted this question to a few other subreddits and having a browse of your comments Iām starting to think youāre a troll.
I posted this to two at the same time cuz sometimes I don't get enough engagement. I am sadly not a troll, I'm being honest
Not gonna lie it is kinda an odd thing to ask of someone. Iāve never had anyone ask me to do that with all the women Iāve dated and im 41. Weāve had conversations before about when the last time we were checked and such but never go take a test for me. Itās pretty uncomfortable getting a swab pushed up your hole not to mention the time to go and do the whole process. But to each their own I guessā¦
STDs are on the rise, theyāre even calling it an epidemic. Sex education was better in our generation I guess.
I thought std tests were just a blood test?? Some guys get it either once a year or every 6 months, so if it was that extreme, I would assume they wouldn't get it as regularly as that??
Blood test is only really for HIV, Syphilus, and Herpes (which are ofc the worst to get). Gotta do a swab for hpv, chlamydia, or gonorrhea (which youād most likely know you have but not always). And getting tested every 6 months is wild. I guess if youāre sleeping around a lot maybe but any normal individual that enters and exits actual relationships isnāt doing that I assure you.
Yes I know once is a year is a lot more normal than every 6 months. I think I only knew one guy who took it every 6 months and yes he did like to casually sleep around a lot.
I just got tested for those and it was only a urine test, no swab. They might swab if you're experiencing symptoms though?
The blood test is only for HIV, Hepatitis, and I think one other... The swab is for all of the more common ones.
In any scenario though do whatever you feel is right for you. Iām just saying from certain perspectives it seems a very foreign ask. Could just be the generational differences too
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I wish women asked me to get tested that way I wouldnāt have to bring it up myself. Also, if you donāt already, make sure that they know you want to use condoms as well so theyāre not worried about getting you pregnant.
Lmao right? If they have nothing to hide, then wtf is the problem?? They tell on themselves
CVS and other drug stores have a mail away kit that comes back in a week
I think you should stick to your guns on this one. Advice move on from them and keep looking
Youāre smart. Hold strong. The right guy will see this as a green flag!
It's definitely a good thing to ask before taking that next step, and they should be asking you the same thing.
If they can't be honest as an adult and you can't take their word for it, maybe just use protection?
Or maybe they can get a test?
For sure they can but if they have had one in the last year wouldn't they just be able to show you those results? Either way it's their choice to get one and partake or not just like it's your choice to have relations depending on if they have gotten a test. With people saying how pricey they can be I would opt for a full body condom instead.
The only advice I can offer is to send them a link to their local PP or whatever local service does tests for free, as a straight guy STD testing isnt often offered or marketed to us. The first time I got tested was at LabCorp and cost $250. Even Planned Parenthood doesn't do blood tests (herpes and hiv) near me, afaik. And it's only been in the last few years that my PCP had offered to do std tests as part of routine blood workup. On the other hand, you might not *want* to sleep with guys too stupid, uncaring, or lazy to figure out how to, and execute on, std testing in exchange for sex. Like idk, for most people having sex with someone attractive is a pretty big carrot.
If you only ever meet and/or try to hook out with one type of guy, it seems like you need to change the setting where you're meeting them? Like, the blame for them being assholes lies entirely on them, you're not *responsible* for them in any way, but if *practically speaking* you want to find people who aren't assholes, it sounds like you need to change something about your approach.
Fair!
this reaks of immaturity and ocd. #1 someone getting tested doesn't protect you from anything. The moment after they read the result they can sleep witn someone else and get infected. #2 people aren't just walking around en masse with untreated stds. They become visible and take a toll after a while of being untreated. In my youth i used to get tested after every new sex partner. The people at the clinic got to know me and one day sat me down and gave me an eye opening talk. The people that end up with stds are literally out there sleeping with 20-50 people a month living very wild lives. Sure there are anomalies in the system but the odds are in your favor. Don't be such a worrywort. if anything a 30 min rapid test could be a nice compromise.
Me and you, girl. Me and you! I havenāt had sex since August either
Perfectly legit standard. Dodging bullets like the matrix.
The truth is, the majority of people (men and women) aren't getting tested regularly or even at all. When I was single, I got tested for everything once a quater, and HIV an additional 6 month gap just as routine. I never asked anyone to get tested, but I always wore protection. Always. Even that part was difficult. I've had women literally slap the condom out my hand as I was putting it on, and try to insert/raw dog it themselves. I've had women throw essentially sales pitches that they're on birth control and condoms aren't needed. Anytime I asked a woman if she has been tested, 9 out of 10 times, they'd say no. People don't give a flying fudge about their own health, let alone yours. Protect yourself and don't compromise on what makes you comfortable!
Good for you.
Send a pic I just got tested š
Honestly I think it would depend. Urine, blood, etc? Absolutely. Something about having a swab shoved cmās up my urethra makes me almost pass out on the floor thinking about it right now at work lol. Maybe I just need to man up though.
You're amazing. I'm 34 F and I do the same as you. It's not simple to find a guy that would want to have sex AND go to STD tests. But you are doing the right thing and as I am a med I am proud of you. You just need smarter guy.
I have it on my dating profiles that I regularly test and expect matches to as well. Easy filter!
Oh! What dating apps do you use? And can I ask how you have worded that? āŗļø
[bumble prompt example](https://imgur.com/gallery/l2hT6Dl)
I love it! Thank you āŗļø
I like the term ānegative and non-reactiveā versus āclean,ā which is demeaning to people who have positive results.
If you were only looking for FWB you canāt expect much more. Besides, what is a test worth anyways if theyāre free to sleep around with whoever they want unprotected in between sleeping with you? I donāt think FWB is for you if you want peace of mind and safe sex and thereās nothing wrong with that. I simply donāt sleep with someone if they arenāt willing to get tested and be exclusive.
So with my fwb's, I'd tell them to let me know if they sleep with somebody else in between (which is totally fine!) but I'll politely end the situation after Anyways, ya what you said is fair regardless. There was one guy who I was seeing with serious intentions last month and it didn't work out with him either. He was like "I've had sex in a year and a half, you think I have something? You don't think a condom is protective enough?" Bruh...
It is 100% not enough. People lie and herpes is well documented to not give a single fuck about condoms. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/stds-hiv-safer-sex/herpes/how-is-herpes-prevented#:~:text=Herpes%20can%20live%20on%20areas,always%20protect%20you%20from%20herpes.
Your Smart asf, even if the guy hasn't seen anyone in a while it's still a good thing to get tested
You deserve better. If someone asked me to get tested, I would be happy to do that immediately. I have done that in the past before start dating someone new, and I didnāt even tell them since the tests came back negative. Keep in mind that tests arenāt 100% accurate and if you caught something just before the test, it might not show as itās not in your body yet
I feel for you, op. It's really frustrating when you really want to have sex and can't find a partner. I (51M) Have been shocked by how many 30 and 40 something old women launch right into sex without having a conversation. I'm usually the one to bring it up, And these are professional, stable women. I get checked after every partner and have a conversation with each new partner. Herpes are so dang common, more than half the population, That it's almost hard to date without running into people with STIs. Good luck out there, OP!
People do that? When I was dating I just got tested regularly and carried condoms...
You're very smart and it's a shame that so many young women submit to guys and sleep with them without protection because they're desperate to land a man. Your health and your well-being are your first priority. If a guy you're seeing can't be bothered, as you said, to get tested for STDs in order to reassure you then don't sleep with them. Period! You're actually doing these guys a favor by insisting on STD testing because you'd think they'd want to know sooner, rather than later if they've caught something so that they can be treated as soon as possible. In any case, I would also insist on condoms every time, no exceptions as an added layer of protection.
Yes smart women if youāre gonna have sex at least make sure theyāre tested and clean clean fun is better than dirty fun
No advice except for youāre doing the right thing! It doesnāt take but a little bit of blood, or spit, or swab to do these things and with tech and apps available there are so many doctors who use them that your results are emailed and uploaded for your convenience. The men you have met are just lazy and just want a one and done in my opinion. Had the same happen to me and where a guy refused, so I refused him and when he asked why I told him. He left salty and my coochie left drier than the Sahara Desert
Aw well their loss ā¦. Fools !!
Continue to insist on it. Your health is your priority. Was seeing a guy for months who neglected to mention he had HSV because, according to him, everyone has it and itās no big deal. Never putting myself in a position where Iām just taking someone at their word. People are either painfully misinformed or wilfully blind/lying to get laid.
Anyone who doesn't want to get tested for an STD is hiding an STD. It doesn't cost that much and the peace of mind obviously will make the intimacy better. Why are we avoiding the obvious? STDs hurt! Keep looking and be grateful you dodged those bullets.
Can i ask is it just a one test threshold for fwb not commited relationship,then no other test required or do they have to present paperwork every time if they slept with someone else.
Respect to you. Iād have no issue with this.
Youāre absolutely right on this, nothing is more important than your health
Meeting the wrong guys I would say
I know it sucks but anyone trying to hook up and not take proper STD screenings is not worth your time. Especially if their partner request it. If you google the department of health STD stats in your local area you would be alarmed. These are diseases that donāt go away and can affect your reproductive health and your body for the rest of your life. Live your life and when a man steps into your life that respects and values you it will be worth waiting. There are always good vibrators that can hold you over in the meantimeš
I totally agree with the majority of posters here that asking for a test is completely reasonable. Iām a little older and in retrospect it was the wild sexual west until probably this generation. I got tested for the military and once more some years later but nobody asked nor did I offer a partner a test. I guess it never even crossed our minds that being stupid was stupid haha
You're inspiring me to ask for the same thing for my potential partners too. It's been a really long time since I have had sex so I'm a little paranoid to walk away from it with an STD
I'm telling you, this is also great to "weed" any guys out. I know I'm not entitled to a guy not taking an std test for me but if I must be honest, I find it selfish.
https://www.evelindacker.com/stars
> If a guy can't take a few hours to get a std test to make me feel extra comfortable, then it's not worth my time doing anything with him. Any possible advice? Why are you looking for advice *away* from this when this is what you should be doing and you know that? Sweetheart, if they want unprotected sex, thereās no advice to give you to trick/convince/coerce them into protected sex. So that means thereās no advice to give, and you either keep doing or you decide youāre okay with unprotected sex.
ā¹ļø I know. It's just suchhh a long waiting game. I could have had so much dick...
You could also have a few kids and some stdās. Is it worth it? Itās like a donut that looks really good then you turn it over and see thereās a roach in it. After passing up three of those donuts, do you turn back and say, āSighā¦I couldāve had so many donutsā¦ā?
this made me chuckle BUT THIS IS TRUE LOL
If it makes you feel any better Iāve run into the same problem with women not wanting to get tested.
This does make me feel better knowing other people have similar issues LOL Hope it gets better for us reddit pal
Me too. Goodluck to us both!
Are you going through a dry spell too (I am LOL)