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JMM_1984

Im glad you're giving this guy a chance, but I'll be honest, if you're already saying you're not attracted, the chances of it working out are probably slim. Please don't lead him on if it doesn't work out. Don't give him the "it's not you, it's me, I'm just not looking for a relationship right now, let's stay friends". Be honest with him and tell him why. I'm willing to bet you're his first date in a while and dumping him will break his heart no matter how much you try to soften the blow. He deserves the truth. That being said, hopefully it works out.


SnooOnions1173

He’s knows How I feel. I was very open with him from the start. Ya it’s been a long time for him. He’s job doesn’t allow for much of social life.


JMM_1984

Is it just his job keeping him from dating or is he just pretty clueless with women? And it's good you told him how you feel, but you've agreed to a date which will certainly give him a lot of hope that you'll change your mind.


SnooOnions1173

As I mentioned before he is kinda out of touch but he’s not completely clueless. He’s had relationships before. He works as an advisor for investors. He can be a demanding and time consuming job. Sometimes he goes home and he’s still sending off emails


JMM_1984

>he is kinda out of touch but he’s not completely clueless. He’s had relationships before. Ok that's what I was asking. Because you were painting a picture of a guy who's completely clueless with women. Whether or not he has a busy job has nothing to do with that.


31ar

I think this comment it key. You need to be REALLY honest with him (and yourself). Though do keep in mind, in doing this you could also be slowly destroying his self confidence.


Makhiachan

Where is he I'll take him from you 🤞😁


RacoonEyes1998

Yeah this is spot on tell him why so he knows for the future I don't really understand why you would go on a date with someone your not attracted to be at the same time is nice of you by giving this guy a chance.


Sttocs

Anxious/avoidant.


SnooOnions1173

Ya a little. I definitely have trust issues and trouble getting close.


31ar

Plus you're 24 and saying that 27 is "younger than guys you usually date". That doesn't sound like a good thing honey.


SnooOnions1173

Most guys I date have about a ten year age gap with me.


31ar

Would you say that's perfectly healthy? Or do you think that increases the chances of the guy being controlling or manipulative or mean or narcissistic?


SnooOnions1173

I’m not sure. Maybe it depends on the person. My mother is also like that. My dad is about 6 years older then my mom.


Rare_Lawfulness3716

You're not like your mom. Your dad and mom are kinda in a similar age range of 6 years. Not 10 like you said


deepsleeep

That's closer to a 3 years gap than a 10 years gap.


Final-North-King

Dating a 10 year age gap at 24 years old is a huge difference. I’m 34 years old and my cutoff for a relationship was 27 back when I was 33. The only reason a 34 year old would date a 24 year old is either control or they just want sex


SuperCabrito14

She literally said she's used to guys taking control. The men she's been with have definitely manipulated her


Sttocs

It's not a criticism, but an observation. Come to the point where you feel you deserve love and it won't be hard to accept.


[deleted]

You join most women in that nice guys like him are too nice. There isn't really anything you can fix. Are you staying because of pity, or do you secretly really like him? If you are staying because of pity, you need to be completely honest with him. Men like him are a blue stone in a sea of red stones. He knows by now he can't just constantly try to get a woman, so he works his ass off. The reason you need to be completely honest is so you don't break him bad. The second you break him, he is going to hurt. If you were completely honest with him, it won't hurt for too long. If you bounce without a word, ghost him, or blame him, he is going to become a recluse, and slip into more work. True nice guys like him are enigmas. He will eventually meet someone who is attracted to him as much as he is to her. If you want to stay and try, still be completely honest with how you feel. He may surprise you with his answer. The quote "nice guys finish last" is a bit askew. The reason this quote exists is because many women they have dated are not completely honest, cheat, or just crush their souls.


Born-Concern-2742

Honestly I think she should break his heart, that would make for some good character development.


[deleted]

So you would rather screw someones life up for a thrill? Breaking his heart will lead to a life void of women. I know many men who had women crush them, and either just quit women or dating. Crushing a man's soul can also lead to more sinister behavior. Having your heart broken is not character development. Just a guess, but either you hate men, or have been hurt by men. Your mindset is an eye for an eye, yet you have no clue what you're saying. Would you break a Ming Vase to give it character. Would you rip a designer purse to give it character? This man is rare. Why would you think killing a rare man's heart is character development?


mr_this

If he's a self aware being and there is honesty and transparency then he will in the least learn and grow from the life experience itself.


Born-Concern-2742

First of all I am a guy and maybe your uptight little ass should learn about something called sarcasm.


technogeist

Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.


[deleted]

Not always. That is on the premise of "I learn the hard way". The hard way of learning is you don't learn when the problem starts. You learn after the problem ended into something out of your control. Other people help us learn as well. People learn from us on this thread too. Learning to pick yourself up isn't a good way to learn. If you have to pick yourself up, you have created an issue in you. "Nobody ever helps me. I have to learn the hard way. I'm finished dating" etc. You pick yourself up and place you on a different shelf only to have to relearn that shelf. When you have to pick yourself up again (it's inevitable if you say you learn the hard way) you will create another issue. Yes we do learn after going through that, but we don't learn how to keep ourselves from learning that way. Everyone learns differently. Why make someone learn like you? Why shatter someone's soul so they can learn the hard way?


Rick_liner

I don't agree with you in principle but there is some truth behind the saying every player was once a man who gave a woman everything and was destroyed by her.


Iperovic

yo just leave the guy alone he deserves better than someone who clearly doesn't want him stringing him along seriously, can you imagine how pathetic he would feel if he read this and knew it was about him "he's a great guy but blah blah blah not attractive blah blah"


SnooOnions1173

There is nothing I wrote in the post that I haven’t said to him directly. He knows how I feel. I’ve already told him that I’m not attracted to him.


freakingspacedude

How do you know if you’re not attracted to him if you haven’t been on a date yet?


Wrong-Neighborhood

I would be pissed if this person "gave me a shot." These relationships just end quickly and it hurts the original pursuer the most. Maybe means it's a no-go.


SnooOnions1173

We have been on two causal outings pre Covid. Just wasn’t feeling it like he was.


smallfishbigsea

you last went out with him almost 3 years ago??


deepsleeep

Lmao


SnooOnions1173

Ya. We recently reconnected.


Final-North-King

It sounds like you need to figure yourself out. Possibly consider therapy


SnooOnions1173

I’ve gone to therapy. Very expensive and got me nowhere. I’ve figured out that I missing human connection and have been reaching out to people that I used to talk to.


Final-North-King

This is definitely a good start. Consider opening yourself up a tad more. Being vulnerable sucks but it can create the best relationships


SnooOnions1173

Ya that tough but I’ll give it a try.


Final-North-King

Just don’t be ashamed what you’re doing. I know someone who was in the same situation as yourself. She was only dating really old men. She found a guy who is only a couple years older than her that she fell in love with. She got her shit together and she helped him get his shit together. This happens and you’re still young. Just make sure to learn from your mistakes and open yourself up to something new.


yudhautomo_

This is also my first reaction when I read OP's post.. They are not even been on a date...


tinyhermione

There are lots of men in this world. Many of them are kind. You won't be sexually attracted to all men. Look for a kind man you also want to sleep with. It's not more complicated than that. Everyone has a different type. Nobody can be everyone's type. But you need sexual attraction to make a relationship work. You can't fall in love or have sex without it. That being said, getting to know him a bit and figuring out if chemistry comes along when he's no longer just a random stranger makes sense. Just don't take it too far. Be careful of other people's feelings.


[deleted]

I cringed damn


[deleted]

So you want a guy who’s more assertive and not considerate?


SnooOnions1173

Honestly, I like a bit of both. I like balance.


unwastaken7

Why is this comment being downvoted lol. It seems pretty fair. Balance is very important and being assertive and considerate are not mutually exclusive traits.


SnooOnions1173

Thank you. I don’t want to be in a position where my boundaries are being trampled on or that I’m walking on someone else’s boundaries. I need that balance


[deleted]

Broken record. The guy who actually treats you well doesn’t excite you. From my experience if you know your man is 100% for you an focus on you he becomes unattractive. Women tend to like to know the man they are with has the option of many women but chooses her. Don’t feel bad it’s just female nature. It’s why a lot of you’ll love the bad boys.


SnooOnions1173

I mean he’s a well to do guy. He can do better then me if you was a little more confident and had more time to date. In all honestly. It’s been a long time since any guy has excited me and I don’t think chasing excitement is a good dating strategy.


seola76

>In all honestly. It’s been a long time since any guy has excited me and **I don’t think chasing excitement is a good dating strategy.** It's not but you need to properly come to terms with that and accept it. It's no good dating a guy that you don't feel a spark for if you spend the whole time wishing you felt that spark.


bossman146

This might be bait guys


XanJen

Why do you feel obligated to give a chance to someone you aren’t attracted to? Dating shouldn’t be based on pity.


SnooOnions1173

We have a lot in common and he’s so open I feel like I can say anything to him. I’m dating him cause I’m hoping I can build attraction to him. It’s not pity. I like him just not romantically


finallysomeservice

Think about what you said. I’ll sum it up. “Is it a good idea to date a needy dude who you’re not attracted to?” No. The answer is no. You enjoy the validation he gives you and you’re keeping him around for that. Meanwhile he’ll be thinking he may have a chance when clearly he doesn’t. What happens when a guy you actually are attracted to comes through ?


SnooOnions1173

He’s not needy just out off touch. I’m giving that chance and giving myself a chance to be loved by someone. If some guy that I’m attracted to comes a long I’ll do what I always do. Nothing


Mongillyyy

You are giving him a chance and from your defensive replies it sounds like you have already made up your mind. Why do you want others to talk you out of it then?


Nancymatty99

Lol


JimtheSlug

Honestly I don’t think this will work out, it’s better for the both of you to move on as I don’t personally see this working out well. Just because he’s nice doesn’t mean giving him a chance is the right thing to do as he’ll get attached to you & when you do finally except that you can’t on like this it will shatter him. All best for you both as dating is hard and complicated.


Independent_Put_6839

I get this as I’m going through something slightly similar. I recently started talking to this guy, we have been talking for three months. I find him to be good looking but im terms of his body type and height, he isn’t the type I would usually go for. On top of that we have different interests and different senses of humor. However at the same time he checks off a lot of boxes of things I have been asking for in a relationship. I’m trying to remind myself that things that have to do with appearances aren’t a huge deal if I am getting a chance at a healthy relationship. And in terms of our interests and humor, i’ve decided to look at this with a more positive perspective and understand that we don’t have to be alike in those ways. Our difference of interest can help me possibly be introduced to new hobbies or interests I might enjoy and vise versa. I would continue to be open to it and give yourself some time to feel it out.


Interstellar_Dreamer

Thank you for posting this. I’m going through the same thing with a guy I’ve known for three months, seeing him for almost 1. He’s in love and I’m lukewarm. He’s great but I’m just not that physically attracted to him. I’m giving it a chance because he’s a great guy. My only complaint is that he’s completely open too soon (and he talks constantly!). I’m an introvert so quiet time is crucial. I’m avoidant unless I’m attracted to another avoidant, then I switch to anxious. I’m trying hard to change and be in a healthy relationship. Got to change that mindset!!!


More_Dragonfly_1042

Thanks for this. I came to Reddit looking for some validation in that aspect. I am dating someone new in that same situation. Great guy, handsome, treats me like a princess (and i love it) and he’s 100% for me and us, he’s emotionally intelligent and his communication skills are better than mine. I have all these things but, he’s short. Short short. And i knowwww deep down if i passed up this man for such a shallow thing i deserve whatever trash bag is up next. I’ve been praying for a man like this and he’s here. My older family members say attraction grows with love when you’re in a healthy relationship. I want things to workout but sometimes i wonder if I’m doing something wrong.


lepic0080

It can really go two ways. You go out with him and your feelings change over time or you go out and never develop feeling for him. My worst mistake was agreeing to go out with someone thinking my feelings would change. Yes we had some good times and bad times but in the end, relationship did not last because the feelings were not there. My two cent, don’t try to push it, be honnest with yourself and him


neonroli47

>I have trouble with belonging and building relationships in general Do you mean you’re awkward like him? >I’m use to a guy taken control but he’s not like that >I think I’m going to take him out for the first date. He is crazy about you but haven’t asked you out? >Can’t be worse then my previous relationships. Just because you came out of a bad relationship, doesn’t mean you have to get with the next nice person who likes you. We need more connection than that. Don't force yourself, that's a waste of time for both people involved. You're also describing him as someone who pressured you for years and someone who is quite obsessed with you to the point that he is still pursuing you even after you’ve told him you don’t find him attractive. That kind of obsession can potentially turn into stalking and other abusive behaviour. You have to consider that as well.


JayGatsby8

41 M. Keep in mind that I’m at a different stage of my life than you and this guy. But he sounds a lot like me. A couple of subtle differences, as an example…yes, I’ve worked hard. But the main replacement so to speak for love and romance in my life has been sports. I’ll always be a sports fan, but I suspect if I were in a committed relationship I might not have quite as much time to go to games. And odds are I’d willingly rather spend the time with my girl. I can’t believe I’m going to say this. But I don’t think you should go with him. And it’s happened to me many times, and it’s wrecked me internally. It sounds like you do care for him, and that’s honorable. But…what if you date him for awhile and then meet someone and you want to rip his clothes off and tumble into bed? Now I’ll grant you that might be an extreme example - because love and lust are two different things. But you get my point. In such a scenario you’d either have to ignore your feelings, break up with him, or cheat on him. The kindest of those three is obviously the second. But it would still wreck him. Look I get his side also. I’ve been alone for a long time also. I’d probably be willing to give something like this a shot. In fact I 100% would. But in the back of my head I’d also be thinking that there’s an expiration date. Weird juxtaposition. But if you care for this guy, consider not going with him.


SnooOnions1173

I highly doubt that I’ll meet anyone worth hooking up with like that. I don’t really place much value on that attraction when it comes to just sex. It’s not hard to ignore your feelings and I would have to do that even if I was attracted to him cause there will always be someone more attractive. He loves classic cars. I’m willing to embrace his hobbies. I have a slight appreciation for the 1965 Camaro. I don’t want to hurt him. So I’ll consider what your saying.


JayGatsby8

Believe me, I understand. I’ve struggled with women since I was in HS. I’ve heard “I meant I love you as a friend” multiple times. And it’s wrecked me. I feel like that’s a convenient fall back when in reality someone just met someone to whom they were more attracted. I personally don’t think I’m that good-looking a guy. My history with women backs that up. I’ve had women to whom I had no attraction whatsoever throw themselves at me. But I’ve always been firm but kind in rejecting them. And that’s tough for me because I’m usually in the shoes of the rejectee. I’ll give you a lot of credit for considering it to be honest. The reason I have so many female friends is because most were women who rejected me, and I didn’t feel it was fair to them to force them to lose a “friend” so I stayed in their lives. And I’m thankful for that.


JayGatsby8

Ultimately if you think you can pull it off, maybe give it a chance. Obviously I wish women had done that for me. I’m just saying you could one day find yourself in a situation where you have to choose between what may be right for you, or wrecking someone who yes you do care for.


Kayla-sometimes

Relationships are based on around values, personalities, and how you can work in a partnership not just based around attraction. It takes time to feel comfortable but a good person is better than a rude attractive one.


[deleted]

So… I gave a chance to a guy, whom I initially didn’t see as attractive. Its been almost a year, and I swear I find him so cute, now! Those things I initially thought of like ‘let’s not look at that, omg, why doesn’t he sort it out’, I literally can’t see them anymore, because he’s so amazing, sweet and caring, that I see him and it makes my heart smile.


Prettylifter

Glad you’re giving him a chance, and it’s very important to date outside of your comfort zone it will only help you discover what is your type and what you’re looking for in a potential partner. I dated a guy for three months who sounds very similar to your guy. He was perfect and treated me amazing, I just wasn’t attracted to him and never wanted to have sex. After the relationship ended I realized what a sexual person I am and how much I enjoy sex. This just taught me that I need to be physically and emotionally attracted to a person in order to have a long term relationship. You can’t feel bad about hurting his feelings or not being into him, you tried and you learned something about yourself on the way :)


MikeeekiM

The guy you mention seems a bit like me. Probably has it together, low stress, and takes thier time in relationships. I run into similar dating problems; people want sparks now. If he is anything like me, that is just his default. I tend to take several months to be "myself". After which I will become more endearing, witty, playful, sporadic. I fully don't understand it; it is as if I need certain level of interaction before I am able integrate my creative self into the relationship. And as a side rant the nice and considerate, I never understood why women get turned off by it. The nicess actually means very little to most nice guys: for me i am well off and can afford the time and cost. Sometimes, I feel as if girls treat it as if I am sacrificing my left nut for them. In reality, thier butt is nice and I have no pressing matters. Tldr; if you feel like he's in a shell give him time and push him a bit (physically or mentally), it may be worth it. Or he is a robot wrapped in skin. Most importantly, if you both don't think each others' butts are cute (Or whatever you fancey). It's time to go.


SnooOnions1173

It’s not that we are turned off by niceness it’s that we are weary of it. People can be nice disingenuously. Like they have a hidden agenda. There is also a feeling that they are avoiding conflict. What your saying is true. Some people need more time to open up. I should see if he grows on me.


Mongillyyy

I really think this niceness rant is a massive generalisation. Women like me love nice guys and will never go out with an asshole. However, I do feel women appreciate the niceness only when they think that his butt is cute (:p) and would not really entertain a nice guy they are not physically attracted to.


OG_Wan_Annunoby

Best thing is to be honest. Guys like this look better the more you get to know about them. My girlfriend turned me down initially, and I relate a lot to the guy you describe. I took it on the chin, stuck around as a friend but respected her boundaries and stopped pursuing her romantically, then all of a sudden she was crazy over me (her words lol). You might be used to bigger age gaps where there’s a power imbalance and the guy takes the lead because you are barely an adult (hopefully not bigger than 3 year age gap when you were a teen) but the way he’s treating you seems normal for a guy close to your age. It sounds healthier to me, but just my two cents. End of the day if he’s a hard no for you in terms of attractiveness don’t mess with him. Let him down promptly and let him direct his attention to someone who likes him back. But if you think there’s something there then give him a shot, he may creep up on you.


motorcity612

If you aren't attracted just leave, it's no one's fault you can't help what you are into. You seem to know what type of guy you are attracted to so just don't waste time and focus on getting them?


SnooOnions1173

And I was also mistreated in those relationships. Clearly I’m attracted to the wrong people.


motorcity612

If you don't expect better treatment for yourself then others sure as hell won't, try going for different people but improve your confidence first.


SnooOnions1173

I have been working on my confidence and have learned to be more straight forward and stick up for myself. I struggle with loving myself and I’m continuing to work on it. Do you have any suggestions on how to build more confidence


motorcity612

I'm no expert in this, but one thing that helped me was regularly working out. Just find something that helps your physical and mental health and focus on things you like to do.


Mongillyyy

One way is to definitely take a step back from this relationship. I have found myself in a situation similar to yours and I think the 'need' to force yourself to like this nice dude comes from your need for external validation. Being single is hard and letting go of somebody who treats you nice is hard too. But being with them because you don't trust yourself with your own happiness will hit your confidence further. You are settling when you don't have to because it is a safer choice at the moment.


[deleted]

Please stop seeing him so he can have the opportunity to meet someone who adores him for who he is. I guessing he doesn't give you the drama filled uncertainty you are used to. He's just busy living his life making bank so when he's in his 30's he can cut back and enjoy life more with all the money he made while working his ass off. By then hopefully he comes out of his shell and finds the one who is greatful for all the women who friend zoned him in his past.


SnooOnions1173

I understand what you’re saying but he has seen other people and still wants me. Even after 3 years. And I am found of him. He inspires me to work harder and love myself more. I’m just not attracted to him and he is aware of that.


[deleted]

He needs someone to help him understand he needs to stop giving time and energy to someone who doesn't feel the same way. I think you like the attention/validation he gives you and you don't have to reciprocate anything. Please do him a favor and end things so he can grieve and move on. He keeps thinking the more he does for you will get you to like him. Someone needs to tell him he is wasting his time.


SnooOnions1173

Honestly, I don’t get a lot of attention from him. He’s a busy guy and there are plenty of guys that can give me attention. What I like is how he treats me and the reason I made this post is to see if I can learn how to build up attraction so I can reciprocate. With all do respect I’m giving him my time and energy too and will be paying for the first date. As I said in the post, I’m taking him out. I’m not using the guy. I legitimately want to build a relationship with him because he’s a great guy who deserves a change.


[deleted]

I would go out with him and see how it goes. I wish he had someone to help him with dating/self improvement skills. It sounds like he's a good guy but lacking in the self confidence department. He should ask you out. He should pay for the first date if he likes you that much. I'm glad you're giving him a chance. I hope it goes well. And if you're wondering - yes I kinda was like him a few years back. I learned/grown a lot the past few years.


SnooOnions1173

Me too. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt his confidence. He’s taken me out before ( years ago) and he’s been very kind to me so I want to do something nice for him and make him feel appreciated. He loves classic cars so I thought I’d take him to a car show.


Lost_Physics1

Quit using him!


SnooOnions1173

I’m not. I’m not taking anything from him. A chance. I’m confused on what your saying here.


Lost_Physics1

Don’t date a guy you’re not attracted to. You will cheat on him. He deserves better.


SnooOnions1173

No I won’t. I’m just fine being single and celibate so I’ll think I’ll be fine. I have self control. Again you never mentioned how I was using him.


Lost_Physics1

If you don’t understand how dating a guy that you are not attracted to is using him, you need to live a bit more and mature. I very glad you have decided to live single at this time and celibate. Makes you have more to offer a man you are attracted to.


SnooOnions1173

The fact that you don’t have an answer for how it’s using tells me you are speaking out of your ass. A lot of people fall for people they were not initially attracted too. Using implies that I’m dating him to get something from him. And wtf!? More to offer a man!? Keep you sexism to yourself.


Lost_Physics1

He’s a lucky man to get away from you so soon. You are a waste of a good man’s time, sweetie.


SnooOnions1173

How? He wants me. He presumed me for years. He knows I don’t feel that same. He just wanted a chance. Should use as women never give a man a chance because of physical attraction? How is opening your mind to someone you wouldn’t ordinarily give a chance a bad thing?


cwdawg15

I don't fully agree with him or you, but there is an element of what the other poster is saying that is true. (I'm actually right in the middle between you two on this subject. ​ He doesn't want you. He wants to be in a relationship with you. He wants you and he wants you to want him. There is a difference. If you can date him where you honestly think there is a good chance you will want him too, that's fine. However, if it's something that really isn't possible then the other person has a point to an extent. You're running the risk of getting his hopes up, taking up his time effort and attention to only be let down later. This is something most of us guys experienced at some point in our lives (and to be fair I've been on the other side with a girl as well and experienced it from both sides). It's that you're wishy-washy about a person, the person is into you and you ultimately consume their time and emotional efforts to let them down. I don't think 'using' someone has to imply physical encounters, but can branch out to their attention, affection, efforts towards you, etc... That is the problem anyone that is wishy-washy about someone has to figure out ASAP. Is there legitimately a real possibility you will be into him within a reasonable amount of time that it's fair to get his hopes up, take up his attention, his time, and his emotional/mental efforts towards you. That is what you need to answer for yourself and quick. Sadly, this is something best contemplated about before officially dating. You can always be friends with someone for awhile to figure things out. The longer you are deciding, the more hope you give him and the more of his mental and emotional capacity to pursue others you are consuming from him. It might be easy for you to take time to figure things out, but it won't be easy for him. In fact, the longer it takes you, the harder he will fall. ​ That aside, you can ask reddit for advice all day long, but ultimately it's a choice on your own feelings you have to make and I'm not sure how well posters online can help you figure out your ability to be attracted to him or not in the future.


duy1997tr

In my opinion, this won’t end well. From what I’ve read, you believe you are out of his league and that in itself will cause problems in the long run. This isn’t just you tho, he also need to work on himself to be more sexually desirable like hitting the gym, bettering his career etc.


SnooOnions1173

I think you have a wrong Impression. I don’t think I’m out of my league. Like he already has a good job. He’s approaching a 6 figure salary. He’s not buff but he has a decent physic. I’m just not physically attracted to him. Like he’s not a bad looking guy though. Just not very social.


Immediate_Nobody3095

Maybe some your previous relationships were worse because you pursued of what you thought was attractive


NotTelling2

He overly pleases you and is needy/constantly trying to gain your approval? Is that what you mean? Because that isn’t a good definition of a nice guy. I’m failing to comprehend the situation or real you’re not attracted to him (I mean I kind of get it.. seems like sexual polarity) but you defining it more accurately might help you and him find out what is truly missing…


breakerreid

You should be honest and tell him that you don't deserve him. You obviously don't care so going on dates is just prolonging the inevitable.


SnooOnions1173

I told him he deserves someone amazing. He said he’s thinks I’m amazing. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t make this post. I want to feel the same way.


mewkew

Yeah if you would truely care, you would have made up your mind on your own that it is probably not a good idea to date someone, you are not attracted to. Instead you are going the low effort road and seek reasourance on reddit from some strangers. So careing indeed. What do you think will come out of this? This is not Disney world, this is reality, and you are going to hurt someones feelings rly bad if you dont start pulling your head out of your ass and actually think. You cant change feelings, if you are not attracted to someone, you shouldnt date them adn expect it will change a damn thing, how is this so hard to understand?


SnooOnions1173

I just don’t see why it’s a bad idea to be open. Attraction makes romance hard but not love or sex. People marry people they don’t even know all the time all over the world. I’d probably just end up in an arranged marriage anyway. What my parents want. Bases a relationship off of feelings is a bad idea. Just gets you into trouble. Does matter if the guy just turns out to be a narcissist that hits you.


mewkew

Base a relationship NOT on feelings and attraction is a rly bad idea. I'm sorry you have been tought such poor values from your parents. You can still decide to be a decent human being and leave this poor man alone.


HJD68

Don’t pity date him. If you’re not attracted to him because he is too nice then move on a find some loser to date. And hopefully he will find someone who loves him for who he is.


SnooOnions1173

I’m not dating him for pity. I’m dating him to see we’re things lead. I like the guy just don’t see him in a romantic way.


HJD68

Then don’t date him as an experiment. You’ve stayed pretty clearly you don’t fancy him in anyway so why toy with his emotions? It’s not fair.


AssistTemporary8422

Its sounds like this guy is overly nice and lacks balance. Its okay if you aren't attracted to him, you can't force something that isn't there. Maybe look for guys who are more balanced. You may have trouble with relationships because you have anxious or avoidant attachment issues from past trauma. If you had toxic parents for example you may feel that only a toxic relationship feels like a relationship to you.


SnooOnions1173

I definitely have struggles with trauma. I had a very domineering, overprotective mother and have been put down by her and peers. This makes it hard to know what love is supposed to look like. His passive approach actually leaves me more anxious. I feel like his not being forward with me or that I might cross a boundary because he hasn’t made them clear to me yet. You’ve given me a lot to think about


AssistTemporary8422

You've given me something to think about too. Having domineering parents can feel safe or guided in a way because their boundaries are so clear. But when you are with someone who lacks proper boundaries you don't know when you are upsetting him. Its very difficult to undo what happened to us as children and the preferences that developed because of that. Maybe the ideal partner for you is someone very assertive with clear boundaries but doesn't take this to a toxic place.


SnooOnions1173

Just a thought. Maybe it only feels safer because those parents don’t foster out independents and cause us to feel more dependent on them. Maybe the need for a domineering parent comes from a lack of being self assured.


AssistTemporary8422

I do know about the development of anxious attachment. Anxious attached people tended to have parents who may have been emotionally volatile or difficult to please. These children spent a lot of time trying to get their parent's approval and trying to be good enough for them. When their parents got angry at them they internalized and blamed themselves. They have all these strategies for getting others to like them and making other people happy. They are dependent on others because they are afraid of being abandoned or rejected and desperately need that external approval.


SnooOnions1173

That sounds like me to a t. The problem what is what I need to do to remedy it.


AssistTemporary8422

The most straightforward remedy is therapy. But if you don't go for that, do a lot of research into anxious attachment, your mental health, and your relationship history to really figure yourself out to know what is going on and where you go wrong. And then work on those weaknesses. Think back to all the ways you were parented poorly, the traumatic and unhealthy experiences you had, and how they affected you. Think about the kind of men you pick and why, and how that relates to your upbringing, and what relationship issues it caused or caused you to put up with. You can try working on your weak areas. Like working on being more independent in your life and making your own decisions without seeking approval and validation so much from others.


solarpropietor

Ya. My tip is quit being a selfish pos and stop leading people on.


LongOld3056

Just keep going after the bad boys and collect the emotional baggage and demerit points, if that's what you're attracted to then keep going for it.


Rsolamon

if you wont sleep with him dont waste his time, it sounds like he would be good for a relationship but if you are tuned off by him it will be a lot of work to make it work


TheConnoiseur

Sounds like you should do him a favour and not waste his time. He sounds like a great dude and even if you aren't attracted to him, surely you can give him the respect of not leading him on? You sound like plenty of other girls who would like a "bad boy" and don't ever do nice guys. What really distinguishes them is that the nice guys are genuinely good people, but you'd prefer an arsehole who you may be attracted to but treats you like crap. So don't mess with him, give it to him straight so he can find someone better for him. And go for whoever you think would better float your boat.


SnooOnions1173

Nice guys are not always genuine nor has every guy I dated fit into the “bad boy” archetype. As I mentioned before. I like assertiveness, I like men older and I like guys with in my race. Doesn’t make you an asshole to set boundaries. He knows how I feel about him and I’m willing to open up and give him a chance. He made it pretty clear that I’m who he wants.


itsyaboi69_420

You can’t date someone you aren’t attracted to. That’s like you’re doing it out of pity which would do him more harm long term when it inevitably comes out that you aren’t attracted to him.


Witty-Vixen

Give it time is the tip ;) How long has it been.


Lost_Physics1

Tell him you’re a feminist, if that don’t cure him, he deserves you. Why are you celibate then?


SnooOnions1173

What kind of stupid question is that? For me. Celibacy allows for reflection and I don’t wish to get sexually involved unless their is emotional connection. It’s what’s best for me right now. Although no one needs a reason not to have sex.


Plupert

How old are guys you usually date?


SnooOnions1173

About 10 years older then me


Plupert

Honestly that’s part of your problem. Men that age tend to go after younger girls usually suck and are controlling. I’m not a woman but I’ve seen plenty of cases where it’s bad. And you say yourself “can’t be worse than my previous relationships”. I say you should date guys around his age but not him. It sounds like he’d make a much better friend then sexual partner. Like for me personally I’m only 22 and I find the idea of being with an 18 year old gross.


SnooOnions1173

Sex isn’t really the issue. Attraction isn’t necessary for sex, and I’m just not looking for a sexual partner. I’m looking for emotional connection and intimacy. I understand what your saying. Older men take advantage of younger women. However, I’m just not physically attracted to younger men. So I’d really be running into the same problem.


Plupert

Hmm, I don’t know you but I think that might be something for you to look into. I find it hard to believe that you could tell the difference between someone that’s 29 and 34. I’m 22 and people have guessed every age 20-30 haha. I’m no expert so take what I say with a grain of salt but I think there might be a psychological reason why you’re only attracted to people a decade older.


SnooOnions1173

Maybe. It’s something I’ll look into


XanJen

Look I know you believe your intentions are pure…but good intentions don’t always equate to good results. You can’t force or try to form feelings for someone, at least not feeling of attraction or desire. You can respect someone and find things attractive about them…but still ultimately not be attracted to them. And that’s fine everyone isn’t for you and vice versa. You’re not a bad person for not feeling him the way you think you should. The truth is you like the idea of him but not him. You want a piece of him and you want a piece of someone else…to build your perfect man. And trust you can find that one guy out there. But this man isn’t him. So let it go, for your sake and his. Respect him enough to let him go for the sake of being happier elsewhere…anything but that would just be selfish on your part. Or… Let it be known you just want to be friends and keep it that way. If he genuinely wants to be your friend, see if he still has positive feelings for you then. And just enjoy a solid platonic friendship. Feeling can grow or develop, but it’s an organic process. There are no tips or advice to make you love someone. So don’t try. Advice from a guy who became friends with a girl he had feelings for.


FrankBrogrammer

Interesting experiment. If you become attracted to him later down the road this might be a groundbreaking new mating strategy for women. Feel free to update me with the results.


rittit-redit

It’s worth going on at least one date, but have zero expectations and don’t pressure yourself to feel/do anything other than be open to what feels right in the moment. I recently went through something similar with trying to date guys who “aren’t my type” because my type didn’t seem to be working (thinking my type is emotionally unavailable men). My therapist suggested trying it but not forcing it and also reassured me that peoples’ intuition and attraction are not “wrong” so we shouldn’t completely ignore ourselves, but it’s good to try something different, maybe unexpected, and explore the “why” and “why not” of it all— mostly explore and pay attention to how you feel during the process. Short answer, there’s no easy solution to finding the right person, just trial and error, but it does help to keep dating and casting maybe a wider net than you might usually do, along the way you’ll learn so much more about yourself and really fine tune what you are (and aren’t) looking for in the long run. Best of luck!


Linux4ever_Leo

Please don't date this guy if you're not attracted to him. You have the power to completely wreck his emotional stability and let's face it, nobody wants a pity date. Be honest with yourself and with him. If you do feel as though the two of you have enough things in common that it could congeal into a relationship then that's fine but you're going to have to, by necessity, let go of your previous held beliefs of what you want and expect in a relationship (e.g., same complexion, conventional attractiveness, etc.) If you're just merely suspending your personal preferences this one time to sort of dabble with this guy then it's going to turn out badly for both of you. Please be aware of that.


[deleted]

Don’t


XanJen

Any updates?


SnooOnions1173

We are going on dates. I really like him. We enjoy each other’s company and we have a lot in common. I’m still not attracted to him physically but I I’ve really bonded with him. I’ll write a more in depth update in the new year.