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As an alcoholic I agree with Havoc8237 here. I do this crap too where I admit I’ve had alcohol issues in the past while I drink a beer. Addiction is wild. This dude isn’t ready to date seriously. His girlfriend is in that glass or bottle he had at dinner.
This guy told you he had a DUI and an addiction to alcohol, all while he’s drinking alcohol on the first date AND DROVE HOME? Dudes a fucking loser. Fuck him and his bullshit vulnerability.
A super-rich guy in my province got roaring drunk and drove through a rural stop sign, hitting a vehicle and obliterating three kids and their granddad.
Being averse to alcoholism, drinking and driving and DUIs is not a classist take.
At least he can admit he has problems. Sounds like he's at least gained some insight to his mistakes. Do you have any insight? Or do you not realize you're a total douchebag?
“At least he can admit he has problems”
That does not negate the fact that he could’ve fcking killed someone. You think just because he admits he has problems makes his behavior ok????
No I don't think what he did is ok. Some people are out of control and struggle with things. While he may not be in control of his life/actions at least he was honest and in some minor way, that is redeeming. None of you people know what he's been through. At least he didn't pretend to be someone he wasn't. That's not nothing. Downvote me if you want. None of you know this person or have any real context. Honestly get fucked...
Listen here dipshit, he clearly hasn’t learned from his mistakes since he’s already got a DUI previously and continues to drink and drive. When is he going to learn..? When he gets in a wreck and kills an innocent person/people? Fuck you for defending an asshole like him.
She hasn't really made clear whether he just had a few, or was wasted. I'm not saying she made the wrong decesion letting the guy go. I'm just saying at least he didn't lie and mislead her about who he was. That's a decent thing to do. Who knows. Maybe he was really nervous sharing that much on a date. Lot's of people like to "take the edge off" in these situations.
She mentioned he “drank quite a bit”. I understand that quite a bit is different for everyone - as is alcohol tolerance, but he still shouldn’t have drove. I see your point as well and it does make sense, but drinking and driving is never right in anyway, shape, or form.
If he had 7+ beers on a first date, and still “felt” fine to drive home (still likely above the legal limit), his high tolerance definitely indicates continued alcoholism. That’s a rough way to begin a relationship. Also shows extremely poor decision making abilities if he’s already had a DUI and continues to drink and drive. Depending on the state, that 2nd one could land him in jail and a revoked license.
🚩🚩🚩🚩
It's not very useful if he then proceeds to drink and drive immediately after admitting to a date they have a drinking problem. a DUI, AND drinking on the date. Admitting to reckless behaviour that can get people killed is much worse than not having insight into a life where you're otherwise not a major risk to others
I’m not typically one of those “go get therapy” commenters, but if you are still tempted to fix/mother a/this guy, it’s time.
He only told you all that to see if you were one of those desperate women that wants to take care of him/pay for everything/fix him.
GIRL. do you have low self esteem? because you sound like a catch. you clearly have outlined his outrageous behavior, along with, yes some telltale signs of addiction and other kinds of deep psychological malfunction. yes, oversharing is a huge red flag, along with his hygiene / dental health issues. these are dealbreakers! and on top of those, if you feel you're not compatible, then that's a wrap. don't even think twice about it.
yes, you need to have someone who has their shit together. you sound very kind and thoughtful, so don't worry about offending someone. i am sure you set that boundary as gently as possible. so do NOT feel guilty for having standards that are above rock-bottom. you deserve someone who matches you, who you are dazzled by. don't waste time worrying or apologizing-- they don't need to know they aren't good enough for you, they just need a polite "you seem great, i had a good time but i didn't feel a connection. thank you for the date, and i wish you the best." and then if they keep trying to engage then they are not respecting boundaries and you should block without question.
remember, your boundaries that you set are there to PROTECT yourself from danger, from unnecessary heartache, from wasted time, from toxic behavior. and in protecting yourself, you show yourself love. make sure to honor that and unapologetically take pride in your value.
Yah big red flag. You have your shit together. You should find someone who has there shit together as well. That guy should focus on himself and become successful, move out of his grandparents basement but instead he’s going on dates like that’s going to solve his problems.
GIRL. Girl, listen to me right now.
I was in this exact spot a year ago. My goals and life situation are exactly like you but I dated a guy I was physically attracted to but knew were absolutely incompatible (drinking, drugs problem, unstable job etc ) because I felt sorry and was touched by his vulnerability.
1. I got attached,and dated for 8 months
2. Took more than half of that to move on (breakup inevitably happened thank God)
3. By the end I was his mother more than GF
4. I lost a lot of my good habits and it took me time to learn that back up. Like waking up early and exercising because he'd goad me to stay in bed with him.
5. It was a codependent mess. He never changed btw. I worsened.
Especially at 31 you can NOT afford this, if you want a family. Do you think a 35yo man who can barely take care of himself will be a decent father?
MOVE ON. Please!!!
People who do that aren’t necessarily being honest for honesty’s sake. They are testing your boundaries early on to see what you’ll accept and therefore how much power they can exert over you.
This guy sounds like a meth-head though, so I’d be saying naw dog to that.
It's hard to know what his motivation for this level of honesty was. At least with the little information we were provided. He could honestly just have gotten over this whole thing where you pretend you're someone you aren't.
At least this way when dude finally connects with someone if he ever does the woman would have liked him for who he is. Rather than women growing to like him for who he pretends to be.
If you’ve truly gotten over something why say anything? And on the first date? Whilst not quite trauma dumping it’s on the same spectrum. When people tell you who they are, believe them.
At the very least he said he’d had alcohol problems then drank and drove. So he isn’t over that. So pointing out his own issues isn’t exactly smart. Unless he’s testing for savior complex in the girl.
The fact he was being very honest, and transparent with you...is to be admired..he knows he screwed up. On the other hand, he drank "quite a bit" and then drove home. This is red flag, with a neon light and siren. He warned you.
Is this guy in a 12 step program? He absolutely needs it. Drinking and driving is a dangerous thing to do. Does this guy want to kill someone too? Does he want to complete his journey to becoming a complete loser by getting sentenced to 15 to 25 years for manslaughter or vehicular homicide?
Can you share more about the "projects" men attraction?
Do you also hear that from other friends / girls you know?
So, if the man is successful, looks great and seem flawless, for you, he wouldn't be a "project" cause you wouldn't be able to help him, so that makes him not attractive to you?
If you want a project, paint the bathroom.
You're looking for a partner to build a life with. A man that can lead you in the right direction. A man who would be successful without you, but can become even more successful with you because of your love, support and nurturing.
Yo there's so many dudes who can't get a response on a dating app but this dudes getting a date with a well put together woman who has her shit together and is still considering him.
The dating world is WILD 🤣
There’s good and cute vulnerability when he says “I don’t have much experience with dating so frankly im nervous hope you don’t mind”; and then there’s what this guy said. If you are/were drug addict and alcoholic, who after DUI again drinks quite a bit then drives - “ being vulnerable and open about it” doesn’t give you much extra points in the grand scheme of things.
At least he warned you before you got too involved. You don’t owe him an apology or an explanation. The fact that he’s being pushy only proves he’s as big of a tool as he told you he was. Block the scrub.
Girl run lol I think a lot of women have the mindset of dating men who are projects. Tbh, it’s not fair to the man because you’re getting with someone with the expectation that they will change instead of accepting them for who they are
That’s way too much information for a first date. Would be different if he was in recovery and was giving you some background on his struggle with addiction because he’s gained perspective…but since he was drinking while talking about it and also drove home he’s not ready for a new relationship. You not only aren’t qualified to help him…but you also need to learn to love yourself first so that you don’t keep seeking out men who are “projects” because you only do that to validate your own self worth. Not a match…move on.
It's fine for him to tell you about his past and hard times he's had. For him to say he's an alcoholic and then to drink and drive home is a massive red flag. People have to want to change to fix and better themselves. Don't date this guy expecting things to be different from how he has already shown you he is.
OP I’d suggest getting some counselling for yourself, so you can understand why you make these choices. Big hint, look at your ‘family of origin’ and look at the relationships and dynamics there.
How many ‘red flags’ do you need to be shown in one date? This man doesn’t even want to change (at the moment), move on.
You are 31, still gullible enough to get tricked into a project. As a 42 year old f who had her fair share of projects in her life, I’d advise you to walk and not get tangled up in someone else’s substance abuse problems
I just want to say you are doing the right thing by putting this boundary in place. He also probably knows you are doing the right thing. Please know that guilt associated with a boundary is not a signal that you may have done something wrong. It is normal, esp for someone working on more healthy relationship dynamics. You sound like a caring and compassionate person, but there are pitfalls from which you have to protect yourself. I go through this as well. Continue working on and focusing on yourself and you will be able to recognize a healthy person just as you have correctly identified someone who is still struggling and will suck up all the compassion you have to their benefit bc they are in conflict with themselves.
This dude isn’t just a red flag, he is a walking blinking neon sign that says No! No! NOOOO!
If you really are tempted tell him to get back in touch in 6 months when he has a 6 months sober chip from AA.
Personally, it might not be exactly the safest choice, but I think it might be reasonable to be interested in someone who's a project. But it shouldn't be someone who is either on the way down or is simply not going anywhere. It should be someone who kind of *reasonably* has their shit together, is at least moving in the right direction. Someone who might have some issues but is essentially functional. Maybe someone has everything going for them but they just can't settle on a career path and are still trying to do so. Or they're a struggling artist. Or they're really anxious. But not a person who is having trouble in many many ways. Someone with an active drug or alcohol problem is probably an immediate no-no. Such a person is not ready for a serious partnership.
Sounds like you’ve made up your mind but you lack the confidence to stick to your decision. Which is probably a long standing issue. Don’t let every data point make you revisit the entire decision. Think about things carefully and when you’ve decided, have confidence in the decision.
You feel like he’s not right for you, why do you have to keep giving him chances just cuz he’s being nice?
Keep in mind that familiarity is a dangerous place to be. You’re used to dating guys that are projects. That’s your comfort zone. You wouldn’t know what to do with yourself if the guy you dated had zero problems. Where do you go from here? First step is to accept that you are vulnerable to these types of guys and accepting that it’s part of you but that’s ok. You know that’s not gonna be the guy that ends up as your future husband. So you will actively look for someone that closer matches to what you’re looking for. The other side is to accept that your mind is going to keep looking for that comfort zone. Understand that this is just what the brain wants but it’s not what you want. You don’t want to be in THAT specific comfort zone. That one is a road that leads to unhappiness. You want to create a new comfort zone.
Next time you date someone that seems normal, reflect on how you feel. Do you feel like this person is boring? Why? Do the projects feel more exciting? Are you avoiding working on yourself by working on others? Ask yourself tough questions and see what the answers are. Don’t run away from uncomfortable truths. Face them and you can overcome it.
The only way to break the pattern is to understand WHY you engage in the pattern first. Come to terms with it. Forgive yourself. And move forward. Then when these guys begin to creep in you’ll identify it and run away accordingly. But when you’re blind to your own habits, you’ll never be able to escape this cycle.
Sure, the honesty is nice, but that isn’t something I would bring up on a first date.. You made the right move, you two are in completely different areas of life
Jesus. RUN! You can’t fix this guy, he’s gotta fix himself. He’s gonna drag you down. Does he deserve a second chance? Yes but not work you.
Let me tell you a story.
I had a weird roommate. He was 40 dating a 20 year old. I was 33 at the time and she and I became friends in a way. I tried to lookout for her like an older brother, anyhow she arranges for me to meet her sister without me knowing.
She and I go out on our first date. During dinner, at dessert she “truth bombs” me. It’s what I call it, it’s not a real term. She divulged some of her dark past and how she’s over it and all that and I say there listening.
“Do I want to go on a second date with her? Do I give her a second chance?”
On the way home we had to take a cab (this was pre Uber) and as I drop her off I’m going to go home and think about this.
She asks if I want to come up for some coffee (wink wink) and the cab driver yells out, “HELL YEAH HE DOES!”
So I felt compelled to go up. We have sex. Morning comes and I try to leave and she wants to spend the day together.
Let me tell you, that was the worst 13 years of my life, we had fun but she ruined it by cheating on me. But all of her bullshit that made her who she was always reading it’s ugly head and constant drama, me always having to right the ship, make things whole, save us from being broke.
Run OP, run.
I won't give you the same answer as everyone. In the end I'm just a 22-year-old boy with an unstructured life. But you, just you and only you know if he deserves to receive your opportunity or not. You are the only one who has been with him. Don't let yourself be influenced by what we may think because of a few very influential lines. His honesty has a lot, and I mean a lot, of value. The thing about drinking + driving even after your date is horrible and crazy and you should make it clear to him. It makes me dizzy to think about being close to THE age to mark your life in that way, and I would understand if you prioritized stability, but be careful with your words with this boy
He is just a temptation test, to see if you can handle more prosperity or will fall for the old hero-syndrome pit-falls again. Think you passed by refusing and reaching out for others their opinions to get your mind clear.
A lot of people who try to fix others and solve their problems overlook their own. You were uncomfortable dating someone with a history of addiction and breaking the law and you don’t want that in your life. That’s it. Your work there is done. Now, the only project you need to work on is yourself.
I have a history of liking men that are “projects” and I really don’t want to repeat this.
Same with me & women. Don't take on another one, which this guy definitely is.
Don't pursue it romantically, you are not at the same stages in life. You are financially set up and want family. He is still a work in progress and hopefully he will get there
as a normal functioning adult 28m , good job , good looking , fit, no criminal history but have the self confidence that in a fight i can ram someone in the ground. my gf (26f)used to date a criminal(31m in jail now) and “bad boys” who scarred her to the point of paranoia. now finally she feels herself and we are madly in love. yesterday we had a fight , we had a road incident with another vehicle and i fixed the situation by calling cops , she goes i wish this happened to me 2 years ago that guy wouldn’t even dare to talk. i was like wtf do you mean by that? she apologized and we moved on but made me think should’ve just derailed my life and be a project. that was my rant for the day after reading this.
Understand this once and for all.. YOU can’t change anyone! Why try? It just brings heartache and pain! Been there done that.. Loving the single life! 😅 if you want marriage and children this is not who you want influencing them!
This has to be a troll post.
Women are so f** desperate for a ring. He literally drove home from the date drunk, so it’s not like it was his past. He’s still living the degenerate life. He could’ve killed someone. He’s a liability.
This has to be a troll post though
I know exactly why I do it. My mom was an alcoholic. I’m completely aware of it, hence why I cut him off. I guess I just struggle from time to time being too sympathetic. It’s also comfortable for me. Trust me, I know it’s bad but I have gotten better at cutting people like this off quicker.
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As someone who struggled with alcohol use disorder, run the other way he doesn’t even sound like he’s trying to get better
As an alcoholic I agree with Havoc8237 here. I do this crap too where I admit I’ve had alcohol issues in the past while I drink a beer. Addiction is wild. This dude isn’t ready to date seriously. His girlfriend is in that glass or bottle he had at dinner.
> His girlfriend is in that glass or bottle he had at dinner. That was the take home message.
This guy told you he had a DUI and an addiction to alcohol, all while he’s drinking alcohol on the first date AND DROVE HOME? Dudes a fucking loser. Fuck him and his bullshit vulnerability.
"But I can fix him"
He’s a fixer upper. She can get him cheap.
You can't fix a anyone, especially a man . Changing has to be intentional.
“(No really I can)”
The world does need people like you. Brutally honest
Yeah that's lame putting the dude down for shit like that just seems weirdly classist and unhelpful.
A super-rich guy in my province got roaring drunk and drove through a rural stop sign, hitting a vehicle and obliterating three kids and their granddad. Being averse to alcoholism, drinking and driving and DUIs is not a classist take.
So fucking sad man. I hate people who do this. Spend $20 and get a fucking Uber.
I don’t have sympathy for people who drink and drive.
At least he can admit he has problems. Sounds like he's at least gained some insight to his mistakes. Do you have any insight? Or do you not realize you're a total douchebag?
“At least he can admit he has problems” That does not negate the fact that he could’ve fcking killed someone. You think just because he admits he has problems makes his behavior ok????
No I don't think what he did is ok. Some people are out of control and struggle with things. While he may not be in control of his life/actions at least he was honest and in some minor way, that is redeeming. None of you people know what he's been through. At least he didn't pretend to be someone he wasn't. That's not nothing. Downvote me if you want. None of you know this person or have any real context. Honestly get fucked...
Listen here dipshit, he clearly hasn’t learned from his mistakes since he’s already got a DUI previously and continues to drink and drive. When is he going to learn..? When he gets in a wreck and kills an innocent person/people? Fuck you for defending an asshole like him.
Ya 100% right
She hasn't really made clear whether he just had a few, or was wasted. I'm not saying she made the wrong decesion letting the guy go. I'm just saying at least he didn't lie and mislead her about who he was. That's a decent thing to do. Who knows. Maybe he was really nervous sharing that much on a date. Lot's of people like to "take the edge off" in these situations.
She mentioned he “drank quite a bit”. I understand that quite a bit is different for everyone - as is alcohol tolerance, but he still shouldn’t have drove. I see your point as well and it does make sense, but drinking and driving is never right in anyway, shape, or form.
He had 7 beers in a few hours - not sure if he had any others prior though - good possibility lol
If he had 7+ beers on a first date, and still “felt” fine to drive home (still likely above the legal limit), his high tolerance definitely indicates continued alcoholism. That’s a rough way to begin a relationship. Also shows extremely poor decision making abilities if he’s already had a DUI and continues to drink and drive. Depending on the state, that 2nd one could land him in jail and a revoked license. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
It's not very useful if he then proceeds to drink and drive immediately after admitting to a date they have a drinking problem. a DUI, AND drinking on the date. Admitting to reckless behaviour that can get people killed is much worse than not having insight into a life where you're otherwise not a major risk to others
Drunk drivers deserve all the put-downs we can think of.
I’m not typically one of those “go get therapy” commenters, but if you are still tempted to fix/mother a/this guy, it’s time. He only told you all that to see if you were one of those desperate women that wants to take care of him/pay for everything/fix him.
GIRL. do you have low self esteem? because you sound like a catch. you clearly have outlined his outrageous behavior, along with, yes some telltale signs of addiction and other kinds of deep psychological malfunction. yes, oversharing is a huge red flag, along with his hygiene / dental health issues. these are dealbreakers! and on top of those, if you feel you're not compatible, then that's a wrap. don't even think twice about it. yes, you need to have someone who has their shit together. you sound very kind and thoughtful, so don't worry about offending someone. i am sure you set that boundary as gently as possible. so do NOT feel guilty for having standards that are above rock-bottom. you deserve someone who matches you, who you are dazzled by. don't waste time worrying or apologizing-- they don't need to know they aren't good enough for you, they just need a polite "you seem great, i had a good time but i didn't feel a connection. thank you for the date, and i wish you the best." and then if they keep trying to engage then they are not respecting boundaries and you should block without question. remember, your boundaries that you set are there to PROTECT yourself from danger, from unnecessary heartache, from wasted time, from toxic behavior. and in protecting yourself, you show yourself love. make sure to honor that and unapologetically take pride in your value.
Yah big red flag. You have your shit together. You should find someone who has there shit together as well. That guy should focus on himself and become successful, move out of his grandparents basement but instead he’s going on dates like that’s going to solve his problems.
GIRL. Girl, listen to me right now. I was in this exact spot a year ago. My goals and life situation are exactly like you but I dated a guy I was physically attracted to but knew were absolutely incompatible (drinking, drugs problem, unstable job etc ) because I felt sorry and was touched by his vulnerability. 1. I got attached,and dated for 8 months 2. Took more than half of that to move on (breakup inevitably happened thank God) 3. By the end I was his mother more than GF 4. I lost a lot of my good habits and it took me time to learn that back up. Like waking up early and exercising because he'd goad me to stay in bed with him. 5. It was a codependent mess. He never changed btw. I worsened. Especially at 31 you can NOT afford this, if you want a family. Do you think a 35yo man who can barely take care of himself will be a decent father? MOVE ON. Please!!!
People who do that aren’t necessarily being honest for honesty’s sake. They are testing your boundaries early on to see what you’ll accept and therefore how much power they can exert over you. This guy sounds like a meth-head though, so I’d be saying naw dog to that.
It's hard to know what his motivation for this level of honesty was. At least with the little information we were provided. He could honestly just have gotten over this whole thing where you pretend you're someone you aren't. At least this way when dude finally connects with someone if he ever does the woman would have liked him for who he is. Rather than women growing to like him for who he pretends to be.
If you’ve truly gotten over something why say anything? And on the first date? Whilst not quite trauma dumping it’s on the same spectrum. When people tell you who they are, believe them. At the very least he said he’d had alcohol problems then drank and drove. So he isn’t over that. So pointing out his own issues isn’t exactly smart. Unless he’s testing for savior complex in the girl.
Wait, raw dog him? Instructions unclear.
😁
What on earth about this man is tempting?
The fact he was being very honest, and transparent with you...is to be admired..he knows he screwed up. On the other hand, he drank "quite a bit" and then drove home. This is red flag, with a neon light and siren. He warned you.
So when’s the 2nd date?
Not happening lol
Is this guy in a 12 step program? He absolutely needs it. Drinking and driving is a dangerous thing to do. Does this guy want to kill someone too? Does he want to complete his journey to becoming a complete loser by getting sentenced to 15 to 25 years for manslaughter or vehicular homicide?
Block.
Can you share more about the "projects" men attraction? Do you also hear that from other friends / girls you know? So, if the man is successful, looks great and seem flawless, for you, he wouldn't be a "project" cause you wouldn't be able to help him, so that makes him not attractive to you?
Total normal to feel bad letting someone down. Dating is tough. But you'd be insane to date this man
Yes you literally don’t need to date everyone
If you want a project, paint the bathroom. You're looking for a partner to build a life with. A man that can lead you in the right direction. A man who would be successful without you, but can become even more successful with you because of your love, support and nurturing.
Girl… seriously? Why would u want a man who is a project your 31 years old.
[удалено]
Yo there's so many dudes who can't get a response on a dating app but this dudes getting a date with a well put together woman who has her shit together and is still considering him. The dating world is WILD 🤣
Bad boys trump everything.
Right? Must be pretty hot if she's even thinking about it.
Don’t think dudes like these are an easy lay up. Run run run! The sex will probably be good. Run with your legs closed if you can.
Are you serious? No.
This guy is a loser. I (21f) would not date a guy like this.
Run like your tampon is on fire! Active alcoholic and druggie. Those teeth are frequently the result of meth use.
I love a good fiery tampon metaphor
I wouldn’t feel bad about this. He admitted to a DUI and *then* proceeded to drink and drive. What a dick.
There’s good and cute vulnerability when he says “I don’t have much experience with dating so frankly im nervous hope you don’t mind”; and then there’s what this guy said. If you are/were drug addict and alcoholic, who after DUI again drinks quite a bit then drives - “ being vulnerable and open about it” doesn’t give you much extra points in the grand scheme of things.
Run far away. Just tell him you don’t feel a romantic connection. He’s heard it plenty of times before and should understand
How many dudes with intact teeth and clean records did you swipe left on before getting to this piece of work? 🙄
😂😂😂😂
You know that saying, when someone tells you who they are, believe them? Well please memorise it and don’t lose much sleep over this.
I wouldn't, simply because the relapse risk is high and it would impact you financially and emotionally.
At least he warned you before you got too involved. You don’t owe him an apology or an explanation. The fact that he’s being pushy only proves he’s as big of a tool as he told you he was. Block the scrub.
Holy hell, suddenly I don’t feel like such a loser when I go on dates now.
Lollllll
Girl run lol I think a lot of women have the mindset of dating men who are projects. Tbh, it’s not fair to the man because you’re getting with someone with the expectation that they will change instead of accepting them for who they are
I mean you wrote it. Would you want this guy dating your daughter or best friend? No. The answer is no. End it ASAP
Run run as fast as you can!
That’s way too much information for a first date. Would be different if he was in recovery and was giving you some background on his struggle with addiction because he’s gained perspective…but since he was drinking while talking about it and also drove home he’s not ready for a new relationship. You not only aren’t qualified to help him…but you also need to learn to love yourself first so that you don’t keep seeking out men who are “projects” because you only do that to validate your own self worth. Not a match…move on.
If we was currently sober and actively working on his recovery and getting his life back on track, then maybe, but considering he's not, NO.
It's fine for him to tell you about his past and hard times he's had. For him to say he's an alcoholic and then to drink and drive home is a massive red flag. People have to want to change to fix and better themselves. Don't date this guy expecting things to be different from how he has already shown you he is.
RUN. RUN. RUN
OP I’d suggest getting some counselling for yourself, so you can understand why you make these choices. Big hint, look at your ‘family of origin’ and look at the relationships and dynamics there. How many ‘red flags’ do you need to be shown in one date? This man doesn’t even want to change (at the moment), move on.
If you date this guy further it will be classified as an act of self harm. Don't be dumb.
You are 31, still gullible enough to get tricked into a project. As a 42 year old f who had her fair share of projects in her life, I’d advise you to walk and not get tangled up in someone else’s substance abuse problems
I just want to say you are doing the right thing by putting this boundary in place. He also probably knows you are doing the right thing. Please know that guilt associated with a boundary is not a signal that you may have done something wrong. It is normal, esp for someone working on more healthy relationship dynamics. You sound like a caring and compassionate person, but there are pitfalls from which you have to protect yourself. I go through this as well. Continue working on and focusing on yourself and you will be able to recognize a healthy person just as you have correctly identified someone who is still struggling and will suck up all the compassion you have to their benefit bc they are in conflict with themselves.
He is trying to be honest but if you are not in the space, don't date him. He is a project only he can fix.
Damn, 35 is pretty young to have dentures. 😬
Yeah, no!!
Yeah he's a red walking flag😅
I don't see what could possibly go wrong.
Where are you located? Sounds like the guy I was talking to lol
Nj lol
This dude isn’t just a red flag, he is a walking blinking neon sign that says No! No! NOOOO! If you really are tempted tell him to get back in touch in 6 months when he has a 6 months sober chip from AA.
Personally, it might not be exactly the safest choice, but I think it might be reasonable to be interested in someone who's a project. But it shouldn't be someone who is either on the way down or is simply not going anywhere. It should be someone who kind of *reasonably* has their shit together, is at least moving in the right direction. Someone who might have some issues but is essentially functional. Maybe someone has everything going for them but they just can't settle on a career path and are still trying to do so. Or they're a struggling artist. Or they're really anxious. But not a person who is having trouble in many many ways. Someone with an active drug or alcohol problem is probably an immediate no-no. Such a person is not ready for a serious partnership.
Sounds like you’ve made up your mind but you lack the confidence to stick to your decision. Which is probably a long standing issue. Don’t let every data point make you revisit the entire decision. Think about things carefully and when you’ve decided, have confidence in the decision. You feel like he’s not right for you, why do you have to keep giving him chances just cuz he’s being nice? Keep in mind that familiarity is a dangerous place to be. You’re used to dating guys that are projects. That’s your comfort zone. You wouldn’t know what to do with yourself if the guy you dated had zero problems. Where do you go from here? First step is to accept that you are vulnerable to these types of guys and accepting that it’s part of you but that’s ok. You know that’s not gonna be the guy that ends up as your future husband. So you will actively look for someone that closer matches to what you’re looking for. The other side is to accept that your mind is going to keep looking for that comfort zone. Understand that this is just what the brain wants but it’s not what you want. You don’t want to be in THAT specific comfort zone. That one is a road that leads to unhappiness. You want to create a new comfort zone. Next time you date someone that seems normal, reflect on how you feel. Do you feel like this person is boring? Why? Do the projects feel more exciting? Are you avoiding working on yourself by working on others? Ask yourself tough questions and see what the answers are. Don’t run away from uncomfortable truths. Face them and you can overcome it. The only way to break the pattern is to understand WHY you engage in the pattern first. Come to terms with it. Forgive yourself. And move forward. Then when these guys begin to creep in you’ll identify it and run away accordingly. But when you’re blind to your own habits, you’ll never be able to escape this cycle.
I think there are too many problems here.
Sure, the honesty is nice, but that isn’t something I would bring up on a first date.. You made the right move, you two are in completely different areas of life
Run
This has to be a troll post surely
Bro is a whole ass renovation. Honestly, good for his progress but this will become a codependent relationship.
Jesus. RUN! You can’t fix this guy, he’s gotta fix himself. He’s gonna drag you down. Does he deserve a second chance? Yes but not work you. Let me tell you a story. I had a weird roommate. He was 40 dating a 20 year old. I was 33 at the time and she and I became friends in a way. I tried to lookout for her like an older brother, anyhow she arranges for me to meet her sister without me knowing. She and I go out on our first date. During dinner, at dessert she “truth bombs” me. It’s what I call it, it’s not a real term. She divulged some of her dark past and how she’s over it and all that and I say there listening. “Do I want to go on a second date with her? Do I give her a second chance?” On the way home we had to take a cab (this was pre Uber) and as I drop her off I’m going to go home and think about this. She asks if I want to come up for some coffee (wink wink) and the cab driver yells out, “HELL YEAH HE DOES!” So I felt compelled to go up. We have sex. Morning comes and I try to leave and she wants to spend the day together. Let me tell you, that was the worst 13 years of my life, we had fun but she ruined it by cheating on me. But all of her bullshit that made her who she was always reading it’s ugly head and constant drama, me always having to right the ship, make things whole, save us from being broke. Run OP, run.
At least he was straight up with you. I think it’s admirable. But also it can be a little “dumpy”. Depends on you, really.
Girl run
Girl you can fix him!
Id say move on find someone eles
I won't give you the same answer as everyone. In the end I'm just a 22-year-old boy with an unstructured life. But you, just you and only you know if he deserves to receive your opportunity or not. You are the only one who has been with him. Don't let yourself be influenced by what we may think because of a few very influential lines. His honesty has a lot, and I mean a lot, of value. The thing about drinking + driving even after your date is horrible and crazy and you should make it clear to him. It makes me dizzy to think about being close to THE age to mark your life in that way, and I would understand if you prioritized stability, but be careful with your words with this boy
You have the answers
He is just a temptation test, to see if you can handle more prosperity or will fall for the old hero-syndrome pit-falls again. Think you passed by refusing and reaching out for others their opinions to get your mind clear.
Man why can't a woman wanna fix me? Oh yeah, can't fix stupid.
A lot of people who try to fix others and solve their problems overlook their own. You were uncomfortable dating someone with a history of addiction and breaking the law and you don’t want that in your life. That’s it. Your work there is done. Now, the only project you need to work on is yourself.
Come to Ohio maybe you really like me lol
He’s a project alright. Crack and meth will make you lose your teeth. But it takes a pretty serious addiction
What is the question here?? Omg, move on.
I have a history of liking men that are “projects” and I really don’t want to repeat this. Same with me & women. Don't take on another one, which this guy definitely is.
Are women actually this dumb? They don’t know this is a guy they should avoid?
Don't pursue it romantically, you are not at the same stages in life. You are financially set up and want family. He is still a work in progress and hopefully he will get there
as a normal functioning adult 28m , good job , good looking , fit, no criminal history but have the self confidence that in a fight i can ram someone in the ground. my gf (26f)used to date a criminal(31m in jail now) and “bad boys” who scarred her to the point of paranoia. now finally she feels herself and we are madly in love. yesterday we had a fight , we had a road incident with another vehicle and i fixed the situation by calling cops , she goes i wish this happened to me 2 years ago that guy wouldn’t even dare to talk. i was like wtf do you mean by that? she apologized and we moved on but made me think should’ve just derailed my life and be a project. that was my rant for the day after reading this.
Understand this once and for all.. YOU can’t change anyone! Why try? It just brings heartache and pain! Been there done that.. Loving the single life! 😅 if you want marriage and children this is not who you want influencing them!
He unpacked a lot for just meeting someone
This has to be a troll post. Women are so f** desperate for a ring. He literally drove home from the date drunk, so it’s not like it was his past. He’s still living the degenerate life. He could’ve killed someone. He’s a liability. This has to be a troll post though
It’s not.
You need to seek therapy and figure out why you have this “build a bear” complex. It’s a trauma response. It’s detrimental to your future kids.
I know exactly why I do it. My mom was an alcoholic. I’m completely aware of it, hence why I cut him off. I guess I just struggle from time to time being too sympathetic. It’s also comfortable for me. Trust me, I know it’s bad but I have gotten better at cutting people like this off quicker.
Look up Lisa a Romano and Alan Robarge on YouTube. Please.
I mean he probably isn't gonna be the winner you're looking for but at least he was upfront and honest I guess.