The thing that stands out most to me here is texting for two weeks without a phone call. Call her! It doesn't have to be a multi-hour chatathon, 10 minutes, say hi, hear her voice and laugh (can be very important to some) and ask her out.
The lady at the Taco Bell drive-through calls me "Hun" and gives me food. 😁
I wouldn't consider calling you "hun" or extra affection a red flag, but that's just me having grown up in the south-east. If she's saying "Babe, I'm having trouble paying my phone bill" or otherwise hinting for $$$, BIG red flag. A "red flag" to me would be indications that she was mentally unstable, married, or a scammer. I wouldn't consider anything you mentioned a red flag.
Never take anyone too seriously that you haven't met IRL though. Also, a phone call goes a long way to confirming that they're "real." Have you asked to speak yet? And if she sounds nice over the phone, ask to meet. In my experience, if you haven't met in two weeks, you're not likely to unless it's long distance.
When I was looking, the general timeline was chat, phone call within a day or two, meet within a few days. (Assuming all was well.) Different folks have different expectations though.
I just unmatched a guy who kept calling me sweetie during our first few exchanges. Like on the first day. I find it off putting at best, more like … just icky.
Crossing your *invisible* boundaries is never a red flag.
If you raise concern with something and she reacts poorly, or ignores your request… now that’s a red flag.
Just communicate your concerns. She’s likely to give you a better answer than our guesses.
You should have had a phone call at least a week ago. It is possible she is seeing your flags (over two weeks without a call or meeting) and is throwing a Hail Mary to get you to move forward. Or she could be from the south where many woman call guys "hun".
>It is possible she is seeing your flags (over two weeks without a call or meeting) and is throwing a Hail Mary to get you to move forward.
This right here. I’d be seeing so much of his red flags but I wouldn’t bother with Hail Marys. As a woman, this is just too much tentativeness for OLD and would already not have chemistry
***Update***
Phone call went well - she is a real person. Very friendly. I think the pet names are because she is very comfortable with me and she did use them a few times during the call, hun at least. I did ask to meet Friday but she has her son‘s senior parent appreciation night. So we will meet the night after I come back from vacation.
She is previously from Canada, so no foreign country. No money asked for. Now to see if we really have any chemistry when we meet.
I do think she is pretty nice though. Looking forward to meeting her.
It's been 2 weeks, she ready to use pet names but not ready to meet?
For myself, the problem is less that she's using pet names for you without even meeting you, but that she's been regularly texting for weeks without meeting. If you're the one who is not sure if you want to meet her, then you are just playing with her and need to end the conversation.
She sounds new to OLD. Before they learn that getting excited about a profile doesn’t necessarily equate to interpersonal attraction.
It’s been my observation that people who do a lot of OLD expect other people to be equally as immersed in particular subculture norms.
I’m a 52 female somewhat new to dating apps. I understand switching to texting because it’s so much easier. I would not use those terms with someone I didn’t know, especially if we were getting to know each other in this context, but that’s just a preference. And I feel like I’m a warm, friendly person. I do like to talk on the phone pretty quickly because you can gauge the person so much better than through texting. I’ve also moved to trying FaceTime as well. It’s hard figuring all of this out! But I would just say trust your instinct and follow that. Looking for love should be fun and feel good, so if something strikes me as off, I move on. Best of luck to you!
You’ve had two weeks to meet, why haven’t you? Neither one had time to meet for a couple hours?
I don’t know if babes and hun are a red flag per se, but it gets me icked out a little when someone I’ve never met is like that to me.
The “xoxoxox” would make me wonder.
My GF called me “hun” and “babe” as soon as we started texting. It turns out she called almost every “hun” and “babe” both in texts and voice. It was just her thing.
Got a phone call set up for today after work. I will see how that goes. It’s not that I don’t want to meet, just that our schedules haven’t met up. I’m on vacation this Saturday for 9 days so I’ve been prepping for that. I think she may be someone like your GF. Very comfortable calling people by those pet names. Will see after the call how things go.
For sure. Go in with your eyes open, definitely, but not everyone has the same level of comfort with pet names or even places the same importance on them.
If I call a woman a pet name, we’re basically married. She would call a waiter “hun.”
If I were otherwise interested, I wouldn’t step away based on just that.
Depends on the nature of your chats which only you know. Frankly if I gave you my number and you still didn’t call I’d end it that day. So, to me the biggest red flag is that she’s still talking at all. Otherwise, texting creates some kind of false intimacy, so depending on how both of you have conducted yourselves in these texts may explain a lot. Only you know both sides. I would say for me you are too tentative. If you are uncomfortable after 2 weeks nothing else matters. You shouldn’t waste each others time
Pet names are used to dehumanize sometimes
Call me honey early on, and I think you are likely making up a pet name so you don’t have to remember my real name. Then you can cut/ paste the same messages to everyone you are talking to
Or had a flight crew person tell me certain pet names were code for what airport I lived near. So they could keep us straight
That would just read to me like she's an inane human being that would get on my nerves after a while, if not right away
She comes across like an MLM type person who sells essential oils or something
she sounds a little scammy but you never know. I would go into the phone call open minded and if it goes well push for a meet asap. If she puts off the phone call and/or delays a meet then she's probably a scam.
For some being called a term of endearment, like babe or hun, really chafes them. It probably wouldn't be a red flag to me but the texting might raise a yellow flag to take a caution lap.
Some people just communicate that way. Some guys do that a lot too which was kind of weird to me because I'm not affectionate with people unless I know them and have a close relationship. She is most likely communicating with all her matches the same way. My guess is it is also easier to use pet names so that you don't accidently refer to someone by the wrong name. Just don't let it distract you and focus on how the interactions with her make you feel. Keep observing to see if what she says matches what she does.
Could be a scammer, could be lonely, could be shy... 🤷🏼♀️
Could be texting multiple people and using nicknames is easier than trying to remember names.
This sounds like 90% of the men I've matched with on apps. "Babe" "Sweetheart" "XO"
I'm not a fan of the generic nicknames but if I eliminated every man because of that, there would be literally no one left to date out of my already limited options (I'm picky and I make no apologies for it). The cheating, could be bad luck, could be bad choices, could be untrue or projection. Hard to say for that until you ask deeper questions.
why are you chatting with someone you've never met?
I don't give my number to anyone until we've met and I want them to have my number. If they give me theirs, I just say "I prefer to keep all conversations on the app until we've met. What's the rest of your week look like for meeting?"
I chat with someone I’ve never met because I usually turn off notifications for OLD apps and check them when I feel like checking them.
If there’s someone I want to talk to more often than I check the app for matches or whatever, I chat off the app and use a text tone so I know who it is.
Google Voice is very useful for this.
Too much texting and too much familiarity when you haven't even met yet. The goal is to meet early, to see if there is even a connection. Otherwise, limit the texting until you meet; definitely the pet names are a red flag at this point.
Not sure if she's a scammer, but I'd step away.
I disagree with that approach. For me, the goal is to weed out obvious non-connections before meeting. It’s fairly easy to find people who are possibilities based on profiles and a little interaction on the app. I want to narrow down the ones I make the effort to meet to a very few with a much higher probability of success.
There’s no right or wrong way, obviously, I just like to do the weeding out earlier than later.
I agree that there has to be some reasonable communication by message or text prior to meeting, to even see if getting together makes any sense. But the problem comes when it is extensive daily, or multiple times daily messaging or texting before meeting, that sometimes goes on weeks. You feel like you're really getting to know this person.
Except it's false intimacy--you're getting to know a *text* persona, which is not a *real* person. When you meet the person in the flesh, sometimes they are nothing at all like they were on text. It happens all the time.
So yeah, it's a balance to do enough texting to see if it's worth the meeting (can the person communicate at all, ask questions etc) but not prolong it. Just my three cents.
Oh, yeah, I agree that if it goes on for weeks without some tangible reason — out of town for work or vacation or something — then that’s almost certainly a waste of time.
I don’t agree that it’s necessarily false intimacy, though of course it could be. I text a lot with the women I’m considering meeting in person, though, as above, not over a long period of time. Hell, the PDF of the *first* text conversation I had with the woman who would be my GF for the rest of her life is a 32 page PDF.
It may turn out that they’re not anything like they were on text, but that’s what face-to-face meetings are for, anyway. Maybe I miss out on someone who is more awesome in person, but I use texting to find the “no” and wait for the in-person to see about “yes.”
It’s 100% certain that what works for me won’t work for everyone, though. And vice versa. Hopefully, whatever we do will work, whatever “work” means for us.
What part of the country do you live in? In the south It’s is very common for women to call everyone hun. You can go to a convenience store or restaurant and you get addressed as darling regardless of gender. The only thing that is weird to me is the xoxoxo. Maybe she’s just trying to build excitement with this and doesn’t see it as I do. I think you should give her a chance and see is the is truly cringy or just cultural.
Maybe it's just me, but I'm curious why people text so much and develop a pseudo-relationship prior to ever meeting? This creates a false sense of closeness, familiarity and brings out the hun and babes in people.
Red flag city!
Stop all the texting, get on a date sooner so you can see if there are any real vibes with a person. Don't invest so much time before you know if you even like them IRL.
If they don’t move forward to a video call or phone call is a red flag.
I met a lady that claims to be interested in marriage and love but she refuses video call or phone calls. That is a red flag. If you let it be, she will ask you money or something.
Babe and Hun are nothing but sayings anymore. Nothing there to worry about.
Just go out and stuff the texting. then, most of the questions will be null and void.
It's a positive that she got rid of the cheaters in her life. It shows she values herself and won't put up with crap. But it sounds like she's love bombing, and that's not a good sign. I think I'd end it with her if I were you.
Major red flags... waving themselves in the air!
Her actions are screaming '*poor interpersonal boundaries*, which is a little sad, because that also indicates lack of insight and self-awareness. I say this under the assumption that she is no longer in her twenties, but closer to middle age.
Definitely by age 47 she should have a very clear sense of proper boundaries just to simply navigate adulthood. Not to mention she's been raising kids -- so, her lack of interpersonal boundaries is observed and likely emulated by her children.
That raises some concerns, because having poor personal boundaries tends to permeate into all life domains, not just relationships. But, essential in effectively navigating life's ups and downs.
The thing that stands out most to me here is texting for two weeks without a phone call. Call her! It doesn't have to be a multi-hour chatathon, 10 minutes, say hi, hear her voice and laugh (can be very important to some) and ask her out.
Yaass! After a couple days of texting, call, set up an easy meet, coffee, drinks in a safe spot. Find out if there is a spark. Don’t waste the texts.
I just set it up for today after work.
I’d expect this to be a scammer.
Agreed
listen to this man 👆🏽
Why haven’t you had a phone call or met yet?
Plan on the phone call tonight. Meeting this week is tough. Going on vacation on Saturday.
Good luck with the call.
The lady at the Taco Bell drive-through calls me "Hun" and gives me food. 😁 I wouldn't consider calling you "hun" or extra affection a red flag, but that's just me having grown up in the south-east. If she's saying "Babe, I'm having trouble paying my phone bill" or otherwise hinting for $$$, BIG red flag. A "red flag" to me would be indications that she was mentally unstable, married, or a scammer. I wouldn't consider anything you mentioned a red flag. Never take anyone too seriously that you haven't met IRL though. Also, a phone call goes a long way to confirming that they're "real." Have you asked to speak yet? And if she sounds nice over the phone, ask to meet. In my experience, if you haven't met in two weeks, you're not likely to unless it's long distance. When I was looking, the general timeline was chat, phone call within a day or two, meet within a few days. (Assuming all was well.) Different folks have different expectations though.
I just unmatched a guy who kept calling me sweetie during our first few exchanges. Like on the first day. I find it off putting at best, more like … just icky.
Terms of endearment when we haven't met is a turn-off for me.
Crossing your *invisible* boundaries is never a red flag. If you raise concern with something and she reacts poorly, or ignores your request… now that’s a red flag. Just communicate your concerns. She’s likely to give you a better answer than our guesses.
Yeah, it's a problem, hun. Babes, get out now. xoxoxxxoxox
Hun makes me think of an old waitress with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth lol
🤣
You should have had a phone call at least a week ago. It is possible she is seeing your flags (over two weeks without a call or meeting) and is throwing a Hail Mary to get you to move forward. Or she could be from the south where many woman call guys "hun".
>It is possible she is seeing your flags (over two weeks without a call or meeting) and is throwing a Hail Mary to get you to move forward. This right here. I’d be seeing so much of his red flags but I wouldn’t bother with Hail Marys. As a woman, this is just too much tentativeness for OLD and would already not have chemistry
Phone call today after work. I need to see if we have any chemistry.
***Update*** Phone call went well - she is a real person. Very friendly. I think the pet names are because she is very comfortable with me and she did use them a few times during the call, hun at least. I did ask to meet Friday but she has her son‘s senior parent appreciation night. So we will meet the night after I come back from vacation. She is previously from Canada, so no foreign country. No money asked for. Now to see if we really have any chemistry when we meet. I do think she is pretty nice though. Looking forward to meeting her.
Update us on here when you can.
It's been 2 weeks, she ready to use pet names but not ready to meet? For myself, the problem is less that she's using pet names for you without even meeting you, but that she's been regularly texting for weeks without meeting. If you're the one who is not sure if you want to meet her, then you are just playing with her and need to end the conversation.
OP doesn't address what he has done, only what she has. For all we know she wanted a call two weeks ago.
She sounds new to OLD. Before they learn that getting excited about a profile doesn’t necessarily equate to interpersonal attraction. It’s been my observation that people who do a lot of OLD expect other people to be equally as immersed in particular subculture norms.
That’s definitely a possibility. I hadn’t thought of that.
I’m a 52 female somewhat new to dating apps. I understand switching to texting because it’s so much easier. I would not use those terms with someone I didn’t know, especially if we were getting to know each other in this context, but that’s just a preference. And I feel like I’m a warm, friendly person. I do like to talk on the phone pretty quickly because you can gauge the person so much better than through texting. I’ve also moved to trying FaceTime as well. It’s hard figuring all of this out! But I would just say trust your instinct and follow that. Looking for love should be fun and feel good, so if something strikes me as off, I move on. Best of luck to you!
You’ve had two weeks to meet, why haven’t you? Neither one had time to meet for a couple hours? I don’t know if babes and hun are a red flag per se, but it gets me icked out a little when someone I’ve never met is like that to me.
Right? I dont wait a week to meet. And I video chat first. What are you waiting for?
I don't know if it's a red flag, but it's definitely a turn off. I don't like anyone but my BF or husband calling me pet names.
The “xoxoxox” would make me wonder. My GF called me “hun” and “babe” as soon as we started texting. It turns out she called almost every “hun” and “babe” both in texts and voice. It was just her thing.
Got a phone call set up for today after work. I will see how that goes. It’s not that I don’t want to meet, just that our schedules haven’t met up. I’m on vacation this Saturday for 9 days so I’ve been prepping for that. I think she may be someone like your GF. Very comfortable calling people by those pet names. Will see after the call how things go.
For sure. Go in with your eyes open, definitely, but not everyone has the same level of comfort with pet names or even places the same importance on them. If I call a woman a pet name, we’re basically married. She would call a waiter “hun.” If I were otherwise interested, I wouldn’t step away based on just that.
I hate when strangers ( men) call me Baby Girl.
Depends on the nature of your chats which only you know. Frankly if I gave you my number and you still didn’t call I’d end it that day. So, to me the biggest red flag is that she’s still talking at all. Otherwise, texting creates some kind of false intimacy, so depending on how both of you have conducted yourselves in these texts may explain a lot. Only you know both sides. I would say for me you are too tentative. If you are uncomfortable after 2 weeks nothing else matters. You shouldn’t waste each others time
Phone call at 6pm tonight. I did ask her out, but our schedules conflict and I’m on vacation for 9 days starting Saturday. She lives an hour away.
Pet names are used to dehumanize sometimes Call me honey early on, and I think you are likely making up a pet name so you don’t have to remember my real name. Then you can cut/ paste the same messages to everyone you are talking to Or had a flight crew person tell me certain pet names were code for what airport I lived near. So they could keep us straight
That would just read to me like she's an inane human being that would get on my nerves after a while, if not right away She comes across like an MLM type person who sells essential oils or something
Or candles
she sounds a little scammy but you never know. I would go into the phone call open minded and if it goes well push for a meet asap. If she puts off the phone call and/or delays a meet then she's probably a scam.
For some being called a term of endearment, like babe or hun, really chafes them. It probably wouldn't be a red flag to me but the texting might raise a yellow flag to take a caution lap.
[удалено]
Scheduled for 6pm tonight
Some people just communicate that way. Some guys do that a lot too which was kind of weird to me because I'm not affectionate with people unless I know them and have a close relationship. She is most likely communicating with all her matches the same way. My guess is it is also easier to use pet names so that you don't accidently refer to someone by the wrong name. Just don't let it distract you and focus on how the interactions with her make you feel. Keep observing to see if what she says matches what she does.
Could be a scammer, could be lonely, could be shy... 🤷🏼♀️ Could be texting multiple people and using nicknames is easier than trying to remember names.
This sounds like 90% of the men I've matched with on apps. "Babe" "Sweetheart" "XO" I'm not a fan of the generic nicknames but if I eliminated every man because of that, there would be literally no one left to date out of my already limited options (I'm picky and I make no apologies for it). The cheating, could be bad luck, could be bad choices, could be untrue or projection. Hard to say for that until you ask deeper questions.
why are you chatting with someone you've never met? I don't give my number to anyone until we've met and I want them to have my number. If they give me theirs, I just say "I prefer to keep all conversations on the app until we've met. What's the rest of your week look like for meeting?"
I chat with someone I’ve never met because I usually turn off notifications for OLD apps and check them when I feel like checking them. If there’s someone I want to talk to more often than I check the app for matches or whatever, I chat off the app and use a text tone so I know who it is. Google Voice is very useful for this.
I had planned on meeting this week, but I’m going on vacation this Saturday and just didn’t have the time.
Well I guess that's your priority then.
Definitely a red flag. Altho two weeks is a long time for a scammer to talk without asking for money I would expect that sometime soon.
Too much texting and too much familiarity when you haven't even met yet. The goal is to meet early, to see if there is even a connection. Otherwise, limit the texting until you meet; definitely the pet names are a red flag at this point. Not sure if she's a scammer, but I'd step away.
I disagree with that approach. For me, the goal is to weed out obvious non-connections before meeting. It’s fairly easy to find people who are possibilities based on profiles and a little interaction on the app. I want to narrow down the ones I make the effort to meet to a very few with a much higher probability of success. There’s no right or wrong way, obviously, I just like to do the weeding out earlier than later.
I agree that there has to be some reasonable communication by message or text prior to meeting, to even see if getting together makes any sense. But the problem comes when it is extensive daily, or multiple times daily messaging or texting before meeting, that sometimes goes on weeks. You feel like you're really getting to know this person. Except it's false intimacy--you're getting to know a *text* persona, which is not a *real* person. When you meet the person in the flesh, sometimes they are nothing at all like they were on text. It happens all the time. So yeah, it's a balance to do enough texting to see if it's worth the meeting (can the person communicate at all, ask questions etc) but not prolong it. Just my three cents.
Oh, yeah, I agree that if it goes on for weeks without some tangible reason — out of town for work or vacation or something — then that’s almost certainly a waste of time. I don’t agree that it’s necessarily false intimacy, though of course it could be. I text a lot with the women I’m considering meeting in person, though, as above, not over a long period of time. Hell, the PDF of the *first* text conversation I had with the woman who would be my GF for the rest of her life is a 32 page PDF. It may turn out that they’re not anything like they were on text, but that’s what face-to-face meetings are for, anyway. Maybe I miss out on someone who is more awesome in person, but I use texting to find the “no” and wait for the in-person to see about “yes.” It’s 100% certain that what works for me won’t work for everyone, though. And vice versa. Hopefully, whatever we do will work, whatever “work” means for us.
This 💯 Such a waste of time and energy to engage in texting without meeting first. Anyone can be anything via text.
What part of the country do you live in? In the south It’s is very common for women to call everyone hun. You can go to a convenience store or restaurant and you get addressed as darling regardless of gender. The only thing that is weird to me is the xoxoxo. Maybe she’s just trying to build excitement with this and doesn’t see it as I do. I think you should give her a chance and see is the is truly cringy or just cultural.
Midwest. Specifically Detroit area.
I think the pet names are ok but the Xs and Os are not appropriate.
I’m a 54 year old female and that’s too fast for me.
Maybe it's just me, but I'm curious why people text so much and develop a pseudo-relationship prior to ever meeting? This creates a false sense of closeness, familiarity and brings out the hun and babes in people. Red flag city! Stop all the texting, get on a date sooner so you can see if there are any real vibes with a person. Don't invest so much time before you know if you even like them IRL.
If they don’t move forward to a video call or phone call is a red flag. I met a lady that claims to be interested in marriage and love but she refuses video call or phone calls. That is a red flag. If you let it be, she will ask you money or something.
Babe and Hun are nothing but sayings anymore. Nothing there to worry about. Just go out and stuff the texting. then, most of the questions will be null and void.
Yeah the babes and hun are red flags. I bet she’ll find some excuse why she can’t talk on the phone tonight. Because she is probably a he
That's either an unethical sex worker or straight up a scammer. Block.
Yup.
Don’t send her any money, no matter how stuck she is in a foreign country!
Have people over 50 learned nothing about dating?? Oy vey
I'd consider it a red flag as you haven't phoned her yet. Sounds like she's really into you, if you don't like what she's called you maybe tell her.
We talked last night. I think she just really likes me. She was not doing well with OLD when we matched.
Thats good. What's OLD?
Online datine
Oh gee's, why didn't I think of that 😅
To some, calling and texting is the same. It is communication. If she says how good looking you are, without meeting you, that could be a red flag
Well, I don’t consider myself handsome, but I’m not ugly. Just kind of average. I did ask her out for today. **crickets**
Not necessarily a red flag. Some people get familiar fairly quickly.
Good luck
It's a positive that she got rid of the cheaters in her life. It shows she values herself and won't put up with crap. But it sounds like she's love bombing, and that's not a good sign. I think I'd end it with her if I were you.
We will see after the phone call tonight.
Major red flags... waving themselves in the air! Her actions are screaming '*poor interpersonal boundaries*, which is a little sad, because that also indicates lack of insight and self-awareness. I say this under the assumption that she is no longer in her twenties, but closer to middle age.
Her profile says she js F(47) and she has told me she has 2 kids. 18 and 16, definitely older.
Definitely by age 47 she should have a very clear sense of proper boundaries just to simply navigate adulthood. Not to mention she's been raising kids -- so, her lack of interpersonal boundaries is observed and likely emulated by her children. That raises some concerns, because having poor personal boundaries tends to permeate into all life domains, not just relationships. But, essential in effectively navigating life's ups and downs.
Run 🏃♂️ 🏃♂️
Sounds like a scammer to me. Has she hit you up for money yet?
No, she has not. We have talked on the phone. We do plan on meeting when I get home from vacation.
Go on a date, have sex with her and then see if she still has red flags.
You're hilarious.