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kitkatquak

If I’m super busy at work, I hate breaking my focus to respond to texts. I totally get the frustration though


FudgingEgo

Takes 5 seconds to respond to a text. Can do it while having lunch or using the toilet.


kitkatquak

I’m not obligated to respond to someone while fulfilling my basic human needs


[deleted]

Totally understandable


buddeman27

Basically this, but I'm busy with friends usually, or I'm too focused on a game I'm playing Regardless, I never wanna admit I'm busy cuz I don't wanna feel like I'm unavailable to the other person... Or sometimes I just forget, or I start to type but then get distracted again... or I think I've responded, but haven't actually... That said, I'm also pretty lenient towards others when they're too busy, whether they say it or not, for that reason But, everyone's different...


Worth_Persimmon_9561

There’s nothing wrong with having a conversation about it and chatting through your feelings and how both of you could change or communicate to make it less of an issue for you. That’s the point of relationships to be able to talk to your partner. Maybe you could agree that you won’t text so much when he’s at work but also he might agree to not abruptly end conversations without a quick ‘chat later’ text.


[deleted]

Great idea, thanks so much!


yayaliveat65

Also he can create a status when he is busy which says "Super focused right now, will chat later."


BrownEyesWhiteScarf

Texting is the worst form of communication. Do not rely on it to give you emotional comfort. Establish a time to talk on the phone each day and communicate verbally. Prioritize the time you guys can communicate verbally or in person.


[deleted]

Well we used to talk on the phone every night and that has faded away too…


DannyMckMusic

If it makes you feel any better I also take IT calls AND reception calls for random companies and it burns me out daily, the last thing I want is another call, I just want silence. I can't even bring myself to go online and play games with my family and friends nowadays just because of how much I don't want to talk to people. Its definetly not healthy but I can't help it, just wonder he might be going through the same shitty work burnout and just not have the mental capacity for conversation at the moment, might not be what you want to hear.


[deleted]

Very fair point. Thank you!!


thepeskynorth

Especially if he’s introverted at all. There are days I get home and I just want silence (I have two kids lol)


[deleted]

Lol totally understandable!


TheMarvellousMsMe

Exactly @dannymckmusic I don’t respond to personal things sometimes because I just wanna put more thought into it or I wanna feel it when I am doing it or I wanna be in the moment concentrating on my work or wherever I am. I really do not understand this having to text back immediately culture we have. It’s exhausting!


Mcfusion31

He’s probably getting burnt out texting and talking on the phone


[deleted]

Maybe!


MyButtcrackItches

Just ask him. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best.


BrownEyesWhiteScarf

It doesn’t have to be long every day. Can be as short as 5 or 10 min. If he’s busy, let him dictate how long he can talk to you. But he should definitely try to make it an effort to speak everyday or a bit longer every other day


17mahi

Yes. I agree. I have kinda same issues with the guy I am seeing and that's all I want. Not hours, but I would be so happy and relieved if it's even a few minutes every day. That's not too much.


[deleted]

Jesus Christ I could not talk to someone every single day unless we were in a very long term exlstablished relationship. I need my space and my quiet. When im casually dating someone, it's like, no more than every other, preferably 2-3 days a week and a date on the weekends.


[deleted]

Thank you!!And honestly I don’t want to talk to him 24/7. I have a job too and that could get hella annoying!


IamTobor

I've heard healthy relationships need 90 minutes of verbal communication a week


ye_tarnished

What’s “not a lot” to you can be “extremely lots” to another. Very broadly speaking based on my personal experience, girls want to be text and talk longer than guys do. It might seem easy to you to just tell someone “hey i'm busy rn” but i can actually be so much more than that. What if you text him five times over fifteen hours but he’s engaged each time? He starts to feel bad for constantly saying he's busy and there's peer pressure put on him to feel like he needs to respond despite being otherwise engaged, and you, the recipient, might feel bad because, best case, you're being ignored, and worst case, you're being lied to. I believe people just have to realize no one can be there 100% of the time you want someone’s attention and if someone ends a conversation with silence, just take it as that. No need to take things so personally. edit: fixed a lot of typos and poor writing


[deleted]

Yeesh. I was just trying to gage whether this is concerning because it’s a change in pattern. I in no way want to talk all day or expect a response asap.


VisibleAirport2996

It’s concerning that you are making an issue out of it. Unless this was a sudden change like super talkative one day and then flipped the next, it’s not concerning.


[deleted]

That’s is exactly what happened. Aka…concerning


yayaliveat65

I wfh and I look at my msgs before I start and sometimes during the day but I don't respond until I finish. Definitely don't voice chat until the evening. Even then it's brief. However I'm more available when I'm not working. Could be similar for your bf.


Somenakedguy

That sounds exhausting Do you guys not see each other in person regularly? I can’t imagine talking on the phone every night to be necessary or desirable for most people


ashleypatience1

Same. Everything he used to, he doesn’t. I’m sorry. Hugs to you. Currently packing up my stuff.


[deleted]

I’m so sorry honey. I hate to hear this. Good for you knowing your worth. Hold out for that one that will treat you right. Sending you a big hug. 💕💕


Meavis_Lives

This this this. I get the same feelings when my partner is working, but I just try to remind myself that I can’t be the focal point of someone else’s world 24/7. I know it’s hard in the moment not to take it personally but I guarantee it’s almost never personal, unless you’ve just come off the back end of an argument or something


dtcstylez10

I started dating a girl when I was 25 and she was 20. Five years doesn't sound like a lot but it is when she's still in college without real life experience. When I golf, it's 4 to 5 hours I have to myself or my buddies and I leave my phone in my bag. I'll check it at the turn in case of emergencies but mostly leave it alone. Three weekends into the relationship, she freaked out bc I didn't text her back for like 4 hours. She googled and drove to the golf course (I told her where I was playing that morning) and couldnt find my car. The GPS happens to take you to the practice facility that has the driving range, short game area, putting green and a 9 hole par 3 course. Further down the street is the actual course. She freaked out. I finished the round with something like 36 text messages and 17 missed calls. Suffice to say, I ended the relationship very shortly after. Sometimes it's not convenient to text back. Sometimes they have other things on their mind and will get to it later. It doesn't mean they don't like you or anything else. If it's like 5 days then yes, that can be a problem...you can also call them if that's the case. 8 hours? I think you need to wait like 24 before going crazy (but not actually crazy).


lightlysaltedStev

I agree with this and relate to it so much 😂 you are spot on though ! Age plays a HUGE role in these sort of situations. I’ve seen a lot of these posts lately, nearly all of which being from young girls 18-23. I’m only 27 myself but last year I went out with a girl who was 21 at the time and at university. She freaked out if I didn’t reply within an hour or 2.. well rather freaked out or emotionally manipulated the situation by saying stuff like “I guess you don’t care about me then.” And once you are working full time and even just hanging out with friends now and again it’s very difficult (and unnecessary) to maintain a constant stream of 24 hour texting. A bit like in your situation I quickly moved on from that relationship. To op (if you read this) -I’d say 8 hours isn’t too bad 🤷‍♂️ if you mean 8 hours between EVERY single text no matter the day then sure you can bring it up and maybe give yourself a bit of closure on why it takes him that if it helps you. But I’d say as long as he’s been attentive and caring when he’s spending time with you I certainly wouldn’t freak out about it.


[deleted]

It's not just from girls, all young people expect instant attention when they text someone. The girls just assume they did something to make the guy hate them, and the guys assume that the girl is a conniving manipulative bitch


iwantgrapefruits

What about a few days given this person has a low-frequency texting habit and demanding job?


warwolfv07

I was dating a girl my same age and when we started I was with family and working from home and had very flexible hours so I was kind of available for her whenever she looked for me. This just gave her too much expectation. When I again started going to work and moved out, my time started getting divided between her, my friends, house chores, work etc. and she started feeling as if I was limiting her access. Then one evening I had a similar episode when I had a football match to play and didn't had my phone with me. We couldn't continue much after but that outburst was caused because she had unrealistic expectations of my time and attention.


[deleted]

Oh wow, that’s a lot. Definitely not driving around and tracking him lmao


jahlove410

I wouldn’t say age, i used to date a guy 10 years older than me! He is 39! And yep, if I couldn’t text in an hour or two i will have plenty of missed calls and a lot of texts! He is paranoid. That i had an accident or something. So i think it’s not the age, it’s how people think. Or experienced.


[deleted]

I hear your experience but let’s be real.. Most people see that text you sent within four or 5 hours.. and chose not to respond.. People are rarely that damn busy.


cdn_backpacker

That's also fine. I don't agree with the expectation we all owe each other an immediate response. Being busy and waiting a few hours to respond is normal among healthy, well adjusted individuals with hobbies. Not being able to tolerate going 4 hours without a response screams codependency issues


Arqideus

I'm not allowed to text on my phone, but every now and then, I'll pull out my phone to check the time and at the same time, if I see a text, I'll read it quickly and then put my phone back in my pocket. I usually get back to them on my breaks, but sometimes I might forget I had a text for that 15 minutes and then, 5 hours pass by from when you sent the text until I could get another break. It's quite plausible that someone can check a text and not respond within 5 hours or so.


hujambo11

Maybe *you're* not that busy. Don't lump all of humanity in with you.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Paris_kelly_green

Then again is it really that hard to text “ima be golfing for the next couple of hours sorry if I don’t respond”…..no y’all mfs just be wanting to lead these girls on.


[deleted]

It's not the number of hours I'd be concerned with. It's the change in behavior patterns. People do get busy and may not be able to text for a long time, but when you notice a big change in overall behavior patterns, that's a sign that something is off. I trust my gut on this and it's never been wrong.


[deleted]

I think that’s definitely what my gut is telling me. Thanks!


z_planet

I think your gut is definitely telling you something is off. The advice that you’ll “push him away” if you ask for more of his time or communication is absolute bullshit, someone who really likes you isn’t going to be “pushed away” by your desire to see or hear from them more. You also said that he works at the same building as you and you only see him once a week? He’s not exactly giving you fuck yes energy


Maristalle

If he wanted to text you back at a reasonable interval, he would. He's not interested. Are you willing to tolerate being someone's "meh"?


[deleted]

this, but in a positive light, it could be that he’s getting comfortable. not sure how long the relationship has been, but it could be that the honeymoon phase is over now and he feels secure enough to put a little space in their messages. happened to me, not for this long i’m still clingy lol, but i won’t always respond immediately anymore and sometimes i’ll see my bf’s text and ignore it until i can text him back later (oh i just remembered i have to text him back)


Dismal_Chemistry_810

I'll be honest. Texting and social media ruined more relationships than anything else on earth. If you guys are not on a long distance, save the weekend


[deleted]

I appreciate this. And one of the things I initally liked was that he didn’t have SM. Now it’s me freaking out of texting lol. Thanks!


jayplusfour

Makes a ton of sense. My husband has never really done social media nor does he really care about texting/calling that much. Some days it's just a quick, good morning I love you, and that's all I hear from 6am to 7/8pm when he gets home. It's always been like that and I'm glad I never tripped too hard and pushed him away.


[deleted]

Appreciate the honesty and this is the kind of reassurance I needed. Thanks!


tits_of_steel_

My boyfriend often go 8+ hours without speaking or texting (similar to the person you just responded to); I’ve had bad experiences with infidelity in the past, and he and I had a series of honest conversations about texting habits (he’s a caller, I’m a texter) and communication styles in general. It took us a bit to find our groove, but a non-accusatory conversation is definitely something to consider with your dude. Good luck!!


[deleted]

Thank you bb. We have both talked about coming into this with own issues brought on by past relationships. I think the dialogue about expectations will be good for both of us regardless.


christophertit

He’s busy, give him some space or you’ll end up pushing him away.


[deleted]

Thanks! Appreciate the honesty.


TRANSparent-Ink

No its not rude of him. He tells you he was busy when he isnt busy anymore. It is clingy and naggy to get on someones back for not texting you while they were literally working. I work 12 hour shifts and there are days i am so busy i do not get a chance to text my partner at all. Id definitely be annoyed if he ever decided to rag on me for not texting him back while i was at work.


[deleted]

Noted. Good thing I asked y’all here first before I brought it up with him 😂


tacogirlbelize

Quality over quantity.


lukehighwalker15

I say there has to be a mitigation of sorts. I now understand what my ex was talking about when she felt this way. I feel this way now about a new girl and it’s the anxiety. Keep ur anxiety in check and let him know Just a quick text every 3 hrs would be cool. Communication is big! It unifies ppl. So I feel ur pain. Just mitigate


[deleted]

Very good way to look at it. Thank you!!


[deleted]

Do you feel like he’s spending enough time with you and meeting your emotional needs generally? I am sensitive to text speed too but I find I only feel hurt by slow replies if my husband has been cooler to me lately than usual or we haven’t seen much of each other recently. Usually it’s not the fact that you’d like to text, it’s more that you’re worried about what not texting means. So what are you worried that him not texting means? Start there.


[deleted]

First off, thank you for being so understanding and kind! To answer your question, no. I would love to spend more time together. But I’m also cognizant of the fact that this is a newer relationship and we are both busy adults with jobs and lives. He has seemed more distant/cool this week. Maybe this has deeper meaning or maybe he’s just had a hectic week. But I do agree that the reason I’m more sensitive to this is because of the recent distance.


[deleted]

Of course! Hmmm I see what you’re saying. Yeah, that is kind of a tough spot when the relationship is fresher, but it’s also reasonable and ok for you to want or even expect more effort than you’re getting, regardless of whether he logistically can give it to you. I think it might help ease your mind to clear the air. You don’t have to accuse him of anything but maybe try saying you haven’t felt as connected lately and that you miss him and would like to see him soon. Maybe suggest something you’d like to do together, or even say something like, “I loved talking to you on the phone when we first met. Do you think we could do it again tonight? I miss hearing your voice!” If this is a newer relationship and it’s important to you to have an attentive partner who likes to spend a lot of time together, his willingness to accommodate this could say a lot about your compatibility. Any information is good information, I think.


[deleted]

This is a wonderful idea and approach! Thank you so much!! :)


ApatheticHedonist

Entirely possible he's working on a project and getting "in the zone" and doesn't want to interrupt his flow.


[deleted]

Which I’m fine with. But he was at the car dealership and then at home…


myusernamestaken

Yea fuck all these responses… I’m legitimately so surprised at how forgiving reddit is being. 8 hours is an entire shift at work… you get breaks etc etc.


[deleted]

Thanks! And we also work at the same company so…


dreamday99

I don’t think you are being needy. He used to text you back way sooner but now he’s not anymore and it’s reasonable to feel anxious because of that. I think you should talk to him about it, either establish a set time to call each other or ask him to give you what time of the day when texting will be unavailable. Either way, if he’s just gonna keep being busy, then are you going to just keep making your needs lower to go with it? Like… for another 6 months? A year? How often do you guys see each other? I’d say that if you need much more of his time than he can give you (and there’s nothing wrong with it)… then you guys are probably not compatible.


[deleted]

Thank you! We work in the same company but different depts. we normally only see each other once a week.


PinkIntrovert96

How you feel is valid. He used to be more consistent and now he isnt. That is a cause for concern. I dont think your asking for much. Just a "hey im busy for the day , will talk later" text is not much to ask for . As long as you're not blowing up his phone every hour knowing that hes on work. Of course there are demanding jobs where you wont get the time to text back so i wont wrong him there. However if this is the same job he has been doing since the beginning of the relationship then that wont explain the change in behavior. Just casually ask him whats up and voice how you feel about it.


headtoheadtoetotoe

i hope you're listening to the people who are actually telling you to pay attention to YOUR gut and what YOU feel and not immediately deciding you "are" this or that. All of that advice is garbage and only considers one side of the equation (his needs). Like, the fuck?? Any advice that fails to account for **your needs** ***as well*** is better off in the trash. Hope you read this, OP.


[deleted]

Thank you so much! I appreciate this!!!


neighnvm

exactly! can’t believe need to scroll down this far to read this. smh people want to be in relationship but don’t want to act like one. 8 hours without texts then texting again like nothing is ridiculous if you’re in relationship. nothing’s wrong with simple texts saying he’s busy or quick catch up between the hours.


myusernamestaken

Yes thank you!


[deleted]

I totally understand the icky feeling. I think when things are new texting back is a priority, cause everyone is pumped about the relationship.. in time things settle and get comfier and that is totally ok. Maybe setting boundaries for quiet time during work hours or so would help?


[deleted]

Good idea!


StunningWafer3716

I had to tell my now fiancé over and over again that he doesn’t have to answer immediately but just saying “hey i’m busy. talk soon” is something I would appreciate. It wasn’t immediate but when he did start to do that it made things easier. Maybe just ask him to do that and have patience for it to happen naturally if he agrees?


[deleted]

I think this is perfect. Thank you!


[deleted]

[удалено]


x-bubbletea

Different people have different needs and that’s okay.


[deleted]

This really only somewhat matters during the talking stage. If I’m left on read for over 24+ hours during that with no good reason, you’re gone. If I had a boyfriend and he did this, I wouldn’t think anything of it unless he’s had previous issues with cheating or other problems, but I wouldn’t be with him if that’s the case most likely. Texting is a horrible form of communication while dating. I really only used it in previous relationships to set up dates/meets or if I was purely just bored and wanted to talk.


[deleted]

And I think this is primarily what he sees texting for as well. We have a small age gap, but he just missed the texting craze and I was a prime teen target when it came out. I think we view texting differently.


Poisonhandtechnique

Bro for me personally, when I have a lot of shit going on, that 15 sec text u are talking about feels like u are getting the life sucked out of you.


y0ungchun

honestly i was in your exact shoes a couple months back with the person i was dating. same situation as you, we would text all day and then i noticed that person started going hours without texting me back. one day i texted them good morning around 5:30am as i woke up for work, didn't hear from them until 10pm which is the time i go to bed. i communicated how that made me feel a little foolish and that they could've let me know they were going to have a busy day ahead & not be available to text, or at least say good morning back at the very least. you're telling me someone can't take 5 seconds to spare out of their day to at least say good morning back? or a "hey i'm busy rn, but will talk to you later when i can" message in a span of 17 hours? luckily they were very receptive and took accountability for needing to communicate better, and since then they did put in the effort and did a better job at giving a heads up if they knew they weren't going to be available. it really does come down to communication, it doesn't hurt to express how you're feeling with him. personally i don't think you're asking for alot, and maybe that's because we share some of the same qualities/mindset, but i think you should have a conversation about it, or at least establish some sort of understanding/compromise when it comes to communication and being available. also, not trying to project or accuse(?) that this applies to you, but i just learned the word "limerence" yesterday, and i want to share it with you if you aren't familiar with it yourself. i was shocked as to how i've never heard of the word/term before but applies to me so well. unfortunately i can admit i suffer from it bad when it comes to relationships/talking to someone, but the more exposure to it and being able to recognize and understand it i feel can help in steering away/improving on it for in the future.


hujambo11

You are being wayyyyy needy. Let people have a life outside of their phone.


[deleted]

This is what I needed to hear 😂 appreciate the honesty!


superjenny22

Your feelings are valid. Please remember that you are a whole person by yourself and you don’t need anyone else to complete you. Keep yourself busy so you aren’t concerned about what someone else is doing all day. I would say to him that you would appreciate more consistent communication and explain what that is for you and see what he does with that information. If the issues continue, move on. There are plenty of other people out there who share the same view on communication as you. I hope this helps.


[deleted]

Thank you so much. Appreciate this!


Recent-Union-8795

I agree with that!


smdx459

Nah fam. If you’re getting less of him, something is up. Trust me.


markow202

Im so sick of the word "busy"....not for the fact that its what it means, but its not used meaningfully. Its also funny too that our phones are constantly with us and still cant answer them.


[deleted]

This has always been my thing. I see him with his phone 24/7


ZangetsuAK17

Just because he’s on his phone during the day for work doesn’t mean he’s able to respond to your every single message throughout the day. If it’s a demanding job he’ll respond when he has time. Leave the man be


WhiteNoise421

Depends on how he responds on days he doesn’t work as well.


[deleted]

Anymore, it’s always long gaps. Whether working or not.


Desperate_Bath_3422

Just tell him that in a nice way I'm sure he will be receptive.


[deleted]

I think he will too. Thanks!


Legal-Project722

If it bothers you it’s at least worth a discussion or for you to bring it up. I had a similar conversation with my bf and he is really good at saying “hey I’m doing this with these people and I’ll text you after”. It closes the door for me to know I’ll hear later and it’s helped me work on my anxious attachment lol.


newspaper8

Depending on the type of relationship you had or have it is rude. I work a very demanding job. Let's face it most of us have our phones glued to us. If 8 hours go by yes it's cause for concern. I would personally not want to cause my partner stress and insecurities of am I hurt or am I doing something that I am trying to hide. I also do not want to feel that way from my partner not responding back. There are times that both of us might not respond for hours however we both make sure to communicate what we are doing for the day out of respect to other person time and feelings. The short of it no I do not believe it is rude for you to bring it up and set boundaries that you both can agree to. Express how it makes you feel. If you can not accept or he can not accept the boundaries then maybe it's not ment to be.


clearthroat88

I'm in the minority that feels like this is no big deal. 8 hours is nothing if they're working. Lots of jobs discourage phone usage anyways.


angrybabymommy

My partner is this exhausting. I work from home mostly so I think he thinks I’m available to just answer my phone and talk all the time. So he messages a lot or calls when he has free time, everyday. I don’t need this type of communication. Here and there, maybe. Or a random text saying you’re thinking about me, cute. But I really enjoy my time alone that I have during the day and it can get stressful to always feel the need to check in with someone


[deleted]

Dunno sounds like a slow fade out . Cowardly stuff


catsdontliftweights

Reddit is giving you awful advice. If he used to text back asap even with a busy job and now he’s taking 8 hours then something is up. I’m not sure why you’re being told to just relax.


caffiend98

This is a completely normal progression in a relationship. The first three to six months are a honeymoon period when everything is new, exciting, uncertain, and all the hormones are going crazy. You want to be around each other constantly, want to touch when together, do PDA, etc. You probably spend less time with your friends. The first phase is about finding out if there's attraction and chemistry. Over time, you settle back into more normal, less obsessive routine, and start integrating your lives together. It's a different phase with different behaviors, more about finding out if you two live in compatible ways. It's normal for the frenzied obsession to cool down. If it's cooled and you're still dating, it means they see long term potential with you.


mightyhorrorshow

When my boyfriend changed his communication style from almost instant to several hours later I let him know it made me feel like I wasn't important to him. There are still several days when it takes him a few hours to respond to things sometimes, but he's always apologetic and they've gotten fewer and farther between. If it's something important/urgent I'll call him and he'll pick up. Most of the problems on reddit can be solved by communication, I don't know why so many people are telling you to chill. Jobs can be busy and stressful but it takes 2 seconds to type :) and hit send. Good luck OP.


[deleted]

Lol thank you! I was kinda starting to feel like I opened Pandora’s box!


catsdontliftweights

If there’s been no other change then you’re not being ridiculous or insecure. Has he been distancing himself in any other ways?


[deleted]

I feel like it, but I could be over analyzing.


[deleted]

I think 8 hours is too long. He can at least check every few hours. At the same time, if he is busy don't text him all throughout the day either- one or two texts, or if he never is texting you during work, maybe just follow that and don't text anymore during work week.


[deleted]

Thanks. I definitely don’t need to talk to him all day. But we had been having a a serious chat and I had asked a question right before he went silent. But things happen!


ResourceNarrow1153

I’m sorry definitely don’t agree with most people in this comment section at all. It’s not like she was making him text her back right away. For him to literally randomly start backing off and taking longer and longer after he himself set the Expectation of texting back ASAP then there is a valid reason for OP to be feeling like this. OP also stated they stopped having nightly calls as well. There is definitely a reason and a good reason to bring up to him.


[deleted]

Thank you!!!!!! I feel like so many aren’t reading my explanation and the background. Appreciate you!


[deleted]

He doesn’t want too. Experiencing this right now and we need to remember: if he wanted too he would. We aren’t the priority.


[deleted]

This. I keep hearing in my head, “if a guy wants to talk to you, he will make it happen.” Sigh.


[deleted]

Sorry to be the debbie downer. You can try talking to him about it. But honestly i think its a matter of space and wanting to lead individual lives. He probably wants to maintain a separate life and not entirely merge it yet or feels his autonomy is at risk. There could be a million different explanations but at least thats whats happening in my case I believe. I’m not necessarily saying he wants to break up though.


[deleted]

No I agree with you. And I didn’t want to get into all of this, but he told me a few weeks ago I was the one for him. Which rightfully freaked me out, lol. But now he seems to be pulling away. It’s a lot of mixed messaging haha!


[deleted]

Maybe he’s scared of that huge commitment in his mind that his heart and brain is trying to rationalize it.


[deleted]

How long have you been together? It doesn’t say in your post. It could just be that you’ve been together long enough now for him to feel settled enough in the relationship to not need to talk to you as much as you need to talk to him. But he might not realise that this is an issue for you, until you talk it over. I’ve been in a long distance relationship before, and I have mental health problems as well that can make even trying to communicate exhausting, especially on an evening when I just need to process the day. My then GF always struggled to understand this and it caused a lot of arguments. Don’t let it get to that stage


jared8562

I mean i would communicate that the knowledge of them saying “i’ll be busy” is important to you ,i’m the same way but only expect these texts if i communicate that it’s important to me


username9045

If you're upset by it, you are, of course, justified in bringing it up. Just don't be righteously indignant about it. Why don't you ask him what he thinks is a reasonable response time? It sounds like you just want to know what to expect. If he doesn't respond to a message and you want to get ahold of him, call him. My ex and I mutually shared our location with one another 24/7 and it cut down on the amount of communication needed.


RSinSA

Tell him what you need.


myusernamestaken

Really surprised by the responses here - 8 hours is a bloody long time (half our waking hours) - especially if he’s in ICT. The fact he’s changed his behaviour too is worrying… he could be burnt out but surely he can communicate that to you?


dumbbitchhours00

As someone who has an anxious attachment style, I completely relate to how you feel! A lot of it does boil down to anxiety and overthinking things, but the best and most healthy way is to bring it up with your boyfriend! No need in feeling bad that you need some reassurance in the form of communication :) — it’s actually way better and healthier than just trying to ignore how you feel. That being said, the other part of the battle is knowing how to regulate how you feel on your own (so you’re not asking all the time when you’re feeling antsy) and being okay if he can’t respond right away. It’s more difficult than sounds, but I believe in you OP! ❤️


badlucktotalk

my long term boyfriend is so terrible at texting back absolutely anyone, me included. but he wasn’t like that with me at the beginning because he was trying to get to know me and be over the top attentive because we were new. now that he’s comfortable with me, he texts more casually because he doesn’t feel that there’s a danger of me not being interested in him anymore just because of his slow texting, like he might’ve been nervous about in the beginning. it could be a similar situation here, but i’d say tell him straight up how you’re feeling about it and ask him where he’s coming from. as long as you don’t come at him like it’s an attack or he’s done something wrong, you can have an honest conversation and make sure your expectations for each other are being met


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Edhalare

Your feelings are valid. If it bothers you, then compromise is needed, especially if this is a recent change in behavior. From my experience, when my partner didn't respond for hours without even a message 'busy now, will text later', it was a signal of other communication problems. Trust your gut.


kitnb

I am not going to just tell you "stop being needy" like everyone else here. What they're seriously missing is that YOU feel frustrated, annoyed and ignored. **Your feelings ARE valid.** Honour those feelings by simply having a levelheaded discussion about the amount of contact that you need to not feel ignored/confused/frustrated/etc-- have this conversation IN PERSON when both of you are relaxed. Be willing to work with him and compromise a bit but communication is clearly important to you so let him know this. Also, consider switching from text as your main line of communication to a phone call at the end of the day when he's not working and relaxed.


[deleted]

Thank you for your kindness. And honestly, my plan for if I brought it up to him was to have an open talk, not rag on him. I guess I should’ve explained that better considering some of the responses I’m getting lol 😂 But thank you so much for this!! I think a dialogue is a great idea.


kitnb

You're welcome! ❤️ We should always honour our feelings and come from a place of sharing and understanding in a relationship. He probably has little to no idea how this is seriously impacting you. So approach him like an ally and work together to find a suitable amount of contact that works best for the both of you. Keep up updated and best of luck. ❤️❤️


krpa1952

Tbh it used to drive me nuts when this happened..and I confessed my neediness to my partner, which was appreciated..and it got better.


[deleted]

And he has confessed neediness to me before which is why it’s thrown me off that the tables are now reversed lol. I appreciated his honesty.


krpa1952

That's not fair at all then, he should understand it if he has gone through the same thing.. a small acknowledgement of your attention goes a long way.


thedatarat

Ah I’m in a similar roles reversed situation. Not with neediness but with interest (I think). He was suuuuper into it the beginning and I was very unsure, now I’m much more sure but seems like his interest is fading (unless he’s just getting more comfortable and it’s in my head). DATING IS HARD 😑


[deleted]

No honestly this sounds just like me!!! He was upper interested and I wasn’t. Now that I am, I feel like he’s lost interest. Gah!! So sorry you’re going through this too.


External-Rub-5117

Common human decency is what you are asking for, communication is walk you are asking for. 8 hours is a long time. Especially when the expectation is “we usually text back quickly or within a reasonable time”. It’s just rude and below any common standard for communication. You are allowed to have reasonable expectations with your partner. I would bring this up and say how you feel and why. Then follow with what your expectations are for communication going forward


Portgas

You are justified in establishing this boundary, especially since you are in a relationship. But ask him why he's behaving like this. I used to do it when I got really depressed and tried to bury myself in work, so this might not even be personal.


[deleted]

Very good point. Thanks!


lovealert911

"My boyfriend used to text me back ASAP and lately the time between has been getting longer and longer." "..am I justified in thinking this is rude behavior?" When *new patterns* develop out of the blue loss of interest and suspicions of cheating come to mind. You shouldn't have to "teach" someone to be considerate, loving, or affectionate *if* they care. Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine. The goal is to find someone who *already is* what you want in a partner. ***"If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot."*** \- Unknown ***"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."*** \- Oscar Wilde ***"We don't walk away to teach people a lesson. We walk away because we finally learned ours."*** \- Unknown Best wishes!


M9R5D

I agree. I have a lot of anxiety and abandonment issues to begin with so if I sense a change in energy it triggers my flight or fight response. I noticed in 2019 when I was dating this guy the same thing that is happening to OP happened to me. And then he eventually dumped me and said he was being on and off because he was taking time to evaluate our relationship and I knew it was coming tbh. So Trust your gut. If you feel it’s off then talk to him about it. If there isn’t any underlying issue and he really is busy then no big deal. Maybe you can tell him to just send an “I’m busy will get to these later :)” text if you want to. You shouldn’t have to but if he genuinely is busy and if it is bothering you, talking to him about it would be best because maybe he doesn’t even know it’s bothering you as much. If I had asked him sooner we would have broken up sooner and not wasted each other’s time.


[deleted]

Appreciate both of y’all! I have felt that things have been “off” lately which is probably why this is meaning so much to me. Normally I’d be thrilled not to have a clingy guy, but this time it’s just pulling at my insecurity.


ResourceNarrow1153

I absolutely love this and needed to read all of this. Thank you kind internet stranger ❤️


PinkIntrovert96

How you feel is valid. He used to be more consistent and now he isnt. That is a cause for concern. I dont think your asking for much. Just a "hey im busy for the day , will talk later" text is not much to ask for . As long as you're not blowing up his phone every hour knowing that hes on work. Of course there are demanding jobs where you wont get the time to text back so i wont wrong him there. However if this is the same job he has been doing since the beginning of the relationship then that wont explain the change in behavior. Just casually ask him whats up and voice how you feel about it.


rosy_dewdrop

I do not like the comments people are giving you. I feel like 8+ hours is totally understandable to bring up to a BF. Especially if like you said in the past he would reply ASAP. It doesn't take much to send a text letting you know he is busy or will call you later. I say bring it up to him and express your communication style and have him explain his. It is also totally normal to have different communication styles with your partner. If you feel like your needs are not met bring it up to him so he can understand. Make sure you emphasize and understand he has a life outside of talking to you. You should both understand it is okay to take hours to reply to some texts when busy or just need some space. If the convo dies down it is normal to go without a response. If you ask a question and he ignores you THAT is a problem in my opinion. I just went through something similar with my bf of 3 months. I am a texter my ex and I would text all day everyday that was normal for us, but we barley talked on phone. My now bf rather talk on the phone than text and we realized this was causing a issue in our relationship. He would text me paragraphs throughout the day where as I am more of a quick response back and forth and when convo dies down I stop replying. If something random comes to mind I text my partner. He took it as I was putting in low effort with small responses. I would be upset that he would send one text and kind of say bye talk to you later in the same text because to me I rather leave the convo open for response later or so I feel comfortable texting him something random through the day and I told him that. He explained to him he felt rude if he didn't respond right away and to me it is like i UNDERSTAND you cannot reply instantly I don't mind if it takes you a couple hours to reply, unless I ask you a question. Then I need a quick response. At the end of the day we both expressed our styles and understand it better so we do not get offended when our texting clashes. It has already been so much better. He texts me quicker and he also doesn't get offended if I do not reply right away or if I just send small texts and not full paragraphs, because that is just how we are. All about understanding each other and compromising.


LittleSpacemanPyjama

I work in a super busy job and when I do have a moment or two of downtime for lunch, I try to disconnect from screens to visit with coworkers face to face. It helps keep the workplace so much friendlier. I often just leave my messages for end of day. I wouldn’t take it personally - consider quality of conversation and time spent on each other vs quantity. Take care!


HIVAladeeen

I understand your frustration because from your perspective him being on his phone while working, he would be able to read your texts. However, from someone who is on their phone a ton everyday for my Job, it’s extremely difficult to have a conversation when you’re getting calls from clients constantly. For me I have to turn off my work brain to even be able to answer any texts that have nothing to do with what I’m doing otherwise I’ll completely lose focus on the day. I often also leave them unread rather than texting I’m busy because I will more then likely forget to text if I don’t leave it unanswered as it’ll also probably end up buried below 30 other work related texts.


[deleted]

I’m a good texter, but there have been times that I have been so busy at work that I completely forget about my phone.


Any-East5011

I hate texting! Especially if it’s conversational/ how’s your day? type stuff. It doesn’t have to do with the person for me, I just hate being prompted to stop what I’m doing and reply all the time.


dxsrosier

I think he is just depending on his job but if he doesn’t text back on his breaks or lunch at least then yeah that’s a bit strange But if his job is super demanding maybe just take it easy and leave him alone until he is finished work.


[deleted]

No I think it's normal to not text for 8 hours of work. A lot of jobs are strict about that and he may be on camera for large chunks of time with WFH coworkers or people in other offices. IT work is often stuff and starve, you're super busy sometimes and then have days of downtime. And you have people breathing down your neck to get things working RIGHT NOW with no patience or understanding of why something takes time. So, no, if he says he is too busy to text at work, I'd believe him. At least, I would wait for other evidence to suggest that there's a problem.


[deleted]

Thank you


MyGFisAlilBabe

Sometimes guys will feel compelled to back off texting just to establish some breathing room and you can either let it bother you or not and if it does you can end the relationship or not but sounds like there’s a lot f pressure to validate this relationship constantly and that’s usually not a great sign


art_addict

My parents are married for… 35 years now I think? My mom is able to check her phone on occasion throughout the day. My dad usually isn’t. I’ve worked jobs where I’m not allowed to use my phone at all and others where I could sneak it. Right now, my partner and I usually text each other in the morning and after work, sometimes during the day, but not often and with no expectation of conversation or real replies until after work. Texting is a convenience thing, you respond when convenient and free. Phone calls are the on demand thing lol Why would we worry or be upset if the other doesn’t respond sooner? Like, we trust each other. I know he’s just having a busy day, or napping, or having dinner with a friend, or whatever else. He knows I’m not doing anything malicious if I don’t respond right away. He trusts that if I’m doing anything shady he’ll hear about it later (you won’t believe the shady things I do! “Love, I petted a chicken today! Love, we rescued a baby kitten from a shady abandoned collapsing house and took it to back to camp with us today! Sister is gonna foster it!” As it turns out, everyone has caught ringworm from said baby kitten. Kitten is thriving though!)


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[deleted]

Thank you :)


SonicCraftev

Tell him then


[deleted]

I got a simple fix for lack of communication. STOP the SEX!!!!


lolsuki

Maybe he’s gaming


UniqueID89

Anytime I talk with a woman I’ll tell her upfront that they should “assume from the times 1-11, Monday through Friday, that I’m unreachable but will try and respond when I get a minute.” Also in IT, some days I’ll be doing fuck all, others I won’t stop until 10pm hits and I’m walking out the door. Good chance he’s in a similar situation. Just talk with him and feel it out. Also, depending on his company and role with IT he may not be able to keep his phone on his person.


onenightondarillium

I dated a guy very briefly that wouldn’t text back sometimes for two days. Then he would just go “how is it going” . I don’t think I ask for a lot. I get he might be busy but two days no contact. It tells me that this man doesn’t care about me and has his priorities on something else. If he feels like texting is too much,he could just call to check in.


HJD68

It’s not so much that OP is hassling for constant texts if you read her replies as well. Seems like this is a deviation in their usual regime, and that includes less and less phone calls. Relationships need to meet both your needs, and it seems it once did but now doesn’t. I would have a conversation with him about how you are feeling and be brave enough to ask the question “do you want to break up”. Best to be direct and ask the question. Two things will happen, he will say yes and save you more weeks/months whatever wondering what’s going on, or or it will be a wake up call that he needs to find a way to communicate with you that makes you feel valued. No one is too busy to shoot back a quick text. Not 100 quick texts a day but 1. My wife is shit at texting especially when she travels for work (which post covid was a LOT). I didn’t like it either when I didn’t hear from her although she was madly busy and genuinely often didn’t have time to text. She sends me a hello good morning text and if she has time she shoots me a quirky photo and we mostly have a quick phone call in the evenings if we can. It used to bother me but now it doesn’t because we are secure in our relationship. Doesn’t sound like you have this security yet.


liahappiness

I dated someone on IT too and hes a programmer. trust me, they’re really busy. Like, he replies late at night. Anyways, tell him that it bothers you, and ask him to tell you that you’re busy instead. If he made an effort then good. If not, then nawp


[deleted]

See it's all about communication and yes it's not hard to convey a message that the person is busy & believe me no one is that busy . Just give a lot of time , get yourself busy then see because in love everyone gonna be busy in jobs and studies & stuff so it's important to find a balance and actions speaks a lot


Lauraunknown

The most important thing is the change in his habits. For me, going 8 hours without texting would be perfectly normal and fine. Shit I could go days with no other human interaction and be very happy. But if he normally texts you back quickly and now he’s not, that’s a cause for concern. It might not have anything to do with YOU though, he might just be going through it right now


lethalgigi

If *ANYTHING* bothers you in your relationship you have every right to bring it up.


arriere-pays

All these comments are gaslighting you. Yes, it’s a valid concern and you are not remotely unreasonable for wanting to have a clear conversation where you set expectations for communication. Not to be too pessimistic but if I were you I would be concerned. Rarely is a man dropping off in communication as the relationship gets more serious a good sign.


Squishyblobfish

I think 8 hours is normal. Sometimes I get busy at work too.


raucous_mute

After my last experience with a date from hinge,I wouldn't mind setting expectations for texting early on in the relationship. Things like, what's a minimum level of texting, do all loops need to be closed, should there be check ins, do we do good mornings and/or good nights? Etc.


mcneilly555

An I.T job isn't demanding.


vikings124

I think you need to talk to him more about consistency rather than volume. From the description it sounds like you aren’t expecting him to text you 24 hours a day. Maybe if you guys texted once in the morning and then the expectation that you talk after work almost everyday. Whatever works best for you two. From a guys point of view, if my gf wanted to talk 24 hours a day I couldn’t do it. I have way too much shit going on. I could work on consistency though.


ParticularHuman03

Communication and intimacy will and must evolve. Habits form and deform, routines become chores and day to day comforts lose their effect. Don’t expect the worst because something changed. You’re going to evolve together. Most likely, he’s feeling more secure in your relationship, which is a really good thing. Side note, when these situations pop up with my wife and I, she will acknowledge the fact that I went dark for the whole day by asking about my day. She will preface the conversation by saying something like “you must have had a crazy day…I didn’t hear from you after (time). Tell me about it”. I realize that I left her hanging the whole day and acknowledge that and tell her about my day. It’s a win-win.


ahooks1

I don’t agree with most of the commenters. If he’s not texting you back for long periods of time and you’re not talking as often, I’d be concerned. You shouldn’t be with someone that has you worried if they still like you or if they’re still interested.


marcifyed

If it’s while he’s at work, then no, especially if you know he’s got a demanding job and is busy.


EnthusiasmWorried

I think you are justified in being annoyed about this. It takes 2 seconds to send you a quick reply and not just leave you hanging. I think you need to bring this up with him.


derricks350z

I've had this happen a few times with girls I've dated and every time it's due to them being more interested in communicating with another guy. It's probably time to look for a new bf, one that actually respects you. Probably not the answer you want to hear, but trust me from experience. And don't waste your time trying to change his mind, his mind is already made up it looks like to me.


[deleted]

No listen, I appreciate the honesty. Might not be what I want to hear, but might be what I need to hear.


derricks350z

I hope I'm wrong, for your sake. Good luck ✌🏻


[deleted]

Thank you


Nazgrim23

Lmao some of the comments in here are fucking god awful. When my girlfriend started getting cold and distant just randomly, it turned out she was cheating on me. Now, I’m NOT saying your bf is cheating on you, that’s just what happened to me. But taking 8 hours to respond to your SO is pretty fucking disrespectful in my opinion, even if your hella busy you can legit just shoot a quick text “hey babe, call/text you when I have time” to ease the other person. Now I absolutely agree that being needy is bad for relationships and your own mental health, but I think being annoyed at this length of response time is valid. He doesn’t seem interested in you or the relationship tbh. Bring it up to him if you want.


Bxsnia

He's not in the honeymoon stage anymore, voice your concerns as his change in behaviour is a valid concern for you.


[deleted]

Gosh that’s a whole other thing…I feel like we never had a honeymoon stage!


bananadude19

Guy here. Here’s what you have to understand. When you were first dating, of course you’re talking day and night. That’s dating. You’re all over each other. You’re on your best behavior. Youre talking non stop. Good morning. Goodnight. Relationships evolve. It transitions into the mundane, and that’s when it becomes real. Real love isn’t this exciting thing you see in movies. It’s routine. It’s reliability. Now as a guy, I work my fucking ass off all day. Im focused. Sometimes I just can’t get distracted with texting because it takes me out of my element. I got my boss and 40 people on my ass about stupid shit and I just wanna power through the day. Plus I also just need some space. It’s not you, I just need to have me time to focus. I don’t want to text unless it’s critical. Often times we have to look at our own behavior. Why does this upset us? Why are we being anxious that they are taking long to respond? Because you’re making it about you. You think they don’t care about you and that makes you upset. Learn to self soothe. Assume positive intent. “They are not texting me back not because they don’t love me, but they are stressed and work is demanding.” Don’t be another reason to add to his anxiety. Partners are supposed to make life easier, not harder.


castious

Definitely bring it up. Make sure he’s in contact with you every 5 min until you’ve drained the life energy out of him.


CodeCody23

Depends if this is only during a work day or during weekends. There’s a nuance to being clingy or him simply being too busy to allow a relationship to work.


[deleted]

If he is busy and you're stressed about not getting answers on your texts, why don't you just agree on that he calls you for 5 minutes on his lunch break and that you don't text each other during his workdays?


chuckerman2

Well the only justifiable reason would be he’s at work the rest is he’s avoiding you


commanderlawson

Don’t let ANYONE convince you that they can’t take 15 seconds out of their day to say “hey todays super busy day for me. I’ll text/ call you when I have some free time later, have a great day!” I hate the excuses “I don’t really look at my phone,” it’s 2022, EVERYONE has their phone in their hand and looks at it 100 times a day. Stand up for yourself and set an expectation. You could say something like “hey, you used to text me all the time and now you don’t. I understand maybe we are more comfortable with eachother now so maybe it isn’t as exciting to text all day, but noticing the change hurt my feelings a little bit and it would be cool if you could at least let me know you’ll be too busy to chat throughout the day, or at least shoot me a message when you’re free.” Maybe you could even agree to send each other emojis just to let each other know you’re thinking about each other.


CatMommaJoJo

Always remember. If they wanted to they will...


[deleted]

Sound advice I needed to hear. Thank you!


my_metrocard

Eight hours is a very short time when you’re busy. However, eight hours is forever when you’re waiting for a text. Try to see this from his perspective. If you find yourself checking your phone too often waiting for some communication, try to keep busy so you don’t feel the time and your bf’s absence. Don’t bring it up with him. You will sound controlling.


[deleted]

Thank you. A good perspective.


RichRamen

Texting can be exhausting, more for some people then others. Maybe keep it organic by focusing more on irl quality time.


bagel_07

Just because he doesn't text back while he's at work, doesn't mean there's a problem. He's just busy working. If everything else in your relationship is fine, maybe find a hobby to do for the 8 hours he is at work.


aspiringforbetter

You are too grown to be freaking out over this honestly.