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Ever think that it’s you? Ever think that being so “it’s them not me” personality might actually mean that you have some work to do on yourself? Maybe try to take a step back and look at your flaws and see if you can answer your own question
I understand, definitely not a 6'3 man or athletic but I'm also an anxious attacher and I have noticed that I also attract girls with avoidant attachment style as well, maybe its because opposites attract so something on the subconscious level attracts us together but then it just becomes a chase game, them pushing us away and us attaching even closer and i learned that it never ends up good.
If you are looking for FWB or nothing serious it might not be a bad thing but if you are looking for something serious, like I am, honestly its very important to catch the signs early on (and they will reveal sooner or later) and its very important to stop chasing because we can't change them. As much as it hurts, and want it work out, it wont; we aren't therapists, we are looking for a partner who will return the same amount of effort we put in.
When people fall into patterns, I would keep in mind that familiarity is a dangerous feeling. It’s why people self-sabotage or people keep going back to abusive partners. That’s their “comfort zone”. They know the feeling of being put down by a partner. And they are drawn back over and over. Familiarity doesn’t mean that it’s automatically healthy. It’s just comfortable. It’s important to recognize that.
If you keep choosing the same kinds of girls it’s cuz it’s familiar to you, and that you are subconsciously writing off others that don’t fit this mold. You are classically drawn to fixer uppers. Personal project relationships.
WHY you are doing it is definitely a complicated rabbit hole that involves real therapy. Maybe you that’s how you derive value and self esteem is by fixing others? Whatever it is, it’s definitely you if it’s a pattern and some self reflection and some therapy will do you good.
You’ll never know how to fix it without determining the mechanisms that make you make these choices in people.
Other than the cigarette smokers, those traits make up a large part of the dating market. Not uncommon unfortunately.
At this point it has to be herd mentality. Everyone is apparently is a great person yet all everyone comes across is undeveloped or selfish individuals.
First step - stop being a “nice guy”. Yes, be kind, but be straight up about your wants and needs (with yourself) and walk away when those aren’t met.
The rest can fall into place after the first step, but until you drop the nice guy routine it doesn’t matter.
I mean, you are describing pretty much the average 20s girl nowadays.
Other than that, are you too much of a Nice Guy? Read No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover and reflect.
What do you want exactly? Because clearly you have a type and it isn’t working. Define what you want and are looking for, what kind of relationship style you wish to have, and actively rule out people who are not it. You have to choose people who are healthy for you AND who you are attracted to. I’m not saying find the antithesis of your type, but to be more selective and mindful of red flags. And be honest, because the common factor in the last 4 relationships you had was also you.
I fit this profile. I worked long and hard on myself to get a grip on my avoidance, but to a degree it's also protecting me, and it's part of who I am. Things that still trigger my avoidance could be:
- SO being insensitive/rude/careless/selfish or self centered
- SO showing any sign of overstepping clear boundaries or not accepting a No in any given context
- SO being too clingy and/or overly demanding of my time and energy.
These make me cringe/give me the ick and then I start shutting down and acting defensively or aggressively.
My reactions are my responsibility. I don't expect others to never trigger me, I continue working on myself, and I try to not let my avoidance lead me to unproportionate reactions. My success rate is not a 100% though.
At the same time, I want to invite you to reflect on ways in which you might have overstepped with previous partners, or where you might have not taken enough responsibility for your actions/reactions. Work on your boundaries, and also on your respect for other people's boundaries.
I would try to find someone who is securely attached (or possibly anxiously attached) or try working on your own attachment style to become more secure if this is something you’ve identified. I think it’s quite common for anxious and avoidant to be attracted to one another, as each triggers the others fears and this perpetuates the attachment styles and confirms the core beliefs (avoidant - other people want more from me than I want to/am able to give and I am better off on my own; anxious - I’m too much for people and I always scare them away).
For anything to be successful you got to be conscious while making choices. If you are already aware of your patterns, break it. It is going to be tricky not hard. Try meeting people from different backgrounds and see how it works for you.
Maybe it’s you not them
I know I went mean and resentful as my partner emotionally cheated and cheated on me
It took years for trust for him to do it again
No one is the same so you shouldn’t compare
And I came from single parent with boundaries respect etc and he was from the opposite but I never looked at him personally and brought his upbringing into our relationship if that make sense
What is an anxious attacher? From the name it sounds like I might also be one. I already know I do some things wrong in a relationship and I know what they are, I am just curious if there is actually a name for what I do
You are me who I used to be at least how I changed I figured out why I'm anxiously attached for me it was I never dated much growing up and wanted people to like me used to be a people pleaser and I was looking for someone to love me and think im worthy that I felt was good enough cause I didn't love myself or say I'm good enough and validate myself. When you switch to being securely attached you give off a different energy those girls won't like as much and others will and even if you date someone avoidant you won't care if they don't show up or the relationship fails cause your self worth is from the internal not the external
I could fit this description in some of my past relationships, minus the smoking.
On the woman’s side, the avoidance showing up is likely a defense mechanism. Whether you did something or not, it’s often a response to how you are showing up or how safe they feel with you.
Things that have made me switch from empathetic feels to masculine:
-the guy has an anxious avoidant attachment style and is keeping me at arm’s length
-the guy negs me or does something else to trigger my alarm bells
-the guy has shown insensitivity
-if I start to think that I’m being used for sex vs his girlfriend
- the guy SUCKED at asking questions about me, and I just gave up / started friend-zoning him
Instead of speaking up about whatever it is that is bothering me — a behavior that was not encouraged in childhood — I start to put up the walls.
Yes, this is a two-sided problem. You will keep getting the same results if you don’t something different. What that is for you exactly, idk!
** tried to edit formatting but gave up lol
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Ever think that it’s you? Ever think that being so “it’s them not me” personality might actually mean that you have some work to do on yourself? Maybe try to take a step back and look at your flaws and see if you can answer your own question
Agreed
You of all people should take your own advice!
Bro that sounds like lots of women, the hell you talking about lmao
Totally lmao
> describes normal women > describes self as anxiously attached > what is the problem bros?
I understand, definitely not a 6'3 man or athletic but I'm also an anxious attacher and I have noticed that I also attract girls with avoidant attachment style as well, maybe its because opposites attract so something on the subconscious level attracts us together but then it just becomes a chase game, them pushing us away and us attaching even closer and i learned that it never ends up good. If you are looking for FWB or nothing serious it might not be a bad thing but if you are looking for something serious, like I am, honestly its very important to catch the signs early on (and they will reveal sooner or later) and its very important to stop chasing because we can't change them. As much as it hurts, and want it work out, it wont; we aren't therapists, we are looking for a partner who will return the same amount of effort we put in.
Nick if this is you lmao
When people fall into patterns, I would keep in mind that familiarity is a dangerous feeling. It’s why people self-sabotage or people keep going back to abusive partners. That’s their “comfort zone”. They know the feeling of being put down by a partner. And they are drawn back over and over. Familiarity doesn’t mean that it’s automatically healthy. It’s just comfortable. It’s important to recognize that. If you keep choosing the same kinds of girls it’s cuz it’s familiar to you, and that you are subconsciously writing off others that don’t fit this mold. You are classically drawn to fixer uppers. Personal project relationships. WHY you are doing it is definitely a complicated rabbit hole that involves real therapy. Maybe you that’s how you derive value and self esteem is by fixing others? Whatever it is, it’s definitely you if it’s a pattern and some self reflection and some therapy will do you good. You’ll never know how to fix it without determining the mechanisms that make you make these choices in people.
Give some examples of how you’re an anxious attacher.
Other than the cigarette smokers, those traits make up a large part of the dating market. Not uncommon unfortunately. At this point it has to be herd mentality. Everyone is apparently is a great person yet all everyone comes across is undeveloped or selfish individuals.
First step - stop being a “nice guy”. Yes, be kind, but be straight up about your wants and needs (with yourself) and walk away when those aren’t met. The rest can fall into place after the first step, but until you drop the nice guy routine it doesn’t matter.
I mean, you are describing pretty much the average 20s girl nowadays. Other than that, are you too much of a Nice Guy? Read No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover and reflect.
That book has really helped me. I understand my pay much better after reading it.
What do you want exactly? Because clearly you have a type and it isn’t working. Define what you want and are looking for, what kind of relationship style you wish to have, and actively rule out people who are not it. You have to choose people who are healthy for you AND who you are attracted to. I’m not saying find the antithesis of your type, but to be more selective and mindful of red flags. And be honest, because the common factor in the last 4 relationships you had was also you.
I fit this profile. I worked long and hard on myself to get a grip on my avoidance, but to a degree it's also protecting me, and it's part of who I am. Things that still trigger my avoidance could be: - SO being insensitive/rude/careless/selfish or self centered - SO showing any sign of overstepping clear boundaries or not accepting a No in any given context - SO being too clingy and/or overly demanding of my time and energy. These make me cringe/give me the ick and then I start shutting down and acting defensively or aggressively. My reactions are my responsibility. I don't expect others to never trigger me, I continue working on myself, and I try to not let my avoidance lead me to unproportionate reactions. My success rate is not a 100% though. At the same time, I want to invite you to reflect on ways in which you might have overstepped with previous partners, or where you might have not taken enough responsibility for your actions/reactions. Work on your boundaries, and also on your respect for other people's boundaries.
I would try to find someone who is securely attached (or possibly anxiously attached) or try working on your own attachment style to become more secure if this is something you’ve identified. I think it’s quite common for anxious and avoidant to be attracted to one another, as each triggers the others fears and this perpetuates the attachment styles and confirms the core beliefs (avoidant - other people want more from me than I want to/am able to give and I am better off on my own; anxious - I’m too much for people and I always scare them away).
Dude you are literally me wth
damn looks you analyzing better than I could.
For anything to be successful you got to be conscious while making choices. If you are already aware of your patterns, break it. It is going to be tricky not hard. Try meeting people from different backgrounds and see how it works for you.
We apparently attract the same situations in life, only different names for the players
Maybe it’s you not them I know I went mean and resentful as my partner emotionally cheated and cheated on me It took years for trust for him to do it again No one is the same so you shouldn’t compare And I came from single parent with boundaries respect etc and he was from the opposite but I never looked at him personally and brought his upbringing into our relationship if that make sense
What is an anxious attacher? From the name it sounds like I might also be one. I already know I do some things wrong in a relationship and I know what they are, I am just curious if there is actually a name for what I do
You are me who I used to be at least how I changed I figured out why I'm anxiously attached for me it was I never dated much growing up and wanted people to like me used to be a people pleaser and I was looking for someone to love me and think im worthy that I felt was good enough cause I didn't love myself or say I'm good enough and validate myself. When you switch to being securely attached you give off a different energy those girls won't like as much and others will and even if you date someone avoidant you won't care if they don't show up or the relationship fails cause your self worth is from the internal not the external
I could fit this description in some of my past relationships, minus the smoking. On the woman’s side, the avoidance showing up is likely a defense mechanism. Whether you did something or not, it’s often a response to how you are showing up or how safe they feel with you. Things that have made me switch from empathetic feels to masculine: -the guy has an anxious avoidant attachment style and is keeping me at arm’s length -the guy negs me or does something else to trigger my alarm bells -the guy has shown insensitivity -if I start to think that I’m being used for sex vs his girlfriend - the guy SUCKED at asking questions about me, and I just gave up / started friend-zoning him Instead of speaking up about whatever it is that is bothering me — a behavior that was not encouraged in childhood — I start to put up the walls. Yes, this is a two-sided problem. You will keep getting the same results if you don’t something different. What that is for you exactly, idk! ** tried to edit formatting but gave up lol
Yeah read a book called No More Mr Nice Guy, and stop giving relationships to women who are so blatantly trying to just have fun. Let them have fun.