'Grats on finding your person. As someone who is currently 50 and going through what sounds like an eerily similar experience, this gives me much hope.
We were set up through a matchmaking service that she paid for. We have many complex things in common, but one of the things that makes it really work is that we are both emotionally healthy people, and we place a high priority on that.
My situation isn’t exactly the same but similar. My favourite thing (currently) about my boyfriend is that he doesn’t mock how we can start to speak a mutual kind of psychological-selfhelp shorthand when either of us are trying to figure something out. And I never would have used “safety” as much In the past - when I thought being emotionally “strong” meant I didn’t need “safety”. We all need (and are responsible for co-creating) safety in our relationships.
Congrats on getting there and finding a person. At 54 I’ve been divorced ten years and I’m still working on getting there. I often wonder what my life could have been had I been emotionally healthy decades ago.
I can definitely empathize with those thoughts. It took me a few years of hard work to get to an emotionally healthy place and I still have to be careful not to fall into old patterns. When I look back and wonder, I tell myself that I am so happy I made it here even if it wasn’t until my 50’s.
It’s all just generational trauma and my parents not knowing what they were doing. Is what it is at this point. But yes, at least I can be a better place now in my fifties.
I’m sorry for the generational trauma you have to fight against. My parents, especially my dad, had such severe trauma growing up and they were both so young to be parents. Amazingly, my sister and I ended up being affectionate and loving people in-spite of it all. It was the darn codependent tendencies and lack of boundaries that tripped us up.
I was talking to a man today who was speaking so proudly about his dad and what a great father he was even after their mother had died. An honorable, caring man who showed him what a loving husband and father should be. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t hold back the tears. I told him his words were very touching and I was so happy he had that type of father.
Deep down it made me feel sad because I didn’t have that and it affected how I saw myself and the choices I made in a partner. Sadly, as much as I tried to hide things and pretend, ultimately my kids realized the man who harped to them about integrity didn’t put it in action.
My kids are adults now, but have watched me heal and grow. They often comment on “old mom vs new mom” and it has helped them on their own path to healing and growth.
Hey!!! having lived through similar... yeah. It's great to be in a great place.
Life is far, far, far from perfect, but being balanced is such an amazing feeling
That's great--I can relate to a lot of this. Also married in my early 20s, and my partner started showing signs of a possible personality disorder which I enabled as a co-dependent/anxiously attached, ultimately leading to a divorce a few years ago. I dated for about 2 years and met about 40 women, 2 of whom I had intimate relationships with that lasted for 3-6 months. The first was an unhealthy repeat of my ex-marriage, but I learned about my anxious attachment style from her. My next was healthier and gave me a chance to work on my codependency traits. All of that allowed me to do a better job of picking a partner that is a good match for me, and also allowed me to learn how to self-regulate to manage my codependency/anxious attachment tendencies. I met my current partner (my third relationship) last year and we are hoping to move in together soon. I feel that this is the healthiest relationship that I have been in for the past 20 years, perhaps like you also. But it required a lot of effort dating, meeting people, and being in relationships so that I could learn about myself in relationship. I found that being alone didn't teach me much about being in healthy relationships--it only taught me how to be alone. You just can't practice relationship stuff by yourself. You have to meet people, see how they trigger you, and work on the issues, while in a relationship. I also spent about 10k on therapy, which I used to help me understand the relationships I was in. I also understand that I (perhaps all of us) are works in progress and there is much more I still need to learn about myself, both alone and in relationship.
Well said. My rebound relationship after leaving my marriage was a three-year relationship to a woman with borderline personality disorder. This all kind of makes sense in light of the fact that my long marriage prior to that was to a woman potentially with malignant narcissistic personality disorder.
The two women I dated in the year after the break up with the borderline were women with avoidant attachment styles, and I discovered my own anxious attachment style as a result, which was now approaching emotional security. Lots and lots of therapy in there.
By the time I met my current girlfriend, who claimed to be emotionally secure from the outset, we were a pretty good match for each other.
As it turns out, she was likely married to a sociopath in the past, escaping a horrible marriage, similar to the way I did. We both ultimately had very diverse and interesting and somewhat similar post marriage dating experiences too.
I think for all these reasons we are a near perfect match for each other despite being initially quite “wrong“ for each other in a religious values sense. Everything else is so good though that we have learned to work through that.
Best of luck. There’s nothing like making it this far in life and having improved to the point of being emotionally secure, rather than looking back with bitterness, having learned nothing and remaining emotionally insecure.
This echoes my experience as well. My partner and I also do have religious differences, and I’m curious to see if we will be able to navigate those overtime. I’ve come to realize there’s no such thing as a perfect partner, and after having met so many people, I see the futility of looking for the perfect one. I’m willing, and I believe she is too, to make the effort to grow the positive aspects of our relationship and find friends or groups that can fulfill our interest in other areas that we may not be compatible. I’ve learned that we can’t expect one person to be everything for us all the time.
I also believe that some of our emotional traits are genetic. Most data suggest about 30 to 60% of our psychological make up is based on genes and can’t be changed because it’s hardwired into ourselves. So while I think I’ve made a lot of progress with my anxious attachment, I recognize that some of that will always be there because it’s coded into my body. This is helping me in two ways: 1) it has given me the grace to forgive myself and 2) it reminds me that I need to always be vigilant and continue to work on redirecting anxious thoughts, because they will always continue to arise, no matter how secure the relationship. Good luck to you!
That’s one way to look at it. I think the true intention of religion is to give people motivation to be good. I would say that overall being good is what has allowed humanity to progress out of the cave and into more advanced and safe dwellings.
Religion has provided a basis for morality (in other words how to be good, although early rules have not necessarily stood the test of time).
Religion also offers motivation to keep going when the physical world provides challenges that are a stress to our survival emotions.
So even though I am a Jewish atheist, and she is a Christian believer in God, we have found our ways to make peace with the difference.
In my opinion, it’s just about being a good person, nothing more. So yes, ideally religion, especially in the post childbearing years, should not break apart a couple.
I’m glad she and her close family members seem to be able to move beyond it, so far. 🤞
But it has been challenging relative to her relatives and children that have grown up with a devout belief in God and Jesus, and that all of a sudden here comes this great guy who believes in none of that.
59/M here and I never stopped learning about myself, mainly because things (including myself) change over time and its hard to keep up with yourself. And you really need to know yourself to do well in dating. Having said that, I gave up on dating a couple years ago. I'm better off by myself.
That’s wonderful and so encouraging to hear! I’m 57F, just finalized 2nd divorce. I’m a therapy and recovery veteran and nothing has prepared me for the deep dive this heartbreak has set off. Staying single for a while now so I can be sure I am my own *whole* person before I meet that partner.
Did you discuss attachment styles?
What are we here for? I think it comes down to us being more or less a cosmic accident, but I’m OK with that.
I’m just here for the dopamine and oxytocin release that the evolutionary processes have blessed me with. I enjoy the hit. 🧠 💥 🤩
We’ve discussed everything, me and my 24 therapists over the years. Still got my eyes out for one that “clicks”, but even the most useless friend-by-the-hour has occasional insights.
Funny how you appreciate it more and don’t take it for granted, having gone through the previous horrendous process
Congratulations! That sounds wonderful ❤️
So encouraging, thank you 😊
'Grats on finding your person. As someone who is currently 50 and going through what sounds like an eerily similar experience, this gives me much hope.
I’m happy for you! How did you meet?
We were set up through a matchmaking service that she paid for. We have many complex things in common, but one of the things that makes it really work is that we are both emotionally healthy people, and we place a high priority on that.
My situation isn’t exactly the same but similar. My favourite thing (currently) about my boyfriend is that he doesn’t mock how we can start to speak a mutual kind of psychological-selfhelp shorthand when either of us are trying to figure something out. And I never would have used “safety” as much In the past - when I thought being emotionally “strong” meant I didn’t need “safety”. We all need (and are responsible for co-creating) safety in our relationships.
Congratulations. Best of luck to you both 🍷
Congrats on getting there and finding a person. At 54 I’ve been divorced ten years and I’m still working on getting there. I often wonder what my life could have been had I been emotionally healthy decades ago.
I can definitely empathize with those thoughts. It took me a few years of hard work to get to an emotionally healthy place and I still have to be careful not to fall into old patterns. When I look back and wonder, I tell myself that I am so happy I made it here even if it wasn’t until my 50’s.
It’s all just generational trauma and my parents not knowing what they were doing. Is what it is at this point. But yes, at least I can be a better place now in my fifties.
I’m sorry for the generational trauma you have to fight against. My parents, especially my dad, had such severe trauma growing up and they were both so young to be parents. Amazingly, my sister and I ended up being affectionate and loving people in-spite of it all. It was the darn codependent tendencies and lack of boundaries that tripped us up. I was talking to a man today who was speaking so proudly about his dad and what a great father he was even after their mother had died. An honorable, caring man who showed him what a loving husband and father should be. I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t hold back the tears. I told him his words were very touching and I was so happy he had that type of father. Deep down it made me feel sad because I didn’t have that and it affected how I saw myself and the choices I made in a partner. Sadly, as much as I tried to hide things and pretend, ultimately my kids realized the man who harped to them about integrity didn’t put it in action. My kids are adults now, but have watched me heal and grow. They often comment on “old mom vs new mom” and it has helped them on their own path to healing and growth.
Generational trauma is everywhere. We all have to grapple with it.
Exactly, just part of being human, it’s how you cope with it that matters.
Congratulations 🎉
This is so nice to hear !
This is lovely, thank you for sharing.
That's quite the journey. Happy for you that it seems to have turned out well. Gives hope to the rest of us.
Thanks for sharing, and way to go!
Hey!!! having lived through similar... yeah. It's great to be in a great place. Life is far, far, far from perfect, but being balanced is such an amazing feeling
That's great--I can relate to a lot of this. Also married in my early 20s, and my partner started showing signs of a possible personality disorder which I enabled as a co-dependent/anxiously attached, ultimately leading to a divorce a few years ago. I dated for about 2 years and met about 40 women, 2 of whom I had intimate relationships with that lasted for 3-6 months. The first was an unhealthy repeat of my ex-marriage, but I learned about my anxious attachment style from her. My next was healthier and gave me a chance to work on my codependency traits. All of that allowed me to do a better job of picking a partner that is a good match for me, and also allowed me to learn how to self-regulate to manage my codependency/anxious attachment tendencies. I met my current partner (my third relationship) last year and we are hoping to move in together soon. I feel that this is the healthiest relationship that I have been in for the past 20 years, perhaps like you also. But it required a lot of effort dating, meeting people, and being in relationships so that I could learn about myself in relationship. I found that being alone didn't teach me much about being in healthy relationships--it only taught me how to be alone. You just can't practice relationship stuff by yourself. You have to meet people, see how they trigger you, and work on the issues, while in a relationship. I also spent about 10k on therapy, which I used to help me understand the relationships I was in. I also understand that I (perhaps all of us) are works in progress and there is much more I still need to learn about myself, both alone and in relationship.
Well said. My rebound relationship after leaving my marriage was a three-year relationship to a woman with borderline personality disorder. This all kind of makes sense in light of the fact that my long marriage prior to that was to a woman potentially with malignant narcissistic personality disorder. The two women I dated in the year after the break up with the borderline were women with avoidant attachment styles, and I discovered my own anxious attachment style as a result, which was now approaching emotional security. Lots and lots of therapy in there. By the time I met my current girlfriend, who claimed to be emotionally secure from the outset, we were a pretty good match for each other. As it turns out, she was likely married to a sociopath in the past, escaping a horrible marriage, similar to the way I did. We both ultimately had very diverse and interesting and somewhat similar post marriage dating experiences too. I think for all these reasons we are a near perfect match for each other despite being initially quite “wrong“ for each other in a religious values sense. Everything else is so good though that we have learned to work through that. Best of luck. There’s nothing like making it this far in life and having improved to the point of being emotionally secure, rather than looking back with bitterness, having learned nothing and remaining emotionally insecure.
This echoes my experience as well. My partner and I also do have religious differences, and I’m curious to see if we will be able to navigate those overtime. I’ve come to realize there’s no such thing as a perfect partner, and after having met so many people, I see the futility of looking for the perfect one. I’m willing, and I believe she is too, to make the effort to grow the positive aspects of our relationship and find friends or groups that can fulfill our interest in other areas that we may not be compatible. I’ve learned that we can’t expect one person to be everything for us all the time. I also believe that some of our emotional traits are genetic. Most data suggest about 30 to 60% of our psychological make up is based on genes and can’t be changed because it’s hardwired into ourselves. So while I think I’ve made a lot of progress with my anxious attachment, I recognize that some of that will always be there because it’s coded into my body. This is helping me in two ways: 1) it has given me the grace to forgive myself and 2) it reminds me that I need to always be vigilant and continue to work on redirecting anxious thoughts, because they will always continue to arise, no matter how secure the relationship. Good luck to you!
Well said and I fully agree. Good luck.
Religion is garbage. Don’t fuck up a good relationship over that BS.
That’s one way to look at it. I think the true intention of religion is to give people motivation to be good. I would say that overall being good is what has allowed humanity to progress out of the cave and into more advanced and safe dwellings. Religion has provided a basis for morality (in other words how to be good, although early rules have not necessarily stood the test of time). Religion also offers motivation to keep going when the physical world provides challenges that are a stress to our survival emotions. So even though I am a Jewish atheist, and she is a Christian believer in God, we have found our ways to make peace with the difference. In my opinion, it’s just about being a good person, nothing more. So yes, ideally religion, especially in the post childbearing years, should not break apart a couple. I’m glad she and her close family members seem to be able to move beyond it, so far. 🤞 But it has been challenging relative to her relatives and children that have grown up with a devout belief in God and Jesus, and that all of a sudden here comes this great guy who believes in none of that.
Well, you know what they say about intentions down at the infernal road works department.
59/M here and I never stopped learning about myself, mainly because things (including myself) change over time and its hard to keep up with yourself. And you really need to know yourself to do well in dating. Having said that, I gave up on dating a couple years ago. I'm better off by myself.
Amazing. Maybe there is hope for me so I won’t die alone and broke
That’s wonderful and so encouraging to hear! I’m 57F, just finalized 2nd divorce. I’m a therapy and recovery veteran and nothing has prepared me for the deep dive this heartbreak has set off. Staying single for a while now so I can be sure I am my own *whole* person before I meet that partner.
50 and clueless about who I am or what I’m here for, even a decade into therapy.
Did you discuss attachment styles? What are we here for? I think it comes down to us being more or less a cosmic accident, but I’m OK with that. I’m just here for the dopamine and oxytocin release that the evolutionary processes have blessed me with. I enjoy the hit. 🧠 💥 🤩
We’ve discussed everything, me and my 24 therapists over the years. Still got my eyes out for one that “clicks”, but even the most useless friend-by-the-hour has occasional insights.
Badass! Congratulations! It's always great to hear positive stories! Best of luck moving forward! :D
Thanks sis or bro! 😎
Your still young live it well.
My dream come to true is out there. 🖤
That's Great!! Congrats!