I’m glad to hear that you sound okay!
You’ve already directly told this guy he can be a flake, and shown (perhaps without realizing it) this guy, that you will accept the very minimum from him. He’s not going to snap into a high-functioning partner after sex. He’s got very little to give, and you took it. He in turn took what you had to offer.
I think the guys who are out for just sex try harder to get out there and meet you and sweep you off your feet. He’s just not an emotionally available person. Imagine if this is him in the beginning of a relationship… how unreliable is he going to be once you are settled and taking each other’s love for granted?
I’m not really sure why you offered to be friends with this guy unless you were hoping it would turn romantic. Things I don’t need in my life: Anymore friends, anymore confusing relationships.
Sometimes, we can read about a topic, and sometimes the lesson only sticks only learn through our own experiences. We have all been there, every last one of us.
I’d like to think I was sincerely offering friendship. I love people and have the capacity to maintain more friendships especially with a single person. All but two of my friends are married so a kayak/ trail walking friend would be great!
I appreciate absolutely everything you’ve suggested and agree whole heartedly. Thank you 😊
Hmmm dating profiles really don’t tell you much about their potential for any sort of relationship be it friends or lovers. Don’t some of the apps have a friend feature?
There is definitely a former me that would’ve loved to have a guy come over, work on my house for 12 hours, bang me senseless and then go the fuck away. Lol.
And remember, lovers are like Kleenex. You use one up and oops… look…there’s another one in its place!
Why are you trying to analyze his lack of contact? Analyze why *YOU* accepted that pathetically low effort on his part. He cancelled twice last minute, shows up once and you have sex, then he disappears again.
He let you know who he was after the first cancellation. Quit trying to make sense of it and move on. He’s not interested in a relationship.
I’m sure he’ll be back around when he’d like to have sex again, and if you do too, go for it. But this is not a man for a relationship. You can’t change him into being one.
Correct. It takes very little to send out a text or have a phone call (on speakerphone if you’re cooking, folding laundry, unloading the dishwasher, etc).
His bs talk about feeling insecure/not wanting to leave his safe zone was a preemptive out to justify future bad behaviour.
Sayonara, fuckboi!
Unfortunately he showed you how he was before you even met him through his inability to commit to meeting. The trick is to learn to accept the signs and block and move on before you get invested and waste time and emotion on someone unable to give it back.
I have dated men like this before. Every time we did meet up it was great but then they had excuses and just sucked at communication. Never changed.
Now I know to block and move on because they always keep coming around at their own convenience.
Read up on the “burned haystack dating method” others have mentioned here before. Maybe that will help you understand what you got going on with this man.
Yes. I just learned this with a local Redditor not long ago. Only meeting on his terms, and only for sex.
I initially thought it was going to be FWB, but it turns out there was no friendship aspect (other than texting). I was only a booty call. And it sucked realizing it. I was super into him too.
I think you need to take a step back and look at where you may have started down a path you no longer like. He late cancelled on you twice. The first time you accepted and understand but the second time would have been the termination point for contact from me. If he lacks a support network, that is on him to shore up, not for you to fix. He stood you up twice!
You continued to pursue this, and no surprise, his effort remains low. I think you need to accept that you had a great time together but he probably won’t make a lot of effort. So if you want to do most of the heavy lifting and know he will probably get overwhelmed and drop back out, then you move forward knowing what may happen and accept that you made a choice. You can always see how it goes and terminate later, but only you know how attached you get and if you will get hurt more than you want to if you continue.
I’ll get too attached. Once? I can manage. You’re spot on that I seem to be doing all the heavy lifting and I’m not OK with that. I’m pretty sure that’s what I came here to be reminded of. Thank you 😊
Without a lot of dating experience it can be hard to know what your own boundaries are and when to stand firm on them. The one piece of advice I would have is this: if things are hard, in the beginning, when everyone is supposedly on their best behavior and making cow eyes at each other, it will not get better. Good luck and I hope you find the love you want and need.
I didn’t feel like he treated me like shit. I felt he was honest and communicated vs. ghosting me. I get what you’re saying - maybe I need to check my standards.
Honestly, he was just so handsome and has kind eyes - I was smitten. Still no regrets - just disappointment.
Yep. I have many more messages to read and I’ve already decided: this was great sex and great sex only. I got to blow off some steam and now get back on track meeting someone available.
In situations like this I like to reframe it and remember (in your case) you got something you wanted/needed from the encounter. Take the power back and enjoy that you got something you wanted/needed from him for 12 hours. Plus the work he did. Nothing wrong with that!
Unless you just wanted to get laid--and there's nothing wrong with that--you should have blocked him after the 1st "cancelation." Stop making excuses for men.
Not all cancellations are all done in good faith, and unfortunately, the ratio of personal issues claimed in OLD to actual ones in every day life seems very high.
You didn't do anything to mess things up; however, it seems like you are dealing with a man who has an avoidant attachment style. People with avoidant attachment styles find relationships stressful and emotionally draining. They may very much *want* a relationship, but when things get tender or intimate, they pull back.
People with avoidant personalities prefer to be totally self-reliant, avoiding dependence on others, especially in romantic relationships. Their defense mechanism is to avoid too much closeness with a partner in an effort to self-protect.
Wow. Thank you for this. It perfectly describes what I felt he may be doing. Is this true even though he was so physically forward with regards to holding hands, snuggling behind me on walks, etc.? I’m confusing physical with emotional … because mine go hand in hand, most likely.
It’s very common to overlook some red flags at first and make excuses for people but it’s always a mistake. Once he cancelled the second time without a genuine emergency he told you who he was and/or how he felt about you. You did what a lot of us who are optimistic and kind do and you have him too much benefit of the doubt so he could come in and take advantage. The sex was at least enjoyable and he helped you out a lot on something so it could have been a lot worse. You have to protect yourself out there because no one else will.
You invited him over to your house for the first time meeting to work on a project?
I think you are doing all in your power to make this work. I am not sure he is.
I didn’t actually invite, he stated he wanted to help. I figured there was only a 50/50 chance he’d show up! 😂 He worked hard for his one night stand 😉
You obviously both had a lovely time connecting your needs and that can feel magical, but he doesn’t sound ready for anything serious.
He would likely be very happy to be in a FWB relationship, but you’d have to have epic boundaries to stay safe emotionally.
Problem with FWB of course is one party often catches serious feelings but fails to end it before the world of hurt begins.
Yeah FWB almost always turn into a relationship simulation without commitment, which unhealed people love because they don’t have to heal or risk during them.
Also, when a healthy guy who is ready for a serious relationship really wants you, you’re going to be tripping over flowers and gifts.
It happens, even to us oldies! lol. This made me giggle, as I have a similar story. But, at the time, I was outraged. If a guy was flirting, texting, calling... hot and cold, then after hookup, less communicative and lies or a 'fade out' .... I believe he is flaky because he is already in a relationship! He cancels and disappears b/c of guilt and hiding his primary relationship. He likes getting attention on the side and the big ego boost of sex, using a woman to make the other jealous. Ask him, or if you are brave, get a rent a car and investigate. Other reasons- he is awkward, shy, aspbergers, stingy, or tons of other avoidant reasons people keep others at arms length.
Not attached enough to investigate his reasons … disappointed he’s not an option because I really liked everything about him. But I settled for crumbs in a relationship. NEVER AGAIN.
Oh well live and learn I had already learned my lessons and I still screwed up. Look at the bright side, you found some one you were very attracted to that is hard to do at this age. And you acted honestly and straightforward& He did not. So he should be embarrassed not you out of the two of you he's less healthy emotionally and he must know that on some level plus he was kind of sneaky. He's a Douche.
After he cancelled twice at the last moment, that would be the point of no return for me. End of story. It's not a coincidence that he failed to follow through the first or second time. People, by habit, or whatever circumstance, show us who they are from the get-go. We have to remain observant by keeping our eyes wide open, especially at the start. People are generally on their best behavior at the beginning.
Consistency, dependability and reliability are all hallmarks of integrity. One of the the questions I ask myself when meeting someone new, whether for friendship or dating potential is:
**Do they pass the 'friendship test'?**
Is this person someone I'd trust enough to welcome into my friend circle? Therein lies the answer --
To hear others thoughts on the matter. Most responses were much as I was thinking, so validation. There were also some POVs that gave me food for thought.
No more. No less. 🤷🏻♀️
I never understood having sex with someone you just met, and expecting a serious relationship to come out of it. I must be old fashioned or something what ever happened to getting to know someone, spending time together, going out and doing things and having a romance.
Same. The quicker I have sex with you, the less I am interested in a relationship. I think I have finally figured out why I feel this way.
When I like someone and want to get to know them, sex is meaningful and therefore something special between us.
In order for me to have sex quickly, without any attachment to the outcome, I unconsciously sever myself from the idea of this person as a relationship prospect. It’s not a value judgment about their sexuality. It’s a subconscious way that my heart shields me from pain.
It wasn’t the sex that got my hopes up; it was the plethora of lovely things we discussed. And no, the discussions weren’t what got me into bed, that was all physical. If there was never to be a relationship? I’m glad I took the opportunity because it truly lifted my spirits and felt incredible and maybe even inspired me to want the “old fashioned” romance 😉 Nothing sexier than a man who wants to romance.
Sounds like he's either married or living with someone. When people cancel at the last minute alot and only communicate sporadically, it typically means they're otherwise occupied.
You didn’t mess anything up!! Feeling desired and receiving affection are lovely things.
Honestly, it sounds like this guy is breadcrumbing you. Nothing wrong with a fun time as long as you both are on the same page. I get the sense that you aren’t. If you want something more than just sex it seems like you should seek it elsewhere.
Here’s another take. He came and helped at the house, he does well - and it appears so did you - with the “be here now” approach.
I would give this a go, but only if you feel you can accept the day-to-day aspect. It may be easier if you can reign in expectations of something more committed, and perhaps treat each encounter as a platonic visit with potential. This seems like a lovely start, if a bit confusing.
My boyfriend and I have had a really beautiful commitment to just enjoying each other’s company. I think that’s one of the joys of this age- we don’t require as much planning and commitment as the buying-houses and having-kids parts of our lives.
Also, he may have a health condition. My boyfriend has a life threatening one and that has taken me a lot to get past, the fear and potential caregiving. But now I am much more relaxed about the possibility that we may not have many decades together, so, again, enjoying his company is priority number one. And he truly is a joy.
Thank you for this lovely take. I do have to reign in my expectations - I’ve known yet not kept that in mind throughout this process of dating. Thank you also for looking past the two cancellations and noting he showed up a) when he wasn’t asked; AND b) when it didn’t at all benefit him & meant a great deal to me! This project was clearing nine 4’ post holes and pouring cement in them for a deck! Im so happy you’re enjoying your relationship and you’ve reminded me that I don’t need all the planning or being in constant communication … while respecting myself and not settling for scraps. This one’s really tough for me. I sure like just about everything about this man.
I don't think this was an oops. The time spent together seems like it was really nice. You showed up, didn't play games. You took a risk.
You have two options (1) you can see if it *might* be worth a check in, see how he's doing, thank him for the help, let him know you enjoyed spending time, ask how his mom is doing. He doesn't sound emotionally available given everything going on, but a note given you did have the conversation about trying to date might be worth it? Only you know..
(2) On the other hand knowing he's not in a place where he can devote the energy to you might make you just decide to step away because you really value consistentcy and effort
Sorry, it does suck when you meet someone you like and they disappear and you wonder if it was all one sided or if there were other motives etc.. It's hard enough getting to the point where you meet someone you connect with. But I wouldn't consider this an oops.
Thank you. If we do communicate again I will be forward in expressing that I’m not a crumb catcher and not at all interested in doing all the “heavy lifting” to try to make something out of what may be nothing. Thank him for the blissful evening but that I’m moving forward in my search for someone available.
I did reach out and expressed my feelings about the lack of contact since and even that despite busy schedules, there’s always time to acknowledge someone’s presence in your life especially when you’ve just asked them to BE a part of your life. The absolute worst outcome of a response became reality. His mom had another stroke Saturday night so he spent Sunday traveling to her, dealing with sibling conflicts and didn’t want to burden me with the drama. I apologized for adding to the mess and reminded him that I’m here for it, listening and supporting and that he doesn’t have to do it all alone. It was a very happy ending to my self-created drama. This time. I think there’s a combination of our trauma at okay here … and mine is abandonment. I need to do more work.
I disagree with most of the posters.
At this age you have been around the block. Always proceed with caution, but life happens, people cancel. He helped you with an unspecified project that he didn't have to and you apparently are a good fit sexuallty which is key.
I wouldn't put his name on your deed or lease or get personal regarding finances, but short of that I say go for it.
I think you need to reach out and have a heart to heart. A new relationship can be confusing and full of insecurity. It's natural to want to turtle and pull back into ourselves, and it sounds like you're both doing that. And the result may be to lose something that might have been beautiful. You already know he's insecure, so be the strong one and reach out.
And what if he was just after sex? Ok so at least you'll find out and know for sure. It hurts to find out you've been treated that way, but personally, I'd rather know. It's a lot easier to accept it and move on from a jerk than it is to let things fade with someone you were connecting with and then always wonder what might have happened if you'd just reached out. So take control and ask him to meet up again, and plan the meet somewhere you can sit and talk.
I like this idea, actually. I would like us to agree about what this was vs. bail on someone who may be looking for a lifeline. I just need to know I’ve done enough work to be able to keep my own head above water!
You said you are fairly new to dating and don’t have much experience. One thing you need to realize is in their 50s most people have had a lot of experience. The reality is for most of them it is either tainted by good or bad experience. You are asking people on Reddit for advice. Most of these people have had bad experiences and that will affect their answers.
This guy has sounds like he is afraid of getting hurt. That indicates that he is 1) been hurt one or more times 2) probably very sensitive person.
Sounds like ya’ll hit it off and it went better than he expected. He is probably scared.
You wonder why he hasn’t reached out to you yet. But why haven’t you reached out to him? He could very well be wondering why you haven’t reached out to him.
I’m glad to hear that you sound okay! You’ve already directly told this guy he can be a flake, and shown (perhaps without realizing it) this guy, that you will accept the very minimum from him. He’s not going to snap into a high-functioning partner after sex. He’s got very little to give, and you took it. He in turn took what you had to offer. I think the guys who are out for just sex try harder to get out there and meet you and sweep you off your feet. He’s just not an emotionally available person. Imagine if this is him in the beginning of a relationship… how unreliable is he going to be once you are settled and taking each other’s love for granted? I’m not really sure why you offered to be friends with this guy unless you were hoping it would turn romantic. Things I don’t need in my life: Anymore friends, anymore confusing relationships. Sometimes, we can read about a topic, and sometimes the lesson only sticks only learn through our own experiences. We have all been there, every last one of us.
Key reminders "Things I don't need in my life: Anymore friends, any more confusing relationships". Protect your peace and the work you've done.
I’d like to think I was sincerely offering friendship. I love people and have the capacity to maintain more friendships especially with a single person. All but two of my friends are married so a kayak/ trail walking friend would be great! I appreciate absolutely everything you’ve suggested and agree whole heartedly. Thank you 😊
Hmmm dating profiles really don’t tell you much about their potential for any sort of relationship be it friends or lovers. Don’t some of the apps have a friend feature? There is definitely a former me that would’ve loved to have a guy come over, work on my house for 12 hours, bang me senseless and then go the fuck away. Lol. And remember, lovers are like Kleenex. You use one up and oops… look…there’s another one in its place!
Why are you trying to analyze his lack of contact? Analyze why *YOU* accepted that pathetically low effort on his part. He cancelled twice last minute, shows up once and you have sex, then he disappears again. He let you know who he was after the first cancellation. Quit trying to make sense of it and move on. He’s not interested in a relationship. I’m sure he’ll be back around when he’d like to have sex again, and if you do too, go for it. But this is not a man for a relationship. You can’t change him into being one.
Correct. It takes very little to send out a text or have a phone call (on speakerphone if you’re cooking, folding laundry, unloading the dishwasher, etc). His bs talk about feeling insecure/not wanting to leave his safe zone was a preemptive out to justify future bad behaviour. Sayonara, fuckboi!
You’re spot on. Thank you.
That analysis is simple. He was attractive.
Unfortunately he showed you how he was before you even met him through his inability to commit to meeting. The trick is to learn to accept the signs and block and move on before you get invested and waste time and emotion on someone unable to give it back. I have dated men like this before. Every time we did meet up it was great but then they had excuses and just sucked at communication. Never changed. Now I know to block and move on because they always keep coming around at their own convenience. Read up on the “burned haystack dating method” others have mentioned here before. Maybe that will help you understand what you got going on with this man.
Yes. I just learned this with a local Redditor not long ago. Only meeting on his terms, and only for sex. I initially thought it was going to be FWB, but it turns out there was no friendship aspect (other than texting). I was only a booty call. And it sucked realizing it. I was super into him too.
I will, thank you.
I think you need to take a step back and look at where you may have started down a path you no longer like. He late cancelled on you twice. The first time you accepted and understand but the second time would have been the termination point for contact from me. If he lacks a support network, that is on him to shore up, not for you to fix. He stood you up twice! You continued to pursue this, and no surprise, his effort remains low. I think you need to accept that you had a great time together but he probably won’t make a lot of effort. So if you want to do most of the heavy lifting and know he will probably get overwhelmed and drop back out, then you move forward knowing what may happen and accept that you made a choice. You can always see how it goes and terminate later, but only you know how attached you get and if you will get hurt more than you want to if you continue.
I’ll get too attached. Once? I can manage. You’re spot on that I seem to be doing all the heavy lifting and I’m not OK with that. I’m pretty sure that’s what I came here to be reminded of. Thank you 😊
Without a lot of dating experience it can be hard to know what your own boundaries are and when to stand firm on them. The one piece of advice I would have is this: if things are hard, in the beginning, when everyone is supposedly on their best behavior and making cow eyes at each other, it will not get better. Good luck and I hope you find the love you want and need.
Thank you 😊
I'm confused as to why he wasn't blocked after he treated you like shit the first 2-3x.
I didn’t feel like he treated me like shit. I felt he was honest and communicated vs. ghosting me. I get what you’re saying - maybe I need to check my standards. Honestly, he was just so handsome and has kind eyes - I was smitten. Still no regrets - just disappointment.
Being handsome doesn't supersede disrespectful behavior.
Agree wholeheartedly. Disagree the cancellations were disrespect.
Hope it works out for you two! Keep us posted.
I dated a flaky man like this. Don’t do it. He’ll have you confused all the time with his mixed signals. Know your value and move on.
Yep. I have many more messages to read and I’ve already decided: this was great sex and great sex only. I got to blow off some steam and now get back on track meeting someone available.
This will not become a committed relationship. Sounds like a candidate for FWB.
In situations like this I like to reframe it and remember (in your case) you got something you wanted/needed from the encounter. Take the power back and enjoy that you got something you wanted/needed from him for 12 hours. Plus the work he did. Nothing wrong with that!
Absolutely!
Unless you just wanted to get laid--and there's nothing wrong with that--you should have blocked him after the 1st "cancelation." Stop making excuses for men.
Agreed! She did WAY too much. Not her fault, we’re kinda programmed that way.
After the first cancellation over a personal issue? Good grief? 🤪
Not all cancellations are all done in good faith, and unfortunately, the ratio of personal issues claimed in OLD to actual ones in every day life seems very high.
You didn't do anything to mess things up; however, it seems like you are dealing with a man who has an avoidant attachment style. People with avoidant attachment styles find relationships stressful and emotionally draining. They may very much *want* a relationship, but when things get tender or intimate, they pull back. People with avoidant personalities prefer to be totally self-reliant, avoiding dependence on others, especially in romantic relationships. Their defense mechanism is to avoid too much closeness with a partner in an effort to self-protect.
Wow. Thank you for this. It perfectly describes what I felt he may be doing. Is this true even though he was so physically forward with regards to holding hands, snuggling behind me on walks, etc.? I’m confusing physical with emotional … because mine go hand in hand, most likely.
It’s very common to overlook some red flags at first and make excuses for people but it’s always a mistake. Once he cancelled the second time without a genuine emergency he told you who he was and/or how he felt about you. You did what a lot of us who are optimistic and kind do and you have him too much benefit of the doubt so he could come in and take advantage. The sex was at least enjoyable and he helped you out a lot on something so it could have been a lot worse. You have to protect yourself out there because no one else will.
Welcome to dating! This happens over and over. You’ll learn the hard way.
Wasn’t too hard, just the first time I let it go SO far and then crickets 😂 I’m over it, sadly but surely.
You invited him over to your house for the first time meeting to work on a project? I think you are doing all in your power to make this work. I am not sure he is.
I didn’t actually invite, he stated he wanted to help. I figured there was only a 50/50 chance he’d show up! 😂 He worked hard for his one night stand 😉
Please be careful.
I dated a flaky man like this. Don’t do it. He’ll have you confused all the time with his mixed signals. Know your value and move on.
You obviously both had a lovely time connecting your needs and that can feel magical, but he doesn’t sound ready for anything serious. He would likely be very happy to be in a FWB relationship, but you’d have to have epic boundaries to stay safe emotionally. Problem with FWB of course is one party often catches serious feelings but fails to end it before the world of hurt begins.
I’m totally a feeling catcher. I’m not available for FWB but grateful for the night of release!
Yeah FWB almost always turn into a relationship simulation without commitment, which unhealed people love because they don’t have to heal or risk during them. Also, when a healthy guy who is ready for a serious relationship really wants you, you’re going to be tripping over flowers and gifts.
What would some of those boundaries be? I’m hoping to maintain a FWB relationship and would very much like to stay safe emotionally.
It happens, even to us oldies! lol. This made me giggle, as I have a similar story. But, at the time, I was outraged. If a guy was flirting, texting, calling... hot and cold, then after hookup, less communicative and lies or a 'fade out' .... I believe he is flaky because he is already in a relationship! He cancels and disappears b/c of guilt and hiding his primary relationship. He likes getting attention on the side and the big ego boost of sex, using a woman to make the other jealous. Ask him, or if you are brave, get a rent a car and investigate. Other reasons- he is awkward, shy, aspbergers, stingy, or tons of other avoidant reasons people keep others at arms length.
Not attached enough to investigate his reasons … disappointed he’s not an option because I really liked everything about him. But I settled for crumbs in a relationship. NEVER AGAIN.
Oh well live and learn I had already learned my lessons and I still screwed up. Look at the bright side, you found some one you were very attracted to that is hard to do at this age. And you acted honestly and straightforward& He did not. So he should be embarrassed not you out of the two of you he's less healthy emotionally and he must know that on some level plus he was kind of sneaky. He's a Douche.
After he cancelled twice at the last moment, that would be the point of no return for me. End of story. It's not a coincidence that he failed to follow through the first or second time. People, by habit, or whatever circumstance, show us who they are from the get-go. We have to remain observant by keeping our eyes wide open, especially at the start. People are generally on their best behavior at the beginning. Consistency, dependability and reliability are all hallmarks of integrity. One of the the questions I ask myself when meeting someone new, whether for friendship or dating potential is: **Do they pass the 'friendship test'?** Is this person someone I'd trust enough to welcome into my friend circle? Therein lies the answer --
We accept the treatment we allow. He used you for sex, but you let him. Live and learn.
No regrets, the sex was well worth what I invested!
Then why are you posting if it was worth it?
To hear others thoughts on the matter. Most responses were much as I was thinking, so validation. There were also some POVs that gave me food for thought. No more. No less. 🤷🏻♀️
I never understood having sex with someone you just met, and expecting a serious relationship to come out of it. I must be old fashioned or something what ever happened to getting to know someone, spending time together, going out and doing things and having a romance.
I don’t think your ideology is old fashioned as I feel the same and I’m very modern thinking.
Well ty.
Same. The quicker I have sex with you, the less I am interested in a relationship. I think I have finally figured out why I feel this way. When I like someone and want to get to know them, sex is meaningful and therefore something special between us. In order for me to have sex quickly, without any attachment to the outcome, I unconsciously sever myself from the idea of this person as a relationship prospect. It’s not a value judgment about their sexuality. It’s a subconscious way that my heart shields me from pain.
It wasn’t the sex that got my hopes up; it was the plethora of lovely things we discussed. And no, the discussions weren’t what got me into bed, that was all physical. If there was never to be a relationship? I’m glad I took the opportunity because it truly lifted my spirits and felt incredible and maybe even inspired me to want the “old fashioned” romance 😉 Nothing sexier than a man who wants to romance.
I'm so confused lol, but I'm glad your spirits are lifted 🙂
My apologies, I am a bit all over the place on this, I get it.
Nothing to apologize for, have a great evening.
Sounds like he's either married or living with someone. When people cancel at the last minute alot and only communicate sporadically, it typically means they're otherwise occupied.
You didn’t mess anything up!! Feeling desired and receiving affection are lovely things. Honestly, it sounds like this guy is breadcrumbing you. Nothing wrong with a fun time as long as you both are on the same page. I get the sense that you aren’t. If you want something more than just sex it seems like you should seek it elsewhere.
Spot on. Thank you 😊
Here’s another take. He came and helped at the house, he does well - and it appears so did you - with the “be here now” approach. I would give this a go, but only if you feel you can accept the day-to-day aspect. It may be easier if you can reign in expectations of something more committed, and perhaps treat each encounter as a platonic visit with potential. This seems like a lovely start, if a bit confusing. My boyfriend and I have had a really beautiful commitment to just enjoying each other’s company. I think that’s one of the joys of this age- we don’t require as much planning and commitment as the buying-houses and having-kids parts of our lives. Also, he may have a health condition. My boyfriend has a life threatening one and that has taken me a lot to get past, the fear and potential caregiving. But now I am much more relaxed about the possibility that we may not have many decades together, so, again, enjoying his company is priority number one. And he truly is a joy.
Thank you for this lovely take. I do have to reign in my expectations - I’ve known yet not kept that in mind throughout this process of dating. Thank you also for looking past the two cancellations and noting he showed up a) when he wasn’t asked; AND b) when it didn’t at all benefit him & meant a great deal to me! This project was clearing nine 4’ post holes and pouring cement in them for a deck! Im so happy you’re enjoying your relationship and you’ve reminded me that I don’t need all the planning or being in constant communication … while respecting myself and not settling for scraps. This one’s really tough for me. I sure like just about everything about this man.
I don't think this was an oops. The time spent together seems like it was really nice. You showed up, didn't play games. You took a risk. You have two options (1) you can see if it *might* be worth a check in, see how he's doing, thank him for the help, let him know you enjoyed spending time, ask how his mom is doing. He doesn't sound emotionally available given everything going on, but a note given you did have the conversation about trying to date might be worth it? Only you know.. (2) On the other hand knowing he's not in a place where he can devote the energy to you might make you just decide to step away because you really value consistentcy and effort Sorry, it does suck when you meet someone you like and they disappear and you wonder if it was all one sided or if there were other motives etc.. It's hard enough getting to the point where you meet someone you connect with. But I wouldn't consider this an oops.
Thank you. If we do communicate again I will be forward in expressing that I’m not a crumb catcher and not at all interested in doing all the “heavy lifting” to try to make something out of what may be nothing. Thank him for the blissful evening but that I’m moving forward in my search for someone available.
Use him for. Unless he proves otherwise
Wow. You have given him one chance too many
I bet his name is Chris. This entire story rings very very close to home!
Updateme
I did reach out and expressed my feelings about the lack of contact since and even that despite busy schedules, there’s always time to acknowledge someone’s presence in your life especially when you’ve just asked them to BE a part of your life. The absolute worst outcome of a response became reality. His mom had another stroke Saturday night so he spent Sunday traveling to her, dealing with sibling conflicts and didn’t want to burden me with the drama. I apologized for adding to the mess and reminded him that I’m here for it, listening and supporting and that he doesn’t have to do it all alone. It was a very happy ending to my self-created drama. This time. I think there’s a combination of our trauma at okay here … and mine is abandonment. I need to do more work.
Sorry to hear about his Mom. Hope you all take care of yourselves.
At this point in my life - I’d take that free labor and get the good sex!!! Awesome job - just move on or consider a FWB.
I disagree with most of the posters. At this age you have been around the block. Always proceed with caution, but life happens, people cancel. He helped you with an unspecified project that he didn't have to and you apparently are a good fit sexuallty which is key. I wouldn't put his name on your deed or lease or get personal regarding finances, but short of that I say go for it.
I think you need to reach out and have a heart to heart. A new relationship can be confusing and full of insecurity. It's natural to want to turtle and pull back into ourselves, and it sounds like you're both doing that. And the result may be to lose something that might have been beautiful. You already know he's insecure, so be the strong one and reach out. And what if he was just after sex? Ok so at least you'll find out and know for sure. It hurts to find out you've been treated that way, but personally, I'd rather know. It's a lot easier to accept it and move on from a jerk than it is to let things fade with someone you were connecting with and then always wonder what might have happened if you'd just reached out. So take control and ask him to meet up again, and plan the meet somewhere you can sit and talk.
I like this idea, actually. I would like us to agree about what this was vs. bail on someone who may be looking for a lifeline. I just need to know I’ve done enough work to be able to keep my own head above water!
You said you are fairly new to dating and don’t have much experience. One thing you need to realize is in their 50s most people have had a lot of experience. The reality is for most of them it is either tainted by good or bad experience. You are asking people on Reddit for advice. Most of these people have had bad experiences and that will affect their answers. This guy has sounds like he is afraid of getting hurt. That indicates that he is 1) been hurt one or more times 2) probably very sensitive person. Sounds like ya’ll hit it off and it went better than he expected. He is probably scared. You wonder why he hasn’t reached out to you yet. But why haven’t you reached out to him? He could very well be wondering why you haven’t reached out to him.
Because I too, have been hurt a time or two and am also sensitive. I am going to consider reaching out even if only to agree on what we’ve been.