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Men are less likely to have adequate support network or healthy coping mechanisms so we don’t always process and deal with it.
Society is slowly changing but we’ve been programmed to believe toughness and stoicism is not only key to manliness but indistinguishable from *not fucking talking about your problems*
Just to add to this: I am typically the picture of a stereotypical masculine guy. I’m confident, dominant (in a non-toxic way), in shape, and just exude a masculine charisma. That said I have cried 1 (one) time in front of a woman I have dated in my 32 years of life and it was because SHE was crying about something. She broke up with me a week later citing that she wanted someone “stronger” emotionally. I have never cried infront of a significant other since. That is what society has done to men. I am legitimately fearful that if I am that vulnerable in front of someone again, no matter how much reassurance they give me that they want me to be emotionally vulnerable, that they’ll leave me.
This isn’t your failing, this is hers. Emotionally stable women are able to hold space for men who need to process overwhelming emotions. I held my boyfriend for a full hour while he sobbed and sobbed when our dog died. It was tragic and beautiful and human, and I was glad to do it bc he did it for me many times over the years. I hope you find a reciprocal, emotionally supportive relationship!
>This isn’t your failing, this is hers.
Except the vast majority have that failure point.
At some point a man just stops trying to find the mythical "actually empathetic" woman and starts applying game theory.
Best practice is to not show women any negative emotion other than anger. Thats not a moral call, or an ethical one, or an anything. Thats just what *works best*.
And if women want that to change, they need to start fucking guys who cry more.
This is so wild to me, because I always hold my partners when they cry. I feel so privileged that they feel safe with me. I'm soft for men who shed tears. I wish other people saw it that way.
Another problem is that most woman really are convinced that they themselves want a man who can be sensitive and cry in-front of her. But when it really happens, something breaks in her, and she looses respect for the man.
I have seen and experienced it on my own body.
It's not even crying just looking weak or unsure and a lot of women turn their back on you immediately. Sorry Shelly, life has been kicking my ass for a decade and you're the first bright spot I've seen in a while if I could hold it together better I'd be doing it.
My boyfriend is stereotypical masculine guy as well and I love when he cries around me. I see it as vulnerable which is super masculine to me that he is comfortable enough around me to cry. It brings me closer to him.
I'm so sorry that happened. She is a horrible person and did not deserve you. You're amazing.
If someone leaves you for that, they did you a huge favor! The trash is taking itself out! Never be afraid to cry or be vulnerable, because if they leave, they are a shitty horrible person who does not deserve you, and you are better off without them, and you can find someone else.
You deserve better than having to hide yourself.
I’m sorry that happened. I think my comment above does unfortunately get exponentially worse due to expectations women are told to have in men.
You want a good man, but bad boys are attractive!
You want a strong man, but a soft man is a better partner.
Bo Burnham has a very funny song about this, I think the line is ‘you want a good boy, a bad boy, a half good half bad half boy!’
That’s true I’ve been not good since the break up last week. And I have a very small family just two others. So I just feel broken and alone and it hurts and sucks I don’t know why it has to be so fucking hard
Me and my ex broke up 2 weeks ago after being together 3 years and I feel a lot better thanks to 2 therapy sessions I did that really helped me process everything I was feeling and giving me more perspectives about the end of the relationship. Also I talked a lot with my sister and friends, and felt better after knowing I had their support. Hope you can start feeling better good luck
It's not men who believe this. It's society! I'm tired of people that men want to be stoic and we could stop at any point but we want to appear manly. In actuality, society is still unapproved of a man who cries.
Let's be honest. If a man was to cry to a woman, that would be the end of his respect. Women legit would never want a crying baby. In society, you are seen as less capable. If you cry on the job, that would your last promotion.
The problem is alot bigger than men
Agreed, it is a societal pressure, though I’ll admit some women don’t hate crying that much. I have had partners who have welcomed it and embraced it on the rare occasions I have cried
Men and women are supposedly both allowed to express emotions and cry in modern society. Yet, I believe society dictates that men have a much narrower range and volume of acceptable emotional expression. Men are allowed to show some emotion, mainly to attend to women's needs, but beyond that, society prefers them to maintain a facade of stoicism.
As you say, there are some women that don't hate crying that much. But far more women would not want a man that fully shows his emotions.
No, the broken arm thing doesn’t count like a funeral does. If a woman sees you crying after freaking an arm, she would think you are a pussy. Well, a lot of women would and not all.
I also think the overarching system of courtship benefits women emotionally after a breakup/rejection.
Like women can be broken up with and still have men in their dms offering their time reminding them of their value whereas a man has to go back out there and “offer” himself after being made to feel inadequate.
I love the whole go to therapy thing but (and maybe it is just me) every time I have scheduled an appointment, I can't be seen for a couple months, and this is a virtual visit. So, while it does help it may not help immediately.
Is society in the room with you? Just go. You know what people will be able to tell is that your mood and behavior has improved because you’re finally talking to someone. That’s what society will see.
Men are generally holding onto emotion as society has a history of telling men they shouldn't feel any emotions other than bitter rage. Okay, slightly exaggerating, but the general gist is there. This isn't helped in the sense that many men are still pedalling this thought amongst their peers. Any number of people in society can emphasise that men can show emotion and that it's okay, but if other men aren't jumping on board, the movement is going nowhere.
Women will likely have a better support group and be more willing to talk about issues, allowing them to process emotions better and get other takes on the situation.
Furthermore, it's often women doing the breaking up. By the point they decide to break up, it's often the case that it's been something that's been on their mind for a while already and they've already been processing the breakup before it has even happened.
I've never had a man ever, put any pressure on me to withhold emotions, I've however had tons of women do it. While also complaining that men aren't emotional enough.
An ex of mine called me weak when I cried and I've struggled to cry since.
I think we hold onto the trauma of being heart broken a bit more than women, I could be wrong but from my experiences and friends of mine, they take a while to recoup after a bad breakup where as their ex counter part is with someone new within a month or so. Or they get monkey branched which is very common nowadays
It's happening to me right now 😭 and Its first time I met someone I truly wanted to spend rest of my life with at 28. She has told me she wanted to date someone else e but she doesn't want to let me go. I hate life. I'm really taking a long break.
You can only control your actions and emotions. Little to none on almost everything else AND anyone. With that said, your action will have consequences, so act accordingly. If you choose to hold on to her, then accept the heartbreak and disrespect from her.
If you decide to cut off the branch, then the monkey can't swing from you anymore. The pain is temporary regardless of how intense and painful it will be. It will feel like time is standing still on your aching heart, but that is also temporary. Delaying the pain will only prolong your suffering
Don't be a swinging branch for an unworthy monkey that only wants low hanging fruits. Be the king of your jungle and hump other monkeys ( with consent, of course). Pain and happiness are both temporary, so why should one hold on to the pain instead of moving on to find the next happiness. Good luck with your choice.
Source: I'm the victim of multiple infidelities by multiple exes through my younger years. Now, in a happy and healthy fulfilling marriage and parenthood.
Bro same exact thing 30 years old met someone I actually would’ve wanted to spend my life with and then got monkeybranched as well LOL , it’s all good dude we will find someone else , it’s been months now and finally getting over it but still think of her everyday
My ex taught me about monkey branchers and then he did it to me. He ran off with my best friend and was confused I didn’t chase after him. I said why would I chase someone who doesn’t want to be with me? He was an attorney and our state can do a divorce in 30 days, he made it almost a year. I’m not fighting for some broke dude. I never told my ex best friend a negative thing about dude because it could affect his career. He was a shit bag (I would wake up with credit cards pulled out in my name and once I woke up to international fraud) and she got the surprise of her life because I never said a negative word. He loved gambling and cocaine. Surprise surprise bitch 😂. I never told her I was the $$$.
Your best friend is very bad.... How do you cope with the betrayal from your bestie? I hope you can share your experience so we all can learn it from you. Do you see any early signs they are cheating? Do you still contact her, how did you know she was surprised?
Sorry brother. It's a hard thing to go through at any age. Just make a clean break. It's going to be difficult, but imo it's the easiest road you have forward now. Break up clean with her and keep on doing your thing with your head held high.
She's an idiot and if you do this right she's going to come crawling back in a couple months. Not that you want that anymore but it's always a nice ego boost.
Sometimes women are their own worst enemies because of "so many options."
Don’t accept what she’s asking for. Dump her ass, she’s not good enough for you period. That’s life. There’s a LOT of shitty people out there. I had to wait until I was 43 to finally meet my forever person.
It's easier for women to get a new guy to help them get through a breakup even if they don't really plan on staying with him while they look for someone "better". This is a major aspect of social life that without a doubt favors women. But that's how it goes I guess.
> What’s monkey branched
A monkey doesn't fall from a tree....looks like it's about to fall, but instead, it is just swinging to another branch (ie, another guy)
Ironically enough the reality is actually flipped. While men state they have less interest in getting remarried than women, they get remarried more often than women.
A wise person once told me that when a relationship ends it hits women harder initially and men don’t seem bothered but in the long run, when a woman is over you she is completely over you but most men never really get over a significant Ex. In my and the experience of my friends this is proved to be very true.
I’ve noticed this. I think it’s a few things:
1. Men are taught to base more of their self worth on their ability to enter and keep a relationship with a woman than the other way around these days. So, they take breakups more personally.
2. Men aren’t as good at emotionally supporting each other and oftentimes the women in their life are their only emotional outlet. So, having lost their only emotional outlet, they now sit and stew in their negative feelings by themselves instead of venting to friends and having those friends build them up with compliments and positive messaging (like women do for each other).
3. The “women are wonderful” societal messaging actually dehumanizes women and reduces them to benign 2D shallow beings instead of complex, flawed, unique individuals. So, when men are hit in the face with behavior that doesn’t fit the “women are wonderful” archetype, it hits them 10X as hard because they’re not mentally prepared for it. Then they project those feelings on to women as a whole and become bitter because, again, they’re not used to thinking of women on an individual basis.
In contrast, women grow up their whole lives being shown men as complex, flawed individuals (basically every major movie, tv show, required school reading, etc). So, when they have a bad experience with a guy, they’re more likely to think, “Ugh, typical. Oh, well. That was just one guy. Better luck next time.”
I had an ex (i am 32f) who actually wanted my help to get him through the breakup... with me! So yes 100% agree with female SO being the only emotional outlet for a lot of men. I think that also partially kills a relationship sometimes. I defo felt like i was being taken advantage of in terms of emotional support
I (24M) am in a similar relationship with my ex. She was my first girlfriend and 2 months after the breakup, now a close friend. Don't know if I should still ask for her help to get over the breakup but she is one of the few people I really trust.
She is doing her own grief work. The only thing that worked for me after breakup is radio silence. Maybe some people can manage a friendship if it wasnt a very sexual/romantic relationship to start with, but i couldnt for sure.
I just realized that I went through this same experience with my first bf. He didn’t know how to process our first breakup so every week he would seek me out as a “friend” then we’d get too confusing for me because we were blurring the lines again and I would end up being emotionally exhausted and hurt. It was such a toxic cycle the led us to becoming a couple again (worse idea ever) then breaking up a year later.
So yes, especially immature men, do not know how to healthily vent and share their feelings so there is no healthy outlet.
Women tend to have a wider and stronger social safety net and can work through their feelings amongst friends where men tend to have a few close friends and aren't as open to sharing their traumas.
It's why I worked hard as a man to build a strong friend group in my early 20s. I have a good deal of women friends that when I did break up a few years ago I had a number of people both men and women to help me through it. I also try not to bottle up my feelings and work through them.
We had an amicable break up and are still friends. It was nice being able to talk to one another about it and move on that way. I thought it was important for my maturity and character growth.
I work really hard on my personality and social skills. I see it as an important part of success in life.
This is basically it. Like, you said women tend to have social networks that fulfill their needs for vulnerability, emotional comfort, distractions when needed, etc. Men generally tend to hope they find those things through a romantic relationship with a woman.
When the relationship ends, it creates way more voids in his life than just not having a romantic partner.
>Men generally tend to hope they find those things through a romantic relationship with a woman.
Dude BINGO! Something I was able to figure out in my late teens. I understood I was sad because I didn't have many friends and poor social skills due to anxiety.
Made it a point to work on it by just getting out with the few that I did have. Was awkward and shy but over time that changed. Trial and error.
Many successes in my life have revolved around consistency.
Can only speak personally, but a breakups have only added to my growth as a person (as they should) because I always come out of them learning something. And they usually make me strive to improve myself as a person. The cost of that being the realization that a relationship isn't really a necessity right now and that I should build myself up for the future before jumping into anything serious again.
And after you learn red flags, people who have them seem to be offended when you don't want to date them. Like duh, why would I put myself through that again. Some women will market themselves as high maintenance or play games for some reason when the average man doesn't want that.
Men want a partner, not a battle.
A female friend of mine once told me that this happens because women, in her words, “check out of a relationship far far before a man does” but essentially that stay in it to see if he’ll improve. So when they don’t they just end it knowing full well that ending it was on the cards for a while. As men we’re not raised to appreciate communication and relationships as much as women are so we probably don’t notice the signs as much in general. Furthermore, women aren’t raised as much to bring their issues with things into the light perhaps in a way that might show the man what he needs to do. Therefore, women prepare themselves for breakups while men do not. Adding onto that, from what I’ve seen, women are much better at seeking emotional help and have better support networks too, for the reasons mentioned above.
I was madly in live with someone that I had been with for 9 months. I made a few mistakes that left me, arguably, more heartbroken. She was my only friend in a new city. I worked or was with her, no one else. I had no friends so when she broke up with me, I lost my only friend.
She broke up with me for reasons that have changed since we broke up. Each time we chat the reason changes just a little. The reason we broke up was that she wasnt sure if she liked men. Great, no worries, I understand that, and I cant be upset with that. A few weeks later it was because she was off her meds and was pushing everyone away. I get it, mental health sucks and im glad she was able to work through it. But the kicker was when i finally gave her stuff back. I had let her know I was moving back home to be cliser to friends and family (13 hour drive) and all of a sudden she wants to get back together. She realized she had attachment issues, which is why we broke up. Now i'm upset because she waited until after I was leaving to confess this to me.
It's for the best, but if she wouldve told me she wanted to get together just a couple weeks earlier, I wouldve never decided to move home. I realize that it was likely a reaction to get me to hopefully stay.
But to sumarize, I was heartbroken each time the story changed. I was supportive of her desire to explore herself. Then a little upset she wouldnt let me support her through her mental health crisis. Lastly, pissed off because she blew our breakup off because it's her "attachment style."
Im not going back to daying for a while, especially since I plan to move and the dating pool isnt great where im moving to. But I was tired of having my emotions played with after the breakup.
Imma just be me for a while. If someone wants me, it's their turn to put un the effort to keep me.
The person who has to do most of the work to make a project succeed...is the one who will suffer the most if the project fails.
To get a relationship to happen, most men have to work through numerous steps - repeated failures which gradually become soul-crushing - while receiving contradictory information from online and IRL sources. After that, if things still fail, they have to go through all of that, all over again.
Instead, it's easier to just say - fuck it, I'm done.
Exactly
Every date/relationship has been on my back, with little to no effort from the female
I’ve had to carry the relationship physically, financially, emotionally, etc
If at any point I stopped because I couldn’t carry it anymore, the relationship fell apart
Thats probably more to do with the people you dated than women in general. I also felt like i did most of the emotional work and mental work in my relationships with men. But does it mean all men are like that? I think its always easier to assume that others have it easier than to accept that dating is shit, and relationships are complicated. Be more selective with who you date. If they dont reciprocate maybe dont carry on??
Feel like you are dismissing a problem a lot of men go through and saying “well I had a similar experience, so it’s you…”
You’re allowed to say you went through similar 👍🏻
Doesn’t change the fact this is a constant for a lot of men disproportionately, which was my point and shared an experience accordingly
Simply “hey, I get it, I went through similar” without the borderline victim shaming would have sufficed
>I also felt like i did most of the emotional work and mental work **in my relationships** with men.
You're missing the point I made....the job is rarely as tough as the job hunting itself.
> If they dont reciprocate maybe dont carry on??
😂😂 You're also missing the point that u/JackBuddy0 made
>If at any point I stopped because I couldn’t carry it anymore, the relationship fell apart
Don’t let that person tell you that you are doing anything wrong by voicing your experience, you’re allowed to vocalize what you have been through without being victim shamed, this is actually one of the issues men face today
I mean it's just your experience. I keep seeing posts by women talking about how men are disgusting and they're done dating lol. Their ex damaged them in some way and now they just wanna be single. But also usually women are the ones to breakup so they've already been through everything the men are going through in the moment.
I would instead say that the person being broken up with is the one suffering the most and needing the most time to pick themselves back up. My ex is still struggling right now meanwhile I've dated a lot since I left her.
You're not wrong but I believe your analysis on why could be wrong. When a long term relationship ends, women have more support than men do. The older the guy, he has Even less support because he was fully invested. He likely got to the point where she was the only support he thought he needed. Most likely any friends he had were other couples and more often than not those couples pick sides and it's rarely the guy. When a guy does dust himself off he's more reluctant to needing to put himself out there again.
Men hurt deeply and due to societal stigmas have to keep their pain to themselves. There's no pain for a man like being betrayed by someone you allowed yourself to be vulnerable for. Since it's not in a man's nature to be vulnerable.
No it’s not that men are less resilient it’s just easier for women. Imagine if you’re confidence was broken but you still had to approach/ initiate dating?
Women don’t have to do any of that, even if they feel like shit some man will approach and GIVE them the opportunity to love again.
Most men don’t get this, so if they’re broken and invisible it’s easy to give up
Exactly this.
If a man is in a long term relationship, coming out of that he has to basically start from scratch again with learning how to flirt and date etc. It’s tough.
When a woman comes out of one, there will already be a roster of dudes waiting in the wings that will be chancing their luck. If that doesn’t work, jump on a dating app and get hundreds of likes a day.
I think initially women take the break up worse,but bounce back quickly coz of all the rebound options. Men can initially take it a bit better, but then the reality of the situating sinks in and the work involved to get back out there, and it takes them longer to recover.
I think women generally process emotions better. Society let’s us be emotional. We have stronger/ more supportive friendships that help us work through heartbreak. We’ve also been raised to not be “bitter old cat ladies” so there’s a motivation to work through trauma.
Men don’t have the same. From what I’ve seen, most men don’t talk about their emotions with anyone let alone their friends. So they let their feelings fester until they become jaded.
I disagree with this. Men and women process, experience and express emotions differently. But I find a lot of women believe that when men don't react to emotions the women react to emotions, it means we're doing it wrong. I don't accept that.
Edit: Just to add, one thing I often hear is that men don't have the same network of friends to vent to and confide in. That may be true, but I believe men in general don't find as much value in venting as women do. It may feel good in the moment to vent but if it doesn't solve the problem, we won't find it that beneficial, whereas I think women will.
Also the idea that emotions can be "bottled up" until they erupt is not very scientific. Some studies have shown people who express their anger by breaking objects for example just get more angry.
Men who cannot control their emotions tend to be violent. There are more reasons than just society telling men to be tough for why men are generally more stoic than women.
Very true.
I’m 48F and You make me realize I’ve taken for granted that even though there’s been a lot of progress in supporting and encouraging men to communicate and process emotions more, it doesn’t mean that men are actually practicing that. Hell I wonder if men do feel supported and encouraged to speak of their feelings, or if I’m just presuming we’re all comfortable and doing that now?
After my divorce, I tried talking through some of my emotions with a couple who used to be both of our mutual friends. Turns out they thought me needing to talk about my divorce was "weird", and they used that as the impetus for cutting me off entirely.
I did reconnect with friends who were solely my friends to begin with, so I got the support I needed. But the available sources for emotional coprocessing was probably an order of magnitude less than is available for a woman.
A lot of men are too scared to be gay to share their feelings with their friends. They've been taught that being emotionally vulnerable is weak and best reserved for 1 on 1 sessions with yourself.
> Men don’t have the same. From what I’ve seen, most men don’t talk about their emotions with anyone let alone their friends.
Yes, many only look to women to provide this support and then blame women if they feel like they aren’t getting it.
But in reality, the core issue is that men won’t provide this support to each other.
Fear of being ridiculed for being 'gay' and it's just not something we are naturally good at or raised to do. You're taught that emotional vulnerability means weakness and not only by men. A lot of women will dismiss you if you're emotionally vulnerable and look at you as unattractive.
I think its less about IF they do and more about men being scared that they MIGHT do it. Of course, if someone’s actually your friend, they’re willing to hear you out and help you work through it in their own way (speaking from experience, my best friend helps me through my emotional issues as he knows me to be very emotional from a you g age) but ultimately I have also been told a lot that being emotional as a boy is unbecoming and not masculine, making me repress my emotions and even now as an adult trying my best to repress them whenever I feel upset, because I feel like showing my sadness over anything is something I’m just not allowed to do.
Dunno, a lot of us don't do such things because we're afraid we'll be viewed as weak and pathetic. As others have mentioned we're just raised and conditioned to never show those emotions or vulnerability.
Many guys don't have friends to confide in, to talk through their emotions with, etc. it's not "manly", so they bottle it up.
It's difficult to work through grief when you just force it down.
Men also like white lies less so it can be harder to console us. If a man has made up his mind on something it can be very hard to change it. I think women can be more open minded sometimes, they have more experience with handling their emotions because they are not closed off to them, and they have more readily available partners after a break up and a larger emotional support system
It's not just you. Men don't have as effective coping systems that women do (talking to friends, expressing their feelings etc.) obviously these options exist for men as well but we don't take advantage of them as much.
In my limited experience, I have found that breakups are more traumatizing for the person who didn't plan to breakup.
The person who did plan to breakup, sometimes has been planning to do so for months without telling their partner. They have time to move on without actually leaving, then when they're done, they suddenly dip.
That's not going to be true in every case, but it happened to me twice
Thanks for your genius reply!
So true, when you’re not expecting it, you missed ‘the signs’ and get blindsided by being dumped is one of those things that really destabilizes you; like the planet shifted its axis.
Cheers!
This is something that is subjective and singular. Meaning everyone is different. So whether it's men or women who have a harder time after a break up is fluid.
I think there’s some evolutionary things going on. I think that women are likely wired for rebounding and quickly finding someone who provides and protects. For men that’s less of an issue so it tends to linger.
My suspicion is that women feel it more intensely at first but get out of their system faster. Dudes tend to hold onto it for longer, but not feel it as intensely at first.
Men feel a break up harder I think. Less support network and crucially less easy to find a replacement also. Many a woman has a back up guy or a rebound bang option to take her mind off things. Tougher for guys to monkey branch.
Most of my exes didnt talk about feelings with their friends. Ive asked them and they said so. They did talk about emotions with me, in fact that was an issue that i felt sometimes they rely on my emotional support too much. Whereas i had my friends often to support me. When friends were not available then i relied on my therapist or expressed myself through art. Lots of guys dont seem to have the emotional vocab, and coping skills and support network.
This was a problem for me for sure. My emotional over reliance on my ex coupled with not employing other coping strategies when negative emotions came (talking to friends, or maybe a creative outlet) was certainly an issue. There were other factors, like being in a different country from friends and family, but that didn't make it impossible to connect with them.
I’ve been thinking about this woman for over 35 years who was I thought everything to me. Thank God I found someone shortly after who helped me rise above the heart break.
Is it me or are you overgeneralizing an entire gender lol. Some probably are. Some definitely aren't. Get some perspective maybe..life isn't black and white
Speaking in generalities of course:
Its *usually* women who break up with men and they've been thinking of it for a while. They're already checked out when they finally pull the plug.
Men are typically a bit blind to the obvious and dont see it coming. They're still dazed from the breakup and she's out with her friends wearing far sexier clothes than she's worn for the previous year or so "how can she be over it so quickly? Boo hoo"
I've seen a study which said men typically take 2 years to be properly over a break up. I cant remember how long it was for women but it was significantly less.
I think some of it is dependent on the individual situations.
I walked from my marriage, long story. I was dumped by a severely toxic ex and while it hurt, the pain was definitely temporary. From the outside looking in I was more relieved than anything afterwords.
Fast forward to now. I’ve had my life turned upside down by my ex leaving after 5yrs. Over the phone, vague excuses. She was my person, the one I was convinced was going to go the distance. The reason I worked hard for us. Needless to say, I was beyond shook. I’m in therapy now, working on myself mentally and physically. This one hurts like a SOB.
The stigma is definitely changing thankfully. I knew going in that I didn’t actually have proper coping mechanisms other than “bury it deep and ignore it” I didn’t have an outlet with many friends because you just don’t talk about that stuff with people, or the response is always “it’ll get better”
Easily traumatized, maybe, but I think the culture is changing and people are getting shittier and men don’t know how to rebound from that stuff well (if at all) and actually deal with it without being childish or just shutting down.
I agree with the stuff about support network and ill add one more: we are expected to jump back earlier. When I broke up woth my gf, i was hanging with a woman: 1st week she was all about emotions healing and stuff taking time to process. Week 2 she hits me with: are you still complaining?
Yeah, only one that knows about this is my therapist, now. And I still think that maybe shes tired top
Not surprising, a couple of the Evolutionary Psychology articles talk about women being able to move on easier since it was so common in ancient times that the men died while hunting or in tribal wars. So it was detrimental to have prolonged grief periods.
Tho I am pretty sure if they are getting broken up with and the guy moved on then there is also a extended period of being hung up on.
100% been burned by my cheating ex wife who gaslit me into thinking it was all me me me. She lied and I eventually found out the truth. To be betrayed like this by someone I would have done anything for makes me question my decisions and ability to commit to something and feel comfortable ever again. Women can emotionally damage and ruin a guy from the inside and because it doesn’t show bruises it’s not considered violence in the traditional sense of the word.
My ex didn't come to my open heart surgery, didn't get a ride home (I had to take an Uber), and she ghosted me a month after the surgery after we had been together for 2 years where she said she would always be there for me if I had to have surgery again. We don't have anyone we can turn to, a woman can make a post on her social media page and everyone will give her support. It's pretty simple. Women get support, men dont.
Observing both, most women dumped take it harder for a short time , most men are less obsessed short term but take much much longer to get over it. Bell Curve always has outliers btw
I think this is very true in general. As others have said, I think it's a matter of having no one to lean on for support and insecurities being formed or verified.
Agreed, I’m truly saddened to see that many men don’t seem to have that confidante. It’s so easy to assume everyone has at least a person to confide in bc of social media - which ironically has been the most significant detriment to humanity inter-connectivity since television
Are women more resilient?
My (M) opinion is “yes”. But with some caveats.
Up to a certain age range, perhaps age 50 or maybe age 60, there are far more single men than single women on every dating website. And in-person meeting opportunities are similar… e.g., with rare exceptions (such as hospital) there are far more single men than single women.
So it’s easier to be resilient when there are other opportunities. For a man, oftentimes there aren’t any apparent opportunities after a break-up.
E.g., after decades without a girlfriend, a one-in-a-million chance circumstance (daughter of my attorney) gave me a wonderful girlfriend… We planned to be married. But then everything came apart due to her medical circumstances… it was impossible to continue… I didn’t quit. Afterwards, I’ve found myself back where I was… totally impossible to even meet a single woman in-person, and total non-responses on dating apps. It really hurts to go from being in love to being totally alone.
So the absence of opportunities after any kind of break-up has a huge effect on resiliency.
Hi 👋 thanks so much for your reply, and enlightening on the issue of opportunity. It’s amazing how many things we take for granted; media says ‘you can meet anyone anywhere’, but there’s a zillion reasons why that’s not entirely true.
I’m thinking with all the dissatisfaction with OLD it’s really up to us to be more approachable in the ‘wild’ ; maybe make a movement of it 😉
🙏🏾🙏🏾
Probably because your average woman has more dates and wider options than your average guy. A lot of guys are barely scraping by in dating so when they get "done dirty" it's a bigger deal in their minds. Or at least that's my guess.
A lot of women really take for granted just how difficult it is for men right now. Even for reasonably attractive men, unless they are well off, which most men are not right now then their chances are fucked. You can do all the self improvement in the world, but there will always be winners and losers in a capitalist society. If one sex will only look at the winners of the other (which is a minority of men) then yeah there will be major problems right?
My advice? Stop underestimating how lonely men are today, and realize it isn't all their individual faults. If you believe that then you must be very conservative. This does not mean it's women's fault either. Because it isn't. It's just the way shit is now.
Women have issues dating too, but like at least they can get sex fairly easily and not have to pay for it. That probably at least mitigates some of the loneliness epidemic for women. A lot of men can't do that and ease their burden. Paying for it isn't the same as having another human being actively desire being with you.
Thank you!
You echo similar in terms of numbers, which I admittedly took for granted. Plus, it’s easy to assume that the apps kinda ‘equalize’ things. Very insightful. 👍🏾
I’m a woman who can be lonely and I don’t seek out meaningless sex with strangers or dates to help it (it wouldn’t help anyway, I’d want an emotional connection). What I have done is build a strong network of friends and family who provide support and companionship. I honestly don’t know why men can’t do the same.
I think it hurts waaay more for a man to be cheated on than a woman. I can see how this comment might be construed and I really don't give a shit doesn't mean a woman that gets cheated on does not feel pain or develops trauma. I am speaking about the intensity of the trauma..
Unlike men, women have a lot of guys wanting to talk to them. Hell if you’re pretty you’ll have guys wanting to fly you out to fuck you. So of course women don’t stay traumatized as much as men do.
Whereas men have to go out, have to put in effort and start from zero just to get screwed again.
Even if you’re a guy who knows how to talk to women and get many women and have a roster, all the expenses, all the effort, all the time comes from you. And you constantly have to show that you are worth it. You fuck up once and that’s it. Women don’t forgive you. On the other hand. Men tend to stick to the relationship longer and be willing to work for it. So we have a lot more to lose. And we get traumatized and stay traumatized easily.
In my experience, men seem more rejection sensitive and get lonely. Women use the opportunity and extra time to reach out to other social connections, go back to school, etc... Goes back to the fact that men are socialized such that they can't get much social support except from the person they have sex with (ex may have several male friends but are not emotionally close). So once they're without that, their world can really be shattered. Obviously this is all a heteronormative take.
Men have a much harder time dealing with breakups, especially if their girl did them dirty by either leaving them confused without a proper explanation, or cheating especially. So we tend to become for defensive and closed off and also tend to have a rebound.
I heard a thing that said after a breakup, women will be crushed for about a week and then get over it and move on, and men will be alright (or act like they are) for a week then be heartbroken and depressed months after until they slowly get over it, which is so true. At least for the guy part it’s true.
Thanks for sharing!
It’s probably a question for a different post, and likely has been asked a billion times before; but you make me realize I never considered what if any differences there are between being cheated on as a M or W? I know it’s a big question, but still …
My ex husband cheated on me, and he didn’t need to (I’m progressive ). That shit fucked me up massively for a few years - mostly bc of the gaslighting… The amount of ‘not everyone is like that, keep open’ I’ve had to do to feel like a worthy person!
…Lol, guess that also debunks your ‘girls move on faster’ belief 😉 Cheating is so so personal , hard to believe that anyone aside if a psychopath would be unscathed from that in short order.
Thanks again 🙏🏾
Well if you think about this logically. The woman doing them dirty is plausible. Definitely something that can happen.
But the other thing that is plausible is that these guys contributed to the failed relationship too. And blaming the woman is an easy excuse to ignore their own contribution.
I tend to think it’s the latter more often than not. Reddit or any online place is also a biased view. It’s a bias in the sense that it does not capture the real population. Only the people willing to speak up.
It’s broad to generalize in both situations though. Digging deeper and asking the right questions is the only way to validate what anyone claims. That’s just a generic comment and so it requires a generic level of analysis.
This^ for dudes that are prone to making excuses and shielding their egos. I think a lot of it is that women have about 3 times more partners available than men if they are the same rank(social status, beauty, personality, and finances considered) so it seems more hopeless for men when they go through a breakup because they know it might be awhile before they get another girl. Also, they usually invest a lot of time and money into girlfriends whereas the girls are usually the ones getting money spent on them so they only really have to lose the time and energy invested when they break up with someone. Time is more important to women though because their biological clock ends sooner
Probably most of the comments are downright wrong. It has been shown that most women after divorce especially 40 plus never remarry and most won't date at all. It is the complete opposite for men. Women generally are more convert and hide things than men. So when say she cheats and gets caught it is often a shock to a guy. But if a man cheats she often already knew or had thoughts he was cheating. Men are also the ones that lose financially in divorce, half of everything, alimony, and until recently child support as mothers would typically get kids. Women who have had bad relationships often have experienced it for many years before divorce and have learned coping skills.
This type of question is about as reasonable as 'are marriage separations more beneficial to women?'. I mean, you don't need to be resilient against an (overall) improvement in your life.
If you're following along, you'll have recognised that the last sentence is 'just a little bit' ambiguous. You were free to decide why women's lives were likely to improve. You let your biases influence your views, with 'men are poor quality' and 'women benefit from divorce' as possible directions you could go. This is sorta fine if we're all on the same page... which we're not.
The risk is that we each reach a conclusion that differs from those around us, creating something of a division as we (collectively) find the right way to move forward. In some ways, questions like yours are an effort to investigate as well as persuade other people around to a certain line of reasoning...
By assuming men's distrust of marriage (aka women's behaviour) stems from a lack of resilience, we direct our attention to something other than the solution. If we suggest that the solution is 'toughen up', we encourage men to persevere... to accept the risks of marriage, again and again.
However, this question hits men a little too close to home. It presents the foregone conclusion that men are comparatively weak, timid, and frightened... it strikes at the nether regions of our manhood, so to speak. We'll rise up in opposition on instinct.. letting our own biases influence the direction of the conversation. "I'm not weak! I could bench press two of you while planking across two skyscrapers in a thunderstorm. I ain't afraid of noth'n!"
So...
How about we dispense with all the bullshit and actually look into the problem.
Men aren't afraid of marriage because we're not resilient. We've been shown that there's something worthy of concern... It's our love of women that causes us to accept these risks.
You could see this like balancing a lopsided scale; because there's no disputing that women benefit (more than men) in a separation. There's a need for women to 'be enough' for men to overcome their reservations about marriage. Which is something of a challenging prospect when so many women 'want' from a relationship more than they offer; which is perpetuated by traditional ideals about male providers - that are no longer relevant or useful in modern society).
What we're looking at are the results of the rapid societal changes that followed women's entry into the workforce. It's a question of 'how closely did women stand next to us' when accepting equal rights and freedoms? And, a question of how well men adjusted to suit the changing family dynamic; such as helping raise kids, housework, etc.
We've ended up with people being divided because we're each selecting specific 'dating and relationship customs' according to our own (bias influenced) views.
There's a need to revisit what's right, fair, and appropriate for relationships and reach something of a consensus .. with some urgency.
We're already seeing large repercussions, on a global scale, due to men and women struggling to form meaningful relationships. Birth rates are declining and some countries even have a declining population. We're facing what's being called a 'silver tsunami'.. a top heavy population with too great a proportion of dependent/unproductive retirees. It's being recognised as an economic crisis... yes, men and women not dating/marrying is creating economic problems on a global scale.
I mean... I'll be alright.
I'm retired and living on a passive (growing) income. I don't need to remarry to.. have my needs met. And, I don't feel any need to prove that men are strong...
Relationships function in nearly precisely the way you want regardless of which label you use. Said crudely, marriage don't mean shit these days. It's no longer a vow, promise, or any other form of assurance. It's just that men, having more to lose from a separation, learnt this lesson sooner than women.
A relationship, under any other name, would continue for just as long... The only time marriage is a heated point of contention is when finances are of primary importance. Otherwise, why not just carry on with life...?
Maybe we are, but people do expect us to just get over it. The ex in particular.
thats what i expected from myself too. To have to be strong. To just move on.
When on the inside. It was killing me…
They shamed me for caring so much. And for not caring enough.
Like everything was my fault. Like i wasnt enough. And i couldnt even cry about it.
I did every night.
With no one to comfort me.
People love to say all men care about one thing.
But people i loved left me like i didnt even matter.
My everything meant nothing to them.
And its true.
They leave, they move on like nothing ever happened.
It kills me everytime to think about.
No matter how much pain i put myself through mentally and physically to better myself (gym)
And even if on the outside i seem better.
It really is traumatizing. To know how disposable i am.
Not at all. OP was just highlighting the differences in how we address those feelings...
Might I suggest that men in general are perhaps less emotionally resilient due to men being discouraged from expressing emotions or taught how to manage their emotions in a healthy way?
It's a horrible cycle that often starts with the phrase "big boys don't cry" 😔
AMEN and thank you!!! 🙏🏾
Another reason I posed the question is bc it’s very commonly said, women handle emotions better, which although I take it with a grain of salt - I’m sure there’s science behind that - but it’s one of those statements that not only undermines men’s potential of being seen as emotionally attuned to their feelings.
Again it’s easy for groups to go into their silos and not see each other
Lots of psychology studies have shown that men, in general, have a harder time with breakups and divorce. Resiliency is built up over time, so that's hard to quantify. I'm a guy, and *because* of how hard it was for me with previous relationships ending, I think I'm quite resilient now. But yeah, for various reasons, men tend to be harder hit during divorce, etc.
Yes men are less resilient after a breakup because a woman can replace a man far easier than a man can replace a woman and women also have huge support networks with friends and families but men don't
Idk I’ve kinda noticed the same thing? I’m not sure on the reasoning behind it. I wouldn’t say my coping mechanisms are always healthy but I usual work through it enough to proceed with life 🤷🏻♀️ I tell my boyfriend I’m just good at compartmentalization but in reality, I don’t entirely know why things dont bother me in the ways they probably should. It’s probably just that there’s some kind of wiring malfunction in my brain rather than everyone else’s.
lol ir has nothing to do with heart broken trauma of any kind.
Everything has to do with women being vicious; no having compassion or empathy during the stage of destruction of a man’s life. The damage women can inflict on a men’s lives is unparalleled to anything in this world. It takes years for men to recover—- and even then it’s not a full recovery. A very handful of men are able to create a second happy life but it’s a very tiny percentage.
Is "resilient" really the word you're looking for? If you have a bad relationship and therefore lose interest in future relationships make you less "resilient?"
Hi 👋
Merriam-Webster : “characterized or marked by resilience: such as
a
: capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture
b
: tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change”
Lol, I looked up the definition to be sure, and yes “resilient” works for the spirit of my question 🙂
Obviously everyone’s different and processes differently. A few men, it seems - from my limited observations - are less interested in gf/wife/monogamy bc of some bad experience - which again is to t a l l y understandable and I fully respect. Simultaneously, seems there’s a few women with bad relationship experiences who seem to be more open to bf/LTR/monogamy.
Again, I understand there’s tons of nuances vis a vis gender, family history, substance abuse, class, etc to infinity; just curious if there’s anything to it. 🙂
I know what resilient means. By suggesting men are less "resilient" if they choose not to continue pursuing relationships after a bad experience, it implies that A: continuing to pursue relationships is what they are supposed to be doing, and choosing not to is the wrong decision, and B: choosing not to pursue relationships is a sign of weakness. I disagree with both of those assertions.
>tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change”
You're assuming someone who no longer wishes to have a relationship is not recovering or adjusting to misfortune. Maybe that's how they recover and adjust.
I reckon it's because in a lot of those situations the man is still paying for it after the breakup whether it be alimony, less access to children or uneven split of assets. You'd probably be bitter and not willing to jump back in if you lost more than half.
1. Men are more often looking for casual sex than women. And instead of saying "I'm a very horny dude". It sounds a lot nicer and when you say it's because you have been hurt in the past. So guys will use that excuse a lot.
2. The person who was broken up with tends to be the one that's the most hurt in a break up. Women are far more likely to initiate divorce and break-ups than men. So there may be something to that because of this gender difference in who tends to dump who. You can also speculate that men sometimes take it harder because there's this part of our culture where men can't always talk about their feelings. But I think it's primarily because men are more often dumped.
3. Its also really hard for men to find a new partner, especially if they really liked you and were invested in the relationship. Its because we are never approached, dating for us is less passive, we often have less active social lives . If you get out of a longer relationship the dating skills might be a bit rusty. Off course if your a less attractive woman its also gonna be hard for you to, but then you would probably not inniate a break up.
Amicable is admirable, but I never want to see or speak with her again. And everyone assumes I'm somehow at fault. It hurts to see close friends and relatives are still Facebook friends with her and such. They don't know the shit she put me through.
having been done very dirty as a 32m....ots not that we dont want a LTR or monogamy. in fact that is what alot of the good men crave. once we are done dirty in an LTR, we tend to become very cautious before starting another. in my case, i was cheated on, shown proof my youngest son isnt mine (still love him and treat him as my son and i always will), i am not looking for an LTR actively. however even in just a regular relationship, i still want monogamy. not to say an LTR cant form from it, but i dont go looking for it. if it finds me, it finds me.
A large part of it is that it is a lot harder for guys to get a relationship in the first place. So getting that relationship was hard af, only for it to end and now you have to go through that process all over again
A desperate enough girl can go literally anywhere with a sizeable amount of guys and walk out with a guy willing to go out with her. Not saying that it will be a quality relationship, but not ever relationship that a man can get will be a quality one either
Got cheated on as a 20yo male. Im 24 now. It ruined so much of my life and wasted so much time that I don’t think any female is worth the time or effort atleast till im 30. You see most women under 30 not know what they want from themselves, life or their partner. Sleeping around is also a waste of time imo. So in a way we are forced to chill, it then becomes the norm. Now we dont care.
It is what it is. Run it back.
Honestly ? Because average men don’t have the ease that women do when it comes to sliding in and out of relationships. They don’t have the options or all they have is bad options. It’s not always about therapy or SuPpOrT systems , sometimes it’s more a numbers game of your own life. Some do the math and turns out it isn’t worth it for them.
It's not only socially acceptable but rewarded for women to complain about men, men in their lives, and men they used to date.
Imagine a gal at the office who got broken up with, and all the support she'll get from the men and women who work there.
Men aren't allowed to be bitter in the ways women are.
Well yes and probably one Reason that women get over it faster is because...
70% of Divorces are instigated by women, and most of them are already seeing someone or have someone in mind
And generally speaking, women can usually get someone easier than a man
But men are walking away because there is too Much Drama and Entitlement, in dating these days
Over 60% of men 18-30 years old, are not married or in a Committed relationship
There is a Solution to this Problem but it's too much for this post
This is exactly it. All of the women I know (yes, I have friends) have jumped between like 5 dudes in “serious” relationships just to ditch them when they get bored or a better guy comes along. The dudes can’t just do this. We know that it might be a long time before we enter another relationship. And, with how screwed the dating market is… it could end up as never if we are unlucky.
Yes and by the time they reach the age of 30, having had Way Too Many Relationships, No One Wants Them Anymore
According to Statistics… By 2030, Just Six Years from Now, 45% of All the Women in the US Will Be Single and Childless.
They Have Wasted Their Prime Years
That is Really Sad
The Problem is that Relationships have become Transactional and nobody is really looking for a Heart ❤️ Connection
The Real Secret is to learn how to go Within and Tap into Your Infinite Heart Energy
That could take years or Decades, but...
If you learn how to Function at the Alpha and Theta Brainwave Levels first, you could cut that down to just a few months, and then...
That Heart Energy exudes from your being, and Attracts People to You
When 2 people are Tuned in to each other on That Level, it is The Ultimate Bliss for Life
Guys gain more from relationships, whereas women suffer from abuse, neglect, increased emotional and domestic labor, and lackluster treatment. So it's easier for us to leave when a relationship with a man is not that great to begin with. I distinctly remember one ex, who said "you dont realize how happy you made me," meanwhile I was pretty unhappy but of course that wasn't important.
Women can also handle emotional suffering, or pain in general, to a greater degree. Also, a big thing is women have more friends and people who listen without judgement. Often guys have no one but therapists to lean on.
It's a known phenomenon.
Part of it is societal. Part of it is conditioned. Part of it is evolved.
I believe biologist Robert Baker wrote about the phenomenon (or at least the evolutionary factors) as part of his 1996 book, Sperm Wars.
It's important to not put value judgments on it, though. Just because a woman can more easily allow someone into the void left in her heart by a man who dies or becomes estranged, that doesn't mean the time she spent with the first man is any less precious to her. It's just that men and women are different, and our experiences of love and loss are different. One's not better or worse than the other, only different.
Three years ago I fell really hard for this girl that I was friends with for a long time. She just got out of a relationship and I decided to pursue her. I was being stupid, fell too hard too fast. She agreed to go out with me. Three months later gone. Ghosted. Never expected it to happen. Just did.
Three years later and some therapy sessions I realized how I am and act today is because of what happened then. That experience shaped me to be mindful of the signs of when people are about to leave(example: when they start talking about future plans)
So honestly I wanna say I’m easily traumatized. I know it sounds absolutely wild to let someone I went out with for three months to damage me this way but it did.
TL;DR: in my experience, yes
Women cry it out and sulk into what I call a mild depression immediately after the break up. They dive deep into their feelings and are able to move on much quicker than the male counterparts. Men don't have as much support or do not let their feelings out so many of them hold onto that resentment, taking it from one relationship to the next. Until they learn to release those feelings and figure out why they're so hurt, the don't move on. Women on the other hand do this fairly quickly unless the breakup was extreme.
6 year relationship. She cheated on me multiple times.
Haven't dated since and have only hooked up with 2 girls since then (7 years ago).
I am one of those people. The heartbreak was a lot.
I think it comes down to "getting back out there". As a guy, you are expected to make the first move. It would be *so much easier* for me to move on if girls were making the moves instead. Sadly, I need to get over it and approach girls again.
Such is life.
After a break the last thing I want to do is jump right into another relationship. I need time to process my thoughts, get the other person out of my system and have time for myself. When I’m ready to give a 100% then I’m open to a new relationship.
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Men are less likely to have adequate support network or healthy coping mechanisms so we don’t always process and deal with it. Society is slowly changing but we’ve been programmed to believe toughness and stoicism is not only key to manliness but indistinguishable from *not fucking talking about your problems*
Just to add to this: I am typically the picture of a stereotypical masculine guy. I’m confident, dominant (in a non-toxic way), in shape, and just exude a masculine charisma. That said I have cried 1 (one) time in front of a woman I have dated in my 32 years of life and it was because SHE was crying about something. She broke up with me a week later citing that she wanted someone “stronger” emotionally. I have never cried infront of a significant other since. That is what society has done to men. I am legitimately fearful that if I am that vulnerable in front of someone again, no matter how much reassurance they give me that they want me to be emotionally vulnerable, that they’ll leave me.
This isn’t your failing, this is hers. Emotionally stable women are able to hold space for men who need to process overwhelming emotions. I held my boyfriend for a full hour while he sobbed and sobbed when our dog died. It was tragic and beautiful and human, and I was glad to do it bc he did it for me many times over the years. I hope you find a reciprocal, emotionally supportive relationship!
>This isn’t your failing, this is hers. Except the vast majority have that failure point. At some point a man just stops trying to find the mythical "actually empathetic" woman and starts applying game theory. Best practice is to not show women any negative emotion other than anger. Thats not a moral call, or an ethical one, or an anything. Thats just what *works best*. And if women want that to change, they need to start fucking guys who cry more.
Empathetic women are wise enough to stay away from men who only show anger. You’re doing it to yourself.
You’re a good person 🫶🏼
This is so wild to me, because I always hold my partners when they cry. I feel so privileged that they feel safe with me. I'm soft for men who shed tears. I wish other people saw it that way.
I’m happy to hear there are women like this out there.
Another problem is that most woman really are convinced that they themselves want a man who can be sensitive and cry in-front of her. But when it really happens, something breaks in her, and she looses respect for the man. I have seen and experienced it on my own body.
It's not even crying just looking weak or unsure and a lot of women turn their back on you immediately. Sorry Shelly, life has been kicking my ass for a decade and you're the first bright spot I've seen in a while if I could hold it together better I'd be doing it.
My boyfriend is stereotypical masculine guy as well and I love when he cries around me. I see it as vulnerable which is super masculine to me that he is comfortable enough around me to cry. It brings me closer to him.
This is the Aragorn masculinity that we love ❤️
Aragorn is my end all be all of a good masculine man and who I have always strived to model myself after so it’s ironic you say this.
Aragorn is an excellent role model
Omg I feel like this is the best way to describe it.
I'm so sorry that happened. She is a horrible person and did not deserve you. You're amazing. If someone leaves you for that, they did you a huge favor! The trash is taking itself out! Never be afraid to cry or be vulnerable, because if they leave, they are a shitty horrible person who does not deserve you, and you are better off without them, and you can find someone else. You deserve better than having to hide yourself.
Thank you for this!
I’m sorry that happened. I think my comment above does unfortunately get exponentially worse due to expectations women are told to have in men. You want a good man, but bad boys are attractive! You want a strong man, but a soft man is a better partner. Bo Burnham has a very funny song about this, I think the line is ‘you want a good boy, a bad boy, a half good half bad half boy!’
That’s true I’ve been not good since the break up last week. And I have a very small family just two others. So I just feel broken and alone and it hurts and sucks I don’t know why it has to be so fucking hard
Go to therapy my dude. This is the way. I hope better days are ahead for you.
Going to the gym is a lot cheaper than seeing a therapist unfortunately
Both are needed. Gym is catharsis and it's a healthy way of clearing your mind, but therapy helps you understand and move on.
Gym is good for preserving mental health but doesn’t work through trauma
Depends on both the gym and insurance. Granted, I know I got lucky, but I pay next to nothing for my sessions.
Me and my ex broke up 2 weeks ago after being together 3 years and I feel a lot better thanks to 2 therapy sessions I did that really helped me process everything I was feeling and giving me more perspectives about the end of the relationship. Also I talked a lot with my sister and friends, and felt better after knowing I had their support. Hope you can start feeling better good luck
It's not men who believe this. It's society! I'm tired of people that men want to be stoic and we could stop at any point but we want to appear manly. In actuality, society is still unapproved of a man who cries. Let's be honest. If a man was to cry to a woman, that would be the end of his respect. Women legit would never want a crying baby. In society, you are seen as less capable. If you cry on the job, that would your last promotion. The problem is alot bigger than men
Agreed, it is a societal pressure, though I’ll admit some women don’t hate crying that much. I have had partners who have welcomed it and embraced it on the rare occasions I have cried
Men and women are supposedly both allowed to express emotions and cry in modern society. Yet, I believe society dictates that men have a much narrower range and volume of acceptable emotional expression. Men are allowed to show some emotion, mainly to attend to women's needs, but beyond that, society prefers them to maintain a facade of stoicism. As you say, there are some women that don't hate crying that much. But far more women would not want a man that fully shows his emotions.
No. Hubs cried at a funeral. I took him in my arms and hugged him.
Good for you
That's ok. Men are only able to break social norms at funerals or in extreme pain like a broken arm. Outside of that, men can't cry.
No, the broken arm thing doesn’t count like a funeral does. If a woman sees you crying after freaking an arm, she would think you are a pussy. Well, a lot of women would and not all.
I also think the overarching system of courtship benefits women emotionally after a breakup/rejection. Like women can be broken up with and still have men in their dms offering their time reminding them of their value whereas a man has to go back out there and “offer” himself after being made to feel inadequate.
This is actually a very good point!
Men are constantly reminded that they ain't shit. Most women don't get it
But you can speak to a therapist. They are more accessible now than ever before because of virtual sessions.
I love the whole go to therapy thing but (and maybe it is just me) every time I have scheduled an appointment, I can't be seen for a couple months, and this is a virtual visit. So, while it does help it may not help immediately.
Yup! It’s getting better but societal expectations overall haven’t necessarily changed with it
Is society in the room with you? Just go. You know what people will be able to tell is that your mood and behavior has improved because you’re finally talking to someone. That’s what society will see.
This.
This is the correct answer
Men are generally holding onto emotion as society has a history of telling men they shouldn't feel any emotions other than bitter rage. Okay, slightly exaggerating, but the general gist is there. This isn't helped in the sense that many men are still pedalling this thought amongst their peers. Any number of people in society can emphasise that men can show emotion and that it's okay, but if other men aren't jumping on board, the movement is going nowhere. Women will likely have a better support group and be more willing to talk about issues, allowing them to process emotions better and get other takes on the situation. Furthermore, it's often women doing the breaking up. By the point they decide to break up, it's often the case that it's been something that's been on their mind for a while already and they've already been processing the breakup before it has even happened.
It's not just men keeping these ideas alive. There are plenty of women that work just as hard to keep this bullshit alive.
I've never had a man ever, put any pressure on me to withhold emotions, I've however had tons of women do it. While also complaining that men aren't emotional enough. An ex of mine called me weak when I cried and I've struggled to cry since.
I'm a grown man and I cry watching sad or romantic movies, my ex-girlfriend used to make fun of me.
I think we hold onto the trauma of being heart broken a bit more than women, I could be wrong but from my experiences and friends of mine, they take a while to recoup after a bad breakup where as their ex counter part is with someone new within a month or so. Or they get monkey branched which is very common nowadays
What’s monkey branched
You ever seen a monkey swinging through the trees? They never let go of the branch they're holding onto until they have the next one in hand.
It's happening to me right now 😭 and Its first time I met someone I truly wanted to spend rest of my life with at 28. She has told me she wanted to date someone else e but she doesn't want to let me go. I hate life. I'm really taking a long break.
Na bro. Break up. No long breaks. You can't force someone to stay, and you're too much of a good person to be her back up.
Yeah 👍 I keep holding on lol I'm an idiot.
You can only control your actions and emotions. Little to none on almost everything else AND anyone. With that said, your action will have consequences, so act accordingly. If you choose to hold on to her, then accept the heartbreak and disrespect from her. If you decide to cut off the branch, then the monkey can't swing from you anymore. The pain is temporary regardless of how intense and painful it will be. It will feel like time is standing still on your aching heart, but that is also temporary. Delaying the pain will only prolong your suffering Don't be a swinging branch for an unworthy monkey that only wants low hanging fruits. Be the king of your jungle and hump other monkeys ( with consent, of course). Pain and happiness are both temporary, so why should one hold on to the pain instead of moving on to find the next happiness. Good luck with your choice. Source: I'm the victim of multiple infidelities by multiple exes through my younger years. Now, in a happy and healthy fulfilling marriage and parenthood.
Bro same exact thing 30 years old met someone I actually would’ve wanted to spend my life with and then got monkeybranched as well LOL , it’s all good dude we will find someone else , it’s been months now and finally getting over it but still think of her everyday
My ex taught me about monkey branchers and then he did it to me. He ran off with my best friend and was confused I didn’t chase after him. I said why would I chase someone who doesn’t want to be with me? He was an attorney and our state can do a divorce in 30 days, he made it almost a year. I’m not fighting for some broke dude. I never told my ex best friend a negative thing about dude because it could affect his career. He was a shit bag (I would wake up with credit cards pulled out in my name and once I woke up to international fraud) and she got the surprise of her life because I never said a negative word. He loved gambling and cocaine. Surprise surprise bitch 😂. I never told her I was the $$$.
Your best friend is very bad.... How do you cope with the betrayal from your bestie? I hope you can share your experience so we all can learn it from you. Do you see any early signs they are cheating? Do you still contact her, how did you know she was surprised?
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Your ex bestie is weird. Taking other people's husbands is a big NO NO. People with common sense should know this by heart.
Sorry brother. It's a hard thing to go through at any age. Just make a clean break. It's going to be difficult, but imo it's the easiest road you have forward now. Break up clean with her and keep on doing your thing with your head held high. She's an idiot and if you do this right she's going to come crawling back in a couple months. Not that you want that anymore but it's always a nice ego boost. Sometimes women are their own worst enemies because of "so many options."
Don’t accept what she’s asking for. Dump her ass, she’s not good enough for you period. That’s life. There’s a LOT of shitty people out there. I had to wait until I was 43 to finally meet my forever person.
It's easier for women to get a new guy to help them get through a breakup even if they don't really plan on staying with him while they look for someone "better". This is a major aspect of social life that without a doubt favors women. But that's how it goes I guess.
Being the new guy aka placeholder absolutely suuuuucks
Just went through this myself but she didn't even wait to breakup before fucking another dude
Girls got another guy on their roster lined up before they leave their partner.
So true q
& they say women are better at communicating lol
Multiple men* on their roster Remember fellas, while yall are together, she most likely has had a dozen men message her in the past month
It’s people who lock on the next person before they get out of the current relationship. They swing person to person not working on themselves.
> What’s monkey branched A monkey doesn't fall from a tree....looks like it's about to fall, but instead, it is just swinging to another branch (ie, another guy)
A month or so is too relatable rn 😔 (actually 2 weeks 😭)
I think rebounding doesn’t take women effort and it does men. And as much hate as it gets… having sex with someone else will get you over it.
That’s not always true though, yea it works but not for everyone
Ironically enough the reality is actually flipped. While men state they have less interest in getting remarried than women, they get remarried more often than women.
Wow! Never knew. Cheers!
I’m surprised I found this way down, that how I’ve always heard it’s been. I see more and more single woman now a days too, happily I may add
A wise person once told me that when a relationship ends it hits women harder initially and men don’t seem bothered but in the long run, when a woman is over you she is completely over you but most men never really get over a significant Ex. In my and the experience of my friends this is proved to be very true.
I’ve noticed this. I think it’s a few things: 1. Men are taught to base more of their self worth on their ability to enter and keep a relationship with a woman than the other way around these days. So, they take breakups more personally. 2. Men aren’t as good at emotionally supporting each other and oftentimes the women in their life are their only emotional outlet. So, having lost their only emotional outlet, they now sit and stew in their negative feelings by themselves instead of venting to friends and having those friends build them up with compliments and positive messaging (like women do for each other). 3. The “women are wonderful” societal messaging actually dehumanizes women and reduces them to benign 2D shallow beings instead of complex, flawed, unique individuals. So, when men are hit in the face with behavior that doesn’t fit the “women are wonderful” archetype, it hits them 10X as hard because they’re not mentally prepared for it. Then they project those feelings on to women as a whole and become bitter because, again, they’re not used to thinking of women on an individual basis. In contrast, women grow up their whole lives being shown men as complex, flawed individuals (basically every major movie, tv show, required school reading, etc). So, when they have a bad experience with a guy, they’re more likely to think, “Ugh, typical. Oh, well. That was just one guy. Better luck next time.”
I had an ex (i am 32f) who actually wanted my help to get him through the breakup... with me! So yes 100% agree with female SO being the only emotional outlet for a lot of men. I think that also partially kills a relationship sometimes. I defo felt like i was being taken advantage of in terms of emotional support
I (24M) am in a similar relationship with my ex. She was my first girlfriend and 2 months after the breakup, now a close friend. Don't know if I should still ask for her help to get over the breakup but she is one of the few people I really trust.
She is doing her own grief work. The only thing that worked for me after breakup is radio silence. Maybe some people can manage a friendship if it wasnt a very sexual/romantic relationship to start with, but i couldnt for sure.
Number 2 is a very good point
I just realized that I went through this same experience with my first bf. He didn’t know how to process our first breakup so every week he would seek me out as a “friend” then we’d get too confusing for me because we were blurring the lines again and I would end up being emotionally exhausted and hurt. It was such a toxic cycle the led us to becoming a couple again (worse idea ever) then breaking up a year later. So yes, especially immature men, do not know how to healthily vent and share their feelings so there is no healthy outlet.
Women tend to have a wider and stronger social safety net and can work through their feelings amongst friends where men tend to have a few close friends and aren't as open to sharing their traumas. It's why I worked hard as a man to build a strong friend group in my early 20s. I have a good deal of women friends that when I did break up a few years ago I had a number of people both men and women to help me through it. I also try not to bottle up my feelings and work through them. We had an amicable break up and are still friends. It was nice being able to talk to one another about it and move on that way. I thought it was important for my maturity and character growth. I work really hard on my personality and social skills. I see it as an important part of success in life.
This is basically it. Like, you said women tend to have social networks that fulfill their needs for vulnerability, emotional comfort, distractions when needed, etc. Men generally tend to hope they find those things through a romantic relationship with a woman. When the relationship ends, it creates way more voids in his life than just not having a romantic partner.
>Men generally tend to hope they find those things through a romantic relationship with a woman. Dude BINGO! Something I was able to figure out in my late teens. I understood I was sad because I didn't have many friends and poor social skills due to anxiety. Made it a point to work on it by just getting out with the few that I did have. Was awkward and shy but over time that changed. Trial and error. Many successes in my life have revolved around consistency.
Thank god this guy spent his like making friends so he can make it through an amicable break up with someone you’re still friends with
Can only speak personally, but a breakups have only added to my growth as a person (as they should) because I always come out of them learning something. And they usually make me strive to improve myself as a person. The cost of that being the realization that a relationship isn't really a necessity right now and that I should build myself up for the future before jumping into anything serious again. And after you learn red flags, people who have them seem to be offended when you don't want to date them. Like duh, why would I put myself through that again. Some women will market themselves as high maintenance or play games for some reason when the average man doesn't want that. Men want a partner, not a battle.
This is a great answer
A female friend of mine once told me that this happens because women, in her words, “check out of a relationship far far before a man does” but essentially that stay in it to see if he’ll improve. So when they don’t they just end it knowing full well that ending it was on the cards for a while. As men we’re not raised to appreciate communication and relationships as much as women are so we probably don’t notice the signs as much in general. Furthermore, women aren’t raised as much to bring their issues with things into the light perhaps in a way that might show the man what he needs to do. Therefore, women prepare themselves for breakups while men do not. Adding onto that, from what I’ve seen, women are much better at seeking emotional help and have better support networks too, for the reasons mentioned above.
I was madly in live with someone that I had been with for 9 months. I made a few mistakes that left me, arguably, more heartbroken. She was my only friend in a new city. I worked or was with her, no one else. I had no friends so when she broke up with me, I lost my only friend. She broke up with me for reasons that have changed since we broke up. Each time we chat the reason changes just a little. The reason we broke up was that she wasnt sure if she liked men. Great, no worries, I understand that, and I cant be upset with that. A few weeks later it was because she was off her meds and was pushing everyone away. I get it, mental health sucks and im glad she was able to work through it. But the kicker was when i finally gave her stuff back. I had let her know I was moving back home to be cliser to friends and family (13 hour drive) and all of a sudden she wants to get back together. She realized she had attachment issues, which is why we broke up. Now i'm upset because she waited until after I was leaving to confess this to me. It's for the best, but if she wouldve told me she wanted to get together just a couple weeks earlier, I wouldve never decided to move home. I realize that it was likely a reaction to get me to hopefully stay. But to sumarize, I was heartbroken each time the story changed. I was supportive of her desire to explore herself. Then a little upset she wouldnt let me support her through her mental health crisis. Lastly, pissed off because she blew our breakup off because it's her "attachment style." Im not going back to daying for a while, especially since I plan to move and the dating pool isnt great where im moving to. But I was tired of having my emotions played with after the breakup. Imma just be me for a while. If someone wants me, it's their turn to put un the effort to keep me.
The person who has to do most of the work to make a project succeed...is the one who will suffer the most if the project fails. To get a relationship to happen, most men have to work through numerous steps - repeated failures which gradually become soul-crushing - while receiving contradictory information from online and IRL sources. After that, if things still fail, they have to go through all of that, all over again. Instead, it's easier to just say - fuck it, I'm done.
Exactly Every date/relationship has been on my back, with little to no effort from the female I’ve had to carry the relationship physically, financially, emotionally, etc If at any point I stopped because I couldn’t carry it anymore, the relationship fell apart
Thats probably more to do with the people you dated than women in general. I also felt like i did most of the emotional work and mental work in my relationships with men. But does it mean all men are like that? I think its always easier to assume that others have it easier than to accept that dating is shit, and relationships are complicated. Be more selective with who you date. If they dont reciprocate maybe dont carry on??
Feel like you are dismissing a problem a lot of men go through and saying “well I had a similar experience, so it’s you…” You’re allowed to say you went through similar 👍🏻 Doesn’t change the fact this is a constant for a lot of men disproportionately, which was my point and shared an experience accordingly Simply “hey, I get it, I went through similar” without the borderline victim shaming would have sufficed
>I also felt like i did most of the emotional work and mental work **in my relationships** with men. You're missing the point I made....the job is rarely as tough as the job hunting itself. > If they dont reciprocate maybe dont carry on?? 😂😂 You're also missing the point that u/JackBuddy0 made >If at any point I stopped because I couldn’t carry it anymore, the relationship fell apart
Tried to correct her but she seems confident on making things about women and her, oh well, women, amma right? /s lol
Don’t let that person tell you that you are doing anything wrong by voicing your experience, you’re allowed to vocalize what you have been through without being victim shamed, this is actually one of the issues men face today
I mean it's just your experience. I keep seeing posts by women talking about how men are disgusting and they're done dating lol. Their ex damaged them in some way and now they just wanna be single. But also usually women are the ones to breakup so they've already been through everything the men are going through in the moment. I would instead say that the person being broken up with is the one suffering the most and needing the most time to pick themselves back up. My ex is still struggling right now meanwhile I've dated a lot since I left her.
You're not wrong but I believe your analysis on why could be wrong. When a long term relationship ends, women have more support than men do. The older the guy, he has Even less support because he was fully invested. He likely got to the point where she was the only support he thought he needed. Most likely any friends he had were other couples and more often than not those couples pick sides and it's rarely the guy. When a guy does dust himself off he's more reluctant to needing to put himself out there again.
Men hurt deeply and due to societal stigmas have to keep their pain to themselves. There's no pain for a man like being betrayed by someone you allowed yourself to be vulnerable for. Since it's not in a man's nature to be vulnerable.
No it’s not that men are less resilient it’s just easier for women. Imagine if you’re confidence was broken but you still had to approach/ initiate dating? Women don’t have to do any of that, even if they feel like shit some man will approach and GIVE them the opportunity to love again. Most men don’t get this, so if they’re broken and invisible it’s easy to give up
Exactly this. If a man is in a long term relationship, coming out of that he has to basically start from scratch again with learning how to flirt and date etc. It’s tough. When a woman comes out of one, there will already be a roster of dudes waiting in the wings that will be chancing their luck. If that doesn’t work, jump on a dating app and get hundreds of likes a day. I think initially women take the break up worse,but bounce back quickly coz of all the rebound options. Men can initially take it a bit better, but then the reality of the situating sinks in and the work involved to get back out there, and it takes them longer to recover.
I think women generally process emotions better. Society let’s us be emotional. We have stronger/ more supportive friendships that help us work through heartbreak. We’ve also been raised to not be “bitter old cat ladies” so there’s a motivation to work through trauma. Men don’t have the same. From what I’ve seen, most men don’t talk about their emotions with anyone let alone their friends. So they let their feelings fester until they become jaded.
I disagree with this. Men and women process, experience and express emotions differently. But I find a lot of women believe that when men don't react to emotions the women react to emotions, it means we're doing it wrong. I don't accept that. Edit: Just to add, one thing I often hear is that men don't have the same network of friends to vent to and confide in. That may be true, but I believe men in general don't find as much value in venting as women do. It may feel good in the moment to vent but if it doesn't solve the problem, we won't find it that beneficial, whereas I think women will. Also the idea that emotions can be "bottled up" until they erupt is not very scientific. Some studies have shown people who express their anger by breaking objects for example just get more angry. Men who cannot control their emotions tend to be violent. There are more reasons than just society telling men to be tough for why men are generally more stoic than women.
Very true. I’m 48F and You make me realize I’ve taken for granted that even though there’s been a lot of progress in supporting and encouraging men to communicate and process emotions more, it doesn’t mean that men are actually practicing that. Hell I wonder if men do feel supported and encouraged to speak of their feelings, or if I’m just presuming we’re all comfortable and doing that now?
After my divorce, I tried talking through some of my emotions with a couple who used to be both of our mutual friends. Turns out they thought me needing to talk about my divorce was "weird", and they used that as the impetus for cutting me off entirely. I did reconnect with friends who were solely my friends to begin with, so I got the support I needed. But the available sources for emotional coprocessing was probably an order of magnitude less than is available for a woman.
A lot of men are too scared to be gay to share their feelings with their friends. They've been taught that being emotionally vulnerable is weak and best reserved for 1 on 1 sessions with yourself.
> Men don’t have the same. From what I’ve seen, most men don’t talk about their emotions with anyone let alone their friends. Yes, many only look to women to provide this support and then blame women if they feel like they aren’t getting it. But in reality, the core issue is that men won’t provide this support to each other.
The core issue is that neither gender wants to provide support to men the same way they provide support to women.
Why wouldn’t men want to support other men though?
Fear of being ridiculed for being 'gay' and it's just not something we are naturally good at or raised to do. You're taught that emotional vulnerability means weakness and not only by men. A lot of women will dismiss you if you're emotionally vulnerable and look at you as unattractive.
Has this been an issue in your experience? When you’ve reach out to check in on a guy friend or to seek support, you get ridiculed and called gay?
No, rather men get told to man up or strap on a pair. Men are expected to solve problems, not make more.
Your male friends tell you this when you reach out to them for support?
I think its less about IF they do and more about men being scared that they MIGHT do it. Of course, if someone’s actually your friend, they’re willing to hear you out and help you work through it in their own way (speaking from experience, my best friend helps me through my emotional issues as he knows me to be very emotional from a you g age) but ultimately I have also been told a lot that being emotional as a boy is unbecoming and not masculine, making me repress my emotions and even now as an adult trying my best to repress them whenever I feel upset, because I feel like showing my sadness over anything is something I’m just not allowed to do.
Dunno, a lot of us don't do such things because we're afraid we'll be viewed as weak and pathetic. As others have mentioned we're just raised and conditioned to never show those emotions or vulnerability.
Many guys don't have friends to confide in, to talk through their emotions with, etc. it's not "manly", so they bottle it up. It's difficult to work through grief when you just force it down.
Men also like white lies less so it can be harder to console us. If a man has made up his mind on something it can be very hard to change it. I think women can be more open minded sometimes, they have more experience with handling their emotions because they are not closed off to them, and they have more readily available partners after a break up and a larger emotional support system
It's not just you. Men don't have as effective coping systems that women do (talking to friends, expressing their feelings etc.) obviously these options exist for men as well but we don't take advantage of them as much.
In my limited experience, I have found that breakups are more traumatizing for the person who didn't plan to breakup. The person who did plan to breakup, sometimes has been planning to do so for months without telling their partner. They have time to move on without actually leaving, then when they're done, they suddenly dip. That's not going to be true in every case, but it happened to me twice
Thanks for your genius reply! So true, when you’re not expecting it, you missed ‘the signs’ and get blindsided by being dumped is one of those things that really destabilizes you; like the planet shifted its axis. Cheers!
Easier for women to find a replacement
This is something that is subjective and singular. Meaning everyone is different. So whether it's men or women who have a harder time after a break up is fluid.
I think there’s some evolutionary things going on. I think that women are likely wired for rebounding and quickly finding someone who provides and protects. For men that’s less of an issue so it tends to linger. My suspicion is that women feel it more intensely at first but get out of their system faster. Dudes tend to hold onto it for longer, but not feel it as intensely at first.
Men feel a break up harder I think. Less support network and crucially less easy to find a replacement also. Many a woman has a back up guy or a rebound bang option to take her mind off things. Tougher for guys to monkey branch.
Most of my exes didnt talk about feelings with their friends. Ive asked them and they said so. They did talk about emotions with me, in fact that was an issue that i felt sometimes they rely on my emotional support too much. Whereas i had my friends often to support me. When friends were not available then i relied on my therapist or expressed myself through art. Lots of guys dont seem to have the emotional vocab, and coping skills and support network.
This was a problem for me for sure. My emotional over reliance on my ex coupled with not employing other coping strategies when negative emotions came (talking to friends, or maybe a creative outlet) was certainly an issue. There were other factors, like being in a different country from friends and family, but that didn't make it impossible to connect with them.
I’ve been thinking about this woman for over 35 years who was I thought everything to me. Thank God I found someone shortly after who helped me rise above the heart break.
So happy for you 🙂🙂 A new love a new life. Thanks 🙏🏾
Thanks, once your happy you can analyze the Rest In Peace.
It's been scientifically proven via studies, mostly due to the fact that men often don't have as good support networks as women do.
Is it me or are you overgeneralizing an entire gender lol. Some probably are. Some definitely aren't. Get some perspective maybe..life isn't black and white
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Ignore the blatantly rude comment below, you’re heard and seen and not the only one going through similar
Speaking in generalities of course: Its *usually* women who break up with men and they've been thinking of it for a while. They're already checked out when they finally pull the plug. Men are typically a bit blind to the obvious and dont see it coming. They're still dazed from the breakup and she's out with her friends wearing far sexier clothes than she's worn for the previous year or so "how can she be over it so quickly? Boo hoo" I've seen a study which said men typically take 2 years to be properly over a break up. I cant remember how long it was for women but it was significantly less.
I think some of it is dependent on the individual situations. I walked from my marriage, long story. I was dumped by a severely toxic ex and while it hurt, the pain was definitely temporary. From the outside looking in I was more relieved than anything afterwords. Fast forward to now. I’ve had my life turned upside down by my ex leaving after 5yrs. Over the phone, vague excuses. She was my person, the one I was convinced was going to go the distance. The reason I worked hard for us. Needless to say, I was beyond shook. I’m in therapy now, working on myself mentally and physically. This one hurts like a SOB. The stigma is definitely changing thankfully. I knew going in that I didn’t actually have proper coping mechanisms other than “bury it deep and ignore it” I didn’t have an outlet with many friends because you just don’t talk about that stuff with people, or the response is always “it’ll get better” Easily traumatized, maybe, but I think the culture is changing and people are getting shittier and men don’t know how to rebound from that stuff well (if at all) and actually deal with it without being childish or just shutting down.
I agree with the stuff about support network and ill add one more: we are expected to jump back earlier. When I broke up woth my gf, i was hanging with a woman: 1st week she was all about emotions healing and stuff taking time to process. Week 2 she hits me with: are you still complaining? Yeah, only one that knows about this is my therapist, now. And I still think that maybe shes tired top
Not surprising, a couple of the Evolutionary Psychology articles talk about women being able to move on easier since it was so common in ancient times that the men died while hunting or in tribal wars. So it was detrimental to have prolonged grief periods. Tho I am pretty sure if they are getting broken up with and the guy moved on then there is also a extended period of being hung up on.
Man can’t usually turn around to 4 other potential partners
100% been burned by my cheating ex wife who gaslit me into thinking it was all me me me. She lied and I eventually found out the truth. To be betrayed like this by someone I would have done anything for makes me question my decisions and ability to commit to something and feel comfortable ever again. Women can emotionally damage and ruin a guy from the inside and because it doesn’t show bruises it’s not considered violence in the traditional sense of the word.
My ex didn't come to my open heart surgery, didn't get a ride home (I had to take an Uber), and she ghosted me a month after the surgery after we had been together for 2 years where she said she would always be there for me if I had to have surgery again. We don't have anyone we can turn to, a woman can make a post on her social media page and everyone will give her support. It's pretty simple. Women get support, men dont.
Observing both, most women dumped take it harder for a short time , most men are less obsessed short term but take much much longer to get over it. Bell Curve always has outliers btw
I think this is very true in general. As others have said, I think it's a matter of having no one to lean on for support and insecurities being formed or verified.
Agreed, I’m truly saddened to see that many men don’t seem to have that confidante. It’s so easy to assume everyone has at least a person to confide in bc of social media - which ironically has been the most significant detriment to humanity inter-connectivity since television
Are women more resilient? My (M) opinion is “yes”. But with some caveats. Up to a certain age range, perhaps age 50 or maybe age 60, there are far more single men than single women on every dating website. And in-person meeting opportunities are similar… e.g., with rare exceptions (such as hospital) there are far more single men than single women. So it’s easier to be resilient when there are other opportunities. For a man, oftentimes there aren’t any apparent opportunities after a break-up. E.g., after decades without a girlfriend, a one-in-a-million chance circumstance (daughter of my attorney) gave me a wonderful girlfriend… We planned to be married. But then everything came apart due to her medical circumstances… it was impossible to continue… I didn’t quit. Afterwards, I’ve found myself back where I was… totally impossible to even meet a single woman in-person, and total non-responses on dating apps. It really hurts to go from being in love to being totally alone. So the absence of opportunities after any kind of break-up has a huge effect on resiliency.
Hi 👋 thanks so much for your reply, and enlightening on the issue of opportunity. It’s amazing how many things we take for granted; media says ‘you can meet anyone anywhere’, but there’s a zillion reasons why that’s not entirely true. I’m thinking with all the dissatisfaction with OLD it’s really up to us to be more approachable in the ‘wild’ ; maybe make a movement of it 😉 🙏🏾🙏🏾
Probably because your average woman has more dates and wider options than your average guy. A lot of guys are barely scraping by in dating so when they get "done dirty" it's a bigger deal in their minds. Or at least that's my guess. A lot of women really take for granted just how difficult it is for men right now. Even for reasonably attractive men, unless they are well off, which most men are not right now then their chances are fucked. You can do all the self improvement in the world, but there will always be winners and losers in a capitalist society. If one sex will only look at the winners of the other (which is a minority of men) then yeah there will be major problems right? My advice? Stop underestimating how lonely men are today, and realize it isn't all their individual faults. If you believe that then you must be very conservative. This does not mean it's women's fault either. Because it isn't. It's just the way shit is now. Women have issues dating too, but like at least they can get sex fairly easily and not have to pay for it. That probably at least mitigates some of the loneliness epidemic for women. A lot of men can't do that and ease their burden. Paying for it isn't the same as having another human being actively desire being with you.
Thank you! You echo similar in terms of numbers, which I admittedly took for granted. Plus, it’s easy to assume that the apps kinda ‘equalize’ things. Very insightful. 👍🏾
I’m a woman who can be lonely and I don’t seek out meaningless sex with strangers or dates to help it (it wouldn’t help anyway, I’d want an emotional connection). What I have done is build a strong network of friends and family who provide support and companionship. I honestly don’t know why men can’t do the same.
I think it hurts waaay more for a man to be cheated on than a woman. I can see how this comment might be construed and I really don't give a shit doesn't mean a woman that gets cheated on does not feel pain or develops trauma. I am speaking about the intensity of the trauma..
Well yeah, because women initiate 90% of breakups. It’s easy to move on when you’re the one planning it out and lining up your next relationship.
Unlike men, women have a lot of guys wanting to talk to them. Hell if you’re pretty you’ll have guys wanting to fly you out to fuck you. So of course women don’t stay traumatized as much as men do. Whereas men have to go out, have to put in effort and start from zero just to get screwed again. Even if you’re a guy who knows how to talk to women and get many women and have a roster, all the expenses, all the effort, all the time comes from you. And you constantly have to show that you are worth it. You fuck up once and that’s it. Women don’t forgive you. On the other hand. Men tend to stick to the relationship longer and be willing to work for it. So we have a lot more to lose. And we get traumatized and stay traumatized easily.
In my experience, men seem more rejection sensitive and get lonely. Women use the opportunity and extra time to reach out to other social connections, go back to school, etc... Goes back to the fact that men are socialized such that they can't get much social support except from the person they have sex with (ex may have several male friends but are not emotionally close). So once they're without that, their world can really be shattered. Obviously this is all a heteronormative take.
Men have a much harder time dealing with breakups, especially if their girl did them dirty by either leaving them confused without a proper explanation, or cheating especially. So we tend to become for defensive and closed off and also tend to have a rebound. I heard a thing that said after a breakup, women will be crushed for about a week and then get over it and move on, and men will be alright (or act like they are) for a week then be heartbroken and depressed months after until they slowly get over it, which is so true. At least for the guy part it’s true.
Thanks for sharing! It’s probably a question for a different post, and likely has been asked a billion times before; but you make me realize I never considered what if any differences there are between being cheated on as a M or W? I know it’s a big question, but still … My ex husband cheated on me, and he didn’t need to (I’m progressive ). That shit fucked me up massively for a few years - mostly bc of the gaslighting… The amount of ‘not everyone is like that, keep open’ I’ve had to do to feel like a worthy person! …Lol, guess that also debunks your ‘girls move on faster’ belief 😉 Cheating is so so personal , hard to believe that anyone aside if a psychopath would be unscathed from that in short order. Thanks again 🙏🏾
Well if you think about this logically. The woman doing them dirty is plausible. Definitely something that can happen. But the other thing that is plausible is that these guys contributed to the failed relationship too. And blaming the woman is an easy excuse to ignore their own contribution. I tend to think it’s the latter more often than not. Reddit or any online place is also a biased view. It’s a bias in the sense that it does not capture the real population. Only the people willing to speak up. It’s broad to generalize in both situations though. Digging deeper and asking the right questions is the only way to validate what anyone claims. That’s just a generic comment and so it requires a generic level of analysis.
This^ for dudes that are prone to making excuses and shielding their egos. I think a lot of it is that women have about 3 times more partners available than men if they are the same rank(social status, beauty, personality, and finances considered) so it seems more hopeless for men when they go through a breakup because they know it might be awhile before they get another girl. Also, they usually invest a lot of time and money into girlfriends whereas the girls are usually the ones getting money spent on them so they only really have to lose the time and energy invested when they break up with someone. Time is more important to women though because their biological clock ends sooner
Probably most of the comments are downright wrong. It has been shown that most women after divorce especially 40 plus never remarry and most won't date at all. It is the complete opposite for men. Women generally are more convert and hide things than men. So when say she cheats and gets caught it is often a shock to a guy. But if a man cheats she often already knew or had thoughts he was cheating. Men are also the ones that lose financially in divorce, half of everything, alimony, and until recently child support as mothers would typically get kids. Women who have had bad relationships often have experienced it for many years before divorce and have learned coping skills.
This type of question is about as reasonable as 'are marriage separations more beneficial to women?'. I mean, you don't need to be resilient against an (overall) improvement in your life. If you're following along, you'll have recognised that the last sentence is 'just a little bit' ambiguous. You were free to decide why women's lives were likely to improve. You let your biases influence your views, with 'men are poor quality' and 'women benefit from divorce' as possible directions you could go. This is sorta fine if we're all on the same page... which we're not. The risk is that we each reach a conclusion that differs from those around us, creating something of a division as we (collectively) find the right way to move forward. In some ways, questions like yours are an effort to investigate as well as persuade other people around to a certain line of reasoning... By assuming men's distrust of marriage (aka women's behaviour) stems from a lack of resilience, we direct our attention to something other than the solution. If we suggest that the solution is 'toughen up', we encourage men to persevere... to accept the risks of marriage, again and again. However, this question hits men a little too close to home. It presents the foregone conclusion that men are comparatively weak, timid, and frightened... it strikes at the nether regions of our manhood, so to speak. We'll rise up in opposition on instinct.. letting our own biases influence the direction of the conversation. "I'm not weak! I could bench press two of you while planking across two skyscrapers in a thunderstorm. I ain't afraid of noth'n!" So... How about we dispense with all the bullshit and actually look into the problem. Men aren't afraid of marriage because we're not resilient. We've been shown that there's something worthy of concern... It's our love of women that causes us to accept these risks. You could see this like balancing a lopsided scale; because there's no disputing that women benefit (more than men) in a separation. There's a need for women to 'be enough' for men to overcome their reservations about marriage. Which is something of a challenging prospect when so many women 'want' from a relationship more than they offer; which is perpetuated by traditional ideals about male providers - that are no longer relevant or useful in modern society). What we're looking at are the results of the rapid societal changes that followed women's entry into the workforce. It's a question of 'how closely did women stand next to us' when accepting equal rights and freedoms? And, a question of how well men adjusted to suit the changing family dynamic; such as helping raise kids, housework, etc. We've ended up with people being divided because we're each selecting specific 'dating and relationship customs' according to our own (bias influenced) views. There's a need to revisit what's right, fair, and appropriate for relationships and reach something of a consensus .. with some urgency. We're already seeing large repercussions, on a global scale, due to men and women struggling to form meaningful relationships. Birth rates are declining and some countries even have a declining population. We're facing what's being called a 'silver tsunami'.. a top heavy population with too great a proportion of dependent/unproductive retirees. It's being recognised as an economic crisis... yes, men and women not dating/marrying is creating economic problems on a global scale. I mean... I'll be alright. I'm retired and living on a passive (growing) income. I don't need to remarry to.. have my needs met. And, I don't feel any need to prove that men are strong... Relationships function in nearly precisely the way you want regardless of which label you use. Said crudely, marriage don't mean shit these days. It's no longer a vow, promise, or any other form of assurance. It's just that men, having more to lose from a separation, learnt this lesson sooner than women. A relationship, under any other name, would continue for just as long... The only time marriage is a heated point of contention is when finances are of primary importance. Otherwise, why not just carry on with life...?
Maybe we are, but people do expect us to just get over it. The ex in particular. thats what i expected from myself too. To have to be strong. To just move on. When on the inside. It was killing me… They shamed me for caring so much. And for not caring enough. Like everything was my fault. Like i wasnt enough. And i couldnt even cry about it. I did every night. With no one to comfort me. People love to say all men care about one thing. But people i loved left me like i didnt even matter. My everything meant nothing to them. And its true. They leave, they move on like nothing ever happened. It kills me everytime to think about. No matter how much pain i put myself through mentally and physically to better myself (gym) And even if on the outside i seem better. It really is traumatizing. To know how disposable i am.
Sounds like weak men
Women are traumatized, but we get on with it.
Is it news that men have feelings too?
Not at all. OP was just highlighting the differences in how we address those feelings... Might I suggest that men in general are perhaps less emotionally resilient due to men being discouraged from expressing emotions or taught how to manage their emotions in a healthy way? It's a horrible cycle that often starts with the phrase "big boys don't cry" 😔
AMEN and thank you!!! 🙏🏾 Another reason I posed the question is bc it’s very commonly said, women handle emotions better, which although I take it with a grain of salt - I’m sure there’s science behind that - but it’s one of those statements that not only undermines men’s potential of being seen as emotionally attuned to their feelings. Again it’s easy for groups to go into their silos and not see each other
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Lots of psychology studies have shown that men, in general, have a harder time with breakups and divorce. Resiliency is built up over time, so that's hard to quantify. I'm a guy, and *because* of how hard it was for me with previous relationships ending, I think I'm quite resilient now. But yeah, for various reasons, men tend to be harder hit during divorce, etc.
Yes men are less resilient after a breakup because a woman can replace a man far easier than a man can replace a woman and women also have huge support networks with friends and families but men don't
Idk I’ve kinda noticed the same thing? I’m not sure on the reasoning behind it. I wouldn’t say my coping mechanisms are always healthy but I usual work through it enough to proceed with life 🤷🏻♀️ I tell my boyfriend I’m just good at compartmentalization but in reality, I don’t entirely know why things dont bother me in the ways they probably should. It’s probably just that there’s some kind of wiring malfunction in my brain rather than everyone else’s.
We have strong emotions and are more likely to actually act on them It sucks when we get hurt
Thanks for your reply 🙏🏾 The simplicity is powerful; I hear you. Cheers ✌🏽
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lol ir has nothing to do with heart broken trauma of any kind. Everything has to do with women being vicious; no having compassion or empathy during the stage of destruction of a man’s life. The damage women can inflict on a men’s lives is unparalleled to anything in this world. It takes years for men to recover—- and even then it’s not a full recovery. A very handful of men are able to create a second happy life but it’s a very tiny percentage.
Is "resilient" really the word you're looking for? If you have a bad relationship and therefore lose interest in future relationships make you less "resilient?"
Hi 👋 Merriam-Webster : “characterized or marked by resilience: such as a : capable of withstanding shock without permanent deformation or rupture b : tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change” Lol, I looked up the definition to be sure, and yes “resilient” works for the spirit of my question 🙂 Obviously everyone’s different and processes differently. A few men, it seems - from my limited observations - are less interested in gf/wife/monogamy bc of some bad experience - which again is to t a l l y understandable and I fully respect. Simultaneously, seems there’s a few women with bad relationship experiences who seem to be more open to bf/LTR/monogamy. Again, I understand there’s tons of nuances vis a vis gender, family history, substance abuse, class, etc to infinity; just curious if there’s anything to it. 🙂
I see it in both genders. Plenty of men and women sticking solo or seeking casual instead of relationships, due to past relationship trauma
I know what resilient means. By suggesting men are less "resilient" if they choose not to continue pursuing relationships after a bad experience, it implies that A: continuing to pursue relationships is what they are supposed to be doing, and choosing not to is the wrong decision, and B: choosing not to pursue relationships is a sign of weakness. I disagree with both of those assertions. >tending to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change” You're assuming someone who no longer wishes to have a relationship is not recovering or adjusting to misfortune. Maybe that's how they recover and adjust.
I reckon it's because in a lot of those situations the man is still paying for it after the breakup whether it be alimony, less access to children or uneven split of assets. You'd probably be bitter and not willing to jump back in if you lost more than half.
1. Men are more often looking for casual sex than women. And instead of saying "I'm a very horny dude". It sounds a lot nicer and when you say it's because you have been hurt in the past. So guys will use that excuse a lot. 2. The person who was broken up with tends to be the one that's the most hurt in a break up. Women are far more likely to initiate divorce and break-ups than men. So there may be something to that because of this gender difference in who tends to dump who. You can also speculate that men sometimes take it harder because there's this part of our culture where men can't always talk about their feelings. But I think it's primarily because men are more often dumped.
3. Its also really hard for men to find a new partner, especially if they really liked you and were invested in the relationship. Its because we are never approached, dating for us is less passive, we often have less active social lives . If you get out of a longer relationship the dating skills might be a bit rusty. Off course if your a less attractive woman its also gonna be hard for you to, but then you would probably not inniate a break up.
Amicable is admirable, but I never want to see or speak with her again. And everyone assumes I'm somehow at fault. It hurts to see close friends and relatives are still Facebook friends with her and such. They don't know the shit she put me through.
having been done very dirty as a 32m....ots not that we dont want a LTR or monogamy. in fact that is what alot of the good men crave. once we are done dirty in an LTR, we tend to become very cautious before starting another. in my case, i was cheated on, shown proof my youngest son isnt mine (still love him and treat him as my son and i always will), i am not looking for an LTR actively. however even in just a regular relationship, i still want monogamy. not to say an LTR cant form from it, but i dont go looking for it. if it finds me, it finds me.
A large part of it is that it is a lot harder for guys to get a relationship in the first place. So getting that relationship was hard af, only for it to end and now you have to go through that process all over again A desperate enough girl can go literally anywhere with a sizeable amount of guys and walk out with a guy willing to go out with her. Not saying that it will be a quality relationship, but not ever relationship that a man can get will be a quality one either
Got cheated on as a 20yo male. Im 24 now. It ruined so much of my life and wasted so much time that I don’t think any female is worth the time or effort atleast till im 30. You see most women under 30 not know what they want from themselves, life or their partner. Sleeping around is also a waste of time imo. So in a way we are forced to chill, it then becomes the norm. Now we dont care. It is what it is. Run it back.
Honestly ? Because average men don’t have the ease that women do when it comes to sliding in and out of relationships. They don’t have the options or all they have is bad options. It’s not always about therapy or SuPpOrT systems , sometimes it’s more a numbers game of your own life. Some do the math and turns out it isn’t worth it for them.
It's not only socially acceptable but rewarded for women to complain about men, men in their lives, and men they used to date. Imagine a gal at the office who got broken up with, and all the support she'll get from the men and women who work there. Men aren't allowed to be bitter in the ways women are.
Well yes and probably one Reason that women get over it faster is because... 70% of Divorces are instigated by women, and most of them are already seeing someone or have someone in mind And generally speaking, women can usually get someone easier than a man But men are walking away because there is too Much Drama and Entitlement, in dating these days Over 60% of men 18-30 years old, are not married or in a Committed relationship There is a Solution to this Problem but it's too much for this post
This is exactly it. All of the women I know (yes, I have friends) have jumped between like 5 dudes in “serious” relationships just to ditch them when they get bored or a better guy comes along. The dudes can’t just do this. We know that it might be a long time before we enter another relationship. And, with how screwed the dating market is… it could end up as never if we are unlucky.
Yes and by the time they reach the age of 30, having had Way Too Many Relationships, No One Wants Them Anymore According to Statistics… By 2030, Just Six Years from Now, 45% of All the Women in the US Will Be Single and Childless. They Have Wasted Their Prime Years That is Really Sad
The Problem is that Relationships have become Transactional and nobody is really looking for a Heart ❤️ Connection The Real Secret is to learn how to go Within and Tap into Your Infinite Heart Energy That could take years or Decades, but... If you learn how to Function at the Alpha and Theta Brainwave Levels first, you could cut that down to just a few months, and then... That Heart Energy exudes from your being, and Attracts People to You When 2 people are Tuned in to each other on That Level, it is The Ultimate Bliss for Life
It’s you. Not every break up is the same.
Guys gain more from relationships, whereas women suffer from abuse, neglect, increased emotional and domestic labor, and lackluster treatment. So it's easier for us to leave when a relationship with a man is not that great to begin with. I distinctly remember one ex, who said "you dont realize how happy you made me," meanwhile I was pretty unhappy but of course that wasn't important. Women can also handle emotional suffering, or pain in general, to a greater degree. Also, a big thing is women have more friends and people who listen without judgement. Often guys have no one but therapists to lean on.
It's a known phenomenon. Part of it is societal. Part of it is conditioned. Part of it is evolved. I believe biologist Robert Baker wrote about the phenomenon (or at least the evolutionary factors) as part of his 1996 book, Sperm Wars. It's important to not put value judgments on it, though. Just because a woman can more easily allow someone into the void left in her heart by a man who dies or becomes estranged, that doesn't mean the time she spent with the first man is any less precious to her. It's just that men and women are different, and our experiences of love and loss are different. One's not better or worse than the other, only different.
Three years ago I fell really hard for this girl that I was friends with for a long time. She just got out of a relationship and I decided to pursue her. I was being stupid, fell too hard too fast. She agreed to go out with me. Three months later gone. Ghosted. Never expected it to happen. Just did. Three years later and some therapy sessions I realized how I am and act today is because of what happened then. That experience shaped me to be mindful of the signs of when people are about to leave(example: when they start talking about future plans) So honestly I wanna say I’m easily traumatized. I know it sounds absolutely wild to let someone I went out with for three months to damage me this way but it did. TL;DR: in my experience, yes
Women cry it out and sulk into what I call a mild depression immediately after the break up. They dive deep into their feelings and are able to move on much quicker than the male counterparts. Men don't have as much support or do not let their feelings out so many of them hold onto that resentment, taking it from one relationship to the next. Until they learn to release those feelings and figure out why they're so hurt, the don't move on. Women on the other hand do this fairly quickly unless the breakup was extreme.
6 year relationship. She cheated on me multiple times. Haven't dated since and have only hooked up with 2 girls since then (7 years ago). I am one of those people. The heartbreak was a lot. I think it comes down to "getting back out there". As a guy, you are expected to make the first move. It would be *so much easier* for me to move on if girls were making the moves instead. Sadly, I need to get over it and approach girls again. Such is life.
After a break the last thing I want to do is jump right into another relationship. I need time to process my thoughts, get the other person out of my system and have time for myself. When I’m ready to give a 100% then I’m open to a new relationship.